Chubby Behemoth - Vortex Wound

Episode Date: April 11, 2021

Biff, Bunny, and Meetus. Everyone's A Good Kisser. Heavy R. Donny Townsend and Ryan Graham.   https://youtu.be/Y0Lujv-e0TQ   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth Extra Episodes at https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth  

All right, so let me set the table here. We are in a Motel 8 in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Or near. We're in, like, unincorporated Green Bay, Wisconsin. Right off the highway. There's stains all over the toilet. And I haven't even really used it yet. I sat down.

I used it. I'll be honest. I plopped. But the stains were there previous of my plop. The toilet paper was not a fresh roll. Someone used this roll earlier today. Probably some kind of bus

driver. I think this was a bus driver room. What color are the walls, fellas? Sort of like cigarette yellow. Cigarette yellow, yeah. Beige. Yeah, beige. Kind of like a yellow. Cigarette yellow, yeah. Yeah, beige. Kind of like a widower's teeth.

And then the color right behind you guys can only be described as puke green. And it matches the sheets somehow. That's what's crazy. The carpet looks clean. The carpet looks clean. Okay, yeah. We need a little bit of bright side on this. We should break some glass in it. We should. Let's break some glass looks clean. Okay. Yeah. We need a little bit of bright side on this. We should break some glass in it.

We should. Let's break some glass and grind it in. Yeah. I'm joined here today by two young men who, well, one young man and my friend Donnie, who will not get close to the microphone. They're kind of playing it easy. They're kind of chilling, sitting back. Sorry, this is a high tech thing.

It is. I'm recording this on my phone. So before any of you fucking pigs complain, all right, don't go tattling. People love to tattle on this podcast. If we talk about someone having giant jugs, they rat us out. There's a magazine called Jugs, though. There is, I know. And we have the editor here. I'm joined by Donnie Townsend and Ryan Graham Both formerly of Iowa

One currently of Davenport, Iowa The other one, a proud prince of Milwaukee, Wisconsin And we're on the road right now, fellas We're doing it We're back This is what we missed Bowling alley gig Bowling alley gig

And guess what? Not even prime rib anymore They got rid of the prime rib What? There's no chicken and ribs anymore Yeah We're out here We're doing a show in Luxembourg, Wisconsin tonight.

Which is four hours from Milwaukee? I thought Luxembourg was like Kentucky or something. Luxembourg is a place where Nazis wash their money. It's pretty much the Delaware of Europe. That's the nation. But tonight we're in a place that's I bet a lot of these people got married

at like a Bass Pro shop this evening. For sure. It's a bunch of Bass Pro babies. I'm not mad about that, though, you know. I know, because you're positive. I have no belief this gig is going to be good. You're cynical and I'm positive now. You did, yeah.

I'm glad we switched. Yeah, it's about time. Well, Donnie and I have been on the road. Ryan's a younger comedian. Fair to say. He's on his phone. Ryan's a younger comedian. Fair to say. He's on his phone. He's too cool to podcast right now. I'm looking at how far away Luxembourg is from here.

I don't want you to do that. It's only like 15 minutes away. I'm in charge. Okay. If I say it's four hours, it's four fucking hours. Yeah, but Ryan is funny and Donnie is my friend. So it's good to be together. Fellas, how do we think the show is going to go this evening?

It's supposed, it's in a bowling alley, but we've been moved to the bar area instead of the event hall. We were supposed to be in an event hall with a chicken and rib dinner. Not anymore. Now we're the chicken and rib. Yeah, they're going to eat us.

They're going to consume us emotionally and physically. How do we do this and not get hammered? I know. And have fun, you know? It's like, is it worth destroying our livers to make a bunch of Bass Pro Shop babies fucking? I know. I considered that. I said in the car I wanted to take it easy tonight.

And then I ran into the booker and the host. Two beers? Yeah. Once that moon's out, dude. We're going to have to drink a bunch of hams The beer Yeah We're gonna have to crush hams tonight

And drink whatever awful 99 banana shots they send our way I bet these people love Southern Comfort Yeah Fireball UV blue UV blue sucks Sometimes you're bartending and somebody's like, do you have a Bud Light? You're like, no Can I just have a UV blue? Oh, my God. UV blue sucks. Yeah, sometimes you're bartending, somebody's like, do you have a Bud Light? You're like, no.

They're like, can I just have a UV blue and lemonade? You're like, no. You need to leave. Yeah, what are you doing? Get out of here. Juggalos. Yeah, I don't think

they even have juggalos tonight. No, this isn't juggalos. That's too much culture. Yeah, for sure. Ugh. I'm worried, guys. I just picture them moving tables out of the way, out of the corner of the room to put the microphone stand down.

I feel like it's going to be one of those shows. Yeah, no one's going to know there's a show. No. They're not charging anymore. And you're a best-selling author, dude. I am. Yeah. Yeah.

These people haven't read a book besides, you know, my struggle. My comment. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, the true true what's the what's the name of that book about white supremacists blowing up

the World Trade Center is it the J.D. Salinger book no Catcher in the Rye no this one this one's good this one's for adults

and not babies yeah man I don't know I hope everyone's nice it's definitely going to be a white's only show you're probably better off thinking it's nice. It's definitely going to be a whites-only show. You're probably better off thinking it's going to suck,

because then it'll be really fun. Yeah, I know. If you go in thinking it's going to be fun. If I go in there thinking we're going to rock everyone's pussies. Yeah. Yeah, no. I hope you guys both get laid. You can't get laid, right?

No. Yeah, Ryan's locked in. Yeah. No interest, even if I wasn't out here. Oh, you would for sure. You think so? If you didn't have a long-term girlfriend, fiancé now, and you were still drinking? Oh, yeah.

You'd be wrist deep and snooze. Look into his joyless eyes. I know, yeah. Ryan kind of looks like Jughead, for anyone wondering. No, I see this. You're like, I'm getting into stoicism. That makes sense. Yeah.

That's all you have left. Yeah, feeling sucks. Yeah, emotions are for cowards. Yeah, I don't know. Donnie, you need to get laid tonight. We're going to leave you there. You're going to start a new life in Luxembourg. That's cool.

Yeah. I'll be like my Uncle Metis, dude. Your Uncle Metis. Yeah. You don't have an Uncle Metis. Well, he's dead now. You're like a dead trucker. Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, he had a truck driver. had like a dead trucker yeah yeah he had a truck driver he had a girlfriend in every town and my poor aunt helen was in chicago and just like biting her fingernails all the time and then one time my mom called to talk to helen and my aunt helen's like is this one everybody called him graden because that was his middle name like is this one of graden's whores they'd didn't want to call him Metis? Yeah. They had to choose between Metis and Graydon? Metis Graydon? What's the man's name?

What was his last name? Townsend. What the fuck? Yeah. He had a girlfriend in every state, dude. Metis Graydon Townsend? One lady, he moved to Davenport, and she was, like, he was 60 then. She had to be, like, 10 years older.

She, like, lied about her age. He met her at some truck stop. Like, it was one of those ladies you see, and see like a big blonde wig yeah like she's like 75 and still trying to like look 30 she was an elderly lot lizard yeah who he moved to town yeah and rented her an apartment so every time he would come visit us he would see her but then she ended up going to a mental institution of course that meatus dick will turn your brain. Yeah. All that good meatus Gradenhog will make you lose touch with reality. He was my favorite uncle, dude.

Well, who was he competing with? Well, you know what? There's this thing with old... What was your other uncle's name? Uncle Biff? Pingus Pingus? My Uncle Biff, my Uncle Bunny. Yeah.

Biff, Bunny, and Meatus? Yeah. Yeah. My parents used to have these bookends. One was like Laurel. It was Laurel and Hardy bookends. Yeah. Biff, Bunny, and Miedis? Yeah. Yeah. My parents used to have these bookends. One was like Laurel. It was Laurel and Hardy bookends. Yeah. And I used to think the one was my Uncle Biff and the one was my Uncle Bunny because they

kind of looked like them. What did Miedis look like? You know the real truck drivers that look like Elvis, like later in life? Oh, yeah. Big sideburns? Big sideburns. Nice. Yep.

Combed his hair, wore suspenders. Big dude. Tucked in shirt. Nice. Yep, combed his hair, wore suspenders. Big dude. Tucked in shirt. Yeah, he talked in that jibber-job kind of thing. Yeah, because his name is Metis. Yeah. Yeah, he was born with a plastic spoon in his mouth. Yeah, he was a cook in the Navy.

All the weird meats I ever ate is because my mom's Italian. Metis meats? Yeah, dude. I had squirrel with him, rabbit. One time him and my dad caught a turtle. They made turtle soup. So it was just like super South Carolina kind of redneck shit.

Your life is so bizarre. I know, dude. My mom would make spaghetti sauce and then when Miedus would come to town, he'd go get weird meats, like neck bones and shit to put in my mom's gravy. Yeah, you'd like doing that. I love neck bones. I mean, I can meet as him on the same playing field

when it comes to neck bones. Dude, so that's where I wondered, you know, back then, I don't know if that was a thing. Truck drivers ended up looking like Roy Orbison, you know, or Elvis. But now that look is dying out. It kind of makes me sad. Yeah, the truck drivers are dying out. Yeah.

Yeah. If you sit down for 12 hours a day, you're going to just fucking pop a clot somewhere in Memphis and drive off the road. Yeah.

Yeah. Hard to eat. Yeah. Too much gravy. Well, I guess Miedis was fucking all the time, so he's probably good.

Yeah. That's like you. You're drained right now. Yeah. You don't have enough liquids in your body after all the cumming you've been doing.

I got to get into like the sexual Chinese iron dong training stuff. I don't think you do. That's the last thing you need I gotta get into like the sexual Chinese iron dong training stuff. I don't think you do. That's the last thing you need. He's toughening up your heart. You're only allowed to ejaculate

so often. Allowed? Yeah. Because you're preserving your essence, you know? I don't think either of us know. We gotta go find some old Chinese Taoist. Maybe tonight you'll meet your ancient Chinese secret. Luxembourg. Yeah. Either of us know. We've got to go find some old Chinese Taoist. Maybe tonight you'll meet your ancient Chinese secret.

Luxembourg. Yeah. Did you have any uncles, Ryan? Yeah, not like Donnie, so. No, no one has uncles like Donnie. You mean your uncles weren't cartoon characters? Meet as Bunny and Biff? No.

What's Bunny and Biff do? My Uncle Bunny was in the Air Force for a long time. He was pro boxer for a little bit. He's still alive. He's in South Carolina. He's got, like, dementia. Sure. I tried to call him when I was in South Carolina.

He didn't know who I was. He was like, is this one of Miedus' whores? Yeah. He was always, I mean, he had a family, but he ended up being single. He's one of those old guys that was like, you know, go bring flowers to a lady and you smell cologne on them. Yeah. Yeah. That's classy. Yeah, he used to have a stack of Playboys. I remember when we went to South Carolina, I think I was like seven. And you were just rubbing and tugging? Yeah.

Classy. It wasn't, you know, jugs or anything. It was Playboy. I'd rather have jugs. I would too. Playboy's like a tease. Yeah, it sucks. Especially now. Yeah, Playboy, it's like I should be wearing a scarf while I'm reading this. Well, even like this, dude. We'll get Especially now. Yeah, Playboy, it's like I should be wearing a scarf while I'm reading this. Well, even like this, dude. We'll get to that. Yeah.

Donnie has a... You should read an excerpt from my novel, dude. Donnie showed up last night with Penthouse Uncensored 2, twice the spice in one volume. It's a compendium of letters to Penthouse that is thicker than the Mormon Bible. Yeah. This is a dense tone. It's a lot of erotica. Yeah, I'll just read. I'm just going to read a random passage

from this book. As he laid on the bed, I pulled up the gown and straddled his naked body. Reaching up, he ran his hands all over me. The combination of the soft satin and his hands on my body felt wonderful.

We probed each other's mouth with our tongues. Did I mention that his kisses are the best? No, you didn't. There's a lot of questions and exclamation points in this book. This one's actually not that tawdry. Here's Midnight Beauty Blows and Goes. A tale told with...

A tale told with dispatch. Brenda began to masturbate me, running her hand up and down in long strokes that had me gasping and panting like a dog. I worked my hand under her skirt and into her panties. I applied a finger

to her creamy cunt. Why is it so creamy? I don't know. Those are two words that should never hang out. They should never be on the same page. It's like she's got coleslaw drippings in there. Yeah, exactly. Callback. Sliding it back and forth until it was good and wet,

then settling down to slowly circle her clit. We looked into each other's eyes, only occasionally looking forward for a soft, wet kiss. Did I mention what a good kisser he was? Why is everyone a good kisser in this book? Same guy. It is. That's two different letters.

Yeah. He's a good smoochercher we went on like this until we were both near the edge of great orgasms brenda suddenly dropped to her knees and slipped my cock into her mouth i watched it disappear to the root then reappear she wrapped her hand around my shaft again and resumed jerking me off that's kind of a letdown after getting some head yeah now you just get a rough handy from someone named Brenda. She got all that creamy stuff going on too, you know. At the same time, applying

her tongue to the head of my dick. This didn't go on for long because I spurted my sperm. No way. No way, dude. I spurted my sperm into Brenda's luscious waiting mouth. A little SS, huh? This guy's Brenda's luscious waiting mouth. A little SS, huh? Yeah. The SS.

This guy's all aboard the SS creamy cunt. Well, at least her mouth was luscious and waiting. I wanted to show her my appreciation, so I lifted Brenda up onto the counter, lifted her skirt, and slid her soaking panties off. I got down on my knees and started slowly licking my way up her leg until it was at her sweet-smelling pussy. Cream felt.

Yeah, scratch and sniff. It's all you can eat down here. I caressed her lips and clit with my tongue. I started with long strokes but soon settled in on her clit. As I knew we couldn't go on forever without someone else coming in. What? Where are they? And I wanted to get my dick into her quivering snatch. My attention to her button was quickly rewarded

as she began drumming her legs against the counter and extended orgasm. These people are coming way too much in this book. Can't be good for you. I mean, if I'm coming once... Is there a chapter about them rehydrating? No, that's what you need. You took this book to heart.

Yeah, I did. You thought this was like the art of war. Now you're just cumming, you're only drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. Sex is war. Wow. Isn't that a Pat Benatar song? I don't think so. I think that was your graduation song.

Sex is... Love is a battlefield, not sex is war. That's right. Yeah. What's the difference? Dude, yeah, that's the issue. You don't know the difference

between love and sex. This book is upsetting. It should not have been, I wonder how many copies of this sold. That's a good question. I bet James Joyce wrote one of the stories

in here. Because they don't have any authors attached with them. here because they don't have any authors attached with them no they don't no because it's anonymous it is anonymous yeah just like the terrorists online you think it was just the same guy with all those stories i don't think so i mean it's funny when you read one the point of view of a woman is obviously a dude that wrote it yeah she was like bury it in me daddy yeah. Yeah. I want to be your cum pig. Something a woman would never say. Yeah.

Me likey jism. I want to be your cum pig. Yeah. Fill me up. Girls hate being filled up. Yeah, they're not a twinkie, you know? No. I mean, this book.

Not a hostess ding dong. How many of these stories have you read? Just random ones here and there. Reading them out loud is the best, though. Upon my first glimpse in the mirror of myself in makeup, I had a spontaneous ejaculation. It was amazing. My cock simply spewed out a load of cum

without even being touched. I pumped it until all the cum had dripped out and was amazed to see how much cum it was. I was still hard. I kept jerking off and soon felt another orgasm building up inside me. Fixing my eyes on the beautifully made-up face in the mirror and knowing it was mine, I pumped out another load. This guy needs to get more synonyms.

Yeah, he needs a thesaurus for, like, you know. There's only so many words for clit. This guy, name and address withheld. He didn't want anyone to know. So he's putting makeup on and he just cums his pants? I guess.

Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who makes me cum the hardest of them all? No way! It's not that. Okay.

No way! This whole book makes me go, no way! Also, I like how that was the part of the book that you had marked

with a bookmark. It was this story. Yeah. Wait till you get to the highlights. There's no you had marked with a bookmark. Was this story. Yeah. Yeah. Wait till you get to the highlights. There's no highlights. It's all lowlights. Well, yeah.

Ugh. Calm highlights. This book sucks. How do you get hard reading this? I don't think you're supposed to. Who's in the library? Just like... Librarians, dude.

I'm going to throw this in the trash where it belongs. I'm reading it on stage tonight. Good. We need something tonight. I know. I'm gonna be up there just saying the 14 words over and over again. Dude, Mike Adralis is coming. Great.

I don't know this guy. You'll love him, dude. He's just gonna yell at you and you won't understand him. That sounds like a blast. It is. That sounds like everyone else there. He's like four foot nine. Okay.

Yeah. This is the guy who fucked that old lady in the bathroom? Yeah. The house show. While the show was going on? Yeah, dude. And she kept sliding off the toilet? Yeah.

And then he couldn't come, and she started crying. That sounds like one of these stories. It's like he fucked a lady going through menopause, you know? You can tell she needed like, needed some young, younger Filipino penis. Yeah. Why Filipino? Because that's what Mike is.

I don't know. Okay. You should have helped him out. No. You should have gone in there and sealed the deal. No. You should have tagged him out.

He's reaching for the hot tag across the ropes. He kicks out at the two count. I'll come for you. Yeah. You have to put makeup on and look in the mirror. Yeah. Yeah.

I wanted to ask you about your late friend, Arthur Googie. Oh. You told me some fun stories about Googie. Yeah, my first friend in Iowa. We would watch the train tracks and we would huff gas. Yeah. That's the guy. Yeah.

That's the rascal I'm talking about. I had sex with his sister. You said both of his sisters. Yeah, that's the guy. That's the rascal I'm talking about. I had sex with his sister. You said both of his sisters. Yeah, I did. One of them I don't like to mention, though. Why, because she had Down syndrome? I think he had sex with her, too. What?

Ew. I think he might have. I don't know, dude. His dad was way older. He would sit, because I would crash at his house, and then he'd fall asleep, and I'd go bang his sister when I was like 17. Yeah. But his dad, he just sat around in a wife beater smoking Camelon filters,

like hacking up a long watch in the heat of the night. That's so bleak. Yeah, and ours was just huffing gas and like butane. What made you think he fucked his sister? Just the vibe, you know. You can kind of tell. When love is in the air, you can smell it.

Yeah. Did she ever say anything? No. Were you ever inside of her? And she's like, you know my man? Yeah. My brother does it different.

She calls you Arthur. His dad, dude. Hacking up a long sing on the edge of a couch and a wife beater watching the heat of the night yeah chain smoking fucking and you guys were just all fucking his daughter in shifts yeah yeah yeah i don't like the sound of this this is not savory no one time uh we robo tripped yeah when you drink a whole bottle of robitussin you know i'm familiar i'm cool but then we were smoking some weed i think we drank

some mad dog sure and then arthur started uh huffing butane and i thought he was gonna die because his eyes were rolling back of his head and shit and i was like i don't know what to do that's the whole story yeah I don't know what to do yeah I was just like I don't yeah Ryan do you have any colorful characters in your past not really man I mean just people I met through comedy honestly sure I did pretty white boring suburban life up until I started doing comedy sure that haircut says otherwise though oh yeah yeah you gotta got like a punk thing going on yeah yeah swimmer white, boring, suburban life up until I started doing comedy. Sure. That haircut says otherwise, though. Yeah?

You got, like, a punk thing going on? You got a swimmer's haircut. Yeah. Trying to get that swimmer body. Trying to get that deep feet. You have a young hot body now. Yeah. You do.

Used to be a wet, dripping hog, and now look at you. I used to be a doughy Joey. Yeah, you were. A real Joey Thicken. Yeah. Joey Thicken. Joey Feeks. Fecal freak. Ficken. Joey Ficken. Joey Feeks.

Fecal Freak. Fecal Freak Ficken. Well, I'm glad you didn't have any Arthur Googies in your past. No, not really. I wish I did. I wish I had better stories. No, it's okay. We got Donnie here.

He's lived a thousand lives. He's the beginning and the end. It's good to have the outfit. Exactly, yeah. I's the beginning and the end. It's good to have the outfit. Exactly, yeah. I'm the angel of death. I huffed computer cleaner once. You say I'm the angel of death? I think you might be, dude.

I might be. Yeah, I think you're timeless. People are like, dude, your eyes are shark eyes. Ladies will say, she's like, why are your eyes black? You were drinking last night and you were looking at me and it was like staring into the eyes of the devil. Really? That's cool.

You were sniffing around a couple stumps last night. Yeah, I love stumps. I know you do. Yeah, that was funny when that lady was like, do you remember me? And you were like, you're Jewish, right? You didn't remember her name. You're like, Jew?

Well, she gave me her card. Oh, nice. She just started comedy. Like, here, here's my card. A comedy card? Yeah. Yeah? I have a whole drawer full of people's cards.

Why? Throw them out. I know, but at some point it just kind of became a gag. I see. You know? Yeah. Because it's usually not good comedians giving you their card. No.

What? I don't think Bill Bird's handing out cards. I gave Key a card, I think. Yeah? Yeah. Key is funny Bird's handing out cards. I have a Gabe Kea card, I think. Yeah? Gabe Kea's funny. Yeah, he's funny. He's doing that show with us on Wednesday.

Yeah. Dude, Tom Garland used to put, when he was just hosting at Penguins, he would put his card on all the tables. Jesus Christ. Who was that dude

that used to come to Speakeasy in the tuxedo shirt and hand out cards to people? You remember that dude? Was he an older guy yeah it was that carrot top it's that gary guy he wears a knife around his neck something like that yeah he shows up to a mic and he's got a knife around his neck he just looks like a fucking drifter yeah he did crowd work at the speakeasy one time and like you can't see the crowd so he was just like yeah i saw

a guy in the back uh he looked pretty fucking stupid. It's terrible. And he's like, yeah, this is actually my last show at Speakeasy. I'm moving to Chicago after this. It was nice, dude.

I got the call up to the big leagues. Yeah. I love it when people do fake crowd work. Yeah. Saw a lady in here. She had some

hair lips. Yeah. Be cool to accuse somebody of something in the crowd. Yeah, exactly. Tax fraud. Yeah, I got hit by a car the other day. It'd be cool to accuse somebody of something in the crowd. Yeah, exactly. Tax fraud. Yeah, I got hit by a car

the other day. It was you. This guy. I'll never forget your face. Yeah. It was the last thing I saw before I went in the coma. I can't quit thinking

about this show tonight. I don't think, uh... We wanted to remember. Yeah. I mean, I think the shitty gigs make the best stories, you know? Yeah remember. Yeah. I mean, I think the shitty gigs make the best stories, you know? Yeah, for sure. I mean, if you never huffed butane

on the train tracks with Googie, we wouldn't have that hot three minutes on the pod. That's true. What about, remember that story Bruce Jay told us about walking up and seeing, like, a woman get fucked by a dog? Yeah, and he's looking through the window. Yeah.

I don't remember how, I forgot until you brought it up, but I remember him saying that. I remember him saying that thing about Shirley Temple. He read her biography, and every chapter was just her describing different old men's laps that she was sitting on. Yeah, it was just different famous laps. Yeah, and then he said there's a Shirley Temple magazine. They have it at Walgreens, and all pedophiles always buy Shirley Temple magazine.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Bruce Jay. Yeah. He seems like he might have bought that mag a couple times. Bruce, man. He was a poet, dude. Where did he see someone fucking a dog?

I don't know. He could have been making it up for you. Was it in Luxembourg? Yeah, probably. That's the opener tonight. You don't... You never knew how Bruce was fucking with you, you know? Oh, sure.

But, I mean, that story was... We were, like, eating Indian lunch. We were having, like, a lunch buffet. And he was like, yeah. And then, you know, she bent over and just took it from that twisted penis off that Rottweiler. And he just saw this through a window. I think it was in his hometown.

And it was a thing that happened every Wednesday. And all the fellows would go watch from the woods. And a peep show. Yeah. That's so depressing. I mean, I liked the guy. Don't get me wrong. I mean, theater comes in many forms.

Yeah, art's everywhere. It's all around us. Donkey show? I never wanted, yeah, that guy Seymour last night was all fired up for the donkeys. Like, no one talks about donkey shows anymore. Yeah, that's the thing, dude. What's that dude's deal? He's going to play piano for you tomorrow?

Maybe. I'm considering it. I don't know. He's an old, like, jazz man. What, did he play piano while you were riffing? Yeah. Oh, that's great. Sounds kind of fun.

Dude, Pardo did that last time he was at Penguins. Yeah. He had a drummer and a bass player. He only did it there. Yeah. He knew them, and they were kind of friends from coming there for years. And he would start singing a song. He's like, what's a CCR song? And he would sing like a line of it.

He's like, shut it down, shut it down. Like he's just riffing, and they would fire up a song real quick. And I'm just, that's it. Done. And then Todd Glass stole that bit completely. Did he really? I don't know. Todd Glass has a band on stage with him now.

Oh. Yeah. Him and Pardo are very reminiscent of each other. Huh. I get them mixed up in my head sometimes. Do you really? Oh, for sure. Ever seen anyone get fucked by a dog, Ryan?

On the internet, yeah. Really? Yeah. You ever seen those videos? I mean, I have, but also I'm a little older than you. So you had like full-fledged internet. You know? I mean, when I, but also I'm a little older than you. So you had like full-fledged internet. You know? I mean, when I was online, you had to like download that stuff via LimeWire.

My friend David, he's like, dude, you got to check out his website, zoosurprise.com. Oh, that's a bad surprise. It's all just like... You got to check this out. Hey, man. It's all just like chicks like jerking off giant fucking horse dicks and stuff. Oh, man. Yeah.

I never really went in for that kind of stuff. It was more jarring than, like, it was like, ah, this is, I don't like this. I've watched somebody send you a link or something like that. Like, here, check this out. You don't know what it is? Like the two girls, one cup thing. Somebody, like, sent it to me.

I was like, what's this? Oh, my God. Oh. That was soft serve ice cream, though. I don't think it was real. I don't think it was real. You don't think it was real? No. Let's fire the video up. I think it's a nice to get. You're a two girls, one cup truther. This is like the Boston bombing to you.

Look, they're smiling. Some kind of bombing. You see them smiling. They're having fun. I don't smile like that when I eat shit. I think they probably extracted any feces they had in them and then filled it with pudding. I've heard these theories. Yeah. Yeah, I'm with you. That's what it looked like.

Mm-hmm. You ever had anyone send you a porno link and they'll be like, I think you'd like this? No. I hate that. There's an IMDB of two girls, one cup. Really? It's a 7.4 out of 10. That's not bad, man.

That's better than the new Ninja Turtles movie. They took a risk. Yeah. I think Godzilla vs. King Kong only has a six and a half. Yeah. They should have had to leave the scene where those two fuck. Godzilla and King Kong? Yeah.

What do they say? Who produced it? Harvey Weinstein? It was directed by Michael Bay? I'm trying to find this video now. Two girls, one cup. I mean Warren. Yeah, don't confuse it.

Be careful, dude. Hopefully you're using the Wi-Fi from the hotel uh what do we trust more heavy r.com or sex tv x.com well donnie is a heavy r you're a heavy r guy yeah i look heavy you like when they put chicks in headlocks and shit yeah sometimes i don't want to know what you jerk off to donnie jerk off to anything i quit himself you quit yeah i don't do it anymore that's good i i quit too i had a wet dream like three days ago what i hadn't jerked in a long time yeah and i was at a wedding and uh i was like i think i was with matthew mcconaughey and someone else who was famous and we were all drinking and i had my arms around their shoulders like this i was in the middle and then we like saw like some hot chick at the wedding and we all came and i was like whoa i'm coming and they were like me, and I had my arms around their shoulders like this. I was in the middle. And then we, like, saw, like, some hot chick at the wedding, and we all came.

And I was like, whoa, I'm coming! And they were like, me too! And then I woke up, and I had cum in my pants. Well, that's what people do at weddings, right? At the end, everybody watches the couple dance. Yeah. And they jerk off. That's right, yeah.

It's kind of what it feels like. It's a traditional wedding. Yeah. It was like Dave Lasso's wedding. Just staring at the couple dancing. Yeah. Yeah, that was trouble. Yeah, I remember the ride there.

Me too! Yeah, it was funny, dude. dude Well it's a lot of fun I almost crashed We were laughing so hard So Donnie You've been in Milwaukee You came up here With a young lady

Yeah You guys had a romantic time Ryan's just watching Violent pornography now On his phone I'm trying I've tried three different websites And we're not having any luck

That's where stoicism leads you to We're getting 505 Two girls one cup A complete evil Alright now this This appears to be poop. We don't. That's not soft serve ice cream.

I mean, how would you make it work like that? How did we get here? God, I told you that porno book was evil. This happens on my podcast every fucking time. We just end up watching porn. This isn't porn. I'm more grossed out by the pimples on her ass. Put this away.

This is not what this pod is about. Turn the audio up. And let's not watch it. Let's listen. There's 23 minutes left, guys. Come on. I don't like listening to people have sex. What do you like? Smelling it? I don't like that. Window. Watching from the window no smells no hearing yeah watching

the dog mount yeah yeah uh i mean i've never was exposed to any kind of like strange startling sexuality as a child yeah this is pretty rough man how old are you and you ryan pull out how are you when you lost your virginity oh dude i think or 17. It was on a bale of hay. What was his name? Nice. It was Cody Hockaday's graduation party. Look at this picture, dude. Whoa, dude.

Show Sam that. Shit. What is it? Ladies with real big moon holes. That's pretty cool. They're stacked. That's obviously Photoshopped. Yeah. They're stacked up That's obviously Photoshopped.

Yeah. They're stacked up top and downtown. Yeah. I'm more interested in the other clip, Milk Me Daddy. Milk Me Daddy? Yeah. With a bunch of... Is that breast milk stuff? Are there udders?

I think it's chick milk and cows. Oh, my God. There's all kinds of fetishes. We get in one... Look up mature gypsy. There's comments about her pimply ass. That's what all the comments are. We're in a Motel 8 for a half an hour

and this is what we're up to? You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. I know. We're bad people. No, we're okay. But we're all just... If you look out the window, it looks like the sun died. Oh, no.

It's so gray out there. Bill Gates sprayed that stuff in the thing. He did. Well, let's not get you started on Bill Gates. Donnie, are you vaccinated? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, right. I've been fucking licking right. I've been fucking

licking windows and fucking hanging out with hobos. We got a hobo today. Yeah, he was great. I thought he was going to kill us. You gave him 20 bucks.

I did. I was afraid of him. Yeah. He had eyes like you last night. That guy never quit moving just like a shark. Someone commented,

love these Brazilian women. Wife material. All right, Ryan, I'm going to put your phone in the refrigerator. See, this is a nice classic Midwestern boy and you get him on the road.

Yep. And here he is watching scat porn. Yeah. I'm a scat man. Nathan's going to hate this episode. Is he?

Yeah, Nathan. He's a clean guy. Nathan's a good guy. Hi, Nathan. Yeah, he's not going to listen. episode. Is he? Yeah, Nathan's a good guy. He's not going to listen. I remember your mustard bit. Yeah, it's a good hit. Yeah, leave him a note. You hung out with... Quit! There's nothing left in this cup.

Put the cup away. Well, I'll be right back. Okay, get some coffee. Yeah. God. I've been naughty, boy. That Gary Zajikowski guy showed me not one but two different blades last night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

As soon as we got to that bar, he whipped out a... Someone stole his bike and he bought throwing knives. That's good. Milwaukee's such a weird place, man. What is he going to do with throwing knives? If you see someone driving by on his bike, just... Yeah, hit the tire maybe? Yeah.

God damn it. He thinks he's... They were playing baseball on the street last night, too. That's fun, though. That's wholesome. That's the opposite of whatever you just tried to pull off. Internet history is going to be wild. Yeah.

Did you use incognito mode? No. You need a VPN. Maybe ExpressVPN. I bet a lot of child porn gets downloaded in this room. Speaking of which, today's episode is sponsored by... This is definitely... There's been bad porno made in here. There's probably been

a low-budget version of Two Girls, One Cup made in the room next door. One girl, one cup? Did you know necrophilia is not illegal in Wisconsin? Nice. Just because it's not illegal doesn't mean it's not wrong, though. That's what a judge told me. You can't buy beer at a gas station after 9 p.m.

But if you roll in there and the clerk died. There was some hot lady that died, and these three guys dug her up when she was fresh and had sex with her, and they got in trouble. It was like an article I read. Where did you read that article? Mad Magazine? Yeah. It was a spy versus spy. That was the one spy versus spy

where they teamed up. They had a common goal. They tag teamed. Eiffel Tower of Corpse. We're twisted freaks. No, but that's what the judge told him. He's like, just because necrophilia isn't illegal doesn't mean it's not wrong. So he was like, boys will be boys pretty much?

Yeah. He gave him a slap on the wrist. Yeah. You guys aren't allowed near pretty much? Yeah. He gave him a slap on the wrist? One of these. Yeah. You guys aren't allowed near the graveyard? Yeah. I think that... Well, I've asked this question on the podcast before, but if you were, like, banging, who do you think the hottest woman ever was? Who's your

ultimate sexual desire? Hmm. Ask Ryan first. Ryan, who's the pinnacle of feminine lust for you? Um, I don't know,

I guess like Kate Upton. Kate Upton, sure, classic, classic all-American tale. If you were having sex with Kate Upton and she died, would you finish?

Um, I think you might as well because you're going to jail either way no no natural causes if a famous person dies so if she falls asleep no justin verlander is going to sue the shit out of me yeah well he's just going to beat your head in yeah yeah you're not going to see a tribunal in any way i mean i asked nathan lund if he was begging anna nicole smith because he's got weird tastes really yeah you like some big sloppy tits? Yeah, who doesn't? He likes pilled out.

Yeah, he likes one eye open. Yeah. Would you finish? And I think you finish. Yeah. But you couldn't say that if she just passed out. No, that's rape. Yeah. It's fine. Yeah, it's cool. That's smooth sailing.

I think this is a good philosophical question, really. Well, thank you, because I think comedians are modern-day philosophers. That's what they say. Lazy philosophers. So, yeah, this is a very important question. I feel like Dionysus probably had this same conversation once. Dionysus? Sure, Dionysus.

He's the guy who shit in the middle of the square. Yeah. And he was like, what gives? He used to jerk off in public, and when you asked him why he would do it, he'd be like, it's a living. He'd say, if only I could fill my belly by rubbing it. You mean to say things that don't make any sense? Well, that makes sense.

It does make sense. Yeah. He used to go around with a lantern in the daytime and say he was looking for an honest man, but he could never find one. But people would come up and want to talk to him about philosophy. If he didn't like what they were saying, he would just start taking a shit in the middle of the street or pee on their shoe. That was his test? Well, just like he didn't suffer fools or whatever.

That was like when Bruce Jay was dropping hard ends in the Indian food place. That was like a test to how far he could push a comedian. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. He was just trolling you. He was just like Dionysus. Yeah, for sure. Or Diogenes.

A philosopher. He lived in a bathtub. And when it would rain and get under it why do you flip it over yeah i can't keep he only owned a bowl that's all he owned was one bowl he could eat out of and then one day he saw bruce j yeah bruce j same thing though they call the dog. He would eat out of the bowl and poop in the bowl, right? He did all of it. He had one bowl, but he saw a little kid, like, scooping up water with his hand. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Dionysus.

Yeah. But he saw a little kid scooping water with his hand. He's like, fuck, what do I need this bowl for? I'm doing it wrong. And he, like, throws the bowl on the ground. So he was pretty much just like Joe Rogan. He was just having, like... Yeah, without the sleeve tattoos.

Yeah, exactly. Without being able to squat his body weight yeah um i think i would finish of course you would for sure yeah it'd be really you love finishing i do yeah you're working on that new closer now i am well i love finishing meals that aren't finished donnie said he was gonna get healthy he's eating healthy and then we got to that gas station in rural wisconsin right away you ate a McRib. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't even a McRib. It was like a store brand McRib. Yeah. Yeah. It was like eight different meats went into that

thing. Yeah. Yeah. Delicious. It was. I mean, I liked watching you eat it. You might as well eat a bunch of GMOs and get ready, dude. Hell yeah, dude. For what? The race war? You're prepping for something. I am, dude. Quit humping the table. I'm sorry, dude dude Go get your coffee Alright

God This is what happens When you're in the hotel room man What the issue is with this Is usually on the podcast Lunda's here to rein me in And now I'm the one Having to rein in you two

You're looking at Violent pornography You're humping the table slowly Looking me in the eye Yeah I'm a naughty boy Yeah I know You're pure evil

You were talking earlier About having a table With a pussy on it Oh A pussy table That wasn looking me in the eye. I'm a naughty boy. Yeah, I know. You were talking earlier about having a table with a pussy on it. Oh. A pussy table? That wasn't me, that was you. It was not me. No, our friend Ken Suzuki, you know, his wife now, she'd get on

all fours, and he would just put his feet on her like she was a coffee table. She was into that? Yeah. She'd get all creamy? From that? Yeah, how would she have a creamy cunt from that into that? Yeah. She get all creamy? From that? Yeah, how would she have a creamy cunt from that one? Yeah, and she's pregnant. She's a pregnant table now. He knocked up a table.

Yeah, she has a drawer in her now. Yeah. It's filled with baby. Ken, you know, I'm glad he's your friend. He fucking freaks me out. He should dude Yeah He's got a school shooter vibe

For sure Ken like was like Hey you wanna come to San Francisco And do a couple shows I'll pay you like a thousand dollars Yeah I remember And then I got there And both shows were cancelled

And he still paid you He just paid me to come like Hang out with him for two hours But then we're all hanging out Cause I'm there remember And he wants to leave Yeah I know I'm like what are you doing

We just started hanging Well he's like I gotta get back to the table Yeah Yeah I gotta put some food in the table bowl. Yeah, you just put like a doily over. Yeah, throw a blanket over. Putting a blanket over a birdcage. Yeah, exactly.

She doesn't know if it's day or night. Yeah. I noticed they do that at the grocery stores. Like at the end of the night, they put like a sack over the potatoes, you know. They like put the potatoes to bed. I've never been at the grocery store before closing time. No? No.

I love it. Because I live in a big city. There's other things to do. Yeah. We did a, they were $20. You and Arthur Googie were probably there, seeing if they had a discount on Freon. Oh, man.

You don't have any whites in your eyes. What? Your eyes are black. Yeah, it's weird, dude. It's weird. How did that happen? I think I might be a reptilian. Is it because your dad's Asian? My

Chinese father? Yeah. Townsend? Yeah. Well, I saw that picture of you you showed me from 1997, and you look like, you know, you haven't aged. That's weird, dude. Your lifestyle... Are you Japanese, dude? Hmm? Are you Japanese? I've hung out with a lot of Japanese. So you might be. Especially

old Japanese guys. So you're Japanese by osmosis with a lot of Japanese especially old old Japanese guys in saunas and stuff So you're Japanese by osmosis? Old Japanese businessmen Do you know karate? Yeah Have you ever been

used as a table before? No? Futon Yeah I've been a beanbag chair for a wealthy Russian oligarch Yeah I don't know

I don't want a table with a pussy on it Yeah I know I don't know. I don't want a table with a pussy on it. Yeah, I know. I don't know what Ryan was talking about. Yeah, I do. I was there. You had some wild ideas.

No, I didn't. That was Ryan. No. You're going to drink too much coffee and you're going to have diarrhea. You're going to lose more liquid.

I'm going to have diarrhea anyway. You heard it here first, folks. Yeah. It's a man resigned to his fate. Some people are like, ah, I don't do that because it gives me diarrhea. I'm like, oh.

I had diarrhea a lot during quarantine. Yeah, when they're like, diarrhea is a symptom of something, it's like, you're going to have diarrhea. Yeah. That's just a common occurrence if you're living the life that we are, of artists and vagabonds. I was thinking it would be nice to have a bed that opens up and you can just shit into a little hole.

Oh, that's the most upsetting thing anyone's said so far yeah i don't know why that really shook me you want to shit in your bed i always wake up and i have to pee in the morning like how nice would it be if i could just roll over and there's like a hole that i pee in i mean what about a diaper just patch it up and you were saying earlier how you go back to sleep so you're sleeping on top of a toilet you'll wake up middle night and pee in a hamper is that what you said well when i was when i was drinking i got blackout drunk and i stood yeah you're a pisser i pissed in the closet pee the bed i peed on my mom's internet modem one time i did too you're like fuck media com dude yeah just helping your mom out i've never peed indoors

before yeah but the amount of liquid booze that it takes me to get blackout drunk, like, I would probably be dead. I've only been blackout, like, a couple times. You ever fall asleep on top of an open beer? Yeah. That's happened to me a bunch of times. You wake up, you think it's piss. Yeah, yeah.

Dude, I have a friend that every time he would get really drunk, he would piss the bed, you know? Yeah. So if he ever stayed at one of our places, we'd make him sleep in the bathtub. Like, you're sleeping in the bathtub. Because wherever he'd fall asleep, he'd piss. My wife's grandmother, her

grandfather, when they'd go on vacation, would make his wife sleep in the bathtub. Yeah. And she just told this story as, like, a fun memory. Is this Ken Suzuki? No, yeah, yeah, Ken Suzuki is my wife's grandfather. No, like, it's because he snored. So to Ken Suzuki? No, yeah. Ken Suzuki is my wife's grandfather. No, like, it's because he snored.

So to not keep her awake, he would make her sleep in the bathtub. And she was like, I miss him every day. It's a baller move. It's crazy. What about a chair with a toilet in it? You see those in like a DAV or something, or like a Goodwill

sometimes? Well, you see a toilet you can sit down on. Well, it's like a chair that has a toilet for like old people in the shower. I'm talking like a lazy boy. Yeah. Yeah, like a recliner that just has a button. That's the future. Let's dig up a... Feed me.

Let's dig up a Nikola Tesla and have them make one. I bet Ken Suzuki... That sounds like a Japanese thing. I bet they have those in Japan. They're all about mixing business with pleasure. Is it Nikolo Tesla? Nikola, I believe.

Nikola. Yeah. Nickelodeon Tesla. Yeah. Yeah, I don't want to have to sit on anything that I pooped in unless it's a toilet. Yeah.

Yeah. I like to keep those worlds separate. I'm not harshing your mellow. But if you were in bed and you were like... In my design, it would like suck it down like an airplane would. So like an idiocracy? Like they're all just kind of on toilets all the time playing like video games, drinking Mountain Dew. So you don't have to move.

Like the ultimate chair. Just get like a matrix tube attached to your asshole. It just sucks all the poop out. You know? Something like that. I don't know why this is so upsetting to me. It isn't. i'm not enjoying this conversation let's go back to the two girls one cup that's sweeter yeah yeah yeah those were

simpler times yeah they were scat um scatting and there's diddling too you know there's diddling and they're scatting what's doing both of them in your search history dip dip dab yeah like that there's ham boning yeah which is i get it and then there's there's shuffling you know about shuffling no it's just it's ham boning combined with mouth percussion so it's like yeah that's like a one man barber shop quartet yeah exactly i'd be good at shuffling Oh yeah It's C-H-U-F-F-L-I-N-G You like to smack Your glutes sometimes

Like Well yeah last night We were smacking Our own asses In the bathroom It was very loud Yeah We were like

This is too loud Well that's how We get ready for sets Yeah that gig in Ames When you're That shit gig And you were super drunk And you just

You started mooning everybody Well I mean I didn't It was hilarious though And you were just Playing your ass like bongos. That was my closer.

Yeah. That's a great move. The show is the worst. Well, I think it's also sexual assault if you're mooning

people. I think mooning has different connotations now. What town was it in? Ames, Iowa. Oh, you're

fine. That's where your dad's from. But everybody talks about how much they want to eat ass now.

Yeah. You can't even moon anybody. Yeah, but they're not like, you can't even moon anybody. Like, they took that away. We lost that to the libtards. I've never been a big mooner, but I don't know if somebody moons me.

It's because your butt's stupid. It's dumb. Yeah, you don't have a good mooning butt. I have a gigantic white ass. Yeah. Which is, like, one of my better character traits. Full moon. Full moon tonight.

Yeah. Like, if I was to moon this window, I could block out half of this entire chain. The wolves would show up. Yeah, they would. They'd be licking their lips. Yeah. Like if I was to moon this window, I could block out half of this entire chain. The wolves would jump. Yeah, they would. They'd be licking their lips. I'd just trick a bunch of coyotes. They wouldn't know if it was day or night. Oh, man. So Donnie and I have a long

time ahead of us on the road together. We're back in Milwaukee tomorrow. And then on to Chicago where I have to see my friend's baby. My friend Nick had a baby, which he named Nixon, which just means Nick's son, which is hilarious. Is he a big Nixon guy? I don't think so. I think he named the baby Nixon because it's Nick's son, and his name is Nick. That's kind of cool.

It's cool, but he won't admit it. He won't admit that's why he did it. You should name your kid Donnie's son. And his name is Nick. That's kind of cool. It's cool, but he won't admit it. He won't admit that's why he did it. You should name your kid Donnie's son. I like that you found a conspiracy for that. Well, I have conspiracies, too. But he won't admit it. You ask him about it. You can name your kid Sam's son.

I could, yeah. Yeah. Sam's son? Sam's son. Yeah. Have a little charging slot. Suck the poop out of his butt. Put it on the change.

I mean, I would get into a diaper lifestyle yeah yeah i think so what's wrong with that's kind of decadent and depraved i mean is it weird that i can see you wearing a diaper no i mean i feel like people look at me and they're like that guy's got a diaper on that guy's dived up are you changing your own diaper is your wife no i'm on my back legs over my head. She's changing it? Yeah. Cool. It is pretty cool, thank you. She really loves you. She does, it's a test. Emmy, it's full.

Somebody bathe me, somebody change me. Just pooping on stage, just take a pause for like five seconds, push one out. And another thing. That'd be nuts. There's got to be a pause for like five seconds and push one out. And another thing. That'd be nuts. There's got to be a certain freedom in wearing a doctor. Do you think you can poop in front of a crowd of people? Like unbeknownst to them? No.

I'm very private with my bathroom. I am too. I like the door locked. Yeah. My wife will dump with the door open. What? Yeah, because she doesn't have the boundaries. Well, because she's a girl.

Doctors do that to them. Girls are used to like two of their sisters doing their hair in the bathroom while they're getting their first period. Yeah. And doctors always poop with the door open. I mean, I don't know if that's not a mandate. They didn't sign it. I think it is, dude.

That's in the Hippocratic Oath. You get lunch with a doctor and they eat all, like, loud and aggressive. What are you talking about? You're a scholar. How many doctors do you know? Yeah. How many more, like, doctors of, like, philosophy? You don't know any doctors of philosophy.

I don't but I know dude It's fun to speculate What's cool about being right about stuff all the time I don't know ask my wife She's always right about stuff But yeah she'll try and come in while I'm in there dumping And I hate that

I need that privacy Dude uh There's been times you know you like live with a lady and i have to poop or whatever and then uh but there's no fan so to block the noise out so i'm just in there listening like pantera yeah and she's like why what do you always listen to metal in there you know it helps the process yeah or you're like i'm gonna take a shower like early in a relationship where you like have nachos for lunch and you go back to her house. It's like, I need to take a shower real quick.

Well, sometimes like when the bedroom is attached to the bathroom. It sucks. And there's no fan. It's the worst. Yeah. I one time, I was with a girl and instead of pooping in her apartment, I went outside and dumped in the alleyway. No, you didn't. I sure did.

100%. Because I didn't want to scare her. But if she knew what I was up to out in the alleyway, that would have ruined the deal. It would have been way worse. Yeah, I know. But if she had to smell what came out of me, what escaped from the depths of my colon, I was trying to get a little wet,

you know? Just leave and then call her from jail 30 minutes later. It was a crime of passion. Did that make you feel sexy, pooping outside? No, it made me feel like a dog. Oh, of course not. Yeah, it was like the middle of the day.

What'd you wipe with? What? I brought some toilet paper with me. Okay. Yeah. That's good. Yep. You did?

Yeah, one time I was walking over from the Squire, and I had violent diarrhea, and I had to wipe with my sock. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty common. What? Everybody's wiped their ass with a sock. It's cool. Yeah. That's why you wear socks? Everybody's wiped their ass with a sock. It's cool.

Yeah. That's why you wear socks, I think. What's the point of socks? I don't know. They're not going to be, you know. Damn, you are like a philosopher. Yeah, I know. You're getting to the bottom of it.

Yeah. That's what socks are, dude. Why do we even need them? We only need socks because we wear shoes. Why do we have shoes? Because we have feet. Yeah. Whose idea was that?

We should be walking on all fours. Exactly. Because we're just animals. Let's cut our feet off. Yeah. Let's get back to stumpline. Yeah. Whose idea was that? We should be walking on all fours. Exactly. Because we're just animals. Let's cut our feet off. Yeah. Let's get back to stump life. Yeah, let's switch it on. Let's take our limb, our arms, and make them our feet.

And then make our feet our hands. Wear pants, or wear like a shirt on your legs, and wear like pants on your... Yeah. Wear a diaper on your torso. So you just went opposite day. You have a diaper on your head. torso so you just went opposite day you have a diaper on your head that lawrence guy today this hobo we ran into who walked he was screaming at a car saying that he would kill everyone in the car and then he came up to us and he saw me and he came up and approached

with violent crazy eyes just malevolent and he went michael i was like no i'm sam and then he looks at my shirt and i had a nikola jokic shirt on and he's like Michael? And I was like, no, I'm Sam. And then he looks at my shirt, and I had a Nicola Jokic shirt on, and he's like, Michael. And I was like, no, that's, he plays for the Nuggets. And he's like, oh, he's a Nugget. Fellas, I'm a lost soul. Yep. I've been out for too long. The night is my blanket.

Look at this hernia. Yeah, he lifts up his shirt, and he has a giant, like, vortex wound on his stomach. What the fuck? This looks like it's spinning, like you're going to get hypnotized. And then he was like. It did. It was fucking awful. Yeah, it was.

It looked like some kind of, like, I imagine like a dolphin's asshole looks like, you know, puckered and twisty. But you can't look away. Yeah, you have to. You'd be rude. I'm sure everyone at that hotel knows that guy, too. Well, I don't think he talked. I think he spotted us, two white guys. Yeah.

And he was like, I'm about to get some money. And then he talked kind of like a poet. And I was like, here's $20. Please, you know, move it along. But then he said, I have to earn it. Yeah. And I was like, well, if you want to fucking rub him off, that'd be great. I thought he was going to try and jerk you.

Well, if he broke out that hernia, you know, that it all shined up. Oh, no. Polished it. They wouldn't even publish that in that penthouse book. No, they wouldn't. Oh, God. Let's write some of those next level, dude. No.

No? Ew, dude. That's so gross. How fun would it be to write erotica, though, and just make money off of it? Writing the shittiest stuff. Just writing the funniest shit you can think of. Yeah, but not banging some homeless guy's hernia scar. That's bad.

Well, you don't bang it. You just finish on it. You finish in it. His creamy... Say, we're going to do surgery. His creamy scar. I think he told us a bunch of jokes that I've heard before. Yeah.

Some greatest hits. None falling down the stairs. Yeah, but he tagged that one. He was like, what's black and red and white all over? A nun falling down the stairs that you he tagged that one he was like what's black and red and white all over a nun falling down the stairs that you just kicked in the head oh

yeah that you just murdered yeah you don't need that tag I think it makes it better oh yeah yeah I don't want to get into this guy's I don't want to break down his bits

but he needed some new stuff yeah he did for sure and then he bummed a cig and he was like I need to earn that too and it's like please leave us alone. You make me nervous, sir.

He was very vulnerable, though. You'd see him... He was eloquent. Yeah. He was using a lot of big words. Yeah. He talked like some kind of cowboy poet. He's one of the better, like, griffs for a homeless guy.

Yeah, but he probably fucked a dog earlier that morning. Yeah. What was he supposed to fuck in your home? Do what you do to survive. Some other guy who's got a worse hernia scar, maybe? He said he got that hernia lifting a car on March 14th of last year, but his birthday's March 19th, so he had to do it. What did that mean?

Funniest shit ever, dude. I mean, he had moments of brilliance. He was like a great open-miker, figuring it out. The first time you see an open-miker, like, have a flash of, I'm doing it. He was in it. He's probably dead. You should steal his bit, dude. I should.

I should get a hernia scar and show it off on stage and be like, I need money. Give me some cash. Did you ever see that movie, The Dark Backward? No. It's like, it's Rob Lowe, James Caan. Who's the dude from Breakfast Club? Emilio Estevez? No.

Judd Reinhold? Yeah, Judd Reinhold. Or Judd Nelson? Judd Nelson. Judd Nelson. So it was this thing they made in the 80s, basically make fun of comedy. So it's Bill Paxton and... Oh, and he has that wound that talks.s, basically make fun of comedy. So it's Bill Paxton and... Oh, and he has that wound that talks.

Yeah, he's terrible at comedy. They both are trash men. Yeah. But then he starts growing this thing out of his back. And James Caan's like, well, I don't know. He's circling. He's like, this is your problem right here. It ends up being a hand that comes out of his back.

And then he's just telling jokes that are terrible. And he turns around and shows the hand. And everybody loses their mind. They love it, yeah. And then Wayne Newton is like the big time talent agent. He's like, I think we got something now, kid. It was so much easier to get a movie made in 1985. It's a good movie though, dude.

It's almost like, I think the Joker, they took a lot of elements from that guy in there. It's almost like Utah was influenced by it. So they just had, like, previous intellectual content that they just readapted? Yeah. I like that.

That's what they do with movies now. Who's the original Joker, though? Like, uh... I forget the original movie from, like... It's a silent film from a long time ago.

I think it's French. Like, that's what the Joker... Are you talking about Pogliacci? I don't know. Are you talking about The Clown by Heinrich Boll? No, no.

That novel's fucked up. I'll find it. Okay. Please do. Tell the people at home where they can find it. Oh, yeah. Go to my website. Go to hardr.com.

Is that what you were looking for? That was the website you were on? Sam Talent. Three boys, one hotel room. Yeah. Yeah. You're the boy tonight. Yeah, I am.

You're going to be drinking other brown liquid later. boy tonight yeah I am you're gonna be drinking other brown liquid later oh yeah do you guys have anything you wanna plug where can they find you uh show tonight

in Luxembourg yeah yeah come on out guys save our souls check out my book uh running the

running the bright rubbing the lights rubbing the lights I just I bro'd it and uh people like it. Yeah, Donnie's from Davenport, Iowa, so if you're ever there, just shake a can of screws near the post office,

and he'll come out of a tree. And we'll get a bowl of pho. Yeah, and he'll explain to you why Sandy Hook didn't happen. I mean, that's one I can't get into. Yeah. I like conspiracy theories. I haven't even looked into it. Good.

Keep it that way. Some of that stuff's just fun. It's kind of weird. It's not fun. Well, not that, but it's more interesting to tell people that Joe Biden is a clone than it is to actually watch the news. Sure. And pass that off as real. Yeah.

Whatever fucking charade they're giving you. Mm-hmm, yeah. No, they're all clones. They're all CGI'd. It's all fucking... You see behind the veil. Yeah. You're a free man.

I guess. I just never cared anyway. Ryan, favorite conspiracy theory, go. Jews control the weather. All right, we got to get out of here. Oh, good God. It's Frank Hall. That's Ryan Graham, everyone.

You can check his stuff out on stormfront.com. I do a weekly column. Yeah. It's really taking off. He's been writing a lot for Owen Benjamin. Enjoy my mailing list. Yes. Donnie, favorite conspiracy theory?

Hmm. I like, uh, like, aliens knocking women up. Okay. Yeah. Like, it's a up. Okay. Yeah. Like, it's a thing that there's a lot of women that claim they were impregnated by certain types of aliens. Okay. Like, sometimes they say, like, it'll come to them in a dream, and it's, like, the most beautiful, like, specimen they're attracted to, like, in their subconscious. But then they'll see, like, a crack through the CGI, and they'll see, like, a reptilian under it.

So women just have a wet dream and they think they're Well no but then they're pregnant then they get pregnant but then the alien comes back in three months and they extract Is that what happened

to Mary? Well yeah apparently like with gray aliens the reason they look like that is because they're all fucked up from radiation. So they want to

heal their DNA with ours. So but that's what they do. There's some terrible documentaries where you see these half alien, half human. Those aren't documentaries. That's just pornography. Yeah, but they're all in jars.

Like formaldehyde. I would hate to be in a jar. Where'd my water go? You took my jug. Oh, it's back here. Nice try. Yeah, I like the UFO stuff a lot I like UFOs

my dad loves UFOs well that's uh this has been a weird episode everybody but uh this is what happens when I'm on the road with the boys

Lund's back in Trinidad oh please go see this Trinidad video for the Trinidad Comedy Festival you can see us down there me and Lund

that video I showed you last night of Nathan singing? Uh-huh. Guys, please find it. I'll have Becker post a link. It is one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life. It's two and a half minutes of drone footage of this guy riding a mountain bike, and then he pulls up on Lund, and he's like, Nathan Lund,

what are you doing here? And Lund's like, hey, Patrick, here we go. And then he sings a song. Anyway, I'm not doing a good job. No. lun's like hey patrick here we go and then he sings a song anyway i'm not doing a good job no it's like promo for this festival it's insanely bad it's like art it's so bad um but yeah check that out everyone now if you want to see me i'm gonna be in davenport iowa on wednesday at the renwick mansion with none other than Donnie Townsend, Andrew Rudick, Gabe Kea, and... Nick Butler. Nick Butler, that's right.

It's a hot show. Leave it to Davenport, Iowa to book a white man only show in 2021. Then I'm going to be in Indianapolis on Thursday, everyone. Black Circle or Black Shirt Brewing. Check it out. SamTalent.com. If you didn't like this episode, I don't blame you. We said a lot of things, but don't tell Lund.

Was it not good? I think it was good. I know Nathan's going to hear about this and be like, oh my god. Yeah. But Nathan's a good guy. Yeah. He's good. Yeah.

Follow Ryan Graham at The Graham Cracker. And Dusty Donnie on Instagram. Yeah. Soak them beans. Soak them beans, everyone. Truer words were never said. Stop slurping. You were slurping way too much in this episode.

Sorry, dude. People hate slurping. Why were you fake drinking coffee for most of it? Oh, dude, that's why I have stuff like this. It's a compulsive drink. How nervous were you? I'm not nervous. You kept fake drinking out of a cup that was empty.

I don't know, dude. Oh, I'm still recording this. Shit.