Chubby Behemoth - Virgin Long Island

Episode Date: January 1, 2022

Turkey God. Pitch Woo. These Damn Ions.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

yeah sarah remember them well they won't they well they won't they yeah right they were dating but then it turned out they were sisters like the white stripes yeah that's not true they were the opposite yeah we thought they were dating but they are related and then white stripes we thought they were related but they were dating wait what i'm not gonna say it again jack and meg white weren't brother and sister no they were married what yeah yeah you were jerking off to fake incest oh my god at the beginning of their career he thought it was more interesting to tell press that they were brother and sister because that was a more interesting gimmick than a couple.

Yeah, I know, guys. I'm fibbing. Shut up. What book did you hold up? Check this out. As if we were supposed to give a shit. Oh, nice. Yeah, this is the first one we're putting out besides mine.

Hell yeah. Yeah, dude. You're not countington's book anymore or what no dayton's book has been redacted dayton's book sucks all right do you hear that dayton you little bitch like an hour all right cool thanks becker no problem thanks becker so becker couldn't be on the episode because he has to go bang his sister and his niece is that what he was saying no oh what was it he's visiting them before they go to korea to try to assassinate kim jong-un oh that's huge good so he has to give them a bit of his seed for power no reading between the lines here god you're filling the lines with your cum no i'm it's not my cum it's becker look look look let me

clear this up becker is going to visit his north korean sister and her daughter named kim and he's gonna own in them is that what you just said yeah this is fun where you don't understand anything he's gonna own in their poon. Just stupid. Stupid as hell. Can't listen to something without blowing it. Why are you so quiet? I don't know. Why are you so loud? Because my microphone's good.

And yours honks. No, mine's good. I can turn it up. I'm sure. People keep saying that your mic sounds like you're underwater and i don't get that better is that good i don't know if it's even like plugged in it sounds like i'm getting your computer audio your fucking shit probably sucks i was just talking with becker and it was fine yeah but becker doesn't do any kind of audio engineering he's just here to cash his check and bang his sister and niece wonder why they're going to korea well uh because that lifestyle is much more accepted over there

i've seen the pornography bring covet over there they were doing a good job and now it's time to get those numbers up and destabilize yeah we gotta spike it with some well his sister's a doctor right yes so maybe he's she's going over over there to anesthetize some of them. Because they have a huge demand for, I don't know if you've ever heard of euthanasia, but there's a bunch of sick kids over there that want to die. Oh, okay. Well, yeah. And there's a lot of them. So less of them would mean more breadcrumbs for the survivors.

Well, he's going to South Korea, I think. I don't think they're going to North Korea. Yeah, no shit. Oh, okay. Well, look, man, I'm just trying to keep up myself. All right. Is this one of those Lund just woke up and now he's mad at me because he's alive? Just woke up, slept for like five and a half hours because i worked late one for every inch of your

rock hard hog i'm gonna be mean okay fine be mean to me i want to feel something else you're having a party tonight so that's cool i am having a party with a bunch of people who have all tested negative for the covid variant so yeah i am i'm having friends over sorry you don't have any friends down there and fucking swamp hole becca you know becker showed me before you hopped on was uh he was saw a picture where his he's looking down and he could see how bald he was getting oh no and then he uh i was like well yeah maybe you know you don't have to shave it all off right away maybe just try to do something shorter and he was like yeah but my head's all fucked up

and my back i got a real flat spot on the back of my head and as i'm gonna tell him like it's probably not that flat he put his phone on it and it fucking rested that you know it just laid flat i was like uh-oh he is i don't know what he's gonna do he's gonna have to become a trucker hat guy or something he's got mesa dome yeah he should get into uh like festive hats man i've been telling all my friends that haberdashery is gonna be big in 2022 so maybe he gets like a beanie maybe he gets a fez He could be a fez guy. Aberdashery, tomfoolery, chicanery. Yeah, just shenanigans in general. I like the idea of hats, but too big of a head.

Most of them are too expensive. And what else? Oh, most hats look too, what is it? Not affected, but just um pretentious pretentious or um i can't think of the word i want to use but it's uh like deliberate like it's your whole thing or whatever yeah it's like it's really hard to have a personality but it is really easy to buy a hat or yeah or like all of them like any hat i can think of right now is like kind of tied to a long line of particular people and most of them are bad to one degree another incel rapist sex

fiend yarmulkes nerd it's like yuck what are we doing you can't even eat soup out of that thing if you can't eat a big bowl of pho out of your hat, you should not be allowed to wear it. That's what I've always said. Like cowboy hat. You look, you found one. It looked nice on you, but now you're on that cowboy hat team. And guess what? That's a pretty rough team to defend in court.

No, it's not, dude. Rodeo. Come on. Slide guitar players. Small town country lawyers? It's a great lineage. I'm not saying every single cowboy hat wearer is guilty of some crime against either the earth or humanity. What about Boss Hogg?

Remember him? Not really. You don't either. I do too. He was a fat guy hero. He was the only representation we had from like 1975 until uh you know john popper came on the scene wearing all white and somehow not sweating through it yeah it's like come on you can't wear wise spiking the hat in the ground stomping on it

those goddamn duke boys got away with misogyny again that means race mixing right yes yes cool see how on fire i am god you're lucky that i got you strapped to my back and i'm carrying through the foxholes you got up early yeah i did get up early because i have to throw this big party does does that did emily give you a list of things to do you gotta clean you gotta you gotta sweep the backyard like i did for emily's birthday no it's snowing here so i don't have to do shit outside. No one's allowed outside. All I had to do was get a turkey and three gallons of peanut oil,

so we have enough to lube up me and Pat Richardson for the ball drop wrestling match. You fight over an uncooked turkey. Yeah, well, that turkey's been left out for a couple of days. Why is this the prize the winner gets to put it on their head turkey god turkey god let's all pray to the turkey god new hat there isn't there isn't you could start a new lineage of hat wear and it's uncooked turkey hat yeah it's uh i mean see so next year is all about predicting the trends and i think i'm on the

cutting edge of that one like i've always been monarchs overalls having a wife that's really hot i was doing this all this shit before anyone else was it's pretty cool i've been singing i sang a song last night emily came home and uh drank two bottles of wine because it was her first day off in like two weeks. And we watched Don't Look Up. And she got really sad because she's a doomer now. And she's like, this is the truth. It's a prophecy.

It's not a fictionalized account. This is what's going on, man. I didn't know anything about anything because she's just been in medical school. Oh, yeah. She's catching up now. And she's like, wait wait the climate is bad yeah she's like what the sun's our enemy i thought it gave us strawberries i thought that's how we grew all of our fun fruits that we like to eat i was like look you need to use your brain and give me some brain all right open up and wise up bitch no but she got all sad so we put on the departed afterwards so that she could enjoy uh

you know wash out her brain my dad was sitting in one chair and i was laying down and emily fell asleep on my belly like a sugar glider um so i was singing this to my dad because he kept being like my being too loud like he'd be they wouldn't say a word for like 15 minutes then be like am i too loud over here you would drop a drop a tissue on the ground oh god i'm so sorry i wake up and start crying uh no so i kept singing shut up old bitch my wife is sleeping so stop creeping and leave us alone wait before i forget okay what uh you know becker mentioned that you he got some clandestine clandestine audio of you bitching about sketch fest being canceled but you said or he said the funniest part was your dad describing omicron is that uh playable is that

recordable i don't. I don't remember any of that. I didn't mean to record any of that. In Sketchfest, the email said, please don't tell anyone. So we shouldn't have put it out in the first place. Becker thought I was doing some kind of like secret, like the bonus track at the end of the episode. And no, I just left my computer in the next room and breadcrumbs. Yeah, exactly. Follow it back to the candy factory. I'm going to dip you all in taffy. So, yeah, no, I don't know. My dad was like this Omicron, you know, it's no joke.

Maybe it is. I don't know. Who cares? Your mom's gone. I wish I was with mommy. That's his big catchphrase now. I wish I was with mommy. He's playing with a giant knife as he's talking to you and no one yeah he's just spinning the barrel on a revolver and being like click

click right i'm like shut up old bitch my wife is sleeping but she'll wake up unlike yours oh no yeah it's an eternal rest yeah it is it's just saying goodbye forever what would be worse that fact or you know in the next like five minutes betsy's eyes open wide and she's like what is she gonna do then she's just in her casket singing new metal I don't exist the dirt is my home I'm encased in mud bud

I want blood I'd be sick if she came back from the grave and just like was the lead singer for Pig Destroyer that'd be huge she can only talk and squealing her cremated her cremains form a smaller

person a smaller version of herself obviously because there's density that's lost you know to the air but yeah she's just like this like one eighth it's even better if she comes back and she come on she's pissed come on i'm little where is my drink yeah where is my mouth my mom shows up she's uh 35 pounds of ash and we just have to buy a bunch of cigarettes and ash on top of her head so she can get bigger oh you know i came up with a character last night at the bar oh wow well i'm doing a little homework for the pod well and it was fun it felt right as soon as it happened uh my friend laney was there she drinks uh red wine and we had a little goblet you know we have these funny little

wine glasses and she uh wasn't gonna finish her wine so i picked it up and i start you know we have these funny little wine glasses and she uh wasn't gonna finish her wine so i picked it up and i start you know holding it as if it's mine and i was like oh this is fun look at me you know and then i said uh oh this other guy was like you're missing a cigarette and i was like oh yeah cigarette and then the glass of wine. And then I thought, oh, I would ash the cigarette in the glass of wine. And then everybody that sees me is like waiting, you know, just like the anticipation is building. Oh, he's going to drink the fucking wine, you know, the wine full of cigarette ash. But I don't do it because I don't drink the wine, you know. But I'm like kind of dick teasing everybody because I think they're going to watch me blow it.

But I don't blow it because I'm not drunk. That's like a drunk move, right? Like you're absentmindedly ashing into your glass of wine and then you're fucked up. So you drink the wine and everybody's like, yeah, happy new year. But I don't do that. So it's a little bit of, well, like we said earlier, don't know if it's chicanery shenanigans chicanery i guess is more is darker than that but i think that's really some shenanigans tomfoolery there it is yeah i had a science teacher once who not to cut you off from your

amazing character sorry fuck you no that's good i like it let's let's walk it through ready you be the character and i'll be a perspective. I don't know. Somebody wants to pitch woo your way when the ball drops. Ready? Pitch woo? Okay. Yeah.

I'm trying to woo you into my bed, my marital bed. I want to have a three-way with you and my wife, who's 35 pounds of ash. She just came back from the dead. She talks like this. Okay. And you're the guy. She talks like this. Okay. And you're the guy. You're the boy or girl. I'll be a lady.

Okay. So you're a lady who has a cigarette and a glass of wine. And I want to know if you're going to ask you. Here we go. No, I'm asking. And you're going to you wonder if I'm going to drink it. You didn't even listen. It was a second character.

You blow it right away. I'm trying to put it all together. It's a lot of moving pieces, dude. Here we go. Ready? Wow, what a beautiful night here in Trinidad. And look, we're about a minute away from the ball drop. My God, what a new year is on the horizon.

We're so lucky to be alive. What say you, madame? I'm just so glad that everybody was able to come here and say goodbye to the old and usher in the new. Oh, yes. What a beautiful way to put it. By the way, miss, have you met my wife? This is my wife, Betsy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure, but welcome to my home and i i assume this is not the last glass of wine available i i don't want to be the only one with red stained teeth to usher in 2022 well maybe if you put your lips to mine my lips might be purple as well smooch my hubby easy

Betsy it's okay don't just let me play my game I wish I had your figure miss I mean my god what is it that you do to be 35 pounds and only 17 to 25 inches tall get burned alive

get turned to dirt and interred in the earth Get burned alive. Get turned to dirt and interred in the earth. They thought I was dead. But I live. She was a bit of a singer in her former years. Anyway, so I can't help but notice that you have... Shut up. Let's watch her drink it. Oh, easy. that you have. Shut up. Let's watch her drink it.

Easy. You have quite the coquettish manner when it comes to smoking your cigarette, madam. I can't help but be enchanted. Oh, of course. I apologize for inviting people over and then imbibing wine and having a cigarette indoors.

It's only me and Jake Becker that smoke inside these days, and I feel that it is. You know Becker? Of course, Trinidad is a two-horse town, and one of the two horses wandered up from Raton, but we do enjoy our indoor smoking, me and Mr. Becker. Of course, he's not here. He's banging his own sister and niece.

But he's welcome in my home anytime. And all I regret is that there aren't any other smokers in here. Obviously, ma'am, you look like you were a smoker at some point or a smokey. You were in a smoker at some point in your uh in your transformation from the world of the living to the realm of the dead i met god and the devil they live in the same house okay let's i told you to keep that kind of talk until after we've sealed the deal anyway oh look the ball is about to drop it to the countdown 10 9 ma'am uh i don't want to be too forward, but nothing would please us more than to invite you into our cocoon of sex that we sleep in every night. Three, two, one.

My goodness. Well, I wouldn't want to bring in the new year with any trepidation or regret. So I would, of course, give a smooch. But I'm curious about the details of this potential affair. I mean, I don't want to have your lovely partner disintegrate under the weight of a human body. And of course, how do we pick up the pieces if she is smushed into the comforter on my bed i don't have a dust devil i would have to get the full vacuum and of course it's already full of cigarette ash and remnants of wine from weekends past well let me tell you this is something about her corporeal form that she's been stuck in

not only she can she become uh fragments and figments and dust she can also solidify her body into a concrete state so i was thinking and again i don't want to be too forward what if i shoved my wife inside of your snatch and she became a rock hard mass would that not do it for you madame let me be your brick dildo okay again chill chill chill my goodness uh well of course i'm pleased at the prospect of a person an entire being inside of me i'm a person me giving me pleasure and i assume i would be able to return the favor hopefully still some ability to experience pleasure and excitement and sexual arousal even in this wonderful and unique form of existence but it sounds like we've got a bit of a deal on the horizon how about we cheers to a night of passion and pleasure cheers madame clink oh of course and i'm

so sorry that i haven't ash my cigarette in quite a while but and i don't want you to assume that this is a fourth no just a normal virginia slim that i have uh taken to uh damn it well look we we cheers it would only be we must seal the deal with a sip correct oh of course of course this is my favorite of all vinos as they say in the old country but um of course i i i enjoy a cigarette and a glass of drink. Drink it. Drink it, you bitch. As much. Drink it. Drink the ash. Consume parts of me.

My baby floats in your vino. Drink it. Drink it. We just wanted to see you drink it, lady. All right. Deal's off. Never mind. Oh, my.

Well, what an unexpected twist, a turn of events. I thought I would start the new year with a literal bang, but instead I shall be alone with only my vices to comfort me. Oh, no. Oh, no. My wife crawled in your mouth. Oh, no. Gag on me. Gag on me.

And scene. And print. That was pretty good. It was fun. Hopefully the illusion was not shattered by our giggling. You know, you're not supposed to laugh. You're supposed to commit. That's what Amy Poehler taught me while she made me finger her behind ucb would you rather finger tina or amy

or curveball horatio sands oh god so i'm watching the newest i finished the latest season of curve your enthusiasm i did too no spoilers you already finished it are you saying for the for the audience no good point spoil it for me well i don't know what spoilers means megan like woke up and was like uh jeff garland huh and i was like oh yeah he's got the you know he has like accusations of being an asshole on the set of the goldbergs i was like oh yeah it sucks and then like a minute later horatio sands pops up and i'm like j Jesus Christ what did he do he was like bringing this like 15 year old to SNL

rap parties and like getting her drunk and she was like this big fan she was obviously homeschooled she didn't know a lot so she thought Horatio Sanz was the greatest on two legs and he like brought her around for like a couple of years it sounded awful it sounded

like she regretted it but she cares shut up no it sounded like it was bad so that sucks that does suck i feel bad for her and all of his victims all of his many victims did you see the clip from that sarah b posted from the the guy on jeopardy from like 2015 he looks like a total creep yeah and then the thing is like the answer of course because jeopardy is such a mind fuck you put game shows on its head um what was it it was like oh the age of this is 14 and girls and 12 and boys and he said what is consent right yeah and i mean it's like he got it right because lavar burton was the judge but um no horatio sands was the guest host and he said you nailed it you got it brother way to go

i'm horatio here's jim's Jimmy Fallon to ruin another scene. The two of them just giggling like we just did. Yeah, while a 15-year-old cries in the corner, bleeding out of all of her holes. God. Jimmy, you did it again. I thought the question was, if this is on the field, it's okay to play ball.

According to popular lore if there's this on the field mow it a according to the bible if one is old enough to bleed they are old enough to blank yeah everything's horrible oh you know what i was going to say when you said it was snowing is that what what a cruel trick by god and mother nature the most sadistic couple in in in history yes and share to have these fires in northern colorado and the wind is ridiculous because a storm is coming and it's just too late you know like what a weird fucking web we weave you know it's snow is going to help but because it's coming there's this wind that's making everything a thousand times worse than it would be god's a fucking asshole he's an impractical joker that's for sure he should be on the cruise ship with mer and q and the boys yeah no here's the thing though is actually snow doesn't help extinguish a fire because as the snow falls it's turned from a

solid form which is snow into a liquid form, which is water. And when the ions leave the solid and it turns into snow, it actually enhances the fire because of the gas ions that are created. So really, this is just like dropping gasoline on a napalm fire right now. I told you this. Neil deGrasse Tyson? Yeah, Neil was over here and we were uh my mom just crawled out of him and turned back into ash from concrete and i was cleaning her off in the sink because she was covered in uh you know his feces from being in

his butt so as he ejaculated he said the ions increased the flame he said these damn ions making this fire worse uh all right yeah let's go with that one the second one the second one's good no um what was i gonna say you said something oh yeah so jeff garland did you hear what the what he was accused of on the set of the goldbergs i think the only thing i saw and i'm sure there's probably other stuff was he kept saying vagina he He kept saying his vagina hurts. He'd say, oh, my vagina hurts. And everyone in the crowd would clap because it's recorded in front of a live studio audience. So he was riffing.

Yeah, apparently that's problematic now. There's like an eight-year-old and a 13-year-old that are in the Goldberg family, and then he's riffing. Yeah, he picks up a banana and talks into it wait that's a banana i thought i don't know my tenuous grasp on reality has been shattered by this fat guy that's all he was doing man it's impossible to have fun and be in hollywood and that's why i'm not going in. He makes me think of Brent Gill. Yeah, but Brent Gill's actually saying problematic things on the patio at Matchbox.

Brent Gill wants to say the F slur so bad that he's willing to suck a dick so he can say it whenever he wants to without getting in trouble. He can get a certificate of authenticity. Yeah, so he can blast hard, you god i'm ratified i'm radicalized so who's coming to this uh supposed party the soiree who's making the trip up i-25 to uh you know nod their head in agreement as you go on and on about how your vagina hurts i'm doing garland's bits and my family cancels me my vagina reeks

did i tell you about how i accused emily of reeking for three months what do you mean in the week since we you're talking uh the last three months or what no like during this year though there was like a three-month period where i would always be like jesus christ you reek take a shower and like the first like months she was like okay i get it ha ha ha it's a bit you're doing and then like the second month she was kind of like she would like check her pits or like smell her socks and be like i don't reek tammy then by the third month she would just hop in the shower without saying a word so i gaslit her into thinking she reeked for 90 days not bad puppet master no i didn't really do that what well next year is around the corner you could start it off right or you could slow play it and have the

90 days begin you know like mid-march so that she thinks oh everything's fine we're good our marriage is great you don't want to do january 1st and she's like oh yeah great this is funny you know slip it in yeah slip it in like my mom and to that lady who smokes and drinks oh god yeah um so who's coming to the great question we've got um my sister of course fetus foot natural uh yep natural we have mel her black companion um we've got fat tits richardson coming up here oh yeah calling us fat and um meanwhile he's one of the dumbest and fattest of all time yeah he's a double dip scientists are measuring him as we speak patrick's the twist cone of fat and stupid yeah why pick why pick one when you can be both it's uh it's a new dawn uh imagine him in some of these hats that are popular amongst uh the generations he wore a sarah b red velvet undertaker hat to a

wedding oh shit i want to see that it's on his instagram okay i'll look that up also he's single ladies yeah climb on that meat mountain. Yeah, slide into Pat's DMs. Yeah, because he's going to leave slime wherever he goes. Don't let him sit on the nice couch. Yeah. Put him on the outdoor furniture. He's like a snail without his shell.

Just bulbous and dripping and smells like garlic. Yeah, so everyone bang Pat Richardson. That's our New Year's Eve suggestion. So slam it. I think Clay D's coming up here. Oh, shit. Yeah, tall Clay. Slender man.

Vic Fangio. I think my cousin. Vic G? Oh, Vic F, you said is coming. Yeah, Vic Fangio, head coach of the Broncos. Vic F. He's coming up here. We're going to give him a towel party where we jerk him off with towels. Doesn't sound that bad. Are you serious? Well, I guess it depends on the towels.

Isn't that what a towel party is? We hold someone down and then everyone jerks him off into a towel. When you first, the way you said it for no real reason i pictured bars of soap in the towels and then just beating the shit out of them but that's me i'm more prone to violence than sex i think that's a blanket party blanket parties where you throw a blanket over a guy who's typically on the top bunk It's his first day of basic training. You're trying to break him into the crew, teach him how the seventh Calvary does business.

And everyone holds the blanket down to pin his arms and legs. And then you, yeah, you put either bars of soap or sometimes oranges or tangerines into a sock. Then you whip him and you whip him and you make him name 10 candy bars. That's a blanket party. But a towel party is where a bunch of people uh get a guy and they all take turns jerking him off until he comes into the towel and then they all wrap the towel around their head and do racist impressions of iraqis

speaking of uh brent gill we had that robe party at the brown palace yeah i didn't care it's you know it was fine i just wanted you to wear yourself out and then i redirect and keep things on course keep it steady long yeah yeah let's bring it back to brent gill america's favorite well how about eight of us in robes getting wasted and rolling around on the floor that was pretty fun at the brown palace too at a very nice hotel yeah just being super annoying to almost all staff just constantly calling and asking for more things to eat and drink right and we're not paying for any of them it was a woman who desperately wanted to keep brent gill we're ashing into our wine left and right imagine spending like 1500 so that brent

gill will stay your lover. Jesus Christ. So you can keep having Brent on top of you sweating and riffing. Just saying into your open mouth as he comes way too early. I eat at Chili's alone. Sounds like a blast. You need to ask Brent about his his hawaiian vacation by the way yeah i went over there by himself probably golfed alone oh he wasn't alone oh he was don't say anything he was alone okay did he have a sex worker? No, no, no, no. He definitely wasn't over there hunting for precious gems.

Oh. Oh, blind item. Yeah. That's a lot. I thought there was something I was going to try to talk about that reminded me, but not enough to actually say it. So that's fun. That's cool. Yeah, we were all wearing robes, and we had to get two robes so yours could fit inside of one.

Feel included. So many robes. Bori was there. Remember Bori? Hey, it's me, Bori. Bori rolled around on the floor. Couldn't get up. Yeah.

He said, I'm the fifth beetle. I'm the fifth beetle. I'm turtling. That's where his dick comes out of its shell. i'm turtling that's where his dick comes out of its shell i'm turtling uh who else is coming up his little brother's coming up here little tomba martin technically tomba tomba martin okay and he where does he live he lives in san francisco now he works i'm not gonna say where he works but uh he's he's over there he live? He lives in San Francisco now. He works, I'm not going to say where he works, but he's, he's over there. He's from Norway. I knew him when he was a boy and the only real time, like we hung out,

he was a baby. I knew him for like the first year of his life and his mother, you know, obviously from Sierra Leone, different culture, you know, different rituals. And we found like a big, like snake, some kind of, it was like a, you know different rituals and we found like a big like snake some kind of it was like you know a non-scary snake but it was in front of david's house and his mom thinks snakes are like bad luck or like a curse or whatever so she had us go out and kill the snake with a rake and a shovel and as we were killing the snake she was holding martin up over her head and like singing a song and that's the only real memory i have with martin until you guys had a couple white claws at the underground

oh yeah now i'm just teaching i'm you know we're close we're effectively family i'm like his cool brother you know david's kind of like the mean one i'm the one slipping in fireworks and cigarettes and david's like how's your roth ira you're telling them you gotta you ash the cigarette into the white clone yeah that's the move over here in america but then you don't drink it you make everybody think you're gonna drink it and they think that you're dumb but they're dumb because you are in control yeah david's like you know it's just uh it's just kind of important for you to maybe go back to college or plan for the next five years. And I'm like, you got to finger him first, Martin. You got to get wet when you slip it in.

I don't know. I don't know that it makes sense for him to leave Norway, which seems like it's got a lot of stuff figured out and then go to america where everything potentially is the worst every day yeah it makes sense for him to leave a white ethno state uh to come to america the land of opportunity you're right well as i said it i know nor is not perfect and there is a lot of no no you love their politics you love their entire ethos over there i love their metal i am ash i was a woman but now i'm just a pile of smoke my son is big and fat hang out with a guy named pat well and if martin has a good job in san francisco then he doesn't have to live on the street and eat

garbage so that's good too yeah he's a tumbler man he was on the norway national uh gymnast team oh that's not a job that's um i don't know i don't think that's a living i don't think maybe in norway they take care of them but athletes here have to like you know be taken in by some old pedophile or whatever and then get groomed and hopefully do a car dealership commercial. Hi, I'm 12-time Olympic medalist and homeless person, Nathaniel Kratliff. Kurt Gowdy. What were you going to say? Okay, my dad last night, we're're eating dinner he was up here for the last four days dave talk baby yeah yeah let's break it off a little duddy knowledge coming your way

this is deep talks with duddy featuring me his son sam talent let me guess do you say the clash was underrated or something no no not one of his stupid regular takes the dud man didn't come with that hard oh i've been calling him dat boy duddy and that's been pretty fun dvd on the scene no my dad said that uh when he was a teacher at legacy academy and elizabeth there was something called grandparents day and people were encouraged to bring in or the kids were encouraged to bring in like a relic of their grandparents or like uh you know dressed like their grandparents but one teacher brought in her grandparents and her grandfather was a washington general for two years well my dad's never told me this story but he got to hang out with a washington general back when you know

fucking metal ark lemon was on the team and this guy told my dad so many, not great general stories, but enough that I was like, Dad, this is one of your better stories. Right. Why are you talking about the time you saw the moon twice in one day or threw a Frisbee 700 yards? We really got to tune in. If we're going to find you a a new lady we got to uh you know get you some better stories papa yeah for the last several years you've been practically obsessed

certainly a big fan of globetrotters culture yes march march 13th i'm going he just held on to that little nugget until the time was right, I guess. Yeah. Like his son has a Harlem Globetrotters back tattoo and he doesn't ever tell him this fucking story. What are we even doing? What are we? What have we been talking about, dad?

Yeah. You have a Globetrotters jersey tattooed on your body. Yeah. You're never not starting for the Globetrotters. My ringtone is literally sweet Georgiaorgia brown i mean i don't know what he wants from me i'm doing a cool thing this next year lund oh shit once a month i'm going to see a live show or do something of cultural importance i'm going to take in art or i'm going to see the ballet or i'm going to do, you know, something just like beyond watching SEC football and losing thousands of dollars on the Georgia team.

You're currently watching football, are you not? No. You're pulling a Noah. You're watching TV while recording your podcast. Alabama and Cincinnati didn't just start. What are you talking about? So, no. So this first month of January, I'm going to see the second city at the bowler theater and then february 1st i'm going to cheyenne to see shen yun uh acrobatic human trafficking organization oh yeah i've heard that that's popular and then in march i'm going to see

the globetrotters and then in apr, I am going to the Banksy exhibit in Denver. So I'm just like really getting in all the, you know, multi different cultures, different points of view. I just I want everyone to know how great I am. You know, it's cool, as you can see Shen Yun. And then like six months later, you can see those same performers in the bodies exhibit. It is i mean that's culture and that is circular and that is cyclical and time is a flat circle so patrick surrounds a fat circle uh yeah i wonder how many of these uh these fun cultural outings that you're going to attend are going to be canceled none dude we're all over

this shit i mean you made fun of me for having eight people over to my house who all tested negative no attending tonight in a fucking mining town all right i didn't care that you were having a party any any feelings of judgment were actually from your own subconscious no i just said i don't ever feel a party i never feel that i said you're having a party and you're like yeah don't make me feel bad everybody got tested everybody has to show me their tongue on before they're allowed in yeah i mean that doesn't tell you anything tongue shape or color is not going to give you a glimpse into their COVID test status. It's more accurate than skull shape. And I still abide by those rules.

Becker still got his cell phone on the back of his flat ass head. What's he going to do? I could see him with a, you know, what he could do is still have the curls coming out of like a flat cap. Yeah. I mean still have the curls coming out of like a flat cap yeah i mean he has flat caps he's a flat cap guy i stole one of his flat caps to be bill cosby at stick or treat last okay yeah gotcha yeah he uh i could see that working not super curly long hair you know you don't want to look like fucking gallagher or whatever but yeah you could have little little curls poking out well i think he

left his phone on the back of his head so that way while his niece is pegging him she can watch something she can watch peppa the pig yeah yeah she can watch uh coco malo that's it's peppa pig her last name is pig not peppa the pig i'm showing my ass you don't know shit about kids television uh i'm gonna take you in the front yard and hose you off give you a military bath i took a shower when i got home were you ever involved in any of those front yard hose offs at mouth house i got yeah we did one and i think oh it's when we we filmed it for something it's like probably for that chris gather from that fucking that reality show they wanted to film about our house yeah it was yeah for a project i'm totally fucked up and didn't cash in on oh nice yeah because he was like too

blasted on eight sheets of acid a day oh man yeah i don't know if i ever saw a trailer or whatever with that but yeah we've seen a horse trailer because that's where you should live that's how they transport you up and down the highways so i get to come carry no dude so we used to hose off all the time in the front yard because like when we lived at the alameda house a girl was over and our shower was broken. And she was like, Oh God, you guys all stink. Like this sucks. Well, how do you guys live this way? And we were like, Oh no, we, uh, we shower in our own way, like trying to get over on her. So we all went in the front yard and hosed each other off and like, you know, scrub down, had a lot of fun. And she was like, this is disgusting. And we were like, actually, it's pretty fun. So then for like the next like three months, we didn't care about

the shower and just would like once a week go out in front of the yard and hose each other down. And it became a thing. So then at the next house we lived at the ministry, we would hose each other off even when our shower worked. And then I remember at mouth house, it really caught on because there was chicks living there. So we'd be like'd be like hey hose off party and we'd go out in the front yard and hose each other off and that was a big part of my like early 20s was hosing down my friends in full public view of the neighborhood yeah i remember you said you you were scrubbing yourselves not with bars of soap of course but with boxes of cigarettes and pizza slices yeah so it was uh sponges soaked in liquid lsd kooky kooky and quirky yeah you guys are a bunch of quirky romanos we ate so much acid

in that fucking house and would be like you guys want some cookies real quirky romano situation what about quirky ray romano uh yeah i like it yeah oh you guys want some cookies your ray romano is so bad have some cookies come on have some cookies who wants a cookie it's headwood i'm a i lost it i'm a girl scout you never had it shut up you've been trying to perfect yours for years i try once and you're like you suck dude i have a thing and you want to copy it big surprise that's some real 2021 energy how about when i had a killer sylvester stallone and you couldn't handle it how about that what are you

talking about no you were so blind with rage you're so jealous what we did demolition man together i think for mile high sci-fi and i was like hey my my sly stallone is pretty good and you're like i'll be the judge dread of that and then you fucking like dominated the whole the whole night with your awful take on rocky bell bowie you just couldn't stop doing a bad impression of him to prevent me from shining i remember that there was a talent scout there and you ruined everything for you and it's not like he was like oh yeah who's this guy you know you blew it for yourself and prevented me from uh you know maybe being the next slice yeah they were there looking for new slice alone well what it was was they were casting rocky eight they wanted to do an animated series and sly was booked up for like half of it

so they needed like you know just like an understudy or a second you know uh voice of sly to fill in the gaps and to flesh out a full season of this animated show. It was going to be, well, F is for Family was coming out, and then it was going to be S is for Sylvester. And they didn't fucking do

it because you got in the way. Human roadblock. I didn't mean to cut you off from your only opportunity to be sliced alone. They were going to shave me down to five, six. I was going to get ripped, even though it was voice acting. They wanted me to look like them. They were going to punch me in the face a bunch to bust my nose up.

Yeah, it was going to be sick. I'm sorry dude i you know i'm glad you read finally over it but that was a wedge in our friendship for a long time i'm still bringing it up it's like you when i said that you reeked you know it's always somewhere it's not oh it's not front and center it's not like every time you see me you think of that but it's somewhere in your brain and sometimes it comes out and says hello usually when you're wasted trying to smoke a cigarette inside that's okay no big deal everyone does it you it's like when you tried to steal my jake the snake because you were jealous that i was better at wrestling voices than you no i loved that you are you kidding me i love the snake god

damn it daddy done diddled me up and down this fucking country daddy wore me like a hat daddy wore me like jake becker's cell phone on the back of his head he says get on get on jake boy oh shit oh i just remembered uh memory alert memory alert this out well i was i thought something dumb happened yesterday and it did i'm at the bar this woman comes up she's a grown she's an adult woman she's at least 41 does she have them doesn't have them she's pretty thin she's small she's pretty you know nice looking enough lady but what i'm saying is she wasn't 20 and a half with a with you know her sorority sister's fake uh or id she was a grown person and she comes up to me and she says with her mouth i'd like a coors light and a virgin long island iced tea what do you think about that i don't understand how you make a virgin long island iced tea because

isn't it all liquor it's eight different kinds of liquor the whole fucking thing about a long island iced tea is that it's a lot of different liquor it gets you blasted real quick and you only drink it if you're like 20 and a half right with a decent fake or you're you'd refuse to grow up you were like you know you had some trauma in your life at 18 you stunted yeah you were never able to like pick one uh adult cocktail or liquor and stick to it no or to be fair it's five dollars and you're trying to get wrecked before you go back to work that's right yeah if you're at a happy hour like remember those bionic beavers at the squire and we would just fucking pound those right yeah it's great but yeah and and a long island ridiculous to order as is but even further from reality and sanity

is a virgin and it was so i said what the hell would that look what the hell would that be and she goes i don't know she like she's just lost just a drift in you know the waters of life and she fucking and i i said to her i was like that would be a whole bunch of sweet and sour mix and then some coke like that's you don't want the what are you talking about yeah it sounds terrible your teeth teeth are going to turn to liquid. She might have been a Mormon that escaped some type of forced polygamy situation. Right, a cold refugee of some kind. She was on a farm in eastern Utah. She escaped.

She numbed it east because she knew west was scary, libtard California. Right. She knew that you would be like a safe haven she knew lund was down in southern colorado and you take in all the drifters save me old sid please baby bird baby bird life lessons into my mouth she also ordered a coors light so she's not sober coors light is for uh the guy she was with and then okay god yeah he trusted her to not blow it at the at the bar by herself while he got him a booth and oh my god I was like I I don't know what to tell you but you don't want nine tenths of a glass of sweet and sour mix I got heartburn

thinking about how she would feel drinking that much sour mix you know like yeah it's like 17 ounces of fucking sour mix and then a splash of coca-cola right you have two margaritas and you're gonna feel it but at least you're getting a buzz on she wanted just the fucking heartburn and acid reflux and then a little bit of caffeine from the coke it was insane i didn't know what to tell her to make it right do you tell her no you say uh-uh well yeah i i i said something like i said earlier like what the hell would that be a bunch of sour mix and a little bit of coke like hey kurt come over here and get a load of this you don't want that yeah this daffy broad been spinning around too damn much she's dizzy i record i record her with my phone say it again you're gonna go viral dude and then you're like my vagina hurts yeah say it like jeff garland

the new curb sucked uh i thought a couple episodes were good and tracy allman was funny but yeah a couple episodes were good tracy allman i thought was pretty funny but i mean she was repugnant that was good yeah i like jb jb comes through jb jb smooth oh yeah leon yeah you call him the black guy he has a name yeah i thought i was trying to think of initials for first name j last name b well gordy's taking it gordy what holy shit we have these squish mellows that look like sugar gliders and fucking gordy just started humping one and then laid down squish mellows yeah you know what these squish mellows that look like sugar gliders and fucking gordy just started humping one and then laid down squish mellows yeah you know what a squish mellow no it's like uh or what's it called or orthrod ripied what is it called or man ortho

you are stroking out no it's like uh something is given, like an object is given, like the, you know, anthropomorphized, right? Anthropomorphic? Anthropomorphized? Anyway, it's like a fucking big fat pillow and it looks like a rodent. And we have him laying around because Emily is having a mental breakdown. And I'm just kidding kidding she's very strong but gordy was over there just like fucking riding it around it was like watching noah hump patrick just this little fucking old anti-semite riding a blob it's too bad noah can't go to your new year's eve party huh huh? Yeah, because Noah has COVID and he passed away from it. He's like the queen. His parents are telling everybody he's alive, but he's not.

Yeah, they filmed a New Year's Eve video for him back in September. They're going to put out. Yeah, they kept making him change into different shirts. Look, it's me, Noah. I'm alive. Look, I got Noah in my lap right now. We know that they're doing his voice because he's not spazzing. He's able to say a full sentence. He's like, hello, everyone. It's me, Noah Reynolds.

I am normal and having a good time. Instead of being like, Noah. He says his own name. Yeah. Noah. No, no, Reynolds, Reynolds rap. Burt Reynolds. Rinaldo,do soccer player i'm playing soccer look at me happy new year that's noah that's pretty solid this fucking puts the gun into his mouth

takes it out of his brother's ass his hot twin brother he was in yeah what the hell it's like if you and kim were twins his brother got all of the good genes and cells and then noah got the rest yeah noah got the fucking floor scrapings noah's the palm all of genetics they swept him up off the ground and gave him to fucking ptsd soldiers at the halfway house that's noah it's recessive gene wilder hey nice that's a good one from lun i'm waking up in the last two minutes of the pod yeah dude we gotta you gotta fucking wake up before the pod dude shut up no because the first fucking hour of this is me being like more spaghetti let me throw it at the wall and then you're like what and now now you're making me look bad because

people only remember the end no it's been good pretty much the whole time i was a little uh i was a little tired in the first like four minutes and he called it out and i was like uh-oh time to sweet georgia brown that ass and then i did a real good job while you struggled to keep up no i just i haven't been as good since the game came on i have so much money on this game yeah do you bet like pat where it's like 349 what the fuck is that yeah 349 on cincinnati money line why does he do that patrick because he doesn't have any money he's a fucking jobless loser well and i thought it was going to be like i thought it was going to be that the bet was a random amount so that the winnings were an even number but it's not even that it's just another

random he bet 343 to win 2479. Right. Yeah. I went to dinner with Patrick and all of his friends this week. Oh, yeah. Where'd you go? I went to Caperta and we had like three bottles of wine. I ordered.

I did the move where I ordered everyone's meals and I really nailed it. Really came alive at this dinner. Based on what? Looking at them. Yeah. I was like, all right. So, Cobos, you're Mexican. Can he get a quesadilla?

Can you get a flower? Don't make that. You're an Italian place. All right. He'll have. Give me a treat. No chorizo. Okay.

Cobos, why don't you go wait outside while we eat? Cobos was there. His friend Jack was there. His friend Jack's girlfriend, Anna, Pat, and then some guy named Noel, who just got back from Dubai and definitely had COVID. And no, I ordered like an appetizer. I ordered like six appetizers for the table. And then I was like, let's get four different pastas. And then I ordered lamb neck and a bunch of bottles of wine. And i could tell that they were scared that i was going to make them pitch

on the meal because it was like really expensive and i was like don't worry guys i got this you guys get the tip and they were like whoa sam t's the coolest and then jack did like a weird like wave dance it was pretty sick yeah no started spinning dubai house yeah exactly he's like here's some jungle from down under by the way what happened to jungle music when i was a boy that was the only techno i liked and now no one does jungle what's going on here huh i'm glad you had a nice dinner i'm glad you power moved a bunch of young people that were wearing you know cut off jean shorts and black hoodies yeah exactly it was like antifa featuring me sam t i had a neckerchief on it was great sam tifa sam tifa queen latifa that's my favorite queen sam tifa um no but what else

happened oh yeah so we're there and at the end of the night they bring up the bill and there's nowhere to tip on it and i'm like well this is weird and then i see that they have a 23 service charge oh shit it's the fucking spa all over again exactly 23 service charge your your whole game plan is getting fucking fucked up i'm getting rooks left and right i fucking hate it and i told the lady i was like so how much of this service charge do you get and she was like well you know we split it between the the chefs and the dishwasher and the cooks and the the hostess and i was like so what are you walking with like half of this and she's like well we can't really discuss that kind of stuff and i was like do you want me to give you more money and she's like well i would never say no to more

gratuity so i end up tipping like fucking 35 on this goddamn bill which was already like 400 so i go from having this nice meal where everyone thinks i'm the most cultured man in all of denver uh you know they're like we're gonna name our kid after you and then i just fucking leave pissed because i had to break off an even bigger wad for this trollop wait but why didn't they fill the gap why did you take it upon yourself to add on to what you're already paying because there wasn't anywhere to write down an additional tip so i had to break her off 60 bucks cash they all had their venmo on their phones open and then she was like i have paypal and they were like never mind yeah she's like do you have cash app i'm canadian we were like get out she was like do you guys have any food allergies and i was like well this guy over

here eats way too much food i don't know if that's an allergy according to patrick on his birthday i was like yeah he his allergy is that he eats too much he's allergic to not eating a little bit he's allergic to air so he spends most of his time filling his body with food so he's a filter feeder his mouth is just open at the table god that is your move to just blast somebody to the server you've done that to me many you did it at hoppa god i do it all the time all i did was ask if she was sean because our hostess said that our server's name was sean and you acted like i quoted mine comp for some shit to her you're like what why would her name be sean why would you even say that ah this guy's got a head wound for sure. This guy's got dementia.

Just wouldn't shut the fuck up. She's like, just waiting for you to get done. Blasting me. It's like Sean's a boy's name. She's a girl. This guy has no girls or boys. Sorry. He's got dementia.

He's really old. And she's like, do you guys want any water? And I was like, yeah, get him some water he's got water on the brain he's a fucking waterhead right is your name sean i didn't let you answer i'm sorry oh you're sean oh great you met my mother hello not smoking section please these i'm still on fire yeah i do i love blasting people at the dinner because the issue is is that everyone else laughs and then they're left alone and they feel like they've been ostracized by the group i like that and then i get to reel him back in they're like he cast me out and he brought me back into the fold he is the shepherd uh yep yep yep you are they are

just your flock and you direct them where to go until it's time for the slaughter yeah i'm raven you're sick boy you're you're man hammer i'm raven you're reese i'm not reese dude just a giant pile they didn't know what to do with them so they wrapped a flannel around his waist they're like you're with raven yeah and then his finisher was just the diamond cutter was it yeah he just hit people with like an rko in the game it was i don't even know that he did it in real life they just gave it to him in the game that was the best video game on n64 yeah god damn i love those games thq take me back very fun yeah what uh you gotta plug sketch fast or what nice yeah i mean technically you can still buy tickets to see me at the san francisco punchline january 21st would i recommend it no

no i wouldn't but that's all classified information don't do it when are they gonna fucking announce man every one of these fucking like when you watch a college bowl game they give each team the university of that team a commercial or two and every one of them fucking like when you watch a college bowl game they give each team the university of that team a commercial or two and every one of them it's like you'll be watching like East Tennessee State versus like Samford and it'll be like Samford where

truth meets justice we're the number one school according to every magazine we invented the spaceship every class we have is multicultural we have an award winning culinary program like no college is bad in these commercials it's insane yeah there's a formula well yeah they're a fucking grift dude it's insane how many schools there are how expensive they get to be just because better schools are more you know

also expensive they're like oh yeah we get a cut there's no room to tip because you're just you know getting all kinds of book gratuities added on or whatever yeah like i'm watching one right here it's like university of cincinnati the birthplace of hip-hop we invented sponge cake come on down wilford brimley went here yeah you see bear down cats it just sucks i always get pissed yeah well anyway come see me an old lump truck january 7th at the but but but you're bugging out theater i don't know which is more exciting me taking a shit at the end of a podcast or you riffing on commercials that you're watching during a football game what do they want from us we went over an hour this is all bonus content oh fuck yeah um thanks for listening it's been over a year it's gonna we're gonna start 2022

the right way which is giving you guys great content yeah lun's gonna wake up more than 10 minutes before we record the pods this night it's gonna be great that was a blip i was i was on fire you're in bed seconds after that you're still in bed i had to be in bed still. Ten seconds after that. You're still in bed. I had to be in bed because Megan had to do stuff before she went to work. So I was being a good husband. Meanwhile, you're gaslighting your wife, saying she reeks when it's you. Yeah, fuck. I got to let Emily out of the basement.

You're inviting Patrick into your home where your wife sleeps. So that's not a great move. Guess what? Emmy's working overnights this week. The cat's away and the mouse will be gay when's she gonna be home she's gonna come home at like three in the morning and you guys are gonna be freestyle rapping in the backyard no she comes home at 10 a.m she goes to work at noon comes home at 10 she works really hard so she's not to make less money than i do and she hates it she does yesterday she called me and she's like hey i heard there's covid tests

at the walgreens on harmony we go pick them up and i was like i don't want anyone playing my drums and she was like oh i don't want to interrupt you playing your drums why don't you go buy these covid tests they're impossible to find and i was like i don't want to and she's like fine i'm gonna call your dad and i was like no no don't bother duddy he's's grieving. Yeah, that boy Duddy upstairs. Don't bother him. So I had to go fucking buy the COVID test. He was scatting over your drumming. He was like,

I'm the Dud man. Come see me in Lund. Host 51st Jokes at the Bug Theater January 7th. And then January 8th i'll be in greeley for rudy garcia joint check that out uh what is it the 15th 14th is lucha libre and laugh 14th we're doing lucha libre and laughs at the oriental theater come out luns are going to be doing the eyes and the voice

um it'll be fun come check that out buy your tickets and just remember that we're all in this together anyway that's it thank you sam t nation