Chubby Behemoth - Water Dump

Episode Date: September 4, 2020

Poly Pocket. Beat to death. Is that Patches?                    Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

I think I'm bringing it again. Ready? Yeah, dude. Hey, Chubby Chasers. It's another episode of Chubby Behemoth. Finally. Me, Nathan Lund, and Marco Ronaldo. Hello.

It's me, a soccer player. I am Marco Ronaldo. Oh, I said it wrong. Sorry. Yeah, it's Ronaldo. You know me. The language is ever-evolving, man. All right, let's stop that.

What? Anyway. I'm Latinx. Can you speak in a voice that isn't your own without it being completely inappropriate? I'm Latino. I can do that. It's either gay Latino or black guy. That was this.

Old black guy. Hey, I'm an old gay black guy. Oh, he's gay. That makes it better. Yeah. It's not as an old gay black guy. Oh, he's gay. That makes it better. Yeah. It's not as bad. Wake me up. A lot of great feedback so far from all the Chubby Chaser Nation.

Yeah. We gave away our $10,000 secret caller prize. We did. And hey, thanks for calling in. The line was blowing up. Yeah, I feel bad for whoever's phone number that was. Yeah.

It was at a youth home in Omaha. Ask about the Franklin scandal. So you had a show tonight. Was that good? No. Yeah, comedy sucks. Comedy honks.

Podcasting is the future. This is it, dude. This is where I get my checks cashed. I like being able to wear no sleeves, short pants, flip flops. You look like you came from a stock car race. Yeah, dude, waving that checkered flag. Yeah, at least I'm glad it's a checkered flag this time instead of the stars and bars.

Before the race. Let's start the race. War! Gentlemen, start your engines and load your muskets. You can't say engines. First Americans, please. Our indigenous heroes. You know, I read about 40 pages of Howard Zinn's People's History and I had to stop

because it's just... And then more Native Americans were slaughtered. It's fucked. Yeah. Like, when the first... When the settlers and stuff, Americans,

weren't killing people, I read that they were cutting down all of the trees because it was too hot. They were like, man, it's hot. I blame the trees. And they killed a bunch of trees.

Let's get rid of all this shade. Yeah, let's get... This cloud cover sucks. Let's rip the sun from the sky. Just the dumbest, primitive thinking, for sure, to be like, oh, yeah, it's hot as hell, and it's humid, and I think it has something to do with these trees, so let's get rid of all of them and see what happens.

Well, they thought the heat lived in the tree. That's how it worked. They were like, squirrels generate heat, and we've got to get them out of there. Look, man, everyone's talking about this Native American genocide. That's what they're talking about. And you just wanted people to know that they're talking about it. Yeah, just want to remind them we know what you're saying. The Canadians got away with murder up there.

My wife, megan said that and i don't i don't believe half of what she said take this with a grain of salt and a side of pepper yeah zip it up your skirt but she you kooky broad she told me get back in the washing machine she told me that like canadian cops will often if they if they see somebody drunk walking down the road, especially if they're Native American, they pick them up and drive them 50 miles. Yeah, it's called the Midnight Express. Is it? Yeah, it's called the Midnight Stroll.

They'll drive them out to the woods, drop them off, and then they freeze to death. But it's not murder because they were just, it's Native American. They were probably fighting a spirit or It's fucking crazy. A Sasquatch attacked them. I like to think of Canadians as a bunch of betas, you know? But apparently... We're the alphas down south. They got trouble up there as well. They're not all perfect up there.

No, they're up there playing Yu-Gi-Oh. We're down here polishing our guns. You know, it's a dork forest. No, they got guns, dude. Not as many as us. They got guns. They have a lot of guns. There's just not as many of them.

So wouldn't their gun ownership be more per capita then? And all these stats you're always cooking up? You and Megan? You and your lying wife? We have more guns, I'm sure. And everybody that has a gun has 50 guns or whatever. We can't just have a couple

of anything. No, we can't have a couple cheeseburgers. No. We have to set the world record. No, we can't have a couple cheeseburgers. No. We have to set the world record. Yeah, you can't have a couple beers. You have to have 14 in two hours.

You can't have one wife. You gotta have seven and two of them are underage. Everybody's gotta be poly now. Yeah. Polynesian.

You know what they should make? They should make a jerk-off device called the poly pocket and there's seven different holes on it and they all feel different

you know what I mean? that'd be cool dude cause I don't know if you've ever had a jerk off device but that old hole gets kind of tiresome that one mouth maybe it's like a big giant rubber ass and you fuck it from behind but give me a stab wound on the side

give me a cesarean scar on that torso I'm having sex with. You're going to open up the cesarean? Yeah. You open up the pit. Et tu, Brute? That was the first cesarean scar. That's right.

Yeah. That was old Caesar. A baby came out of Caesar. Like, oh, get that back in there. People are loving the sound effects. Yeah, that's a lot of the feedback. They were like, Sam, don't do any other people, but certainly do sounds and gurgles of a child. Do your impression of a shape. Yeah, you do a great job in personifying colors and abstract ideas. Yeah, I paint with all the in personifying colors and abstract ideas.

Yeah, I paint with all the colors of the wind. I'm Mulan. I'm Jasmine, y'all. That was Pocahontas. Oh, very tricky. Pocahontas, Disney's favorite child bride. Yeah, she had... Who's a different child bride?

I think a lot of the German ones are child brides. So, Cinderella and... Cinderella had the... That was the mice. Yeah, she's a stepdaughter. She's still living at home. That's a child bride. Yeah, I think she was trying to get...

Her stepmother was trying to sell her off to the highest bidder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, come on by, drop off a couple pounds of butter. She was trying to sell the other ones. The other ones were big fat pigs, though, right? Yeah, the Disney version. It's like, come on by, drop off a couple pounds of butter. She's trying to sell the other ones. The other ones were Big Fat Pigs, though, right? Yeah, the Disney version, at least. Yeah, Sleeping Beauty. That one's no good.

I used to have a joke about how a lot of old songs are about very young girls. It's weird to hear those old songs. Sixteen Candles. Let's put a couple more candles on that cake. Yeah, yeah. Let's not celebrate too soon. Let's let her take the car a couple times around the block on her own before you hop in and put a bunch of dynamite in the trunk.

Right, yeah. I mean, she has her permit. If there's a permit in the pocket, you can't play ball. That's what I always say. Yeah, weird messaging going on back then. She's only 17. If you know what I mean. I don't know what you mean.

You're horny, you old dog. Yeah, you're 42, winger. Chip winger, get the fuck out of here. Chip wiener. Yeah. Nice. Nice improv right there. Yeah. Nice. Nice. Nice improv right there.

Yeah. What were we saying before the pod? You can either yes and or me too. That's when you take improv classes. Those are the only options with improv. Yeah. You're probably going to get creeped out by a guy that's, you know, asking for a suggestion on where to take you for dinner tonight. Yeah.

It's like, oh, good. Yeah, I want to date an improv guy. Oh, God. Is there anything more embarrassing to bring home? I'd rather bring home, like, a child pornographer than an improviser. At least people are watching your stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah, there's some circulation.

Yeah, you're getting some hits. It's getting passed around. I have seen some good improv, and you, I'm sure, were good at improv. I have seen some good improv and you, I'm sure, were good at improv. I was the best. Everyone always said it. Did you work well with other people or did you just draw

attention to you and not try to make a scene with other people? No, of course I worked well. I'm a great team player. I love being part of a team. I was an offensive lineman. You weren't like Chris Farley, just coming out there and, Hey, look at me! No! Uh-uh.

No, he was a pulling guard. I was a pass blocker. Alright? He was trying to lead the way. I'm trying to just do my bucket step, get my hands on him, man. Yeah, no, I loved, you're only as strong as your scene partner. That's what we say in improv. That's one of the golden rules.

Is that true? You're only as strong as the weakest performer. So you've in improv that's one of the golden rules you know you're only you're only as strong as the weakest performer so you got to make everyone look good so the scene sings and that's impossible to do and that's why improv is mostly bad yeah improv stinks is that whoever the weakest is is going to be very weak yeah for sure because in improv when you're starting you're playing with like the funny guy at the office whose son just drowned you know and he needs like, this is his therapy. His name's Pete, definitely, every time. Or you're playing with, like,

you know, Gert, the 75-year-old widower who needs to get out of the house. Yeah, you're stuck with these fucking, you know. It's gotta be tough. Yeah, these head wound victims, and it's like, alright, everyone, you're in a car. Where are you going? And Pete's like, not my son's house. He's dead.

Yeah, not my house. My wife changed the lock. Yeah. Yeah, that's got to be tough. Because at least like, whenever people are like, when musicians are like, man, I could never be up there alone. I always look at it the other way, which is, I would hate to have to worry about whether one of the other four idiots that I'm on stage with is going to blow it, you know, is going to fuck up the whole night. Yeah, and one of them's probably guilty of some kind of transgression. That's the thing. Every band, one guy's dirty. Yeah.

You know? And it's like, that's the beauty of improv is everyone's dirty. Everyone's guilty. There's blood on everyone's hand up there. Everybody's driven drunk and run over somebody in the night. Everyone's committed some kind of voter fraud, you know. Everyone's perpetrated a coup against Nicaragua or some kind of banana nation. So, yeah, improv sucks.

Being in a band's tough. I was in bands, man. I rode. I put on the golden earring, you know. We had our love. When it was you and Clay, you didn't have to worry too much about Clay blowing it. You were the one that would blow it, right? I would never blow anything.

Oh, okay. Except for my cousin. But he doesn't count. Nice. Old hog-a-noosh. No. I agree for sure. He was a hog-a-noosh.

This guy had a hog. No, yeah, I never had to worry about Clay performing any kind of impropriety. I mean, we slept in a fucking van next to each other. What, is he going to bring a girl back and listen to me whack? No way. Yeah. The van's just for the fellas.

Right. Yeah. Good call. The front seat's where you make love. You want to get in the back, you fuck a couple guys. Just like improv. Yeah. I'm glad that you stopped doing improv so that we could be friends.

No one likes it. It's a real sign of, what is it? It's a scarlet letter. Yeah. People hated me because I came from improv. I got a suggestion for you, and they grab their nuts you know spit in my mouth so i got suggestions swallow this um so yeah no stand-ups are purists and if you've done anything that isn't just holding a microphone and talking about impotence you're a traitor to the cause. Well, yeah, but it is annoying when shitty stand-ups

still think that they can shit on improv because it's like they chose the cool the cooler option. Yeah, they pushed up the sleeves on their leather jacket and started smoking Camel Reds. Yeah, they're barely allowed to be

in the stand-up smoking section. A lot of people shouldn't be in like the stand-up smoking section a lot of people shouldn't be allowed to do stand-up yeah you should like literally have to go in front of some kind of military tribunal and say three funny things and if you do they're like alright

you can do four minutes it should be like how they assign jobs in North Korea yeah stand-up is fucked because like there's a bunch of terrible musicians but at least how they assign jobs in North Korea. Yeah, stand-up is fucked because there's a bunch of terrible musicians but at least you have to learn how to play guitar.

Or just put a capo on and look hot. There's ways around it but still, I feel like there's nothing there's no talent or skill barrier to starting to do stand-up. You just have to be able to speak even broken English.

You can still go up there and take a swing. And also, if you do go up there and you barely speak English, people are going to laugh at you. Yeah, you're going to do pretty good. Yeah, you're going to crush. Come on back. Prakash Asal. I was going to say Prakash! I love Prakash. I didn't say it because I thought you'd yell at me.

No, you're not making somebody up. He's a real guy. And he doesn't speak broken English, but he has a very thick accent. And I think a lot of people... Hari Kondabalu would have hated Prakash Asal. and I think a lot of people Hari Kondabalu would have hated Prakash yeah well he is so angry

which I think was part of the fun Prakash was great he would just yell at hipsters and be like I have seven degrees yeah I came from mother Pakistan or wherever I think he's from India I think he's from New Jersey

that's why he talked funny and ate weird food. Yeah, big Bon Jovi head. Yeah. But yeah, man, I mean, if you're trying to do stand-up, don't, okay? We're in a pandemic. Just move back to fucking... Move back to Frankfort, Kentucky and apologize to your parents and let them move into your old high school room.

Moe Lawns. Moe Lawns. Moe Vita. Moe Vaughn. All right? Sell your baseball card. Buy a house. Did we talk about how we both thought that we were going to be rich off of comic books

and baseball cards until... Yeah, of course. Yeah, that was stupid. There's only four things that we've ever talked about. I don't remember. We've talked about... One of them's my hog. One of them's yours.

And then it's Prakash Asali and how we thought we were going to get rich off collectibles. Yeah, man, that sucked. That was like my whole childhood. I got leered at by several fucking child predators in order to frequent their candy stores. Yeah, and also to play dodgeball, you had a certain coach. I don't know if you want to talk about old Tondrick. Sure. Yeah.

Yeah, Tondrick was almost certainly a creep He was our gym teacher he wasn't a coach He taught gym He was your gym taster he blew your friend Jim Yeah He taught gym all kinds of things That no 7 year old should know Two hand touch

He stole his bacon And his innocence Did you guys play steal the bacon That's a fun one He stole his bacon. And his innocence. Did you guys play steal the bacon? That's a fun one. We used a piece of microwave bacon. Did you really? No.

What's steal the bacon? Bowling pin in the center of the room, and then you got two teams, and each team counts off like one through whatever. So both sides have numbers one through 20 or whatever. And then Tondrick, or whoever is in charge. Yeah, whatever child predator. We're sides have numbers one through 20 or whatever. And then Tondric, or whoever is in charge. Yeah, whatever child predator was alone in the gym with these boys.

Whatever pervert decides they want to, you know, scar children. Yeah, whatever monster with a two-year bachelor's degree from University of Phoenix, University of Phallus. You yell out...

You yell out a number and... 69! No. Me! You don't have number and... 69! No. Me! Blow me! You yell out seven and then the two... Inches or less! I'm tight!

The two sevens try to be the first one to grab the bowling pin and run it back to your side. Huh. So if you steal it and the other person doesn't tag you then you win so guys like you and me were never winning uh i was okay at it i've never beaten a child in the foot race i wasn't huge when i was younger i was like big but kind of quick yeah never got me oh but t. Oh, but Tondrick's deal was that a lot of the equipment was in the boys' changing room, and we had this other PE teacher,

and he would always have everything ready to go when we got there. So he would tell us what we were doing. We would go change. That was Drickton, right? Coach Drickton? And then there was Tondrick. That was, what was his last name? It was like Christakis? No. Sure. we would go change that was Drickton right coach Drickton and then there was Tondrick that was

what was his last name it was like Christakis no sure it was Mr. C I think was what we called him

because I think he had a long last name kind of weird Polish war criminal name some awful yeah Mr. Christakis

he had crab fingers yeah he couldn't grab any of us old lobster head because of the fire but yeah he would always tell us what we were doing.

Then we would go change and then do whatever. Tondric would tell us what we were doing. We would go change. And then he would go grab stuff. And he would just always... He would grab a lot of equipment. People would play Suzanne things. He was a noun grabber.

But, yeah, he would come in and like grab you know get the equipment for for whatever we were doing and it just seemed like he was lingering and fucking so i don't know if he was beaten off later or sketching us from memory but yeah i figured uh that he would have gotten busted at some point i've googled him and i never saw anything well he for sure had a fake name I've googled him and I never saw anything. Well, he for sure had a fake name. Tondrick's not a real name. Fake papers that he used to get a teaching job?

Yeah, when he was probably some kind of Nazi scientist who escaped after the war. And he came over here and he's like, what is best, Gorb? He can't say job. What is the Gorb for men like more? What can I do for Monzees? I thought maybe a bunch of kids would have banded together and killed him. Because you figure

if he's... Well, yeah. You figure he's not just looking, right? Like, no perv has ever just gotten completely satiated from, like, you know, dipping a toe. I don't know and just looking now come on i've looked but not touched yeah right i love to leer yeah well i'm saying if you have some really like deviant i don't look at kids obsession

i've seen you stare at children it's because you want to have them which is even crazy no it's because i'm jealous of their ice cream cone let me get a little metabolism yeah like man i those kids are running around burning all those calories yeah how many slices of pizza you had a meal little emile i never had any perv teachers oh good no that's not true i had mr hauser mr hauser lost three of his fingers in a thresher accident and he dodged the draft for vietnam and he taught resource which was like taught you study skills in ninth grade and you don't know how to study by ninth grade i don't know if you're gonna pick it well you could test out of it if you were smart but if you were super smart you would blow the

test and then have like a period off pretty much where you can hang out with all the morons learn how to chew skull so i didn't test out of it. I was like, I'm fucking taking resource for sure, you know. So they were like, all right, what are your state capitals? And I was like, Bolivia. And they were like, all right. What's state capital? Put this helmet on.

But yeah, Hauser, he was all nubbed up. And he would brush girls' hair back with his nub. Yeah, he would always be like, oh, you have a stray hair. And like touch people's faces and shit. Why not use the other hand? Because I think that's how he got hard. Nub the forehead. Here's the nub. Here's the nub.

So anyway, he was a genius because he would have a, hey man, we're going to have a little talk back, okay? And I know you guys are going through some crazy times because you're 14 and the world's changing, your bodies are changing so everyone fill out these cards, alright?

And you can ask me any question you want. And all the questions were like, of course, what's it like to be gay? How many dicks have you seen? What's my cum taste like? Jeez. So it was insane. No one asked a legit question besides one kid who was like, how do I get into the army? And he was like, great question, PJ he was insane. No one asked a legit question besides like one kid who was like,

how do I get into the army? And he was like, great question, PJ Pavelko. But so we thought the joke was on him. He knew our handwriting. Yeah. So when you, you know, asked him like, you know, how big was that horse's dick? Right. Or like how many Jews did 9-11 or whatever it might have been. Uh, he was, he would take you aside after class and me and andy quinn got in trouble for writing mean things a lot of hate speech in that that question box just trying to get him to say stuff you know yeah wanting him to read it out loud yeah like he's accidentally gonna say it i would always just write baba booey baba booey yeah classic classic damn he had Hauser bad news

but you figure he maybe drew the line at just brushing hair he leered oh okay he was looking at young boobs a lot

I remember some girls told me old Hauser had the wondering eye and he liked to touch a thigh by and by he was that kind of guy

on Fridays he did a fry touch a thigh by and by. He was that kind of guy. On Fridays, he did a fry. He was Catholic. But it was fish. So, look, I've done two podcasts today. I did a show. I don't want to hear excuses. I'm not giving excuses.

I'm telling you why I'm so good right now. Oh, why you're feeling it? Yeah, I'm telling you why I'm rhyming. Oh, okay, yeah. I'm the rhyming auditorium, brother. Play hockey in me. You're on stage rhyming and now off stage your brain is still in rhyme mode.

Yeah, it's Rhyme Time Live. I hate it so much. It's time to Rhyme Time Thrive. Slime Lime. Okay. But on stage tonight you know this guy Peter, Tall Peter, he's a comedian. Peter Hines. Yes.

He's here all the time for some reason, probably visiting his secret family that he isn't telling anyone about. Lives in Indianapolis. Funny guy. Tall guy. His sister was there, who was a lesbian police officer. It doesn't matter her sexual preference. But she's a police officer, and she looks like it. LPO. Yeah,'t matter her sexual preference. She's a police officer and she looks like

LPO. Yeah, from behind. Looks like Jean-Claude Van Damme. Everyone's on stage, goofing around with her, walking the thin blue line. Is she wearing a police uniform? No, but she held her gun on everyone. Just waving it around? Yeah,

blindly. Pull over! Like, what what she knells on hawker's neck but uh hawker was there hawker was there hawker the hawk man surfaced but yeah so hawker went up and i told byron graham i was like hey man here's something funny you should say because he went up right after hawker and i was like yeah you should say hey peter's sister thanks for not shooting brian you know luckily he didn't turn his back and instead byron said hey thanks for not stopping and frisking hawker so that didn't hit turn it into a commentary on new york mayor bloomberg stop and frisk policy right yeah fucking byron byron do the bit or don't do the bit. Yeah, he just half-assed it. Yeah, and then he said it like, he was like, hmm.

Yeah, yeah. I'm a hero. Like he's doing a gossip column on TMZ. Right. Byron's a fanciful lad who wears a vest, unironically. And, yeah, and he said it like, you know, the great Gadsby. Like, hmm. With an air of pontification.

That was delightful and delicious. My verbal trifle didn't defend, did it miss? He would definitely, if he were from anywhere east of here... He would have been beaten to death. No, no, he would have had that wealthy mid-Atlantic voice that we do. Like Brahman? Yeah, you call it Brahman. Boston Brahman.

Yeah, but I think they're different, but it's where you talk without opening your teeth. Oh, yes, Margaret. I will have another chrysanthemum. May I have more dandelion wine, dearie? Oh, I love to be rich so that we can eat so many different flowers. Mmm, yes, lavender. It's so stupid. It sounds like they're on the brink of coming all the time.

Mmm, yes. Oh, behave, Basil. All right. behave, Basil. Alright, I like the progression of this podcast because we started with Cartman voice and now we've gone through several Italian voice. Right.

Was last episode, I think. Doing Austin Powers with his jaw wired shut. Austin Powers, American Austin Powers. Yeah, baby, yeah. It sounds like a man turning into a lion. American Austin Park. Yeah, baby, yeah. It sounds like a man turning into a lion. Here I am,

I'm the landed gentry of Upper Covington near Derby. Yeah, it's pretty fun. I used to do

a character that was called Xenagos the Reveler that talked like that. Oh, shit. He didn't have any jokes.

He would just speak. Oh, and you did that for death, too, for the Halloween roast. Yeah. Yeah, shit. He didn't have any jokes. He would just speak. Oh, and you did that for death, too, for the Halloween roast. Yeah. Yeah, it's a fun voice,

but if you met someone that really talked like that, you would try to beat them to death with whatever was nearby. Yeah, you'd be like, where'd you get the time machine?

Yeah, I guess that dialect died. I don't know. We don't talk like this from beyond the grave. I'm a ghost. Bring forth the perennials. Yours is

more Eastern European vampire type of sounding. But yeah, it's like, what were those? Gorvidal and William Buckley. They had those head to head. I had to pop you in the jaw, you queer.

Don't touch me. Not under my face, at least. You damn queer. Both of us talk like cartoon characters, but we're intellectuals. Yeah, I don't know if they talked like that. It was more...

It was a little bit more pronounced and a little bit more intentional. A little more precise. It's like they're always... Absolute garbage. You piece of transient trash. You blister on the face of good taste. Yeah, those are pretty fun to watch. Yeah, man, that was great.

They're just, like, seething. You know, they're like... At first, I think it was for show or whatever, and they were trying to argue the Vietnam War or whatever, but then I think they really started to get personal and hate each other. Yeah, one was a conservative, and... Yeah, Buckley was...

Buckley was conservative and uh Gorvidal was it Gorvidal Norman Mailer yeah I think it was Gorvid Gorvey as his friend called him

oh Gorvey you cad that'll do uh let's just do the voice I just want to do the voice that's all I want to do nothing would please me more.

Nothing pleasures my hiney more than talking like this. Mother, please fetch me another doubloon to devour. Mother, this cream is too warm. I'll have nightmares. Yeah, it's easy to be jealous of rich people until you meet some of them it's like oh they have a whole other ball of wax that they have to deal with yeah i feel bad for them kind of not guys you know what i mean there's there's not as much uh open affection or love there's a lot of

competition and like you know I don't know. I'm not saying feel bad for them. I'm saying don't be jealous of them. I'd slit your throat for $100. Give me some money, alright? You don't need feelings if you're rich. Well, that's part of it too, yeah. Emotions are for the weak, dude.

Nah, that's where the real living is what feeling stuff yeah the ups and downs nah dude the roller coaster of life nah you just need to get a prescription for some kind of mood altering drug when you're 13 and then sexually harass your nanny until they ship her back to bulgaria it's a good life man i get away with killing a girl when you're 13 that rocks yeah there's too much they get too much power too quick when they're young and they have somebody fired I've gone through several au pairs

dude my friend Colin Lyons' family had an au pair and she had a big au pair and we used to love to go over there man she was Australian and super hot. Damn. Woo! A lot of Forrest sleepovers

at Colin's house. Oh, yeah? Not with the au pair, with Colin. Yeah, why was she there at night? Because she, like, lived there.

Oh. She was in exchange, like, some kind of program where they sent her over from Australia and she'd be like, would you like some more grilled cheese?

And I'd be like, yes, ma'am. Yeah, let me see, open it up for me. Let me see the strings, baby. Yeah, that must have been pretty sick. Good day, mate.

What about good day, Nate? That could be the name of your show in Australia. Yeah, good call. I'm down with that. Australians say heaps all the time. Yeah.

All the Australians who hit me up about the book, shout out, much love. They're always like, I love the book heaps, the time yeah all the australians who hit me up about the book shout out much love they're always like i love the book heaps mate i can't do australian it's tough it is not that i think it's really easy i just never tried no it's it's it's tough to not fall into british well i don't want to be culturally insensitive that's like my whole thing yeah yeah i've i've picked up on that. Uh-huh.

You definitely don't just say whatever dumb shit your brain thinks of first. Hey, man, thinking's for the poor. I'm trying to live rich. He has to say, you're more rich than ever,

so I gotta watch out for you now. I had a kid with my car on the way over here. Yeah, you're not even gonna feel bad about it. No. He was driving it.

That's what the report says, at least. Yeah. Look, man, you're the fucking rich. You're the one who got a bunch of back pay from unemployment. Don't tell the people. Oh, okay. What, you're supposed to be the working man? You're the proletariat?

And I'm the fucking boss? I earned every cent. Yeah. That's a lot of bingo hosting. You got chunked. You're straight paid. Yeah, I didn't think it was gonna happen but it did yeah got that back uh back pay through march now you and you got the fucking 600 bucks a week retroactive right yeah yeah that's all man i'm yeah i'm floating right now can i have some of the money? No. Come on! You've been selling books and...

I've been selling blood. Selling blood? Yeah. Selling your soul? Letting dying old guys look at your naked ass? Yeah. Not online either, in person. No, man, I go down...

Go to their house. Go to the hospice. It's 50 to touch, it's 20 to look at it. It's meet Thursday, gather in the playroom. I go in there wearing booty shorts, put on cat scratch fever, give a bunch of people strokes. 50 to touch, 20 to look at it. It's meet Thursday, gather in the playroom. I go in there wearing booty shorts, put on cat scratch fever, give a bunch of people strokes.

That would be a good... You're shaking it to Nugent? Yeah, man. Rubbing my nub to Nuge. It's me, Huge Nuge. I dump out my little weenus. Let me stir your soup, sir. Yeah, you call it huge. It's ironic.

It's post-modern. It's post-Malone. I have a tattoo of post-Malone on my dick. Why don't we have that service? Why don't we let sex workers go beat people to death? Like, beat them off to death. Why to death?

Well, because they're already going out. They're in a hospice, right? Oh. So why not give them a couple strokes into the other side? Send them off smiling. It's like when they used to put coins on people's eyes to get to the River Six. Yeah, those were for the boatman. Right.

Kyron? Can't remember his name. Yeah, he just made it boatman. Right. Karen? Kyron? I can't remember his name. Yeah, you just made it up. It's fine. I know. I almost remember what it is. It's something like that. I almost said Karen, but it's like C-H-A-R-O-N.

I think it's Caron. Oh, Carlos Colon? Yeah. It's me, Carlos Colon, man. Hey, best ball. But yeah, I think that'd be a good job I have been in support

of euthanasia you know I support all ages in Asia yeah get over there check out that giant ass wall fuck with some chopsticks yeah euthanasia assisted suicide where John Stockton

pulls the plug for you why not maybe Gary Payton get the glove in there blow the glove up real big and then put it over your face and suffocate Howie Mandel style that's how Howie's going out that's the Canadian goodbye we had to do that we had to argue that in

like high school for like a debate you know uh was when we were me and the the my team was pro euthanasia i thought you had to debate whether howie mandel was funny or not answer yes uh i like clean comedy and he's ocCD so it's the cleanest comedy there is yeah there's not a germ in there he never sneezed on stage in his life

he throws out the microphone when he's done but yeah I think god I mean if you have a doctor

tell you you're fucked how dare you say to that person you just gotta sit there and be all doped up for the next like two years and then choke on your own vomit. Lose all your dignity, start wearing a diaper. Not for fetish purposes.

Oh, yeah. You fill up a diaper and you have to have some stranger that hates you change you every day? Ugh. God damn. Some Jamaican lady comes over. That sucks. Yeah, it's bad news she yells at you she hates you

oh you done shit you dungy dirty boy you make a mess in your pantaloo him denim is shitty man yeah no it sucks. They're wearing denim on their deathbed.

Denim deathbed. Auspice jeans. You want to wear your white jeans? You're going to shit them. It's after Labor Day. Also, your colon was removed. You're just blinking in Morse code. Kill me 24-7.

Yeah, it's crazy that people can be so against what would feel to me to be something that's completely an individual choice, you know? Or, you know, a family that gets put in charge of that decision. You can't tell the doctor, oh yeah, you know, make their...

Take it out. Yeah, they're done. Yeah. Put them out back. Yeah, throw them in the trash let me get let me get one of the kidneys and then the other one you know give it to a sick kid or whatever let me get out my grapefruit spoon and pop a couple of eyes out in case i need them otherwise this ship has sailed yeah it's uh i think emily's gonna do that

kill people for fun i don't know if kill people for fun, but euthanasia. What? You can be a doctor that focuses on that? No, but I think you can prescribe the drug. I think that Colorado and Oregon are the two where it's allowed.

I think so. Yeah, I think it's not a right-to-work state, but we're a right to die state right I mean people are so stoned here they're like yeah man take me out brother

let me hey man let me just let me finish this fish show and then blow my goddamn brains out let's turn that black lie poster

into a blood lie poster man I want to meet that guy that guy's cool he's got some stories to tell. In a lot of different voices and accents. Well, he's been all over the world, and he likes to get a little piece of the culture

as he's in his travels. No, that's just his brain has been reduced to mush from the cancer. He's like, I talk all over the place. He talks like Scree talk all over the place. Talks like screech. I guess, yeah, there are some states that have allowed doctors

to prescribe certain pills or whatever and then you can take them at home. Yeah, you can prescribe a pillow. It's the MyPillow. The GoodbyePillow. Take two pillows and have your next of kin call me in the morning

we'll throw your ass into the incinerator we've got that uh it's recycling day we've got that crematorium across the alley from us dude uh it's weird to be able to see bodies get wheeled in. Yeah, and to smell it, too. I don't really usually smell it. I lived right there. I lived six feet from the chimney, dude. You could smell it in your bed? Yeah, it was like having a balcony on Auschwitz.

It sucked. Damn. Yeah, it was bad news, man. And, like, the window would be open upstairs where our bed was, and you'd just smell, like, burnt bacon. And you're like, oh, cool. They fucking burnt a fat guy today. Good morning, baby.

Every day's a gift. Trying to get some afternoon delight. Yeah. Trying to get a head. Burning some guy. You can smell grandma. Fuck. Trying to give head.

You're like, oh, I think I got a yeasty. The muffins ran too long. Yeah, dude, I think Wednesdays were the day they burnt people because i lived like what 15 feet away from that right so there's enough of a difference i guess from uh from me and megan being an extra you were over there in your castle and i was over there in the grandma cottage that's right yeah the mother-in-law. Oh, dude, that reminds me, there was a fucking, there was a time where I did a show in Grand Junction years ago, like 12 years ago.

I'm in Grand Junction. Who are you opening for, BT? No, Dick Black had, it was Dick Black's room. Dick Black production. Yeah, it was a DBP. And you had a DBT. I had to go to the hospital. It was a DBP.

When you had a DBT, you had to go to the hospital. He had me do this, it was a hot rock Japanese steakhouse, you know, where you get the meats cooked on the little slab of marble or whatever. Yeah. So that was pretty cool. But they had, like, this local guy host, and he was like, oh, yeah, I'm going to, you know, do 10. And, like, the first show he did, like, four. The second show he did, like, oh, yeah, I'm going to do 10. And the first show he did four. The second show he did three. Classic.

And he was doing street jokes. And he did, what is it? Did you know that mother-in-law has the exact same letters as woman Hitler? Is that true? It is, I think. That's cool. It's crazy. Wow.

What genius did that? God is real. Yeah. Holy. I mean, God is real. Yeah, holy shit. Yeah, there is a whole poetry to this life thing. But, uh... So, yeah, he dusts off that old chestnut, and afterwards I'm like, you didn't write that. And he's like, well, no, but, you know,

I work at the mines with these fellas, and they're always cracking jokes, and so I'm like, hey, literally, but, you know, I work at the mines with these fellas, and they're always cracking jokes. And so I'm like, hey, literally, this guy was like, you know, they'll tell me I can use some of these jokes. And I'm like, hey, why not? So not only was he doing street jokes, but he, like, went short running out of street jokes. I forgot that he worked at the mine with Mort Saul. It was fucking crazy. Henny Youngman works at the mine.

he worked at the mine with Mort Saul. It was crazy. Henny Youngman works at the mine. Yeah, he's old coal miners. Their brains don't remember

where they live when they drive home at night. No. But they can still remember a ten minute long joke that you can butcher and forget

halfway through. Saying, having your excuse be I work at the mines with some fellas. That's just a great excuse for literally anything. Drunk driving. Yeah, it's like, me and the fellas. That's just a great excuse for literally anything. Drunk driving.

Yeah, it's like, sorry. Me and the fellas just got out of the old canary factory and tied one on tight. Tied a canary to my toe. It's dead. I'd like to work in a mine. Would you? Why not?

I want to do some hard manual labor, man. Really earn my masculine card. Die of emphysema at 39? Yeah. Yeah, that's living. I mean, hey, it's more than you libtards have done. You die making 75K a year in the 90s. Yeah, but it's all the coal you can eat.

It's all the methane you can bottle, man. it's all the methane you can bottle man yeah that's uh almost worth it i guess is what they would say about mining coal i really don't want to work in a mine i've decided with your bleach blonde hair yeah i just walked it back in my head you'd be the canary they'd be like hey if you pass out then we know that we're in trouble yeah we're gonna leave the cage doesn't fit you. They just got me in a cage completely nude. They put cigarettes out on me. I'm all sweaty

and covered in dust. That's a job, man. Cage boy? Nude cage coward? Why? Yeah, I guess you get hot down there so you're nude. Yeah, well, I mean, I think that's what the foreman wants.

They flip you a little chunk of gold while they're down there. All the cigarette butts I can eat. Use my tongue. It's mine. I'm a toilet. The boy is mine. Brandy and Monica coming up. Yeah, man, it's almost the anniversary.

No, they're doing a versus. Oh, the rap thing? Brandy and Monica. They wanted me on there. They wanted you to put a pillow over your face. You sit on it.

Pig versus pillow. What else? What else is there, you know? Man. We're just two men trying to get through this crazy life. I don't think we're allowed to say that we're men. Right. We're just two vertebrates.

We're male adjacent. We're trying to crawl out of the muck. You know those primordial ooze that we're all mired in? I'm just trying to fucking grow some feet. That's all I'm trying to do, man. Is that right? Yeah, I'm tired of my pretty... You're protozoan. Yeah, I'm trying to do man is that right yeah I'm trying I'm tired of my you're protozoan yeah

I'm protozoan I'm anti-tozoan get them out of here yeah lock them up that's what I say ship them back mitosis more like halitosis

they stink oh I had a funny disease I heard about alright makes your dick shrivel up sign me up. I'm sick of this thing. It sucks.

Yeah, you gotta freeze that word off, man. I don't think it's an award anymore. I can't get away with that lie anymore. Your dick's an award. Has your dick

ever been so small that it's like... My dick's an Audi. Yeah, my dick can be real bummer sometimes. Bummer, yeah. Yeah, it looks like

a baby's belly button. It's funny how small they can get. It's nuts how little they can get. Real accordion down there. It's like, man, pick one and just stick with it. Or find a happy medium. But instead, it's all over the place. Slinky style.

It's like, do I want my fucking bagel bite or do I want a 12 inch grinder? You know? I don't even want... I don't even want to keep thinking about your fucking terrible hog. I wish it were tiny, but you'd be even more of a nightmare

if it were tiny. And I don't think it's big or else you'd be even more of a fucking jerk. You think I'm the perfect dick? No, not perfect. I'll bet it's very just like fine but like not a big deal. Just like okay.

It's like Ghostbusters 2. It'll do in a pinch. It's not the best movie. It's not the worst movie. If you're on an airplane, it'll work. You're not gonna fall asleep halfway through. You're gonna watch. You're not gonna watch it again,

though. I'm surprised I haven't seen it. I saw Bobby's once when we were on tour. That was pretty cool. You haven't shut up about it. That was 12 years ago. It was a good one. It was a good one. Alright. I said it was a good one. I didn't turn into you. It was good one. All right. I said it was a good one. No, you were so excited. It was good one.

You were so excited you forgot a preposition. It was under a good one. I like him. Okay. It's good ball. Those were Italian guys in Italy? Oh, my God. Okay.

Those Italians, man. They said okay in a very fun way. Yeah, they said it like they were, you know, touched by the hand of God. Like one of the Lord's perfect angels. And everyone says it that way, too. Like, we checked into a hotel, and the old lady, it was, like, late at night, and we were like, hey, you know, we're here at the Airbnb. And she was like, okay!

She screamed, and a bunch of birds flew out of the chimney. The baby started crying. My wine glass exploded. They were all just screaming all the time. Okay! Waking each other up. They're like little John. It's insane over there.

On the streets, you'd like, can I get a lighter? Okay, man! Yeah, they're so excited to talk to someone. And they were cool with you huh they loved me foreigners loved me i guess uh i was scared for emily to go over there but because they're so handsy because they are romantic but i feel like they can also be very like the guys are still very much the alphas and the women I think a lot of the women are probably still kind of subservient

quiet demure it's a lot of walking your date around by the back of her arm you know they all have the Roman kiss so she can't run away

which is just a bruise on the back of their fucking arm yeesh yeah it's bad news so yeah I thought maybe Emily would get sick of like guys

trying to chat her up while you were taking a shit in a tiny bathroom. Yeah, just blowing ink. I ate so much squid ink, man. It was a bad time.

No one made a move on my gal. I would have whooped their ass. I would have caused an international incident. Man, you're going to step to my bitch? Uh-uh. Uh-uh. She's mine, dog. you guys had a good wedding thanks yeah you were there i did uh lsd and then laid down on a couch and when i was looking down at the fibers of the carpet yeah they looked like millions of people that i was above, that I was a mile above.

Tiny people, naked and writhing. It was wild, dude. It looked like a scene from Shortbust. It was, yeah. There's a guy sucking his own dick. Casper's giving an unconscious girl AIDS. Oh no!

That's kids. unconscious girl AIDS. Oh, no! That's kids! It was, we were kids. No, they're no kids. These were all 18 and up, naked adults. Yeah. In my mind. How high were you? You were fucked up.

I was high as hell. You were still drinking, too, right? Yeah, I... You married us. You did the ceremony. I married you guys. I wept the whole time. I ugly cried

while my wife was coming down the aisle. Yeah, you... I blew it. No, it was great. No, I mean, it was like sobbing. Yeah, it was a bit much.

Yeah, it looked like I was keeping a secret. I was crying like a man with regrets. Right. Yeah, like... I saw the end of my life coming towards me dressed in white. Why did we kill that dancer the night before?

Yeah. Uh. Like how I didn't want to call this fake person a stripper. I didn't want to demean an imaginary person. After I called my wife a bitch two minutes ago and said she was my property. I mean, I'm trying to be the good boy. Yeah. No. Yeah. That was a a beautiful wedding lots of fun was had i was gonna say if anybody ever thinks that you're some sociopath some monster i would i would point to how ugly you cried at

the love that you share for your wife that humanized. The beauty of the moment. Well, I'm just saying you did not fake that so that people gave you more money in the happy nuptials card. A lot of notable people didn't give any money or gifts. Damn. I could name names,

but I won't. Let's save it for the Patreon. Yeah, for After Dark. Pay us to find out who didn't pay you. One notable pizza millionaire didn't give any money. I'll say that. That's definitely naming a name. I wouldn't say his name, but I can't pronounce it. Yeah, Papa John has a fucked up last name,

and I don't know why he was at your wedding, but that's crazy they didn't give you any dough. The pizza pizza guy from Little Caesars was there. Dressed like a baby. Little Caesar guy. At doobaba? Polly Polly tried to bang my wife. A friend of mine tried to make a move on

my wife at the after party. What after party? So after the wedding, we all went back to that big house we were staying in. And my Uncle Tom was like Matthew McConaughey and girls, you know? My Uncle Tom's like a hot, like a burnt brown guy from working in a nursery. Yeah. He happily married, you know, father of two kids, lovely man, but he was definitely like kind of looking sexy.

He was bird dogging. He was bird dogging, yeah. He wasn't going to make any moves, but he was flooding a lot of basements. You know what I mean? mean oh he was in control he was like turning heads and then getting off on the the ability to score with these

it was just the fact that young chicks thought he was hot feeling himself he was smoking American Spirit greens blackout drunk my dad was as high as a man should illegally allowed to be

my dad ate edibles like way too much and was just like he fell into the lake yeah he was talking and he came up and he was on a surfboard with sunglasses on

a gold retriever was on his back there was a dog on a surfboard during my wedding ceremony because we got married at Evergreen Lake House. There's a bunch of pictures. Dave Lasso took a bunch of pictures of a dog on a surfboard with sunglasses on

while I'm, like, ugly weeping. Yeah, my dad was just talking to Hippie Man at the wedding the whole time. Hippie Man was like, that's wild, man, and I tried to get away. My dad would be like, another thing about was like, that's wild, man. And I tried to get away. And Dad would be like, another thing about the Mothers of Invention, man. You guys had... I've been to some good weddings. I wish that more people

did not bother because it's like, yeah, we get it, you know? But I'm glad that you had yours. My sister and her husband, Evan, had a great... No, they also had a great wedding, like a classic

nice wedding but like Megan and I eloped you know you were you came down to the courthouse you guys cantalouped

yeah you fucked that melon yeah we had Gallagher marry us and then we took a sledge to that fruit

with his hammer but no I like I like, it made me think of how there was always your parents' weird friends that eloped. It's a pretty good move.

Me and Judy were down there, cheering you on. Yeah, we had one person each. We got it over with. I asked her if she wanted to get married the night before, because the next day was her birthday. And so we already had some plans, but I just thought, her if she wanted to get married the night before, because the next day was her birthday. And so we already had some plans, but I just thought, oh shit,

we could get married. You cried about that too. Of course. I love, I love love. Yeah. I'm easily moved to tears. Yeah.

If you show me a, like a YouTube video of like a dog surprising a troop, you know, or like, I mean the other way around, like a troop comes home from war and the dog loses his mind. A dog surprises the troop in Afghanistan. He comes over the hill, waving a white flag.

You're like, ah, they're surrendering. Wait a minute, is that patches? They shoot it. Like, oh, shit. I thought it was Pat Tillman. It was coming right at us yeah it had a vest on

that says service animal but I thought it said Allahu Akbar the dog just shot up he threw a grenade at it

the dog's name's Friendly. Oh, God, Friendly Fire, no! Those videos make me cry whenever a dog gets shot. I lose it. Yeah. What about when a troop gets shot, you son of a bitch? I get hard. I weep from a different eye

my shorts get even shorter why? because I get hard in my perfect dick as you called it yeah my dick is like Goldilocks it's perfect it's the one she sleeps in your MRE is masturbation ready to ejaculate

he pulled a muscle on that one I had an aneurysm someone she sleeps in. Your MRE is masturbation ready to ejaculate. He pulled a muscle on that one. I had an aneurysm. Tonight at the show I did there was a beer called Jets for Vets and all the proceeds went to troops. I was joking about how

it was like we got free beers so I was like I'm only drinking these because I don't want to give any money to the fucking troops. So it was like less beer that free beers, so I was like, I'm only drinking these because I don't want to give any money to the fucking troops. So it was like less beer that they could give to people who wanted to support the troops. So I went on stage and I was like, hey, you know, let's keep it going for jets, for vets.

Like, what great, it's a great cause. All the money goes to troops, you know, it's great. I don't know if I support the ISIS IPA, but, you know, it's tough to know which side to cheer for. Make sure you swing by the food tent. They've got Al Quesadillas. That one was really hard to say. Yeah. Al Quesadillas.

Al Quesadillas. Al Quesadillas. Al Quesadillas. It worked in the room. I feel like Al Qkay-sa-dee-as is good. No, because the S fucks it up. Al-kay-da-sa-dee-as. That's how you say it.

Ah. Al-kay-da-sa-dee-as. That connects all the dots. Leave a couple for the crowd to figure it out. Crowds are stupid. Oh, I know. Yeah. That's one of my least favorite things about crowds,

is when you have to literally connect every, like, you have to connect the one dot to the next one. Yeah. They can't do that one little leap of faith. Mm-hmm. It's fucked up. Yeah, it's like they want you to lead them to water. And drink a little for them. And spit it in their mouth.

You put it in your mouth. Oh, yeah, yeah. You got to put it in your mouth and then swish it around. Open your mouth. Open up, horse. Wait, open up what? Open who? The bend over.

Yeah. No, your mouth. Your other mouth. Crowds are stupid. Yeah, I don't... Me and Hocker were fucking... It was just...

We were watching people watch comedy and it's like, why would you ever go watch a comedy show? Like, I don't get it. Sitting there for like 90 minutes

and just like 90 minutes, just like not talking, watching other people have a fair to middling act. Yeah, watching people that you don't know are funny. Yeah, like if you want to go see some of the greats, you know, Jerry Seinfeld and Bruce Bruce, like I get that. The two greats? Yeah.

The only two? Yeah. Jimmy Fallon? Jimmy Aveda? Who's going to go see local comedy like that's nuts to me I'm glad people do it but it's very confusing

yeah people that just go because they like the place's beer and then there's comedy and they're like we'll stay

yeah it's like what well we could leave but we got blackout drunk so we're gonna let this buzz wear off

yeah yeah it is the the We could leave, but we got blackout drunk. So we're going to let this buzz wear off. Yeah. Yeah, it is. The comparison has been made to people going to the movie theater and saying, we'll see whatever's next. And I think it's crazy when people are very hard to please and they'll go see comedy they don't know. Because you are wide open to such a giant spectrum of possible comedy. Yeah.

And the comic is probably on the spectrum, so I don't know if that's going to be good or bad for you. Yeah, it's probably going to be a whites-only show in Denver. for you but yeah it's probably gonna be white's only show and that's like going to a restaurant and just saying like i'll take whatever food is next yeah like whatever's coming out yeah whatever the window has hopping it's a crazy move yeah i don't care if the chef's only been doing it for six months and is way too confident yeah his thumbs in the soup who gives a shit bring it out i'll put it in my mouth another chef was supposed to have the meal ready in five minutes and it took him 35 minutes to get it done. By the end of it he was guessing people's birthdays.

I did a bunch of rhyming. Yeah. That's you. That's me. People love it. The future. You know how people are dumb when they like your rhyming shit. They're like, wow, that guy just rhymed six words in a row. Who gives a fuck? Well, I mean, dude, comedy can be anything.

Yeah, you proved that. Yeah, it's the beauty of it. I use every part of the buffalo. I'm like a guy who learns how to paint portraits and landscapes so then he can deconstruct the form and start doing splatter painting of his own blood. I'd like to use every part of Mark Ruffalo. He's a good looking guy. I'd like to skin his, you know, open his belly up and crawl inside.

Yeah, stay warm. Have we talked about this? About me on the beach? Well, me at the Horsetooth? No. So I was at Horsetooth like a week ago up in Fort Collins. Don't tell them your location. You're going to have people swarming.

Well, I'm not. I'll drop a pin. That's for the Patreons. If you're a patron, you can come meet me at Horsetooth and I'll hold your head underwater until I come. They pay you. They pay you every month to do that. Come on up.

I'm near drowning. I'm almost drowning. I just want to feel what God feels like. I want to be the God. You know what it's like to get an abortion. Yeah. I want to be the devil, and then I want to save you. Yeah, and then they owe you. Yeah, give me six bucks.

A month. No, so I've been peeing in the lake, obviously. That's what you do. You hop in the water, splish around a little. I swam across the reservoir the other day and halfway through on the way back I dumped in there too. No way.

Yeah, wait. No way. What do you mean no way? It's the perfect crime. It's a reservoir. It's hundreds of millions of gallons of water. It's supposed to go into people's mouths eventually. I'm feeding the fish.

Keeping it green. You never dumped in a lake? No. What do you mean, no? Becker? Yeah, it's great. Oh, Becker. Yeah, you crack the seal.

It's like opening up a can of soda that's been shooken up. You had your shorts on still. No, I didn't. Yeah, what kind of animal does that? Well, I, this fucking psycho will keep his shorts on. The first time you kept your shorts on and you're like, oh, I'm learning. Next time, take them off. Yeah, you gotta crawl before you run.

But, no, so if you think that taking your shorts off is important for defecating, I was sitting on the beach, and I was sitting there, I was reading, and I was like, I have to pee. And then I had an epiphany. had like a flash of insight i sat there instead of getting in the water i just sat there and peed my shorts i sat on the beach and i whizzed uh-huh and i was like all right because i hadn't peed my pants in a really long time i was like all right that's what it's like in months it was like 2019 it was a couple hours since I was at Starbucks so yeah I sat there I peed I felt the warmth when the warmth dissipated

I got up I got in the water no one knew the wiser what do you mean uh huh I thought maybe you were going to regret it no no regrets it felt great. It was like I was at Sturgis. I wasn't wearing a mask.

Yeah, because that's the thing. When's the last time you peed your pants on purpose and owned it? Never. Exactly. The only pants I pee in are ones that I rent. They're not your pants. You wring them out. Air pee and pee.

You put them on, you pee, you give them back. It's not your problem. Yeah, it was empowering. How much power did you feel from pissing your pants? No, I don't think it was pissing my pants. It was like, I think it was an act of defiance. It was a brave act. Oh, my God. It was kind brave act. Oh, my God.

It was kind of heroic, if you think about it. Yeah, you're so brave. What? You're not doing anything. For sitting there and peeing and then going and rinsing your legs off? I thought about it. I was like, this is what it feels like. That's the thing, is if you're going to live, you need to eat every kind of ice cream.

You know? Life is all about sensual experience and i can check that off the list and both of you idiots haven't done it once yeah why why was it better you didn't save yourself any time you didn't just because i hadn't done it uh i'm feeling what about the poop i'm feeling this yeah I'm peeing in shit. Now when you shit, you just were swimming and you'd shit

and just keep swimming? No, you have to stop. I've never tried to swim while shitting. Were you, were your feet planted? No, I was in the middle. So you were kicking.

No, see, that's the thing is I'm buoyant. I'm like, one of the best things about me is I can go full egg position where you bring your knees up a little and create a V with your back and your thighs, and I

don't need to do anything. Uh-huh. I can just fucking bob like an egg in the water. It's literally one of my best skills. Going full egg, my wife calls it. Yeah. And so you shit. I shit in egg position. And then then so it was pretty much like i was on a squatty potty but i was recumbent right so it just came out it must have been pretty good it

was awesome because the squatty potty's it's like i touched the face of god i need like two of them i feel like to get the the full release valve open you got've got to crack that valve. Yeah, I don't know. They're not tall enough for me to feel a difference. Yeah, because you're 5'6". Everyone listening to this, Lund is a slight man. I'm a little white fish. I'm a little white fish.

You are. But yeah, if you're listening out there and you get a chance to go to the river or you're alone at the reservoir, just your pants horse shit reservoir it's the same thing you're just on land i like the idea that somebody in fort collins turned on their faucet get some water in a pot for some for some morning coffee and they got a little brown in there from you. You like that idea? Uh, yeah.

That sounds like a bad time to me. It's not me, so now I'm loving it. A couple days ago, I was at the river, and a little girl and a little boy were playing while their dad was drinking beers underneath a tree, and the little girl threw a handful of rocks at the boy's face, and the little boy started crying, and the dad came over, and he was like, what, did you handful of rocks at the boy's face and the little boy started crying. And the dad came over and he was like, what, did you just throw rocks at him? And she said, we were playing a game.

And he says, doesn't sound like a fun game. And then I laughed. I was in the water reading and I laughed really hard. Doesn't sound like a fun game. You're reading in the water? Yeah. Just ruining that book. It's a hardcover.

Oh, okay. Yeah, it's impenetrable. What were you reading? Animalia by Del Amo. It's like... In Italian? Uh, yeah. Ask me how it is.

How is it? Okay! Okay! Did you wipe at all, or are you just shitting and then floating away? So when I poop in the water, do I wipe? Yes. That's the question? You're insane.

I'm the puppet nester. What the fuck? We don't need any of that. It doesn't matter whether you wipe or not. No, you don't wipe. What do I think? You think I have a pocket full of wet napkins?

No. Pocket full of wet napkins on the 45. No, you idiot. I'm the idiot for pooping. You're the one asking do I wipe. You want to paint me as this real moron, but really you're hiding under this thin veil of brain. And you're the dumb one, it turns out.

You're the one who wipes standing up, by the way. Oh, yeah, let's get into that. River shitter. Okay. You stand to wipe. I... Yeah. I crash.

yeah I crash I leave the toilet because I can't like get in between my legs and get in there and do it yeah

but I don't like stand up and walk around yeah you go around the side oh yeah that sucks too you lean over I've tried that sucks you raise one cheek

you say hi to the governor with your other hand your leg cramps up. Maybe yours, because you're in there for 45 minutes. Yeah, well, they're asleep, and then you try to lean, and you fall off. Yeah, you watch an entire episode of Succession on the toilet every time. Man, I can't wait for the new season of Succession. I can't wait for you to learn how to wipe your ass.

Are you crocheting? He stands up. Wow. Isn't that crazy? That's the thing, is if you sit down, you don't know the stand-up people are out there. And if you stand up, you don't know the sit-down people are out there. I didn't know that people stood up to wipe. But I don't think you stand the way that some people stand.

I think some people stand the fuck up. Yeah, are you saluting the flag? No, he's just panning for gold. He's like crouched because he goes from the front. No, I still go to the side, but I don't like doing the seated lean. So I get up a little. You try to keep everything spread down there. But also with wipes, I use the baby butt wipes.

But they're for adults. The tender nubbins. You have to show an ID. You have to be at least 21. Because you catch a buzz. They're not for babies! You're just yelling that at your wife. They're not for babies! I'm a big boy!

It's nice to know that you're gonna take care of it completely. Because even you, I'm sure you have a gross, shitty ass half the time. No, I hop in the shower every time. Every time? Yeah. So, you go down to the reservoir and shake your ass in the water.

Yeah, no, I wipe well. I wipe so hard they drop in blood. That's not good. I wipe too hard. Yeah, that's too much. No, I mean, that's hearsay. I heard you say it. I don't like it.

But it is crazy, because I remember when he made this announcement to our crew. He sat us all down. Yeah, he was like, I stand. Time to take a stand. Yeah, because we were talking about kneeling during the... Kneeling? This was, yeah. Usually when I wipe national anthems on.

Oh, God. So, yeah, we were talking about kneeling, and he was like, yeah. Usually when I wipe the national anthems on. So, yeah, we were talking about Nealon, and he was like, no. We were talking about Kevin Nealon, and I was like, he's a stand-up guy. And Lund said, well, speaking of standing up, I stand up to wipe. That is the only time that I will actually have a revelatory experience. It was new knowledge to me. It was, I imagine, the same way that like when columbus landed on the shores the native americans were like this is god this is the ship of god they did there wasn't any kind of wiring in my brain for that information to work

the channels of you know what i mean like it burnt a hole in my brain when he told us that I mean, like it burnt a hole in my brain when he told us that. Huh. Yeah. But you didn't know people sat down, right? We're out there. So you were Columbus on the shore and I was the natives. Well, but you think that my way is the wrong way. I know it's the wrong way.

You would think that I'm the primitive on your advanced. Yeah, because generations of evolution have given us knees. So you're standing up trying to shake the coconuts out of the top branch and I'm down here sucking the roots. You know what I mean? I guess. I guess. Well, that's another great

great... No, no, no. We need to address the listener. We are looking to take on sponsors. Okay, look. If you've got a company... We're looking to take on sponsors we're looking to take on any two people in a game on the hardcourt

shirts vs shirts let's keep everybody in and out of trouble we should do a game where one team has their shirts on and one team has their pants off that's how you tell. Instead of shirts versus skin,

tops versus bottoms. That was what Tondrick used to do and I don't know how he got away with it. It was Nevada in the 70s, you know? It was Illinois. Illinois in the 60s. That was before he moved. You old bitch. So, we are looking to, uh so we are looking

to we are looking for sponsors so if you want us to sell your product or you know shout out

your homies yeah if you want to dedicate a song to somebody yeah but instead of a song

it's just us reading copy and then you pay us. Sure. We'll do that. If you want us to break some bad news to a loved one. You want us to dock someone? We'll read an address in a place of employment. Yeah, if you have a troubled employee, we'll fire them.

We'll tell them that they've been fired. Clean out your shit. Yeah, get out of here. War is. You're off the force. Turn in your gun and badge. Put your gun in your mouth. Yeah. Pull the fucking here. War is. You're off the force. Turn in your gun and badge. Put your gun in your mouth. Yeah.

Pull the fucking trigger, you pussy. So yeah, if you need us to instruct a cop to commit suicide, we are here. Just DM me or Lund. I'm at SamTown on Instagram. Lund is YahwehHasCalledMe69. What is it? I talk to God 420 she talks to angels I'm a big black crow email my GeoCities page

I'm at Nathan Lund comedy on Instagram so hit him up probably me I'm better with money despite Lund being rich from unemployment fraud. He pulled the veil over the eyes of Lady Liberty. That's right. Yeah.

Justice is blind. But yeah, hit us up, man. We need your money. Same team rules.