Chubby Behemoth - World‘s Largest Horse

Episode Date: November 23, 2021

Burnin' Huts. Untuck That Shirt. Fill Pat's Pants.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

I had not set an alarm. So I had an alarm set for 1047 because of yesterday so I could wake up and gamble before football. My fucking degenerate. My sleep schedule. My sleep schedule is all stupid. Because there is no schedule. I have no schedule. all i have to do

is try to like not interact with anybody other than my wife what else is new about that in person it's perfect i'm built to be sick no i i'm being sick is the best thing to ever happen to you dude you're gonna cancel every show you don't have to to see anyone. You don't have to bartend. No, I actually miss bartending now. Now that it's been a while. And I'm not working tomorrow. But yeah, my sleep schedule

is fucked. I can't like... I'm not getting tired anymore. And I haven't had a fever in a few days, which was definitely helping me sleep. So now it's just like... I'm just like up all night doing jack shit. And then you're such a lazy piece of shit. You miss the fever.

You're like, oh, that fever. That really made things easy on me. That really knocked me out. I missed the fever desperately when I finally broke through COVID. Because you're still, you're still... You use no calories during the day. You're just chilling. Yeah, I'm like a little veal. Yeah.

Bedtime comes with I'm going to be homeless tomorrow levels of anxiety where you're like nothing in me wants to go to bed. What am I going to do? Then it's 6.30 in the morning and you crash as the sun comes up. One's just living like a sober. What happened here?

I don't know, but you've done your own shit right away. Okay, good. Yeah. I said you were living like a sober Wagyu beef. You're not rubbing yourself in beer. You're rubbing yourself in Sprite. Yeah. Clear, clear liquids yeah there's not a japanese hand on you and you prefer it that way well yeah there's no no japanese fellas coming over to rub down my haunches not on my watch yeah dude uh so yeah i'm glad that i made it why did you pick this time you got a busy day

becker picked this time and i respect becker so i allow him to make decisions unlike you i also proposed it with a question mark because i know it might not be popular but we're we're never funnier than at 11 a.m yeah this is when we're the best our brains are just turning on uh one of my eyes is open the other one is still caked with sleep yeah i get a drink what you guys think is coffee but it's actually just a cup full of cream they'll never know and you'll never tell i'll never tell that's cool that Cream is keto. Yeah, well, guess who's not keto right now? You? Yeah, the fucking dickless toad

himself. What's your break on? Emily yesterday flew in after a What's happening? You suck. Oh, no, I don't know what's happening. It's like my cord keeps detaching. What?

Oh, my God. This is going to piss me off if this is prevalent. Yeah, you sound bad. And it is prevalent. The cord just keeps detaching. Why? Because you throw it around the room? Well, because my microphone goes everywhere

with me so i can uh do my travel logs you put it do you put it in a box uh i wrap it in a sweatshirt and throw it in my bag and then every time i go through security some guy of security is like hey uh what is this and i gotta go i know what it looks like, but it's a microphone. And he goes, all right. All right, brother. I didn't want to ask, but all right. You know what it looked like. You sitting on this thing?

Yeah. We got to do a smell test. You putting this inside of you, honcho? Is this going you or your old lady? Whoa. But yeah, so Emily was at a wedding um where she drank up she dude she's been a menace two weekends in a row we didn't talk about her at my cousin's wedding but she was like fucking rude to a pregnant woman in the bathroom line the first night well that pregnant woman was doing a line

of crystal yeah no the pregnant woman wasn't vaccinated emily was like i don't respect you and your baby is going to be dumb oh hell yeah that's what she said to a pregnant woman that's so fucking sick i believe your wife's an american hero dude my wife My wife is Rambo. She's in the gray area. She's burning huts emotionally. She doesn't have a ton of social skill. And I like her more for it. Yeah, like Rambo would shut his eyes and see the burning huts of old Da Nang. And Emily just sees all the hospital beds overrunning with people.

Oh, no. Check here. the burning huts of old denang and emily just sees all the hospital beds overrunning with oh no check your oh check your internet check your core it's not my internet dude it's the fucking cord i know i'm just bringing up another time when you sucked ass oh good yeah you only have a tally of all my losses you don't have any of my w's socked away in your brain yeah yeah but emily just thinks of all the intubated beds and how if you get intubated you don't get extubated i've only extubated three people all right baby we're trying to have breakfast this is a fucking chucky cheese no one needs to hear this yeah it's your favorite yeah it's like well i know it's not my birthday, but it is our anniversary, so maybe try and enjoy this. Same way I fake enjoying sex with you. I'm just faking it every time. Like, oh, good. Yeah. Cool. You've got them for sure.

Cool tits. Yeah. Nice. Oh, look, I came right away. It means I like you. Yeah. Back to watching Sonny. Yeah. Oh, look, there's an xfl game on esbn4 let's watch this instead let me tell you about the let me tell you the story of he hate me baby yeah from 2000 yeah i was gonna say the original esbn classic yeah so we're uh we we had my cousin's uh the rehearsal

dinner was at the comedy fort in fort collins shout out david for letting us have it for free that was very sweet and i got a if we got it for free but i kept telling my cousin don't worry i'll pay for everything don't worry the rehearsal dinner is fine it's taken care of and she was like my aunt was like thank you so much for handling this and we had like music city hot chicken she's like i can't believe you paid for all this and i was like you city hot chicken she's like i can't believe you paid for all this and i was like you know angela anything for annie you know after mom's gone we got to get closer and closer meanwhile it cost me like a hundred dollars so take that the halberd

stats talents on top yet again so we get fucking old emily got toe up from the flow up she was putting it in the air like she didn't care. Just fucking wasted on Hennessy. For some reason, whenever it's a fancy event, Emily drinks like fucking big pun. Everybody drank the Hennessy at her birthday, didn't they? That was douce. We got that douce to get loosey and juicy.

Yeah, I told Emily, I was like, keep the douce away from David and Sophie. And the next time I i came in the bar they were drinking it out of a baby shoe never worn we're doing hemming ways in here player it's like so if you quit talking like that because you're marrying mel doesn't mean you can do the voice sophie's slick rickon so uh yeah but emily got fucking wasted and uh there was all these cowboys there because of sam's side they're all from aztec new mexico and like none of them were vaccinated they kept being like well i don't know what the deal is with it so i I'm going to wait it out. And Emily's like, wait out what? The death of man?

The extinction of our species? Yeah. What's the matter with you hay-eating monsters? I like that the people that crush it, snort it, drink it up, ride a fucking bull, you know? Save horses, ride cowboys. Ride a horse over a gap in their property you know that no man has ever traversed yeah they're wearing hats just soaked in mercury they don't care yeah yeah power lines everywhere

worked in a month you know they go right from working the day shift at the mine to the night shift at the fucking gasoline factory yeah and then i work at the gas factory because it's all you can drink hey man i fill up my truck i fill up my belly at lunch i'm i'm drinking for two they pay us in rags the craziest motherfuckers the most uh impulsive reckless i'll sleep when i'm dead pieces of shit slash pieces of ass some of them are hot jerking off to eight seconds they they fucking exert caution and and thoughtful control and a wait and see attitude for fucking a life-saving vaccine and i've said it uh i think on the pod the oh you have the comments show it the dms are proof of that the uh it's like they almost got it right like yes be wary of the government but not with this vaccine because they want things to get back to normal they want you to get back to work they want you back at the gasoline factory fucking

working for 7 48 an hour you know and uh you think that unions are bullshit because man you gotta pay like 20 a month man that's right out of my pocket meanwhile i can't yank my bootstraps what can i yank you get 18 an hour instead you know if you had if you unionize but anyway yeah they they don't get it the emily was rude these hard-working blue-collar americans which you uh disdain um yeah so they i don't know they were like emily's fucking you know wasted it was so bad that i was outside smoking and uh sophie came out like oh sam we got to get emily out of here that's what sophie said i was like what and she's like we have to go now so I grabbed Katarina and I was like Kat get her

and they fucking you know disappeared her pretty much and they threw a sheet over her head and told her she was sleeping oh shit yeah because she was rude to a lady in the bathroom which was I don't know exactly what went down but she had to bring her flowers the next day and she was pregnant

oh this wasn't like a a friend of a friend at the wedding this no this was one of the bridesmaids yeah and she was all pregnant and then also em Emily sat down with the groom's grandmother and was like, well, are you vaccinated? And this old like, you know, senile woman was like, my husband used to go to the store every Thursday to buy the eggs that were fresh from the market. And Emily's like, you get vaccinated, you're going to die. I see women like you die every day. And she's like, I remember Jared Ford. His head was as big as a pickle. every day and she's like i remember jared ford his head was as big as a pickle and emily's like look we are in a fucking culture war right now what side are you

gonna be on you old bitch and the lady's like i was on an airplane on confederate state 1963 and i i i get where where emily's coming from because there's this fucking idea that we have to be very careful with our messaging. And I'm sure Emily's sick of hearing that shit, too. Oh, yeah. She's lost all empathy for everyone. questioning her and people like her because they think that they know better or because you know they've been conditioned to think that they're smart well yeah it's like it's okay to have these conversations and like you know if you're gonna have these thoughts don't just bring them up with someone who's been in the blood fields you know like emily's been a doctor for

18 months and her entire 18 months has been defined by well we don't have a bed for you but uh luckily you're 85 so you can just die at home like there's a bunch of triage medicine that these like first years have to do they're literally deciding who lives and dies most days you know emily's got the thousand yard stare she's got the big old pair uh she does she waves him like she doesn't care. And then the microphone, every time you get on a roll, the microphone steps on your dick.

Straighten it out. You got a kink in there? There's no kink. The only kink that I know is going to be in the rope that I hang myself with if this fucking pod doesn't work out cause I don't wake up early to have to deal with the

failures of technology I heard everything you said and I gotta say good stuff way to fill the time way to vamp Lund just making fun of me I've never made fun of you i don't know why you think that's okay yeah i like you early in the morning because you aren't able to be super mean i'm never mean to you all i am is joshing with my homies i'm just goofing around trying to have

some fun becker has smoked a cigar a cigarillo he's getting he's getting his dab rig hot he had a cigarette he had uh fucking a mouthful of chew yeah he's getting his levels up i remember when uh me and my ex my very small ex uh who looked haunted. You might remember her line. Conchita. Yeah. She looked like a Japanese ghost, even though she was white as hell. She looked like a wraith. I have a type. Let me tell you.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. We would wake up and she'd be like, I need to get my levels up and smoke like eight cigarettes before she got out of bed. So I'm just asleep and getting fucking secondhand smoke. She's blowing it in your ear yeah get your levels up what is she talking

about i don't know her nicotine energy levels she had bp yeah she's filled oil all over the gulf uh when my buddy landon reminded me that on either the trip to dc the uh the balls shaving in a trip or a different trip we went we also went to ensenada mexico with our spanish class on one of those trips we turned off the lights to go to bed and he's a redhead and so he's very pale and i swear he fucking glowed in the dark he was so pale you could see him in the dark room i was like jesus dude how am i supposed to go to bed it was fucked up so i think that might have been part of my need to shave my balls with his razor was to ease the tension of not being able to sleep because of this

fucking nightlight motherfucker. These Landon stories are not Landon. Shut up. No, I've, uh, I, you know,

you know how I am. I like, uh, traditionally I've liked women who have the skin tone of if they were in some kind of Angela's ashes scenario. Like, that's what I like. I like potato famine skin um just like

ghostly white like if like ivory hunters would uh would want to collect their their pelts that's how pale they are and i've definitely been uh are you are you a girl or are you some kind of trans-dimensional ghost let me find out with my. And then you just wear them like a mask and it turns out ghost pussy tastes like the real tank. Why didn't the mic cut out? What the hell? That time you just get to

spew all that shit unfettered. Here's a fun update for all the Tim Dillon people ask me what it's like with Tim the man has an amazing voice he loves show tunes and he was blasting Old Man River on this theater on the stage before anyone came in and it was really fucking good

felting it out I want to confirm Tim Dillon is a homosexual the man can sing show tunes like an angel fallen to earth it was really really great yeah that's cool and you were just in wisconsin but there was no in madison but there was no uh incidents right we were in wisconsin the day of the verdict and tim uh tim like woke us all up and was like come on if they're gonna riot let them riot now show can be canceled daddy show can be canceled. Daddy wants a night off. If we get a night off,

we're going to the steakhouse in Milwaukee and we're going to celebrate not the verdict. Of course, we're just going to celebrate not having to work. And then all day he was like on Twitter, like, you know, obviously if there is a time to ride, it's right now. He was like defending he was anti-written house online because he wanted madison to riot so he didn't have to do his show which was fun to watch but yeah that night in madison uh sean patton came over and opened the show that was fun i i was like so worried about following sean and then i didn't need to be because these people were fucking idiots they

kept yelling at tim to uh do written house stuff and tim totally snapped on him and was like god everyone shut up i would rather hang out with hillary clinton than anyone from wisconsin look at all you fat pigs you drunken fucking wasted pigs give me hillary clinton give me the builder burgers at least they have class it was really fun to watch him turn on all these people in Madison. The shows have been great, dude. I'm really loving it out there with him. He's really smart and eloquent. It's a lot of fun.

I have seen quite a few pictures between you and Chris Voth doing theaters with Ron White. uh doing theaters with ron white and uh i guess seen a couple other random comics that have just beautiful theaters across this great country of ours yeah old theaters many of them named after types of people that uh couldn't fight back you know yeah uh gorgeous these theaters my god yeah the more racist the owner the better the theater i will say that so far like the carnegie theater in pittsburgh like the more damage they've done on society as a whole the prettier and more ornate the ceilings are at these theaters the names of the theaters are the people that can't that aren't allowed in it's a sign it's like the biggest sign you could have no irish yeah i made that joke in Louisville because

we were at the Brown Theater. Yeah, and it was like, you know, that historic old theater here. It's a very historic theater and I gotta say, since the end of segregation, this is the first whites-only show they've had. And the crowd was like, oh, yeah! Yeah!

That was my impression of the MWO theme song. Was it close? Oh, I couldn't tell. Is that it? No, I mean, kind of. I'm trying to think of how I would do it. Becker, your turn. I don't know the song.

It kind of goes like this. It goes like this. It's like dead on. Oh, Becker did it better than both of us. Yeah, that sounded pretty good. Because he's got a lung full of butter. And I don't know what the song is. I'm just trying to meet in between your two impressions.

Well, Becker, I went and got some live resin. Ooh. Yeah, one of these Pax live resin things. Yeah. And let me tell you, it's too much, and I want to throw it away. I keep hitting it and being like, oh, good. I remember these days. I mean, it's hard for me, too, and I've been told the same thing,

but have you tried smaller hits? Oh, yeah. Dude, I'm sucking on this thing like I don't want to, but it has a gun to my head. Are you hitting it three times and then regretting the second and third? No, I'm just kissing the tip. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm doing it. It's fucking swim camp style where it's like, just try it. I don't like it. Shut up. Eat it. That's me. I can tell you how to use it to make edibles. If you'd rather do that, but I don't know if I should tell you over the air.

Yeah. Why don't you keep this fucking awful crime information to yourself? Yeah. They yelled at me once for telling people how to take apart cartridges. What? Yeah. The like rep came into Denver relief and told me to stop telling people how to do it.

Was he, how would they know? Because people were like tweeting them and messaging them like a guy at denver relief named jake taught me how to do this right what a bunch of morons yeah because you could buy a thousand milligram cartridge for like 25 bucks what a thousand for 25 bucks back in the day yeah don't tell x-pac he'll wake up china and fuck her corpse yeah so you'd pop the top off and shoot it and be uh caked yeah man god i don't know i think i'd rather bang x-pac than china if i have to be honest no way yeah it'd be cool think about all the poor women we're maybe lucky women who got put in the doomsday device by scott hall and kevin nash you think they had to be

double teaming out there man they're both huge they're so big and scott hall has a big one and kevin nash has a bigger one and then like right after they come they have uh xbox come in the room and give her the Bronco Buster. Well, yeah, I was thinking the Eiffel Tower, but instead of just a high five, it's a two sweet. Yes, exactly. It's a wolf pack. X-Pac, or Sean Waltman Becker, was an American professional wrestler in the late 80s, early 90s. He was not in the late 80s. I think he popped in the late 80s, came through in the 90s.

He might have been in GWF, GWF. He was in the CLIC, which was an inner circle organization in WCW into WWF. No. Go ahead, Lund. Take the reins on this. Well, why are you

trying to deep dive his ass? Because that's what information does does he wrestled for a long time he was in the nwo and degeneration drug addict most likely a rapist he was with uh china for a lot he he was with china and they did a sex tape and you could see her how giant her clit was yeah her clit was like your nose becker perfect i've heard jokes about china's clit yeah sam's obsessed with it i'm obsessed with it it's just i mean it's cool to see representation is important and to see a dick that looks like mine was cool for all the nubs out there yeah here's the nub all the nubs of across the land so yeah emily got to this wedding late uh on this friday

she flew into tucson for a doctor wedding all of her friends who went to school with her in las vegas and they'd all been drinking since six and she just keeps texting me like they're gonna go to bed they're not gonna stay up and wait for me so she shows up with two bottles of wine and from the accounts that i've been able to piece together, she pretty much walked in the room and was like, bitches, it's time to party. And like drank an entire bottle of cab sob and then threw up two minutes later.

And then was like, they're all mad at me. They're all mad. Like they're all sharing a room. There's like five of them in a room and she's calling me crying from the pullout couch. Like I threw up and everyone's mad because it stained the carpet we're not gonna get the deposit back and i hear girls being like emily it's fine go to bed and she's like shut up i'm a good doctor i'm not a great doctor but i'm a good one she sounds like she sounds like fucking judy garland yeah exactly no more wire hangers

it was uh joan crawford yeah i guess everything was fine the next day it's always funny when emily like you know realizes that she's hurt people because like she doesn't apologize because she's such a fucking cold-hearted bitch who i love the most in the world but you know when people are dying around you you ain't got time for sorries it's what she always tells me um but yeah when she's trying to apologize she's so bad at it i'm sorry that you're so weak that you can't understand yeah what i'm going through well and what what time did she get there like it was 10 30 at night yeah they all

had like their eye make makeup like off their their eye masks on and they had their their hair done up and she's like look who's here it's the i love the idea that she shows up with two bottles slams one, and then the four of them are supposed to have a glass of wine each out of the other bottle. Yeah. She pukes while they're drinking their glass. Yeah, while they're begrudgingly getting out of bed to pour their glass,

she's like, What a cork in her. My tits are too big, and I'm too pretty with or without makeup. Wait, so you said, where is she? Tucson? She's home now. She was in Tucson for like Friday night and then Saturday night and then came home early Sunday. And you guys are almost done with La Junta.

We're almost done down here in hunt town man let me say the time down here has been special have you gone bowling yet no dude we haven't because we haven't been home on a weekend yet yeah yeah that's too bad maybe turkey day you can get a couple games in get some frames well every day is turkey day when i'm throwing the rock uh huh no sold that one yeah i mean it was fine but uh moving moving moving on that was a slam dunk that was the first real slam dunk we've had ever oh yeah that was an alley-oop everybody loves bowling turkey humor and then what else is great oh cats and pussies that whole uh conundrum that hasn't been beaten to death are you excited to

eat an entire turkey by yourself on on thanksgiving i can't i have to like outsource i think i have to donate my turkey so it's not just in the house i got one deliver you turkey i got one from safeway for spending a hundred dollars and i was like all right i'll take it and then i come home i'm like i have nowhere to put this you come home and it's already eaten you're like what happened i blacked out uh so it is that wally's girlfriend sierra's house. Sierra, she's pregnant with Wally's child. Allegedly, she has his seed festering and becoming life. Up in her baduko. A Wally melon?

That's right. The kid is already trying to plan way too many things. Like, all right, so first birthday i'm thinking cake for me cake for everybody else uh birthdays and boomerangs festival everybody gets a boomerang and what about this i'm a baby and i can't talk all right i don't know what shapes are but what if i did a podcast about shapes huh look i'm a baby who cares uh so yeah there's there's a turkey with my name on it that i was going to donate to the orin family but then they got a free i think they got a turkey somehow so now

megan's trying to see about keeping it frozen for a month just make the turkey bring it up to her family for Christmas and I was like maybe they should get their own fucking turkey just cook the turkey one yeah it's not that it's then all of a sudden we have 18 pounds of meat

and I have to like eat it every two weeks it's like you with the jamon jamon don't remind me about the jamon yeah whatever whatever happened to it iberica you had to throw a bunch of it away because you're a fucking idiot didn't even yeah because it was it was literally poisonous you let it happen i didn't let it happen dude all right the air did it you didn't eat enough yeah you kept going to sleep instead of eating that sweet sweet meat yeah i should have stayed up and chewed the lumps of decaying flesh because it was it was impossible

unless it was paper thin it was impossible to swallow yeah yeah it sounded yeah it was sisyphean huh yeah exactly it was uh it was my telltale heart i just i could just hear it in there every day and i was like uh must have ham emily being like don't you have any ham if you have much more ham boy that was emily yelling at me black grandma put that ham down. Emily never does AAV. I've seen it referred to that lately, and I'm a big R. Would you tell me what that stands for so I don't have to Google it? That's African American Vernacular English.

Okay. You probably call it Ebonics because you're ignorant that's pretty funny there's a big r down here it's a chain of stores that's pretty fun oh yeah i'll think of spies every time i get dog food yeah dude big r is great that was they had a big r and elizabeth and that's where i saw the world's largest horse whoa did i ever tell you about that getting Getting dog food. No, what was the name of that? I've looked it up before to show people.

World's largest horse. Hold on. Like a specific one? World's largest horse. Yeah. Its name was like Titan or... Yeah, I remember Titan. What the fuck?

He's a Clydesdale. Yeah, he's like... It's like what the devil would ride into battle with God. Yeah, Clydesd. Yeah, he's like, it's like what the devil would ride into battle with God. Yeah, Clydesdales are hilarious because they are like three times bigger than a normal horse, which is also big. Ah, fuck. It was cool, man. I remember there were signs for it all around Elizabeth. Me and my friends kept being like, are we going to go?

We got to go. And then we got like really stoned behind the Safeway and went over to see the world's largest horse. And like none of us were prepared for this the majesty of this fucking creature we're just like oh my god i can't touch its nose it was crazy and also it came back a second time and they had the world's largest horse and it was surrounded by a bunch of little horses and it was like well i don't need to go to heaven because i've already seen it it's this right here that rules i'm going to hell now because nothing will live up to this it's like the little horses were there to like serve the big horse and he was friends with them he would like bend down and nuzzle them and they would like touch uh hooves it was oh my god what

a magical day that was that was it was like the day after like like a week after one of my friends older brothers od'd and we were like i know it'll cheer you up ronnie let's go see these fucking disparate horse sizes and he was not stoked it did not cheer him up did his brother refer to the h's horse? I don't know what it was. He could have OD'd on train racing. It could have been gunpowder making. It wasn't always drugs with the kids and Elizabeth. He overdosed playing Donkey Kong Country and died of sleep deprivation.

Yeah, exactly. He didied himself. Just called Nye until he died. I've been calling my dad Duddy and I've been saying, Duddy diddled Sammy. He loves it.

I mean, I don't know. No, he doesn't. He doesn't like it when I do it at Arby's. Duddy diddled Sammy. Daddy don't diddle me. Is he back in Elizabethtown? No one knows where he is. Oh, that's good.

He's in the wind. Is he in Fort Collins? I don't know. I haven't talked to him in a couple weeks. Does he have gordy i hope so i think gordy has him honestly right gordon gordon's putting food in his bowl yeah gordy's feeding him twice a day taking him out for a walk yeah they're both wearing robes their dicks are just out all the time i hope my dad's just sitting around in a robe exposing himself to my

dog that's what i imagine they're up to this is what a man's look like what he this is what a man dick look like boy he's doing the voice uh so you're home for this and now i'm up for the holiday yes that's nice i thought i was gonna see you but now i have to fucking keep quarantining yeah you just blew it all around you had to go to fucking every time i die and say let's go buffalo dude it ruled it was not worth not going to thanksgiving or lucille brain laughs with me it was no it wasn't dude it wasn it was not worth not going to thanksgiving or lucille bray and last with me it was no it wasn't dude it wasn't that cool patrick richardson told me that it sucked and it was just for old homos like you no he had a good time he said he got elbowed in the stomach and pooped a little and he had to go clean his butt he didn't tell me that that does sound like

fun it was hilarious he said he got like shoved in the stomach pooped himself and then had to go clean it up he said he missed one song i bet he didn't do a good job cleaning those are short songs yeah they're not doing long ones he just did like one wipe and he was like that's good enough no he was like i'm clean i can reach nathan i pooped i'm done there's shit in my pants are you asking or telling boy uh no i told uh my friend tyler as long as i don't get like that shit where everything tastes like sewage or you know lung damage then it'll have been worth it because it was fun we said we fucking made you a centerpiece for thanksgiving my aunt has been making handmade centerpieces for

everyone and now she has to throw yours in the trash no you can give it to me at some point down the road i'm not going to give you anything except for hepatitis c uh how about just uh i'm gonna stick you with a dirty needle bitch call me and show me a picture of it while you guys are together yeah you know what we are we're gonna call you and we're gonna show you a picture of it and it's just gonna be my uncle tom with his dick wrapped around his wrist and he's gonna say look what time it is it's thanksgiving time check it out it's dinner time lund and then just my uncle like wasted like you know how it gets when the turkey hits the table yeah get that neighbor over there every dark meat for me yeah no dark meat at my meal your wrist always comes and uncle tom always goes with one jew joke he fits one in there somehow every time and we're all like damn uncle tommy wyland you know mel like falls sideways like in that meme becker's crying we lost becker oh i'm here what have you been trying to say for the last three

minutes becker i'm really high it was all different things i just kept dropping the idea and then find a new one then dropping it. I'm good. And that's a glimpse inside the mind of Jake Becker. Constantly resetting. Yeah. Trying to figure out where he is in the conversation. Like a goldfish. He's got a 10 second memory.

And a 10 inch dick. Is it time to talk or is it time to show everyone my dick? Yeah, I definitely don't have a tennis dick. He doesn't have a penis. It's confirmed. Dickless Becker tells all today on Chubby Bahamut. Did you say we're going to have a guest tomorrow?

We're going to have a guest. It's Becker's penis. We found it. We found the clay jar the korean woman put it in and buried in the graveyard is it kimchi or is it pain find out tomorrow on chubby behemoth uh lund is thinking well i was I was going to say something about, like, revealing who the guest is, but... No one cares. When this will come out versus when that will come out.

It'll come out as soon as we're done. Becker's not to leave the room until it's posted. Is this a Patreon? No. No, this is a free one, and it'll come out tonight. It will come out as soon as we're done, he repeated. Becker, what do you have to do today? Shower and go to work?

Don't shower. Post instead. I look like I'm doing cosplay as you. I have to shower. What a mean thing to say. I can't be like cool. What a wicked thing to say to someone who cares about you. No, I don't look as good as you.

I look like I'm doing cosplay. I look like this was my best attempt at having your cool hair. Me and, uh, I was at Wide Right yesterday for three hours waiting for Emily to land in the airport. So I went to wide right to watch the buffalo bills get their shit packed in dude i'm sick of football yeah i know it's because everyone enjoys it so you have no no it's because the best because it's a revered pastime no because the the best teams are playing like somebody who's one in nine and then they just

get the shit beat out of them. So you lose all your money. Yeah. You hate parody. You hate the most equal playing field in sport. Don't make no sense, man. I'm supposed to be cleaning up instead.

I'm cleaning up my own puke. You're cleaning the shit out of Richardson's undies. Yeah. I feel like I'm getting elbowed in the gut each week. So I'm there. We're there. there and you know the bills are losing all the bills fans are like sad and then who walks in the door me and pat and noah are sitting i think noah left at this point because he had to quote take his sunday nap because he's a fucking infant who's never seen his own penis. Yeah.

So me and Pat are sitting there and Pat's like, I'm drunk and I gotta drive. It's like 1230. I got fucked up somehow. It's like, yeah, because you've been fucking drinking turpentine, you fat wad. God, untuck that shirt. Let's see the undie stain.

What'd that pussy do? God, untuck that shirt. Let's see the undie stain. Boy, what that bussy do. How dirty that bussy. Let me see that shitty bussy. Let me lick a clown. Oh, God. Jesus. And a big fat bussy. You that bussy boy boy so who comes in but the buffalo penguin

it's a man who dresses like the penguin but just so everyone knows he's the buffalo penguin so he can do bills games and so he's not in costume but when he walks in

Pysher's like oh fuck the buffalo penguins here and i'm like what and he's like he comes every fucking sunday at 9 a.m begging for wings and for us to let him come in and do his penguin gag and me and patrick are like excuse me what are you what are you saying and he's like he dresses like the penguin but he's from buffalo so he's like the bills penguin and he wants to do his shtick here and let people take pictures with him and i'm like okay patrick follow my lead and we walk over and i say hey man sorry to bother you but are you the buffalo penguin and he goes i sure am how did you know he goes into character right away how did you know? He goes into character right away. How did you know?

And I was like, big fan, dude. I don't want to bother you, but just want to say I love what you do. Good stuff. Keep it up. And he's like, oh, it's always nice to meet a fan. And Patrick's like, I pooped, you know? No, but like, I wanted to make fun of this guy more.

But as soon as he said how did you know like his eyes lit up like he met someone who gave a shit about his life's work and i immediately pulled my closet and was like hey i really like what you do man big fan instead of like you know being like tabletopping him with patrick or whatever but patrick did a deep dive on his facebook page and it is fucking gold damn yeah i'm gonna send i want to send you this picture of the flash uh dude there's a photo of the buffalo penguin and deadpool who is wearing a indiana jones hat and they are they are they have one of those huge novelty checks for some kind

of charity in Buffalo. The huge novelty check is made out for $30. I'm sending it to the group chat. Check this shit out. You know who Maris the Great is, right?

Oh my lord. you remember him who maris the great the like oh yeah who could forget wasn't he like a boy hungry pedophile didn't he get out it he wasn't a pedophile i don't think but you know how he had like the whole all that makeup and like fake teeth and stuff yeah he would always ride the 15 he'd ride the bus yeah on the bus yeah it was hilarious i was like oh hey man how's it going he just he's like i'm not a man i'm from the realm no he didn't he didn't want to talk because he knew he was on the bus yeah it's gotta suck to be like the lord of the dead taking the 15 to work in cremeria and he wasn't the craziest looking motherfucker on the 15 either.

No. Also, Noah showed up to White Rite yesterday and he's like, I found a pack of cigarettes on the bus. And me and Noah, me and Patrick were like, no, you didn't. You bought a pack of cigs. Just smoke them. All right. Quit trying to make everything fucking interesting. There's nothing cool about you. Look what I woke up under my pillow. Wow.

It's a pack of cigarettes. Oh, my God. No, dude, you just bought a pack of Camel Blues. You don't want anyone to know. Yeah, he's a pretty good penguin. Oh, yeah. But, I mean, look at the flash in that one photo. He's like 5'4". Yeah.

I mean, that guy's funny, but really really like the deadpool in the next photo whose pants can't even be pulled up as pants oh i know we'll post all these on the patreon uh that is amazing you want to see a picture of the buffalo penguin son which patrick found somehow yep son of penguin, Penguino. Angus. Yeah, dude. He's total. If Toad didn't have that awful hormone disorder

which trapped him in his tiny body forever, he would have been this kid. 13. I feel bad about how bad I just have been this kid. I feel bad about how bad I just laughed at this kid. Oh my god. This little doofus. Look at him.

The balloons say 13 but they're supposed to say 31. It looks like he can't wait. He just can't wait to get away from his birthday party to go drown some more cats. Explore his body. Yeah. All he asked for for his birthday were more burlap bags so he can round up the strays and fill them with rocks. Jesus Christ.

He's going to do more experiments. Yeah, that's what Lunn should have looked like as a boy. Instead of like when he was a little sexy volleyball boy. It should have been this kid. What? That was high school. Yeah, right. You played volleyball your whole life.

That was high school. No, I didn't. Now you're shaped like a volleyball. Look at this kid, dude. He looks like such a king spy. yeah i mean he's cross-eyed that's the penguin son i couldn't stop laughing at the eyes that's why i do it i do it for him i want to leave him a legacy of regional upstate new york penguin acts this kid looks like the penguin. He's got the hands.

Yeah, it looks like his dad was a penguin and his mom was a spy and his mom was a power line. The penguin tricked his mother into coitus. Come, let us make.

Come, let us make. It makes me think of Danny DeVito getting on top of Rhea Perlman oh god well he's the penguin he's my penguin that's what she said in that interview it's like all they kept us together for so long was the lovemaking it's like all right god excuse me while I fill Pat's pants with shit. They hated each other, but they were the same size. Oh, dude. Wasn't going to get any better. Get this.

Yeah. We're at the night before the wedding. We're at the bar where Emily totally showed her ass and ruined everything. And there's these cowboys who are like oh man i'm fixing to get so drunk i'm gonna shit somebody else's pants and emily goes oh my god that's sam's joke did you hear sam say that on stage and i'm like shut up shut up for once in your fucking life and they're like what and she's like oh yeah shit someone else's pants sam says that and i'm like i i may have said that once a long time ago and one of the cowboys like you do that shit on stage

we've been doing that shit for years and i'm like she doesn't know what she's talking so uh rumsfeld was great right fellas don't we miss we miss him huh luke perry right remember when he was a cowboy and they're like hold on one cotton picking minute all right consign it jiminy crickets melinda you're telling me you do the shit someone else's pants in your professional comedy skits and emily's like oh yeah it's the pillar of his act and i'm like you say one more word you're gonna fucking miss those teeth right women fellas so yeah that was a total nightmare right yeah she's acting like it's a corner corner piece of your whole

livelihood in reality i've said it you know maybe 150 times 200 times all the net it was an album title i mean it's not like it was like a big deal well and it's also there's a difference between saying that when you're pointing out somebody being drunk and it being a bit a joke of yours and also i don't think i've ever said it on stage it's like i mean you do no actually yeah you don't you say it off stage yeah you said it off stage but on camera what he's what you said you were so high you were gonna shit someone else's pants on yeah because that's the thing that we say back on the prairie man yeah it's a good one yeah growing up the way i did where every day is a goddamn gift yeah i never know when the devil's

fixing to come take you on that fucking stagecoach back to hell? So you shit someone else's pants. Yeah, you do, because it's a communal pair. Patrick was wearing mine that day. That big, fat piece of shit. Did the cowboys care? Yeah, they were like, we're going to save a horse and fuck you instead.

They held me down. They filled me. They filled me up with white juice. You were the little horse and they were the Clydesdale. Dude, I wish I could remember the fucking name. I've looked up that horse's name before. It was like Titan or

Goliath. Was it Goliath? Nobody cares. World's largest horse, Goliath. People do care, man. There's people out there. World's tallest horse dies at Texas Ranch under mysterious circumstances. Whoa.

All right. Next episode. We got a last podcast on the left. That's shit. Yeah. Goliath, a percheron gelding known as the 2005 Guinness Book of World Record holder for tallest living horse, died mysteriously at his home on Preford Ranch in Mount Pleasant on June 3rd.

The gentle giant was known as the Southern Gentleman because of his charm, kindness, and work ethic. gentleman because of his charm kindness and work ethic he was six five at the withers and more than 2500 pounds yeah dude what are the withers the withers are i think the where the shoulder meets the neck whoa but yeah dude the texas thunder show i mean i was i fucking went full big R at the big R when I saw this. I went full Pat Richardson. He's the biggest R of all. Man, we're going to have to have him on again if you don't shut up. Yeah, right. He knows what he did.

Ate too much fondue. Can I have more fondue? No, Patrick. It's your sister's birthday. I want to wear the dress. You don't have one that fits you you're too big r patrick's also committed the big r a couple times as well so it makes total sense come on what he has he loves it all right becker's head just turned like he's a dog then i figured it out uh here's too high to know what big r is too late well we're dancing around multiple big r's now true you i call it the big r you call it the sweetest taboo god damn what else what do you got coming up big dog nothing turkey day turkey day well we record

tomorrow with uh our friend and then wednesday i go up and do our show because i'm not faking having covid to get out of it like one of us um me and boy you're doing lucha libre and laughs yeah that's a good replacement and I'm glad that I'm glad that he was available yeah it'll be cool come to Lucha Libre and Laughs on Wednesday at the Oriental Theater you don't want to know what Becker calls it

me and old dirty Borey are going to be doing the old commentary for the wrestling and roping and grunting and grinding. And hold on. Emily's calling me. Emmy, you're on the podcast.

Go. Oh, okay. I'm coming home for lunch. Do you want anything to eat? Yeah, some pussy. You're so annoying. Can I? That come through?

Yes. Take that for offering me food wait so how long are you gonna not be keto oh i don't know emily was like i'm hung over i need pho and i was like well i guess we are celebrating let's go get some pho and i ate a bunch of pho and then uh got home and ate an entire sleeve of oreo cookies and then i mean i felt terrible i still feel really bad oh yeah it doesn't it fucks with you right away yeah because my body hasn't produced insulin in months so it's like now i just have this like unknown toxic chemical in my gut and my body doesn't know how to deal with it so the only way to deal with it is to eat a bunch of maple syrup you gotta keep riding the train yeah exactly i can't get off now but uh and then on friday after thanksgiving after we uh commemorate what that uh what those

brave men and women did to the scourge known as the indigenous um going to europe for two weeks man friday yeah friday we leave me and old dave g and old dave t we fucking fly out to old mary foggy old londontown it's time for the boys to be boys it's just taking sophie sophie's coming out the 28th and then emily comes out the following Friday. So it'll be me and Dave and Dave for three days, and then Sophie will come ruin it. She'll be like, we'll just be out there fucking having fun, wearing

Sherlock Holmes hats, smoking cigs without filters, and then Sophie will be like, Mom would have loved this. I'll be like, shut up! Kick her into the Thames. Mom's ash. Shut up. Mom sucked. mom sucked yeah mom you know what mom would have loved you reminding us that she would have loved it shut up who cares god life's impermanent we're just a fucking flicker in a butterfly's wing why don't you suck us god fuck Fuck. You know what mom would have loved, Sophie?

Oh, that sucks. That sucks. Totally. I didn't like that. like that where else are you going london and then are you bouncing around you were going to london then we're going to nice and then we're going to barcelona and then we're going to paris oh you're gonna do the scene of the crime three days in each one like an idiot no three in one four in one three in one four in one i got hot recommendations for barcelona and i could probably get you into the weed clubs yeah that's what i want to do in barcelona is have a panic attack so yeah hook me up becker yeah but you're cool

as fucking shit dad and dave might want to go smoke a joint you can go in there and just have a nice peach juice and some some non-keto things. They'll be like, he's here for the peach juice. Give him the juicy ones. Well, everybody in Barcelona has such small apartments that they actually hang out in the weed clubs. Where am I going to sleep? The hotels and the apartments are nice.

All right, good. But yeah, so I'll bring my mic with me. We'll probably have david on a couple apps over there we'll have to figure out the time change but uh just excited man excited to reap what i've sowed or as richardson calls it beep what i've sowed um rape what you blowed yeah he's the big arm himself what about you lon what's coming up for you oh i'm just gonna hope that this infection doesn't travel from my sinuses to my lungs so far should be smoking cigs i think that might help is that i smoke cigs at work yeah you should

be smoking cigs like more than you ever have to block your ace two receptors i think that that probably helped me already yeah it is cool i'm glad you get to live your dream right now though just never having to get out of bed and shitting and pissing into buckets oh yeah i can't really smell but i can taste so that's been nice that is nice it a small victory. Becker, what do you got to plug? What's coming up for you? Nothing. I'm just going to be working at Mutiny. Now, I've been to Mutiny. I got to say, it is an excellent place to spend some time.

Let's say, you know, it's your weekend with the kids. Take them in there. They got cereal. They got comic books. They got a jilted super spreader, not wearing a mask because he touches everyone's milk and coffee it's uh it's perfect carlos comes in and goes ew what's up vato um yeah he's coming in tonight to hang out hey carlos way what's up man i can do that voice by the way um aren't carlos's parents in town they were nice yesterday goodbye mommy and daddy vaya con dios parentes his parents were awesome albuquerque yeah his dad just went to

sema and showed me all the pictures of cars when he told me about albuquerque a couple months back he was like yeah man like people don't get albuquerque they'll be like dude i fucking somebody asked to use my phone and then just took off with it and it's like that's albuquerque and i was like that's albuquerque just people constantly asking for help and then just stealing your phone. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Nobody should live there. No, no one should live in Albuquerque. No one should live below Pueblo as far as I'm concerned. But then you get some fucking super spies who have to go deep undercover down there.

Pueblo's crazy. Pueblo's crazy. Pueblo's loco. Hey, shout out to our official lawyer of the pod. I'm joining the national debate team. Oh, yeah. Probably doesn official lawyer of the pod. I'm joining the national debate team. Yeah. Probably doesn't want us mentioning that. Well, he didn't say his name, so that's fine.

It's Bobby. Allegedly. Yeah, did you forget it's Bobby? No, I was saying it wouldn't matter until you blew it. It's Bobby Crane. That's who it is. I'll be crying. That's who it is.

Emily's calling me again. Here, let's get her ass again. Hold on. Yeah, piss her off. Hey, Emmy. Hey, what's up? Nothing. I'm gonna stop by Safeway and get some food. Do you want anything specific? Yeah, some pussy. We're still on the pod. Got some food. Do you want anything specific? Yeah, some pussy.

We're still on the pod. Got your ass. Are you serious? Tell her what you want. You're so fucking annoying. Bye. Oh, damn it. That was... Tell her to get more Oreos. No, I'm back on.

Just kidding. I'm the penguin. I'm the devil.