Chubby Behemoth - Why I’ve Been Drilling

Episode Date: June 1, 2025

SPONSORS: Cash App - Download Cash App Today https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/g0yurtz9?utm_source=episodic&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=episodic_podscale_chubbybehemoth_apr_2025 As a Cash App partner, I may earn a commission when you sign up for a Cash App account.   Ridge Wallet - Take advantage of Ridge’s once-a-year Father’s Day Sale and get UP TO 40% Off right now by going to https://www.Ridge.com/CHUBBY   BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Sam and Becker had to have a NPC conversation waiting for Nathan. Sam imagines learning to survive on sunscreen, spent so much money on the chair that he won’t get out of it, and loves how Nathan measures appeal to an audience . Nathan imagines how Sam is traveling now, wonders how long that kid in Eugene is going to last, and pitches a new type of keg-a-rator.     00:00 We Only Talk When It’s Business 01:38 You Can’t Go To RenFair 02:53 The Ramifications 05:40 It’s No Longer A Novel 07:00 Giant Drill 11:30 I Don’t Even Know! 13:09 Buried In Guns 16:05 Bass Fishing Shirt 17:55 Perfect Guess 20:10 One Hundred Somehow 22:53 Worst Human Table 24:53 Here’s A Question 27:00 You Ever Squeeze That Up In Your Hands? 28:45 It’s Organic 33:48 Put Her On Speaker 35:55 Immersed In Duddy Culture 44:22 Yes You Do 47:52 Saint Stevie 49:08 Road Warrior Pop 51:03 They Need Some Recognizable People 52:43 I’m On Wood Baby 54:38 Not Welcome     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

Is there a better greeting than we only talk if I'm getting paid for it? No. That's the perfect greeting. We only talk when it's business is an awesome thing to say. To your friend who you then gladly talk to for 20 minutes without doing any good stuff. That's the thing about talking to Becker on here without Lund before we start recording is that I got to not burn any of my gold. Yeah.

You know? You have to be an NPC. I do, I just have to bump around and be like, I heard that the king is arriving in the morning and then like walk into the corner and you know, hit my head on something. I have to be like, the cooperage opens tonight, but they need more reeds.

You know? I want to play Witcher again. I hated it at the time, but now I think I'm horny enough to love it. The first one? Yeah. I did not like the first Witcher. I barely started it. I didn't give it a chance.

Yeah, I didn't either because Jordan Doll and yours were like, hmm, it's excellent, fellow mage. And I was like, okay, well, maybe I'll give it a whirl. And then I did. And it was like, it opened hot. I think that there was a heavy pair and he was slapping them around to start. But, uh, then it was a bunch of like learning how to cast fireballs. And I was like, this is not supposed to be gay, but here we are.

It's supposed to be a game for dudes like me. Ren fair guys. Who can't go outside? It brings the ren fair to you. Right. Yeah. Cause you can't go to the ren fair because first of all, you get sunburned. And second of all, keep coming in your pants from all the gals being jammed and you're just walking around sticky all day and you have a turkey leg, but you know, you know there's some honey mustard. Boys, I've missed you. I had come with good tidings.

No ill will. Yeah, it feels like it's been forever. I know. Is your dial turned all the way to the mic side? Me? No, yours is fine. No, I'm fucking, it sounds weird. So I'm trying to fucking.

I think you might just have to talk into the front of it in the echoey room. Do you want me to vamp? I could tell I could do a little ham book. No, you always say talking to this one. Not this one Right, but the side the side where the dials are This side yeah, yeah Q 50 people say he doesn't know how to work his fucking mic. It's a new computer, so maybe that's part of the issue. Yeah, it's picking you up clearer, so it's using the mic's driver better.

I mean, Becker gave you a free computer, right? Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. This is literally the ramifications of his Chinese lifestyle. Becker is living such a Chinese lifestyle that he had an extra computer to bestow upon you. It was the one I burned out on school, but it'll be fine for just using the camera and the mic.

It'll be better than what he had. You burned it out on school? That's better than what he had. Yeah, doing all that coding on it, it was slow as shit. But I- I've spilled coding on my computer too, and it sucks. This one was also sticky. Yes.

Can we take it to the ren fair? He said, yeah, boob, copper, copper tone for boobs. They made a specific SPF and, uh, and consistency for ren fair boobs. Yeah. SPF stands for small pair free. So if you have a little set, they give you some for free because you're not going to use it very fast. But yeah, if you're a big gal, you should just buy it by the case.

It'd be cool to hide in a big old barrel of titty sunscreen and just hide in there, you know? Pop out. Hey! I've been in here! It's like the 10th time they use it. It's like three summers have gone by in the third summer. I'm like, hey, man! I'm out of there. I'm all greasy. I've learned how to survive on the sunscreen. You're eating it. I'm just a problem now. Of course, I'm eating it. I'm breathing it.

You don't have to surface. I'm making love with it. Neo and the Matrix, but you don't unplug. You never unplug. I've gone full goo, Lord. It's kind of my dream come true, really. I get to hide in slime and then prank a big titty lady. No one's bothering me.

I'm just alone, working towards this insane. No one's bothering me. I'm just alone, working towards this insane creative goal. And no one understands why it means so much to me? You haven't been writing a second book, you've been figuring out how to breathe in Sunblock. There's no book, all right? There's just calculations and hypotheses. Well, it's no longer a novel. It's a deep dive. It's a memoir of a man who learned to breathe sunscreen. The Mammarquist's Cookbook. Oh my God. You're addicted to free chest meat. Whoa. It's so funny because all day, I just use my brain for good and then I get in here and it's allowed to get back to what it wants, to what it yearns for, which is this.

This kind of silliness. Oh, fuck. It's like you've been over there forever at this point. I know. At this point, it feels like you're not allowed to come back. There was a little whoopsie at the border, boys. Let's just say the Sam T tariff has not been lifted. I got to stay out, find more tiny hats, buy more clothes. The Houthies are bombing the cargo ships that are supposed to bring you home.

Did you see? Oh yeah, you saw it in the group chat. I envisioned you because you've been increasingly difficult to get in touch with. And also I thought, I forgot, I wasn't sure whether you had left Paris with Emily and her mom. So then I thought, oh good, he's in a more remote region of France. That has been solid in the past. And then I surmised that next up- His alibi is becoming stronger than anything it's from Paris. Everywhere and nowhere.

Well that's likely I can be mad at him. Interesting. Down by the ports trying to put his thumb on the scale. Down by the ports. I figured maybe, yeah, next up you were going to be circling the earth's atmosphere in a, in a small spacecraft or deep underground in a giant drill. Like bebop and rocksteady. Oh yeah, they had a, yeah, they had a drill. Oh shit.

I didn't have that, uh, I was, I was thinking of Dr. Robotnik. So, but yes, did he have a drill and then, but he could fly. I mean, he was egg shaped. So it makes more sense for me to robotnik me. But yeah, bebop and rock steady's fine. Uh, Krang, whatever you want it to be. It was so funny to me to think about me not being able to get out, you being frustrated.

You can't get ahold of me because I'm just slowly rotating in some kind of big chair and there's like a henchman around me and they're like how much deeper my lord and I'm like well no when we get there. Yeah and like meanwhile on the surface of earth it's like you and Becker being like what the fuck, man? You have to have Pat on again? No one's gonna, everyone's gonna leave the Patreon. Everybody's so mean.

Meanwhile, yeah, meanwhile, I'm just, woo. For some reason you have to turn with the drill so you're dizzy and puking. I'm dizzy, yeah. Very sick, but I can't back out of it. Who connected the seat? Emily said it was stupid. who connected the seat to the drill Yeah, master. I'm sure you told me to do so or else. I wouldn't have why would I want to spin with the drill?

45 seconds so I can puke. No one else in the room is spinning besides the chair. The chair is spinning. The captain's chair. But I spent so much money on the chair that I won't get out of it. Well, every eight seconds that the drill isn't drilling, he is costing you 500 grand so you have to keep sleeping. Oh man, the chair is made out of the white couch that's in my basement and I'm secretly uncomfortable too, but I can't get up. Like if I got up, it would be fine. And the ship could keep going even if I wasn't in the chair.

But I won't get out of the chair. I wouldn't get out of that chair, You know it I'd be like I'm fine My idea to have the chair. I'm more comfortable. I noticed your chairs We have to be at the earth's core in eight minutes fake laughs I've made that joke like ten times already. I don't remember it. I'm so dizzy Just puke everywhere Shit oh Man yeah, oh that's the good stuff. How much longer are you over there?

I don't even understand anymore. I don't even know. I keep thinking, I keep thinking I'm going to be home soon and then I'm like, oh no, I'm not. I'm staying over here. How about this? I won't arrive in America until the eighth of June. Yeah. I will be arriving in Boston and doing a show and then going home and then going to Eugene to come see your happy ass. And then after Eugene, I'm going to go back to, I'll be home.

I'll be in my house for like four days and then gone for like 40 again. Cause I'm going to go do Eugene and then I'm coming back to Colorado because I got my fucking high school reunion. I got to go over there, you know, see who's got them in the drill. And then, yeah, show everybody. What have I been up to? Well, if you have a minute. Yeah, get in the chair and let me show you. And they're like.

You emerge from the floor of the gym. Yeah. I drill up. Through the hardwood. That's why I've been drilling. Yeah. Because I need to get from here in Paris all the way back to Colorado and then sneak back up and come out of the EHS gym.

It's cheaper to go under and through the ground than to transfer it. Right. I mean, they already have the channel, so that's helping. That's half of the journey. Yeah. You destroy the channel. Yeah that's helping. That's half of the, that's half of the journey. Yeah. You destroy the channel. Yeah, of course. There's a dude in Eugene that just, uh, showed off a, a, a diesel fuel made from,

uh, plastic and he poured it into like an old Volkswagen Passat. He's in Eugene. He shouted out Eugene like a dozen times Everybody was going nuts. I didn't watch the whole thing cuz it was boring You're sure he wasn't shouting out his favorite wrestler You're talking about the young black Yeah, yeah, I've watched a lot of Eugene Dinsmore about Plastine the government's gonna kill him He's that's what I was that's what I was gonna say is that everyone who's ever gotten that

Anyone who's gotten that far since the 1920s has wound up dead. He was found dead. He had a gun in both hands and a shotgun in his toes. Yeah. They just bury him under guns. He pulled on a cord at a new apartment and it was the gun attic and he was buried in guns. His ship blew up recently.

He just did that video, right? And he's rebuilding it. Oh wait, wait. His facility where he processes the Plastine. He's like exploding. And this kid's very, he makes a stuff of Plastine. That's like a gasoline and diesel. He can make both out of plastic waste But his like whole facility blew up and he survived and he's raised a bunch of money And now he has like a bunch of safety equipment, but his shit shouldn't have exploded like the kids

wildly smart All right backers and talked to anybody since you guys did nobody Nobody knows what I'm talking about when I bring up the Plastene kids. So I'm just excited somebody's seen it finally. Yeah. Well, and I randomly saw it on Facebook. I don't even know how, and it's like, oh, how long is this going to be available before it's just, like you said, it's gone, he's gone.

He's buried. He's in a drill that he can't, that he doesn't control. He just drills down. It's powered by his own plastic fuel so it's very ironic. So he's proud but he's yeah but he's facing his certain death. Wait so you're saying like I could just like crush a three liter of moon mist and then throw it in my tank? A three liter? No he has I got places to go. They have three liters in France.

Kind of. He has a chamber where he breaks it down. Yeah. It's a total novelty. It's like, imagine drinking this much soda in a month. It's like, hey, all right, three liters. Right. And I'm like, I'm saving money. Americans are like, whoa, happy Memorial Day weekend.

Yeah. The euro is up, but this three liter's going down. And then I just stand outside with my shirt off in the heat. It was really hot today. It was like 87 degrees. I'm just crushing a moon mist over the course of an afternoon. That'd be fun. Three, yeah.

It's so bad you missed soda. You think it's their three liters over here. Oh, dude. I've been wearing... You's there three liters over here. Oh dude, I've been wearing uh, I oh You know what I drink over here I got an orgena today because it was hot and I was out there in this insane Filson shirt that was I it's one of these like bass fishing shirts You know like we're supposed to wear it while you're while you're standing in the river and you this kind of thing

It's a pockets for hooks. Yeah, it's made of nets. It's literally all nets inside. If you get desperate enough, if you lose your pole, you just get in the water and hope that some fish get caught in your shirt. Yeah, exactly. It's like swim trunks for your body. Yeah, you just unbutton it

and then you stand there with your net clothing and then you collect your meal. But anyway, so as soon as I got outside, I was like, brought this I brought this Shirt specifically for a hot weather day Can't wait to bust it in Get out there. It's immediately a fucking wet t-shirt contest It looks like I'm about to wash someone's truck to raise money for the softball team. The netting's shredding your nips?

No, because the netting's in the back. It's on the back of your body. Up front? It's like wicking. So, like, it's not so much that it keeps you dry, it's that it keeps it cooling you and away from you. I mean, I don't know if it was wicking or peagan, but I did want to pledge my allegiance to anything to save me.

That's hot as hell for, it's not even June. Oh dude, it was so hot. But dude, I bought, I got those pants and I've been out there in the pants, but today the pants also got all wet. I just looked like, I looked like a problem today. I looked like I was a leak in society and I needed to be plugged. It was not, it was not good.

But anyway, guess who came to my show the other night, Nathan Lund. Hmm, completely random guess or Zach Mama? No, no, no Someone you'd like to see at the show someone that I haven't seen in a long time Yes, last from the back mama was co-headlining with me on the show We did luckabelle and it was packed look abele or whatever like it and uh, I kept telling zach I was like, hey man, thanks for setting this up. Uh, Yeah, yeah, obviously you can go second, you know only makes sense. It's your show. They're all your people

He would be like, uh-huh. Yes. Yes, very fun And I was like, you know, and then when Terrence came Terrence Wong shout out Terrence Wong Him and my mom are both from Cleveland and also both Chinese Yeah I'm benefiting off the I'm benefiting off Terrence Wong's shiny his lifestyle out here. Wait, I have a headline me on two shows. I have a guess. Was it our magician friend Arno the most interesting man in the world? Brother? You know it was it was? Yeah. Whoa. Dude. Without talking to you, did he just show up?

Without letting me know. I haven't seen him since. Cloud of smoke, puff of smoke, and then he appears, just always on. Dude, and he has a new... How do you remember him looking when you saw him? Short hair, short beard, little cap. Do you remember a beard? I don't know.

I don't remember a beard. Anyway, he looked like he was in disguise. He said that he was often in disguise for his... Dude, magician, card player, backerat champion. Backgam at champion. Backgammon, French national. Yeah. I asked him about Baccarat. I was like, has that really been solved?

And he's like, no, no, no. Anyone who says that they are winning money, they're not winning any money. If you're winning money, you don't say, Hey, I'm winning all this money. I figured out how to fuck you. You say, thank you for the money. You're very, very tender. You're very tender. If you're winning, you're tender. He was awesome. So yeah, he shows up and he's standing behind me. I'm there with Zach Mama and Zach Mama's cousin who's a hundred somehow. And he's just sitting across. He's just sitting there like rocking. Dude, if you saw this guy you would call

Somebody found one yeah I got one over here You're gonna want to see this Yeah, we got a gray alert He was this guy this was Zack's uncle or cousin. It was his cousin. Yeah. No, I mean, he wasn't an alien.

Is that what it is? Well, you said a gray. Oh, I meant like an amber alerts for kids. Oh, silver. Silver. Thank you. Very good. I've been gone so long.

Over there, it's gray. Yeah. Yeah. But we, I mean, anyway, so then Arno pops up behind me and he's like, he's like, Sam, how are you? And I was like, I had no idea who the fuck he was. And I was like, Hey man, how you doing? You know, I'm very nice to people. And I just kind of stare at him. Cause if you stare at him, that's when they decide, do they want to keep it up or do they want to walk away? You got to let him choose. Get him talking. And he, and he went, do you remember me or no? And I went, no fucking way. And I stood up and gave him a big hug. So we're going to dinner tomorrow night.

Awesome. And I want to, I want to get him on the pod. There's no way he'll come on the pod due to his interesting life. the pod, there's no way he'll come on the pod due to his interesting life. Is he still up to all that, all his old tricks? Okay. I bet he has many new ones as well. Well, but also how worried would he be about like our random ass audience? Maybe he prefers the Patreon so that there's less publicity, less exposure. Patreon so that there's less publicity, less exposure. There's tattletales in there. And if he is still just fucking cranking the handle of the money machine, I doubt he's

going to want to come on and tell all... He can wear a disguise that he's getting ready to retire. Yes. No, we should do it. So on the next episode, we're going to have a guy on who's going to have a disguise and I'm going to be like, by the way, everyone, this is not Arno that we talked about at length on the previous free episode. He's dead.

He passed on. He rolled the dice and God called snake eyes. So yeah, but dude, do you, I hadn't seen him since. 2019. Whatever, no, since I did the Will Smith thing. Oh. Yeah, since I was a human table at one of Diddy's soirees. You were, wait, he was in Vegas, you shot that in Vegas and Arnaud was out there?

Dude, I would be one of the worst human tables at a sex party ever. Well, there's a lot of room. I know, but if I had snacks on my back, I'd keep trying to eat them. I'd be on all fours, but like... You remember the classic try and bite your ear? That move? Yeah. I was picturing when a dog can balance the treat, you'd be trying to like kip it over. Yeah.

Hump it. Yeah. But there's no way of getting the snacks unless, I guess you could be on one arm and try and reach up, but then you're only grabbing whatever's on the side. Like if that's just cauliflower, then you're just getting cauliflower. Yeah, that's nothing.

Yeah, yeah, you can't dip it. God forbid you just get like, dude, have you seen these charcuterie plates now that have like a pea pod on them? It's like, what the hell is that? I'm a goddamn dinosaur, I don't want to eat chlorophyll. So I would be a bad one. Yeah. And also like, obviously I'll eat food off the ground, but like if you were going to try and pop up and spill it all off of yourself and eat off the ground like a dog, I don't want to. Cause then they're going to charge you. They're going to charge you

if you dump it on purpose. So you have to make it look like you're getting tired, so you're shaking and a little stuff comes off and it's like, well, might as well eat it, right? You don't want it to just sit there. That's the issue. It's a sex party. There's loads everywhere. Oh, as soon as I hit, there's no five second rule. Yeah.

Yeah. You don't eat off the... It's a millisecond. You also don't eat off the ground at the glue factory. You know what I mean? Everything's sticky, yeah. Yeah. And't eat off the ground at the glue factory. You know what I mean? Everything's sticky. Yeah. Yeah. And you can see the hair. You can see all the hair in the puddles. Yes. Oh, I mean, hey, here's a question. Let's say you may know someone who was at a ditty party. If that person told you.

Mudflap. I would gladly out mudflap. He was there. Yeah, I mean, he was flapping. He was flapping swa. He was a table. He was a cat. But if you knew someone who was at it...

When people wanted piss, they tapped his dick. He was in a kegerator. Listen, he was in a kegerator, right? So that his body temperature is... The floor is yours, sir. His body temperature is... Becker's taking a whippet. He can't just listen.

He has to get fucked up. Actually, now that you have big tubes, you can smoke twice as much, right? It doesn't hurt ever like it did once in a while before, so that's nice. You're unstoppable. Big tubes, bumper clot. Big tubes. You got the hyper lube now. Man got big tubes.

But yes, you have a kegerator. You have, you take the keg, the actual keg out. So there's just the hole. That's where the dick is. You mud flap, if you're a mud flap, you get into the kegerator, close the door, your dick's out, somebody taps it, you piss. They drink your piss. If they tap you, they get to replace you with the next kegerator, human kegerator. Peggerator.

Oh, you get fucked. All right. It's like a glory hole kegerator free use situation. So would you then, if you're the tap, that means you're the penis in the kegerator? Milk, milk, lemonade. You have to be a freestyle. Somebody presses the button for piss, you pee, somebody wants jizz. Well, sir, I'm not going around the corner with you because I know what they make around

there. The fudge would be harder to figure out without modifying the kegerator. Now fudge would be a fun thing to play with. If you ever play with like Velveeta cheese, like the cubes of cheese, Kraft, the government cheese. You ever squeeze that up in your hands? Becker? No, not in my hands. I've like cooked with it so I've cut it cut the big log into little pieces. Well, I'm just saying if you, if you got it, you could play with it. It would turn brown with your

hand grease. I don't know. I played with it as a child. I never ate it afterward. That would be nuts. Yeah, right. But, uh, you knew where you had to spend. You're like, this is not eating cheese anymore for, for right now. This is project cheese. Well, that's what got me thinking about this kind of thing again is we had some cheese and it was a cheese I'd never seen before. It was some kind of like strange brie, like spongy camembert. And I just found myself like squeezing it and squeezing it. Manipulating it. Yeah. It was a very nice tactile experience. I think fudge would be a similar experience. If you could stop yourself from eating it long enough, you could explore

fudge. I know that I sold a lot of wink, wink, nudge, nudge, I'm a little fudge judge records, but I've never been that big of a fudge man, honestly. Oh, I love fudge. It's good, but there's better confections. I'll take a maple fudge, I'll take a vanilla fudge even, but your regular chocolate fudge, slow your horses. What about this? You what? You gather up a bunch of fudge and cheese for me to manipulate, not eat. You send it to me in the mail.

I pay you via cash app. That's right. Making money move should be easy. That's why there's cash app. It's organic app It's organic you can cash out me in France. Well, probably I mean well, what can't you do? It's the best way to send receive and transfer money to your family and friends you Brother you nailed it and then I biffed it right away So all I want to say is Excelsior, you lubricated yourself much like you were hiding in a big barrel of sunscreen. And now here you are emerging three months later. Go ahead. You don't even need a bank account to get started. Thank God. That means it's for everyone. I'm not allowed to have one. Right. This is for the real people on the fringes. I bought too much fertilizer and old Uncle Sam says, hey, pump the brakes.

No more brakes for you. Time to go underground. I hope you have a drill. That's where I live. Exactly. That's where I am. I'm drilling deeper and deeper into the underground economy and Cash App could be a part of that exploration.

No. I'm spelunking. I'm absolutely lost within the labyrinth that is the dark web. And I am so tired of taking Monero payments. This could be a hangup for some people because you do need to enter a phone number or email address. So you need one, but not both. And then you're good to go. So one out of three. Now this can be, can it be the phone number at the library that my PO calls me on? Domino's, yeah. Wherever you hang out, wherever you can be reached, I think.

Can it be that guy at the bus stop who lets me borrow his phone? As long as he's around and you know where he's at most of the time, I would imagine you could get a couple of transactions. He's often at the bus stop. Yeah, I see him. We nod to each other and then I'll say, hey, I got to call my sister. He knows what that means. We both need to call our sister and we'll do anything we have to to call her.

Heroin. That is girl. You can even spice up your payments with custom text, stamps, and backgrounds. I mean, come on. What? Yeah. Cash App is fun and easy. That's what I like.

Just like your sister. I've often said the worst part of sending $3,200 a month to my landlord to live in that 800 square foot apartment is that I can't spice it up with fun backgrounds. Yeah, but the lady painting her fingernails. Throw that in there. Cash app is the official payment remittance platform of Latinos. I'll say that. You used to say it.

I have that data. You used to say it often. I have that data on my phone. They're branching out. I can show it to you. I can corroborate it right now. If I go to my Cash App, I don't have it downloaded because I haven't been doing any business in America, but I'm going to amend that right now.

But yeah, if I looked at my Cash App receipts, it's it's it's the fine people of La Raza You've used it. You love it. It's not just for the la gente. No. Yeah, they're expanding. No, it's also for La Hentiles That's right. Cash app is so secure that if you're about to send money to a sketch account, they'll alert I don't know who I am. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing You've been in the trip I've even in the chair too long the captain I've been spinning around too damn much. I'm so dizzy. I'll never be still Yeah, so I really I really I need to be secure and if cash app can provide that for me It helps to help not get bent over and fucked in your butt, which is yours biggest fear It also helps you buy tamales unless you want unless you want to yeah the other the other big

guy the other big guys aren't looking out for you like cash out fuck you Venmo hell no PayPal what am I doing am I buying fucking comic books on eBay in 1999? No, I'm in the streets. I'm doing business. I'm standing on it too with the Cash App. Okay, for a limited time only, new Cash App users can use our exclusive code to earn some additional cash.

For real, there's no catch. Just download cash app and sign up. Use our exclusive referral code chubby in your profile, send $5 to a friend within 14 days and you'll get $10 dropped right into your account. Terms apply. That's money. That's cash app. So, I mean, what the hell?

They'll be back. We're going to get in big trouble for that one. No way. Way to go guys. Emmy's calling. Should I answer? Put her on speaker. Emmy.

Emmy. You're on the pod. Hey. We're on speaker. Emmy. Emmy. Hey. You're on the pod. Oh. It's the free one. It's the free one. Be cool. So you're going to be hearing yourself soon.

Okay. I don't listen to it anymore. Yeah, right? It's literally your favorite podcast. You told your mom that last week. No, it's not. Ew, no, I did not. Yeah, you did. And she said, maybe I'll listen. And I said-

Suze listens. Yeah, she hit me up. Maybe I'll eat a gun. I never said the words Chubby is my favorite podcast. All right. So now we're lying on the pod too. You're going to love this episode, Emmy. The Cash App ad is going to go down as an all-timer. All right. Well, I'm going to bed. I just wanted to say good night because I've been trying to get a hold of you all day. Oh, yeah. Right.

What is Sam been doing? Airplane mode? Love you. Emmy, I love you. I'm sorry. Bye. Bye. All right.

A little, a little happy ending at the end. Hey, whoever hates it when I have nose sniffles, I'm sorry. When I start laughing a whole bunch, I get the sniffs and I'm going to blow my nose now but... Blow your nose. ... aware of it and I'm trying to do better. I'll get to this second ad read. We've got...

What? We've got Father's Day coming up.. Yeah. Yeah. I've been waiting for this. It's only a hassle for one of us. So shut up and blow your nose so that I can read it. Mute yourself so you can blow your fucking nose. I gotta get in there. Oh, you're done. Oh, good. Yeah. You talked while you blew your nose, which isn't technically possible. Quit setting me up, man. You know, if I see meat on the plate, I'm going to take a big old bite. I might get a little drool on it, but hell.

You have, you've been hanging out with old Duddy. Oh, I've been immersed in Duddy culture. Well, let me tell you this. If Duddy is still walking around with a wallet as thick as a paperback, it's time to get him an upgrade. That's right. This father's day, snag him a Ridge wallet. Anything would be better than what my dad uses as a wallet.

What does he have? Which is a, guess what it is? Do you want to guess what my dad keeps his, uh, his ID and his credit cards and all of his money inside of? Voter registration card from 1972. No. And Becker also, rubber band would be a step up. My father, go ahead, keep going.

What about, he has the Ace of Spades and the King of Hearts and there's a paper clip that keeps them together. Yeah, it's a bunch of stuck pages from Easy Writer magazine. No, it's a little pouch with a zipper on top that's made of leather. Old Crown Royal bag. To remind him that was the last bag that he ever chugged. He used to pour the bottle out into the bag and he drank out of the bag.

Oh yeah, he was the king of the racetrack. He wasn't a jukebox hero, he was the jukebox himself. He was the king of karaoke. Devastating Dave. He didn't dress up like a toilet, he dressed up like a jukebox himself. He was the king of karaoke. Devastating Dave. He didn't dress up like a toilet. He dressed up like a jukebox. Yeah. He wasn't a total perv.

But hey, you can still get a cold one on tap, if you know what I mean, out of that jukebox. It was the first jukebox slash human piss keg. And my father, that's how he'll be remembered. What does he do is my dad my dad My dad has a little pouch with a zipper on top like a child might keep their tickets at an arcade in He got it in Ecuador and he'll show it to me every now and then and he'll go. Mm-hmm I'm supposed to go very good dad. Yeah, you have a you proved us all wrong for making fun of you two years ago.

Yeah. Well, now Ellen's here and she's dressing him in all of her dead father's shirts. So, my dad's walking around looking like- Tommy B's or what? What are these shirts? No, no, they're nice. They're cool. Bodega.

They're Italian. He was an Italian guy. He was also a long-haired swarthy man and Now my dad's wearing this other large-haired swarthy man shirts whilst Sharing a bed with the daughter He's the perfect so what's what's yeah, she's loving it. It smells like her favorite person Ridge wallet, I've been excited. I just talked that through on here and now I'm eager to hear about the Ridge wallet. Well, you should have gotten one.

I guess you're never home. You're always in the drill. So you don't know about this yet, but I've had my Ridge wallet for a while now. And I'll tell you what, I haven't been home in fucking this 40 odd days and 50 odd nights. Finally, this whole fucking thing has paid off because I needed to get out. I got two bad wallets a couple Christmases ago. My wife won from my mother-in-law. They were both not-

They didn't talk about it? No. No one said, hey, what are you getting, love? The old double wallet. Yeah. The old double wallet gambit. And this is- Your life is so fun.

This is when I have basically what I thought was fine for a wallet, which was practically nothing, small little leather. I didn't want leather, but it was all they had at a Target eight years ago. So didn't need the upgrade. Should have gotten a Ridge wallet ages ago. God, I'd be a different person. I remember your insane wallet. I remember it.

It was... It was too big. It was the only... I think you had to have it prosthetically though, right? Because it was the only way you had a butt. A butt, yeah. For me to be able to survive any real stretch in a car or plane, I needed two wallets and I got them. Ridge. Now I'm Ridge for life because Ridge Ridge wallet is the sleek minimalist wallet that holds up to 12 cards and cash Without adding an ounce of unnecessary bulk his back pocket. Well, thank you. We're back to talk about your cards up to 12 and cash Holy shit. It's nuts. That's a fifth of a magic the gathering deck. Imagine having 12 credit cards

six library cards and six debit cards Every time I go to Kohl's they keep signing me up Imagine having 12 credit cards, six library cards and six debit cards. God, every time I go to Kohl's, they keep signing me up. Capital One is up my ass. Literally. I signed up for a Kohl's card. You hear about this? Kohl's Cash?

Yeah, no, I signed up for a Kohl's card last time I made a bunch of shirts, all those shirts we sold in Omaha. And I got, they gave me like 40% off the shirts and they were already half off. So I got like over, I think 124 or more shirts. It was so many shirts for like 200 bucks. That song was bullet. You've done it again, Sam. And then I forgot to pay off the Coles card and it's like a 40% interest rate. So today I get a credit alert.

The reckoning. Yeah. I mean, after what happened at Ross, I swore I'd never go back into a discount realtor, but yeah, Coles got me and I am currently, let's just say my butt's the earth and Coles is the drill. You can't come home. I can't come home. I owe Cole's like $1,300 something.

I'm wrecked. I need this ad money and I'm blowing it. I can't even, I'm hurting myself. Well, yeah, all the better to get this Ridge wallet working for you. Oh yeah, Ridge. It's great, man. You know what also is cool about the Ridge wallet is once you pack all your cards in there, it's a brick.

And if you ever get in a street fight sitch, you can take that Ridge wallet out of your pocket and put it in your sock. You got to roll a quarter. And you can just start smashing rats like St. Patrick. Yeah. You can just drive all the Italians out. Well, and this is what they're... This is... Of Ireland.

This is in the ad read, crafted from... It says St. Patrick. ...premium materials like carbon fiber, titanium, and stainless steel. Those are bashing elements. I heard they made one out of Christopher Dorner's gun. So you can get that one. You made one out of Christopher Dorner's gun. Take the power back. This is a buy it once kind of item and that is not.

That's not true. They make me send it back. It's like, come on, man. I was excited for this one. They're like, no, no, it's like you never had one. They send me a gigantic wallet that sucks and I have to use it. Cause you signed a contract. It's the size. I get totally fucked. It wasn't even me, it was Sam.

They're like, yeah, well, it's hard to tell who's who. So we're just going to go ahead and take yours and give you. We don't watch. We don't watch. We listen. Why would anyone watch? Yeah, it's insane. The files are huge.

It's such a hassle. We're gonna send you a wallet that's the equivalent of a video file. It's massive. It's the size of your new laptop and you have to sit on it like a cushion. Oh shit. Good luck with Meadows, sock. size of your new laptop and you have to sit on it like a cushion. Oh, shit. Good luck putting that in a sock. It, and not only is it a buy it once kind of item, it even comes with a

lifetime warranty, warranty. So it's truly the last wallet he'll ever need. I mean, yeah, as long as it lasts six months. I'm glad they sent me a new one. Uh, cause I, I had one in the past. Cause I think months. I'm glad they sent me a new one, cause I had one in the past, cause I think Cumtown didn't add read form back in the day. And I was like, oh, well, if my friend Nick has one,

I must have one as well. So I bought one and it was really cool. And I know exactly where it is. It's in a drawer in my room and it's been with me for like nine years now. You made fun of your dad. Don't you often use a little pouch with a zipper? Don't you have a similar?

I have a, I have, no, I have an orange, I have an orange wallet. Becker never forgets. Wallet that zips. It does zip. It does. It has a zipper on it, but it is a leather orange. It's actually, I don't want it's, I don't want to tell you what kind of animal it's made of. Let's just say, not delicious. No. Let's just say it's not a crocodile.

Oh, okay. And it's ridiculous and you should have a Ridge wallet. Don't be like me carrying some dead animal flesh being haunted by it. Yeah. Nothing needs to die for you to put some cards and some cash into your butt pocket. But if you want something to die, you just put it in a bandana and you just start bashing. I'm serious. These things are heavy. No, they're not. That's the thing. They could kill a lot of small animals. Don't make it sound like you can just go out and bash whatever you want. But yeah, I have enjoyed this thing. It's everything you want. It's like you don't

have a bank account or cash, but you do. That's the nice thing. You feel like you have nothing in your pocket and you do. You have your whole world right there. It's wonderful. It's awesome. It's a great prod. I'm supposed to show it off but I don't have it up here. But I could. I could have it in my foreskin. You guys were supposed to give them color choices. I haven't been home in a fortnight. You guys are so busy. You haven't been. Becker's walking around yelling at neighborhood dogs and they're lesbian owners. Anyway, here we are with Ridge Wallet, our favorite new sponsor.

Also Cash App is a sponsor and we love them. Allegedly. By the time you hear this, who knows? With over 50 colors and styles available, no matter dad's style, there's a Ridge Wallet for him. That's true. They got a bunch of different color options. So get in there, Becker.

You can be sitting on air. Right now, just in time for father's day, Ridge is having a huge sale. Get up to 40% off your order at ridge.com slash chubby. Just head to ridge.com slash chubby to find the perfect gift for dad or yourself. Support the show and tell them we sent you. Give dad the upgrade he deserves this year. My dad's dead, Ridge. Can you bring him back? I don't want you to, so please don't.

Does Ridge have a wallet that doesn't hurt your butt when you're sitting in a field screaming? When you put it inside of you? Because that one would be a good one for Becker's dad. Because all I really know about him is that he sits in fields screaming all the time. Not all the time. Not enough that it's a thing.

It's a new thing. Just when his restaurant service is a little bit slow. Watch out. You want to see Gideon's, shit. I can't remember what the, Gideon's trumpet. Dude, I went to a church today that's in my book. Oh. Yeah. So that you're not lying.

So you can't be called a liar talking about shit you don't know shit about. Well, shit, dude. I thought I was going to have this second draft done before I left, but I got like, what is it, 47 more pages left until I'm done. So which is good. Which is crazy. You got to be happy. Right. I'm very happy. But also I'm like, you know, like my dad wants to go to the Monet Gardens, which is like a two hour round trip train thing. But it's the gardens that Monet painted. And it's like, well, why wouldn't I go there?

You know? But also I need to finish this book. But anyway, I went to this church, man, and I learned all about St. Stephen. You know about him? St. Stevie. Yeah, yeah, St. Stevie. The patron saint of keeping it sleazy. No, I don't know anything about St. Stephen. You're a bibliophile, right?

Wait, you're a different file. He's a birbigliophile. You can file that joke under Evergreen. Spicy. But anyway, Saint Stephen was the first martyr. He was the first martyred apostle. And I read Little Stevie. Yeah.

He played saxophone in Jesus's band. Yes. Little St. Stephen. He was the apostle with the dew rag on. You might remember him. He was the apostle who was in the Sopranos. Oh dude, Michael, last night at the, sorry, last night at the Knicks, Paster's Knicks, they showed Michael Imperiali, they showed a scene where he's in a neck brace on Sopranos

and then they show him sitting in Madison square Garden and he got a fucking road warrior pop. It was awesome Oh, yeah, but yeah people lost their minds. Oh, yeah Did you see what Pat McAfee did he got in trouble I know that he talked some shit Yeah, well, he's they were in Indiana and I guess they come up to him and they're like, hey man We need you to pop this room before the fourth quarter. So he's like, all right, I know what to do. And he's like, Indiana, we got a bunch of New Yorkers in the house tonight. Ben Stiller is here. Timothy Chalamet is here. Oh, Spike Lee is here. Yeah. People started putting their fucking ridge wallets in their socks.

Yeah, but then he's like, and let's send them back with a loud fucking, or with your ears ringing. He swore. He said, fuck and shit. Whoa. I didn't see that. I got to see it. Oh yeah. Yeah. He's, uh,. I got to see it. Oh yeah.

Yeah. He's, uh, he's, he's, he's, you know, he walks the walk. He probably got a sting pop for all that. Oh, it was big. Sting in 91. Yes. I love you measuring appeal to an audience in various eras of wrestlers. Pops, baby.

Stone Cold 98. That could have been Pat. Yeah. It could have been Pat. Yeah, it could have been Pat. We're going to have a very exciting NBA finals between a team from Oklahoma City and a team from Indiana. Just the real... The teams are good, but man, as far as sexiness, you got the bombing and you have... What? What's happened in Indiana? Michael Jackson's dad beating the shit out of the Jackson five. Oh Man, that's rough. There's not a lot of They should have

Because they need so they need some recognizable people. Timothy McVeigh hologram. They're like, hey, we got a bunch of old footage from before we killed him. We could show him on the jumbotron and we can make it look like he's in the stands. Yeah. Yeah. The lights go down like Undertaker. And then you just hear, ba dum ba dum bum, bad company, I can't deny. And the lights come up and it's McVeigh and everyone's like, yeah, yeah. He takes the mic and he's like, Oklahoma City. Let's blow these Pacers up like 183 kids.

And then they have, in honor of Michael Jackson's dad, they have a glove that makes people flinch and then he has to do battle at half court. He has to do battle at half court with a tiny chair. Because if anyone's been to the memorial in Oklahoma City, you know there's a bunch of tiny chairs there. Yeah, let Mc there and they come to the game. They are not for taking a load off. What was his buddy's name? Maybe that guy's there.

Terry Nichols. Yeah. Maybe he's at the game. Yeah. No, he's, he's dead. I think, I think they're both dead, right? Yeah. I mean, yeah.

Didn't they kill both of them? I mean, McVeigh was probably lauded in prison. He was probably whoa big man I'm on wood, baby. I'm on wood. They gave me the chair It was electric That was pretty good That's the best thing that's happened on the pod. This is maybe the best pod we've ever done. It's a crazy one. Yeah, I know.

Yeah. Wow. How many of those of you have been trying to sneak past the goalie? No, no, no. You've been getting away with. I didn't want to, I wanted it to be picked up without bringing the microphone down to my butt. And so mission accomplished. I figured out the, figured out the drill. I've been in the lab with a pen and a pad and I actually got the damn label off. You're going

to have a tough time getting those undies off. I'll tell you what, it looks like your butt's been experimenting with cheese. Oh man. Well shit, that was fun. That was a good fart, man. I haven't been farting or really going number two at all. Plugged up again. Well, I mean again, hell. Just being over there, you're still in that same,

oh yeah, you still got the light bulb, so you still have the weird, is it the weird toilet? Is it the introduction of the mom and Duddy's girlfriend, new mommy? Ha, ha. You know, she's really nice. Do you like her? This is the free one.

She's a nice lady. Yeah, that's a lie. I mean, no, it's not. It's not a lie. She's not boring. I do like her. She's not boring or dumb. Does she have some cool stories from her youth?

She's super cool. She's just nervous because she wants me to like her a lot and it's making it like... Because you're super moody so she doesn't know what to do she's on eggshells cuz you you keep glaring at her because I keep looking up for my laptop yes I keep looking up and going yes what what is it like this what do you mean? You'll never be her. You see this? This means not welcome. I'm going to fall out of my chair. That's the only way I can top it. The fart. You have to throw it away either way. Holy water to clean that thing up. Oh yeah. But St.

Steven dude, by the way, the holy water in the, in St. St. Etienne du Mont was filthy. The holy water was like brown. It was really gnarly. I don't use it of course, but I looked at it and you saw it and you're like what the fuck Why would it be real and gross? You can't you can't change this out once a month. This is F'd. Hey God the filter Where are you not here little pool filter got all clogged up with cigarette butts So it looks like shit get some koi fish in that thing do anything. It's all yeah, it's all full of zins so it was that thing. Do anything. It's all full of zins. So, this guy was killed because he said that God didn't live in the temple and that God was everywhere, blah, blah, blah.

God's in the rain. But really what he said, really what he said after doing a little more digging, because I just read the plaque there at the church and then I came home to fact check it before I put some shit in my book. And you decided to do your own research? Yeah, yeah. I had to get to the bottom of this It turns out the Catholic Church pretty messed up, but Yeah, what he said was is the Jews kill he was the first guy to say that Jews killed Christ

That and then they all and then they all stoned him to death. He was like the first anti-Semite of any note. Shut up. Shut up. Yeah, he tried to get that out there, sneak it in. Yeah, yeah. He was like, God's not in the temple, he's everywhere, God belongs to us all, you guys did it. We all need to look outside of the church for God.

You know who I'm talking about. Even then people were like, hey man, watch it. Playing with fire. But yeah, so he was like the first, and now antisemites think he's cool. Because he was, yeah, he's a patron saint of telling it like it is in some people's books. Hey, in my book, he was trying to warn us. We didn't listen and now we're all getting fucked. Yeah, actually, if you, if there was a statue of St. Stephen at the church, but his face

was, his mouth was wrapped in caution tape. He was worried about getting canceled. Ricky Gervais. Yes. He had the mic stand over his shoulders like he was being crucified. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Becker, you went in on this. It's a pretty easy riff.

I'm good. You guys are having fun. I'm enjoying it. Come on. We got one minute, Becker. Take us up with one of your patented hot riffs. I got nothing. Oh, Becker, us up with one of your patented hot riffs. I got nothing. Oh Becker don't say that.

Yours are you, you're hearing sounds you've, you've never heard before, right? Yeah. It's really nice. So Kevin, great. Yeah. And you could have done this at any point. You just didn't chose not to. Yeah.

If you didn't have that painful invasive surgery, you never would have heard Lund's fart. It wouldn't have been as good. Every Rose has its thorn. Oh, Indiana. Yesterday that sounded really cool. Got what? I got caught in the rain yesterday and that sounded really cool.

All right. I could hear it like all, it wasn't just like white noise. You were able to kiss the rain. I could hear like, it sounded like when I was like a teenager again. I didn't realize I'd lost that. You had eardrums donated by an old romantic and now you're just sitting in the rain. Yeah. They vacuumed the rest of the blood out yesterday and on the drive home, it was like, all right, cool. You know, we let you talk and it always ends up with someone getting blood vacuumed out of them.

Becker, are you coming to Eugene, Oregon with us? I wasn't planning on it. Am I? God, I don't know. That'd be fun. I haven't seen your ass in a while. We're going to. Yeah, we're going to be together.

Australia, New Zealand, like that same week. Oh, okay. Couple of weeks later. Or you guys will be. Yeah. But yeah, Eugene is June 12 week, aren't we? Oh, okay. A couple of weeks later. Or you guys will be. Yeah, but yeah, Eugene is June 12th, 13th and 14th at Olsen's Run. Is that right? Yeah, yeah.

We had fun up there last time. It's a good, yeah, it's a very good room. Not owned by Raytheon or whatever conglomerate. Black Rock presents live comedy. Yeah. Glomerent Black Rock live comedy Yeah, that's a guy what the guy was like the first dude to ever skateboard while surfing He was one of those kind of guys It was like he invented hang gliding and he was the first dude to ever do the Shaka outside of Hawaii He was like he was that dude. Yeah, he was cool

Remember that there was like a super drunk guy there who just stood up at one point and was like, I'm you. I was like, no, you're not. And he was like, what? I don't remember that guy. I remember having a good time. I'm glad we're going back and we got to track down. We have to try to sit down with plastic diesel boy, the diesel man and keep him safe.

I don't know if he wants to, I don't know if he wants to, I don't know if he wants to broadcast what he's up to. Like Becker said, there's going to be a bunch of, he only does like very public displays now where he invites like a lot of PDA. Yeah. We, a lot of people listen to this. Yeah. We've got to get the word out before it's too late. Don't we want to shout out in London? I got to get this turd out before it's too late. Oh yeah. That kid, that kid, the young man who showed up, the botanist in London who came

to the show and bestowed upon us a jar of flowers. Hit me up. I think your name began with a J. In fact, I know it did, but I don't want to out you too publicly. But yes, reach out to me because I might be returning to London and it'd be nice to visit your flower shop. Yeah, call him Lily Bloom because he's got some flowers for sale. Oh, fuck, Lunn. You didn't even tell us about Casper. No, that'll have to wait for tomorrow. In the Patreon, join the Patreon to find out about how creepy some of the people were to me and Pat and Casper. How many ounces of Hello Panda cookies did I eat on the trip?

It's more than you think. Oh, shit. What else? Yeah, no, it was a good trip, but yeah, it was a wacky, it was, it was old school because we're going places that are, that are the top of the mountain, the S tier clubs and rooms that you have built. This was back to 2015. Take what you can get.

Just glad to sell a couple of hats and get out of there. Uh, bid me pay me. Yes. I did 50. No glove, no shove. Counted the tiles. Uh,

a cash app, hat sales, a cash app, chat slash Ryan, uh, being weird and knowing that he's being weird and apologizing, but then continuing to be weird. Yeah. Okay. Well, hey, join the Patreon. You'll hear that episode.