Chubby Behemoth - True Dat

Episode Date: June 25, 2023

Get 20% off your order & free shipping at https://www.lucy.co & use promo code CHUBBY   Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Tallent Sausages. Royal Spyness. Is This Thing Hard?   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Hey, guess who never crashed like you said I would? I'm still flying high. I've got energy. I've got vim and vigor. Yeah, even though you drank four cups of melted sugar for breakfast? Well, you said if you drink your coffee and mine, you're going to crash and it's going to be ugly. And here I am, shining like a diamond. Well, dude, I just get so nervous that you're going to be cranky and mean to me in the car.

So nervous. I'm a little nervous guy guy i live in fear of your emotional abuse that's what i'm saying to you and you're mocking me on our podcast i am yeah hundreds of thousands of people watch you just called me a little baby and i said you're a baby and you're like no i'm in charge of my emotions i'm cool i am I don't let my emotions run my life. Unlike literally everyone else around me. Nobody runs your life. No. It is just a free fall.

Yeah, the strings have been cut. The sandbags are not tethered. This is you. Plummeting towards Earth. Get out of the way. I'm going to smush you. i don't want to take anybody with me i'm gonna crush you when it actually does come tumbling down i don't want any casualties no what you would want you would want to take out an entire county fair with you i do want to land

on an elephant and just put a hole in it land on that buckies finish the's and finish the job. Jesus. I do feel like I do just kind of exist in an anti-gravity zone. I'm just kind of floating and bumping off of things. If I did have to describe what my physical representation of my life is, it's just like, you know those pretend skydive things where they teach you how to skydive? That's me, and I'm just in a squirrel suit, just kind of flipping and flopping all over. Nice.

Oh, Pat's here. I'm here. If you thought that was just a talking futon, no. If you thought a pillow was holding a microphone, you'd be mistaken. If you thought this was a trick of the light and me and Lund had combined somehow, no. That's just Rat. I'm here.

That's just Rat. It's me, Rat. This is actually how Rat talks when he's in the car. Oh, guys, can I have some of your coffee? I know I'm 32 and I could have got my own water. I could have gotten some five minutes ago, but that was five minutes ago. I wasn't thinking about my mouth. I want coffee now. I forget

that I need liquids. You guys just rush everywhere so I don't have time to think. We rush. We were in that Buc-ee's for like 15 minutes. It was a nightmare. It just seemed like that to you because you were having a panic attack. I was.

It was. You did spaz in the Buc-ee's. There were more than four people in a room. I did spaz in the Buc-ee's. I didn't like it because there were. The mascot scared you. There were 200 people inside of one gas station. It was a real village of the damned.

It was a mess. It was just people with their mouth open, stopping directly in the aisle, and not even buying anything or perusing, just kind of being like, the horror. Just realizing where they were in their lives and what they meant to nobody. Brutal.

Yeah. I didn't get scared of By he surprised me i didn't know he was right behind me and i got nervous because he's a celebrity bucky mascot that was the actual bucky you told him to lick your bako tattoo bucky bako bucky bako bucky that's right he was a celeb man i mean we were the only people who seemed to give a shit about that developmentally disabled adult in that suit in 110 degree weather yeah we look like idiots why because we care because we showed emotion in texas and i was just recording it all yeah well you do look like our special needs son. Yeah.

For sure. You know what we should do from now on is put you on a leash. No. Yes. With a harness. Yes. Or around his neck.

No, a harness would be better. A collar. And then have him fight against it. A shock collar. So you can't get too far away. Yeah, no. Bucky's was an overwhelming experience. And i didn't mean to call you a baby i just had to defend myself i have to set up boundaries you know when my two fat dads fight

the i just zone out and the bad to the bone riff plays in my head that's when you zone out do you think the terminator 2 scene with that song playing or no? What did you just say? Bad to the Bone plays in, I think, the beginning of Terminator 2 when Arnold gets his clothes and sunglasses. No, just the song, but now, yeah. You guys terminated number twos in there as soon as you got in the room. That's thanks to Bucky, too. What sucked for me me my struggle today was we went to bucky's and we all

had to pee so far so good there's a million people in there and i want to kill all of them that's fine i'll be okay and then i don't know you should unpack that we ordered food or got food paid walked out and then i got like a fucking stomach cramp a grumbly in your tumbly as we call it yes that said as we call it to poop now and the thought of going back in to that bucky's was worse you would have rather shitting in the rental car yes i would have paid the 800 cleaning fee i would have lived the rest of my life with you guys having that locked and loaded anytime you needed it toilet ugly bucky fucked me remember when lund ruined that rental car to the point where i lost my insurance and they took away my credit card so i could never do that again if you shat that car after eating what we ate last

night we would have had to have torched eating what we ate last night we would have had to have torched it in mccallan we would have had to bought a gallon of gas and just taken it out into the fucking caliche and said goodbye to it forever we would have to start new lives well and then so it was like you know it you would have been i had that i had that feeling but i was like not that i immediately had to shit but that i I was going to be in for a bumpy ride. And I was like, well, we'll either stop again or I'll make it to the hotel, whatever. And instead, when you pulled off and decided, because you saw a Starbucks sign, my stomach was like, it's now, baby. And I had to go.

And luckily, the bathroom was available, and then immediately like eight people tried to use it, even though it was like 2 p.m., middle of nowhere, Texas, Starbucks. There were still 15 people who wanted fucking afternoon coffee. When I walked to the bathroom, there was like a long hallway to the bathroom, and there was like six guys walking to the bathroom in front of me and six guys walking in the bathroom behind me at bucky's at bucky's yeah not star bucky's oh yeah not to be confused with star bucky's people that happens all the time so many people show up to starbucks here and they're like can i get a pound of brisket i get a pound of wet meat can i get some olive oil coffee hey is that is that meat wet as hell that's the only way i like my brisket if it's soaked if that's not sopping wet meat i can't chew it because my teeth are not real they're corn nuggets i'll just have corn nuggets embedded in my gums so give me that meat extra wet

give me the gray brisket sandwich well like you said between the coffee at the random donut place being the sweetest coffee of possible like it there couldn't have been more sugar in there without it being a solid there probably wasn't any coffee in there and then well yeah but like more sugar than coffee yes right it was a sugar drink with some coffee splashed in they're killing minorities between that and the yeah they're killing minorities. Between that and the... Yeah, they're killing minorities. Between that and the sweetness of the sauce at Bucky's, it's like, yeah, that's why everything's bigger in Texas. Yeah.

I mean, that coffee is the same thing where they put malt liquor and sweet cherry wine into black neighborhoods because they're trying to give them the fucking sugar syndrome. It is a psy-op, and they're winning. And you the fucking sugar syndrome it is a psyop and they're winning and you guys did a psy plop in that toilet when you got here i drank my donut shop coffee and yours yeah and i would have had probably had pats but it was in the car and when we went to get into the car to leave uh youngblood's place uh it was the ice was melted it was warm it was gross so i took one sip and i

dumped it that's good you drank quite a bit of it huh not really yeah you did there wasn't much left that's not even true you loved it there wasn't a lot you drank half of it right you loved it you said yum yum i love Finally. It was gross as fuck. I left it in the car. I hated it. No, you said, thank you for chewing up all this cereal and spitting it in my coffee because I like the sugar content. Shout out to Andrew Youngblood. Well, speaking of black, Andrew Youngblood, when he was born, he was born in an orphanage

and he was just John Doe. But luckily, the doctor was black. So when he came out, the doctor gave him DAP and said, What up, Youngblood? And that name stuck. So now he's... Because he went,

Ah, Andrew Youngblood. Welcome to the world, Youngblood. Welcome to the goddamn world, Youngblood. I never thought about that. His name can't be real. His last name, yeah. No one's named Youngblood unless you're a breakdancer in the the 80s he was conceived on the cardboard didn't he say last year when we

were in houston didn't he say it was native american no indigenous no you just projected that upon him so the world made sense for a minute the last name blood is common in indigenous tribes uh ricky steamboat's name name, I think, is John Blood. Why didn't he go by John Blood? It might be Rick Blood. Why did he go by fucking Ricky Steamboat? I don't know. Steamboat is a funny last name.

Yeah, but Blood is a cool wrestler name. Blood's a heel last name. Steamboat is a baby face last name. My favorite baby face that killed his girlfriend. Hold on, listen to this. No, that's Jimmymy snooker what about benoit that was his wife yeah benoit balls semantics huh yeah well so his name is young blood though what i burped who cares really bad it's not that bad it's bad what because i had turkey and brisket from a gas station the toilet is jealous like give me some of that poop and it's's like, toilet, there's a mistake. It's not poop.

It's a burp. Toilet, I hate to break it to you, but that was my mouth. That wasn't either of their butts. The toilet's in there doing push-ups and putting on makeup. Why don't you love me? Why didn't you give me that gift? I'm not pretty enough to receive that? The hotel TV misspelled your last name.

Come on. It's two L's. What about Talent Sausages? Yeah. You wanted to pull over. We should have filmed Talent Sausages. That would have been good. Because it had two L's.

It did. It was. It's your birthright. I forgot about it. And then your eyes lighting up to remember it for me. It was very cool. What about Talon Saucerman? What about Talon Saucerman? What about him?

You know he got a DUI? When? I don't know, before he wrote his act 12 years ago? Oh, gotcha. Yeah, probably 12 years and one day ago. Gotcha. I didn't understand old new stuff saucerman i thought recently he got a dui you know he has a beer in his back pocket yeah spoiler

alert yeah hey if yeah if you ever go see talon saucerman and you want to impress your date and just say i think he has a i think he has a beer in his back pocket i love this guy. And then when he does, she'll be drenched. She'll be soaked like that meat. Yeah, sweet juice. Can you give me meat as wet as a girl watching Talon Saucerman reveal that he has a beer in his back pocket? No, no. They're not wet because of the reveal. They're wet at the date knowing that there was the beer in his back pocket.

I'm sorry. Come on. Listen, I'm sorry. Jeez, this sucks sucks i'd be so he headlines comedy works no all the time no no no yeah he hosts and goes long yes he does he gets all of his shit in he's like ricky steamboat changing his name um so my name is pud blood um i'd like to change it because i'm a wrestler all right what names did you have i don't know i was thinking like jimmy the tugboat well we're close how about

johnny steam engine yeah how about how about train guy dick train how about boat no no no no let's do a throwback to a simpler time steamboat you got it dammit paddle johnny paddle ship I'm Vince McMahon dammit steamboat get in here

I've been working on an impression of myself and I want to try it out is that bad? That's Vince. I'm Vince. He's like Tony the Tiger. I'm Vince. Oh, that's translating through the video.

What's he up to? Damn it. Vince? He's doing wrestling stuff. Is he he i thought he was deposed for rape he stepped away for like four months to go get some pussy because no it was revealed that he had like given a like a like a traveling secretary or assistant secretary somebody on his staff they had been banging and he had given her like over a million dollars over the course of like eight years or something crazy so he like got the wettest meat pat step two what am i supposed to do sweet meat her meat is wet that was funny earlier when i bit into that kolache or no i bit

into that uh that brisket sandwich remember and it was a hole and you could see all the striations of brisket in there and i I said, it makes me miss my wife. Yeah. Because her pussy. I thought you were saying her face looks like a bunch of meat with some sweet barbecue sauce on it. What's with the fucking sugar content in the liquids down here in Tejas? To sigh up on the minorities. Well, guess what?

Google food deserts, okay? And Andrew Yang. And you said, Sam, how... Strike two for Pat. When you two for pat damn pat getting involved twice and going down swinging you like amy klobuchar we uh who's that that's a funny just another was her last name blood too and she changed it no to be a politician just andrew yang made me think of another person who has like tried to run for president and failed what about mayor ran for new york mayor too what about andrew wang and he has his dick out

and he's like okay every month that is enough for everyone every month everyone gets an inch of my dick i'll go around universal basic dick income i'll pump you once and then you move along and I pump you. No one has to work. I just fuck everybody. 1,000 pumps a month. What was I saying? Something about politics.

No, he did. Oh, yeah. Pat loves politics. I said food deserts. Oh, food desserts are good. You mentioned that when you quit smoking cigarettes. I love when food is a dessert. Yeah, food desserts. That was the point. mentioned that when you quit smoking cigarettes. I love when food's a dessert.

Yeah, food desserts. That was the point. You said when you quit smoking cigarettes, a lot of things just tasted too sweet, too sugary, whatever. And I wonder if down here it's the same thing. Everybody has grown up smoking Winston's since they were nine. And so everything has to be very sugary, very salty. Otherwise, they think it tastes like nothing. It tastes like mush.

This is one of the better hypotheses you've posited to me today. Yeah. Earlier, I remember you said, what if the sun was the dirt? Pants for your feet. Yeah. What if the sky was actually water and we could breathe in it? Little feet pants. Not shoes. I'm not talking about shoes

i'm not insane all right i'm saying two little pairs of pants and then at the end of those pants there are two shoes we have five shoes sticking out of the bottom of the foot pants let's go around the room and say the dumbest thing that we've said. Alright, so I'll do one for Pat. You do one for me. Pat, one does for Lun. For today? No, just in general. Since we've been in Texas, I'll go first. Wait, what are the dumbest things

that the other one said? Yes, so I will go first. Last night we had a black female Uber driver. I've got one for Sam. And Pat was in the back seat with me and the lady said something about how it was rainy and Pat tried

to slip past my acute alert senses. No, no, no. There was the guy that was probably drunk. She said, he's drunk. Hopefully he doesn't have far to go. And Pat said, true dat. And then he looked out the window like this. He went.

And I was sitting next to him. Waiting for him to look at you. Just zeroed in on the back of his head. Well, he didn't look over quick enough, so I had to nudge him in the ribs. No. He went from like. Yeah, you still got it, man. You still got the beat of the street underneath your feet.

I'm the young blood now. And then he looked over and he saw me. I just hit him with a true that. And then he proceeded to giggle for the rest of the ride. I did not say that. You did too. No, he said true that. He did not.

He dadded it. Which might even be worse. True that. I say that a lot. True that. You say that a lot true that you say that she made a good point it was a wise thing dude you code switch to the point of your head going at 360 you and also it was just the victory lap that you took it really pissed me off i didn't look out the window as if no i regretted saying it i was hiding because i knew you were gonna give me shit immediately you looked out the window as if you were like i just fixed it no because i am okay

no i saw you look at me right after i said it and i had to look away or else i would have burst out laughing obama walked so i could run yeah so i could finish the job bringing this country together maybe ma'am would you mind pulling over so we can pose for a meme? So I'll be the white hand, you'll be the black hand. And in the middle, it'll be things being true. I'm Schwarzenegger, you're Carl Weathers. Yeah. I have my dumbest thing for you.

Okay. We were in the green room last night. You were talking to another comic. And you wanted to say that somebody had stones in their pockets or rocks in their pockets but instead you said yeah they probably have rocks in their stones and i said uh excuse me and you said give me a break i've had to do three sets i was like you've only done two so far. He's like, shut up.

You're making me look bad in front of the minorities. What were you trying to say? I have a pocket full of rocks. I can't remember why, though. Because he was Pakistani, and I was making a joke about stoning his girlfriend. Wait, we've got to talk about how. I couldn't remember the setup. Londa is like a big, giant dick in.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. In what language hindi so we've known that for a long time because uh prakash hosali when he was on the scene in denver uh not his real name he his real name is ricky steamboat wait say it again prakash hosali uh god bless you those are classics. Yeah. Classic racism. True that. He comes in there and then Pat wins. Oh, yeah. Lund got my ass in the next Uber. He hung in there, kid, at his best. Yeah, I did the hang in there, kid.

Oh, but yeah. So probably like eight years ago, Prakash laughed and asked if I knew that my last name, Lund, in Hindi means penis. And I was like, no, I didn't know that. That's awesome. And then since then, you know, any comic that's like from almost anywhere in the Middle East seems to know.

But it's not any penis. He said it was a grape. It's a good penis. It's a good one. I didn't know that until last night, that it's a particularly like good swinging dick. It's a good one. I didn't know that until last night, that it's a particularly good swinging dick. It's a solid peen, bro. It is a good unit to have. I like when you have good lund.

Regular penis is like nun or something. Thank you, lundigan. Lund. Lund is like a killer dick, which sucks because mine is not a lond it's not rock hard it's not big it's yours so it is a one it's just kind of down there yours is a bond you got a little bond down there for sure i got i got bonded by god god is hindi and he played a pretty cool joke it's crazy that that eight armed god couldn't give you an inch for every arm.

Is that Vishnu? God bless you. That's the one from Mortal Kombat. Where are you going, Pat? I'm just checking. That's Goro. We're at an hour? It feels like it.

In between you two dickheads. How warm are you right now? I'm good. It's nice and cold. It was freezing in here when we got in here. Did you set that up ahead of time? Mm-hmm. Were you able to? I called ahead. the head i said hey i want that room to be 53 degrees and if my name is spelled correctly i walk no that's just the best part about it here every building that's right

blasting ac right that's right um well how did somebody would throw a fucking futon through the window and jump out it surfs up if it were 79 in here imagine if it was hot and you were between me and pat i'd be furious you would love it you you're also sitting on our pillows with your fucking nasty butt no i'm not there you just did the live voice no no i'm not i'm a good boy i'm good one of these pillows is mine. Dude, listen to this. Last weekend, Chris was sleeping in a bed, and I was sleeping in a bed. Chris Charpentier, friend of Lund's. Friend of God. Chris woke up.

Pat was sleeping on the ground like a fucking dog. And then Chris went to the bathroom when he woke up, and immediately Pat got off the ground and sat directly on his pillow. Just butt on pillow in his undies. Why? I didn't do that. Power move. Yes, you did.

I watched you. You're telling tales out of school. I called you out for it. And you said, I've never done anything wrong. You outed him. I did. I gouted you. Sorry, I wanted to be up off the floor for two minutes.

You love the ground. A little bit of reprieve. You love the ground. You're down there with your friends, the bugs. Hello, buddies. I like some bugs, but not all bugs. It's just bugs. It's just bugs.

How did... So the thing that you said about me being dumb wasn't even the dumbest thing that I've done this weekend. Oh, it was dumb, though. It was funny. Because you didn't catch yourself either. You just like... Powered through. I thought that you said something funny.

I was like, we were laughing because you said rocks and stones yeah while gesturing to your pockets i think the dumbest thing that i've done what did you have well earlier when you asked me if i'd rather cut off my finger or pay for my lover my ex-lover to take a lavish vacation every year and i said i cut off my ring finger oh yes jesus that's right that was dumb you're trying to convince us that it's better than cutting your pinky finger right because you need your pinky and i was like oh yeah like sometimes it'll be underneath a cup or something and you said something about your balance getting thrown off yes i was like if you cut off your pinky you don't have good balance and you fall over all the time that was dumb i figured you were joking no i didn't think

but when i said yeah you're thinking of your big toe i yeah i i understand your retardation yes yes well one's doing it he's saying i was trying to say spinous but your spy status your spinous yeah your royal spinous i was spinous bifidus what if i went all the way good for video for sure what if you made sure to knock the phone and laptop off of the upturn overturned trash can dutch oven yourself hey where did sam go you oven yourself. Hey, where did Sam go? You won't. Hey, where the fuck did Sam go?

That's our listeners. They're all babies. They don't have object permanence. They're all babies falling asleep in their crib as their parents go fuck in the bathroom. Hey, where the fuck's that other guy? Where's the third guy who's just the same as the other two guys? I'm a baby.

What the hell? Why don't I have a fucking tit in my mouth? And where's the other guy? There's babies that get sat down in front of the TV and YouTube is playing, and then after a few Peppa the Pig videos, it's just chubby beaming. Yeah, because their loser dad was listening to it.

Becker's white. What the hell? Their first words are guiguo. Their parents are like, into the special school with you, Conrad. Away with you, little Dakota. Your brain has been rotten by the behemoth. Rotteth. Is it okay to be down here?

No, it's very stupid. Is it okay to be down here? Tell me it's okay. I'm scared. Just sit up like an adult. My torso is freezing. I'm right underneath the AC. Oh, no.

That's the thing that you wanted. Store it up while you can, bro. You want to be cold. We have to walk so far. Oh, crap. Look at this. Oh, no. Bingo.

Hey, baby. Who wants some milk? Bingo. Hey, baby. Who wants some milk? Bingo. Bingo is onomatopoeic for... Is that how you say that? Onomatopoeic. For when you get a boner in your suit of armor. Is that what it is?

Wow. Maybe you're done for the episode. I wasn't trying to do a bit. I was asking. Bingo. I thought you said that. No, dude. But I like that there's lore to it.

What's the dumbest thing that Lun's done this weekend? Hit me. Done? I thought it was said, because I got a whole bunch of stuff he did. Let's do it. Hit him. Hit him, Pat. I'm just kidding.

Show the receipts, Pat. I'm scared now. Him talking about changing that litter box was pretty dumb. Jesus Christ. I'm glad I wasn't privy to that. That's not dumb. It's crazy. They're not mutually exclusive. That's different.

Crazy people are dumb sometimes. Dumb would be if I went into the bathroom and didn't know whether I was supposed to use the toilet or the litter box dumb would be if he ate all the turds if I said I didn't know you had a dog like so this is your little house

is that for your son no there's just something when a cat's litter box is very full, I feel bad for the cat. And on a couple of occasions, I've cleaned a litter box for a cat that I didn't know. You've done that? Yes. Remember when we had those nights where we grilled at Bobby's place,

he lived with a roommate, a young lady who had a cat but was always at her boyfriend's house. Oh, yeah, in that house fucking stone. And Bobby was miserable and so lazy and stupid that he didn't improve his life. He just suffered. It reeks in here. Yeah, it reeked. He's also allergic to cats, so he couldn't improve his life. He just suffered. It reeks in here. Yeah, it reeked.

He's also allergic to cats, so he couldn't pet the cat. He could only smell its shit. And then both of them were helpless. And so I cleaned the litter box. I think we did two nights where we had dinner over there. Both nights, I cleaned the litter box. It was for Bobby and the cat. Okay, so there's a precedence that's been set.

When was the other time that you did it? I think those are the only two times. Oh, my God. Well, today we're at Youngblood's. I'm doing a podcast. You guys are swimming, splashing, bashing and gashing. Patrick filmed it. Oh, yeah.

I forgot. Guess what? The trunks came off. Stay tuned. Hello. What if my dick was a microphone that's cool is this thing hard you don't know if you're hard or not this thing hard you shooting ropes out of your microphone is this thing long dom arera implies the existence of sub-arrera that's a common fucking joke setup that i'm sick of uh what are you guys i'm a dominos are you a subway or a dominos wait why did i just like lose i don't i

didn't get i didn't where did that follow we were having a conversation about you changing litter boxes for strangers and then that just came out of you because the microphone is this thing hard is i was talking about dom herrera because he used to do is this thing on with the microphone is this thing on he that's dom herrera is this thing on maybe not but it was probably like a fucking early cat skills comedian joke and then he wow popularized it beautiful mind you have thank you i love that we're in there i i then you're mad at it you say it and then you're like i'm pissed oh just the whole something implies the existence of something has been done to death oh yeah mostly on twitter yeah i'm not on there yeah it's for the best you're on there getting pissed you said

there's just so many fucking people tweeting, and it's a lot. You don't have to read them, though. I know, but there's some gold in them hills, and so you have to sift through the shit sometimes, and it wears on a man. Yeah, I think that might have been the dumbest thing you said is, I wish less people posted on Twitter. Posted and tweeted? Yeah yeah that was pretty dumb it's

dumb you said you should have to have to take a fucking iq test to be able to post that's ableist i didn't say that but i do wish that uh everybody in buckies would have died so i could have enjoyed it more also uh you just want to be alone in a bucky's and kids and and parents of kids are both like very oblivious and like there's always like you know the family of five that are just in your way it just is annoying and bucky's was just a wad pile wad convention yeah everybody looked at us like we were fucking just fresh from gold's gym you know like yeah and that's a weird thing we're tens in fort worth yeah yeah i mean it was i mean i didn't know that you like had that trauma from that experience until later on trauma well i

mean whatever how you want to describe it but not trauma well like a definitive experience or whatever. Definitive. Yeah. Overwhelmed. Terrified. Kiss him. Rectified. He looks great. Shout out Jay Partyboard.

I'm looking at one Spocko tattoo. Oh, my dick. Same T-Nation. There's nothing over there yet. What should I get over here? This thigh is naked and afraid. because it's by you you're gonna put some barbecue and afraid logo yeah you should get actually that sucks with an arrow you should get uh sub arera the presence of dom arera implies a sub arera

uh shout out to all those guys that died in the sub. Hey, Lond. Do you wish you could get your nicotine fixed without having to step away from the party? Yeah, man. I love being in a party. I love being around people, partying. Jesus Christ. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Sorry. you need to get your nicotine fix without vaping anymore holy shit god we almost killed you jesus christ well how about this i know you hate partying and being around people no when i'm at a party i don't want it to stop i don't want to leave even for a second so tell me more well you are a gum man right i love gum i'm a big gum guy yeah you're always swallow every piece yes you do and it's wadded up in you uh so if you're a gum man or enjoy a badass pouch do you enjoy a badass i'm a kangaroo guy i love a love a pouch well you you're in luck because Lucy has the best nicotine products in the game. And have I known one thing about you? What the fuck are you doing?

He's going to hurt himself. Lucy has the best nicotine products in the game. And you love playing games on your phone and reading off your phone. I played a couple games of Monopoly on my phone on the plane to Houston. I know. You couldn't respond to text messages because you love playing games on your phone and reading off your phone i played a couple games of monopoly on my phone on the plane to houston i know you couldn't respond to text messages because you're playing monopoly there's more than one way to get your fix that's why lucy lets you choose your strength and flavor um do you have a personal endorsement or your favorite flavor uh so i brought three packs of the flavors that were sent to us uh us. Last night I had a piece of the mango, and it tasted great. It tasted like mango.

It was flavorful. I enjoyed it. Got a little bit of a fix, of a buzz, and I was on my way. Have you had the espresso flavor? No. It's good, dude. It tastes like an affogato. It tastes like delicious ice cream, espresso with delicious ice cream in it.

That's cool. Yeah, and also you can do it on the plane. And if the air marshal comes for you, you just go for his gun and you hold it to your head and you say, I'll make you a murderer right now. I want to die. Do you want my blood all over this lady's fucking head? You want me to paint my brains all over the inside of this spirit?

No one on here wants to live. Who wants to go with me? Who wants to go to hell with me? We all do. All right. And then once they all want to do a group suicide, you know how you stop them from doing that? Hand out some Lucy Breakers.

Chill them out. Yeah. Because there's pouches, and these Lucy Breakers, there's like a little flavor orb inside of it. That's right. You pop it, and you put it in your lip. And they contain a liquid capsule to moisten the pouch. It's a flavor explosion.

You get your nicotine fix faster because you've moistened the pouch. That's what's in the brisket at Bucky's. You moistened my pouch last night. If I keep laughing, they start having a shit in this bed. Oh, that'd be awesome. Wait, no. Oh, no. We'd have to get a second hair mattress. if i keep laughing this aren't having a shit in this bed oh that'd be awesome wait no oh no we'd have to get a second hair mattress

i can we have three hair mattresses be right there what's that yeah my buddy shit the bed literally he didn't blow it we have to wait for felix to get back from lunch but yeah he'll be up he's got a big afro he'll stuff all three of those things um so yeah lucy does actually rock and uh it's helping us yeah no i enjoy it check it out uh and also visit lucy.com and use promo code chubby to get 20 off actually actually can we have to retake that is it a co yeah oh it is yeah i thought that was a miss i get it i get that but i didn't see it repeated so yeah let me say it okay you've said the whole thing i want to get in on this so yeah visit stop coughing visit lucy.co and use promo code chubby to get 20 off your first order shipping is always free that's l-u-c-y dot c-o promo code chubby to receive 20 off and always free shipping here's the fine print lucy

products are only for adults of legal age every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. So yeah, go to lucy.co and use promo code chubby to get 20% off your first order. Jesus Christ, stop. Why, because you're close? I have to... I wasn't using this. Because I was rubbing my nublet.

Oh, gotcha. All right. Back to the show. The jokes will last forever. We were talking about something. Dumb things people have, that Lunda said. You guys couldn't think of anything. The cat thing, yeah.

The cat thing is nuts. You were going to change Andrew Youngblood's cat litter box because you were in there for six minutes with it. It's a helpful thing. It's like, hey, I could do this for you real quick. I almost said, it's like doing somebody else's dishes, which is also insane. Yeah, dude, you're fucking

crazy. I know. You know that? I'm crazy. I'm crazy. Why? Why not? There's no rules on YouTube. We're going to get flagged. I'm going to get head. Is this what this is?

This is what it is, right? Look, I'm getting head. I'm getting head. Why'd you suck a dick? I'm getting head. Look, you're so gay, you're giving me head. I got head last night, fellas. Yeah, I got head from like six dudes last night.

It was awesome. Wait, what are you talking about? Yeah, I put their little heads. Yeah, yeah. When they fucking blow a load, you get head. Yes, yes. Do you want some head right now? Hold on.

Let me give you some head. True dat. True dat? Dude, yeah. The true dat. He did say that. true to that dude yeah the true to how much he was he did say that i said that i would never say that you said you said a lot of crazy stuff in the back of that cab you said that's that that ain't no drive you you loved getting to accuse patrick of code switching because i accuse you of it rightfully what's up my slime you accuse me of

code switching yeah when do you never accuse me of code i've told you you code switch no i do not you do what are you talking about when you interact with people that aren't white you mimic them their language like what you did it last night how i'm serious what are you talking about what you don't stop picking that i wasn't picking... Oh, I was picking my... I was flicking my bean. My thumb now. Hey, man.

I'm going to fucking... Sitting up. I do not code switch, though. Yes, you do. I mean, give me one example. Give me one reason I code switch. You like to use different voices and you just become, you're a chameleon. I've said that.

I'm a chameleon, yeah. I listen to people and I mimic, I mirror so they feel included. No, you're just supposed to be yourself all the time. I'm not a self. You don't know who you are. I don't know where I am. You're everything and nothing. This is you.

I'm in the void because I am the void. You know who you are. You're Ditto. Who's that? Pokemon? Yep. Of course. You guys should talk about Pokemon so that I can feel left out like Patrick last night

because people who saw a couple comics, especially AD, saw my Cactus Jack shirt and just went off. And I like talking wrestling with somebody who enjoys it a lot, has watched. It's your favorite thing. And I felt bad because Patrick was just over there, you know, flicking his bean. Patrick was over there getting head. Getting head in the limo. And, yeah, it was a lot.

We definitely geeked out. I shot a lot of it. I just kept going back and forth between shooting you guys and shooting Sam. I think that's going to be the story arc of that video. You stayed busy. His hands are busy all the time. Just like mine are right now. You're rubbing it?

No, so I have a zit on my thigh. And I really want to get to the bottom of it and let you guys whiff it. Oh, it's a big stinky one i don't know if it's stinky yet ingrown hair i think it's an ingrown uh testicle my ball grew into my leg third one um so let's think lund doing dumb stuff he uh he had to have blown it in the airport a lot right no we had fun i mean we didn't have fun because it's the airport but we we were vibing no yeah nothing particularly uh stupid or absent-minded i'm pretty laser focused at the airport to not blow it because

again like in the buckies people just are like looking all over and slowly or somebody stopped like right in front of you yeah that pissed me the fuck not a not a dia in houston yeah yeah just in the middle of a huge like bit room yeah houston uh was the airport was crazy awful so many families with like 12 suitcases on a giant like cart and then the cart is like just just weaving and and just potentially gonna wreck ankles left and right a lot of guys like buying flat screen tvs and flying back to dubai or something yeah there were two giant flat screen tvs on a cart well they probably have a duty-free situation in there. Okay.

Because Houston's a major nub. That's right. Yeah. It's the United nub. Yeah. We figured you'd be in the United club. I was in the United nub. Pumping your nub.

I call my penis the porn nub. That was when I was like, well, when Pat called me, I shared my location with you too i was like i'm right here and then pat called me and he said are you in the united club i said you literally am i is the is the blue dot where you're standing it's a pink dot actually no i'm not in there and he went oh okay well that's when i decided oh good they're gonna piss me off all weekend they've conspired oh yeah no you just wanted to use your dumb little phrase your catch Okay. That's when I decided, oh, good. They're going to piss me off all weekend. They've conspired to be dumb as hell. No, you just wanted to use your dumb little phrase. You came up with your catchphrase.

Okay, let's go over whose catchphrase is better. Well, yeah, start with yours. Okay. We... I didn't know you guys were competing for gold in the Dickhead Olympics. It's pretty good. It's great. Calling something the Dickhead Olympics isics is cool pat would actually have

to be in the special dickhead olympics because he's both an r word and a dickhead i would excel there i would fucking destroy yeah you would be finally competing with your peers it'd be great kobos is pretty much like the podcast special olympics you and him on there yeah we are pretty special don't listen to kobo's patrick experiment or whatever that would be a cool name and then pat said literally three days ago he said i can't wait to tell you my catchphrase three days ago did he put it in the group thread i was like well this would probably be good he decided to tell me and then what was it pat it's fucking good dude say it clean up on aisle splooge and the only laugh it got was when i used it before we went into the starbucks and i took a dump

yeah see it's working it's starting to work. Yeah, when you said it, it was like night and day. It was like I'd never heard music before. And then Beethoven played in my head. Do you remember how huge Porky Pig was, dude? This is the new Porky Pig. No, it's not. You're the new Porky Pig? No, I'm Porky Pig.

Mexican Porky Pig. Let's play all the hits. Porky Puerco. Well, it might be pork and not hits. Porky Puerco. I think Puerco is... Well, it might be pork and not pig. No, Puerco. That's pig and pork. Hey, man.

What's up, mi puerco? Que pasa, puerco? Chupi. Chupa mi puerco. Chupi and my guppy puerco. Clean up on those flutes. See, it rocks. It just needs to be said by Jacob Rupp.

Half of Jacob Rupp. Hey, man. Clean up on Ayo Spruce. Shout out, Jacob Rupp. There was a dude that came into the bar who kind of looked like Rupp and sounded a lot like him. Enough that I asked if he was related to a Jacob Rupp. And he said no. but it was weird.

Yeah, it was just, he was very similar. That's like the ghost of a goat. Similar guy. What if we did, I don't know if you guys were fucking competing for first place in cleaning up Isle Splooge. Yeah, you're actually dumb for thinking that the fucking dropping a pin in a giant airport is not helpful we can't just walk straight to the pin yeah but

you have a fucking north star you have a destination no no no what sucked is i told you that you were right by us because the pin was right by when we were on the airplane, but you were below us, and we couldn't tell. Wait, you thought we were going to be close when you were taxiing on the airplane? No, no, no. When we got to our gate, my blue dot was very near the pin, and I was like, oh, we'll get out.

And when we got out to the left, it just said gates D10 through 18, and to the right was exits and baggage claims. So I was like, oh, he's this way. And you weren't, because the airport's so big. There were a bunch of ways to get downstairs and out. And the signage was fucked, because we kept knowing that we were supposed to go. No, we were trying to go.

I kept walking by every sign and going, Truda? Truda? You were practicing for your big night in the Uber. When she did pull up and her name was Azike or whatever, your eyes did light up. And I saw you go like this. Don't blow it. This is your shot. My first time in a car with a black person.

Yes. And you're like, should I drive drive do you want me to drive we literally have videos of you just code switching in dc for it's going all right now i'm not code switching again i'm trying to use indigenous speech yeah i'm using indigenous speech patterns to the region i'm in all right now all right now that's how you that's how you greet a black guy on the street you know that i proved it to you and if you want to greet a white person you go hey all right or you go hey hey all right now hey hey it's a black guy all right we will rock you hey hey we will rock you well i did piss you guys off when i said i'm by gate d and you said

d what and i said d's not yeah that was not helpful because it was just signs for different numbers of d dude how about that fucking uber line at the airport that was heck jesus well i was just fucking i was demoralized by the the temperature out and the humidity yeah he walked outside and you're in you're underneath your grandma's gown and she went to sizzler that day and she went to spin class too yes reeks then we were at the international uber pickup there's a bunch of people who just got phones handed to them by the mon before they boarded the plane yeah duty-free rokus yeah and they're like no the duty i have a lund my lund is covered in duty because i was kidding ahead god good thing this is a free one so everybody can hear all of your different racist fucking impressions.

And you're jacking it. What happened to imitation is the highest form of flattery. Lund has to let everyone know that he's the good guy and I'm the bad guy. I'm just saying. You literally said, thank you, come again. No, I didn't. You said, thank you, Lund again. All right.

Well, yeah, that makes it cool. That's reinventing the wheel. We're just spinning on it, man. We're just spinning through space, dropping, flapping, swah. Hanging. We're flapping swah? Yeah. You didn't know?

Oh, boy. I told Pat to superimpose the background. That's why we're in front of the screen screen. The screensaver on Pat's laptop is a swah flapping. Don't get lost in there. That i'm lost in it it looks like i'm looking into the camera but i'm watching this fucking wavy screensaver it looks like the double helix of dna so on acid can i ask you this what are you going to come to either Emily's graduation party or my roast? I don't want to talk about either of those things.

Oh, wow. Okay. I'm a maybe. Also, no. You're a they be. You're a baby without a gender. Pat, where are you going? Where are you going?

I'm just being a good producer, bros. We don't know what that's like on this podcast. We have two great, almost great producers, and combined, they do the job of one person. Of one normal person with a brain who's fully formed. I'm chilly. Come on in. Should I turn the AC down? No, never.

That's not the problem. It is like right above us. I'm on the outside. You're jerking me off. We're both jerking me off. It's not the problem. It is like right above us. I'm on the outside. You're jerking me off. It's so big that I need my hand and your hand. Finish me. Clean up on Isle Splooge. Oh shit.

We set you up. God. I like the idea of the three of us sleeping in the bed tonight. I do too. We could make it work. For sure. No, so you guys could whine about how I snore too loud? You don't snore. You scare death away every two seconds.

And you're saying that like it's a bad thing? It's really bad. It's the worst aspect of you besides clean up on Isle Splooge. That's the number one front runner. In fact, that's the dumbest thing you've said this weekend. True dat. True that. No.

Stop trying to control the narrative. The narrative is mine. Remember when we got, we've had so many Uber drivers this weekend, all people who represent the different parts of this big, beautiful globe of ours. All bad drivers. Well, and pat's managed to uh remember when we had that guy from nigeria was he from nigeria yeah i remember pat did no

i didn't do anything i don't remember that guy was cool the guy in the truck gerard what did i do you clicked i was getting peanut butter out of my mouth. He clicked his seatbelt. That guy was like, how much are the noodles in there? We were like, I lied. I was like, there's like 12 bucks. And he was like, 15, 20.

These are expensive. First thing he was like, what's in the big suitcase? Did he? Yeah. I didn't hear that. What is in the big suitcase? Is it a smaller man? Do you have a little man who travels with you?

Does he clean you? Does he have apparatus to clean you? You are big. He pulled up and there was a giant space for him to park at on the curb and instead he just stopped in a traffic lane. At 2.30m on a friday and then

yelled at you yeah and told me not to to be or to be careful getting in because of everybody driving was drunk and i was like well then maybe you should have pulled over so that i could be safe i'm just glad he didn't lock the doors and make us ride in the flatbed if i was him i would have been like oh these guys are fucking covered in soy sauce. They're coming out the Vietnamese. These guys stink. That would have been good footage. Yes, it would have been good.

We had broccoli farts in the Tacoma. I got a fart out of broccoli. I have not used the toilet yet today. I tried earlier today in our hotel room. Swing and a miss. Nothing came out, yes. Much like Patrick on this pod. Swing and a piss.

I did pee, but I'm going to go. You're ready? Oh, yeah. It's locked and about to be unloaded. I just finished my big coffee. I got a bunch of Bucky's lube. I have all that wet meat. It's even wetter now.

It's slippery. Yeah, and it's going to come. I'm going to build you guys a little sandcastle. You're going to paint that toilet. Pat, you can hang out in there while I do it. Pat, this camera is going to be charged by the time we're done here, right? Can we get a fucking minute by minute

of me grunting and slurping? No, I don't want to record you twating. What are you going to be slurping? Toilet paper. Clean up on Isle Splooge. Stop. Stop it. What movie is they when the guy is eating the toilet paper off the roll i think that was not drop dead fred i think that was my comedy special you watched that movie i know but was did he eat up no no no i don't

know fuck is that where i got it from because I watched that movie all the time as a kid. I loved that movie. It's a bad movie. I tried to have a fake. I invented a fake imaginary friend because I thought that's what kids had to do. His name was Crazy Cat. And there was a month where I would pretend to have a conversation with, because I thought that was normal behavior. I remember my cousins being like, what are you doing?

And I was like, oh, I'm just talking to my imaginary friend crazy cat like we all do like us kids and my cousin alita and sarah were like you knock that shit off right now that's not fair because they were older so of course they're gonna act like they're above that but you if you were a little kid i guess the difference is that instead of actually having one, you thought everybody pretended to have one? Yeah, I was pretending to have a pretend friend. You were just doing a bit. I wasn't doing a bit. I was trying to code switch.

I was code switching with other kids. Into the imaginary world. You were code switching with the imagos. One time we watched the movie It, and then they locked me in this camper that they had outside, this RV camper. And then they kept banging on the doors and kept saying, it's out here. It's me. They would say, it's out here. And you're like, what?

Not, it's me, it, or I'm Pennywise. They would say, it's out here. And it's like, oh, well, why are you guys out there? Yeah, we're hanging out with It. And you're not. Because It said that you suck. You know what would be funny in It is if Timothy Curry did the voice from... What's that movie?

Home Alone? Rocky Horror. Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's me, Pennywise. I'm Pennywise the Clown. I'm the sweet transvestite. Come here, Georg come here Georgie Georgie we all float down here

Georgie you're gonna give me head get over here Georgie the balloon is filled with my cum I'm a balloon Pennywise got tricked into thinking giving head this summer Timothy Curry stars in the blockbuster movie, I'm a Balloon.

Hello, I'm a balloon. It's an inflate for me. It will have some fun. Goodbye. He always sounds like he's coughing up an egg, like he's burping. Let's do this for work. We've got to sing it like this. He doesn't use words.

What? It's fun. I like it. It's a hell of a performance. Wait, I think that was Alabaster P. Merkin. Oh, yeah. From a previous episode.

I did that voice for like an entire episode once and it was very divisive. Yeah, weren't we all laying down? You were on that episode? You were dead. I was in that episode. We brought you back. You were sleeping. So, Pat, we all laying down? You were on that episode? You were dead. I was in that episode. We brought you back.

You were sleeping. So, Pat, you're going to be on an air mattress tonight. And guess what? Halfway through the night, I'm going to come jump on it and say, earthquake, earthquake. I'm going to run up onto the bed and sleep in the bed. I'm going to kick your ass.

Bad news. At the front desk, they said, oh, yeah, we have you in a one bed room but we have air mattresses turns out they're out of air mattresses that's a hair mattress so we have to shave you and fill the mattress with your hair that's right it sucks but we have to it can't be our hair it has to be yours yeah if you sleep on it and it's not your hair you have nightmares it's already full of air you have night hairs no it's not it's full night hairs. No, it's not. It's full. I filled it, fellas. No, that's not air.

That's hair. Yeah, so we actually tried to put some of our hair in there while you were punishing the toilet, and the cops came. Yeah. Because we were committing hair fraud. This bit sucks. What are you talking about? This is good.

No, I'm bored. You're bored? Yeah. You know what you're going to be tonight? Hairless and bald. What I should have said is that it's a hair mattress and it's full of hair, not that we needed to fill it with your hair. No, I like this.

And you know what? Fuck. I hate when people fucking step on bits. You could have yes-anded Pat and said, like you usually do, oh, no, that's crazy. What are we going to do? Yeah, why did you have to poke a hole in the tapestry that I co-woved? You know what's beautiful about that hair mattress?

You guys are right, actually. If you poke a hole in the hair mattress, it doesn't deflate. See, no, that's mean. Because then I'd have to sleep on the floor again. You love the floor. When I sleep on the floor, it makes my snoring loud. It pushes the snoring out. Oh, that's what it is?

No, I snore loud, apparently apparently when I'm in a bed too. You know why you snore so loud? Because when you breathe out, your hump has to reinflate. No. It's your hump honking. Not funny. He doesn't have a hump. I don't have a hump. He has a skeletal deformity.

It's not weird. Venmo me money so I can get surgery. De-humped? I'm getting my hump removed You should have another hump installed We can call you Dromedary Pat Is that the right one? Yeah

Nice Who's gay? Come on I'm just kidding Yes You give me some head Ew, are you rubbing my back? Remember that time you touched the back of my head

Oh yeah Oh god Oh that was too far That was gnarly We both hated it Yeah That was at your house? Uh huh

That was in my mom's wake I was trying to lighten the mood Yeah It was funny when you stood By your casket And you said Your mom's sucking me off You took your lund out

And you said Oh Your mom's having One last bite of Indian food. She loves Lundy Marsala. She loved Little India, and she loves my little pud. My little pud tie. Look, I know it's not your mom in there, so it's not bad. It's just her corpse.

So it's not bad. She's not in there. Yeah, it's just her corpse so it's not bad she's not in there yeah it's just her body and look my dicks in her body's mouth it's not even her mouth it's just the hole in her head if her pussy was exposed i'd put it in there that's not even her pussy it's just a hole in her bottom it's just some hole i found it doesn't count oh god yucky and you're soft yeah you're trying you're trying to work it up hold on hold on hold on talk to your uncle for a minute tell your uncle to stop taking phone calls so i can get hard over here people stop crying for a minute

somebody needs a deck right now and you have to take the call what the fuck uncle pat he got up like five times to answer his the ringer was on so everybody knew oh god they're calling again oh boy i'm really busy this week this year're going to have a good Christmas, kids. Fuck, we're mourning. Well, you know what you didn't notice was my cousin, Patricio Jr., in the back of the funeral calling his dad. So everyone was like, wow, Pat's really doing good. Pat's making a lot of money.

Another sigh. He was trying to go public. Yeah, yeah. What? I don't know. Stock? He was trying to make his business seem like it was doing well. Yeah, you got to invest.

That's what you're saying? Yeah. Yes. Get it on the ground floor. I've watched Succession. This thing's blowing up. Betsy's already in the ground. So get on top of her. Yeah, she got in there. Yeah.sy's already in the ground so yeah she got in there

yeah she got in on the ground i need to uh both dump well i'm gonna have to do that before we go to the show that's fine i know um we're at 40 minutes no we're not yeah no we're not yeah we're at 40 minutes no we didn't we started at 7 44 no we're at 40 minutes. No, we didn't. We started at 7.44. No, it's been 40 minutes. No, we need to do three more minutes. What? It was at 57. What? It was at 57 minutes.

Why'd you say 40 minutes? Because I was doing a funny prank. Jesus. Oh, well, you got him. You whiffed for the cycle. You got his ass. Yeah. You whiffed for the cycle.

Jesus Christ. You whiffed in four different ways kept swinging as if you were fighting off ancient ghosts you're laying back down again huh you said you have to dump and what else um i want to jack up really yeah kind of that's what you were gonna say well last night was pretty fucking horny what what was horny oh there were some there were some yeah there were some things and they don't wear clothes down here it's too hot they can't you just want to say the catchphrase yeah that's what i'm gonna do i'm gonna go stand in there in front of this glass door so you guys can see me furiously so you guys can see me furiously pumping my nub into the sink

and then as I come I'm going to yell, clean up and I'll spooge. Yeah, that's the move. That's the smooth move of the week. It would be better if I said, oh, I just got cold.

I just got head. I just got cold in the dickhead Olympics. Gold. I just got head. I just got gold in the dickhead Olympics. I just got splooge in the dickhead Olympics. Clean up on aisle of my face. Clean up on aisle my own butt.

You tub girl it while jacking it and it goes up and then down onto your ass this is horrific how is this the free one what are we because the patreon one i wanted to talk about that jared fogel documentary and we did oh we did we did a deep dive because you saw that and another one yeah you knew what i was talking about and I used to fucking write his tweets for him, too. He worked along the Fog Man for a three-month period. The Fogler. Yeah. He tried to sleep with you. Isn't that why you quit?

He tried to sleep on you because you're shaped like a mattress. He was like, hey, is there enough hair in this thing? No, it's because I'm a cute young boy. That's what people don't know about Jared. He wasn't trying to bang the kids. He was shaving them to fill up his hair mattress. He was like, God, this thing doesn't have enough hair in it. I know what I'll do.

To the t-ball game. You, boy. Come forth. Come. Let me shave you. Because I'm Jared Fogle. I'm Jared Fogle. J.B.O.

Because I'm Jared Fogle. I'm Jared Fogle. He comes out of prison, he talks like that. That would be pretty fucking... Subway's back in a big way. They hire him? Yeah. It's in his contract. When he got sentenced, the Subway CEO was like,

Jared, as soon as you get out, you'll have a job. There's a job waiting for you. Whenever you figure this stuff out. We bought in and we're not selling. Here at Subway, we believe in rehabilitation. We don't turn our back on our friends. We're not going to buy the dip. We are going to hold strong.

Hello, Mr. Subway. It's me, Jared Dogg, the Fog Man. I'm out, and I'm ready to shill. Pennywise turns into Jared. They kind of were the same guy. Oh, yeah. You wanted to talk about the dumbest things people have said this trip. Here we go.

The smartest thing I think I might have said is that i want to go uh antifogel i want to gain 245 pounds by eating carl's jr every day yeah so hit me up we'll go hardy's we'll go carl's jr uh i'll crisscross the country i'll uh die at 46 my dream that's my goal age and i will fucking fucking make bank for Carl's J and for me. Carl's III is going to be sleeping on a gold hair mattress by the time we're done with this ad campaign. Yeah, he's going to be sleeping on a mattress full of celebrity hair. It's going to be Ric Flair's. It's going to be Hulk Hogan.

Flair mattress. Yeah. The things that Jared were not inexcusable but and and it has nothing to do with what i'm about to say but while watching that documentary i imagine his schedule for 15 i think it was at least 15 years that he was doing not just the commercials but appearances talking to kids kids, going on local news. Cornering women. That shit must have been so, like the money, obviously,

would be awesome. But when a musician, when anybody gets very big and gets a team and has management making their schedule, I'm sure that can be exhausting. But you're doing what you love and performing whatever. Jared was just telling kids to not be fat fucks and run around and eat healthy. Have an apple.

That must have been so weird. One of the phone conversations with that woman that was recording him, he said something like, yeah, I got to do all the usual shit. And it made me just think about what a weird position that would be in. Or the woman that was one of the friends of Jared in the commercial with the other people. FOJ. The other people that did the diet and lost weight.

A friend of Jared. She said her life was crazy for one year. His was 10 times as insane as hers. She said that his schedule was nonstop wackadoo. I remember that. She went... This is Jared. So you know what's weird is in the court documents,

Jared kept saying that he was getting head from the kids. But he was confused. And that's why when you get your dick sucked, but you think you're actually getting head, they call it fog hatting. What would you eat at Carl's Jr. every day to get... Subway. He would just eat Subway in a Carl's Jr.

Until they kick me out. This newl's jr sub is crazy my exercise would be fighting the staff and preventing them from kicking me out you said it's unlimited i bought a drink it's not my fault you guys offer free refills you fucks you don't have a time limit on it i can have as much dr pepper as i want i buy it i ask for a water cup and i start drinking soda until they try to kick me out and then i fight them yeah i burn a bunch of calories yes i'm getting some sugar from the dr pepper but i'm burning it off and i'm getting uh instead of doing a turkey sub for lunch and a veggie delight for dinner they're both veggie delights boom dude i forgot about that lady last night yelling slurs oh the fucking one of the

most uh turnt up audience members of all time maybe all time worse she was the dumbest person the loudest the crazy like the way that she interrupted with her loud shriek of delight or whatever it was it was her brain turning back on she kept rebooting yeah that was the reboot she kept being like uh let me check the itinerary that that was you trying to mock me when i asked you what time the show was tonight you acted as if i had asked you to like solve for x and do quantum physics like i was the dumbest person in the world for saying hey friend what time is the show tonight and i said uh let me check the itinerary it was crazy to me why would you why

would you mock that question i don't know because i don't know what time the show is. I know, but I'm saying... And it's in 45 minutes. Does that make you happy? We're good. Oh, shit. You know what's not good? What? Now, you're not used to this on your podcast,

but we have to plug our dates and also get people to join our Patreon. Hey, Australia, I know you're listening. Come see me August 1st through the 21st. I don't know why I was looking at the recorder. You were looking down there. Hey, everybody. Hey, Australia.

Hey, what's up, YouTube? Little baby. Yes. August 1st through the 21st. I'm all over Australia. Buy tickets at samdowland.com. Also, La Brea Improv, July 5th. Just Brea.

Is it? The Brea Improv, July 5th. Just Brea. Is it? The Brea Improv, July 5th. Me, Lun, Sharpie will be there. Also, Mic Drop Comedy Club, the 7th. No, Brea Improv is the 6th. 7th and 8th of July is Mic Drop Comedy Club. Then you can see me at the Humboldt Jungle on the 12th of July in Chicago. Waukesha, Wisconsin, the 13th.

On the 12th of July in Chicago, Waukesha, Wisconsin, the 13th. And the 14th and 15th of July, I'll be in Detroit at Mike, the House of Comedy Detroit. Also, join our Patreon. Yes, please. July 14th and 15th, I'll be at the Savage Henry Comedy Club in Eureka, beautiful Humboldt County, California. It's further north than you think. It's all the way up. Yeah. It's pretty much in Portland. It's California. It's further north than you think. It's all the way up. It's pretty much in Portland.

It's crazy. It's crazy. I'm going to run into that guy on the streets of Eureka several times. I'm crazy. These redwoods aren't as crazy as me. And if you want to hear a deep dive on the Jared Fogle documentary, join our Patreon, guys. We're uploading video content. The Discord is coming. Thanks coming thanks to this patty piss over there's making all types

of sweet videos he's been on the road with me and lun he's been on the road with me so join up with the patreon patreon.com show behemoth five dollars a month and you can see us in japan at the end of july won't that be nice crazy i'll be 41 in Tokyo. Holy shit. 41 in Tokyo. You know what you have to do? You have to eat 41 pieces of fish on your 41st birthday. Do you think I'm scared? We'll probably double that. 81.

82. They're going to shut down the harbor. I was born in 82. Okay. And I'm turning 41. This is your double golden birthday. Whoa. Holy crap. Double gold in the birthday Olympics.

Incense and peppermint It's all adding up Pat, do you have any plugs? No Come to Ratio Beer Works every Wednesday Free comedy every Wednesday In Denver, Colorado You hear that all of our Lithuanian listeners?

Come on out Oh yeah, I'm gonna come over there I'm gonna come to Eastern Europe Yeah, we're going to Slovakia Let's go to Serbia We're big in Slovenia Estonia

So let's do shows over there Can we go to Serbia? Let's check in With our reporter on the scene That's your reporter on the peen