Chubby Behemoth - Walmart Haircut

Episode Date: June 16, 2021

Key West or Chattanooga. Not Ben & Jerry's. Idiot Robot Janitor.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra Episodes at https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

All right. I'm back up in this bitch. All right. It's your evil twin from an alternate universe with short hair and an evil goatee. Yeah. So the goatee is just they couldn't cut my goatee. They couldn't do my beard because of COVID. So this is the amount that they could do with the mask on in the chair. This is how dumb it is. OK, so you're going to finish it though yourself, right?

Yeah, 100%. It's our anniversary dinner tonight. I'm leaving tomorrow, so it's all anniversary shit right now. So I got the haircut. I went and got the tennis bracelet. I got this fucking up-close magician's facial hair that I need to burn off my face. I need to eradicate this. I want this removed from my face like israel wants

gaza removed from the middle east this is it right here take it in right now while you can fellas because this is just this is what fauci did to us we all have we all have suffered because of this pandemic and this is this is the penance that i've paid you're saying you had to you had to keep your mask on and then they shaved around the straps yeah exactly i was like can you just give me a notch where the sideburns should end and she's like how about i just do everything i can with the mask on your face and i said christabel go crazy all right go ahead and finish your second monster energy drink in the last half hour.

Let's get you in here. Get you up on my face. Her peak wasn't dark. I went to the fucking haircutting place in Walmart. That's how you know you really care about your anniversary. I tried to go to Bare Bones and Kn knuckles and blood and uh you know johnny's haircut experience up here in fort collins but they're all booked out because i don't know it's rape week at the frats so because people couldn't get haircuts for a year and uh so yeah

they want to look fresh right and it's also everyone gets married on j 18th. I don't know if you knew that. You either get married on June 18th or November 17th. So this is just ramification. I'm basic, baby. I can't wait to have mimosas with the girls. Yes, bitch. I work for Rosé. I'll sweat for Chablis. It's funny.

In Walmart, I'm sure there were people mouth-breathing, no mask, no vaccination, and they don't care because they're going to spend $250. But then the hairstylist is like, uh-uh, let's be safe. Yeah, I mean, these poor women that are in there, I'm sure people try and come in and pay with their six-month sobriety AA coins. Like these girls, they have eyes that have seen a baby drowned in the bath they're hollowed out man so you know i tipped her 10 bucks on top of it and she was like oh thank you so much sir i went from you know making her laugh ha ha ha ha, to like, you know, I pretty much airdropped a bunch of losing Super Bowl t-shirts on her ass by tipping her $10.

This is turning everything around, sir. Yeah, she's like, oh, thank you. You know, I have 12 hours of sobriety, and this is going to help me not score when I get off. Her name was Christabel. That's fun. It is fun. did me good I look I look hot man yeah I'd like to see it up close because you made me think of the last time I went to super cuts and it was not super I couldn't believe it I thought I was like is this this

person's first day I think I mentioned it once but I couldn't believe how. I thought, I was like, is this this person's first day? I think I mentioned it once, but I couldn't believe how bad it was. You know, like, this is a place where people come to get haircuts and you can, and for her to be like, to say she was done when she was done, I was like, oh man, like, you're not seeing what I'm seeing. And like, I don't give a shit either. Like, it's not like I have this high standard where I have to be symmetrical as hell and like, but it just seemed like she fucking, she was like,

yeah, I'm going for a, for a D maybe a D plus rating today. That was her ceiling. Yeah. I mean, you only go to great clips or any of those places to get a, a big pair of recently divorced tits pressed against your neck.

I think it was great clips. Man, this is, these are not great clips these are subpar clips yeah you you go to you go to great clips to get a common law pair of tits just right on your shoulder for seven minutes what about floyd's man floyd's you get some tattooed nips never been to floyd's because i don't i i don't i don't care again i'm like you i could give less of a shit what my head looks like,

but since my wife has decided to be with me for five years, I'm rewarding her with this streamlined haircut. With a Walmart fade. Yeah, put me in the wind tunnel. Check my 40 time. Yeah, we were spoiled. We got to look cool thanks to Steph Martinez for a while, giving everybody haircuts in the Denver comedy scene. Oh, it was great steph was great if you wanted a haircut

that lasted an hour and 45 minutes and then you could pay him in your own merch that was a really good deal mel cut my hair once and it took a long time because he wanted it to look good he cared he could he he wouldn't but he would have been fired at great clips for caring too much i'm pretty sure christabel took 12 minutes she was relieved she was like so what are you looking for and i show i opened my instagram and i showed her the photo i was looking for who was it it was just a picture of me and my dad my dad's hugging me and i have a mustache it was right around christmas time last year but actually actually it was true i I was scrolling through. She happened to see the photo of the,

you know, the aftermath of me at Stan hopes. And she was like, Oh wait, what, what, what, what,

what was this? And I was like, Oh yeah, that was the last haircut I had. So you really can't fuck this up. You know, I walked around like that willingly for three months. So,

you know, put a blindfold on Christabel. If you can set some kind of record or get a guinness uh representative in here just go crazy ring that bell yeah ring the bell speed bell but yeah she was a she was a haggard you know 24 she looked like somehow she survived the dust bowl and also did a bunch of cocaine in 1985 it was crazy damn a time traveler yeah the time traveler's common law wife an old soul that soul's seen some shit yeah she's she's got an old soul of a shoe what uh were you eating tonight we're eating at rare italian which is

they got they got pasta you have never seen before and guess what it tastes the same as the other stuff yeah it's called rare italian because none of the waitresses have black eyes none of them have the uh the roman kiss which is the bruise on the back of their arm from being dragged dragged out of a bowling alley so uh yeah emily's been wanting to go there forever we couldn't get reservations i got reservations i went and fucking bought her a nice ass bracelet uh it's all it's gonna be great man because i'm not here for my actual anniversary which she somehow just remembered yesterday even though i like ran it by her early on in this booking process yeah yeah so she's she's pissed as if

it's new information she's not pissed but she hit me with the eye roll which is her kind of like uh being like yeah well i knew this already but i'm still gonna be mad i roll okay good she gets to have it all yeah she feel cool and and be be all right with it but then also she's not she gets to be wounded and she gets to be righteous and she also gets to be my wife so it's not a lot of wins for her she also gets to be tethered to me uh for you know until she gets the second husband around 58 where are you gonna be where do you think i'm gonna be hell i don't know where you're gonna go you've already hit your hot spots you were in new orleans in the upper midwest so pensacola florida if i ever disappear look for me in key west or Chattanooga like if there's ever a car that explodes but there's no skeleton inside

you know where to find me all right yeah you've you've picked you've found somebody in both of those locations that kind of looks enough like you that you could take them out and assume their name like to get the get the id yeah exactly like uh you know if they ever find a skeleton that looks like mitch jones it's just a sean patton shaped head and then meanwhile i'm calling bingo on the keys living in a houseboat but yeah man, man, I don't know. Are you going to be in Chattanooga or in the South or what? No, I'm not. What are you talking about?

Where are you going to be when you're 58? No, where are you booked? Oh, upcoming? Yeah, on your anniversary. Oh, sorry, dude. I'm not trying to be obtuse. I will be... i was on the same line of thinking as sam i think lines got crossed there somewhere yeah i thought you were saying where

am i going to be when emily is widowed at 50 gotcha no no i wanted the facts just the facts ma'am the facts jack all right you are like a jaded pi well and you know i'm i'm just curious because emily hired me to come up and have another dinner on your anniversary so i want to oh is that why we had to have my my bolo tie cord lengthened to fit around your head we're going to basic ass italian it's just uh ravioli spaghettios it's just all garden no dinosaur shapes no simpsons no simpsons characters with these uh meatballs it's just uh basic ass bullshit italian you're going to the italian rainforest cafe which would rule and emily would love she fucking loves olive garden dude you know she's like smart and she's a doctor and all this shit but she is trash at her core

i love her that's why we get along yeah olive garden fakes it good enough right i don't know i haven't been there in a long time i bet i would be uh woken up from that Because once you eat at a few nice places, then you realize what the hell. Like the last time I was in Durango was with you. But before that, Megan and I went through and we stayed right by an Applebee's. And I was like, hey, might as well just eat this. Who cares? It's fine.

It's not fine. It's complete garbage. And it was like kind of expensive. I couldn't believe it. I was like, this is how people live all the time and think that they're killing it. Dude, that's how it is at Buffalo Wild Wings. Every time we go to Buffalo Wild Wings, it's $80. And afterwards, she apologizes.

She's like, oh, we got to go to B-dubs. I love B-dubs. We're celebrating. It's like, okay, we'll get B-dubs. Sure b-dubs we're celebrating you know it's like okay we'll get beat up sure i love you whatever and then we get it it shows up it's cold invariably even if we eat in the restaurant you know there's like a glass eyeball floating in my beer christabel's pulling a double she's working there at night her hands are shaking she's got a bunch of hair clippings yeah that's

getting in the food and drink yeah that's why she asked me after the haircut she's like do you want to keep the hair can i have it yeah all right someone's making a doll wig yeah i gotta bring this down to my double at b-dubs yeah but uh yeah buffalo wildings is the biggest fucking scam there is. Get 24 wings, a couple of beers, $85 out the door. Yeah, I haven't been there in a while. I haven't been there in long enough that I would probably be surprised that it sucks. Oh, I bet you terrorized B-dubs back there in Reno. Mostly Vegas, I think. Yeah, post-college, post-Reno. Post-coital B-dubs are the worst. dubs back there in reno uh mostly vegas i think yeah post college post reno post coital b dubs

are the worst you just go in there all come drunk you're like your hands are already so then it's just it goes from savory to sweet i don't need any blue cheese i brought my own ring out her undies mango habanero and also the, the dry wings at B-Dubs are trash, man, which I love a dry wing, as you know. Yeah. I've gone on the record, dry wings are superior. Allocate the amount of sauce you want. But they only have, like, they have cayenne barbecue,

and then they have lemon pepper or oil and vinegar. Not oil and vinegar. Salt and vinegar. And they're all just trash, man. Yeah, that's too bad. The price of a wing has tripled. I don't know if you knew that. Oh, you don't think I know about wing futures? The wing market? Yeah.

They're just going to gouge us all the time now, apparently. Or they're going to finally come up with a bird with octopus arms. A true freak. Yeah, we have a wing place here, and Wing Wednesdays is a dollar a wing. It's like, cool. Got that once, and then the second time I tried to do it, I ordered, and the guy was like, all right, that's going to be $60.

And I was like, why? It's Wing Wednesday. What the hell, man? I did the math, and he was like, oh, the guy was like, all right, that's going to be $60. And I was like, why? It's Wing Wednesday. What the hell, man? I did the math. And he was like, oh, the price of wings went up around the Super Bowl, which is normal, but then it just stayed up. They were like, we're just going to charge this for a while, because apparently, yeah, they haven't been growing enough chickens.

Yeah, well, the price of wings went up, but I guess the price of signage went up too much. You can't get a new fucking sign. Also, Wing Wednesday used to be a quarter. That was what it was. Across the board, go in there, 20 wings for however much that is, five bucks. It was just a good time for the whole family.

A working man could bring his real kids and his secret family in there, the 6 o'clock and the 8 o'clock double dip. It was perfect for everyone in Naperville. Champagne and Urbana. Yeah, man. You've got a family in each. The Illini double dip. Yeah, it's a real cheap trick.

Dog foods from Champagne and Urrbana oh shit yeah the food did he red shirt did he play football and uh no he did he did red shirt after being at BW3s because he was just covered in sauce he likes ketchup he likes ketchup on his wings. No, I think he grew up there. I don't think he played any college ball. Okay. Were you there that time when Josh Androsky came over wearing like a Packers football shirt that had all the Packers players from the Super Bowl teams in the 90s on it?

Yeah. And Dog Food Abbott was like, you're a Packers fan, are you? Josh was like, yeah, yeah, I am. I like the Packers. And he's like, well, guess what? I'm Robert Abbott, and it's a hell of a pleasure to meet you.

Put her there. And like, crushed his hand. He was just so fired up. You know, Dogfood probably had, you know, 35 highlifes, but he really crushed androski's paw it's a hell of a pleasure to meet you just straight farley on his ass he crushed me at that tickle monster we did i don't think you went because you know it was the show that we were supposed to run together so you were out of town and we did that one show at the bug theater and i was like hey will you come and tackle me

you know i'll put i'll throw out a challenge for the denver comedy championship and you can answer the call and then just tackle me spear the shit out of me and i'm gonna i wore the the title belt under my shirt so it would look like he knocked himself out on it. Classic, classic work, total rip off of, uh, Bret Hart in WCW. He did the same thing with Goldberg. It's,

I sounded like a fun thing and it was, and I told him don't half-ass it. Cause it'll look dumb. There's like 12 people there. And I was like, don't, don't go, uh,

you know, quarter speed. Cause it'll look ridiculous. Like, really get me and just try not to kill me. And I think he tried to kill me. I think he went – I mean, he was stoked. He got to – he acted like he was going to get signed to the team. And so he really got my ass.

And then, yeah, and then the next show, nobody was there and we canceled it i remember that yep that was a big l for the fine gentlemen's club we were we were we were all excited because we thought all right we've you know we got the goodwill we got our name out there with the free weekly show too much fun every week people come but it's late it's the middle of the week so not everybody can come well hey now this new show will will charge some money we're at the bug theater where the growlix were doing their monthly show but they're but they had stopped so i thought we were like filling a a niche a niche filling this like already uh you know this battle tested time slot or whatever yeah i know and that did not uh that

did not pan out maybe we should have kept trying but i felt like it was not going to happen no it was it was embarrassingly a failure it was terrible we i couldn't take that my fragile ego couldn't take that yeah we had to bail well yeah i mean we couldn't have done like six of them and also bobby was on heroin i mean it was a tough time for all of us. Allegedly. Chris had his shins lengthened. Bobby killed that kid.

Now, Sharpie was gone, right? Yeah. I think Sharpie was gone. And Bobby checked out emotionally. Sharpie was the draw. Yeah, Bobby was like a fucking dead marriage. He was like, yeah, we sleep in the same house. He was dead-eyed like a walmart hairdresser that's right he was real crystal bell but yeah crystal bell shout out to her if you guys are ever uh in fort collins and you need a haircut at the last minute because uh you're not going to be there for your five-year wedding

anniversary go check out crystal bell so are you gonna are you gonna take care of the the goatee before dinner are you gonna make emily look at that thing no so i just got back from the haircut when this happened so she shouldn't be home till five at which time i can take care of it okay you know what i mean you're gonna wear some pants are you thinking gonna wear pants i have my pants picked out for the evening and by picked out i mean i found the pair of pants that i haven't worn since uh my grandpa's funeral are you gonna fit into those pants i am i tried them on man that that was my question have you already tried them on well thanks guys well we want you to look good for your wife we're not picking on you yeah right you want me to look so bad that you can swoop in and be my wife jake's fat shaming i am going off of experience because i have had a pair of pants in

my mental back pocket uh for you know whatever's coming up oh jake you've been there all right jake no yeah it's it's like when the show's going very bad and you're like don't worry i got that closer the closer always works and then you do the closer and they very bad and you're like don't worry i got that closer the closer always works and then you do the closer and they hate it and you're like oh no what do i do now i was gonna wrap up seven minutes early yeah i was just gonna do that joke twice because it kills every time i was gonna do it in spanish tom segura style yep but uh yeah man the pants fit we're going to rare italian probably go to elliot's martini bar for a little pre-game sip sap uh spent way too much money on a fucking uh bracelet that she'll probably wear once and then lose uh

the most money i've ever spent on any personal gift i dropped today i walked into the goldsmith place in uh old town square in fort collins you know pre-haircut underwear visible beneath short shorts key west tea stuck to my back t-shirt the t-shirt just slaked so sweaty it's been 110 degrees up here so i just walk in there dripping like i'm about to rob the place uh and the lady's like hello and i'm like hey uh i want to buy something for my wife and she's like looks around and she's like oh okay uh and you you know you're in the goldsmith place right you're not at the ben and jerry's that used to be in here uh but it moved as you can tell if you look at the cases there's no there's no gelato in these cases so yeah you're looking for buffalo wild wings

sir uh the walmart is just up the road yeah i should have told her like yeah hey i i'm in a hurry i gotta get to my walmart hair cutting i've got a reservation at walmart i'm surprised they were booked i guess they most of the walmart hair appointments were just uh you know a chair in the front yard they They took care of it at home. Yeah, exactly. There's no walk-ins at the Walmart, but there are mobility scooter-ins. So you just hop on your rascal and get in

there. Five years, though, Nathan. Five years. Five years, man. That was a hell of a wedding. It was a great weekend. I put off quitting drinking for your wedding. I was like, I'm going to want some cold ones for this one. So I didn't remember. Did you drink at my wedding? Yeah, but I also hated the idea of blowing it, of drinking too much,

not remembering. So I didn't do that. I had a few. Megan was there. She was uh two and she was two a little over two months sober because she quit in april and i was like i got a big i got a big drunk boy summer coming up i don't know it was mostly your wedding but then it was also just summer was like intimidating yeah i don't know it was stupid but i so yeah i i didn't want to have the pressure of being newly sober at your wedding, but I also didn't want to pound a bunch of them because I did that. God, I fucked up. I'd fucked up twice with my buddy RJ's wedding. The guy that was hesitant to let us stay with him in Reno. Yeah, when he got married,

there were a couple of us that were getting ready, and we were taking our time because I didn't think that they were going to start right on time for some fucking reason. And so we take our time and then we're cutting it close. And as soon as we go to leave, there's like a fucking bike race through downtown Reno. So we had we got stopped for like an extra 15 minutes or something. I was like, God damn it. And we show up and it's the end of the ceremony.

It's not even like welcome everyone and and i wasn't in the wedding party or else i probably would have tried harder but i also did not think we were going to completely miss it i thought i thought it was going to start a little late whatever i don't know why but uh showed up at the very like they were you thought doors were at three shows at 3 30 i get it yeah i thought there's you know there's going to be some trailers for other couples that are getting married later in the year i don't even know what my brain uh so this summer show up seth and megan tie the knot yeah high school sweethearts good they're gonna be married for 12 years they're not gonna know what to do once they're single their son will drown in the

pool and test the limits of their love uh yeah i don't know so i as as we me and me and conrad and our and our girlfriends we showed up together late as hell they are walking you know down the aisle because it's it's over and everybody's like stood up and i was like oh shit he won't see us and of course he had like scanned the you know we were outside in this big park or whatever he he's he knew we weren't there as soon as we as we we saw him he was like did you guys miss the fucking wedding and we were like yes i felt bad and then during the reception i got wasted yep and just started uh there was uh an an outdoor there was outdoor seating and tables and then there was like indoor you know like a little whatever it was like a not a gazebo but like a little building for events and uh people there was a dj in there and they

were dancing in there well i'm outside getting wasted and i start stacking chairs just like folding them up and putting them on the ground and i just make a big pile of fucking chairs and i would have been i don't know if i've said this in the pod before i would have been the the dickhead of the wedding but then somebody from somebody from the bride's side of the family tried to fight an uncle or some shit so he took a bunch of the heat off of me and a bunch of people were inside so they didn't see me be this like idiot robot janitor that's like time to clean up i uh yeah i i just barely escaped with some dignity. Yeah, they were like,

Lun, you were pretty bad, but my uncle went down the ice luge. Yeah, I was definitely neck and neck with whoever it was from Danielle's side of the family. Why were you stacking chairs? The wedding was over. You were cleaning up. I'm helping.

I have no idea. it didn't make any sense some of my friends are like you know most of the people are inside having fun but then some of my friends are out there just like laughing at me you know i'm the other entertainment oh yeah i've seen you be the uh the helpful automaton drunk before yeah it's insane we're like okay well we've been we've been partying for about two hours everyone else had a couple beers i've had 16 we should probably leave the park everyone i'm gonna start breaking down tents i'm gonna start kicking over trees and uh throwing away some of the some of the smaller branches

yeah because oh yeah i was i'm glad that you you drank at my wedding you did a great job of and throwing away some of the smaller branches. Oh, yeah. I'm glad that you drank at my wedding. You did a great job, of course. Great wedding party. I had all the boys, all the different-shaped boys available. Yeah, testing the limits of the men's warehouse. Oh, yeah. They're like, wait, what?

They literally said, wait, what? We thought that would be a wait wait is what what's the range yeah the guy was like you guys are all the same are all your groomsmen executive cuts they all kind of the same size executive cut of course code for fat guts which i didn't know yeah yeah and uh yeah and then i was like no they're not the same size i have chris charpentier i've clay to hon i have aaron urist i have david bory sir they couldn't be more not the same size yeah they had a you know luckily he paid by the yard so he had a windfall bory god bless him worst best man in the history of weddings.

Remember his suit didn't fit? He didn't try his suit on until the day of the wedding. So Sharpie had to drive him from Evergreen to Cherry Creek to get the correct suit. Oh boy, I forgot about that. That might have been one of those times where I was like, yep, you always got to try it on. You can't just assume it's going to fit because who knows? Yeah, when you got that news, that's when you cracked your first beer.

You're like, well, can't be the worst one today. Yeah, time to start stacking some empty cans and then eventually stacking some chairs. So just throwing them into the lake. Yeah, just whipping them and dogs on surfboards. There was that dog on a surfboard like during our vows and i remember also like walking up to the lake while i'm telling emily i'll be forever committed to her and dave just like and taking photos of the dog on a surfboard everybody just starts looking out just distracted

you can tell you're like what the hell exactly wait you could see i i wasn't facing the lake so could you see it and you're like hey everybody settle down no because i was ugly crying like a motherfucker the whole time yeah just the worst just just went from like alternating between like ultimate warrior getting fired up to uh to like old man on the toilet it was just that's how i was the whole time i was up there yeah i remember it was uh yeah i remember it was uh gross yeah no it was nice i guess uh i'm sure you thought that you know hey this is the last time that emily can reveal that you know she that this was a joke you know though she was dared to date you and she had to take it all the way to before she says i do

and then she just leaves with her actual partner yeah I was waiting I was waiting for Sal Volcano and the rest of the Impractical Jokers to land a helicopter and be like all right you won the 10 grand little mama come on you got his yeah my mom my mom's like all right does a cannonball into the lake my mom takes her top off and hops in the water we're dumping them out this was pre-julie this was still when my mom was whole well she could still say julie's name she could yeah yeah exactly not like she like she created a character named julie that didn't exist before i remember the mother uh the the my mother dance you know

and i played the pretenders i'll stand by you and she was just crying the whole time and the only thing she could say to me was don't fuck this up that was good she's so hot she's got them they're so heavy emmy's breasts are so dense you gotta get those things checked four times in a year uh but yeah great wedding i remember yeah it was it was very fun it must have been weird must have been weird to be crying in front of all your friends it reminded me of when i had to talk at my grandma's funeral like it's the opposite of every other time you're in front of a group of people you know what i mean like just a very different setting obviously with yours very happy but also you didn't have to like make everybody laugh you just had to like realize how this the the the

depth the the seriousness or the i don't know just the surreal nature of committing to someone forever and it's a lot. And it's the opposite of, hey, let's have a good time. Hey, all right. Silver Fox. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I couldn't do any crowd work. I remember I made Emily's dad wear a yellow hat just in case things were going awry.

I always had that to fall back on. But, yeah. Oh, you know, sometimes a hat you can you can blast them a little bit hey nice hat what happened you got peed on you know something like that just all right banana boat yeah what's up banana brain banana pissed off emily's bridal party the night before so bad they wanted to beat her up all right did you hear about that i don't think i did i was gonna say we didn't have like a pull apart or anything during the reception i couldn't remember any real no remember for david we have to find something to wrap around david yeah exactly well then also you know you're still trying to suspenders till that morning so we had to go to dia and get him

a belt extender for his suspenders um but yeah no it was good but the night before we all stayed in that house in evergreen like both the wedding parties we were up there yeah you were there remember yeah i think that's when i was on drugs and yeah we all ate a bunch of mushrooms and drank a bunch of beers the carpet fibers looked like a bunch of naked people just dancing and writhing around and i was god looking down upon them smiling yeah you you did like a prequel to Midsommar four years before it came out I remember and uh yeah but Sharpie's then girlfriend was like so annoying and being so weird that like I don't Emily's bridal party like met in a closet and like filled a pillowcase with oranges and they

were like all right we gotta do what we gotta do and Emily was like okay chill out ladies I know you're all from Detroit and you're Sam's sister so you guys are bad people but she had some of the toughest broads ever in her bridal party. Showing up. Yeah, showing up, showing out. Dumping them. Most of them had them, except for one does not have them. But that's okay. It takes all kinds.

Having them is an attitude, isn't it? No, dude. It's not a lifestyle. It's a mindset. I mean... Big titty mindset. Yeah, I would say

attitude can go a long way. It's not just the bra size. It's mental as well. It's literally fat deposits on your chest. It couldn't be. That's small brain thinking.

I'm small brain. I ate a whole head of cabbage for lunch, so that was insane. Jesus. Yep. It also seems like a really cool thing to do right before your anniversary night. You're just going to be hotboxing the room with cabbage ass. I didn't get that through.

Yeah, you better drink a bunch of water and then diarrhea all of it out before you go. That's the cool thing about cabbage. No diarrhea. Thick ropes. It's pulling all the old stuff out. Yeah, exactly. I'm plopping turtles in there man what'd you do with this uh cabbage jamaica cut it up you cut it up you uh i added cucumbers sun-dried tomatoes onions mint olive oil salt pepper and uh some miso. Peanut butter and chili. Yeah.

Like six s'mores, some aficara honey, some Bacardi 151. You blend it all up and then you put it in a beer helmet and you drink it at the game. Oh, man. I just sometimes

I want to eat a bunch of something, but I don't want to eat like bad stuff. So I'll get cabbage and make a giant cabbage salad. And, you know, it does the damn job brother yeah that sounds pretty good we're gonna have falafel in a little bit but i didn't have i didn't want to uh fuck yeah there are there's no options except for like in pueblo at the natural grocers you can get falafel and it's not even good falafel you know compared to some of the shit that's out

there but it's pretty easy to make the paste we haven't tried to make our own yeah we have dried garbanzo beans but Megan hasn't tried to that's on Megan I would start a fire then put it out with my own head so I'll have to

see when she wants to try to give that a whirl but she also she makes a great a great garbanzo salad to throw all around. You're kind of hiding the falafel. You just want a little bit of those falafel in the pita, but it's not doing the heavy lifting. Do you eat the falafel solid or do you smush it and smear it? I break it up. Okay. So okay so yeah there's some smushing going on but it's just not great compared to something you know like there's a couple good

spots in denver where you can get good falafel and so this is not that it's just you know in a bag i mean people have literally made falafel in the desert underneath the camel uh i don't know how she's fucking it up so bad. It's one of the easier things to make. She's using the pre-made stuff. Yeah, they don't do that. They're pre-made. It's just parsley, onions, and garbanzos. Yeah.

Some cumin if you're nasty. What cabbage did you eat? It's hot. I had four frozen waffles what for brekkie man my schedule's been all fucked up where i i go to bed between like three and four and then i sleep till 11 well today i woke up at like nine and then because you're haunted by all the goat heads you've been picking no you hear them screaming nathan you would have thought that the silence of the goats you would you would think that that would have fucking helped to do

some physical activity and i could have gone to bed early but no i just keep staying up on my phone reading twitter watching community and so yeah this morning i woke up and i was like oh maybe i'll stay up i'll have some coffee and then i slept from like noon to two so it's all i'm ruined everything's yeah so i woke up woke up at like 2 30 and i was like i gotta put something in so i just had four waffles just cold cold no so you had them hot you toasted butter syrup okay well yeah human cayenne cilantro you're gonna be you're gonna be sleepy dude that's a big carbo load for the uh the narco chode they're small there's four of them or you know they're little so i had to have four becker just held up uh a circle with his

hands they were as big as his face he just he just did the jay-z perspective if i hold the circle to my face he hoved they're smaller than that you know it's small you know it's a rip-off baskin robbins has fucking ice cream sandwiches they're tiny they're like a fucking silver dollar come on like my wife's areolas this is bullshit i just thought creech would have big areolas but that's none of my business well they're big but i'm saying when you you want you want a huge ice cream sandwich yeah i want one the size of that of becker's head and it's not the chip witch it's just a little baby

me and Becker are the hot boys right now and you're the fucking grunt of the week I mean I had four waffles last night I've been doing those Eggo Belgium waffles they're really good these were Safeway brands

so they're dumb I don't know why I got them I always think they're going to be okay and they have those protein ones and I'm like oh I should get those so they're not just a total waste and then I don't get them because they're like 10 bucks

so I get the Safeway brand if you get the safeway brand and you come on them so you get protein i get it it's a good move yeah they are one of the few things that i think name brands like way fucking better yeah right yeah yeah some stuff it doesn't matter some stuff it totally does yeah when it comes to waffles you can't waffle you need to have the the best version of it, man. Yeah, then there's ones with blueberry in there. Those are pretty good. Chocolate chip, not bad.

Yeah, you're right. Blueberry and chocolate chip waffles are good. Not for me. I get a big mouth breakthrough with London. Has he heard about this? I'm surprised you don't get the chorizo waffle i've told you about my proclivity which is to order a waffle and get chili on top of it yes that's a good breakfast move hell yeah red or green doesn't matter man man. You were doing red, though, weren't you? I do do red, but if you're in a southwestern situation, go ahead and get green.

If you really want to go crazy, get Christmas style. Who cares? As long as you got that great base soaking it up, you're in business, brother. Jake, have you been to the Family Seed yet? I haven't, but I need to go check it out. I didn't realize that place was open until i like walked by when they were open and saw all the cars there

i thought it was a random restaurant there's a place that makes food that you put in your mouth called the family seed it's actually called the family seed too yeah i don't know nobody knows why but you know that's what it's called. We just had it for the first time, and they've got mushrooms in the gravy for the biscuits and gravy. Megan figures they're dumping out a can of mushroom soup onto their biscuits,

but the green chili is good. Breakfast burrito was good. You guys, man. They got the mushrooms in there. I feel like I need to fucking rescue you guys man they got the mushrooms in there i feel like i need to fucking rescue you guys i signed up for grocery delivery this week so i don't have to deal with the food situation down here anymore oh good boys club all right becker yeah and a boy they're gonna put each thing in its own plastic bag i don't know if you know that or

if there's a way that you can stop it but we did walmart pickup once and i was like what is this what the fuck why did you you know there's just no no rational thought about how many you know we end up with like 80 bags and we you know we use them to pick up dog shit but it's like it just threw the balance off completely it was like we don't need this we have two little garbage cans that we need for liners for and then a couple couple dog shit bags well that's cool though because it's like you get the groceries and then it's like if the wrapping paper of the gift was the gift because you love picking up dog shit so it's like he does he fucking loves it uh you used to pick up other people's dog shit and you'd be whistling a happy song you want a jaunty dance you have a parasol

in one hand swirling it's getting a rinky dinky dinking all over town you're like oh cool a saint bernard just moved in down the street everything's coming up london uh i wish i could have i don't think i really could it grossed me out too much it's one thing to know what that dog you know that that the dog shit from my dogs is from my dogs but then you know walking around denver it's like is that dog shit or is it just a guy walking in denver is that dog shit or is that just a guy walking in denver 7-eleven has chicken wings back in stock there all the bones are scattered when he tried to make that bit work where you're like what's with all these chicken bones oh it works kansas city loved the chicken wing stuff oh good i talked about it for some oh i

guess just because i was talking about moving to trinidad and how yeah fucking didn't have to worry about chicken wing bones on the dog walks you know what's a weird thing to think about if me and you never got married yeah think of what we'd be up to right now oh boy jesus christ that's a that's a bleak mind exercise above ground pool filled with chili and yeah we'd be living some kind of yeah we're floating on waffles we have like rafts made of waffles floating around because we invented an app who tells you who farted chili behind us we could we could have started a chubby behemoth years ago and built the empire i don't know who knows you wouldn't have been in vegas uh writing a book

i know man there's so many things that she's directly responsible for that are the best things in my life. But maybe I could have provided even better things. Yeah, I don't know what you would have provided, but it would have been something of value for sure. We definitely would have given someone a doomsday device after a show just a heckler or yes an 18 year old girl oh you mean like i thought you meant sexually no i think i think i think uh one of us would have picked somebody up on their shoulders and the other one would have climbed up onto a bar and then given them a clothesline and we would have killed someone oh yeah well we've i mean if we would have stayed single for so long, we would have for sure tag teamed a girl, too.

I don't know. That never sounded cool when you wanted it to happen. I was like, no, thanks, Sam. I never wanted it to happen. You're always gotten sober, though. You're always trying to get somebody up at the bar and you see that guy over there. He looks kind of like me. Yeah. You ever wanted to have sex with brothers? always trying to get somebody up at the bar and you'd be like you see that guy over there he looks kind of like me yeah you ever wanted to have sex with brothers well this is this is close enough

yeah i wasn't angling for us to pull the devil's duo but i'm just saying you wouldn't have gotten sober and i would have gotten more and more depraved. So it for sure would have gone down. Well, yeah, cause we were doing, yeah, we were out a lot and it's a whole other thing to,

uh, call the, call your shots and God, my sleep schedule would be even more fucked up. We'd be, we'd be up all night and then sleep during the day. Uh, we wouldn't be, we'd be even'd be up all night and then sleep during the day uh we wouldn't be we'd be even less healthy right exactly emily's put years on my life yeah mega made it easier to uh not just eat four waffles for breakfast well that's yeah that that was my fault to be to be

a 40 year old man having waffle breakfast at 2.30. Yeah, you're right. She's really done wonders domesticating you. She helped me get off of my two biggest worst vices, which was cheap meats and cheap beer. And yeah, I probably would have had a couple of heart attacks that I didn't realize were heart attacks you know just like oh what the hell was that and then and then during during the big one that would kill me i'd be like oh those were heart attacks little little uh little tremors yeah oh man we probably would have just lived on the road like i probably wouldn't have a fixed

address and i'd just be you know sleeping somewhere for a week sleeping somewhere for a week i would i think it was romantic but really it was just like lonely and disgusting i'd be i'd be such a big dickhead if i never met emily yeah it's nice nice to have the uh the the home to come home to the balance you know because yeah you start to live this mythical thing of like oh yeah this is the this was the dream and it's like yeah but it's really uh difficult because you're not really tethered you're not you know you have you have a bunch of staff that are maybe going to be nice to your face but then if you don't know any better you can start to be more demanding and then they hate you behind your back you're going going over your time. Cause you think that you're being selfless for the crowd,

but really like the staff are just like this fucking asshole has to do two weekends a year instead of one. Just like being the best at loony bins. It can get fucking complicated and yeah, sad. And we've talked about that, how some of these guys that are out every weekend, but they, complicated and, yeah, sad. And we've talked about that, how some of these guys that are out every weekend, but they don't have a bunch of credits, so maybe just the crowds are okay or whatever.

It's got to feel weird because they technically are doing what they wanted to do, but it's not to the level that they wanted to reach. So there's disappointment and there's ego and you're just you're just a mess yeah i would if i didn't meet emily i for sure would have what i thought was a secret pill problem but everyone knew i was always on pills and i thought i was pulling it off gracefully that would have happened for sure um probably would have gotten someone knocked up in a bad place like tulsa or like you know everett massachusetts uh i mean i'd just be like evil cliff cash i'd be living in a van driving around doing shows fancying myself some kind of like truth-telling prophet

uh yeah i mean i would just be insufferable dude just being like hey man you're still living in a house all right i'm out here i live in the wind i'm like tax man's gonna have to buy a ticket to catch me i'm a dandelion brother just blow on me and I'm gone talking like that clip clip is also very good looking so it wouldn't be as menacing as you just being parked parked outside of somebody's house that you kind of know yeah exactly a 19 year old host RJ comes out he's like hey uh my wife asked how many more days you're going to be out here. Cause you know, I'm friends with Nate,

but not you. Hey RJ, I got a question. How many more days until I'm in your wife? Moon shot. Uh, she was a real moon face. Uh,

Nathan, this isn't the page they're not together anymore so i can make okay she was a little diaper dandy she was just so she was just terrified she really was concerned that her young children were at risk they were in danger if me and you and byron graham stayed in their house for eight hours we were just gonna sleep there and be gone in the morning we were headed to humboldt i guess yeah what were they concerned with i don't like what byron was gonna bore them to death that i that byron was gonna smoke benson and hed That Byron was going to teach him how to smoke Benson and Hedges. Byron was going to mention several books and TV shows that they hadn't heard of and then

make them feel stupid. Right. Books that he hadn't read, but he wanted to pretend he had for the kids. And then what? I'm going to teach him how to flip a coin. I mean, what were they concerned with? We were going to finger these kids. were they concerned with we were gonna finger these kids that was that was really the the only thing that made sense to me was that they were that something bad was going to happen and i don't

know what it could have possibly been they were not even near us they were like getting ready for bed when we got there it was just an over worried you know just just thinking of the potential for something bad to happen you know it doesn't even have to be specific it just has to be a general fear i guess and then just be like well i'm gonna play it safe and uh be a fucking dick about it make us pay 90 for a hotel room now uh a certain uh friend of us suggested that we should take a private jet to the Humboldt Comedy Festival. Yeah, real dreamer over here. Right, and that has since changed into, because they probably did 35 seconds of research into what a private jet costs. Now they want us to take an rv nathan thoughts i i never liked the

idea of having such a big vehicle because there's so many places roads i mean if you're you know we'd be on the 80 for most of the trip but you gotta gas up you gotta go through some towns you gotta try to eat something a couple times and so i i don't like traveling in a large vessel yeah you got to put 200 worth of gas in that thing every three hours as you're driving upward and onward through the northern california wilderness i mean i think that's one of the dumber ideas i've ever heard and then we got noah reynolds in the glove box popping out and doing bits every like a fucking cuckoo clock. Hey,

where am I? Who am I? Give me attention. My twin brother's hotter than me. Give me some attention. He's trying to do his podcast. His podcast got sponsored. They're on a network.

Yeah. By draft Kings. Well, we're not sponsored by draft Kings. No, we have the working man. We have the people the proletariat we got the fucking the chubby chaser we got the army dude yeah that's true and we don't

have to read any copy yeah we're never gonna sell out to any corporate interests all right i would read an ad for blue chew right now i wouldn't yeah right i don't i don't want people having sex checks in the mail yeah and then we get free blue chew becker why don't want people having sex. Checks in the mail. Yeah, and then we get free Bluetooth. Becker, why don't you find us some sponsorships or something? We could have boners for days. Unwanted boners. Like we're in ninth grade again. Here we go again.

Just rock hard. So, fellas, any plugs? I keep saying I'm going be in denver next week uh probably not though no i'm going to be at waldshank ciders okay which is easy what it's a rotating tap joint okay vander vanderplug and cory david added another spot you just got pranked into saying something terrible on the pod waldshanka maybe it's a boy that's how you make something sound less racist is put a german accent on it good work lund well i don't think it's i don't think it's wald schenk i think it's wald wald schanke either way that's wednesday thursday i'm doing pallet city comedy

uh friday i'm double dipping i'm doing the denver comedy lounge and wide right yes dude i'm not done bitch saturday two shows at the irish snug thanks to ben bryan and jose flores and then sunday uh big old stupid brant gill's boulder comedy show at its new location i haven't i haven't been to the new spot yet uh the rayback collect the ryback feed me more yeah exactly he asked twitter if where he should go next or if he should retire and they were like retire and he was like oh the last poll got hijacked by haters and then he did it again and people were like no seriously retire oh brent gill or ryback ryback oh either way it would have worked. Brent Gill also.

Retire. So you're going to be up here for five straight days just bringing the pain to the mile high? Dropping some panties here in the queen city of the plains? Dropping trow. I'll suck off anyone. Are you bringing Becker? Becker is not allowed in Denver or Boulder.

That's next weekend? That is a week from today. Yeah, I'm planning on being up there, so maybe I'll come check some stuff out. That's a week from today, not this weekend. Yeah. Next week. Yeah, next Wednesday. Today's Wednesday.

Next Wednesday through next sunday the 23rd through the 27th go to facebook.com slash big dick lund i don't know what it is i think it's just nathan lund but yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna promote these shows and uh hopefully get some get some folks to come out and say hello give Give me the old Denver shuffle. Maybe I'll come pop in on a couple of those. No, thanks. Shows are fully booked. No, you're more than welcome.

Where are you going to stay when you're in Denver for those five days? I haven't asked anybody yet. I'm going to start. I'll probably see if I can stay with Cam and Michelle for some of that, and then maybe I'll switch it up. Switch it up and see what... I don't know what Brent's deal is.

Is Creech coming through? No, she's going up to Grand Lake. She's taking the dogs. She's going to hang out with her parents and with her papa. She's going to go bang your dogs at her parents house cool moving our dogs yeah right just because you're sucking off gordy gory's gum your anus yeah he only has two teeth for a reason

so all the other ones are shoved up my ass like balls like chris benoit balls yeah well i heard this today which is fucking i don't know what to deal with it i'm in alaska this weekend i'm at everett's on friday for two shows and the legendary chillicoot charlie's on saturday and the winter solstice or i mean i guess the summer solstice is on saturday It's the longest day of the year. It's winter out there. Complete sunshine for 24 hours. The biggest party in Alaska every year. You're in Anchorage, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm in Anchorage. You'll get like 40 minutes of dark. Okay. Well, thanks, fact-checking Becker and the million-dollar machine. I've been there for solstice a couple of times. What's it like? Are they going to eat me alive? No, it's fucking rad.

It just feels like it's 2 p.m. from like 8 a.m. one morning until like 4 or 5 a.m. Then it'll get dark for a minute, and then it goes right back to being the afternoon because the sun just does like a circle and dips and then comes'll get dark for a minute and then it goes like right back to being the afternoon because the sun just does like a circle and dips and then comes back up. I'm worried it's going to be like

Troll Hunter where they're just going to like have me on stage and then they're going to drop the lights and be like, you got 20 minutes, boy and then the hunt begins. Yeah, no, it's like some of my favorite family parties, playing frisbee with my cousins at like 2 o'clock in the morning, like out in the sunshine.

Well, that is because your cousin has that weird disease where he has no bones, so he just flies like a Frisbee when he's playing. Yeah, and everybody like stays up all night and barbecues. It's like a big town-wide party, man. You know what they probably don't do is go attend a comedy show. I don't know. We went to the movie theater with everyone because it's just it's like a 40 hour fucking day you got a lot to fill what am i gonna do i'm gonna go slowly mad just go to sleep dude you have five lunches you're up

for a huge day just eat and hang out and you're gonna get invited to barbecues you're gonna have a great time i probably won't be invited to barbecues i'm a stranger in a strange land that's alaska's whole game some of these idiots are gonna think that it's my fault that the sun they're gonna think that i that i came and i ate the moon and now it's just sunlight forever they you're talking about you're acting like this is going to be the first time. And some people aren't going to get word ahead of time. So they're just going to lose their fucking minds. Well, who knows?

God is dead. God left us behind. Nothing is real. No, they know what's happening. I would imagine some people should just fucking draw the curtains like it's not like you have to look at the sun the whole time it's up you could just uh you know act like it's a normal day but like jake's saying it is a a yearly thing so it would make also make sense to try to like party have fun with it lean into it i'm gonna lean in all i do is

lean in they listen and steal my sunshine for 24 to 40 hours straight yeah i don't know all the sunshine in the world it's ours now i feel like uh fucking stanhope and shaley booked me up there on the solstice as some kind of test and i didn't know about it until i did radio today so anyway alaska this weekend next weekend i'm at the uh zach moss's comedy festival in hill city south or rapid south dakota rapid city south dakota get those tickets me boring nancy norton the 8th 9th and 10th of july i'm at kansas city comedy club comedy club of kansas city uh with featuring no i'm not featuring. I'm headlining. Rena calm is featuring for me. I know I was joking. Yeah. Well, that's old news. All right.

We put that one to bed. Dustin tried to get me when I told him I moved to Trinidad. He was like, what Trinidad? And I was like, yeah, it's like a small town. I'm like three hours South of Denver. He was like, move to kansas city and i was like i already moved it was so weird he was acting like i he's acting like i asked him hey where should i move thinking about getting out of denver and moving somewhere else yeah and i was like i already know i already made the decision moved my shit uh yeah yeah i'm gonna leave i'm gonna leave denver colorado one of the best comedy cities in the world and move to kansas city and uh feed nailer cans like that goat at the bar in memphis i like kansas city but yeah the the the issues of denver are about to happen in kansas city the

word is getting outwards like hey we can we can uh suck this place dry and raise the rents everywhere if we uh just pool our collective, you know, family money or whatever the hell. So, you know, Kansas city, the reckoning is coming,

but I do like it there. It was just funny. That's like, I'm not looking for help for advice on where to live. Now that Denver kicked me out, I'm doing all the, I'm doing all the fucking hotspots for comedy this upcoming four weeks. I'm doing all the i'm doing all the fucking hot spots for comedy this upcoming four weeks i'm doing anchorage alaska rapid city south dakota kansas city and then fargo north dakota the 16th

and 17th and don't forget about joke chela july 3rd i don't know why i'm working these markets i'm worried that people think i'm a white supremacist and that's why i get booked there but uh city kansas city has a lot of different people. It's not just whites. Yeah, that's what you keep telling me. You say there's too many different people. Anyway, happy five-year anniversary to me. Becker, always a pleasure.

Nathan, troubling look that you have these days. Shut up. I look good. Don't eat too many goat heads. And remember, everyone, support the fucking Patreon. All right? Get on there, you idiots. Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth.

It rocks. We roll. We lose control on there every time. Lunt says a lot of bad stuff. I always keep him in check. Becker does a lot of voices and accents he can't do on the regular episodes it's pretty much one good boy and two nasties we've we finally we've sent out some random shit for our top tier patrons but we actually have some chubby behemoth merch

that's coming getting made uh so that'll that'll probably be next month's thing sam you got two more weeks to send out uh shirts of yours to the patrons. Yeah, I'm going to send out shirts or maybe I'll send out a special surprise. Don't just shave your ass and your goatee and mail that out because we already did that. That was cute. The first month or two. I have all those teeth of Gordy's and they stink for two reasons. Number two reasons.