Classic Audiobook Collection - Gentlemen Prefer Blondes by Anita Loos ~ Full Audiobook [comedy]

Episode Date: June 28, 2023

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes by Anita Loos audiobook. Genre: comedy A witty, sparkling satire of money, romance, and American ambition, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes follows Lorelei Lee, a charming young woman with a sharp eye for diamonds and an even sharper sense of how the world works. Told through Lorelei's breezy diary entries, the story tracks her whirlwind travels from New York to Europe alongside her best friend, Dorothy Shaw, whose independent streak and quick tongue make her both Lorelei's partner in mischief and her occasional reality check. As Lorelei courts wealthy admirers and navigates high society parties, hotels, and theater scenes, she pursues what she calls a sensible goal: securing a comfortable future through a rich marriage. But the path is crowded with suspicious relatives, jealous rivals, moralizing authority figures, and men who think they can control the terms of romance. With every new encounter, Lorelei must balance charm, calculation, and self-preservation while keeping her own narrative firmly in hand. By turns hilarious and cutting, the novel skewers class pretensions, gender expectations, and the transactional side of love, all while celebrating the sheer audacity of a heroine determined to write her own rules. For ad-free listening try our premium subscription Chapters (Approximate) (00:00:00) Chapter 01 (00:29:11) Chapter 02 (00:51:54) Chapter 03 (01:20:27) Chapter 04 (01:43:29) Chapter 05 (01:59:57) Chapter 06 (02:22:13) Chapter 07 (02:45:12) Chapter 08 (03:10:33) Chapter 09 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Gentlemen Prefer Blonds by Anita Luz. Chapter 1. Gentlemen Prefer Blonds March 16th. A gentleman friend and I were dining at the Ritz last evening, and he said that if I took a pencil and a paper and put down all of my thoughts, it would make a book. This almost made me smile, as what it would really make would be a whole row of encyclopedias. mean, I seem to be thinking practically all of the time. I mean, it is my favorite recreation, and sometimes I sit for hours and do not seem to do anything else but think. So this gentleman said a girl with brains ought to do something else with them besides think. And he said he ought to know brains when he sees them, because he is in the Senate,

and he spends quite a great deal of time in Washington, D.C., and when he comes into college, with brains, he always notices it. So it might have all blown over, but this morning he sent me a book. And so, when my maid brought it to me, I said to her, well, Lulu, here is another book, and we have not read half the ones we have got yet. But when I opened it and saw that it was all a blank, I remembered what my gentleman acquaintance said, and so then I realized that it was a diary. So here I am, writing a book instead of reading one. But now it is the 16th of March, and of course it is too late to begin with January. But it does not matter, as my gentleman friend, Mr. Isman, was in town practically all of

January and February, and when he is in town, one day seems to be practically the same as the next day. I mean Mr. Isman is in the wholesale button profession in Chicago, and he is the gentleman who is known practically all over Chicago as Gus Isman, the Button King, and he is the gentleman who is interested in educating me. So, of course, he is always coming down to New York to see how my brains have improved since the last time. But when Mr. Isman is in New York, we always seem to do the same thing, and if I wrote down one day in my diary, all I would have to do would be to put quotation marks for all the other days. I mean, we always seem to have dinner at the colony and see a show, and go to the trocadero, and then Mr. Isman shows me to my apartment. So, of course, when a gentleman is interested in educating a girl, he likes to stay and talk about the topics of the day until quite late, so I am quite fatigued the next day, and I do not really get up until it is time to dress for dinner at the colony. It would be strange if I turn out to be an authoress.

I mean at my home near Little Rock, Arkansas, my family all wanted me to do something about my music, because all my friends said I had talent, and they all kept after me and kept after me about practicing. But some way, I never seemed to care so much about practicing. I mean, I simply could not sit for hours and hours at a time practicing just for the sake of a career. So one day I got quite temperamental and threw the old mandolin clear across the room, and I have really never touched it since. But writing is different, because you do not have to learn or practice, and it is more temperamental because practicing seems to take all the temperament out of,

of me. So now I really almost have to smile, because I have just noticed that I have written clear across two pages onto March 18th, so this will do for today and tomorrow. And it just shows how temperamental I am when I get started. March 19th. Well, last evening Dorothy called up, and Dorothy said she has met a gentleman who gave himself an introduction to her in the lobby of the Ritz. So then they went to luncheon and tea and dinner, and then they went to a show, and then they went to the trocadero. So Dorothy said his name was Lord Cooksley, but what she really calls him is Cuckoo. So Dorothy said, Why don't you and I and Cuckoo go to the Follies tonight and bring Gus along if he is in town? So then Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel, because every time that

Dorothy mentions the subject of Mr. Isman, she calls Mr. Isman by his first name, and she does not seem to realize that when a gentleman, who is as important as Mr. Isman, spends quite a lot of money educating a girl, it really does not show reference to call a gentleman by his first name. I mean, I never even think of calling Mr. Isman by his first name, but if I want to call him anything at all. I call him Daddy, and I do not even call him Daddy if a place seems to be public.

So I told Dorothy that Mr. Isman would not be in town until day after tomorrow. So then Dorothy and Kuku came up and we went to the follies. So this morning Kuku called up and he wanted me to luncheon at the Ritz.

I mean these foreigners really have quite a nerve. Just because Kuku is an English and a lord, he thinks a girl can waste hours on him just for a luncheon at the Ritz, when all he does is talk about some exposition he went on to a place called Tibet, and after talking for hours, I found out that all they were was a lot of Chinamen. So I will be quite glad to see Mr. Isman when he gets in, because he always has something quite interesting to talk about. As for instance, The last time he was here, he presented me with quite a beautiful emerald bracelet.

So next week is my birthday, and he always has some delightful surprise on holidays. I did intend to luncheon at the ritz with Dorothy today, and of course Cuckoo had to spoil it, as I told him that I could not luncheon with him today because my brother was in town on business and had the mumps, so I really could not leave him alone. because of course if I went to the Ritz now I would bump into Kuku. But I sometimes almost have to smile at my own imagination, because of course I have not got any brother, and I have not even thought of the mumps for years.

I mean it is no wonder that I can write. So the reason I thought I would take luncheon at the Ritz was because Mr. Chaplin is at the Ritz, and I always like to renew old acquaintances, because I met Mr. Chaplin once when we were both working on the same lot in Hollywood, and I am sure he would remember me. Gentlemen always seemed to remember blondes. I mean, the only career I would like to be besides an authores is a cinema star,

and I was doing quite well in the cinema when Mr. Isman made me give it all up. Because, of course, when a gentleman takes a friendly interest in educating a girl, as Mr. Isman does, you like to show you. that you appreciate it, and he is against a girl being in the cinema because his mother is orthodox. March 20th Mr. Isman gets in tomorrow to be here in time for my birthday. So I thought it would really be delightful to have at least one good time before Mr. Isman got in. So last evening, I had some

literary gentlemen in to spend the evening, because Mr. Isman always likes me to have literary people in and out of the apartment. I mean, he is quite anxious for a girl to improve her mind, and his greatest interest in me is because I always seem to want to improve my mind and not waste any time. And Mr. Eisman likes me to have what the French people call, A Salo, which means the people all get together in the evening and improve their minds. So I invited all of the brainy gentlemen I could think up. So I thought up a gentleman who is the professor of all the economics up at Columbia College, and the editor who is the famous editor of the New York transcript, and another gentleman who is the famous playwright who writes very, very famous plays that are all about life. I mean, anybody would

recognize his name, but it always seems to slip my memory, because all of we real friends of his only call him Sam. So Sam asked if he could bring a gentleman who writes novels from England, so I said yes, so he brought him. And then we all got together, and I called up Gloria and Dorothy, and the gentleman brought their own liquor. So of course the place was a wreck this morning, and Lulu and I worked like proverbial dogs to get it cleaned up. But heaven knows how long it will take to get the chandelier fixed. March 22nd. Well, my birthday has come and gone, but it was really quite depressing.

I mean, it seems to me a gentleman who has a friendly interest in educating a girl like Gus Eisman would want her to have the biggest square-cut diamond in New York. I mean, I must say, I was quite disappointed when he came to the apartment with a little thing you could hardly see. So I told him I thought it was quite cute. But I had quite a headache, and I had better stay in a dark room all day, and I told him I would see him the next day, perhaps. Because even Lulu thought it was quite small, and she said, if she was I, she really would do something definite, and she said she always believed in the old

adage, leave them while you're good looking. But he came in at dinner time with really a very, very beautiful bracelet of square-cut diamonds, so I was quite cheered up. So then we had dinner at the colony, and we went to a show and supper at the Trocadero, as usual, whenever he is in town. But I will give him credit that he realized how small it was. I mean, he kept talking about how bad business was, and the button profession was full of Bolsheviks, who made nothing but trouble. because Mr. Isman feels that the country is really on the verge of the Bolsheviks, and I become quite worried. I mean, if the Bolsheviks do get in, there is only one gentleman who could handle them, and that is Mr. D.W. Griffith. Because I will never forget when Mr. Griffith was directing intolerance.

I mean, it was my last cinema just before Mr. Isman made me give up my career, and I was playing one of the girls that fainted at the battle when all. all of the gentlemen fell off the tower. And when I saw how Mr. Griffith handled all of those mobs and intolerance, I realized that he could do anything. And I really think that the government of America ought to tell Mr. Griffith to get all ready if the Bolsheviks start to do it. Well, I forgot to mention that the English gentleman who writes novels seems to have taken quite an interest in me as soon as he found out that I was literary. I mean, he has called up every day, and I went to tea twice with him. So he has sent me a whole complete set of books for my birthday by a gentleman called Mr. Conrad. They all seem to be about ocean travel, although I have not

had time to more than glance through them. I have always liked novels about ocean travel ever since I posed for Mr. Christie for the front cover of a novel about ocean travel by McGrath, because I always say that a girl never really looks as well as she does on board a steamship or even a yacht. So the English gentleman's name is Mr. Gerald Lamson, as those who have read his novels would know. And he also sent me some of his own novels, as they seem to be about, middle-aged English gentlemen who live in the country over in London, and seem to ride bicycles, which seems quite different from America, except at Palm Beach. So I told Mr. Lamson how I write down all of my thoughts, and he said he knew I had something to me from the first minute he saw me,

and when we become better acquainted, I am going to let him read my diary. I mean I even told Mr. Isman about him, and he is quite pleased. because, of course, Mr. Lampson is quite famous, and it seems Mr. Isman has read all of his novels going to and fro on the trains, and Mr. Isman is always anxious to meet famous people and take them to the Ritz to dinner on Saturday night. But of course, I did not tell Mr. Isman that I am really getting quite a little crush on Mr. Lamson, which I really believe I am, but Mr. Isman thinks my interest in him is more literary. March 30th. At last Mr. Isman has left on the 20th century, and I must say, I am quite fatigued, and a little rest will be quite welcome. I mean, I do not mind staying out late

every night if I dance, but Mr. Isman is really not such a good dancer, so most of the time we just sit and drink some champagne or have a bite to eat, and of course I do not dance with anyone else when I am out with Mr. Isman. But Mr. Isman and Jerry, as Mr. Lamson wants me to call him, became quite good friends, and we had several evenings, all three together. So now that Mr. Isman is out of town at last, Jerry and I are going out together this evening, and Jerry said not to dress up, because Jerry seems to like me more for my soul. So I really had to tell Jerry that if all the gentlemen were like he seems to be, Madame Francis's whole dressmaking establishment

would have to go out of business. But Jerry does not like a girl to be nothing else but a doll, but he likes her to bring in her husband's slippers every evening and make him forget what he has gone through. But before Mr. Eisman went to Chicago, he told me that he is going to Paris this summer on professional business, and I think he intends to present me with a trip to Paris as he says there is nothing so educational as traveling.

I mean, it did worlds of good to Dorothy when she went abroad last spring, and I never get tired of hearing her telling how the merry-go-rounds in Paris have pigs instead of horses. But I really do not know whether to be thrilled or not, because, of course, if I go to Paris, I will have to leave Jerry, and both Jerry and I have made up our minds not to be separated from one another, From now on. March 31st.

Last night, Jerry and I had dinner at quite a quaint place where we had roast beef and baked potato. I mean, he always wants me to have food, which is what he calls nourishing, which most gentlemen never seemed to think about. So then we took a handsome cab and drove for hours around the park, because Jerry said the air would be good for me. It is really very sweet to have some. think of all those things that gentlemen hardly ever seemed to think about. So then we talked quite a lot. I mean, Jerry knows how to draw a girl out, and I told him things that I really would not even put in my diary.

So when he heard all about my life, he became quite depressed, and we both had tears in our eyes, because he said he never dreamed a girl could go through so much as I, and come out so sweet and not made bitter by it all. I mean, Jerry thinks that most gentlemen are brutes, and hardly ever think about a girl's soul. So it seems that Jerry has quite a lot of trouble himself, and he cannot even get married on account of his wife. He and she have never been in love with each other,

but she was a suffragette and asked him to marry her, so what could he do? So we rode all around the park until quite late, talking and philosophizing quite a lot, and I finally told him that I thought, after all, that bird life was the highest form of civilization. So Jerry calls me his little thinker, and I really would not be surprised if all of my thoughts will give him quite a few ideas for his novels, because Jerry says he has never seen a girl of my personal appearance with so many brains, and he had almost given up looking for his ideal when our past,

seemed to cross each other, and I told him I really thought a thing like that was nearly always the result of fate. So Jerry says that I remind him quite a lot of Helen of Troy, who was of Greek extraction. But the only Greek I know is a Greek gentleman by the name of Mr. Jorgopoulos, who was really quite wealthy, and he is what Dorothy and I call a shopper, because you can always call him up at any hour and ask him to go shopping, and he is always quite delighted, which very few gentlemen seem to be, and he never seems to care how much anything costs. I mean, Mr. Georgopoulos is also quite cultured, as I know quite a few gentlemen who can speak to a waiter in French, but Mr. Georgopoulos can also speak to a waiter in Greek, which very few gentlemen seem to be able to do.

April 1st. I am taking special pains with my diary from now on as I am really writing it for Jerry. I mean he and I are going to read it together some evening in front of the fireplace. But Jerry leaves this evening for Boston, as he has to lecture about all of his works at Boston, but he will rush right back as soon as possible. So I'm going to spend all of my time in proving myself, while he is gone. And this afternoon, we are both going to a museum on Fifth Avenue, because Jerry wants to show me a very, very beautiful cup made by an antique jeweler called Mr. Chalini. And he wants me to read Mr. Chalini's life, which is a very, very fine book and not dull while he is in Boston. So the famous playwright friend of mine, who is called Sam, called up this morning, and he wanted me to go to a literary party tonight that he and some other literary gentlemen are giving to Florence Mills in Harlem. But Jerry does not want me to go with Sam, as Sam always insists on telling risque stories. But personally, I am quite broad-minded, and I always say that I do not mind a risque story as long as it is

really funny. I mean, I have a great sense of humor. But Jerry says Sam does not always select and choose his stories, and he just as soon as I did not go out with him. So I'm going to stay home and read the book by Mr. Chalini instead. Because after all, the only thing I am really interested in is improving my mind. So I'm going to do nothing else but improve my mind while Jerry is in Boston. I mean, I just received a cable from Willie Gwyn, who arrives from Europe tomorrow, but I am not even going to bother to see him. He is a sweet boy, but he never gets anywhere, and I am not going to waste my time on such as him after meeting a gentleman like Jerry. April 2nd. I seemed to be quite depressed this morning, as I always am when there is nothing to put my mind to,

because I decided not to read the book by Mr. Chalini. I mean it was quite amusing in spots because it was really quite risque, but the spots were not so close together, and I never seemed to like to always be hunting clear through a book for the spots I am looking for, especially when there are really not so many spots that seem to be so amusing after all. So I did not waste my time on it, but this morning I told Lulu to let all of the housework go and spend the day reading a book entitled Lord Jim, and then tell me all about it, so that I would improve my mind while Jerry is away. But when I got her the book, I nearly made a mistake and gave her a book by the title of The Nigger of Narcissus, which really would have hurt her feelings.

I mean, I do not know why authors cannot say Negro instead of nigger, as they have their feelings just the same as we have. Well, I just got a telegram from Jerry that he will not be back until tomorrow, and also some orchids from Willie Gwyn, so I may as well go to the theater with Willie tonight to keep from getting depressed, as he really is a sweet boy after all. I mean he never really does anything obnoxious, and it is quite depressing to stay at home and do nothing but read, unless you really have a book that is worth bothering about. April 3rd. I was really so depressed this morning that I was even glad to get a letter from Mr. Isman. Because last night, Willie Gwynn came to take me to the follies, but he was so intoxicated that I had to telephone his club to send around a taxi to take him home. So that left me alone with Lulu at 9 o'clock with nothing to do.

So I put in a telephone call for Boston to talk to Jerry, but it never went through. So Lulu tried to teach me how to play Majong, but I really could not keep my mind on it because I was so depressed. So today I think I had better go over to Madame Francis's and order some new evening gowns to cheer me up. Well, Lulu just brought me a telegram from Jerry that he will be in this afternoon, but I must not meet him at the station on account of all the reporters who always meet him at the station wherever he comes from. But he says he will come right up to see me as he has something to talk about. April 4th. What an evening we had last evening. I mean, it seems that Jerry is madly in love with me. Because all of the time he was in Boston lecturing to the women's clubs, he said, as he looked over the faces of all those club women in Boston,

he never realized I was so beautiful. and he said that there was only one in the world, and that was me. But it seems that Jerry thinks that Mr. Isman is terrible, and that no good can come of our friendship. I mean, I was quite surprised, as they both seemed to get along quite well together. But it seems that Jerry never wants me to see Mr. Isman again, and he wants me to give up everything and study French, and he will get a divorce, and we will be married.

because Jerry does not seem to like the kind of life all of us lead in New York, and he wants me to go home to Papa in Arkansas, and he will send me books to read so that I will not get lonesome there. And he gave me his uncle's Masonic ring, which came down from the time of Solomon, and which he never even lets his wife wear, for our engagement ring. And this afternoon, a lady friend of his is going to bring me a new system she thought up of how to learn French. But some way, I still seemed to be depressed. I mean, I could not sleep all night thinking of the terrible things Jerry said about New York and about Mr. Isman. Of course, I can understand Jerry being jealous of any gentleman friend of mine, and of course I never really thought that Mr. Isman was Rudolph Valentino,

but Jerry said it made him cringe to think of a sweet girl like I, having a friendship with Mr. Isman. So it really made me feel quite depressed. I mean, Jerry likes to talk quite a lot, and I always think a lot of talking is depressing, and worries your brains with things you never even think of when you are busy. But so long as Jerry does not mind me going out with other gentlemen when they have something to give you mentally, I am going to lunch in with Eddie Goldmark of the Goldmark films, who is always wanting me to sign a contract to go into the cinema. Because Mr. Goldmark is madly in love with Dorothy,

and Dorothy is always wanting me to go back to the cinema, because Dorothy says that she will go, if I will go. April 6th. Well, I finally wrote Mr. Isman that I was going to get married, and it seems that he is coming on at once as he would probably like to give me his advice. Getting married is really quite serious, and Jerry talks to me for hours and hours about it. I mean, he never seems to get tired of talking, and he does not seem to even want to go to shows or dance or do anything else but talk, and if I don't really have something definite to put my mind

on soon, I will scream. April 7th. Well, Mr. Eisman arrived this morning, and he and I had quite a long talk, and after all, I think he is right, because here is the first real opportunity I have ever really had. I mean to go to Paris and broaden out and improve my writing, and why should I give it up to marry an author, where he is the whole thing, and all I would be would be the wife of Gerald Lampson. And on top of that, I would have to be dragged into the scandal of a divorce court and get my name smirched. So Mr. Eisman said that opportunities come too seldom in a girl's life for me to give up the first one I have really ever had. So I am sailing for France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me, and Mr. Isman says that he will see us there later.

So Dorothy knows all of the ropes, and she can get her. along in Paris just as though she knew French. And besides, she knows a French gentleman who was born and raised there, who speaks it like a native, and knows Paris like a book. And Dorothy says that when we get to London, nearly everybody speaks English anyway. So it is quite lucky that Mr. Lamson is out lecturing in Cincinnati, and he will not be back until Wednesday. And I can send him a letter and tell him that I have to go to Europe now, but I will see him later, perhaps. So anyway, I will be spared listening to any more of his depressing conversation. So Mr. Eisman gave me quite a nice string of pearls, and he gave Dorothy a diamond pin, and we all went to the colony for dinner, and we all went to a show and supper at the

Trocadero, and we all spent quite a pleasant evening. End of Chapter 1. Chapter 2 of Gentlemen Prefer Blonds by Anita Luz. This Libravox recording is in the public domain. Read by Jen Broda. Chapter 2. Fate keeps on happening. April 11th. Well, Dorothy and I are really on the ship sailing to Europe, as anyone could tell by looking at the ocean. I always love the ocean.

I mean, I always love a ship, and I really love the material. because you would not know it was a ship because it was just like being at the Ritz. And the steward says the ocean is not so obnoxious this month as it generally is. So Mr. Eisman is going to meet us next month in Paris because he has to be there on business. I mean, he always says that there is really no place to see the latest styles in buttons like Paris. So Dorothy is out taking a walk up and down the deck with a gentleman she met on the steps. But I am not going to waste my time going around with gentlemen, because if I did nothing but go around, I would not finish my diary, or read good books, which I am always reading to improve my mind. But Dorothy really does not

care about her mind, and I always scold her because she does nothing but waste her time by going around with gentlemen who do not have anything, when Eddie Goldmark of the Goldmark films is really quite wealthy and can make a girl delightful presents. But she does nothing but waste her time, and yesterday, which was really the day before we sailed, she would not go to luncheon with Mr. Goldmark, but she went to luncheon to meet a gentleman called Mr. Menkin from Baltimore, who really only prints a green magazine which has not even got any pictures in it. But Mr. I's is always saying that every girl does not want to get ahead and get educated like me. So Mr. Isman and Lulu come down to the boat to see me off, and Lulu cried quite a lot.

I mean, I really believe she could not care any more for me if she was light and not colored. Lulu has had a very sad life, because when she was quite young, a Pullman porter fell madly in love with her. So she believed him, and he lured her away from her home to Ashtabula and deceived her there. So she finally found out that she had been deceived, and she really was broken-hearted. And when she tried to go back home, she found out that it was too late because her best girlfriend, who she had always trusted, had stolen her husband, and he would not take Lulu back. So I have always said to her she could always work for me, and she is going to take care of the apartment until I get back, because I would not sublet the apartment, because Dorothy sublet her apartment when she went to Europe last

year, and the gentleman who sublet the apartment allowed girls to pay calls on him who were not nice. Mr. Eisman has literally filled our room with flowers, and the steward has had quite a hard time to find enough vases to put them into. I mean, the steward said he knew as soon as he saw Dorothy, and I that he would have quite a heavy run on vases. And of course, Mr. Isman has sent quite a lot of good books, as he always does, because he always knows that good books are always welcome. So he has sent me quite a large book of etiquette, as he says there is quite a lot of etiquette in England and London, and it would be a good thing for a girl to learn. So I'm going to take it on the deck after luncheon and read it, because I would often like to know what a girl ought to do when a gentleman she has just

met says something to her in a taxi. Of course, I always become quite vexed, but I always believe in giving a gentleman another chance. So now the steward tells me it is luncheon time, so I will go upstairs as the gentleman Dorothy met on the steps has invited us to luncheon in the Ritz, which is a special dining room on the ship where you can spend quite a lot of money because they really give away the food in the other dining room. April 12th. I am going to stay in bed this morning as I am quite upset, as I saw a gentleman who quite upset me. I am not really sure it was the gentleman, as I saw him at quite a distance in the bar, but if it really is the gentleman, it shows that when a girl has a lot of fate in her life, it is sure to keep on happening.

So when I thought I saw this gentleman, I was with Dorothy and Major Falcon, who is the gentleman Dorothy met on the steps, and Major Falcon noticed that I became upset. So he wanted me to tell him what was the matter, but it was really so terrible that I would not want to tell anyone. So I said goodnight to Major Falcon, and as I left him with Dorothy, I went down to our room and did nothing but cry and send the steward for some champagne to cheer me up. I mean champagne always makes me feel philosophical, because it makes me realize that when a girl's life is as full of fate as mine seems to be, there is nothing else to do about it. So this morning, the steward brought me my coffee and quite a large pitcher of ice water, so I will stay in bed and not have any more champagne until luncheon time. Dorothy never has any fate in her life, and she does nothing but waste her time, and I really wonder if I did right to bring her with me. and not Lulu. I mean, she really gives gentlemen a bad impression as she talks quite a lot of slang. Because when I went up yesterday to meet she and Major Falcon for luncheon,

I overheard her say to Major Falcon that she really liked to become intoxicated once in a dirty while. Only she did not say intoxicated, but she really said a slang word that means intoxicated, and I am always having to tell her that dirty is a slang word, and she really should not say dirty. Major Falcon is really quite a delightful gentleman for an Englishman. I mean, he really spends quite a lot of money, and we had quite a delightful luncheon and dinner in the Ritz until I thought I saw the gentleman who upset me, and I am so upset. I think I will get dressed and go up on the deck and see if it really is the one I think it is. I mean there is nothing else for me to do, as I have finished writing in my diary for today, and I have decided not to read the book of etiquette as I glanced through it,

and it does not seem to have anything in it that I would care to know, because it wastes quite a lot of time telling you what to call a lord, and all the lords I have met have told me what to call them, and it is generally some quite cute name like Cuckoo, whose real name is really Lord Cuxley. so I will not waste my time on such a book, but I wish I did not feel so upset about the gentleman I think I saw. April 13th.

It really is the gentleman I thought I saw. I mean, when I found out it was the gentleman, my heart really stopped, because it all brought back things that anybody does not like to remember, no matter who they are. So yesterday, when I went up on the deck to see if I could see the gentleman and see if it really was him. I met quite a delightful gentleman whom I met once at a party called Mr. Ginsberg. Only his name is not Mr. Ginsburg anymore because a gentleman in London called

Mr. Battenberg, who was some relation to some king, changed his name to Mr. Mountbatten, which Mr. Ginsburg says really means the same thing after all. So Mr. Ginsburg changed his name to Mr. Mount Gintz, which he really thinks is more aristocratic. So we walked around the deck, and we met the gentleman face to face, and I really saw it was him, and he really saw it was me. I mean, his face became so red, it was almost a picture. So I was so upset, I said goodbye to Mr. Mount Gince, and I started to rush right down to my room and cry. But when I was going down the steps, I bumped right into Major Falcon, who noticed that I was upset. So Major Falcon made me go to the Ritz and have some champagne and tell him all about it. So then I told Major Falcon about the time in Arkansas

when Papa sent me to Little Rock to study how to become a stenographer. I mean Papa and I had quite a little quarrel, because Papa did not like a gentleman who used to pay calls on me in the park, and Papa thought it would do me good to get away for a while. So I'd have to be a while. I was in the business college in Little Rock for about a week when a gentleman called Mr. Jennings paid a call on the business college because he wanted to have a new stenographer. So he looked over all we college girls, and he picked me out. So he told our teacher that he would help me finish my course in his office because he was only a lawyer, and I really did not have to know so much. So Mr. Jennings helped me quite a lot,

and I stayed in his office about a year when I found out that he was not the kind of a gentleman that a young girl is safe with. I mean one evening, when I went to pay a call on him at his apartment, I found a girl there who really was famous all over Little Rock for not being nice. So when I found out that girls like that paid calls on Mr. Jennings, I had quite a bad case of hysterics, and my mind was really a blank, and when I came out of it, it seemed. that I had a revolver in my hand, and it seems that the revolver had shot Mr. Jennings. So this gentleman on the boat was really the district attorney who was at the trial, and he really was quite harsh at the trial, and he called me names that I would not even put in my diary, because everyone at the trial, except the district attorney, was really lovely to me,

and all the gentlemen in the jury all cried when my lawyer pointed at me and told them that they practically all had had either a mother or a sister. So the jury was only out three minutes, and then they came back and acquitted me, and they were all so lovely that I really had to kiss all of them, and when I kissed the judge, he had tears in his eyes, and he took me right home to his sister. I mean it was when Mr. Jennings became shot that I got the idea to go into the cinema, so Judge Hibbard got me a ticket to Hollywood. So it was Judge Hibbard who really gave me my name because he did not like the name I had because he said a girl ought to have a name that ought to express her personality. So he said my name ought to be Lorelei, which is the name

of a girl who became famous for sitting on a rock in Germany. So I was in Hollywood in the cinema when I met Mr. Isman, and he said that a girl with my brains ought not to be in the cinema, but she ought to be educated, so he took me out of the cinema so he could educate me. So Major Falcon was really quite interested in everything I talked about, because he said it was quite a coincidence because this district attorney, who is called Mr. Bartlett, is now working for the government of America, and he is on his way to a place called Vienna, on some business for Uncle Sam that is quite a great secret, and Mr. Falcon would like very much to know what the secret is, because the government in London sent him to America especially to find out what it was.

Only, of course, Mr. Bartlett does not know who Major Falcon is because it is such a great secret, but Major Falcon can tell me because he knows who he can trust. So Major Falcon says he thinks a girl like I ought to forgive and forget what Mr. Bartlett called me, and he wants to bring us together, and he says he thinks Mr. Bartlett would talk to me quite a lot when he really gets to know me and I forgive him for that time in Little Rock, because it would be quite romantic for Mr. Bartlett and I to become friendly, and gentlemen who work for Uncle Sam generally like to become romantic with girls. So he is going to bring us together on the deck after dinner tonight, and I'm going to forgive him and talk with him quite a lot, because why should a girl hold a grudge against a gentleman who had to do it? So Major Falcon brought me quite a large bottle of perfume, and quite a cute imitation of quite a large-sized dog and a little shy. which is on board the boat. I mean Major Falcon really knows how to cheer a girl up quite a lot, and so tonight I'm going to make it all up with Mr. Bartlett. April 14th. Well, Mr. Bartlett and I

made it all up last night, and we are going to be the best of friends and talk quite a lot. So when I went down to my room quite late, Major Falcon came down to see if I and Mr. Bartlett were really going to be friends, because he said a girl with brains like I ought to have lots to talk about with a gentleman with brains like Mr. Bartlett, who knows all of Uncle Sam's secrets. So I told Major Falcon how Mr. Bartlett thinks that he and I seem to be like a play, because all the time he was calling me all those names in Little Rock, he really thought I was. So when he found out that I turned out not to be, He said he always thought that I only used my brains against gentlemen and really had quite a cold heart. But now he thinks I ought to write a play about how he called me all those names in Little Rock,

and then, after seven years, we became friendly. So I told Major Falcon that I told Mr. Bartlett I would like to write the play, but I really did not have time, as it takes quite a lot of time to write my diary, and read good books. So Mr. Bartlett did not know that I read books, which is quite a coincidence, because he reads them too. So he is going to bring me a book of philosophy this afternoon called Smile, Smile, which all the brainy senators in Washington are reading, which cheers you up quite a lot. So I told Major Falcon that having a friendship with Mr. Bartlett was really quite innervating, because Mr. Bartlett does not drink anything, and the less anybody says about his day.

the better. But he did ask me to dine at his table, which is not in the Ritz, and I told him I could not, but Major Falcon told me I ought to, but I told Major Falcon that there was a limit to almost everything. So I am going to stay in my room until luncheon, and I am going to luncheon in the Ritz with Mr. Mount Gintz, who really knows how to treat a girl. Dorothy is up on the deck wasting quite a lot of time with the gentleman who is only a tennis champion. So I am going to ring for the steward and have some champagne, which is quite good for a person on a boat. The steward is really quite a nice boy, and he has had quite a sad life, and he likes to tell me all about himself. I mean, it seems that he was arrested in Flatbush, because he promised a gentleman that he would bring him some very, very good scotch,

and they mistook him for a bootlegor. So it seems they put him in prison, and they put him in a cell with two other gentlemen who were very, very famous burglars. I mean, they really had their pictures in all the newspapers, and everybody was talking about them. So my steward, whose real name is Fred, was very, very proud to be in the same cell with such famous burglars. So when they asked him what he was in for he did not like to tell them that he was only a bootlegor, so he told them that he set fire to a house and burned up quite a large family in Oklahoma. So everything would have gone all right, except that the police had put a dictaphone in the cell and used it all against him, and he could not get out until they had investigated all the fires in Oklahoma.

So I always think that it is much more educational to talk to a boy like Fred, who has been through a lot and really suffered than it is to talk to a gentleman like Mr. Bartlett. But I will have to talk to Mr. Bartlett all afternoon, as Major Falcon has made an appointment for me to spend the whole afternoon with him. April 15th. Last night there was quite a masquerade ball on the ship, which was really all for the sake of charity, because most of the sailors seemed to have orphans which they get from going on the ocean when the sea is very rough. So they took up quite a while. So they took up quite a lot of the sailors. a collection, and Mr. Bartlett made quite a long speech in favor of orphans, especially when their parents are sailors. Mr. Bartlett really likes to make speeches quite a lot. I mean, he even likes

to make speeches when he is all alone with a girl when they are walking up and down a deck. But the masquerade ball was quite cute, and one gentleman really looked almost like an imitation of Mr. Chaplin. Sidorothy and I really did not want to go to the ball, but Mr. Bartlett bought us two scarves at the little store, which is on the ship. So we tied them around our hips, and everyone said we made quite a cute Carmen. So Mr. Bartlett and Major Falcon and the tennis champion were the judges. So Dorothy and I won the prizes. I mean, I really hope I do not get any more large-size imitations of a dog, as I have three now, and I do not see why the captain does not ask Mr. Cartier to have a jewelry store on the ship, as it is really not much fun to go shopping on a ship with

gentlemen and buy nothing but imitations of dogs. So, after we won the prizes, I had an engagement to go up on the top of the deck with Mr. Bartlett, as it seems he likes to look at the moonlight quite a lot. So I told him to go up and wait for me, and I would be up later, as I promised a dance to Mr. Mount Gintz. So he asked me how long I would be dancing. till, but I told him to wait up there and he would find out. So Mr. Mount Gince and I had quite a delightful dance and champagne until Major Falcon found us, because he was looking for me, and he said I really should not keep Mr. Bartlett waiting. So I went up on the deck, and Mr. Bartlett was up there waiting for me, and it seems that he really is madly in love with me, because he did not sleep a wink

since we became friendly, because he never thought that I really had brains, but now that he knows it, it seems that he has been looking for a girl like me for years, and he said that really the place for me when he got back home was Washington, D.C., where he lives. So I told him I thought a thing like that was nearly always the result of fate. So he wanted me to get off the ship tomorrow at France and take the same trip that he was taking to Vienna, as it seems that Vienna is. is in France, and if you go to England, you go too far. But I told him that I could not, because I thought if he was really madly in love with me, he would take a trip to London instead. But he told me that he had serious business in Vienna. That was a very, very great secret.

But I told him I did not believe it was business, but that it really was some girl, because what business could be so important? So he said it was business for the United States government at Washington, and he could not tell anybody what it was. So then we looked at the moonlight quite a lot. So I told him I would go to Vienna if I really knew it was business and not some girl, because I could not see how business could be so important. So then he told me all about it. So it seems that Uncle Sam wants some new aeroplanes that everybody else seems to want, especially England, and Uncle Sam has quite a clever way to get them, which is too long to put in my diary. So we sat up and saw the sunrise, and I became quite stiff, and told him I would have to go down to

my room, because, after all, the ship lands at France today, and I said if I got off the boat at France to go to Vienna with him, I would have to pack up. So I went down to my room and went to bed. So then Dorothy came in, and she was up on deck with the tennis champion, but she did not notice the sunrise, as she really does not love nature, but always wastes her time and ruins her clothes, even though I always tell her not to drink champagne out of a bottle on the deck of a ship as it lurches quite a lot. So I am going to have luncheon in my room, and I will send a note to Mr. Bartlett to tell him I will not be able to get off the boat at France to go to Vienna with him, as I have quite a headache. But I will see him sometime, somewhere else. So Major Falcon is going to come down at 12, and I have got to thinking over what Mr. Bartlett called me at Little Rock, and I am quite upset. I mean, a gentleman never pays for those things, but a girl always pays. So I think I will tell Major Falcon all about the aeroplane business, as he really wants to know. And after all, I do not think Mr. Bartlett is a gentleman to call me all those names in Little Rock, even if it was seven years ago. I mean Major Falcon is always a gentleman, and he really wants to do quite a lot for us in London, because he knows the Prince of Wales, and he thinks that Dorothy

and I would like the Prince of Wales once we had really got to meet him. So I'm going to stay in my room until Mr. Bartlett gets off the ship at France, because I really do not seem to care if I ever see Mr. Bartlett again. So tomorrow we will be at England, bright and early, and I really feel quite thrilled, because Mr. Isman sent me a cable this morning, as he does every morning, and he says to take advantage of everybody we meet, as traveling is the highest form of education. I mean, Mr. Isman is always right, and Major Falcon knows all the sights in London, including the Prince of Wales, so it really looks like Dorothy and I would have quite a delightful time in London. End of Chapter 2 Chapter 3 of Gentleman Prefer Blonds by Anita Luz. This Librevox recording is in the public domain.

Read by Jen Broda. Chapter 3. London is really nothing. April 17th. Well, Dorothy and I are really at London. I mean, we got to London on the train yesterday, as the boat does not come clear up to London, but it stops on the beach, and you have to take a train. I mean, everything is much better in New York, because the boat comes right up to New York, and I am really beginning to think that London is not so educational after all. But I did not not tell Mr. Isman when I cabled him last night, because Mr. Isman really sent me to London to get educated, and I would hate to tell him that London is a failure, because we know more in New York.

So Dorothy and I came to the Ritz, and it is delightfully full of Americans. I mean, you would really think it was New York, because I always think that the most delightful thing about traveling is to always be running into Americans, and to always feel at home. So yesterday, Dorothy and I went down to luncheon at the Ritz, and we saw a quite cute little blonde girl at the next table, and I nudged Dorothy under the table, because I do not think it is nice to nudge a person on top of the table as I'm trying to teach good manners to Dorothy. So I said, that is quite a cute little girl, so she must be an American girl. And sure enough, she called the head waiter with quite an American accent, and she was quite angry, and she said to him, I have been coming to this hotel for 35 years,

and this is the first time I have been kept waiting. So I recognized her voice, because it was really Fanny Ward. So we asked her to come over to our table, and we were all three delighted to see each other, because I and Fanny have known each other for about five years. But I really feel as if I knew her better because Mama knew her 45 years ago when she and Mama used to go to school together, and Mama used to always follow all her weddings in the newspapers. So now Fanny lives in London and is famous for being one of the cutest girls in London. I mean, Fanny is almost historical, because when a girl is cute for 50 years, it really begins to get historical. So if Mama did not die of hardening of the arteries. She and Fanny and I could have quite a delightful time in London,

as Fanny loves to shop. So we went shopping for hats, and instead of going to the regular shop, we went to the children's department, and Fanny and I bought some quite cute hats, as children hats only cost half as much, and Fanny does it all the time. I mean, Fanny really loves hats, and she buys some in the children's department every week, so she really saves quite a lot money. So we came back to the Ritz to meet Major Falcon because Major Falcon invited us to go to to tea with him at a girl's house called Lady Shelton. So Major Falcon invited Fanny to go with us too. But she was sorry because she had to go to her music lesson. So at Lady Shelton's house, we met quite a few people who seemed to be English. I mean, some of the girls in London

seem to be ladies, which seems to be the opposite of a lord. And some who are not ladies are honorable. But quite a few are not ladies or honorable either, but are just like us, so all you have to call them is Miss. So Lady Shelton was really delighted to have we Americans come to her house. I mean, she took Dorothy and I into the back parlor and tried to sell us some shell flowers she seems to make out of seashells for 25 pounds. So we asked her how much it was in money, and it seems it is $125. I mean, I am really going to have a quite hard time in London with Dorothy, because she really should not say to an English lady what she said. I mean, she should not say to an English lady that in America we use shells the same way, only we put a dry pea under one of them, and we call it a game.

But I told Lady Shelton we really did not need any shell flowers. So Lady Shelton said she knew we Americans loved dogs, so she would love us to meet her mother. So then she took Dorothy and Major Falcon and I to her mother's house, which was just around the corner from her house, because her mother seems to be called a countess and raised dogs. So her mother was having a party, too, and she seemed to have quite red hair and quite a lot of paint for such an elderly lady. So the first thing she asked us was, she asked us if we bought some shell flowers from her daughter. So we told her no. But she did not seem to act like a countess of her elderly age should act, because she said,

You were right, my dears. Don't let my daughter stick you. They fall apart in less than a week. So then she asked us if we would like to buy a dog. I mean, I could not stop Dorothy, but she said, How long before the dogs fall apart? But I do not think the countess acted like a countess ought to act, because she laughed very, very loud, and she said that Dorothy was really priceless, and she grabbed Dorothy and kissed her and held her arm around her all the time. I mean, I really think that a countess should not encourage Dorothy, or else she is just as unrefined as Dorothy seems to be.

But I told the countess that we did not need any dog. So then I met a quite delightful English lady, who had a very, very beautiful diamond tiara in her handbag, because she said that she thought some Americans would be at the party, and it was really a very, very great bargain. I mean, I think a diamond tiara is delightful because it is a place where I really never thought of wearing diamonds before, and I thought I had almost one of everything

until I saw a diamond tiara. The English lady, who was called Mrs. Weeks, said it was in her family for years. but the good thing about diamonds is they always look new. So I was really very intrigued, and I asked her how much it cost in money, and it seems it was $7,500. So then I looked around the room, and I noticed a gentleman who seemed to be quite well-groomed. So I asked Major Falcon who he was, and he said he was called Sir Francis Beekman, and it seems he is very, very wealthy. So then I asked Major Falcon who he was, and he was called Sir Francis Beekman, and it seems he is very, very wealthy. So then I asked him, Major Falcon to give us an introduction to one another, and we met one another, and I asked Sir Francis Beekman if he would hold my hat while I could try on the diamond tiara, because I could wear it backwards with a ribbon, on account of my hair being hobbed, and I told Sir Francis Beekman that I really thought it looked quite cute. So he thought it did too, but he seemed to have another engagement.

So the Countess came up to me, and she is really very unrefined, because she said to me, Do not waste your time on him. Because she said that whenever Sir Francis Beekman spent a haypenny, the statue of a gentleman called Mr. Nelson took off his hat and bowed. I mean, some people are so unrefined. They seem to have unrefined thoughts about everything. So I really have my heart set on the diamond tiara, and I became quite worried. because Mrs. Weeks said she was going to a delightful party last night

that would be full of delightful Americans, and it would be snapped up. So I was so worried that I gave her $100, and she is going to hold the diamond tiara for me. Because what is the use of traveling if you do not take advantage of opportunities, and it really is quite unusual to get a bargain from an English lady? So last night I cabled Mr. Isman, and I told Mr. Isman that he does not seem to know how much it cost to get educated by traveling, and I said I really would have to have $10,000. And I said I hoped I would not have to borrow the money from some strange English gentleman, even if he might be very good-looking. So I really could not sleep all night because of all my

worrying, because if I do not get the money to buy the diamond tiara, it may be quite a hard thing to get back $100 from an English lady. So now I must really get dressed. as Major Falcon is going to take Dorothy and I to look at all the sights in London. But I really think if I do not get the diamond tiara, my whole trip to London will be quite a failure. April 18th. Yesterday was quite a night and day. I mean, Major Falcon came to take Dorothy and I to see all the sights in London.

So I thought it would be delightful if we had another gentleman, and I made Major Falcon call up Sir Francis Beekman. I mean, I had a cable for Mr. Isman, which told me he could not send me $10,000, but he would send me $1,000, which really would not be a drop in the bucket for the diamond tiara. So Sir Francis Beekman said that he could not come, but I teased him and teased him over the telephone, so he finally said he would come. So Major Falcon drives his own car, so Dorothy sat with him, and I sat with Sir Francis Beekman, but I told him that I was not going to call him Sir Francis Beekman, but that I was really going to call him Piggy.

In London they make a very, very great fuss over nothing at all. I mean London is really nothing at all. For instance, they make a great fuss over a tower that really is not even tall as the Hickox building in Little Rock, Arkansas, and it would only make a chimney on one of our towers in New York. So Sir Francis Beekman wanted us to get out, and look at the tower, because he said that quite a famous queen had her head cut off there one morning, and Dorothy said, what a fool she was to get up that morning. And that is really the only sensible thing

that Dorothy has said in London. So we did not bother to get out. So we did not go to any more sites, because they really have delicious champagne cocktails at a very, very smart new restaurant called the Cafe de Paris, that you could not get in New York for neither love or money, and I told Piggy that when you are traveling, you really ought to take advantages of what you cannot do at home. So while Dorothy and I were in the Cafe to Paris, powdering our nose in the ladies' dressing room, we met an American girl who Dorothy knew in the Foley's, but now she is living in London. So she told us all about London. So it seems the gentlemen in London have quite a quaint custom of not giving a girl many presents. I mean, the English

girls really seem to be satisfied with a gold cigarette holder, or else what they call a bangle, which means a bracelet in English, which is only gold and does not have any stones in it, which American girls would really give to their maid. So she said you could tell what English gentlemen were like when you realized that not even English ladies could get anything out of them. So she said Sir Francis Beekman was really famous all over London for not spending so much money as most English gentlemen. So then Dorothy and I said goodbye to Dorothy's girlfriend, and Dorothy said, Let's tell our two boyfriends that we have a headache and go back to the Ritz, where men are Americans. Because Dorothy said that the society of a gentleman like Sir Francis Beekman was too great a price to pay

for a couple rounds of champagne cocktails. But I told Dorothy that I always believe that there is nothing like trying, and I think it would be nice for an American girl like I to educate an English gentleman like Piggy, as I call Sir Francis Beekman. So then we went back to the table, and I almost have to admit that Dorothy is in the right about Piggy, because he really likes to talk quite a lot, and he is always talking about a friend of his,

who was quite a famous king in London called King Edward. So Piggy said he would never, never forget the jokes King Edward was always saying. And he would never forget one time they were all on a yacht and they were all sitting at a table. And King Edward got up and said, I don't care what you gentlemen do, I'm going to smoke a cigar. So then Piggy laughed, very, very loud. So of course I laughed very, very loud. And I told Piggy he was wonderful the way he could.

tell jokes. I mean, you can always tell when to laugh, because Piggy always laughs first. So in the afternoon, a lot of lady friends of Mrs. Weeks heard about me buying the diamond tiara, and called us up and asked us to their house to tea. So Dorothy and I went, and we took a gentleman Dorothy met in the lobby, who is very, very good-looking, but he is only an English ballroom dancer in a cafe when he has a job. So we went to tea to a lady's house. called Lady Elmsworth, and what she has to sell we Americans, seems to be a picture of her father painted in oil paint, who she said was a whistler. But I told her my own father was a whistler, and used to whistle all of the time, and I did not even have a picture of him. But every time he

used to go to Little Rock, I asked him to go to the photographers, but he did not go. So then we met a lady called Lady Chisselby that wanted us to go to her house. house to tea, but we told her that we really did not want to buy anything. But she said that she did not have anything to sell, but she wanted to borrow five pounds. So we did not go, and I'm really glad that Mr. Isman did not come to London, as all the English ladies would ask him to tea, and he would have a whole shipload of shell flowers and dogs and antique pictures that do nobody any good. So last night, Piggy and I, and Dorothy and the dancer, who is called Gerald, went to the Kit Kat Club, as Gerald had nothing better to do because he is out of a job. So Dorothy and I had quite a little

quarrel, because I told Dorothy that she was wasting quite a lot of time going with any gentleman who was out of a job, but Dorothy is always getting to really like somebody, and she will never learn how to act. I mean, I always seem to think that when a girl really enjoys being with a gentleman, it puts her to quite a disadvantage, and no real good can come of it. Well, tonight is going to be quite a night, because Major Falcon is going to take Dorothy and I to a dance at a lady's house tonight to meet the Prince of Wales. And now I must get ready to see Piggy, because he and I seem to be getting to be quite good friends, even if he has not sent me any flowers yet. April 19th. Last night we really made.

met the Prince of Wales. I mean, Major Falcon called for Dorothy and I at 11, and took us to a lady's house where the lady was having a party. The Prince of Wales is really wonderful. I mean, even if he was not a prince, he would be wonderful. Because even if he was not a prince, he would be able to make his living playing the ukulele if he had a little more practice. So the lady came up to me and told me that the Prince of Wales would like to meet me. So she She gave us an introduction to one another, and I was very, very thrilled when he asked me for a dance. So I decided I would write down every word he said to me in my diary, so I could always go back and read it over and over when I am really old.

So then we started to dance, and I asked him if he was still able to be fond of horses. And he said he was. So after our dance was all over, he asked Dorothy for a dance, but Dorothy will not. never learn how to act in front of a prince, because she handed me her fan, and she said, Hold this while I slip a new page into English history, right in front of the Prince of Wales. So I was very, very worried while Dorothy was dancing with the Prince of Wales, because she'd talked to the Prince of Wales all the time, and when she got through, the Prince of Wales wrote some of the slang words she is always saying on his cuff. So if he tells the Queen,

some day to be a good elk or some other slang word Dorothy is always saying, the queen will really blame me for bringing such a girl into English society. So when Dorothy came back, we had quite a little quarrel, because Dorothy said that since I met the Prince of Wales, I was becoming too English. But really, I mean to say, I often remember Papa back in Arkansas, and he often used to say that his grandpa came from a place in England called Australia. So really, I mean to say, it is no wonder that the English seems to come out of me sometimes, because if a girl seems to have an English accent, I really think it is quite jolly. April 20th. Yesterday afternoon, I really thought I ought to begin to educate Piggy, how to act with a girl, like American gentlemen act with a

girl. So I asked him to come up to have tea in our sitting room in the hotel because I had quite a headache. I mean, I really look quite cute in my pink negligee. So I sent out a bellhop friend of Dorothy and I, who is quite a nice boy, who is called Harry, and who we talked to quite a lot. So I gave Harry 10 pounds of English money, and I told him to go to the most expensive florist and to buy some very, very expensive orchids for 10 pounds, and to bring them to our sitting room at 15 minutes past five, and not to say a word, but to say they were for me. So Piggy came to tea, and we were having tea when Harry came in, and he did not say a word, but he gave me a quite large box, and he said it was for me.

So I opened the box, and sure enough, they were a dozen very, very beautiful orchids. So I looked for a card, but of course there was no card. So I grabbed Piggy, and I said I would have to give him quite a large hug, because it must have been him. But he said it was not him. But I said it must be him, because I said that there was only one gentleman in London who was so sweet and generous and had such a large heart to send a girl one dozen orchids like him. So he still said it was not him.

But I said I knew it was him, because there was not a gentleman in London so really marvelous and so wonderful, and such a marvelous gentleman to send a girl one dozen orchids every day as him. So I really had to apologize for giving him such a large hug, but I told him I was so full of impulses that when I knew he was going to send me one dozen orchids every day, I became so impulsive I could not help it. So then Dorothy and Gerald came in. and I told them all about what a wonderful gentleman Piggy turned out to be. And I told them when a gentleman sent a girl one dozen orchids every day, he really reminded me of a prince. So Piggy blushed quite a lot, and he was really very, very pleased, and he did not say any more that it was not him.

So then I started to make a fuss over him, and I told him he would have to look out, because he was really so good-looking, and I was so full of impulses that I might even lose my mind some time and give him a kiss. So Piggy really felt very, very good to be such a good-looking gentleman, so he could not help blushing all the time, and he could not help grinning all the time from one ear to another. So he asked us all to dinner, and then he and Gerald went to change their clothes for dinner. So Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel after they went, because Dorothy asked me which one of the Jesse James brothers was my father. But I told her I was not so unrefined that I would waste my time with any gentleman

who was only a ballroom dancer when he had a job. So Dorothy said Gerald was a gentleman because he wrote her a note and it had a crest. So I told her to try and eat it. So then we had to get dressed. So this morning, Harry, the boyfriend of ours, who is the bellhop, wake me up at 10 o'clock because he had a box of one dozen orchids from Piggy. So by the time Piggy pays for a few dozen orchids, the diamond tiara will really seem like quite a bargain. Because I always think that spending money is only just a habit, and if you get a gentleman started on buying one dozen orchids at a time, he really gets very good habits.

April 21st. Well, yesterday afternoon I took part of the time. Piggy shopping on a street called Bond Street. So I took him to a jewelry store because I told him I had to have a silver picture frame because I had to have a picture of him to go in it. Because I told Piggy that when a girl gets to know such a good-looking gentleman as him, she really wants to have a picture of him on her dressing table where she can look at it a lot. So Piggy became quite intrigued. So we looked at all the silver picture frames. But then I told him that. I really did not think a silver picture frame was good enough for a picture of him, because I forgot

they had gold picture frames until I saw them. So then we started to look at the gold picture frames, so then it came out that his picture was taken in his uniform. So I said he must be so good looking in his uniform that I really did not think even the gold picture frames were good enough, but they did not have any platinum picture frames, so we had to buy the best one we could. So then I asked him if he could put on his uniform tomorrow, because I would love to see him in his uniform, and we could go to tea at Mrs. Weeks. So he really became very pleased, because he grinned quite a lot, and he said that he would. So then I said that poor little I would really look like nothing at all to be going out with him in his gorgeous uniform. So then we started to look at some

bracelets, but a lady friend of his who is quite friendly with his wife, who is in their country house in the country, came into the store. So Piggy became quite nervous to be caught in a jewelry store where he has not been for years and years, so we had to go out. This morning, Gerald called up Dorothy, and he said that day after tomorrow they are having a theatrical garden party to sell things to people for charity. So he asked if Dorothy and I would be one of the ones who sell things to people for charity. So we said we would. So now I must telephone Mrs. Weeks and say I will bring Sir Francis Beekman to tea tomorrow, and I hope it all comes out all right. But I really wish Piggy would not tell so many stories. I mean, I do not mind a gentleman when he tells a great many stories if they are new.

but a gentleman who tells a great many stories, and they are all the same stories, is quite innovating. I mean, London is really so uneducational that all I seem to be learning is some of Piggy's stories, and I even want to forget them. So I am really becoming jolly well-fed up with London. April 22nd Yesterday, Piggy came in his uniform, but he was really quite upset because he had a letter. I mean his wife is coming to London because she always comes to London every year to get her old clothes made over as she has a girl who does it very, very cheap. So she is going to stay with the lady who saw us in the jewelry store because it always saves money to stay with a friend. So I wanted to cheer piggy up,

so I told him that I did not think the lady saw us. And if she did see us, she really could not believe her eyes to see him in a jewelry store. But I did not tell him that I think that Dorothy and I had better go to Paris soon, because after all, Piggy's society is beginning to tell on a girl's nerves. But I really made Piggy feel quite good about his uniform, because I told him I only felt fit to be with him in a diamond tiara. So then I told him that, even if his wife was in London, we could still be friends, because I could not help but admire him even if his wife was in London, and I told him I really thought a thing like that was nearly always the result of fate. So then we went to tea at Mrs. Weeks.

So Piggy arranged with Mrs. Weeks to pay her for the diamond tiara, and she nearly fell dead, but she will keep it a secret because no one would believe it anyway. So now I have the diamond tiara. And I have to admit that everything always turns out for the best. But I promised Piggy that I would always stay in London, and we would always be friendly, because Piggy always says that I am the only one who admires him for what he really is.

April 25th. Well, we were so busy the last days I did not have time to write in my diary, because now we are on a ship that seems to be quite a small ship to be sailing to Paris, and we will be at Paris this afternoon. Because it does not take nearly so long to come to Paris as it does to come to London. I mean, it seems quite unusual to think that it takes six days to come to London, and only one day to come to Paris. So Dorothy is quite upset, because she did not want to come,

as she is madly in love with Gerald, and Gerald said that we really ought not to leave London without going to see England while we happen to be here. But I told him that if England was the same kind of a place that London seems to be, I really know too much to bother with such a place. I mean, we had quite a little quarrel because Gerald showed up at the station with a bangle for Dorothy. So I told Dorothy she was well rid of such a person. So Dorothy had to come with me because Mr. Isman is paying her expenses,

because he wants Dorothy to be my chaperone. So the last thing in London was the garden part. I sold quite a lot of red balloons, and I sold a red balloon to Harry Louder, the famous Scotch gentleman who is the famous Scotch tenor for twenty pounds. So Dorothy said I did not need to buy any ticket to Paris on the boat, because if I could do that, I could walk across the channel. So Piggy does not know that we have gone, but I sent him a letter and told him I would see him some time again sometime. And I was really glad to get out of our rooms at the Ritz. I mean, 50 or 60 orchids really make a girl think of a funeral. So I cabled Mr. Isman, and I told him we could not learn

anything in London, because we knew too much, so if we went to Paris at least, we could learn French, if we made up our mind to it. So I am really very, very intrigued, as I have heard so much about Paris, and I feel that it must be much more educational than London, and I can hardly wait to see the Ritz Hotel in Paris. End of Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Part 1 of Gentleman Prefer Blonds by Anita Luz. This Libravox recording is in the public domain, read by Jen Broda. Chapter 4 Part 1, Paris is Divine. April 27th. Paris is divine. I mean, Dorothy and I got to Paris yesterday, and it really is divine,

because the French are divine, because when we are coming off the boat and we are coming through the customs, it was quite hot, and it seemed to smell quite a lot, and all the French gentlemen in the customs were squealing quite a lot. So I looked around, and I picked out a French gentleman who was really in a very gorgeous uniform, and he seemed to be a very, very important gentleman, and I gave him 20 francs worth of French money, and he was very, very gallant, and he knocked everybody else down and took our bags right through the custom. Because I really think the 20 francs is quite cheap for a gentleman that has got on at least $100 worth of gold braid on his coat alone, to speak nothing of his trousers. I mean, the French gentleman always,

seem to be squealing quite a lot, especially taxi drivers when they only get a small-sized yellow dime called a 50 centimes for a tip. But the good thing about French gentlemen is that every time a French gentleman starts in to squeal, you can always stop him with five francs, no matter who he is. I mean, it is so refreshing to listen to a French gentleman stop squeaking that it would really be quite a bargain even for ten francs. So we came to the Ritz's. hotel, and the Ritz Hotel is divine. Because when a girl can sit in a delightful bar and have delicious champagne cocktails, and look at all the important French people in Paris, I think it is divine. I mean, when a girl can sit there and look at the Dolly Sisters and Pearl White, and Maybel

Gillum Corey and Mrs. Nash, it is beyond worlds. Because when a girl looks at Mrs. Nash and realizes what Mrs. Nash has got out of gentlemen, it really makes a good. girl hold her breath. And when a girl walks around and reads all of the signs with all of the famous historical names, it really makes you hold your breath. Because when Dorothy and I went on a walk, we only walked a few blocks, but in only a few blocks, we read all of the famous historical names, like Cody and Cartier, and I knew we were seeing something educational at last, and our whole trip was not a failure. I mean, I really try to make Dorothy get educated and have reverence. So when we stood at the corner of a place called the Place Van Dome, if you turn your back on a

monument they have in the middle and look up, you can see none other than Cody's sign. So I said to Dorothy, does it not really give you a thrill to realize that that is the historical spot where Mr. Cody makes all the perfume. So then Dorothy said that she supposed Mr. Cody came to Paris, and he smelled Paris, and he realized that something had to be done. So Dorothy will really never have any reference. So then we saw a jewelry store, and we saw some jewelry in the window, and it really seemed to be a very, very great bargain, but the price marks all had francs on them, and Dorothy and I do not seem to be mathematical enough to tell how much Franks is in money. So we went in and asked, and it seems it was only $20, and it seems it is not diamonds, but it is a thing called paste, which is the name of a word

which means imitations. So Dorothy said, paste is the name of the word a girl ought to do to a gentleman that handed her one. I mean, I would really be embarrassed, but the gentleman did not seem to understand Dorothy's English. So it really makes a girl feel depressed to think a girl could not tell that it was nothing but an imitation. I mean, a gentleman could deceive a girl because he could give her a present, and it would only be worth $20. So when Mr. Isman comes to Paris next week, if he wants to make me a present, I will make him take me along with him, because he really is quite an in-veteran bargain hunter at heart. So the gentleman at the jewelry store said that quite a lot of famous girls in Paris had imitations of all their jewelry, and they put the jewelry in the safe, and they really wore the

imitations, so they could wear it and have a good time. But I told him, I thought that any girl who was a lady would not even think of having such a good time that she did not remember to hang on to her jewelry. So then we went back to the writs and unpacked our trunks. with the aid of a really delightful waiter who brought us up some delicious luncheon and who is called Leon, and who speaks English almost like an American, and who Dorothy and I talk to quite a lot. So Leon said that we ought not to stay around the ritz all of the time, but we really ought to see Paris. So Dorothy said she would go down in the lobby and meet some gentlemen to show us Paris. So, in a couple of minutes, she called up on the telephone from the lobby, and she said,

I have got a French bird down here who is a French title nobleman, who is called a V-count, so come on down. So I said, how did a Frenchman get into the Ritz? So Dorothy said, he came in to get out of the rain, and he has not noticed that it is stopped. So I said, I suppose you have picked up something without taxi fare as usual. why did you not get an American gentleman who always have money? So Dorothy said she thought a French gentleman had ought to know Paris better. So I said, he does not even know it is not raining.

But I went down. So the V-count was really delightful after all. So then we rode around and we saw Paris and we saw how divine it really is. I mean the Eiffel Tower is divine. and it is much more educational than the London Tower, because you cannot even see the London Tower if you happen to be two blocks away. But when a girl looks at the Eiffel Tower, she really knows she is looking at something, and it would even be very difficult not to notice the Eiffel Tower. So then we went to a place called the Madrid to tea, and it really was divine. I mean, we saw the Dolly Sisters and Pearl White and Mrs. Corey, and Mrs. Nash all over again. Then we went to dinner, and then we went to Mo Mart, and it really was

divine, because we saw them all over again. I mean, in Momart, they have genuine American jazz bands, and quite a lot of New York people, which we knew, and you really would think you were in New York, and it was divine. So we came back to the Ritz quite late, so Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel, because Dorothy said that when we were looking at Paris, I asked the French V-count what was the name of the unknown soldier who was buried under quite a large monument. So I said I really did not mean to ask him, if I did, because what I did mean to ask him was, what was the name of his mother? Because it is always the mother of a dead soldier that I always seem to think about more than the dead soldier that has died. So, the French Viscount is going to call up in the morning, but I am not going to see him again,

because French gentlemen are really quite deceiving. I mean, they take you to quite cute places, and they make you feel quite good about yourself, and you really seem to have a delightful time. But when you get home and come to think it all over, all you have got is a fan that only cost 20 francs, and a doll that they gave you away for nothing in a restaurant. I mean a good one. I mean a good girl has to look out in Paris, or she would have such a good time in Paris that she would not get anywheres. So I really think that American gentlemen are the best after all, because kissing your hand may make you feel very, very good, but a diamond and a sapphire bracelet lasts forever. Besides, I do not think that I ought to go out with any gentleman in Paris, because Mr. Isman

will be here next week, and he told me that the only kind of gentleman he wants me to go out with are intellectual gentlemen who are good for a girl's brains. So I really do not seem to see many gentlemen around the writs who seem to look like they would be good for a girl's brains. So tomorrow we are going to go shopping, and I suppose it would really be too much to expect to find a gentleman who would look to Mr. Isman like he was good for a girl's brains, and at the same time he would like to take us shopping. April 29th. Yesterday was quite a day. I mean, Dorothy and I were getting ready to go shopping, and the telephone rang,

and they said that Lady Francis Beekman was downstairs, and she wanted to come upstairs. So I was really quite surprised. I mean, I did not know what to say, so I said all right. So then I told Dorothy, and then we put our brains together, because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman is the wife of the gentleman called Sir Francis Beekman, who was the admirer of mine in London, who seemed to admire me so much that he asked me if he could make me a present of a diamond tiara. So it seemed as if his wife must have heard about it, and it really seemed as if she must have come clear over from London about it. So there was a very, very loud knock at the door, so we asked her to come in.

So Lady Francis Beekman came in, and she is a quite large-sized lady, who seems to resemble Bill Hart quite a lot. I mean, Dorothy thinks that Lady Francis Beekman resembles Bill Hart quite a lot, only she really thinks she looks more like Bill Hart's horse. So it seems that she said that if I did not give her back the diamond tiara right away, she would make quite a fuss, and she would ruin my reputation. because she said that something really must be wrong about the whole thing. Because it seems that Sir Francis Beekman and she have been married for 35 years, and the last present he gave to her was a wedding ring. So Dorothy spoke up and she said, Lady, you could no more ruin my girlfriend's reputation than you could sink the Jewish fleet.

I mean, I was quite proud of Dorothy the way she stood up for my reputation. Because I really think that there is nothing. so wonderful as two girls when they stand up for each other and help each other a lot. Because no matter how vigorous Lady Francis Beekman seems to be, she had to realize that she could not sink a whole fleet full of ships. So she had to stop talking against my reputation. So then she said she would drag it into the court, and she would say that it was undue influence. So I said to her,

If you wear that hat into a court, we will see if the judge thinks it took an undue influence to make Sir Francis Beekman look at a girl. So then Dorothy spoke up, and Dorothy said, My girlfriend is right, lady. You have got to be the Queen of England to get away with a hat like that. So Lady Francis Beekman seemed to get quite angry. So then she said she would send for Sir Francis Beekman, where he suddenly went to Scotland, to go hunting, when he found out that Lady Francis Beekman had found out. So Dorothy said she said, said, do you mean that you have left Sir Francis Beekman loose with all those spin-thrifts down in

Scotland? So Dorothy said she would better look out, or he would get together with the boys some night and simply massacre a haypenny. I mean, I always encourage Dorothy to talk quite a lot when we are talking to unrefined people like Lady Francis Beekman, because Dorothy speaks their own language to unrefined people better than a refined girl like I. So Dorothy said, You had better not send for Sir Francis Beekman, because if my girlfriend really wanted to turn loose on Sir Francis Beekman, all he would have left would be his title. So then I spoke right up, and said yes, that I was an American girl, and we American girls do not care about a title, because we American girls always say that what is good enough for Washington is good enough for us.

So Lady Francis Beekman really seemed to get more angry and more angry all of the time. So then she said that if it was necessary, she would tell the judge that Sir Francis Beekman went out of his mind when he gave it to me. So Dorothy said, Lady, if you go into a court and if the judge gets a good look at you, he will think that Sir Francis Beekman was out of his mind 35 years ago. So then Lady Francis Beekman said she knew what kind of a person she had to deal with, and she would not deal with any such a person because she said it hurt her dignity.

So Dorothy said, Lady, if we hurt your dignity like you hurt our eyesight, I hope for your sake you are a Christian science. So that seemed to make Lady Francis Beekman angry. so she said she would turn it all over to her solicitor. So when she went out, she tripped over quite a long train, which she had on her skirt, and nearly fell down. So Dorothy leaned out of the door, and Dorothy called down the hall and said, Take a tuck in that skirt, Isabel. It's 1925.

So I really felt quite depressed, because I felt as if our whole morning was really very unrefined, just because we had to mix with such an unrefined. Lady as Lady Francis Beekman. April 30th. So sure enough, yesterday morning, Lady Francis Beekman's solicitor came. Only he really was not a solicitor, but his name was on a card, and it seems his name is Mons Brossard.

And it seems that he is an advocate, because an advocate is a lawyer in the French language. So Dorothy and I were getting dressed, and we were in our negligee as usual. when there was quite a loud knock on the door, and before we could even say come in, he jumped right into the room. So it seems that he is a French extraction. I mean, Lady Francis Beekman's solicitor can really squeal just like a taxi driver. I mean, he was squealing quite loud when he jumped into the room, and he kept right on squealing. So Dorothy and I rushed into the parlor, and Dorothy looked at him, and Dorothy said, this town has got to stop playing. jokes on us every morning, because our nerves could not stand it. So Mons Brossard handed us his card,

and he squealed and squealed, and he really waved his arm in the air quite a lot. So Dorothy said he gives quite a good imitation of the Moulin Rouge, which is really a red windmill. Only Dorothy said he makes more noise, and he runs on his own wind. So we stood and watched him for quite a long time, but he seemed to get quite monotonous after quite a long while, because he was always talking in French, which really means nothing to us. So Dorothy said, let's see if 25 francs will stop him, because if five francs will stop a taxi driver, 25 francs ought to stop an advocate, because he was making about five times as much noise as a taxi driver, and five times five is 25. So as soon as he heard us start in to talk about Franks,

He seemed to calm down quite a little. So Dorothy got out her pocketbook, and she gave him 25 francs. So then he stopped squealing, and he put it in his pocket, and then he got out quite a large-sized handkerchief, with purple elephants on it, and he started in to cry. So Dorothy really got discouraged, and she said, look here, look here, you have given us a quite an amusing morning, but if you keep that up much longer, wet or dry, ouch. you go? So then he started into pointing at the telephone, and he seemed to want to use the telephone, and Dorothy said, If you think you can get a number over that thing, go to it, but as far as we have found out, it is a wall bracket. So then he started into telephone, so Dorothy and I went about our

business to get dressed. So when he finished telephoning, he kept running to my door, and then he kept running to Dorothy's door, and he kept on crying and talking a lot, but he seemed to have lost all of his novelty to us, so we paid no more attention to him. So finally there was another loud knock on the door, so we heard him rush to the door, so we both went in to the parlor to see what it was, and it really was a sight, because it was another Frenchman. So the new Frenchman rushed in, and he yelled, Papa, and he kissed him. So it seems that it was his sense. It was his sense. It was a son, because his son is really his papa's partner in the advocate business. So then his papa talked quite a lot, and then he pointed at I and Dorothy. So then his son looked at us, and then his son let out

quite a large size squeal, and he said in French, may papa, ele son charmer. So it seems he was telling his papa in French that we were really charming. So then Monsbrossard stopped crying, and put on his glasses and took a good look at us. So then his son put up the window shade so his papa could get a better look at us. And when his papa had finished looking at us, he really became delighted. So he became all smiles and he pinched our cheeks, and he kept saying Charmante all of the time, because Charmante means charming in the French language. So then his son broke out into English, and he really speaks English as good as an American. So then he told us his papa telephoned for him to come over because we did not seem to understand what his papa was saying to us. So it seems that Mons Broussard

had been talking to us in English all of the time, but we did not seem to understand his kind of English. So Dorothy said, If what your papa was talking in was English, I could get a gold medal for my Greek. So then his son told his papa, and his papa laughed very, very loud, and he pinched Dorothy's cheek, and he was very delighted, even if the joke was on him. So then Dorothy and I asked his son what he was saying when he was talking to us in English, and his son said he was telling us all about his client, Lady Francis Beekman. So then we asked his son why his papa kept crying. So then his son said his papa kept crying, because he said his papa kept crying, because he was he said his papa kept crying, because he was he because he was thinking about Lady Francis Beekman. So Dorothy said, if he cries when he thinks about her, what does he do when he looks at her? So then his son explained to his papa what Dorothy said. So then Monsbrossard laughed very, very loud. So then he kissed Dorothy's hand. So he said,

after that, we would all really have to have a bottle of champagne. So he went to the telephone and ordered a bottle of champagne. So then his son said to his papa, Why do I not ask the charming ladies to go out to Fontainebleau today? So his papa said it would be charming. So then I said, how are we going to tell you gentlemen apart? Because if it is the same in Paris as it is in America, you would both seem to be Monsieur Brossard. So then we got the idea to call them by their first name. So it seems that his son's name, is Louis, so Dorothy spoke up and said, I hear that they number all of you Louie's over here in Paris,

because a girl is always hearing someone talk about Louis XVIth, who seemed to be in the antique furniture business. I mean, I was surprised to hear Dorothy get so historical, so she may really be getting educated in spite of everything. But Dorothy told Louis he need not try to figure out his number because she got it the minute she looked at him. So it seems his papa's name is Robert, which means Robert in French. So Dorothy started in to think about her 25 francs, and she said to Robert,

Your mother certainly knew her grammar when she called you that. So Dorothy said we might as well go out to Fontainebleau with Louis and Robé if Louis would take off his yellow spats that were made out of yellow chamois skin with pink pearl buttons. Because Dorothy said, Fun is fun, but no girl wants to laugh all of the time. So Louis is really always anxious to please. So he took off his spats. But when he took off his spats, we saw his socks.

And when we saw his socks, we saw that they were scotch plaid with small-sized rainbows running through them. So Dorothy looked at them a little while, and she really became quite discouraged, and she said, well Louis, I think you had better put your spats back on. So then Leon, our friend who is the waiter, came in with the bottle of champagne. So while he was opening the bottle of champagne, Louis and Robert talked together in French quite a lot, and I really think I had ought to find out what they said in French, because it might be about the diamond tiara. Because French gentlemen are very, very gallant, but I really do not think a girl can trust one of them around a corner.

So when I get a chance, I am going to ask Leon what they said. So then we went to Fontainebleau, and then we went to Mo Marte, and we got home very late, and we really had quite a delightful day and night, even if we did not go out shopping and buy anything. But I really think we ought to do more shopping, because shopping really seems to be what Paris is principally for. End of Chapter 4, Part 1. Chapter 4, Part 2 of Gentleman Prefer Blonds by Anita Luz.

This Liprovok's recording is in the public domain. Read by Jen Broda. Chapter 4 Part 2 May 1st Well, this morning I sent for Leon, who is Dorothy and my waiter friend, and I asked him what Louis and Robert said in French. So it seems that they said in French that we seemed to attract them very, very much, because they really thought that we were very charming, and they had not met girls that were so charming in quite a long time. So it seems that they said

they would ask us out a lot, and that they would charge up all the bills to Lady Francis Beekman, because they would watch for their chance, and they would steal the diamond tiara. So this, Then they said that even if they could not steal it from us, we were really so charming that it would be delightful to go around with us, even if they could not steal from us. So no matter what happens, they really could not lose. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman would be glad to pay all the bills when they told her they had to take us out a lot so they could watch for their chance and steal it. Because Lady Francis Beekman is the kind of a wealthy lady that does not spend money on anything else, but she will always spend. money on a lawsuit. And she really would not mind spending the money because it seems that something either I or Dorothy said to Lady Francis Beekman seemed to make her angry. So then I decided it was time to do some thinking, and I really thought quite a lot. So I told Dorothy I thought I would put the real

diamond tiara in the safe at the Ritz, and then I would buy an imitation of a diamond tiara at the jewelry store that has the imitations that are called paste. So then I would leave the imitation of the diamond tiara lying around, so Louis and Robert could see how careless I seemed to be with it, so then they would get full of encouragement. So when we go out with Louis and Robert, I could put it in my handbag, and I could take it with me so Louis and Robert could always feel that the diamond tiara was within reach. So then Dorothy and I could get them to go shopping, and we could get them to spend quite a lot, and every time they seemed to get discouraged, I could open my handbag and let them get a glimpse of the imitation of a diamond tiara,

and they would become more encouraged, and then they would spend some more money. Because I even might let them steal it at the last, because they were really charming gentlemen after all, and I really would like to help Louis Anne-Rober. I mean it would be quite amusing for them to steal it for Lady Francis Beekman, and she would have to pay them quite a lot. And then she would find out it was only made out of paste after all, because Lady Francis Beekman has never seen the real diamond tiara, and the imitation of a diamond tiara would really deceive her. At least until Louis and Robert got all of their money for all of the hard work they did. I mean the imitation of a diamond

tiara would only cost about $65, and what is $65 if Dorothy and I could do some delightful shopping and get some delightful presents that would even seem more delightful when we stopped to realize that Lady Francis Beekman paid for them. And it would teach Lady Francis Beekman a lesson not to say what she said to two American girls like I and Dorothy, who were all alone in Paris and had no gentlemen to protect them. So when I got through telling Dorothy what I thought up, Dorothy looked at me and looked at me, and she really said she thought my brains were a miracle. I mean, she said my brains reminded her of a radio, because you listen to it for days and days, and you get discouraged. And just when you are getting ready to smash it, something comes out that is a masterpiece.

So then Louis called us up, so Dorothy told him that we thought it would be delightful if he and Robert would take us out shopping tomorrow morning. So then Louis asked his papa, and his papa said they would. So then they asked us if we would like to go see a play called the Foley Berger tonight. So he said that all of the French people who live in Paris are always delighted to have some Americans, so it will give them an excuse to go to the Foli Bergerre. So we said we would go. So now Dorothy and I are going out shopping to buy the imitation of a diamond tiara, and we are going out window shopping to pick out where we would like Louis and Robert to take us shopping tomorrow.

So I really think that everything always works out for the best, because after all, we really need some gentlemen to take us around until Mr. Isman gets to Paris, and we could not go around with any really attractive gentlemen, because Mr. Isman only wants me to go out with gentlemen that have brains. So I said to Dorothy that, even if Louie and Robert do not look so full of brains, we could tell Mr. Isman that all we were learning from them was French. So even if I have not seemed to learn French yet, I have really almost learned to understand Robert's English, so when Robert talks in front of Mr. Isman, and I seem to understand what he is saying, Mr. Isman will probably think I know French.

May 2nd So last night we went to the Foli Bergerre, and it really was divine. I mean it was very, very artistic, because it had girls in it that were in the nude. So one of the girls was a friend of Louis, and he said that she was a very, very nice girl, and that she was only 18 years of age. So Dorothy said, She is slipping it over on you, Louis, because how could a girl get such dirty knees in only 18 years? So Louis and Robert really laughed very, very loud. I mean, Dorothy was very unrefined at the Foli Berger. But I always think that when girls are in the nude, it is very artistic,

and if you have artistic thoughts, you think it is beautiful, and I really would not laugh in an artistic place like the Foli Bergerre. So I wore the imitation of a diamond tiara to the Foli Bergerre. I mean, it really would deceive an expert, and Louis and Robert could hardly take their eyes off of it. But they did not really annoy me, because I had it tied on very, very tight. I mean, it would be fatal if they got the diamond tiara before Dorothy and I took them shopping a lot, So we are all ready to go shopping this morning, and Robert was here bright and early, and he is in the parlor with Dorothy, and we are waiting for Louis. So I left the diamond tiara on the table in the parlor, so Robert could see how careless I really am with everything, but Dorothy is keeping her eye on Robert. So I just heard Louis come in, because I heard him kissing Robert. I mean, Louis is always kissing Robert, and Dorothy told Louis that if he did not stop kissing,

Robert, people would think that he painted boutiques. So now I must join the others, and I will put the diamond tiara in my handbag so that Louis and Robert will feel that it is always around, and we will all go shopping. And I almost have to smile when I think of Lady Francis Beekman. May 3rd Yesterday was really delightful. I mean Louis and Robére bought Dorothy and I some delightful presents, but then they began to run out of all the franks they had with them, so they began to get discouraged. But just as soon as they began to get discouraged, I gave Robert my handbag to hold while I went to the fitting room to try on a blouse. So he was cheered up quite a lot, but of course Dorothy stayed with

them and kept her eye on Robert, so he did not get a chance. But it really cheered him up quite a lot to even hold it. So after all their francs were gone, Robéry said he would have a lot. He said he would have to telephone to someone. So I suppose he telephoned to Lady Francis Beekman, and she must have said all right, because Robert left us at a place called the Café de la Paix, because he had to go on an errand, and when he came back from his errand, he seemed to have quite a lot more francs. So then they took us to luncheon, so after that luncheon we could go out shopping some more. But I am really learning quite a lot French in spite of everything. I mean, if you want delicious chicken and peas for luncheon, all you have to say is Petty Pei and Polly. I mean, French is really very easy. For instance,

the French used the word chic for everything, while we only seem to use it for gentlemen when they seem to resemble Rudolph Valentino. So while we were shopping in the afternoon, I saw Luigate Dorothy off in a corner and whispered to her quite a lot. So then I saw Roeke bear get her off in a corner and whispered to her quite a lot. So when we got back to the Ritz, Dorothy told me why they whispered to her. So it seems when Louis whispered to Dorothy, Louis told Dorothy that if she would steal the diamond tiara from me and give it to him and not let his papa know, he would give her 1,000 francs. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman has got her heart set on it, and she will pay quite a lot for it because she is quite angry, and when she gets

really as angry as she is, she is only a woman with one idea. So if Louis could get it and his papa would not find it out, he could keep all the money for himself. So it seems that later on, when Robert was whispering to Dorothy, he was making her the same proposition for two thousand francs so that Louis would not find out, and Robert could keep all the money for himself. So I really think it would be delightful if Dorothy could make some money for herself, because it might make Dorothy get some ambitions. So tomorrow morning, Dorothy is going to take the diamond tiara, and she is going to tell Louis that she stole it, and she is going to sell it to Louis.

But she will make him hand over the money first, and then, just as she is going to hand over the diamond tiara, I am going to walk in on them and say, Oh, there is my diamond tiara. I have been looking for it everywhere. So then I will get it back. So then she will tell him that she might just as well keep the 1,000 francs because she will steal it for him again in the afternoon.

So in the afternoon, she is going to sell it to Robert, and I really think we will let Robert keep it, because I am quite fond of Robert. I mean he is quite a sweet old day. gentleman, and it is really refreshing the way he and his son love one another. Because even if it is unusual for an American to see a French gentleman always kissing his father, I really think it is refreshing, and I think that we Americans would be better off if we American fathers and sons would love one another more like Louis and Robert. So Dorothy and I have quite a lot of delightful

handbags and stockings and handkerchiefs and scarves and things, and some quite cute models of evening gowns that are all covered with imitations of diamonds. Only they do not call them paste when they are on a dress, but they call them Diamantez, and I really think a girl looks quite cute when she is covered all over with Diamantees. May 5th. So yesterday morning Dorothy sold the imitation of a diamond tiara to Louis, so then we got it back. So in the afternoon, we all went out to Versailles. I mean, Louis and Robert were quite delighted not to go shopping anymore, so I suppose that Lady Francis Beekman really thinks that there is a limit to almost everything. So I took Louis for a walk at Versailles so that Dorothy would have a chance to sell it to Robert. So then she sold it to Robert. So then he put it

in his pocket. But when we were coming home, I got to thinking things over, and I really got to thinking that an imitation of a diamond tiara was quite a good thing to have after all. I mean, especially if a girl does go around a lot in Paris, with admirers who are of the French extraction, and after all, I really do not think a girl ought to encourage Robert to steal something from two American girls who are all alone in Paris and have no gentlemen to protect them. So I asked Dorothy which pocket Robert put it in, so I sat next to him in the automobile coming home, and I took it out. So we were in quite a quaint restaurant for dinner when Robert put his hand in his pocket, and then he started to squeal once more. So it seems he had lost something,

so he and Louis had one of their regular squealing and shoulder- shrugging matches. But Louis told his papa that he did not steal it out of his papa's pocket, but then Robert started to cry to think that his son would steal something out of his own papa's pocket. So after Dorothy and I had had about all we could stand, I told them all about it. I mean, I really felt sorry for Robert, so I told him not to cry anymore, because it was nothing but paced after all. So then I showed it to them. So then Louis and Robert looked at Dorothy and I, and they really held their breath. So I suppose that most of the girls in Paris do not have such brains as we American girls. So after it was all over, Louis and Robert seemed to be so depressed.

that I really felt sorry for them. So I got an idea. So I told them that we would all go out tomorrow to the imitation of a jewelry store, and they could buy another imitation of a diamond tiara to give to Lady Francis Beekman, and they could get the man in the jewelry store to put on the bill that it was a handbag, and they could charge the bill to Lady Francis Beekman along with the other expenses. Because Lady Francis Beekman had never seen the real diamond tiara anyway. So Dorothy spoke up, and Dorothy said that as far as Lady Francis Beekman would know about diamonds, you could nick off a piece of ice and give it to her, only it would melt. So then Robert looked at me, and looked at me, and he reached over and kissed me on the forehead in a way that was really

full of reverence. So then we had quite a delightful evening, I mean because we all seemed to understand one another, because after all, Dorothy and I could really have a platonic friendship with gentlemen like Louis and Robert. I mean, there seems to be something common between us, especially when we all get to thinking about Lady Francis Beekman. So they are going to charge Lady Francis Beekman quite a lot of money when they give her the imitation of a diamond tiara, and I told Robert, if she seems to complain,

to ask her if she knew that Sir Francis Beekman sent me 10 pounds worth of orchids every day while we were in London. So that would make her so angry that she would be, glad to pay almost anything to get the diamond tiara. So when Lady Francis Beekman pays them all the money, Louis and Robert are going to give us a dinner in our honor at Ceros. So when Mr. Isman gets here on Saturday, Dorothy and I are going to make Mr. Isman give Louis and Robert a dinner in their honor at Ceros because of all the way they helped us when we were two American girls all alone in Paris and could not even speak the French language. So Louis and Robert at a little bit of the French language. So Louis and

Bear asked us to come to a party at their sister's house today, but Dorothy says we had better not go, because it is raining, and we both have brand-new umbrellas that are quite cute, and Dorothy says she would not think of leaving a brand-new umbrella in a French lady's hall, and it is no fun to hang on to an umbrella all the time you are at a party. So we had better be on the safe side and stay away. So we called up Louis and told him we had a headache, but we thanked him for all his hostess. hospitality, because it is the way all the French people like Louis and Robert are so hospitable to we Americans that really makes Paris so divine. End of Chapter 4, Part 2.

Chapter 5 Part 1 of Gentleman Prefer Blonds by Anita Luz. This Libravox recording is in the public domain, read by Jen Broda. Chapter 5 Part 1 The Central of Europe May 16th I really have not written in my diary for quite a long time because Mr. Isman arrived in Paris and when Mr. Isman is in Paris

we really do not seem to do practically anything else but the same thing. I mean we go shopping and we go to a show and we go to Mo Mart and when a girl is always going with Mr. Isman nothing practically happens. And I did not even bother to learn any more French, because I always seemed to think it is better to leave French to those that cannot do anything else but talk French. So finally, Mr. Isman seemed to lose

quite a lot of interest in all of my shopping. So he heard about a button factory that was for sale quite cheaply in Vienna, and as Mr. Isman is in the button profession, he thought it would be quite a good thing to have a button factory in Vienna, so he went to Vienna, and he said he did not care if he did not ever see the Rue de la Pais again. So he said if he thought Vienna would be good for a girl's brains, he would send for Dorothy and I, and we could meet him at Vienna and learn something, because Mr. Isman really wants me to get educated more than anything else, especially shopping. So now we have a telegram, and Mr. Isman says in the telegram for Dorothy and I to take an Oriental Express because we really ought to see the Central of Europe, because we American

girls have quite a lot to learn in the Central of Europe. So Dorothy says if Mr. Isman wants us to see the Central of Europe, she bets there is not a rue de lape in the whole Central of Europe. So Dorothy and I are going to take an Oriental Express tomorrow, and I really think it is quite unusual for two American girls like I and Dorothy to take an Oriental Express all alone, because it seems that in the Central of Europe they talk some other kinds of languages which we do not understand besides French. But I always think that there is nearly always some gentlemen who will protect two American girls like I and Dorothy, who are all alone and who are traveling in the Central of Europe to get educated. May 17th

So now we are on an Oriental Express, and everything seems to be quite unusual. I mean Dorothy and I got up this morning, and we looked out of the window of our compartment, and it was really quite unusual. Because it was farms, and we saw quite a lot of girls who seemed to be putting small-size haystacks onto large-sized haystacks while their husbands seemed to sit at a table under quite a shady tree and drink beer, or else their husband seemed to sit on a fence and smoke their pipe and watch them. So Dorothy and I looked at two girls who seemed to be plowing a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of, all of the ground with only the aid of a cow. And Dorothy said, I think we girls have gone one step

too far away from New York, because it begins to look to me as if the Central of Europe is no country for we girls. So we both became quite worried. I mean, I became quite depressed, because if this is what Mr. Isman thinks we American girls ought to learn, I really think it is quite depressing. So I do not think we care to meet any gentlemen who have been born and raised in the Central of Europe. I mean, the more I travel, and the more I seem to see other gentlemen, the more I seem to think of American gentlemen. So now I am going to get dressed and go to the dining car and look for some American gentlemen and hold a conversation, because I really feel so depressed. I mean, Dorothy keeps trying to depress me, because she keeps saying that I will probably end up in a farm in the Central of Europe

doing a sister act with a plow. Because Dorothy's jokes. are really very unrefined, and I think that I will feel much better if I go to the dining car and have some luncheon. Well, I went to the dining car, and I met a gentleman who was quite a delightful American gentleman. I mean, it was quite a coincidence, because we girls have always heard about Henry Spofford, and it was really nobody else but the famous Henry Spofford, who is the famous Spofford family, who is a very, very fine old family, who is very, very wealthy. I mean, Mr. Spofford is one of the most famous families in New York, and he is not like most gentlemen who are wealthy, but he works all of the time for the good of others. I mean, he is the gentleman who always gets his picture in all of the newspapers because he is always censuring all of the plays that are not good for people's morals.

And all of we girls remember the time when he was in the Ritz for luncheon, and he met a gentleman friend of his, and the gentleman friend had Peggy Hopkins Joyce to luncheon, and he introduced Peggy Hopkins Joyce to Mr. Spofford, and Mr. Spofford turned on his heels and walked away, because Mr. Spofford is a very, very famous Presbyterian, and he is really much too Presbyterian to meet Peggy Hopkins Joyce. I mean, it is unusual to see a gentleman who was such a young gentleman as Mr. Spofford, be so Presbyterian, because when most gentlemen are 35 years of age, their minds nearly always seem to be on something else. So when I saw no one else but the famous Mr. Spofford, I really became quite thrilled, because all of we girls have tried very hard to have an

introduction to Henry Spofford, and it was quite unusual to be shut up on a train in the central of Europe with him. So I thought it would be quite unusual for a girl like I to have a friendship with a gentleman like Mr. Spofford, who really does not even look at a girl unless she at least looks like a Presbyterian, and I mean our family and Little Rock were really not so Presbyterian. So I thought I would sit at his table. So then I had to ask him about all of the money, because all of the money they use in the Central of Europe has not even got so much sense to it as the kind of Franks they use in Paris, because it seems to be called Crohn's, and it seems to take quite a lot of them, because it takes 50,000 of them to even buy a small-sized package of cigarettes. And Dorothy says if the

cigarettes had tobacco in them, we couldn't lift enough cronins over a counter to pay for a package. So this morning, Dorothy and I asked the porter to bring us a bottle of champagne, and we really did not know what to give him for a tip. So Dorothy said for me to take one of the things called a one million cronins, and she would take one of them called a one million cronins, and I would give him mine first, and if he gave me quite a dirty look, she would give him hers. So after we paid for the bottle of champagne, I gave him my one million cronins, and before we could do anything else, he started into grabbing my hand and kissing my hand and getting down on his knees, so we finally had to push him right out of the compartment. So one million cronins seemed to be enough.

So I told Mr. Spofford how we did not know what to give the porter when he brought us our bottle of mineral water, so that I asked him to tell me all about all of the money, because I told him I always seemed to think that a penny earned was a penny saved. So it really was quite unusual, because Mr. Spofford said that that was his favorite motto. So then we got to talking quite a lot, and I told him that I was traveling to get educated, and I told him I had a girl with me who I was trying to reform. because I thought if she would put her mind more on getting educated, she would get more reformed. Because after all, Mr. Spofford will have to meet Dorothy sooner or later, and he might wonder what a refined girl like I was doing with a girl like Dorothy.

So Mr. Spofford really became quite intrigued, because Mr. Spofford loves to reform people, and he loves to censure everything, and he really came over to Europe to look at all the things that Americans come over to Europe to look at, when they really should not look at them, but they should look at all of the museums instead. Because if that is all we Americans come to Europe to look at, we should stay home and look at America first. So Mr. Spofford spends all of his time looking at things that spoil people's morals. So Mr. Spofford really must have very, very strong morals, or else all the things that spoil other people's morals would spoil his morals. But they do not seem to spoil Mr. Spofford's morals, and I really think it is one.

wonderful to have such strong morals. So I told Mr. Spofford that I thought that civilization is not what it ought to be, and we really ought to have something else to take its place. So Mr. Spofford said that he would come to call on Dorothy and I in our compartment this afternoon, and we would talk it all over if his mother does not seem to need him in her compartment, because Mr. Spofford's mother always travels with Mr. Spofford, and he never does anything unless he tells his mother all about it and asks his mother if he ought to. So he told me that that is the reason he has never got married, because his mother does not think that all of the flappers we seem to have nowadays are what a young man ought to marry when a young man is full of so many morals

as Mr. Spofford seems to be full of. So I told Mr. Spofford that I really felt just like his mother feels about all of the flappers because I am an old-fashioned girl. So then I got to worrying about Dorothy quite a lot, because Dorothy is really not so old-fashioned, and she might say something in front of Mr. Spofford that might make Mr. Spofford wonder what such an old-fashioned girl as I was doing with such a girl as Dorothy. So I told him how I was having quite a hard time reforming Dorothy, and I would like to have him meet Dorothy, so he could tell me if he really thinks I am wasting quite a lot of time, trying to reform a girl like Dorothy. So then he had to go to his mother. So I really hope that Dorothy

will act more reform than she usually acts in front of Mr. Spofford. Well, Mr. Spofford just left our compartment, so he really came to pay a call on us after all. So Mr. Spofford told us all about his mother, and I was really very, very intrigued, because if Mr. Spofford and I become friendly, he is the kind of gentleman that always wants a girl to meet his mother. I mean, if a girl gets to know what kind of a mother a gentleman's mother is like, she really knows more what kind of a conversation to use on a gentleman's mother when she meets her. Because a girl like I is really always on the verge of meeting gentlemen's mothers. But such an unrefined girl as Dorothy is really not the kind of girl that ever meets gentlemen's mothers. So Mr. Spofford says his mother has to have him

take care of her quite a lot, because Mr. Spofford's mother's brains have never really been so strong. Because it seems his mother came from such a very fine old family that even when she was quite a small-sized child, she had to be sent to a school that was a special school for people of very fine old families who had to have things very easy on their brain. So she still has to have things very easy on her brain, so she has a girl who has called her companion who goes with her everywhere, who is called Miss Chapman. Because Mr. Spofford says that there is always something new going on in the world, which they did not get a chance to tell her about at the school. So now Miss Chapman keeps telling her instead. Because how would she know what to think about such a new thing

as a radio, for instance, if she did not have a Miss Chapman to tell her what it was, for instance? So Dorothy spoke up, and Dorothy said, what a responsibility that girl has got on her shoulders. For instance, what if Miss Chapman told her a radio with something to build a fire in, and she would get cold someday and stuff it full of papers and light it? But Mr. Spofford told Dorothy that Miss Chapman would never make such a mistake, because he said that Miss Chapman came from a very, very fine old family herself, and she had a very fine brain. So Dorothy said,

If she really has got such a fine brain, I bet her fine old family once had an ice man who could not be trained. trusted. So Mr. Spofford and I did not pay any more attention to Dorothy, because Dorothy really does not know how to hold a conversation. So then I and Mr. Spofford held a conversation all about morals, and Mr. Spofford says he really thinks the future of everything is between the hands of Mr. Blank, the district attorney who is now the famous district attorney who is closing up all the places in New York where they sell all of the liquor. So Mr. Spofford said that a few months, ago, when Mr. Blank decided he would try to get the job to be the district attorney, he put

$1,000 worth of liquor down his sink. So now Mr. Blank says that everybody else has got to put it down their sink. So Dorothy spoke up, and Dorothy said, if he poured $1,000 worth down his sink to get himself $1 million worth of publicity and a good job, when we pour it down our sink, what do we get? But Mr. Spofford is too brainy a gentleman to answer any such a foolish question. So he gave Dorothy a look that was full of dignity, and he said he would have to go back to his mother. So I was really quite angry at Dorothy. So I followed Mr. Spofford down the hall of the railway train, and I asked Mr. Spofford if he thought I was wasting quite a lot of time reforming a girl like Dorothy. So Mr. Spofford thinks I am, because he really thinks a girl like.

Dorothy will never have any reference. So I told Mr. Spofford I had wasted so much time on Dorothy, it would really break my heart to be a failure. So then I had tears in my eyes. So Mr. Spofford is really very, very sympathetic, because when he saw that I did not have any handkerchief, he took his own handkerchief, and he dried up all of my tears. So then he said he would help me with Dorothy quite a lot and get her mind to running on things that are more educational. So then he said he thought that we ought to get off the train at a place called Munich, because it was very full of art, which they call Kunst in Munich, which is very, very educational. So he said he and Dorothy and I would get off of the train in Munich because he could send his mother right on to Vienna with Miss Chapman, because every place

always seems to look alike to his mother anyway. So we are all going to be. So we are all going to to get off the train at Munich, and I can send Mr. Isman a telegram when nobody is looking, because I really do not think I will tell Mr. Spofford about Mr. Isman, because after all, their religions are different, and when two gentlemen have such different religions, they do not seem to have so much to get congenial about. So I can telegraph Mr. Isman that Dorothy and I thought we would get off the train at Munich to look at all of the art. So that I went back to Dorothy, and I told Dorothy if she did not have anything to say in the future, to not say it. Because even if Mr. Spofford is a fine old family, and even if he is very Presbyterian,

I and he could really be friendly after all and talk together quite a lot. I mean Mr. Spofford likes to talk about himself quite a lot, so I said to Dorothy, it really shows that, after all, he is just like any other gentleman. But Dorothy said she would demand more proof than that. So Dorothy says she thinks that maybe I might become quite friendly with Mr. Spofford, and especially with his mother, because she thinks his mother and I have quite a lot in common. But she says, if I ever bump into Miss Chapman, she thinks I will come to a cropper, because Dorothy saw Miss Chapman when she was at a luncheon,

and Dorothy says Miss Chapman is the kind of a girl that wears a collar and a tie, even when she is not on horseback. And Dorothy said it was the look that Miss Chapman gave her at luncheon that really gave her the idea about the Iceman. So Dorothy says she thinks Miss Chapman has got three-thirds of the brains of that trio of Jigens, because Jigens is the slang word that Dorothy has thought up to use on people who are society people. Because Dorothy says she thinks any gentleman with Mr. Spofford's brains ought to spend his time putting nickels into an electric piano, but I did not even bother to talk back at such a girl as Dorothy. So now we must get ready to get off the train when the train gets to Munich, so that we can look at all of the Koonst in Munich. May 19th Well, yesterday Mr. Spofford and I and Dorothy got off the train at Munich to see all the Kuntz in Munich.

But you only call it Munich when you are on the train, because as soon as you get off of the train, they seem to call it Munchen. So you really would know that Munchin was full of Kuntz, because in every case that you would not know it, they have painted the word Kuntz in large-sized black letters on everything in Munchin, and you cannot even see a boots-black stand in Muncheon that is not full of Kuntz. So Mr. Spofford said that we really ought to go to the theater in Munchin, because even the theater in Munchin was full of Kuntz. So we looked at all of the bills of all of the theaters, with the aid of quite a while.

an intellectual hotel clerk, who seemed to be able to read it and tell us what it said, because it really meant nothing to us. So it seems they were playing Kiki in Munchen, so I said, let us go and see Kiki, because we have seen Lenore Ulrich in New York, and we would really know what it was all about, even if they do not seem to talk the English language. So then we went to the Kuntz Theater. So it seems that Munchen is practically full of Germans, and the lobby of the Kunst Theater was really full of Germans who stand in the lobby and drink beer and eat quite a lot of Bermudian onions and garlic sausage and hard-boiled eggs and beer before all of the acts. So I really had to ask Mr. Spofford if he thought we had

come to the right theater, because the lobby seemed to smell such a lot. I mean, when the smell of beer gets to be antique, it gets to smell quite a lot. But Mr. Spofford seemed to to think that the lobby of the Kuntz Theater did not smell any worse than all of the other places in Munich. So then Dorothy spoke up, and Dorothy said, You can say what you want about the Germans being full of Kuntz, but what they are really full of is Delicatesin. So then we went into the Kuntz Theater, but the Kuntz Theater does not seem to smell so good as the lobby of the Kuntz Theater.

And the Kuntz Theater seems to be decorated with quite a lot of what tripe would look like if it was pasted on the wall and gilded. Only you could not really see the gilding because it was covered with quite a lot of dust. So Dorothy looked around and Dorothy said, If this is Kunst, the art center of the world is Union Hill, New Jersey. So then they started into playing Kiki, but it seems that it was not the same kind of Kiki that we have in America, because it seemed to be all about a family of large-sized German people who seemed to keep getting in each other's ways. I mean, when a stage is completely full of two or three German people who are quite large size, they really cannot help it if they seem to get in each other's ways. So then Dorothy

got to talking with a young gentleman, who seemed to be a German gentleman who sat back of her, who she thought was applauding. But what he was really doing was cracking a hard-boiled egg on the back of her chair. So he talked English with quite an accent that seemed to be quite a German accent, so Dorothy asked him if Kiki had come out on the stage yet. So he said no, but she was really a beautiful German actress who came clear from Berlin, and he said we should really wait until she came out, even if we did not seem to understand it. So finally, she came out. I mean, we knew it was her because Dorothy's gentleman friend nudged Dorothy with a sausage. So we looked at her and we looked her, and Dorothy said, if Schumann Heinka still has a grandmother, we have dug her up in Munchen.

So we did not bother to see any more of Kiki, because Dorothy said she would really have to know more about the foundations of that building before she would risk our lives to see Kiki do that famous scene where she faints in the last act. Because Dorothy said, if the foundations of that building were as antique as the smell, there was going to be a catastrophe when Kiki hit the floor. So even Mr. Spofford was quite discouraged, but he was really glad because he said he was 100% of an American, and it served the Germans right for starting such a war against all we Americans. May 20th Well, today Mr. Spofford is going to take me all around to all of the museums in Muncheon,

which are full of kunst that I really ought to look at. But Dorothy said she had been punished for all of her sins last night, so now she is going to begin life all over again by going out with her German gentleman friend, who is going to take her to a house called the Half-Brow House, which is the world's largest size of a beer hall. So Dorothy said I could be a high-brow and get full of Kuntz, but she is satisfied to be a half-brow and get full of beer. But Dorothy will really never be full of anything else, but unrefinement. End of Chapter 5 Part 1 Chapter 5 Part 2 of Gentlemen Prefer Blonds by Anita Luz

This Librevox recording is in the public domain Read by Jen Broda Chapter 5 Part 2 May 21st Well, Mr. Spofford and I and Dorothy are on the train again and we are all going to Vienna. I mean, Mr. Spofford and I spent one whole day going through all of the museums in Munchin, but I am really not even going to think about it. Because when something terrible happens to me, I always try to be a Christian science, and I simply do not even think about it,

but I deny that it ever happened, even if my feet do seem to hurt quite a lot. So even Dorothy had quite a hard day in Munchin, because her German gentleman friend, who is called Rudolf, came for her at 11 o'clock to take her to breakfast. But Dorothy told him that she had had her breakfast. But her gentleman friend said that he had had his first breakfast too, but it was time for his second. So he took Dorothy to the half-brow house, where everybody eats white sausages and pretzels and beer at 11 o'clock. So after they had their white sausages and beer, he wanted to take her for a ride, but they could only go a few blocks, because by then it was time for luncheon. So they ate quite a lot of luncheon, and then he bought her a large-sized box of chocolates that were

full of liqueurs and took her to the matinee. So after the first act, Rudolph got hungry, and they had to go and stand in the lobby and have some sandwiches and beer. But Dorothy did not enjoy the show very much, and so after the second act, Rudolph said they would leave because it was time for tea anyway. So after quite a heavy tea, Rudolph asked her to dinner, and Dorothy Dorothy was too overcome to say no. So after dinner, they went to a beer garden for beer and pretzels. But finally, Dorothy began to come too, and she asked him to take her back to the hotel. So Rudolph said he would, but they had better have a bite to eat first. So today, Dorothy really feels just as discouraged as I seem to feel. Only Dorothy is not a Christian science,

and all she can do is suffer. But, in spite of all my Christian science, I am really beginning to feel quite discouraged about Vienna. I mean, Mr. Isman is in Vienna, and I do not see how I can spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Isman, and quite a lot of time with Mr. Spofford, and keep them from meeting one another, because Mr. Spofford might not seem to understand why Mr. Isman seems to spend quite a lot of money to get me educated. And Dorothy keeps trying to depress me about Miss Chapman, because she says she thinks that when Miss Chapman sees I and Mr. Spofford together, she thinks that Miss Chapman will cable for the family's favorite lunacy expert, so I have got to be as full of Christian science as I can, and always hope for the best. May 25th. So far everything has really worked out for the best,

because Mr. Isman is very, very busy all day with the button profession, and he tells me to run around with Dorothy all day. So I and Mr. Spofford run around all day. So then I tell Mr. Spofford that I really do not care to go all of the places that you go to at night, but I will go to bed and get ready for tomorrow instead. So then Dorothy and I go to dinner with Mr. Isman, and then we go to a show, and we stay up quite late at a cabaret called the Chappaut Rouge. and I am able to keep it all up with the aid of champagne. So if we keep our eye out for Mr. Spofford and do not all bump into one another when he is out looking at things that we Americans really should not look at, it will all work out for the best. I mean, I have even stopped Mr. Spofford looking at museums

because I tell him that I like nature better, and when you look at nature, you look at it in a horse and buggy in the park, and it is much easier on the feet. So now he is beginning to talk about how he would like me to meet his mother, so everything really seems for the best after all. But I have quite a hard time with Mr. Isman at night. I mean at night, Mr. Isman is in quite a state, because every time he makes an engagement about the Button Factory, it is time for all the gentlemen in Vienna to go to the coffee house and sit. Or else every time

he makes an engagement about the Button Factory, some Viennese gentleman gets the idea. to have a picnic, and they all put on short pants and bear knees, and they all put a feather in their hat, and they all walk to the Troll. So it really discourages Mr. Isman quite a lot. But if anyone ought to get discouraged, I think that I ought to get discouraged, because after all, when a girl has had no sleep for a week, a girl cannot help it if she seems to get discouraged. May 27th. Well, finally I broke down, and Mr. Spofford said that he thought a little girl like I, who was trying to reform the whole world, was trying to do too much, especially beginning on a girl like Dorothy. So he said there was a famous

doctor in Vienna called Dr. Freud, who could stop all of my worrying, because he does not give a girl medicine, but he talks you out of it by psychoanalysis. So yesterday he took me to Dr. Freud. So Dr. Freud and I had quite a long talk in the English language. So it seems that everybody seems to have a thing called inhibitions, which is when you want to do a thing and you do not do it. So then you dream about it instead. So Dr. Freud asked me what I seem to dream about. So I told him that I never really dream about anything. I mean, I use my brains so much in the daytime that at night they do not seem to do anything else but rest. So Dr. Freud, Freud was very, very surprised at a girl who did not dream about anything. So then he asked me about all my life. I mean, he is very, very sympathetic, and he seems to know how to draw a girl out quite a lot. I mean, I told him things that I really would not even put in my diary. So then he seemed very, very intrigued at a girl who always seemed to do everything she wanted to do. So he asked me if I really never wanted to do a thing that I did not do. For instance, did I ever want to do? For instance, did I

ever want to do a thing that was really violent, for instance? Did I ever want to shoot someone, for instance? So then I said, I had, but the bullet only went in Mr. Jennings' lung and came right out again. So then Dr. Freud looked at me and looked at me, and he said he did not really think it was possible. So then he called in his assistance, and he pointed at me and talked to his assistance quite a lot in the Viennese language. So then his assistance looked at me and looked at me, and it really seemed as if I was quite a famous case. So then Dr. Freud said that all I needed was to cultivate a few inhibitions and get some sleep. May 29th. Things are really getting to be quite a strain, because yesterday Mr. Spofford and Mr. Isman were both in the lobby of the Bristol Hotel,

and I had to pretend not to see both of them. I mean, it is quite an easy thing to pretend not to see one gentlemen, but it is a quite hard thing to pretend not to see two gentlemen. So something has really got to happen soon, or I will have to admit that things seem to be happening that are not for the best. So this afternoon, Dorothy and I had an engagement to meet Count Salm for tea at four o'clock, only you do not call it tea at Vienna, but you seem to call it Yowzer. and you do not drink tea at Vienna, but you drink coffee instead. I mean, it is quite unusual to see all of the gentlemen at Vienna stop work, to go to Yowser about one hour after they have all finished their luncheon. But time really does not seem to mean so much to Viennese gentlemen, except time to get to the coffee house,

which they all seem to know by instincts, or else they really do not seem to mind if they make a mistake and get there too early. Because Mr. Isman says that when it is time to attend to the button profession, they really seem to lose all of their interest until Mr. Isman is getting so nervous he could scream. So we went to Daimels and met Count Salm. But while we were having yowser with Count Salm, we saw Mr. Spofford's mother come in with her companion, Miss Chapman. And Miss Chapman seemed to look at me quite a lot and talk to Mr. Spofford's mother about me quite a lot. So I, I became quite nervous, because I really wished that we were not with Count Somme. I mean, it has been quite a hard thing to make Mr. Spofford think I am trying to reform Dorothy. But if I had to

try to make him think that I was trying to reform Count Somm, he might begin to think that there is a limit to almost everything. So Mr. Spofford's mother seems to be deaf, because she seems to use an ear trumpet, and I really could not help overhearing quite a lot of words that Miss Chapman was using on me, even if it is not such good etiquette to overhear people. So Miss Chapman seemed to be telling Mr. Spofford's mother that I was a creature, and she seemed to be telling her that I was the real reason why her son seemed to be so full of nothing but neglect lately. So then Mr. Spofford's mother looked at me, and looked at me, even if it was not such good etiquette to look at a person. And Miss Chapman kept right on talking to Mr. Spofford's mother, and I heard her mention Willie Gwynn,

and I think that Miss Chapman has been making some inquiries about me, and I really think that she has heard about the time when all of the family of Willie Gwyn had quite a long talk with me and persuaded me not to marry Willie Gwyn for $10,000. So I really wish Mr. Spofford would introduce me to his mother before she gets to be full of quite a lot of prejudice, because one thing seems to be piling up on top of another thing until I am almost on the verge of getting nervous, and I have not had any time yet to do what Dr. Freud said a girl ought to do.

So tonight I am going to tell Mr. Isman that I have got to go to bed early, so then I can take quite a long ride with Mr. Spofford and look at nature, and he may say something definite, because nothing makes gentlemen get so definite as looking at nature when it is moonlight. May 30th. Well, last night Mr. Spofford and I took quite a long ride in the park, but they do not call it a park in the Viennese language, but they call it a prater. So a prater is really divine, because it is just like Coney Island, but at the same time it is in the woods, and it is

practically full of trees, and it has quite a long road for people to take rides on in a horse and buggy. So I found out that Miss Chapman had been talking against me quite a lot, so it seems that she has been making inquiries about me, and I was really surprised to hear all of the things that Miss Chapman seemed to find out about me, except that she did not find out about Mr. Isman educating me. So then I had to tell Mr. Spofford that I was not always so reformed as I am now, because the world was full of gentlemen who were nothing but wolves in sheep clothes, that did nothing but take advantage of all we girls. So I really cried a lot. So then I told him how I was just a little girl from Little Rock when I first left Little Rock, and by that time,

even Mr. Spofford had tears in his eyes. So I told him how I came from a very, very good family, because Papa was very intellectual, and he was a very, very prominent elk, and everybody always said that he was a very intellectual elk. So I told Mr. Spofford that when I left Little Rock, I thought all of the gentlemen did not want to do anything but protect we girls, and by the time I found out that they did not want to protect us so much, it was too late. So then he cried quite a lot. So then I told him how I finally got reformed by reading all about him in the newspapers, and when I saw him in the Oriental Express, it really seemed to be nothing but the result of fate. So I told Mr. Spofford that I thought a girl was really more reformed if she knew

what it was to be unreformed than if she was born reformed and never really knew that was the matter with her. So then Mr. Spofford reached over, and he kissed me on the forehead in a way that was full of reverence, and he said I seemed to remind him quite a lot of a girl who got quite a write-up in the Bible, who was called Magdalene. So then he said that he used to be a member of the choir himself, so who was he to cast the first rock at a girl like I? So we rode around in the Prater until it was quite late, and it really was divine, because it was moonlight, and it was moonlight, and and we talked quite a lot about morals. And all the bands in the Prater were all playing in the distance, Mama Love Papa, because Mama Love Papa has just reached Vienna, and they all seemed to be crazy

about Mama Love Papa, even if it is not so new in America. So then he took me home to the hotel. So everything always works out for the best, because this morning Mr. Spofford called up and told me he wanted me to meet his mother. So I told him I would like to have luncheon alone with his mother, because we could have quite a little tete-a-tete if there was only two of us. So I told him to bring his mother to our room for luncheon, because I thought that Miss Chapman could not walk into our room and spoil everything. So he brought his mother down to our sitting room, and I put on quite a simple little organdy gown that I had ripped all of the trimming off of, and I had a pair of black lace mitts that Dorothy used to wear in the follies, and I had a pair of shoes that did not have any heels on them.

So when he introduced us to each other, I dropped her a curtsy, because I always think it is quite quaint when a girl drops quite a lot of curtsies. So then he left us alone, and we had quite a little talk, and I told her that I did not seem to like all of the flappers that we seem to have nowadays, because I was brought up to be more old-fashioned. So then Mr. Spofford's mother told me, that Miss Chapman said that she had heard that I was not so old-fashioned. But I told her that I was so old-fashioned, that I was always full of respect for all of my elders, and I would not dare to tell them everything they ought to do, like Miss Chapman seems to tell her everything she ought to do, for instance. So then I ordered luncheon, and I thought some champagne would make her feel

quite good for luncheon, so I asked her if she liked champagne. So she really likes champagne very, very much, but Miss Chapman thinks it is not so nice for a person to drink liquor. But I told her that I was a Christian science, and all of we Christian science seemed to believe that there cannot really be any harm in anything, so how can there be any harm in a small-sized bottle of champagne? So she never seemed to look at it in that kind of a light before, because she said that Miss Chapman believed in Christian science also, but what Miss Chapman believed about things that were good for you to drink seemed to apply more towards water. So then we had luncheon, and she began to feel very, very good. So I thought that we had better have another bottle of champagne, because I told her that I was such an

ardent Christian science that I did not believe there could be any harm in two bottles of champagne. So we had another bottle of champagne, and she became very intrigued about Christian science, because she said that she really thought it was a better religion than Presbyterians. So she said Miss Chapman used to try to get her to use it on things. But Miss Chapman never seemed to have such a large-sized grasp of the Christian science religion as I seemed to have. So then I told her that I thought Miss Chapman was jealous of her good looks. So then she said that that was true,

because Miss Chapman would always make her wear hats that were made out of black horse's hair because horse's hair does not weigh so much on a person's brain. So I told her I was going to give her one of my hats that has got quite large-sized roses on it. So then I got it out, but we could not get it on her head because hats are quite small on account of hair being bobbed. So I thought I would get the scissors and bob her head, but then I thought I had done enough to her for one day. So Henry's mother said I was really the most sunshine that she had ever had in all her life, and when Henry came back to take his mother up to her room, she did not want to go. But after he got her away, he called me up on the telephone, and he was quite excited, and he said he wanted to ask me something that was very,

very important. So I said I would see him tonight. But now I have got to see Mr. Isman, because I have an idea about doing something that is really, really important that has got to be done at once. May 31st. Well, I and Dorothy and Mr. Isman are on a train going to a place called Budapest. So I did not see Henry again before I left, but I left him a letter, because I thought it would be a quite good thing if what he wanted to ask me he would have to write down instead of asking me, and he could not write it to me if I was in the same city that he is in. So I told him in my letter that I had to leave in five minutes time, because I found out that Dorothy was just on the verge of getting very unreformed, and if I did not get her away, all I had done for her would really go for nothing.

So I told him to write down what he had to say to me, and mail it to me at the Ritz Hotel in Budapest, because I always seemed to believe in the old adage, say it in writing. So it was really very easy to get Mr. Isman to leave Vienna, because yesterday he went out to see the Button Factory, but it seems that all of the people at the Button Factory were not at work, but they were giving a birthday party to some saint. So it seems that every time some saint has a birthday, they all stop work so they can give it a birthday party. So Mr. Eisman looked at their calendar and found out that some saint or other was born practically every week in the year, so he has decided that America is good enough for him. So Henry will not be able to follow me

to Budapest because his mother is having treatments by Dr. Freud, and she seems to be a much more difficult case than I seem to be. I mean, it is quite hard for Dr. Freud, because she cannot seem to remember which is a dream and which really happened to her. So she tells him everything, and he has to use his judgment. I mean, when she tells him that a very, very handsome young gentleman tried to flirt with her on Fifth Avenue, he uses his judgment. So we will soon be at a return. hotel again, and I must say it will be delightful to find a Ritz hotel right in the central of Europe. June 1st Well, yesterday Henry's letter came, and it says in black and white that he and his mother have

never met such a girl as I, and he wants me to marry him. So I took Henry's letter to the photographers, and I had quite a lot of photographs taken of it, because a girl might lose Henry's letter, and she would not have anything left to remember him by. But Dorothy says to hang on to Henry's letter, because she really does not think the photographs do it justice. So this afternoon I got a telegram from Henry, and the telegram says that Henry's father is very, very ill in New York, and they have got to leave for New York immediately, and his heart is broken not to see me again, and to send him my answer by telegraph, so that his mind will be rested while he is going to back to New York. So I sent him a telegram, and I accepted his proposal. So tonight I got another

telegram, and Henry says that he and his mother are very, very happy, and Henry's mother can hardly bear Miss Chapman anymore, and Henry says he hopes I will decide to come right back to New York and keep his mother quite a lot of company, because he thinks I can reform Dorothy more in New York any way, where there is prohibition and nobody can get anything to drink. So now I have got to make up my mind whether I really want to marry Henry after all, because I know too much to get married to any gentleman like Henry without thinking it all over. Because Henry is the kind of a gentleman who gets on a girl's nerves quite a lot, and when a gentleman has nothing else to do but get on a girl's nerves, there really seems to be a limit to almost everything. Because when a gentleman has a business, he has

an office, and he has to be there. But when a gentleman's business is only looking into other people's business, a gentleman is always on the verge of coming in and out of the house. And a girl could not really say that her own time was her own. And when Henry was not in and out of the house, his mother would always be in and out of the house, because she seems to think that I am so full of nothing but sunshine. So it is quite a problem, and I seem to be quite in a quandary, because it might really be better if Henry should happen to decide that he should not get married, and he should change his mind, and desert a girl, and then it would only be right if a girl should sue him for a breach of promise. But I really think whatever happens, that Dorothy and I had better get back to

New York, so I will see if Mr. Isman will send us back. I mean, I really do not think that Mr. Isman will mind us going back, because if he does, I will start shopping again, and that always seems to bring him to terms. But all the time I am going back to New York, I will have to try to make up my mind one way or another, because we girls really cannot help it if we have ideals. And sometimes my mind seems to get to running on things that are romantic. And I seem to think that maybe there is some place in the world where there is a gentleman who knows how to look and act like Count Somme and who has got money besides. And when a girl's mind gets to thinking about such a romantic thing, a girl's mind really does not seem to know whether to marry Henry or not.

End of Chapter 5, Part 2. Chapter 6, Part 1 of Gentleman Prefer Blonds by Anita Luz. This Libravox recording is in the public domain, read by Jen Broda. Chapter 6 Part 1. Brains are really everything. June 14th. Well, Dorothy and I arrived at New York yesterday because Mr. Eisman finally decided to send us home because he said that all of his button profession

would not stand the strain of educating me much more in Europe. So we separated from Mr. Isman in Budapest because Mr. Isman had to go to Berlin to look up all of his starving relatives in Berlin, who have done nothing but starve since the war. So he wrote me just before we sailed, and he said that he had dug up all his starving relatives, and he had looked them all over and decided not to bring them to America, because there was not one of his starving relatives who could travel on a railroad ticket without paying excess fare for overweight. So Dorothy and I took the boat, and all the way over on the boat,

I had to make up my mind whether I really wanted to marry the famous Henry H. Spofford or not, because he was waiting for me to arrive at New York, and he was so impatient that he could hardly wait for me to arrive at New York. But I have not wasted all of my time on Henry, even if I do not marry him, because I have some letters from Henry, which would come in very, very handy if I did not marry Henry. So Dorothy seems to agree with me quite a lot. So Dorothy seems to agree with me quite a lot. because Dorothy says the only thing she could stand being to Henry would be to be his widow at the age of 18. So coming over on the boat, I decided not to bother to meet any gentleman, because what good does it do to meet gentlemen when there is nothing to do on a boat but go shopping at a little shop where they do not have

anything that costs more than five dollars? And besides, if I did meet any gentleman on the boat, he would want to see me off the boat, and then we would bump into Henry. But then I heard that there was a gentleman on the boat who was quite a dealer in Unset Diamonds from a town called Amsterdam. So I met the gentleman, and we went around together quite a lot. But we had quite a quarrel the night before we landed, so I did not even bother to look at him when I came down the gangplank, and I put the Unset Diamonds in my handbag, so I did not have to declare them at customs. So Henry was waiting for me at the Customs, because he had come up from Pennsylvania to meet me, because their country estate is at Pennsylvania, and Henry's father is very, very ill at Pennsylvania.

So Henry has to stay there practically all of the time. So all of the reporters were at the customs, and they all heard about how Henry and I were engaged to one another, and they wanted to know what I was before I became engaged to Henry. so I told them that I was nothing but a society girl from Little Rock, Arkansas. So then I became quite angry with Dorothy, because one of the reporters asked Dorothy, when I made my debut in society at Little Rock, and Dorothy said I made my debut at the Elks' annual Street Fair and Carnival at the age of 15. I mean Dorothy never overlooks any chance to be unrefined, even when she is talking to literary gentlemen like reporters.

So Henry brought me to the apartment in his Rolls-Royce, and while we were coming to the apartment, he said he wanted to give me my engagement ring, and I really became all thrills. So he said that he had gone to Cartier's, and he had looked over all the engagement rings in Cartier's, and after he had looked them all over, he had decided that they were not half good enough for me. So then he took a box out of his pocket, and I really became intrigued. So then Henry said that when he looked at all of those large-sized diamonds, he really felt that they did not have any sentiment, so he was going to give me his class ring from Amherst College instead. So then I looked at him and looked at him, but I am too full of self-control to say

anything at this stage of the game, so I said it was really very sweet of him to be so full of nothing but sentiment. So then Henry said that he would have to go back to Pennsylvania to talk to his father about us getting married, because his father has really got his heart set on us not getting married. So I told Henry that perhaps if I would meet his father, I would win him over, because I always seem to win gentlemen over. But Henry says that that is just the trouble, because some girl is always winning his father over, and they hardly dare to let him go out of their sight, and they hardly dare to let him go to church alone, because the last time he went to church, alone, some girl won him over on the street corner, and he arrived back home with all of his pocket

money gone, and they could not believe him when he said that he had put it in the plate, because he has not put more than a dime in the plate for the last 50 years. So it seems that the real reason why his father does not want Henry to marry me is because his father says that Henry always has all of the fun, and every time Henry's father wants to have some fun of his own, Henry always stops him, Henry will not even let him be sick at a hospital where he could have some fun of his own, but he keeps him at home where he has to have a nurse Henry picked out for him, who is a male nurse. So all of his objections seem to be nothing but the spirit of reciprocity. But Henry says that all his objections cannot last much longer,

because he is nearly 90 years of age after all, and nature must take its course sooner or later. So Dorothy says, what a fool I am. to waste my time on Henry when I might manage to meet Henry's father, and the whole thing would be over in a few months, and I would practically own the state of Pennsylvania. But I do not think I ought to take Dorothy's advice, because Henry's father is watched like a hawk, and Henry himself is his power of attorney, so no good could really come of it after all. And after all, why should I listen to the advice of a girl like Dorothy, who traveled all over Europe and all she came home with was a bangle. So Henry spent the evening at the apartment, and then he had to go back to Pennsylvania to be there

Thursday morning, because every Thursday morning he belongs to a society who does nothing but censure all of the photo plays. So they cut out all of the pieces of all the photo plays that show things that are too risque that people ought not to look at. So then they put all of the pieces of the photo plays, that show things that are too risque that people ought not to look at. So then they put all of the risky pieces together, and they run them over and over again. So it would really be quite a hard thing to drag Henry away from one of his Thursday mornings, and he can hardly wait from one Thursday morning to another, because he really does not seem to enjoy anything so much as censuring photo plays, and after a photo play has once been censured, he seems to lose all of his interest in it.

So after Henry left, I helped quite a conversation with Lulu, who is my maid, and who looked out for my apartment while I was away. So Lulu really thinks I ought to marry Mr. Spofford after all, because Lulu says that she kept studying Mr. Spofford all of the time she was unpacking my trunks, and Lulu says she is sure that any time I feel as if I had to get away from Mr. Spofford, I could just set him down on the floor and give him a packet of risque French postcards to censure, and stay away as long as I like. So Henry is going to arrange for me to come down to Pennsylvania for a weekend and meet all of his family. But if all of Henry's family are as full of reforms as Henry seems to be, it will be quite an ordeal, even for a girl like I. June 15th.

Yesterday morning was quite an ordeal for a refined girl, because all of the newspapers all printed the story of how Henry and I are engaged to one another, but they all seemed to leave out the part about me being a society girl, except one newspaper, and that was the newspaper that quoted what Dorothy said about me being a debutante at the Elks Carnival. So I called up Dorothy at the Ritz, and I told Dorothy that a girl like she ought to keep her mouth closed in the presence of reporters. So it seems that quite a lot of reporters kept calling Dorothy up. But Dorothy said she did not say anything to any of them, except one reporter asked her what I used for money, and she told him buttons.

But Dorothy really should not have said such a thing, because quite a few people seem to know that Mr. Isman is educating me, and that he is known all over Chicago as Gus Isman, the Button King, so one thing might suggest another until people's minds might begin to think something. But Dorothy said that she did not say anything more about me being a debutante at Little Rock, because after all, Dorothy knows that I really did not make any debut in Little Rock, because just when it was time to make my debut, my gentleman friend, Mr. Jennings, became shot, and after the trial was over and all of the jury had let me off, I was really much too fatigued to make any debut. So then Dorothy said,

why don't we throw you a party now and you can become a debutante now and put them all in their place because it seems that Dorothy is dying for a party. So that is really the first sensible suggestion that Dorothy has made yet, because I think that every girl who is engaged to a gentleman who has a fine old family like Henry had really ought to be a debutante. So I told her to come right over and we would plan my debut, but we would keep it very, very quiet and give it tomorrow night, because if Henry heard I was making my debut, he would come up from Pennsylvania, and he would practically spoil the party, because all Henry has to do to spoil a party is to arrive at it. So Dorothy came over, and we planned my debut. So first we decided to have some

engraved invitations engraved, but it always takes quite a little time to have invitations engraved, and it would really be foolish, because all of the gentlemen we were going to invite to my debut were all members of the racket club, so I could just write out and notice that I was having a debut and give it to Willie Gwyn and have Willie Gwynn posted on the racquet club board. So Willie Gwynn posted it on the club board, and then he called me up and he told me that he had never seen so much enthusiasm since the Dempsey Furbo fight, and he said that the whole racket club would be there in a body. So then we had to plan what girl we would ask to my debut, because I have not seemed to meet so many society women yet,

because of course a girl does not meet society women until her debut is all over, and then all the society women all come and call on a debutante. But I know practically all of the society men, because practically all of the society men belong to the racket club. So after I have the racket club at my debut, all I have to do to take my real place in society, is to meet their mothers and sisters, because I know practically all of their sweethearts now. But I always seem to think that it is delightful to have quite a lot of girls at a party,

if a girl has quite a lot of gentlemen at a party, and it is quite delightful to have all of the girls from the follies. But I really could not invite them, because after all, they are not in my set. So then I thought it all over, and I thought that even if it was not etiquette to invite them to a party, It really would be etiquette to hire them to come to a party and be entertainers. And after they were entertainers, they could mix into the party, and it really would not be a social error. So then the telephone rang, and Dorothy answered it, and it seems that it was Joe Sanguinetti, who is almost the official bootlegor for the whole racket club. And Joe said he had heard about my debut, and if he could come to my debut and bring his club,

which is the Silver Spray Social Club of Brooklyn, he would supply all of the liquor, and he would guarantee to practically run the rum fleet up to the front door. So Dorothy told him he could come, and she hung up the telephone before she told me his proposition, and I became quite angry with Dorothy, because after all, the Silver Spray Social Club is not even mentioned in the Social Register, and it has no place at a girl's debut.

But Dorothy said by the time the party got into swing, anyone would have to be a genius if he could tell whether he belonged to the racket club, the Silver Spray Social Club, or the Knights of Pythias. But I really was almost sorry that I asked Dorothy to help plan my debut, except that Dorothy is very good to have at a party if the police come in, because Dorothy always knows how to manage the police, and I never knew a policeman yet who did not finish up by being madly in love with Dorothy. So then Dorothy called up all of the reporters on all of the newspapers and invited them all to my debut so they could see it with their own eyes.

So Dorothy says that she is going to see to it that my debut lands on the front page of all the newspapers if we have to commit a murder to do it. June 19th Well, it has been three days since my debut party started, but I finally got tired and left the party last night. and went to bed because I always seemed to lose all of my interest in a party after a few days. But Dorothy never loses her interest in a party, and when I woke up this morning, Dorothy was just saying goodbye to some of the guests. I mean, Dorothy seems to have quite a lot of vitality, because the last guests of the party were guests we picked up when the party went to take a swim at Long Beach the day before yesterday, and they were practically fresh. But Dorothy had gone

clear through the party from beginning to end without even stopping to take a Turkish bath as most of the gentlemen had to do. So my debut has really been very novel, because quite a lot of the guests who finished up at my debut were not the same guests that started out at it, and it is really quite novel for a girl to have so many different kinds of gentlemen at her debut. So it has really been a very great success, because all of the newspapers have quite a lot of write-ups about my debut, and I really feel quite proud when I saw the front page of the Daily Views, and it said in large-size headlines, Lorelice debut, a wow. And Sitz Weekly came right out and said that if this party marks my entrance into society, they only hope that they can live to see what I will spring

once I have overcome my debutante reserve and taken my place in the world. So I really had to apologize to Dorothy about asking Joe Sanguinetti to my debut, because it was wonderful the way he got all of the liquor to the party, and he more than kept his word. I mean, he had his bootlegers run up from the wharf and taxis right to the apartment, and the only trouble he had was once the bootlegers delivered the liquor, he could not get them to leave the party. So finally, there was quite a little quarrel because Willie Gwynne claimed that Joe's bootlegers were

snubbing the members of his club because they would not let the boys from the racket club sing in their quartet. But Joe's bootleggers said that the racket club boys wanted to sing songs that were unrefined while they wanted to sing songs about mother. So then everybody started to take sides, but the girls from the follies were all with Joe's bootleakers from the start because practically all we girls were listening to them with tears streaming from our eyes. So that made the racket club jealous, and one thing was a lot of the balles. And one thing, thing led to another until somebody rang for an ambulance and then the police came in. So Dorothy, as usual, won over all of the police. So it seems that the police all have orders

from Judge Schultzmeier, who is the famous judge who tries all of the prohibition cases, that any time they break into a party that looks like it was going to be a good party, to call him up, no matter what time of the day or night it is, because Judge Schultzmeier dearly loves a party. So the police called up Judge Schultzmyer, and he was down in less than no time. So during the party, both Joe San Guennetti and Judge Schultzmire fell madly in love with Dorothy. So Joe and the judge had quite a little quarrel, and the judge told Joe that if his stuff was fit to drink, he would set the law after him and confiscate it. But his stuff was not worth the while of any gentleman to confiscate who had any respect for his stomach, and he would not lower himself to confiscate.

it. So about nine o'clock in the morning, Judge Schultzmeyer had to leave the party and go to court to try all of the criminals who break all of the laws. So he had to leave Dorothy and Joe together, and he was very, very angry. And I really felt quite sorry for any person who went up before Judge Schultzmire that morning, because he gave everybody 90 days and was back at the party by 12 o'clock. So then he stuck to the party until we were all going down to Long Beach to take a swim day before yesterday, when he seemed to become unconscious, so we dropped him off at a sanatorium in Garden City. So my debut party was really the greatest success of the social season, because the second night of my debut party was the night when Willie Gwyn's sister was having a dance at the Gwynn estate

on Long Island, and Willie Gwynne said that all of the eligible gentlemen in New York were conspicuous by their absence at his sister's party, because they were all at my party. So it seems as if I am really going to be quite a famous hostess, if I can just bring my mind to the point of being Mrs. Henry Spofford, Jr. Well, Henry called up this morning, and Henry said he had finally got his father's mind so that he thought it was safe for me to meet him, and he was coming up to get me. this afternoon so that I can meet his family and see his famous old historical home at Pennsylvania. So then he asked about my debut party, which some of the Philadelphia papers seemed to mention. But I told him that my debut was really not so much planned as it was spontaneous,

and I did not have the heart to call him up at a moment's notice and take him away from his father at such a time for reasons which were nothing but social. So now I am getting ready to visit Henry's family, and I feel as if my whole future depends on it, because if I cannot stand Henry's family any more than I can stand Henry, the whole thing will probably come to an end in the law court. June 21st. Well, I am now spending the weekend with Henry's family at his old family manner outside of Pennsylvania, and I am beginning to think after all that there is something else in the world besides family. And I am beginning to think that family life is only fit for those who can stand it.

For instance, they always seem to get up very early in Henry's family. I mean, it really is not so bad to get up early when there is something to get up early about. But when a girl gets up early and there is nothing to get up early about, it really begins to seem as if there was no sense to it. So yesterday we all got up early, and that was when I met all of Henry's family, because Henry and I motored down to Pennsylvania, and everybody was in bed when we arrived, because it was after nine o'clock. So in the morning, Henry's mother came to my room to get me up in time for breakfast, because Henry's mother is very, very fond of me, and she always wants to copy all of my gowns, and so she always loves to look through all of my things to see what I have got. So she found a box of lacquer candies

that are full of liqueurs, and she was really very delighted. So I finally got to my dressed, and she threw the empty box away, and I helped her downstairs to the dining room. So Henry was waiting in the dining room with his sister, and that was when I met his sister. So it seems that Henry's sister has never been the same since the war, because she never had a man's collar and a necktie until she drove an ambulance in the war, and now they cannot get her to take them off, because ever since the armistice, Henry's sister seems to have the idea that regular women's clothes are effeminate. So Henry's sister seems to think of nothing but either horses or automobiles, and when she is not in a garage, the only other place she is happy is in a stable. I mean,

she really pays very little attention to all of her family, and she seems to pay less attention to Henry than anybody else, because she seems to have the idea that Henry's brains are not so virile. So then we all waited for Henry's father to come in, so that he could read the Bible out loud before breakfast. So then something happened that really was a miracle, because it seems that Henry's father has practically lived in a wheelchair for months and months, and his male nurse has to wheel him everywhere. So his male nurse wheeled him into the dining room in his wheelchair, and Henry said, Father, this is going to be your little daughter-in-law. And Henry's father took one good look at me, and got right out of his wheelchair and walked. So then everybody was very, very surprised. So then everybody was very

surprised. But Henry was not so surprised, because Henry knows his father like a book. So then they all tried to calm his father down, and his father tried to read out of the Bible, but he could hardly keep his mind on the Bible, and he could hardly eat a bite, because when a gentleman is as feeble as Henry's father is, he cannot keep one eye on a girl and the other on his cereal and cream without coming to grief. So Henry finally became quite discouraged, and he was a little bit of told his father he would have to get back to his room or he would have a relapse. So then the male nurse wheeled him back to his room, and it really was pathetic, because he cried like a baby. So I got to thinking over what Dorothy advised me about Henry's father, and I really got to thinking that if Henry's father

could only get away from everybody and have some time of his own, Dorothy's advice might not be so bad after all. So after breakfast, we all got ready to go to church. But Henry's sister does not go to church, because Henry's sister always likes to spend every Sunday in the garage, taking their Ford Farm truck apart and putting it back together again. And Henry says that what the war did to a girl like his sister is really worse than the war itself. So then Henry and his mother and I all went to church. So when we came home from church, we had luncheon, and it seems that luncheon. And it seems that luncheon, is practically the same as breakfast, except that Henry's father could not come down to luncheon, because after he met me, he contracted such a violent fever that they had to send for the doctor.

So in the afternoon, Henry went to prayer meeting, and I was left alone with Henry's mother so that we could rest up, so that we could go to church again after supper. So Henry's mother thinks I am nothing but sunshine, and she will hardly let me get out of her sight, because she hates to be by herself, because when she is by herself, her brains hardly seem to work at all. So she loves to try on all of my hats, and she loves to tell me how all the boys in the choir can hardly keep their eyes off her. So of course a girl has to agree with her, and it is quite difficult to agree with a person when you have to do it through an ear trumpet, because sooner or later your voice has to give out. So then supper turned out to be practically the same thing as luncheon, only by suppertime, all of the

novelties seemed to wear off. So then I told Henry that I had too much of a headache to go to church again, so Henry and his mother went to church, and I went to my room, and I sat down and thought, and I decided that life was really too short to spend it on being proud of your family, even if they did have a great deal of money. So the best thing for me to do is think up some scheme to make Henry decide not to marry me and take what I can get out of it and be satisfied. End of Chapter 6 Part 1 Chapter 6 Part 2 of Gentleman Prefer Blonds by Anita Luz. This Liprovox recording is in the public domain read by Jen Broda.

Chapter 6 Part 2 June 22nd. Well, yesterday I made Henry put me on the train at Philadelphia, and I made him stay at Philadelphia, so he could be near his father if his father seemed to take any more relapses. So I sat in my drawing room on the train, and I decided that the time had come to get rid of Henry at any cost. So I decided that the thing that discourages gentlemen more than anything else is shopping, because even if you were a time had come to get rid of Henry at any cost. So I decided that the thing that discourages gentlemen more than anything else is shopping. Because even Mr. Isman, who is practically born for we girls to shop on, and who knows just what to expect, often gets quite discouraged over all of my shopping. So I decided I would get to New York, and I would go to Cartier's and run up quite a large bill on Henry's credit, because after all, our engagement has been announced in all of the newspapers, and Henry's credit is really my credit. So while I was thinking it all over, there was a knock on the drawing room door. So I told him to come in, and it was a gentleman who said he had seen me

quite a lot in New York, and he had always wanted to have an introduction to me, because we had quite a lot of friends who were common. So then he gave me his card, and his name was on his card, and it was Mr. Gilbertson Montrose, and his profession is a scenario writer. So then I asked him to sit down and we held a literary conversation. So I really feel as if yesterday was a turning point in my life, because at last I have met a gentleman who is not only an artist, but who has got brains besides. I mean he is the kind of a gentleman that a girl could sit at his feet and listen to for days and days, and nearly always learn something or other, because after all, there is nothing that gives a girl more of a thrill than brains in a gentleman,

especially after a girl has been spending the weekend with Henry. So Mr. Montrose talked and talked all of the way to New York, and I sat there and did nothing else but listen. So according to Mr. Montrose's opinion, Shakespeare is a very great playwright, and he thinks that Hamlet is quite a famous tragedy. And as far as novels are concerned, he believes that everybody had ought to read Dickens.

And when we got on the subject of poetry, he recited, the shooting of Dan McRue, until you could almost hear the gun go off. And then I asked Mr. Montrose to tell me all about himself. So it seems that Mr. Montrose was on his way home from Washington, D.C., where he went to see the Bulgarian ambassador, to see if he could get Bulgaria to finance a scenario he has written, which is a great historical subject, which is founded on the sex life of Dolly Madison. So it seems that Mr. Montrose has met quite a lot of Bulgarians in a Bulgarian restaurant on Lexington Avenue, and that was what gave him the idea to get the money from Bulgaria, because Mr. Montrose said that he could fill his scenario full of Bulgarian propaganda,

and he told the Bulgarian ambassador that every time he realized how ignorant all of the American film fans were on the subject of Bulgaria, it made him flinch. So I told Mr. Montrose that it made me feel very, very small to talk to a gentleman like he, who knew so much about Bulgaria, because practically all I knew about Bulgaria was Zulak. So Mr. Montrose said that the Bulgarian ambassador did not seem to think that Dolly Madison had so much about her that was pertinent to present-day Bulgaria. But Mr. Montrose explained to him that that was because he knew practically nothing about dramatic construction. because Mr. Montrose said he could fix his scenario so that Dolly Madison would have one lover who was a

Bulgarian who wanted to marry her. So then Dolly Madison would get to wondering what her great, great-grandchildren would be like if she married a Bulgarian, and then she could sit down and have a vision of Bulgaria in 1925. So that was when Mr. Montrose would take a trip to Bulgaria to photograph the vision. But the Bulgarian ambassador turned down the whole proposition, but he gave Mr. Montrose quite a large-sized bottle of the Bulgarian National Drink. So the Bulgarian National Drink looks like nothing so much as water, and it really does not taste so strong, but about five minutes afterwards, you begin to realize your mistake. But I thought to myself that if realizing my mistake could make me forget what I went through in Pennsylvania, I really owed it to myself to forget everything. So then we had another drink. So then Mr. Montrose told me that he

had quite a hard time getting along in the motion picture profession, because all of his scenarios were all over their head. Because when Mr. Montrose writes about sex, it is full of psychology. But when everybody else writes about it, it is full of nothing but transparent negligence and ornamental bathtubs. And Mr. Montrose said that there is no future in the motion pictures until the motion pictures get their sex motives straightened out and realize that a woman of 25 can have just as many sex problems as a flapper of 16. Because Mr. Montrose likes to write about women of the world, and he refuses to have women of the world played by small-sized girls of 15 who know nothing about life and who have not even been in the detention home.

So we arrived in New York before we realized it, and I got to thinking how the same trip with Henry and his Rolls-Royce seemed like about 24 hours, and that was what gave me the idea that money was not everything, because after all, it is only brains that count. So Mr. Montrose took me home, and we are going to have luncheon together at the Primrose Tea Room practically every day and keep right on holding literary conversations. So then I had to figure out how to get rid of Henry, and at the same time not do anything that would make me any trouble later. So I sent for Dorothy, because Dorothy is not so good at intriguing a gentleman with money, but she ought to be full of ideas on how to get rid of one. So at first Dorothy said, why didn't I take a chance and marry Henry, because she had an idea that if Henry married me, he would commit suicide about two weeks later. but I told her about my plan to do quite a lot of shopping, and I told her that I would send for Henry, and I would manage it, so that I would not be in the apartment when he came, but she could be there and start a conversation with him, and she could tell him about all of my shopping and how extravagant I seemed to be, and he would be in the poor house in less than a year if he married me.

So Dorothy said for me to take one farewell look at Henry, and to leave him to her, because I was because the next time I saw him would be in the witness box, and I might not even recognize him, because she would throw a scare into him that might change his whole physical appearance. So I decided to leave him in the hands of Dorothy and hope for the best. July 10th. Well, last month was really almost a diary in itself, and I had to begin to realize that I am one of the kind of girls that things happened to, and I have to admit, after all, that life is really wonderful, because so much has happened in the last few weeks that it almost makes a girl's brains whirl. I mean, in the first place, I went shopping at Cartier's and bought quite a delightful square-cut emerald and quite a long rope of pearls on Henry's credit.

So then I called up Henry on the long-distance telephone and told him that I wanted to see him quite a lot, so he was very, very pleased, and he said that he would come right up to New York. So then I told Dorothy to come to the apartment and be there when Henry came, and to show Henry what I bought on his credit, and to tell him how extravagant I seemed to be, and how I seem to keep on getting worse. So I told Dorothy to go as far as she liked, so long as she did not insinuate anything against my character, because the more spotless my character seems to be, the better things might turn out later. So Henry was due at the apartment about 120, so I had Lulu get some luncheon for he and Dorothy, and I told Dorothy to tell him that I had gone out to look at the Russian crown jewels, that some Russian Grand Duchess or other had for sale at the Ritz. So then I went to the Primrose tea room to have luncheon with Mr. Montrose, because Mr. Montrose loves to tell me of all his plans, and he says that I seem to remind him quite a lot of a girl called Madame Ricameet.

who all the intellectual gentlemen used to tell all of their plans to, even when there was a French revolution going on all around them. So Mr. Montrose and I had a delicious luncheon, except that I never seemed to notice what I am eating when I am with Mr. Montrose, because when Mr. Montrose talks, a girl wants to do nothing but listen. But all of the time I was listening, I was thinking about Dorothy, and I was worrying for fear Dorothy would go too far and tell Henry something that would not be so good for me afterwards. So finally, even Mr. Montrose seemed to

notice it, and he said, what's the matter, little woman, a penny for your thoughts? So then I told him everything. So he seemed to think quite a lot, and finally he said to me, It is really too bad that you feel as if the social life of Mr. Spofford bored you, because Mr. Spofford would be ideal to finance my scenario. So then Mr. Monter, Montrose said that he had been thinking from the very first how ideal I would be to play Dolly Madison. So that started me thinking, and I told Mr. Montrose that I expected to have quite a large size amount of money later on, and I would finance it myself. But Mr. Montrose said that would be too late, because all of the motion picture corporations were after it now, and it would be snapped up almost immediately. So then I became almost in a panic, because I suddenly decided that if I married Henry and worked in

the motion pictures at the same time, society life would Henry would not really be so bad. Because if a girl was so busy as all that, it really would not seem to matter so much if she had to stand Henry when she was not busy. But then I realized what Dorothy was up to, and I told Mr. Montrose that I was almost afraid it was too late. So I hurried to the telephone. and I called up Dorothy at the apartment, and I asked her what she had said to Henry. So Dorothy said that she showed him the square-cut emerald, and told him that I bought it as a knick-knack to go with a green dress. But I had got a spot on the dress, so I was going to give them both to Lulu.

So she said she showed him the pearls, and she said that after I had bought them, I was sorry I did not get pink ones, because white ones were so common, so I was going to have Lulu unstring them and sew them on a negligee. So then she told him she was rather sorry I meant to buy the Russian crown jewels because she had a feeling they were unlucky, but that I had said to her that if I found out they were, I would toss them over my left shoulder into the Hudson River some night when there was a new moon, and it would take away the curse.

So then she said that Henry began to get restless. So then she told him she was very glad I was going to get married at last, because I had had such bad luck that every time I became engaged, something seemed to happen to my fiancé. So Henry asked her what, for instance? So Dorothy said a couple were in the insane asylum, one had shot himself for debt, and the county farm was taking care of the remainder. So Henry asked her how they got that way. So Dorothy told him it was nothing but my extreme.

and she told him that she was surprised that he had never heard about it, because all I had to do was take luncheon at the Ritz with some prominent broker, and the next day the bottom would drop out of the market. And she told him that she did not want to insinuate anything, but that I had dined with a very, very prominent German the day before German marks started to collapse. So I became almost frantic, and I told Dorothy to hold Henry at the apartment until I could get up there and explain. So I held the telephone while Dorothy went to see if Henry would wait. So Dorothy came back in a minute, and she said that the parlor was empty, but that if I would hurry down to Broadway, no doubt I would see a cloud of dust heading toward the Pennsylvania station,

and that would be Henry. So then I went back to Mr. Montrose, and I told him that I must catch Henry at the Pennsylvania station at any cost. And if anyone were to say that we left the Primrose Tea Room in a hurry, they would be putting it quite mildly. So we got to the Pennsylvania station, and I just had time to get on board the train to Philadelphia, and I left Mr. Montrose standing at the train biting his fingernails and all of his anxiety. But I called out to him to go to his hotel, and I would telephone the result as soon as the train arrived. So then I went through the train, and there was Henry with a look on his face, which I shall never forget. So when he saw me, he really seemed to

to shrink to half his natural size. So I sat down beside him, and I told him that I was really ashamed of how he acted, and if his love for me could not stand a little test that I and Dorothy had thought up, more in the spirit of fun than anything else, I never wanted to speak to such a gentleman again. And I told him that if he could not tell the difference between a real square-cut emerald and one from the ten-cent store, that he had ought to be ashamed of himself. And I told him that if he he thought that every string of white beads were pearls, it was no wonder he could make such a mistake in judging the character of a girl. So then I began to cry, because of all of Henry's lack of faith. So then he tried to cheer me up, but I was too hurt to even give him a decent word

until we were past Newark. But by the time we were past Newark, Henry was crying himself, and it always makes me feel so tender-hearted to listen to a gentleman cry that I finally forgave him. So, of course, as soon as I got home, I had to take them back to Cartier's. So then I explained to Henry how I wanted our life to mean something, and I wanted to make the world a better place than it seemed to have been yet. And I told him that he knew so much about the film profession on account of censuring all of the films that I thought he ought to go into the film profession, because I told him that a gentleman like he really owed it to the world to make pure films, so that he could be an example to all of the other film corporations and show the world

what pure films were like. So Henry became very, very intrigued because he had never thought of the film profession before. So then I told him that we could get H. Gilbertson Montrose to write the scenarios, and he to censure them, and I could act in them, and by the time we all got through, they would be a work of art. But they would be even pure than most work. of art seemed to be. So by the time we got to Philadelphia, Henry said that he would do it, but he really did not think I ought to act in them. But I told him from what I had seen of society women trying to break into the films, I did not believe that it would be so declassé if one of them really landed. So I even talked him into that. So when we got to Henry's country estate,

we told all of Henry's family, and they were all delighted, because it is the first time since the war that Henry's family have had anything definite to put their minds on. I mean, Henry's sister really jumped at the idea because she said she would take charge of the studio trucks and keep them at a bedrock figure. So I even promised Henry's mother that she could act in the films. I mean, I even believe that we could put in a close-up of her from time to time, because after all, nearly every photo play has to have some comedy relief. And I promised Henry's father that we would wheel him through the studio and let him look at all of the actresses, and he nearly had another relapse. So then I called up Mr. Montrose and made an appointment with him to meet Henry and talk it all over,

and Mr. Montrose said, bless you little woman. So I am almost beginning to believe it, when everybody says I am nothing but sunshine, because everybody I come into contract with always seems to become happy. I mean with the exception of Mr. I. because when I got back to New York, I opened all of his cablegrams, and I realized that he was due to arrive on the Aquitania the very next day. So I met him at the Aquitania, and I took him to luncheon at the Ritz, and I told him all about everything. So then he became very, very depressed, because he said that just as soon as he had got me all educated, I had to go off and get married. But I told him that he really ought to be very proud of me, because in the future, when he would see me at luncheon at the Ritz

as the wife of the famous Henry H. Spofford, I would always bow to him if I saw him, and he could point me out to all of his friends and tell them that it was he, Gus Eisman himself, who educated me up to my station. So that really cheered Mr. Isman up a lot, and I really do not care what he says to his friends, because after all, his friends are not in my set, and whatever he says to them will not get around in my circle. So after our luncheon was all over, I really think that, even if Mr. Isman was not so happy, he could not help having a sort of a feeling of relief, especially when he thinks of all my shopping. So after that came my wedding, and all of the society people in New York and Philadelphia came to my wedding, and they were all so sweet to me,

because practically every one of them has written a scenario. And everybody says my wedding was very, very beautiful. I mean, even Dorothy said it was very beautiful. Only Dorothy said she had to concentrate her mind on the massacre of the Armenians to keep herself from laughing right out loud in everybody's face. But that only shows that not even matrimony is sacred to a girl like Dorothy. And after the wedding was over, I overheard Dorothy talking to Mr. Montrose, and she was telling Mr. Montrose that she thought I would be great in the movies if he would write me apart that only had three expressions. Joy, sorrow, and indigestion.

So I do not really believe that Dorothy is such a true friend after all. So Henry and I did not go on any honeymoon, because I told Henry that it really would be selfish for us to go off alone together when all of our activities seem to need us so much. Because after all, I have to spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Montrose going over the scenario together because Mr. Montrose says I am full of nothing so much as ideas. So in order to give Henry something to do while Mr. Montrose and I are working on the scenario, I got Henry to organize a welfare league among all of the extra girls

and get them to tell him all of their problems so he can give them all of his spiritual age. and it has really been a very, very great success, because there is not much work going on at the other studios at present, so all of the extra girls have nothing better to do, and they all know that Henry will not give them a job at our studio unless they belong. So the worst they tell Henry they have been before they met him, the better he likes it. And Dorothy says that she was at the studio yesterday, and she says that if the scenarios those extra girls have written around themselves to tell Henry, could only be screened and gotten past the censors, the movies would move right up out of their infancy. So Henry says that I have opened up a whole new world for him, and he has never been so happy in his life. And it really seems as if everyone I know has never been so happy in their lives,

because I make Henry let his father come to the studio every day, because after all, every studio has to have somebody who seems to be a pest, and in our case, it might as well be Henry's father. So I have given orders to all of the electricians not to drop any lights on him, but to let him have a good time, because after all, it is the first one he has had. And as far as Henry's mother is concerned, she is having her hair bobbed and her face lifted and is getting ready to play Carmen, because she saw a girl called Madam Cav play it when she was on her honeymoon, and she has always really felt that she could do it better. So I do not discourage her, but I let her go ahead and enjoy herself. But I am not going to bother to speak to the electricians about Henry's mother. And Henry's sister has never been so happy since the Battle of Verdun,

because she has six trucks and 15 horses to look after, and she says that the motion picture profession is the nearest thing to war that she has struck since the armistice. And even Dorothy is very happy, because Dorothy says that she has had more loud, in this month, then Eddie Cantor gets in a year. And when it comes to Mr. Montrose, I really believe that he is happier than anybody else, because of all the understanding and sympathy he seems to get out of me. And so I am very happy myself, because after all, the greatest thing in life is to always be making everybody else happy. And so, while everybody is so happy, I really think it is a good time to finish my

diary, because after all, I am too busy going over my scenarios with Mr. Montrose to keep up any other kind of literary work. And I am so busy bringing sunshine into the life of Henry that I really think, with everything else I seem to accomplish, it is all a girl had ought to try to do. And so I really think that I can say goodbye to my diary, feeling that, after all, everything always turns out for the best. The end. End of chapter 6, part 2. End of Gentlemen Prefer Blonds by Anita Luz.