Chubby Behemoth - What A Rush PATREON PREVIEW

Episode Date: October 5, 2025

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     SPONSORS: Lucy - Support the show and get 20% off your first Lucy order with code CHUBBY at https://www.lucy.co     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the fellas are in Bentonville finishing up Sam’s Big Diamond Fest! We have a Patreon preview for everyone this week but will be back with all new episodes next week.     Getting Your Friction On. The Swirl Man. This Is Why It’s So Loud. Swallowing Air Like Kirby.      Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Hey everyone, it's me, Sam. I just wanted to give you guys a quick heads up. I was here in Bentonville, Arkansas all weekend, running the Comedy Festival that I'm one of the heads of, one of the three-headed Sarah by, and I was very busy, shaking hands, kissing babies, telling that guy from Montreal to leave me alone. Not the Booker, the comic, the Booker was great. But if you're that guy from Montreal who's watching this,

you need to leave the other comedians alone. We're trying to have fun. Everyone's on Mushroom. on mushrooms, quit asking people what you're going to do when you inevitably have a baby. That's an insane question. But anyway, Lund was at a wedding, so we couldn't get it together this week. So Becker, Super Producer Becker, aka The Tool, Becker, come over here. Show them how you've been dressing as you represent this business all weekend. This is my lieutenant, my consigliary, Jake Becker, and we were busy.

Were we not? We were very busy. I had my hands full all day, every day. Lund's at a wedding, networking with powerful, powerful Hollywood industry types. You know, he's over there with writers for all the shows that just got canceled. And, you know, I think this is how you revamp yourself, Lund, as a 48-year-old comedian, is you get in that Kimmel Room and you fix it. And did your wife go with you, Lund?

No. But that's not the problem. The problem is we didn't get an episode. Because I was busy playing grab-ass with professional wrestlers and doing, Maybe the best Professor X bit anyone's ever heard. It was the best night of my life. We were up till 5 a.m. for a Professor X-Riff. It went from 2.30 to 5.

Let's just say Professor X can't figure out Jubilee's deal. But he thinks he's got it. Anyway, this is a best-of-patri-up Patreon episode for your free one this week. The Patreon this week is, honestly, Maybe the many of our favorite episodes we've ever done. We had my friend Ryan Jancacock on, who have known since I was 13. If you want the Sam T. lore, as told by someone who was there, get on that Patreon. But, Becker, you've chosen a best of a...

It's too hot. Why is your arm around me? Because that's what we did. All right. But, yeah, I chose one from August when we were all together. It's a really solid episode, and we weren't too nasty. Okay. Yeah. You had to figure out.

Yeah, I had to look around. All right. Enjoy. Thank you. Thank you. much and we love you and again thank you for your patience I wasn't that working I was throwing the best festival ever at the Ozarks has ever seen and one was like oh wait so they're rebooting mad TV who can I send my packet to and also it's like a

mayonnaise packet right I just send you guys like some mayo in the mail and then I get a job is that so anyway that was Lund and we'll hear from him next week it'll probably be like this Bye. Bye. Chubby behemoth. Chubby behemoth, yeah. Chubby behemoth, a podcast. So we have called this emergency meeting of the chubby behemoth figure heads.

Because Lund has a bit of a mystery he's trying to solve. No. Yeah, no, no. Go ahead. Let's walk through it. Well, I took a shit. Uh-huh. And it was fine.

I take care of business, stand up, wipe walk out of the bathroom with the open door because I was in my bedroom. I walk out of the tiny little bathroom I'm like, what the fuck smells out here? And so I figured one of you had dumped. You had dumped or farted because it smelled like really bad like yours

as opposed to nothing to little something like mine? No. It's been mine. No, you're not doing. A lot of times I don't stink. No, it's not steam and vapor that comes out of you. Like a little... No, it's very bad.

And the bowl often commits suicide afterward. But you came out and you're like, so why does it stink? Did one of you guys dump? Did you guys dump when you got back? And we were like, no, you just been in here waiting for 50 minutes for you to get done with yours. Yeah, sure. And then we have a tight schedule. You were like, well, it kind of like stinks.

And I couldn't figure out why it stink. And it's like, well, all I got. I got an idea. I got an idea, Buster. Sure. Also, it's in your room, too, which is very far from here.

Yeah, no shit. Okay. I took a shit and did not smell it. And then once I had flushed, maybe that's what put it up into the nostril. But it seemed weird. You had the lid open. It could have been a draft that was just pulling air

out of the room before it got to your face. Sam's not the only one with weird drafts. I found your, I found your drawer full of novellas. Not a lot of guys take kickers in the first round. I do. All right. That's how you win.

I forgot about us going halvesies on a fucking fantasy baby. I don't know about that. We'll see. It's annoying to just toss a coin and go with heads and its tails six weeks in a row. Everybody's making fun of you. Oh, do you know what a football is? It couldn't pick it up out of a lineup. Can't throw one, that's for sure.

Like, it sucks. Why don't you get a waiver wire? hang yourself that's a good one but if we do well you also get to tell everyone the guy i'm with can't even fucking read a football out of a lineup no that's what would happen no that's what that's what that's what you would win that's what would be fun as if uh like i said i didn't have to do a lot of the dumb shit and you kind of went on vibes and i didn't care about winning yeah you just you would pick by names you'd be like oh little jordan humphrey i'm in jackson dart uh i'll throw one of those into my mouth and smoke it.

Yeah. And then you would fucking win. And let me be like, I'm the best. It's possible. The people that started to dominate our league were Ricky and Michelle, husband and wife, who both did a lot of the waiver wire door quirk work. Like literally who is third on the RB list right now.

But the two, it's uncertain. One of them got hurt last year. So maybe one of them goes. And the dude in three starts getting more reps than the other guy that was in the committee. Like, sure. Then guys like me say, hey, Javante Williams is a lock. Next thing you know, they're wearing lipstick and sending a picture to their brother. The punishments in the league this year have been so severe.

Oh, my God. My dad rode me like a horse. Nice. Yeah, yeah. Where to? Where to? Yeah, he rode me into the room. Very good.

Yeah, that was fucked. We were there. Yeah. And then, I mean, I don't even want to talk about what he won for getting first. Let's just say, he fucked my wife. Let's just say. If you will. She was the commissioner, too, so it was really strange.

I did fart out here and immediately said, Becker, get out of here. Because I knew it was bad. And it was very bad. Did it perhaps permeate most of this home? No, no. It was 12 rooms away from you all. And around two corners. And you were getting your friction on.

By the way, Fuzzy Door Productions made Naked Gun. That's what we call Lund's Cheeks. Is that Seths? Seths? Yeah, it's got to be. Because I knew it by name and the logo. And I was like, I've seen it a million times.

What's it from? And then it said that Seth McFarland produced it. So it was him. I don't know what Akiva's, what his little... I didn't know either, but I assume it for the same reason. I can guess his stance on Palestine. One that I knew what it was. So I was like, this must be from the seven other things I've watched.

Yeah. Yeah, naked gun. That was good. Hey, here's a tip. Go see it. Now it's a ride off. All right. Good call.

I'm going and seeing that with the fellas. Yeah, that was excellent. They did a bunch of jokes from the podcast. Someone on that riding crew is listening. And we want to say thank you. Yeah. Especially for the end. Yeah, that was awesome.

Yeah, that was. Jim Neeson called somebody a Guiguo. And I about left. Yeah, when Pamela Anderson's name was Miss Duangus, I was like, okay. But it was extreme when the O.J. Simpson replacement guy, I mean, look, it's cool they replace OJ, but a man who's just ahead who no one can be mad at. What are we doing? Yeah.

Just send the check. We didn't get a single cent. No. Not a red, black, or blue set. Yeah. Come on. Like, I really did enjoy the inclusion of Donnie Galena. though I thought they did do

Donnie Galinas better than I ever could have I had a bigger budget yeah well you know No Touch Terrence had that weird cameo yeah

God I forgot there are a lot of jokes in there I forgot about little no touch Terrence yeah he was on screen for five seconds

yeah but man did he make the film he's in that five seconds he did touch all about the character it's all about the character actors you know

fleshing out the stars right right we're just a big like idea board we're like a mood vibe type sitch. Then they come in and they core it out and they find the marrow. Becker, you brought this

home. Yeah. I'm going to have it. Yeah, have it. You only have it because I had it. Yeah, and they're fine. It was just something wet to bring with. Yeah, we took a lot of what was in the fridge. Good. Last night, because those are our,

it's not me. It's not me. Maybe it is me. My feet might have gotten sweaty even though I was in a cold movie theater wearing crocs. Yeah. Well, you were shoving really hard for almost an hour. We'll never know.

Doing what? Shubbing. Yeah. You were on the bowl just white knuckling. Just now? Yeah. In that tiny room where you can't even sit down. Where did you go?

The sink? I can get in there. Yeah. I like to call that making the toilet jealous. Seratite. Cheating on the ball. I love. Cheating on Santa.

I love pissing in the sink. Yeah, that's so. You know about that? I know you like it. I love it. I thought it was more of a fun accusation for Nathan to bandy at you when you're being a rascal. No, any hotel room I've ever stayed in. Really?

Immediately. Wow. He's tall. It's at dick level. Oh, that makes sense. So he's tall enough for a hundred percent of them. We're tall enough for to piss in less than a half. Yeah.

You were filling them up. We have to go up and arc a sweet one. Yeah. Bobby Crane style. Yeah. Allegedly. I got it. That was actually Bobby Bird.

Arca sweet one. Bobby Byrd. Robert William Byrd. I hosted his album recording and buried him. Yeah. It was terrible. He was in Lovelin. We've talked about that.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was fucked. I felt so bad. He asked you. He knew who he was and he knew who you were and he said, Sam, it'd be an honor and a privilege for you to go up right before I record my jokes that I thought of myself. Yeah, that makes sense.

And it'll be great. You know, why not get the best in the biz? And honestly, like, I'm going to get them hot and bothered. And then I come in and cool them off with a little sweet and low. Yeah. Like, I'm a skilled headliner, and I'm proud of what I do. But I was a really, really good host. I could go out and fucking rip it open right away, get everyone having fun,

clap, and singing. You were like Chuck Roy. Yeah, whose birthday is it? That kind of stuff. Yeah, it was a modern Chuck Roy. But, yeah, I felt bad. And then there was two shows, too. In between shows, he was like, oh.

What am I done? Oh, yeah. Oh, brutal. Yeah, he, like, came off stage. I was standing there with his sister and her two friends. And they're begging for it. I always wanted to bed her, aka Toby's ex-wife. Oh.

Yeah. That would have been fun back in the day. yeah but i was just standing there and he walked off and he went and she was like wow that was great bobby and he went oh wait before we get much further becker are your dick and or balls out nope i'm wearing longer shorts today okay very good i just figured let's do it now did you you weren't in the green you were on stage last night i did have to edit out my dick and balls he goes oh there they are and i go what my dick and balls were in fact out what the free one they did fall out when i did the uh how do you edit them out i just cut frames for like five seconds maybe what yeah did you tell

everyone it was because your dick and balls were out i let the audio play so you they hear me say like oh i better check and make sure my dick and balls didn't fall out oh no yeah so you did Shane you copied gillis fourth mark i didn't copy gillis you literally copied it the day after theirs came out i didn't know about it wow those blue shorts my balls have fallen out several when I've been getting out of my car. So I think I have to wear like sheath underwear with those. It took a subtle, subtle hints. No, but I mean like the ones with like the pocket that'll keep me in.

Yeah. Your undies are kind of like a volleyball net at a underprivileged school. Yeah. A lot of holes. Yeah. A lot of stuff tumbling out of there. A lot of young women confused and upset forever. Yeah.

You going. A lot of Polynesians spiking over them. Well, they're all huge. I haven't bought new underwear since I've lost all the weight. That's insane. Yeah, what are you doing? They were too small before. Your mortgage is $8 a month.

The waste is fine. They all fit. They were probably too tight before. Yeah. And now the chimney's getting sweeped out from the roof down. Yeah, there's just the legs are a bit much. Yeah. Here's my handle.

Here's my spout. It's fine. I added it out. There was nothing for anybody to see. or unblur. I was going to blur it, but then I remember that you can unblur things now.

I need that footage. Yeah. Yeah, you can unscramble. That's how they found Becker. He was the Swirl, man. What? You don't know about that? Do you know about that?

No. Mr. Swirl? Uh-uh. He was like the worst monster pedophile on the internet, and he would, like, film himself, like, you know, horrifying children,

but every time he would post, like, a photo of, like, whatever he was doing, He would swirl his face, and they were like, we can't figure out who the fuck this guy is. Fuck, this guy's swirled. This guy's fucking swirls all the way up. So for like 10 years, they were like,

we can't figure out who this monster is, but he has thousands of images of him, you know, breaking children. And then finally, someone with Photoshop was like, hold on a minute, and they just unswurled his face. So they had him, yeah. And that man was Jake Becker. Yeah, I'm free. He was in jail for a year.

year and a half he rolled over on jis lane doesn't make a lot of sense i would bed her you would bet jizz lane you say jizz lane on stage and you know what that's my lane and i know it i stay in it no you don't you're all over the place i say ladies side swiping dude side swiping some bitch i bet jes lane is not as narrow as the fucking roadways here in charlotte north carolina i'm sure she's not what is it jillane yeah jillon i think it might actually be galon i think it's something very French that I wouldn't be able to replicate twice. The only, like, weird thing that I, you know, she swirled. Didn't see coming at all in her recently, like,

the transcript of her interview with Trump's former lawyer. Yeah. Was just, like, there to make sure she didn't say anything, you know, the damned him. She did admit her father was a Mossad agent. Really? Mm-hmm. She said it in there. And that was the only one where I was like, oh, okay, well, that's bizarre.

That is big news. But maybe if a liar's always lying, maybe it's another lie. Yeah, she's slipped it in there on purpose. Her father was actually your grandpa. Okay. You ever think about that? Your grandpa is one of the greatest newspaper barons slash compromisers of the integrity and safety of the world. I'd be pretty mad if I hadn't benefited from that at all.

Yeah, you did, though. You got away with being the swirl. Colonizer. Yeah, that's why you got out. Allegedly. Grandpa. Alleged swirl, yeah. I'd like to give you a swirer.

Maxwell House used to be known for coffee Now it's gonna be known for tea Oh, I gotta burp Can you edit that out? Can you, instead of hearing that joke I'd like to see your balls Just put it on his face Swirl it.

Yeah. Oh, God, that sucked. It was like a burp that hated that joke too So it retreated. Trapped burp. Now I'm gonna explode. You're Rich Voss right now. M80 and a fucking watermelon. I had that once, dude.

I went to drink a big thing of water in the morning once in sixth grade and I swallowed a bunch of air and it shoved down and I fell to one knee and it was like, ah, it hurt so bad. And my mom was like, all right, you can stay home because I was like a known faker. I never wanted to go to school. I got real good at it.

I feel like Mario, Super Mario, swallowing the pee coin or whatever and float it. Like my stomach's about to lift me up into the air. It sucks. It doesn't hurt. but it's you have to get it out feels uncomfortable hold on oh god did you lick the toilet when you were done fuck did you get all the batter out of the bowl they go okay god you what a rush that helped a little oh how about this he's like oh let's go to shake shack it's been

forever since I've had Shake Shack. I go, what? He goes, I haven't had Shakeshack for a dozen years. I haven't had Shakeshack since the millennium. It was three weeks ago to the day. Was it two? It was three weeks ago to go to the day. Three weekends ago, Irvine, California.

Yeah. Yeah, you had wiped that from your mouth. It was two weeks ago. No, I think we were off two weeks ago. Then we did Irvine and then I did Shane and then I did this. Two weeks. I'll tell you what. That was pretty weird.

Well, yeah, it was weird It was funny, it was funky Yeah, I mean, I got scared You just stumbled around, you've been driving I didn't talk at all if you noticed Luckily not I just stared and it was like Not forgetting that you're behind

The wheel of a vehicle Fuck God Nathan and Jack are gonna know Oh no That I've lost it Yeah Jack I called you Jack in the bit There's no water in there I drank it

That was old This is someone I brought it out here Because there's another one Yeah we know No, I took the mic away. We all have earbuds in. So nobody could hear it.

I'm sorry, everybody. I know they hate it. Sorry. You paid for this. It'd be funny. I sucked in a bubble or something. It was, yeah, it sucked for a bad joke. You went full Kirby on it.

I'm Kirby. I didn't get any powers. I got Susanna a bunch of like mystery boxes in Grand Rapids. from one of the stores and one of them was Kirby and she opened it and it was like Kirby and then there was a tomato and it looked like Kirby

was butt-fucking the tomato and she was like what's he doing to the tomato? And I was like he really likes the tomato and he's about to swallow it whole and she was like that's not gonna fit in there

and I was like god damn yeah she's like this is the best pussy I've ever seen that's a big old pussy The huge pink pussy. You could put that tomato in the pussy. What an angel.

Two pussies for the price of one. Dude, how about this? All right. I'm listening. I'm looking you in the eye. You kept waiting. All right. He's building tension.

Becker, you're in. Okay, so when the movie, the preview started playing, it got very loud. Right? It was very loud, correct? We didn't get to this. You guys thought it was very loud. Yeah, it was very loud. Yes.

So I saw weapons on Wednesday in like eight mile in Warren, like right downtown Detroit. Yeah. And like Hannah was like, you shouldn't really go there. Like, it's a weird part of town. And I was like, I'm in the Impala. It's just me. It'll be fine. So I went there.

Who cares if I come back? Right, right. Well, she was like, I wouldn't take Susanna there after dark. And I was like, I'm a grown man. And then Emily and the Sisu live stream group. chat said um sam has the same rules of susanna because he's a baby too so now it's like okay a gauntlet's been thrown down so i go then when i see on the screen you know when i pick my ticket for the 10.05 showing on wednesday it said uh empty theater yeah i'm like fucking

score i'm gonna be fucking vaping having a blast in here you know i got some rhes's pieces i'm gonna have a hoot get in there have it to myself and then like Previews start, and it's so fucking loud. Much like that. Right on cue. I know. I didn't like it either. Guess what?

You're a human foghorn. I'm not having a good time. That might have been it, though. That felt pretty good. You mean for life? I think I'm me now. You quit doing, hey, timestamp it right here. It's August 23rd.

It's all up hill. It's all uphill. It's all uphill from here. Yeah. This is the beginning of the Lund redemption art. I definitely feel lighter than 316. That's good. I'm probably 311.

I'm original. That's right. Look how original this is. That is good. All right. So you're in the theater. Loved it. Super loud.

White as hell. I'm like, fuck. It's loud. That's, but who knows? What am I going to do? Ask him to turn it down? Yeah. And then the screen lied because three young women came in.

Yep. Three young women. There were walk-ups. There were walk-ups. I was a walk-up as well. It was fine. But I'm saying the screen didn't lie. They came in and it was the loudest movie theater I've ever been in

and I could still hear these three young women just watching TikToks. They took a phone call during the previews to tell off a man on FaceTime, fucking yelling at him. What? Yeah, I'm trying to see what Darren Aronofsky's up to with caught stealing. You know, they're screaming. And that's when I realized, oh, this is why it's so loud.

Because one out of four guests is not used to this kind of theater culture. Right. You know what I mean? So. I'm trying to make everybody happy. Sure. Right? You crank it up.

You think you're having a good time. They do their thing. Yes. And everybody could be as happy as possible. Yes. So it's all good. But then Nicole Kidman comes on. And there were many differences between me seeing weapons, late night, inner city, Detroit,

versus us seeing a naked gun today at a matinee, the 1 p.m. showing here in suburban Charlotte. Yes. Today in suburban Charlotte, the Bridgerton cast

came on screen. Down Abbey. Downton Abbey came on screen to say, please quiet your cell phones. Be considerate. What's a cell phone? Fourth walls.

Oh, ribald take. Monsor, you've tickled my phone yet again. Enjoy naked gun So yeah They're being very Very polite up there And be like

Hello I'm unctuous P. Downton Silence your cell phones And keep your teeth together Your screen brightness Can deter the enjoyment Of the film Why not turn it low

And if you must call you must go Enjoy in the show They did not have Enjoy the nude pistol. Enjoy this pornographic film about fire. I own a fire. I need another long for it. They didn't have any of that, quote, unquote, gay shit,

as the other three women and me in the audience would have described it. Instead, they do the long one when Nicole Kidman, who comes on and she's like, film a living miracle. God's finger touching the earth. Sit down. enjoy relax silence your cell phones when they said silence your cell phones and be consider of those around you one of the young women said I don't know who this bitch thinks she talking to loud enough for you to hear clearly and laugh

Nicole Kidman heard it she flinched like a I'm so sorry 17 year old girl movies movies movies They're a communal experience One of the few we still have In this modern world of disconnectedness Shut up, bitch, white bitch White honky bitch, cracking wise up my

ass So that's when I knew that it was going to be a different kind of film going experience And then, you know It was cool though because I was vaping just Unrepentantly. I'm in there honking my horn Because I'm like, they can't arrest us all You know? I'm not going to

Actually, I probably would have Someone came in and was like, hey, you guys got to quiet down based on people trying to be more progressive. I probably would probably been like, hey, hey, mister, quit getting on TikTok loudly up there, you know? Because it was chaos, dude. So, yeah, it was a different experience. So when it was loud in our theater today, I looked over Beckers lap and said, hey, you're how loud this is? Imagine it was ten times louder. It was crazy, dude.

You said you could see the Reese's that had fallen in. So I didn't know that I had Reese's, like, spilled. I had the box. So I fucking had a couple loose reesies when the box is empty. And at one point in the theater, I heard rattling in my cup holder and there was loose reesies in there. There was a T-Rex coming for you. It was weapons, man. So it was kind of loud.

I mean, the water. No, I understand. I understand. The water in Jurassic Park. Fuck. You need some water. Hey, there it is. No, I'm good.

I'm fine. Why didn't you get? I'll just sound like this. Why didn't you get Wayne Knight's role in the reboot? they should have had you be Newman maybe a few days ago when I was still 314 when I was Pye guy

Yeah You were a pie guy Now I'm 311 So I don't think it would It would be distracting Where it's like this character's supposed to be fat He's not that big He's probably like 309 or whatever

And then I turn from in the roll No I'm behind them I'm watching the movie It's aggressive role I was actually 311 But thank you so much 309 Thank you for the opportunity

You should get Paul Walter Houser. 3.09 is my goal weight. Also a fun thing at the movie. Weapons, I walk in, old white guy taking tickets. Yeah. Give him my ticket, rips it in half, hands it back, says, you got your weapons permit? And I say, half of it's right there in your hand, brother. And he went, no one gets the joke.

You're the first guy to get the joke. And then we laugh, and we laugh, and we laugh. So it was like, I had my hopes really high. This was just going to be like, a great night. A real throwback movie-going experience. Old guys having fun about gun permits. You know, me alone in there. Yeah.

Maybe hard. Maybe I give a real Pee-Wee Herman performance in there. Go Paul Rubens. It'd be fun. That's the next move for me. Honestly. Next time I'm alone in a theater. No, for real.

Yeah. Yeah, like 100% legit. Never been more serious. Yeah. Hand on the Koran. I think I want to jerk off in a theater when I'm alone. but in a regular Yeah

Not a porno theater Yeah I'll see something that is horny Friday I'll see so Oh dude Dude Huh

You can rent out your own At Alamo I don't want that I want the thrill I want the thrill I want the thrill I want the thrill Yeah yeah yeah

I'll do it in that Detroit movie theater because I'll hear anyone coming from a mile away Is this number eight It's eight And I didn't I didn't do a

prude impression at all. I refrained. Didn't wet my beak. They'll be no editing around that. I'm just saying that they were, they were theater goers. Yes. Did I talk about my weapons experience on pod? Didn't you get firearms training? I was deemed a weapon by the wicker chair manufacturers of America.

Whoever makes that. IKEA, RIP, man. Ikea sent a cease and desist. I'm going to cease and desit. Yes. nice thank you okay you swallowed more air i'm back this one we should ask our Airbnb host if we can bonfire that couch oh yeah they're coming to the show i'm gonna tell them on stage that's funny

be like we love it it's a great place believe it or not the lineup you see somehow one of the couches was broken in half don't want to say who it was but he was before me what are we gonna do about it what do yeah good call that'll be fun we'll have to be in there yeah are they early probably I think so. You own an Airbnb, probably not your only one, you're busy, you go to the early, so you can get a good night's sleep. And it's a little stupid couch, you know? Like, that couch sucks. Who's that for?

It doesn't look like one person would explode it, regardless of our buddy being big. I think if I jumped on it, like I was coming home from work in a 90s sitcom, I would have gone through it. It didn't, like, when we lifted it up, it's one piece of fucking, like, press board with, like, press board with, like, two tiny little quarter piece hardware hooks that latch it in. It was not, it's like a children's living room couch.

Yeah, but it's like the whole cast of two and a half men sat on it at once. It was like a meteor hitting earth. God, the phone. Poor guy. Well, let me just say that weapons, I was worried about my experience. Haven't been to the movie theaters in Trinidad until

now. A lot of movies came and went that Megan and I thought about going to see, but You can watch anything at home eventually, so why risk it? Because it could have been, could be a nightmare. There's so many people with young children in Trinidad. There's a lot of, there's the college kids. Vagrants. Well, yeah, they don't sneak into three vagrants on each other's shoulders.

One, please. They're 12 feet tall. Aren't there like a bunch of like traveling baseball players housed in Trinidad at this time of year? During the baseball season. It ended, so they've dispersed. The studs. Yeah, hot, hot, yeah, hot, yeah, hot, hot, Dominicans and Puerto Rico's.

God, they're probably Puerto Rico Suave. Oh, they're eating good. You think they're going to mutiny? Oh, yeah, they come into a mutiny. Anyway. Come into? Shut up.

Did not go. His wife, dude. I didn't really like that. Did not think that anybody would be in the theater because it was a Monday night. So Megan and I are stoked. They're all watching Raw. Everyone in Trinidad is down at the town square

watching Raw. Yeah, you can hear him. over the hill It's real Everyone's crying Because seen as a bad guy again So It's the two of us

At first The two of us And the trailers start And a three people come in And it's like all right We're not alone But it's fine Hopefully they're chill

Quit jacking me off They look like pretty young dudes It's like all right They could be chill They're all wearing cleats No One of them is Korean You're like

Well, that guy wasn't here last week. I do the census. Yeah, I know how many Koreans are in town. This is one more than I have in my records. No, they come in, okay. Right as the trailers end, there's only like 10 minutes of trailers. As they end and the movie's about to start, like, four people come in. I'm like, God damn it.

All right, well, let's see what happens. They're young as well. I'm like, hopefully they don't vape a bunch and cough and then vape, and I have to deal with this. You don't like vaping? I don't want them to vape a bunch. I love vaping in the theater. No, but yeah, that's weed or whatever. I'm talking like constant nicotine vape.

I have to smell. I have to smell whatever. Condon candy. Mango flavor. I don't want that, but they come in. Then the movie's 10 minutes in. It's 20 minutes after the start time. Six people come in.

And then I didn't realize it. Probably another four, five come in. Because at the end, I see who all is in there. I'm like, what the fuck? It was insane, but... It's the most people you've ever seen. Women, like, four young girls right behind us. It's like, fuck.

They're whispering. I'm like, if it gets any louder, I'm going to have to say something. But it never does. Behind, you didn't go back row? No. It was a small theater. The best seats were where we sat, I thought. The screen wasn't massive like today.

So back row, yeah. But nine times out of ten, you got to go back row. We also don't think anybody's going to come in. It's a Monday night. Weapons has been in Trinidad for, I think, three weeks in a row. yeah maybe only two doesn't matter everything ends up being fine because the movie builds a lot of tension and all that and they don't fucking start clowning or anything uh and then when it gets it ramps up you know uh it rants but it also cramps yeah well yes but uh some stuff is ridiculous

silly on purpose uh i think so uh then they had that cool aquatic mammal scene that was on porpoise they react they react accordingly make a gun and you wrote on it you did the joke about that i punched up man's laugh yeah you stole that you didn't understand that was satire that was a fun moment shake you know it was not you're like everything was funny but man that joke it was out of killing it was out of place a little bit i think hey okay so we can both be right sure everything's everything i may be wrong No preferences. I may even be crazy.

But yeah. About when something like very ridiculous is about to happen towards the end of the film. And the weapons show up. Yeah, the Transformers. Turn from trucks into guns. The, there's one that turns into a gun. Who is it? I'm listening, though.

Oh. One of them turns into a gun car? I don't know the Transformers as well as I know everything else. Anyway. You know a transperformer. one of the young men yells kill that bitch and it was perfect yeah one of the guys in the audience yelled kill that bitch towards the screen nice yep and we all laughed and yeah when when the lights came up i turned around and i was like holy shit stood up it was spencer james

we're going back i'm doing shows at the rodeo arena 2010 denver comedy scene catching strays Oh, yeah. He is, he is. He does work in for a pet control now. That sounds. His audio album of him making, cracking wise while picking up strays. No, him killing dogs with shovels. He's huge on the dark web.

He's Mr. Swirl. Jesus. He sucks. Sure. Shit. Yeah. No. I, I, I,

I didn't get Matt because they were cool the whole show. They got it. I've heard and read so many horror stories about how it goes. And you had a, that's a horror story. Them not giving a fuck the whole time. How much of that movie is very, like I said, setting up, ramping up, or building tension. And what? Go ahead.

Did you hear about Spencer James' one-man show? No. That was just the audience. Oh, yeah. I didn't hear a fucking word you said for like 30 seconds because I had that. You're swallowing air like Kirby and like me. Fuck, man. I'm sorry.

I got naked gun brain. I've been wormed, bro. I'm going to be thinking in dumb jokes for like weeks. Well, and tonight, tonight hopefully we feel good for the shows because at this point between naked gun and this

Saratotin's gone we're going to be laughed out yeah it's going to be time I'm going to deputize Tammy we're going to be dissociating you take any shot you need to take we'll both be floating above the stage tonight all right check this out

I float like Mario on his back dude you do it but then I don't watch your set so like I'm eating it up there and I'm like all right guys no you know I haven't seen this yet check this out and then they're like over it yeah they're like yeah that guy did it already what the hell one did it better what the fuck fun's fatter so it was more comical yeah your shirt's blousey you look like you're trying too hard your shirt's blousey and in one picture you've been

looking real good lately in one picture with a fan you got big head disease oh sure sure that's all right that's i know it's a good it's a good big head disease good problem to have yeah I can be marshmallow on the stick. I don't care. Yeah. Look, I'm not going to get like super skinny. Like a used match. Yeah.

Yeah. Do they turn white? Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. Nailed it. We're cooking, man. That guy down the street was cooking.

Becker, you grill cropped him. I missed it. He had like a smoker growing, a regular grill, I think a flat-topped. And then when we got around the corner, he had another grill. And then like a little burner with like one of those giant. You know soup pots on it Massive

That guy was fucking some shit up I thought you meant The guy had a collection Of teeth jewels No Fuck He was cooking Yeah he was

You said he's really cooking I was like yeah He's wearing grills 360 degrees Just flipping Meat shaking And shaking salt and pepper on Flipping

God Run down the street I know I bet that guy's about To have a cool Sunday Yeah Take them off direct heat Put him on direct tea

put some foil on it, poke some holes in the foil. There's some dees on that bitch. Put the grill in rubbing alcohol. You know, none of us have made that P.D. Pablo joke all weekend. You mentioned him when you picked us up from the airport and that was it. I mean, like, on stage. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I talk about, my Charlotte is Rick Flair, Larry Johnson, Alonzo Morning.

I need to shout out Mugsy Boggs and I haven't. Jake DeLum. Yeah, I said that on the pod? Yes. and you hated it or whatever? No, you loved it. You hated something else. Oh, when I said Heinz Ward, you said no.

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From a double burger. A double cheeseburger at Shake Shack. I never had Shake Shack before. I wanted to get like, you know, the platonic ideal. I'll never have it. Oh, it sucked to. You knew that by the theater there was Shake Shack, Jason's Deli. You've never had Shake Shack, so you want to try it.

I see Jason's Del. I wanted it to be easy. Right. It was right there. I wanted Jason's deli because I like, you can do the half corn beef. No, no, no, half turkey, Rubin, or whatever. Yeah, like the half. He makes the salad bar too.

If we went to that salad bar, we'd still be there, dude. No, no, no, no, one trip. Well, yeah, unless you grease the wheels. So Jason's early over to anything goes. It's a box and all. It was across Fury Road, so it would have been tough to get over there. So let's go to Shake Shack. We order Shakeshack, and I look like right across the parking lot, and it's a Banchon.

And that sucked. The chicken sandwich that I got at Shake Shack was good. The cheese fries you got, they were solid. I never heard of Bon Chon. Korean fried chicken. It's very good. Very good. It is good.

Shit. You're probably there a month ago. You just forget because you have some type of skinny brain now. Yeah. My brain's been, the medicine eats my brain tissue. Unless I, the thing is, they don't tell you about my jar. Like, you have to eat a lot of protein if you don't want to lose muscle. You also have to eat a lot of brain if you don't want to lose brain.

I don't want to eat a bunch of fucking brain. Yeah, get a bunch of brain. What's next? In the limo. God. Emmy, you got to suck me off or I'm going to get stupid. That could help. I might work with her.

It might work. It sounds scientific. She just hit me up. because she was like, I bought a MacBook. And I was like, I know, happy birthday. Remember, it was my birthday gift because she needs one for work. It's like $1,300.

Yeah. You know? And she's like, hey, but my mom wanted me to put it on her card. So I need $1,300. And I'm like, fuck. All right. So I Venmoed her $1,300.

And then she calls me back and she says, why would you Venmo me? What the hell? And I was like, just do immediate transfer. And she was like, it's $28. And I was like, I just sent you $1,300 the drop of a head. And you call me back to complain about the delivery method?

If the stork brings you a stud, you don't bitch about how it smells, all right? That's what I always say. My mom said that every day. The babies stinks sometimes. It's been in a stork's bill for nine months. Yeah. It's a bunch of mackerel getting gutted down in there, seawater, it's brackish. That's not true.

Babies reek when they come out. The stork is just, they're gestating in heaven. No. And then the stork is just, no, no, no. God comes in the stork's mouth. Amniotic fluid is swirling the baby. Yeah. And then the storks just fly around the earth.

The baby gets fucked up. Sure has a glass of red wine in the third trimester. One of days, okay. It's fine. The baby's already cooked. It's a big old glass. It's also God's come. But yeah, sometimes, you know.

You put some rum in the wine. You're like, hey, the baby can't see it. It's fine. It's biblical, you know. So, yeah, if the baby reeks, you don't get a bitch about it. Okay. Colton burpope, he reeked. But only after he went to heaven.

Wait, but he went to heaven and came back. How do you think he got to heaven? Stink up in heaven. Yeah, he got in the Stork's bill. He barely fit. He was riding out of it like it was the sunroof of a fucking escalate. The Pallocan. The stork doesn't have the big.

Who knows? It doesn't matter. The bit hit. Everything's fine. Fuck. Yeah. We got to start over. Chunk it.

Pour that on this. Good night, everybody. We fucked up. where are we at 40 who cares okay well I just I have to dump now I hope I have to dump

I hope I have to dump I think I'm plugged I need a fucking hubcap cut in half God it's coursing through me slowly yeah that pork chop sandwich was great yeah yeah we can't just do the hits though oh yeah the deli

the deli was great why'd we go to shake shack because it was right there and you were like I don't eat to enjoy myself anymore. I eat for fuel so that I can keep moving and get this head as big as possible and wither away.

I want hot air balloon head. I want it real big. Garland style. Yeah. Yeah, that is tough. I guess you have to be buff. If you have big head, then you have to bulk back up. You have to put muscle on.

Because you can't just stay skinny. I want to be little. you got to shrink that head then never been little go to therapy bigger hats get your head drunk oh the giant hat yeah that's what they goggins style do yeah it's what they all do no i'm saying like undertaker's head was so big they had to get him a bigger hat i'm not saying any old big hat i'm saying the giant uh sports baseball caps oh yeah like josh allen wore yep those were invented for shack shake shake if he gets fucking michael fox disease he should get i call him michael fox because i haven't seen the movies michael j garrick's disease

what movies did you say you saw and they were good growing up yeah back to the future oh yeah loved back to the future well so last night i said to you guys we got so high we had had such a good night good day and night both shows awesome the staff of the comedy zone awesome Tammy best ever insane. At everything. She's hilarious. She's great at being a security guard. Makes us feel like safe and is worried about the crowd, gets them out safe.

Saves a woman's life maybe last night because she was so drunk. And 19. There's an 18 and up nightclub. Called the world. And what a, that's a little ominous, right? Because there's a lot of bad, a lot of evil in the world. And right outside of it. El Mundo.

Yes. and yeah i guess some some young lady like shitter sundress last night literally the club opens at 11 people are in line waiting to get in at 1050 yeah but she's already gotten told that she's that she's gonna get a ticket she's gonna be she's wasted she's gonna be she's gonna get in trouble for underage drinking because she's fucked up she's dusted smother shitter dress yeah um and We hear this. We hear updates. Yeah, she's fucked up out there.

That happens a lot over there. It's the only 18 and up club. And a lot of crazy shit goes down, whatever. But then, yeah, Tammy comes in eventually and says, oh, yeah, that. We knew an ambulance was coming for that young girl because you can't call an Uber. Hey, yeah, we got a shit staying here. Yeah, you mind having shit in the back of your car? Does that help you pay the bills?

Do you have like a hose? Do you hose down the hose? Jesus. Who hoses down the hose? who washes the washman. Tammy said that a car tried to put her in. Guys put her into a car

and we're going to leave. Yeah, human traffickers scooped her and then Tammy got on the hood of the car. She was behind them and didn't let them back up to leave. She could have been run over. She could have been stomped. How would we have gotten to our car

after the shows? I don't know. That guy, Draco would have probably done it. Draco, the man. El Mundo. Twitchy Terrence. Twitchy John Yeah, he told me

Which porn site to look at Yeah The big ones are blocked Yeah, I was like Oh, thanks so much Trying to quit I mean he's helping You said something

About a brother out Stage Yeah, I said how it's annoying When you can't watch point Yeah I found out yesterday It's funny Because you're admitting

That you whack Sure Yeah Yeah Most natural thing in the world It's the first thing People did It's the second most natural

As soon as the baby gets out of the fucking stork, man. But yeah, Tammy prevented something awful from happening to a young lady. She's the best. Did I ever tell you about the time? Oh, but then, wait, but then I suggest, you know, it'll top this night. We had such a good day and night. Gold member. I want to watch Gold member with you.

It was the third one. You always say it's the best one. Most jokes, it was. We can watch a different one tonight and see if I'm right. I don't want to watch one. One is definitely not the best one. Let's watch two tonight. Anyway, yeah, I said, watch.

I think back to the future three is the best of the three. Yeah. Everybody, or you remember loving two because of the futuristic shit, the pizza, whatever, but it's garbage. I never saw any of them. It goes three, one, two. You're too young. What would you just think of? Oh, I just, it was funny, the no way.

When three people got hitting the balls with the fucking asteroid and he hits the ground, he goes, no way, I fell on the ground. It was so funny. You were done for it. It was like you took a moon. Moon salt. Moon to the dick and balls. No, so at my wife's bachelorette party in New Orleans,

that I told you about the girl who shit her pants at the buffet? Oh, God. I don't think so, but please. Let's go. Take me there. So it's like, you know, the squad who's with my wife for her bachelor at party, you know who was in her bachelor's party. You know who was in her bridal party.

Katarina. I'm not going to say the names. Okay. Her cousin. It's bruisers. It's a squad of bruisers. It's a squad of bruisers. It's throw down.

Let's get loose. We're fucking drinking rum out of a shampoo bottle, you know. Emily's never been safer. Right, yeah, yeah. It's the squad. It's a real whack pack of broads, all right? There's beetle juice. There's high pitch Eric.

It's the whole bunch, all right? And fucking, so they go out and they get wasted one night, like tanked. They're on Bourbon Street. Well, no, I'm sure. It's kind of a who-care situation. I think, but they go to a quarter of two sisters, court of three sisters, I can't remember, but it's a really nice swanky sunday brunch buffet yeah it's like this was the first place i think

it's a court of two sisters it's the first place i ever saw a crumb scraper on a tablecloth blew my mind when i was like 12 or 13 years old so this place is like hollowed halls i told emily i was like you have to go there sophie was there of course she was like we'll go here it's great so they're there and they're in line holding their plates and they're one of them's wearing a dress like a sundress it's new orleans and my sister and emily said they were behind her and all of a sudden they saw her just kind of like writhe a little bit like she was on dm tv yeah exactly so and then out of the bottom of her sundress fell a turd oh on the floor on the floor at the lunch buffet on sunday yeah silly buddy just a little plug

And she turned around and, like, looked down and saw it and was like, I have to go. And it was not, it was the most well-behaved, sweet, trustworthy. I mean, it's a rogues gallery I really runs with, you know? Yeah, but she's a bunch of fucking ECW jobbers. And then, and then this girl is like very, very sweet. And Miss Elizabeth. Right. So she shit her pants.

Eke a mouse. She shit her dress at the, yeah. the cat oh my god so here's the thing she's like this is like the lowest moment

of my life like I'm so hung over I'm so embarrassed like I gotta get out of here and she's like I'm leaving and they were like yeah yeah

get out of here and they just had brunch without her well I mean yeah she picks up the turp puts it on her plate right

puts the plate back yeah yuck or puts the plate on the ground, puts the turd on the plate. Bails. It just gets like... Does my rope thing on the way out?

Hello, my lady. I guess I'll go out the way I came. Poor lady. The turk comes out with each pull on the rope. Man. Just scatters. He's dehydrated. It was like probably hard as a rock.

Oh. I think it was like liquor. If all she did was drink, yeah, Cosmos or shots. hurricanes you know all sugar drinks like yeah not enough like bourbon street water in the in the ice yeah yeah so she's dried oh that's how the turn coming out snaps it cracks in half it's like well it could have been worse

could have come out whole hog I'm glad I've never been wearing a garment that would put me at risk of his ticking balls come out It's just never ending you know You're wilting No, I'm fine You're offended

I'm good I love it You've never I'm going over here as all Oh God Yeah my belly hurts Becker's farting

You stink all the time But you don't think it's you I'm perfect It's not me right now I bet it's Becker I'm perfect I'm perfect. You farted and had me evacuate the room.

Yeah, but I told you to leave. I didn't do it while we were trapped. Never had Shake Shack in your life. Never had it once. I could never have a double. Why, you've been doing so well with Manjaro, what made you get a double cheeseburger and cheese fries? I could handle it.

These were also very generous portion. Yeah. Usually Shakeshacks burgers are a little skimpy. It's smashed. Usually it smashed real thin. Yes. But your medicine makes you not be able to have much of anything. I remember, but I need to protein.

I need protein. I need more protein than I don't need protein. Protein in your veins. This is a fun way to eat a bunch of protein, ground beef. No. Not at all. It's like I ate a fucking just loaf of bread, but it was made of beef. Imagine feeling like you had unrisen, unbaked beef.

Been reading Becker's notes. He's been working. on beef bread for a year and a half. He can't figure it out. He got a government contract for beef bread. That's not quite right. It's a wall. Yeah, no, that's the main thing you keep telling me is that it's not meatloaf.

It's beef bread. It's very different. If you don't get that, what are we even doing here? Yeah, no, he does barbecue sauce. It's gross, but it's thick. That's the thing is it's like dense. So not only can you eat it, you can shave it off little slivers, you know, but also it keeps you safe.

And if you've got to keep a door open, you know, You got to keep a car from rolling down a hill. He put it behind the tire. Log up. Yeah. I said you should go beef, brick bread. Triple B. Beef and brick.

And you said, I'm not going to give you any money for that. Thank you. And I said, I need 25 points. And you said, last time you got 25 points, you were fucking playing basketball in third grade. And I said, damn, that's pretty good. That's pretty fucking good, Becker. All right. Yeah.

Good luck. I just looked down a shirt. No, well, I straightened my shirt. Oh, God. I think I just lost another, like, pound. I think I'm, like, 310 right now. When that guy read your shirt at the coffee shop, I wanted to RKO him through the counter. That's what I thought about.

Duck party, dog party, dog party, so I got to read what I see. Yeah. Shut up. Right. Shut up. We walk up and there's two women, mother daughter, right? I thought you were sisters. Yes.

And he says that like twice. And he's like waiting for the applause or whatever. And then they're like, no. Just a whole. You said he loves doing the show. He gives him the show. And it really was two months. After he says, are you guys sisters?

And they're like, now we're mother and daughter. And he says, well, we create her own reality. So in my mind, you guys are sisters. And you're blowing me. Yeah. It was too much. He didn't say that. It was too much, though.

I was asleep. I was asleep 20 minutes ago. Yes. We wanted to leave from here after waking up coffee movie. And yeah, immediately. Oh, well, it was hard to get it. It was a house, former home. Right.

turned into a coffee shop so the parking lot it looked like there was one next door that was a church we hear we're in line watching this jag go all the way off and then we finally yeah we think we'll get coffee and he's taking so long with the and you know I thought to myself I was right he didn't

do that with to the same extent as us because we're two dudes he's really like just he thinks he's being charming or whatever it's like come on he looks like a fucking egg just yeah he looks like an egg yeah he was like a three diglets stacked up he looked like gross Not Josh Gadd.

He looked like a character actor. Josh Nads. Josh testicle sex. Josh bag. Yeah. I wanted him to dump it. So yeah. I'm watching him.

He's like, what do you do? And that's when I'm like, I know what I want to do. But there's not enough bullets in heaven. So fucking. There's not an armory big enough in all of God's kingdom to do what I want to do right now, brother. So fucking, he says, so you're a teacher? Oh, my God. I think you guys are the real heroes.

And that's when I said, Nathan, I can't do this. I have to get out of line. I can't go up there. He really walked away. Did you go down the stairs? Went down. I was like back here. Over to the church.

Yeah. Oh, God forgives. Yeah. Yeah. I went over there and boom docked thanks a little bit. Yeah. I had a dust around when I came back. It's a confessional.

There's three confessional booths and you just spray them and come back. You're like, I think I go. I think I'll be okay. I think I can order my own coffee, Daddy. Yeah, you bailed. You were like, all Venmo, you know, and you walked away. But you were gone for like 20 seconds. I know, because I was like, I'm being a pussy.

This guy's trying to be nice. He's everything you want the world to be. He wasn't, like, gross. It was certainly, like, dumb, flirty, but it was, yeah, I'm sure he is trying to make them stand out. He's an unsack testy, and he's swinging, all right? And that's what we all are. So once he gets done coming in, once an unsacked testy, yeah. What the fuck?

You know what I'm talking about? A ball outside the bag. Yes. Unsheathed. The horror, the, the, maybe an urban legend of the kid who climbed the chain link fence and sat on top and sliced. Melvin Doyle. I knew that kid. I did, yeah.

We call them Uno Esty. In my town, it was Buzz Langford. Sat on the chain link fence. And that's why you don't cut yards. It's why you don't sneak into the school playground on the weekend. That's right. Because you're going to slice your nut or slice a sack and the nut plow comes out, a dog eats it. Yeah.

Yeah, and then you've got to cut some friends out of the pot. You can't get hot. 30 years later, and you're sitting over in editing bay. Airbnb owners think that we checked out. They come in with their dog to clean. The dog goes straight to Becker's dick and bar. Choms is bare nut. We got a lawsuit.

They're like, hey, we'll call it even. for the couch. That's fair. Fair is fair. Last night I got all excited because I think there was one lightning bug. Well, you saw there was one.

I saw the little flash of light. One little glow from one lightning bug. I get so excited because I haven't seen them, I don't think, since I was a kid in Evergreen Park, since I was 12 or under. You say you have them in Michigan. Oh, in my backyard. Yeah.

Yeah, when I'm back there doing my fucking quadrophenia experience. It's almost more. There's lightning bugs everywhere. That humid is lightning bugs. They're so fun. So I get excited that, you know, there's a big backyard, a bunch of grass back here. It could have lit up. It could have been full.

And we could have ran through this backyard chasing them eight years old again. Could have rolled, just steam roll them all. Just do a kill dozer situation back there? They're in the air. Well, so I think that they're directly tied to the blooming of my black eyed susans. because my black eyed seasons finally came in late in the season and now since they've been there like the lightning bugs have been nonstop well yeah i got so stoked if there would have been more but we can go chasing waterfalls

tonight i don't want to go to some fucking bar we don't have to go i've been literally scared of it all day that sucks because tammy is like adamant that we go she's like saturday we're going out and like i don't want to yeah that's okay that's never want to go to a bar and get screamed at let's not do it yeah we would be outside which would probably be less annoying. Like, I don't think she knows that we don't drink. Service industry bar. And then we told her last night.

Finally, in the green room after her admency was made evident. Well, after she talked about tequila, she said put some tequila in your red bull and coke. Someone grabbed another person's penis. Yep. Remember that?

Someone's horn got honked. Yep. In the doorway. And he loved it. He didn't do anything. He didn't walk away. Do you think he liked it? I think he's probably used to it.

Besides, went dead for eight seconds. Yeah. He came back and he was like, Yeah, he was Luke Perry, dude. You guys need anything? Did you count eight seconds? I know eight seconds, dude. I'm a whole writer.

You rodeo as much as me. So is Emily. She calls you Luke Perry. Yeah. Your honor for eight seconds and then to die. He walked away. All right, all right, there he goes. Put it all on black.

Big blind, that's you. You hope there was, uh, what, Fritos in the chip case. Dealer, that was you in high school. Whoa. Small blind, that's my penis. Looks like a little mole. Speaking of small blind, how about your opener last night? That was so funny.

We had a, uh, we had a pine size comedian join us for a guest set last night. That's right. That worked out pretty well. I only saw him seated. Yes. Well, it was a perfect storm, right? You note that there's a bunch of comics. Me, being a class act, I go out and say hello to all the comedians who are there watching the show.

You know, because that's textbook. Good guy behavior. That's Chad textbook. And I shake hands with all of them. And then I go back in the green room and the sound guy Bobby comes in and he's like, same lineup. And I'm like, what if we do a guest that's late show, you know? Is that cool with you? He's kind of like not like, yes, but it's the, hey, if you want to do that.

And it's like, okay, but just tell me how you guys do it because I'm a guest here. Blah, blah, blah, back and forth. And then finally, all right, we're going to give a guy a guest set. I only saw him seated on a stool. I did clock how little his jacket was. And I had to bite the tip of my tongue off when our host, Jordan said, man, where did you get that jacket?

And I wanted to immediately say, without thinking, because, you know, it's just a synapse that's connected, baby gap, you know, because he was little, little white jacket, little white man. Yes. So anyway, I asked Jordan, I'm like, who's the funniest person out there? He said, Jason easily. I was like, cool, let's give him five.

So your opener for this very, very small man who did five minutes before you. Very small. Like, Mike's stand not even all the way up, and he's shorter than it. Yeah, but not. We just talked about like a little person versus a dwarf. Dwarf is proportional. Yeah. Little person, not.

And he was not. He was just smushed. He was regular hands, head, torso, but his legs were small. I think he was in the Storks Peak for a little too long. You know, like a goldfish, he grew to the size of his bowl. Very funny. I bet he gets laid all the time. Yeah.

You think so? Yeah, probably a huge hog. What? Yeah. Just the way that he carried himself? Yeah, man, he's great. Yeah, he's probably a real fucking checkmark for a lot of freaks out there. But I'm not saying that.

It's like best of both work. world. He's a little smaller of a guy, but he's like funny and he's got normal hands. I'm barely the man of the house and I live alone. Normal. That's right. And then I said at one point he was like, I'm big. He's like, I'm not a little kid. I'm big. Yeah, all I come up with it's enough is give it up for Jason and Jordan. Jason, you know, we asked him right before the show, can you do five? And he said, I can do 4.11. Yeah. And then that wouldn't have been enough if I would have sat there and been like, hmm, satisfied? It would have.

I wouldn't like it as much. I would have, I would have milked it. I go, he's short. I'm fat. Who cares? Let's fuck. Yeah. Yeah.

That was the third sentence you said is let's fuck. I was on my way to a hell of a set. Both sets yesterday were great. You drank most of a Coke and most of a Red Bull. I drink half a Coke and half a Red Bull mixed together. Which I thought was going to kill you. That's why your stomach hurts right now. It wasn't Shake Shack.

Well, the Shake Shack was the Pint. It's the barely chewed meat log that I ate. Yeah. I'd fucking reverse birth meatwad is what I did. I'm meatwad at the restaurant in Denver. Oh, but everywhere. Thanks to that dude, Matt. I roll around. I just had an epiphany.

I was like, yeah. We maybe shared that. He's Master Shake. I'm Frylock six months ago or something, but I didn't realize that this art of me as meatwad, you as one of the DIA gargoyles, is in a restaurant in Union Station in Denver. Cool. What was the guy's name in Aquatessen? Carl.

You're Carl and Meatwad put together. I'm Carl. Yeah. I used to be able to do a pretty good Carl. You did used to do Carl really good. Hey, Meat Man. I don't need instructions to know how to rock. That's almost.

Yeah, I know what's going to do, me, ma'am, but... You're not bad when I do to meet my butt. Well, it's not that good. Oh, Becker! I used to do Meatwit all the time. No, you did. I just wanted to fit in. I thought we were all doing voices.

Kim used to work at an architecture firm in Vegas. Dana Snyder's dad was one of the owners of it? Something along those lines. His name was one of the... No, she worked at an architect for an architecture firm. Design firm. I thought you said art detective. Art detective.

Why have we not talked about this? My friend. Those aren't just in Pink Panther movies. No, she worked. at like Tate Snyder Kinsey, which is some type of, maybe not architecture. It was architecture. I think it was architecture. And he would come in, Dana would come in sometimes and she like had an aquitine picture in her cubicle and he maybe gave her a little pussy, a little pussy of shake. And a signed DVD. I never got to meet him. That would be cool. But yeah, that was

such a funny thing. Yeah. She met him a few times. He came in a few. few times and he obviously barely talks differently than the character so that would be funny hello everyone i can't do it i do carl it's crazy how he lived through that crazy shit that got him he lost like most of his way he got him he got in trouble he could know he got sick as fuck oh and like was probably going to die and then pulled out like miraculously i don't remember that shit i pull out she's going to kill herself hey hey hey free up yeah yeah let's uh get out of here we're done shows yeah we gotta go hey man i uh need to get this out of me go poop it right for sam it's gonna go down your shirt and stuff yeah yeah i'll change

you run a trash back did no i'll change them all right yeah i mean if it's whatever shortest on your head is involved yeah i mean just take it down to like a one then i guess because the zero's what skin basically i don't know the terms yeah we're gonna have to go to skin on this end great this is just uh it's looking very american history act make me look like you rush all right well i shave my normal you use what a scimitar i use a sith is that the same thing sight so sithe is the big one is like the reaper's blade uh-huh a scimitar i think is a holy sword that's the big hooked blade becker i believe you're correct i think a scimitar has like not just cultural but religious implications too i also believe

it has like a handle handle you carry that sword right who's in india yeah what who's up north the southern guys also have swords but yeah people the hindus aren't sword people right i think i think the seeks are more seeks who the sword they've got like little knives on them called kirpats what's it called kirpah kai r p a i wish i carved the shape into but i haven't it's okay here take your glasses Yeah, yeah. You're watching a game out here? Yeah. Should I sing something for you?

Probably like... Probably a killer or something. Becker, am I beautiful? You're getting a lot closer to it. All right. Almost there. Becker, just put this in the middle without any introduction. Put this before the ad?

I just like put it in. You want me to do the eyebrows? Uh, very good. I think you have a garage. No. I think you have to take my side for her. I did. All right.

They're gone. You look like Andrew Schultz. I can't even imagine what TSA would have said if you'd walk in like that. I wouldn't have taken my hat off. They would have made you. They make you take your hat off. They don't. anymore really yeah every time i do it they're like you don't have to do it off yeah and you

show up with your shoes off and they're like you can put your shoes on you're like it's religious i didn't bring shoes i want to shape your beard up a little uh i'm just gonna hit it when i can go his widow's peak and some top stuff is still oh yeah so what i'm just Completely smooth now? No. Oh. All right.

You'll be a seal man soon. I love having hair. That's my thing. Having hair. I'm gonna walk in there and shake off in front of that table. Just right into their drink. There's hair everywhere. Like that dog on Evan Hull.

Oh yeah, there's a little... I wish I could have just left that. What, the Alien Ant Farm? Yeah. That's a diet green in a couple of weeks. Huh. All right. Thank you for a good.

Thank you. Thank you, dude. Becker refused. I was happy to do it. No, you weren't. Because he's giggling at my Professor X. I was doing that. So what was the Jubilee?

Hold on, no, I'm recording. Oh, okay. We'll tell you in a minute. It's not that bad. It's not great. I don't think we should just throw it in at it without the rest of the context. Well, I was thinking you put this in the middle without any audio. Okay.

It's just like... Just cut the audio up. Then I definitely should put it at the end if there's no audio. audio. Is that a people? Well, I know you put it in, but you leave the audio of the F. No. That's too already.

Yeah. Okay. I think you are clean, my friend. Thank you, bro. All right. It's good. Chubby behemoth. I'm your hero.

That's another for Baltimore. I'm the seals.