Chubby Behemoth - Whacking A Mole w/ Ryan Shaner

Episode Date: November 24, 2025

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     Sponsors: Cash App - Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/g0yurtz9 #CashAppPod. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/card-agreement. Direct Deposit, Overdraft Coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http://cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.     PrizePicks - Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/CHUBBY and use code CHUBBY and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup!     Hims - Support the show and check out your personalized ED treatment options at http://hims.com/CHUBBY     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys are joined by Ryan Shaner! Sam tells the guys about going on New Orleans garden tours, pretended to have a tummy ache to watch Pablo Francisco, and got power washed with Becker. Nathan is reminded of a tabasco ad, learned Vigo the Carpathian was a dick, and did a 10 out of 10 first thing. Ryan tells the boys about confusing friends with Canadian comedy, wanted to walk away from Dan Aykroyd, and had a laptop whoopsie. Check out Ryan's book 'Solomon' https://p9p0bf-vc.myshopify.com/     00:00 The Pong Ball 01:59 Rump Shakers 4 03:37 Such A Favor 05:14 On Scrambled Eggs 08:18 They're Canadian 12:04 Casey Jones 16:54 Cutting Edge Of The Truth 20:06 Top Of The Charts 21:50 Empty Chairs 23:43 Sidework On The Way 25:23 I Want You To Go In There 28:45 Crushing Dorks 30:37 Having A Good Time 34:17 Skanfest Highlights 36:16 Not Leaving The Stripclub 40:00 You're The Devil Right Now 42:07 Predator Vision 45:03 Here's Where I Blew It 48:44 Sprayed In The Face 50:27 Woke Up Downstairs 53:03 Gunna Be The Next Sock 58:14 Peer Pressured 01:02:30 Never Finishing That     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

You're pretty much like the Pong ball right now. Okay, cool. So when he's riffing real hot, you kind of gravitate over there. And when I'm cooking, you come back my way. And then bounce back. And I'll know who's bombing and who's good in real time. I'll just go towards where the funnels. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I get it. I get it. We are joined here by author, a decorated painter. Decorated. Uh-huh. A podcast luminary. Wow. And, uh, decent, uh, decent seven minutes.

Yeah, I would say, uh, I would say definitely the tight five tonight was bad. Well, it's because they didn't like you. I know. I know. That was the only reason. Dude, it's insane. I get that I am not likable. Sure.

I'm not a likable guy. Well, you go up there and you're like, hey, I'm a tough guy and I'm here to kick all your ass. Did I say, do? You didn't say it. You went up and you, they made the host flinch. You tried to sack. the host. I did not try to say to I thought about it. Well, I did

you're right. I did shine it to him. You shine it to him. I shined it to him. I don't think that when he sold it that you had to then give him the double underhook DDT. I thought that was a bit much. You know what? I honestly thought he, I telegraphed that one. Sure. I talked about it earlier. I saw you guys walk it through. It was very we choreographed. It's all

stage. It's a work. And you get it in Maryland, you know, obviously Pennsylvania you're not allowed to do the double underhook because of gang grell. Straight up. You know, Nathan? No. No. You don't know. do you know who gangrel is? Yeah. I know more than you've ever known.

About pro wrestling. I know that gangrel didn't do a double underhook. He did an elevated. The impaler. Which Edge stole slash used when they were in the brood. Did you know that? I shouldn't have said. I shouldn't have sound like you were a wrestling idiot.

I have no idea. I like what you did there. How skilled you might be. I like how you talked down to me. I've studied the blade. I've studied the way of the blade. Do you know that he. directed umpshakers four gangro what no gangrel when he uh relieved himself from the brood oh

yeah he took off the yoke of the brood he sadly took out his fangs and put them down uh he directed porn for a very short period of time uh one of which was rumshakers four how was that uh not as good um shakers too it definitely didn't have the same writing it was it echoed with the motifs though and i appreciate the practical effects were good yes i'll say that very very uh the fangs on his penis were nuts. It was nuts. It was very a carpenter. It was very early carpenter.

He couldn't take his fangs out, right? I don't know. I thought that he had them put in. Like. Install, there's, we talked about how they're screwed in, right? Screwed in. Like, you could screw them out.

I thought once you went vamp, you never recant. Oh, maybe in that world you're not supposed to. It could be a giant. Yeah. Like, taking your colors off your cut.

Have you ever seen an interview with the vampire? They pull them out. Yes, of course. Of course I've seen it. I went to Anne Rice's house as a gay child. Yeah, that's... I did. That was a big deal?

Yeah. In New Orleans? Yeah. How was the house? I was amazing. My mom took me to New Orleans when I was 13, and she was going as part of a landscape architecture conference. Wow.

Because she went back to get her master's in landscape architecture when my dad got sober. You can do that? Yeah, yeah. And all the landscape architecture is just like drawing like 3D, like top-down views of like where the plant should go. Wow. It was like the original GTE. was how all of her sketches look crazy you said i was about to say that the helicopter view from gta one

yeah god damn we went to new orleans and as part of her uh conference we got to go on a garden district tour of new orleans and we go into john goodman's house we went to anne rice's house we saw one of nicholas cages homes we didn't get to go inside the homes but we like got like an outside tour of like the gardens and everything john goodman seems like a curveball for that like you want to check out john goodman's house uh yeah all the people i want to see his man cave what's time what what year was this uh i was 13 this was 19 this was like 2000 1990 oh never mind yeah i was i was going to say if he was coming off the the amazing king ralph i would get it but no this was uh this was like when he was the cyclops in o brother where arthur yeah oh yeah all right all right yeah

that makes sense that makes sense he was like peak of his form i knew him mostly from well he did such a favor to guys like me and lund oh my god yeah without a doubt he got us so much pussy we didn't deserve you guys were weird sex symbols oh yeah have you ever thought of that uh i think it makes more sense for you because you're tall and he was very tall yeah i was just kind of you know fat but you were from chicago from chicago i would imagine yeah maybe it helped me i mean i know specifically two women it did who told me you remind me of dan like rosanne as they went down on me it was nuts one of them was in the three way where uh two of our friends were kneeling in front of me, then one of them

said stuff like this doesn't happen all the time, enjoy it, and then I came right away. Especially good guys who looked like Dan Connor. I didn't take my flannel off. It was great. I was winning the pooling. Did you roll up all the way? For sure. When I think of

Van Rice, I think of the commercial for Tabasco sauce that was on very briefly where it said, there might have been a couple where they listed different celebrities. Just no, just who I just remember Anne Rice

puts it on scrambled eggs Sinbad puts it on catfish and that was two of the things in the commercial It was Tabasca? It was Tabasco sauce Yeah And I didn't know who Anne Rice was

Because I was a kid Who was straight Unlike you Yes A little fanciple lad wearing my searsucker And fanning myself With Confederate money

Oh no It is muggy in this mud This vampire Oh my Lord Put my teeth Ethan, and let me suck on a Ju-lip. Get over here, Mr. Goldberg.

Take a bite off your face. Oh, I'm just kidding. I'm playing with y'all. Ooh, I'm a sweaty little boy. Giant lemonade. Yeah, two hands. It was a nickel more. Sweet tea in one end, lemonade in the other.

I couldn't decide. Arnold Palmer's are in my belly. I have two hands. God didn't want me to choose. You're incorrigible. Southern dandy vampire sounds terrible. Little fat southern vampire gay boys. Oh, this ruffles now.

Oh, I wish these ladies were baked like me. They're healthy, I tell us, yeah. I don't even know if I knew. I knew Sinbad, I think, from a young age, so I probably knew him. I knew him from Jingle all the way. And I told you today, he was on Comedy Central all the time. How old are you? I'm 41 years old.

Do you remember, did you watch Comedy Central? I did all the time, yeah. Like 92 or whatever it was. This was going strong as shit. The A-list. You don't remember the A-list? I don't know. There was a lot of...

Pulp Comics was sick. Pulp Comics was great. Jim Brewer's Pulp Comics is still one of the funniest fucking... Live at Gotham. So good. Yeah. But I was telling him... Oh, because you said Larry Miller was in ten things I hate about you.

And I said, Larry Miller was one of my tent bowls when I was a young kid watching comedy. Because even though he did married guy stuff, it wasn't like super boring. Sure. He was still, like, pretty... unique with some of his like boring older guy stuff yeah and you know the but the big ones were like sinbad you know was he didn't have to be an adult to like him no kevin meanie was very like weird voice and ridiculous imagery he wasn't married confirmed bachelor oh confirmed he told me that today a vampire dandy is what do you yeah yeah yeah you saw him the bachelor often

wilting heini meeny mine moe i'm kevin and i got every tiger by his toe I don't I don't want Anne Rice. I want Glenn rice. I want... I want... I would sob him up with a biscuit. Pile me up like piled off and scoop me with a keithin's spoon. I need some saffron on my rise.

Oh, my God. Yeah, I watched a lot. I think I watched Comedy Central more than any kid that I knew. And it was, like, confusing to a lot of my friends. Because, like, I mean, this is in the 90s, so, like, cartoons were, like, still crushing. Oh, yeah. Cartoons were, like, crushing. So, like, I was still watching, like, Red and Stimpy, and I was still getting into that.

And, but I remember, like, I would watch Comedy Central and watch, like, the kids in the hall separated a lot of, like, people that I knew grew up. Oh, sure. Because they didn't get it. They weren't ready for it. They just didn't get it. And, like, I'm not saying I was, like, oh, I understand the joke. No, sure. I just was like, this is funny.

This is also comedy. Yeah. And exposing my friends to that. They were just. complete like I don't get why are they all dressed as women like you you guys and then it just came to like oh they're Canadian

that's really that's really what it came down to in the end I'm like you just look they're Canadian and what it is it's like it's just culture get get fucking cultured my back they're Canadian and your friends that know how to

respond they're like I guess that's all right yeah there was a lot of guys like it was like you're dark Canadian oh oh my God all right not a lot of not a lot Not a lot of stuff in Canada, including women. Patrick Waugh, yeah, that's cool. You make do with what you can in Canada.

I'm making do over here. Oh, no. Patrick Moua, give me a smooch. Put me in the river. Yeah, they were confused by that. And it was like, I was like, no, no, it's really, this is really great. But they were all about like, you know, 90s SNL. So, like, they were just like, which was lights out, which was awesome.

It was insane. But they were like, you have. this. Why are you even You have Beverly Hills Ninja? Why would you watch the state? What's the matter with you? Exactly. Yes. That was a similar thing with the fucking wet hot American summer. Like my friends, we

saw it and we were like, I loved it. My buddy Clay loved it, Clay Doe. And then we were there with a couple other buddies who were like, this sucks. Like my friend went to smoke a cigarette in the middle of it and I was like, come on. How can you hate that? Yeah, I didn't get it. There was a huge divide where I was like, cognitively

it didn't make any sense you couldn't also love this thing it's you know it is crazy i think one of my favorite scenes in that movie and i'm going to butcher the guy's name because i can't remember it's the dude he's driving the van and he's singing uh when you wake up in your side you bring it to and then he just starts screaming immediately and drives directly into the tree i was like that is one of the funniest parts of that movie and i would like imitate it with people and they're like knock it off dude they're not Canadian. Yeah.

That was Ken Marino, right? Yes, exactly. Yes. And then Joe La Trulio was on the motor. It was on the motorist. Amazing. No, they, well, I guess that, when you were younger, it would be tough for everybody to get it, because a lot of it is kind of anti-comedy.

But that same guy who smoked the cigarette, adored Run Ronnie Run. So it's like you love Run Ronnie Run, but yet you can't handle Wet Hot American Summer. Right. Why? Because they're not nude and screaming enough. Most of Run Ronnie Run is him, like, lubed up in oil and like loose. Do you ever seen Run Ronnie Run?

David Cross made a movie with I think Odin Kirk called Run Ronnie Run about a guy who pretty much was just like on the lamb a lot. No, it was based off of a Mr. Show sketch character. Okay. And Ronnie had been arrested more than anybody in like the history of the town or something. So there's a great moment in that where he's in a barrel of oil and there's like a cop like knocking on things and like you don't know where Ronnie is in the scene and then all of a sudden David Cross completely nude pops out of a

bucket of like a barrel of oil and he's like you know, he looks like a fucking racist cartoon. Then they have to catch him and he's all greased up. So this kind of humor hit really hard with Justin Anderson but yet, you know, the nuances of a talking can of spam or whatever were fucking too much for him. That's also

one of the funniest part. It's just like so... Was it spam? What was it? It was can pee's canned peas. Sorry. He's like, I can suck my own dick. And I do it. A lot. A lot. And again, one of like the most quotable things ever. And isn't that stabler?

Yeah. It's Christopher Maloney, right? It's so cool to think that he was just chilling with those guys. And they were like, you're funny. He thought they were awesome. Yeah. Throw them in. And they're like Casey Jones from the first mutant turtles.

Awesome. I know. That guy's name is Vingray. Elias Coteus. Elias. Yes. Sovros Halkius. Elias Quato.

Shredder. Were you big ninja turtles? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I'm born in 87, so Ninja Turtles was mega, and then Ghostbusters supplanted them. Of course, Ghostbusters. Yeah. Dude, the guy that was in, the Vigo, the Carpathian, that actor,

I just saw like a minute-long video on Instagram or Facebook. He was an Ashakers 4, I know. Yeah. I was going to say, what did he do? He played one of the cheeks. Yeah, player coach. He just draws the line down his forehead. I'm a butt.

He was like a huge asshole. That was like his biggest role. He was just like a bad guy in diehard or something before that. And his, fuck, I can't remember. Vigo was in Diehard? Vigo the Carpathian. Yeah, but like just like a bit part. Oh, okay.

Cool. Because I watched it the other day and I was like like a henchman or something. So yeah, I don't know how much he was in it. Yeah. But yeah. couple small roles and then Vigo was maybe going to be his big break but he was a dickhead and then when oh yeah when I think because he was such a pain in the ass or maybe just because his voice was fucked or something but his lines were dubbed by Max von Seidau and played for the

red wings the actor was he a ford he was pretty forward yeah little handsy high sticking The dude was at the premiere, and that was how he found out that his shit was dubbed over. And he was furious. He tried to, like, fight everybody there. He tried to beat up Harold Ramos. Yeah, he goes straight for Ramos. I can only imagine. He's like, you know what I did to get this role?

He's like, well, we had to do. You know what I did to become Vigo? This is how Vigo talk. I've made a choice as an actor. Vigo, the Tasmanians. I sat on a throne of blood. Why did I spin around? Why don't I spin around so much if I'm Carpathian?

I got a bunch of pink slime in my tube. Yeah, he effed his own A because he, like, freaked out, and then he was just, like, done for. I also think there was some kind of, like, his dad was, like, Hitler's best friend or something. Oh, that had nothing to do with it. There was some other, there was some other ass way this guy being in. Okay, you're going to bring that. Yeah, it was crazy. Bill Murray gave him the role for that reason.

Yeah. He's like, I hear you are pretty evil. Anti-comedy. Your dad ever pick anything up on the side? Dan Aykroyd's like, well, that didn't happen. So your father is guilty of nothing. And here's the years of research I've done into this subject. Here comes a legal ad read.

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dot app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. Yeah, acroids on the cutting edge of the truth. I don't know, dude, but he's so drunk now all the time that he'll be like, maybe an alien is my penis. Yeah, he was a... People were like, wow, Dan, I never thought about that. He came to a bar in Philly when he was promoting a crystal head vodka. Yeah, yeah.

And he was so fucked off. Sunglasses on, smoking indoors. It was wild because, like, you go, like, oh my God, I'm meeting. Dan Akron. I'm meeting Ray Stans. I'm meeting the father from my girl. I'm meeting these people and you go up and you start talking to him.

Like, Dan, I'm Mr. Ackroyd, I'm a big fan. He's like, you know, the other day I was sitting at my hotel and I noticed a black sedan outside. We're like, what the fuck are you talking? He's being gangstocked everywhere. He just goes down his rabbiholy. It's Ernie Hudson. Yeah.

And you want to walk away. And it's crazy when you want to walk away from a celebrity thing you're like, I'm just going to leave. I was going to say when we were talking about kids in the hall, Did you talk to Scott Thompson? No, I wanted to so fucking bad. Yeah, he was cool.

I didn't, I talked to him for 45 seconds. He was pretty much like talking to my gay child in New Orleans character, but an adult. No, I didn't get that. He was like, hmm, you're a tree. I'd like to count the ring. I did get to tell him that I thought he was great. I was like, thank you for so much.

Are you Canadian? I thought he was going to go full buddy on me when I walked in the tent. I was like, ooh, damn, stop it, buddy. I didn't see him perform. No, neither did I. I wanted to. It was like one of those things, because he was also in one of my, like, again, with the kids in the hall, it was like one of those sketches that I tried to explain to my buddies about and they just didn't get it at all.

Buddy or something? Buddy, like one of my friends, like, not buddy. It's actually a sketch where he walks out of his house and Dave Foley rides by on a bike and goes, and then he stops for a second and looks down at himself and goes back in the house. comes about wearing a different outfit, Dave Foley on a bike rides at Oh, two for two. Dude, he looks himself,

huffs, goes back in the house, puts on another outfit. He comes out, he's like in a biker outfit, Dave Foley rides by again. He's just like, oh, goes back in the house. Dude, he goes back in the house. Dave Foley's riding by again, and Scott's not outside at all.

And Dave Foley stops on his bike. He's looking around. And he's like, why here is a guy? And all of a sudden, a live bear comes out of nowhere. and slashes Dave Foley's face. He falls on ground, malls him. And then the bear stands up

and takes all the head at Scott Thompson. He's like, I was like, crushed, dude. And it was like one of those things like me and my younger brother, like, we watch it every now and again

and he would like, I don't know if he was laughing because he was laughing. Because I was laughing. Yeah. But he was. That's what you call me. It all made sense.

Every time I would ride by on the bike and he would like walk up like, come on. I was like, I'm just talking about what's on TV, dude. We're hanging out. That's the record for F-bombs on this podcast by five. That wasn't me, though. Yeah.

That was Dave Foley. I know, the only non-gay one in the past. No one can be maddy. Yes, I understand. Come on, man. Get him a bus. No, there was numerous sketches they did that my mom would really loved. And she also loved Strangers with Candy, which was on Comedy Central back then.

It was just a weird. It was a weird time. Television was so important, you know. Pablo Francisco was the top of the chart. Oh, my God. This half hour. Bix and pieces was an amazing special. I didn't go to a aquarium once in, I think, Florida with my family.

I pretended to have a tummy ache so I could stay behind and watch all the half hours that were on. Yeah. And Pablo Francisco fucking took the cake. Yeah. Dude, he was one of those guys. That was actually the first comedy DVD I ever bought. Not bad. It was like, because I saw it.

And I was like, I got to own this. No, it was Ashaker's 4. Dude. And I... I mean, his later stuff's even better, man. I haven't seen it. I haven't seen him around at all. I was kidding.

He's had a very public issue with substances. Pablo Francisco. He's having to be removed from the stage. No way, dude. Yeah, there's a clip where he has sunglasses and they fall off when he goes to pick him up and his pants fall down. There's a lot of good stuff out there. That's a good bit, though.

I mean, it was a closer. That's a classic red skeleton. That's fucking, come on, dude. He couldn't follow it. he showed his piece while he's doing a bit what yeah no I don't know I didn't see that one I've seen videos of him like not remembering jokes or whatever

there were oh that's sad a few years ago where he was pretty fucked up and like they're removing him and he's begging for more time he's like I got this don't worry you guys want to see the show go on it's Pablo and people are like dude go home Francisco no quiero Taco Bell

wait that was Carlos Alasra Reno 9-1-1 damn it fuck it's crazy because like I think about like as fucked up as I've been on stage never done that I have fallen off stage into chairs though yeah I have done that and that is crazy empty chairs yeah

like on purpose no you just biffed I was in the middle my buddy Sean he remembers his day he's like it was one of the funniest and everyone it was like so violent crazy everyone thought it was part of the bit let me guess it was at the Raven like all the legendary comedy memories that I've heard about

on all my favorite podcasts for years. Yes, it was. It was the Raven, yes. And H. Foley was the talk of the town. He was up there hosting with the late great Chris Cotton saying, hey, we got time for one more upstart. Yeah, all this kids,

he's the best door guy in all of Southern Philadelphia. Ryan Shaneis, everyone. And it's funny, you say, the amount of times people have fucked up my last name like that is, it's in Calcutta. Oh, yeah.

I did it in your book. I did it in the foreword of your book. I read it. I read it eventually. What'd you do? Oh, I said, I think the opening line is, I first met Ryan Shainer, or Shainess, as he prefers not to be called. And the funny thing is, when I read that? I was like, I thought it was Shainus.

I was like, when did I say that to him? I was like, I don't remember. It's right there. I've called Gillis Shainis since day one. Guess what? He hates it. I bet he does. That's a little tip for everyone out there.

25,000 people next to read us, Shainis. Shannis. All of our fans went to the next show. We should buy the tickets for one arena. Oh, man. Buy the whole arena out. And then he performs for no one except for me yelling, Shaitis.

Get a megaphone? Right. I'm like Daryl Strawberry. It would be so funny. Shainess. But that would make you Lisa Simpson. Shut up. Shanis.

I knew the reference. I know, but as soon as I said it, it's soon as I said it. What, are you tired? No. This isn't the whole. The fourth hour of comedy I've done today. I woke up at 7.30 today.

It's seven. Yeah, I woke up at 7.30 to do radio. The driver was supposed to be there at 7.40, at 7.30. He got there at 7.45. He woke up at 725. Right, but I didn't know that radio was actually at 10. The driver just picked me up to do some sidework on the way. No.

Yes. Yeah. Sidework. Like what? He had to mow a lawn. I was going to eat a turtle. What was he doing? Sidework.

He said, you don't mind, do you? I said, no, where do I got to be? You go with lifting. Can you help me? Yeah. I spotted him for a little bit. That's fucking nice. Yeah, it was crazy.

Spotted him $10. Yeah, I did. So we could go buy some pickles. Getting out of his car, like, oh, shit. Come on, do you got this? Yeah. You had this story. No, he was cool.

He told me all about all the guns he owned. And then on the drive back, he told me about how he didn't have enough terabytes of storage in his car laptop. Oh, man. And I was like, how many terabytes of storage do you need? And he said, like, I'd like four. And I said, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's, a lot of stuff, that sure

is. Yeah. What do you need? Is he filming, like, front and back? Yeah. And he wants to keep all of that footage? It's so he can game while he waits for his clients at their meetings and stuff, because he's a chauffeur. So he has, like, a steam deck in there, but he doesn't have enough storage, and

I was like, hey, do you have one of those guns from the previous conversation? Because I'd love to put it in my mouth. Yeah. What kind of guns did he have? A bunch. You're kidding that he picked you up that super early. am. Jesus Christ. I was like, so surprised. I almost thought that it, that you were so mad about it, that you, like, did not want to talk about it all day. I forgot to tell you about the sidework I had

to go there. Well, I didn't know the beginning of your day because I had to dump. And you're like, and I was like, I want you to go in there because I don't want you to follow what I have to do in there. But I've had to go for a while. And you were like, go in there. So I go in there. And then he goes in there. Why didn't you wait until I had to leave? I wanted you to be able to do your thing and be pissed that it was 7.25 in the morning. Sure. And I was not going to add to that. You were supposed to do radio because usually the feature does it, but goobies.

I didn't fall for that for one second. That was very turdious of you. I tried. Yeah, it was very. And I knew it was going to be bad. It was. He was like, no, I just go in there. And I was like, okay.

How bad was it? It was a 10 out of 10. It was so bad. And his are often bad. But this was like worse than his worst. like it sucked it's crazy because when i look at the both of you i felt bad i can like if someone's like yo which one takes a stinkier shits i'm sorry sam you look like you're longer there's more coil you just look like you take a stink of your shit yeah however you do you look like you

have like a dark horse inside i'm good i can i can i have a puncher's chance oh and it was a fucking wild left and it caught me right in the throat damn dude it sucked and it was i'm so pissed i have to do radio and meanwhile yeah thumpers in there piling it up right before he goes back to the hay five pounds later just fuck oh yeah that's wild and it's like this weird

and I know his smells and it's like this weird kind of like rotten plum smell it smells like something that would have been in like the manger when Jesus gave birth yeah yeah it sounds like

it's biblical shit yes it's like someone's getting out of jail we're gonna make up some proof it's really bad and he knows and he's in there doing it the whole time no but it's not always don't yank your cord too much it's not always that bad I was I was I was I was

I was hopeful that it would be like a seven out of ten. No, the Richter scale exploded. You went and San Andrews. Yes. The toilet hung itself. That's wild, dude. Now do you get Andy Richter scale of dumps.

That's a 10 out of 10 is a Richter bowl rattling. That's so funny. Yeah. Nine out of ten is the masturbating bear. That's what the suit smells like afterwards. 10 out of 10 is Andy Richter controls the universe. Yeah, it's the worst stinker of, all time.

The biggest turd network ever laid. He had another show. Oh, he was like a detective. Yeah. What? Yeah. It was a detective?

It was Snoops the clown. Yeah, but neither of them obviously lasted long. No. I've never heard of that. Yeah. I think it was even less episodes. I was going to say,

was it right after Greg the Bunny? Was it like something like where they just... It was in the same universe. Yeah. That was the universe Andy Richter controlled. The Swag the Bunnies. Alf was in there every now and Was Thursday nights on Fox?

Yeah, what I mean, that's how powerful network was where they were like, hey, that guy who kind of talks on Conan, let's give him 12 episodes on fucking Fox or NBC. Yeah, God. It's kind of wild. Like, even according to Jim. Yeah. I watched enough according to Jim, where I'm like, why am I still watching? I liked the Zidico reboot according, accordion to Jim.

Sorry. Skangfuss. It's gangfax. Dude. Uh-oh. Oh. We failed. The bruiser.

Well, yeah, that too Yeah, no, you're right We should talk about that Yeah Shainer, you were one of the many Peers and luminaries I saw shining their brightest at Skangfest I already told, I gave the flowers

to Mike Rainey And I think I mentioned that you were in that pit too But oh yeah, for Haybrein You were crushing dorks nads Yeah, it was pretty wild And it was like, and it was one of those things Where I was like, man, I haven't seen Haybreed in

Eight weeks since Halloween my hands are shaking I still haven't done their laundry yet it's still my house I still shirt's in my car I was like Josta you need to get this Jostin you sign my laser disc seven days ago

but yeah I was I was pumped I hadn't seen him in a while and I knew that they were going to be the oak like the band and I was like this is sick and man I took out my teeth and I gave him my girlfriend It's a good woman. By the way, shout out to Alex, who is just sitting over there,

being very patient after driving nine hours today. Wild. Yes. Wild amount. Every good podcast, there's a tired, patient woman behind it. How long did you have to drive back for your laptop? An hour 15 for the listener at home. Hour 15.

To double back. So three total. I was so mad at myself, like a couple months ago. I left my suit jacket at home for a wedding and had headed north with my wife and dogs. But yeah, but I was like 20 minutes away. And I was so mad. I would have just let it go.

Like an hour and a half. I would have been like, well, I'm not going back for it. I would have bought a laptop, kept the receipt, used it for two hours returned. I don't need this. I don't need any of this shit. That's why they're better than us. I just would have.

But anyway, enough about broads blowing it. All right. Forget. Yes, Jesus. You were killing people in the pit. I didn't even think I was killing people. You weren't being rude, but you were definitely like, I could kill everyone in here if I had it. I was just having a good time.

And it's like, you were AFI. There was a fire inside. It was burning bright. And you, the two of you were all fucking idiots. Wait, why am I? Huh? Why am I? All fucking idiots?

Oh. The other AFI. Oh. Sorry, keep up. That's horrible. These are hot riffs. something. But yeah, you were in there

whacking them all. Yeah. I didn't know that Haypreed was on at all. And when Lewis told us on Story Awards, he's like, we gotta get out of the way

because Haypreed's up. I like nudged Mullen and was like, all right, great. He was after that mushroom head. I think I said taproot.

What a deep color. Oh, he's always saying tap root. I think I said taproot. And Mullen went, you know, classic Mullen response. No cell.

Well, it's just like when he does it, when he's no joke, it's just you see every iteration of whatever he might say just flash across his eyes so you'll be like like nudged him and be like when well you know honor your honor get off

of her and he's like anyway but then it was hate prud and i was like what the fuck i mean mullen like people are like he's a genius and it's like yes but when you're three feet away from him and you're trying to you know razz him or you know got your got your nose him he's like no cell yeah no cell he's tough and then he does laugh he goes Like a frog gay pup up. I got him. Yeah, he'll sneer. That's how you know you got him good.

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wait sorry hate breed hey no no no we all had a really good time it's gang fest yes highlight for you shayner highlight highlight highlight for me uh oh no need for apologies was really really fun okay that was very that was such a i thought it was going to be dog shit and not not nothing with like Derek and Dave When we got there No, it's because it was noon And when we were doing the room There was only one person in the chairs

I was like, this is either going to be the worst Fucking thing in the world Or I'm just We're just gonna have fun And what day was that? That was on Sunday Okay, it was on Sunday So and then Rosebud was also on the show

And I think I talked to her like a total Like maybe Three hours in my entire existence of knowing her and I was like I don't know how this is gonna go and it was such a fun time yeah she's delightful

it's very very fun and I was like the first time you met her you were like what are you a sled right do you think she would have got that oh I'm sure she's heard that

since she was an eight year old girl you know dropping the fucking snow globe and everything yeah I think so I think she's very well educated yeah she seems it and that's like why I was like you know I don't like this

no of course yeah I'm so intimidated I like my broads leaving their laptop and ham trash out of here I like them down, damn,

real down don't see so that was the highlight for you, a podcast I've never heard of yes

and then and then yeah, okay let's go into a real hot very good, very good sure

fucking idiot noon Sunday you were up against like the second Legion of Skings live me and Colum

were in the tent raising hell Yeah, you guys are crushed. No, that was Sunday. Or that was Sunday. Dude, Jeremiah Watkins did a tent preacher and it was so fucking good. I heard. That guy's like, every time he does anything, I'm like, why aren't you famous and rich?

Yeah. What's happening here? Yeah. He's so good at anything he does. So the highlight of Skangfest for me was not leaving the strip club. Because I'll tell you what happened, Shamed. I'm in that strip club. The first time I go, you know, I want to go press the flesh, say hi to the people.

Yeah, you know, see where everyone's at. Dip, I get it. Walk in. Nick Rochefort gave me $20 and ones right away Me and Ryan Long started having a blast Being very polite As we daintily applied ones to the strippers' butts Daintily? Yeah, yeah

Did you dab it like a napkin? I mean, there was no mouth stuff But it was like, you're doing a great job Thanks for your service, you know Hey, keep up the good stuff We're all having a blast I'm really like what you did Yeah, exactly

Yeah, I get it's a fun bit To do the guy you barely know And I blew it again because I was like Ryan, you're like a horny guy right And he's like Sam this is like the second time A third time you said that to me I think you just have like the wrong idea of like what I'm all about. And I was like, all right, but you're horny.

Well, he's got a whole clit on the nose. He's like, what are you talking about? I think you have these very different. He's jacking off. He's currently jacking. And he's like, oh, you're Canadian. Yes, his voice is echoing out of a woman's pussy. Yeah, no, I'm not like, I'm just like a good, you know, I just like have fun with the boys, you know.

But I'm not like, I was like, okay. So he's the man. Every time I hang out with that guy. Are you thinking of somebody else? Ryan Long, Canadian. Yeah, Canadian. But why, why does he think you're. Because he has a nose piercing, and he's, like, skinny and sleeveless all the time.

Okay. He's a drummer in a rock band. It means he's a sexual devian. That guy's, like, tired of pussy. Like, addicted. Yeah, right. He's like, mulling. He's over it.

He'd rather roller skate. He's like, he finds a hellraiser box, and he's like, not enough. Not enough. I get it. So I don't want to besmirch how horny Ryan Long may or may not be. It's normal horny. Normal horny. More than me.

Run of the mill. More than me. Less than you. I definitely, like, struck a. nerve because we were like riffing and having fun and I was like yeah but you're horny and he's like well no I'm not like actually like that way and like you always it's like the third time you said that I'm not like horny and I was like oh okay horny guy yeah wait hold these tits for me yeah um so I'm having a blast in there and like getting solicited left and right I'd try to go stand by the ATM because I was seated and a girl came up and she's like you got any money for me and she's like you got any money for me not want to Dan's got any money idiot make with the cash Hey Tol Retard

You got any money for me Give it Hey all balls no dick The money Y'all is stupid You don't know what it is It just comes up and slaps the top Of your head

The money Money now So I was like this sucks So I tried to go stand in the corner Like a weirdo And then another woman came up And held their boot open And should you got anything for me?

I was like, I don't. She said, A-T-M. Well, great. All right. So I got it $100 in once, all right? Wow. I mean, I'm going to have fun with the boys. I love what you did.

And also, it's Richo's birthday. He needs a lap dance. Okay. He picked one out as soon as we came in. Wait, it came. You ordered 100 and it was singles? No, I had to go to a different guy named Sugar Bear. Sugar Bear got me $100 in ones.

Took his cut. And then he was like, you can feed, feel free to tip me. God, damn. getting any of this money and he went like and then Ryan Long was like oh I'm not that horny

I'm not horny I'm not horny bud I told you go I want to I want a burdecky for my zingi it's Canadian

that's how it is dude it's how that is up there dude hockey lingo those videos are really funny I don't really watch

a lot of hockey but like like the Instagram videos of hockey guys talking is really oh dude the biscuit

it's so fucking all that's shirping So anyway, letter kenny. I have this money. Nailed it. I give Nick some money back. We have a conversation that it's kind of weird to have lit by candle, like strip club light, you know?

Candle by, it was like strip club light. And I have Nick Rochefort like, here's how we make all the money. We funnel it. You got to funnel it through YouTube. And I'm like, oh, you're the devil right now. You're straight up the devil, man. There's like a pair of tits on your head. Do you want to talk to me about SEO?

Like, shut up. Turn it off. terrible yeah and his boy Alex is sitting there just not blinking just you know that Alex guy from scuff realtor yeah that guy's a one of a kind he's just like far out yeah he's like he'll be like Alex how are you and he's like never been better he like yeah he peels his face off it yeah it's been very good and Ryan's like oh coming through the roof

His dick slaps down on the table and cuts it in half. He's like, I am not that horny. He's got a hundred dollars in one. So it's a blast. And then I figure out Valerie Baum was nice enough to be like, if you sit over here, they can't bother you. So I sat on that side of the room. Oh, you went to the no zone?

Yeah, went to the no zone. She's over there. Was everybody over there? A lot of people were over there. That's why they were coming over. Well, I guess, they were like the dawn of the dead. It was literally dawn of the dead. They were smushed against the glass in the mall.

We gotta get out of here before it gets any worse. Luckily, the glass was Valerie Vaughn's tit, so that was pretty cool. Some comics want all of that, but I would imagine a lot of them are cheap enough to where it's like, you're not going to get a dime out of me. I'm not cheap, I just don't want the attention. I don't like women coming over, sitting on your lap.

And if I go to the stage, there was actually a friend of ours who occasionally is on this podcast, got a lap dance. Oh, amazing. As did another person who's typically on this podcast, got a lap dance. Okay. What are you talking about?

People who were on the podcast. You know, typical people. Typical people. I don't know if they want anyone knowing. That they got a lap dance? Wait, was it a lap dance or was it a lap dance? No, it was a $30. Well, I'm going to tell Becker's story.

Becker disappeared. Becker's dying again. Becker's dying again. As a result of this story. Right. So Becker is like, I'm going to purchase a lap dance. And I was like, awesome. dude, go nuts.

He found the lady that he had his eye on and then while he's gone. It's like a total recall. Yeah, that's exactly in a quado right here. Jake.

Take out your penis. For 50 bucks I'll sock. You ever get a fucking hand job from a baby mutant hand? It's a baby mutant head. Dude, you got to do it. It's New Orleans, so he leaves.

He comes, I go and sit by Valerie Vaughn and her husband and then Jake, I see him. just B-line, like robotic. He's usually the podcast producer on this, our third mic. And he was so whatever, frustrated, pissed, chubbed that I was, I was surprised he didn't walk literally from the lap dance area across the stage.

He was so eager to get outside and smoke, because I was right by the smoking balcony. He walks by, he doesn't see me, you know, smokes God knows how many cigarettes. And then I see him walk by, again, fucking Predator Vision, and I'm like, Jake, and he just disappears. So I finally go downstairs. I'm like, what happened? He's like, fucking half the song, she was telling me about her tattoos.

I had to tell her, I don't give a shit about your tattoos. And that kind of ruined the mood. It's like, well, you're not getting that 30 back. Damn, yeah, that's non-refundable. Yeah. Pat came up to me and he's like, can I have all the money you have?

He got a lap dance, and he came up and he's like, can I have all the money you have? I was like, no. Well, he wanted to see where the night went. How much money was that? I think that I heard one of our friends say that for like $300, it was like 10 minutes anything goes. That's a Bourbon Street steals.

That's not bad. 4 a.m. on Bourbon Street. Whoa, that's a, you're giving it away, basically. And some of these women were women, you know. Yeah. Others were. Like, well, no, like they were like, there was some very beautiful women. There was one who was maybe six foot two, had the fucking she.

and she looked like the tall version of Di Antwood. Oh. But with, like, awesome drugs, killer legs, and rock and domp. Yeah. Yeah, it was like a hot Yolande Vesser. Yes. I get what you're saying. And as I walked out, I threw money in the air for her.

And I said, did she catch it with her tongue? Did it come out? That's right. She would be like, oh, I see why you're here. I see it. So, Ryan Long's penis got caught in the ceiling fan and spun him around the room. Guys, come on. Come on, not horny.

I'm soft. It's like her tongue. God, she's Canadian. And they fully rides by. Hit it. So we go outside, and as we're leaving, a bunch of skank fans are out front. And here's where I blew it. Because I had $30 and once left.

And there was a man sleeping outside on Bourbon Street. And I don't know. You know, I see there's a giant truck coming down. Looks like a honey dipper. You know, like you get that term out. I know what you're talking about. The big, like, tube truck. The shit

Shipmobile Right, it's slowly coming my way And I'm like goodbye Everyone I give Butterly a big hug And I see the man sleeping outside And in front of these skank fans And I literally said this sin in my head I was like I'm gonna give them

I'm gonna give this money of these people And it wasn't because they were outside It's because I wanted to look cool I'll fess up to that 30 bucks to look like a saint No price I paid the price Because as I'm saying about a butterly

I hear Jake Becker the frustrated anti-tattoo activist from earlier, I hear him go, oh! Classic Becker noise, you know? It's probably smoking two cigarettes with each nostril. Can't be worried about every noise Becker makes on bourbon it for him.

He probably just fucking longed his pants. He's trying to get your attention. It's like a baby crying sometimes. Yeah, he loves butterly. Okay. So, I pay the money to the people, and then I turn, and there's a man approaching who,

has like a Ghostbusters backpack on and it's attached to the truck and he is power washing the street okay yeah yeah the power washer creates an aerosol of all the awful that's been done on bourbon until 4 a.m. Yeah, that aerosol

ricochets off the ground and sprays me right in every hole in my head oh no I got a condensed mist of all of Bourbon Street sins good Lord directly in my face directly in my face. Did you look like Papa Shango after

and just turning into a voodoo day? I looked like Lewis, the story was, yes, no. So what I did is I just put my head in my shirt and then Becker says, they fucking got me too. So I explains the yelp and the night. And I don't say a fucking word until we get like into the lobby

as the Sanesta and Jake's like, yeah, that was pretty bad. Like that's a bad. And I said, what the fuck? We're fucked, dude. Yeah, that's disease. We have cholera. Yeah, we have rebella.

We have rheumatic fever. Yes. Every bad thing was on the ground. Shit, piss, come puke. Blood. Man. You know. You have the 90s saints.

You have everything, dude. You have nothing. I'm trying to think of that guy that got murdered. Which guy? Football players? Yeah. That Saints player got murdered. I want to say Will Smith.

No. Was it? I was it? I was a saint's player that got murdered. I want to say inhaled his ghost. But, um. anyway it was really

the least of your of your concerns is a dead man to be haunted by a hero would be great that would be sick instead just all of it

in my face just an entire did you sleep under an AIDS quilt that night because you probably needed it well so I get home

from Skangfest on Monday and I go right to bed yeah and wake up the next day and when I say surfs up but plop city it was diarrhea town and i was the mayor it was so bad it was a fever dream it was 36

hours of am i awake am i asleep it's diarrhea until there's nothing left except for the pain of the phantom belt yeah yeah yeah and my wife had her first delivery at the hospital so she wasn't home till midnight so i'm just in there dying dude like i was like so i was like scared i was like what happen what am i crazy when you have diarrhea and you then you run on empty and you still think you have diarrhea and i wasn't eating anything either yeah yeah it's like there's nothing

that could go in yes it was the worst it's the sickest i've ever been and i told my wife like that night when i got home from skankfest i was like i got sprayed in the face by bourbon street so i get really sick and she was like yeah and now where's jake becker is jake becker here in baltimore no he's having emergency ear tube

surgery done yeah because he has double sinus, throat, nose infection, double ear infection. Good Lord. That's got to be, that's awesome. That's just, just the whole, the whole thing. So what happened here? I was like, so what happened here?

I was like, well, I was, so a stripper ruined by dance. It's me and Ryan Long, all right? He's not that horny. You know, notoriously not horny Ryan Long. He's in the middle of the bell curve. And all of a sudden I get disease. Sprayed in my face. Oh, dude.

I'm still, like, kind of rocked. Like, it was so bad. And, uh, yeah, it's all because I tried to look fucking altruistic in front of people. Way to go. Being, you're a philanthropist, dude. Well, you saw me at Skangfest. Yeah, I'm beloved there. You are.

So it was such a fitting end. You were philanthropist. Oh, my God. I was getting sucked off so much I couldn't even come anymore. I was Ryan Long in there. Yeah, you were crushing. And to have it end with the worst thing that could kind of happen, it was toxic warfare.

and it savaged me. That's acre swings, man. Oh, dude, 100%. You fucking flew too close to the buttons. I mean, for anyone who thinks that karma is real, you're right or you're wrong. It's real on Bourbon Street. I think that's a T-shirt. Karma's real on Burman Street.

I think the guy did it on purpose. Oh, without a doubt. He saw me coming. He gave me a hose down. Yeah. And then I'm the fucking hippo in the zoo shitting on the wall for 24 hours. At one point, dude, I went to bed in my bed and I woke up downstairs. That's how fucked up I was.

I woke up on the couch down. You had shit delirium. Teleported. Yeah. Good Lord. Yeah. It was really, really bad. Toiliported, if you will.

You never. You went from toilet upstairs to toilet downstairs. It went through the tube like Mario. Without remembering. Mario. This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. You and I make decisions every day, but on prize picks being right can get you paid. Don't miss any of the excitement this football season on prize picks where it's good.

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lineup prize picks it's good to be right thank you wanted you to know who we're talking about Mario who the fuck is that yeah he's the person who tells you you're not the father who the fuck is who's Mario we're doing your act now shayner I'm kidding of course do you want to tell them why you're here besides being a great guy funny guy I was I was coerced by these two men to come into this hotel room I was not ready for it you're not ready for what's going to have I know one sock off I understand what's happening uh you're gonna be the next sock I put you on

some big toast I don't need that and you thought you had diarrhea it's gonna be a fucking I'm gonna clog the toilet I'm stone cold you're the muddle it's sick

oh no I wrote I wrote a book I wrote a novel I wrote a book I wrote a whole ass book yeah what the hell and yeah exactly that's my thing do you know how many times

I asked myself the whole time I was like what the hell is this why am I doing this what are you Matt McCusker no no never he also wrote a novel I know he did

And you wrote a novel. You didn't write a memoir. You didn't write a book of poetry. No. Someone we know. James McCann, you can get that on his website. Is it good poetry, though? No, it's great.

Is it good? I love McCann. It's very Shell Silverstein meets like Spalding Gray. It's good. But that's not why we're here. We're here to talk about you. But I did write a book. It's called Ballaman.

It's about a guy's balls, and he loves men. It's actually a never-ending thrill ride. Yeah, it's. Ryan Long loves it. The character, yeah, very horny. The character is described as very word. It's long to prove, dude. And according to the first word on the back cover, it's spelled wrong.

Yeah. Dude, I paid so much money to have this thing edited. And I, dude, I give it. Some guy bought a copy of it, and he was going to be at Skangfest, so I, like, brought the copy with me to Skankfest. And I was like, oh, this is so cool. I'm just, like, handing it all this guy. It just came out before. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so he had ordered it, and I was like, yeah, I'll just bring it. No problem. So I do. And he takes it. He's like, oh, my God, thank you. I can't wait to read it. This is going to be so great. I'm like, yeah, wow, I feel nice. Right. And then like, 45 minutes later, he's like, hey, just want to let you know, there's a typo on the back. There's just like, it's just two R's in a courting. I don't know if you know that. He stopped for a second and walked away. Well, I'm just like, oh, this sucks. Everything about. what I just did is completely just now doesn't matter because of well it is your first it's the first edition it's the first edition I don't want it to be like that's like in your head you're like the first thing you do has typos

nobody wants that I mean it's hilarious too because it's on the back cover so the A is really big and then the rest of it's the same size font as the rest of the back cover and a courting is spelled very wrong it's just it's part for the course it's easy to miss according yeah but I didn't miss it the fucking editor

Well, you need that, what, do you get a fiber from Malaysia? Yes, I did, and it was a robot who then tried to sell me Nigerian princess shit. Really? Dead serious. Wow. That's how I knew it was. That's how you get rich. Dude, I was hoping that's what was going to happen.

Well, I had a little correspondence. I had a little coreceding, too. Yeah, for 30. I gave him 40. I was like, how much can I get there? Yeah. He didn't respond. Oh, no.

He wrecked you. Yeah, he definitely did. Well, according to him, he got the last laugh. He, he, according to Jim. accordion to Jim remember when I couldn't get that out earlier because I was so stoked to say accordion to Jim

the Zydeco reboot yes also wasn't Dan Aykroyd in that according to Jim yeah wasn't he the fucking no that was where he was the man he was the man of God on the motorcycle oh my God I totally fucking forgot that what was that called it was like reverend shit or something

I remember it was reverend shit it was part of the ABC Friday lineup, yes. Father Dicket. It was step by step. Sister's sister. Father Dickhead. All new Father Dick.

Yeah. On this week's episode of Father Dickhead, he has to get circumcised. I can't think of that at all. Well, it was insane. It was really retarded. But what is even more retarded and insane is that Ryan Shainer wrote a novel. It's called Solomon. And it is available.

It's available. Ryan Shainer.org? No. I don't actually remember the name. The website is like a bunch. It's like it's on Shopify. I'll send you the link if you... Don't send me the link.

All right. No, I won't sign. You guys figure it out. Actually, if you follow me on Instagram, if you follow me on Instagram, you can find the link in my little... And what would that follow be? It would be Shainer Cobbidi.

Whoa. S-H-A-N-E-B-B-E-D-Y. Cobb-D-Y. Like, when you have a cold... You really don't want to make it, do you? Well, no, I had to change it. My old account, Shainer Comedy. got reported by

Brian six By next He was going for the throat the whole time Sorry bro How dare you dude I'm sorry man After I lost all that money on fiber You're going to bring up the sixer

How dare you did? Come on He got a little more money How dare you do? Oh my God, that's fun Why would you do that to me? It was right there It was right there.

It was right there. Solomon's excellent. I read it on a plane after being peer pressured. I did not peer pressure you. I wrote the foreword. I figured I should read it. Yeah, I thought you were gonna. I was like, you know, Sam's a guy who reads a book every now and again.

When he's not filling a toilet bowl full of diarrhea, maybe he's going to read a book. Well, it was good for the toilet paper. Yeah, I mean, it's three-ply on there. It doesn't matter because every other word's spelled wrong, so it doesn't really matter. That's not a big deal. Yeah, apparently. I still remember, I think it's page 147 in the first edition of my book. There was a typo.

And it was like the second thing anyone said. Yeah. It was like, hey, I loved your book. And the second email was like, hey, here's six typos that are in your book. And I was like, fuck you. And also, thank you so much for caring that you like. Yeah, you went through it. Yeah, that's nice.

But yeah, and you're doing a big book event on December 8th at helium. At helium. Yes. And I would love to make it. I don't know if I can. If you can, that's fine. I'm going to try to make it. Everyone, when I told them that you were writing the forward of it, they were like, wow.

Aren't you worried about that? And I was like, I was going to bury you. And he did. And he did. If you want a book that has a lot of amazing eloquent writing followed by a bunch of crap, Solomon is the book for you. Well, you know what actually is interesting about your book is that you are a painter. and I obviously you're very funny

but I really respect your painting like a lot I think that you are it's just you you do so much with a strange color palette yeah what I mean yeah well I'm is it strange is strange color about I don't know if it's strange

but I don't know painting well enough to like you describe what I'm talking about yeah I like Clifford still a lot he's cool yeah you know so I just think that it was cool to see a painter who has an eye for you know replicating what he sees in his mind on the palette it was cool to see you apply that

to describing nature to describing human interaction it was just, it's cool, it's cool you wrote a novel. And it's a lot of people, like, you know, there are some people that I let read it before I put it out because, like, again, the biggest fear is like

if you write like a memoir or you write something that was like just about yourself, people are like, oh, I can relate to this in any way. When you write like something fictional, it's your thoughts, like, definitely. and like, oh, people will definitely think I'm a fucking idiot.

So I, that was my biggest fear. Like, someone's gonna really like, wow, he's kind of not good. Like, I'll just let it go. Or he's, like, wasted his time. That's the big fear when you're writing a novel is, is this bad? Yeah.

Because anyone that I'm going to show it to is going to be someone that cares about me enough to not crush the last year that I've spent. You don't want it to be macaroni art. You don't want it to be the macaroni. It's like, oh, we'll put it on the fridge. You tried. I know.

Look at this. No, I'll say this since it's not macaroni. are at all. Well, that's great. Was it something that you had in your head

for a long time? Like, built slowly? So I knew the story and the thing is I wanted to do. It's a weird fucking story too. I don't want to give away

too much, but it is fucking strange. It's fun to read because you're like, what the fuck's going on? Not in a bad way. Yeah, I actually, I haven't,

I've gotten like very few, like minimal feedback on it. Like some people, and again, it's kind of like, you ask people who bought it who like you kind of like that's also the worst part not the worst part I appreciate anybody bought it

but like a lot of people who bought it were like people I knew like one degree of separation and I appreciate them supporting and doing all it but like again it's like they're of course they're gonna tell me everything's good like I kind of would rather have someone like yeah this is fucking kind of what the fuck is this

and why and I have yet to get that that's good and it is good but it's also like I mean I do that I'm waiting for someone to agree with me when i'm like what the fuck is this why did i why did i do this no no you don't get lost in the story i mean it is it there's a lot going on in the story but you don't definitely you definitely don't lose the thread oh but yeah you should go to uh see a helium's a great comedy club it's on a monday monday yeah yeah i assume it'll sell the shit out so i'm hoping yeah i'm hoping

go see it but yeah i was eventually i was originally going to do solomon as a graphic novel yeah which was what i wanted to do and it would have take like i don't i don't use any computer programs to do anything and i storyboarded like the first chapter like with index cards about like and wasn't they were crew drawings but it was like over a hundred just like and i'm like this would i would never be able to finish this ever it would and it would get to a point like i'm also the type of guy i am notorious for abandoning projects like any like paintings sculpts like i'll just be like if i don't feel good about it even like i'll take it to a point and I'm just like yep never finishing that ever again I'm never going back to

that and I have paintings in my house that are like a quarter of the way done that I see I'm like you stupid bitch you're never you're never getting hung up no one's ever seeing you ever again but do you reapply yourself to those paintings after like six months a year like of walking by it and then you like realize what's wrong with it no no no what I do I've actually started doing recently like I'll now that I you know canvas all our supplies are like you know super We were canvassing for RFK, right? Yeah, it was knocking doors. It was, and people respected me for a little bit.

And that's actually where I came up with the idea for Sullivan. Yeah. Was like, oh, how could I be a demonous fucking dog? Yeah, that's exactly. That's exactly what I need to do. Yeah, it's, I mean, it's fucking weird. And I read it very high on edibles on an airplane. And I was like, all right, well, he's having fun.

He's having a good time. Was there any part of you absolutely hated? Um, there was a couple passages where you get a little flowery. Flowery. Yeah, just a little purple. Purple pros here and there. What do you mean, purple pros?

You know, when you... I don't know. When you use 10 words to say a thing that could have been said in two words. Oh, yes. Which I do, which I do. I was like, dude, I do that a lot. You read the Ford you wrote. I know, I know.

Did you read it? Look, hey, I'm Ryan Long and I'm not horny. Okay. All right. No, but there's a couple things where, you know, as a writer, you're just like, okay, this guy's having fun. You know, he's smelling his own farts. for a second, but you should do that as an author. You should, you should follow

your, you should trust yourself to be able to paint the picture that you're painting and if someone reads it and they're like, oh, this guy's trying a little hard, you're like, yes, I am, I'm writing a fucking novel. I was trying to look at it like, I'm not, I'm not a big reader at all. Yeah. Like I, and that was my biggest fear was like,

you're not a big at anything. I'm not, come on. A little guy. Come on. Come on. No, I'm the little guy on this podcast. I heard. Yeah. It's brutal. People are making shirts. I heard, yeah. I don't like that little guy. But I wanted to, like, I don't know, I wrote it,

I was like, you know what? I'm going to write it how, if I was watching a movie in my head, and some blind man was like, describe to me fucking, like Terminator 2. Yeah, exactly. I'm like, yo, I'll tell you everything that James Cameron has put on screen. I mean, the first two pages, you really are like, hey, this is my dick, you're all going to suck it.

Like, you really come out the gates hard. I tried to do that. I tried to do that. And I wanted to do the only thing I did. a friend of mine she read it and she was like the only thing

I didn't like was the dog part thing oh good and I was like yeah I was like the whole point I was like

I was trying to make everyone hate everything going on right yeah but in the end you're still like awl

right I know but like the dog part yeah no shit you don't like the dog part what are you got a soul and two eyes the whole point of it

is for you to hate it Jesus and that was another thing like that was the part I enjoyed writing the most was the dog I was like

this is so ridiculous yeah it's fun I wanted to do and I was also trying like while I was writing I was like you know I was like watching a movie

in my stupid head I'm like this is exactly how this has the look this is the way it's got to be so like yeah the writing process was not as hard as I thought it was the writing process was not as hard

everything else like all the post shit and that was a a sobering because then you start to realize like, or at least I have or at least the way I feel

self is like I'm raw materials and it sucks that I'm raw materials. Yeah, but you're not emulating. That's the beauty. It's like it sounds like you don't read a lot of books in this thing that you wrote and that's cool. But is that cool? Yes, because it's a singular voice. It's like Daniel Johnson is so

excited because no one sounds like him. He's not the best songwriter. He's not the best musician, but no one is like that. And I'm not saying that you're some... Yeah, I'm not saying you're a far-out guy who's, you know... Yeah, I don't think...

I don't think I am. I've done some shit. Oh, for sure. Yes. And you've done some shit. It's called Solomon. It's available at the boner lover.com.

Ryan Long's selling it on his website. Sorry about this Ryan Long shit. I love Ryan Longshed. I love Ryan Long. Yeah, Shainer Cobbidi. Cobbidi. You sounded like after Skankfist. All your M's were bees.

Yeah. Because I had fucking meningitis. I'm so lucky I didn't get meningitis, dude. Oh, man. If you got like a fucking crazy disease. Could have been a quad amp. If Skangfest killed me? Well, if I was Quad Amp, I'd be in the middle of the ring next year,

getting punted around by Jason Ellis. I'd be the human football. if you want to see maybe the human football comedy works hey the tickets are moving get get them get them next weekend all right come on we're fucking 70% of the way sold that's good i need to sell them all i'm gonna have to self delete and if you don't get them then you can get tickets to my show i'll bet they're going to be available right up until showtime probably yeah that sunday the 30th but i'll be with sam for all of his shows so he'll be there brent gill we'll have pat we'll have noah uh maybe if he apologizes

we're going to be in San Diego we're going to be in Portland, Maine and then all the dates are coming out next year if you're in Portland if you're Portland Helium Oregon get those tickets now I have to fucking ram the ball down their throat get the Patreon

Patreon's great please get the Patreon there's some good shit in there some of the best episodes and then Shainer Cobbidi Cobbidi C-O-B-E-D-Y and you might be thinking his name

Shainer Cobb. No, his name's Ryan Shainer. Ryan Shanner. I go by Cobb sometimes. I'm a big Thai cop fan. Off the field. You need to leave. I'm sorry. Sorry. Wait, Sisyphus brewing December 26 and 27th Minneapolis. Oh yeah. Oh, yeah. And then

Coastal Creative, December 27th in Tampa or whatever it is down there. We added a show because I'll be down there with my family. Alex, thank you for your patience. Yeah, thank for tolerating this. Uh-huh. And drive safe. Oh, thank you. Thank both of you. I appreciate both of you. Pleasure. Glad to have you.

So nice of you. Thank her, because she has to. Oh, I know. I really do with Anchor. Give her roadhead. It only works on a bench seat. Only works on a bench seat.

Well, get down there. It's hard with a center console. I'm telling you. You should sit on it. It's. Then have her hit bumps. Light goes on it off. Yeah.

The fucking trunk opens up. Ryan Long's in the back. You know, I play. job. I'm not horny, bud. Not horny. Good Lord.