Classic Audiobook Collection - Don Quixote in England by Henry Fielding ~ Full Audiobook [comedy]

Episode Date: January 5, 2024

Don Quixote in England by Henry Fielding audiobook. Genre: comedy Henry Fielding takes Cervantes' famously book-addled knight and drops him into the very different, very worldly landscape of eighteenth-century England. Don Quixote and his long-suffering squire Sancho Panza arrive at a country inn expecting a realm of honor, damsels, and noble causes, only to find a bustling crossroads of hunters, servants, squires, and self-important local officials. Quixote, convinced that chivalry can still set the world right, reads every gesture as a challenge and every coincidence as a sign of destiny. Sancho, hungry, practical, and armed with earthy proverbs, tries to keep his master from tumbling headlong into yet another misunderstanding. Around them, Fielding parades a gallery of English types - boisterous country gentry, slippery professionals, and electioneering schemers - exposing how vanity, appetite, and politics can make ordinary people just as mad, in their own way, as the knight of La Mancha. Part literary send-up and part sharp social critique, Don Quixote in England turns a familiar pair of wanderers into a witty lens on ambition, corruption, and the stubborn human need to believe in grand stories. For ad-free listening try our premium subscription Chapters (Approximate) (00:00:00) Chapter 1 (00:42:46) Chapter 2 (01:22:00) Chapter 3 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

don quixote in england by henry fielding this is a lebravox recording all librivox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit librivox dot org introduction manager author no prologue sir the audience will never bear it they will not bait you anything of their due I am the audience as very humble servant, but they cannot make a man-writer prologue, whether he can or no. Why, sir, there is nothing easier. I have known an author to bring three or four to the house with one play, and give us a choice which we would speak. Yes, sir, and I have now three in my pocket written by friends, of which I choose none should be spoke. How so? Because they have been all spoke already twenty times over. Let me see them, pray.

They are written in such damned cramp hands. You will never be able to read them, but I will tell you the substance of them. One of them begins with abusing the writings of all my contemporaries, lamenting the fallen state of the stage, and lastly assuring the audience that this play was written with a design to restore true taste, and they were proving it as the best symptom they can give of their having any. Well, a very good scheme. Maybe so, but it hath been the subject of almost every prologue for these ten years last past.

The second is in a different cast. The first twelve lines invade against all indecency on the stage, and the last 20 lines show you what it is. That would do better for an epilogue. But what is the third? Why, the third has some wit in it, and would have done very well, but for a mistake. Aye, what mistake?

Why, the often ever read my play, and taking it for a regular comedy of five acts, has fallen very severely on farce. However, it is a pretty good one, and will be very well for the first Gent Heel comedy you bring on the stage. But don't you think a play, with so odd a title as yours, requires to be a little explained? May they not be too much surprised at some things? Not at all. The audience, I believe, are all acquainted with the character of Don Quixote and Sancho.

I have brought them over into England and introduced them at an inn in the country, where I believe no one will be surprised that the knight finds several people as mad as himself. This I could have told them in forty dull lines if I would, but I rather chose to let it alone, for to tell you the truth I can draw but one conclusion from the prologues I have ever seen,

that the authors are so sensible of the demerits of their plays that they desire to set the audience asleep before they begin. But what real use is a bill of fare to any entertainment, where the guests are not left to their choice what part they will pick at, but are obliged to swallow the whole indifferently. Enter a player Sir, the audience makes such a noise with their canes

that if we don't begin immediately they will beat the house down before the play begins And it is not advisable to put them out of humour For there are two or three of the loudest cack calls In the gallery that ever were heard I'll be not frightened at that. Those are only some particular friends of mine, who are to put on the face of enemies at first

and be converted at the end of the first act. Order then to play away the overture immediately. Come, sir, what do you do with yourself? I shall dispose myself in some part of the house where I shall see and not be seen. And I can assure you, sir, if the audience are but half as well entertained with this play as I shall be myself, it will go off with universal applause.

Don Quixote in England Act 1, Scene 1, Scene 1, Scene and In Guzzle Sancho Never tell me, sir, of Don Quixote, or Don Bielzebub, Here's a man comes into my house and eats me out on it, and then tells me he's a knight-errant. He is an errant rogue, and if he does not pay me my bill, I'll have a warrant for him.

My master fears no warrant, friend. Had you ever been in Spain, you would have known that men of his order are above the law. Tell me not of Spain, sir. I am an Englishman, where no one is above the law. And if your master does not pay me, I shall lay his Spaniardship fast in a place where he shall find it as difficult to get out of as your countrymen have found it to get into Gibraltar. That's neither here nor there, as the old saying is. Many are shut into one place and out of another. Men bar houses to keep rogues out, and jails to keep them in. He that's hanged for stealing a horse today has no reason to buy oats for him tomorrow. Sirrah, your horse, nor your ass neither, shall have any more oats at my expense. never were masters and their beasts so like one another the don is just such another lean ramscallion as his what do you call him is rosinante and thou are just such another squat bag of guts as thy dapple

said my house and my stable once well emptied of you and if i ever suffer a spaniard to enter my doors again may i have a whole company of soldiers quartered on me for if i must be eaten up i had rather suffer by my own country rogues than foreign ones exit air one rogues there are of each nation except among the divines and vinegar since the creation hath still been made of all wines against one lawyer lurch a county scarce can guard one parson does for a church one doctor for a church one doctor for for a churchyard. Scene two, Don Quixote, Sancho. Sancho! And please, Your Honor. Come hither, Sancho.

I smell an adventure. And so do I am pleased your worship. The landlord of the house swears bitterly that he will have a warrant against us. What landlord? What house? Will thou never be in thy sentences? Are we not in a castle?

No, Mary, we are not. But we are in a fair way to be in one. What dost thou mean, oath? I mean that I shall see your honour in a jail within these two days. Me in a jail? Ah, Cadyf. Aye, sir. We are going into a terrible country. A man's quality here can't defend him if he breaks the laws.

Then indeed, knight-errantry were of no use. But I tell thee, Cady, jails in all countries are only habitations for the poor, not for men of quality. If a poor fellow robs a man of fashion of five shillings to jail with him, but the man of fashion may plunder a thousand poor and stay in his own house. But know, thou base squire of the great Don Quixote de la Mancha, that an adventure now presents itself, not only worthy me, but the united force of all the knights upon earth.

Oh, poor Sancho, there's an end to thee. A leg or an arm will not suffice, this boat. There is now arrived in this castle, one of the most accurseded giants that ever infested the earth. He marches at the head of his army

that howl like Turks in an engagement. Oh, lud, oh lud! This is the country squire at the head of his pack of dogs. What dost thou mutter, Farlet? Why, sir, this giant that your worship talks

of is a country gentleman who is going a court in and his army is neither more nor less than his kennel of fox-hounds the prodigious force of enchantment sirrah i tell thee this is a giant tog-logmog-mog-log lord of the island of gogmog whose belly has been the tomb of above a thousand strong men of about a thousand ox-head of strong I believe. This must be the enchanter Merlin. I know him by his dogs. But thou, idiot, dost thou imagine that women are to be hunted like hares? That a man would carry his hounds with him to visit his mistress?

Sir, your true English squire and his hounds are as inseparable as your Spanish and his Toledo. He eats with his hands, drinks with his hands, and lies with his hounds. Your true errant English squire is but the first dog-boy in his house. Oh, tis pity then that fortune should contradict the order of nature. It was a wise institution of Plato to educate children according to their minds, not to their births. these squires should sow that corn which they're ride over sancho when i see a gentleman in his own coach-box i regret the loss which someone has had of a coachman the man who toils all day after a partridge or a pheasant might serve his country by toiling after a plough and when i see a low mean trickling lord i lament the loss of an excellent attorney singing within but hark some courteous lady in the castle prepares an entertainment for my ears Ere two, Tweedside. O think not the maid whom you scorn,

With riches delighted can be, Had I a great princess been born, My Billy had dear been to me, In grandeur and wealth we find woe, In love there is nothing but charms, On others your treasures bestow, Give Billy alone to these arms. Entitle and wealth what is lost,

In tenderness oft is repaid. Too much a great fortune may cost. Well purchased may be the poor maid. Let gold's empty show cheat the great. We more real pleasures will prove, while they in their palace is hate. We in our poor cottage will love. Scene three, Don Quixote, Guzzle Sancho Most illustrious and most mighty lord, how shall I sufficiently pay you for those sounds with which I have been ravaged. Sir, I desire no other payment, but of this small bill.

Your worship's cattle are saddled, and it is a charming day for traveling. Nothing, my lord, shall ever tempt me to leave you, till what I have this day seen within the castle walls be utterly demolished. Guzzle, aside. So he has seen the sirloin of beef at the fire, I find. But if your worship intends to stay any longer, I hope you design to satisfy this small matter here. I am in great necessity, I assure you. To which mean actions does necessity force men, that ever a mighty lord should be obliged to borrow money.

I am ashamed to ask your worship so often for this trifle, but— My lord, I see you are. I see a generous confusion which spreads your face. "'I am so poor, and please your honour, that it will be quite charity in you. It is the same as if you gave it me.' "'My lord, I am more confused than you. But do not think it a gift, since I see you look so backward to receive it in that light. And since, my lord, everything I have, saving to the charming Dulciana de Toboso, her fixed and unalterably right, be justly yours.

give me leave to call it a debt, my lord. Sancho, pay his lordship a thousand English guineas. If your worship will please to tell me where I shall get them, but there's no pain with an empty hand. Where nothing is, nothing can come on. Twelve lawyers make not one honest man. Cease thy impertinence, and pay the money immediately. If I have seen the colour of gold this fortnight, may I never see Theresa Pangea again.

I am confounded, my lord, at the extravagance of my squire, who, out of the spoils of so many giants he has plundered, should not have reserved enough to oblige your lordship with such a trifle. But if you know anyone who will disburse that sum, or any other, I will sell him the reverse. of the next island I conquer. Do you make a jest of me, sir? Be not incensed. I am sorry I am not able to give it to you. Sorry, forsooth.

A pretty way of paying debts, truly. I fancy if I was to tell the excise man and my brewer, I was sorry I could not pay them, they would send me and sorrow to jail together. In short, sir, I must, and I will have my money. you must get the philosopher's stone before you can make any money of us you shall neither eat nor drink any more in my house till i am paid that i'm resolved i wish your worship would think of changing your quarters if it must be a blanket in why let it be a blanket in i have not eat anything these twelve hours and i don't find i'm like to fare much better for the next twelve and by that time I should be so light, you may as well toss a feather in a blanket.

Sancho, come hither. I intend to make thee my ambassador. Why, truly, sir, that's a post I should like hugiously well. Your bassiders leave rare fat lives, they say, and I should make a very good bassider. I can assure your worship. thou shalt go my ambassador to the court of dulciana del toboso i suppose it is equal to your worship what court you send me to and to say the truth i had rather go to some other for though my lady dulcinea is a very good woman yet she has got such a wanty trick of being chanted and i fancy your basseters fair but ill in your chanted in your chanted seat courts. Reptile.

Reply not on thy life, but go and prepare thyself for thy journey. Then come to me and receive further instructions, for thou shalt set out this very evening. But, ah, the charming voice begins again. Air three, Why will florella, etc. Dorothea sings within.

The pain which tears my throbbing breast, What language can deplore? For how should language have expressed? A pain ne'er felt before. In other virgin wounded hearts Loves cruel sport we see, But the most cruel of his darts He has reserved for me.

Unhappy princess! Thy curse, O tantalus I'd prize, Thy curse a bliss would prove. Ah, heaven were kind, if with my eyes, I could enjoy my love. Enchanted thus, romances tell, their moans for virgins make. But where is found the powerful spell

can this enchantment break? Oh, in this arm tis found! Look forth most adorable, though most unhappy princess. Look forth and behold whom fate has sent to your relief. The most renowned knight of the woeful figure,

the invincible Don Quixote de la Mancha, for whose victorious arm alone, this adventure is reserved. O cursed enchanter, dost thou keep this charming princess invisible to my eyes? Open the castle gates. Open them this instant.

Whoever is on the guard or you shall feel the force of my attack. You shall find, Cadyth, that one single knight is too many for you all. He attacks the walls and breaks the windows. Scene four.

Don Quixote, Guzzle and Mob Hey Day, what in the devil's name are you doing? What do you intend to beat down my house? Thou most uncourteous Lord. Deliver the princess whom thou so unjustly dost detain. Or think not that all the enchanters on earth shall preserve thee from my vengeance.

Don't tell me of princesses and lords. I'm no lord, I'm an honest man, and I can tell you you may be a gentleman, but you don't act like one. to break a poor man's windows in this manner deliver the princess katif pay me my bill sir and go out of my house or i'll fetch a warrant for you i'll see whether a man is to have his victuals eat up and drink drank out and windows broke and his walls shattered and his guests disturbed for nothing "'Ungracious knight, who so often throwest in my teeth, that small entertainment, "'which thou art obliged to give men in my heroic profession.' "'I believe indeed your profession does oblige people sometimes to give, whether they will or no.'

"'Be it is too plain, thou wretch, that thou wouldst have me gone. "'Thou knowest the delivering of this high lady thou dost detain is reserved for me alone. but deliver her this moment with all her attendance, all her plate and jewels which thou hast robbed her of. Hear this, neighbors, I am accused of stealing plates and jewels, when everybody knows I have but five dozen of plates, and those I bought and paid for honestly. And as for jewels, the devil of any jewels are there in this house,

but two bobs that my wife wears in her ears, which were given her by Sir Thomas Loveland at his last election. cease thy equivocations and deliver them this instant or thou shalt find how vainly thou dost trust to all those giants at thy heels the mob laugh do you mock me caitiffs now thy most incomparable docina del toboso assist thy valiant knight he drives them off and exit scene five a chamber dorothea jezebel ha ha ha in spite of all my misfortunes i cannot help laughing at the pleasant adventure of the night of the woeful figure do you think madam this is the very same don what you call him whom your father saw in spain and of whom he has told us such pure pleasant stories the same it can be no other oh jezebel i wish my adventure may end is half as those of my namesake Dorothea's did. I am sure they are very near as romantic. But have I not reason to blame fair love for suffering me to be here before him? The lover that does not outfly

his mistress's desires is slow indeed. And let me tell you, madam, he must be very swift who does. Erre for! Oh, hasten my lover, dear Cupid, wing hither the youth I admire. The wretch is too lazy and stupid, who leaves me but time to desire. Let prudes who leave lovers in anguish, themselves in their fonder fits stay, but leave not the virgin to languish who meets her true lover halfway. Well, I'm a mad girl. Don't you think this husband of mine, that is to be, will have a delightful task to tame me? By what I can see, he's in a pretty fair way to be tamed himself.

Scene six, Sancho, Dorothea, Jezebel. Pray, ladies, which of you is the child? Chanted Princess? Or are you both chanted princesses? What is it to you what we are, Sothbox? Peace, dear Jezebel. This must be the illustrious Sancho himself.

I am the Princess Indocalumbria. My master, the knight of the woeful figure, and a woeful figure he makes, sure enough, send your ladyship his humble service, and hopes that you will not take it amiss that he has not been able to knock all the people in the house on the head. However, he has made it pretty well up in breaking the windows. Your ladyship will lie pure and cool, for the devil a whole pain is there in all your apartment.

If the glazier had hired him, he could not have done better. Thou mighty squire of the most mighty knight upon earth Give my grateful thanks to your master For what he has undertaken upon my account But tell him not to get his precious bones bruised any more For I am sufficiently assured this adventure is reserved For some other night Nay, nay like enough

All men cannot do all things One man gets an estate By what another gets a halter All is not fished that swims. Many a man wants a wife, but more want to get rid of one. Two cuckolds see each other's horns when neither of them can see their own. Money is the fruit of evil, as often as the root of it. Charity seldom goes out of your own house, and ill nature is always a rambling abroad. every woman is a beauty if you will believe her own glass and few if you will believe her neighbours ha ha pray mr sancho might not one hope to see your illustrious master nothing would rejoice his heart so much madam unless it were to see my lady dulcinea herself

ah madam might i hope your ladyship will speak a good word for me Name it, and be assured of anything in my power, Honest Sancho. If your princess ship could but prevail on my master, that I might not be sent home after my lady Dulcinea, for, to tell you the truth, madam, I am so fond of the English roast beef and strong beer, that I don't intend ever to set foot in Spain again if I can help it. Give me a slice of roast beef before all the rarities of Camacho's wedding. Bravely said, noble squire. Air five, the king's old courtier.

When mighty roast beef was the Englishman's food, it ennobled our hearts and enriched our blood. Our soldiers were brave and our courtiers were good. O, the roast beef of Old England, and Old England's roast beef. Then Britain's from all nice dainty's refrain, which effeminate Italy, France, and Spain and mighty roast beef shall command on the main, O the roast beef of Old England, and Old England's roast beef. O the roast beef of Old England, and Old England's roast beef. I have been told, noble squire, that you once imposed a certain lady for Dulcinea on your master.

Now what think you if this young lady here should personate that incomparable princess? Who I? Adored! your princess ship has hit it for he has never seen this dulcinea nor has anybody else that i can hear of and who my lady dulcinea should be i don't know unless she be one of your chanted ladies the curate of our parish and mr nicholas the barber have often told me there was no such woman and that my master was a madman and sometimes I am off at a loss to guess whether he be mad or no. I'm sure, if it was not for the sake of a little island that I am to govern, I should not have followed his errandries so long.

Fye, do not entertain such unworthy thoughts of that most glorious night. Nay, madam, I can't find it in my heart to think him mad neither. for he will talk sometimes to do one good to hear him talk and he will talk ye three hours and i shan't understand one word he says our cure it was a fool to him and yet he has talked what i could not understand neither but that's neither here nor there an empty purse causes a fool heart an old woman's a very bad bribe but a very good wife conscious often stops at a mole hill and leaps over a mountain the law guards us from all evil by itself what's vice to-day is virtue to-morrow tis not only plums that make a pudding physic makes you first sick and then well wine first makes you well and then sick and then sick and your proverbs would make the devil sick lose no time good sancho but acquaint the most invincible knight that the lady dulcinea is in the castle we'll manage the matter so dexterously you shall be in no danger of a discovery since my bringing the last dulcinea to him i do not fear that he that can swallow a goose will hardly cacket agander the bear may well dance

When the ass plays on the fiddle. Exit Sancho Scene 7. Dorothea Chesavel Well, for the future, I will never disbelieve a traveller. The knight and his squire are full as ridiculous as they were described. We shall have rare diversion. Poor, fair love, thou art quite forgotten.

I've rather reason to think Dorothea so. I am sure, when a lover suffers his mistress to come first to the place of appointment. He cannot blame any innocent amusement with which she would shorten his absence. And to confess a truth to you, while I am still under apprehensions of the match my father intends for me, I have two great cause to try to divert my grief. Air six, from Aberdeen to Edinburgh. Happy the animals who stray in freedom through the grove. No laws in love they err obey, but those prescribed by love. While we confined to

parents' rules, unfortunate are told. None follows loves, sweet laws, but fools. The wise are slaves to gold. Excellent. Scene 8. The street. Mr. Mayor and a voter. Well, neighbor, what's your opinion

of this strange man that has come to town? Don Quixote, as he calls himself. Think? Why, that he's a madman. What should I think? God, it runs in my head that he has come to stand for Parliament man. How can that be, neighbour? They tell me he's a spaniard.

What's that to us? At him look to his qualifications when we have chosen him. If he can't fit in the house, that's his fault. Nay, nay, he can't be chose if he should stand for. To my certain knowledge, the corporation have promised Sir Thomas Loveland and Mr. Bonser. all promises are conditional and let me tell you mr retail i begin to smoke a plot i begin to apprehend no opposition and then we are sold neighbor no no neighbor then we shall not be sold and that's worse but rather than it should come to that i would ride all over the kingdom for a candidate and if i thought sir thomas intended to steal us in this manner he should have no vote of minor assure you, I shall vote for no man who holds the corporation cheap. Then suppose we were to go in a body and solicit Sir Don Quixote to stand. As for his being mad, while he's out of bedlam, it does not signify.

But there is another objection, neighbour, which I'm afraid the corporation will never get over. What's that, Prithee? They say he has brought no money with him. ah that indeed but though he hath no money with him here i am assured by his servant that he hath a very large estate and so if the other party come down handsomely with the ready we may trust him for you know at last we have nothing to do but not to choose him and then we may recover all he owes us i do not care to be sold neighbor nor i neither neighbor by any but myself i think that is the privilege of a free britain c nine guzzle mayor retail mr mayor a good morrow to you sir are you for a whet this morning with all my heart but what to become of the gentleman the traveller he's laid down to sleep i believe pretty well tired with work. What the devil to do with him, I can't tell. My neighbor and I have a strange thought come into our heads. You know, Mr. Guzzle,

you're like to have no opposition, and that I believe you will feel the want of as much as any man. Now, do you see, we have taken it into consideration whether we should not ask the Sir Don to represent us. With all my heart, if either of you will hang out a sign and entertain him, but he is far enough at my books already. You are too cautious, Master Guzzle. I make no doubt, but he is some very rich man who pretends to be poor in order to get his election the cheaper. He can have no other design and staying among us. For my part, I make no doubt, but that he has come to stand on the court interest. Nay, nay, if he stands at all, it is on the court side, no doubt, for he talks of nothing but kings and princes and princesses and emperors and empresses. Aye, aye, an officer in the army too. I warrant him, if we knew but the bottom. He seems indeed to be damnably fond of a free quarter.

But if you think he intends to offer himself, would it not be wiser to let him? For then, you know, if he spends never so much, we shall not be obliged to choose him. Brother alderman, I have reproved you already for that way of reasoning. It favours too much of bribery. I like an opposition, because otherwise a man may be obliged to vote against his party. Therefore, when we invite a gentleman to stand, we invite him to spend his money for the honour of his party. party. And when both parties have spent as much as they are able, every honest man will vote, according to his conscience. Mr. Mayor talks like a man of sense and honor, and it does me good

to hear him. Aye, aye, Mr. Guzzle, I never gave a vote contrary to my conscience. I have very earnestly recommended the country interest to all my brethren. But before that, I recommend the town interest. That is, the interest of this corporation. And first of all, I recommended to every particular man to take a particular care of himself. And it is with a certain way of reasoning that he serves me best, will serve the town best, and he that serves the town best, will serve the country best. See what it is to have been at Oxford. The parson and the parish himself can't out-talk him.

Come, landlord, we'll have one bottle and drink success to the corporation. These times come, but seldom. Therefore we ought to make the best of them. Come along. Excellent. End of Act 1. Act 2 of Don Quixote in England. by henry fielding this is a libravox recording all librivox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libavox dot org

act two scene one scene a chamber in the inn don quixote sancho thou hast by this time fully perceive sancho the extreme difficulties and dangers of night errantry. Oh, and have squire errantry too, and please your worship. But virtue is its own reward. Your worship may

have a relish for these rewards, perhaps, but to speak truly, I am a poor plain man, and know nothing of these fine things, and for any reward

i have hitherto got i had much rather have gone without it as for an island i believe i could relish it as well as another but a man may catch cold while his coat is making and since you may provide for me in a much easier way if i might be so bold as to speak thou knowest i will deny thee nothing which is fit for me to give or thee to take then if your worship would be so good as to set me up in an inn i should make a rare landlord and it is a very thriving trade among the english and couldst thou descend so low in noble wretch anything to get an honest livelihood which is more than i find we are like to do in the way we are going on for if i dare speak it speak fearlessly i will only impute it to thy ignorance why then i find sir that we are looked on here to be neither more nor less better or worse than a couple of madmen sancho i am not concerned at the evil opinion of men indeed if we consider who are their favourites we shall have no reason to be so fond of their applause virtue sancho is too bright for their eyes and they dare not behold her hypocrisy is the deity they worship is not the lawyer often called an honest man

when for a sneaking fee pleads the villain's cause or attempts to exhort evidence to the conviction of the innocent does not the physician live well in his neighborhood while he suffers them to bribe his ignorance to their destruction but why should i mention those whose professions tis to prey on others look through the world what is it recommends men but the poverty the vice and the misery of others this sancho they are sensible love and therefore instead of endeavouring to make himself better each man endeavours to make his neighbour worse each man rises to admiration by treading on mankind Ritches and power Acure to the One By the destruction of thousands These are the general objects Of the good opinion of men

Nay, And that which is professed to be paid The virtue Is seldom more to anything Than a supercilious contempt Of your neighbour What is a good-natured man? Why, one

Who, seeing the want of his friend, cries he pities him. is this real no if it was he would relieve him his pity is triumphant arrogance and insult it arises from his pride not his compassion sancho let them call me mad i'm not mad enough to court their approbation oh could your worship proceed i could fast an hour longer to hear your discourse. Scene 2. Guzzle, Don Quixote, Sancho. And if please, your honor, the mayor of the town has come to wait on you.

Give him admittance. This is the chief magistrate of the place, who comes, I suppose, to congratulate me on my arrival. He might have come sooner, but the neglect of his duty is better than the total omission. In the meanwhile, Sancho, Post thou away this instant to Toboso, and heaven prosper thy embassy. Sancio aside, Prosperity may travel with me, without tiring itself.

Scene 3, Mayor Don Quixote. I am your honour's most humble servant. Sir, I am glad to see you, and I think you are the chief officer of the town, Yes, and please your honor, I am Mr. Mayor of this town. I should have done myself the pleasure to have waited on you sooner, but I was quite ignorant of the design with which you came hither. Be seated, sir. You are a worthy man, and to your praise be it spoken, the first that has done his duty since my arrival.

I can't answer for the whole town, but the corporation is as well affected a corporation as any in all England, and I believe highly sensible of the honour you intend them. No man knows his strength till he tries it, and, notwithstanding what you may have heard of the knight of the long purse, if you oppose him briskly, I dare answer for your success. Is there a knight on earth I dare not oppose? Though he had as many hands as Buryas, as many eyes as Argus, I should not fear him. This is a special stick of wood. I find... Aside.

A benefit ticket, Adad. I see the reason of your apprehension. You have heard of my ill success in my last adventure. Oh, that was not my fault. Mayor, aside. I see has been thrown out at some other place already. I don't in the least, sir, apprehend it was your fault. But there is nothing to be done without bleeding freely on these occasions.

Ah, do you think I fear to bleed? Be not so passionate, sir. This, I assure you, you will do your business with less than any other. I suppose, sir, it may lie in your own. power to do some services to this town. Be assured it does. I will, for your sake, preserve it forever from any insult. No armies shall ever do you any harm. I assure you, sir, that will recommend you very much if you can keep soldiers from

quartering upon us. You shall make very little difficulty in the affair. But I hope your honor will consider that the town is very poor, sir. A little circulation of money among us would. Sir, you make me concerned that it is not now in my power to give whatever you desire. But rest secure of this. There is not one whom you shall recommend that shall not, within this twelvemonth, be governor of an island. Mayor, aside, This is a courtier, I find, by his promise.

But who is this knight who I am to encounter? Is he now in the castle? Yes, sir. He is now at Loveland Castle, a seat of his about ten miles off. He was here the very day before your honour came to town, randying for a knight of his acquaintance, with no less than six hundred freeholders at his heels. hmm those are a sort of soldiers i never heard of in spain how were they armed armed sir i with carbines with muskets spears pistols swords or how i ask that i may choose proper weapons to encounter them ha ha your honor is pleased to be merry why truly sir they were pretty well armed when they went out of town Every man had four or five bottles in his head, at least. Face-born cowards, who owe their courage to the spirit of their wine?

But, be easy, sir. Within these two days, not one of them shall be alive. Mary, heaven forbid. Some of them are as honest gentlemen as any in the county. Ah, honest, and in the train of the night. of the long purse. Do I not know him to be a deflowerer of virgins, a destroyer of orphans, a despoiler of widows, a debaucher of wives? Who, Sir Thomas Lovelan, sir? Why, you don't know him? He's as good-natured, civil a gentleman, as a man may say. Why then do you petition me against him? Nay, sir, for that matter. Let him be as civil as he pleases.

One man's money is as good as another's. You seem to be a civil gentleman, too. And if you stand against him, I don't know which would carry it. But this I believe, you guess already, that he who spends most would not have the least chance. Ah, creative. Does thou think I would condescend

to be the patron of a place so mercenary If my services cannot procure me the election, Does thou think my money should make me their night? What should I get by undertaking the protection of this city and castle, But dangers, difficulties, toils, and enchantments? Hence, from my sight, or by the peerless Doshiana's eyes, Thy blood shall pay the affront thou hast given my honour. Oh, was it for this that I was chosen?

and in full senate the patron of La Mancha? Gods! To what will mankind degenerate? Where not only the vile necessaries of life, but even honours, which should be the reward of virtue only, are to be bought with money. Scene four, another chamber,

Squire Badger, Scut, his huntsman, and Guzzle. That's it, honies! Oh, that's it! What? Have you no... company in the house, landlord? Could not you find out an honest lad, one that could take a hearty pot? Faith, noble squire, I wish you had spoke a little sooner. Mr. Permit, the officer, is just gone

out of the house. Your worship would have liked him hugely. He is rare good company. Well, but hang it. Has down nobody? I have not one guest in the house, sir, but a young lady and her maid, and a madman. and a squire, as he calls himself. Squire? Who, Prythe? Squire. It is a cursed hard name.

I never can remember it. Squire Pancho Sancho, he calls himself. Pithee, what is he? A wiggler, a Tory. Hey! Sir, I don't know what he is. His master and he have been here in my house this month, and I can't tell what to make of them.

I wish the devil at him before I'd seen him. the squire and his master both. What? Has the squire a master? I don't know which is master, nor which is man, not I. Sometimes I think one is master, and then again I think it is the other. I am sure I had rather be the squire, for he sleeps most, and eats most. He is as bad as a greyhound in a house.

There is no laying down anything eatable, but if you turn your back, slap, he has it up. As for the night, as he calls himself, he. he has more to pay for breaking windows than eating. Would I were well rid of him? He will sit you sometimes in the yard to guard the castle, as he calls it, but I am afraid his design is to rob the house if he could catch an opportunity. I don't understand one word in ten of what he says. He talks of giants and castles and queens and princesses

and chanters and magicians and dulcinea's. He has been a mighty traveler, it seems. comical dog I fancy. Go, give my service to him. Tell him I should be glad of his company. Go. I'm afraid he is not in any of the best humors, for he was most confoundedly drubbed just now. Well, prithee, go and call him. Here is some of the best physic for him. Come, Scott, sit down and sing that song once more. the doctor is feed for a dangerous draught which cures half a dozen and kills half a score of all the best drugs the dispensary is taught twere well could each cure one disease and no more but here's the juice of sovereign use twill cure your distempers whatever they be embody your spirit wherever you bear it take of this a large dose and it soon sets you free by cunning directors if strict of your pelf your loss is a dose of good claret can heal or if you have been a director yourself twill teach you no loss of your honour to feel stocks fall arise tell tooth or lies your fame and your fortune here remedy find if sylvia be cruel take this water gruel twill soon cure the fever that burns up your mind

scene five don quixote guzzle scut and a badger most illustrious and mighty knight i'm proud to kiss your hands your servant sir your servant aside A devilish odd figure, this? To meet a person of your distinction is a happiness I little expected. Or I am much mistaken, but you are either the knight of the sun, or of the black helmet. Or of the black cap, sir, if you please. Hmm. Sir knight of the black cap, I rejoice in meeting you in this castle. And I wish the achievements of this glorious adventure in which I have been, by the cursed power of the enchantment, foiled,

may be reserved for you. Badger aside. This is honest cousin Tom, Faith, as mad as a march hare. Would thou guess, Sir Knight of the Black Cap, that this uncourteous person, the lord of this castle, should detain within his walls

the most beautiful princess in the universe? The devil he does? enchanted and if i mistake not by that enchanter merlin i humbly suppose the delivery of this princess was the design in which you came to this castle ay ay sir i'll deliver her i warrant you but come sir pray sir may i crave the honour of your name i am known sir in chivalry by the name of the knight of the woolful figure. Sir knight of the woeful figure, will you please to sit down? Come, sir, here's to you. Landlord, draw your chair. How long, Sir Knight of the woeful figure, have you been in these parts? It is not, Sir Knight of the Black Cap, the business of a knight-errant to number time, like the inferior part of mankind, by the days which he lives.

but by the actions he performs. Perhaps you may have sojourned longer here than I. Are there many knights in this kingdom? Oh, numberless! There are your knights and baron knights and knights of the post, and then there are your blue knights and your red knights and your green knights? Well, may this kingdom be said to be happy, when so many knights conspire for its safety.

Come, let us be merry. We'll have a hunting song, Sir Knight. I should be glad to see you at my country's seat. Come, Scott, sing away. Air Eight, there was a jovial beggar, etc. The dusky night rides down the sky and ushers in the morn. The hounds all join in glorious cry. The hunchman winds his horn, and a hunting we will go. The wife around her husband throws her arms and begs his stay My dear it rains and hails and snows You will not hunt today But a hunting we will go

A brushing fox in yonder woods Secure to find we seek For why I carried sounded good a cartload there last week And a hunting we will go Away he goes he flies the route Their steeds all spur and switch Some are thrown in and some thrown out and some thrown in the ditch,

but a hunting we will go. At length his strength the faintness worn for Renaud cease his flight, then hungry homeward we return to feast away the night, then a drinking we will go. Ha, ha, ha, ha,

so knight of the woeful figure, this is the life, sir, of most of our knights in England. Hunting is a manly exercise and therefore a proper recreation. But it is the business of a knight-errant to rid the world of other sorts of animals than foxes. Here is my dear Dorothea to you,

the most beautiful woman in the world. Ah, Kedith. Does thou dare say that in my presence, forgetting that the peerless Dulciana yet lives? Confess thy fault this instant, and own her inferior to Dulciana, or I will make thee a dreadful example To all future knights

Who shall dare dispute the incomparableness Of that divine lady Throw by your spit, sir, Throw by your spit And I don't fear you Spud I'll beat your lanthorn jaws Into your throat, you rascal

Squire Badger offers to strike Don Quixote Oh that this fellow were at the devil Dear Squire, let him alone. Ah, I have discovered the imposter. Thanks, most incomparable lady, that has not suffered by night to pollute his hands with the base blood of that imposter squire. Scene 6. Don Quixote, Sancho, Squire Badger.

Oh, sir, I have been seeking, Your Honor. I have such news to tell you. Sancho uncase this instant, and handle that squire as he deserves. My lady D'Alcinea, sir. Has been abused, has been injured, by the slanderous tongue of that squire. But, sir... If thou expected to live a moment, answer me not a word till that cative hath felt thy fist. Nay, sir, with all my heart, as far as a cuff or two,

I hate your squire errants that carry arms about them. I'll box you first one hand, second with both. Sirrah, I am able to beat a dozen of you if I don't lamb thee. They both strip. Maybe not, brother squire, maybe not. Threatened folks live long. High words break no bones. many walk into a battle and are carried out on't one ounce of heart is better than many stone of flesh dead men pay no surgeons

safer to dance after a fiddle than a drum though not so honourable a wise man would be a soldier in time of peace and a parson in time of war. Scene 7. Mrs. Guzzle, Squire Badger, Sancho. What in the devil's name is the matter with you? Get you and your master out of my house for a couple of pickpockets as you are. Sir, I hope your worship will not be angry with us. Stand away, landlord.

Stand away if I don't lick him. Come along. into the yard and let me have fair play and i don't fear you i don't fear you get you out you risker get you out or i'll be the death of you i'll teach you to fight with your betters you villain you i'll carry you sir Scene 8. Fair Love, Squire Badger I am sorry to see a gentleman insulted, sir. What was the occasion of this fray? I hope you are no knight-errant, sir. Sir? I say, sir, I hope you are no knight-errant, sir.

You are merry, sir. Aye, sir, and you would have been merry too. Had you seen such a sight as I have? Here is a fellow in this inn that out does all the shows I ever saw. He was going to knock my brains out for drinking my mistress's health. Perhaps he is your rival, sir. Odd? That's like enough. now I think aunt.

Who knows but this may be the son of a whore? Fair love, whom I have been told on? Huh. As sure as a gun. This is he. Odds bodikins. Mrs. Dorothe here. You have a very strange sort of taste.

I could tell you that. Do you travel towards London, sir? because I shall be glad of your company. No, sir. I have not above 15 short miles to go, and quite across the country. Perhaps you are going to Sir Thomas Loveland. Do you know, Sir Thomas, then, sir?

Very intimately well, sir. Give me your hands, sir. You are an honest cock, I'll warrant you. Why, sir? I'm going to fall in love with Sir Thomas's daughter. You can't avoid that, sir, if you see her, for she is the most agreeable woman in the world. And then she sings like a nightingale.

Now that is a very fine quality in a wife. Or you know, the more she sings, the less she'll talk. Some folks like women for their wit. Odds bodikins. It is a sign they have none of their own. There is nothing. A man of good sense dread so much in a wife As her having more sense than himself.

Air Nine, Lily Bullero. Like gold to a miser, The wits of a lass, more trouble than joy. to a husband may bring. That faults in the miser and not in the mass. He knows not to use so precious a thing. Witt teaches how to arm your brow, a price for that treasure some husbands have paid.

But wit will conceal it, and if you don't feel it, a horns but a pimple, scarce seen on your head. Scene nine, Fair Love, Squire, Squire, Badger, John. Sir, sir.

Well, what now? John whispers. How? Here? I saw her, sir, upon my honour. Fair love, aside. I am the happiest of mankind. Brother traveller, farewell. What, shan't we drink together?

Another time, sir. I am in a little haste at present. aside hark ye john i leave you with my rival i need say no more dear dorothea ten thousand raptures are in the dear name exit scene ten john squire badger don quixote hark ye mister what is your master's name pray master sir I say, your master's name. What do you see in me that should make you ask me my master's name? I suppose you would take it very ill of me if I were to ask you what your master's name is. Do I look so little like a gentleman as to stand in need of a master?

Oh, sir, I ask your pardon. Your dress, sir, was the occasion of my mistake. Probable enough. Among you country gentlemen, and really in town, gentlemen and footmen dress so like one another that is somewhat difficult to know which is which. Maybe, sir, then, you are only an acquaintance of this gentleman's. A travelling acquaintance. May I crave his name, sir?

Oh, sir, his name, his name, sir, is Sir Gregory Nebuchadnezzar. He is a very rich Jew, an Italian by birth, born in the city of Cork. He is going into Cornwall to take possession of a small estate of twenty thousand pounds a year, left him the other day by a certain Dutch merchant's mistress, with whom he had an intrigue. He is a gentleman, sir, universally esteemed in the Beaumond. Beaumond, pray, what's that? Beaumond, sir, is as much to say, a man of figure. When you say he is a man of the Beaumond, you mean just such another person as I am.

You will pardon the ignorance of a country gentleman. Oh, sir, we of the Beaumond are never offended at ignorance. Quixote, within... Avant, natives. Think not thou most accursed giant, ever to enter within this castle, to bring any more captive princesses hither. Hey, day, what's the matter now? Coachman, within...

Open the gates, will you? Are you mad? You, my lord of the castle, suffer them to be opened at your peril. One might think, by this noise, that we were at the outside of the opera house, at a ridotto. Scene 11. Mrs. Guzzle, John, Squire Badger. Oh, for heaven's sake, gentlemen, come and assist us. This mad, donkey horto will ruin my house. He won't suffer the stagecoach to come into the yard. Dear good gentlemen, come and speak to him.

Oh, that I ever should live to see him. I am too much of a gentleman, not to assist a lady in distress. Come, sir. After you, sir, I'm not quite unbred. Oh, dear, sir. Scene 12, a yard. Don Quixote armed Keppapapie, his lance in his hand. Sancho, Guzzle, Squire Badger, John, Mrs. Guzzle.

Coachman, within. If you don't open the gates this instant, I'll go to another inn. Brief, within. Sir, I'll have your house indicted. I'll have your sign taken down. Gentlemen, here is a madman in the yard. Will you let me open the gates or no, sir? Open them, and I will show thee.

that I want no walls to secure me. Open them, I say. You shall feel the force of one single night. Dear gentlemen, will nobody knock his brains out? John, aside, This is the most comical dog I ever saw in my life. If I have anything to say to him while he has that thing in his hand, may I have it in my guts that moment.

There, the gates are open. Now, thou peerless, princess, Boltsiana. Exit. G.G. Boys. Exxuent, Sancho, etc. Scene 13. Mrs. Guzzle, Mr. Brief, Dr. Drench, Mr. Sneak, Mrs. Sneak, Miss Sneak, made with candles.

Don't be frightened, my dear. There is no danger now. That's owing to me, my dear, if we had not got out of the coach, as I advised, we had been in a fine condition. Who is this fellow woman that has caused all this rout? Oh, dear Mr. Councillor, I am almost frightened out of my wits. He is the devil, I think. I can't get him out of my house. What? Have you no justice of the peace near you? You should apply to a justice of the peace. The law provides a very good remedy for these sort of people.

I'll take your affair into my hands. Dr. Drench, do you know no neighboring justice? What? Do you talk of it justice? The man is mad, and physics is proper for him than law. I'll take him in hand myself. After supper. I wish, Mr. Sneak, you would go into the kitchen and see what we can have for supper. Exit. Yes, my dear. I do. The fresh air of the downs, I protest,

has got me an appetite. Ladies, how do you do after your fright? Doctor, I fancy a drum of that cordial you carry in your pocket would do the ladies no harm. Oh, you are a merry man, Mr. Counselor. Come, child. This way, ladies. Extuant women. Scene 14. Mr. Brief. Dr. Drench. Don Quixote. Sancho. Squire Badger.

John. Hazzar! Hark! Hark! Agad! He has routed the coach and horses bravely. My landlord and the coachman won't overtake them one while. I warrant? Most illustrious and high, lords.

It is with great pleasure that I congratulate you on your delivery, which you owe only to the peerless Dulciana. I desire, therefore, no other return, but that you both repair immediately to Toboso, and render yourselves at her feet. Poor man, poor man, he must be put to bed. I shall apply some proper remedies. His frenzy is very high, but I hope we will be able to take it off. His frenzy!

His roguery? The fellow's a rogue. He is no more mad than I am. And the coachman and landlord both have very good actions at law against him. Sancho, do you attend those princes to the richest and most beautiful apartments? Most illustrious princess, the governor of this castle is an enchanter. But be not alarmed at it, for all the powers of hell shall not hurt you. I will myself keep on the guard all this night for your safety, and tomorrow I expect you set forward for Toboso. Galen calls this frenzy the frenabricum. My lord Coke brings these people into the number of common cheats. I shall order him bleeding, glistering, vomiting, purging, blistering, and cupping.

He may, besides an action of assault and battery, be indicted in the crown. He may also have an action of damages and trespasses laid on him. In short, if he be worth £5,000, I don't question but to action him out on't. Come, Doctor, if you please. We will attend to the ladies. Extuant. Why, Mr. Quixote, do you know who these people were, you called princes? One of them I take to be the prince of Somatia, and the other, of the five mountains.

One of them is a lawyer, and tother a physician. Monstrous enchantment. What odd shapes this Merlin transforms the greatest people into. But Knight-Erentry will be too hard for him at last. Exit. A comical dog!

If you will accept of one bottle of stout, brother travel. It is at your service. With all my heart, sir, I'm afraid this fellow has no good champagne in his house. Excellent. Hey, is the coast cleared? Where in the devil's name as this mad master of mine disposed himself? For Maddie is now a son.

certain. This last adventure has put it past all manner of disputes. Oh, poor Sancho, what will become of thee? Would it not be the wisest way to look out for some new master while thou hast any old bones in thy skin? And yet, I can't find in my

heart to forsake the old one. At least till I have got this small island, and then perhaps, when I have it, I shall lose it again, as I did my former government. Well, if ever I do lay my fingers on an island more, I'll act like other wise governors. fought a plundering as fast as I can,

and when I've made my fortune, why, let them turn me out if they will? Air Ten, Black Joke The more we see of humankind, the more deceit and tricks we find, in every land as well as Spain, For would he ever hope to thrive Upon the mountains he must live

For naught but rogues in veils remain The miser and the man will trick The mistress and the maid will nick For rich and poor are rogue and whore There's not one honest man in a score nor woman true in twenty-four. End of Act 2. Act 3 of Don Quixote in England by Henry Fielding.

This is a Libravox recording. All Libravox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Libravox.org. Act 3, Scene 1. seen a room fair love dorothea mrs guzzle depend on it you shall be made amends for your damage you have sustained from this heroic knight in his squire you look like a very honourable gentleman sir and i would take your word for a great deal more than he owes me but pray mrs guzzle how came you by this fine dress in which the lady dulcina is to be exhibited about a month ago madam there was a company of stage players here, and they stayed for above a fortnight acting their shows. But I don't know how it happened.

The gentry did not give them much encouragement, so at last they all run away, except the queen, whom I made bold to strip of her finery, which is all that I have to show for the whole reckoning. Poor queen. Poor travelling princess. The devil travelled with her to the world's end, so she travelled not hither. Send me anything but stage-players and night errands. I'm sure fifty pounds won't make me whole again. Would you ladyship think it, madam?

Beside other articles, she ran in thick twenty shillings for thunder and lightning. Scene two. Jezebel, Sancho, Fairlove, Dorothea, Mrs. Guzzle. Behold the peerless princess. Ha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, I shall die. zeux she'll put the real dulcinea out of countenance for no such gorgeous fine lady have i seen in all toboso is the knight apprised mr sancho of the approach of his minstles yes sir it had like to have cost me dear i'm sure for when i told him of it he gave me such a hug that i'm

thought i should never have fetch breath any more in this world i believe he took me for the lady dulcinea herself but why booted and spurred mr sentiel are you going on a journey yes madam your ladyship knows i was ordered to go for my lady dulcinea so what does me i but right into the kitchen where i whipped and spurt about a sirloin of roast beef for a full half hour. Then, Slap, I returned to my master, whom I found leading upon his spear, with his eyes lifted up to the stars, calling out upon my Toboso lady, as if the devil were in his guts. as soon as he sees me sancho says he with a voice like a great gun wilt thou never have sufficiently stuffed thy wallet wilt thou never set out for toboso heavens bless your honour's worship and keep you in your senses says i i am just returned from thence i am sure if you felt half the weariness in your bones that i do you'd think you set out with a vengeance truly then sancho you must have travelled by chantment i don't know whether i travelled by chantment but this i know that about five miles off i met my lady dulcinea how says he and gives such a spring i think that i think such a spring i think

thought he would have leapt over the wall. I, says I, sure I know her ladyship. He that has stood in the pillory ought to know what would it is made of. And a woman who walks the streets ought to know whether they are paved or no. I hope he won't offer to be rude. Your ladyship need not fear that. I dare swear he loves. your ladyship so much he would not take a hundred pounds to come within a yard of you he's one of your high-bred sort of gentry and knows his distance should he offer to touch me i should faint

if your ladyship pleases i'll convey you to a proper place where you may see my master and then i'll go and prepare him a little more for your arrival i'll go see this show i'm resolved and faith i begin to doubt which of my guest's the maddest scene three fair love dorothea shall we follow to the window and see the sport how come i dorothea think of trifling it this time had i found you at my first arrival i should scarce have invented this design but i cannot see any retirement twill be to our purpose why should we not fly away this instant who knows but you may be pursued i shall have no easy moment till you are mine beyond any possibility of losing you The morning will be time enough, for I have taken such measures I shall not be missed till then. Besides, I think there was something so lucky in your coming hither without having received my letter, that I cannot suspect the happy success of our affair. Ah, fair love! Would I were as sure it would be always in your will,

as it will be in your power to make me happy? But when I reflect on your former life, when I think what a rover you have been, have I not a just occasion then for fear? unkind Dorothea ere 11 Have you heard of a frolic Somat ditty, etc? Would fortune the truth

To discover A hymn you suspect as a rover Midmeese to some princess a lover No princess would Billy pursue Would heaven but grant me the trial A monarch should meet my denial And while other lovers I'd fly all

I'd fly my dear Billy to you Whole ages my dolly and enjoying is a feast that could never be cloying. With thee while I'm kissing and toying, kind fortune can give me no more. With thee I'm so blessed beyond measure, I laugh at all offers of treasure. I laugh at all offers of pleasure. Thou art all my joy and my store. With thee I am so blessed beyond measure, I laugh at all offers of treasure. I laugh at all offers of treasure. I laugh at all offers of pleasure. Thou art all my joy and my store. Scene 4. Servants with Lights Before Sir Thomas and Guzzle.

Landlord, how fair is it? You seem to drive a humming trade here? Pretty well, considering the hardness of the times, and please, Your Honor. Better times are a-coming. A new election is not far off. Aye, sir, if we had but an election once a year, a man might make a shift to pick up a livelihood. once a year why thou unconscionable rogue the kingdom would not be able to supply us with malt but prithee whom hast thou in thy house any honest fellows ha here's lawyer brief sir and dr drench and there's mr sneak in his wife then there's one squire badger of somersetshire ho ho ho give my service to him instantly tell him I should be very glad to see him yes and please your honor exit this fellow is not quite of a right kidney the dog is not found at the bottom however I must keep well with him till after the next election now for my son-in-law that is to be whom I long mightily to see I'm sure his estate makes him a very advantage match for my daughter. If she can but like his person, and if he be described right to me,

I don't see how she can fail of doing that. Scene five. Sir Thomas, Squire Badger, Guzzle, John. Here's the Squire, and it please your honor. Mr. Badger, I'm your most humble servant. You're welcome into this country. I've done myself the honour, sir, to meet you thus far in order to conduct you to my daughter. I suppose, sir, you may be Sir Thomas Loveland. At your service, sir. Then I wish, when you had been about it, you had brought your daughter along with you.

You are merry, sir. Yes, sir, and you would have been merry if you'd been in. in such company as I have been in. My lord, spud, where's my lord a spud? Sir Thomas, my lord slang, is one of the merriest men you ever knew in your life. He has been telling me a parcel of such stories. I protest, sir, you were so extremely well-bred you put me out of countenance. Sir Thomas, I am your most obedient, humble servant.

I suppose this lord can't afford to keep a footman, and so he wears his own livery. I wish, my lord, you would tell Sir Thomas the story about you, and the Duchess of, what do you call her? Odds heart. It is one of the pleasantest stories about how she met him in the dark at a masquerade, and about how she gave him her letter, and then about how he carried her to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a, to a banio. I, to a banio. But, if I was not partly engaged in honour to court your daughter, I'd go to London along with my lord, where women are,

it seems as plente as rabbits in a warren had i known as much of the world before as i do now i believe i should scarce have thought of marrying who'd marry when my lord says here a man may have your great sort of ladies only for wearing a brooded coat telling half a dozen lies and making a bow I believe, sir, my daughter won't force ye against your inclination. Force me? No, I believe not, I cod. I should be glad to see a woman that should force me. If you come to that, sir, I'm not afraid of you nor your daughter, neither. Sir Thomas aside, This fellow's a great fool, but his estate must. not be lost.

You misunderstand me, sir. I believe you will have no inscibility to complain of from either me or my daughter. Nay, sir, for that matter, when people are civil to me, I know how to be civil to them again. Come, father-in-law of mine, that is to be, what say you to a cherishing cup, and you should shall hear some of my lord's stories. As far as one bottle, squire, but you must not exceed. Nay, nay, thou may e'en sneak off when you please. My lord and I here are very good company by ourselves.

Pray, my lord, go first. I'd have you think I have got some manners. Excellent. a very hopeful spark this but he has a great estate and i have no notion of refusing an estate let the men be what he will scene six the yard don quixote sancho how far does thou think the advanced gods are yet from the castle sir but perhaps she may choose to travel incognita and may for the greater expedition have left those cursed useless heavy troops her horse-guards to follow a month or two hens how many coaches didst thou number truly sir they were so many i could not number them i dare swear there were a good round baker's dozen at least sancho thou will never leave debasing the greatest things in thy vile phrases wilt thou eternally put my patience to the test take heed unworthy squire when thou are talking of this incomparable and peerless princess thou dost it not in any of thy low rebaltery for if thou dost by all the powers of this invincible arm

Oh, spare me, spare me! And if ever I offend your worship any more, If ever I crack a jest on my lady Dulcinea, Proceed, what knights attend her presence? They make such a glittering, sir, Tis impossible to know one from the other. They look for all the world at a distance like a flock of sheep. ha again nay sir if your worship won't let a man talk in his own language he must in old his tongue

every man is not bred at a varsity who looks for a courtier's tongue between the teeth of a clown an ill phrase may come from a good heart many men many minds many minds many mouths many mouths many mouths many mouths many tongues many tongues many tongues many words cease thy torrent of impertinence and tell me is not the knight of the black eagle there i marry ye is sir and thee of the black ram too on they trot sir cheap by joel sir for all the world like two butterwomen to market then comes my lady-doll Senea, all rampant in her coach, with half a score dozen maids of honour. To it have done your art good to see her, she looks and just like... Ah, like a milk-white dove amongst a flight of crows. To all the world, like a new half-crowned piece amongst a heap of old brass farthings. Scene seven, Dwar with her with...

a light, brief Don Quixote, Sancho. This way, sir, take care how you tread. Ah, she approaches. The tortures are already arrived at the gate. The great Fulgarum is alighted. Oh, thou most welcome of all knights. Let me embrace thee. Let me alone, pretty fellow. Or shall I have you laid by the heels? What, do you mean to rob me, eh? Is it possible? The mightyful Gorin should not know me? Know ye? It is not to your advantage I believe to be known.

Let me tell you, Sirah, you may be tried on the black act, for going about disguised in this manner, and but that I shall go a better way to work with you, as good an indictment would lie on that act. Behold, sir, my Lady Dulciana herself. Light on, boy. The next one. The next one. justice ought to be indicted for not putting the laws in execution against such fellows. Scene 8. Don Quixote, Sancho, Jezebel. O, most illustrious, and most mighty princess, with what look shall I behold you? With what word shall I thank you for this infinite

goodness to your unworthy knights? Rise, sir. Do not overwhelm me with too much goodness, though to see you, be inexpressible happiness. Yet to see you here gives me some uneasiness. For, almost adorable princess, this castle is enchanted. Giants and captive ladies inhabit only here. Could I but be assured of your constancy, I should have no fear, but alas, there are so many instances of perjured men. Air 12, cold and raw, etc. A virgin once was walking walking along in the sweet month of July, blooming beautiful and young. She met with the swain

unruly, within his arms the nymph he caught, and swore he'd love her truly. The maid remembered, the man forgot, what passed in the month of July. "'Eeturnal curses lied on all such perjured wretches.' "'But though you may be constant at first, when we have been married a great while, and have had several children. You may leave me, and then I should break my heart. Rather may the universal frame of nature be dissolved. Perish first, all honesty, honor, virtue, nay, knight-errantry itself, that quintessence of all.

Could I always remain young as I am now, but alack a day, I shall grow old, and then you will forsake me for some younger maiden. I know it is the way of all you men. You all love young flesh. You all sing. Air 13, Jimini's Minuet. Sweets the little maid that has not learned her trade.

Fears yet languishes to be taught. Though she's shy and coy, still she'll give you joy when she's once to compliance brought. Women full of skill. Sooner grant your will. but often purchased are good for naught, sweets the little maid. Oh, most divine princess,

whose voice is infinitely sweeter than the nightingale. Oh, charm my ears no more with such transporting melody, lest I find my joy to exquisite for sense to bear. C.9. Don Quixote, Sancho, Fair love, Dorothea, Jezebel. Pity, illustrious knight, oh, pity an unhappy princess, who has no hopes of safety

but from your victorious arm. This instant I am pursued by a mighty giant. Oh, most adorable, Dulciana, unless some affair of your own forbid, permit your knight to undertake this adventure. You can't oblige me more. Nor me less. Oh, the devil take all giant adventures.

Now I shall have my bones broke. I'd give an arm or two to secure the rest with all my heart. Arlene sneak off if I can and preserve the hole. Sancho, come here. Stand thou in the front and receive the first onset of the enemy. That so I may wait a proper opportunity, while the giant is aiming at thy head to strike off his. Ah, sir, I have been a squire erranting to some purpose truly

if I don't know better than to stand before my master. Besides, sir, every man in his way. I am the worst man in the world at the beginning of a battle, but a very devil at the end of it. Scene 10 John Fairlove Don Quixote

Dorothea Jezebel Oh sir Undone Rooned Sir Thomas himself Is in the inn You are discovered

And here he comes With 150 people To fetch away Madame Dorothy We know it We note And were he to bring As many thousand

I'd show him One single night May be too many For them all Ten thousand thanks, great knight. By heavens I'll die by your side before I'll lose her. Now, thou most adorable Princess Dulciana del Tobaso, now shine with all thy influence upon me. Sir Thomas, within. Where is your daughter, villains? Where is my daughter?

Oh, thou cursed giant Terkilagumbe, too well I know thy voice. Have at thee, K. Dear Jezebel, I'm frightened out of my wits. My father, Mr. Or Fairlove will be destroyed. I am resolved. I'll rush into the middle of them and with my own danger put an end to the fray. Do so, and in the meantime I'll into the closet and put an end to a small bottle I have there. I protest I'm horribly frightened myself.

Scene 11, Sancho Solis. There they are, I see. pal, mal, who will be knocked on the head, I know not. I think I'm pretty sure it won't be Sancho. I have made a shift to escape this bout, but I shall never get out of this curse fighting country again, as safe as I came into it. I shall leave some pounds of poor Sancho behind me.

if this be the effect of English beef and pudding, would I were in Spain again? I begin to think this house or castle is chanted. Nay, I fancy the devil lives in it, for we have had nothing but battles since we have been here. My bones are not the bones they were a fortnight ago. nor are they in the same places. As to my skin, the rainbow is a fool to it for colours. It is like... What is it like?

E. Cod is like nothing but my masters. Well, master of mine, if you do get the day, you deserve it. I'll say that for you. you. And if you are well-dribbed, why, you deserve that too. What had we to do with the princess and be hanged to her? Besides, I verily believe she's no more a princess than I am. No good ever comes from minding other men's matters. I seldom see any meat got by winding up a another man's jack i'll e'en take this opportunity and while all the rest are knocking one another on the head i'll go into the pantry and stuff both guts and wallet as long as they'll hold

scene twelve sir thomas dorothea see ungracious girl see what your cursed inclinations have occasioned i'm sure they are the cause of my misery if fair love be destroyed i never shall enjoy a moment's quiet more perhaps it were better for him if he were i shall handle him in such a manner that the rest of his life shall not be much worth wishing for Thus, on my knees, sir, I entreat you by all the tenderness you ever profess to me, by all the joy you have so often said I gave you, by all the pain I now endure. Do not attempt to injure, fair love. You can inflict no punishment on him, but I must feel much more than half. Is it not enough to pull me, tear me bleeding from his heart? Is it not enough to rub my eyes of what they love more than light or than themselves?

Hinder me from all those scenes of bliss I'd painted to myself. Oh, hear me, sir, or kill me, and do not make this life you gave a curse. Away, you're no child of mine. Would you keep me from him, try to make him happy? That thought would be some comfort in his absence. I might perhaps bear to be no partaker of his happiness, but not so of his sufferings. Were he in a palace, you might keep me wretched alone.

But were he in a prison, not all the powers on earth should keep me from him. Scene 13 Guzzle Mrs. Guzzle Constable Don Quixote Fairlove John

We have made a shift And it pleased your worship To secure this A mad fellow at last But he has done us more mischief Than ever it will be in his power To make us reparation for Our house is ruined forever

There's not one whole window in it The stage coachman swears He'll never bring a company to it again there's miss sneak above in fits and mr sneak poor man is crying and madam sneak she's a-swearing and stamping like a dragoon mr fair love you shall answer for this as for that poor fellow there i suppose you have hired him hark fellow what did this gentleman give you to do all this mischief Oh, it is your time now, and you may use it. I perceive this adventure is not reserved for me. Therefore I must submit to the enchantment.

Do you banter me, you rascal? Poor wretch! I scorn to retort thy injurious words. I'll make you know who I am presently. I will so. Dost thou then think I know thee not To be the giant, Turgillacombo? Yet think not because I submit to my fortune

That I fear thee? No, the time will come When I shall see thee the prey of some more happy night. I'll knight you, you dog, I will. Do you hear, husband? I suppose you won't doubt whether he be mad any longer or no, he makes no more of his worship than if he were talking to a fiddler. I wish your worship would send him to jail. He seems to look most accursedly mischievous.

I shall never think myself safe until he is under lock and key. Sir Thomas, I do not deserve this, you see, to your hands. And though my love to your daughter hath made me hitherto passive, do not carry the thing too far, for be assured if you do, You shall answer for it. Hi, aye, sir. We are not afraid of that. Scene 14.

Squire Badger, Sir Thomas, Dorothea, Fairlove, Don Quixote, Mrs. Guzzle. Hoons, what's the matter with you all? It's the devil in the inn that you won't let a man sleep? I was as fast on the table as if I have. I've been in a feather bed. Spod, what's the matter? Where's my lord slang?

Dear squire, let me entreat you would go to bed. You are a little heated with wine. Oon, sir, do you say that I'm drunk? I say, sir, that I am a sober of a judge, and if any man says that I am drunk, sir, He is a liar And the son of a Ha-oh

My dear Ain't I thober now? Oh, nauseous, filthy wretch For George, A pretty good wench I'll have a kiss I'll want It twice as handsome as my wife

That is to be Hold, dear sir This is my daughter Sir, I don't care whose daughter she is. For heaven's sake, somebody defend me from him. Let me go dogs. Villan thou hast better eat thy fingers than lay him rudely on that lady. Dear Mr. Badger, this is my daughter, the young lady to whom you intended your addresses.

Well, sir, and ain't I making addresses to? her, sir, hey. Let me beseech you, sir, to attack her in no rude manner. Prithee, dost thou know who I am? I fancy if thou didst know who I was, thou wouldst not talk to me so. If thou dost any more, I shall lend

thee and knock. Come, madam, since I have promised to marry you. since I can't be off with honour, as they say, the sooner it's done the better. Let us send for a pathan and be married. Now I'm in the humour. Spoddy Gins, I find there is nothing in making love when a man's but once got well into it.

I never made a word of love before in my life, and yet it is as natural. seemingly, as if I had been bound prenticed to it. Sir, one word with you, if you please. I suppose you look upon yourself as a reasonable sort of person. What? That you are capable of managing your affairs, that you don't stand in need of a governor.

Hey! And if this be true of you, is it possible you can prefer that for? wretch, who is a scandal to his very species, to this gentleman, whose person and parts would be an honour to the greatest of it? Has he made you his advocate? Tell him I can prefer three thousand to one. The usual madness of mankind.

Do you marry your daughter for her sake, or your own? If for hers, sure tis something whimsical to make her miserable in order to make her her happy. Money is a thing well worth considering in these affairs, but parents always regard it too much, and lovers too little. No match can be happy which love and fortune do not conspire to make so. The greatest addition of either illy supplies the entire absence of the other. Nor would millions a year make that beast in your daughter's eye, preferable to this youth with a thousand. What have we here? A philosophical pimp!

I can't help saying, but the fellow has some truth on his side. You are my eternal aversion. Looky, madam, I could take a joke or so, but if you are in earnest. Indeed I am, I hate and despise you in the most serious earnest. To you, then you may kiss, Spot,

I can hate as well as you. Your daughter has affronted me here. Sir, what's your name? And I'll have satisfaction. Oh, that I were disenchanted for thy sake. Sir, I'll have satisfaction. My daughter, sir. Sir, your daughter, sir, is a son of a whore.

sir spod i'll go find my lord slang a fig for you and your daughter too i'll have satisfaction exit a turk would scarce marry a christian slave to such a husband how this man was misrepresented to me fellows let go your prisoner mr fairlove can you forgive me can i make you any reparation for the injustice I have shown you on this wretches account. If the immediate executing all my former promises to you can make you forget my having broken them, and if, as I have no reason to doubt, your love for my daughter will continue, you have my consent to consummate as soon you please. hers, I believe you have already. Oh, transport, oh blessed moment.

No consent of mine can ever be wanting to make him happy. Air 14. Thus the merchant, who with pleasure long adventured on the main, hugging fast his darling treasure, gaily smiles on past toils well repaid for all his pain. Thus the nymph who dream affrighting with her lover's death alarms, wakes with transports all delighting, madly blessed when caressed,

in his warm and twining arms. Lord bless him, who could have parted them that hadn't a heart of oak? Here are the fruits of night-errantry for you. Here is an instance of what admirable service we are to mankind. I find some adventures are reserved for Don Quixote de la Mancha. Don Quixote de la Mancha.

"'Is it possible that you can be the real, Don Quixote de la Mancha?' "'Truly, sir. I have had so much ado with enchanters, "'that I dare not affirm whether I am really myself or no.' "'Sir, I honour you much. I have heard of your great achievements in Spain. "'What brought you to England, noble Don?' "'A search of adventures, sir. No place abound more with them.' I was told there was a plenteous stock of monsters, nor have I found one less than I expected. Scene 15. Don Quixote, Sir Thomas, Fairlove, Dorothea, Guzzle, Mrs. Guzzle, brief, Dr. Drench.

I'll have satisfaction. I won't be used after this manner for nothing, while there is either law or judge or justice or jury or crown office or actions of damages, or on the case, or trespasses, or assaults and batteries. What's the matter, Mr. Councillor? Oh, Sir Thomas. I am abused, beaten, hurt, maimed, disfigured, defaced, dismembered, killed, massacred and murdered by this rogue, robbered, rascal villain. I shan't be able to appear at Westminster Hall the whole term. It will be as good as 300 pounds out of my pockets as was ever taken. If this madman be not blooded, cept, sweat and blistered, vomited, vomited, purged, this instant, he will be incurable.

I am well acquainted with this sort of frenzy. His next paroxysm will be six times as strong as the former. Pah! The man is no more mad than I am. I should be finally off if he could be proved non-composementis. It is an easy thing for a man to pretend madness ex post facto. Pretend madness? Give me leave to tell you, Mr. Brief.

I am not to be pretended with. I judge by symptoms, sir. Symptoms? Gad, here are symptoms for you if you come to that. Very plain symptoms of madness, I think. Very fine indeed. Very fine doctrine. Very fine indeed. A man's beating of another is a proof of madness, so that if a man be indicted,

he has nothing to do but to plead non-composementis, and he's acquitted, of course. So there's an end of all actions of assaults and battery at once. Scene 16. Sir Thomas, Cook, Don Quote, Sancho, Sancho, Fair Love, Dr. Drench, servants hailing in Sancho. Heyday, what's the matter now? Bring him along. Bring him along. Ah, master, no wonder you've complained so long of missing your victuals.

For all the time you were out in the yard, this rogue has been stuffing his guts in the pantry. Nay, he has not only done that, but everything he could not eat, he's crammed into that great sack there, which he calls a wallet. Thou scandal to the name of Squire. Wilteth thou eternally bring shame on thy master by these little pilfering tricks. Nay, nay, you have no reason to talk, good master of mine. The receivers is bad as the thief.

And you have been glad, let me tell you, after some of your adventures, to see the inside of the wallet as well as I. What a pox are these your errantry tricks To leave your friends in the lurch? Slave, Cative Dear knight, be not angry with the trusty sancho You know, by the laws of knight-errantry,

Stuffing the wallet, Has still been the privilege of the squire. If this gentleman be a knight-errant, I wish he would make me his squire, I'm pacified. Landlord, be easy. Whatever you may have suffered by Mr. Sancho or his illustrious master,

I'll see you paid. If you will honor my house, noble knight, and be present at my daughter's wedding with this gentleman, we will do the best in our power for your entertainment. Sir, I accept your offer. And unless any immediate adventure of moment should intervene, we'll attend you. Oh, rare, Sancho, this is brave news, Efe. Give me your wedding adventures.

The devil take all the rest. Sure, St. Thomas, you will not take a madman home with you to your house. I have heard thee, thou ignorant wretch, throw that word in my face. with patience, for alas, could it be proved, what were it more than almost all mankind in some degrees deserve? Who would doubt the noisy, boisterous squire, who was here just now, to be mad? Must not this noble knight here have been mad, to think of marrying his daughter to such a wretch? You, doctor, are mad, too, though not so mad as your patience. The lawyer here is mad, or he would not not have gone into a scuffle when it is the business of men of his profession to set other men by the ears and keep clear themselves i don't know whether this night by and by may not prove us all to be more mad than himself

perhaps sir thomas that is no such difficult point air fifteen country bumpkin all mankind are mad tis plain some for places Some embraces. Some are mad to keep up game, and others mad to spend it. Courteers we may madmen rate, poor believers and deceivers, some are mad to hurt the state, and others mad to mend it. Lawyers are for bedlam fit, or they never could endeavor. Half the rogueries to commit, which were so mad to let them, poets madmen are no doubt, with projectors and directors. Women all are mad throughout, and we more mad to get them. Since your madness is so plain, each spectator of good nature, with applause will entertain his brother of La Mancha. With applause will entertain Don Quixote and Squire Sancho.

End of Act 3. End of Don Quixote in England. By Henry Fielding