Chubby Behemoth - Wig Pig

Episode Date: May 24, 2022

Involving Your Foot. Trenchtown. Put Away The Belt.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Okay, get on your side. This probably isn't going to work. What if it does, though? We have to be like this, right up on it. Is this... No. What? It's too much you.

No, that's straight up. Alright. Look at the thing. Alright, you talk. I'm talking. It feels like I'm too far away. Maybe not, though. Is this going to be sustainable for an hour?

God, anything's better than that torture chair. Yeah, and then outside you just have the... It's bumping. Yeah. I mean, it's just a city. Just the sounds of a city. Yeah, but fuckin' it's tough when Scarface is selling albums out the

trunk right outside the window. That's just H-Town, baby. That's what happens here. Four floors up. Yeah. What if we went on the patio and then I could smoke cigs? No way. It's so hot out there. Fuck that. Yeah, but we could get a Sweat going. It'd be like a Schwitz. It'd be like a... Iitz. It'd be like a...

I will shit my pants in fury. It'd be like we were in a sauna. Do you want to get in a sauna? Oh. Oh, do you want to get in a sauna with me and have a schnitzel? Jesus. Oh, nice. Good. Mike Jones just pulled up. Stop shooting one another,

Houston. God. it's just a city of blood here and some crips one blood there's some latin kings out there raising hell there's got to be several uh street gangs represented in a city this big i mean what it's the uh a lot of corners up for grabs oh yeah a lot of boys out there trying to make a hot dollar trying to flip that white into some green daddy let's stick up boys yeah a lot of pull up and shoot before you think with the finger on the trigger no and then our eyebrows We are doing this episode, so we have an Airbnb, and the bedroom has two beds right next to each other. It's like when we were in Milwaukee. We were in a hotel room. Yeah.

We got to look at each other. Well, it's tough when the first thing I see when I open my little pale green eyes is your giant expanse of your white back. Yeah, hell yeah. Yeah, I just see you over there. It looks like someone's making subway dough. Oh, look. King Kong is about to scale this building. Look.

But he's taking a nap halfway up. Yeah. He took off his monkey suit, and now it's just a fucking shaved panda body. You do have a very ursine body, and I like that. Ursine? Yeah, that means bear-like. Bear-like bear like yeah we were just talking about king kong no he was a bear he was part bear part gorilla well i mean i think that in the community he identified as a bear gorillas would be bears in the gay community

for sure well i mean dude what's gayer than trying to take a woman and show her the city that's all he was doing. He's like, oh my god, look, you can see the Empire State Building from here. He was dishing. Yeah. He was spilling tea. He wanted to go somewhere private and gossip. This is rough.

I think we didn't have Ian Aber on. We just say all this. He's like, I'm out of here. See you later, guys. Ian's in town. We're in town. Yeah. It's like, I'm out of here. See you later, guys. Ian's in town. We're in town. Yeah. It's too much sexuality in town.

Ian and Payne. Yeah, Payne and Ian. Very good. Name dropping. Payne dropping. That's right. Yeah, Payne had 15 ginger ales last night oh hell yeah yeah because he doesn't drink but he's all hopped up on ginger ginger ale is pretty cool ginger ale was carrot

tops favorite beverage it was until he stopped consuming calories yeah and just started pumping iron yeah how does he get by no ginger i don't know your riff was that carrot top likes ginger ale because he's a red because he has red hair yeah that was oh no that's where we're at yeah dude stop recording now this was your idea no you wanted to lay down well we just blasted a hot pod now we got to follow it up with another one kill me now yeah i don't have any other fucking stories i gave all my a material on that one yeah tune into the patreon that's a good one this one it's a free one it counts as a pod yeah so shut up everyone just fucking shut up right now i'm so tired of your shit uh well your idea was to do 20 minute bits after each of our three shows and i said i'd rather kill everyone i love no it would be okay

but we would need like a separate green room that would be quiet like it wouldn't have been easy to pull off i think it would have been frustrating it would have been totally easy dude we just sit in there for 20 minutes no here's what we'll do this one will be the precursor all right oh so how about that so right now we're laying bed, we're looking at each other. I gotta say, I hate it. Do you? Yeah, my arm's already asleep. Well, my foot fell asleep during the Patreon one, so we're even.

Yeah, and then I fucking slurped it back to life. I blew some goddamn soul force back into your big toe. I played it like a trumpet. And you're back. Yeah, now I feel good. So we'll do 15 minutes here. No. And then we'll do 15 in between every show.

No, that sucks. And then we can give updates. We can be like, that guy in the front row was a total pud. You see that lady, she was hanging them. Lun said the N-word. We'll do all the fucking updates.

No, I don't do that anymore. Not anymore. Yeah. I'm better now. Yeah, you've learned. You've grown. You've evolved. I went to a church camp and they prayed for me and now I get it. Now you're farther away. Well, my arms started falling asleep. I'm on my stomach. I'm frog-legged. I'm tadpole-brained.

You have a wild body, dude. Yeah, fuck yeah. It's pretty cool. All I wanted was to get to six feet tall, and I almost made it. Six foot? That would have been cool. What are you, 5'10", 320? I'm almost 5'11".

Yeah. So that's pretty kick-ass. Len, this sucks. What, talking to me? We're blowing it. No, we're not. This is fun. No, everyone hates this. Let's get into some stuff. What, talking to me? We're blowing it. No, we're not. This is fun. No, everyone hates this. Let's get into some stuff.

What else can we say? What's your biggest fear, Nathan? Nothing. Once I started doing stand-up and doing hallucinogenics, I was like, there's nothing to, I mean, really, who cares is my main thing. I don't, I don't, I used to fear dying young. I'm almost 40 now, so cross that one off the list i made it i could die at any time and i'll be fine with it you outlived your dad i outlived

my mom who cares yeah fuck that we killed them we became gods i also used to be scared of balding early because i did not think i could uh handle that yeah but then once i got good at stand-up i was like well everybody can suck my dick you know like and they do now because i've got a hot 10 they could they would yeah your dick looks like it's been in the bath for too long because it stays wet your dick looks it's humid down here oh my god so it is wrinkly my dick's rankled okay here's what we're gonna do in a backpack you just talk to me until i fall asleep okay how about that tell you a story yeah tell me a story about a young lund out there well so there was a time where i was fingering this woman and she was doing nothing in return

this was like a one-night stand thing i can't even think of oh i can't think of who it was it was a two-night stand there was a second time where we hooked up. But this one night in particular, she is just not doing anything to me. She just wants to get that sweet, sweet digital penetration. And her eyes are closed. She's not responding to me at all. There's like little mm's and ah's, but nothing really to get the ball rolling. So it was like, oh, she wants to get fingered out, and then she's going to leave.

And it was like, oh, she wants to get fingered out and then she's going to leave. And it was like forever. I had to go put in another disc of The Office. And there's like six episodes to a disc. So no commercials, but still. So 22-minute episodes. This is an hour and a half of me just blasting her vag with my digis. And then I like not into it

because I'm like, does she even like me? Or am I just like a human? Am I a vibrator with a dude attached to it? You know, like, hey, sorry, I come with the vibrator. You can detach me and put me under the bed if you want. Oh, we're starting, you know? So I'm feeling used. I'm feeling abused.

And at one point, you know so i'm feeling used i'm feeling abused and at one point you know i look at my hand and it looks like i've just been soaking my one hand in the bath for like hours i'm all pruned up i look like the rope my hand looks like looks like the roadie for the california raisins and so after like forever after all this time of just working away down there, she just shoots her hand down between my legs and grabs my flaccid penis and is mad at me. She's like, why aren't you hard? I bet I know why you weren't hard. You probably weren't hard for the same reason you're not hard

when you're scooping the guts out of a pumpkin. That's right. That's right. It was the same motion and also the same level of like fun entertainment you know which is like medium to low you know and it's like my wrist is goddamn exhausted and i don't have a jack-o'-lantern at the end of the night you know there's nothing to put on my porch i got carpal tunnel i'm like kathy banging away on the keyboard over here. Yeah. So yeah, it was a total shit show.

And that was my closer in 2012. I'm surprised I remembered it all. Lund, you used to drink, right? I did used to drink. And you know why, Sam? Why did you used to drink, Nathan? I used to drink because, god damn, how else could you just survive learning about what happens in the world? Yeah, reading the paper's tough when you're sober.

I couldn't take it. I could not handle reality without a couple of pops. I used to drink until I just kind of started to not worry as much about the troubles in the world. I used to drink until the headline of the day's paper said, Hooray! Yeah, instead of something crazy like, Man Kicks Baby Into River. I thought I could get to do that part. Yeah, you do the good part.

I'll do the setup. I'll take him on the little walk, and then you have a balloon at the end. I always liked that visual. A guy just punting, just drop... Like, not a hard 50-yard punt. Right, like a drop kick. But just a little...

Instead of tossing them in, you involve your foot for no real reason. Yeah, like Doug Flutie. A soccer hooligan. Just a little... A trick play on fourth down. There we go. Yeah, it's almost like you drop...

Or like, if I ever drop my phone, I get my foot out there to cushion the blow. Right, classic. So it'd be like that, where you accidentally... You're by a river. You're teaching a baby what a river is. Yep, you're blackout drunk. And then you drop them, and then you put your foot out to make sure they don't land head first. Right, they don't crack the screen.

After a four-foot drop, yeah. But the foot touch, there's a little bit of a kick involved, and you accidentally kick them into the river. Right, you're wearing some kind of Mr. Gadget boot. Inspector Gadget, if we could afford the rights to it. If I don't want to get sued. Detective Gadget. Yeah. Detective Thingamajig.

Yeah, P.I. Detective gadget. Yeah. Detective thingamajig. Yeah, PI gadget. Our knockoff. Yeah, and you've got like a fucking spring in the tip of your boot, and the baby just hits it, and it's like, it's good. From downtown. It's bad. You're trying to teach a baby that's drowning how to swim? It's infanticide.

Use your arms. Yeah. Four strokes, and then you turn your head. No, not like that. No, you can't even lift your fucking head yet. Dumbass baby. Who created you? Oh yeah, me. Me, on accident.

With that Singaporean whore. You got the bad sperm. Yeah, you got my sperm. I'm talking into my own elbow. Hey, it's me, your daddy. Are we good? No. Oh, it's me. Your daddy. Are we good? No. Oh, this is bad.

Keep doing your bits. Keep doing your old bits from back in the day when you were a sloshed out drunk. What else did I used to do? I remember your big bit was like, why can't we say it? No, I already covered that ground in a previous episode. Why don't you do that bit right now? No, I well do it again people want to hear you say it the dumbest shit i've heard uh i've never done more than doing the pumpkin joke and the drinking joke which you well no i guess i was gonna put both of them on you yeah but i started doing the

pumping joke on my own i'm gonna start doing your bits on stage. No, thank you. Why not? You don't do them anymore. They're mine. They're on my first two albums. You can check them out wherever albums are sold. Sam Goody has them. Best Buy usually has a copy or two. The first album was called Here We Go Again,

which was funny because it was my debut album. And, of course, I have a suit on, and I'm sitting at a dinner table, and the tie is tucked into a bowl of soup. And I'm giving a look like, uh-oh, it must be Wednesday. Why Wednesday? Oh, because it's hump day, the middle of the week. It's like, oh, hot enough for you? All these classic office chatter.

I just made it look like I was a regular working class stiff. That had all your hits on it. It had It's Windy. I was looking at a menu upside down. The waiter's throwing up his hands like, uh-oh, here we go. He's Mitch Jones-ing. What are we going to do with this guy? I'm not getting a tip tonight.

How'd he get a reservation? I mean, food appointment. I did food appointment on my first album. We went to court over it. I had that bit that was like the Native American used car salesman. Remember that? The commercial? Bury my

heart at wounded knee. Sons everywhere! And the camera zooms out to show a bunch of Pathfinders. Right. Yeah, it's great. That was great. That should have been a sketch instead of just a joke I did that walked a woman at the theater that one time. Yeah, it's funny how even when we were drinking a lot, blacking out, whatever, there's so many jokes that are burned into my brain of my close friends. Not that long ago, like a month or two ago, I texted Bobby because I kept thinking

about, oh, the tipping, Christian's tipping joke. And I texted it to him, and he was like, damn, dude, that was like word for word. Yeah. And it's like, yeah, it's in there. It'll never leave. It's like long-term memory. Well, yeah, Bobby, if you would have written a new joke in the 10 years you can stand up probably wouldn't probably wouldn't have been in my head it was form it was so big for me because like i had four years where i started in vegas and i had some like

the lost years yeah well i was lucky to get out of there because uh there were there wasn't going to be a lot of room for me to grow there. Shout out Noma. Shout out Obama. Thank you, Obama. Non-sarcastically, thank you. For that and nothing else. You could have changed the world. You fucking war criminal. Yeah, but instead you just made a bunch of money.

Quit smoking Winstons. Put on some shades. Learned the trombone. High-fived your wife a few times. People said that she was trans. That sucked. It was like the dumbest one ever. learned the trombone. High-fived your wife a few times. People said that she was trans. You're out of there. That sucked. Yeah, people are so... It was like the dumbest one ever.

Oh, look, it's a dude. It's like, yeah, right. Look at her badonk. Just because her dick flopped once on Ellen. It wasn't her dick. Well, it was her lips or something. Maybe it was like they put the mic down there so they could hear her better.

I'm saying it was another dick. Yeah. It wasn't hers. It was someone else's dick. It was her assistant's dick. Maybe it was a ceremonial thing. But yeah, when I got to Denver, God, it was just this exciting opportunity

to get to that next level, second, third level of my comedy career. Featuring for Brant Tobler. That's right. Not getting paid at Comedy Works for seven years yeah and thinking it was and loving and loving it oh it was the greatest thing ever actually loving it uh dude remember when we got bumped up and it was like me you chris brent all got bumped up to almost famous remember that that night yeah and then also bob metals got bumped up yeah but bob Bobby was there, and Bobby thought he was getting bumped up.

And I remember Wendy was like, and our next person getting bumped up, Bob. And Bobby's eyes fucking lit up. And there was like a second between her saying Bob and Metals, where Bobby thought he was anointed a made man. Yeah. And then he went out and won the goddamn contest. Yeah. Which I never did. did no i was always so mad about that you always bombed in the contest i never bombed i always went first did you yeah i went first every time i was in the finals oh that's no good yeah i'd have to go out there and

warm him up after fucking you know shaky hands hippie man he was dry drunk on his way through the host set uh but yeah uh bobby i remember those days fondly i remember them well uh so yeah it's fun to be able to tell old jokes that you heard a bunch all around town i remember the first joke that i heard from bobby was at's Lair, where I was like, this guy's great. And the joke was dog shit. And it was like, this guy rocks. I've got to hang out with him. And the joke was, yesterday I saw a billboard, and it said, your name here.

And I thought, wow, maybe one day, in big, bold letters, Bobby. That's funny. Oh, my God. It god it's funny though this guy's next level i mean it's fine but it really made me want to be his best friend that terrible joke and i told a joke that night that he fell in love with please quit itching your ass no please no we're a foot apart you're laying seductively looking me right in the eyes. And meanwhile, your hand is deep, deep in Trenchtown. You don't know what I'm doing over here. You're welcoming yourself to Jamrock. Why don't you concentrate on...

Whoa, hey, you're in the front. Yeah. I was in the back. I was also over underwear and shorts. No, you weren't. I saw it. Uh-uh, I saw the pallid flesh. I will never smell underwear and shorts. No, you weren't. I saw it. I saw the pallet flesh.

I will never smell your hand. There's no smell. Stop. There's no smell because I'm outside of two layers of clothing. Stop. Don't touch me there. Those are my no-no squares. You're, meanwhile, over, or you're under your first layer.

Oh, yeah. I'm literally rubbing myself hard. So, yeah. Why don't you... This is crazy. Why don't you stop shaming me? I had some level of restraint. Whoa, this sucks. Then stop doing it.

But it's new. It's a novel experience. Keep looking me in the eye. If you get hard, I'm going to be pissed. If I don't get hard, you should be hurt. I'm rolling out of here. See you later, Roland. I had a joke that Bobby liked, which was,

why did the South American meat pastry annoy his girlfriend? Because it was like empanada, yada, yada. Wow. Yeah. That was a joke i used to do jeez no wonder i didn't want you in the fine gentleman's club yeah no wonder you didn't want another cool fat guy who was younger and hotter than you to be in your crew of turds taller if you would have been shorter i've been like yeah sam's great yeah instead you're six five i'm like no i don't know if he's right for this crew he's got his own thing going with roger norquist so we should probably leave him be agreeable feelings he's a free agent me and roger had that joke band yeah like took denver comedy by storm for three months we did opening night at comedy work south

what yeah with george lopez oh maybe it was like the opening it was the first talent night first new talent night we headlined it that's agreeable feelings and the only song we had was i fucked your sister yeah i remember that song yeah it was kind of fun i fucked your sister maybe i should tell you now i fucked your sister maybe i should tell you how we did it in her bed. We did it in her head. Okay. We did it in the sheets until they turned red. That was a song we did.

Yeah. And people were like, this is the future of comedy today. Wendy Curtis, Deacon Gray. Yeah, right. They loved it, dude. We used to get seven minutes at Comedy works when everyone else got 4 and 5 we wore berets I remember seeing that

act a few times and I was like they're not selling it at all right because we were red eyed bong ripped out we were so high all the time that was the key. That was the key

to almost blowing it and not looking like you were having fun at all. Like, oh, we're detached. It's ironic. It's like, shut up. You just wanted to smoke weed. And you're blowing it. Right, and we had one song. We did it for like a year and a half.

You're not committing. You're like, less is more. And it's like, well, you have to have something for there to be less. Those were the days, man. I remember winning the Squire bar tab and getting slammed and then maybe sexually disappointing a girl

at a fucking pool party that you would sneak into. That was the thing. Win the bar tab. You're the best ever. Go and sneak into that was the thing when the bar tab you're the best ever go and sneak into a pool oh god bomb howard's here he's about to skinny dip bail yeah fuck they're all gonna see his massive piece we gotta get out of here yeah and then bomb howard whip it out and there'd be like three girls on him and it'd be like well i'm gonna go home and whack it in my group home i'm'm going to go call Roger and Kvetch. And Dish, like King Kong style.

Yeah, I mean, comics in Denver, you don't know how good you got it now. I was like John Henry. I was racing the train so you guys could get on stage more often. Racing the train? He was building the tunnel. He was racing against the hole maker. He was racing against a steam engine that could make its way through a mountain faster than he could. Oh, but it wasn't a train.

It must have been some kind of steam-powered drill or something. I think the train was on the drill. I don't know. All right. What, I'm an expert in black folklore? Let's explore that. The train... It was John Henry versus a train in a push-up contest.

Yeah, in a hot dog eating contest. John Henry won because the train didn't have a mouth. It was a technicality, but it was celebrated for generations. Sorry, they're celebrating quince de mayo here. Quince de mayo! A quinceañera on Cinco de Mayo is like quince de mayo. It's a train's 16th birthday outside right now. The train's wearing a sombrero.

Oh, you weren't outside last night. I wasn't! Well, you were a bunch of times, but one time you weren't, and I was talking to my wife, Megan. Creech. You guys know her as Creech. Yeah.

She didn't change her last name, which I think is cool. You're not hurt by that? No. Okay. Who cares? I do. As she said... I like the patriarchy.

Well, yeah. You own her. That's right. Yeah, you wrote a contract. Your whole thing is a competition, and you take every win you can. Yeah. She's a doctor, so you're far behind, yeah uh you know she's a doctor so you're far behind but then you're like yeah but you got my name so i'm a doctor too look at me i'm dr talent yeah you're like i'm also i'm mr dr emily talents but yeah as i was talking to creed i'll do an abortion i don't give a shit it's easy i've seen emily do

it on a papaya enough you just make them spin around real fast right yeah baby gets dizzy yep and kind of slurps its own uh fluid yeah you make them eat a bunch of heartburn medication you buy from ecuador and then spin them around on a tilt-a-whirl and then they puke up the baby uh but yeah i was fucking talking to creech and i uh one of those like three-wheel cars went by like those weird looking spider looking things i don't know there's three wheels not eight but otherwise it looks like a spider looks like a spider that got tortured by a young sociopath yeah and it went by blasting the loudest music i've ever heard like i couldn't believe how loud it was and how clearly you could hear it you know like the the greatest sound system man has

created so far it was insane and i was like hold on creech there is a the fuck oh there is a fighter jet level of music going by so anyway music loud, you're really bringing the hits. As soon as I started, I was like, loud music went by. What the fuck are you doing? Whoopsie. You're 100 years old. Episode 2. Yikes.

Judgment day. This is our Fletch 2. This is Fletch Lives, everybody. Well, I think now we're going to answer some questions you guys have been asking. Oh, good call. Yeah, the mailbag is full. Why didn't we bring... We checked.

We paid to check the mailbag. Yeah, I don't know, dude. At DIA. I don't even know why or how, but we brought it with us. We might as well get some mileage out of it. Mm-hmm. So, listener WizardTip416. You'd think he would have done 420, but I guess he couldn't get it.

He asks, why does Lund rule and Sam sucks? Oh, this is a good one. I'm surprised you picked... No, this one sucks. I'm surprised you picked this one. This one's bad. But hey, you're impartial. Guess where my phone is.

You're impartial. Are you scratching your ass with your phone? No. Ugh, why? I'm not. You have fingernails. I'm not, too. I don't have fingernails.

Oh, I do. It's pretty cool. Come over here and itch me. I never have. And I'll tell you, the one good thing about COVID is that I chew my nails less. Oh, dude, I chewed all the way through COVID. I didn't give a shit. I was terrified.

Oh, no, I wasn't scared, man. I didn't let the goddamn government tell me how to live. I didn't tell them shit. I was terrified. Oh, no. I wasn't scared, man. I didn't let the goddamn government tell me how to live. I didn't tell them how to live them. Yeah, I think the answer is, you know, I do my own thing, and people respect that. And then Sam is just a complete fraud, just constantly nibbling and stealing little bits of other people and creating a facade of a cool guy. And so, you know, some people see through it and know that it sucks. And some people are like,

he's the coolest. Lone sucks. And it's like, all right, well, we'll see what happens after this life because I'll get the true reward in heaven. You'll be tortured forever by the devil and his minions. Yeah, right. If you go to heaven, you're going to have to hang out with your dad.

My dad's not in heaven. Yeah, right. He's probably up there raining. My dad's straight up in hell. Yeah, right. Riding a Harley. Yeah, he's playing music very loud. He's got the fake bullet holes stickers that were so cringe. It's like, come on, Dad.

You don't like all the crime in the neighborhood, but you put fake bullet holes on your motorcycle. Yeah, you don't like these th crime in the neighborhood yeah you put fake bullet holes on your motorcycle yeah you don't like these thugs as you call them yeah these fake bullet holes were shot at i was shot at by white guys so it's cool yeah what the fuck i got sprayed by ab i said in a different episode i don't know i think everybody might be in heaven i don't think there's a hell so maybe my dad is in heaven but not like the coolest heaven like we get to go to the vip park because we're chill yeah we get to hang out with chingy chingy died oh you're saying once we're dead yeah he'll be dead he'll come up there and play a party for us after the rapture

he gets booked while he's alive yeah whoa that'd be sick you get a you get a glimpse and you're like what if i just stay here and they're like well you'd have to go back to Earth and then die. And I was like, no, I could just stay. I'm already here. Yeah, I'm already here. I'll just cancel my flight back. Right. They fly you back on Spirit.

Back to Heaven. Oh, God. I felt like the woman next to me must have been freaked out at how much I moved around and shifted. I could not. Every two seconds, I would almost fall asleep, and I'd have to move my foot and adjust my bag. Not my nutsack, my backpack.

But I'll bet she was just freaking out the whole time, like, this motherfucker can't just half-die for a couple hours. Meanwhile, I had Lori Lightfoot next to me, and we were just fucking snuggling. She was on you, right? Oh, yeah, and I was asleep, too. We were locked in like a yin-yang.

When I saw her fucking come in next to you, I was like, oh, no, this poor woman. Sam's going to fall asleep on her, crush her. She's not going to know what to do. She's going to be smothered, covered in cat. Yeah, I was really worried about her. she's not going to know what to do she's going to be smothered covered in cap yeah i was really worried about her and then when we landed i looked behind me and she was asleep on you and i was like oh i wish she was bigger so that you would have been able to get a little taste of your own medicine oh i've never been smushed on a plane yeah i'm always the tyrant i'm the warlord in

the sky but i think you must have have stayed away from her against the window because I think she would have let you know. She was a grandma, so she probably would have been like, excuse me, young man. Young man, if you wouldn't mind. You are on me. You're smothering me. I'm a married woman.

We're committing a sin. I wish I wasn't so wet. I'm soaking through my pampers over here. God damn it, son, you have so much raw sexuality. Some people cry on planes. I just weep from my hole. I've been slick with vomit from you sweating on her,

making her sweat, sneezing on her. No, she was cold. She was a little old woman. Oh, okay. I kept her warm. You would have been too much heat. Oh yeah, I was done on that plane. And then when we landed, you yelled at everyone and swore.

You fucking swore at a bunch of people. I said, Did you hear me? No. I was flipped out. You got scared? Yeah, because I thought they were going to kick your ass. Nobody.

I'd have to back you up. Nobody in that line. I would have had to pick that woman up and wield her. Just use her like a club. Come on, Lori. She stays completely straight and erect. She goes bowling pin. Yeah, she was small.

Grandma, form of cricket bat. I would have thrown her like a fucking, like, can you say gypsy? I would have tossed her like a baby in Rome. I'm like, catch. That's an actual move, huh? Oh, they love it. That is a move. A real baby.

I don't know. I feel like we're getting into some bad territory here. That might be an old wives tale. Whoopsie. Gypsy. She was an old wife. I wanted some of her old wives tale. You know, that was hard.

So listen. Here's what happened. There's only been two times where I have felt the need to yell at people on a plane. And it's the two times where it was the most egregious, where a bunch of people in the back were like, we're just going to go up to the front. We're just going to not wait our turn, and we're going to get up there and stand in the aisle.

And it pisses me off so much. It also pisses me off, too. All you have to do is just do, you do one side of the plane and then the other side, front to back. That's just what you have to do. It's one side of the plane and then the other side, front to back. That's just what you have to do. It's orderly. It makes the most sense.

Also, these days, if you want to pay extra to be in the front of the plane, you can. If you care about it so much, go sit in the front. If you take what you can get, which is what I do, then I just fucking sit there. And this is one of the only times where i forgot headphones like a complete moron yep and so i heard every stupid conversation every maskless wonder fucking coughing and sneezing and the one guy that couldn't handle not being in the aisles who's wheezing like a little bitch oh yeah you brought that up i don't remember because when i get on a plane i'm earphones in eyes straight forward normally i don't hear a goddamn thing and I'm better for it.

Yeah. And then I forget them. And yeah, there's a guy that can't remember how to breathe. And you were talking about claustrophobia. It's like, well, if you have that or agoraphobia, you're probably not on a plane. It's not like being in the aisle calms you and soothes you. You're still in this tiny little tube surrounded by fucking the masses. So I don't think it was that. I think he was being a little baby.

He's like, breathing like a dog. So yeah, it was wearing on me. And then I kept almost sleeping, which is worse than not sleeping or sleeping, like that weird fits of waking up and then trying to go back to bed. You were panting like he was. No, I wasn't i was fucking i was having a freak out but nobody could tell good old-fashioned freak out so yeah by the time i it's finally time to get off and i look up and see that there are several people standing in the aisle right next to where i'm gonna try to get out i'm not gonna just bite my tongue fuck that i had to say

something and you said a bunch i said i was very sarcastic oh yeah you guys should definitely go now because you know why wouldn't you wait yeah until it's your time you should just go now because fuck us right yeah you're like fuck us we don't want to get off the plane meanwhile grandma's slobbering on my fucking shoulder like shh don't wakeh, don't wake up, lady. Don't wake daddy. Yeah, this is worse than anything you've seen. Yeah, you were like, oh yeah, why the fuck would I want to get off the goddamn motherfucking plane?

Look at me. Look at me. I'm just a bag of shit over here on the window. Why the hell would I want to get up? No, go ahead. Right after you. I'm just human vomit. I got sassy for sure. Yeah, i'm just a fucking pig fucker over

here well oink oink oink that's me this is what i and i think i've said this before this is my thinking if you wanted society to be like that i we would win we would bash our way out we took whatever we wanted right through force and gum you know whatever you want to call it well you could have gotten up yeah i could have and i would have elbowed you in your fucking face i would have broken your trachea yeah you're a young like recovering meth addict mother of three right and i could just crush you you know like i actually thought about saying oh we're doing this if i would have been in the aisle i would have stood up and shoved or backed people up like barkley on the sixers you would have put your hips into it or backed people up like Barkley on the Sixers.

You would have put your hips into it. Yeah, because, oh, we're doing a Mike Makes Right and a Me First and the Gimme Gimme situation. Fine. And I would have taken somebody's bag, you know, just to prove a point. Oh, you want no law and order? You want to libertarian it up? Fuck yeah, I'll take what's mine. And you can step back.

If there's no law and order, that just means there's SVU. So get over here. I'm iced tea and munch. I'm Finn. I'm Finn to take over this plane. Hey, you motherfuckers don't want to let me? I can't do iced tea. Do iced tea.

He has like a slur. He's super old. No, but he has his ass says, I can't do it. Oh, God, you're doing the grandma more than you're doing Ice-T. She looked like Ice-T. Hmm. Yeah. Who did Ice-T?

Mulaney? I don't know, probably. Yeah. He's a genius, never did anything wrong. Perfect human. Yeah. No, I just remember you, I was like, well, this does suck, but I'm not a fucking weirdo, so I'm not going to yell at everyone at 7 in the morning. Meanwhile, you're like, oh, yeah, go ahead.

Why the fuck would I want to be off the plane? I love it over here. Look how much room I have. I should probably go last because I'm such a pussy. Yeah, this fucking rocks. Yeah, no, it's whoever wants it more. Yeah, it'd be crazy if I just started banging my head off the window, right?

Doink, doink, doink. They're all like, God damn, man. Go ahead. Yeah, you were like, That's what I would have done is I would have started growling. If I was on the aisle, but I'm not on the aisle

because I'm not an idiot and I sit by the window, I definitely, I've done that where people are trying to get by and i stand up and use my big body even though the like no one's getting off yet but when i see people moving off as a defense i get up i stand there i block and then they're like excuse me and i've done the move like oh where are you going yeah six feet from here yeah you're okay you're gonna be okay i love doing that one are you all right oh my god are you okay you're gonna be okay yeah one but you totally wigged no i didn't you wigged out you were a wig pig no i did not i was justified i was timothy ripping someone's head off i was timothy

olivant you were fucking fred durst dude no, yeah, go ahead. It's just one of those days. Let me get to my overhead bin so I can get my fucking chainsaw. Yeah. What am I going to do? Rub your ass raw? No, I'm not going to do shit. Because look at me. I'm a simper and simp.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'll just be over here rubbing my pussy. Because I'm a little baby girl. Wah, wah, wah. No, you guys go ahead. I'm going to change my own fucking diaper over here. Oh, no, it's cool.

I just want some more milk. Why don't you kick me into the river while you're at it? I'll drown. One less person on the plane. Don't worry. I'll just be over here scooping the guts out of this pumpkin. Yeah, that was crazy. No, it wasn't crazy. was no one liked it you loved it

i was literally afraid and i was covering up grandma's ears afraid of who the fucking 45 year old with half a mouth of teeth who has to go get a diet coke real quick for her sugar fix fuck her and then there was like a dude you know small guy like anybody who's big if they stand up right away i usually know it's because they're hurting they've been in they're a little sore whatever like it helps a lot for them to stretch their legs but almost everyone that's like normal size you're just being impatient oh dude and you're acting like you're a fucking genius oh i know what i'll do if i immediately rush up i'll fuck over a bunch of people and I'll win. And it's like, no, you're a fucking bag of garbage.

Yeah, there was three 17-year-old boys who were in that melee. Oh, yeah, you have to go jerk off. You already did it twice on the flight and now you need a third. What, you got to go play Pokemon Go in the Houston airport? Yeah, Brent Gill does that. Goes for it? He gets up and goes. Well, I hope we're never on the same flight, because I will scream at him in front of everyone.

Yeah, we're not ever going to be on the same flight as him. Yeah, I don't open for him. He's not opening for me. No. I mean, it was a Spirit Airlines flight, though, dude. Yeah, the worst of the worst. That was, I forgot how it's a rolling freak cage through the skies. There's no rules up there.

That's why it was so bad. That woman hissed at me like a feral cat. Yeah. She threw her baby at me. I didn't catch it. No, she did take your wallet back. I know sold it. She still got my wallet.

It bounced off the window. That's fun to think about you not catching the baby i know sold it yeah oh i know that you dodge the baby you know the game yeah if i catch it it's mine don't touch me i'm not raising this thing i'm not a fire station yeah that was another thing i would do back in the day when a joke wouldn't hit. I would say, oh, that joke's less than three days old. I can still leave it at the fire station. Yeah, that's a good saver. People would be like, what is he talking about?

Yeah, that's solid. My opening joke the first time I was ever on stage was, wow, there's a lot of pretty women in here. I'm glad I wore my good flannel. People lost it. I crushed the first time I was ever on stage. Second time I crushed, too. Third time.

Not a summer. Not a summer. It wasn't a good. Oh, that's a little stinky. Oh, I made a big blast. I pooped my pants. Oh, that's a full diaper. Oh, I'm a wet and a round.

I'm a brown town. And the last time you were on stage, you pooped the hotel room. Well, no, the last time I was on stage was last night at the Secret Group for the Midnight Dirty Show, where we all bombed. God, that was... We had one great show at Rudyard's,

the fucking show at Secret Group, the 10 o'clock was great, and then we stayed for the Midnight Show. Why wouldn't we? You have to say yes, it's an honor and a privilege. He 10 o'clock was great. And then we stayed for the midnight show. Why wouldn't we? You have to say yes. It's an honor and a privilege. He asked us, he was like,

please do my show. And I was like, only if Lund can go on. And he was like, let me think about it. He just got buried by Huggins. Shut up. So yeah,

we stayed and I mean, you walked on and made some insane Sadie Hawkins riff that no one got. No, no, no. I forgot. People, write in. Comment. Write in. Yeah.

Send a self-addressed stamped envelope. Yeah, COD. COD. Call of Duty. Cock on dick. To, yeah, Chubby Behemoth headquarters in Roanoke, Virginia. And weigh in on this. Sadie Hawkins, the woman asks the man.

Which is true. Or the girl asks the boy, really, because, you know, you're practically a child. Yeah. But where I come from, you also wore the same outfit. I don't think that was the case for Spring Reverse. But Sadie Hawkins was in the fall. What the fuck is Spring Reverse? Another dance where the lady asks the boy.

You had two empowering dances? Yeah, hell yeah. Oh my god. But Sadie, I think, is when you wore the same outfit. Now, if that's not a thing... This was in Henderson, Nevada. It was a thing in Las Vegas, Nevada. As far as, like, I went was a thing in Las Vegas, Nevada.

I went to a dance at a different school once. You got asked to a dance at a different school? Yeah. I never did that. How many high schools were there? There was Elizabeth High School, but then there was Kiowa. The girls would come to our dances from Kiowa High School. Because they were hot?

Well, because they were easy. They would come in and they'd always get busted drinking Seagram's in the bathroom and jerking off J.R. Harris. J.R. got busted for getting cranked like three different times. And all the girls were like, he's such a pig. And all the guys were like,

to only have a day in J.R.'s shoes. He's the coolest. Well, yeah, so let us know, because Sam acted like I was making something up to fuck with him. Well, I didn't. The crowd was like, what the fuck is this ape talking about? Oh, yeah, no. I think that there was a pretty good...

I don't think it was dead silent. I think some people knew exactly what I was talking about. Same outfit for Sadie Hawkins. I don't think so. There was two guys both wearing the exact same Astros jersey in the front row. And they were definitely nodding off. It was a really bad time. They liked it.

No. There was also that couple that was doing the Pauly thing. Yeah, you tried to be sweet. You got off stage and you're like, Hey, Sam, the couple right up front is Pauly. And I was like, what? You were trying to set me up and I appreciated that. And then I went out there and just called everyone a rapist because it was the dirty show.

Yeah, you're like, oh, yeah. It doesn't mean like swearing a little bit or talking about sex. It's definitely sexual assault based. Yeah, yeah. Let me say everyone in here is Fogel from Subway. Yeah, no, it was fun to have two good shows and then just fucking wear the leather. Well, we got that one out of the way, and now all

three shows tonight will be Rippers. Yeah, no way will the 11 o'clock on Saturday in Houston be a bad show after I've already done two 45 minute sets. I'm sure I'm going to have lots of energy. We didn't have a... We actually didn't have a bad show in Milwaukee and Eau Claire. They were all good. We haven't had a bad show in Milwaukee and Eau Claire They were all good

We haven't had a bad show in a long time They seemed kind of out of it What do we do? Do we laugh? Do we jeer? Do we throw out the first pitch? Like when's the national anthem? Am I George W? They thought they were at a baseball game

Now you're at a comedy show Is this a 7 minute stretch? The woman was like, now you're at a comedy show. Is this a seven-minute stretch? Woman was snapping, which is... She was slapping her thigh. Oh, that's... She was a pro wrestler. Yeah.

Whenever she would laugh, she would go... She would also snap. Oh, she snapped too? She agreed with something. She slapped when she was laughing. Huh. Yeah, she snapped a few times,

and you encouraged it. You were like, hell yeah, sister. Yeah. She was like goth. Oh, yeah. She was like a goth DJ. She was wearing a bra and a crazy pair of boots.

Yeah. Yeah, it was real hot. She was by herself, which is always like... She kept putting her fingers in like a Y by her mouth and then sticking her tongue through them and winking at me. Whatever the hell that means. You mean a V? No, it was like a Y. Why is it a Y?

It's literally a V, and you're like, oh yeah, there's a little tail at the bottom. No, it's not. My hand is the bottom of the Y. No, nobody's ever thought that. It's a V. No, it's not V for victory. It's Y for yes, please. V for vagine.

Oh, is that what it is? I'm so fucking stupid. Yeah. I never knew what that meant. It's a V. This is eating pussy. Right? Yeah.

Oh, my God. She was doing that? Yeah. I thought you were joking. No. Whoa. Yeah, she looked at me, winked, and went... And I was like, yes, please.

I'll have what she's having, which is me in her mind vagina i'll have me damn shout out to jake cosden he fucking bombed worse than us he loves the pod sweetheart yeah funny guy but i mean no one had a good set on that one but jake really got piped. Yeah. Well, that's too bad. I had a good time hanging out with him. He lived in the Bay and New Orleans, two of the best places that you could be if you have enough money to survive. He's from the Bay and he moved to New Orleans and kicked a black family out of their house.

Now he lives there. He said it was train hoppers and they were white. Dreadlocked. White. Dreadlocked. White R white ross the worst white yeah the worst of the white the most unsavory whites yeah they were doing patois eros to mine uh when time the next train be coming because i need to go slap a bass guitar in the town square i need to fill up another jug with gasoline so i can huff on the way to Houston, baby. I forgot which jug had the wine and which jug had the gasoline

and I drank the gasoline. Yeah, now my bicycle's full of the wine and I be cyphering. He wanted to put gasoline in his bicycle? Yeah. Oh, no. Dude, there was a comic in San Francisco who, when David was starting out,

God bless him, but he was like one of the worst comics ever. Name him? No, no, no. Why? Well, I don't want to. Okay. But he hosted the first Mike I ever did in San Francisco, and he had a joke that was like, Yeah, you know, I want to kill myself, but I'm so incompetent I can't even do that.

The other day I swallowed the bullets and filled my gun with oxy. That's pretty good. I mean, it was fine. He had a set that he posted online to get himself booked and it was at the Purple Onion. And his opening line is, What's up, Purple Unlin? What?

Yeah, he posted this set like, hey me i'm this is me killing and the very first thing he said was what's not purple unland i don't even understand why he fucked up the word onion he said it wrong yeah he said the word wrong i thought there i thought there was intent there. This isn't Chinese math. Like wordplay. No. He biffed. What's up, Perpen-un-lo? What's up, yellow cabbage? Fuck. That's pretty good.

Oh, no. What have I done? This is actually how he talked, too. Hmm. I don't know who you're talking about. I know you don't, because you were never exposed to him. Okay. Yes. But I was, yeah. His friend

owned a smoke shop near David Borey's apartment at 1234 Capital Ave, right there in Ingleside. And we would go there and just do whippets, and people would come in trying to buy cigarettes, and the guy who ran it would say leave me the fuck alone.

No Lucys? No, people would come in and be like hey you guys sell bongs and he'd be like get the fuck out because we're in the back just ripping balloons those were the days yeah they were also maybe we should edit out one two three four capital f because david's old roommate still lives there who cares who cares it's all right. Send mail there, guys. Send some glitter. Yeah. One time we went to sneak into the botanical gardens.

Wait, are you talking about the guy who got mad and dumped his girlfriend because she broke a bunch of glass in his apartment? Yes. And he was mad because he wanted to be the one to do it? Yes. God. Yeah, send him whatever the fuck you want. Send him a box of nails and a timer. Yeah, he broke up with her because she smashed a bunch of bottles in the doorway of his apartment. She was hot and she was like, I wanted to do that, dude.

She was hot and seemed nice. She loved comedy. She was normal. And then he got mad at her because those were for him to break yeah to fuck with his landlord and he kicked her to the curb yeah yeah ruined the only good thing he's had going for him in years yeah the only thing that was redeeming and keeping him from the grave yeah the love of a partner uh-huh keeping him afloat and he was like dude get the fuck out of here dude you blew it dude you could have had me forever

i'm a catch we were supposed to break them and she was like together and he was like no you were supposed to watch me break them yeah those were my smashing bottles dude how dare you one time in front of his house we were all smoking cigs And a guy pulled a knife on another guy Well no A guy pulled his belt off To fight a guy And he wrapped it around his fist And then the other guy pulled out a giant machete

And the guy with the knife said Put away the belt bitch Put away the belt bitch And the guy with the belt looked at us And was like put away the knife What are you doing the guy with the belt looked at us and was like, put away the knife. What are you doing? Well, I don't think he can say shit. Well, I mean, he was about to get knifed.

He had a belt versus a knife. And we were just sitting there, stoned, drinking 40s, like, well, I guess this is growing up. Another day in paradise. Damn. Dude, San Francisco was the most fun when I had zero money. That was the spot. Because we would all pitch in we had a bunch of codeine for some reason we would just eat ribs from chinatown and smoke cigs and go to the park and trip balls yeah hell yeah little luke lockfeld was like 14 years old the first time i ever hung out with him and he hooked us the molly and there

no he hooked us the mushrooms and we went and tripped in the park wild yeah oh man those were the days i couldn't hop a fence you couldn't have a fence to get into a pool in denver i know that yeah i also couldn't hop a fence to get into the san diego zoo so i got arrested in the zoo because i kicked it down you think oh the noise was the alert to security? I'm sure they had cameras. You would have been busted no matter what. Well, I kicked down the fence after two of my friends hopped it. And my buddy J.R. Harris from the previous Wackoff fame, great dude. Got whacked off while scaling that fence.

Well, no, he didn't go in. But Clay and Bonzo went in. And they had, I've told this story in the pod, haven't I? I don't think so. Maybe. Probably. We've done like a hundred now. Yeah. Anyway, we were like in the back of the zoo and people were where they feed the lions and shit

and we were like, we're in the zoo, this is great. And then some guy pulled up on a golf cart with a bunch of zoo pigs, not like wild boars, like police, and arrested us. I feel bad because I think I've told this story. God forbid. God forbid I repeat myself. God forbid ten seconds has been heard before.

Hey, look guys, we want to give you great content that you're quivering for. But hey, sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it's a re-quiver. Sometimes that's what people want to hear. People yell Hot Pockets at Jim Gaffigan. It's like, uh, okay? I'm like Jim G yell Hot Pockets at Jim Gaffigan. It's like, oh, okay.

I'm like Jim Gaffigan. We're both Jim Gaffigan. We're all Gaffigan now. I have to keep sitting up to burp. Five kids. I ate that meat and I feel terrible. Oh, it was so good, though. It was so good, though.

Yes, Guigua. It was good, though. You went Guigua thinking about meat. It was really good. So shut up. You shut up. I'm so tired of your shit. Oh, no.

People are getting off the plane before you. Shut up. You like to say you're the voice for the voiceless. I was literally your voice. Yeah, you were for me because I was still asleep. I spoke up for you. Yeah. Sam, wake up and get this.

You did it for me. Yeah, I should have filmed it. Fat fuck goes feral on spirit flight. Idiot complains about other idiots. Hey, go ahead, get off. I'll be over here fucking myself. No, it's cool. Get out there.

I'll see you out there once I'm done reaming my own hole. That's all I deserve. I'm just a dickless pig. Oink, oink, oink. Let me eat your scraps after you get off before me. You were yelling this all in a woman's ear, by the way. No. She kept flinching.

And you were like, what are you flinching about, bitch? I'm your hero. She was tiny. I'm your champion. She wasn't where my head was. She was below. You were standing up somehow, too. No, I was sitting. No, you were up. I was sitting. You were raised up and everyone knew it was you and you also had a mask on which is fun.

You're raised in hell, you're rip-roaring but you're also cucking your own ass. Yeah, that's what the mask means is I'm a little baby. I had a mask on, too. I don't want to get COVID. It's the literal least we can do to ensure that there's some amount of precaution on a fucking plane full of people going in 180 different directions. Oh yeah, I'm not wearing a mask when I'm in a giant club packed with people. I'm only wearing a mask when I'm in a tube filled with mouth breathers.

It's a Spirit Airlines flight. A lot of those people were born without social security numbers. They were born in caravan parks. It's a bunch of gyps. Yeah, I'm glad. That's the only Spirit flight we have. We're never doing that again.

We have a Frontier. We have a Southwest. Frontier's fine. Frontier to Austin. They're merging, though, aren't they? Yeah, so great. Ree and Tard are merging to form one word. The Gwees and the Gwoes are starting a new airline that's worse than anything you've ever seen. Hey, have you had a nightmare?

Well, then we're bringing it to life. Front Rear. Featuring Spirit. Yeah, that's going to be rough. That was the perfect flight to remind me to burn into my brain. Bring fucking headphones. I don't know what I'm going to do to get home. You should just bring mace.

So you can spray everyone down. Everybody gets this. Yeah, So you can spray everyone down. Everybody gets it. Yeah, you just spin in a circle. There was a guy once when we were at a fight at the skate park when I was growing up. And a bunch of like, it was like, you know, the fucking skaters versus like the hicks. And the hicks came to kick everyone's ass and they rolled deep. And this guy was like, don't worry, I got us. I was just watching. I didn't pick a side.

What a loser you are. I didn't fucking care. This wasn't my fight. You lived there. You were at the skate park. Yeah, I was there to watch and get high with Jordan Berry. Oh, watch the fight. I thought you were hanging out with the skaters. Then you're like, well, I'm not picking a side. It's like, you're hanging out with skaters.

I mean, I was hanging out with skaters, but also the Cowboys were my buddies too fight was gonna happen yeah they were like it's a fight today and i was like cool after football practice i'll be there after student council practice i'll be there you know i've got your back not and you didn't yeah but you just grabbed a can of bear just like me on the flight exactly yeah i was like hey guys have fun i'll be over here sucking my own limp dick i probably won't be able to get it into my mouth because it's so little and hairy. Look at my fuzzy little mushroom pud. That's me. That's what I have. I'll be over here not satisfying any woman who's ever let me slip it in. Don't worry. Have fun fighting. But he grabbed a can of bear mace and just spun

in a circle and maced both the hicks and the skaters. And then it was over. He had his arm over his eyes like this elbow nook over eyes and just spun in a circle but he still inhaled a lot of it so he was throwing up it fucks you up oh bear mace is a chemical agent yeah yeah the un banned it at war yeah not bullets though that's why the yeah bullets still totally kosher why don't they ban the bullets hey what's up with the bullet here's something here's something for you un ban murder yeah it's not it's justified yeah you can kill you can kill people for sure as long as they're adult men yeah as long as it's with a bullet or a knife or a grenade. Yeah, a bayonet. But something that makes your nose tickle?

No! That's illegal! That's bad! Bad juju! Mr. Seinfeld, please. You've had the floor. What's the deal with the floor? Why can't I have a wall? I'm on a podium!

Let me get the ceiling! Can I have the roof? Mr. Seinfeld, Why can't I have a wall? I'm on a podium. Let me get the ceiling. Can I have the roof? Mr. Seinfeld, quit riffing on the room, please. Mr. Prime Minister, what makes you so prime? You're not the first. You're not the last. You're not the third.

You're the fourth. You're an even minister. Oh, wait, no. What the fuck? Prime number, I was thinking, was just an odd number. And that is not true. Well, every prime number is odd. Nice.

Alright, so I was onto something. Yeah, you were onto something. I'll figure it out on stage tonight. I'm working it out! I'll figure it out! So, Rudyard, here's the setup. I'm Jerry Seinfeld, and I'm talking to the UN about war crimes. And go. And scene.

Welcome! We do the worst Seinfeld. Yeah, for sure. That's fun. There's enough podcasts out there who do Seinfeld. I had a decent Seinfeld in Humboldt when I had to do the Crushing Roulette's Cheque Herrera show. Yeah.

And they played the Seinfeld theme. I did a pretty bad Seinfeld, but I was talking about that 17-year-old who had him. Oh, boy. Yeah. Yep. Shoshana? His wife. I don't think they didn't get married.

I think so. No, I thought that, too, and then I looked it up, and they dated for i think so no i thought that too and then i looked it up and they dated for like eight months or something and then he married someone else damn because she had him too much yeah died he kept getting smothered she slept on her back yeah passed away at 18 and a half oh well hey guys if you them, or if you don't have them, that's okay. Because what you do have is us. Sam Talent and friend. Sam Talent and guest. Yeah.

And we would love to implore you to rate and review this very podcast, Chubbo Bahimo. Yeah, we didn't ask it every episode. Yeah, we're doing it now to get that, I don't know, that breakthrough to the next level of... We're trying to rip-roar. We're trying to get so much money that we can blow up and act like we don't know nobody. Like Riff Raff. Riff Raff lives here. Never do comedy again. Just pod.

Yeah. Pod Squad. The Oddbod Pod Squad presents Seinfeld in front of The Hague. We could have... Six million? Yeah, right! Right! Where's the shoes? Mustard gas?

Where's the ketchup gas? Where's the relish gas? Where's the Chicago dog? Ruff, ruff, ruff! I'm a Chicago dog! I'm riffing! Go, Bates! I'm a Chicago dog. I'm riffing. Go Bears. I'm a dog.

Pickles. Celery salt. Oh, fuck. We've been talking too much. Uh-oh. Thank God we only have three shows tonight. Then we have to go directly to the airport to fight our way onto a Southwest flight. God damn it.

Anyway, rate and review the podcast, please. And if you haven't, join the Chubby Behemoth Patreon at... Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. Yeah. It's not Bohemoth. I've had several people mention it before bringing me on stage at a show, and they say Chubby Bohemoth.

And it's like, no, it's Chubby Behemoth. Yeah. Fucking learn about your serial killers, you little kids. David Berkowitz as Seinfeld in Fiddler on the Roof. Matchmaker! Make me a match before I kill again! This is not Lover's Lane, it's Lover's Avenue!

You wanna come down to Lover's Avenue And then you get murdered Oh no! You want to come down to Lover's Avenue. And then you get murdered. Murdered. Oh, no. Jesus. We're mental. Don't forget stickers are also available.

Hit me up on Instagram at NathanLundComedy, if you want. Or the Chubby Behemoth Instagram at ChubbyBehemothPod. If you don't follow that already, please follow it. We have more than 950 listeners. We have so many more than that. I don't know if that actually matters. Just join the Patreon. Look, man, I want to get some fucking money in my pocket right now. I want Instagram followers.

It's the easiest path to heaven. It's through... Oh, yeah, it says you from your 20,000 follower throne. It's 21.5. I still can't get verified. So if anyone has the insight... Let's gotta get this pot up. Join the fucking Patreon. I don't even care if you listen to

the episodes. For 20 bucks a month, Lunn will fucking send you an envelope of his own seed and you can do whatever you want with it. Alright? Make a baby. Just join the $5 tier. You get another episode every fucking week just like every other fucking podcast. I know you guys. You give money to Matt and Shane.

You give money to Tuesdays with Stories. You give money to War Mode. Shout out Billy. Shout out Spud. Look, what I want from y'all is to give us $5 a month so I can leave my wife, never talk to my sister again, and just move into an island where I can fuck

kids all I want. Sure, goddamn. I'm just kidding. I wish I could get hard for kids. But. What the fuck? I don't know. I'm bad.

Shut up. I can't help myself. Oh, it's Seinfeld. I'm Seinfeld. I bang my kids. Anyway, Chubby Behemoth on Patreon. Join that thing. We'll be at Creek in the Cave next weekend. Me and Lund after that.

St. Louis at Helium. I swallowed some spit. June 10th, you can see me at Lincoln Lodge in Chicago. We're trying to add a second show. Fucking buy those tickets, Chicago. I gotta get in the shower. Go get in the shower. I'll wrap this up.

The 17th, I'm in Rapid City. Lund Nation. No, not Lund Nation. Don't step on my computer. Pornhub.com slash Quigua. Helium in Portland. The last Wednesday, I think it's June 29th. No, it's June 22nd. Sorry, guys.

Lunges mooned me. SamTalent.com Join the Patreon. We love you. Goodbye.