Classic Audiobook Collection - English as She is Wrote by Anonymous ~ Full Audiobook [comedy]

Episode Date: August 1, 2025

English as She is Wrote by Anonymous audiobook. Genre: comedy English as She is Wrote is a famously odd little volume that turns language learning into unintended comedy. Presented as a practical guide to English, this anonymous phrasebook (compiled from Portuguese sources) offers translations that are technically recognizable but wildly mischosen, producing a parade of malapropisms, tangled idioms, and baffling literal renderings. Each entry reads like a sincere attempt to be helpful - how to greet someone, describe your day, travel, bargain, or write a polite note - yet the results veer into nonsense, as if the book is constantly one step away from making sense. The central tension is simple and irresistible: the author's earnest desire to teach clashes with the slippery, rule-breaking nature of real English, exposing how easily meaning collapses when words are swapped without context. As the pages pile up, the humor becomes a kind of linguistic detective story, inviting listeners to decode what the writer probably meant and to appreciate how culture, idiom, and nuance shape speech. Part satire, part accidental masterpiece, it remains a classic celebration of language gone gloriously wrong. For ad-free listening try our premium subscription Chapters (Approximate) (00:00:00) Chapter 1 (00:13:53) Chapter 2 (00:32:40) Chapter 3 (01:01:32) Chapter 4 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

english as she is wrote showing curious ways in which the english language may be made to convey ideas or obscure them by anonymous prefatory anybody said an astute lawyer addressing the jury to whom the opposing counsel had reflected upon inaccuracies in the spelling of his brief anybody can write english correctly but surely a man may be allowed to spell a word in two or three different ways if he likes. This was a claim for independence of action which so commended itself to the jury that it won a verdict for his client. The same plea may be considered in regard to the truly wonderful way in which the mother tongue is often written, by the educated sometimes as well as by the uneducated. A man, it may be urged, has a right to spell as he chooses, and to express his ideas when he has any, as best a man, he can while when he suffers from a dearth of those rare articles he has still more reason to rejoice in liberty of choice in respect to the language he selects to cover his poverty of thought hence there are doubtless good and sufficient reasons for every specimen of english as she is wrote which it is the object of this little book to rescue from oblivion and which have one and all been written with the sober conviction upon the part of the writer that they accurately conveyed the meaning they desired. Intentionally humorous efforts have been carefully excluded, and the interest of the collection consists in the spontaneity of expression,

and in the fact that it offers fair samples of the possibilities which lie hidden in the orthography and construction of our language. Let it be remembered, then, that anybody can write English as she should be wrote, and hence that a certain meat of admiration, is due to those who, exercising their right of independent action, succeed in making it at once original and racy, and in conveying, without the least effort, meanings totally opposed to their intention,

affording thereby admirable examples of English as she is wrote by thousands. Chapter 1. By the Inaccurate In the account of an inaugural ceremony, it is asserted that, quote, the procession was very fine and nearly two miles long, as was also the report of Dr. Perry the chaplain, end quote. A Western paper says, quote,

A child was run over by a wagon three years old and cross-eyed with pantalets on, which never spoke afterward, end quote. Here is some descriptive evidence of personal peculiarities. A fellow was arrested with short hair. I saw a man digging a well with a Roman nose. A house was built by a mason of brown stone. Wanted, a room by two gentlemen 30 feet long and 20 feet wide.

A man from Africa called to pay his compliments, tall and dark complexioned. I perceived that it had been scoured with half an eye. A sea captain once asserted that his, quote, Vessel was beautifully painted with a tall mast, end quote. In an account of travels, we are assured that, quote, A pearl was found by a sailor in a shell, and quote. A bill presented to a farmer ran thus,

quote, to hanging two barn doors and myself, four shillings sixpence, end quote. A storekeeper, a share. his customers that, quote, the longest time and easiest terms are given by any other house in the city, end quote. Here is a curious evidence of philanthropy, quote, a wealthy gentleman will adopt a little boy with a small family, end quote. A parochial report states that, quote, the town farmhouse and almshouse have been carried on the past year to our reasonable satisfaction, especially the almshouse, at which there have been an unusual amount of sickness and three deaths, end quote. A Kansas paper thus ends a marriage notice, quote,

The couple left for the east on the night train where they will reside, end quote. In the account of a shipwreck, we find the following, quote, The captain swam ashore, so did the chambermaid. She was insured for a large sum and loaded with, with pig iron." A notice at the entrance to a bridge asserts that, quote, Any person driving over this bridge in a faster pace than a walk shall,

if a white person be fined five dollars, and if a negro receive 25 lashes, half the penalty to be bestowed on the informer, end quote. The following notice appeared on the west end of a country meeting house, anybody sticking bills against this church will be prosecuted according to law or any other nuisance and quote a gushing but ungrammatical editor says we have received a basket of fine grapes from our friend blank for which he will please accept our compliments some of which are nearly one inch in diameter end quote on the panel under the letter receiver of the general post-office dublin these words are printed, quote,

Post here letters too late for the next mail, end quote. An Ohio farmer is said to have the following warning posted conspicuously on his premises, If any man's or woman's cows or oxen gets in this here oats, his or her tail will be cut off as the case may be, end quote. A lady desired to communicate by electricity, to her husband in the city the size of an illuminated text which she had promised for the Sunday school room. When the order reached him, it read, quote, Unto us a child is born nine feet long

by two feet wide, end quote. A farmer who wished to enter some of his livestock at an agricultural exhibition in the innocence of his heart, but with more truth in his words than he dreamed of, wrote to the committee saying, quote, enter me for one jackass, end quote. An Irishman complained to his physician that, quote, he stuffed him so much with drugs that he was ill a long time after he got well, end quote. A correspondent of a New York paper described Mr. C's journey to Washington to attend, quote, the dying bedside of his mother, end quote. A dealer in engravings announced, Scotland forever, a cavalry charge after Elizabeth Thompson Butler just published, end quote.

A Western paper says that, quote, A fine new schoolhouse has just been finished in that town, capable of accommodating 300 students four stories high, end quote. A coroner's verdict read thus, quote, the deceased came to his death by excessive drinking, producing apoplexy in the minds of the jury, end quote. An old edition of Morse's geography declares that, quote, Albany has 400 dwelling houses and 2400 inhabitants, all standing with their gable ends to the street, and quote. A member of a school committee writes, quote,

We have two schoolrooms sufficiently large to accommodate three, hundred pupils, one above the other, end quote. A Harrisburg paper, answering a correspondent on a question of etiquette, says, quote, When a gentleman and lady are walking upon the street, the lady should walk inside of the gentleman, and quote. A clergyman writes, quote, a young woman died in my neighborhood yesterday while I was preaching the gospel in a beastly state of intoxication, end quote. a certain friendly society which was also a sort of mutual insurance organization had this among its printed notices to the members

in the event of your death you are requested to bring your book policy and certificate at once to mr blank when your claims will have immediate attention a new york paper describing a funeral in jersey city says at the ferry four friends of the deceased took possession of the carriage and followed the remains to evergreen cemetery where they were quietly interred in a new lot without service or ceremony and quote the devotion of the friends of the deceased was certainly remarkable but one cannot help wondering what became of the remains a newspaper gives an account of a man who was driving an old ox when he became angry and kicked him hitting his jaw-bone with such force as to break his leg quote we have been fairly wild ever since we read the paper writes a contemporary to know who or which got angry at whom or what and if the ox kicked the man's jaw with such force as to break the ox's leg or how it is or did the man kick the ox in the jaw-bone with such force as to break the ox's leg and if so which leg it's one of those things which no man can find out save only the man who kicked or was being kicked as the case may be and quote one of sir boyle roche's invitations to an irish nobleman was rather equivocal he wrote i hope my lord if you ever come within a mile of my house you will stay there all night and quote. A German tourist expresses himself in regard to his Scottish experiences as follows, quote, A person angry says today that he was from the theatre gallery spit upon. Very fine, I also was spit upon,

not on the dress, but into the eye straight it came with strong force, while I look up angry to the gallery. Before I come to your country, I worship the Scotland of my books, my way of my way, Noverly novel, you know, but now I dwell here since six months, in all parts the picture change. I now know of the bad smell, the oath and curse of God's name, the whiskey drink, and the rudeness. You have much money here, but you want what money cannot buy, heart cultivating that makes respect for gentle things. Oh, to be spit in the eye in one half million of peopled town. Let me no longer be in this cold country, where people push in the street, blow the nose with naked finger, empty the dish at the house door, choose the clergy from the lower classes, and then go with them to death for an ecclesiastical theory which none of them can understand. I go home three days' time, end quote. There is more in this than grotesque English, however, it abounds with good sense and penetration. The following is a pattern piece of modern style, sanctioned by an English

Board of Trade, and drawn up by an eminent authority. Quote, tickets are nipped at the barriers, and passengers admitted to the platforms will have to be delivered up to the company in event of the holders subsequently retiring from the platforms without traveling, and cannot be recognized for readmission, end quote. A college professor, describing the effect of the wind in some western forests, wrote, quote, In traveling along the road, I even sometimes found the logs bound and twisted together to such an extent that a mule couldn't climb over them, so I went round, end quote. A mayor in a university town issued the following proclamation, quote,

whereas a multiplicity of dangers are often incurred by damage of outrageous accidents by fire, we whose names are undersigned have thought proper that the benefit of an engine bought by us for the better extinguishing of which by the accidents of almighty god may unto us happen to make a rate together benevolence for the better propagating such useful instruments End quote. End of Prefatory and Chapter 1. Recording by Trisha G. Chapters 2 and 3 of English as she is wrote by Anonymous. This Libra Box recording is in the public domain. Chapter 2.

By advertisers and on sign boards. Two young women want washing. Teeth extracted with great pains. babies taken and finished in ten minutes by a country photographer. Wood and coal split. Wanted, a female who has a knowledge of fitting boots of a good moral character. For sale, a handsome piano, the property of a young lady who is leaving Scotland in a walnut case with turned legs. A large Spanish blue gentleman's cloak lost in the neighborhood of the market.

To be sold, a splendid gray horse calculated for a charger or would carry a lady with a switch tail. Wanted a young man to take charge of horses of a religious turn of mind. A lady advertises her desire for a husband, quote, with a Roman nose having strong religious tendencies, and quote. Wanted a young man to look after a horse of the Methodist persuasion. A chemist inquires, quote, Will the gentleman who left his stomach for analysis, please call and get it together with the result? End quote.

Wanted, an accomplished poodle nurse. Wages $5 a week. In the far west a man advertises for a woman, quote, to wash, iron, and milk one or two cows. End quote. Lost, a cameo broke. representing Venus and Adonis on the Drumcondra Road about 10 o'clock on a Tuesday evening. An advertiser, having made an advantageous purchase, offers for sale on very low terms,

quote, six dozen of prime port wine late the property of a gentleman 40 years of age, full of body, and with a high bouquet, end quote. A steamboat captain in advertising for an excursion closes thus, Quote, Tickets 25 cents, children half-priced to be had at the captain's office, end quote. Among carriages to be disposed of, mention is made of, quote, a male phaeton, the property of a gentleman with a movable head as good as new, end quote. An inducement to return property is offered as follows, quote, If the gentleman who keeps the shoe store with a red head will return the umbrella of a young, lady with whalebone ribs and an iron handle to the slate-roofed grocer's shop, he will hear of something to his advantage, as the same as a gift of a deceased mother now know more with

the name engraved upon it." An English matrimonial advertisement reads as follows, quote, A young man about twenty-five years of age, in a very good trade, whose father will make him worth one thousand pounds, would willingly embrace a suitable match. He has been brought up a dissenter with his parents and is a sober man, end quote. A landlady, innocent of grammatical knowledge, advertises that she has, quote, a fine, airy, well-furnished bedroom for a gentleman 12 feet square, end quote. Another has, quote, a cheap and desirable suit of rooms for a respectable family in good repair, and quote.

Still another has, quote, a hall bedroom for a seat of rooms for a suitable, single woman ate by 12, end quote. A photographer's sign reads, quote, this style three pictures finished in 15 minutes while you wait for 25 cents beautifully colored, end quote. A cheap restaurant displays this sign, oyster pies open all night, and coffee and cakes off the griddle.

A baker displays the sign, family baking done here, The sign would look more appropriate if it were in front of some of our, quote, cool and well-ventilated summer resort hotels. The sign at Abraham Lowe's Inn, Douglas, Isle of Man, is accompanied by this quaint verse, quote, I'm Abraham low and halfway up the hill, if I were higher up, what's funnier still, I should be low.

Come in and take your fill of porter, ale, wine, spirits, what you will. Step in, my friend, I pray no further go, my prices like myself are always low, end quote. On a vacant lotback of Covington, Kentucky is posted this sign, quote, No plain base bowl on these primacies, end quote. Notice in a Hoboken ferry boat, quote, The seats in this cabin are reserved for ladies. Gentlemen are requested not to occupy them until the ladies are. seated," end quote.

A sign in a Pennsylvania town reads as follows, quote, John Smith, teacher of Coutillians and other dances, grammar taught in the neatest manner, fresh salt heron on draft, likewise good phrase cordial, roots sassage and other garden truck, N. B. Ball on Friday night,

prayer meeten Tuesday, also psalm singing by the choir, and quote. The following notice appeared on a fence of a vacant lot in Brooklyn, quote, all persons are forbidden to throw ashes on this lot under penalty of the law or any other garbage, and quote. A barber's sign in Buffalo, New York, has the following. This is the place for a physiognomical hair cutting

and ecstatic shaving and shampooing. A San Francisco bootblack of poetic aspirations proclaims his superior skill in the following lines, pasted over the door of his establishment. No day was air so bright, so black was never a night, as will your boots be if you get, them blackened right in here, you bet. The following appears on a Welsh shoemaker's signboard.

Price-Dia's cobbler, dealer in Bacoghag and pigtail bacon and giner bread, eggs laid by me and very good paradise in the summer, gentlemen and lady can have good tay and crumpets and strawberry with a skim milk, because I can't get no cream. N.B. Shoes and boots mended very well. An Irish inn exhibits the following in large type. Within this hive, we are all alive with whiskey sweet as honey. If you are dry, step in and try, but don't forget your mom.

An inn near London displays a board with the following inscription. Call softly. Drink moderately. Pay honorably. Be good company. Heart friendly. Go home quietly. Let these lines be no man's sorrow.

Pay today and I'll trust tomorrow. Chapter 3 for epitaphs. A terse account of an untimed end is given upon a stone in a Mexican churchyard. He was young, he was fair, but the injuns raised his hair. The following may be read upon the tombstone of Lottie Merrill, the young huntress of Wayne County, Pennsylvania. Lottie Merrill lays here, she didn't know what it was to be afeard,

but she has had her last tussle with the bars, and they've scooped her and she was a good girl, and she is now in heaven. It took six big bars to get away with her. She was only 18 years old. Upon the tomb of a boy who died of eating too much fruit, this quaint epitaph conveys a moral. Currents have checked the current of my blood, and berries brought me to be buried here.

Pears have pared off my body's heartyhood, and plums and plumbers spare not one so spare. Fain would I fain my fain. fall so fair a fair lessons not hate yet tis a lesson good guilt will not long hide guilt such thin washed wear wears quickly and its rude touch soon is rude grave on my grave some sentence grave and terse that lies not as it lies upon my clay but in gentle strain of unstrained verse praise all to pity a poor patty's prey rehearses i was fruit to my hearse, tells that my days are told, and soon I'm told away. In Glasgow Cathedral is an epitaph which is engraved on the lid of a very old sarcophagus, discovered in the crypt.

Our life's a flying shadow, God's the pole, the index pointing at him is our soul, deaths the horizon where our sun is set, which will through Christ a resurrection get. in a graveyard at montrose in scotland this inscription may still be seen here lies the body of george young and of all his posterity for fifty years backwards this brief announcement may be read in rexham churchyard wales here lies five babies and children dear three at austry and two here in a churchyard near london the following may be deciphered killed by an omnibus why not so quick a death a boon is let not his friends lament his lot for morse omnibus communis there is an unqualified hiberianism in the following here lies the remains of thomas maelstrom who died in philadelphia march seventeenth had he lived he would have been buried here a good deal of positive information is conveyed in this epitaph here lies cut down like unripe fruit the wife of deacon amos shoot she died of drinking too much coffee annie to the victim of an accident here lies the body of james hambrick which was accidentally shot in the pacas river by a young man with one of colts large revolvers with no stopper for the hand for to rest on it was one of the old-fashioned sort

grass-mounted and of such is the kingdom of heaven. William Curtis, who was famous for his bad grammar, may have composed his own epitaph. Here lies William Curtis, our late Lord Mayor, who has left this world and gone to that there. In a churchyard in London, evidently written by a cockney, here lies John Ross, kicked by a hoss. In Trinity Churchyard New York,

York, this inscription may be read. Val blank. Sidney Breeze, June 9, 17-something, made by himself. Ha, Sidney, Sidney, liest thou here? I lie here till time's last extremity. Upon a stone under the grocer's arms is this inscription in memory of Gerard, a tea dealer. Garrett, some called him, but that was too lie. His name was Garraud. who now here doth lie. Weep not for him, since he has gone before, to heaven where grossers there are many more. The value of phonetic spelling is set forth in this terse memorial.

Here lies two brothers by misfortune surrounded, one died of his wounds, the other was drowned. Resignation and an eye to the main chance are combined in the following. Beneath this stone in hope of Zion doth lie the landlord of the lion, his son keeps in the business still, resigned unto the heavenly will. In the churchyard in Wiltshire, England, beneath this stone lies our dear child, who's gone away from we forevermore into eternity, when we do hope that we shall go to he, but him can never come back to we. Mrs. Sarah Newman. Pain was my portion, physic was my food, groans was my devotion, drugs done me no good. Christ was my physician, knew what way was best, to ease me of my pain he took my soul to rest. An inscription to four wives. To the memory of my four wives, who all died within the space of ten years,

but more particular to the last Mrs. Sally Horn, who has left me and four dear children. She was a good, sober, and clean soul, and may I soon go to her. Dear wives, if you and I shall all go to heaven, the Lord be blessed, for then we shall be even. William Joy Horn Carpenter On a dyer.

He died to live and lived to die. on mrs lee and her son in her life she did her best now i hope her soul's at rest also her son tom lies at her feet he lived till he made both ends meet at edinburgh john mcpherson was a wonderful person he stood six feet two without his shoe and he was slew at waterloo one john round was lost at sea and it was lost at sea and it was In the graveyard of his native place, a stone was erected with the following couplet inscribed thereon. Under this bed lies John Round, who was lost at sea and never found. In an old churchyard in Ireland, here lies John Highley, whose father and mother were drowned on their passage to America. Had they lived, they would have been buried here. In a churchyard in Ohio.

Under this sod and under these trees lieeth the bod E of Solomon Peas. He's not in this hole, but only his pod. He shelled out his soul and went up to his God. From a tombstone in Cornwall, England. Father and mother and I lied buried here asunder. Father and mother lie buried here, and I lie buried yonder. On Eliza Newman Like a tender rose-tree was my spouse to me

Her offspring plucked, too long deprived of life was she Three went before, her life went with the six, I stay with three our sorrows for to mix, Till Christ our only hope our joys doth fix. On a drummer in an English churchyard. Tom Clark was a drummer who went to the war and was killed by a bullet and his soul sent for. There were no friends to mourn him, for his virtues were rare.

He died like a man and like a Christian bear. On a stone near Appomattox Courthouse, Virginia. Robert C. Wright was born June 26, 1772, died July 2, 1815, by the bloodthirsty hand of John Sweeney, Sr., who was massacred with the knife, then a London gun discharge a ball penetrate the heart that give the immortal wound. At Middletown, Connecticut is the following. This lovely pleasant child, he was our only one, although we've buried three before, two daughters and a son.

The controlling power of rhyme is well illustrated in the subjoined from a tombstone in Manchester. Here lies, alas, more's the pity, all that remains of Nicholas New City. N.B., his name was Newtown. Another instance of how rhyming difficulties may be overcome is as follows. Here lies the remains of Thomas Woodhen, the most amiable of husbands and excellent of men.

N.B., his real name was Woodcock, but it wouldn't come in rhyme, his widow. The subjoined contains a solemn warning. My wife has left me, she's gone up on high. She was thoughtful while dying and said, Tom, don't cry. She was a great beauty, so everyone knows, with Hebe-like features and a fine Roman nose.

She played the piano and was learning a ballad when she sickened and dieded from eating veal salad. Upon a tombstone in Pennsylvania, Battle of Shiloh, April 6, 1862. John D. L. was born March 26, 1839, in the town of West Dresden, state of New York, where the wicked cease from troubling and the weary are at rest. A tombstone in Pittsfield, Massachusetts, has these lines. When you, my friends, are passing by, and this inform you where I lie,

remember you ere long must have, like me, a mansion in the grave, also three infants, two sons and a daughter. End of chapters two and three. Recording by Trisha G. Chapters 4 and 5 of English as she is wrote by Anonymous. The Slibervok's recording is in the public domain. Chapter 4 by correspondence. From a butcher at Burhampur, India to a customer.

To his highness, Kid Esquire, the humble butcher now's roney rest respectfully showeth that for your honour has sent a good beef one rump and pleased to take it and pay day-labor of bearer coolly as your obedient butcher shall ever pray From a scholar in India to his master. My dear sir, I humbly beg to inform you, please, To give me leaf for one week, Because I cannot walk with my feet, I am very uncomfortable. Give my compliments to my master. I pray to God for everlasting life.

I am your humble servant, Shebert Lal. From an Indian schoolboy. Benevolent, sir, the wolf of six. has laid hold on the flock of my health. From an Indian clerk. Sir, being afflicted to the stomach and vomit, Ang, I am sorry I cannot attend to office today. From a Canadian lady to an eligible gentleman.

Dear Mr. B, I, Mrs. Wigston, wish you would call on my daughter Amelia. She is very amusing and is a regular young flirt. She can sing like a honey-bee and her pre-aignee and her papa can play on the fiddle nicely and we might have a rare hoe down. Amelia is highly educated, she can dance like a grasshopper looking for grub and she can make beautiful bread. It tastes just like honeybee's bread and for pumpkin pies she can't be beat. In fact, she's ahead of all F girls and will make a good wife for any man. Yours truly Mrs. Wigston. Bring your brother. from a schoolboy to the elder booth west house school prospect new york dear sir and friend hearing that you was going to come to utica to perform in a play called hamlet

i would like to say that us boys is getting up an exhibition for the benefit of diseased soldiers and their widows and orphans and would like to engage you to do the leading part i have talked it up with the boys and we will do the squire thing by you and i am arterized to make you the following offer we will come down after you with a good conveyance and will give you at the rate of ten dollars a day and board and shall want you one week. If you think it necessary, you can have one or two of our best women actors to come up with you, but we can't pay them over $3 a day and feed. You can have some fun at a hunting deer and foxes around Flamburgs and Ed Wilkissons. Please let me know as soon as you can. Yours truly, James Sweet. If you come calating to hunt, get Frank Meyers' hound, she is a good one. We subjoined several letters received by a New York publishing house. Blank, Louisiana, November 18, 1880-something.

Dear Sir, I have seated myself down to pen you a few lines in regards off your high de-growed textbooks. Sir, I wish you would forward to me in the next mail a catalog of all of your educational old and latest published books in market. I stand in need off a good son. set of books, and when I receive your catalogue, I will send on immediately and get a selectest outfit of your books. By so doing, you will oblige yours and etc. Dear SR, I saw a small list of yours embraces standard works in every department of study,

and for every grade of classes, from the primary school to the university. I desire to have correspondence with you, and as I taught school for through three Cesson in the ninth district of Fwentress County, Tennessee, and I quit Imit with Cooper, and our country need instruction, and except we get the implement for instruction, we may always expect ignorant, turn over. Mr. I want you to send educational list of your standard works, and also a copy-book, that I may instruct my studentes more correctly, and, and, you to send, and you to send educational list of your standard works, and also a copy-book, and I may instruct my studentes more correctly and I proffer to take agents if it is not contrary to law if your work consoled without paying tax or leason and a blige yours truly

Joel E. Atkinson schoolteacher nine district Fuentress Coe Logan Finch Charles Atkinson J. Hall e school directors in my district days. Dear sir I want you to send me a catalog, the emblem book, and tell me what it will cost. I think I can sell as many as 15, be sure, and give the price that is what they want to know. Dear sir, I received your copy, October 9, 1881, if you charge anything for composing them letters, write to me, and I will pay, we'll send it by mail in one cent stamps. You need not to think I want to swindle you out of one cent, I will do everything I say I will do, so if you will write and give the price of the emblem and the love-writer and chart and key of the Spenserian system and they like, I will

get up a subscription and send the money for them immediately. Dear sir, tell me what is the emblem of a red rose and a white rose of a boca. Dear sir, wilt please send me a description of your outfit of books and give me one or two I-Dyes about the catalog price of your English, Latin, Greek, French, and Stanish, Italian Hebrew, and Syriac books to my address. I has issued out orders, bought commissition, etc. My trustee tell me that only 2d V. Z, and in New York at the time, it Febby the 15, my know of books is twenty-five and I desire one complete example of your best books if you can convenie furnish my needs right at once I will be more and obliged to you

looking by every mail for your returns soon so please your truly servant I am dear sir my name in full blank dear sir understanding that you possess some influence among the board of directors of of your fine books and for useful learning for schools i beg to solicit your interest for me i want to purchase some useful books and messrs please send me one of your catalogs you will oblige de much in so doing and far my friends i will tell you i have a great many of relatives who would wish to purchase some book if could be bought from you below price my friend you must excuse my hasty note for the small time was at hand and also my friend you must excuse my lead pencil write my soon friend i will close and will show you that you will be remembered by sir's your obedient and faithful servants blank sir i now write to you to ask you information on book lines sir i have seen some of your books and the suited me very much on educational and sir i did suspect to start to teach school in the same ward and i wanted to get a fennel resortment of of books and i wanted to get my books from you and i wanted like to know how you would reply me them and i hope when you received this letter that you would write right away at once and give me the full address how to send for these books and i want to know whether i give you the right address sir your friend blank would like to read a letter from under your hand and i want you to please to give me your address of all kinds of books that you have. I expect to start school soon, and I had much applications by pupils that lives A-Rounds, in the sections where I lives,

says, if I gets the books, they would buy them from me. I hope that you would write as soon as possible, and let me know so I can write again, and please to send me some of your paper, so that I can read them to the people, so them can believe that I did wrote, here. When you write, please to direct your letter to blank, so I hope you will write soon, and please fail not to send me some of your papers and direct me how to get money to you, when I send for books, fail not to direct your letter to blank post office. So I have no more to write, I will close and remain your truly friend. M. Alabama October 13, 1881. Dear Sir, Dear Friend, will you please please

please send me one line of capital's letters, one line of the small letters, and show me the space how far up and how far down, and write and tell me what the chart and fray with cost. The chart of the standard system is the one I want. There is eight men I have shown your copy you sent to me, they say they intend to have one chart apiece. Dear sir, I have been talking with several young men about love-writers, I want you to compose three letters consisting of love and poetry, write one as though you loved her and want to marry her, one as though she had slighted you. The next one, as you think best compose

them, and send them to me, and I will show them to the boys I am satisfied they will be sure to buy. Letter to an editor, Dear Sir, The historic apple that tossed about and struck Sir Isaac Newton landed finally, in revealing its inner nature its hidden meaning, not only as a consolation, but also of universal utility in all scientific ranges. Or out of the symbols of the ancient world, up to the real discoveries of the present time, preceded the solution of the relation of the eternal time, motion, and distance. Which set forte, the discovery of the generational cosmological parents of this planet, are discovered that these can be seen by all mankind.

RESP Letter received by a cotton broker. Flat Town, December 30th. Mr. J.W. and Company, Sir, gentlemen. The shipments from this out the balance of the season will be for more on the count. Last year was a short crop, and two weeks early than this season, and people sold right straight along here last season,

and the biggest and best farmers this season are holding looking forward to biger prices, I have gathered eighty bales, and fifteen or sixteen more in the field yet to pick, so you see when I make my estimate in this county, they are a power of cotton on the fields yet to pick, and a great eel in houses not gined up yet. Just act as if those deals were your own, should you close them out, just credit my account with the profits, but don't close them out until you think it has touch bottom,

then I want you to buy me the same amount, but don't buy till you think it the right time, and then should you see a profit in it, turn it loose without ever consulting me, if it clears up cold, we will have kill and frost, but it can't hurt here for the crop is made. I remain yours very truly. Another letter to a cotton broker.

Mr. W. W. and Company. Sir Gents. I have Gust got in from the West, and find your letters stating that corn had touched bottom, which I do think myself it has. But it has advanced so much now, I don't know that it would pay me much either way now. Had I been at home, I should have closed out,

and about the same amount was my ID. We are from ten days to fully two weeks back, with our crops owing to our wet weather, but that don't say they won't be as much made as was last year. While we are backward, there are more fertilizers used than where last year, and more acreage our country is in a better condition to make a crop, and I expect the West generally that way at the same time. I am only one neighborhood. Please let me hear from you more fully on the matter, hoping to hear from you soon, I remain. truly, I will act according to your counsel.

A Georgia merchant received a short time since the following order from a customer. Mr. B., please send me $1 worth of coffee and $1 worth of sugar, some small nails. My wife had a baby last night, also two padlocks, and a monkey wrench. Chapter 5. By the EFusive Professor Huxley is credited with the assertion that the primrose is, quote, a coral of floral, decotyledonous exogen, with a monopetolus corolla, and a central placenta, end quote. A reporter with a large imagination writing about the decoration of a church at a fashionable wedding in the city

said that, quote, the church was ensconced in flowers, end quote. A scientific writer defines sneezing as, quote, A phenomenon provoked either by an excitation brought to bear on the nasal membrane or by a sudden shock of the sun's rays on the membranes of the eye. This peripheral irritation is transmitted by the trifacial nerve to the Gassarian ganglion, whence it passes by a commissure to an agglomeration of globules in the mandula oblongata or in the protuberance. From this point, by a series of numerous reflex and complicated acts,

it is transformed by the mediation of the spinal cord into a centrifugal excitation which radiates outward by means of the spinal nerves to the expiratory muscles. End quote. The school committee in Massachusetts recommend exercises in English composition in these terms, quote, Next to the pleasure that pervades the corridors of the source, soul, when it is entranced by the wiling witchery that presides over it, consequent upon the

almost divine productions of Mozart, Hayden, and Handel, whether these are executed by magician concert parts in deep and highly matured melody from artistic modulated intonations of the finely cultured human voice, or played by some fairy-fingered musician upon the trembling strings of the harp or piano, comes the charming delight we experience from the mastery of English, prose, and the spell-binding wizards of song, who by their art of divination through their magic wand, the pen, have transformed scenes hitherto unknown, and made them as immortal as those spots of the Orient and mountain hunts of the gods, whether of sunny Italy or of tuneful heroic Greece, end quote. A farmer's daughter expresses herself in the following terms.

Dear Miss, the energy of the race prompts me to assure you that my request is forbidden, the idea of which I awkwardly nourished, notwithstanding my propensity to reserve. Mr. T. will be there. Let me with confidence assure you that him and brothers will be very happy to meet you and brothers. Us girls cannot go for reasons. The attention of cows claims our assistance this evening. Unalterably yours. the following is probably the longest sentence ever written containing as it does eight hundred words i propose then to give your readers some description of this old yet still strange and wild country

that has been settled for three hundred years and is not yet inhabited a land of shifting sand and deep mud a land of noble rivers that rise in swamps and consist merely of chains of shallow lakes some of them 20 miles long and two miles across, and only 12 feet deep, of wide, sandy plains, covered with solemn sounding pines, of spots so barren that nothing can be made to grow upon them, and yet with a soil so fertile that if you tickle it with a hoe, it will laugh out an abundant harvest of sugar, cotton, and fruit, a land of oranges, lemons, pomegranates, pineapples, figs, and bananas, whose rivers teem with fish, its forests with game, and its very air with fowl, where everything will grow except apples and wheat, where everything can be found except ice. Yet where the people, with a productive soil, a mild climate and beautiful nature,

affording every table luxury, live on corn grist, sweet potatoes and molasses, where men possessing 40,000 head of cattle never saw a glass of milk in their lives, using the imported article when used at all, and then calling it consecrated milk, where the very effort to milk a cow would probably scare her to death, as well as frighten a whole neighborhood by the unheard of phenomenon, where cabbages grow on the tops of trees, and you may dig bread out of the ground, where below the frost line the caster oil plant becomes a large, large tree of several years growth, and a pumpkin or bean vine will take root from its trailing

branches, and thus spread and live year after year, where cattle do not know what hay is, and refuse it when offered, so that the purchase of a yoke of oxen is not considered valid if the animals will not eat in a stable, and where in the mild winter, when the land grass is dried up, horses and cattle may be seen waiting and swimming in the ponds and streams, their heads under water grasses and moss, where many lakes have holes in the bottom and underground communication, so that they will sometimes shrink away to a mere cupful, leaving many square miles of surface uncovered, and then again fill up from below and spread out over their former area, where some of them have outlets in the ocean far from shore, bursting

up a perpetual spring of fresh water in the very midst of the briny saltness of the sea, where in times of low water during a long exhaustive dry season men have gone underground in one of these subterranean rivers from lake to lake a distance of eight miles where the ground will sometimes sink and the cavity fill with water until tall trees that had stood and sunk upright will have their topmost branches deeply covered where rivers will disappear in the earth and rise again thus forming natural bridges some of them a mile in breadth, where instead of spring, summer, autumn, and winter, there are two seasons only, eight months summer, and four months warm weather, where the winter is the dry season, and the summer almost a daily rain, where, in order to take a walk, you first wade through a light sand, ankle deep, and then get into a mud puddle, and some of these mud puddles cover a whole county, where no clay is found fit for brick-making, and people build houses without chimneys,

where to make a living is so easy a task that everyone possesses the laziness of ten ordinary men, everyone you wish to employ in labor says he is tired, and would seem to have been born so, where ague would prevail if the people would take the trouble to shake, where a large orange tree will bear several thousand oranges, leaves, buds, blossom, half-grown and full-grown fruit all at once, and every twenty-five feet square of sand will sustain such a tree, where in many parts cold weather is an impossibility and perpetual verdure rains, where the everglades are found, covering many large counties with water from one to six feet deep, with a bottom mud-covered, yet underneath solid and firm, from which grasses grow

up to the surface, a sea of green and with islands large and small scattered over the surface, covered with live oaks and dense vegetation, where alligators, or gaiters, as they are called in Florida parlance, possess undoubted Aboriginal rights of citizenship, and mosquitoes pay constant visits and are instructive and even penetrating in their attention to strangers. An Irish paper contained this account of Mrs. Siddens' appearance. On Sunday, Mrs. Siddens, about whom all the world has been talking, exposed her beautiful, adamantine, soft and lovely person for the first time at Smock Alley Theatre in the bewitching, melting,

and all-tearful character of Isabella. From the repeated panegyrics of the Impartial London newspapers, we were taught to expect the sight of a heavenly angel, but how were we supernaturally surprised into almost awful joy at beholding a mortal goddess? The house was crowded with hundreds more than it could hold, with thousands of admiring spectators who went away without a sight. This extraordinary phenomenon of tragic excellence,

this star of melpominy, this comet of the stage, this sun of the firmament of the muret, This moon of blank verse, this queen and princess of tears, this Donelan of the poisoned dagger, this empress of pistol and dagger, this chaos of Shakespeare, this world of weeping clouds, this Juno commanding aspects, this terpsichery of the curtains and scenes, this proserpine of fire and excitement, this caterfelto of wonders, exceeding, expectation went beyond belief and sort above all the natural powers of description she

was nature itself she was the most exquisite work of art she was the very daisy primrose tube rose sweetbriar furs blossom gilliflower wallflower cauliflower cauliflower oricula and rosemary in short she was the bouquet of parnassus when expectations were so high it was thought she would be injured by her appearance, but it was the audience who were injured. Several fainted before the curtain drew up. When she came to the scene of parting with her wedding ring, ah, what a sight was there. The very fiddlers in the orchestra, albeit unused to melting mood, blubbered like hungry children crying for their bread and butter. And when the bell rang for music

between the acts, the tears ran from the bassoon player's eyes in such plentiful showers that they choked the finger stops, and making a spout of the instrument poured in such torrents on the first fiddler's book that not seeing the overture was in two sharps, the leader of the band played it in one flat. But the sobs and sighs of the groaning audience and the noise of corks drawn from smelling bottles prevented the mistakes between sharps and flats being heard. One hundred and nine ladies fainted, forty-six went into fits, and and ninety-five had strong hysterics. The world will scarcely credit the truth when they are told that fourteen children, five old men, one hundred tailors, and six common councilmen were

actually drowned in the inundation of tears that flowed from the galleries, the slips, and the boxes to increase the briny pond in the pit. The water was three feet deep. An act of Parliament will certainly be passed against her playing any more. Few poems have been more generally admired or paraphrased in the various tongues of earth than that commencing with the lines, Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, this lamb was sure to go. The story is current at the National Capitol that Mr. Evarts,

when Secretary of State, on one occasion in a jocular crowd of his friends, friends, was desired to condense into prose these immortal verses. Urgently solicited, Mr. Evarts yielded and wrote as follows. Mary, a female, judged to be of the race of man, whose family name is unknown, whether of native or foreign birth, of lofty or lowly lineage, and whose appearance, manners, and mental cultivation are involved in the most profound mystery, which probably will never be fully ascertained unless through, the most profound researches of an historian admirably trained in his profession, who shall

devote the ablest efforts of his life to the investigation of the subject, uninfluenced by either passion or prejudice, and having only in view the sacred truth, at the same time being utterly regardless of the plaudits or censures of the world. We are informed by one who, it has been stated, at one time, while living in that part of the United States of America known as Massachusetts, whose fishermen have frequently been involved in difficulties with the authorities of her majesty, Queen Victoria, Queen of Great Britain, and Empress of the Indies, whose domains extended over a large share of the habitable globe, thereby endangering the peace which should so happily exist between nations of the same blood and language, had an infant

sheep, of which there are many millions of various stocks and qualities now in our country, constantly adding wealth and prosperity to our republic, and enabling us to be entirely independent of all other nations for our supply of wool, now ample for the use of factories already busily employed, and for those which ere long will be constructed in all parts of our land, working both by water and steam power, and in whatever direction the said Mary traveled, this animal whose fleece was snow-white, even as the lofty mountain regions in the silent solitudes of eternal winter,

as the ethereal vapors which oft float over an autumnal sky, darkly, deeply, beautifully blue, or as the lacteal fluid covered with masses of delicate froth found in the buckets of the rosy dairy-made, whether meandering through the meadows in midsummer, gathering the luscious strawberry, strolling in the woodland paths in search of wild flowers, visiting the church with her uncles, cousins, and aunts, to listen to the inspired words which come from the lips of the minister of the sanctuary, or when retiring to her blissful couch to seek rest and enjoy sweet repose after the cares and labors of the day, in fact, everywhere that Mary went, this youthful sheep, influenced doubtless by that affection which is oft so conspicuously manifested by the lower end. animals in their association with human beings was ever observed to accompany her. End of chapters 4 and 5. Recording by Trisha G. Chapter 6 and 7 of English as she is wrote by Anonymous. This Librevox recording is in the public domain.

Chapter 6. How She Can Be Oddly Wrote. The following amusing rhyme, clipped from an old paper, shows to advantage some of the peculiarities of the English language. Sally Salter. Sally Salter, she was a young teacher that taught, and her friend Charlie Church was a preacher who pratt, though his friends all declared him a screecher who scrot. His heart, when he saw her, kept sinking and sunk,

and his eyes meeting hers kept winking and wonk, while she in her turn felt to thinking and thunk. he hastened to woo her and sweetly he wooed for his love for her grew to a mountain it grewed and what he was longing to do then he doed in secret he wanted to speak and he spoke to seek with his lips what his heart had long soak so he managed to let the truth leak and it loke he asked her to ride to the church and they rode they so sweetly did glide that they both thought they glowed and they came to the place to be tied and were towed then homeward he said let us drive and they drove as soon as they wished to to arrive they arose for whatever he couldn't contrive she controve the kiss he was dying to steal then he stole at the feet where he wanted to kneel there he knoll and he said i feel better than ever i fall so they two each other kept clinging and clung while time his swift circuit was winging and wung and this was the thing he was bringing and brung and this was the thing he was bringing and brung the man sally wanted to catch and had caught that she wanted from others to snatch and had snot was the one that she now liked to scratch and she scrot

and charlie's warm love began freezing and froze while he took to teasing and cruelly toes the girl he had wished to be squeezing and squoes wretch he cried when she threatened to leave him and left how could you deceive me as you have deceft and she answered i promised to cleave and i've cleft Plodding changes. Some of our plotting readers may like to peruse the following curious variations of the well-known line from Gray's elegy. The ploughman homeward plods his weary way. The weary ploughman homeward plods his way. The weary ploughman plods his homeward way. The homeward ploughman plods his weary way. The homeward ploughman, weary, plods his way. The homeward ploughman, weary, plods his way. The homeward, weary, plods his way. The homeward, weary, plods his way. The homeward, weary, ploughman plods his way. The weary, homeward ploughman plods his way. Homeward the weary ploughman plods his way. Homeward, weary, the plowman plods his way. Homeward the ploughman plods his weary way.

Homeward the ploughman, weary plods his way. Weary, the homeward ploughman plods his way. Weary, homeward the plowman plods his way. Weary, the ploughman plods his homeward way. The ploughman plods his homeward, weary way. The ploughman plods his weary homeward way. The ploughman homeward, weary plods his way. The ploughman weary homeward plods his way.

The ploughman weary plods his homeward way. My Madeline, my Madeline, mark my melodious midnight moans, much may my melting music mean my modulated monotones, my mandolin's mild minstrelsy, my mental music magazine, my mouth, my mind, my memory, must mingling murmur, Madeline, muster mid-midnight masquerades, Mark Moorish maidens, matrons mean, amongst Mercia's most majestic maids,

Match me my matchless Madeline. Mankind's malevolence may make much, melancholy music mine. Many my motives may mistake, my modest merits much malign. My Madeline's most mirthful mood much mollifies my mind's machine. My mournfulness's magnitude, melts, makes me marry Madeline. Match-making ma's may machinate, maneuvering misses me miss ween, mere money may make many mate. My magic motto's Madeline. Melt, most melifluous melody, midst Mircia's misty Mounts Marine, meet me by moonlight, marry me, Madonna Mia, Madeline. It is well known that the letter E is used more than any other letter in the English alphabet. Each of the

following verses contains every letter of the alphabet except the letter E. A jovial swain should not complain of any buxom fare who mocks his pain and thinks it gain to quiz his awkward air. Quixotic boys who look for joys, quixotic hazards run, alas a noise with trivial toys, opposing man for fun. A jovial swain may rack his brain and tax his fancies might, to quiz is vain, for tis most plain, that what I say is right. Here is the result of a rhyming punster's efforts. A pretty deer is dear to me, a hare with downy hair, a heart I love with all my heart, but barely bear a bear.

Tis plain that no one takes a plane to pair of pairs, although a rake may take a rake to tear away the tears. Souls raise, raise time, time raises all, and through the whole holes wears a scribe in writing right may write to write and still be wrong for right and right and right are neither right and don't to right belong robertson is not robert's son nor did he rob bert's son yet robert's son is robin's son and everybody's son beer often brings a beer to man coughing a coffin brings and too much ale will make us ale as well as other things. The person lies who says he lies when he is not reclining, and when consumptive folks decline, they all decline declining. Quails do not quail before a storm, a bow will bow before it. We cannot reign the rain at all, no earthly power

reigns o'er it. The dyer dies a while, then dies. To die he's always trying, until a Upon his dying bed, he thinks no more of dying. A son of Mars, mars many a son, All days must have their days, And every night should pray each night to him who weighs his ways. Tis meat that man should meet out meat, To feed one's fortune's son, The fair should fare on love alone, else one cannot be one. Alas, alas is sometimes false, Of false, a maid is made her waist is but a barren waste though stayed she is not stayed the springs shoot forth each spring and shoots shoot forward one and all though summer kills the flowers it leaves the leaves to fall in fall

i would a story here commence but you might think it's stale so we'll suppose that we have reached the tail end of our tale and here is a zoological romance but you might think it's stale so we'll suppose that we have reached the tail end of our tale and here is a zoological romance by C.F. Adams, inspired by an unusual flow of animal spirits. No sweeter girl you ever knew than Betty Martin's daughter Sue, with sable hair, small taper waist, and lips you'd gopher miles to taste. Bright, lambent eyes, like the gazelle, sheep pertly brought to bear so well, ape pretty lass it was avowed, of whom her marmot to be proud. Dear girl, I loved her as my life, and vowed to heifer for my wife. Alas, a sailor on the sly had cast on her his weather eye. He said my love for her was Bosch, and my affection I missquash. He'd dog her footsteps everywhere, and eat her in the easy chair. He'd set her around, this sailor chap, and point her out upon the map, where once a pirate crew, cruiser bore him captive to a foreign shore. A cruel captain far out did the yaks and crimes of Robert

Kidd. He oft would wail jack with the cat and say, My buck, do you like that? What makes you stag around so, say? The cat amounts to something, eh? Then he would seal it with an oath and say, you are a lazy sloth i'll starve you down my sailor fine until for beef and porcupine and fairly hoarse with fiendish laughter would say henceforth mind what giraffter in short the many risks he ran might well a llama braver man when he was wrecked in castor shore while feebly clinging to an o'aw hyena cleft among the rocks He crept sans shoes and minus ox, And when he fain would go to bed, He had to lie in leaves instead. Then Sue would say, with troubled face,

How could you live in such a place? And straight away into tears would melt, And say, How badger must have felt! While he, the brute, would chuck her chin, And say, Aye, aye, my lass, and grin. Excuse these steers, its over-nance, now, there's not like grief the heart can cow. Jack asked her to be his and she, she gave

jackal and jilted me. And now, alas, the little minks is bound to him with Hyman's lynx." Detroit Free Press. While upon the subject of puns, we might quote the following clipped from the graphic. On being consulted about it, Spikes says that Uncle Sam anticipates the transfer of the Indian Bureau to some mother department, and if this should father improve the condition of the children of the forest in sundry ways, by cousin them to be more comfortable, it would be a niece arrangement and daughter be made, end quote. We are inclined in nephew instances to agree with the grandma, but not the spelling.

The graphic is also responsible for the following English stanza, transformed into Russian, said to have been found in a room after it had been vacated by Alexis while in this country. It is introduced as an example of how she can be oddly wrote. O what a joletime I've add, since he took a leave of me old dad. O what a merry-cove I've been. I've spent a naful pylavtin. Damn sorry, tolevami now, but landed Goshen Jingo vau. The Turkishwar must have a stop.

Go tell Grapetov to pop. The following clever paraphrase of the old rhythmic story of Jack's house is a good illustration of the scope and flexibility of our language, and suggests the fact that tautological errors of writing need seldom be committed. Behold the mansion reared by Dadele Jack. See the malt stored in many a plethoric sack, in the proud cirque of Ivan's Beuvac.

Mark how the rat's felonious fangs invade the golden stores in John's pavilion laid. Anon, with velvet foot and tarquin strides, subtle Grimelkin to his quarry glides, Grimelkin grim that slew the fierce rodent, whose tooth insidious johan's sackcloth rent lo now the deep-mouthed canine foes assault that vexed the avenger of the stolen malt stored in the hallowed precincts of that hall that rose complete at jack's creative call here stalks the impetuous cow with crumpled horn whereon the exacerbating hound was torn who bade the feline slaughter-beast that slew the rat predacious whose keen fangs ran through the textile fibres that involved the grain that lie in hands in violet domain here walks forlorn the damsel crowned with rue

lactiferous spoils from vaxine dugs who drew of that corniculate beast whose tortuous horn tossed to the clouds in fierce vindictive scorn the harrowing hound whose braggart bark and stir arched the lithe spine and reared the indignant fur of pusses that with verminicidal claw struck the weird rat in whose insatiate ma lay reeking malt that erston ivan's courts we saw robed in senescent garb that seems in sooth too long a prey to crono's iron tooth behold the man whose amorous lips incline full with young eros's osculative sign to the lorn maiden whose lacked albic hands drew albu-lactic wealth from lacteal glands of that immortal bovine by whose horn distort to realm ethereal was born the beast catullian vexer of that sly ulysses quadrupedal who made die the old mordacious rat that dared devour antedadaneous ale in john's domestic bower lo here with hearsuit honors doft succinct of saponaceous locks the priest who linked in hymen's golden bands the torn on thrift whose means exiguous stared from many a rift even as he kissed the virgin all forlorn who milked the cow with implicated horn who in fine wrath the canine torturer skied that dared to vex the insidious muricide who let the auroral affluence through the pelt of the sly rat that robbed the palace jack had built the loud cantankerous shanghai comes at last whose shouts aroused the shorn ecclesiast who sealed the vows of Hyman's sacrament, to him who robed in garments indigent, exosocates the damsel

lachromos, the emulgator of that horned brute morose, that tossed the dog that worried the cat, that killed the rat that ate the malt that lay in the house that Jack built. Chapter 7. By the Untutored Care should be taken in writing for the young, or they may get a wholly different meaning from the language than that intended. The bishop of Hereford was examining a school class one day, and among other things, asked what an average was. Several boys pleaded ignorance, but one at last replied, It is what a hen lays on. This answer puzzled the bishop not a little, but the boy persisted in it, stating that he had read it in his little book of facts. He was then told to

bring the little book, and in doing so, he pointed trying to try and, triumphantly to a paragraph commencing the domestic hen lays on an average fifty eggs each year if english is wrote as she is often spoke by the ignorant and careless she would bear little resemblance to the original queen's english a listener wrote out a short conversation heard the other day between two pupils of a high school and here is the phonetic result where'd your go last night had her skate d'er find thys hard and good yes hard nuff d'r go er lone no bill and joe winter long how late dur stay past eight let me know when yer go again won't yer i want ter go and show yer how ter skate hmm if i couldn't skate better n you i'd sell out and quit well we'll try your ink and see if you can here as they took different streets their conversation ceased a writer in the schoolboy magazine has gathered together the following dictionary words as defined by certain small people bed time shut eye time dust mud with the juice squeezed out fan a thing to brush warm off with fins a fish's wings ice water that stayed out in the cold and went to sleep monkey a very small boy with a tail nest egg the egg that the old hen measures by to make new ones pig a hog's little boy salt what makes your potato taste bad when you don't put any on

snoring letting off sleep stars the moon's eggs wakefulness eyes all the time coming unbuttoned the following specimens from scholars examinations in making sentences to illustrate the definitions of words found in their small dictionaries will have a familiar sound to some of our readers frantic wild i picked a bouquet of frantic of frantic i picked a bouquet of france frantic flowers. Retorted, returned. We retorted home at six o'clock. Summined, called. I summoned to see Mary last week. Athletic, strong. The vinegar was too athletic to be used. Poignant, sharp. My knife is very poignant. Ordinances, rules. We learned the ordinances for finding the greatest common divisor. Turbid, muddy. The road was so turbid that we stuck fast in the mud. Tandum. One behind another. The scholars sit tandem in school. A kimbo with a crook. I saw a dog with an akimbo in his tail.

Atonement. Satisfaction. There is no atonement in boat riding in a cold day. Composure, calmness. The composure of the the day was remarkable. We have the authority of the late Dr. Hart as to the genuineness of the following extracts taken from the papers of a class seeking admission into a high school, to which had been given a list of words for their meanings and applications. Fabulous. Full of threads. Silk is fabulous. Excession. The act of eating a great deal. John got very sick after dinner by accession. Atonement, a small insect.

Queen Mab was pulled by atonements. Develop, to swallow up. God sent a whale to develop Jonah. Circumference. Distance through the middle. Distance around the middle of the outside. Mobility, belonging to the people. The mobility of St. Louis has greatly increased. Adequate.

A land and land. An elephant is inadequate. Gregarious, pertaining to idols. The Sandwich Islanders are gregarious. Fluctuation. Coming in great numbers. There was a great fluctuation of immigrants. Alternate.

Not turn it. Intrinsic, not intrinsic, weak, feeble. He was a very intrinsic old man. subservient one opposed to the upholding of servants end of chapters six and seven end of english as she is wrote by anonymous