Chubby Behemoth - Volcano Guy

Episode Date: October 11, 2022

Huge Oversight. Cream Cheese Replica. Your Hole Thing.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Our Sponsor This Week: https://www.qpsauce.com Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

I got bad news, Lund. What? I'm crazy. Oh, no. I'm going to miss this one. I'm crazy. Watch out. I've lost it.

I'm fucking crazy. All right. You boys have fun. Becker, get out of here. You don't want to catch what I got. You have fun on your day date. Becker's going on a day date. More like a gay date with a girl.

D-date. I'm not crazy about that, but I am crazy. Did you just get home? Yes. All right. Home from the loony bin. I'm surprised they let you out me too it's a massive oversight it's a huge failure of the system i literally told them i'm crazy

over and over again i told them them that. They said, here's your stuff. I said, for real? You're letting me out? That's crazy. Here's your shoelaces. Put them on your shoes. No fucking way. I'm free.

Even after what I did. You're letting me out of here. Underfunded. Oh. Don't let me out. I'm warning you. I'm crazy. Don't kill. Don't let me out. I'm warning you. I'm crazy. Don't kill.

Don't kill Patrick. I am Patrick. Oh, God. We're all Patrick. You're wearing his face. Patrick is me. How is it so far? I guess you've been gone, so it doesn't even count i'm gone

yeah i haven't been around i wanted to do i'm crazy guy you did you did and you can go back to it but that's literally all i had for that guy was he just keeps saying he's crazy i can't believe I'm out. I didn't even have that part of it. He's crazy, but sane enough to know he shouldn't be out. Yeah. This doesn't make sense. Holy shit.

Maybe I'm not crazy. They let me out uh so you're coming in hot sweaty oh yeah how was the plane ride oh man what a long one dude yeah i left at 9 40 last night after day drinking all day like hard like trying to set a record i think me and alex just how me and alex just alex had 12 drinks before two from like noon to two we were just cramming and we were ordering greyhounds and bloody marys at the same time gross it was fun we were like we're crazy Only crazy people drink like this. We're codependent and crazy. I'm off my rocker and off my meds.

We walked in and they were like, hey, good morning. How many? And we said, two. Two crazy guys. Crazy or non-crazy? Crazy. Fair warning, ma'am. We're we're crazy also i have a peanut allergy i'm not crazy about that i can't have bad tie is there bad tie over there my life sucks

i hate it i wish i was dead but then i couldn't be crazy. I want Hawaiian Pad Thai. I'm crazy about Pad Thai. Just found out about it. Yeah. They don't have this in the loony bin. Remember when people did that?

They did the little thing well did they I don't know that people did it I think it was in cartoons enough people were doing it that I know about it when the bombs got dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki

yeah Mr. McVeigh do you have anything to say for yourself before sentencing that's all u.s government we have footage from within the plane on the hijackers fateful day on september 11th let's uh play the footage. Inshallah. Inshallah. I'm crazy. Tell Osama we're crazy. That'd be great.

If Osama, they get Osama, it's like, he's just like, yeah, those guys were crazy. That's Osama bin Ladenen reacting like no way that's fucking nuts dude prove to me that you will be able to carry out this important mission i'm sold you're crazy oh so you're saying you're crazy you're you're in oh man see a long ass flight what is

the deal with alex just alex being billed as alex just is he furious about this is it just how it goes when you try to have just your first name and it just somehow gets more and more complicated as time goes on it's his idea to be alex just he decided to be alex just okay yeah and i mean just does sound like a human's last name like that's not insane to be just well why couldn't he why couldn't he be alex on stage yeah um well i think he did do that and people said you're crazy what's this this next comment must be crazy doesn't have a last name doesn't have a tether to reality this white guy has one name that's crazy no family tree for this loner he just came out of the mountains it's alex i just don't understand

like i know for a long time now he's been alex just alex and it's like did he like the way that he signs up for an open mic what should i put down alex just a last name just alex wait a minute write that down yeah what does he think? He's fucking James Bond? Alex. Just Alex. Let me get a Greyhound and a Bloody Mary, both stirred.

Stir them together, actually. Put them in one big cup. I want a Bloody Greyhound, please. Let me get one crazy straw, one sane straw. I'll drink the Greyhound through the crazy. Sir, we can do that for you, but you have to confirm our suspicions. Are you in fact crazy?

I'm crazy! I'm a lunatic! I fear the sun and I love the moon! So you got blasted. you didn't fly next to some poor tiny person and crush them did you no no no just a normal lady and i got in there and uh pop a sleeping pill and i was out yeah on top of uh oh did you do the backpack on the tray thing no no because I was in like...

That didn't work. That is a good trick, though. To our listeners out there, if you pull down that old tray and you put your backpack on there or your smelly old Page 7 T-shirt, your hoodie is good. You ball up the hoodie and lay on it.

That's just good, clean living, guys. Was that Patrick that said that? Doink! No, that was some other big fat guy i think it was p rich are you watching this cowboys game they just no i i turned the tv off so i could concentrate oh that's nice of you cool i didn't want to return a replay of last week where you were doing four voices and half of them were watching tv riffing on the commercials or on the football people loved it man that was a big one i don't know if they did they did except for russell now people like oh yeah he said that voice

yeah he lamented and guess what russell i'll never do pike's punk's comedy show now oh no yeah he's building something down there yeah i'm building an altar i'm building a fucking all i'm building a a replica of my wife out of cream cheese because i'm crazy i put a wig i put a mop head on top of a big pile of cream cheese and i say emmy it's our anniversary spread them emmy spread them i'll be the bagel oh so uh i got emmy returned from her trip and uh provided medical analysis on my blood results and my nut ultrasound and guess what i'm gonna mostly case so i'm not going anywhere really i'm gonna live till 77 you're okay uh yeah my cholesterol is a little high and that's it everything else everything else uh cool to tits well what about being a wad

didn't she diagnose you as a total pant load negative that that test result was negative really yeah you didn't come back positive for waditis no no inflammation in my wads that's weird yeah yeah i'm not a doctor but I thought I could have fucking diagnosed you with that. Yeah. Particular wads and heavy hangers. Heavy predilection towards full blown wad. Yeah. But, you know, stranger things have happened.

A woman has given birth at 60, I think. People come out attached at the head. The body is crazy. Just like you. I am. Just like your mind. My body is crazy. Just like this one character.

Fuck. Well, that's crazy. I got muscle. I got a little fat. I have some good fat. You don't have a little fat buddy i guess i gotta a lot of you i gotta eat some uh uh honey nut cheerios i think that'll do the trick bring down the cholesterol i call them my heart pills that's right

that was your that was your closer that was my bit forever well i'm glad to hear that yeah yeah it's for sure i also she's not lying who knows she could have made it up and i'll be dead in a week that would be a cool move if doctors could be like hey look what am i gonna do ruin the next 72 hours of his time look this fat fuck's a lost cause so let's just look he's dead any day now he's been living the slowest form of suicide he's already gone every night is a roll of the dice whether he whether he sees morning so let's just tell him he's good it's not gonna hurt anyone no one loves this guy maybe he lasts maybe he lasts 10 days instead of six because we lie to him isn't that isn't that what it's all about well no i mean because he's probably gonna go celebrate with 25 del tacos so yeah

that's gonna cut his life expectancy in half down to four days. That's right. Well, when you're crazy, every day is just a game of craps. I'm crazy. I got a job at Arby's for the discount. I'm going to climb the corporate ladder. He's crazy to be motivated in business that's what that was a common marketing tool for like what car car lots uh uh selling furniture you're crazy yeah i'm a fucking psycho all this stuff is free for the

next 10 minutes come down here i don't give a fuck i'm a danger to myself and others come by a mattress she's gone so nobody can tell me what to price these things anymore come buy a dinette set or i'm gonna kill this dog i have nothing that's the commercial i have nothing come take everything come take the rest because i got nothing left again i'm crazy carl if you can haul it it's yours because they're gonna haul me away for what i did unless they never find out my god why am i doing a commercial about it i've said too much come down here i won't say anything good god i've done it again shit they're right i am crazy

it was a gag until this weekend. I'm fully blown. Come through. Come through, speakers. Come through before it's too late. Before it's a crime scene down here. Oh, man. Oh, Stafford. That's... Hey, let me run this by you.

I've been pondering this a lot all right because i was in waikiki uh thank you to uh the 30 people who came out for all three shows combined i appreciate all of you dude it was great it was that was it was crazy this is crazy why wouldn't people in hawaii come to a comedy show why wouldn't they come pay 35 to watch me in a barbecue restaurant called the comedy pit what a great name you're on top of hot coals yeah i'm on you have to walk on sand with your shoes off to get there oh man it was yeah i think the first show there were eight people and everyone was like oh we're so sorry don't worry the rest of these will be better and i was like well either they

will be better and that'll be cool or if there's less people tomorrow that'll be hilarious like that'll be absurd there'll be less people than eight and then the next day we had six people in there and everyone was stressed and i was like this is hilarious and they're like you're not worried about this and i was like no i'm on vacation this is 45 minutes out of my day and the guy who runs it was like or an hour if you're having fun up there work for six people or an hour if you're fucking crazy you came in here and claimed to be crazy that's all i really know about you sam so you could do two yeah two hours for these six people. You're so crazy.

Yeah, the guy who ran it, God bless him, he used to do stand-up in Texas, I guess, and he got this opportunity to... His boss was like, how are we going to get people in here? And his idea, instead of having a barbecue restaurant on waikiki where tourists can just come in and eat barbecue at all hours of the day was to set up a 35 plus two drink minimum comedy show so it works on the mainland kind of yeah but 35 bucks is insane i like i felt so i was wearing pants on stage. Because of the ticket price?

Yeah, I was like, these people deserve a show. They spend so much money. I better put on pants and look like a pro. $35 is nothing when you factor in all the other shit that it takes to go vacation in Hawaii. Well, I know that. But also, you're in Hawaii. None of you should be here. You should all be out watching the sunset or having

mai tais or riding bicycles on the beach like this is you guys are all fucking morons for being here crazy you're crazy you guys are the ones who are crazy i'm the only one who's sane i came here to work i'm the only sane man left but i mean dude like if it's six people by the end of the show i knew all of their names where they worked where they were from yeah you rung them out their signs yeah okay you know i tried to everyone was a newlywed so i was like hey is it too early to wipe swap bring it up way too many times yeah so you guys you guys thought about what i brought up earlier earlier hey 30 seconds ago my my wife was gonna be here but she's not and uh believe me i'd

be swapping her around if that were the situation you guys could all have her don't be rude let me play who wants me to be their fifth don't be stingy there's two couples and then you who wants who wants an extra guy yeah well there was one couple that was like churchy and they were newlyweds so i'm pretty sure they lost their virginity like before the show to each other and i kept i didn't keep but i was like whoa you guys like lost your virginity to each other and they were like yeah and i was like man that's fucking great what if i got in there now what if i what if i was both of your second? Yeah. You guys have been together since high school, and you just finally lost your beautiful gift to each other.

Let me get in there. How old do you think they were? I think like 25, 26. Just like eight years of not banging. Yeah. Or soaking. Maybe I asked if they soaked. They didn't know what that meant.

Oh, they were virgins. If they didn't even know about soaking. I used every dirty trick there was. Any silver foxes out there? No, thank God. That would have been too much. Would have had too much power.

Did you talk about how tired you were? That worked in Milwaukee. So tired. He's growling at him i'm tired no i went up i went up there every time i was like god this is so much pressure on you guys oh my god if you guys don't laugh at what i say that's gonna be terrible you ever think about that i mean alex just alex god bless him he bombed his little fucking ass off he went up there and tried

to do like 20 minutes of material in front of six people and they're like what why did we pay this much crap oh crap what are we gonna do we fucking blew it trip ruined we fucking blew it again we keep blowing fuck you trabago ah god damn it ah we gorked our pants what about what about uh what about that little kid did you get any more uh from that kid that you talked about on your instagram story at the lua or at the oh no i mean there it's the it's like the sheridan or whatever has a hawaiian cultural center set up in it where there's like trees and every night at 6 p.m they bring out this they you know they cart out this hawaiian band you know and they play somewhere over the rainbow and hala kamiki maka you know all the hits but yeah at one point there

was just this little boy running around and his kids were like or his parents were like sit down sit down and he said very loudly this sucks like super loud this sucks. Like super loud. I was like 30 feet away from him watching from the back. There's like an old man with the ukulele and you know, women are doing traditional dances, harmonizing.

And this little boy, this sucks. No one one laughed but me yeah you're just dying oh yeah everyone's trying everyone already feels bad because like we know what we did to these beautiful island people like we totally colonized and perpetrated on these people and now we're like assembled watching what feels kind of like a minstrel show. Like it feels kind of bad, you know?

I mean, they're just people getting a paycheck. They're performers. I get it. And then just a little white boy who's been spazzing. Cause he had too much pure sugar cane juice. His parents like be polite, Todd.

We're here to learn something. This is a beautiful thing. We're experiencing. This sucks. we're here to learn something this is a beautiful thing we're experiencing this sucks it's pretty it's pretty great of course it was great i was hoping and then me laughing and trying to film him in the back hey kid hey kid come check out my comedy show later hey kid you're featuring tell me what you think this sucks so that was fun uh the dj at the comedy shows this guy named billy shout out billy he was the most coked up i've ever seen a man be god bless him he's just like sweating through his shirts it's just like it looked like he came like he it rained over him before he came in

but i was doing the hit it gag you know hit it you know and then he would play a song but after the first show the second show he shows up and he just starts hitting it whenever he wants of course of course i know god damn it yeah so like i i like asked the guy what he was drinking and he was like tequila and i was like oh tequila and then billy cuts me off by playing tequila. So yeah, I had to contend with Billy as well. Did you tell him to knock it off? I mean, no, because I was so glad to have that 15 second snippet fill some of my time. Right.

I mean, Alex was filming me. I did 45.03 on the first show and I did 45 42 on the second show i mean i was right on time and he was there the whole set billy yeah oh yeah billy was up there he was doing like the fake record scratch like i would say something and he'd be like you know like the what is it when you walk into a party and the music stops like that yeah he's got that yeah he i think last night he played 12 songs without me asking him for any of them he did caught night joe he did this this that was that little he has that little boy as a drop yeah yeah if we had the boy that would be great but uh yeah i don't know dude

the shows were and then they did the fucking thing where like no one no one wants to come to the shows because they're so expensive so this guy todd who's just clearly losing his ass on this whole thing like i know how much money i was being paid i know how much the hotel was there they lost thousands of dollars on this whole thing he's just sitting in the back gently rocking todd was like trying to calm himself during my set and he was just gently like stimming trying yes this is fine this is all fine that's what it's all about part of the god's plan yeah god didn't bring me out here to fail todd rhymes with god nice i'm in i'm not crazy god's crazy my name is todd kevin god's heaven it's too close i'm the chosen one his name was todd kevin dude nice um but the last night he did the classic move of well there's 12 people in the room but there's a whole bar is full of

people behind a curtain so he just started bringing people in he'd be like no no come eat in this room so people who didn't want to be at a comedy show were brought into you in a room where they have to be quiet. Do you want them in there? Probably not. It's even worse. Yeah, it's worse to have people. It's worse to have 12 people is great. You can goof around with 12.

But you have another like 15 in the back who don't want to be there and are pissed. They have to whisper now. Yeah. It's just everything about these shows sucked except for me oh this was fun though there was the door they locked the bathroom door because the bathroom was right by the stage so no one could go to the bathroom during the show was there another one out outside of the room no there was one bathroom you have to go in the go in the water yeah so people had to leave but people would come in from the bar trying to find the bathroom and they wouldn't know that the door was locked because they weren't in the show

so guys would walk up to the stage and i'd be like hey this guy you got to go to the bathroom huh yeah you got to go to the bathroom right right here right this way man get on in there and they'd walk up and not be able to open it i'd be like ah you stupid idiot you can to go to the bathroom right here, right this way, man. Get on in there. And they'd walk up and not be able to open it. And I'd be like, ah, you stupid idiot. You can't go to the bathroom. That was some of the highlights was me. Guys must have hated that. Everyone hated it.

What a come on. Yeah, that's not better. Like, no, it would be better if they were able to use it because if they're gonna walk up yeah what a nightmare oh it was the worst in the pit dude the comedy pit oh and if you sat along the wall in this room that barely they'd said it fits 50 it barely fit 30 they're like if you sit along the wall you can't see the stage so we're gonna keep everyone away from the wall but then billy started setting up on the other side of the room so people had to sit along the wall so there's just like three people in the room who can't see me it was just it was it was crazy it

was crazy how bad it was it drove me crazy yeah that was the cause yeah of the mental break but hey think about this let's say you're a 12-year-old boy, all right, and your parents bring you out to Waikiki. It's your big vacation. You're just walking along Waikiki. Think about how fucking hard these boys are. Because there's every color of butt and tit, every shape and hue of woman is out there there's there's big ass asians and there's big titty whites there's just every scoop of ice cream

and baskin robbins is available for you these kids just me they must be going through fucking towels left and right we have to change rooms this one has a bunch of cum in it uh mom i forgot my switch again i got run up to the room for the fifth time today you keep forgetting stuff yeah how many times you're gonna forget your fucking switch huh all right yeah get up there we can't get any more towels we cannot get any more towels these like go in the ocean and jerk off probably just standing there a little extra salt yeah the kids were horny and i tried talking about that and it's hard it's hard to uh talk about how hard you i just all i can think about is how hard these kids are and people good god this guy is crazy

i'm glad he warned us about how crazy he is how many how many boys do you have miss got four boys nine through 17 all right well they're all rock hard just looking at each other saying i'm in the bathroom next i'll kill you yeah they're not they're not gonna like that yeah no they did not they did not like that premise believe it or not i'm on i'm on i'm on the hard boy patrol folks i just walk around on the beach all day thinking these boys are hard doing what you did at the football game all right fellas settle down everybody chill out they're like what like oh i think you know what i'm talking about better pump those brakes pal just going up to 12 year old boys and being like take it easy

how many how many like you've been here before how many pairs of swim trunks are you rocking right now little kid what i think you're smelling what i'm sniffing walking down the beach and everybody's just pointing at you and being like we gotta keep an eye on this guy he's gone to every group of young boys with his sunglasses on he keeps lowering his sunglasses and winking and trying to elbow them but they're But he's so tall, he's elbowing them in the head. Yeah, he just keeps elbowing them and nudging them and going, all right.

Chill out. He's sneezing when he winks. Yeah. I mean, I was out there with my mirrored sunglasses on just having a nice time. Wrecking yourself? No, I mean, I did treat myself nightly. I did. I ordered in room service

if you know what I mean. Yep. Damn. Oh yeah. Five nights at Freddy's. The catch of the day. Uh-huh. That's right.

Oh, man. Yeah, it was fun. It was a great time. Any nude beaches where you're able to hang dong? No, no. But a lady at the last show, she came in and she like, you know, I went into my closing thing about my mom and i was like i would suck every dick in this room she yells out would you suck a pussy and i was like good god ma'am of all the times to try and interject right now when i'm trying to close the show with this bit

about my mother so i got off stage and she was like i'm so sorry she trained to boost on me next up my pussy yeah i am sorry oh god look i thought you were kind of struggling up there i wanted to cut the tension look there's 12 of us i give a shit you were talking about how kids were hard for about 12 minutes. You know, I thought I'd throw you a bone. So, yeah, but she has a huge, like, crazy. You know, she had huge, massive, natural breasts. And her husband's like, hey, man, you were great, man. Sorry about her. You know, we call her boobs, if you couldn't tell.

And she was like, yeah, you want to see him? And she starts to pull down her shirt, and he's like, whoa, i was like oh yeah no way lady i don't want to see those all right so i'm out of here i just went up to my room spanked my little turd damn what he he put the kibosh on the dumping yeah he prohibited the dumping this is a no dump zone what the hell dude yeah he hit me with the old abandoned parking lot sign no dumping and i would have i would have very much enjoyed seeing her dump yeah that would have saved the weekend. I saw. These were the cool things I saw.

I mean, that's the thing. It's like the shows, they could have literally spit in my mouth and threw lit matches at me. And it's one hour out of the 23 hours I get in Honolulu. So it was sick. You know, I was walking around reading. I was in the water all the time, but I did see a lady get thwacked by some waves and she came up and her tits were out.

So that was cool. yeah, she was probably like 15. So that was sick. I'm crazy for this one. I'm crazy. Yeah. I see him and I'm like, Oh no, I'm crazy. I see him and I'm like, oh no!

I'm crazy! She was not 15. She was an adult. If she was 15, I would have had to find some boys and been like... That's what it's all about, fella. Follow my lead, guys. That's why you practice like you play. You act like you're

holding them back from early. Easy, boys. Now it's not the time to attack. Her. Her. I know. I know what you're thinking, guys. So, yeah, this woman dumped her thwompers.

That was cool. And she got up and was laughing. You know, she wasn't embarrassed. It didn't seem like a sex crime. But then I saw a Japanese woman get fucking bashed against a retaining wall. And she was like fucked up. And she tried to stand up and she got bashed again. And then her back was bleeding and she couldn't move.

So this Japanese guy is like standing there with his with his like, I assume wife. And he's trying to pick her up but he can't because the waves keep smacking him and she just keeps getting like fucking put in the dishwasher while this is happening me and this australian woman are watching and we're like oh god no not again oh boy should we do something and she's like oh i think we should so we went over there and i walk up and i give him two thumbs up or i go two thumbs down and he gives two major thumbs down so then i have to carry his beach bag this sucks yeah how are you guys doing over here having a good time no this

sucks they didn't speak any english yeah they were english free so that's why i had to communicate with hand signals um thumb work yeah thumb work that's my best work and then we fucking dragged him out of there and then uh me and the australian woman as soon as they were like just out of the water she's still bleeding and crying and he's like you know i don't want to do the voice but he was very upset so as soon as we just get him off the beach we just kind of look at each other and we're like all right see you later and uh we're back in the water to splash around yeah uh what are you so you're talking retaining wall like a cliff that they were or what there's like a boardwalk along waikiki and the waves get so crazy that people will just be like walking in front of the boardwalk and there's like a

concrete wall behind them and the waves come up and smash them and these two i don't know if they were trying if they were splashing around on purpose or if they were just walking in front of the wall but this fucking home wrecker just came up and crashed down upon them and uh yeah they were she was destroyed she was ruined jeez i know all right well good job i guess you were able to help no no we should have helped much quicker we watched for like three to five minutes and she was just getting wrecked and going like, oh, oh, and you can clearly see her bleeding. Her back was bleeding. Her hip was probably broken.

Me and the Australian are just like, oh, oof, and then she's up there. Oh, oh, it was not good. it was it was not good she's saying this sucks in japanese yeah this sucks uh well i had a tough time also because I offstage was doing a voice. Whippets? No, not whippets.

Maybe that's why I went crazy. Mr. Talent, we cannot bring you more trays full of whipped cream canisters. Those are typically for dessert buffet. Those are for the banana pudding. People put them on fruit. Either I get my whippets or I'm not going on. Alex just Alex can headline. They're like, all right, we'll give you anything.

So help me God, I will shit this bed. I've done it before. Ask the Australian woman. I'll bet she heard about me the whole continent knows last time i was in the south pacific i think he shit his pants oh are you the one you're the one who shit them eh you're the guy who packed his pillowcase and threw it out in the straights is yet yes ma'am that's me i dumped i dumped ma'am i dumped harder than anyone's ever dumped oh man yeah um but i was doing i was you know how you do like hawaiian voice from time to time

just to have a fun time with your friends oh yeah like haka voice more than anything like a so i was yeah so it feels bad i know it's inappropriate i was doing it on the beach a lot just to myself yeah just walking around going trying to look insane but yeah I tried to do it on stage by saying

this is my volcano guy voice and immediately we all understood what that meant that was bad sure not a great not a thick veil. No, no, there was very little to hide behind on that one. But Volcano Guy voice was fun.

And then did you see what I sent you guys in the group chat? I can't remember. Okay, I i'm gonna send you something and i'm pretty sure that i had there was like two hours of one of the nights there where i was like worried that my brain broke forever because of this whoa david borianis yes yes dude who sent you that i made it it was your own design yes oh god yeah i was thinking and i was like emily i wish she was here what's she doing she's probably washing bones and then for some reason i remembered the name david borianis and i was like wait And then for some reason, I remember the name David Boreanaz. And I was like, wait, David Borey is my friend.

Oh, my God. David Boreanaz. I had to take a knee. I was like Kaepernick, fucking national anthem. I was like, whoa, David Boreanaz. I had to sit down and, like, make it. And then I was like, oh, he was in Bones in bones with a g you know and buffy with a g because david bory spells his name g-b-o-r-i-e to the people at home who don't know who that is and uh well yeah i would i would have appreciated bones and buffy

with a g yeah but i just got you just did one, you said the bare minimum with a G. I just sent you David Boreanaz. My work here is done. Yeah. You can imagine the, the Buffy and the, and the, what was the other one?

Bones. Yeah. I mean, I couldn't control myself, man. It was really bad. I have these moments of laughter where I'm worried that like it's all over. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It's like, well, sure. That was a good run with my brain working correctly. But turns out I'm crazy. I'm just laughing at David Boreanaz doing volcano guy voice and saying, I'm crazy. That was most of my time there. It's a good weekend. It's a great weekend, man.

I love it down there. I had a nice weekend. Yesterday was a beautiful day driving Highway 12, looking at the mostly gold aspen trees, not a lot of orange and red. That might be next weekend. But took the dogs. Are you there? Yeah, I'm right here.

Okay. You looked frozen. You were captivated. Yeah, I was lost. It was a very nice day after being pretty busy, like doing shows with you. I was up in northern colorado last weekend without you i won't until sunday so it's nice to be be here uh with my wife and my and and my dogs and uh god yeah hell of a day yesterday watched a couple of scary movies they were pretty fun what'd you watch

uh the black phone which was pretty good and uh hellraiser the new hellraiser was also pretty good the uh the the demons the spirits were uh very cool looking there's a new hellraiser yeah i think it just came out on uh peacock maybe or hulu black phone is on peacock i think hellraiser is on hulu uh both good we uh we uh what else did we do oh i've been playing this fucking stupid game on my phone so that's the opposite of enjoying what is it nature i don't want to say but it's a typical stupid uh grow corn and carrots and wheat and then are you playing harvest moon feed the cows and the chickens and then farm simulator i guess it's like make it you make a town and uh i named it harvard's moon i named it trinidad no it's just it's a game on your phone you named it trinidad yeah it's like i'm

in trinidad but i'm you named your fake town god after the real fake town you live in this is a real place you're so fucking cute dude that is adorable trinidad settle down patrick's laughing really hard too now patrick sucks patrick rules tell him to shut up patrick and my wife hang out when I'm not here, and she makes him wear my clothes. He's going to be the new plan B. He is. He's plan behemoth. B with the G is silent, so it's actually plan G. But it sounds like plan B.

Patrick actually works his plan B, because when a pregnant woman sees him she miscarries he's not laughing no patrick had a big night hanging out with erdman oh no that's what i said just erdman yeah him and erdman were out on the streets of Fort Collins. Just both blackout. Yeah. The one known as Erdman. The Erd of man. I got home at like 1.30 and little Pat was still asleep.

He didn't do any of his chores. He didn't earn his allowance. Patrick went shopping and he's like, he got some food for the house for him because we eat different and all he got was bagels and cream sheets that's not true yes it is that's a good trip to the store yeah it was a big trip just six bagels and what else did you get patrick yogurt that i ate already

he ate all the yogurt turkey that i ate already he ate all the turkey you housed a bunch of yogurt and turkey after erdmania i made wraps you're lying you didn't make wraps you make beats hey by the way listeners uh i appreciate you following my dad but please don't bully him on instagram he's an old widow you asked for it oh yeah yes you did you literally said follow my duddy well because he takes good pictures and i want him to like have you know an active life online interactions with a thousand chubby behemoth fans yeah hey i heard i heard your wife had them paco paco says get over it why didn't you let lund come out as your wife at sophie's wedding yeah just way too much yeah just a bunch of inside baseball too much of the pod at once where he's like what are you

sam what are you doing on there what are you and your friends doing on there what's lund's deal is it lund or is it sharpie which one do you you do which one's the big one and sharpie's a lawyer now and lund's a dentist what's happening yeah we all growed up we all growed up damn it um i'm getting healthy patrick's eating spinach wraps apparently patrick's eating spinach wraps and cream cheese and it's cool because we live in the content house now. So Pat just makes a bunch of content that benefits me. It's like a TikTok house, but Pat's been banned

from TikTok for bashing the Chinese. Oh, no. That's true. China's crazy. Pat's upset he's not on the pod right now. He's pouting. Tell him to do one of his nine podcasts that he does. No, he's not actually pouting.

He's being a good boy. And I paused the football game for this, so he hasn't even been watching football, and he's upset about that. He's just staring at the screen being like, why haven't they gotten a first down? No, he's just been dabbing. The dance?

Yeah, he just dabs and he's flossing. He's like, sit down. He's got nervous energy i don't know how to floss but i can dab yeah dabbing's the easier of the two you know what you shouldn't be doing either of them why you're too old to dab and floss yeah those aren't for you no i don't think so they're not for me you know what i like to dab one uh lighthouse ranch i like to dab qp sauce.com brand hot sauce on all of my food that i eat sure why wouldn't you it's gluten-free it's something else free it's keto it's gluten-free. It's something else free. It's keto. It's sugar-free, gluten-free, and vegan. And the website is qpsauce.com,

which we've been failing to give out the correct website for a while now. We've given out several websites. Yes, we have. But if you go to qpsauce.com and you enter in promo code Chubby, you get 25% off. I know that. And how is Chubby spelled? C-H-U-B-b-y that's right

cubby with an h yeah and hey you should support rick d simone because rick d simone he's crazy he was one of the yeah one time we were all looking at the stars and uh rick we were like what's up rick and he's like all the stars are dead so That's my definitive Rick DeSimone memory. It sucks because he quit comedy and he was such a good comic. Do we have to read that? Is that a copy? Yes. Is that an ad copy?

This is a new copy. He was the voice of a generation. We all looked up to him and not just because he was six foot six. Let me read the exact copy uh from the genius that brought you the alphabet backward bit from the now i know my zyx is take your hick ass back to texas that's right i've been many times he did that bit i remember it i've been meaning to drop that on him yes so the voice of a generation rick t simone has put his genius brain

to work in a different venture and this one is qp sauce.com if you like big bold beautiful flavors from a guy who's never been more horny since he killed his wife. He didn't kill her. He just failed to save her. He just ditched her little ass and said, no more of you. Ricky needs some new slime. I will say they're really good. He wants some fresh slit.

That's what he said. We have fun on air. They're good. The sauces are all very tasty. Yeah. A lot of good heat, but not just heat. There's a lot of flavor in all of them. It's a lot like Rick's comedy.

It was spicy. It was flavorful. All over the place. Yeah. Controlled madness. The stars are dead, but you're not. Yes. So wake your tongue up with some qp sauce

ricky simone who was adjacent to i stole your baby production he was he was pleddled by john don kalush don john don john kalush good old don john uh yeah he had to uh clean the cars of bread hiker and jordan doll and make sure buffkin slept on his side but he quit all that to bring you the best hot sauce and try and finger 50 year old women so go to qpsauce.com and support sexual deviant rick de simone on his lust for gash he says that if he makes enough money and if you can help him by using code chubby at checkout to get 25 off he says he's going to go to thailand for a couple of weeks he says no questions asked he's gonna get his passport stamped and then his balls yeah he's gonna go over there and take small

lovers is what he told me so get his balls stomped out and crushed these are good sauces uh my favorite one is the diesel bone yeah yeah there's a couple that have uh garlic in there with the jalapeno with the serrano pepper it's fucking great i know what you're thinking what garlic in a hot sauce what's next well what's next for rick is uh him going to thailand for uh sexual tourism that's what's next what's next is rick he's gonna lady boy out down there he's gonna he's gonna go to all the places that scott lobrover was too scared to trespass he's going he's going off the deep end off the d end with rick de simone what about this dick re simone whoa that's great yeah it's pretty

good yeah good old dick dicky bones getting sticky uh well lund we're about that time of the pod where we have to figure out what to close on we are gonna be together again soon don't worry we are all over this great country you've had to do this without me a couple weekends and i'll bet it was tough but i hated it i will be there for the next well i don't know what your next couple weeks are but end of october we'll be together november we're together two weekends boston minneapolis well hey i'll tell you this las vegas i'm coming to skanks fest the 14th through the 16th you won't be alone there nope and hey rumor has it that i'll be on dad meat and matt and shane secret podcast so if you're out there say hi denver i'm at comedy works i'm headlining the

denver comedy works october 19th get tickets for that i would like if you attended those and if you live in the mountains you can go to the veil comedy show on october 20th that's right the veil comedy show run by puppet master himself big mark not my last name for real masters um yeah patrick's on that patrick's opening for me on that oh he slimed his way onto the lineup huh no i asked if patrick wanted to be on and then mark was like uh i emailed patrick trying to get him on the show but he hasn't responded do you want to move on and i said no, no, no, I'll talk to him. And I was like, Patrick, can you please email Mark?

And he was like, I don't want to do anything. I don't want to do any work ever. I don't want to email him back. Yes, I'm on the show. I want it to be your problem. So that was a lot of fun. And I don't hold that grudge at all. Yeah, Noah was supposed to open for me in lewisville

and then he was like oh miriam and jacob are doing their wedding celebration that night so i have to drop off and i was like okay and then like three weeks later or two weeks later he's like hey did you tell luke that i can't do the show and i was like why the fuck would i tell him yeah how about you how about you tell him and then same thing with patrick where i told luke that patrick uh could do it and then he was like i haven't heard back i haven't heard back from him but uh and i was like he's gonna do it so patrick pulled the same shit on your show as he did on mine huh yeah these guys are fucking they want their hands held god these guys need their fucking diapers changed they're like us when we when we were done in the bathroom i'm uh yours was your grandpa mine was my mom when it's like uh i'm i'm ready please wipe my butt now i'm in here and wipe me

uh grandpa i know that i just read gerald's game on the toilet but i still need to get wiped come in here grandpa grandpa i'm reading at a 12th grade level and wiping at a negative 12th grade level come in here i don't have i don't have the fine motor skills to get wiped yeah that's patrick and noah on shows uh grandpa i have to go to the spelling bee can you wipe me these cheeks are gonna wipe themselves grandpa uh grandpa get in here oh no you're busy i guess i'll just be in here fucking myself then let's go fuck myself grandpa i guess i guess i'll start another novel yeah my feet are asleep time to wipe me grandpa i have to, I have to get fitted for my letter jacket.

Can you come wipe me? Grandpa, it's the rehearsal dinner for my wedding. Get in here and wipe me, please. Tie my tie and then wipe me. Hello. Hello. Hello. Ova?

I don't even call him Grandpa anymore. Ova. Ova and out. This is my last communication. Wipe me. That was his last word. Wipe me or else. Or else.

I'm going to lose my shit if you don't wipe it from my bottom. Grandpa, I just lost my shit now come in here and clean it up clean me off grandpa i'm gonna take a shower standing up again you know how much i hate standing showers no i don't care grandma fell i don't want to bath i want you to give me a shower while laying down what's so hard to understand you're not even that good at wiping so i have to take a shower your whole thing is wiping and you're not even that good at it it's like uh hello i wish i could do a better job myself but i can't so i have to deal with this incompetence on top of my incontinence.

Your whole thing is white. Grandma, isn't your whole thing like buying me shit and then wiping me? What the fuck? What's your deal, man? It's like, get it together, Gramps. I know you're in the war or whatever, but that was before my time. No one cares, Grandpa. Why don't you do yourself a favor and come in here and wipe me?

Do one of the two things that you're supposed to do before you're gone. Wipe my ass. Isn't that your whole thing, Graham? Isn't my whole, your whole thing? That's good. Hey, if you like more stuff like that, go to patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. Join the old Chubby behemoth Patreon. We have so many great episodes on there.

If you're not on there, you're really just doing us a disservice. It's five fucking bucks. Come on. Get on there right now. Patreon.com slash show behemoth. Let's get some more money in these pockets. Follow us on Instagram at chubby behemoth pod. We want to know how many of you are out there blasting

this shit so get on instagram it's not facebook yeah it's not tiktok instagram is pretty cool yeah also i don't care if you follow us on there just join the fucking patreon if every one of our listeners join the patreon i'd be rich i'd have so much cash and i could fucking get a life-size robot made of my grandpa to come in and wipe me we have ai technology that can connect you to your ancestors oh really can it wipe me because that was his whole thing savannah georgia october 26th charleston south carolina the 27th atlanta the 28th 29th charleston south carolina the 27th atlanta the 28th 29th fort collins we're doing stick or treat on halloween at the comedy fort fucking we're all over dude anthony anthony crawford won't be there unfortunately yeah anthony's waiting for my grandpa to come wipe him look you old bitch

wiping my ass no one badger won't be there because nobody's gonna tell them what comic to impersonate and then uh teach them how to sound and act like that comic yeah these guys these babies will you fill out the form for me and also write all my jokes go to goodwill and buy an outfit that looks like the comic i'm gonna be and then uh show me no it talks like this too patrick just said he buried you all weekend last time you were in town not true he says it is and he's oh he's dabbing while flossing now he was okay damn tell him to floss his mouth so that it doesn't smell like shit so that your grandpa doesn't accidentally accidentally wipe his mouth grandpa this keeps happening stop wiping my mouth

it's my butt that needs wiping oh shit grandpa my grandpa's in there wiping my mouth and he's like i'm crazy oh well that's it