Chubby Behemoth - Yeah, I’m Crying In Here

Episode Date: July 25, 2025

DAYTON SEE SAM THIS WEEKEND - https://www.samtallent.com/   SPONSORS: ExpressVPN - Support the show and get 4 extra months of ExpressVPN for free at https://www.expressvpn.com/CHUBBY   IndaCloud - If you’re 21 or older, get 25% off your first order + free shipping @IndaCloud with code CHUBBY at https://www.inda.shop/CHUBBY #indacloudpod   PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys are all home from New Zealand and podding from their homes. Sam burnt all his fingerprints off, lost it in the lounge for a while, and got something called a Fitpack. Nathan never got the bug that ran through everyone on the trip, reminds Sam about their old group chat, and doesn’t need HBD from everyone. Smoking’s good? I’m not a good person.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

I'm a little high. I'm ripped. That was so funny when Becker was like, so what was it? The times. Yeah, but what was it? He said between one and four and you were like, so five and eight? It wasn't that crazy. No, but it was the wrong way. Three and... I went two hours the wrong way. Yeah, five, I think it was because he said three to six.

I think I said five to eight. But I did not admonish you. I should have. Oh yeah, Sam, I'm free from three to six my time. Jake, cool. Five to eight here, right? No, one to four. I mean, he's got a beautiful mind. I told him in the chat, I should scold you for this,

but I gave you a pass because I'm a humanitarian. Yeah, yeah. Becker's been busy figuring out math differences, time changes. He was accustomed to figuring out 14 hours ahead and now the difference between mountain time and eastern time escapes him and that makes total sense. Yes. Yeah. I get it. But if you blow it like that next week, guess what? Your head's going in the trash compactor. And I don't like that. That's fair though. But we got the sponsorship from the trashash Compactor Company and I think it's

a nice tie in. Jesus Christ, I am so wet. It's hot as hell. Do you have AC and it's not working or what? We're not billionaires. We don't have central AC. We have an AC in the bedroom, but the first two nights I was here, Emily was sick with whatever rotten mind virus got you guys, the woke mind virus in Australia. And she's been sick for three days. So I had to sleep in the guest bedroom for the first two nights. Didn't think to open a window the first night. Next day, I crawl out of the fucking cave at one in the afternoon, dripping, trying

to straighten the shower. Emily's like, I'm in here. I'm like, you got to get out of the bathroom. I am soaked. It's like I slept at sea. And she's like, you know, I love you, but I got to ask you something. Did you open the window in there? And I went, yeah, of course. What kind of complete idiot wouldn't open the window in the hot room that he's been

sweating in for 14 hours? And she went, okay, because I thought last night I should probably go in there and open the window, but I thought, no, he figured it out. He's got it. So yeah, so then as she's talking, she mid-step backwards into the bathroom or into the bedroom and open the window so that if she does happen to come in, no one can be mad at me. You disconnected your mic.

Something happened. What? Now you're back. When you minced away, it switched off your mic. Too big of an impact. Yeah. So I had to mince in there and that was really bad. I've just been wet since I got here. Last night was the first night that I slept in my own bed with Emmy because she's

no longer viral. But, god damn. I'm still coughing a little. Yeah, I'll probably get it tomorrow on the drive to Dayton. That's what's going to happen to me. I got to blow my nose. You guys vamp. Yeah, tomorrow. It's here now. Yeah. Why do you have to blow your nose, stupid? Picture of health. It didn't get me. I never felt sick. It was just funny that I slept in the van. Yeah, you had one tired day. Yeah. And then, yeah, I went to bed real hard that last night. Meanwhile, no day's off for me. Champions don't get a call in sick. Yeah. Lund, you did have that one day where you were like,

but I was like, is he okay? And I was like, yeah, one day a week, he's just kind of But I was like, is he okay? And I was like, yeah, one day a week he's just kind of frog faced. He needs this. Sleeping in the van was surprising because I was in the very back, which you were kind of whipping around those tight turns and shit. Uh, so I was like, there's no way. And then Bonzo was sleeping back there with me and I was like, well, he's sick. And then when I woke up and knew that I had slept pretty hard, I was like, uh-oh. But I never, and even, uh,

since I got back, I didn't ever feel fucked up, jet lagged or sick. I just, I did sleep weird. Like I didn't, didn't sleep a ton. I was, it was off. Sleep schedule was off. Now I've stayed up late a few nights in a row and slept in, but I don't know. Well, yeah, you're probably exhausted from all that birthday banging you've been up to. You've been in the 43 year old bone zone, welcoming your dick into the next world. The lurid details that you put in the group chat are like so upsetting. And I just hope that

Susanna never learns to read so that that won't befall her. She's not supposed to read that stuff. That's not she has. She has access to my Facebook. It's kind of like Netflix when you share the password, but she's in there. And she is mixing it up with a bunch of Russian bots. But on parental controls. I don't know. I want her to learn. You know what Brent and I talked about, Reminist,

was- Can't imagine. Well, our big group chat that we had for a while, that was pretty good. That was pretty good stuff. Pretty good work was done in there. Was that me, you, Steve, AJ, Brent, Uris? There were like 10 people. There were a bunch of people in there and it was pretty wild for like a year and a half. Well any enclosure with the great white rhino and the black bear, Steve A.J., in it is going to be a violent, crazy place. Yeah, I think I left. Steve A.J. said so many things that I'm like-

It got crazy. If this screenshot surfaces and even if it's Steve A.J. saying it, but then the reaction is me with three laughing crying faces, I could still get federal charges for this. Just like not immediately leaving the chat or saying, I've reported this to the FBI. Yeah, A.J.'s nuts. Dude, did you get his wedding invite? No. Oh my God, bro.

Ah, fuck. I think we tossed it because it was too hot. I saw your Instagram story. Why would you toss it? You've had it for two days. You have a giant house. Put it in the- I picked it up without an oven mitt and I burned all my fingerprints off.

That's how hot this thing was. That's how black Yeah, it was a picture of the two of them black envelope You open it up black suede interior interior You take out the picture. It's a photo that might as well just be monochromatic That's how black they are in the photo and it looks like they're on a Miles Davis album cover, but you know, fucking, oh, what's her name? Oh, fuck. Erika Badu was the photographer. That's how black this thing looks. Yeah, it went really hard.

I'm going to turn off my announcements. Yeah. So shout out to Steve A.J. I can't believe you found a woman who will marry your crazy black ass, but she's lucky to have you, man, because no one's made me laugh harder than the extreme thoughts of Steve A.J. I mean, he would make our crumb blush. That's how horny. And when Brent Gill's thrown in there, the man without a past from Parts Unknown, you know, the mind undertaker. The man who is masturbating more than he isn't masturbating? Right, yeah.

Somehow, his phone time counts as wax and he's coming in at 13 hours a day. He makes your screen time look like nothing. His Apple Watch quit. He was like, I'm sick of this. This is- It actually hung itself. Much like the worker who made it, it threw itself off of the scaffolding in the warehouse. Yeah, I almost did not post anything about my birthday. I took it off of my Facebook a few years ago because I don't-

Too old. No, I don't want or need a bunch of- People don't know how old you are. I've said this. I don't need to see the comment HBD a dozen times from people I haven't talked to in forever, maybe never met. Maybe a comic who saw me on a show and didn't speak to me but sent me a friend request. I don't need HBD from them.

I just pretend like every one of them means, hello, big dick. I'm like, yep, that's me. Yeah,, big Dick. That's me. Yeah, that's good. Control the narrative. Uh, so yeah, I don't regret that, but I did end up posting on Instagram and I got some love and it was good, but I might as well say this, get this out of the way. Uh, Hey fellas, Hey fans, podcast listeners don't sexually harass me. How about that? I'm, I'm over it. What?

I've had I told you there was a guy that was like hitting me up. Well now there's a couple more and I don't like it So well enough you know what? I love you, but I see you right fucking through this. Oh How am I gonna prevent people from? sexually fucking through this. Oh, how am I going to prevent people from sexually hitting me up? Oh, I know. I'll bring it up on the podcast and say, I don't like it. Very good, Nathan. Yeah, that's what I do. That's what I do. That's you changing HBD to heavy big dong or whatever mine, whatever you're doing. I don't, I don't do that. I don't want people to get my DMs. That's what you get for responding to people, for thinking that you're fun and reachable. So- Hey, whatever you guys do, don't sexualize Nathan in his direct messages, please.

Yeah. Well, dude, I love you, but that's the worst way to get something- Oh, I love you, but you think I'm full of shit, dude, I love you. But like, that's the worst way to get something. You think I'm full of shit. No, no, no, I don't. I know you're not full of shit. I know you're not full of shit. I'm just saying that's the worst way to keep people are going to do it more now. Even the ones who aren't honestly horny for you are now going to come at you. They are because you're saying that they should and will. So you're blowing it. You can cut this Becker. You can cut this, Becker.

You can cut this if you want. I honestly think this is gonna entice people into doing it more. Whatever, no. I'm being earnest and you're like, oh yeah, you love it. No, I don't. I know, I know.

You have a fever. But you're not sick. I'm pulling off the Joker paint right now? I honestly think that that's gonna get people. I honestly think that that's going to get people. I don't think that you did that, so you can just be like, ooh, I hate being pinched. I just think that people are going to do it more. If you honestly hate it, we should probably just pull this part. Joker makeup back on.

I'm the devil, such and so forth. Are you wearing silk pajamas? I know you normally sleep nude, but that looks like it's made out of pillowcase. No, dude. This was a... I had to go no pillowcase last night because I sweat through them immediately. This is a Filson fly fishing shirt. It's got one of those flaps on the back.

It's like a Brent Gill shirt, but you can wear it to a wedding. He's the golf comedian now. Yeah. Thank God he's some type of comedian now. For a while, he was that guy who ran that show in Boulder. Yeah. No, it was good to see him. And he also, he tried to like make sure that I would come see him by texting and

being like, Hey, I'm going to be there later tonight. And I was like, cool. Uh, let me know. He's like, it'll probably be like 1115, but you know, it sure would be nice to see. Yeah. I'll be right there. It'd be silly not to say hello. This is a guy who has come through, I think twice come through Trinidad

and not said anything to me. He just, he saw Becker and did not. And he said he forgets that I live here, which hurts. I know all six places he gets mail. So I don't know why he can't keep up with me moving from Denver to another place and that's it. That's too much for him. I mean, I guess it's, you know, he so many relationships. He's busy not telling us that he's in so You know, he can't remember where his good friends live Yeah, I mean that's like the that's the stonedest stupidest thing anyone's ever said

Hey, I'm coming to see Jake Becker the producer of your podcast. I'm gonna be in Trinidad Is that anywhere near where you live? Hey Brent get off the pipe and the old lady estrogen that you're fucking taking in through your skin All those ladies he's banging or wearing estrogen patches He gets it through osmosis he's got fucking you know girl brain he thinks he's stealing a nicotine patch Yeah, but yeah, they're out of the box. So he grabs the wrong one. Yeah. It was very funny. Because none of them are using tampons. They're all past that. They're well beyond those high school memories.

When I thought- Brett, we're on to you. I forgot to ask him how old he will be. Cause he's what, how old is he? Is he going to turn? He's two years younger than you or something. No, he's older than me. Yeah. He was a junior when I was a freshman. So he'll be 40 probably.

Yeah. He has to go down there and split a big bag of money with Becker once a month. You think he could fucking pop over and see the tank top Rasta, Nate Lund. Yeah, it was funny. It's like, oh yeah, you make sure to make time for Becker, but not the other guy you know that you've known longer. I mean, yeah. On my birthday, he says this.

And like I said, it's after he like tries to preemptively, like I was going to go over to Becker's. Yeah, I took a fucking weed nap. So I was going to go over to Becker's. I took a fucking weed nap so I was ready to party. So I'm going to go over there, but he's like, oh, it'd be silly not to meet up on your birthday. Okay. Oh, I think he was afraid you were as jet lagged as I had been up until like the middle of yesterday.

Did you tell him that you were all fucked up? Yeah. So he kept like texting me and then I'd respond like six hours later at two o'clock in the morning and be like, sorry, my phone was charging and I was trying desperately to go to sleep. I mean, Brent Gill's living like that movie Catch Me If You Can, but no one's after him. He thinks he's like some kind of fucking high-flying spy who cracked the code on boarding early at Southwest. He's a spy already.

And now the Russians want him for the state secrets he has about who has the heaviest kush. He watched the machine and then went to bed. And when he woke up, he thought that he was the target. I'm Dan Kay. Yeah. Dan Kay on the run. You remember when he went by Dan Kay? Yeah, he had two pseudonyms because he was Brent the Great and then on marijuana

radio he was Dan Kay and it's like, who are you? What's your last name, dickhead? Right. So like that was early in our friendship and me and him and Roger and Dick Black would hang out all the time and I remember when he did the radio, I was so stupid and so young and so stoned that I was like, okay, okay. So his stage name is Brent the Great, obviously, but his real name must be like Dan Kirkland or like Dan Kurtowski. He's probably like Dan Brent Kurtowski, but he goes by Brent

the Great. So I remember asking him one day, I was like, so dude, what's like, what is your real ass name? And he was like, Gil. And I was like, well, why don't you go by Dan G? And he was like, what? And I was like, well, you know, why don't you go by Dan G if it's Gil? And he was like, dude, Dan K is dank and my name is Brent Gil.

And I was like, legalize it, man, okay. Sitting in that fucking marijuana radio room, getting so high with dudes with white dreadlocks who would, if you had a white lighter, they would take it from your hand and throw it out the window. And they fucking carried around extra bags of lighters to hand out. I mean, just some of the worst. I wish, I wish Galaxy Guest was around back then, so they all would have OD'd. What is that? Galaxy Guest?

It's that new Wippet that's flavored like vape cartridges. Oh, it's like- Dude, it's gotten huge. Okay. It's pretty much what the guys in Fast and Furious used to go the extra speed, but now kids are just doing it in the bathroom at school. Kids are literally carrying around this giant tank and just being like, It's allegedly what got Kanye all crazy.

Yeah. Their baby wants milk. They're just total Dennis Hopper, but they're 13. Oh dude. I was at marijuana radio one time in a circle. We were going to smoke weed and somebody chucked a white or yellow lighter out the window or out the door and it was mine and they're like, sorry, bro, no white or yellow lighters.

And I was like, who get that? That's the reason you're unemployed and undateable is that white lighters are bad luck. It ended up. That's the reason shifty shell shock died because he was holding a red lighter. you're unemployed and undateable is that white lighters are bad luck. It ended up- That's the reason Shifty Shellshock died because he was holding a red lighter. He chucked it into the back of my truck, so I got it back. A week later, I saw it in the back of my truck.

I was like, oh, hell yeah. Dude, I'm having a complete deja vu flashback to you telling me this exact story outside of 404 standing by your truck. Whoa. I think I was there when you reached it and you found it and you were like, oh, look at this. Ha ha. Lun never dies. They say he's still dancing. Yeah. I think I was there for that. That's how it went. Yeah. I was pretty annoyed. It's like, just give it back to me then. Don't use it.

You don't have to, oh, you have to get it out of the room or else dark magic is going to make you get a DUI. It was insane. Dude, I had a, speaking of being too stoned in a place where you don't know anyone, the couple days after I left you guys, I was hazy IPA, man. I was. I know. Because there's that kid, Steven, who listens to the pod.

Shout out, Steven, who used to live in Perth. But when I arrived in Perth, he had his buddy. My flight, dude, I told you my flight was canceled, right? Yeah. Yes. We were still together when you were dealing with that, scrambling to fix that. Right.

And then my brain broke in the airport and I like lost it in the lounge for a while. At one point, I don't know what it was. I mean, my wife and I were bickering and then also I think it was the first time I was alone and still in three months. I got in that fucking lounge and I was like, fuck, Emily hates me. I didn't really say goodbye to my friends. I'm such a fucking baby. Then I was crying in the bathroom, but it was in the Emirates lounge.

It was the best lounge there is. I'm in there and at one point I feel like I'm crying so loud that I was like, yeah, I'm crying in here, which might be the craziest thing you can do. If you're, imagine. Holy shit. I wondered if you were going to share this and then I thought about doing what you would have done, which is to bring it up immediately. And I thought, you know, he really might not want to talk about it, so I'm not gonna.

And here you are being vulnerable. But that was part of the problem is that you don't often or you're getting better about it, but you used to never show any weakness to anyone, especially other comics, especially your close friends, because you didn't think you could. And it's like, dude, nobody is like expecting you to just, I don't know. So I'm glad, yeah, I'm glad. Be real, be real, so I can still.

Yeah, but I would never do that if anyone that I knew was around. I would have just kept champing it and swallowing it. But yeah, as soon as I was alone. Which you did for three months or whatever, just any stress or. No, no. I don't know.

I mean, I was just like, what we achieved in New Zealand was like, I don't know. The best thing I've ever been a part of collaboratively. Really? I mean, dude, seeing some of those shots that were coming out of like Joe and Bonzo's cameras and then that little thing that Pat posted, it's like, holy fuck. We have been doing a fun YouTube series where we travel around and we goof off. This felt like we actually achieved, and also Rome felt that way, of just like we achieved actual travel content. You

know? Yeah. Yeah. Like yes, we goofed around, but in Paris, it's like the Eiffel Tower was just at the end of episode three. Like we got a full thing in the Coliseum with two cameras and a 3D camera. Like we did literally everything you're supposed to do in New Zealand. So I just had this like real sense of pride and then the fact that I was so sour that morning, I was just like, fuck, I just showed my ass to my buddies because me and my wife were fighting. Yeah, so I don't know, I was just like in that stall, but can you imagine, dude, you're like trying to take a dump.

You, it's like, okay, imagine we're in this setup we have right here where it's the three of us and we're all in stalls. Right, we're all in toilets. Right. We're all in toilets and it's like the floor to ceiling doors. They build it in there so you can like pretty much vape or smoke if you want to. It's the Emirates lounge. You could kill a girl in there and still catch your flight.

Soundproof. Yeah. So imagine you guys are in here shoving out, you're dumping, one of you is vaping and you just... Jacking it. The whole time you're on the bowl even when you come in you think you hear crying But then you're like, well, no way someone's crying and then you get in the stall and you're like, oh someone's someone's crying

So you just like sit there, you know You're on the bowl eight ten twenty minutes depending on where you're flying from and your diet And you're like that guy's fucking crying you but you're like texting people, like, I think a guy's crying in here. And then out of nowhere, you hear, yeah, I'm fucking crying here. Call the cops. Did anyone laugh? I don't know. I don't think anyone laughed. I wasn't like paying attention to footsteps.

Once you decide you're going to cry in the Emirates lounge, you're like, I don't care now. I'm going to get it all out. I was in there for like an hour. I texted Lunn. I was like, would you know if you're having a mental break? And he was like, I think just asking this question is like proof that you're not. You said some nice stuff. Well, yeah, it sucked that you were now apart away from us, away from me, but going through it because we were together. And I, like you said, it was part of it happening is that you were alone for the first time reflecting or freaky or, you know, like probably part of the release after a bunch

of, you know, stress or worry leading up to and during the shoot, right? And then you're maybe a little stressed because you're leaving everybody, including your wife, to do another show. And doing something that sucks, like going that far backwards. I added 15 hours to travel, like actual flight time in the air time. So yeah. How was the show? There was many reasons. So that's what I was going to say. I get there that Stephen Kidd has his buddy whose name I can't remember, but was a real sweetheart, had weed ready for me and he was going to Uber Eats it over to me, but he couldn't because it was after midnight. I got in like 1 a.m. So, God bless him, the guy who worked for Tech Dainty, Jay,

drove me to this dude's house and the guy gave me a bunch of weed and a cinnamon roll and some mandarin oranges and a Fanta. And I got to that hotel room at like two and just went off king, dude. It was a five-star hotel. It had the shower that had four shower heads. I sat in the middle where the water didn't hit me and just smoked joint after joint in the hotel room, dude. Fuck yeah. And I was listening to Slow Mosa and that Men album, and I was just like, it was as close as I've ever come

to Last Tango in Paris, where I was just floating. All the adrenaline that I had was out of my body, and I was just nodding off of this very strange weed. Oh, you know what else happened that day? I didn't have any Zins, and also I wasn't high, so I was having this complete mental breakdown, sober and without Zins and also like I wasn't high so I was having this complete mental breakdown Sober and without zins because you couldn't buy him anywhere. I bought a vape in the airport I couldn't figure out how to work it next thing. You know, I'm fucking crying in here It was Why say it like that like why say it confrontational not, you know, like you're throwing down a gauntlet, like, hey, come in here!

Do something about it! I'm crying! I'm a man like you! I'm a big man! Who's in the Emirates lounge! And I'm still ripped in half! My hope is there for you! I'm happy every other day of my life!

This is my first breakdown. How many of you had? Yeah So then I Didn't like drink to numb it though. I was like I could drink as much as I want in this lounge I was like that'll just suck. I'll just be sad later. Yeah So I get to the Perth one and I also have a big cry there. I'll tell you what though, Perth is like the mining hub.

There were so many guys in high vis. I bet that that airport is the number one airport for dudes crying for their first time in a long while. I bet so many guys have to call home. They work in the mine for three months. They finally get back to town. Their flight's the next day. They've got 120,000 cash in their pocket.

They go to the casino. They lose it all next day. Baby, I was robbed. Something happened. I don't know. I think it was one of the fellas. Just crying. I think a lot of men have just been bifurcated in that airport, so it felt like a safe place.

I saw two dwarves in high vis. Whoa. At the show or in Perth? No, in Perth. Yeah, just two dwarves in high vis. One of them was holding the sign and it was so much taller than him. Yeah, Perth rules. I'm so glad I did it.

Shout out to Dicey and her husband who came. I received probably a half ounce of weed and I was flying out the next day. Someone gave me five old school Dexys. I wish I was a speed guy, but that was nice of you. What'd you do with them? I have them in my ibuprofen bottle. Take them so that you could cry harder? I'm crying and my heart's going real fast.

I'm grinding my teeth. Yeah, it was an awesome show. So many pod fans. It was, dude, some kids drove like eight hours. They were like, dude, we drove in from the bush like eight hours. And I was like, what are you going to do? Are you going to stay here? And they were like, no.

And one of them pulled out a bunch of pills and shook them up and it was more Dexys. So yeah, we got some real ones. It's so exciting for me to know that we have listeners of this stupid podcast in the remotest city. Maybe Honolulu is the remotest capital, but I think Perth is the most remote city in the world. And it's just nice that people are listening there. New Zealand, dude, those people giving a shit about us in New Zealand.

When we started this podcast, did you think one day we'll be receiving free weed in New Zealand at a sold out show that our fans are at? No, from wrestlers. Why am I crying in here? Everything's going great. Now I'm mad at myself. Ancet, wrestlers gave me weed. I wore the Australian championship belt.

Yeah, Southern pro. Yeah. I was going to say, I did not have that thing that I get sometimes in just a regular weekend somewhere where I have so much fun for like a day or two. And then there's it hits where like I have no serotonin. And so I feel like super tired and like gr grumpy and it's literally from having too much fun. I didn't hit that in New Zealand, which was awesome. I didn't have the come down.

It was just a good time the whole time with little bits of stress like, oh, behind schedule. Oh, it's cold. But yeah, I never had the big, ah, fuck. I'm not gonna be super fun today. And that was nice. Bro, you were such a fucking rock solid. You were just an anchor, dude. You were so good all the time.

I was waiting for you to be over it because I've spent long periods of time with you and I know that you need to like, replenish your social battery. But yeah, you never hit that wall and you were so funny on and off camera. You were just like really the glue. It was like, I don't know.

You were so on. Well, yeah. Well, because as you said, we were talking about how everybody brings something very important to the, to wide world. And so even though you can think that somebody is like not blowing it, but like, I don't know, you just like, can't you don't, nobody has anything on anybody else because you know, Becker and Emily did all of the planning and Joe and Bonzo are working pretty much more than us because when we're not on

camera, we can chill, but they're still getting more footage and they just have their gear on them all the time. Pat has to stay on top of sound, kind of. But then you said when we were kind of like, not congratulating each other, but kind of pumping each other up, we're killing it. When we only had a few days left, it was like, all right, let's just keep doing what we're doing, finish strong. Everybody's killing it. Everybody is like doing their job.

And then, uh, I think you said like, you've got like, to me, you're like, you've got like the best job there is. And I was like, shut up. I just have to be funny and not a dickhead. Right. For most of the day. Because it dawned on me, because I was like, I have the least stress on this trip

that I've ever had because of Becker and Emily planning everything. And I was like, God, I have a fucking, I just have to be funny with my friends? And then I was like, this is easy. Wait, who has it even easier? Fucking back up me. They just I talk a bunch of shit and then you and then you get to say something funny as I'm like here

We are in the glow worm caves and then you're like, I got a glow worm for you pal. You take my head and shove it towards your crotch. It's just you just gonna be this machine gun. But yeah, I didn't say that as a way to, you know, make you think your job was in jeopardy. No, it was funny though, and I was acting like I didn't want word to get out for Bonzo and Joe to be like, wait a minute, or Pat. Hold on.

Wait a minute, he's not doing anything. Right. But I am, and yet I am. You know when I quit crying is when I was able to kind of like, I don't know, masculinize it. I quit crying when I thought of you in the rain screaming in your dog dick slicker. I was like, look, no one has ever, no one in this bathroom has ever put together something that cool where that moment can happen organically.

And that's when I was like, yeah, I am the man. I'm the fucking man. And then I was like, well, we didn't get any penguins. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. God forbid somebody doesn't get penguins. Yeah. Sam's getting upset.

Sam's getting hungry. I wish I had pretzels to make me thirsty. We have an ad read. I feel like this could be a good free one for the people. And also Becker, do you think you'll have this out today? I can get it out today. Well, I just didn't promote the Dayton shows. It's like Dayton Bessettes headlining.

That's how many people are coming. Yeah, I can edit this this afternoon. No problem. I mean, no pressure. I don't think that us getting it out is going to save the weekend, but god damn it. This is why I don't want to be here in the summer because everyone's in a goddamn hot air balloon and no one's in a comedy club. Yeah. But I also could have promoted them, but I was busy dicking around on the other side of the world. I think you have a lot of fans who know to go to the website that is your name and-

Yeah, don't say it. samtalent.com. Yeah, don't say it. SamTalent.com. Two L's. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You've only taken two L's in your life and they're in your last name. So I think you do a good job of letting people know where you're going to be. I mean, your website works. I appreciate that.

Do the work, people. We have not one but two ad reads. Two of our... What? An old favorite and then a new friend. Yeah, new favorite. First up, stop getting FOMO and get ExpressVPN. Stop feeling like you're missing out and get ExpressVPN.

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has a great product for you. And it doesn't work in slow-mo. Netflix has more. Most times when you're there for the big event, it's a mass shooting these days. So that's why I'm a homo. And I'm going to stay home, bro. You're hoping to miss that one. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like, oh, what? So the odds, what am I going to miss out on? Okay. Does Anna Nicole Smith come back to life and her tits fall out at the farmer's market? Or does a guy print a ghost gun and make his girlfriend feel bad about leaving? I am a homo. As a homo, I love ExpressVPN because it makes it easier to be home.

That's right. Netflix has more than 18,000 titles globally, but only about 7,000 of those are available in the US. That's great. That means you're missing out on tons of great shows unless you're using ExpressVPN. There's no better time to be a homo. That's the only way to see New Zealand today on Netflix. We love New Zealand today.

I fucking do. Dude, that was also fucked because we went to Huntley. Watch New Zealand today. I sent it to Adam Eget. He loves it. He's the funny guy. So we went to Huntly, which Guy Williams said was the worst city in New Zealand. That's why we knew about Huntly. And it was between our stop and Auckland on the way to the airport. And I needed syringes to shoot up my monjaro and that was the worst city in all of the country to try and get needles. Yeah. Every place I walked into they were like, oh, okay. Yeah. We've never heard this story before, buddy. Get out of here. It also sounded like they had a special needle applicator for their diabetic patients. When I was with Sam at the second one, the guy was explaining, we don't have syringes, we just have the needle tips for the diabetic thing. Right.

They own... Because when you get Manjaro... Am I talking through the right mic? No. No. Hold on. Let me turn this fan off too because it's being loud. Yeah, now you're good. Okay, so Becker, what they have is they have the single needles that you put on your Manjaro tube.

When I finally, at the fifth fucking pharmacy I went to in Perth was able to find syringes. The guy kept saying, hey, okay, well, we have something called a fit pack. And he was like, and I was like, okay, yeah, whatever, dude, like, that's fine. And he's like, okay, but like, you're going to have a fit pack on you. And I was like, that's fine. I don't know what I don't know what that is. I guess it's fine. And he's like, and he laughed. And then he goes, and this is what a fit pack is, dude. Whoa. It's for people who do heroin. It's for people who use injectable drugs.

And it has like all of the information you need on there, like all the resources. It's like, if you're gonna use drugs, hey, we get it. But yeah, so I have this fit pack with me and I think it's pretty cool. That's nuts. Yeah. It's like, please get rid of fits carefully.

Dumping them in public places is a health danger for everyone and gives users a bad name. Users of what? Insulin? I think I know what we're talking about here. Yeah. Damn. But anyway, I found my FitPak and it would have been a lot easier to know about FitPaks

if I had ExpressVPN on my phone. You know? Is that true? No. Yeah, because then I could have said, you know, needle exchange near me and it would have known or it wouldn't have known even better. I'm not sure how the product works, but Emily has one on her phone and she can watch SVU anywhere she goes.

Yeah. Well, I'll tell you, ExpressVPN lets you change your online location so you can control where Netflix thinks you're located. Kind of a catch me if you can situation. Just switch to another country and gain access to tons of new content. Yeah, it is great. You get to lie to Netflix. That's what I like.

It's like, oh yeah, you think you know me? You don't know shit Netflix. I watch what I want. You think you know me. You think you know me. Is that Edge or Christian? Edge. Yeah, it's a great way to get what you want. Get around some of the restrictive random controls that some of the big streamers and websites try to use to hold you down. I don't know if you're supposed to use it to gamble, but you can. Yeah. And I think it plays a couple of bets on the summer league.

Which I think just wrapped up. But, uh, yeah. It's common, which means no one's going to see me for a while. ExpressVPN is so easy to use. It works on phones, laptops, tablets, smart TVs and more. Just fire up the app and click one button to get started. You can even stream in HD with zero buffering. So movie night just got way better.

So be smart. Me and my wife, I can't wait to be a couple of homos just watching that new Happy Gilmore. That's going to be great. Yeah. Is that tomorrow? Yeah, but I want to watch the Filipino version. So that's where ExpressVPN comes in.

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of their content. Get your money's worth at ExpressVPN.com slash chubby. Don't forget to use our link at ExpressVPN.com slash chubby to get an extra four months of Express VPN for free. I'm addicted. It's like a fit pack for your, for your Roku. For your brain. I mean, shit, that's finally like a good, not finally, but another good deal from our

sponsors. Four months free is pretty sick. Finally. Thank God. Here's what I'm, are we done with the ad? Yeah. All right, well here's what I'm worried about is why do they keep coming back? Our listeners must really be using ExpressVPN a bunch if they keep buying ads.

I would imagine. It's a good VPN. Great VPN. Love it. Yeah. I mean, I think it's just a popular thing for a lot of reasons, not just the one you're thinking of, Sammy. I'm not thinking of anything except for your next sponsor.

Well, yeah, this is a new friend. I'm a homo, not a pomo. My mother-in-law is calling me. Oh, happy birthday. She's a day late. Oh, thank you. And a dollar short. Becker wasn't sure it was your birthday yesterday either.

I thought it was though. I was pretty confident. You did. Yeah, so my Uncle Tom's birthday today and then Joe's birthday and then Bonzo's birthday. I think it's the 26th and 29th Mmm, so that's probably part of why you can never remember mine is that you have so many so many July birthday friends I posted a nice thing of you yesterday. I knew it was your birthday Yeah, it was great

read the ad Shit Yeah, it was great. Read the ad. Uh, shit. Uh, if life is getting to be too much, Sam, and you want to just cry in an airport bathroom, grab a gummy. I totally am in here. You knew it. Life is getting to be too much. I totally am in here. You knew it. Life is getting to be too much. Well, next time you're freaking out, grab a gummy and mentally log off for a while.

In the Cloud makes legal hemp-derived THC products that taste good and give you the experience you want. Now, there is no surprise for them coming on board. These guys are just right for our listeners and the ExpressVPN users, both. They're trying to watch Netflix, UK or whatever. Well, if you use too much ExpressVPN, you need to forget and that's where into clouds comes in. I came home to that big box and Yeah, and I have been plowing through dude I yesterday I woke up at 1 30

I ate two of those grape gummies which tastes fucking killer had a cup of coffee went to the basement Next thing you know it was like 7 30 p.m. And I'd made a hundred and twenty shirts that say Dayton on them I've sold,'ve sold 75 tickets. So hopefully, people are going to want a couple. No, I think I made 120 shirts and I think we've sold 143 tickets. So I really, I need to move these younes. But yeah, great product. Huge fan. Also, they had pre-rolls in there. Maybe they'll fire one of those up after this. They're pretty good. I smoked two of them yesterday. Get the shower going. Sit on the floor.

No, I'm not crying in here anymore. I'm good. I think honestly what it was is I had so much fun and then I had to flip the switch. I had to expel whatever it was. In the clouds makes it easier to never feel an emotion. That's what I prefer. I told you that you, and you said you'd been going hard, like even though you were in France and England and it was kind of a vacation, you were finishing your book. I finished a novel while I was there. You did a bunch of shows. It's not a real, stop moving. Dude.

I'm sorry. It's not a real, stop moving. Yes. Dude, I'm sorry. You're crossing your legs in a skinny way that Brent doesn't understand. He's like, why are these guys like Schultz crossing their legs completely? And it's like, because they're not fat. He was like, I don't get it. My balls are down there.

And it's like, yeah, and your giant thighs. Anyway, you were working hard and then you had a little time to reflect and let out a lot of stress that you had probably held onto because you wanted to just finish strong or whatever, get to the other side of a wide world. Are you okay? Yeah, no, I'm good. Don't know why my mic, I'm not moving anymore, but my mic keeps switching. I guess I just literally can't move putting on lipstick. Is it plugged in firmly?

Hey Becker great question super producer, what do you think the first thing I checked was How firmly it was plugged on both sides? Yeah. Oh, yeah Thank you Nadov Yeah. Oh yeah. I, uh, huh. But you know, thank you, Nadav. I appreciate that. Well, while you figure that out, let me, uh, let me read this copy. Uh, in the cloud has different THC levels available. THC levels. Shut up.

So you can choose whether you Your mic cutting out so I can read this I cut it out and choose which in the cloud you use You can choose whether you just want to float or fully launch if you if it's a real check this out situation And you want to fucking trampoline in space? If you want to get double bounced by God, check out their gummies, babes, concentrates and more. And yes, we did get a big old cool box of stuff. The gummies are great, pre-rolls. So yeah, you can really party or chill depending on what you're going for. You want

to cry in the airport, that's fine. You're still a man. What if you don't want to cry in the airport? You're not a baby girl. I'm high in here and I'm crying and all my dreams came true, so it's super confusing. I don't have anything to cry about. Why am I sad? It's gratitude and fear, but hey I'm crying. I've said I've set an impossible pace, and I don't know if I can keep it up forever Someone knocks on the door. They're like hey, we want to help you. No no one can help me

They're like please trust us they open it up. There's three guys with cameras. Are you here to fuck a 15 year old? They get my ass It's the wrong stall There's three guys with cameras. Are you here to fuck a 15 year old girl? They get my ass. It's the wrong stall. The emirates lounge is the right place to do it. They're like, Hey, okay. We actually, uh, we got the wrong stall. We heard the crying and so we figured we had our man. No, no, I'm crying for a different thing and I'm doing it real loud.

Uh, but yeah, you, uh, the listener, you got to try it for yourself. Their products are vegan, lab tested and delicious. Oh yeah, we're still doing the ad read. Yes. If you're 21 or older, now's your chance to float above the stress because IndieCloud is giving all new customers 25% off their first order plus free shipping. Another great deal. Just use code chubby or click the link in the show notes to claim your discount. That's into cloud dot co i n d a c l o u d dot co. Use code chubby for free shipping plus 25% off your first order. And when you order, fill out that quick little survey.

It helps support the show and keeps into cloud sending you the good stuff. So go ahead, tell future you you've got it covered, then grab a gummy and vibe out with into cloud. Dude, it's so cool that we have a podcast that we just get weed in the mail and then talk about how cool it is. And then they give me some money for it. 12 bucks. Yeah. Pretty sick.

Yeah. And then we go to New Zealand and people are like, oi. They don't say oi. They say, hey, I love the podcast, man. Love the podcast. True. Yeah. Truth.

That's all I got. That's pretty good. The truth. Oh yeah. My flight was also. The true. Oh yeah. My flight was also canceled from San Francisco to Detroit. I was just like you guys. Whoa. Sorry.

Yeah, that did suck. After having nothing, I just kept wondering, all right, are we going to get pulled over? Are we going to miss out on something? Is something going to be weird with the Airbnbs? Miscommunication? Is this old van going to overheat? Nothing. Flat tire? No. Everything went smoothly. And then on the way home, we go, me, Pat, Joe, Becker go Auckland to Sydney, Sydney to LA, LA to Denver. Everything's fine except when we hit fucking LA. Because they make you go from customs to the other side of the giant airport, and then you have to take a shuttle to get to the right gate. And it's like, why? You didn't have to do this.

Is it because the nuggets spank your little Lakers? They fucked us. And then Becker, out of the four of us, Becker's the one that gets to make the flight because he went outside and smoked that saved his good. Smoking's good. Yeah. That's crazy. He makes it to cigarettes. So I thought I was for sure. Fuck.

Cause how far the walk was to the gate we had to be at. Yeah. You thought you were behind or yeah, behind us. You were not pack up. Every little thing added up. Pack up flagged by security had to put his shoes through the X-ray couple extra minutes. These are some of the biggest shoes we've ever seen and we want to make sure you're not smuggling people into America in your novelty-sized feed boats.

Also, they reek like you might have squished a couple of mice inside of them. So, yeah, we got to run you. You know what? Why don't we just strip you off and run you through? Get on the belt, big boy. Well, yeah. And then, yeah, when we get to where we think the gate is, these two gate agents are like, hey, yeah, there's a shuttle, but we don't think you're going to make it because

they're going to close the door soon. And it's like, okay, can you radio ahead? Let them know, let us get on the shuttle now. They're like, we got to hold you up for a second so that you don't make it. And then self-fulfilling prophecy, we were correct. And it's like, okay, this has been a minute and a half. What if we just got on the shuttle? We get on, they let us get on the shuttle.

We take the six minute shuttle. It's like, okay, surely they've radioed the gate. Hey, we have three more passengers. We know when they're going to get there. It's going to be another three and a half minutes. No, we walk up to the gate. It says real big, door closed. And it was like, hey, what's up?

And she's like, oh yeah, you just missed it. And it's like, why? Why did we miss this fucking flight? And it's like that American thinks, oh yeah, you can get through customs and recheck your bag and go through security and go to the, you know, get to the other side of the airport. There's no train. There's the moving walkway. that could save you a few seconds. But yeah, if everything goes perfectly, you'll probably make this connection.

It's not, I always heard that if you want to, if you want to make a tight connection, the best way to do it is to smoke a couple of cigs in between. Did it, did it when you got to the gate closed, were you like, well, at least Becker surely also didn't make his flight. That guy's good. No, we knew he was ahead of us. Oh my God. What did you do?

You didn't do anything about it, Becker? You got on? No, I told them at the gate that they were on the shuttle behind me. Oh, you got to stay at the door. You got to walk real slow and act like you're having some kind of spasm or fit or bout or some kind of palsy and just like freeze with your foot half on the plane, half out.

No, the lady did the thing of like, well, we're gonna close the door soon. And I was like, they're on the next shuttle. I know, we don't care. That's the thing. You think we care, sir? We don't. You guys are just ones and zeros to us,

mostly zeros. So why don't you get on? How many cigs did you eat, sir? It smells like you've had a couple cigars for breakfast. So what, you guys were trapped overnight? What happened to you? No, that flight was... We got to the gate at like 7.33 a.m., missed it. The next flight was full, but we were on the standby list. That was at 2.13 p.m. And she was like, I don't know, you know, there's two people ahead of you, so maybe the five of you get on on standby. It's like, what are the odds? 50-50? She's like, a lot of people do miss their flight out of this gate. And I said, because of the shuttle, because of the whole fuck you kind of a thing that the mouse trap that you've set up, you saw Jigsaw motherfuckers. And she was like, yes,

yeah, a lot of people have trouble with the shuttle. Okay. So maybe but she's like, did you try smoking a couple cigarettes? We had a guy who smoked a couple and he was fine. You guys must be slow. She pokes you in the belly. She's like, I think here's the problem. Well, yeah, we weren't running through the airport like the McAllisters, but we were shagging ass. We picked up the pace and it wasn't enough. We picked up the pace and it wasn't enough. But, um, oh yeah. So that, so odds were it was up in the air whether we could get on that 2 13 flight and if we didn't wish the next one that was free, you know, that they could, that they could put us on was 7 45 PM.

And so we would have been in the airport for 12 hours. It would have been awful. So I ended up doing probably the nicest thing I've ever, uh, a person has ever done at LAX. I bought a one way ticket on United so that I was one less person on the standby list. And then Joe and Pat did get on, uh, 2013. I wish I would have bought a flight right away and just gotten the fuck out of there, but I didn't want to, uh, spend more money, but I hated the idea of, I would've gotten in at 11 PM, I still had to get my car from the Subaru dealership and drive

home, so I would've gotten home at like 2 30 AM. So I didn't want to risk any of that. And I, I, in my head, I'm like, uh, Joe and Pat were swearing quite a bit at the gate, not at the gate agent, but when we missed it, they were pissed and talking shit about LAX and Becker caught a few strays. They kept saying, this is bullshit. This is fucking retarded. You know, they said a lot of stuff and I was like, Becker sucks. Becker's the worst one. You went from, you went from heaters to bullets. Uh, and I just thought, oh, this isn't going to help. But like, if she can do anything,

she's not going to if she feels like we're being shitty. And then I thought, Oh, there's three grown men pouting and swearing. Yeah. Let me help these fat guys towel off and I'll get them on the next first class flight home. I found out my flight was killed. Oh, go ahead. Well I just thought, oh, maybe I'll be the chosen one because I wasn't like muttering that this is fucking bullshit, but I didn't want to be the one, even though I was the oldest and my birthday was right around the corner because it was Joe's pregnant wife Bree's birthday.

So I couldn't top that. And so I thought, okay, out of the three of us, Joe's got to be on this two o'clock flight for sure. And yeah, I didn't want to have it be weird where it literally was just one of us. Then me and Pat are stuck holding our dicks. So I bailed. Well, I flew nice from Melbourne to San Francisco, 100,000 miles right up front, Polaris, rocked and rolled.

But then I got to San Francisco and as I land, they're like, hey, your flight's canceled. And then they were like, we got you on another flight at 9 p.m. that night out of Oakland. So I would have had to go from San Francisco to Oakland 13 hours after I was, so I was like, no, no, no. So I buy a flight. Do you guys have a safe bathroom that I could maybe use for a little bit? They're like, they're nudging each other at the gate.

They're like, it's the guy from the Emirates Lounge. Remember? Remember they sent the CCTV footage around. He screamed that he was crying and then he laughed afterwards. He thought he was the Joker. He kind of thought it was cool when he yelled it and it might've been the only moment of reprieve he had for that sordid hour and a half weeping affair. Anyway, it's him. So I was like, okay, 11, it's eight o'clock. I flew through customs. I had three hours to kill. I took an Uber to the closest dispensary, went over there, got a hash pen. But as I'm in the Uber from the airport to the dispensary, it was an hour and 45 minute walk or a 10 minute car ride. And it said due to the proximity that the Uber was a dollar 30. That's how much it costs me. So I wait a long time, people keep

canceling. I finally get in an Uber that was a guy that just dropped off and like must have clicked accept and Then I hopped in his car. We pull away and he says he zooms it on the map and he says You're going ten minutes away. And I said, yeah. Yeah, I gotta go. I gotta go to work and he's like dollar 30 and he like pulls over on the side of the exit for the airport Dollar sir, sir. You must you must get, sir, you must get out, sir. You must get out. I was like, I'm not getting out of this car. That's crazy.

We're on the side of that road, dude. And he's like, okay, you pull up, you pull up, you get out, you cancel, you call Uber, you say it's not my fault. I said, I'm not doing that. Yeah, fuck you, dude. I sat in the back and smiled. Yeah, I sat in the back and smiled. I said, I'm not doing that.

And he was like, $1.30. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, that's nuts, man. But you got to take me to where I'm going. And he's like, you get out, you get out. And I was like, I'm pro. I just flew 14 hours. I'm not getting out of this Uber. And I said, call the cops. And then we rode to the fucking dispensary as he's yelling at me. And I'm fucking in the back like, there's nothing you can do, dude. and he's like you get out you're a good person you get out you call Uber I said I'm not a good person man take me to my destination I just kept yelling 14 hours 14 hours I didn't sleep on that flight I was insane I'd been weeping as I told you like

15 hours previous were you in the window? I watched four of the saddest movies I've ever seen on that flight. It was awesome. Four bangers, the kingdom, amazing film. On falling, maybe better. Oh my God.

But yeah, so it was just, that was an insane 10 minute. I'm not getting out, 14 hours. You must get out, you get out of here. No, no, no. You kept pulling over and unlocking the doors. And I said, no, no, it must, it took us like 22 minutes to get to the fucking dispensary but yeah that was pretty funny why it must have been a glitch because it's not like a 10-minute drive is ever a dollar thirty

no maybe one could just walk direct crow flies it was like maybe point four miles away from where I stood at pickup so I don't know what it was, but yeah, I'll post the receipt. Dollar 30. I'm supposed to feel bad? Yeah, I did tip. 100% tip. A dollar. Hey, we didn't mention it halfway through the episode like we should. So nobody knows about it, but we have a Patreon. Oh yeah check it out when you're use express VPN keep them guessing and go to patreon.com slash chubby behemoth We started the page. We should pretty much right away when we started the the podcast So there's a ton of great episodes some of the best right? I was gonna point this out that we had a big conversation about how to empower the pod and it is Becker coming out every weekend

So right now we're like right around $8,000. We'd like to get to 10 so we can use that extra two to fly Becker around and like make the pod like in person. We're going to get a fucking dumbass backdrop that we travel with. So you guys will think you're watching your favorite podcasts. I think we're going to sell some shirts to make a little kitty. So I wanted to ask the listeners, what designs do you want on a shirt? Please hit up Jake Becker, let him know. Go on the Patreon, post on there. Date in Ohio, Irvine, California,

Salt Lake City next weekend, Seattle. A lot of great dates coming up, samtalent.com, obviously Lund, Sisyphus Brewing. Oh, Detroit, I'm doing a show. December 26th and 27th. December 26th and 27th. Give the gift of Lund. Right. July 31st, I'm doing a show at Old Miami that benefits the NPR station here in Detroit, WDET.

Come to that, that'll be fun. What's Old Miami, the neighborhood or the venue? It's a bar and it's like a great dive bar downtown, but then they have this insane huge backyard and they have a band shell in there. It's one of the few places that Emily and her sister took me to when we were first dating. It was a cool place they went and we could shoot pool. Yeah, that'll be a fun show. They have a clam shell.

You're going to be singing and dancing and doing comedy out of the clamshell. Like, uh, what's her name? Carmen. Ah, shit. What's her name? Come on. You got it. She would wear the fruit on her head. Yeah. Carmen fruit bucket. Carmen banana head. Yeah. Ah, damn it. You get it. Clamshell. Sam's in a bikini spitting water out of his mouth like a fountain.

That's December 26th and 27th. This is just brewing everyone. Get those tickets now because with bits like that, they are going to fly. Shut up. I know. I love you guys. Goodbye. Bye.