Chubby Behemoth - VPN & VTN

Episode Date: April 24, 2023

Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Forced Judaism. A Bunch Of Blades. You Know Where It Is.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth  

oh this meeting is being recorded you guys you guys are my work buddies now what are you on break what you on break he's break yeah i'm i'm broken i'm shattered i am indian pottery on the on a riverbed that's been dried up forever. No one can put me back together. Too much Cajun wine. I think I had 35 Bud Lights last night. And that is an estimate that has been corroborated by multiple people. What was the time frame for those 35 bls

jesus christ five o'clock until 2 a.m so what is that nine hours that is nine hours but you know how it works at the end of the night you just start ramping up more and more but you know how it works at the end of the night you just start ramping up more and more yeah pad your stats yeah well i wanted everyone to think i was the coolest guy i saw a video of you hoisting the bride and groom in their chairs maybe against their will because they are not Jewish? Was that forced Judaism? Yes, we were trying to feed them to God. We were trying to put them

in the mouth of the Lord. No, she was Jew. She switched sides. She is Jew. He is Caj cajun never the two shall meet caju this is the first time these two have ever been locked together in holy matrimony k jewish yes so i'm i'm i haven't been this hungover since I was probably 20 or 21 years old. Your eyes are closed.

I don't feel good. I feel terrible. I wish you didn't have a shirt on. Like last episode, the last episode. Well, I guess there was a little pain involved, a little airport frustration. But this is physical agony. And I wish you were nude. It would probably help

i wish i was nude and i wish i was laying face down in a bathtub and that i wasn't breathing and that i was dead i wish that i was i wish i was a nude corpse and my friends had to find me who would find you sophie's down there yeah she wouldn't find me she's too busy putting on makeup who's who's in the airbnb duddy's here my daddy's here and uh and sophie's friend emily is here too sophie's friend emily also known as your wife or is this a different that's that's right yeah you're distancing yourself yeah well she was pretty problematic last night so for the good of my career i have to distance myself she had 32 bud lights

oh my god and while you're getting drunk noah's there so it's like i just want to clobber him there was a black guy at the after party who had a cowboy hat on and noah kept trying to put it on and the guy was clearly not into it yeah yeah i had a cowboy hat on because i was at a wedding and everyone was like well this guy's cool and the black cowboy approached his name was tommy and he said i see you there big man and noah was jealous that a black guy was talking to me so he tried to put on the guy's hat and that's not what you do like take it off of his head or was he leaving it at like a table and noah would sneak over no he never took it off his head no one tried to nab it off like a really like a real deal like black cowboy like cut from fucking onyx and noah's like let me put it on yeah let me bug you also

noah was looking at his fidelity account at the acadia mall and I saw how much money he has. Did that drive you to drink 35 BLs? No, I wanted to, I literally was like, look, everyone, there's a cool guy at the wedding and it's Sam T. I was getting them two by two. What do you mean? I had, I just, I would order two beers every time I went up to the point where the lady just had them ready for me because I was tipping egregiously.

Yeah. Yeah. And I don't feel good. I don't feel good now. Does Noah have too much money or a sadly low amount of money? Look, man, I can neither confirm or deny either way. On this podcast, we made a meal out of making fun of his dead cousin. And I think talking about his money is even worse.

Okay. I think airing whatever fiscal situation he's in would be inappropriate. And we named his cousin who had a weird tiny disease who fell down the stairs to death toad. So just let, just let that, let that be your guideposts as far as it's now i can't stop imagining him falling down so many stairs like a never-ending amount of stairs to death because it only takes one or two if you if you fall right but i like to imagine he died of like thirst because he fell downstairs for a

week and a half yeah he was long dead before he hit the bottom a byzantine temple or something where it's just constant i'm thinking about the final scene in surf ninjas i don't remember you don't remember surf ninjas i know i don't remember the end with kato and uh rob schneider lu kang yeah kato's in there kato from ninja turtles too yeah ernie reyes jr oh okay okay yes ernie reyes jr i was thinking of Kato Kalin. No, not O.J. Simpson trial. Yeah, the cool Kato.

The real Kato. Oh, this got me too. I saw a news article about how this young man performed a haka at his mom's graduation ceremony. She received a bachelor's degree in something.

And I meant to see what some old bitch. I was hoping to be something funny, like typing. But so he performed a haka by himself. And it was cool. You know, the haka is pretty neat. But I was culturally appropriate. Yeah. Yeah.

This is not some white guy yeah he's okay maori um and that was great but then i started to tickle myself because i thought about like a tribe of warriors who would perform a haka and then like go destroy a village every time somebody that they knew got a bachelor's degree and it just happening constantly where like every every other weekend it's just like you know an entire village gets like raised to the ground because this tribe had to like celebrate a lady getting a bachelor's in like you know becoming a nurse or something it's's like, oh no, not again. Just all the neighboring villages being terrified because they had these successful women that were causing hakas to be performed

and then plundering as a result. That would be funny. Just in several islands on fire. That would be a funny thing to happen, yes. Intellectually, as a comedic thought exercise, I agree. That would, in fact, be humorous. Very good. Thank you.

Only 59 more minutes to fill. That's right. Thank God. What else? Thank God you brought that fully fleshed out premise to us. And I couldn't do anything with it because my brain is full of needles and broken glass. I think I'm still drunk. I'm touching myself right now.

Yeah, you forgot you're on camera. I literally did. You're jacking it. Because my eyes were closed, I forgot you guys could see me. We're looking at you. Yeah, the world is watching i asked pat he was out there and he was not invited it's not no he wasn't he's the only there's there's a crew there's a contingent of denver comics out there you got the rep moreno family the rep moreno contingency is here and noah and we did a show in lafayette on friday again to the houston people rescheduled for june i'm sorry we did a show in

lafayette and a local cajun comedian named something art tyler arsenault opened and this is cajun country and then rup went up and had a very nice set and then moreno went up and you know si se puede and then um buried rough noah went up and my god were they confused it did not go well for our friend little noah well that is perfect because at least at comedy works he had to go up first and so yes it's a tough spot especially for somebody as eclectic and unique as him but then for the for the for a great lead-in to lead to another bomb is funny nathan it went so bad for our little friend and i don't know if i should say i don't know if he he bombed uh at the comedy works but he wasn't happy come especially like patrick crushed i crushed

josh went so poorly that i'm calling you nathan that's how serious this is it was to the point where emily i she was sitting in front of the green room door with with moreno and after like three minutes i just heard her say oh my god somebody called 9-1-1 he was asking for local middle schools so he could do his bits he was trying to get local references from lane and then he went up the ghetto part of town exactly and he like he already did the research so he's like should i say like uh should i say like more reese is that is that a good reference and lane he was like is that a shithole and lame was like well i'm from there dude the only the only big laugh that he got was when he said uh yeah i'm scared i'm in a new place

and i don't feel good about it. Like on stage. Yeah. Yeah. And it was all of Lane's family and all of Rachel's family. Yes. They liked the honesty and fear. And then Lane went up and he said, so that's my son. We make him talk that way so we can get money from the government. Yeah.

Lane making fun of how somebody talks. Yes. Yes. We make it, we make it yes yes we make it we make him we make him do that kind of stuff so we can board the airplane first so lane goes up and he does right after right after noah so noah was the man who they'd never seen anyone talk as fast as noah all these swamp people yeah and then lane went up and you know cajuns are just white guys who get away with doing the voice that's like their whole thing day walkers yeah exactly just a bunch of blades so lane's up there like a swim into a jump into river for money you know like he did a bunch of bits about like piggly wiggly and like local parish politics absolutely crushing you know like i couldn't

understand the last five minutes because his accent got so thick he was like oh what you're not a hana yeah i couldn't i went up lucha in laps either, but he was crushing. Oh, he's really, really funny. And also, it was literally in his bayou. Yeah, they were his people. He's king of the Cajuns, and he has a top knot. I went up.

I had a really fun set. It was a good time. But I definitely talked about how it was a jewish cajun wedding and you can imagine the humorous foibles involved in that kind of merger uh and then about 30 minutes in i realized that i had to hang out was you know i one of my favorite jokes was yeah you know it's a cajun and jewish wedding uh and it's fun to see these two uh two cultures get together in fact tomorrow uh lane's gonna have a five-piece zydeco band well rachel talked him down to three piece same price so it was a lot of that kind of stuff about

jewing and then i looked out to just like a face of new jersey jewish people and i was like oh fuck i have to hang out with you guys tomorrow yeah they're gonna give you their reviews one by one all of they did well it's crazy because like lane lane's family is a bunch of like you know cage fighting nutria hunters like there were people at the wedding wearing like you know dirty minekey hats and then rachel comes from like very nice people uh new york and new jersey so it was a real real winter summer romance situation is that what that means winter summer i don't know if that means two very different families oh i don't either i lost my phone though at the wedding i left my left my phone in the uber driver's car so i didn't have a phone the whole time so i pull

up to the wedding i leave it in there and then as soon as I realize it's gone, Andrew Polk shows up and listeners of the pod, no Polk. He's been on, he's a, the devil. So he gets out of his car and he walks up and I tell him, I was like,

Hey, Hey buddy. I left my phone in the car. And immediately he says, you left my phone in the car and immediately he says you left your phone so if i were to have sent you a text message does just my name show up on the phone or can you read the whole message and i was like you can read the whole message and he said oh no oh no Oh, no. Oh, no. And then he said,

from where is your Uber driver's family from? Yes. He was like, is your Uber driver the kind of person who can watch a movie quietly? Jesus Christ.

He was like, our messages can't just be out there sam we have to engage protocol zero like right away he was very you could only think about and then i saw the message he sent me today when i got my phone back and i understood why he was nervous back and i understood why he was nervous was he making fun of lane's family he was just making fun maybe rachel's family he was what's not like the driver could access the phone let alone look through a bunch of no but like on my screen it shows you like what the message says but there would have been other alerts and stuff taking up that space right so it's not like it would have been the only text that you yeah would have missed yeah but if he

would have like clicked on the screen even without unlocking the phone it would have he had the keys to the castle oh yeah you should have just blackmailed me did you get your phone back i got it back today i didn't have it all evening that's probably good you were able to enjoy the wedding more oh i didn't i wasn't upset that it was gone yeah the wedding was beautiful it was in a church it was in like a chapel deep in the swamp um alex luchin was there a bunch of new orleans people were there it was very much true detective territory like this was the yellow king's castle is where we were and they did the uh the tour what's the thing the thing where they dance in a circle the that one one, the Jewish one So they did that

I don't know what it's called Well, I think it's called the Havana Gila And Noah refused to join in Which was very confusing Yeah, what the fuck Why I don't know, but Lane announced it He's like, hey, we're going to do the Havana Gila

So if you know what that shit is, come on up here We're going to do the Man havenagila so if you know what that shit is come on we're gonna do the manish evans waltz in a second yeah so get on up here you jewish freaks i mean so they do that and then we lift him up and we do the chair thing and then the funniest thing maybe that has ever happened at a wedding uh so they do the speeches and rachel's mom and dad talk lane's stepdad and then his mom goes up and lane has like four wild country aunts named like johnette and like momi and they love me they just love me from the show grab it oh yeah yeah yeah and also i'm wearing my cowboy hat i'm wearing my pink jacket like There was nowhere to hide. You're 6'6".

I'm 6'6". 6'7 and boots. 380. Yeah. Wait, what are the websites? 5'10"? 80 kilos? Yeah, like 80.

Yeah. What the fuck? I don't know what that is in pounds, but I'll bet it's a lot. So Lane's mom goes up and she's a beautiful woman. Uh, and she says, oh, this is just, this has just been so nice. You know, I'm just so moved by everyone who flew in from all over to be here on my baby boy special day. We got people from Coloradoado we got people from

new york and new jersey and it was just so great to see y'all together and when y'all got up here and did that little spin dance whatever that shit was that's a direct quote when y'all came up here and did that little spin dance whatever that shit was and the room erupts in laughter because she's not trying to be funny and then one of lane's aunts is standing next to me and when lane's mom says that one of the aunts puts up her hand to high five me. Jaunette high-fived me. And, like, the rest, like, Rachel's family is, like, horrified because she just totally trivialized their ancient cult

ritual. Yeah. Meanwhile, Jaunette's high-fiving my ass. Score one for the swamp people how they gonna come back that way how they gonna come back from this one it was oh dude i mean i buckled at the yeah just the whatever the shit that was in a thick accent got me so hard but then i turn John, it's there with a big high five. An alligator doing the worm.

Yeah. That's a knockout blow for Team L'Oreal. Dude, it was just the water boy. We were just in the water boy. Dude, when she high-fived me, I almost, like, fucking puked on the back of Isaac Cozell's head.

I grabbed her by the shoulder. I mean, everyone can corroborate that Lane's mom totally shat upon the Jewish relationship. She wasn't trying to be nasty. No, but yeah, funny way to bring up something

that she wasn't sure how to describe. I'm going to call Emily. Why? Because I want her to come in and I can't remember the other thing that the mom said, but after

she said whatever that shit was, she said something else afterward that was like a tag to it. Hold on a minute. Emmy! Emmy!

Emmy, come dump him out oh man people were dumping him too i don't know if you know this sam but so sophie told me after the show that when i came on stage emmy said to everyone and no one maybe to herself most of all whoa lunch hot so oh dude people been saying that on the youtube comments that pretty cool yeah but these aren't just people this is your wife i mean she's barely people oh i got this i got her and miriam been crewed up there they're problematic together go ahead uh well i just something else i don't want to forget uh my landlord was down here the last couple days and she mentioned you know she had told me about the bird or the bears and how one lives nearby and she said that i she said to me and megan that we should mark the outside of the territory the the land you know the the

the land that she's got and she suggested we pee outside yeah yes that rules and then she she had been she had been in the backyard a lot and she goes i've yeah i've been i've been peeing back there today and i was like oh okay so she's been pissing in your backyard he was whizzing i mean it's hers right i guess i mean she's squatting back there so there's no squatters wrongs you know you know what we should do is we should have uh the patrons send in jars of their own urine to help you mark your land no no yeah how about no i think so i've got it i can take care of it if you have the 20 patreon tier you have lun's return address so just go ahead and start sending him jars of your urine please no you're helping him

sending him jars of your urine please no you're helping him no i can just pee out there i've got maybe it'll be great maybe i'll take a little special trip down there and help you out you can yeah you can come down and pee down here i don't need jars of whiz just mountain dew and coffee so much emmy's been to the bathroom five times today she's dumped for a total of like three and a half hours today whoa yeah because she went from vegan to like you know eating entire crawdads and budan and drinking bud light blood sausage oh dude the sausage you should have seen the portions they served at this fucking wedding barely a thimble full what yeah i don't want to say that lane's mom was right about their traditions but uh i will say that various people came up to me and said you're not gonna believe it when you get up there you're not gonna

and then i was like it can't be that bad and then i got up there and it was worse than i could ever imagine you guys would have spat i thought about becker and you right away i was like they would they would burn this place to the ground yeah if they it's it was if if you were able to go back up then there's an argument that it's that because we got we got screwed out of having some of the stuff at Kevin Amare's wedding, the fucking Elote, because people were left to their own devices. So if you can go back up. Maybe it would be OK. Did you were able to get seconds or not? If you went back up, you were made to feel like a unwashed beast by the catering staff

well were they were they using like a third of the plate bro they were giving imagine a ladle all right you know like one of those serving spoons. Now imagine if just the tip of the serving spoon had rice on it. That was without any comedic hyperbole, the amount of rice you were served. We're talking 20 grains. And there was an enormous amount of food left over. It wasn't like there was weak amounts. There was prime rib and there was crab cakes. And if you tried to get more than one crab cake,

it was like you said a slur in a tongue-only they understood. Dude, Emily asked for crab cake sauce on her rice, and the lady looked at the sauce, looked back at her, and just shook her head slowly. the hell was going on were they trying to make that one like catering job last yeah yeah we got another wedding at 10 so we're trying to double dip yeah they were like uh that's actually just for the crab cakes and emily was like well pretend you're pouring it on my crab cake, but poured on my rice. And the lady went,

okay. Like it was an insane request. And then they had, they had three different types of boudin sausage cut into little rings. And you got one little pepperoni of, of each sausage. So there were three piles of sausage and you were served one pepperoni of each sausage so there were three piles of sausage and you were served one pepperoni ring of each one i've never seen anything like it how mad were you were you like

starving so you were pissed or what are you were blackout so you didn't care no so i retained all of the knowledge of my events last night that's why you drank so much you're like this fucking sucks i literally said it really loud to one of the grandmas i said this is a fucking joke and the lady shrugged and smoked another cigarette inside even though she was asked not to the lady was firing him up becker style a 90 year old woman and the zydeco band came on grandma chach or whatever her name is grandma zanzibar old old louise uh she said can you believe people pay to listen to this bullshit it's like the music of her people yeah it was it was awesome dude wonder what she's cranking in the

fucking chevy oh i don't know uh dude they played a lot of mystical last night that was a lot of just like like little boozy there was a lot of like new orleans bounce shit they were playing and I was going off. And all Lane's aunts and his mom are like twerking. They're like 70 year old women. Dumping them. Shaking their things. They didn't have them.

They're very, very svelte women. Come on. I know. But there were people dumping. There was there was an accidental dump you said that earlier yeah someone had to go run and put a bra on because they kept slipping out were you right there i was i was close enough to know better let's just say that i noticed it a couple hours ahead of time and i didn't

i didn't signal the alarm right you didn't tell anybody you're like no this is just i told i told one person i've been good i nudged someone and said be cool one little man did you trust noah and he didn't blow it or what? Noah didn't blow it. Neither did another person or another guy that we know. Yeah. Polk. No,

Polk. He's not turned on by breast. Yeah. Polk doesn't like a shapely figure. No. Yeah. He was turned on by the idea of Noah in a bathing suit. He was turned on by the idea of you not being able to eat as much as you would like.

Well, so Polk is allergic to shrimp. Oh, yeah. He can't eat anything. Rice and bread and salt. He's allergic to everything. So last night, Emmy, when we went went to leave went to give him a kiss on the cheek and he like face palmed her away and said no you were eating shrimp you'll kill me whoa it's that intense yes he was like yeah if you ate shrimp then you kiss me i'll break out so he like he smushed her face that's my move and then me and alex luchen went on a walk of the property and we came upon this weird man

in the woods wearing like a brent gill like sweat wicking tie-dye shirt tucked in in a boonie hat and he was with the german shepherd and he we come upon him and we're like oh hey and he's like y'all boys on a walk pretty good night for a walk out here then he goes on to tell us how he is the he i tend to the land i make sure the trees stay trees and the grass stay grass and the dirt don't get too brown or too dry and we're like okay with my urine yeah so he just i mean i don't even know if he was real i think that because i did eat a little mushrooms last night i think me and lucian just hallucinated him but he took us to this weird car graveyard like deep in the bush where they had like a 1942 like school bus and a bunch of shit you would have been rock hard for becker yeah i'd have been pingo you would have loved it and yeah he tells us they send the boys down here so i can teach them how to

get with the girls the girls don't know how to talk to the boys and the boys don't know how to talk to the girls but i tell them you let the girl come to you and then you never have to come anywhere but the girl and we always just like i gotta i have to leave i have to go sir every step you take i done peed on that part of the ground i can tell you tell you that much i pee everywhere i go sometimes i pee while i'm walking and you probably never done that before and you were like sir uh that's my move yeah hey check it out sir i can do it backwards yeah you've you've shown you've shown off a few dives with the backwards walk and piss it's the only way to do it you did it in fort collins who

were we it was us and patrick or somebody else yeah like everyone loves it let's do a quick backwards walk and piss right by this church yeah it's it's kind of like my move show him who's boss well i've said it you and sharpie and bobby all did it in paris i was the odd man out in that one i didn't feel like walking and pissing i think it's a i think it's a totally fine maneuver and that's uh it's insane no one can be mad at you it's not insane it's completely insane it's one thing if you're like oh i have to whiz and then you like find a dark corner or something an alley but you guys just like no i'll just walk right here and piss and it's fine because my friends are cheering me on. It's got to be cool. And I don't know.

Not for me. Maybe when I was drinking. You love the rules, dude. That's your thing. No, it's probably mostly because I'm not drinking. If I were drinking, I would whiz on your head. I would just pee everywhere I went. I peed in the fountain at the Bellagio.

Oh, yeah, you did. But that was a nice little secret. Nobody knew but me. I kept telling Noah to go up and fart on my wife's head last night, and he refused. Yeah. It's like if you tell him to do something cool, he'll say no, and then he decides to do stuff on his own that you would never green light.

His brain doesn't work that good. I wanted to kill him last night. Because of the black dude with the cowboy hat or others? The cowboy hat issue was no. So there was a kind of a charm to that. But at the end of the night, when the bar closed, I was like, okay, me and Emily are going to get a car. And then, hold on, Emmy's here. Emmy.

What? Do you remember what Lane's mom said last night in her speech? She said, it's so nice having you all here and doing whatever that was. And the room died. Talking about the Hoka. The Haka. Yeah, that's right. The Jewish Haka.

The Haka Poka. She said it like almost disgusted a little bit. Like, whatever that was when y'all did did that ring dance shit all right i love you get out what was the other thing though there was something else she's gone now oh good well i'm glad she didn't remember the other thing oh yeah no at the end of the night he was like i'm just gonna walk back to the hotel it was like an hour walk and i'm like dude you're walking through like

downtown lafayette at 2 a.m looking like you do yeah you're on the mark dude you're gonna get got glow-in-the-dark skin looking looking scared looking like you have some money that will be practically free right uh for anybody who comes up to you he just has he has victim body well and he got jumped you know he and his brother got jumped in mexico so it's not like he'd just be able to shake that off and walk with confidence you You got to walk like Stone Cold. You know, you have to have Stone Cold's theme going through your head. So you can walk with purpose like you're about to kick somebody's ass. And it doesn't have to be you if you just keep your mouth shut.

So you keep your head down and walk by, you know, because that guy is on his way to fight somebody. So also it works more for me and you than it would for him but it could maybe work for him well we made him share his location with us here in new orleans so we know where he is at all times did he also did he do the walk or no he may did the walk and i was like just wait for us we're gonna get a car just wait dude listen to listen to how affordable lafayette is last night at the bar i was just like hey i got the tab this is my gift for the wedding so i put my bar down or my card down at the bar that's insane you don't even like lane i like lane Lane. I like his family. We've been bonding. There's like 30 people this after party

and Lord knows I had at least I probably had 12 Bud Lights just my own while I was there. I thought you meant the reception. 200 bucks with tip. Was it a bad tip? No. It was like

I think it was 170 and I left 35. 12%. Yeah, it's a pretty bad tip. What, for opening Bud Lights? You guys aren't fucking soldiers, Lund. All right. Well, I'm just saying. That is, yeah.

That's a dollar a drink for sure. No, it's not. Yeah, it is, dude. You guys think you're like fucking frontline heroes like you're no no but yeah you guys steal valor worse than fucking old dudes at the mall it's not it's not tenders act like they're like oh yeah man another another eight hours of hell. You know, it's like, shut up. It's not the amount of effort required to open a beer.

It's that you guys were having a really good time. And it was thanks to the bar and the bartenders keeping you pissing your pants. Bud light in each hand. Oh, yeah. No, this was at the reception afterward. This was at a second location. At the actual wedding, there was an open bar, and the first time I went up, I had a 20 in hand,

and I went to put it in, and she turned her head, so I tipped that 20 on two beers, and she didn't see it. So the next time I came up, I had to repeat the process to let her know I was cool. So now I'm down 40. And at the end of the night, they're trying to stop it. They're trying to, you know, okay, no more of you beasts. I come up, I say, I got a 20 right here that says I can have four bud lights. She was like, yes, you do. I was in 60 on one lady at the wedding and yes did she over serve me yes is it all her fault that i'm not gonna make it through tonight yes i'm a little baby i'm not okay and also i have a show

in like a half an hour and if i hadn't already been paid for the show, do you think I can just cancel and keep the money? No, I have to go, right? Do the show. Yeah. You got to do it. I don't want to though.

Where, where is it? Nola. Yeah. Where? Some private club called sports drink. Oh, weird.

Yeah. I gave the guy like a fuck off number. Like, and he was like, all right, what's your Venmo? So he sent me the money, and now I got to go do the show? Who else is doing it?

I don't know. Noah, Miriam, Rupp, Polk. Maybe I just let them do it, and I'll keep the money, and they get to do a cool show. Do like 15. Maybe I'll do a Q& do a q and on i'll hit him with a yeah chris katan style q and on q and a oh yeah he had he's had some some weird shows huh i think he was okay when i know he was weird when i i worked i've worked with him not that long ago and he had think he was okay when i know he was weird when i i worked i worked with him not that

long ago and he had weird he was like hyper fixated on one couple in the crowd and he wouldn't stop just like asking them normal questions he weren't he wasn't he wasn't turning anything into something funny he was just like learning about them and just like oh wow that's fascinating oh yeah and where do you work and then just where do you work just like learning about their lives where did you work with chris katan recently this is a wally wallace joint no comedy works i guess it wasn't recent it was probably like five years ago oh okay yeah but it was not great i don't think people were someone someone told me about opening up for chris katan i think in pittsburgh and he like was buying substances i don't know if they were illegal or not off of someone and the person who was selling him said substances took all of his

money and his phone and chris katan like chased him down the street and was like, can I please have my phone back? I would really like to have my phone. And the guy was like, I don't think so. And Chris Kattan was like, well, I'm going to call the cops. And the guy was like, well, first of all, think about why we're engaged in business right now. You're going to call the cops and say that. And also, I have your phone. You're not going to be able to do anything.

And Chris Kattan was like, very well. And just walked away. Yikes. Yeah. And again, I think he was just buying Legos or Lincoln Logs. I don't know what he was buying. I'm sure it was Legos. It was probably Legos. Isaac Kozel was telling me about how cool you were that night

in New Orleans. Remember? I was feeling himself. I don't think you came out. I think you ate too many Crystal Burgers. This was the night that Becker was like, there was that hot black chick. Yeah. Wouldn't leave you alone. At LaFoot's or what? Is that what it was?

LaFoot's Blacksmith shop. Yeah. Yeah. And you like, Isaac was like, yeah, there was a moment where like, so Becker was talking to me and then Vincent Zambon was there and he turned to Zambon and gave a little witty one liner. And as he did that, he turned and he lit that black girl's cigarette and winked at her and i was like who the fuck is this guy i've never seen anyone hold court more effectively than jacob becker right now

he's like whenever i listen to the pod i just think about becker and how he might have been the peak cool of anyone i've ever seen in that moment. Wow. That's insane. Yeah. Oh, sorry. The, uh, the black motorcycle club is next door. Yeah. And I don't mean the black, I don't mean the black rebel motor club. I just mean there's a bunch of black guys who are motorcycle revving their shit. Yeah. Uh, are you staying in the city? Yeah, we're

like in the quarter. Nice. Yeah, I wish you guys were here. I miss you guys. I miss you too. I wish I was there too where you could eat a bunch of gross po'boys. Yeah, I went and got a muffaletta today. I guess I was supposed to save half of it for my

sister and dad but emily went to the bathroom for the fifth time and i was alone for three minutes so i ate it all was it huge it's like a hubcap a whole muffaletta and i ate half of it and then she was gone for like five minutes and she came back and she's like wait where's the sandwich and i was like uh uh you you know where it is and she was like that was for your dad and sister and i said well tell them we lost it tell them we forgot it shut up oh man yeah we didn't that we didn't get a muffaletta while we were there it's unfortunate that sounds really good it was good and i i mean i just feel so bad about the sandwich it didn't help and now what i? And also, Sophie's here.

Sophie's here, which you know what that means. You have to drink with me or you're glad that mom is dead. You know, like that level of manipulation. My mom died so you have to do whatever I want forever. Forever, yeah. Well, she was my mom, too. Longer than you.

Doesn't matter. I know. So I got a fucking chainsaw with feet in the next room. Oh, dude. Look at this. Look what they got that they're wearing tonight. Sophie, Miriam, and Emily. Oh, boy.

God. Are there three or is it does somebody have to share bitch one or bitch two with somebody else so there's bitch one two and three but sophie was upset that she wasn't bitch one oh my lord who's she wanted to be bitch one miriam i guess oh no yeah so there's beef about who's the number one bitch oh god i those of course those shirts are so ridiculous everyone's gonna get robbed yeah and also they'll be okay noah has one that says i'm drunk here's my breathalyzer and it's an arrow pointing down to his dick that makes it seem like he's sucking his own dick i know which is pretty cool i'm drunk here's my fertilizer implies yeah that he's checking by sucking his own dick every half damn well yeah i like the idea of noah walking behind the three bitches so that they're the setup and he's like the huge punch line

shit he's just he's just a moon orbiting bitch planet. Yeah, it should be your drunk. Here's my breathalyzer. Yeah, no, it's not good. Then you got blackout drunk gay dudes that are kneeling in front of him, making him trip because they want a piece. Bro, I want that to happen for him so bad. Well, he got the wrong shirt. Instead, he's going to have a very specific blackout, drunk, gay dude who wants to watch him as his own D.

Or jacket. God, I want Noah to get glorped by a fella down here. That's the only cure to my hangover. Watching or knowing you might watch him you might want to suck another dick on stage metaphorically well god bless him dude he's funny turn it around but not less not in lafayette apparently i'm afraid i'm uncomfortable in a new place. Well, I'm sure we've talked about how there's just so many people have an idea of what they want or expect stand up to be. And if it's not that they can get angry, they can reject it instead of I always like the weirdos because like, oh, God, i didn't expect this you know that's a good thing but some people fucking eat at applebee's in texas roadhouse because they don't want to be surprised or they don't want to try something new i would imagine he'll be okay in new orleans who wants to watch a child have a panic attack i do i think it's great yeah there's something about it that is

fun especially i mean noah does a good job of blurring the line where you don't know how much of it is real nerves and how much is the act i don't like when somebody is very very much like definitely doing a gimmick or a character i think that can be that can feel too cutesy and noah doesn't do that it feels like noah's like mostly he's like for you know like this is this is the argument they always say of like well yeah if you're a billionaire of course you start fucking kids because like that's all that's left after you've had everything else noah's comedy is the equivalent of kid fucking who says that everybody uh i guess yeah i mean that's what terrence the minor attracted leprechaun nobody's been clamoring for terrence to come back on the show

a lot of people have said i don't know that if that's true. Well, I mean, I haven't read everything, but I feel like I would have gotten an impression if there would have been enough positive feedback. I've seen people say, I've seen people say how they're like, I don't know if they're surprised how stoned Becker looks, but it's like, yeah, you've you can watch him get high now. It's in the video. Yeah, I'm getting it. I'm doing it. Wait, is that going to hurt our algorithm? You using narcotics? No, it's good for the elk.

Benson's allowed to do it. I don't think it'll hurt us at all. I don't know. Yeah, Len doesn't know. I think this will hurt us worse than the weed. Well, then maybe knock it off. Fire up a dart. Hey, it's his time, too.

I don't think it's affecting our algorithm right now. Yeah, things are going well. We're having a nice time. What fucking time is it? Oh, shit. I got to bail soon. How long have we been on here? We have like another eight minutes.

All right, sick. We can do that easy. You're getting a little bit more color in your face. Are you feeling a little better? Yeah, your eyes are open. The muscle is working. It's nice to talk to the guys, but I really wish I wasn't around anymore. Dad, get out of here. Dad, get out of here.

Daddy. Get out of here. Tell Daddy to sing us a song. A 70-year-old Cherokee woman just came into my room. An ancient indigenous bride came in to sell me her wares.

Everybody's going to the show. He looks like an old Indian woman. Are they going to go to the show or no? I don't know. He just told me to wrap it up. What's he know? He knows your schedule. He's trying to help. Is it an early show? Or is it East Coast?

We're at Central Time, so it starts at 7.30. Okay. You're going to go to the pink house you're gonna have another fish oh my god that fish oh god i want to go to the uh i want to go to the waffle house and get a job just chill you know we have to go to mexico bro i know and look i'm super grateful but i just want to i'm slurms mckenzie dude i'm total slurm i just want to watch a movie with friends

i just want to stay in man oh yeah i saw you got the you got the counter going again this is day five of 41 away from home is that correct 41 days away you're nuts man you're a psycho no it's all right dude ecuador will be a chill time i can just finish my next book and eat a bunch of fucking hedgehogs and gerbils. When are you in Ecuador? Uh, yo voy,

uh, Ecuador, uh, para tres semanas and Mayo. Okay. So after I'm done with your ass in Mexico, I fly to Ecuador. Oh oh you're down there from cabo yeah from cabo to ecuador and then i when i'm done in ecuador i fly to fucking indianapolis

to go to the indianapolis 500 with the are you garbage guys whoa whoa yeah i. It's great. I'm really happy. But please. You're a race car guy. I am. I'm a car guy now. You're a rumor. I think we have pit passes, Becker. What? Yeah, dude. I think we're in it.

How's Foley going to fit through the hallway? I don't know what the hallway is, but he is quite big. The tunnels for the drivers are narrow. Oh, God. What about me? You'll fit, but Foley's like two of you. Foley is very broad. Is he a tall dude, too?

Is he big all over? He's like a port-a-potty on its side. Yeah, it's like what if Mitch ate Sam? Whoa. Yeah, exactly. And then fell over. Maybe I'm a big car guy now.

Dude, do it. I learned some car stuff. Yeah. So you got two axles. You got four tires. You got a steering wheel engine. Engine number nine. They run on gas.

You need suspension. And that's all the important bits. All right. So, yeah, I's all the important bits. All right. So, yeah, I'm a car guy. Nailed it. I got it. I'm built like a car and I'm a guy. Hell yeah.

That's pretty wild. That's a big party. If I could just turn the lights off in here right now and go to bed for 24 hours. If my sister wouldn't come in and intermittently feed me shots of tequila while i was sleeping you wake up wasted i wake up coughing she's like what what do you mean time to get up and dance dance yeah shit man yeah this is a lot bond mexico is around the corner and it will be a lot but it'll be fun it's where the fudge is made i want i want a lot of uh fish tacos and shrimp burritos and fish burritos and shrimp tacos you know what i mean bro burritos aren't real mexican food

well you know what i mean i'm gonna eat a bunch of that stuff they're gonna give it to me i'm gonna eat it bro go into the ocean and come back with seconds we're doing the baja 1000 we'll be eating grasshoppers and like red bull that's all we're gonna have no yeah they're not gonna do pit stops so you can fucking eat four thousand calories eight times a day it's gonna be a lot of jerky and peanuts peanuts and rc cola how about that when are we gonna whack i'm not gonna you're not you don't know becker life finds a way when i'm nervous i have to whack you don't whack you're like when i'm nervous i'm gonna on camera what about noah oh fuck you noah noah ratted on himself how because he was like oh yeah and did you know this like in louisiana uh if you're gonna look at porno like you have to log

on and like prove your age and like send them uh your information then they send you an email link and like i couldn't even click on the link and i was like hold on you were sharing a room with rup and moreno there were two beds in one room were you whacking and he's like well that's not the point and then rup's like i thought i heard you nuzzling around last night i thought i saw your sheets rustling. And he's like, no, no, that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about how archaic these laws are. Oh, I was going to say

I didn't have to do that, but I guess we didn't jack it in New Orleans. I didn't. I don't think or no. Yeah, you did. I did when you did. Yeah, I did when you when I had the I didn't i don't think or no yeah you did i did when you guys yeah i did when you when i had the place myself i didn't have to fucking show a picture of the bible that i currently own so that i could maybe it's a new law a bible in a wedding ring now that does sound archaic that

sounds like it would be old and weird maybe Maybe outside of New Orleans. Some of the parishes are still... Or maybe you have a file on your phone of just dudes. VPN. Yeah. No, I didn't have to do anything weird. Vincent Price nudes.

Spooky nudes. You have a VTN. Verne Schroyer nudes you have a vtn verne stroyer two windows price troyer back and forth oh my god dude verne stroyer's naked body have you seen it oh yeah check it out it's out there yeah it's hilarious i don't remember when he was all wasted on the surreal life yeah yeah yeah that rule yeah i think i watched that there's still it's all real housewives and uh kardashians for that shit for the for the drama and the partying on camera it's just god not the same as a as a bunch of rando celebrities crashing into each other i don't really have to shower rinse off you got two seconds this is a free one right yeah it's a free one so hey people of indian hold on check out patreon.com slash chubby behemoth and get on the patreon and pay for

some of these uh quality episodes of chubby b yo go did he freeze i think he might i guess so yeah his audio got sketchy a couple of times yeah maybe he will come back if not that's a hard end if you're in indianapolis go check out sam he's got dates coming up go to samtalent.com I don't know what else he wants to plug no samtalent.com slash lund there you can get the real updates on what's going on

we'll be in San Diego in July Brea Improv before that July 6th I think Sharpie's going to come along so yeah he's gone yeah or he's doing oh and we didn't mention we haven't mentioned it yet but uh a patreon member reminded us that we are getting close to our first goal that we've mentioned which uh has happened a lot quicker than we might have guessed thanks to sam's hard work yes but we are maybe 55 patrons away from 500 which means we are getting a bako

tattoo so tell a friend to get on patreon uh there's a few other tiers, goals that we listed as well, and I can't remember what they are, but for some reason we started with a fucking tattoo. So, the best guy. Oh, maybe he could hear us and he's been trying to get in there. No, he's

back in. Are you back, Sammy? Did you have to let him back in? No. Oh, so there he is.'m so happy i am yeah cool cool dismount could you hear us no dude my dad unplugged the fucking wi-fi oh nice yeah it wasn't he was trying to watch porn and you had to try and show proof of age or something and he got pissed. Yeah, I don't know what the hell he's doing, but he was like, I just heard him go, oh, no. Oh, rutabaga.

We plug samtalent.com. I don't have any dates forever. Yeah, San Diego, Lulu's Manitou Springs on June 1st. Why wouldn't you hit me up about that, you psycho? Lulu's? Yeah. Well, because I figured you wouldn't want to drive up to do Lulu's. I haven't been there yet, and it might be cool.

Also, we should maybe try and do vultures, too, in the spring. Colorado Springs. Pass. You're a loonies guy. You're freezing again. SamTalon.com. Fuck me.

Go, go, go, go. Now you're back. This is fucked. Hurry up. I fucking hate this. SamTalon.com. DC Comedy Loft. June 8 8th this is fucked i have to go i'm so pissed nice this sucks it's good we nailed it i don't want to be around anymore all right if anyone wants to find me you can find me working at a waffle house house in fucking Boudreaux, Louisiana. Goodbye. Down to nine locations.

Yeah, just follow the sound of the single gunshot blast in the woods if you want to find me. Fucking out of here. I'm doing it right now. We got to get the Bako tattoo. Oh, yeah. Did you plug the Patreon? Yeah, fuck yeah. We we're good love you have

fun be safe yeah bye y'all