Chubby Behemoth - Where’s Tyler?

Episode Date: March 27, 2022

We All Cheer. 4 Sea Captains. Helicopter On My Back. Jacob Rupp and Noah Reynolds.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

And, all right, I guess I'll start the show. Can you talk at the microphone, though? Yeah. Don't touch it, ever. It's my microphone. It's my microphone. Okay, you can't cry, though. Jacob.

I'm just leaning towards you, Sam. You're gaming the system. I'm gaming the system. I'm straight on the game. You should be straight on the game. I'm the game. Jacob, tell us when you started recording. He's recording.

We're recording. That's what that means. I'm recording now. Okay. Welcome to the show, everybody. He's recording. We're recording. That's what that means. I'm recording now. Okay. Welcome to the show, everybody. This is Chubby Behemoth. Wow, you got four words in and then you started to blow it. Yeah, then you did your fucking little...

I have tics. Shut that up. I'm stimming. I'm stimming. He started doing that. Yeah, he started pill rollingrolling, like, Parkinson's. -"Cut this." -"We don't cut shit." -"Cut it." -"Your only thing that's cut

is your dick." You little circumcised freak. Yeah. -"Welcome to Chubbemouth." -"Jew alert!" -"Jew in the air shot." -"We usually don't say, welcome to Chubbemouth at all, and you have said it four times."

This is not chicken and the Nuggets. You guys do like eight intros. You're always like, hi, I'm Noah. Hi, Jacob. And then Jacob's like, hey, Noah, it's Jacob. Yeah, we both try to steer the ship. The first 10 minutes is just, hi, everybody. Welcome to the pod.

It's Chicken and the Nuggets. I'm Jacob. This is Noah. Hi, this is Noah. That's Jacob. You guys are insane. And I listen to every episode. You're getting notes.

You guys are like, hi, I'm Noah. And then Ruff's like, hello, I'm Ruff. And then you're like, here's our permanent guest, Andy Main. Yeah, he's a hot Marlos. The vegan. The hot basketball man. He knows all. Vegan lion, then. Welcome basketball fan. He knows all. Vegan liars.

Welcome to Chubby Behemoth. I am one of the guests, Noah Reynolds. Today I'm joined by Jacob Rubb. Hi, welcome to Chubby Behemoth, everybody. Thank you so much for having us. I got here and the first thing you did was say that Lon stinks. He says you reek and it's pissing him off. Nathan.

He's a total psycho. You used to have your own place, but you're acting like this is your first time with your name on a lease, and you think that talking too loud during the day on a Saturday might get you in trouble. That's not how it works. Thank you so much for the question. Nathan has been stinking for the past two days. Nathan's been staying with me.

And Sam did bring it up. He stays with a child when he comes to the city now. Why don't you stay at camp? Why don't you stay with men your own age? I've stayed with Michelle. It's, you know, I don't want to wear my welcome anywhere. So I spread the love. And you don't care how Noah feels.

Noah's parents' house was so big. It was sick, dude. There was parking. We don't have to. It's Central Denver. Yeah. 7th and Lafayette. It's right there. Right by the park.

So, yeah, the park is there. The botanical gardens are there. The butlers are real nice. The butlers. They're so cool. Never said that I stunk. He always said, oh, that must have been another, a previous guest, Mr. Lund. And that was nice.

It was me, but. Mr. Lundy, your ribald odor is quite charming. Yeah, he is. It reminds me of Da Nang when the bodies would burn. I like it. I was a spice merchant originally. Yeah. But when Mr. Reynolds won me in that snooker game,

now I'm indentured to them forever. My dad would never serve. You're doing an Indian man with a British accent? You don't know what you're doing. Fully colonialized Indian guy? Yeah. Yes, it's I. Indian.

Songuav. Would you like more papaya? Ooh, young Master Reynolds. We call him young master, because his middle name is Beta. Young Master Beta Reynolds, welcome. Welcome home. I've laid out your ointments in your rag.

It's unencrusted as per your request. But not for long. Yes, get in there. Yes. It shall be fully crusted by morn. Yes, go in case it's in your seat. Noah and Patrick and I were hanging out Thursday night. Whoa! The WOD squad. We ate some food and then came home,

and we were talking about how we wish we had some food. You ate all the food. Shut up. Shut up. You're better than me. Keto hasn't done anything for you. I'm off the wagon. You still look like shit. Oh, man. Patrick shows up with donuts. We all cheer. It was incredible.

And Noah immediately is on hands and knees with a paper towel, cleaning up, like, the five crumbs of donut that have fallen from our mouths. Well, also, he was on hands and knees, because usually at his house, they eat off human tables. He was trying to be a good guest. He was the table. Yeah. Weird muscle memory.

Yeah, he's freaking out. He doesn't think that he's going to get his deposit back because there was donut crumbs on the ground for 40 seconds. Brother, you're going to have so many holes punched in the wall this place. Yeah, the Nuggets aren't going to win the title.

Not that you guys care. Stop touching the microphone. Stop touching it. Not that you guys care. Stop touching the microphone. Stop touching it. Not that you guys care. Okay, moving on. You're right. What do you got? No, you're right.

No, you're right. Nathan, or rather Sam. I've taken two showers here. I haven't jerked off at all. I wanted to, but I didn't. I didn't say you couldn't jerk off. I didn't say you couldn't. After both showers. You said if you jerked off,

he wanted to see your moves. He didn't want me to fart on the futon or the blanket. Oh, yeah, right. He's like, yeah, no. I was like, I can't do that. Yeah. He's rolled his eyes every time I farted. Every single time.

Uh-huh. But, yeah, I have... There are rules. After both showers, I cleaned all of my hair out of the tub. Yeah. So I've been a pretty damn good guest. I've eaten everything over either the sink or the garbage.

Or the toilet. I haven't even... I haven't even dirtied a plate. And yet he's still... This place is immaculate. He's still furious with me. Well, you'll notice this place is immaculate. So I think I...

It is. Yeah. It looks like... I just moved in. It's really like is a mess. It is. It looks like it's really incellular. No, it's not. A bunch of frame paintings that someone in your family did.

Probably Toad's mom. That's Griffin. Somehow. I guessed Joe Pesci. That's Toad? Oh, no. Don't call's Toad? Oh, no. Don't call him Toad in front of no one. Okay. No one turn around.

Real name is right there. Framed poster. Yeah, he looks like a 50s mob guy. Yeah. He does. He looks shrunken. Or not 50s, but yeah. He looks like a guy in the mob in his 50s.

Cut this. He's like, forget about it. But don't forget about me. It's in memorial of me. I'll show Becker. Yeah, that's what I was going to ask. Can you move the camera? Yeah, I'll show Becker.

I'll show Becker. We need that. Here. We'll use it. Oh, wow. He really does look like a mob guy. This is a 25-year-old kid, allegedly. Yeah. 22. Here. We'll use it. Oh, wow. He really does look like a 25-year-old kid, allegedly. Yeah.

22. Forever. That dude was a hard 22. I thought he was 25. It's just an illustration. And luckily Rupp's here to smooth you out. Yeah. Right. Why? Because why would I be on edge? Yeah. I don't know. Lund doesn't reek. Rupp's

about to join the art crew, the Married Guy crew. Yeah. Next week, I'm getting a load. I don't know. Lund doesn't reek. Russell Patsy joined the art crew, the married guy crew. Next week, I'm getting eloped. You're getting eloped? I'm getting eloped all over myself. He's going out to Vegas to marry a nice señorita. Yes, yes.

She's about to be a señora. Yeah, she's going to change to señora. I've been doing duolingo. I'm trying to cram it in before the wedding. I've also been doing Duolingo, and I like that little duo character. That little green blob. He's often cansada.

Cansada. Well, yo no sé. He's an owl. Yo no sé, El Gender. El Buho, yeah, yeah. I'm not that far yet. Yeah, Better Day Buho. But yeah, he's always cansada or triste. He's always crying.

It's like duo as triste. Why is he so's always Consado or Triste. He's always crying. Yeah. And it's like, duo as Triste. Why is he so sad? He takes it very personally. That's funny. Yeah, because you're not doing it enough. I do it every day. I have a 21-day streak. Nice.

Yeah. And I'm not talking about Noah's undies. I tried to do it before we went to France, and it wasn't enough. I wasn't ready. Yeah, you kept bowing. Yeah. I kept saying, arigato. and I just pissed them off even more because they could tell I was maybe Vietnamese,

but definitely not Japanese. Well, they thought you were a sumo. Yeah, a young boy. They thought you came for all the eggs in France. Oh, boiled the egg. Started a border to Japanese. You did it. Noah's tapped out completely Wow

Noah's worried about how loud we're being for the neighbors Yeah He doesn't want the vice lords to hear us having fun in here He's worried about wearing purple It's Saturday afternoon Noah's over here on street Yeah He's gonna get a knock on the door from the landlord.

Noah, in your lease, it says you are allowed to talk with three friends every other Saturday. And unfortunately, this is not your Saturday to be able to talk above a whisper. So we're gonna have to strike one, and then she immediately catches a whiff of my toilet remnants. Noah, we said no pets on the lease. Clearly it smells like you have a bunch of animals in here.

That's right, too. You got an owl in there with a bunch of pellets. And also I heard that you're harboring a man who's about to engage in interracial marriage. We can't have that. Yeah. So yeah, that's three. You're out. You should have read your lease. The last yeah, that's three. You're out. You should have read your lease.

Last time, his name was never on a lease, but it was on a leash. And the Broncos would take him around the town and tell him that it's a freak. Your name was Freak. Good day, you master freak. Time to put on the leash. Leash doesn't...

Excuse me. We were going to get tacos and talk about the Broncos. Tacos and Broncos. That would have rocked. But we bailed. Yeah. Didn't come together. Yeah, you guys didn't do that?

No, but we talked about it, and we're talking about it now, so you can't say that it wasn't a great one. You can imagine how fun it would have been if we did it. There should have been burritos in the Bronx. People love when I munch on the pot. I've been doing a thing where I eat sunflower seeds

and people can't get enough of it. It's like ASMR. Yeah. Those TikToks are real hot right now. All sexy mouth raping. Yes. Yeah. Noah opened up his laptop and it was just tabs and tabs of pornography.

How many laptops do you need? You have this laptop here. you have a desktop computer, and then you have a little flippable over there. Work computer, tablet, laptops. Did you forget to eat your tablets this morning? Is that why you're so upset? You don't have all those sweet benzos crawling through your blood? No benzos.

I did forget to take medicine this morning. I cranked a benzo before the flight. That's good. What time did you? I wanted to just ask, how was your trip? My trip has been a whirlwind affair. Yeah. I'm sure about you bombing. You have? Yeah.

Oh, my God. Dude. Yes. No. On rock-hard. Oh, whoa. That's cool. You can't tell, but... It's in there, and it is full of blood.

Internal. Whose blood? We're not sure. If you have an internal boner, You can't tell, but it's in there, and it is full of blood. It's internal. Whose blood? We're not sure. Do you have an internal boner? You're like Angus. Remember the movie Angus? I know.

I don't know if I ever watched it. Oh, my God. It was a seminal movie for a little wad boy. I meant to watch it. I never did. Oh, you would have loved it, dude. You probably liked Angus. That Green Day song.

Of course. Does he have an internal boner? So he says that when he meets a girl, he gets, like, butterflies in his stomach, is what he says. And his friend's like, "'You got a boner in your belly?' That was a fun move. -"That is funny." -"Yeah, that stuck with you for 25 years."

Oh, that movie was huge. He was a fat kid who, like, you know, went on a date with a girl with a choker, and I'm like, this is me. I want to go on a date with a girl with a choker, and I'm like, this is me. I want to go on a date with a girl who could put a leash on her. Lund was saying that you bombed? Yeah, I bombed. What was that about?

You hate that. Yeah, I really do. I hate it so much. It's your least favorite thing. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it goes me bombing, genocide, your act. No. You love me. I'm good. Love when he doesn't reek.

When I crush. Yeah, when you do well. I'm curious. No, I was in Meridian Hall in Toronto with Tim. 3,100 people. Smashed. Comedy on State in Madison. Crushed five shows in a row. They invited me back for New Year's Eve.

Comedy Key West. I'm down there. Sunday. Great show. Shut up. Can I just talk? Can you quit doing your weak fucking callback to cutting it? God damn, dude. God damn it. Hey, cut. T- Yeah. Goddamn it. Gave up the high street. Hey, cut that, Becker.

Speaking of cuts, look at these thigh cuts. No cuts where they don't show. So we do a Wind & Wine cruise the last day we're there. We start off the day by drinking at Louie's Backyard in Key West, have a couple. Everything's going fine. You and Emily. Me, Emily, Tom, Dustinin and his sweet girlfriend kristin

where it's a family affair like i love going down there so we go to wind and wine cruise they have eight different kinds of wine you're on the boat for two and a half hours the guy who's serving the booze is also the guy who owns the comedy club so we pound so much booze and then it's off to the show directly from the boat to the show we get in there and it's wednesday so it's off to the show directly from the boat to the show. We get in there and it's Wednesday so it's like locals night. So there's four different sea captains there because word has spread among

the docs that Sam Talents in town and he's the funniest guy they've ever seen. So I'm fucked up. I'm righteously tanked. I'm Noah with the bottle of Kessler in his backpack riding the bus listening to DMX. -"Kessler and Mustard." -"Yeah, Kessler and Mustard."

-"MPR." He listens to MPR. No, he listens to DMX. Have you heard this thing about him? He listens to the toughest music, so that way, if, like, a big, mean man gets on the bus and is like, "'What's up, you little white bitch?' he can take off his headphones, and the guy will hear DMX, and he'll be like,

"'Oh, you're cool. You're a rough rider.'" He will be like, -"Ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh,. School bus, party bus, city bus. We're going to shut up. Party bus. Yeah. Yeah, the back of our party bus. What are you doing here? I'm drinking Red Bulls in the back room,

trying to get it together. I go on stage. Right away, this boat captain named Tyler's like, yells something out. I'm like three sheets. I'm like, what? What did you do? Oh, cool.

He keeps talking. He has to be removed. They literally grab him by the neck and take him out. Yeah. In the first, like, two minutes? First three minutes. And it turns out he's beloved by all. And all the other boat captains are like, why'd you pull out Tyler?

He's the alpha? Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. So then it's just three other boat captains yelling at me about, where's Tyler? Get Tyler back in here. Yeah. Get Tyler back in here.

I try to do crowd work with these three women in the front, and one of them, I'm like, one of them says she just had a baby, and I was like, cesarean or vaginal? And my wife, my wife yells yells out that's none of your business finally I'm trying to broker a little bit of trust with these three women that's none of your business and I'm like well it's clearly Emily I can't clap back at her so again I'm just fucking lost to the world,

floating like an egg through space. I try to go over here and do some crowd work. And I ask another question to some woman. And Emily, again, none of your business! Yes, Emily's yelling. She's heckling her chubby hubby. She's wasted. She's wasted. She's completely fucked up.

I was fucked up. She's more fucked up than me. She drank as much wine as I did. I'm huge. She's wasted. She's wasted. She's completely fucked up. I was fucked up. She's more fucked up than me. She drank as much wine as I did. I'm huge. She's a girl. Yeah. I rest my case, Your Honor. So, it's that for 40 minutes. It's boat captains yelling at me. Me trying to be like, alright, peg leg. Tyler.

Being like, Tyler. Seriously, where's Tyler? Dude, he literally looked in the window. He came in front door and peeked over the T-shirt display, and everyone's like, "'There he is! Get him back in! Get him back in here!' So, about 30 minutes into my set of just it being shit, the guy who runs the club, who fed me all the booze,

is in the back, and he yells, "'Just do a joke, Sam!' Yeah! After me riffing for the last two sets, it was great. I'm crushing. Everyone loves it." -"He knows what your deal is." -"And he loves me. That's his favorite weekend of the year."

And he yells in the back, "'Do a joke, Sam! Just do a joke!' It was like he wanted to throw a towel on. It was a punch-drunk boxer. And he was the trainer back, do a joke, Sam! Just do a joke! It was like he wanted to throw a towel on. He was a punch-drunk boxer. And he was the trainer, and he's just, get through the round, kid! There isn't a lot of him there.

Where's Tyler? He's not going to see tomorrow at this rate. Yeah! I gotta cut you, Sam. I gotta cut you, kid. He cuts your eye like, ow! Blood guns look so thin with liquor. Yeah, so Tyler keeps popping up.

Emily's like... He's in his boat honking his horn. Yeah. That's Tyler's horn. I tried all the hits, and I was like, hey, what's up, crow's nest? You know, I'm like, land hose over here. Boo! Tyler!

Tyler lives! And then, meanwhile, Emily, you have no right to ask such a question. That's a little violence. Yeah. Body autonomy! She's talking in Spanish. And she's sitting with Tom Dustin Dustin the guy who runs the club's girlfriend and they just have two bottles of champagne

in front of them so it's like happy new year I get to the end I do my book pitch 40 instead of 45 get off at 9.55 no I think I they had extra openers on so I only did like

35 but it might as well have been a marathon 55. No, I think they had extra openers on, so I only did like 35. But it might as well have been a marathon. Yeah, so I'm doing my book pitch and like halfway through it, I'm like, you know what? Fuck this. I'm not selling you guys any books. Tom, Justin, everybody. I walk off stage. I go

sit in the back room. I walk off stage and I check my phone and the first thing I see on my phone is a message from Emily to the family group chat that says, "'Hey, everyone. Good news. I just saw Sam have the worst set he's ever had in 10 years. Ask me anything.'"

So then, Sophie starts pouring in, like, "'Oh, what happened? Whoa!" Sophie's rock hard. Sophie loves it! Yeah! She's an eternal boner. Yeah. Sophie's car flooded. Like, oh, what happened? Whoa! -"Sophie's rock hard." -"Sophie loves it!" Yeah! -"Eternal Boner." -"Yeah. Sophie's car flooded. Your clip lift up here in the eye."

My sister's clip got so stiff that... Wow, wow, wow, wow! Yeah, birds are landing on it. Points due north. And then Mel's like, "'Well, it couldn't have been that bad.'" And Emily's like, "'No, it was worse than you could ever imagine.'" And I's like, well, it couldn't have been that bad. And Emily's like, no, it was worse than you can ever imagine. And I'm like, yeah, it was fun.

Emily was heckling me. And then right away, she's like, you think this is my fault? You're blaming me for all of this? And I was like, no, you saw it was a garbage fire, and you threw a fucking couch on top of it. You saw what a nightmare I was having up there, and you were like, I know what will make it better. Me, the one person who can't be removed. It's like, choke her out. Get her out of here.

Put that bucket over her head. Whack it with a spoon. What's the death in this bitch? That was the last night in the U.S. And I pouted in the back, and, like, Kristen comes back, and she's like, it wasn't that bad. And I'm like, please leave me alone. It was a nightmare. It was like 12. I blew it. I was out of control. And then Tom Kristen comes back, and she's like, "'It wasn't that bad.'" And I'm like, "'Please leave me alone. It was a nightmare. It was a big fall. I blew it. I was out of control.'"

And then Tom Dustin comes back, and he's like, "'At least you never had him.'" You know? Usually his line after you kill is like, "'Where did you lose him?' That classic road bit." And he was like, "'Well, you know, you never had him.'" -"You didn't lose him. He was your girlfriend, Tom." -"Yeah. And he was like, well, you know, you never had them. You didn't lose them. You just had your girlfriend, Tom.

Yeah. And I went up there with this big thing, because everyone at the club, all the openers do a thing. Tom will say his girlfriend works there. And then all of them will be like, oh, you know, my girlfriend Kristen's here. Like, hey, love you, Kristen. Can't wait to run away from here. So I go up there with a little styrofoam box,

because I'm going to propose to Kristen. That's going to be my big opener. And as soon as I walk on stage, someone yells out, are you going to propose to Kristen? I'm like, yeah! So it's just like the only plan that I had. I had a big conch fritter inside of it, you know? I was going to open it up to be a conch fritter.

So I just walk on there, and my knees are cut out from under me. You're going to propose to the great captain. Yeah. Jesus. Where's Tyler? So, yeah, dude, I fucking ate it so bad, and that was my last night

in Key West. Forever. No, I'm coming back in August. They let me down there. I have to go back, but no sea captains allowed. Yeah. Leave them on the boat. It's like a bar in Portland in 1830. Have you done that boat trip before?

I was out of control. I was way too drunk. You knew you were riding the razor's edge when my piece got home. I got on the boat and Tommy's like, we got to play it cool, kid. Every time I get on this goddamn boat, I get off three sheets. And I was like, we'll be cool. And then Joe just comes over and gives us each a bottle of rosé.

He's like, have fun. We're going to be out here for a while. Arr. Yarr. They're all doing the voice, but it's all right. It's Pirate Voice. It's Pirate Voice, but it's okay. Arr, you scurvy dogs! The hardest ars.

Yeah? Yeah, it's all ars. Yeah, Tom Dessen's from, like, Boston, right? Very good. Yeah, he actually... Him and Griff used to work the road together. They call the telephone parades, too. Can we smoke in here?

No. Come on. Let's fire some butts. You going to go have one? Are you stressed? I thought that that story of Sam bombing was really great. Thank you. I thought that it was just, just wonderful.

Yeah. I'm scared of marrying my fiancée now, because it sounds like wife's just heckled, but... I don't think Miriam's a big drinker. No, she doesn't drink at all. No, no. So, yeah, I guess that does sound... And she's a comic.

She knows that that's, like, one of the things that you shouldn't do. Ever. But I also like that, in Emily's mind, like, you know, she's standing up for what's right, and it's like, come on, the rules are different in the room. Yeah. I didn't even ask, like, you know, she's standing up for what's right. And it's like, come on, the rules are different in the room. I didn't even ask, like, you know, do you know the father? Like, you ever been fisted?

You know, it was like, did you have a national or something? It is a lot. But it's funny that she shut it down twice. Matumbo style. Oh, yeah. She wagged the finger. The finger reeked. Very much that would be

pros a woman in the crowd, though, if I was talking to her. She would be like, yeah, don't do that. She'd be jealous. She thinks you're hitting on her. Yeah, she thinks you're about to get your dick sucked up there.

Oh, yeah, and then also in Key West, Emily, we went, there's a bar called Garden of Eden, which is clothing optional. Whoa. Yeah, so Emily went up there. What do you got, Jake? Thumbs up?

I gave him a thumbs up. About this story? About clothing optional. I think that's pretty cool. So we're playing pool downstairs with two street performers, Ridiculous Reed, another guy does a chair thing.

And they're fun. But Emily was like, I want to go upstairs, but I don't want to dump them in front of the guys, you know? And I was like, yeah, go up there. I'll keep them down here, and then I'll come find you. So I play another game of pool. I go upstairs.

Emily's wearing a sundress, and she has just flopped her tits over the top of the sundress. But my wife, not a gifted dancer. You see my wife dance. She dances like the baby from Ally McBeal. It's a little, like, bobbing back. It's like Teletubby is a reference for you. Oh, okay, yeah.

You know, just like one of these. So they're up there playing, like, Get Low, and Emily's just bobbing back and forth with her hands in the air with her tits flopping around. Meanwhile, there's only two other people with their tits out. Emily's the only girl with her tits out. And then there's just a ring of horny perverts along the edge, sending her drink after drink after drink.

Yeah, so she's getting smashed. And I just thought about how funny it would have been, because I'm wearing these shorts without a zipper. If I just went and stood on the dance floor and just dropped Trow, and just danced around the ankles, and Boo Bear around. Just waddle.

Yeah. Yeah. And he'd dance around the ankles. And he'd move air around. Just waddle. Yeah. Crap, man. Yeah. Back and forth. Because, like, that's the only way I could have got my dick out. She was like, hang dong. And I was like, no.

What are you talking about? Yeah. And then Joe came up there to find us. And she was like, oh, no. And she put her tits away. And he was like, ah, you know the reason I walked up these three flights of stairs? And she was like, all right. Flashed her tits away and he was like ah the only reason i walked up these three flights of stairs and she was like all right flashed her tits and he was like oh god no did he yeah he put up a fight yeah he was like no no i was kidding i'm right yeah like uncles to her oh okay yeah tom and joe just kind of look a lot like emily's dad yeah they look like you know the good man Dan Obrish who died.

So, yeah. Neither of them wanted that to happen. No. Yeah. But she was drunk. Yeah. So she was like, okay, cool.

No. He was like, ah, uh-uh. Nasty. Yeah. Gross. They look weird. Yeah, peligroso. Dangerous.

Thank you. Have you guys ever done that near the show? No, I don't think I ever will. We had Joe Pettis did his underwear comedy party for too much fun, so we all did stuff in our underwear. I didn't like it. I'm vulnerable. I wear two shirts on stage.

Yeah. I don't need people to dissect me. But not when he sleeps. While I'm trying to make them laugh while I'm trying to, yeah, make them laugh just having them just being like, ugh, so gross. Yeah, and also, I don't think my dick's ever smaller than when I'm on stage because all the blood's in my veins.

I'm doing this magic thing, you know, where I improvise. Where you do magic. Where I do magic, yeah. So my dick is just hidden. Yeah. It's hidden under layers of pubes and, you know, Tweety Bird tattoos. Yeah. So you do it? Have you done it? No, we got me, yeah, we got it. yeah so my dick is just hidden yeah hidden under layers of pubes and uh you know tweedy bird tattoos have you done it no we got me uh crawford asked me and miriam to do it and i just didn't well he

asked miriam and you were standing near her mostly didn't want to see crawford naked so So I was like, you know what? Nah, I don't want to. But yeah, it's like clothing's optional. And I was like, it doesn't seem like it. It's like they would hate you if you did. I don't think they would be stoked. Yeah. Oh, this guy thinks he's too good for it.

No, I was saying if I... Show your gift with the world. I've never been asked, which is cool. But if I were to be asked, I would do the bit of going in, like, a tux. I would rent a tux or something or a full suit. That'd be funny. And I think that would be the way. Just a big puffy jacket. You're all...

Yeah, or, like, a burp. You're like, I'm listening to D-Max. Yeah. I know. I'm supposed to do 10, but I'm only clearly doing four down here. I would have to tie it off. Tiny dick.

I would have to tie my dick off. To keep loving it. Yes. I would have to tie it off. I would have to tie my dick off. To keep loving it? Yes. I would have to get it hard and then fucking tie it off like I was trying to shoot it. I did think it would be kind of funny to write a set list on my dick and keep on checking it. Yeah. And I was like, but then, yeah, you're right, like, it'd be the smallest.

What about this? It's like writing your name on the greatest hand. Take a bunch of blue chew or Viagra so you're rock hard. That would be pretty fucking funny. And you would know this is as big as it gets. So it's not like...

You're like pointing at people. It's like this guy knows what I'm talking about. Yeah, alright. Maybe tell Crawford you're in. I should have, yeah. And then do that and let me know how it goes. Might work. Yeah.

I would hate it so much. Or it might not be allowed. It's like rule number three. Number one, clothes are optional. No judging. No staring. Can't be rock hard. Number three, no boners.

Number two, there has to be a lady on the line. This is not sexual. No giggling. It's on there probably. No asking, hey, where'd your dick go? Somebody forgot their penis. Pack sunscreen.

No dick. It'd be cool to know which guys have them. I was going to ask that question question who do you think has the well allegedly walter booth has the meanest rotten town yeah i was gonna say like jeff that's right i don't think that tice has the biggest dick because he's too nice and handsome we've seen sam and i don't know if you two have seen a certain comic stick and it's ridiculous. That's pretty good. Oh, Jeff Cohen? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Tracy sent me that. Sam sent it to me after I

begged him, please no. We were in the car. We were going to Boise, I think. And I was like, I don't want to see it. No, thank you. I already ate. He fucking just shows it to me on his phone. I was like, God. Or no, he sent it to me. But we were in the car.

He's like, you son of a bitch. I don't know how yours was driving. I put my hands over his eyes. I mean, make a fist, Noah. It's like from your elbow up. It's thicker. It's weird Noah has like a fat head of that on his long head. Fat head of a fat head of that on his long head. Yeah. Fat head of a fat head.

Yeah. There was a comic who was sending that out as his dick pic on Tinder. He asked Jeff if he could use it. And that's swollen. That's stolen swollen. Swollen, Valerie. Swollen.

Dumb move. Because when your dick is on display and it's not the parking cone that Jeff Cohen uses to get booked, you know, he's like, put me on the show or else! He's like a billy club. He's like a fucking Pinkerton.

He's union busting. How about a rap on the head, you rap scoundrel? Alright, you can do underground. I bet Elliot Woolsey has a nice piece. He's huge. Mormon. Also, I mean,

the OG big one was Hiker. Yeah, I've heard that. I haven't seen it. I've seen Hiker's piece. It's nuts. It does. Yeah, it gets heard that. I haven't seen it. I've seen Hiker's Peace. Yeah, like wears a hat and stuff. It does. Yeah, it gets booked before he does. Has a hockey stick. Yeah, he doesn't need a hockey stick when he plays.

Yeah, he just gets out there and he's sweeping the ice. Well, I don't know why you brought it up. Kind of weird. Because we were talking about nude shows. Did you tap out? Are you naming all the state capitals in your head so you can be centered? I can do it backwards alphabetically. Turn around. Let's see it.

On my head, too. I can do it walking backwards. That's funny. What's the next topic of conversation? Noah wanted us to say him. That's the biggest dick, I think. Noah, I bet you have a good piece. Yeah. I think Jacob's right. I probably have a good piece. Uh, yeah. I probably...

I think Jacob's right. I probably have the biggest dick. Why don't you show us your dick? We don't use the video of this. Let me smell your dick. Yeah, I mean, I'll show you guys my dick. Will you go get it hardened and come back? Is there a Ukrainian flag around it? I stand with Ukraine.

I stand with Ukraine. Noah's neighbors have a Ukrainian flag around it? I stand with Ukraine. Noah's neighbors have a Ukrainian flag that you brought up, which was a funny point. Well, it looks like old. Doesn't it? It looks like it's weathered by the sun. And the longest it could have been up is like five weeks. Well, Ukraine's not even that

old of a country, really. It is. It's very old. Yeah, no, you're right. Italy's a young country. That's true. It's not even that old of a country, really. It is. It's very old. Yeah. No, you're right. Italy's a young country. That's true. It's not incorrect. Italy's barely legal. It is. Yeah.

But yeah, it's like all these tabs on Noah's computer. I just have regular tabs on my computer. No, you don't. You have Lois Bang's mag. You have Maggie's strap-on. Oh, come on. I don't have cartoon porn. Maggie can't even talk. Yeah, but she has that pacifier.

Rick and Morty Roadhead? That's gross. That's not canon. I'm not into that. The show's creators and writers do not agree with that. I love Dan Harmon. I'm not into this the show's creators and writers do not agree I love Dan Harmon

I'm not into that stuff he's taken there I know his creative style I had Chick-fil-A for breakfast bitch did you? yeah no

New Orleans airport get the fuck oh what you want what'd you say? I had Chick-fil-A for breakfast oh nice

what'd you eat? what did you get? 12 nugs-fil-A for breakfast. Oh, nice. What'd you eat? The chicken. What did you get? 12 nugs. I didn't get the little four biscuits. Yeah. I like those. I had 12 nugs.

I got to imagine the New Orleans airport is great. Like, food-wise, it's probably pretty cool. It's all been redone, so it's actually great. Right. That's what I said. No, you said, I can't imagine an airport is good. I don't know.

I've never been to an airport before. This is you. This is you, though. This is you, though. That's you. Atlanta is good. There's a five guys and a pop-up. Do you hear that? There's a five guys and a five guys. Houston, do you hear that?

And I ate both. There's a five guys and a five guys. I double dipped at the Atlanta, at Hartsfield Jackson. Yeah. I was like, I want both. And I was like, I can have both. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, no one's here to judge me.

I'm the man. Yeah, I was flying solo. I'm the best. I'm a drifter. George H.W. Bush in Houston Airport also has very good food. They have a Panda Express and a Chick-fil-A and I think just great food.

You need to keep talking louder. You have a bottle. Noah has a bottle of Chick-fil-A's Polynesian sauce. I had some for breakfast. It's too sweet. It's too sweet. Noah bought that thinking it was the Chick-fil-A sauce. I thought it was the Chick-fil-A sauce.

Why don't you read the whole bottle? Why don't you shut up? Why don't you shut up? It's my pocket. Also, we signed the lease. That's not what you guys signed. What was it? Alright, so now you want to talk about it.

No, what did we sign? What was it that we signed? What was the document? Finish with that. Literally anything would have been a punchline. Instead of just licking your lip. I can hear the people on the subreddit typing right now, less Noah.

Oh good, another Noah episode. I don't want to be here. You think I want this? You think this is something that I want to care about? Hey, listen, Reddit. Cream up. Nice job, Jacob. Jacob's been on fire.

Jacob's slamming and cramming over here. I don't care about your little comedy skit show, okay? You're not excited? No, it's my biggest opportunity. It's my biggest chance. Yeah, and you're doing great. People love you. Thank you. I appreciate it.

No one that has a show tonight is doing the nerd roast of Blood and the Rings. Can you guess who I am? Yeah, go. I guessed right, too. Yeah, for sure. And my first thought was, that's fucking believable was why don't you do

Jar Jar Binks voice Misa Gaham, Misa Wadarim that was your first thought it's pretty funny he shoots it down and he's like I've got a bunch of I'm not going to do a voice for seven minutes you're not going to commit at all

you're going to walk up so I'm not explaining. So I'm Gollum or whatever. LOL, I guess. Yes, I'm going to do that. I'm going to be like. Nick Bean. This whole thing is going to be in a suit.

Yeah, he's wearing a tux. Yeah. Dude, I thought this was the naked show. Oh, yeah. Gollum was naked. You can be naked. That'd be hilarious. Yeah, dude.

If you were naked, that would rock. He's a Gollum. He said don't have pants. Okay. The Jar dude, if you were naked, that would rock. Mesa Gollum. Mesa don't have pants. Okay. The Jar Jar thing is good. It's growing on you. See, yeah, well, imagine you're at the show. Mesa like a fish ahead.

Mesa, Mesa invisible. Mesa bipolar. Yeah. It'd be so funny if Frodo goes up and does the voice though first. He's like a Jar Jar. He better Frodo. Yeah, I would did Bernie Mac. He's like a dickhead Jar Jar Binks. He better front. Yeah, I would've did Bernie Mac. I'd DM...

I'm not scared of you, motherfucker. I'd DM everybody on the show, hey, you know what, this is a pretty solid idea. I don't know what you have so far, but Jar Jar Binks' voice would be incongruous and hilarious. Yeah, it's all right there. Nobody would expect it.

Jar Jar Binks as Bernie Mac doing Gollum? Yeah, you could. Mesa, no scared of you you could. Mesa, no scare to you, motherfucker. Mesa, pull my dick out, the whole room goes black. Mesa only need 25 bucks. Fucking ain't no more than Mesa 45, Mesa.

What if you did Jar Jar the Brinks truck driver? Mesa need to park my truck. It's full of money, Mesa. What if we did? You know his favorite meal, Jar Jar's Mesa soup. Jesus. What did Jar Jar die of?

Mesa filio? Yeah, I did know that one. I did know that one, actually. That was one of my favorite hotel room bits of yours. Yeah, that was fun. I can't really bring it back, but... Yeah, it was good. Well, you guys are just good at The Voice.

I can't do The Voice. You can try it at The Voice. You weren't alive in 99. Yeah. I was. It was a year before... I guess two years before September 11th. Gosh.

What year were you born? I was born, I guess, in 1986 if you trust the documents. Oh. Alright. Oh. Click, click, click, click. I'm a dumb idiot and I listen to this dumb show

and I have an opinion. Noah sucks. No, they actually have gone wild for you. It's Patrick they hate. We can hear that guy breathing. Get him a muffler. That's a problem. Why you can

hear me breathing? I'm breathing. I'm only breathing to be able to breathe. We need to stop capitalism. Basketball. I capitalism. Basketball. Iraq. Antifa.

Ant Latifa. Madea. So you guys, I'm going to miss you. I'm leaving tomorrow for another 14 days. Luckily, I'll see you right away in Milwaukee. That'll be nice. After the 14 days, you come to the States? I go to Glasgow tomorrow.

I'm there for three nights, and then I'm in Dublin for three nights, and then I'm in London for four nights, and then right to Milwaukee. Those are all theaters? Yeah. Jesus. O2 Arena in London. No way. O2 Shepherd's Bush.

The little side rooms? Yeah. I was going to say, that's where Michael Jackson died. Really? Well, he was getting ready to do the shows at O2 Arena. I don't think he died. No, he died in Los Angeles. Stupidest thing he said so far.

Yeah, stupidest thing he said so far. So he was over there doing the rehearsals, then he flew to LA. He died in his bed in Los Angeles. Before doing the run-up shows. You know that because he's the patron saint of guys like you. Extreme performers who have

hobbies that means nobody's business. Noah's parents signed an NDA after Noah spent the week at Neverland Ranch. Which I don't like to perpetuate. I don't know if he was fucking those kids. It might have been a weird relationship. I think he was fucking that monkey. I think it's generally not funny

to make light of pedophilia. Jake? He's nodding in agreement. Kid gloves. He wore one kid glove. He's only half guilty. You all got to feel me. What if you did Jar Jar Jackson?

That would be funny. Mesa Gollum also Jar Jar Hinks. It's also Michael Jackson. Yeah. Misa, dang, I'm going to call you a coconessa. I just don't think I can... I don't think I can learn the words. Try it out real quick.

Misa, Jar Jar... Misa... You're doing your voice. I know it. What? Sam, I'm Sam. I had Chick-fil-A for breakfast. I did.

I did. You did. What, do you have baby food? I haven't had breakfast yet. You know what I had for breakfast? You have apricots put through a blender. I had a glass of water and an apple. Wow, an apple. Oh.

What do you have? Whatever you found here? I haven't eaten today because last night was a lot. Well, I haven't eaten in Colorado yet, so. Whoa. And you said you're going to Dublin and Edinburgh. That's cool. I said I was going to Glasgow.

Uh. Are you going to have any haggis? Probably not. I won't eat any bullshit. That's not everywhere, right? Yeah. That's just kind of in the hills? In the box?

I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to eat. I don't know what I'm going to do. Because, you know, Tim will probably have, like, busy stuff. Oh, yeah. What was this expensive meal that you had last night? I went to compare Le Pen. It sucked.

I mean, it didn't suck but it wasn't that good uh i had like a savory bread pudding which was nice and the pig ears were good uh the biscuits were solid but i ended up i got the half chicken and the field peas were good but like the half chicken was just like a wet piece of barbecue chicken yeah that was a bummer meanwhile emily got, goat stew. And she was like, this is the best beef I've ever had. And I was like, bitch, it's mutton. And she was like, you can't even ask that.

None of your heads and none of your, like, what this meat is. Yeah. Tyler never made fun of me for eating it. Tyler's outside. Yeah, he's inside her. But Coquette was the best, as it always is. If you're in New Orleans, you've got to go to Coquette.

Now that's a fine meal worth every goddamn jaw movement to chew it. All right? Amen, and I can back that up. Amen. Have you been there? No, of course not. No one's ever been to New Orleans. Never been.

We're up in nowhere planning a boys' trip. Yeah, we're going to go. New Orleans rules. Yeah. We're up in nowhere planning a boys trip. Yeah, we're going to go. New Orleans rules. Yeah. This is me. This is more like spice and something, like a jambalaya. We're going to go try to find Zion. Yeah.

See what he's doing. He's talking again. Yeah. Chicken nuggets and ranch dressing. Yes. Whoa. Have him on the pod. Yeah.

Can you guys get Zion? I think so. I think we can you should be like I love local worlds it's like it's okay to make fun of Zion yeah he's like 22 years old he's a professional athlete look at this fat piece of shit

who's still yeah he's a kid you should be like for birthright I want to go to Zion's house I want to go to Zion's house. I want to go to Zion's house and then Babylon. You'll Babylon for sure. This motherfucker won't shut up. No, we'd be friends.

And I would get along. Hey, why haven't you gone to Birthright? Oh, because that shit sucks. No, go over there. Join the IDF. Everyone gets fucked. Everyone gets head. I've heard it's just a big head fest. I think you're allowed to take that. No, I don't want to go.

You know what it is over there? Hot and sandy. Yeah. It's like the most Jewish thing you've ever said. It's really too hot and the soup've ever said. It's too hot and the soup's too cold. Is the soup too cold? Jar Jar's

I'm saying Jar Jar's Jar Jar Banks Jar Jar West Banks Yeah, you're pro-Palestine so maybe don't go to Israel. I don't really think any of that shit should be where it is, though. You know what I mean?

You want to relocate the birthplace of civilization? Redraw the map. Start fresh. Eat fresh. There's a subway over there. That's fun. Tiger's Euphrates. Tiger's Euphrates.

Just some sanity. Slightly different. Good call. Solid. Good call. Solid. Good riff. Hand out of the pocket. A little bit. Chubbing it up, please. I showed you earlier. You just didn't see.

You really? You hung it? Yeah. Oh. No, I didn't. You know what he thought was a fun bit this morning? My alarm goes off. I wake up. I have to go to the bathroom. Naturally. You know what he thought was a fun bit this morning? My alarm goes off. I wake up. I have to go to the bathroom, naturally. That's what the body wants. He's shitting with the door open.

I mean, it was funny. But I was also like, man, for somebody who's been uptight for the last 48 hours about everything I do. Just a dominance thing. I don't know who the boss is. It's not Tony Danza. He fucked me up. I was like, Jesus, man. Was it completely nude? No. Pants were down on

the toilet. I did not sit down. Did it reek? No. He didn't go into the bathroom. He was at the end of the hallway here, but it was smelly. I see him and I'm like, come on, man. What the fuck? That's great.

You've gone too far. Thank you. So Noah's on top. Yeah. I was on top. I've been on top. He's in the lead. Like I said, I didn't jerk off.

I cleaned up my hair. Nobody's going to know I was even in here. I might have to spill after this. Oh, okay. Noah was sitting there for two hours before. in here. I might have to spill after this. Oh. Okay. I was sitting there for two hours before. Right. I didn't have to poop. His feet aren't touching the ground.

I wasn't actually pooping at all. He's like Sharpie on a bar stool. No one had another pretty boss move last night because we got pizzas. And he goes... Of course, pizza is two pizzas. Yeah. He goes, I do garlic Parmesan sauce instead of marinara.

And I was like, no, you don't. Papa John's? This is a bit. Domino's. Domino's? I was like, this is a bit. Now he's like, no, he gets it. It's incredible.

It's really good. It's the future of pizza. Today. We don't yet. Now. The future is right now. We can have the world that we want. Yeah.

So yeah, that's a good move. Jake, do you know about the garlic Parmesan sauce? I do not. I need to know. He's shaking his head no and says he needs to know. There's a Domino's in Trinidad, if I'm not mistaken. There is. We're not allowed to eat there.

Kayvon said he'll kill us. Kayvon said, I run the pizza. Misha, kill you. That is Kayvon. That is a good game. Game on, Binks. I like to do a thin crust buffalo chicken pizza at Domino's.

That one rocks. Crispy cracker crust. Shut the hell up. It's good, man. You get the pan. It's good. Crispy cracker crust. It's good, man. It's good. You get the pan. First you get the pan. You go to Domino's, you get the pan.

I don't think so. You guys remember the New York style that Pizza Hut tried to push for a while? That was fun. That was good. That was a good pie. I like a New York style. They never put it out at the buffet. At lunch buffet. They know what they're style. They never put it out at the buffet. At a lunch buffet.

They know what they're doing. They have Brooklyn style now and Noah was like, no way. We're not getting Brooklyn style. I was like, I'm getting my own pizza. He was like, nope. We do pan or we do nuts. We got the pan. Not my house. I guess we're doing pan.

We also use the coupon, the deal, the carryout deal, which is two topping. And this is, it doesn't really matter. We don't have to go into detail. Let's get into it. Okay. It's a two.

It's a, you really want to explain this. It's a two topping medium, excuse me, 799 carryout deal. We got three toppings on our pizza. So I think that's why it was a little bit more. It was.

But we still got a coupon because it was a discounted price it was originally like 39 something and it was just kind of like 23 yeah we screwed down you don't even like pizza you like a bargain yeah i do no no it has like a beautiful mind i do yeah bonds and discounts and stuff yeah yeah well you are gonna go bankrupt with all this door dash i listen to the pod the pod. You DoorDash way too much. You're paying three times as much as you would if you went to the place yourself. Yes, absolutely. I don't know what's happened, but the pandemic really made us lazy about doing anything. But you're not even a big fat guy.

No, I'm not. Wow. It's not fair. Yeah, I have like a premium account on DoorDash. It's embarrassing. It says like the amount I've saved on fees and it's like embarrassing. See, because we are the polar opposite. Go ahead.

And I gave Noah my DoorDash and he used it to order Chipotle because he said he calculated and it saved him like $1 for me to get into the Chipotle app. That's huge. I'm not going to apologize for my shit like i'm like the opposite i'll just throw money at anything i don't want and i don't even have a car and i will walk a long distance to not have a door dash and get food and stuff and then i was yeah you you're you're platinum level now but you had to spend a lot of money to get there and you're still paying some still i mean it's like so, it depends on what,

if it's like really busy, it'll still be a couple of bucks, but it's not like 15 extra bucks. So it's, but it was for two years. But then I just like tip that extra amount too. So it doesn't really matter. I don't know, but I like tipping a lot. Cause I'm like, this is kind of, I don't know. It's still lame.

Yeah. You make a lot of money being a private detective. I used to be. Now I'm in a weird HVAC job. Is that the one that Patrick got fired from? Yeah. He really boned you out of a giant bonus? Yep, nine days. That's been my bonus.

$1,500. $2,500 bones? Because Pat couldn't wake up? Yeah, because he literally couldn't get to the job. God, he's such a fucking wad. Everyone's favorite on Reddit. 8 to 5. He owes you $2,500.

Yeah, I mean, come on. He brought us donuts. He doesn't owe me shit. I mean, he's killing it in my book. If I were you, I would be furious. I did get revenge this week, though, because my job got sweet tickets to the Nuggets game.

Actually, really good seats that I've never even seen. And Patrick messaged me. I'm like, yeah, you could have stayed here like two more weeks. I would have gotten it in. He sucks so hard. He had to stay home and make more bad rap.

I can't come to work. So hard. You need to stay home and make more bad rap. No, his rap's good. I can't come to work. I can't fit out the door. I'm stuck in my apartment. I don't know where my car went. He was in a team with another girl, too, who missed equal amounts of time. Wow.

Like, at the same amount of time. Like, this is not a hard job. You just have to show up. Yeah, you just have to, like, show up and park in front of some, like, divorcee's house and drink coffee out of a styrofoam cup.

I accidentally ate my car keys and I put a piece of pizza into the ignition and it was, you know, caramel-styled. I went to valet my car and they valeted me because I was a valet. Anyway, I'm not drinking.

Can you come get me on a valet? I accidentally put vodka into my car and then drank the gasoline. And now my tummy hurts. I was tanning and a helicopter landed on my back. Oh, shit. Got him. Shout out.

Patrick, my memo's at Jacob Rupp. $2,500. Yeah. Get him on a payment plan. And I would have gotten that again if he stayed a year, but I gave up on that immediately. He's not staying a year. It seems like such a weird... When I heard he screwed you out of some money,

I figured it was like $150. It seems insane that it's that much money just for having some idiot show up. They bumped it up because we couldn't hire anybody. Because it's a shit job. I mean, yeah, kind of. At the time, I told him, get out of there. The mental

stress of going to a job you hate is real and it sucks. But then when I found out how much money it was like come on dude you could have gotten a grand you could have gotten like 500 of that if you would have like bullied jacob i would have been over that yeah yeah 500 of the two 2500 i think the time is just hilarious too nine days left right four days or. Get a calendar. Put an X over each day. Yeah. Next thing you know,

you're there. And we don't fire anybody unless they just don't show up. Yeah. So that's like it. Like they can come and be bad. I can't come to work because I was driving by the zoo.

Yeah. And the zookeeper said that I was loose. Yeah. And they came and they put me in a cage. He took like three days off after getting the like third vaccine,

the booster. And I was like, all right, whatever. I did that with you. Yeah. Fucking Pat. Yeah.

Well, well, all right. I'm all pissed off. Sorry. Sorry to bring it up. You got, you got over it.

And then we unearthed a lot of anger. That's a lot of DoorDash. It's a lot of California pizza kitchen. Oh, you like that? That's a good one. They got a good barbecue chicken pizza. That's what I get. You just mocked me for getting the Domino's

Barbie. No, it was barbecue chicken. You said buffalo. I, it was barbecue chicken. You said buffalo. I said thin crust barbecue chicken. He said buffalo. No, that's impossible. He said buffalo. What's Becker saying?

Buffalo. I said buffalo? He said buffalo. Yeah, but I was criticizing you for getting the thin crust at Domino's. That was my criticism. I had a dream last night. Oh, my God. That I had, like like i shit my pants

and i was at a show and i needed to go wipe really bad but when i got into the bathroom you were there jose mccall was there yeah and as soon as i opened i was like i have to use the john and as soon as i opened up the toilet door jose came in and was like, I also have to use it. So I had to wipe in front of him. And then just an ever long, like, a longer line of people kept coming and people like that. And I was like, I have to go up in a second. Don't look at me. I'm wiping. Your sixth-grade science teacher,

Groucho Marx, was there. Yeah. Jenny McCarthy. Shehey was there. And I'm, like, wiping. Wiping and laughing. Yeah. I just, like, kept wiping, and I couldn't get clean. Then I had to go onstage, and everyone was there, and I'm, like, wiping. Wiping and laughing. Yeah. I just, like, kept wiping, and I couldn't get clean. Then I had to go on stage, and everyone was like, he was wiping. You had clothes, though?

Yeah. My shit, like, one of the only recurring dreams I ever have is that I'm fucking completely naked just somewhere in the world. It is so annoying to wake up and just be like, what the fuck was that? My brain could have done anything with that time. And I'm just

nude and lost. I'm like sunburned. Nobody will help me. It's like Google Earth, like looking around. Yeah, I'm just fucked. Nobody has an extra layer of clothing to lend me. So I'm just like hiding and then an extra layer of clothing to lend me. So I'm just, like, hiding.

And then I get sick of, like, hiding. So I just, like, walk around. But I'm like, hey, sorry, I'm completely naked. Because it's, like, my brain that created it. Nobody really freaks out. They're all just like, yeah, all right, well, you know. Keep it moving. And it's, like, such a weird scenario to wake up from

and be like, oh, cool. I'm glad I didn't have, like, a sex dream or, like, even if I was, like, performing and bombing, that would be better. Your dream is so much better than me having to wipe while looking Jose McCall in the face while he's also wiping. Where he's both standing there wiping,

throwing toilet paper in the toilet. And meanwhile, after every wipe, there's, like, three more people toilet. And meanwhile, after every wipe, there's like three more people in there. Like, Wayman's in the back, like, Wayman! Wayman's there? Yeah.

That's cool. Yeah, dude. It sucks. Everyone you've ever known. Yeah. And you can't stop wiping. Uh-huh. Yeah, no, that's worse than being nude.

Yeah. I'm glad I don't have anal components. I don't know what the fuck it's about. But then I have to go right on stage. It seems like a cry for help, for sure. Yeah. I have one, like, once a week where I'm trying to, like, order food across the street from I'm about to go up, and then I never get there.

Yeah. And I'm like, you could hear them announcing me. Oh, shit. And I'd be like, yeah, that seems like a weird anxiety attack of me just missing when they call my name or whatever. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah.

I had a dream. I was in a plane. Well, that's the episode, everybody. No, tell us your dream, buddy. No, it was just, it was a plane crash. Yeah.

And it was horrific. It was a horrific plane crash. You survived it. I did. You come out of the rubble and you're like, Mesa alive! Mesa gotta eat dead bodies to survive. Mesa precious.

A lot of plane crashes. Okay. Yeah. Well, you guys want to plug your shit? Go ahead. We have a podcast called Chicken and the Nuggets. If you like me and hate Noah, you'll love that podcast.

Yeah, you carry most of the... Thank you. I've heard that a couple of times. Really? Are people telling? You guys are fun together. I like the pod. People are usually like, Rupp and the other guy have a great rapport. Yeah, Rupp and the weird one. Well, I also have a podcast

that's by the same name and Jacob also. Similar name. And you guys eat chicken and you talk about the Denver Nuggets. Yeah, it's the perfect podcast. If you don't like basketball, we are on the Basketball Podcast Network. Basketball Podcast Network.

So we're sponsored by DraftKings. And we are in a slack full of sports writers who have no sense of humor. So we're sponsored by DraftKings. And we are in a slack full of sports writers who have no sense of humor. So we're definitely a weird... We're not like a sports podcast, really. And the first half of the show, we talk about chicken. It's like a food review. And then the next half,

it's basketball. So if you like one of those, you'll like it. And if you don't like one of those, you're a piece of shit. Finally. Hey, Glasgow, I'll be over there, the 29th opening for Tim Dillon. I'll be in Dublin. I'll be in London. Then I fly to the Laughing Tap in Milwaukee,

April 7th, 8th, and 9th. I'll be up there Lunds featuring. That'll be a hoot and a holler. I think AJ Grill's gonna be on that. Then we go over to Eau Claire, Wisconsin on the 10th, the brick house, coming home. And then I'm in Montana, the 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th. Come to those shows. Jesus. Yep. I know it's a nightmare. And then we go to Indianapolis. We're in helium.

Yeah. 22nd and 23rd. I'm doing those. Yeah, I think it's two. It's Friday and Saturday. Well, we don't worry about the Sunday. We're definitely not on that show on Sunday. Wink wink. And then my sister gets wedding. So come on out everybody. This was another great episode

of Sam T and the Bunch. You're not supposed to fart on the blanket or the futon. You're not supposed to fart on the blanket or the futon. You're not supposed to fart on the blanket or the futon. You farted on both. And the pillow was right there. The pillow was right there. Mesa make a whoopsie.

You did everything you're not supposed to do. Sam, remember, you're supposed to get tea for me in London, so just do that. Well, you have low tea, so I'll get you a bunch of tea. I'll get you some dog testosterone. Just regular tea you drink with. We out.