Chubby Behemoth - Unleash The Mutts

Episode Date: July 22, 2021

Booger Orders Here. Bonzo's Hungry. Live, Laugh, Ling.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Hey, Pantload, what's up? Hello. How's keto? Good. Feeling strong. Never had more energy. Down about 75 pounds. What, did you cut a leg off? Yeah, well, it's been a really good three days, you know, man. Lots of big old stretch there. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. What were we talking about? My brain doesn't work. I'm sorry. Yeah, because your brain is dying. You're starving it. My brain's eating itself. That's where all the carbohydrates are, are in my brain.

Because I used to huff pixie sticks. I used to just right up into my hole. Becker's nodding. He gets it. Yep. You ever do a line of that pixie dust, Lund? No, I never did. What about fun dip powder?

You ever take that funky ride? No, I just ate it. That's how you tasted the sugar and the flavor. Yeah, pack it at all here's the thing man crazy stance i'm about to take right now tell me if i'm nuts tell me if i belong in a cage being poked by sticks uh but hey that fun dip stick the best part of the whole package yeah that's that's the most insane thing i've ever heard what are you talking about dude that vanilla white stick if

they just sold those brother i would not be on keto let me tell you right now i'd be 800 pounds uh wearing suspenders driving a forklift back and forth from the fun dip factory i like i like the idea that the only reason you don't pound them all day is that you don't want to waste money on the dip. Well, yeah, I have no interest in the powder. I just want that white stick, that funky good time that is that white stick. Holy shit, man. And there's no other flavors like that in nature. It's not replicated anywhere else.

That's dumb as hell. Just eat a bunch of white chalk, you psycho. Dude, you need to check yourself before I wreck your hole, okay? There's no way. I'm not hot yet. Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I didn't assume you got hot in 72 hours.

As soon as I'm hot, you can do whatever you want with any of my holes. Oh, that would rule, man. If you got all hot and I fucking tattooed a pair of tits on your back. They'd be all hairy. i'd shave you i'd burn the hair off like you're a big carcass uh becker you weigh in you're the one with the mouth what do you think fun dipstick yay or nay i do like the stick it's like a it's like a big ass sweet tart well let's let's not say things we can't take back it's not at all like a sweet tart it's like a big-ass sweet tart. Well, let's not say things we can't take back. It's not at all like a sweet tart. It's like a vanilla flavor. It's like vanilla, yeah.

The consistency is like a sweet tart. It's delicious. When's the last time you guys had some Dairy Queen soft-serve dip cones come your way? It's been too long. Well, you need to rectify that situation because that fun that dip cone you ever done this last time i had a report card was the last time i had dairy clean okay so when was that during the korean war i'm red foreman isn't it your birthday? Tomorrow. Oh, thank God. Okay.

That would have been brutal. Who cares? It's funny. I'm older than you. No, I know. I'm not worried about calling you an old bitch. I didn't send flowers. As long as it's not my birthday, you can call me an old bitch all day.

Guilt free. It'd be even better, better man if it was your birthday that's what i'm yeah for sure no no i just want i would have like wanted to be like hey happy birthday sincerely i love you i care about you instead of like oh is it your birthday is it your last birthday yeah before you have to go in a home you know i saw a blimp in the sky and i thought of you uh is it your birthday dude let's put go in a home. You know, I saw a blimp in the sky and I thought of you. Is it your birthday? Dude, let's put you in a home.

I'll get a report card. I'll get an A for every day I don't shit the bed. You'll never get an A. Who's the president? Uh-oh. Somebody's not getting an A today. Not my president. All right.

It's not my vice president. That's what you would it's not my vice president that's what you would say whoa oh yeah i would say oh okay yeah not me put it on me yeah you're bad but anyway back to pressing issues and uh swollen tissues the fucking dip cone situation i used to know a girl who worked with the one in Parker, had a little bit of a hookup. She had them for sure. Yes. In that uniform, dude, we would spend some time at that Dairy Queen in Parker. Free refills.

Yeah, of my pants. Just filling up my cutoffs. Run off out of the cutoffs. yeah poison the water table gird the dam i got a rash flood over here um all the cum on my thighs but oh god she used to do this thing where she would she would give you the uh the cherry dip, and then she would let it dry, and then re-dip it in chocolate, dude. So you had a two-shell situation going on, and I can't get anyone to sign off on it anywhere else. Nobody has ever done it for you. I've requested it countless times everywhere we go.

Me and Emily like to go out, have a little sweet treat. Typically, it's a Dairy Queen dipper. And every time I go to the one over here on College Avenue, they look at me like I just said that Kamala Harris was not my vice president. I get laughed out of there. And Emily's like, I'm sorry. He hasn't had his pill today. Come on. Let's get you back to the fair.

She's apologizing because I want this delicious sweet treat. It sucks. You got to go. She needs to be the one asking because if it's a guy working, then maybe he's into her, you know, maybe he thinks, Hey, if I hook her up, you know, this guy's going to die soon. And then I'll be in there. And then if it's a lady, maybe, you know, if she's in college, maybe she's experimenting, maybe, you know, either way. I mean, Emily's got them and she knows how to use them.

So she could get you what you need. Yeah, no, I know. I should put her tits to work for me more. Instead of just squeezing them every now and then at the grocery store. Hey, check this out. Look, you made milk too. Yeah, just honking your wife at the grocery store hey check this out look you made milk too uh yeah just honking your wife at the grocery store is one of the greatest sexual assaults in the history of girlfamilies because she's like stop it and you're like shut up you're like knock it off you know what i want just holding up holding up what a mozzarella in your left hand and

the other one being like i don't know this one's straight from the farm i like the packaging on this one more does she ever just grab your dick and twist no of course not It's not fun. Well, I think she needs to take the power back. She needs to just smack your balls now and then. No. Show you who's boss.

She one time went for the fake ball slap and I was like, we don't play that fucking game in this house. We are married. Yeah, you're not really causing pain so no it wouldn't be well sometimes you gotta you gotta hit back harder you know what i mean you can't just go tit for tat well yeah you grab her tit she should smack your freshest tattoo that's how it should be tit for tat or tit for tap where she ball taps when I honk tit. Right.

That's right. Yeah, I guess, yeah. That would have made a lot more sense. Shut up. Well, I get it, man. You're sundowning. You punched it up, and then you could have just done a little dance in your head and been like, another one for Sam T. But you have to announce.

Well, Becker has the chalkboard. I want him to put a mark on it. You have to wait. He's eating the chalk. I mentioned it earlier. He's following my lead. He's impressionable. Yeah, sweet Becker.

We're recording this today on Thursday, everybody. Oh, yeah, this is a free one. Yeah, so we can go crazy, man. Well, I was going to say, let's dial it back. Let's not give him the full brain load. No, man, let's dial it up. I already said that Kamala Harris is a CIA plant or whatever. Ashton Kutcher is.

Ashton Kutcher. Now, tell the folks at home who Ashton Kutcher is. Speaking of Red Foreman, Ashton Kutcher co-starred with, can't think of his name but the character was red foreman on that 70s show ashton kutcher played of course michael kelso yeah and wasn't danny math masterson on that show oh yeah let's not talk about him no come on i'm a big fan of his work off the screen you motherfucker you like no he sounds like he's pure evil no you don't know becker? No, I know.

Legendary rapist. Yes, and Scientology tried to protect him and then abandoned him after they realized it was an unwinnable job. I'm talking more bodies than Lund. Save it for the page. She's psycho. What?

We're building a family. Oh, like our fan base doesn't like me accusing you of sex crimes I don't think they do Becker I feel like the fan base probably enjoys Nathan being accused of sex crimes loving every minute of it

because he's obviously innocent well it's not Lund you were talking about red form. I was talking about Kelso. I didn't read the article, but there was a headline that said that Ashton Kutcher may be a CIA plant or mole or whatever. Asset.

So that's funny. He's punking villagers in Nicaragua. Yeah. He's taking punked on the road. On behalf of Pepsi Corp. Hey, I'm here with some humanitarian aid. You just got punked. It's guns for the rebels.

Or destabilize. Wilmer Valderrama shows up too. And it's like, hey, we're having fun. But then he's like taking out targets. Instead of helping, he does your mama jokes, everybody. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit shit remember his spinoff yeah that was a thing what the hell was that well it was a show on mtv where he would get uh it was invariably the finals were a dorky white guy and then a hood black guy and then he would make them go back and forth in front of a bunch of like, you know, 98 degrees backup dancers.

I just remember the crowd in that show were always like moving like it was a beatbox situation. They were rocking back and forth and doing that thing where they hold each other back like a cool basketball shot just happened. Vibing. Yeah, a lot of vibing on that show. Feeling the flow. Yeah. And then Wilder Valderrama was like okay this is your one chance to blow brother why don't you give his mommy the business now. oh are you going to take

that when he says about your mommy? uh oh now is your time for vengeance and rebuttal. yeah I must have watched it at least a a little oh yeah right on after next you would jerk to next and then have your little wind down to uh your mama your post-coital yo mama session was a legendary part of growing up in america was it called yo mama i think so be, fact check it. Okay. Becker, get on it. I used to, man, thinking about that, Sam, I would imagine you might have been the same way, but when the comeback, when the insult in school was something about my mom, I turned red. I was full Chevelle.

I was seeing red again. Really? Yeah, I hated hated it it was like instinctual primal and i always hated that it was this weird go-to huh for so many you know like oh yeah your mom said that when i was banging her it would make me furious really yeah i hated it i mean that's my mom bitch i would not assume that you would be upset by that uh at all based on what i know about your current relationship with your mother. Oh, boy, here we go.

Well, no, no, I'm not trying to be a dick. I'm just saying I would not assume that you would actually be rocked by your mama joke because I never was. When I was younger, I loved my mom. Now I like her. You know what I mean? I know too much about her. I know, but also you're like smart.

So it's like, look, I know that you and tippy and little jeff didn't three-way my mom behind the sonic like i know that it's not logic i'm saying it's not even logic it's not that it's not true it's obvious that it's not true it's just it was just mean i just thought it was very mean to bring in my little innocent mom call me fat call me a put a putt. But my mom, like, come on. She's trying to raise me right. What did she do to you besides bring me into the world? Well, yeah, ruin your day by creating me. Give you the gift of me.

How dare you? Total mongus. I'm the best. Yeah, no, it was just, I don't know. And it was also very annoying because it was always the dumbest you know it was usually a a dumbass that would try to say that shit it was just such a it's such a lazy easy route to take yeah it was real richie side bottom move who's that that was a kid that i grew up with who no one ever believes it but if there's any

elizabeth listeners out there remember remember Richie Sidebottom? Yeah, I swear to God. There's no way. I think he was a CIA asset now that I think about it. He was a spy. Total spy, man. Had red hair, had freckles, flat top, JNCO jeans. One of those kids who's just perpetually in a flannel hoodie.

You know those kids? They're dressed pretty much like they're a steel worker but they're 11 years old yeah working man yeah so old side bottom pulled a swing shift in between classes and uh he got in trouble because right after columbine he called in a fake uh bomb threat to the school and then we never saw him again oh shit yeah so i think he might have been a kutcher you know it's funny is thinking that mother jones with that headline was calling ashton kutcher a spy they they know our lingo and they're just dunking on him yeah ashton kutcher possible spy if you know what i mean he's deep undercover and he can't get the covers off

and he thinks it's nighttime yeah he thinks he's camping he's just in bed he's a spy spy alert kutcher well becker did you find the show it is called yo mama they taped 64 episodes from april 2006 to december 2007 oh shit so like every other week they recorded oh they're doing marathons they're doing yeah i'm amazed yeah a lot of people's hips went out because they were rocking back and forth for 12 hours at a time a lot of people had to be put down yeah crowd folk the best part is it happened mtv launched a website for it where they had a let's bully feature which users could send insults over email using avatar and it's like been featured in uh magazines about maybe influencing us and suicides and whatnot oh boy oh so it's not Oh. So it's not all

bad news. It's not all bad news. They got some shit done. It looks like there's a third season that didn't air. Yeah, because... Too many shootings. Because Lund was on it. I beat the shit out of Wilmer.

I was like, how dare you propagate this culture? You give... give mothers give life you bastard i'm just thinking about you giving him the outsider's edge i totally could he was tiny i know but like doing it the whole way that razor ramon would do it where you're like the issue with the edge was or no what was the name of uh uh scott hall's finish it was the outsider's edge right razor's edge when he was okay ramon and then outsider's edge

when he was uh in wcw well it's just funny how long people had to sell. He took their head, put it between his legs, stood there with his arms crossed style, looking around, nodding, and they're just standing there. They're just waiting to receive the outside edge. Here we go. Yeah, it's like, okay, my head's been between his legs for 15 seconds. Oh, wow, how many toothpicks is he going to flip before he fucking... He's gotten his ass kicked for five minutes.

Not always. I feel like he squashed when he first came into WCW. Well, yeah, probably. But also, you take a boot to the gut, you're out of it for a few seconds, and Scott can have his way with you. Yeah, we all know that if you're booted in the gut the only way to get out of it is to be bent over at 90 degrees for 20 seconds my tongue

but you just like some guy being like oh Lon your mom's so stupid she thinks that fun dip powder is better than the stick and you're like what what the fuck did you just say and then you like turn to like and then we have a builder of all drama being like uh oh no he didn't and you're like, what? What the fuck did you just say? And then you like turned to like, and then we have a builder of all drama being like,

oh no, he didn't. And you're like, shut up. Shut the fuck up. You Guatemalan pig. And then you go over there and you boot him. It's the edge. And then you put Wilder Valderrama's head between your legs and you look around and hit all the cameras with your arms out.

Someone bring me a toothpick. Did your mama ever go on this ride? And then you put him up, spread him angel style, and then go to your knees and drop him. And that's why they couldn't put out that season. The Goutsider Edge. I do it on one foot. Just 15-year-old

Lund giving a builder. What was his name on that show? It was like Morp? Fez. Fez for Foreign Exchange Students. Yes, I knew it was some acronym. Yeah. Oh man, that gets me fired up just thinking about you hitting fez with the edge also i was not 15 in 2006 i'm sure

you have a guess oh yeah you were what start you were 31 you bought your first home yeah right right before the collapse i paid i paid top dollar uh and then the the ass dropped out of uh the entire market and then out of your pants everyone could see your bare bottom as you were almost for a while they should make prank pants for the bottom just falls off the two big the two big buttons on the back, but instead of the red underoos, it's just jeans. Yeah.

You want to hear something funny? Sure. Okay, so our friend Andrew Polk texted me this at 7.30 a.m. Don't say it. I'm not going to. Clean it up. He said, dude, I don't know who to tell, but I have a new girlfriend.

And the ultimate test of the new relationship was last night when she literally said, quote, my friend Ling likes to prank people. End quote. Quote, your Chinese friend? Yeah. She likes to play jokes. Did he pluralize it? I grinded my teeth to dust. It was insane.

I want to know about these pranks. I want to know what Ling's up to. That sounds fun. She's probably working in a sweatshop making those pants we just talked about. Yep. What? Not all Chinese people work in sweatshops.

No, I know. Some of them have air conditioning. Some of them are really nice. You can be a nice person and work in a sweatshop. No, I mean the sweatshops. No, I know. Some of them have air conditioning. Some of them are really nice. You can be a nice person and work in a sweatshop. No, I mean the sweatshops. I was being bad. Being bad to be good. Chinese people rule. Yeah, the economy.

They own us. Yeah, that's fun for Polk it is fun he's a fun guy everyone check out Polk you can't find him on Twitter because he threatened Draymond Green that was years ago right did he get permanently banned

I don't think Twitter cottons to his brand of mischief you know what I mean did he tell Draymond Green to kill himself or something or he said he was going to murder him I can't remember usually for a guy who's so funny it really wasn't that much nuanced it was straight up just like I hope someone kills Draymond Green or I'm going to kill I'm gonna commit murder against Draymond Green it was

sports well yeah sports uh it's like me with my mom a lot of people you know uh get emotional with sports yeah it's uh a big deal i keep watching all these baseball fans swinging on each other at games there's like there's a new fight every other day well yeah i mean baseball dude it gives people fucking stoked or so yeah they want to liven it up they're like you know baseball's cool but what if we incorporated a little boxing a little dirty boxing yeah they should just have the seventh inning eye gouge hey everyone it's time for the seventh inning fish hook yeah well yeah when you stretch you accidentally smack the guy next to you in the mouth yeah and then he punches you in the stomach and makes a yo mama joke and the next thing you know wilder vomerama is going off the cage uh uh nice

do you freeze no but i was pranking you call me ling you got my ass. What about, hey, call me Hugh. Mr. Mungus was my father's name. When'd you come up with that? Your last time in the lab? You said Hugh Mungus. With a pen and a pad?

Oh, okay. I've just been sitting on that. I gotcha. Yeah. Mr. Mungus. I inspire, do you? Mr. Mungus. I inspire, do you? Mr. Mungus lives down the block and offers kids Twinkies to come and let him take some photos of them.

It's me, Mr. Mungus. Who wants to sit on my lap? So, Becker, how about this one for you, Hey, your mom is so little, it's a miracle she was able to give birth to you. Well, you know, since you like to combat your mama jokes with logic, I would say, well, of course, when I was born, I was much smaller. I was a little baby-sized infant, kind of a child.

So it's fine. Someone just bounces a dipped cone off your head and pantses you. That'd be funny if you pantsed someone and pushed them in a bunch of ice cream. There were

some mean... And then a bunch of dogs come and lick their butt clean. We had some mean pranks in elementary school. You just reminded me there was a time when there was this girl that we would make fun of a lot, and it wasn't fair. She was just, like, unique, like, did her own thing and had her own style, and we just, like, went after her for it.

It wasn't fair, and I hate that we did. But there was a time where she got up at lunch. She got up to go do something. And we put some open ketchup packets on the seat. And then she came back and sat down. And we were like, whoa, look who's got her period. Somebody's maturing early or whatever. God, just awful.

It was in second grade. Right, yeah. or whatever god just awful you know it was in second grade right yeah it's like make it seem like she's older than she is and then mock her for it you know yeah well look who's actually 15 and is undercover we also got well look who got held back eight times yeah look who's actually supposed to be in seventh grade but couldn't smell good now she doesn't smell good she smells like blood and then he let a bunch of dogs loose and they lick her butt we also got sometimes we we team up on our own friends like we my my closest friend we ended up making fun of him for some random reason like just said that he wore i think we said that he wore ninja turtle underwear and it wasn't based in fact we just went with it and like

once you have four people saying it's true it's over oh yeah it's it's a nightmare that's my closest friend what was i doing yeah you gas lit him that's uh what's that thing called were you like uh people think they're being followed by groups of people it's called something stalking i don't know gang stalking that's it you pretty much just gang stalked your friend that was the worst you were a sleepover and everyone's like oh i saw sammy eat a booger and then you're like no no it didn't happen i was never smelling my finger that's impossible i uh i thought my finger was the fun dipstick and i got excited but happen i was never smelling my finger that's impossible i uh i thought my finger was the fun dipstick and i got excited but no i was checking the oil yeah everyone's like oh

yeah i saw it too and then like some guy's dad comes in he's like you're talking about sam eating boogers and then just some guy's dad yeah not a kid's father at the sleepover just some guy the mailman pops in yeah sam talent he loves i delivered him boogers from cambodia just last week yeah save your booger orders here face top dollar where should i park the truck there's so many i mean who didn't need a booger back in the day it's good fun but uh yeah no i fucking weird move to be so like i think it's just the urge to be mean like that power obviously i mean a bunch of kids do that shit and they they cranked it up to 11.

Instead of being like, hey, look, this chick got her period early. They'll just be like, hey, here's another fun prank. I made a bunch of bombs and I'm going to shoot a bunch of, you know what I mean? Like, man, kids really got innovative with the escalating and topping one another. Top that. Yeah, they just grope so fast. They just gro up so fast. Yeah. They go to the milk section at stores.

Honk my wife. I, I, I remember one time me and Bonzo and like third gravy went on a field trip and me and him were on one bus and Clay to Han was on a different bus. And I was like, Hey,

when we get back to school, let's make fun of clay. And Bonzo was like, hey, when we get back to school, let's make fun of Clay. And Bonzo was like, okay, good idea. He was real fez back then. Little Bonzo. Yeah. Little Bonzo, it's like he couldn't talk through his throat so he had to go through his giant nose.

Okay, that sounds like fun. Hey, Bonzo, I'm a single kid I don't have any siblings both of my parents work so I have to use the TV for learning things so we just went up to Clay and we're like hey you wear diapers or something stupid and Clay's like no I don't he diapers or something stupid? And Clay was like, no, I don't.

Cool diaper. Yeah, he ran home crying and his mom called me later and was like, why did you do that to your best friend? And I was like, Bonzo made me do it. And she's like, Bonzo's not a real person. Like, what are you talking about? No one's named Bonzo. You made Bonzo.

Yeah. He's just a character in your head. No, I'm real, Sam. Tell them. I will. Don't worry, Bonzo. He's just a character in your head. No, I'm real, Sam. Tell them. I will. Don't worry, Bonzo. Just talking to my hand. Bonzo, are you hungry? Yeah. Jerk off with his face.

Got a bunch of dogs coming in and licking my butt. I don't know why i can't get over the idea of a prank where someone just like gets pants shoved into some kind of delicious dessert and then there's just like a cage full of dogs it's brought over and it's like all right the dogs seal the deal. And it's just like an old dude. It's like that some kid's dad is standing there waiting to pull the pin on the. All right. We got his pants down.

Now shove them in the pie. Good. All right. Time to seal the deal. Just like smacking the cage. All the dogs go out and lick this new child. Huh? just like smacking the cage so all the dogs go out and lick this nude child oh boy i think i think we've got a great we've got a great foundation for a new prank show we we bring ling on board and we are rolling yeah we gotta Ling will love the dogs it's called unleash the mutts

I gotta hit up Polk's new girlfriend hey put me on the phone with Ling we want to bring in Ling we want to see what's got, and we're going to build off of that. We're going to add dogs to at least 75% of these ideas. No, every prank ends with someone unleashing dogs. It's not even different pranks. The only thing that's different is the setup. It's just a different location, and we work at a different spot but then every time it's just pants down fall into a some type of cream-based dessert and then dogs come we can switch up the dogs so that the dogs get you know profiles and everybody has their favorite dog

yeah we can vote dogs off the show Which dog didn't lick the cream quick enough? We make sure that a lot of the dogs are ones that will hump as opposed to just licking or just hanging out. While the person's fighting off the dogs off of their dessert-soaked rump. One of them's just humping its head. Ling liked that one the most bows and disappears ah ah

ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

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ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

ah ah ah ah ah ah ah This is fucking killing me.

Oh, my face hurts from laughing. It's even funnier if... Your face hurts from falling off of a building. I know, but it was like not hurting at all today. Now it's throbbing again. It's a smiling sword. His nose just dumps blood. His eyes explode. There it goes.

A dog comes in and eats. it goes dog comes in and eats George Michael and mama burst through the window oh yeah I would immediately get in the car come on pups load up let's go or what if it's like a prank like uh you're at the doctor's office and it's like uh sir I'm sorry but uh we lost baby. like oh no what about my wife? we lost her too and then it's just a man like having a complete breakdown and then you just see a bunch of dogs rush through and then Ling is just spinning and bowing and it's not insensitive to say that she would be bowing because she's chinese if japanese people are the ones who bow traditionally oh so getting it wrong

absolves you no it's like if i bow it's okay no that's appropriation okay well see you know what i've been seeing a lot of appropriation going on? You're not allowed to bow. Is people wearing, like, conical hats? You know, like the hats that are worn in, like, Vietnamese rice patties? Those, like, big ones with a little point on them? I've been seeing people just wearing those on the streets. Do they have the net on them as well? No, no net, but just the patty cap. Yeah, that's not good.

Yeah, I don't get it. I don't know why that's all right. I think because they work so well at keeping pale people from getting sunburns out in the heat. Oh, I agree. I think it's a great design. I just didn't know that we could wear them. I mean, can I wear a headdress when it's hot out? Well, I think the patty hat's more of like a thing they used because it was a good design,

not a sacred item to their people. Okay, good point. Good design. Workers. So, you know, you're showing solidarity with the working class. Put one on, go get some sushi. You're like, start bowing, everybody. Man. I got to recover after the dog thing yeah that fucked me up

yeah oh yeah the real listeners or i mean the non-page listeners don't know about becker becker had a massive concussion he fell off a loading dock uh and we're glad he's okay yeah i'm doing great i feel i feel pretty good i get tired kind of fast but. Yeah, I'm doing great. I feel pretty good. I get tired kind of fast, but other than that, I'm doing great. Oh, that's good. You look good. You don't have anything to do, so you can get tired from... I like that you have to keep supervising people doing work.

You just have to look at them like, all right. You have a little clipboard, and you act like you're checking boxes. All right, right on schedule yeah or just like stand on the back and smoke cigarettes but it seems like they get work done if there's actually a body there sure yeah because you could tell uh somebody important and then next thing you know there's negative feedback there's uh no bonus this year the kids aren't getting a new dog after all one that humps or otherwise yeah no no licking or humping you get a three-legged dog can't hump there's no fun what if what if a little behind the scenes for the show ling lives in the cages with the dogs

yeah you should definitely keep talking about ling i think you finally found the spot where we might need to edit. No, what if she travels with the dogs? And just lives in there and is one of them, and then they trust her. You're thinking like a real railroad baron. We're going to have a carny dog wrangler, all right? And that's going to be some grizzled... You know, the guy that you want to be

there to corroborate these like booger eating stories it would be the dog wrangler okay that's fine some some grizzled carny that's always smoking a cigarette like always ling living in the cages has nothing to do with her being a chinese prankster it does you want to put you want to put a lot of people in cages that and none of them are white. None of them look like you. I want to put you in a cage for your birthday. Oh, believe me. Megan's taking care of my cage needs. Oh, good. Yeah, what's the plan?

What's she going to do? We've got a cage coming, hopefully tomorrow. And it's only big enough for me to, like, just barely not freak out inside of it. Okay, good. it's only big enough for me to like just barely not freak out inside of it okay good and uh yeah you know she's gonna designate which corner is for p and which one is for shit and uh throw a blanket over it whenever she leaves right she's gonna play loud music so that i don't freak out about fireworks uh we've got it all planned out i like the idea that the cage is big enough that you can be in it on all fours but

you can't turn around that's what she like you know she like throws like you know a hot pocket in there and she's like hey nate go get it and you're like completely nude and you get in the cage and she locks it and then your butt is just pushed against the bear cage and then mama and george come over and she covers it in honey and And she's like, Hey, and then she, Megan pulls her face off and it's Ling. The ultimate break. It's been Ling the whole time. You've been married to Ling. She fucking,

yeah, she took me for a 10 year ride. Yeah. Just wears me out. Ashley Kutcher comes in with a bunch of cameras. Your life's a lie. Now who's a spy? You've been linked.

Well, next thing you know, I decide to end things. I dump Ling. And I move on with my life. I get some dim sum. Yeah, why don't you move up here and live with me? I thought I'd get something out of dump Ling. Oh, no. I don't. i like to keep it above the belt these dogs are only licking above the belt you liar i didn't look i'm sorry

man i'm i'm in such a ketosis form of clarity and focus that i did not get dumpling i didn't pick up on that and And I do apologize because that was very funny. What have you been eating? Cabbage. Oh, perfect. Your family loves that. Actually, here's what's exciting. I haven't been

farting. Another lie. I know. It sounds like a bold-faced lie, but I've had at least one and a half heads of cabbage over the last three days. And I have not been blasting. It's weird. Is it coming? Is it bubbling up inside of you? I don't know, dude. I don't feel any kind of like...

There's not like a fissure. There's not like a coming earthquake that I can feel the rumbles of. I feel like you're going to get split apart like a Pangea. Yeah. Like we should warn FEMA. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You're going to need some aid.

What are you eating? Becker? A lot of Kit Kats. Oh man. I got so mad at myself because when we did yeah the key lime pot god damn it when you mentioned that shit away when when uh when we recorded with caleb and christy and you mentioned them my legendary episode my brain my brain immediately was like holy shit i gotta have one of those and then i fucking forgot about it because i was uh focused on the pot i was on quality control and then at the end i forgot about

him and i left and then like that night or the next day i was like god damn you whoa you got other ones god what are those other ones the other ones are the mocha ones and then the fruity cereal ones are very good too jesus fucking christ what the fuck are you doing to me right now are you getting those online on the dark web no walmart walmart is killing it huh yeah you gotta go to the you gotta go to the seasonal aisle okay yeah that freezer that freezer looked like a seventh grader's wet dream just pizzas frozen pizzas and kit kats and eggos no vegetables in sight i'm sure they're in the fridge there are vegetables in the fridge but not in the freezer in the crisper going going rotten untouched yeah i have three days of sobriety off sugar, and you're going to show me fruity cereal-flavored Kit Kats.

They're so good, man. They taste just like Froot Loops. Of course they're good. No shit, they're good. Why would, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I just have these delicious treats in here. They're not very good.

Everybody shut up. Shut up and think about someone else for once in your life. They're not very good. Everybody shut up. Shut up and think about someone else for once in your life. That's another one of your coordinated fucking fuck Sams. Did you guys work this one out before the pod? Oh, Sam's on keto.

Let's show him how many delicious Kit Kats Becker has in his freezer. Hey, Becker, I got an idea. Why don't you eat some key lime Kit Kats on the pod and I'll ask you what they are. Oh, yeah. We're constantly talking behind your back. No, you're going to hear the next thing you're going to hear is a gunshot go off. My head's going to be painted all over the wall and then a bunch of dogs are going to come and lick it.

And your butt. Yeah. You're going to shit your pants. I'm finally going to dump all that cabbage out then gordy's gonna have some soup it's gonna be like an irish wake over here blood soup yeah you can't make fun of it because it's like that's that's irish heritage yeah don't be insensitive the ancestors and the ancestors have been surviving the only reason there's any irish people today is because the survivors the the the old families subsisted on blood shit soup that's

right oh god yeah i don't know i've been eating a lot of broth i made a bunch of uh neck bone and oxtail broth that i've just been eating with different vegetables and meats and it's good man i mean it's not that bad i haven't like hit some kind of like lust for sugar yet i am detoxing like my sweat stinks have you had headaches No, I'm not a baby. That's chemical. I thought when you went off of sugar there was a withdrawal like caffeine or heroin.

I have not hit the keto flu yet. I don't feel like spry. I have been crawling around on all fours throughout the house. Gordy trying to hump you. Yeah, Gordy loves it. He's like, who's walking who?

Gordy thinks he's influencing you? Yeah. All right. This plan is coming along nicely. He texts Ling. He's like, we got him right where we want him. along nicely he texts ling he's like we got him right where we want to get a giant jar of jelly ready i don't i mean i it's gonna be it's gonna be rough man i'm all you know i i want noodles i really went for it did i tell you guys what i ate that night before I went in to rehab?

Yeah. Say it again. It's on the Patreon if people want to hear it. Ah, come on, you dangler. Yeah, that's the one that's going to get them to sign up. I can't wait. What did Sam eat? I'll pay anything.

Spill it. Did I talk to you guys before or after the ice cream sandwiches before okay you said you were maybe gonna get uh ice cream well it wasn't it wasn't a singular ice cream sandwich let's just put it at that it was a club yeah it was uh it was a fucking trip long triple decker as a party sub? I jareded my ass. You ate them all while looking at pictures of kids. I get what the hype was about. It's the innocence.

It's not that they're hot. It's not that they're fucking... They don't have them. They're just uncorrupted. And I could be the corrupter. All right. I get what this guy's spitting. Blank canvas. Yeah.

Blank canvas that I can cover in shit blood stew. Hey, kids, you ever been in a cage before? You want to play puppy dog? So I left and I went and I got three of those cookies, the Toll House cookies with ice cream inside of them. Yeah, those are good. The ones that are like a hamburger. Right. And I did not make it

in the house with any of them. You ate them in the car? Yeah. It was like a real dark moment, honestly, man. It wasn't like the celebration of like, you know, hey, I'm going to get healthy. I was like, fuck. What am I doing? It was like you were breaking we're gonna get healthy i was like fuck what am i doing it's like you're breaking up with uh your lifelong partner yeah i mean i sweet sweet treats i have a bad time

when it comes to food like i do not have a healthy relationship with food so i was just sitting there cracking open the third one and i was like oh you don't need this but god do you want it yeah it's real it gets into your brain you're addicted and then you don't think about it that much and it's uh ruining your life in ways that you can't really pinpoint and then you uh have to try and be better i don't know it sucks yeah being better sucks who wants to be better being better is totally that's the thing man is if we were like 20 years in the future, we're in this fucking strange window where

100 years ago, everything just killed you and you lived to 43. And like 50 to 100 years from now, everyone's going to live as long as they want to and they're going to be growing new organs and you can buy kidneys at Safeway. We're just in this fucking window where we can't do whatever the hell

we want. It sucks. In 20 years you can be able to blast cigs and eat Kit Kat bars and everyone's just going to be Becker in 20 years. Consequence free. No repercussions. Everyone's just having a good time.

Here we are, just stuck. Stuck in the middle with you. 46 and two steps ahead of me, as Tool liked to say, old Maynard James. Possible rapist. Really? I don't know. There were some stories. Possible Danny Masterson kind of stuff.

I wonder if Fez ever got diddled by Masterson. Danny. Shit. Yeah, Danny. Well, there's multiple Mastersons. I serve one Masterson, and it's Danny. The one I serve

is the older brother, I'm Malcolm in the middle. No gods, no Masterson. That's the reboot of that 70s show. Yeah. That's the new 70s show. No hide.

There's no hide and don't seek them out because you don't want, you're not going to like what you find. Yeah. If he, if, I mean, look, if anyone was going to peep on anyone,

he should have peeped on Laura Prepon. Yeah. I mean, look, if anyone was going to peep on anyone, he should have peeped on Laura Prepon. Yeah. You want to talk about all-time havers of them? Oh, yeah. I've only seen the first 10 minutes of Orange is the New Black. Yeah, but I've seen it like 60 times. She dump them out? Oh, yeah.

Bonzo's hungry whenever I watch that show. Is it time for lunch? It sure is, yeah. Bonzo's hungry whenever I watch that show. Is it time for lunch? Sure is, pal. We're doing it raw, so it feels worse. Oh, good. I hate being slippery. Pleasure and pain. P&P Music Factory. Yeah, dude, she dumps and it's legendary. Yeah.

But imagine what the widow looked like back in the day. Imagine what what? Imagine what they would have looked like back in the day when she was on that 70s show. Oh, sure. Like, you know, first season of that 70s show. How old was she? I need I'm looking at it right now. 70s show.

How old was she? I'm looking at it right now. Well, you're in the clear, I think, because I know Mila Kunis was the very young one. She lied about being... But she was 16. Right. She said she was going to be 18. But she was like

15 and a half. Laura Pripron was probably like 22 or something. Yeah, she was born in 1980, so she's seven years older than me. Nice. Yeah, I can't be in trouble for that. You just chubbed up. Yeah, I'm bulletproof.

Get Lang in here. I'll show her a thing or two. God damn. What what you just love it and the name ling is funny you love ling yeah live laugh ling uh you got shows coming up boy brother do I I'm at the Denver Comedy Lounge Friday and Saturday come on out and watch me and the next week I will be in beautiful New York City

doing nothing yeah right you're meeting up with Jeff Singer I'm not doing you guys are going to go hat shopping yeah he's going to take hat shopping? Yeah. He's going to take out his hat and bond his underneath there.

I'm not doing anything in New York. He said it. That's so fucking stupid. These fucking idiots. What should I do with this power that I have? This gate? What should I do with this gate that I have to keep? I should probably say it.

In front of a bunch of black guys. Oh, yeah. Just getting hard by what he can get away with. Fellas, I'm with the movement here. Allow me. Allow me to say it and then spray it. What are you doing out there? You can't say?

No, I can't say yet, but I'll be out there. And then what are you doing out there you can't say no i can't say yet but i'll be out there and then uh what are we into august we're moving right into august after that yeah we got another week of july good god where's the time go brother august to ashes is that a band butts butts. You know what I'm doing tonight? Freaking out because you can't have any sugar? Yeah. I'm just rattling my own cage. Screaming at Gordy. Put me in the cage, Gordy.

Throw away the key. No, I'm doing a show at the Boulder Auto Hotel in Boulder, Colorado. Guess who's running the show? Legendary producer. Toby. No.

Zuckerman. No, but Zuckerman and Jason. Spencer James. Oh, we're getting close. Who would book all of those people? Dick Black? No black no no no come on do you give up yeah jesse carter ah shit i yeah damn it you're you were right i was like come on you're you're leading me down the wrong path but you were not yeah no who would book both spencer james and zuckerman it's not gretchen hess yeah jesse carter yeah jc yeah he's back

he's doing 15 up front noah reynolds is doing his first 30 ever oh that's tonight all right it's gonna be a blood bath noah finally gets to shine you know uh did you watch that video he did with harris alterman uh no i don't i don't watch that kind of stuff he did a good job but then at the end uh he he said to Harris, do you take Venmo even though he was the one that was supposed to be paid? So I definitely blasted him for that. Wow. We got to raise him right. And you spare the rod, you spoil the Noah.

I want to spoil him with my rod. I smacked him. I smacked him. I was like, why did you say do you take Venmo when you were the one that was supposed to be compensated for your services hey if anyone wants tickets to the show in boulder tonight tickets are 20 each or purchase our 90 couples package including two tickets and 60 worth of food and beverage if you'd like tickets email a hind man at boulderado.com. No one's going to come to the show.

Yeah, that is... I mean, it works with some places where they have the package, and it's like, oh, what a steal. What a fun night out. You know, these loveless marriages get spiced up by spending $120 to see Noah do $30. Yeah, to see him struggle and shit the bed for 30 minutes. To him just throw a complete spaz and look around and be like,

I'm a twin. That's crazy. I'm the baby. Gotta love me. Is he a twin? What? Is Noah a twin? You didn't know that?

He's not a twin. He's a twin. You're thinking of Aaron Maslow. No, I'm never thinking of Aaron Maslow. He's a twin. You can't stop thinking aboutlow. No, I'm never thinking of Aaron Maslow. He's a twin. You can't stop thinking about him. No, that's why Maslow likes Noah, because Maslow has twins, and Noah is a twin, so he just knows how to raise them up.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs for you is just Maslow. That's all you need. Maslow was the one who hooked me up with Bulwark fire-resistant coveralls. Whoa, that's not true. Yes, it is. He's the one who hooked that up. He's been around that long yes see now who's not thinking about maslow he's a student of the game no i got a mas load of

knowledge to drop on your dumb little ass yeah noah's a twin his brother's hot he's gross uh he got the twin got all of the nutrients oh yeah noah's just a shell of the brother yeah it's crazy that noah survived the womb because his brother's like a hot little piece little gus reynolds and then noah's you know looks like that uh that bat creature from uh harry potter what was that thing called inky or dwingus i'm talking about no i didn't watch harry potter i'm almost the house elf doby yeah doby yeah he looks like doby uh better hair but that's it uh yeah that's about it but uh noah's a twin come see him fucking end it. Live on stage. Yeah.

No, Noah's actually funny, but we neg him in order to make him work harder. You know where he wasn't funny? On our live podcast where no one's blown it as bad as him ever. That's the only time that he's blown it recently. Jesus. I wish we had some fucking cake and dogs on that show. We should have put him in a coffin down in the basement of that funeral home yeah you should have put him in the outsider's edge into an open grave and then cover him in dirt so london it's your birthday tomorrow what are you gonna do for your birthday

who cares i'm 39 i'm just i want to know i want to know what the move is. Well, so I haven't had meat in a week and a half. So definitely going to eat some meat, a little meat treat. Trinidad Smokehouse has some solid barbecue here. But there's also this little meat wagon, a little guy in a smoker with a smoker on wheels, you know, at Flojo's bar and i might do that instead what if you did both well i don't think i can as opposed to having meat once a week like as much as i want in a week i think i have to be careful uh not to od uh so i might just have

to pick like a plate of meat and I think I might go with the ribs, the pork ribs from this guy in a smoker, a smoke hut. Uh, but maybe I'll double dip, space it out throughout the day. I don't know. Are you inviting Becker? Is this Becker's invite? What are you doing tomorrow? Uh, what is tomorrow friday nothing

working hopefully if they're out of there watching a skilled tradesman do his thing while you pound kit kats just eat different kit kats you keep those fucking kit kats to yourself for the foreseeable future all right well for how long how long are you gonna be on this diet where i can't celebrate my joy the rest of lun's life so about six months okay no i think it has to be a full lifestyle choice man i gotta lose 100 pounds by march what are you are you in a fucking action movie what's going on yeah dude i am they always go to new york are you the new Kumail? They cast me as the young John Leguizamo. They're doing the pest again?

Yeah, they're doing pest 2, pest this day. I have to go out there and they're fitting me for a special tanning booth so I can take on the hue of Leguizamo. No, I just want to fucking lose weight, man. I feel like I'm a big load. Yeah, you're not wrong.

Okay, well, see, yesterday, that's not helpful. Yesterday, Emily was talking about doing keto, and I was like, you know, you have to eat a lot of fat if you're going to do keto. And she's like, what, So I'll just eat you? God damn. She doesn't miss.

No! It hurt. It hurt me. Well, maybe it'll stick this time and you'll change. Well, I need to change, man. And I'm changing for the fans. You know what we're not changing? Is patreon everyone get on that fucking patreon it's the most fun that you're gonna have this podcast rocks we can admit it this is probably one of the better podcasts in existence no one's talking about smart shit there's no politics involved

we rarely have women on so go ahead it's bad boys for life over here yeah so yeah remember five bucks a month gets you the extra bonus episode twenty bucks a month gets you that's an extra bonus episode every week that's two episodes of chubby content

a week and then the twenty dollars gets you mail we'll send you a piece of personalized mail this month it's the first edition of chubby behemoth merch it's coming to you live in the mail and remember if you put up 50 a month you're going to spend 24 hours in the cage with ling so don't forget get on that get on that uh get on the patreon everyone i need i need to lay down patreon.com slash chubby Behemoth. And yeah, you throw up five bucks

and you've got access to every Patreon episode. Is that correct? Yeah, dude. That's crazy. Well, I just wanted to double check because it's such an insane devil's agreement. What a contract from hell. As far as we're concerned,

I mean, God god you can really bend us over a barrel you pay five bucks you blast what 50 episodes yeah if you put up 100 bucks a month you get eiffel tower becker so yeah you get to pick whoever else you want yeah high five while spit roasting poor little becktown if i had to suck a dick i would want it to be a A, incredibly hard. I don't want it soft. I want the hardest dick ever. That's Sharpie.

Yeah, Sharpie, his little ping tingler. And I would like it in a butterscotch coating from Dairy Queen.