Chubby Behemoth - Wildfire

Episode Date: January 13, 2021

Comedy AP. The Wrong Story. Phantom Ham Pains.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth. Extra Episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

to crow oh thank god i need you to crow tonight i'm the ostrich my head's in the sand and my glands in my hand i'm about to make some string cheese i've only driven for like three episodes and they were all probably top five yeah they were the best ones people love when you got your hand on the on the clutch more l. Less is more, but Lund is the most. Lund is snore, is what I think. Oh, shit. I was awake,

but now I can see, man. I've been remembering my dreams, which is different for me. Usually I do not remember them. Some of them have been stressful, but I also think that they point to something more. That's like another part of your brain that we don't see all the time. But now and then, you know, you sleep, you don't smoke too much

weed, you don't get blackout drunk, and then you get, sometimes you get to fly. I usually cannot fly, but what I can do is jump hella good. so it's kind of like momentary flight or the ability to like you know spring upwards to the sky you getting off the ground at all is a dream come true yeah my vertical goes from inches to feet and that's enough for me because sometimes when i dream i'm in prison for something i didn't do. You and I both live very terrestrial lives. Gravity, man. You had a joke about gravity. You probably don't remember it, but it was a pretty good one.

Actually, it wasn't that good. Yeah, right. When you produce as much great content as me, you're going to forget some stuff. That one on our Patreon, I thought that Jordan Dahl had this great joke from long ago because Jordan had a lot of great jokes years back and Sam did not. But it was a Sam T. original. It was a Sam T. joke. I didn't need jokes, all right?

I'm like the abstract painter who learns how to paint landscapes and bowls of fruit and then just gets into splattering and painting with their own shit and cum. That's how good I was at painting. I didn't even need paint anymore maynard james pollock yeah you shit blood and pain on my hands is that a tool lyric that is a tool lyric good job no it's no it's a perfect circle you moron tool sucks there was a time at three i'm gonna put my tool in your perfect circle if you don't now wait a minute it tells the story we gotta we gotta figure out the pieces and where they fit now there's like twice as many pieces because we thought tool puzzle and then a perfect circle puzzle with a little venn diagram of little maynard in the in the center but now all the

pieces have to fit little maynard i love that sunday morning comic strip little maynard in the center. But now all the pieces have to fit. Little Maynard. I love that Sunday morning comic strip. Little Maynard and friends. Little Maynard, where'd my pie go? Wait, listen to this. I am. Go ahead.

That was Stone Temple Pilots. I am. I am. I am playing in my band tool. Next week, a perfect circle. I may know James Keenan. I am. I am playing in my band tool next week. A perfect circle. I mean, James Keenan. I am. I am trans.

I am pulling double duty tonight because we because the perfect circle is open. It's a tool tonight. OK, London, you had something good about Three Kings, which for the folks at home, Three Kings was a saloon tavern down there in the Baker neighborhood of the capital city of Colorado, which is a state in the United States, which is in North America on Earth. The tentative United States. Now you're caught up.

You sound like a Wikipedia page, man. I'm unedited, though. You're highly edited, but by a bunch of psychos yeah you say all kinds of shit and there's some facts in there eventually the truth comes out listen i was at three kings rest in kings and i was it was probably like 2010 and i am talking to a couple people i didn't really know. And then I just said, for whatever reason, because it was true, because earlier that day, I thought about it. And I just said to these people, I decided who I think my favorite band is today. And this chick goes, Tool. And I was like, yep. And I was like, wait, does that make me feel better or worse about this decision? She was maybe a freak on a leash.

So I was like, wait. I guess it made me feel cool because it was a pretty lady instead of just like a dude who's like, yeah, fuck yeah, Tool. No, man. I mean, anyone who's trying to instigate a man-on-man-on-woman three-way with strangers' favorite band is for sure Tool. It was a blast. Tool and then Get blasted to tool

two tools blastin her man if you came up to me and my wife tried to get a three-way rocking i would have to punch you in the throat you'd put on tool now if you thought you had a shot with me and old clam jack and emmy who may or may not be dead what i might have fit her face with a pillowcase mask if you know what i mean cucumber slices on top of the pillow yeah the cucumber was made out of concrete and poisoned uh why because she got mad at you for giggling too much last night when she was trying to rest up so she could you know save lives or whatever she does yeah right so she can vaccinate children against their parents will i don't know yeah she's got she's got a wagon full of microchips that she's got to go put in some children yeah jesus no we get along just fine i was kidding it's just fun to allude to

the fact that you never know she's schrodinger's wife right now you guys could never really tell if i had finally done what i've always wanted to do or if i'm just still a coward you know it's tough uh hey what else damn what were we talking about before the whole tool escapade i don't know you came in wanting to talk about your favorite band the only band that makes sense the band whose lyrics have made you lead your life in a more pure way shit blood and cum on my hands man we could we could do our impression of johnny beans 8th through 11th grade oh yeah johnny beans uh who god paid me more than any comedy-based source ever could i'm more bingo host than comic if you look uh at my financials i've said

that about you when people ask like what's up with lun i'm like i don't know do you have a cool bingo to call do you have a bingo that's like uh chicken fried steak themed because he's there well it started with you yeah i know i'm like you then I was like... You copied me. I was like, it's a living. No, you were always gone doing stand-up. And I was like, I guess I'll stay here and cover for Sam and make money. And it's like this last year, how without having to travel and having regular unemployment income, I made more money than stand-up ever could dream. Or as far as take you know a bunch less expenses well you know you should have uh just taught a comedy class not that now you're squawking i mean

i have a bunch of rubes down here that i can i can start with i can i can have them pay for comedy one comedy 101 comedy 201 and then you know ap comedy ap yeah good credits for comedy college uh hey i don't want to talk shit on anyone who coasts you know teaches a comedy class but uh you know well they're probably bad at comedy treacherous rodeo well yeah and uh god i mean the big the big example was louis and Kyle Cease. And when they came through town, you know, it was like, what the hell is this? And then it just, like, became huge. And that and the World Series of Comedy, it was like, oh, yeah, neither of those.

World Series of Comedy is still going. Louis has been dead for seven and a half years. Yeah, but at least with Louis Anderson and Kyle, at least with Kyle Cease and Louis, you know, it was completely a sex pyramid scheme. Like, I can get behind any kind of sex cult, but World Series of Comedy, there's nothing behind it. You know, there's no ethos. Just a guy from Pittsburgh jacking off into a magician's hat. Yeah, it's that guy who helped you move.

hat yeah it's uh that guy who helped you move uh well and yeah the one of the main guys from vegas that started world series of comedy was a fucking psycho half a psycho and just like joe lowers joe lowers okay we gotta have uh we gotta have brant topler on to talk about joe because uh i left before i think i left vegas before the world series of comedy started but it was about to so maybe it started in like 2008 and uh i was like oh yeah good luck with that you know it sounded like a fucking scam and i don't know if it was right away. It was right. Like I am number one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, it's like, Hey, no, very bad at comedy. Yeah. But I think when it first started, it was at least it wasn't so bloated.

It wasn't like fucking worldwide. Thousands of people thinking that they're going to make it based on their performances in, in that, like it got to where it's like, uh, you like, I don't even know what the cap is, but there's so many satellite shows and semi-auditions and pre-finalist semifinals. Yeah, but if you win, you get the opportunity to feature at over 12 clubs.

It's a real game changer. It's a racket. It's a living. That's the slogan for the whole thing. World Series of Comedy. It's a living. With a question mark. Yeah. But a little one, or an asterisk.

And at the bottom it says... Not really a living. Two at a minimum. Not legally living. Have you always dreamed of sleeping in your car in front of denny's in the midwest i've ever wanted it and by wanted it we mean to live in a home uh so yeah i mean it is it is a kingmaker spencer james won and look at him now he gets chicken wings whenever he wants. He's teaching a comedy class.

Night or day or mid-afternoon. He doesn't even have to say anything. He either grunts. He does that thing with his lips. Who does that? Filipinos? Cambodians? Or Hawaiians?

They point with their lips. I don't know. We're all doing it now now and i can't tell if joke about it oh yeah josh he won the world series of comedy well he won the special olympic world series of comedy that was his claim to fame was he was he won yeah i remember i won the college world series of comedy it was an omaha you got to have an aluminum bat yeah it was pretty sick man He won, yeah. I remember I won the College World Series of Comedy. It was in Omaha. You got to have an aluminum bat. Yeah, it was pretty sick, man. And I just caved in Eric Knoll's head.

And that's how I won. Oh, but yeah, you know what sucks is like, if you're a decent comic and you teach a class and you're not charging a lot of money, okay. But if you're a complete, I feel like there's a lot of classes that are like abundant since the pandemic so like the last year yeah for 10 months have where there's classes and it's like get the fuck out of here look man i'm all for scamming spies like that's not taking advantage of widows widowers yeah secret agents um adults or parents of children that they had to bury you know you're never supposed to be able to do that

you're also never supposed to take a comedy class and these people have done both hey are you a man who never assumed he'd outlive his wife did your kid accidentally kill himself with a gun that you were supposed to put on a high-up shelf? Has the opioid crisis struck very close to home? Did your family tree fall over because there's no roots that can take hold due to tragedies, both pharmaceutical and environmental? God, what are you, drunk? No, I'm sober. I'm shooting, brother.

I've been listening to Stone Cold all day. Oh oh good call yeah he's he's a role model he's the man dude he's the greatest american alive or dead he's a lower model we should have dropped him in the capital and just let him fucking fight all those anti-patriots off who knows don't if they were in the capital and stone cold's music hit and he just went in and stunned every one of them oh my god yeah all right now now i'm into it now you're loving it i was gonna say that he would maybe be more conservative but he's not no he's he man ain't no ain't no thing but a chicken string on a wing or whatever he says all the time he calls himself this homie over here whoa this homie over here down at 316 gimmick street i'll tell you what man i went to the store and they had

sharman all right and look i'm a double roll kind of guy okay i'm not trying to pretend like i'm in germany riping with a single ply look we won that war okay so i know what a dollar means okay i know i know the exact worth of a dollar but shit if you give me a bounty roll and it's a little bit cheaper my man i will wipe with that stuff i'm telling you it's a clean pod but i like to stay clean downstairs all right that's just stone cold he talks about different prices at costco yeah that sounds good it's pretty good but yeah look i don't want to dissuade anyone from taking a comedy class yeah good call it's a great you know what i want to be anti-comedy class but i

do love people scamming rubes i do love a scam i'm not gonna say i don't get some money well and if it's if it's uh if it's like not this like crazy complicated system where you're making like 80 bucks a person a pop, you know, for 40 minutes of your time and you're not even like giving them anything, that all can be so bad. And that's like the norm. I think that's the main type of comedy class out there. Or it has prevailed. Yeah yeah because there's a bunch of

grifters that do this because you don't have to be able to sing or learn how to like play the guitar to be able to start like conning simple folk into either letting you perform at their bar and then like giving them 500 because they're going to make two, you know, two grand at the bar and then nobody's there, but they have to make their guarantee, all that shit. Like, yeah, that's, oh boy. There's like no barrier to stand up.

The only thing you need to know to be able to know is like which hole in your body to hold the microphone to. Well, yeah, where the words come out and where the drinks go in. Even if you hold it to your butt, you're still going to get a laugh. You walked on stage and you were like so oh whoops is this am i doing this

right that that's a good bit actually that's my bit now uh what uh oh yeah so we hung up some stuff in the new apartment and confederate flags gadsden flags we got uh swaths we have a gadsden quilt and it says don't thread on me and it's like who is that for you know but uh really well i sent the idea to um one of my favorite etsy accounts and they blocked me. I don't know what that means. If all of a sudden I'm going to see that getting sold by the truckload and I've been boxed out, box trucked out. It's a big old box truck full of my idea making some Etsy lady famous. But we will see. I have faith that

I'm going to get cut in on that you know because i had the idea i'm gonna have the supplies and have no thread no needle or skills so you hung some stuff up your apartment hung some stuff and uh i held on to some random ass comedy posters some of them very good like good ones the 50 first jokes ones where we're video game characters i have that's a good one yep i've got one from comedy room room like an early one like when james draper was like fresh off the boat from oklahoma uh the land boat he remember he drove a boat here uh yeah well he had a boat he towed he towed a boat there it's funny because there's there's two james drapers there's the sardonic one-liner

kind of heady emo phillips makes uh mitch hedberg meets bud dwyer comedian he lives in denver and then there's the james draper from iowa who's a musical comedian who's about 260 and 58 with a full goatee whose closer is a song about sodomy oh okay and you naturally thought of the latter draper no no but i know that uh james draper our james draper was once booked and he showed up and did his like what if a banana was a tomato type comedy, you know? And they were totally expecting the rough riding, straight shooting,

sodomy guitar comic. And it did not work for anyone involved. Oh, damn. Yeah. So it sounds like they need to team up so that they cover all their bases. Yeah. It's a fun thing.

If you have a friend whose last name is Draper, you can call him James D. Raper, and they love it. Yeah, they could co-headline shows where, like, whichever one goes first opens with that. Oh, yeah. I noticed the guy that did the marquee really fudged up out there it's james draper not james d raper oh my god and then the second the other co-headliner at the end of their set closes with it it's the longest possible callback you could have because it spans two headlining sets. And so it packs twice as much of a punch.

I thought you were going to say that his closer is he sexually assaults someone in the crowd. And he's like, gotcha. That's no fun. That's not fun. I don't like act outs. I don't like crowd work. I don't like. You're not against sexual assault.

You're just against sexual assault. You're just against physical comedy. That's your improv training coming back where you think you have to put your fingers into somebody's mouth in order to make an impact. I'm not Ben Roy. Oh, yeah, Ben Roy stole that from you. Hey, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying, you know, you're trying to shit on me and you ended up shitting on the voice of a generation. You used to do that in improv and it wasn't funny

then because it was improv and you were too young the way ben does it there's more nuance i put my fingers in a couple people's mouths it's not a big deal it's kind of public you know it's it's like an old vaudeville bit we pass around everybody knows that gag that came out of missouri so you were hanging up some stuff old posters man yeah and it hit because it's like i don't feel sorry for myself at all because there's so many other things that are very uh sad tragic you know people are scared so like me not being able to get laughs is fine you know like i mostly know that yeah but you were okay with that like three years ago i gave up on regular laughs i gave up on high hopes and coming out with a lot of give me your

energy i went i was full wayman for a while and then that died yeah about three years ago after a year of being sober where that didn't fix anything where it's like oh i'm still here uh tree fort bozer city give me your energy mine got cut off come on y'all oh god that was fun to watch oh wayman wayman was great come on yeah old uh old fun posters 51st jokes we could have maybe done an online 51st jokes but nobody nobody did it we can do it man let's cash in i think it's too late because i've written so many jokes i remember what the first one of 2021 was it was a good one for sure stop playing with your dumb Amish sideburns, please. Sorry, it's a lot of fun and I'm looking at myself

in the mirror and I'm giving myself points to my sideburns. Can you guys hear that on the mic? Like a buck? Like an elk? Yeah, like a guy without a personality who's into craft beer. Anyone who's ever waxed their facial hair should

be in a cage on the border that's how i feel any yeah well anything that's that's a whole lot of work and crafted and stuff it's like come on man you could have been reading something or learning something instead of getting quaffed i don't know get a personality instead of a facial accessory that's what i'm saying oh hell yeah you used to have big old mutton chops but you're supposed to grow not grow them out you're supposed to grow out of them grow out of interesting those expressions yeah well or like i have a beard but god i couldn't care less i don't want to talk about it that was an old joke of mine. Definitely got some headlining

gigs thanks to my beard stuff. But yeah, it's been nice to see some of those old flyers from doing the thing that we devoted our lives to that we haven't been able to do for almost a full year. Except for like, we're musicians now because to do for almost a full year like except for like we're musicians now because we do two shows a month not even right not even that one show every six months

you're like hey this feels good remember this one this song's called wildfire we got a new album coming out in a year and a half so stay tuned but meanwhile let me dust this old chestnut off when i was in uh when i was in high school i was in a couple bands and we played this house party one time and we had a we had like three guitarists because everyone was just in the band and we jam and have fun and we did a set break and during our set break uh one of the backup guitarists named jeff van meter was like hey why don't we just stay up here a couple come up here fellas and we'll uh we'll keep it rocking you know kevin schultz goes and does a whip it in the parking lot and we were like all right well you know he's like what are

we gonna play and he's like i got this i said you know i thought we're gonna play some covers you know hybrid moments or eagles dare 12 times in a row instead jeff takes the mic like a lonely troubadour like the guy from crazy heart and he says ladies and gentlemen it's my pleasure to be here this evening he takes on a weird country accent that he never had he aged 25 years yes for his next set right it's you know he like it's a bunch of 15 to 20-year-olds in a barn. And he says, it's my pleasure to be here tonight with y'all, rocking in the free world. And I'm on drums, and I'm biting my tongue,

so I don't steal his moment. And Clay DeHaan's on bass. And Jeff turns around, and he says, hey, let's play that new one. This one's called Wildfire. and we'd never played this song before ever in our lives uh i don't know what new one he was talking about or what backing band he thought was behind him if he thought he was in front of zz top and he just you can count one two three four and then me and clay just you know fumble our way. Start doing immigrant songs. While Jeff plays Wildfire.

And it did not bring the house down, believe it or not. A song you hadn't heard before? Never heard once in my life. He thought there was an A&R representative in the crowd. He thought Capitol Records was there. That makes me think of that house show in Grand Junction we did where that dude sang Sam Cooke. Yes.

And somebody farted. And you thought that it was me that farted so that I could set up the joke of singing straight to my lover's fart for me. Yeah, I thought you were doing a lot of work. You thought I alluved a fart joke to myself. I was my own two-man James D. Rafer. But it wasn't me.

Somebody else farted. I know it wasn't you. In a tiny little basement room remember it was so small i was like man i really thought it was you you wanted it to be me yes but this poor this poor you know genderless person is singing on stage and someone farted and i start laughing really hard for the next three minutes well yeah and like a 26 year old sang uh in grand junction saying a sam sang a sam cook song yeah that was a toby joint a bunch of 19 year olds come play with us you know any sam cook hey man we need an opener in Tacoma he sharpened his knife and asked the guy

if he knew any Sam Cooke and he was like yeah look brother I'm gonna carve you up like a pumpkin unless you get in the fucking van I'll tan your head I'm gonna wear you as a shawl if you don't nail this Sam Cooke cover

I'm gonna fruit you like a topiary nobody will ever play with you again. You'll only play with me for eternity. We all play down here. It's a stacked deck. This coin's got two heads on it. Give it a flip. He's going to have a couple jokes written about him

as headliners come through the comedy fort and hang out after the show. Oh, for sure. While he while he fixes a light or something and just starts listing off all the assassinations he knows about. Yeah. Chronologically, I could go from best to worst or I could go in order. Look, a lot of people don't know all the different sizes of bullets, but a lot of people aren't me, Toby. Come over here and let me sit on your lap i'm like a little lawn ornament come to life play with me play with me damn it mommy put me in a drawer forgot about me

nobody will play with me The mind unravels if you don't bat it around Like a kitty with some yarn All work and no play with me makes Toby a dull boy Makes my knife a dull little boy. My knife likes to be sharp like my intellect. I remember everything that's ever happened pre and post my death and birth.

I call my daughter daughter. After the Pearl Jam song. Her middle name's Jeremy. Toby. Toby. We had so much fun with him. Remember?

We had so much fun before and after doing his shows. he was the opposite of a grifter where he would go in with no cards and the bar would give him whatever garbage they wanted and he would he'd just be like i appreciate the opportunity i've got my own uh gear i will i will uh i will pay you for the electricity. I know how you figure that out. We're going to take up a couple of watts over the course of the next two hours, 10 minutes. That's right. I'm going to go a little long up top and a little long in the end.

Don't worry. I brought my own generator. All right. I just need to get into the switchboard and I'll have it going here. Here's the deal. You give us each one beer and we will split two entrees. There are four of us.

And we will pay you $50 for your time. And hey, if we don't make anybody laugh, you keep that $50. But if we make everybody laugh, I'll give you another $50. Oh, man. This is what we're missing out on.

It's people trying real hard. Dude, Toby rules. I mean, I love him dearly. Luckily, he got better at putting tours together, and I know he's had some good ones. Yeah. He's got some stuff going. He's got his own beef jerky coming out.

Making his own good powder and money. He lives behind the comedy fort, and David does not know yet and he never will he lives under the comedy fort there's just a little there's a little mattress in the concrete up from the sewer under the stage you get to hear laughs all night long all the scraps i can gum everybody's playing right on top of me shit man we've really seen in his life in so many different ways remember when we hung out with his brother and he was just bullying him the whole time uh yeah oklahoma yeah that was so sad the july oh that was one of the best like here in trinidad i was gonna make fun of trinidad because uh the big truck thing is in full effect like the bigger the truck the better down here and they're like they're doing trucks on trucks there's like there's like

these weird just the biggest trucks you've ever seen on these old cobblestone streets that are built for horses to pass one another you know these fucking giant tanks are just ripping around these old cobblestone fucking uh so that has been funny and in Oklahoma I remember they all shit on the fireworks show while loving the shit out of the fireworks show like every every you know after the

first few minutes they kept saying oh man that was the end man that sucked ass man and then they'd go oh shit and then they'd be enthralled yeah for the next little uh act the next little uh sequence and and then they'd like it but then when it would be when there wouldn't be fireworks for two seconds they'd be like man that was a finale that was dog shit man that was horse shit compared to last year oh shit no that wasn't the

end oh check this out the whole time toby's hidden behind the couch the stars are trying to play with us the whole damn sky is exploding damn it he says it was written he burned down his brother's shed with a firework when they were 12 and 14 and so his brother never let go of it. His brother sucked. Toby rules. I would do a Toby run right now. That's how desperate I am to do stand up.

Yeah, let's do like six shows together where nobody shows up. Oh, you know, it's Sharpie's birthday. And I found that picture of Sharpie. And he said that was from Reno. that picture that picture of sharpie and he said that was from reno and then i had to tell megan how the reno show in our 2011 tour was one of the last ones and i was like oh yeah this one's gonna be good for sure like it was the it was the anchor i know a bunch of people went to college there a bunch of them still live up there we're gonna make some money we'll definitely you know it won't matter whether salt lake city is fun or not because reno will be

good and then we'll do salt lake city and then we'll be home and it was one of the worst shows because four of my friends showed up and 13 or 15 of them were too drunk or hung over to drive or walk yeah you you were the whole time don't worry don't worry it's gonna be the best show old lun's got a big draw out there in reno town i'm like i'm like the toby of reno nevada yeah i mean i remember i fucking spent that i bought new tires for my car i was so sure this was gonna be a lock and then your buddy uh you know roy mccorder and his common law wife showed up and she gave him a hand job at the keno machine and they were the only four like we had so many shows where the people did not hang a poster did not tell any like the staff the regular like

everywhere we went they had some sad ass story like man we had beer yesterday and then today none of the beer was here it was all gone there wasn't no broken bottles it was just gone just nothing we don't have any racks we don't have any uh yeah man it's it's the damnedest thing i don't know how it happened but a bunch of horses got loose in here and just fucking tore the place apart now every fucking spot we went to they're like we didn't know if y'all wanted posters hung or if it was more of like a word of mouth kind of a thing and yeah we thought it was an underground happening man we didn't get a budget a promotional budget from y'all from y'all's uh people so technically y'all owe us 40 yeah we didn't print them but we reserved the right to charge you for the fact

that you didn't tell us whether we should be printing anything or not and i mean it's weird because last week we had this feller in here who paid us $100. And he hooked up his generator and paid for our electricity. So we didn't know if it was one of them things or not. He had a little stage. He had two spotlights, you know, to get rid of any weird shadows. He said, shadows tell the wrong story. He had 40 chairs.

Half of them were comfortable. The other half were okay okay they weren't the best chairs you know but it felt it you could put an ass in them that's the thing the uncomfortable chairs he brought his own ventriloquist dummies that he set up so it looked like it was a full room even though about eight humans were in here he papered the outside the whole neighborhood uh set off several car alarms by firingering 10 minutes after the show had started. And he barked. And when I say he barked, I don't mean he told people outside about the show.

He barked outside hoping that people would come and check out the new dog in town. He got on his hands and knees and he was biting people's ankles. Come play with us. Ruff. We play rough in here. it come on i'm a comedian come on we got wayman we need to get wayman so tobias hosts wayman does uh 10 up top and then me and then you and then erdman closes And then Erdman closes. Shit. What do you got, Becker?

Nothing. You're just cracking me up. Oh, okay. I'm worried that you might be having one. Becker starts swallowing his tongue. You see Kevin Bennett? He stormed the Capitolitol i already brought that up okay good yeah you saw it today what did he say what do you mean he brought it up and you don't know i mentioned a video that i saw which was just him saying that he like climbed a tree and looked towards the washington monument and there were millions of people there.

Yeah, I just saw him talking into a hotel room, in a hotel room in Washington. Talking to a hotel room. He's talking to Toby about who books the room in Yampa. Facts don't care about your feelings. Now let me quote this Bible verse. Now look here, Toby. I know we don't see eye to eye but we both agree on one thing

staying cool and being groovy so comedy is the purest form of being that there is god smiles every time one of us tells a joke and cracks a smile toby would fuck up kevin bennett oh yeah toby like he wouldn't have the part of the gun that has the bullets in it he would just have the the butt of the gun and he would beat kevin bennett to death with it when his van is totally outfitted so that he can do like mobile carpentry and survive any kind of calamity or apocalypse yeah yeah he's making his own he's making his own pikes and batons oh shit yes if anyone needs a baton or a pike for the impending race war uh go ahead what is it what is a pike a pike is like uh it's like a long becker go ahead long pointed stick yeah it's like a bow

but with a pointed end yeah it's like a long it's like uh you know what donatello had but it has like a spear at the end of it it's actually a hook not a spear a bow staff with a little coat hanger at the end yeah exactly so you can get that baby out from 10 feet away around a corner it's bamboo so it breathes yeah uh a rain stick with a nail at one end exactly so you put them to bed and then kill them in their sleep the gentle sounds of rain as you get washed from these streets uh yeah thunder and you're the storm i'm toby kevin bennett's gonna be at like i i am have mixed feelings about not being at the uh where i you where we used to live in denver for the whatever's gonna happen at the capital because i'm curious if it's gonna be total insanity or if because it's going to be spread

out across all 50 states there's just gonna be like 200 people at each state capital wait what are you talking about they're supposed to be like ruckus some ruckus 200 people at each state capital wait what are you talking about they're supposed to be like ruckus some ruckus is planned at each state capital to protest mf ruckus is playing at the inauguration mf doom memorial band mf ruckus is going to play remember mf ruckus yeah yeah you guys hearing these farts that was pretty good but i was kind of talking sorry yeah i wasn't trying to interrupt i just want to see if they were registering or not becker try to isolate and enhance that fart so that computer enhance it gets done justice i don't want to i don't want to silence that deadly so the boys are going to gather and raise a little hell at the

capitol yeah and it was like oh man i man, I wouldn't have gone down there. But it'd be interesting to see if there were streams and if there were. I feel like the cops will not like, like enough of the cops won't like that shit. Because some of them are like kind of the, oh, yeah, good versus bad. And so they're not all going to like be protesters. They're not all going to call protesters they're all gonna call in sick and so maybe there's gonna be some shit going down and maybe i could be yelling at all of the

sides just somebody taste somebody in the balls whether it's your own or someone else's get the get to getting fall off of something attempt some either ninja move or parkour and land on your head. An assassin has broken into the capital and killed Governor Polis with a pike. He released a statement and it just says come play with us. This cryptic

message. Yeah, and then a cipher that he said no one will ever be able to decipher. The code. Come play with with me i am the code crack me i'm gonna play with my all my slaves in heaven everybody i killed will become my slave and play with me forever i got a whole baseball team team. So I might go to Casper Cheyenne for that then. Get out of the Capitol? Yeah, maybe I'll just

go. I won't go to the Denver Capitol. Maybe I'll go up to Wyoming. I'm kind of right in between worlds up here. Fort Collins I think is going to be okay because a lot of the people up there are either doing bong rips or light bulb blasts, and so they're not going to also go try and be a part of any hot action,

I don't think. Yeah, it's tough to storm the Capitol on a mountain bike while you're playing Frisbee, so I think we'll be safe up here. Yeah. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have to put Gordy down, and I'm not going to make it painless. He's driving me insane. What's he doing?

Well, as you guys know, we're in day... What is that? Day 19 of ham world here. It's been in hamity for 19 days, and the ham is on my bookshelf. And yesterday I went to go slice a big old nug off and I dropped it behind the bookshelf. And now Gordy spends all of his free time pulling every book out of the

bottom row of the bookshelves so that he can access this big old dollop of ham. I've got down there and I'm looking it, and I can't find it. So either he ate it, and now he thinks there's just an endless world of ham behind all these books. That's where his ham comes from. Yeah, exactly. He just thinks there's a little hole in space-time where ham comes out.

Or we're both losing it, and I never dropped any ham at all i had phantom ham pains i would think you'd want it pretty bad you're a you're a completist you have so much ham you like to finish what you start well that's nice of you to say but we all know that's not real when it comes to uh most things but this ham i'm gonna eat it all yeah that's right i'm gonna i'm gonna take it out. But Gordy, he's over there right now scritching and scratching, just ruining all my first additions on that bottom row because he wants to get at that yellow moldy chunk.

And I'm going to have to put him in a pillowcase and throw him in the pooter. I'm going to do what that Canadian puppy mill should have done 13 years ago. Up in Lake Ontario. Gordy's Canadian? He's from a Canadian puppy mill should have done 13 years ago up in Lake Ontario Gordy's Canadian he's from a Canadian puppy mill damn I assume I mean he has that uh he gives off that kind of like feeling you know how old is he 13 okay yeah that's that's enough he's had a good run it's enough for a dog a dog's life that's pretty good double digits is good uh pillowcase is fine as opposed to uh your

asshole falls out or otherwise there's that one guy that when i uh i was walking by and his dog looked like he was having trouble i was like what's going on with your dog he's like oh he's dying he can't poop he can't shit no more so my buddy's digging a hole right now and i was like oh god happy halloween it sucked he's like all right come play with us it was like 9 45 in the morning I was stumbling home in Baker. And goddamn, this dog was full of poop, and he was going to die that way. Who was digging the hole? This guy said his buddy was. Oh, man. That's a good friend.

Well, yeah, I would hope that somebody else would dig a hole for you up there. Well, yeah, I'm just waiting for Creech to give me a call and say, get the hole going. Well, yeah, I'm just waiting for Creech to give me a call and say, get the hole going. No, not for me. Oh, okay. For Gordy. Oh, I see. It'd be my honor to dig your grave.

You shouldn't have to end Gordy and put him under. That's a lot. That's a lot for a day. I'm going to throw him out the window of a moving car. Once his mortal coil has been suffocated, I'm just going to dump him out on the highway.

He always liked to dump him out. He did. He loves to dump. Gordy really dropped a pile today. Sorry to cut you off. No. His turd was you know probably i don't know three and a half feet long single coil that's good action for him george mike had a long one today that's funny they were both uh killing it here's what i had to do today this is how committed i am to being a good member of my community Gordy dumped once and I had one bag and I used it you know and then I threw it on the roof of the

church but we're still walking and about 30 minutes later he dumps again and a bunch of kids are playing on a basketball hoop with their parents and they see him dump and I do that thing where I look around like oh I don't have a bag what am i gonna do yeah where did my three bags go yeah oh my god this is the he's this is the fourth one that he's plopped i'm sorry everybody so there's snow on the ground so i picked up a handful of snow and i put it on top of the turd and then i scooped the snow underneath the turd, and I made a snowball from hell. And then as soon as I was out of the eyesight of the kids, I just threw it at the side of a brick wall. I threw it at a bank and watched it smatter, and it was pretty sick.

And then you went into the bank and you got some new checks? I did, yeah. I went in there and exchanged some cash for euros. And just grabbed as many dum-dum suckers as you could. Yeah, just all the styrofoam cups I could fit in my butt. So you, Lund, Nathan Lund, you were saying that you watched a movie last night. We watched Tommy Boy last night. watched tommy boy last night interesting it's very funny yeah obviously it's sad because uh chris farley died rob wait what

still alive chris farley dead david spade thriving yeah living loving laughing um well it was just funny too because i told megan like when you uploaded the video of me doing those moonsaults i was like man somebody could see that and be like my god look at that physical comedy that's money in a bucket i wonder if he could still go 10 years later can he still go you did three you could have done two more and you were hitting the ground really hard that was 10 years ago yeah i can still do it yeah on your 50th birthday in a couple weeks you should you should try and flop one out i'll do a moon i'll be like jack lulane where every year on my birthday i'll do another moonsault. I'll be like Jack LaLanne, where every year on my birthday, I'll do another feat of strength. But moonsaults into a pool or a backyard wrestling match.

Just be the dumbest shit. Did we talk about Rob Lowe's sex tape? No. Yeah, yeah. You did? Okay. You talk about it, I think, every other episode. That's not true. The semi- hub or no it's just i just you know i that quote about it i i didn't know about it so

i've been bringing it up on podcast this week i didn't know about it either but it's from a long time ago right yeah yeah it was the best thing that ever happened to him was banging a 16-year-old on a laser disc. Yep. And he only did four hours of community service. Oh, yeah, Becker Googled all that. Yeah, Becker loves it. Becker wanted to know what the precedents were. It just blows me away that he's like, okay. Now, for everyone wondering, yes, Becker is in a cage high above Earth.

Now, for everyone wondering, yes, Becker is in a cage high above Earth. He is dangling from a cherry picker. And if he manages to eat not only 35 oysters, but also the shells, we're going to bring him down. Shit. Walk it back. You got it. Raw blow. Raw load. 16. walk it back you got it raw blow raw load

sex tape 16 year old girl duct tape space race damn it chutney salsa chimichurri chimichurri

joe blow Chutney, salsa, chimichurri. Joe Blow? Bazooka Joe? Bazooka Joe, that was it. Yeah, Joe Gray. We always bring up Joe Gray. I don't know if people know who that is. I'm sure they don't.

People know. It's Becker's roommate, everyone. everyone yeah one of becker's roommates somehow the less dangerous of the two the less the more reliable of the two yeah nice somehow we we used to work together for an events company you know there'd be a gem show at the fucking i'm like god something oh the the stock was it not uh fucking national western complex the complex yeah well you can see why it's tough to remember it's a complex place lots of ins and outs don't feel bad about don't get a complex about the complex there'd be a gem show, and we would do the pipe and drape. We would bring in the – you know how you'd have booths at these gem shows, at these antique events, and it was mostly a lot of just junk,

just old, sad people cleaning out their garage and bringing it to Denver or Las Vegas know the circuit of yeah of tucson vegas yeah albuquerque sheridan wyoming albuquerque if you got any turquoise otherwise skip it unless you got like an old cannon or some shit uh if you've got a crow skeleton we would work together doing that shit and uh that was all right because he would actually because it wasn't that hard if you just did you know if you did all the stuff you had to do and a lot of comics would show up and just be like what do we have to do and it's like just that just do that 500 times either that or that like either set that up or move that

and then a bunch of them be like all right i'm gonna check my phone real quick like all right go get booked i'm gonna go fucking move these heavy ass plates there's only 1500 of them so we should be done in eight nine hours because it's me and joe gray zeke herrera cheque herrera was a beast man he could just grab you know uh a whole booth and just chuck it into the back of a truck just incredible incredible strength old meat mountain check a herrera i'd rather check b herrera yeah you should have checked him out because uh it was something to watch and then he lost a bunch of weight but like didn't lose any of his strength you know like still got to just chuck shit all over them i don't think it's nice for you to say he lost a bunch of weight referring to

him getting divorced i think that's rude you're telling tales out of school my friend because i was uh being literal you're playing games puppet master style i am i'm toby now you're licking your lips uh we're we're maybe supposed to start doing video i mean one of my friends thought that we could do it so maybe we do uh one of your friend who who was one of your friends my friend my friend katie who is married to landon and she said that uh her family through marriage is related to the undertaker like through her great aunt married one of the undertaker's cousins or something it was pretty cool i think so you're saying that she can get taker on the pod i think we might be able to get taker as a call-in he's not gonna like ride you know he's not gonna ride a harley from uh from the heart of Texas

to Colorado. He's not going to ride one of the four horses of the apocalypse over here? He could Skype in, maybe. He's going to ride pestilence to get over here? What were the four horses? War, pestilence,

famine, toxic masculinity, misgendering. I only. Toxic masculinity. Yeah. Uh-huh. Misgendering. And I only know because they're Marvel characters. Oh, yeah, of course. That is why you know anything.

I know from my dictionary, and by that, of course, I mean the Bible, because it's nothing but just words and then the true meaning of those words. I'll tell you that. There ain't no metaphors. It's all straight shooting. There was an ark and there was two of every animal. I'm talking gnats. I'm talking flies, mosquitoes.

All of the above was in my big old big ass boat. James Draper had an ark that he drove from Oklahoma and it was a boat on wheels. Do you really drive a boat out here? James Draper had an arc that he drove from Oklahoma, and it was a boat on wheels.

Did he really drive a boat out here? No. Oh, well, what? You called back to a thing that didn't happen? I called back to how I said that Draper was fresh off the boat because he was new to Denver. Oh, I thought it was because he looked so surly and swarthy. It's a racist term a lot of the time, so then I wanted to clear that up there.

He didn't cross the Rio Grande. I was not alluding to a undocumented status. Oh, he would have come over from Albania or something. That's a Belushi. No, he's one of those like Mediterranean, you know,

he's got all skin. Yeah, he does. What is his ass uh i think he's italian okay he's always claiming to be italian that's why he can say it uh he he does talk like carl from aquatina hunger force Force. He's a big Christopher Columbus fan. The director and the explorer. He loves Home Alone. He loves being Home Alone.

Maybe a little too much. Yeah, he's like sad or something. You know what isn't sad? Our Patreon, man. We really ripped and roared on that one last night good god good call we had check that out that was like an hour and a half page last night we were we went fucking cutting a rug we went long yeah and it felt good it did feel good man i didn't cramp up

uh uh what was i gonna say you're cramping up right now oh yeah i brought up cramping up and then your brain gave out of that devil i gotta walk around on my tippy toes for a sec that is the worst waking up out of sleep with a fucking charlie horse yeah i've had that happen a couple of times that was not me jerking off this is me uh patting my calf nice sounds like jerking off but that's that ain't me have you guys heard of saturday night palsy what's that it's when a drunk gets all wasted and falls asleep on their arm weird and wakes up and their arm doesn't work oh yeah i don't miss that i do not miss that i used to fall asleep and all you know you get what's comfortable at when you when you first lay down is not comfortable in the morning when you

have your arm behind your head and around the corner right yeah and i used to do that all the time and that's not that's not a good move you got to like sleep straight and get used to sleeping like straight i can put my arms over my head on my stomach but then you gotta like have your hips facing parallel they gotta you gotta be careful down there else you're gonna get put down early you're gonna put down at 13 like gordy are you giving a sleep walk through i'm saying from someone who's giving a tutorial on sleeping i'm 38 and a half and i know i know a couple things about a couple of things the bigger the truck the cooler the dude who is 30. I'm 38 and a half. And I know a couple of things about a couple of things.

The bigger the truck, the cooler the dude. The louder the truck, the more I'm listening. And yeah, you got to be careful when you go to bed at night because those hours add up. See, I'm wondering. I like to sleep on my side.

That's my thing. I also like to sleep on my side. That's my thing. Sure. I also like to sleep on my gut. That's fun. But I want to be a sleep on the back guy. And there's no way to really train yourself on how to sleep because, you know, that time you're out of control. There's no one telling anyone what to do.

I've fallen asleep on my back probably five times in my whole life. I wish I could do it more. But barring that, or even if you're doing that, you better be careful where your hips are pointing and where your legs are because, man, you start sleeping in a weird crick, you know, and then 25, 30 years later, you're not going to be able to get out of that bed. That's going to be your deathbed because you slept like an asshole for way too long just do yoga like me well you have to yeah you have to do stuff you got to be active but before you go to bed uh go north south or east west you know don't start don't start turning into a you know a former hindu symbol for peace that got co-opted

by a bunch of angry german assholes don't go to sleep like a swastika you're getting all bent out of shape oh man i was just thinking about that swastika thing in paris but that's neither here nor there um that's historical fact that's a good story we've already told that story i'm sure i can't get enough of that story. Your dick is flapping a little tiny swa. Yeah, there's a Frenchman climbing to the top of it. Your balls are French

coated in goat cheese.