Chubby Behemoth - Unique Mole

Episode Date: November 24, 2021

Bible For Guys Like Me. Absorbed Memory. For Today? William Montgomery   @thewilliammontgomeryshow   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

So, William, you don't have a microphone or even earbuds you can plug into your phone? Is this not – would this work? Yeah, by WS, I see y'all have a little setup. I just have my fucking phone in my hand. Yeah, but do you have Apple earbuds? No, I have some – I do have uh bluetooth ear things i listen to music on that'll probably be right do they try to connect those sure yeah literally try to do anything besides what you're doing okay let me go get them literally do an ounce of work, William. How about that? All right.

He's on a busy street in Austin just watching cars go by. He's like, sorry, there was a big truck. Oh, my God. That dog had a bandana on. I got to go tell Tony Hinchcliffe. Tony, I'm going to wake you up during the daylight hours. I know vampires hate the sun. I only have one minute to talk to you. It's worth it, though.

Yeah, I've gotten really good at one minute worth of comedy, but it's starting to be a handicap for me because it's all I can fucking do anymore. One minute worth of comedy, one minute worth of sex. The William Montgomery story. One minute of sex is being generous. It's probably less than that. I get too excited.

Yeah, but you're being generous with her. You're like, I could give you less than this, bitch. All right? This is all you get. This is all you get out of this red, translucent dick. Here, I just did my headphones. Let me see if... Ooh, I hear y'all in in here do y'all hear me still

yeah yeah you sound better yeah this sounds better why would it make him sound weirder that didn't make any sense did it he's doing he's doing a stage voice now oh sorghum and crows it's me william montgomery i can't wait to get over to west memphis and visit the grave of that child i killed and got away with you still have going to the greyhound dog track in west memphis oh yeah so i love after i love betting on dogs i remember when i was a kid my grandpa took me and it was like the saddest day of my life but i got to eat two funnel cakes so it ruled oh nice yeah i'm gonna get a funnel cake yeah just from my grandpa being really mean to my grandma for the first time ever and him being like

sam why don't you go grab another funnel cake and i was like all right yummy this is i'm gonna call this a net win. Yeah. So William doesn't have a microphone. He doesn't have even earbuds. That's the key to your success. I think. I think it is. He's completely unprepared and winning people over with charm. Shit.

I've been trying. I think it's about to lose its charm here at some point, but I, that's what I've been doing. I recently learned to win. I'm bringing up another comedian to say okay that's my time and then pause a little bit and then say you want to keep this show going and then say the other comedian's day what did you what did you used to do just walk off i used to just yeah just end with a joke and then put the microphone in and leave, which I guess I did that for since 2007.

Yeah. I thought we prepared you for your big move to LA from Denver. I thought we gave you the skills you needed to succeed, but no. That is not true. He puts the mic upside down. He's like, all right a i've been a rascal see y'all later yeah i think there's more show but uh i gotta go i'm yeah i recently learned that i'm currently getting kicked out of this establishment but y'all have a great night i actually got shit once from uh from deacon

when i hosted when he was still alive obviously yeah this wasn't from beyond the grave no this was not this was not via dream yeah you say you got shit from you were just haunted by a specter tell sam to quit wearing my cowboy boots. Tell Sam to put some pants on. No, he told me once at the club at Comedy Works, if you're hosting, don't say, that's it for me, that's my time, because your time is not over. You're still the host. And I was like, all right, Deacon, why don't you fucking get more cancer?

and get more cancer. I wonder how he's doing. Deacon's heckling him. William's using his cricket wireless data plan for this podcast so he actually looks good he looks like the phone must not be a flip phone yeah it's not oh i hear y'all now i'm so sorry yeah where do y'all think he is in heaven or hell i think he's in between i think he's middling for the devil and god he's not quite headlining in, but he doesn't have to host in hell. So he's,

he's, he's, he's the afterlife is much like he lived, which is just, uh, not quite marketable, but good enough not to be in hell. You know what I mean?

Not a headliner. He's critiquing other ghosts on how they haunt houses. Yeah, exactly. Look, look, you either rattle the chains or you say, boo, you don't do both

at the same time. What you doing? Solid deacon. You make him way more southern and effeminate than he was. William, looks like you gotta go in the house. Yeah, William. See if you're allowed back inside. Scratch at the house. Yeah, William. See if you're allowed back inside. Scratch the door.

Eric, I'm coming in. The Wi-Fi isn't working out there. You see her gun go off? She's like, get! Go on, get! What did I tell you? What did I tell you about daylight hours? Go on!

This is my house. Ooh, okay, this is much better. So, William, you're definitely not on the least down there, right? No, I was able to get on it, but my dad had to cosign since I don't have any form of credit or anything at all. So my sweet father cosigned for me. Yeah, you don't even have an ID. You're just like, this mole is pretty unique. This is my identification.

I still have my Colorado ID, actually. Hell yeah, dude. Centennial State, the best ID. Doesn't scan at any gas station. Makes cigarette buying almost impossible. Makes me a Colorado ID. Yeah, I'm going to have to get another one. It's almost expired.

How long have you been in Austin now? It's been since May. I've been here since May. Yeah, and I have seen announcements from so many comics that I don't know, but I'm friends with on Facebook that they also decided to move to Austin since probably April, May, June. Have you noticed that that is an insane new kind of spot for comics to flock to? Hey, William, let me sum up Lon's question.

Are comics moving to Austin? I haven't, I haven't seen any reports on comedians moving down there or anything. Yeah, it seems. What are you doing erica what are you saying no it seems like people are i haven't been hitting up as many open mics i'm doing i do the thing every monday and then i have a show every thursday i do and then i'll do random shows i'm sure if i was hitting up open mics a bunch i would uh i'd probably see a bunch of new faces but in the little kind of circle i'm in i don't know i don't see tons of uh tons of new people now that i'm not

drinking and doing cocaine all the time i'm not as i'm still social but i don't hang out and meet tons of people like i you're really trying to get this whole i'm not as i'm still social but i don't hang out and meet tons of people like i you're you're really trying to get this whole i'm sober thing over aren't you i feel like the lady doth protest too much i feel like you're all you're fucking fucked up on zans and nyquil right now yeah i uh i'm still totally smoking weed it's good it's been good i mean hopefully i can get to a point where i can drink some beer again i was just every time i was drinking i was doing cocaine which turned into a big problem yeah he did he did air quotes when he said problem yeah you know some people say problem i say the best years of my life but either way i'm taking a break yeah i had to

yeah you don't go to mike's because probably people flock to you they say oh my god it's william montgomery jesus christ i can't believe i'm in the same room with him what's it like sign my neck yeah that happens all the time just tons of autographs and no shit i'm kidding no not at all i, uh, well you would sign autographs if you knew how to spell your name, but it's just a big X, right? I would. Yes. You just put on lipstick and kiss the page and you're like, you just got way. That is a good idea. That's a great idea. Oh my God. Yeah, no, but Austin has been good. I mean, I loved it in L.A.

And then the first two years were great. And then the last year when COVID had everything was shut down and I was pretty much just living at my girlfriend's grandparents house in Reseda. And I'd gotten some guy's number that would deliver me cocaine. So I was getting delivered cocaine all the time. deliver me cocaine so i was getting delivered cocaine all the time nana's answering the door hey can you can you tell william that uh bianco is here yeah i'd have to go meet him out in their car but i would get all fucked up in the backyard and sometimes the sweet grandmother would get mad at me saying i was talking too loud the night before and i'd be all hung over just like, God, what have I, what have I done? I mean, it was, yeah, it turned into a lot. It got, I was very, I was, I was very open to moving when the opportunity presented itself. I was,

uh, I was open for another, another chapter kind of cause LA was good. And then it just turned real, real dark, real fast. The last year I was there. Yeah. That sounds terrible.

William just buying bad cocaine and someone's fucking Kia Sedona in front of a elderly couple's house. Yeah. That was happening on a weekly basis. Hourly. I like the idea that also on a weekly basis. Hourly. I like the idea that also on a weekly basis, you either put up or took down all of their Christmas decorations. Was it good, Coke?

Yeah, it seemed pretty good. I mean, now what? There's fentanyl and everything, which is scary. But yeah, it was working i'm glad that you i'm glad you're not doing fentanyl coke but if you did die of fentanyl coke you know no one would be story that would be i know i don't think they would be surprised so that's why i gotta trick i gotta change it up a little bit so that doesn't happen. Yeah. And you said that I was curious. I was curious because the first time I did Coke,

it ruled. And then every time after that, I was like, this is the dumbest, like it was always bad. And that was Denver. So obviously I would imagine in LA, you've got more options, but I only do Coke to prove that I'm not a pussy.

That's typically why. Or do you still do it, Seb? Or when celebrating your mom's death. No. We weren't celebrating. We all mourn differently. Yeah.

I mean, that's alleged, by the way. That's not confirmed. Oh, yeah. God forbid your public image is tarnished by doing some blow once. Yeah, well, I mean, that was my first time. It was at my mom's wake.

Your first time? This is all unsubstantiated rumors. I think the last time I did blow... This is why William left LA, because of the gossip bill. He wanted to escape it. Yeah, exactly. the last time i did blow this is why william left la because of the gossip mill he wanted to escape yeah exactly the last time last time i did in humboldt which is where we last all saw one another and i didn't coke like three weeks ago no no sorry yeah i just realized that's what that sounded like no i didn't do any during the festival but the last time i did it was in humboldt county two and a half years ago yeah last time we were up

there your drug of choice was just turkey slices and pickles you were like that fucking smorgasbord was just sitting there and you just kept being like oh god why do i keep doing this like someone had a gun to your head but they didn't you had free will and you could quit eating sides of smoked salmon but you chose not to oh man you know it was like william with the cocaine i just kept doing it and then knew that this was how i was gonna die if i didn't change yeah yeah that humble place that was fun it seemed like y'all were probably on the better festival the sweet peter guy he got me that was the second year he booked me up there but yeah going to the one y'all were on it seemed uh like uh actual

festival kind of but when i left the first night at peter's thing uh it's very pretty up there but all the fucking restaurants were closed down and i was high as shit and i was starving and i tried to get dominoes and that didn't work it was uh horrible and tried to get 50 worth of wendy's but luckily the door dash guy or whatever, it didn't go through. I was starving. Yeah. And we're in a little place like that. There was nothing to eat. It was awful. Well, I did when I saw you, I was like, God, you're wasting away, William. What happened to you? God, you, yeah.

You're just a memory of your former self. I'm pretty sure that the door dash guy probably picked up your Wendy's and then OD'd on the way from the Wendy's to your apartment up there. Yeah, there's a lot of beauty and then there's a dark underbelly. Oh, yeah. Pale white. It was fun to see you up there, William, because it was fun to bring you on and for the crowd to be like, Oh my god god they flipped out like we just brought on stone cold in 99 yeah good god good god's william bobby and i were sitting in the crowd because we wanted to watch you well we were watching sam too because sam had a great set yeah yeah and then yeah we were sitting there and when when sam said your name, there were like eight, 10 people that were like, holy shit, what? Like, it was so funny.

Instead of just being like, OK, who's this? Another white guy. That was the best night of those men's rights activists lives was when we brought you up. They were there. They told their girlfriends to shut the fuck up so that they could watch their hero. Yeah went to give the fake backhand like you say one more word i swear to god william william big willie time shut up bitch what i tell you go wait in the car with the kids william yeah yeah that was fun you gave the old razzle-dazzle up there. You were great, man.

Wait, now, William, you said that was the second time. I thought that was the first year of this competing festival. Are you talking about second time dude brought you up? Yeah, he did it last year. He also did it when that other festival was going on. Oh, boy. Yeah, so I was up there last year as well for that thing. How was that?

It was fine. I remember I had brought cocaine and I was getting all fucked up. And then some weird guy who does tattoos was wanting us to go hang out in his tattoo

shop and then I wanted to go hang out in his tattoo shop. And then I wanted to, and Erica didn't want to. And then we went back to the hotel, and then that turned into a big deal. I was mad at her ass because I was all fucked up, wanted to get more fucked up. And she wouldn't let me, and that turned into a big ordeal in the hotel room. But it's...

Yeah, that was that show where you shoved her in the crowd, right? And a bunch of comedy fans were like, he is just like us. Yes. Yep, yep, yep. I'm glad that's over, William. Yeah, me too. I'm very happy for you.

I'm not. I'm furious. It doesn't make any sense. Sam's jealous. He hates when other people succeed. But I remember before you left Denver for LA, everybody thought that you were insane because

you'd been doing stand-up for, what, maybe two or three years? Is that right? Yeah. I hit it pretty hard in Denver. I started doing it in 07, but there were total hiatuses since 07. It's not like I was doing it that entire time a bunch. I was not.

Jesus, 07, what the fuck? Yeah, I was a freshman at the University of Tennessee and got real drunk one night and got one of my fraternity brothers to take me up to the open mic off of interstate 40 side splitters comedy club and that was the first time that's where dreams are made okay how long how long were you in denver doing stand-up too long overstayed that welcome yeah it was three years okay it was three years yeah and i ended up getting the dumbass dishwashing gig at the

Metal Art Kitchen. Yeah, you would wash dishes with your backpack on. It's like, what is this guy? You have a neck brace and a backpack on and you're in there. A hairnet on each elbow. Yeah. I always loved you in Denverver william because he'd

show up and i'd be like all right well this will be fun now you know this open mic sucked but at least william's here to uh i can watch him bother a bunch of people just being himself this will be great it was fun i remember the open mic at the squire lounge that was oh yeah great you were a hit there it was fun i remember one night i had my ll bean backpack that i had had since the third grade and a notebook in it it was almost filled up with shit that i will never know what was in it and i was like smoking out on that porch and i put my backpack on the little table behind me and i turn around like a minute later and it was gone some homeless person fucking stole it i still think about that sometimes it's some notebook filled with shit

it's funny to think of like an insane paranoid schizophrenic stealing that backpack because you know they thought it was like their baby they lost in 83 and then they open it up and they read your journal and they're like oh this, this guy's making sense. All right. This guy's my new God now. Yeah, okay. This is all adding up. Cool. Finally. This is my Koran.

Yeah. Finally a Bible for guys like me. Yeah. And also when I think of you in Denver and your backpack, you often had a bunch of different cans of beer so that you could match the beer in the backpack to whatever was sold at the bar. Is that correct? Yes.

Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah. And then I started going to the comedy store some to sign up for the Kill Tony show just to go up there on Mondays. And I had a whole 12 pack of PBR in my backpack one day. And the,

uh, the door guy asked to look in my backpack and I was horrified. And I acted like I got a phone call and then walked out and hit all the beer in a bush and came back. I was like, I'm about to get kicked out of this fucking place right when i'm starting to go up there damn and then it graduated to uh bottles of sprite and uh probably more than halfway filled with vodka yeah that's where i ended up getting to this is a good how-to for

young open micers to figure you know if you want to figure out how to get wasted at a mic for $8, listen to William right now. Oh yeah. I would get, I get totally wasted at those things. And then it was honestly an adjustment when I stopped drinking. It was like, I was doing standup for the first time. It honestly was because your brain worked for the first time. It wasn't drowned in Kentucky deluxe for the first time ever it wasn't drowned in kentucky deluxe for the first time in your adult life yeah you had the kentucky deluxe yeah it was strange though i was real it

was like i was doing it for the first time i just got so used to getting all fucked up which was always so much fun but i just got so used to it brother i relate completely i quit smoking weed before you know because i was flipping out and thinking i was uh gonna die and then also i haven't been drinking before i've been going on and it's like my brain learned how to do this very hard task of stand-up completely smoked out and drenched in liquor and it's it's a strange adjustment i mean i know one's claiming that he quit drinking but he's still getting tanked before sets i I drink a lot of Sprite. I'll tell you that. They're like, why is that Sprite discolored?

And I say, watch your business or else I'll smack your mouth. Yeah, you piece of shit. Yeah, I definitely stopped going to open mics when I quit drinking because it was too much. Performing was fine because I'd been doing it for a long time so i didn't i didn't mind that but hanging out at an open mic having a bunch of new comics just either coming up and like bullshitting or just going on stage and sucking it was a lot sober i was like i gotta i gotta be home instead of doing this for a little bit it was an adjustment yeah i'm not hanging out as much at all.

I'll still hang out and stuff, but I don't feel as social. I think I screwed myself up for all the years of drinking and doing drugs. I think I made myself kind of stupid because now I'm trying to do the sets without the fucking notebook and that. I can get through maybe 10 minutes of, of stuff or a little less. I think I made myself stupid. I just hope my brain cells can regrow or something. It's hard for me to fucking learn stuff now. Well, I don't think your brain keeps, I don't know if your brain keeps growing at the, uh, the, you know, elderly age you're at, you know, 51 year old brain is not

as plastic as, uh, as me. So you as me and Ron. So you think this is permanent? Yeah, I think that the hat you're wearing is the one you're going to die in, brother. Well, we'll see. I'm working. I didn't want to hear that. I thought it would get better. No, you're going to be okay, man.

I mean, look at Lon. He's flourishing. He quit drinking. He's never been. He quit drinking. He's never been better. Why did you stop drinking, Nathan? You know, it was too much to... He was too much fun. People always wanted to be around him. He was the hit of every party. It was a lot of pressure.

No, it started to... So from 29 to 34, I started having bad hangovers pretty much every time and so that was like awful to where i would just like feel like shit all day and then go to a mic or a show and start drinking again and it was uh and so i was tired a lot of the time and then um i don't know more and more uh i would have the random night where I was a douche. Like, I shoved Corey Rhodes into traffic one night, you know, for no reason. He was like...

He was worried that I was gonna... I was leaving El Chorito, and I was gonna walk home, and he was worried that I was gonna, like, get hit by a car, and so he, like, followed me out, and I was like to walk home. And he was worried that I was going to like get hit by a car. And so he like followed me out and I was like, get the fuck away from me.

And I shoved him into traffic instead. I tried to, Oh my gosh. I tried to find out what he doing. Y'all ever talked to him. I talked to him sometimes. He's still the nicest guy alive. He's still the sweetest friend that there is.

He was concerned about him into traffic. He was concerned about me. I tried to curb stomp him. So it was shit like that. Yeah. Where it was just, I don't know. It was just annoying.

And then there was a, there was a day where I went to a bar by my house to watch the Broncos play at 11 a.m. And with Brent Gill and Ruby Nicholasolas and we got wasted you guys had a three-way they had bottomless mimosas they had i was drinking uh coors drafts and i just got fucking i like blacked out before the end of the game stumbled home slept and then like barely woke up in time for sam and i to go to lucha libre and laughs and i had like a uh you know barely hanging on kind of a show where like sam had to sam had to carry me a

little bit and i did not like that i didn't like another day at the office for me shut up uh that was the best show ever i that was the funniest show ever i remember doing y'all let me do it one time and i uh well i don't know if we let you do it you commented somebody yeah something happened stumbled in off of 44th screaming yeah and i had been up all night the night before and then went to that and i remember feeling like shit and i think somebody in the audience yelled something at me and i just but i remember it was such a wonderful show. And it was kind of disappointing when I went up because I'd set myself up for disaster, not having slapped.

It was, I don't know. I set myself up for disaster. I don't remember. I mean, a disaster at that show was a 19-year-old trying to do a moonsault and breaking his neck. You know, like a comic having a bad set is one thing. But, you know, I know a comic having a bad set is one thing but you know i know i know i know when a high schooler luchador jumps off and like literally you know bends in half and me and lun

don't know what to say that's god you remember that one lun where that guy landed on his head and folded forever yeah galaxy he looked like he oh did that really happen oh yeah dude he looked like he definitely was paralyzed or dead and it sucked and then we have to be like whoa well we need to take a break yeah we throw it we throw it to commercial yeah we go well let's talk about our sponsor sexy pizza everyone he might be eating sexy pizza through a straw for the rest of his life but you know what he won't be doing living well but you can live well at live well pharmacies yeah what happened to the guy was he paralyzed or he ended up all right he was a senator he was okay luckily because i think he i think he was 18 or 19 he was young and so he was okay but yeah

for about 30 seconds he didn't move and it was like oh god we just watched a dude fucking there was a guy that just broke his neck at a different show uh in aurora and so that's that sounded awful there's a video but i haven't watched it yeah i don't watch that stuff who do you not i will watch on reddit There was a watch people die subreddit. I was on that all the fucking time. I don't know why. I just enjoyed watching it. Yeah, it was probably the... The cocaine at the grandparents' house,

watching people die online. That's scary. That's a scary situation. That really is. And that's what I was doing. it's weird to think back on it nana nana watch this car accident nana watch this pile up oh cool a roller coaster video grandpa oh he's standing up the boy's standing up on the roller coaster do a fat line off of a photo of them at their 50th wedding anniversary yeah i know how you feel i absorbed your memories

william did you ever write that screenplay about frat hazing set to animal collective songs no it's so great you remember that i think it's a great idea i know i have to i currently have a decent amount of uh a free time kind of just right the second i need no shit i recently downloaded the uh Theft Auto reprise of the first three Grand Theft Auto games. I started playing that a little bit. I play a fucking game on my phone called Balloons Tower Defense 6.

It's a tower defense game, and I play that fucking thing without exaggerating four to six hours a day. I have to stop. Literally, it's taking up all of my time you're just gonna start doing jokes about balloon tower defense because you write what you know don't you hate it when you buy the cannon but then all of a sudden they bring in the elephant it's like what are we doing how did you know the cannon do you play that game i actually designed that game yeah the cannon that's one of that's a pretty

good defensive uh tower on there well yeah if i mean if balloons were attacking me i would probably want a cannon yeah well sometimes they're camouflage balloons so only a cannon doesn't work so you have to get like a radar tower that's where you get the ravens you send the Ravens. You send the Ravens out to... I mean... I was... William, do you remember when you were doing the whole neck brace thing in Denver? Yeah. That was an exciting time.

For you, it was an awful time to be your friend because you couldn't turn it off. I remember... I saw him turn it off once. Oh, what happened? He scared Eddie Pepitone. Eddie Pepitone started,

it's like the only time I saw you break ever in Denver was when Eddie on the corner was like, oh my God, what happened to you? And you were like, I got in a race car accident. And then he got very concerned. And William so quickly was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm just messing around. It's just a gag. And Eddie was like, ah,

very funny. And they crossed the street to high dive. But I remember being blown away of like, oh, he actually like empathized with a human being. There is a ghost in the machine. Just remember, there is a ghost in the machine just remember william would come over to my house after squire or something because you were living in that strange hovel in five points so i'd be like just crash at my house we'll have some beers

we'll smoke some weed and you'd come over and there'd be the moment before you went to bed on the couch right you would take off the neck brace it was like it was like when nikki mouse takes his head off at disneyland you know you just be like i'm so tired sam yeah right i don't know how long i did that fucking neck brace it was towards the end of my time in denver and then in la some i did it then I just stopped because I was like this is too much I have to this is all I'm doing is wearing this neck brace I could do something different now I forgot that uh until you said that Sam that there was uh uh there were times when I would just scream at William hey let's just fucking talk right now stop fucking running shit stop talking about your cousin that doesn't exist yeah let's just yeah i would like well i

want to apologize to y'all for that i literally when i went back to the uh and it's so funny yeah i thought i think i was living in a different reality a little bit in denver on how other how i've perceived how other people perceive me yeah Yeah. I mean, since I've been there, I don't really talk to too many people and I thought, Oh, maybe I can come do shows or something. I could probably reach out to people, but I think I just maybe pissed a lot of people off and scared people, which wasn't my intention. But now that I haven't been, now that I've been regular for a little bit, I look back and I like, like, what did I do when I went to the, uh, when I went to the comedy store, cause I was up at the comedy store every Monday and my sweet girlfriend would come pick me up from Merceda. But when I went back, I randomly went back to California like a month ago

and I apologized to some people there just because I do feel kind of bad looking back on it. I don't know. I totally, I've apologized to some folks. Well, if you weren't so charming and smart and sweet and had moments of sincerity, I wouldn't have given a shit about you. I would have put the fentanyl in your cocaine. But no, I mean, you were

always great. We always had... I was a big fan of yours early on, of course, because I have the best taste in comedy and people. Yeah, you gave me that set at the Squire. I still probably have that little piece of paper somewhere. a big fan of yours early on of course because i have the best taste in comedy and people yeah you gave me that set at the squire i still probably have that little piece of paper somewhere there's no way that you have the squire bar tab you immediately i'm gonna look for it i promise you i think i have it yeah for sure i promise you i think i have it yeah when you were at the height of your boozerism you definitely were like oh i'm gonna'm going to frame this $25 bar tab. No way. You probably traded it for a 40 ounce out front after my backpack was

fucking stolen. I was God. Yeah. But it's just funny looking back. Cause sometimes right afterwards I was like, Oh, I'll be talking to people. And a lot of it's on me.

I could reach out to people and stuff, but yeah, I think I, I viewed myself in a different kind of way i think i was i don't know so it's not as surprising when this when i don't hear from people because it seems like a lot of i'd love to come back to denver hopefully i will i'm sure i know i will at some point now william how hard have you actually worked on getting back to denver though did you like email a lot of that so i mean yeah he's here he lives here now i'm just in austin yeah of course what i'm saying you're emailing people who haven't lived there in three years and you're like hey can i come do your show down at the tavern and they're like william i've been a scientist for six years what are you talking about?

Yeah, no, I totally agree. I'm trying to bring my charm and beard down there and holler at some people. Do you remember, William, when we would get all fucked up and read the end of Blood Meridian to each other? Yes. Oh, my gosh. My favorite William memory. You were effectively just living as Sutri for a while.

You were just Sut. That's who you were. You were in what? Knoxville, where Tennessee was, right? Yeah. Living on charm and whiskey scraps. You were very, very hearty in life.

You were like the main character from Child of God. Yeah, exactly. Just stumbling around, molesting kids. I got some of his books on eBay because I used to have them, but when I've moved, I don't have all the stuff.

I started reading Child of God again. I need to start reading more. I haven't been reading a bunch. Yeah, because you're playing Balloon tower defense eight hours a day yes yeah you wonder if you're good you wonder if your brain's gonna come back and then you play a fucking stupid phone game for 12 hours a day yeah is it sharpening my mind uh yeah i know it's not i know it's not it's like when you play Grand Theft Auto too much and you just like start walking like the character around cars that's you

but with balloon tower defense you're like am I a tower or a balloon I can't tell yeah everything looks like radar to me Jesus Christ I'm seeing the world in greens and yellows yeah are the are the first couple of grand theft autos uh bird's eye view or is it top down is that right starts with three so one and two were top down but it starts with grand theft auto three

which was the first one that looks like the grand theft auto we all know and love yeah that's yeah it's pretty cool. I'm going to get it, dude. I can't wait. People online are talking shit about it, it seems like. I don't know what they're... It seems like they don't like the graphics or something. Well, yeah, and I'm sure you love the graphics because it's not Balloon Tower Defense. You're like, whoa, Jesus.

It's incredible. It's like I'm playing the Dreamcast. Now, William is going back outside where it didn't work 40 minutes ago. Let's see. He's all about testing boundaries on stage

and off. William's whole attack on life is just, well, let's see. Maybe this time will be different. Go ahead william let's test it out here let's uh yeah i don't even know how long i was wearing that dumb ass neck brace but see it's so funny when i did i was signing up for the kill tony thing and then when I finally got on it, I had... It immediately stopped working. The screen door hadn't even closed.

And he froze. No. Go inside. Get in the house. Get in the house. Get back in the house. Blast this thing inside. Be a man. He smokes inside and he's fine. Yeah, look at him.

Yeah, look at this. No, we're not holding on. Okay, I'm sorry. Okay, I'm... William, if you're going to turn this into one of your fucking Nashville shit shows, I swear to God, I'm going to kill you. All right? This isn't the David...

This isn't the William Montgomery hour, which you're launching here on Wednesday. Congratulations. I know. Well, thank you. Yeah. Well,

you did beg to be on the pod to promote. So we're going to let you promote. I thought you said you were going to say that, Sam. I would say, I'm not going to say a lot of stuff, William, you were talking about signing up for kill tony uh and then you went outside because you forgot how wi-fi works in the home you live in so hit us with this amazing anecdote no i was just saying i had done it for so long

probably a year yeah when i put that neck brace on and i heard my name i was like okay i'm fucking ready i've been wearing this goddamn neck brace for a year year and a half now i'm comfortable i know what to say so i'm just advocating if there's any other any young comic or something yeah just do some weird stuff for a while yeah get a walking boot get a cane maybe an eye patch go complete danielle perez get in a wheelchair you know no one has to know she's doing a bit yeah yeah it's just taking an injury or something I think that's kind of funny. It is funny. Because you're not really hurt. She's not really Latina.

No. Remember when Pyscher carried her down the stairs? I remember what else he did. Oh, no. What does that mean? He was the train that night. We can't use any of this. Why? This is for sure a patreon now no no the people we have to promote to our wide audience uh the william montgomery comedy hour coming to you guessed it youtube on wednesday is it just gonna be you know it goes are you gonna have guests there's a guy brett

erickson do y'all know brett erickson oh yeah yeah he's sort of like a sidekick on there then my girlfriend talks but she's not behind the camera but you can hear her voice and then there's like a producer guy we found some studio here uh to do it we'll see the other one ended so horribly that i'm just hoping this one yeah there was like money coming in that i didn't know about so i'm still owed money we're not talking a lot but some money and then i spent 3200 on equipment because i was i was getting uh unemployment money at the time yeah and i didn't have too many expenses so about 3200 worth equipment for the studio we were building in uh my the david guys uh one of his buddies and van eyes and when it all ended they tried to blame

it on my drinking and stuff so there's probably some truth but it's there's other reasons why it ended but there's probably a little truth to that. But, uh, you're drinking your cocaine dependency. You're living in Reseda. The neck. Basically. Yeah. When it ended, I had spent $3,200 on bullshit and I ended up with a microphone and two

mic stands. And where is the microphone now, William? That's what everyone's wondering. Who's listening to this. I think it's in my trunk. Okay. Well, I trunk. Okay, well, I'm glad you went and got it for this podcast you're doing.

For today. Yeah. You piece of literal shit. Yeah, guess what? Your brain isn't working. It's like when you have to plug yeah it's like when you have to plug into a computer so i don't know yeah you mean like the ones we're using

yeah that brain's healing up man it's not getting stronger every day you still got all your problem solving skills every day every morning william wakes up and he's like all right the president is joe biden my home number is 303 you just go through like your birthday and your parents names yeah oh boy i'm getting strong i'm surprised william could be on the potty i thought he was gonna be in dallas waiting for jfk jr to come back dude you potty. I thought he was going to be in Dallas waiting for JFK Jr. to come back. Dude, you're waiting for... I thought it was just JFK Jr.

They're talking about JFK coming back, too. His daddy. Are people serious about that stuff? Yeah. There's like a thousand people following that dude. What's his name? I just read about him. I didn't know about him.

It's something Protsman. And he's talking about being God. And Trump is like the physical embodiment of Jesus. And then, yeah, I thought JFK Jr. was a reach. They're talking about OG JFK as if he's been in hiding for 70 years or 60 years. Well, no, there's a lot of evidence. There is a lot of evidence that he's still alive. So I don't know what you're really talking.

There's also, though, there's some pretty compelling evidence that he's dead. You know, I don't want to. Like the brains all over Jackie's dress. Yeah, his head exploding. That Misfits song is pretty compelling. I don't want to. Like the brains all over Jackie's dress. Yeah, his head exploding. That Misfits song is pretty compelling. Yeah. People are nuts.

People are nuts. How did JFK Jr. die in the airplane, didn't he? Yeah. Allegedly. Sam's on those websites putting the puzzle together. Well, opening for Tim Dillon, people do hand me a lot of compelling pamphlets. Do they really? Every show, I'll be out selling merch,

and someone will come up with a book they wrote or this Bill Cosby lighter that they made themselves. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. They'll be like, hey they'll be like hey will you give this to tim and i have to say of course not and then they're like well uh why don't you have it and i'm like i'd rather not and then security tases them yeah most how has that been how has that been doing this stuff with him i'm sure that's great oh listen to old episodes

if you want to hear about tim and sam hanging out or i can just tell him it's nice i really like it he's generous and i enjoy my time with him i was joking cool no you weren't yeah i'm sure that's great we're teetering on the edge of calamity here, William. We brought you in to try and save our relationship. What's been going on between y'all? A lot of just like, will they, won't they? A lot of like sexual tension whenever we're near each other. It sucks. Have y'all ever talked about that before?

It's a one-on-one game of fuck, marry, kill every time we interact. We let our bodies talk but we haven't really like vocalized it well maybe next time y'all see each other you should vocalize them whenever i see him though i just start pounding off i can't control myself he gets rock hard yeah just pounding off yeah whacking yeah I wish we were filming just for that moment pounding off whacking he's doing a verbal

rolodex of synonyms he hasn't thought about masturbating in two years yeah since he quit doing cocaine he's like oh yeah oh yeah pulling going nuts on your nuts

the ultimate tower defense I remember going to my buddy Dillard Butler uh wedding probably five years ago in rhode island and i i was leaving on a sunday and i got wasted at a bar and then got dropped off at the airport it was such a small airport it closed at night because i was thinking i could just get through security and sleep in there but the whole fucking airport was just closed so i could go in the first part and there was like a candy bar machine i remember eating a bunch of twix and going into the bathroom a couple times to jack off to try to stay awake i was horrified i was wasted and it's like 12 and

i'm supposed to get on the plane at like 7 and just eating candy bars and going to the bathroom and jacking off just trying to stay awake. It was horrible. It was so bad. Jesus. That's the first time I've ever heard of somebody jerking off to stay awake. Yeah, nothing keeps me awake like jerking off in a sink.

Jesus. You had everything working against you, man. All the sugar crash, the liquor, the jack off. You stayed awake somehow. Some say he still is whacking off at that airport to this day. If you listen carefully, you can hear him being like,

mail on Sunday? I got kicked out of the airport in Vegas because they closed for like two hours to clean it. And I didn't know that was the case. I thought that was, you know, I thought they'd clean around me. Yeah, and I was wasted. I was all drunk. you know i thought they'd clean around i thought they'd clean around me yeah and i was wasted i was all drunk so i slept uh you know like on the ground in like you know the passenger drop-off

stretch of the sidewalk and then i got kicked awake by a janitor he was like hey they're open now and i was like okay i had to stumble through security i don't know how i was able to make it to my fucking plane i was fucked up yeah i was in albuquerque one time and i like hid behind some they had like some potted plants and i hid behind there right in front of my gate like right by where the door is and i woke up to the guy shutting the door to the plane and i was so pissed i was like i was right here why didn't you wake me up and they like, we had no idea you were back there. I was like, God damn it. I was too effective in my camouflage.

So then I, you know, couldn't go to fucking Murfreesboro or whatever. William, are you going home for Thanksgiving? No, we're going to Erica's aunt and uncle's place in San Antonio. San Antone. San Antonio. Are grandma and grandpa going to be there? there no they're still in recita uh finding your little fucking dime bags of blow thinking thinking it's stevia putting it in their coffee and having hours but yeah going down there but we've been down there a couple times because we are currently, it's pretty exciting news, Six Flags, Diamond members at the Six Flags. We've been to the Six Flags twice now.

They're down there. That's great. Does that come with free food? Well, I was going to say, yeah. Yeah. There's that guy that eats most of his meals. I saw that. They were talking about Magic Mountain, right? Was that you? It was me. Yes is it was was that they were talking about magic mountain right was that you

it was me yes it actually was uh me all along yeah you get free meals it's great it's pretty good when i was at the magic mountain when i went back uh we went to magic mountain because we're the diamond diamond pass members my fucking cell phone flew out of my pocket it was horrible oh yeah one of the roller coasters you know you know it'd be fun is to bring back the neck brace and then just watch watch uh everybody's face as you insist on riding like the most uh dangerous of the of the coasters you like, I'm fine. That would be funny. It's fine. I'm okay. It's God's will.

He detached my head and he retouched it. Who cares? Before the grace of God go, I, let me in the front. Yeah, dude. You should do more public pranks, I think. That's what's next for William. Do you think so? Bring back in-character William.

If you're not going to drink, you should do something to feel like you're partying. I know. It's almost now. I'm almost thinking about just quitting all this and stuff because I don't feel alive like I used to when I'd be on a bunch of blow and wearing that neck brace. So I'm almost thinking I'm just going to quit comedy because now it's kind of boring. I kind of don't like it anymore. Do you feel like you need to get off of the notebook? Because I felt in Humboldt, I felt like it's just like part of the act to just like have a notebook.

And it's not weird for you know what I mean? Like it's not like you're up there in a suit and then and having these like polished bits and then the notebook doesn't make sense i feel like it's fine for you to have a notebook on stage yeah i generally do i've just been uh at the at the place where they do the kill tony joe rogan does shows there on tuesday wednesdays and i do those every now and again, which has been fun. It's normally a lot of people in there. He sells those things out. But I remember the first time he's like, okay, don't use the notebook. And then I was,

it was before I went on and I smoked a little bit of weed and I was horrified. I was like, oh my God, there's no way I'm going to be able to do 13 minutes without using this. And he's like, oh, you're scaring me right now with how you look. And he's like, just use it. I was like, oh, okay. And I scared him a little bit. He's like, why are you looking like that? Just use it.

I scared his ass because I was immediately horrified. I'm like, I'm not going to be able to, I can't do this. I was horrified. And I think he could do this I was horrified and I think he could tell that I was and he was like okay just use it but now I've done it a handful of times after that normally I can get through like eight minutes of doing it without looking but then I bring out my little note card but yeah I mean I normally do it but I should probably be proficient and not using it I guess and that's what I've been working on yeah it's just like joe rogan just came from like hunting wild boar with a knife only in arkansas and then he sees you like i can't use my notebook and he's like good god what evil what evil lies in

the hearts of men he starts doing push-ups and eating kratom he's like i need help yeah yeah the other day he said you have a funny look. It looks like you're a teacher in the state of Washington or a dad or something. It was funny with what I was wearing. Man, he's so funny. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't tell that story very good. It was really, really funny if you were there.

Do you talk to your parents a lot? It's so funny to think of you being you. And having parents. Yeah, but also thinking that you came from like the streets you know you were raised in the woods by a couple who you know blew up their house and then told you you'll be better off without us yeah but meanwhile shiners not at all yes outlaws but meanwhile yeah died in the mine or whatever but then you'll share you'll share pictures of when you were a kid and you're in a fucking like cotillion dress

you know you went to school you're dressed like daffy duck yeah my sweet parents there was a long there was a long time where i think they were real worried about me it's been a real relief i remember one time when i was back in memphis i had my one-piece ski suit on, and I had rollerblading pads on my knees and my arms and stuff. My mom was like, what are you about to say? I said, oh, I'm going to tell her I was skating, and my skate guy caught in a sewer grate, and I fell down and hurt my arm real bad. My mom literally just started crying like tears i don't even really know what the tears were but she looked like joe rogan she was like yeah she literally started crying and it made me feel weird i was like why is she because it wasn't like a happy cry or

anything it was like a scared or i don't know but now they're they're a little more on board now but uh yeah they're pretty much relieved that i'm not partying a lot because uh they knew i was drinking a lot but i don't think they knew i was doing drugs and stuff when they listen to the podcast so unfortunately yeah your mom and dad love this pod. They are. They're separate patrons. They both pay five dollars a month. Yeah. Oh, nice. We asked our patrons, like, who do you want on the pod?

And your mom was like, William. And your dad asked for a Gabriel Iglesias. So, yeah, he's a big Gabriel Iglesias fan. Get fluffy. Is that the music guy? No, that's Julio. I know, I'm kidding. Well, Julio was the dad, and then Enrique is the hot young son.

Oh, man. He is hot. He is hot. William, tell the people about your new podcast venture. It's a William Montgomery show, so it'll'll be fun it's just like a little like sort of morning talk show almost and are you gonna have microphones for this or are you gonna do it this way where uh it barely works and everyone's curious it's gonna sound like shit it's on youtube yeah it's not produced in a very good way it's probably gonna be

i don't know. Todd, your girlfriend being like, William, look at the camera. Smile. Yeah. Yeah, it'll be fun. I'm excited. I need to just have something going. The Kill Tony thing's been so great, and it's been like three years I've been doing it.

I plan on continuing to do it, but I just need to try to figure, have something else going for whenever that stops and it's whenever so whenever tony decides to kill tony yeah when he decides to see he was a really good sport i was getting all fucked up at those things and he stuck along with me which is real sweet of him uh but yeah it's it's more of a relief that i'm not acting acting out like that right now but again i gotta find another neck brace i have to figure that one out yeah because it's boring not having one what if you just knocked all your teeth out what about an eye patch You could have a different thing that happened to your eye every time you went on stage.

That's what the French accent guy does. Ah, fuck. I forgot which hole a lollipop went in. God damn it, my eye. Yeah, French accent's out there. No, I think he's down in Dallas right now, setting up shop.

Yeah, because he was in L.A. some. I never really knew that guy too much, but I yeah he's in la some i never really knew that guy too much but i remember he was in colorado some or something he always used to tell me that you were his greatest inspiration no oh yeah huge fan he was plato and you were socrates yeah william no one's more proud of you and happy for you uh in your success uh we love you thanks for coming on the pod yeah well thank you all for having me it's been a great pleasure and I really do need to we need to figure out when to come back to Colorado okay well yeah one's pretty much booking most of Colorado so come down to Trinidad yeah come to trinidad man i'd love to with jay gillespie i miss his ass he's fucking he's crazy yeah he is yeah he's just watching his podcast um

yeah he uh attacked his wife with a corkscrew so yeah william we can figure it out you should do the comedy for it too we'll talk about this off the air watch the will William Gummery experience. Lon, anything you want to plug? Yeah, I want to go plug up my toilet with my poo. So let's get the fuck out of here. All right. Disgusting as always.

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