Chubby Behemoth - Where People Went to Say It

Episode Date: August 28, 2020

Amish Brillo. All the right things. Salt is a crime.              Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Mgawa! Wah! Wah! Wah! Wee! Well, we're not doing the Cartman voice. We're doing disturbed voice. Welcome to Chubby Behemoth, live from Mutiny Information Cafe.

Yep. Right by the pinball machines. I'm surprised you can't hear them. This is a good sound setup. Yeah, we're set up right here between the simpsons arcade game and the whack-a-mole and uh the whack-a-moles all have hillary clinton's face on them so it's been politicized partisan we got the yang gang in the house whack and hillary silly um we got the wang gang we all got our dicks dumped we're sitting here uh letting we covered them in honey we got

a bunch of mosquitoes attacking because we're trying to get the blood flow going down there. You ever heard about that? What? That's a thing? People getting their dicks bit by scorpions and mosquitoes to try and cure impotence. Scorpions, yes. But mosquitoes sounds like lunacy. Well, my dad went to a scorpions concert and the lead singer gave him head.

He said it was all teeth. So that's how i learned about it god damn yeah it sucked you guys did literally you guys didn't keep anything from each other you know dave talent dt mean old delirium tremens 18 years sober way to go dad latin for somebody give me a shot hey dad when Dad, when you want to give up this whole sober facade, let's crack a couple cold ones open. Who would you rather fall off the wagon, me or your dad?

You. My dad keeps my mom alive. He's a caretaker for my lovely mother. Good call. I want you to fall off a wagon and then I want you to run someone over with the wagon. I want you to get a DUI. Your Honor, the horse was doing most of the driving. Must be harder to get a DUI if you're Amish, right?

You're like, listen, I was just sitting here. All of a sudden, the horse got spooked and I'm three blocks away holding on for dear life. Your Honor, the horse was wasted, all right? Yeah, yeah. You're smelling the horse. Yeah, you're smelling the horse on you're killing the horse on me the horse got into the gin mill look the molasses turned it fermented and uh the sorghum turned

into sweet sweet rum and now that horse has been saying it two means japanese i like uh i like when you are in amish country and you drive by the guy in the horse and buggy. You know, you're going 85 with the AC cranked, maybe some scorpions. Of course, attached to your dick. Getting rocked like a hurricane. And then that Amish person has to just be like, well, I get to go to heaven. It's going to take me four days to get to my sister's house, but at least I get

to go to heaven, probably. Yeah, that guy's kicking ass all the way to hell. Yeah, the highway to hell is paved with burnout marks. Skid marks aplenty and donuts. Sounds like my underwear. Skid marks and donuts., and donuts. Sounds like my underwear.

Skid marks and donuts. I'm supposedly getting a Dodge Charger from my dad when he dies. That's cool. So we could do some burnouts. Go to Amish country, make him jealous. Go to Indiana and impress all his child brides. Look what you're missing out on, Shebadiah. What year?

It's pretty new. I mean, I think his dad's got about what, six months to live? So, 2021. Knock on wood. I think it's probably like a 2017. It's pretty new. I thought it was going to be a 60s or early 70s. No, no, not a

classic, no. Because that doesn't have taste. No, I think my dad probably put flames on it and some fake bullet holes. Those are fake bullet holes on the motorcycle, for sure. Because that doesn't have taste, he had a settlement check. He had to spend it in ten days before Kmart went bankrupt, so. I saw a murdered out Corolla, dude. I saw a fucking all black, even the license plate had been spray painted.

In the Walmart parking lot yesterday. Yeah. Like you couldn't read it? It was murdered out, man. All black. The windows, just fucking jet black paint job. The rims were black. Nice.

Murdered out is the thing me and my fellas say out in the streets when we're doing three card Monty for the tourists. Uh-huh. But I have murdered out whip yeah wow look at that drop top i like uh murdered out better than begging to be pulled over like how far do you get if you spray paint your license blade black he's like oh perfect now i oh i'm getting pulled over he's like now i get to go commit my crimes. Shouldn't have huffed all that spray paint.

I should have, yeah, I should have, should have definitely used more on the car than on my nose. My favorite thing that,

that, that reminds me of is when I worked at the Mayan movie theater, there was a time, glad you cleared up that it was the movie theater and not the temple.

Not everybody lives, not everybody lives here. We have fans all over the world. Estonia, shout out to the Estonians. bratslava umguchk i'm sure that's offensive i think that means uh congrats on the genocide congrats on survival yeah uh the election was fair no there was a time where i was at the Mayan and this dude came in and he had a

complete golden ring around his mouth gold spray paint and he goes hey man y'all hiring I said no we're not man and he was like cool and he just turned around and walked out as quick as he walked in and he had the can of

spray paint hanging out of his back pocket. It was so funny. I'll never forget that guy. I was so glad that he just kept moving, you know? Because I didn't want him to stick around and yell his resume at me. I just blew gold dust!

I didn't have time to print it out so I'm just going to recite it from memory. I suck Dustin Rhodes' dick. 1989 to 1996, Blockbuster Video. 1997 to 1998, Incarcerated. And the resume. I produced Jeepers Creepers. I worked at White Hen Pantry in Illinois.

I can't tell you which one. I got bounced around. I am a Mayan. Yeah, yeah. This is not gold spray paint. This is my breath. I ate a Mayan. Yeah, yeah. This is not gold spray paint. This is my breath. I ate a gold bar a couple days ago, hoping it'll pass. It was Xanax.

I'm gilded. He spray paints with Xanax gold. Yeah. Gold breather. Speaking of Xanax, I found one last night. I ate it at 8.30 after I took my wife to the airport. Woke up at 5 a.m. on the couch. Whoa.

Yeah, just pants around my ankles. Dick chafed. Yeah, dick chafed somehow between two couch cushions. Gordy trembling. Yeah, Gordy smoking a cigarette. There was $100 in your dog bowl. When did you take it? After you got home?

Yeah, I found it and I was like, cool, this is my night. Found it at your house? No no i found it at the park yeah of course i found it in my house yeah me and my fellas were out there playing three card monte we won it off the guy it's funny that you would find it in your house like you've lived there for two months not how when'd you lose it well probably the last time i ate a xanax. I don't know if you really danced with Sweet Lady X, but... Well, I would think that I would take it and then put it in my mouth and then the rest would be like you know, stashed somewhere

safely. No, I mean, that's how you should do drugs responsibly. You just pop the cap to the pill bar and just shake it out into your mouth. Yeah, it's like I'm putting sprinkles on a cupcake. This is Dash. Here we go.

Yeah, Zans are cool, man. Xanax. I got a prescription for Xanax long ago when I first started having panic attacks. I went to a doctor because I had a good job. And I got Xanax and Zoloft. And I didn't like the Zoloft. made me feel like shit so i stopped you know they say like feel like shit for a month that means it's working and i was like this is not right right but the xanax but xanax is well xanax is cool but i remember thinking it was weird because i could not uh form thoughts. Which is good to a certain extent.

But weird side effect or weird effect to just be watching TV and just be a vessel for whatever was being shown to me. And not have any unique opinions. There was no random thoughts like normal. It was just nothing. It's cool. It's the best. It's like when Clockwork Orange where they have his eyes held open and you're just absorbing all that shit.

It's chill. But instead you're just watching like fail videos on YouTube for six hours. Yeah, I could see it being fun eventually, but it never really got me. It's the least recreational recreational drug. Because, you know, if you eat like mushrooms or acid, you're're like let's go climb a water tower and spray paint our names you know let's uh let's make fake money and try and buy dvds with it but with xanax you eat one and it's like all right i'm gonna be lucky if i make it to the bathroom yeah yeah yeah everything slows way down and i was like uh oh time to breathe again yeah breathing's overrated.

You've been wasting all this energy breathing. You have to tell your body to breathe. I guess that's why so many people die on that is that you can take enough to where you just don't remember to breathe. What was I supposed to do again? Oh shit. Breathe. I like that your doctor could only prescribe drugs from the last quarter of the alphabet. He's like, Zoloft, Xanax, Welbutrin? Sure. If you want Ambien, you've got to go next door. Wayfair.

Not Coumadin. No. Coumaté. Yeah. The doctor's putting his taped up hands into glue and glass. How bad do you want to feel chill? How bad do you want to be relaxed? How bad do you want to be relaxed? Man, I remember fondly when I had health insurance.

It was 20 years ago. I just got it. I went to the doctor yesterday. Oh, no. Yeah. I was worried about it. How much time do you have? Well, you're getting a charger. Phone charger.

Yeah. Sick. You've got a 2007 Impala coming your way, too, Lund. I'm like Jay Leno all of a of a sudden i got all these cars yeah you had to take my blood but the needle didn't work so we had to start a siphon like he was stealing gas how long had it been since you had seen a doctor oh well you know i see a doctor nude every night but uh as far as being in the office and not the orifice like a real doctor like an actual doctor i know your wife and not the orifice... Like a real doctor. Like an actual doctor. I know your wife is a doctor or whatever.

She's Dr. Feelgood. Doctor of voodoo. She's got a liberal arts degree that she calls a doctorate. It had been seven years. Yeesh. That's a lot of bad luck in those seven years. Yeah, a lot of living. A lot of mirrors got broken to lead up to that seven years.

That's seven dog years. Yeah, a lot of living. A lot of mirrors got broken to lead up to that seven years. That's seven dog years. Yeah, you checked your teeth. Your gums are good. Yep. My joints are bad. Yeah, I gotta switch food, but... Yeah, the hips are going. I gotta get off hard food.

I gotta go wet food. So all I need is pussy. So yeah, they tested my blood and it turns out I'm perfect. There's nothing wrong with me somehow. They loved everything? The results were just... My wife thought that the results had been photoshopped.

Yeah, that you paid them off? Listen, Doug, my wife's going to kill me. You've got to bring down the diastolic and the hyperbolic. I can't think of the blood pressure. My wife's going to kill me. And she was like, well, your thyroid's going to do it first. This whole pancreas you got ticking away in there. You have two thyroids, and they're both real out of whack.

They're battling. They're fighting for supremacy. The two halves of your body are engaged in civil war. Did you know you resorbed a twin? Not even in the womb. About, it looked like seven years ago. You took on a whole new cellular structure. Long lost twin found you and you ate him immediately.

Just instinctually. So competitive. Swallowed it whole. I was like, how's my DNA? And she was more like, DN gay. And then she went for a high five. It was weird for the prostate exam I'm only 33 and the doctor was like alright time to check the prostate

and then he pulled his pants down and bent over the table like what's going on here oh but he's having I like that there's you had a male doctor a female doctor there's a whole team of doctors alright I'm going to take the top left quadrant

They're just splitting you up So that they didn't waste the entire day We're going to have to call in backup on this Yeah, they just had a flatbed truck They're like, we have to go weigh you Get on the scale We're going to the state line it was kind of funny when they palpitated my stomach they poke your stomach around to see

if it hurts at all yeah and then he did a little drum solo it was ridiculous also i told my mom's stroke i was like yeah you know i've been worried about cardiovascular stuff because my mom had a stroke on election day four years ago and he laughed geez he was like oh that's a rough one yeah one of those that thinks that always thinks what he probably knew you were a comic knew i was a comedian and then yeah you try to be earnest and he's like yeah we all had a little bit of a stroke anyway i couldn't believe it myself you're like no really she almost no away. She's half a woman. No, I think he was laughing because I did my earnest impression. I was like, hey, Vern, check out the third testicle.

Well, yeah, I went to a doctor a few years ago because I was scared that I had diabetes. Right. But it was just gout. Yeah, so that's a win. Thanks, Scott. Thank God. I was like, oh, man. So that's a win. Thanks, God. Thank God. I was like, I'm a weird guy.

I was worried about Diagoutis but instead we had that whole gout or herpes. We had that whole gallbladder awareness situation. Remember?

We were talking about gallbladder awareness. Yeah. Emily, that was like her refrain. She'd be like, gallbladder awareness as I cracked my third 40.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm surprised I've never had gallstones, kidney stones. her refrain she'd be like all blood or awareness you know as i cracked my third 40 yeah yeah i'm surprised i've never had like uh gallstones kidney stones i'm surprised you're alive you're a medical marvel i've told your wife that i thought that i was okay because i drink a lot of water and she was like that barely does anything to help you because she knows how much i've just tried to destroy my body yeah and yeah i really did kind, well, I do drink a lot of water. I'm going to live forever. I guess that's better than doing all those things, drinking and eating horribly, and also not drinking water. I feel like I would have died a decade ago if I didn't drink a bunch of water.

I don't know. It must help. I think it's the easiest thing you can do is just drink a bunch of water. Oh, and fasting. Fasting, I think, has helped me. It's the only time you've ever been fast is when you're not eating. Yeah, it's the only way I can be considered fast. And you did it before me.

Yeah, I invented it. You copied me. What else is new? You had a lot of great results. You lost several ounces. I did, yeah. You couldn't tell. I did, and the mafia's pissed.

The cartel wants their money. Yeah, where's that white? Where's that... Is it boy or girl? Which one's cocaine? It's actually white they. The cartel's woke. They don't gender their narcotics anymore.

They got in trouble. They did, yeah. Listen, boss, we feel like we need to stop gendering look boss is a little heteronormative so what you can call me uh copy tonics that'd be great let's talk about your fucking hair i when did when did the sides get shaved stanhope shaved the sides i don't even understand oh it's only one side dude Oh shit there it is My god I thought I had had a stroke

Because I saw it at first And I was like oh good You're getting your head shaved So that we can go back to looking alike We're finally not going to be mistaken for one another And then you're like yeah me too But no Instead you got me too by stanhope

and he had his way with your scalp he did at least now i realized what was going on because i was like looking at pictures where i would be like okay the sides are shaved and then i'd see another one and i'm like no there's all kinds of hair yeah no yeah no you're really uh i'm asymmetrical and you're asexual. That's how people tell us apart. That's right. Yep. I am a eunuch and you're the eunuch.

I'm the unit. Big dog. Yeah, you look like a blonde Randy Johnson. I look like James Holmes after he's been on the prison diet. You do, which is not a good idea. Don't go to Aurora for the next year or so. I'm going to go to the drive-in Batman show at 20 miles.

I'm going to drive in there in a Dodge Charger and Charlottesville thereafter. Whoa, shit. Was that a Dodge Charger? Yeah. Fuck. Hopefully. Where was your dad?

Yeah. I don't know. you wanted to bleach your hair and i'm glad you did well i really this was this was about three days of peer pressure i finally succumbed to on my last evening there you weren't gonna well when shane gillis there they was there they cut his hair name dropping well and then when i got there doug was like you know we're gonna shave your hair as he was he was all unctuous and slithering across the ground like a slug boy uh and i was like all right uh nice to meet you and and then the last day i was there they brought out the bleach yeah and uh my doug you know my hair was bleached and it was great And then he hit me with the clippers Like a surprise clip Like on Jackass Jackass DP

Because then his manager came over and fucked my mouth You sealed up your holes So yeah I think it's probably because he thought that the bleach The bleach job Well I was going to say that you liked it. I did. And so he wanted you to be unhappy.

He wanted to haze you more. So he had to buzz part of it. I was also very drunk and there was mushrooms involved. Bingo finally surfaced and brought over a bunch of mushrooms. And, uh... Wait, that's where I got the Xanax from. Bingo gave me some Xanax before I left. That all makes sense.

I need something to make sure that I keep awake while I'm, for this drive home. Would you like to have some Xanax? I'm like, fuck. This will help you, baby. Bingo talks like a ghost after her tracheotomy. I guess so. Oh, baby, whatever you need, little lover.

She's like a blues-singing jazz man you meet at the crossroads. She was cool when I opened for Doug in Reno. Super cool. She was very nice. Like, after the show, you know, I had seen Doug or, like, had seen, like, clips, you know, but not, like, a full set. Never live. And so I just kind of knew that he was held in higher regard from by other vegas comics and uh so i'm watching that the set in reno and he's just like blowing my mind you

know it was really good and afterwards i wanted to buy all of his his whole discography you know it was like three cds and he was running by his red or something well i was like i'm i'm in i'm on the doug wagon how much how much for all of these and he was like he's like doing the math like how much should i rip this guy off yeah like charges double but bingo said don't charge him anything just give them to him don't charge this this rail light anything. This is before her trachea. Oh, okay. Before she got curve-stopped. So, she talked normal. She had a seizure. She's been a co-op for four months. Oh, so that's why.

You jerk. Well, I was making fun of your impression. No, you were... I was making fun of you, for sure. You were being mean to a woman. That's right. That's why you're hard right now. You're cutting glass over here.

You're cutting the glass ceiling. You're a liberator. It was very nice of her. I hadn't met her or Doug before that night in Reno. It was a cool move for sure. Stand up's the man. Yeah, you were down there three days on the compound? Five days, man.

Five days. Yeah, five days of quietly watching hockey. Oh, I was going to say, like, fire breathers and people on stilts just walking around. Dude, I thought I was walking into Jim Rose's circus. And no, it was just like quietly reading until about 5 o'clock. And then he would cook spaghetti or we would grill like a turkey. And we'd watch hockey and the NBA and baseball. It was very nice.

It was like going to an Airbnb where the owner gets blackout drunk with you every day. It was very charming. Air booze and benzos yeah so yeah he's more subdued but he still likes to like drink and hang out he's hilarious he likes to chill but i think a lot of people go to his place and they expect him to you know have the whole fucking carnival atmosphere you know and no he's just a guy who is very generous and has all his needs met and real sweetheart. When, like he said,

when we did, uh, when we did podcast it together, we, he talked about how there's still that perception of him like going hard. Right. But he really has, like,

we don't have any crazy stories from opening for him because we've opened for him in the last like seven or eight years. Yeah. And so he just is not still like doing mocaine, you know yeah mushrooms and cocaine ground up together he definitely went buck for quite a while he's been doing it 30 years yeah he did triple gigs for like 22 years you know he's still on the mailing list for triple and comedy and like comedy max entertainment funny business yeah he's still fingers crossed theoders will throw him a bone. Yeah, I gotta get back

into giving my avails to funny business so I can do two gigs once a year. Yeah, you can go open for Jake Sharon and two come carry. I had such a bad,

such a bad time once. I can't remember where I would have been. It was like Kansas, like Salinas, Kansas. Wasn't that that tour you did where you were doing your Kansas, Nebraska act? Like the first half remember where i would have been it was like kansas like selena kansas selena's kansas wasn't that that tour you did where was you were doing your kansas nebraska act and like the first half wasn't racist oklahoma kansas kansas cooks math uh yeah it was like, uh, oh, it was Dodge City, Kansas.

It was in like a, uh, casino, but like, you know, it's like real sad. Yeah. Sad gambling. Yeah. Not the glitz and glamour of Reno. Yeah. But, uh. We're not talking state line with all the flash.

Yeah, I know. Yeah. Suck it, Prim. Yeah. We're talking about. This isn't that Elko big dollar stuff. It was sad. It was fucked, man. Everybody hated me and i had to do a half hour and then the headliner was a sad sack that was like stoked to get off the road finally after like 25 years yeah because he had

written a movie and so i'm like oh he wrote a movie like it sounded like he was probably decent nah it was terrible like i think what movie did he write i think schindler's list is a white guy he consulted on schindler's list punched it up got some jokes in there brought some levity to it yeah what if we had a fart sound right here what if the girl had a instead of a red dress she had a who farted t-shirt oh man uh god i can't think of his name or else i would say it but it was it was so bad like probably james inman james n word but the the perfect uh you know road gig of like you, I'm trying to do like my stuff, which I think is funny.

Yeah. And everybody hates it. And then this guy goes up there and just does every like dumb shit, you know. It mentions cocaine like four times, you know, hoping to score or whatever. Which, ugh, that's such a desperate move. And I used to do that, but not with cocaine. It would be a place to stay. Right, yeah.

I'd be like, so... You guys have a shower? Yeah, whoa, so what's this whole breakfast thing all about? Who's cooking breakfast out there? Most important meal of the day. Yeah. Nothing better after a gig in the middle of nowhere than to have a nice breakfast the next day. You know what's even better?

Having a roof over your head. That'd be crazy. Hey, I love dogs. I love cats. I love Xanax. I'll fuck your wife. Just putting it out there. Remember when we had to put it out there?

Where were we? Chattanooga. And there was that chick with blonde hair that was racist as hell. Blue hair. Blue hair. And we were trying to get... Bingo Bingo. We were trying to get Bobby to bang her.

Yeah, we thought that was the only way that she would let us stay with her, as if one of us was going to give it to her. That was in, like, Mobile, Alabama, I think. Mobile sounds right. We did that awful Ryan Jetton gig. I don't remember who it was. I do. It was Ryan Jetton.

Fuck him. Dave Stone almost beat him up twice. Nice. Yeah, because Ryan Jetton's the king of the king of like oh i don't have your money so one time the second time it happened to dave stone he just sat on the hood of ryan jett's car with a baseball bat it was like either you're getting my money or no one's leaving alive nice yeah but yeah i remember the gig being terrible but there weren't a lot of people there no maybe it was hattiesburg. Anyway, it was her birthday, remember? And she was like a single mom, and she had blue hair. She was cute.

Very cute. Very lovely. And then we got back to her gated condo, and she started talking about the different shapes of different races' skulls. She started ranking the different peoples of the world. Yeah, she was quoting crime statistics whites on top next

and then Arabs and then Italians so they're on the way up yeah she said some she said a couple things that sucked and it was like oh good I'm glad we're staying with this person and the whole time we were like Bobby get her

we still thought it made sense I mean she did offer up her home It was like, oh, good, I'm glad we're staying with this person. Yep. And the whole time we were like, Bobby, get her in. Yeah, we still thought it made sense. I mean, she did offer up her home. And her bed. And, yeah, Bobby could have had a bed, but instead he wanted to... It was her birthday. We kept being like, dude, it's her birthday. We're great touring comedians, and Matt Wayman's here.

You should go in there and, you know, give her a little slice of cake. Yeah. Go blow out her candle, Bobby. Yeah, I guess it made sense to not reward her beliefs with sex. Birthday or not. It's her birthday, man. You can just say whatever you want on your birthday. That's why girls love their birthday so much.

They make it a whole month so they can use hate speech for the entire month of their birthday. Air their grievances. with other cultures yeah that was that was fun for us because she didn't want to she didn't want to hook up with us we were all and we were all with people yeah bobby was the only single we were monogamous bobby was monotonous so we're like go change it up do the butt give her the fish hook. Do the one where you put both fingers on each side of her mouth and pull it open. The clockwork orange. Yeah, but with her mouth. I don't like it when you're supposed to put your fingers in someone's mouth during sex.

When you're supposed to. Well, you know. What's that? When you paid for dinner? Well, I don't supposed to. Well, you know. What's that? When you paid for dinner? Well, I don't want to. Tradition dictates that I've got to put my fingers in your mouth. I did go to Cotillion. This is what we learned.

You got a book on your head and you got to fish hook somebody without it falling off. Yeah. With one hand, I had my whole hand in their mouth. The other one, I'm using the right fork for the salad. Yeah. To toss the salad. A lot of multitasking going on in the cotillion. No multi-asking though. No consent. Okay.

Here's another thing. Whenever I think of the Amish, and I remember we talked about the Amish at the beginning of this. Let's get back to the Amish. All I can think about is how big their bushes are. How many pubes do these people have? Are they not allowed to do anything about it?

Scissors don't have electricity. I don't think you're allowed to tend the Garden of Eden. I think you've got to let the snake roam through the bushes. You've got to be as God made you. But it's growing. And they stink. You ever hung out with Amish? No. Well, I guess I haven't either.

But you've heard tell. I have, I guess I haven't either, but I have been. But you've heard tell. I have, yeah. I've read some fan fiction. From your Southern Gothic friends. Yeah, Harry Cruise wrote a novel about it. It was called Bethesda's Giant Bush. So, yeah, but have you ever been to an Amish buffet?

No. Okay, so there's an Amish buffet in South Bend, Indiana. And whenever I'd work the drop, the big fat pigs who ran that place would be like, Hey, let's go to the Amish buffet. We love it over here. This is our highlight of our week, taking the headliner there. Some clubs take the headliner to do go-karts or the strip club. Their idea was to go eat saltless food. Is salt a sin?

I think salt's a crime against God. Seasoning? Yeah. It's too exciting. It raises the Purian interests of people, you know? So yeah, you just go... Yeah, what else is out there? You go eat mashed potatoes with butter on them, and that's like the highlight.

And so it wasn't good. No, it's like, okay, think about if you were going to eat dinner at your grandma's house grandpa just died she had to move into some kind of assisted living situation

alright she's watching Wheel of Fortune on an 8 inch TV and now it's time for dinner what's grandma make she opens up

a can of green beans opens up a can of carrots puts it in the microwave puts it in the microwave uh huh or starts a small fire, or if she's completely crazy, she sits on it

like an egg wedding to hatch. It's how the Amish have to heat stuff up. They have to sit on it. That's why they're always on those buggies. It's like, I'm going to go heat up dinner. All the layers. I've got to put my burlap on over this cloth. They're also wearing the worst textiles there.

They wear, like, burlap, you know, unwashed denim. If it's someone's wedding, they'll put on gingham. Yeah, for sure. The Amish are wild, dude. They're food sauce. Very shortcake. Yeah. I'm a big fan of sorghum, though.

I'll give them that. Sorghum is exciting stuff. Is that from a tree? Sorghum comes from a tree? No, it's from a cane. Out of sorghum, though. I'll give them that. Sorghum is exciting stuff. Is that from a tree? Sorghum comes from a tree? No, it's from a cane. Out of sorghum? It's from sorghum cane. Okay.

And it's unrefined sugar. It tastes like molasses, but it's runnier. Sorghum cane killed Abel. I OD'd on sorghum cane. I remember that from the Bible. You know what the Bible's nice for is feeling terrified of going to hell for masturbating. That was real nice. Thanks, the Bible. Yeah, thanks, the big B. I'm trying to figure out, you know, becoming a different person, you know, graduating into adulthood, what seems natural, you know,

hormones raging through you, getting a boner in third period English class every day. Which is a gift from God. Supposedly. But then I'm supposed to explore my body. No, I have to be living in shame. Just being like, oh, I hope I don't die in the next ten minutes. Because I just whacked it. Well, you're supposed to, if it hits the ground,

that's the sin, right? So you're supposed to collect it in a jar. That's an old joke of mine. Is it? Yeah. Yeah, I used to lean heavy because you know when you're a newer comic you go you start with the bible yeah and you think that you're the first person to make fun of it you're gonna really skewer yeah yeah i'm the only one with the with the cojones enough to take on the bible i'm gonna take on this institution but yeah i tell the truth up there man that's what i yeah truth of power

a higher power but yeah i uh said that yeah that it was a sin to spill your seed on the ground but i read the rest of the bible nowhere does it say it's a sin to spill your seed on your elbow big toe or neighbor nice so yeah keep on whacking oh i remember that was your first closer yeah keep on whacking keep on whacking. Oh, I remember. That was your first album. Keep on Whacking, America. Keep on Whacking across the state. I went by Nate L. Nasty L.

Nate Leviticus. But yeah, am I wrong about the bushes on these Amish? Oh, they gotta be out of control. And it's gotta be like fucking Brillo Pad, too. I bet they have the coarsest strongest, cause they're all natural diet a lot of sunshine, hard work, and water they gotta have fucking

strong strong bushes. Impenetrable. Yeah. Like, yeah, like the dick gets turned away Yeah, the dick grows like a pig's tail cause it's gotta work it's way out. It's all corkscrewed. Yeah it's got to be a nightmare down there i've always wanted to know what an amish bush looks like let's i bet they're gray i bet their bushes go gray as soon as they grow

young yeah because they never see daylight they're never nude by lightning yeah they're like powder oh god punish me yeah for thinking about my sheep, nude. Yeah, it's gotta be weird to run up against... To just be in your own world, but then you still have to take the buggy into town or whatever. So you see... That's what they call sex. I gotta take the buggy into town.

Time to take the buggy into town. Yeah, they're not completely separated from the rest of us. So they still, like I said, they're on our roads or whatever. And then they have to just be like, god damn. Another life. Yeah, and I'll bet that's the first thing they do on Rum Springa is getting a fucking Dodge Charger and fucking tear ass. Plow through some Antifa. Yeah! Godifa. Yeah!

God damn. Yeah, they turn up Bachman Turner Overdrive. Whoa! You ain't seen nothing yet, God. Get a tattoo on their ass. Of, like, a battery. It's like a video game. Cotton gin.

Like medicine? It's a thresher. I don't... They can't have a thresher? No. They can, huh? I don't think so. They're just...

They have a guy with... That's why their hands are so big, because they've got to form the blocks of hay into cubes. Well, I don't care if people have these beliefs, you know, that they think they're being pious or whatever and that their reward will come later in heaven. But when they try to enforce or put it onto other people, it sucks. that God created the ability for man to develop new technologies

and manipulating different things in the earth to create an easier way of life. Like Christian scientists don't believe in advancements in medicine. They hate Dr. Mario. That's why we're all hooked on pills

and Dr. Mario. We're like, those look tasty. Yeah, cool. I'm addicted to this game. I's why we're all hooked on pills. Dr. Mario, we're like, those look tasty. Yeah, oh, cool. I'm addicted to this game. Well. I wonder what else I could get addicted to. Ipso facto. Premanacta. Habeas corpus.

Carbidio. But yeah, why not take it all in? Pluribus human, brother. When did the devil corner the market on pharmaceuticals or salves and ointments? I don't get it. Well, I think that that's the thing. God created us perfectly,

so to impose on his will and spray paint this old rusty tough shed of a body that he gave us with tattoos and needle drugs is an affront to his plan. That's how I've lived. Putting it all in? No, I've honored this temple.

God made me a big, fat piece of shit whose foot hurts all the time. At least the pain shifts from foot to foot. Oh, yeah. Spread it out between the two. That's how I learned how to zap dance. I'm like, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. Not bad. By the way, we do have a producer for this.

People have been wanting to know who the producer is. They're hitting me up online asking where they can buy merch and how we can get rid of Lund. But also, they want to know who the producer is. And our producer is none other than... Jake Becker? Jake Becker, yeah. We've talked to him on several episodes. But people don't know who Becker is.

They're like, who's this quiet guy in the back? We can hear him breathing. He's the producer, which means we'll never know anything about him. Yeah, he's a mystery. This is about us. This is about me and you, two best friends. Two best friends and the guy who has a Podbean account. We don't know

how to hit record and then stop yeah on the zoom yeah we don't want to have to do any work whatsoever that's the thing is i don't think we need a producer but i'm glad we have one one of the worst things about podcasts is definitely having to listen like editing and listening to it again and just being like oh my god yeah i don't miss that i was doing my own own one-man deal for one-on-one, and it's a nightmare. So thank you, Jake, for listening to our stupidity twice. No problem. It's great.

He listens once, and he's like, oh, good. I get to hear this again after the fact. Well, I like that he's adding sound effects. That's what I like. Just the one time you asked. People have been begging for more sound effects. So we gotta do that. Alright.

Can we get a train horn right here? Can we get a nine horn right here? Can we run a train on each other right here? Now running trains. No one's doing it anymore. Why? I don't know. I don't think that's true.

You don't? No, I think trains are still being run. Nobody's running them on time, that's for sure. We got a bunch of liberal Larrys. Is that what Mudflap calls it? Liberal Larry? Is that it? I don't know. His character? I don't know Flap's canon. Let's get over to

Flap's corner and see what he's doing. Hey, y'all. He says it. So y'all fighting this Chinese disease? God, just still swallowing Trump's loads every day. Oh, yeah, draining the swamp, draining the main vein. He's pissing on a Civil War general. Mudflap's just sucking it up.

Pull the flaps back, Mom. I'm trying to get wiggly. That's a David Vorey joke. Nice. Everyone thinks David's really funny. That's one of his jokes. David is very funny. Pull the flap backs, Mom.

I'm trying to get wiggly. Voice of a generation, David Vorey. Yeah, definitely you should make fun of somebody's stupid jokes and how much people like them because you are bulletproof. I'm a poet. Yeah. You have some of the dumbest shit I've ever heard.

No, man, I love David. David's coming out for Emily's birthday, I think. When is that? That's really none of your business. No, but it's next weekend. Oh, nice. Yeah. And also Alex Creasy hit me up.

He's like, I'm going to make Emily birthday ice cream. Oh, yeah. He made me ice cream, too. Yeah, I'm sure his is going to be filled with roofies. Oh, Creasy. Puts a ransom note in there. How'd that get in there? What? I'm mentally ill.

Love you, Kreese Dog. I always tell Kreese that, because he is very self-conscious, and he would always just be like, I don't even know if I should be hanging out here. And I was like, I always tell him, Kreese, I'd rather talk to you than most other people, because he's real right he's not up his own ass trying to present you know like present the best version of himself he's if he's having a bad day he'll tell you and i appreciate that because we have to talk to so many people who are all about like the facade yeah the forward

facing public image or whatever. These comics that want to appear completely perfect. And it's like, everybody knows that that's not real. And now you're just making everybody more curious what's really going on. The people who are always saying exactly the right thing

and always in a good mood. At exactly the right time. The life of the party. What? I was trying to do that song lyric. I don't know what song. What is it? I was in the right place.

Everything you want, and it's everything you need. Everything of unedited you could want to be. Is that tonic? Saying all the right things at exactly the right time. You mean nothing to me and you don't know why. I don't know why. Was that Eve Six? I don't know.

Anyway, that was bad. Anyway, that was... That was Sam's derailment corner. Can we get a train craft? Nine days. Sound effect. It was Seven Mary Three. Oh, get a train craft? Nine days. Sound effect. He was seven, marry three. Oh, you wish.

Speaking of running trains. So, remember the band train? Sure. Yeah. They were pretty cool. You probably loved them because you're a literal piece of shit. You've got the musical taste of Helen Keller. So, here's...

What did she like? Something with a lot of bass so she could feel it. I think she liked vacuum cleaner so she could lay on the ground and feel the vibrations. I was going to say, she'd turn the speaker on its side and straddle it. Yep. Ride it into town. Get electrocuted. Yeah, as soon as electricity's up and Helen Keller's just jerking off all the time.

She can hear again? Again. Back to the main question at hand. Yeah, what were we talking about before you started singing? Oh, it was Vertical Horizon. Yeah, baby! Dude! Thank God that my brain holds on to just shitty... yeah baby dude thank god

my brain holds on to just shitty post 2000s I knew you were gonna know it I watched a lot of VH1 growing up I had a very sensible childhood and you don't know why

yeah what a fucking dumb thing to have in my head instead of, you know, memories, fond memories. State capitals. I don't remember most of my sexual partners' faces. Social mores. I remember vertical horizon kicking my ass. Oh, fuck. But no, you are

saying a lot of people trying to put out this public facing face, and it is cool to hang out with complete mentards because I like them way more than anybody that is so full of shit me too that you yeah you just you you figure they have to be a monster if they're constantly like on top of everything like every la comic you hate la comic they came from somewhere else yeah i know from the ooze they were normal they came from the primordial sludge to go to la and virtue signal um no there's there's a lot of good la comics and you're

you're making fun of a specific type of comic that ends up in la because they're all about not having punchlines getting to the well yes but like riding trends of like what's you know what's in and what was in for the last decade was a lot of strong statements. My opener is a difference. My opener on stage is a funny joke. It makes people laugh. Their opener is their pronouns. So that's where I draw the line.

You know what I mean? Hi, my name is Chrysalis. I'm they, them. Keeping it real. Yeah, keeping it real. Racist. No. But it is fun to hang out with people who are a little deranged, a little off kilter.

And that used to get rewarded, I think, because if you had this crazy, wild point of view, audiences liked that. And then it changed to like, oh, what's marketable? You know, like, what what's gonna get hits on your YouTube page and that all and the louder that you trumpet the fact that you are a good person you are woke

you do respect all genders, races, creeds sexual genders well I'm just saying I'm with it, I like everyone I'm cool but I don't have to fucking say it because I don't have skeletons in my closet from Wichita before I left town to go to LA and produce a shitty podcast. Yeah. Well, yeah, there's a lot of...

No offense, Becker. This is a good podcast. There's a lot of... There is a lot of just, like, following the leader now and swallow your pride and drought unwritten love you know we fucked up uh we were saying i'm feeling it but it's feeling this so i got a lot of hate mail from blink 182 heads. Yeah. I got a mail bomb. It sucked. I got a mail long from Tom D

and he was pissed. It was a Tom DeLong mail long. It was a, you know, the USPS boxes that you'd put skis in. Yeah.

It was one of those. He's a longboard. Feel this. And it was a live snake. And yeah, when you are hanging out with people who are kooky sure you're gonna receive a 3 a.m phone call of them wanting to shoot their wife and kids that's gonna happen every now and

then but you're also gonna get some great memes you know you're probably gonna get some cool recipes just please be with those people who need it that's's what we're saying. This is a mental health podcast. This takes the place of therapy. Yes. When your insurance runs out. Yeah. When you can't pay $450 a month anymore. Yeah, when you lose your job at Bennigan's because you expose yourself to a cook.

This is where you turn so the monsters don't eat your brain. Bennigan's. I remember going to a Bennigans for... Prom? No. It was a birthday party. Like a 9, 10-year-old's birthday party. What a sad 9, 10-year-old. I think there was bowling as well.

At the Bennigans? No. We were going from location to location. We were getting fucked up on Kool-Aid. This was the nightcap. Let's go to the Bennigans and get a couple of Shirley Tees. We got kicked out. Yeah.

Singing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme to that. And you guys had to go. Never mind. Yep. But yeah. Keep it to yourself. I am. I have an editor inside of me.

Save it for Chubby Behemoth after talk. When we say it. We don't say it. So, there was a Bennekins in my hometown, apparently, of Elizabeth, Colorado, that replaced the barbecue place. And it's like the Berenstain Bears situation, where everyone that I've talked to from Elizabeth remembers this Bennigan's. And yet I have zero memory of there ever being a Bennigan's that replaced Smokey Jack's. And my mom and dad are like, you went to Bennigan's on your 10th birthday? What?

Your friend Nathan was there before we moved to Las Vegas. Oh, shit. Yeah, there's all kinds of different realms of existence that are colliding. We're retconning. Out in Elizabeth. It's Lovecraft country out there. You probably don't remember Vanagans because I'm assuming that you would go in there and just act like it was still the barbecue place and order, like, you know, two racks of ribs.

Right, yeah. And everybody was too scared to tell you that they didn't have ribs anymore. So they just have to go kill a cow real quick before you got angry. You were so big. Was there anybody I mean I know Borey was like a big dude but you were huge in high school.

You were like staying big because you were a lineman. Playing football. I was a you were a lineman right playing football wichita lineman i was not working for the county putting up power blind pulls no yeah i was huge but there was also you got to remember an entire rodeo contingency because the elbert county stampede elizabeth stampede is the pre that's how we make all of our money i think deer creek colorado is the birthplace of rodeo that That's what they claim, which is in Elbert County. And so, I mean, I was like a big dude, but there was like straight up like 15 year old boys who rode bulls for bail money and were

addicted to Oxycontin before they could drive a car. Like there was very tough young men and they were hungry and they were hungry and they didn't give a shit. And they all rode together wearing steel toed cowboy boots. So like you hungry, and they didn't give a shit, and they all rode together wearing steel-toed cowboy boots. So there wasn't a time or a place to be a tough guy in Elizabeth when Jake Blackshear and Andy Quinn were stealing riding lawnmowers from geesons. Who did we talk to? There was a place called Big R in Elizabeth. That's where people went to say it.

Oh, big R. Yeah. Now, who did we talk to in Oklahoma that time? Clay Rader. And then a buddy of his. Clay Rader, son of Jonna Rader and Cecil Rader, brother of Dusty, his little sister, Moose. Her name was Moose. Yeah.

Yeah. She was tough. Tough as hell.. Her name was Moose. Yeah. Yeah. She was tough. Tough as hell. Still has the arm wrestling record. Yeah. Twelve wins in a row, same night. Still has the hard-boiled egg-eating championship from the Stampede. The Stampede was wild.

We'd go there at twelve years old, and they'd be throwing cans of skull at children. Yeah. Just logs of wolf, cans of skull. You could go there. That's where you went to, get wasted before 8th grade graduation. It was awesome. It was a lawless place. Total autonomous zone.

I really liked talking to those guys because we had similar, completely different paths. Right. But a lot of similarities. Capabilities with our brains. Yeah. Well, yeah. Different IQs. Yeah, they had been kicked in the head by several different giant animals.

Yeah, they'd been mutton busting before they were nut busting. No, they were cool because we just kind of kept saying the same things. Where it was like, you had the real dedicated comics slash bull riders. Then you had the wannabes you know that fake the funk yeah and uh you know and then they had circuits you know where they would they would try to you know get into different competitions hyper competitive but also fraternal right yeah yeah uh looking to entertain folks yeah in two very different don't want a fucking boss driving 18 hours to work for you know maybe eight seconds yeah a lot of partying hours to work for, you know, maybe eight seconds.

Yeah. Yeah. A lot of partying after the fact. You know, you, like you said, competitive, but then at the end of the night, you're all kind of on the same page, you know, similar. Yeah. You're all pitching to try and get some Percocets, you know, behind a pizza hut in rural Kansas. Yeah.

Cowboys rule, dude. And I mean, that's the thing is that I grew up with cowboys. I grew up with jocks. I grew up with jocks. I grew up with freaks and punk rockers and theater kids. Elizabeth was so small that you couldn't be enemies with anyone because you've known them since kindergarten. Yeah. So it's like, yeah, of course, this guy has like a nose ring, but you guys were on the same t-ball team. Like people were allowed to evolve, but you still had these common memories that everything was built upon.

to evolve, but you still had these common memories that everything was built upon. Well, yeah, and it's too bad that there isn't more of that, regardless of the size of the school or the city that you grow up in, because we all have more in common than we don't. Yeah, we all want the best for our friends and family. I cannot wait to vote for Joe Biden. I've never been more excited and inspired by a candidate in all of my lifetime. I remember the first time I could vote and I went in there and I pulled that handle for Ford and I said

this is gonna do it. You know? Welcome to my America. I'm tired of these gas lines. The first time I voted was 2000 and I was in college and I was like looking at Bush versus Gore and didn't know. Also, has there ever been a cooler ticket than Bush versus Gore?

Yeah, pretty fun. That sounds like a fucking concert you'd see in Brazil. in Brazil. Yeah, I, there was like some comparison that was in our dorm lobby,

you know, like a poster with a bunch of like different facts about the two of them and I read them and I was like, yeah,

I guess I'm going with Gore. And then it was just the worst to see Bush win. I thought you were, you thought you were voting for Guar.

You're like, fuck yeah. I was voting for Frank Gore. Niner's running back. He's still in the league. It's tough to now, because of that election, it's tough to find the kind of porno I like. It's like on the 10th page of Google now.

If you search Bush Gore, you never get what you want. You know? Why can't I find a vagina that looks like it got hit by a rhino? Damn politics. Also, I had a lot of people hit me up about how they feel bad that we're not horny. Nice. And I was like, it's not that we're not horny.

We just don't like when people are publicly horny. I want to clear that up. We don't have low T. I have very low tea. I got no tea. I'm Sam Tea. My shit's just decorative. You're just trying to catch

fish. Just for show. No, yeah, it's not. Yeah, I think it's just, we were specific. It's fine to, like, enjoy sex. It's fun. It feels good. All of that.

Sometimes. But when it's your whole. You're doing it wrong. Well, for us, it's not like we're knocking it out of the park, like. I figured it out. With our killer abs and strong backs. Yeah. Yeah.

No. My neck hurts. You're going to cramp. Ow. I got to get off the bottom. The bottom's the easiest part. We were saying that it's more of like a youthful kind of a thing. When it's new, it's a pursuit, and it's exciting.

And then, like, move on. Move on.org. Get into art, you know, like, I don't know. Read a book. Go beyond. That's a very, like, primitive kind of desire. Keep your horniness, put your horniness under your hat, mister. That's what I'm trying to say.

Right. Yeah. But yeah, it's not that sex is dumb or like a waste, it's just when, it's like most things, if you make it your whole life, then you're probably not very fun to hang out with. Yeah, exactly. Because you're always just beating off. Yeah. You're catching every other word that I'm saying.

Come on, pay attention. You ever known a guy who looks at porn on his phone while he's talking to you? No. Oh, God. That's a bad guy. Whoops. Sorry, I just threw up. Yeah, no, it's just weird to me when people are older and they're still just like chasing,

or like having any sort of like conquest be this like big competitive thing. Or anti-colonialism. Yeah, stop planting your flag. Just, you know, maybe be nice to people just because. I've had people, and this is the weird thing, is male friendships where guys send you their favorite porno clips. Oh yeah, no thanks. Oh my god, that's a new development in my 30s. Our friends being like,

doesn't this look like this girl we knew? And then it is, and we're like, oh cool! And then we zoom each other and jerk. I have always wanted to stumble upon a familiar face. Daniel Simpson. That would be cool. Daniel Simpson did porno

after she graduated and she was best friends with my good buddy Chad Muncy's older sister and that thing was passed around like the fucking you know the Dead Sea Scrolls. It was like you had to wear gloves to look at that thing. It was awesome. Salty. Yeah.

Yeah. There was a girl that I went to high school with that supposedly did some, but not, like, I don't think that there were, like, titles to be found. I think it might have been, like, a local, I don't even know. So I never, that didn't count because there wasn't, like, a bunch of things online that you could look up or whatever. Let's say our favorite porn star on three that's how we'll close off on three ready all time or all time no number one deathbed jerk this is after your last meal all right and you know that uh the grim reaper's putting he's tying up his laces to come get you. All right. You just ate your last meal microwaved in the microwave. Okay.

On three. One, two, three. Gianna Michaels. Whoa! Dude! No way! Are you kidding me? No, I'm not.

Yes! Come on! Come on, baby! That's hilarious. That's awesome! We've never done that before. We're the least hornyest men in the room. Yeah, I've jerked off ten times in the last four years.

Yeah, and he's mailed it to me in an envelope every time. Collected the seeds so I could have it for my altar. Whoa! Awesome! That's how you know. Chubby behemoth, we're the king of hell. Ride or die. Go shave an Amish bush.

Send us some jizz. Oh, man, that's nuts. Oh, boy.