Chubby Behemoth - What About My Gubbies?

Episode Date: December 28, 2025

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     Sponsors: Lucy - Support the show & get 20% off your first Lucy order with code CHUBBY at https://www.lucy.co/CHUBBY     Factor - Eat smart @ http://factormeals.com/chubby50off & use code chubby50off to get 50% off your first box, plus Free Breakfast for 1 year!     HIMS - Support the show & get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care with HIMS @ http://hims.com/CHUBBY     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys are all in different places celebrating the holidays. Sam is going to be a leaf in the wind, rubbed the bones in tomato paste, and got coal in his stocking. Nathan had his subtitles on, got amazing advice from an Uber driver, and had to wave a man outside to explain himself.     00:00 My Team 02:29 That Lady Is Fun 04:18 Pulling A Sam T 04:58 Surf Party 06:33 Clumps Of Hair 07:26 The First One 09:17 French Dip Connection 10:51 Going Bowling Ball Style 12:44 King Of Communication 14:00 This Candle's Heavy 15:17 I Like Euphoria 17:21 Making Shirts 18:20 If Only I Was Hungry 20:35 Primo Shit Since 1981 23:17 Six Pack Of Rubik's Cubes 26:35 Chill And Watch Football 27:40 100 Girlfriends 29:49 So Excited To See Us 32:34 Walking Out To The Street 34:21 Opposite Of Florida 38:01 High On It Right Now 39:11 I'd Be Inside 42:04 Just Wanted To Catch You 47:12 Stiffy 50:13 I Can Handle That For Sure 52:26 Staying In Florida 54:04 Maybe Not The Best Thing 57:38 Def Leppard 59:19 I'm Hustling 01:01:00 That's Ten Wings 01:04:11 This Was Nice     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

just multitasking you're on another call with your team your other team no sadly you guys are you guys are my team and then the other team is out there mad at me that I'm not with that team talent so oh yeah a man between teams that is always the thing where the Sophie desperately needs you every waking hour if you're on a trip right so I can be told that I'm not as much fun as I once was. I have to be there to remind her how fun I once was. Drink. Drink on this pod so that you can stumble out there like Rick Flair and show her how

it's done. No, man, I'm just going to take pills. We're in Florida. I got a bunch of pills. Just going to eat a bunch of pills. Who cares? I mean, that's easy. And I don't get fat that way.

You better be fucking careful, man. Fuck that, man. I'm going to be on pills. I'm going to be easy for. crazy. I'm going to be chill. I'm going to be a leaf in the wind. Everyone can blow me. You can't do rhino tranquilizers, uh, 100 pounds lighter and, and be super cocky. So just scale it back. Have a couple of times. Yeah, I don't have through the rhino stuff. I found a hippo pediatricist. With me up with what I need. Baby hippo medicine. I'm fine. The rhino one makes you

bulletproof. The hippo one makes you super aggressive. Right. Super dangerous. I'm going to be Reckless Everyone's going to have to deal with it And then we'll see who's not as much fun As they were Yeah Look how much fun we're having Sophie

I'm in handcuffs Bleeding out of my mouth Putting holes in the walls Putting holes in the walls Mm-hmm Yeah Who's paying for this? We're at Long John Silvers

I'm about to give the cashier A Northern Light Suplex I'm like look how much fun we are Sophie I'm going for the three count Yeah I just like have a rabbit and I break its neck And I say we're having fun

Just staring at my sister Snap a rabbit's neck It's your birthday Yeah And remember I'm completely fucked up on pills The whole time So like no one can be mad at me Yeah dude oh it's fine

I just watched I think is it the first episode Of It's Florida man about that woman and her pill slash withdrawal from pills adventures like sue or whatever and she's just she oh my becker you haven't seen it's florida man is that the second season or i just don't remember yeah first up okay i haven't watched second season it's like season three or season two episode three or so i thought it was fun it's just a lady whose sister kept telling her you're not as much fun as you were the next thing you know she broke into the mayor's house and is trying on his wife's wigs for like that lady is fun. That's a fun lady. Four or five days. She is just literally talks about being

Goldilocks because she's fucked up and or off of meds. Oh no, she had weird side effects from taking new meds and goes bonko and sleep and goes into people's houses thinking it's looking for her friend, Gwen or something. And then getting sleepy, finding somewhere to sleep regardless of whose bed or you know she doesn't know the first people the second people i can't remember it was crazy she's just ending up sleeping in beds she oh she showed up she was late for a court hearing i'm just explaining an episode of a show but she goes to a court hearing for like an original driving recklessly but she's straight from the beach because she forgot so she's in she's wet in a bathing suit she's dripping in court sand everywhere but you're sand on the body

Bible, her hand leaves a sandy handprint on the Bible. People think it's Jesus. It's, people are so, but that's you. Yeah, that's you. That's you, an episode of It's Florida, man, based on Sophie, yeah, daring you into it, pressuring you off of a beer. Yeah, I mean, it's, it's just like, you know, that maneuver that Lund just described, describing that episode. And I get why you did it, Lund. Now your HBO max subscription is a tax expense, good call.

Well, because it's you. You're down there. You're pilled up. No, I get it. I get it. I'm wearing twill. And now I can write this off. But that maneuver of breaking into people's house just in a fugue state all fucked up on pharmaceuticals.

In about five years, they're going to refer to that as pulling a Sam T. That's the direction that I'm headed in, artistically, recreationally. It's going to be smashed on pills. I'm taking a lot of gigs in, like, Mexico City, so I can go to the pharmacies. human killdozer I'm showing up to like autograph signings pretending to be David Harbour just going completely nuts

screaming oh how about this all of all of Hollywood is failing to keep that under the rug so let me be the one breaking the news Stranger Things guy went completely and now Stranger Things the season finale comes out

January 2nd so there's like teams of people working around the clock in L.A. Just like Harbor Watch day trying to make sure he doesn't, you know, go to Chucky Cheese and put on the animatromic hat. Yeah, they've been to cancel all of his appearances. Like, it's been, they've done really good with PR of keeping this hush, hush. Yeah, his ex wrote like a whole song about all the nasty things she found in his fuck pad. Oh, and then did it on S&L.

And then he went, uh, he thought he was a real cop, shaved his head. Uh-huh. He looks like me. Yeah. Look up David Harbor Barnes and Noble Escondido. Apparently he was there having a surf party in the middle of the day.

Book signing. Yeah, he was signing Korans. People were very upset. Well, that does sound awful. If he's manic like I was, maybe a tree, climbing a tree might help. But that sucks. Get some pills

like me. Either climb a tree or get on pills. Listen to Chubby Behemoth. Don't get a head infection. That's what Becker did. all right you want david harbour any port in a storm for david harbor yeah uh poor guy but that was that was me breaking the news i'm now you know a journalist like andrew shultz

yeah weighing in yeah weighing every day i get on the scale if i don't if i'm not under i just pull out clumps of hair cut a finger off every day yeah shave my pubs take out of tooth i'm beautiful aren't i beautiful snap i'm it i threw not one but two christmas parties on purpose oh you guys know i was a willing accomplice to both of those um they went off miraculously you didn't go full harbor no no i did not have to go a perfect storm i was uh was very

chill i was the first night very high giddy almost seeing everyone having a nice time and i think the highlight the first one was uh jim jim's family at our house uh jim of course no longer part of the family but the families get together doing doing his own thing i think that makes more sense um dude he showed up to our house dressed like the french connection I don't know what that means. Oh, like, like Popeye Doyle. He had like, he had the same hat that I wear that I got in France that then Suez got for him when he stole my look. He had like a loud silk shirt on, a scarf, a leather jacket and very tight dungarees.

Yeah. It's like, why are you, why are you dressed like a detective and niece? Oh, your ex-wife is here. I get it. You're stepping. You're out stepping, Jimbo. Yeah, trying stuff, figuring it out. yeah he's never looked as cool ever i mean i just last time i brought up jim he was wearing a wolf poncho

at a comedy show that's right this is not our wolf the same one that i wear on the pod right you got you got a good you got a good deal because you bought nine of them or whatever i well i bought the alpaca i just had the villagers shave it and sew it up for me my dad has one too he likes to flash the windows, he says, just standing in his house, just flashing, flashing pike's feet. Is he just, is he following in Dave's footsteps of like, all right, he's living? Or do you think he watched the French connection? And he was like, this is going to be my thing. I think he literally was like, oh, that's a bald guy that everyone wants to bang. I'm him. That's me. It's Gene Hackman. It's a young Gene Hackman, I think, is Poppa. Oh, Pope. That's not. That's not.

But that's not French connection, is it? I think so. I watched some of it on a plane, and there's an N or two involved. And I was like, oh, good. And I've got the subtitles on. So I turned it off pretty quick and moved on. Or maybe, yeah, I think I was like, oh, never mind. You thought you ordered the French dip connection.

You were disappointed. It was a movie entree combo. Movie and a meal. Yeah, I know that Alamo Airlines failed, but I was for it. I said, I said, you know, let me up there. I think it might have been on the way to Australia. Yeah, Jim was cool. The whole family was cool.

Yeah. I guess penis is an okay word for the five-year-old girls to say because I was being called butt cheek, butt cheek, and then penis, butt cheek. Your name is penis. There was a lot of that going on to the point where I was like, all right, that's great. good stuff guys like my name is bud yeah you know about primus let alone bud uh-huh that would have been awesome if i'll hit me with your name is pud yeah and then cranks it yeah susu goes bum bum bum bum bum bala ma ma ma'm there nobody else is going to be down there with you right

it's just the talent cooks crew mm-hmm just the core five So, yeah, what, and did Jim bring his roommates? I can't remember if that. They were not allowed. Emily said no roommates, no girlfriend. So it was a good squad. You know, it was his 12 kids, you're not 12 kids, but there were 17 of us total. I made French dips, literally made French dips.

If you think 17's a lot, hold on, Lund. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm holding on. So there was 19 there. Emily just weighed in from the bathroom. She's polishing her butt. She's going bowling ball style on the beach. She's shimmering. She wants to be able to moon people if they're leering too hard and blind them at a laser pointer.

Bottomless is good because everybody's looking up top and they're like, cool, this is cool. And then meanwhile, you're getting away with whatever you want down low. Yeah, yeah. You're flapping bush. You're bottoming out. Flapping bush. Yeah. Yeah.

The winds and the willows. But, uh, Rog and Toad On a bicycle On a tandem bike at the beach Bottomless I called Island Susu Puk and vomit

That shut them up Rache and Pimple The Battle Toads Yes For sure Peebop and Rocksteady What was the third battle toad Rash?

Zit That's right isn't it Why the hell Was that their names That sucks It's so weird it was the 90s man I know but they could have been

ace and cool and something yeah well see the same problem you had it was they didn't have they didn't have two seconds also they weren't like gross

they were cool I guess they were rude dudes and so they didn't give a fuck they were punk the game was also impossible it was terrible it was like the worst game ever it was a scam yeah

but I made so I thought that you know It was fun until it wasn't. I'm the king of communication. I pay attention so well that there was 30 people coming. So I made, you know, 10, what, 12, 13 pounds of roast beef for these French dips. I nailed it. I nailed it.

Shout out to my boy Ross, who's a private chef in Detroit. He was in my house. And he was like, this is how you do it. So I had the aju, I have the bones. You have to rub the bones and tomato paste so you can caramelize it when you roast it. that was great so this au jus that I made was like pristine umami it was like I scraped all the fat off I was left like a very good fub broth kind of a shimmering rippling fish skin thing it was awesome of course every every woman who came by to taste it said it needs more salt so what are

you going to do there I was like no you need a new tongue because this is a delicate lattice work of flavors and depth and they were like you should put soy sauce in there they have horse mouth they want salt and sugar they want a cute tongue they want it on demand I've never added salt to any goddamn thing if it's not cubed and lickable they don't want it

Emmy how are the French dips she said really good if you guys can imagine so I think that that went really well and the next night we had a million wonches in our house 38 launches 60 that's in

insane. It doesn't make sense. Touching every light switch, you know. Yeah. Picking up a lamp and saying this candle's heavy. I mean, these are simple people. Is this free? Uh-huh.

Is this for me to this? Is this kind of a grab what you want? White elephant? I'm kidding. Your people don't steal. The change jar is almost completely empty. Yeah. The slur jar is full.

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Again, that's l-u-c-c-y-o-c-c-chubby. and use code chubby to get 20% off here comes the fine print lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified warning this product contains nicotine nicotine is an addictive chemical so we're having a blast over there we did a bunch of sausages people brought a bunch of hot dishes it was just like I was so proud I was like beaming with like this is my house all these people are in it look at everyone having fun the kids are in the basement the kids were all over that white couch doing DDTs to each other. It was perfect. Eating glass.

Eating glass. You know, throwing rocks. You have them down there. Making shirts. Uh-huh. I need a hundred shirts. I know it hurts. A hundred shirts for Orlando. I know it's hard. That's what I do every day. They keep making smalls. I say I can't use those. Those are worthless. Those are less than nothing.

I told you six smalls. Uh-huh. Susu's in there, just Susu has her shirt wrapped around her forehead. She's just whipping them. She loves it. It's the Milgram experiment. She gets off on the power. No, but I'm sitting next to Jerry when dinner's served and Jerry's not hungry.

Old Jerry, 93 year old Jerry, the best. Grandma wants you. We're sitting there. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, Jerry, you're going to grab a plate? And she's like, oh, if only I was hungry. I was like, well, I'm not hungry either. we could go smoke a joint, and she says, oh, would that do it? And I said, yeah, well, that would do it.

And she says, what about my gubbies? And I said, huh? And she went, you know, maybe I could have one of my gubbyes. And I was like, you're what? I liked my gubbyes. And I was like, I said, Jerry, you mean gummies? And she went, like, like she was, was, is that how you say it? You know, like she, it was very, it was very fun to be, to tip her off that she was saying her

weed gummies thing wrong. That's, yeah, I figured she was having fun with it. She calls them gubby's. She looked, she looked at the package very quickly before hiding them in her pocket. So she thought she's a, uh, gubby's. Well, she's probably high on gubby's. She had a couple and she forgot, yeah. Emmy, do you think Jerry came over, gubbed up?

No, she takes them at night. She takes them at night before she plays pool. Down in the pool halls. It's Sigs at the pool hall. Uh, yeah. 99. Rack. Yeah.

I got stripes this time. It's like, no, you don't. Don't call him, Jerry. No drinks on the pool table. Jerry's old school. That was another. Otherwise, the White House. elephant went great.

Emmy, anyone get dicked down at the white elephant? Oh, man, poor Aunt Pam got her shit stolen four times. What did she have? Him kept getting rocked. I don't know. She had a nice casserole dish. Her daughter took it. Then she had like a paper towel dispenser that Steve took.

He was like, oh, that's a good one. He brought the paper towel dispenser. Ah, yeah, yes. It's a good move. Just get something you want. Right. Then no one else wants because it sucks. Yeah, so she didn't go about that part.

Right. Jerry, so Uncle Tim did a cool thing. By the way, every fucking time I run into Uncle Tim, he's got some wacky new story about doing drugs in 1978. Jesus Christ, man. The most Republican cop. He is a former police officer, 20 years on the force in Dearborn. That was, and as he, you know, he's like, I was, I was a cop for 20 years, you know.

And then I quit 19 years ago, but smoking pot every damn day. So in February. I said, that's enough of the fucking pot. You know, I'm high all the fucking time. What am I doing? I got a great life. I got a great wife. I got the grandkids.

Fucking stone. What am I doing? Too many gubbies. I got a cut back on the gubbies. I got to cut out the gubos. So he says, so he, you know, he captures me in the corner and he says, you know, and like, so I haven't been smoking since February. Now the other night, we're at Pam's friend's house.

They're great people. You know, we play volleyball together. We go on bike rides. You know, it's Jeff Richards house. great guy, realtor sold my daughter at her house. He's a great guy. So we're standing there and we have some beers. And I said, these pops are peeling. They're pretty good. So then, you know, one of the ladies steps outside. She's got Primo shit. She's had Primo shit since 1981.

So I step out there. I say, hey, let me get a puff of that. You know, so I take a puff. Next thing you know, I'm six puffs in. I'm fucked up. I am fucked up. But, you know, these are good people. You know, it's me. It's Pammy. It's Jeff, you know, it's Carl Rettenbacher. You know, great guy uh you you know carl you know he used to be the alderman down there uh river rouge so so he just like he's telling me all the people who were there their exact relationship to him and then he's saying and then he says to me oh you know that's why i'm fucked up sam so i said i got to get one of these waters i go sit by pammy i say pammy can he get me one of them bottles of water next thing you know i'm fucking five waters deep i'm sitting there with a graveyard of plastic at

my feet and i was like tim it sounds like you were pinned he said i was fucking pinned so that happens and then like 20 minutes later i hear him talking to gregg about a different drug experience and i say him say and you know gregg i was pinned i was fucking pinned so now he's saying pinned that made me feel jabber yeah he's a jabber he's always putting putting weed over and water putting over oh yeah well you know i but the night before i win the police academy it's 1978 you know my buddies they got a cabin they say let's go up we got a rental cabin they're making mushroom dackeries next thing you know all the fucking furniture's in the fireplace we thrash the place we thrash the place we thrash it it was pin it was we were the whole place was pinned when

we were done to it man we pinned that place so tim's cool 38 people in your house must have you weren't it wasn't stressful at all no i mean it was the luckily we had the first night of the 19. Yeah. And, you know, half of them are on the spectrum. So it was a quiet, quiet time, you know. Counting the bricks on the outside of that. Emmy says we should, we should, Amy said that the six pack of Rubik's cubes wouldn't be enough. She was right. Uh, so, so I think if we didn't have that dry run. And then luckily we had Sue, Sue, Sue spent the night, uh, Aunt Pam showed up early. We had a whole system that Emily, Sue's and, uh, me devised as to like what goes in the oven. win how long does this need so it was a pretty smooth well-oiled machine and then uh you know

the watchers are fun people they just want to drink too-hearted and uh you know have a laugh or two so it was pretty smooth good i mean did you feel overwhelmed at any point me and her didn't yell at her at all like we know we weren't each other's throats the whole time i told you it would be fine because we know how to do yeah we know how to do it and i hung out with Sue's all morning while Emmy was at work and I'm talking to Sue's, I'm like, Suz, you know, you could go on dates. You know, you're a pretty lady. You're funny.

You're smart. You're fun. Like, you'd be good out there. And she says, yeah, but a girl my age goes on a date. What? Just so you can make some guy dinner. And I was like, okay, so we talk for like 10 more minutes and I'm like, yeah, you know, but you could just get out there. It's nothing serious. You know, it doesn't have anything serious, just casual. And she's like, yeah, so I'm out. I'm at dinner.

I have a nice time. Next thing, you know, week later, I'm making some guy dinner. So I'm like, so I'm sitting there. I'm listening to her. I won't be fooled again. Yeah. So she says, yeah, you know, I just, I miss, I miss Jim. I miss just, I miss just talking over coffee with Jim.

I just wish I could have that. And I was like, that's a date, Suz. You go, you get coffee, you talk to some guy. And she's like, yeah, but then later that night, I'm there making him dinner. And I said, Suez, what is this dinner thing? What is this huge dinner hang up that you have where you think that that's all you're there for is to make dinner. She's like, I know what I'm doing. I'm 60. I'm in my 60s. That's all they want is

dinner. Uh-oh. Speaking of dinner. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. She's on camera. Yeah. Sophie's on camera. Thanks for letting us go. Where are you guys going? Right now? You're getting tattoos. Going back to the beach. The beach, brother. Hawaii Yeah it was a Hawaiian accent Atlantic Islander

you look you look that's you look great you look cool yeah bring the purse get out bottomless

yeah they're both bottomless but hey they're batting they're batting six pairs of eyelashes if you know what I mean I don't but but we're having fun

you guys were all at the beach and now they're going to the beach did they towel off to reenter the void we were supposed to go to dinner and I said I don't want to go to dinner I said I want to chill and watch football and Sophie said you just killed mom again

in my heart so that was that was difficult she she bounced back she was smiling but through the tears yeah shaking up the pieces uh well it's just like okay i got home on sunday uh immediately there was no football for me it was just family stuff monday was what the 22nd right so the 22nd is just getting monday was just getting ready for the party Tuesday was the 23rd that's the concha party

24th Christmas Eve so it's just like nonstop yesterday we do Christmas morning with Susanna I wake up and you know I'm up real late throw in this party we clean up after the party we drive to Susanna's you know we sleep over there we get four hours sleep because she has to wake up I wake up I go out I get my stocking I still have sleep in my eye you know I'm barely awake guess what's in my stocking Coal. There's coal in my stocking, which is funny. That's a funny gag, but Susu thinks it's real. So now Susu thinks I've been bad. She's like, oh my God, he got coal. You know why I got coal? You know what she told Emily? Emily, why don't you come tell Lund why I got coal according to our five-year-old niece? She said, because you have a hundred girlfriends and none of them are Emily. Whoa.

Oh my Lord. She's been telling this story for a couple of weeks now, and she has a list of all of his girlfriends that none of them are Emily. She found my list. I mean, she made up a list. Chances are 100 young women. One of them is also named Emily, so she could put an Emily on there and just say, this is not you. A couple of them are named Emily.

I believe it. Yeah. They should. That would twist the knife. When Susu's seven, she'll know to have, yeah, what sucks is a couple of them are also doctors, but they're better at being a doctor. Yeah. And their name is a only. And they're younger.

And their feet are smaller. I don't care anymore. Is that bad? Was that a salvo? I'm going to need a lot of pills. Are they going to? Are they going? to the beach? I don't know

or care really at all. I'm here, I'm with you. Mel and my dad are watching the football game from the pool like we have a pool outside. It's heated. We're on a dock. Mel's been fishing off the dock. You just walk outside. He's fishing. You can fish from the pool. It's insane.

What game is NFL? Yeah, it's Texans Chargers. Is Mel and my dad going? awesome guys night in guys night yesterday i was good too you know we get in christmas we get in late we have to take an uber no one picks us up from the fucking airport despite it being christmas everyone's so excited to see us uh and then yesterday you know what what do we do we go out to an outlet mall because there's screaming deals the day after christmas there was no such thing it was packed it's peak season in florida of course it's not half off and then

to celebrate our loss there, we went to Walmart in Florida. Five of us. My dad stood in front of the pudding aisle for five fucking minutes, just staring at different puddings. So I was good yesterday. I didn't complain at all yesterday. I don't want to go to dinner. I want to stay in.

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subscription purchase we're not smoking weed on the property we're walking out to the street we're not hitting our dab pens inside we're taking the puffco outdoors i mean come on is somebody watching you yeah my sister and my wife jesus all the time they don't what do you mean they don't want the weed inside or they don't they're working for the landlord the landlord put a bounty on it she said 500 smokes if anyone smokes weed okay and they they would they would rat you out for 500 no no it's just like it's a really nice place and we had to sign like not only the Airbnb agreement, but then we had to sign like a city of wherever we happen to be a rental

agreement that said no smoking anywhere on the property. So I don't know. I'm 38. I can't be getting booted from a place because fuck you, I won't do what you tell me. But also, I hate following the rules. Well, and they drinking coffee at night. Oh, no. I've finished mine not that long ago. I might be gorked tonight, but. Well, Lund, tell us about you. you dodged a bunch of bullets last night i mean i've been hogging it i wanted to hear all that should we do the ad read let's just do them all at the end oh right well i'm having a wonderful time real quick orlando come see me columbus ohio come see me january eighth cincinnati come see me uh edmonton or was it winnipeg i don't know rumors up there come see me portland

oregon get your fucking tickets seattle get your fucking tickets in dallas and fort worth you motherfuckers you're the motherfuckers coming i'm on pills i'm in the opposite of florida minneapolis sycophis brewing last night it was great uh i had an uber there and had uh the guy you know for some reason i mentioned that i'm doing the shows instead of just going to a place keeping it vague and he's like oh comedy man you're the headliner no no no no No, it just felt weird to be like, yes, this is brewing.

He's like, what's going on there? And I was like, well, there's comedy shows. Have you been there? No, no. And then I just figured, might as well say, yeah, I'm doing the shows. And he was like, oh, man, I was just listening to Cory Holcomb. And I was like, oh, cool. I haven't met him.

But I told him, or I asked him if he knew about him jumping at a guy from the stage. And then I remembered there wasn't video of it. So he did not know about it, but I told him that. And he was like, man, I believe it. And then he said that I was out there doing my thing. I said, that's right. And how I was, I'm normally with you, but trying to headline more. He's like, all right, all right.

He's like, you know what you could do is everywhere you go, you know, you like walk around, you do some stuff. You see that city. You come up with a joke or two that you do in that city. And I just wanted to be like, yeah. And speaking of good advice, 10 and 2. with your hands on the wheel allows you to drive safely and if you look a couple car lengths ahead from our car you know you're then you're you're a few seconds ahead with your driving yeah

now we're now we're now we're both now we're both better at our jobs now we're both professionals but then of course of course that that's my local story is making of course yes did you say in the car like hey man that's a good idea or did you just kind of yeah Yeah, yeah, something. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's not bad, man. I'm writing it down now. It just says, dumbass Uber driver.

Yeah, yeah, blast this guy for sure. Yeah. So, yeah, I did that. Also, Armand. Hey, man, you should like, you should ever get up there. You're like, hey, man, like, you should maybe like say like something nice about the troops. You know, you should be like, hey, give it up for the troops, man. Yeah, he's like, I was in the Navy.

No, this is what you do, too, is you figure out where, like, a good part of town is and then also where, like, the bad part of town is. And then you say something about how you went to that bad part of town. And let me tell you, there wasn't, there weren't enough feet in the world to get me out of there quick enough. And you know what? You know what? There's like, around these. parts, man, the Minnesota Vikings. Everyone loves the Vikings. So if you say like a good thing about

the Vikings, I bet that crowd's going to be like, oh, this guy gets it. This guy knows us. And yeah, I was just sitting at the altar, the altar of college. You're like, you should drive with one foot. Carve them into my arm. He's up there like, that's good. That's good advice. You should smoke more weed while you're driving for Uber. Oh, oh, speaking of, shout out a dude. I don't know if he said his name. Yeah, that was rough. But he was rough all around for me too. It's like someone farted into your butt and then you tried to swallow it back down your mouth. Yeah. Yeah, that's accurate. A dude, a fan gave me an eighth. I think it was a, I think it's a full eighth. It was a nice little jar of Blue Dream that he grew himself

and it's the shit. I'm high on it right now. I smoke so hot. I am high. I'm high as well. You shouldn't be high on here. It's like flour pills. I'm not high on pills. I'm using medicine. Okay?

I was prescribed the medicine. I'm going to use the medicine. I miss using the medicine. Some guy gave you drugs. A doctor said, here, use these. Several doctors told you, hey. This is the most I can give you. Every doctor I go a couple blocks down the way.

Uh-huh. All of the doctor. What do you think? I'm in Florida for two. weeks. Dr. City. Dr. Feel Good. There's Dr. Feel Better.

Right down the street from Dr. Feel Good. There's Dr. Demento. She's at the beach. Dr. Feel Bad, which you would think nobody would go, but people are crazy. Some people like it. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So, yeah, that Uber driver.

Also, this, so that guy was dumb. This is me being dumb. I am staying at an Airbnb. be so just a house in a neighborhood and i got here very late uh thursday night christmas night because uh andy sell picked me up from the airport and whoa oh yeah took me to it's not what did you guys talk about oh deal with the revolution you know how yeah how we got to do something uh how we how we hope desperately that he dies like just fucking die please so that we can get a little win before the new year.

I would have loved to have been a fly on the windshield for that conversation. You wouldn't be able to hear because you'd just hear, I'd be inside, stupid. Oh, on the inside of the windshield. Yeah, why the de-frost is, warm as hell. I'm not clinging on the outside. We had the windows cracked, so it's... You know, I take it back.

Maybe I didn't need to hear this brain trust. Was anything nice said about me? Maybe that's the question. No, we didn't talk about you. Well, I'm sure I said how we've been having fun. No, I'm sure I said that we've been having so much fun, but I also enjoy headlining, and it's nice to be able to do both. And I literally have it all.

I'm the luckiest man in the world. And I hope he dies real soon, preferably violently. You're talking about me still. No, not you. The other him. The other him. How's Taylor? Do you see Taylor?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Andy took me. And also, I saw them at Jordan. Do a DSA meeting? So I hit them up and said, hey, you know, I'm coming in Christmas. If you don't have plans and we can have dinner, that'd be cool. And so, yeah, they went to their place. We had dinner. We watched the Nuggets Wolves game, which was awesome. Went to overtime. A bunch of our friends were there. Loving it. 18 points in overtime. 18. Yeah. It was in Denver. It was rocking. They were getting beat up. Yeah. They were down by nine. At the end of the game and then into overtime. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, Jamal and Yokic, everything started to hit going in, Tim Hardaway Jr. Yeah. So they won. It was, and they, Taylor and Andy have been here for five years. So they're Wolves fans, but they could suck it. But yeah, we had dinner. We had dinner and it was nice. And I got here to the.

Airbnb very late because if the game went into overtime I got here like one it was dark I go on up a driveway into the backyard people thought it was Santa yeah I was cheating on Santa the crampus and had killed Santa and was trying to take all the presents that have been given but no so I get in here and at night the next day yesterday I get up and find a coffee shop and a Mexican restaurant that there's not much nearby so I go do that and come back I walk back and I'm walking up to the spot and I think that I see the spot and the owner who I haven't talked to you yet in person I think I am catching him going into the house I'm like oh hey hey hey hey hey there and he was like hey what's up man and I was like oh I just wanted to you know say hi and thank you

I just got some coffee or whatever. Oh, cool. And I was like, are you going to the shows at all? You know, like, I don't know if you have any plans. And he was like, uh, what's that? And I said, I'm at Sisyvus Brewing. He was like, oh, yeah, no. I don't know about that because I got, you know, like five Christmases to go to.

I was like, oh, shit, all right. Yeah, I get that, you know. And then I ask, like, ask him what he does. And he says how he used to do, like, tour managing. Now he does events, like corporate events. uh audio visual for like all types of dumb shit he said how it's not as fun but it's you know regular work bought the house i said hey i get that brother you know uh any who you know i just wanted to catch you before you went back inside have a good one and you know if you go to either show let me

know or whatever and and i'm sure he knows he's no sam so i thought you know he was he'd be on the guest list easy enough yeah and then he goes inside and i go around his house and i go wait a minute this is not the same this isn't right and i come back out and look at the front at the address and it is it's not the right one and i go my my god oh yeah so i fucking oh yeah so i fucking Oh, so I scared a guy. He scared a guy. I confused the shit out of a guy because I didn't see me. He thought you were going door to door advertising your shows as if his brewing.

That's what he thought you were up to. I would have scared the shit out of him if he would have seen me go around the house. That would have been like a horror movie, right? Yes. The beginning of a horror film. The Vince Champ biodrama. These guys have a little interaction. And then the dude thinks, all right, well, back to Christmas 6 or whatever.

And see, or the camera sees me go to the backyard. And then very bad Santa comes in. I'm in the house. Exceptionally bad Santa. Holy shit. Yeah. So I see him in through the front window. And I'm like, I gesture like, please come here.

And I'm laughing. and he comes out, I'm like, dude, wrong house. And he goes, dude, I didn't know what the hell was going on. Yeah. But because he did tour managing and just with work, working with so many random people, he figured that he knew me from somewhere and I just caught him and was telling him about the shows. So thank God that he's not like this total square who like, if he had had a gun, would have brandished it. What would have been like, not today, Satan.

For sure. Yeah. Oh, man. He does, he did what we do all the time, which is kind of go with the flow and hope that you either place them or they say something, you know, they say something that clarifies exactly what's up. Yeah. So I'm so glad I caught him so I could explain. And why did he come back to the door? You're standing in front of his house going.

He's locks the door. yeah i'd come back and be like dude beat it get the fuck out of here like my wife is in here you gotta get the fuck out of here yeah well it was also like god it was dumb but it was just enough where like the driveway was kind of similar the front of the house was not at all but like it was dark the night before blah blah blah also there were oh so they both had inflatable christmas stuff out front and the where i was staying they were deflated when i came back they were the ones that i saw in front of this house were inflated but i saw them and the dude and i basically was like

oh shit i want to say hi so that was it my brain didn't keep processing anything else but yeah i'm glad i think you're staying at the house of a pod listener i am yeah oh he no yeah sam said he gave us the tickets to the gopher game that we went to oh yeah Mr. LaPlante, I think, is his name? He's a good guy. Yes. Yeah, good guy. He's not here, but, uh, oh, speaking of like the Uber driver, I get that weed and I don't have any papers or anything. So I ask Sam if he can help me. Yeah, I'm already eating some. It's a living. It'll, it'll work psychosomatically at least. Yeah. I ask Sam, he's like, no, but, uh, Scott is a big pothead. So let me hit him up. He's not there. But, but, uh, he's not there. But, but. Uh, he's got him up. He's not there. But, but. Uh, uh, he's got. But I'm sure you could grab something. And he had to chill him. So I grabbed it. Getting help for EDD.

No, no, no. Okay. Getting help for ED shouldn't be. Dick pills. Yeah, you need them. Meanwhile. Yeah, you don't know. You don't know about them.

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Oh, I thought it was a con. Good night. Oh, and Scott messages Sam where it is and then says, I'm pretty sure that it's beat, you know, and so he would just need to clear it out. And I'm sure he knows how to, and Sam's like reading this to me. And I was like, yes, tell him I can handle that for sure,

clearing the chillum. I don't need instructions on where to hit the side with the lighter. And Sam actually didn't know what a chillum. He asked what a chillum was, and I thought that was weird because he smokes. I mean, I don't know. Some guys, it's all they don't smoke or there's regional, you know. Do they call Beanie's Tukes up here? That's mostly Canada, right?

But I think maybe some of Minnesota, all right, well, I think there's like one state that calls them Tukes instead of the new diehard, is a Christmas movie? conversation this year and I'm like no I don't fucking oh it's a beanie it's a I'm not trying to do that I know you're not I've just had so I've had like five people ask me what I called that hat this year and it's like what what TikTok conversation did this come from that's permeated my life now how is it my problem in the words of Nathan Lund how is this my problem yeah why is this being made it's like uh before that it was uh hey baby it's cold outside sure's a little creepy, huh? That guy sounds like a real Nathan Lund-esque, or G.D.

He's a G.T. Yeah. No, I mean, Dahl had that joke a long time ago. Remember? Well, Jordan Dahl? Yeah, his, I remember his joke. He wasn't, he didn't care, I don't think, about the lyrics like everybody did.

He said, what if Willie Nelson's saying it? And that was very funny. Maybe there's bats out some. I wear your makeup. when you're not home. Yeah, yeah. I think that was the whole joke, right? If it's just he wants to hear Willie Nelson sing it. You know what?

Yeah. I couldn't tell you the setup to a lot of guys' jokes. You're so killed. I can tell you the part that made me laugh. Yeah, I mean, and not just pills either. I got some tinctures, some ointments. I'm going full of a lot of an addict. I'm staying in Florida until I go to Columbus, Ohio.

No one can take me out. I'm going to be over here on this side for until January 3rd that I'm going to Orlando to do a show in Orlando at Brooklyn Bowl or something, some punk rock bowling zone. And then my dumb ass is jetting down to Key West just because I'm going to do shows down there for three days. And then I'll meet you in Columbus, Becker or Cincinnati. I'm not sure. I thought, yes, I thought you told me to go to Cincinnati. Yeah. Go to Cincinnati. You'll be safer there.

so the show was very fun i uh so Andy came Taylor did not she had like a big headache or something stayed home but Andy came it was cool to know that he was just seeing what I've been up to because I don't know the last time he would have caught any of my sets uh and it was a very good show shout out like several dudes in wide world shirts a couple people we met at skankfest the dude that talked wrestling with me I called him I called him I called him I called him call i've been calling him genetti because he asked well my maybe my favorite my favorite underrated wrestler and i said you know genetti had it all could have been way bigger if uh he hadn't fucked up like several opportunities and got hurt real bad uh i remember i remember when you saw him and you ran up to him and you went marty genetti right yeah because he had hit me up after i think right after our pod and then i had to think about it and i hit him with genetti and he liked that yeah they he and his uh lady came and everybody was cool very fun excited to do it again and i i wasn't sure if i wanted to talk about the don't go to sycophis brewing posts and i did

because it was very funny to me and then after a while i realized like maybe not the best thing to let a whole crowd of people in a room yeah yeah maybe the whole time an event a man Mass shooting. In this room that they're in. I don't know if it's a mass shooting if there's a couple dozen people. But. Well, if they shoot you. There was a good crowd.

Yeah. Yeah. Volume shooting. The only one man mass shooting. One man massacre. Yeah. And I mean, they get tight. They got tight for the dead.

dad stuff so well you know but i got to live my life i got to speak my truth and it was funny to tell a bunch of the people that you know were able to laugh about it that uh yeah we had the that weird post and then it's like why would i go back on the 27th if i were if i were shot yeah 26 show must go and that was all fun and then literally uh at the like i must have had six minutes left like it was the end of the show by all accounts we started a little after eight it must have some guy opened a beer too loud and everyone ducked under the tables are backfired and a lady shitter band yeah uh no through him on stage like a bra you put them on that's your new closer put him on my head yeah not dog food but pudding hat staring at the pudding pudding

See my dad staring at this fucking pudding I mean he made a really good pudding treat for dessert But man he was just in there But he needed the pudding to pick him Yeah It was like he had a divining rod He was trying to find water in the desert Putting that grigree on the box

There were There were two couples that came in at the very very end And that was perfect because I was like I was like oh shit it's not a dude it's a fucking death squad said it's a contract it and and that cracked well that cracked everybody because then it was like i don't know like they love they loved that the idea and maybe and one lady afterwards said i thought the same thing i was like oh shit like four new people come in at the very end you better you better have been absolutely crushing to make these jokes yeah okay good

It's just some point to think of someone in there, like, someone's having an okay set, and they're being like, yeah, well, if we don't want to get shot up tonight, like the threats online said, and they're sitting there being like, oh, man, I'm going to get shot up watching this guy. God damn it. Watch some struggle? No, it was great. This guy's counting the lights. One side of the room was quieter for most of the night, and so I started to blast them. I was like, what do you guys want? You guys all 24?

Because I talked about how my references are not ideal for a younger crowd. and uh i talked about uh i did the zz top you know thing in the joke about bands where i used to live and then i said uh are you guys getting you know you guys aren't getting any of this sorry i don't have any jokes about euphoria and then a dude said something and i was like what and uh his wife goes he thought that you were referencing the deaf leopard album euphoria and i was like yes like I said I wish dude I wish we could all be on this I said do you have one arm you know so I get him he's he's loving that but yeah the other side had fun they were just a little quieter and so and I also I didn't do the I didn't mention the death threat thing right away because I figured that yeah yeah ain't it been doing it long enough to know you don't know I didn't start I didn't start with it I started with the Uber guy and then did whatever but yeah it was great I I did not some of my sense you know I didn't start with it some of your stuff oh yeah a dude a dude asked a dude called sam and said

hey uh is sam talent going to be at the show and so and i so i relay that and i go guess what buddy no sam would not open for me unannounced i'm sure they think that we're together all the people think i live with you or what that i move my life to to go to detroit with you so yeah they also think that yeah you were going to be an unannounced surprise feature act yeah so that that made me laugh and uh yeah there were a bunch of uh wide world chubby fans uh several of whom i thought we had met before but we had not so that was cool uh yeah it was great and i'm excited to do it again hopefully hopefully tonight is also good yeah two shows tonight i'm doing another show at cissifice that

I was asked to do 10 minutes on. It's like, all right, so what? The ambition on this guy. I have to not do. Yeah, I'm hustling. I didn't go to the Comedy Corner Underground Mike after last night show. Jake Silberman and the host, Armand, both asked if I was going, no, I think I'm good. I think I'm going to go.

Oh, right. This is what I did. I fucking, I ate Casabria for lunch, and it was awesome. and then I didn't and that was at like three and then I didn't eat before the show and after the show I hang out oh yeah because I talked to these two guys who were the only two guys that said they were Chevelle fans they reacted to Chevelle they were like woo and I was like what and they were like Chevelle and I was like yes and I said so we were talking after and they were like we're the Chevelle got or they were the bathroom boys because like five people got up as to go to the bathroom as I was being. introduced so i got to start by being like hey what the hell you guys like uh he's not good right away so i'm gonna go squeeze off a piss it was like four or five six people but really i'll bet i'll bet they just hadn't peed since the start of the show they were trying to be polite till they couldn't anymore but it was funny that so many people would be like oh this is my cue to

bail he does local stuff up top let's go smoke yeah but uh so they were the bathroom boys but they were also the Chavelle bros, and we talked Chavelle for a while after the show. And I take an Uber home, I'm starving, and I order two slices of pizza and five wings. And I saw that they were five whole jumbo wings. That's 10 wings. Well, let me get there. All right. okay i did i did not so i did not really think about that at all and i get the two slices of pizza

because i'm like this is not a crazy amount of food this is pretty good i'm not getting a whole pizza and and lying to myself and saying i'll you know i'll only have a few slices tonight and i'll eat more tomorrow i'm being good the food the food comes oh i smoke some of that blue dream i'm high as shit uh i quickly fill up like i have like well four wings i have two full wings and like one slice of pizza and i'm like hey look at me i could be done right now that'd be pretty good i go that's good way to go yeah i get into let me finish i get into bed and watch some uh youtube and then uh i'm like hey i could have a little more food it's only five wings or and I'll have some more tomorrow and brother I ate it all and then did the wing math and I should have wing stopped but I did not until they were gone and then I thought my God I'm fucked I was a little scared so what you blacked out while you're eating 10 wings and then you just see the bones I'm literally like you're like a fucking veteran in the jungle you're just hacking through and then you come out and you have five

earlobes just wearing on your necklace no I knew what I was doing but I kept thinking that I was going to stop right therefore I was a good I was a good guy and I just kept chewing as I'm like oh yeah well as long as I don't eat at all it's not insane and then I did and then I thought I mean around the time I was finishing I was like fuck this is 10 wings you son of a bitch it's Christmas it's okay you're allowed to pull at once that was my dinner and late night snack, whatever, but No, no, no, no. You just had a long dinner.

You don't get, I don't think you can say, well, that was my, I'm supposed to have a dinner after dinner. Just, you just think, it's great. You had a big show. That was the second time I ate that day. That was the second time I ate that day, so it wasn't, I was very hungry. If that's all you ate all day, that's fine.

And it's better to eat all that right before bed. Meal. I ate, but like I said, I ate. at like three, and this was like 1 a.m. Hey, man. You think I'm going to rag on you? You're headlining on your own on the road. I'm sure you've jacked off like 12 times.

You're eating wings. I know how it works out there. The guy's not upstairs, so I can crank my hog while I'm cranking the born volume. Yeah. There's been a volume shooting down here. Oh. Well, I'm not going to see you guys for weeks, and that doesn't bring any joy to my life. that's not true is it yeah i'm not going to see you until we're in canada i'm going to see

becker when we're in you know Cincinnati i'm in rapid thing next weekend january second and third oh yeah west river comedy club that should be fun who's featuring for you this weekend jake silverman oh man so the silver man he's been here since like march but he's moving back to new yorks in a couple months so he reached out elliot weber's featuring tonight uh he was in Denver for several years moved. I know little Elliot Weber recently. Yeah, so that's cool. A little smelly at Weber. Yep.

You know what else is cool? He was joining the Patreon, everyone, because I want to get off the road next year. I'm just kidding. But, uh, you know, let's get those numbers up. Keep it cranking. So many great episodes over there. Uh, you know, put some food in Becker's dish. Uh, what else is there? I don't know. This was nice. I miss you guys. It was nice to get some laughs in. Yeah. Pretty good.

episode there's a lot of good ones in the patreon yeah i love that you're out there doing it and i'm the one who's chilling oh yeah i'm sure you're not furious i was until i saw your guys's dumb faces and started giggling i'm trying to find i love you guys goodbye