Classic Audiobook Collection - The Diary of a Nobody by George Grossmith ~ Full Audiobook [comedy]

Episode Date: April 6, 2023

The Diary of a Nobody by George Grossmith audiobook. Genre: comedy For ad-free listening try our premium subscription Chapters (Approximate) (00:00:00) Chapter 1 (00:00:51) Chapter 2 (00:08:14) Chapter 3 (00:21:21) Chapter 4 (00:34:10) Chapter 5 (00:46:04) Chapter 6 (01:02:33) Chapter 7 (01:12:58) Chapter 8 (01:24:13) Chapter 9 (01:36:05) Chapter 10 (01:43:33) Chapter 11 (01:50:41) Chapter 12 (02:05:59) Chapter 13 (02:14:10) Chapter 14 (02:27:01) Chapter 15 (02:42:20) Chapter 16 (02:50:29) Chapter 17 (02:57:19) Chapter 18 (03:02:54) Chapter 19 (03:18:55) Chapter 20 (03:27:59) Chapter 21 (03:38:33) Chapter 22 (03:50:09) Chapter 23 (04:08:49) Chapter 24 (04:19:58) Chapter 25 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The Diary of a Nobody by George and Weeden Grosssmith. Introduction Why should I not publish my diary? I have often seen reminiscences of people I have never even heard of, and I fail to see because I do not happen to be a somebody why my diary should not be interesting. My only regret is that I did not commence it when I was a youth. Charles Puter, the laurels, Brickfield Terrace, Holloway.

of introduction. The Diary of a Nobody by George and Weeden Grossmith, read for Librevox.org by Martin Clifton. Chapter 1 We settle down in our new home and I resolve to keep a diary. Tradesman trouble us a bit, so does the scraper. The curate calls and pays me a great compliment. My dear wife Carrie and I have just been a week in our new house, the Laurels, Brickfield Terrace, way, a nice six-roomed residence, not counting basement, with a front breakfast parlour. We have a little front garden and there is a flight of ten steps up to the front door, which, by the by, we keep locked with the chain up. Cummings, Guying and our other intimate friends always come to the little side entrance,

which saves the servant the trouble of going up to the front door, thereby taking her from her work. We have a nice little back garden which runs down to the railway. We were rather afraid of the noise of the trains at first, but the landlord said we should not notice them after a bit, and took two pounds off the rent. He was certainly right, and beyond the cracking of the garden wall at the bottom, we have suffered no inconvenience. After my work in the city I like to be at home. What's the good of a home if you are never in it? home, sweet home, that's my motto. I'm always in of an evening.

Our old friend going may drop in without ceremony. So may Cummings who lives opposite. My dear wife Caroline and I are pleased to see them if they drop in on us. But Carrie and I can manage to pass our evenings together without friends. There is always something to be done. A tintack here, a Venetian blind to put straight, a fan to nail up or part of a carpet to nail down. all of which I can do with a pipe in my mouth.

While Carey is not above putting a button on a shirt, mending a pillowcase, or practising the Sylvia Gavotte on our new cottage piano, on the three-year system, manufactured by W. Bilkson in small letters, from collard and collard in very large letters. It is also a great comfort to us to know that our boy, Willie, is getting on so well in the bank at Oldham.

We should like to see more of him. Now, for my diary. April 3rd, tradesman called for custom, and I promised Pharmason the ironmonger to give him a turn if I wanted any nails or tools. By the by, that reminds me there is no key to our bedroom door, and the bells must be seen to. The parlour bell is broken, and the front door rings up in the servant's bedroom, which is ridiculous. Dear friend Gowing dropped in, but wouldn't stay, saying there was an infernal smell of paint. April the 4th tradesman still calling Carrie being out I arranged to deal with Horwin

who seemed a civil butcher with a nice clean shop ordered a shoulder of mutton for tomorrow to give him a trial Carrie arranged with Borset the Butterman and ordered a pound of fresh butter and a pound and a half of salt ditto for the kitchen and a shillings worth of eggs In the evening Cummings and expected he dropped in to show me a mishon pipe he had won in a raffle in the city, and told me to handle it carefully,

as it would spoil the colouring if the hand was moist. He said he wouldn't stay, as he didn't care much for the smell of paint, and fell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else I shall get into a scrape. I don't often make jokes. April the 5th, two shoulders of mutton arrived, Carrie having arranged with another butcher, without consulting me. Gawing called and fell over a scraper coming in. Must get that scraper removed. April the 6th.

Eggs for breakfast simply shocking. Sent them back to Borset with my compliments, and he needn't call any more for orders. Couldn't find an umbrella, and though it was boring with rain, had to go without it. Sarah said Mr. Gowing must have took it by mistake last night, as there was a stick in the all that didn't belong to nobody.

In the evening hearing someone talking in a loud voice to the servant in the downstairs hall, I went out to see who it was and was surprised to find it was Borset, the Butterman, who was both drunk and offensive. Borset on seeing me said he would be hanged if he would ever serve city clerks anymore, the game wasn't worth the candle. I restrain my feelings and quietly remarked that I thought, it was possible for a city clerk to be a gentleman. He replied he was very glad to hear it, and wanted to know whether I had ever come across one, for he hadn't. He left the house,

slamming the door after him, which nearly broke the fanlight, and I heard him fall over the scraper, which made me feel glad I hadn't removed it. When he had gone, I thought of a splendid answer I ought to have given him. However, I will keep it for another occasion. seventh. Being Saturday, I looked forward to being home early and putting a few things straight. But two of our principals at the office were absent through illness, and I did not get home till seven. Found Borset waiting. He had been three times during the day to apologise for his conduct last night. He said he was unable to take his bank holiday last Monday, and took it last night instead. He begged me to accept his apology and a pound of fresh butter. He seems, after all,

a decent sort of fellow, so I gave him an order for some fresh eggs, with a request that on this occasion they should be fresh. I'm afraid we shall have to get some new stair carpets after all. Our old ones are not quite wide enough to meet the paint on either side. Carrie suggests that we might ourselves broaden the paint. I will see if we can match the color, dark chocolate, on Monday. April the 8th, Sunday, after church, the curate came back with us. I sent carry-in to open the front door, which we do not use except on special occasions. She could not get it open, and after all my display, I had to take the curate, whose name by

the by I did not catch, round the side entrance. He caught his foot in the scraper and tore the bottom of his trousers, most annoying as Carrie could not well offer to repair them on a Sunday. After dinner went to sleep, took a walk round the garden and discovered a beautiful spot for sewing mustard and cress and radishes. Went to church again in the evening, walked back with a curate. Carrie noticed he had got on the same pair of trousers only repaired. He wants me to take round the plate, which I think a great compliment. End of Chapter The Diary of a Nobody by George and Weeden Grossmith

Read for Librevox.org by Martin Clifton. Chapter 2 Tradesman and the Scraper still troublesome Gowing rather tiresome with his complaints of the paint I make one of the best jokes of my life Delights of gardening Mr Stillbrook Gowing Cummings and I Have a little misunderstanding

Sarah makes me look a fool before coming April 9th. Commence the morning badly. The butcher, whom we decided not to arrange with, called and blacketed me in the most uncalled-for manner. He began by abusing me and saying he did not want my custom. I simply said, then what are you making all this fuss about it for? And he shouted at the top of his voice so that all the neighbours could hear, Pah, go along, er. I could buy up things like you by the dozen. I shut the door and was giving Carrie to understand that this disgraceful scene was entirely her fault, when there was a violent kicking at the door enough to break the panels. It was the blackguard butcher again who said he had cut his foot over the

scraper, and would immediately bring an action against me. Called at Pharmacons, the ironmonger, on my way to town, and gave him the job of moving the scraper and repairing the bells, thinking it's scarcely worthwhile to trouble the landlord with such a trifling matter. Arrived home tired and worried. Mr Putley, a painter and decorator who had sent in a card, said he could not match the colour on the stairs as it contained Indian carmine. He said he spent half a day calling at warehouses to see if he could get it. He suggested he should entirely repaint the stairs.

It would cost very little more. If he tried to match it, he could only make a bad job of it. It would be more satisfactory to him and to us to have the work done properly. I consented, but felt I had been talked over. Planted some mustard and cress and radishes, and went to bed at nine. April the 10th. Pharmason came round to attend to the scraper himself. He seems a very civil fellow.

He says he does not usually conduct such small jobs personally, but for me he would do so. I thanked him and went to town. It is disgraceful how late some of the young clerks are at arriving. I told three of them that if Mr. Perkup, the principal, heard of it, they might be discharged. Pitt, a monkey of seventeen, who has only been with us six weeks, told me to keep my hair on.

I informed him that I had had the honour of being in the firm twenty years, to which he insolently replied that I looked it. I gave him an indignant look and said, I demand from you some respect, sir. He replied, all right, go on demanding. I would not argue with him any further. You cannot argue with people like that. In the evening, Gowing called and repeated his complaint

about the smell of paint. Gowing is sometimes very tedious with his remarks and not always cautious, and Cary once very properly reminded him that she was present. april the eleventh mustard and cress and radishes not come up yet to-day was a day of annoyances i missed the quarter to nine bus to the city through having words with the grocer's boy who for the second time had the impertinence to bring his basket to the hall door and had left the marks of his dirty boots on the fresh cleaned door-steps he said he had knocked the side door with his knuckles for quarter of an hour i knew sarah our servant could not hear this as she was up stairs doing the bedrooms, so asked the boy why he did not ring the bell. He replied that he did pull the bell, but the handle came off in his hand. I was half an hour late at the office, a thing that has never happened to me before. There has recently been much irregularity in the

attendance of the clerks, and Mr. Perk-up, our principal, unfortunately chose this very morning to pounce down upon us early. Someone had given the tip to the others. The result of The result was that I was the only one late of the lot. Buckling, one of the senior clerks, was a brick, and I was saved by his intervention. As I passed by Pitts-desk, I heard him remark to his neighbour, how disgracefully late some of our head clerks arrive. This was, of course, meant for me. I treated the observation with silence, simply giving him a look, which unfortunately had the effect of making both of the clerks laugh. Thought afterwards it would have been more signified if I had pretended not to have heard him at all.

Cummings called in the evening, and we played dominoes. April the 12th. Mustard and cress and radishes not come up yet. Left Pharmason repairing the scraper, but when I came home, found three men working. I asked the meaning of it, and Pharmason said that in making a fresh hole, he had penetrated the gas pipe. He said it was a most ridiculous place to put the gas pipe. and the man who did it evidently knew nothing about his business. I felt his excuse was no consolation

for the expense I should be put to. In the evening, after tea, Gowing dropped in, and we had a smoke together in the breakfast parlour. Carrie joined us later, but did not stay long, saying the smoke was too much for her. It was also rather too much for me, for Gowing had given me what he called a green cigar, one that his friend Schumack had just brought over from America. The cigar didn't look green, but I fancy I must have done so, for when I had smoked a little more than half, I was obliged to retire on the pretext of telling Sarah to bring in the glasses. I took a walk round the garden three or four times, feeling the need for fresh air. On returning, Gowing noticed I was not smoking, offered me another cigar which I politely declined.

Gawain began his usual sniffing, so, anticipating him, I said, You're not going to complain of the smell of paint again. He said, no, not this time, but I'll tell you what. I distinctly smell dry rot. I don't often make jokes, but I replied, You're talking a lot of dry rot yourself. I could not help roaring at this, and Carrie said her sides quite ached with laughter. I never was so immensely tickled by anything.

I'd ever said before. I actually woke up twice during the night and laughed till the bed shook. April the 13th. An extraordinary coincidence. Carrie had called in a woman to make some chintz covers for our drawing-room chairs and sofa to prevent the sun fading the green rep of the furniture. I saw the woman and recognised it as a woman who used to work years ago for my old aunt at Clapham. It only shows how small the world is. April the 14th Spent the whole of the afternoon in the garden Having this morning picked up at a bookstore for fivepence

A Capital Little Book in Good Condition on Gardening I procured and sowed some half-hardy annuals In what I fancy will be a warm, sunny border I thought of a joke and called out Carrie Carrie came out rather testy I thought I said, I've just discovered We have got a lodging house She replied,

How do you mean? I said, Look at the borders. Carrie said, is that all you wanted before? I said, at any other time, you would have laughed at my little pleasantry. Carrie said, certainly at any other time, but not when I'm busy in the house. The stairs look very nice.

Gowing called and said the stairs looked all right, but it made the banisters look all wrong and suggested a coat of paint on them also, which Carrie quite agreed with. I walked round to Putley, and fortunately he was out, so I had a good excuse to let the banisters slide. By the by, that's rather funny. April the 15th, Sunday. At three o'clock, Cummings and Gowing called for a good long walk over Hampstead and Finchley, and brought with them a friend named Stillbrook.

We walked and chatted together except Stillbrook, who was always a few, yards behind us staring at the ground and cutting at the grass with his stick. As it was getting on for five, we four held a consultation, and Gowing suggested that we should make for the cow and hedge and get some tea. Stillbrook said, Brandy and soda was good enough for him. I reminded them that all public houses were closed till six o'clock. Stillbrook said, That's all right, Bonafide travellers. We arrived, and as I was As I was trying to pass, the man in charge of the gate said, Where from? I replied, Holloway.

He immediately put up his arm and declined to let me pass. I turned back for a moment when I saw Stillbrook, closely followed by Cummings and Going, making for the entrance. I watched them and thought I would have a good laugh at their expense. I heard the porter say, where from? When, to my surprise, in fact disgust, Stillbrook replied, Blackheath. and the three were immediately admitted.

Gowing called to me across the gate and said, We shan't be a minute. I waited for them the best part of an hour. When they appeared they were all in most excellent spirits, and the only one who made an effort to apologise was Mr. Stillbrook, who said to me, He was very rough on you to be kept waiting, but we had another spin for S and B's.

I walked home in silence. I couldn't speak to them. I felt very dull all the evening, but deemed it advisable not to say anything to carry about the matter. April the 16th, after business, set to work in the garden. When it got dark, I wrote to Cummings and Gowing, who neither called for a wonder, perhaps they were ashamed of themselves, about yesterday's adventure of the Cow and Hedge,

afterwards made up my mind not to write yet. April the 17th. Thought I would write a kind little note to Gowing and Cummings about last Sunday, and warning them against Mr. Stillbrook. afterwards, thinking the matter over, tore up the letter, and determined not to write at all, but to speak quietly to them. Dumbfounded at receiving a sharp letter from Cummings, saying that both he and Gowing had been waiting for an explanation of my, mind you, my extraordinary conduct, coming home on Sunday.

At last I wrote, I thought I was the aggrieved party, but as I freely forgive you, you, feeling yourself aggrieved, should bestow forgiveness on me. I have copied this verbatim in the diary because I think it is one of the most perfect and thoughtful sentences I have ever written. I posted the letter, but in my own heart I felt I was actually apologising for having been insulted. April the 18th. I'm in for a cold. Spent the whole day at the office sneezing. In the evening, the cold being intolerable sent Sarah out for a bottle of Kinahan. fell asleep in the arm-chair and woke with the shivers was startled by a loud knock at the front door carry awfully flurried sarah still out so went up opened the door and found it was only cummings

remembered the grocer's boy had again broken the side bell cummings squeezed my hand and said i've just seen going all right say no more about it there is no doubt they are both under the impression i have apologized while playing dominoes with cummings in the parlour he said by the bite do you want any wine or spirits my cousin merton has just set up in the trade and has a splendid whisky four years in a bottle at thirty-eight shillings it is worth your while laying down a few dozen of it i told him my cellars which were very small were full up to my horror at that very moment sarah entered the room and putting a bottle of whisky wrapped in a dirty piece of newspaper on the table in front of us said please sir the grocer says he ain't got no more kinahan but you'll find this very good at two and six with tuppence returned on the bottle and please did you want any more sherry as he has sum at one and three as dry as a nut end of chapter the diary of a nobody by george and weeden grossmith read for librivox dot org by martin clifton chapter three a conversation with mr merton on society mr and mr and miss Mrs. James of Sutton come up. A miserable evening at the tank theatre. Experiments with enamel paint. I make another good joke, but Gowing and Cummings are unnecessarily offended. I paint the bath red with unexpected result. April the 19th, Cummings called, bringing with him

his friend Merton, who is in the wine trade. Gowing also called. Mr. Merton made himself at home at once, and Carrie and I were both struck with him immediately and thoroughly approved of his sentiments. He leaned back in his chair and said, You must take me as I am, and I replied, Yes, and you must take us as we are. We are homely people. We're not swells. He answered, No, I can see that, and Gowing roared with laughter. But Merton, in a most gentlemanly manner, said to Gowing, I don't think you quite understand me. I intended to convey that I our charming host and hostess, were superior to the follies of fashion, and preferred leading a simple and wholesome life to gadding about to tuppany-hapney tea-drinking afternoons

and living above their incomes. I was immensely pleased with these sensible remarks of Mertons and concluded that subject by saying, No, candidly Mr. Merton, we don't go into society because we do not care for it. And what with the expense of cabs here and cabs there on white-gloven, and white ties, etc. It doesn't seem worth the money. Merton said, in reference to friends, my motto is, few and true. And, by the way, I also apply that to wine, little and good. Gowing said, yes, and sometimes cheap and tasty, eh, old man?

Merton, still continuing, said he should treat me as a friend and put me down for a dozen of his lock and bar whiskey. And as I was an old friend of gowing, I should have it for 36 shir'lid. which was considerably under what he paid for it. He booked his own order and further said that at any time I wanted any passes for the theatre, I was to let him know, as his name stood good for any theatre in London. April the 20th. Carrie reminded me that as her old school friend Annie Fullers, now Mrs James, and her husband had come up from Sutton for a few days, it would look kind to take them to the theatre, and would I drop a line to Mr. Merton asking him for passes for four. either for the Italian opera, Haymarket, Savoy or Lyceum. I wrote Merton to that effect. April the 21st got a reply from Merton saying he was very busy

and just at present couldn't manage passes for the Italian opera, Haymarket, Savoy or Lyceum, but the best thing going on in London was the brown bushes at the Tank Theatre Islington and enclosed seats for four also bill for whiskey. April the 23rd, Mr and Mrs James, Miss Fullers, that was, came to meet tea, and we left directly after for the Tank Theatre. We got a bus that took us to King's Cross and then changed into one that took us to the angel. Mr James each time insisted on paying for all, saying that I had paid for the tickets and that was quite enough. We arrived at theatre where, curiously enough, all our busload except an old woman with a bar,

basket seemed to be going in. I walked ahead and presented the tickets. The man looked at them and called out, Mr. Willoughy, do you know anything about these, holding up my tickets? The gentleman called to, came up and examined my tickets and said, Who gave you these? I said rather indignantly, Mr. Merton, of course. He said, Merton, who's he? I answered rather sharply, you ought to know. His name's good at any theatre in London. He replied, "'Oh, is it? Well, it ain't no good here. These tickets, which are not dated, were issued under Mr. Swinsted's management, which has since changed hands. While I was having some very unpleasant words with the man, James, who had gone upstairs with the ladies, called out, "'Come on!' I went up after him, and a very civil attendant said,

"'This way, please, box H.' I said to James, why, how on earth did you manage it? And to my horror he replied, Why, paid for it, of course. This was humiliating enough, and I could scarcely follow the play, but I was doomed to still further humiliation. I was leaning out of the box when my tie, a little black bow which fastened onto the stud by means of a new patent, fell into the pit below. A clumsy man, not noticing it, had his foot on it for ever so long

before he discovered it. He then picked it up and eventually flung it under the next seat in disgust. What with the box incident and the tie I felt quite miserable. Mr James of Sutton was very good. He said, Don't worry, no one will notice it with your beard. That is the only advantage of growing one that I can see. There was no occasion for that remark,

for Carrie is very proud of my beard. To hide the absence of the tie, I had to keep my chin down the rest of the evening, which caused a pain at the back of my neck. April the 24th. Could scarcely sleep a wink, through thinking of having brought up Mr and Mrs. James from the country to go to the theatre last night, and his having paid for a private box because our order was not honoured.

And such a poor play, too. I wrote a very satirical letter to Merton, the wine merchant, who gave us the pass, and said, considering we had to pay for our seats, we did our best to appreciate the performance. I thought this line rather cutting. And I asked Carrie how many peas there were in appreciate, and she said one. After I sent off the letter, I looked at the dictionary

and found there were two, awfully vexed at this. Decided not to worry myself any more about the Jameses, for, as Carrie wisely said, we'll make it all right with them by asking them up from Sutton one evening next week to play at Bezique.

April the 25th. In consequence of Brickwell telling me his wife was working wonders with the new pinkfolds enamel paint, I determined to try it. I bought two tins of red on my way home. I hastened through tea, went into the garden, and painted some flower pots.

I called out to Carrie, who said, You've always got some new-fangled craze, but she was obliged to admit that the flower-pots looked remarkably well. Went upstairs into the servant's bedroom and painted her washstand, towel-horse, and chest of drawers. To my mind it was an extraordinary improvement, but as an example of the ignorance of the lower classes in the matter of taste our servant sarah on seeing them evinced no sign of pleasure but merely said she thought they looked very well as they was before april the twenty sixth got some more red enamel paint red to my mind being the best colour and painted the coal scuttle and the backs of our shakespeare the binding of which had almost worn out april the twenty seventh painted the bath red and was delighted with the result

sorry to say carrie was not in fact we had a few words about it she said i ought to have consulted her and she had never heard of such a thing as a bath being painted red i replied it's merely a matter of taste fortunately further argument on the subject was stopped by a voice saying may i come in it was only comings who said your maid opened the door and asked me to excuse her showing me in as she was wringing out some socks i was delighted to see him and suggested we should have a game of whist with a dummy and by way of merriment said you can be the dummy cummings i thought rather ill-naturedly replied funny as usual he said he couldn't stop he only called to leave me the bicycle news as he had done with it another ring at the bell it was gowing who said he must apologise for coming so often and that one of these days we must come round to see him i said a very extraordinary thing has struck me something funny as usual said cummings yes i replied i think even you will say so this time it's concerning you both for doesn't it seem odd that going's always coming and cummings always going carrie who had evidently quite forgotten about the bath went into fits of laughter and as for myself i fairly doubled up in my chair till it cracked beneath me i think this was a very very well as for myself i fairly doubled up in my chair till it cracked beneath me i think this was one of the best jokes I have ever made. Then imagine my astonishment on perceiving both Cummings and Gowing perfectly silent and without a smile on their faces. After rather an unpleasant

pause, Cummings, who had opened a cigar case, closed it up again and said, Yes, I think, after that I shall be going, and I'm sorry I failed to see the fun of your jokes. Gowing said he didn't mind a joke when it wasn't rude, but a pun on a name to his thinking of certainly a little wanting in good taste. Cummings followed it up by saying, if it had been said by anyone else but myself, he shouldn't have entered the house again. This rather unpleasantly terminated what might have been a cheerful evening. However, it was as well they went, for the charwoman had finished up the remains of the cold pork. April the 28th, at the office the new and very young Clark, Pitt, who was very impudent to me

a week or so ago was late again. I told him it would be my duty to inform Mr. Perkup the principal. To my surprise, Pitt apologised most humbly and in a most gentlemanly fashion. I was unfeignedly pleased to notice this improvement in his manner towards me, and told him I would look over his unpunctuality. Passing down the room an hour later, I received a smart smacking the face from a rolled-up ball of hard falsecap. I turned round sharply, but all the clerk

are apparently riveted to their work. I am not a rich man, but I would have given half a sovereign to know whether that was thrown by accident or design. Went home early and bought some more enamel paint, black this time, and spent the evening touching up the fender, picture frames, and an old pair of boots, making them look as good as new. Also painted Gowing's walking stick, which he left behind, and made it look like ebony.

April the 29th Sunday Woke up with a fearful headache and strong symptoms of a cold Carrie with a perversity which is just like her said It was painter's colic And was the result of my having spent the last few days With my nose over a paint pot I told her firmly that I knew a great deal better What was the matter with me than she did

I had got a chill and decided to have a bath as hot as I could bear it bath ready could scarcely bear it so hot i persevered and got in very hot but very acceptable i lay still for some time on moving my hand above the surface of the water i experienced the greatest fright i ever received in the whole course of my life for imagine my horror on discovering my hand as i had thought full of blood my first thought was that i had ruptured an artery and was bleeding to death and should be discovered later on, looking like a second Marat, as I remembered seeing him in Madame Two Swords. My second thought was to ring the bell, but remembered there was no bell to ring. My third was that there was nothing but the enamel paint which had dissolved with boiling water. I stepped out of the bath, perfectly red all over, resembling the red Indians I have seen depicted at an East End theatre. I determined not to say a word to carry, but to tell Pharmason to come on Monday and paint the bath white.

End of chapter. The Diary of a Nobody by George and Weeden Grossmith read for Librivox.org by Martin Clifton. Chapter 4 The Ball at the Mansion House April the 30th Perfectly astounded at receiving an invitation for Carrie and myself from the Lord and Lady Maris to the Mansion House

to meet representatives of trades and commerce my heart beat like that of a schoolboys. Carrie and I read the invitation over two or three times. I could scarcely eat my breakfast. I said, and I felt it from the bottom of my heart, Carrie darling, I was a proud man when I led you down the aisle of the church on our wedding day. That pride will be equalled, if not surpassed,

when I lead my dear pretty wife up to the Lord and Lady Maris at the mansion house. I saw the tears in Carrie's eyes. and she said, Charlie dear, it is I who have to be proud of you and I am very, very proud of you. You have called me pretty and as long as I am pretty in your eyes

I am happy. You, dear old Charlie, are not handsome, but you are good, which is far more noble. I gave her a kiss and she said, I wonder if there will be any dancing. I have not danced with you for years. I cannot tell what induced me to do it, but I seized her round the waist,

and we were silly enough to be executing a wild kind of polka when Sarah entered, grinning and said, There is a man-mum at the door who wants to know if you want any good coals. Most annoyed at this, spent the evening in answering and tearing up again the reply to the mansion house, having left word with Sarah if gowing or coming's called, we were not at home. must consult Mr. Perkup how to answer the Lord Mayor's invitation. May the First, Carrie said, I should like to send Mother the invitation to look at.

I consented as soon as I had answered it. I told Mr. Perkup at the office with a feeling of pride that we had received an invitation to the Mansion House, and he said, to my astonishment, that he himself gave in my name to the Lord Mayor's secretary. I felt this rather discounted the value of the invitation, but I thanked him, and in reply to me he described how I was to answer it. I felt the reply was too simple, but of course Mr. Perk-up knows best. May the 2nd.

Sent my dress-coat and trousers to the little tailors round the corner to have the creases taken out. Told going not to call next Monday as we were going to the mansion house. Sent similar note to Cummings. May the third, Carrie went to Mrs. James at Sutton to consult about her dress for next Monday. While speaking incidentally to Spotch, one of our head clerks, about the mansion house, he said, Oh, I'm asked, but I don't think I shall go. When a vulgar man like Spot is asked, I feel my invitation is considerably discounted. In the evening, while I was out, the little tailor brought round my coat and trousers,

and because Sarah had not a shilling to pay for the pressing, he took them away again. may the fourth carrie's mother returned the lord mayor's invitation which was sent to her to look at with apologies for having upset a glass of port over it i was too angry to say anything may the fifth bought a pair of lavender kid gloves for next monday and two white ties in case one got spoiled in the tying may the sixth sunday a very dull sermon during which i regret to say i twice thought of a very dull sermon during which i regret to say i twice thought of a the mansion house reception to-morrow. May the 7th, a big red-letter day, vis the Lord Mayor's reception. The whole house upset. I had to get dressed at half-past six, as Carrie wanted the room to herself. Mrs. James had come up from Sutton to help Carrie, so I could not help thinking it unreasonable

that she should require the entire attention of Sarah the servant as well. Sarah kept running out of the house to fetch something for Mrs, and several times I had in my full evening dress to answer the back door. The last time it was the greengrocers boy, who, not seeing it was me, for Sarah had not lighted the gas, pushed into my hands two cabbages and half a dozen coal blocks. I indignantly threw them on the ground, and felt so annoyed that I so far forgot myself as to box the boy's ears. He went away crying and said he should summons me, a thing I would not have happened for the world. In the dark I stepped on, a piece of the cabbage which brought me down on the flags all of a heap. For a moment I was stunned,

but when I recovered I crawled upstairs into the drawing room, and on looking into the chimney glass, discover that my chin was bleeding. My shirt smeared with coal blocks and my left trouser torn at the knee. However, Mrs. James brought me down another shirt which I changed in the drawing room. I put a piece of court plaster on my chin, and Sarah very neatly sewed up the tear at the knee. at nine o'clock carrie swept into the room looking like a queen never have i seen her looking so lovely or so distinguished she was wearing a satin dress of sky blue my favourite colour and a piece of lace which mrs james lent her round the shoulders to give a finish i thought perhaps the dress was a little too long behind and decidedly too short in front but mrs james said it was a la mode mrs james was most kind and lent Carrie a fan of ivory with red feathers, the value of which, she said, was priceless, as the feathers belonged to the Kachu eagle, a bird now extinct.

I preferred the little white fan which Carrie bought for three and six at shulbreds, but both ladies sat on me at once. We arrived at the mansion house too early, which was rather fortunate, for I had an opportunity of speaking to his lordship, who graciously condescended to talk with me some minutes, but i must say i was disappointed to find he did not even know mr percup the principal i felt as if i had been invited to the mansion house by one who did not know the lord mayor himself crowds arrived and i shall never forget the grand sight my humble pen can never describe it i was a little annoyed with carrie who kept saying isn't it a pity we don't know anybody once she quite lost her head i saw someone who looked like franching from peckham and was moving towards him when she seized me by the coat-tails and said quite loudly don't leave me which caused an elderly gentleman in a court suit and a chain round him and two ladies to burst

out laughing. There was an immense crowd in the supper room, and my stars, it was a splendid supper. Any amount of champagne. Carrie made a most hearty supper for which I was pleased, for I sometimes think she's not strong. There was scarcely a dish she did not taste. I was so thirsty I could not eat much. Receiving a sharp slap on the shoulder, I turned, and to my amazement saw Pharmason our ironmonger. He said, in the most familiar way, this is better than Brickfield Terrace, eh? I simply looked at him and said,

Cooley, I never expected to see you here. He said with a loud, coarse laugh, I like that, if you, why not me? I replied, certainly. I wish I could have thought of something better to say. He said, can I get your good lady anything? carrie said no i thank you for which i was pleased i said by way of reproof to him you never sent to-day to paint the bath as i requested farmerson said pardon me mr pooter no shop when we're in company please before i could think of a reply one of the sheriffs in full court costume slapped farmison on the back and hailed him as an old friend and asked him to dine with him at his lodge i was astonished

for full five minutes they stood roaring with laughter and stood digging each other in the ribs they kept telling each other they didn't look a day older they began embracing each other and drinking champagne to think that a man who men's-ass scraper should know any member of the aristocracy i was just moving with carrie when farmacons seized me rather roughly by the collar and addressing the sheriff said let me introduce my neighbour pooter he did not even say mister the sheriff handed me a glass of champagne i felt after all it was a great honour to drink a glass of wine with him and i told him so we stood chatting for some time and at last i said you must excuse me now if i join mrs putter when i approached her she said don't let me take you away from your friends i'm quite happy standing here alone in a crowd knowing nobody as it takes two to make a quarrel and as it was neither the time nor the place for it i gave my arm to carry and said i hope my own to carry and said i hope my darling little wife will dance with me if only for the sake of saying we had danced at the mansion house as guests of the lord mayor finding the dancing after supper was less formal and knowing how much carrie used to admire my dancing in the days gone by i put my arm round her waist and we commenced a waltz a most unfortunate accident occurred i had got on a new pair of boots

foolishly i had omitted to take carrie's advice namely to scratch the soles of them with the points of the scissors or to put a little wet on them. I had scarcely started when, like lightning, my left foot slipped away and I came down the side of my head striking the floor with such violence that for a second or two I did not know what had happened. I need hardly say that Carrie fell with me with equal violence, breaking the comb in her hair and grazing her elbow. There was a roar of laughter which was immediately checked when people found out that we had really hurt ourselves. A gentleman assisted Carrie to a seat, and I expressed myself pretty strongly on the danger of having a plain polished floor with no carpet or drugget to prevent

people slipping. The gentleman, who said his name was Darwitz, insisted on escorting Carrie to have a glass of wine, an invitation which I was pleased to allow Carrie to accept. I followed and met Pharmason, who immediately said in his loud voice, Oh, are you the one who went down? I answered with an indignant look. With execrable taste, he said, Look here, old man, we are too old for this game. We must leave these capers to the youngsters. Come and have another glass, that's more in our line. Although I felt I was buying his silence by accepting, we followed the others into the supper-room.

Neither Carrie nor I, after our unfortunate mishap, felt inclined to stand. day longer. As we were departing, Pharmacin said, Are you going? If so, you might give me a lift. I thought it better to consent, but wish I'd first consulted Carrie. End of chapter. The Diary of a Nobody by George and Weeden Grossmith read forlibrivox.org by Martin Clifton. Chapter 5 After the Mansion House Ball, Carrie offended, going or also offended, a pleasant party at the Cummings, Mr. Franching of Peckham visits us.

May the 8th. I woke up with a most terrible headache. I could scarcely see, and the back of my head was as if I had given it a crick. I thought first of sending for a doctor, but I did not think it necessary. When up, I felt faint, and went to Brownish's, the chemist who gave me a draft. So bad at the office had to get leave to come home, went to another chemist in the city, and I got a draft. Brownish dose seems to have made me worse, have eaten nothing all day. To make matters worse, Carrie, every time I spoke to her, answered me sharply, that is, when she answered at all. In the evening I felt very much worse again, and said to her, I do believe I'd been poisoned by the lobster mayonnaise at the mansion house last night. She simply replied, without taking

her eyes from her sewing. Champagne never did agree with you. I felt irritated and said, What nonsense you talk. I only had a glass and a half, and you know as well as I do. Before I could complete the sentence, she bounced out of the room. I sat over an hour waiting for her to return, but, as she did not, I determined I would go to bed. I discovered Carrie had gone to bed without even saying good-night, leaving me to bar the scullery door and feed the cat. I shall certainly speak to her about this in the morning. May the 9th, still a little shaky with black specs. The Blackfriars' bi-weekly news contains a long list of the guests at the Mansion House Ball. Disappointed to find our names omitted, though Pharmacons is in plainly enough,

with M-L-L after it, whatever that may mean. More than vexed, because we had ordered a dozen copies to send to our friends, wrote to the Blackfriars' bi-weekly news, pointing out there omission. Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered the parlour. I helped myself to a cup of tea, and I said, perfectly calmly and quietly, Carrie, I wish a little explanation of your conduct last night. She replied, indeed, and I desire something more than a little explanation of your conduct the night before. I said, coolly, really, I don't understand you. Carrie said, sneeringly, probably not. You were scarcely in a condition to understand anything. I was astounded at this insinuation and simply ejaculated Caroline. She said, don't be theatrical. It has no effect on me.

Reserve that tone for your new friend, Mr. Pharmason, the ironmonger. I was about to speak when, Carrie, in a temper such as I have never seen her in before, told me to hold my tongue. She said, now I'm going to say something. After professing to snub Mr. Pharmason, you permitted him to snub you in my presence, and then accept his invitation to take a glass of champagne with you, and you don't limit yourself to one glass. You then offer this vulgar man,

who had made a bungle of repairing our scraper, a seat in our cab on the way home. I say nothing about his tearing my dress in getting in the cab, nor of treading on Mrs. James' expensive fan, which you knocked out of my hand, and for which he never apologised. But you smoked all the way home without having the decency to ask my permission? That is not all. At the end of the journey, although he did not offer you a farthing towards his share of the cab,

you asked him in. Fortunately, he was sober enough to detect from my manner that his company was not desirable. Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this, but, to make matters worse, Gowing entered the room without knocking with two hats on his head and holding the garden rake in his hand, with Carrie's fur tippet, which he had taken off the downstairs hall peg, round his neck, and announced himself in a loud, coarse voice. His Royal Highness, the Lord Mayor. He marched twice round the room like a buffoon, and finding we took no notice said, Hello, what's up, lovers quarrel, eh?

There was a silence for a moment, so I said quietly, my dear Gowing, I'm not very well, and not quite in the humour for joking, especially when you enter the room without knocking an act which I fail to see the fun of. Gowing said, I'm very sorry, but I called for my stick, which I thought you would have sent round. I handed him his stick, which I remembered I had painted black with the enamel paint, thinking to improve it. He looked at it for a minute with a dazed expression and said, "'Who did this?' I said, "'A, did what?'

"'He said, did what? "'Why, destroyed my stick. "'It belonged to my poor uncle, "'and I value it more than anything I have in the world. "'I'll know who did it.' "'I said, I'm very sorry, "'I dare say it will come off. "'I did it for the best.'

"'Gowing said, then all I can say is, "'it's a confounded liberty, "'and I would add, "'you're a bigger fool than you look, "'only that's absolutely impossible.' "'May the 12th. got a single copy of the Blackfriars' bi-weekly news. There was a short list of several names they had omitted,

but the stupid people had mentioned our names as Mr and Mrs. C. Porter, most annoying. Wrote again, and I took particular care to write our name in capital letters, P-O-O-T-E-R, so that there should be no possible mistake this time. May the 16th, absolutely disgusted on opening the Blackfriars' bi-weeks, weekly news of today to find the following paragraph we have received two letters from mr and mrs charles pewter requesting us to announce the important fact that they were at the mansion-house ball i tore up the paper and threw it in the waste-paper basket my time is far too valuable to bother about such trifles may the twenty first the last week or ten days terribly dull carry being away at mrs james at sutton cummings also away gowing i presume is still offended with me for black ennalling his stick without asking him may the twenty second purchased a new stick mounted with silver which costs seven and sixpence shall tell carry five shillings and sent it round with nice note to gowing

may the twenty third received strange note from gowing he said offended not a bit my boy i thought you were offended with me for losing my temper besides i found after all it was not my poor old uncle's stick you painted. It was only a shilling thing I bought at a tobacconists. However, I am much obliged you for your handsome presents all same. May 24th, Carrie back, hurrah, she looks wonderfully well, except that the sun has caught her nose. May the 25th, Carrie brought down some of my shirts and advised me to take them to trillips round the corner. She said, the fronts and cuffs are much frayed. I said, without a moment's hesitation, I'm afraid they are.

Law, how we roared. I thought we should never stop laughing. As I happened to be sitting next the driver going to town on the bus, I'd hold him my joke about the frayed shirts. I thought he would have rolled off his seat. They laughed at the office a good bit too over it. May the 26th, left the shirts to be repaired, Trillips.

I said to him, I'm afraid. They're afraid, he said, without a smile. They're bound to do that, sir. Some people seem to be quite destitute of a sense of humour. June the first. The last week has been like old times, Carrie being back and gowing and comings calling every evening nearly. Twice we sat out in the garden quite late. This evening we were like a pack of children and played consequences. It's a good game. June the 2nd, consequences again this evening, not quite so successful as last night, Gowing having several times overstep the limits of good taste. June the 4th. In the evening Carrie and I went round to Mr. and Mrs. Cummings to spend a quiet evening with them.

Gowing was there, also Mr. Stillbrook. It was quiet but pleasant. Mrs. Cummings sang five or six songs, no sir and the garden of sleep being best in my humble judgment but what pleased me most was the duet she sang with carrie classical duet too i think it is called i would that my love it was beautiful if carrie had been in better voice i don't think professionals could have sung it better after supper we made them sing it again i never liked mr stillbrook since the walk that sunday to the cow and hedge but i must say he sings comic songs well his song we don't want the old men now made a shriek with laughter, especially the verse referring to Mr Gladstone. But there was one verse I think he might have omitted, and I said so, but Gowing thought it was the best of the lot.

June the sixth, Trilip brought round the shirts, and, to my disgust, his charge for repairing was more than I gave for them when knew. I told him so, and he impertinently replied, well, they are better now than when they were new. I paid him and said it was a robbery. He said, If you wanted your shirt fronts made out of pauper linen, such as is used for packing and bookbinding, why didn't you say so? June the 7th, a dreadful annoyance,

met Mr. Franching, who lives at Peckham, and who is a great swell in his way. I ventured to ask him to come home to meet tea and take potluck. I did not think he would accept such a humble invitation, but he did, saying, in a most friendly way, he would rather peck with us than by himself. I said we had better get into this blue bus. He replied,

No blue busing for me, I have had enough of the blues lately. I lost a cool fow over the copper scare, step in here. We drove up home in style in a handsome cab, and I knocked three times at the front door without getting an answer. I saw Carrie through the panels of the ground glass,

with stars, rushing upstairs. I told Mr. Franching to wait at the door while I went round to the side. There I saw the grocer's boy actually picking off the paint on the door, which had formed into blisters. No time to reprove him, so went round and affected an entrance through the kitchen window. I let in Mr. Franchin and showed him into the drawing-room. I went upstairs to Carrie, who was changing her dress, and told her I had persuaded Mr. Franching to come home. She replied,

How can you do such a thing? You know it's Sarah's holiday, and there's not a thing in the house, the cold mutton having turned with the hot weather. eventually carry like a good creature as she is slipped down washed up the teacups and laid the cloth and i gave franching our views of japan to look at while i ran round to the butchers to get three chops july the thirtieth the miserable cold weather is either upsetting me or carrie or both we seem to break out into an argument about absolutely nothing and this unpleasant state of things usually occurs at meal times this morning for some unaccountable reason we were talking about balloons, and we were as merry as possible. But the conversation drifted into family matters, during which Carrie, without the slightest reason, referred in the most uncomplimentary manner

to my forefather's pecuniary trouble. I retorted by saying that, par, at all events, was a gentleman, whereupon Carrie burst out crying. I positively could not eat any breakfast. At the office I was sent for by Mr. Perker, who said he was very sorry, but I should have to take my annual holidays from next Saturday. Franching called at the office and asked me to dine at his club, the Constitutional.

Fearing disagreeable was at home after the Tiff this morning, I sent a telegram to Carrie telling her I was going out to dine, and she was not to sit up. Bought a little silver bangle for Carrie. July 31st, Carrie was very pleased with the bangle which I left with an affectionate note on her dressing-table last night before going to bed. I told Carrie we should have to start for our holiday next Saturday. She replied quite happily that she did not mind, except that the weather was so bad, and she feared that Miss Jibbons would not be able to get her a seaside dress in time.

I told Carrie that I thought the drab one with pink bows looked quite good enough, and Carrie said she should not think of wearing it. I was about to discuss the matter when, remembering the argument yesterday, resolved to hold my tongue. I said to Carrie, I don't think we can do better than good old broadstairs. Carrie, not only, to my astonishment, raised an objection to broadstairs for the first time, but begged me not to use the expression good old, but to leave it to Mr. Stillbrook another gentleman of his type. hearing my bus past the window i was obliged to rush out of the house without kissing carrie as usual and i shouted to her i leave it to you to decide on returning in the evening carrie said she thought as the time was so short she had decided on broad stairs and had written to mrs beck harbour view terrace for apartments

august i ordered a new pair of trousers at edwards and told them not to cut them so loose over the boot the last pair being so loose and also tight at the nearer's looked like a sailor's, and I heard Pitt, that objectionable youth at the office, call out hornpipe as I passed his desk. Carrie has ordered of Miss Gibbons a pink Garibaldi and Blue Surge skirt, which I always think looks so pretty at the seaside. In the evening she trimmed herself a little sailor hat while I read to her the exchange and mart. We had a good laugh over my trying on the hat when she had finished it.

Carrie saying it looked so funny with my beard and how the people would have roared if I went on the stage like that August the 2nd Mrs Beck wrote to say We could have our usual rooms at Broadstairs That's off our mind Bought a coloured shirt and a pair of tan coloured boots Which I see many of the swell clerks wearing in the city And here are all the go

August the third A beautiful day looking forward to tomorrow Carrie bought a parasol about five feet long. I told her it was ridiculous. She said, Mrs James of Sutton has one twice as long, so the matter dropped. I bought a capital hat for hot weather at the seaside.

I don't know what it is called, but it's the shape of the helmet worn in India only made of straw. Got three new ties, two coloured handkerchiefs, and a pair of navy blue socks at Pope Brothers. Spent the evening packing. Carrie told me not to forget to borrow Mr Higgsworth's telescope, which he always lends me knowing I know how to take care of it. Sent Sarah out for it. While everything was seeming so bright, the last post brought us a letter from Mrs. Beck saying,

I have just let all my house to one party, and I'm sorry I must take back my words, and I'm sorry you must find other apartments. But Mrs. Whoming next door will be pleased to accommodate you. but she cannot take you before Monday as her rooms are engaged bank holiday week. End of chapter. The Diary of a Nobody by George and Weeden Grossmith read for Librivox.org by Martin Clifton. Chapter 6. The unexpected arrival home of our son, Willie Lupin Puta. August the 4th. The first post brought a nice letter from our dear son Willie, acknowledging a trifling present which Carrie sent him

the day before yesterday being his twentieth birthday. To our utter amazement, he turned up himself in the afternoon, having journeyed all the way from Oldham. He said he had got leave from the bank, and as Monday was a holiday, he thought he would give us a little surprise. August the 5th, Sunday. We have not seen Willie since last Christmas,

and are pleased to notice what a fine young man he has grown. One would scarcely believe he was Carrie's son. He looks more like. like a younger brother. I rather disapprove of his wearing a cheque suit on a Sunday, and I think he ought to have gone to church this morning, but he said he was tired after yesterday's journey, so I refrained from any remark on the subject. We had a bottle of port for dinner, and drank dear Willie's health. He said, oh, by the by, did I tell you I've cut my first name, William, and taken the second name, Lupin? In fact, I'm only known at Oldham as

lupin putter. If you were to willy me there, they wouldn't know what you meant. Of course, Lupin being a purely family name, Carrie was delighted and began by giving a long history of the Lupin's. I ventured to say that I thought William a nice, simple name, and reminded him he was christened after his uncle William, who was much respected in the city. Willie, in a manner which I did not much care for, said sneeringly, oh, I know all about that, good old Bill, and helped himself to a third glass of port. Carrie objected strongly to my saying, good old, but she made no remark when Willie used the double adjective. I said nothing but looked at her, which meant more. I said,

My dear Willie, I hope you are happy with your colleagues at the bank. He replied, Lupin, if you please, and with respect to the bank there's not a clerk who is a gentleman, and the boss is a cad. I felt so shocked I could say nothing, and my instinct told me there was something wrong. August 6th, Bank holiday. As there was no sign of Lupin moving at nine o'clock, I knocked at his door and said we usually breakfasted at half-past eight,

and asked how long would he be. Lupin replied that he had had a lively time of it, first with the train shaking the house all night, and then with the sun streaming in through the window in his eyes and giving him a cracking headache. Carrie came up and asked if he would like some breakfast sent up, and he said he could do with a cup of tea and didn't want anything to eat. Lupin, not having come down, I went up again at half-past one, and said we dined at two. He said he would be there.

He never came down till a quarter to three. I said, we have not seen much of you, and you have not seen much of you, and you said, you'll have to return by the 5.30 train. Therefore you'll have to leave in an hour unless you go by the midnight mail. He said, look here, Governor, it's no use beating about the bush. I've tendered my resignation at the bank. For a moment I could not speak. When my speech came again, I said, how dare you, sir? How dare you take such a serious step without consulting me? don't answer me sir you will sit down immediately and write a note at my dictation withdrawing your resignation and amply apologising for your thoughtlessness imagine my dismay when he replied with a loud guffaw it's no use if you want the good old truth i've got the chuck august the seventh mr percup has given me leave to postpone my holiday a week as we could not get the room this will give us an opportunity of trying to find an appointment for willie before before we go. The ambition of my life would be to get him into Mr. Perk-up's firm.

August the 11th. Although it is a serious matter having our boy loop in on our hands, still it is satisfactory to know he was asked to resign from the bank simply because he took no interest in his work and always arrived an hour, sometimes two hours, late. We can all start off on Monday to broadstairs with a light heart. This will take my mind off the worry of the last few days, which have been wasted over a useless correspondence with the manager at the bank at Oldham. August the 13th. Hurrah, at Broadstairs. Very nice apartments near the station. On the cliffs they would have been double the price. The landlady had a nice five o'clock dinner and tea-ready, which we all enjoyed, though Lupin seemed fastidious because there

happened to be a fly in the butter. It was very wet in the evening, for which I was thankful, as it was a good excuse for going to bed early. Lupin said he would sit up and read a bit. August the 14th. I was a little annoyed to find Lupin instead of reading last night, had gone to a common sort of entertainment given at the assembly rooms. I expressed my opinion that such performances were unworthy of respectable patronage. But he replied,

Oh, it was only for one night only. I had a fit of the blues come on and thought I would go to see Polye, Preswell, England's particular spark. I told him I was proud to say I had never heard of her. Carrie said, Do let the boy alone. He's quite old enough to take care of himself and won't forget he's a gentleman. Remember, you were young once yourself. Rained all day hard, but Lupin would go out. August the 15th. Cleared up a bit, so we all took the train to Margate, and the first person we met on the jetty was Gowing. I said, hello, I thought you'd gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham friends. He said, yes, but young Peter Lawrence was so ill they postponed their visit, so I came down here.

You know that the Cummings are here, too? Carrie said, oh, that will be delightful. We must have some evenings together and have games. I introduced Lupin saying, you'll be pleased to find we have our dear boy at home. Gowing said, how's that? You. you don't mean to say he's left the bank. I changed the subject quickly and thereby avoided any of those awkward questions which going always has a knack of asking. August the 16th. Lupin positively refused to walk down the parade with me because I was wearing my new straw helmet

with my frock coat. I don't know what the boy is coming to. August the 17th. Lupin not falling in with our views. Carrie and I went for a sale. It was a relief to be with her alone, for when Lupin irritates me she always sides with him. On our return, he said,

Oh, you've been on the shilling emetic, have you? You'll come to the sixth pennethon the liver-jurker next. I presume he meant a tricycle, but I affected not to understand him. August the 18th, Gowing and Cummings walked over to arrange an evening at Margate. it being wet, Gowing asked Cummings to accompany him to the hotel and have a game of billiards knowing I never play, and in fact disapprove of the game.

Cummings said he must hasten back to Margate, whereupon Lupin, to my horror, said, I'll give you a game, Gowing, a hundred up, a walk around the cloth will give me an appetite for dinner. I said perhaps Mr. Gowing does not care to play with boys. Gowing surprised me by saying, oh yes I do, if they're not. They play well, and they walked off together. August the 19th Sunday I was about to read Lupin a sermon on smoking, which he indulges in violently and billiards,

but he put on his hat and walked out. Carrie then read me a long sermon on the palpable inadvisability of treating Lupin as if he were a mere child. I felt she was somewhat right, so in the evening I offered him a cigar, he seemed pleased but after a few whiffs said this is a good old tupenny try one of mine and he handed me a cigar as long as it was strong which is saying a good deal august the twentieth i am glad our last day at the seaside was fine though clouded overhead we went over to cummings at margate in the evening and as it was cold we stayed in and played games gowing as usual overstepping the mark he suggested we were to comeings at margate in the evening he suggested we were to-theid game he suggested we were

should play cutlets, a game we never heard of. He sat on a chair and asked Carrie to sit on his lap, an invitation which dear Carrie rightly declined. After some species of wrangling, I sat on Gowing's knees and Carrie sat on the edge of mine. Lupin sat on the edge of Carrie's lap, then Cummings on Lupin's and Mrs. Cummings on her husband's. We looked very ridiculous and laughed a good deal. Gowing then said, Are you a believer in the great mogul? We had to answer altogether, yes, oh yes, three times. Gowing said, so am I, and suddenly got up. The result

of this stupid joke was that we all fell on the ground, and poor Carrie banged her head against the corner of the fender. Mrs. Cummings put some vinegar on, but through this we missed the last train and had to drive back to broadstairs. which cost me seven and sixpence. End of chapter. The Diary of a Nobody by George and Weeden Grossmith. Read for Librivox.org by Martin Clifton.

Chapter 7. Home again. Mr. James' influence on carry. Can get nothing for Lupin. Next door neighbours are a little troublesome. Someone tamper's with my diary. Lupin startles us with an announcement. august the twenty second home sweet home again carrie brought some pretty blue wool mats to stand vases on frips jonas and co write to say they are sorry they have no vacancy among their staff of clerks for loopin

august the twenty third i bought a pair of stag's heads made of plaster of paris and coloured brown they will look just the thing for our little hall and give it style the heads are excellent imitations poulers and smith are sorry they have nothing to offer lupin august the twenty fourth simply to please lupin and make things cheerful for him as he is a little down carrie invited mrs james to come up from sutton and spend two or three days with us we have not said a word to lupin but mean to keep it as a surprise august the twenty fifth mrs james of sutton arrived in the afternoon bringing with her an enormous bunch of wild flowers hours. The more I see of Mrs. James, the nicer I think she is, and she is devoted to Carrie. She went into Carrie's room to take off her bonnet, and remained there nearly an hour talking about dress. Lupin said he was not a bit surprised at Mrs. James' visit, but was surprised at her. August the 26th Sunday. Nearly late for church, Mrs. James, having talked considerably about what to wear all the morning.

Lupin does not seem to get on very well with Mrs. James. I'm afraid we shall have some trouble with our next-door neighbours who came in last Wednesday. Several of their friends who drive up in dog-carts have already made themselves objectionable. An evening or two ago I had put on a white waistcoat for coolness and while walking past with my thumbs in my waistcoat pockets, a habit I have, one man seated in the waistcoat.

the cart and looking like an American, commenced singing some vulgar nonsense about, I had thirteen dollars in my waistcoat pocket. I fancied it was meant for me, and my suspicions were confirmed, for, while walking around the garden in my tall hat this afternoon, a throw-down cracker was deliberately aimed at my hat, and exploded on it like a percussion cap. I turned sharply, and I'm positive I saw the man who was in the cart retreating. from one of the bedroom windows. August the 27th. Carrie and Mrs. James went off shopping

and had not returned when I came back from the office. Judging from the subsequent conversation, I'm afraid Mrs. James is filling Carrie's head with a lot of nonsense about dress. I walked over to Gowings and asked him to drop into supper and make things pleasant. Carrie prepared a little extemporised supper consisting of the remainder of the cold joint, a small piece of salmon, which I was to refuse

in case there was not enough to go round, and a blamonge and custards. There was also a decanter of port and some jam puffs on the sideboard. Mrs. James made us play rather a good game of cards called muggings. To my surprise, in fact discussed, Lupin got up in the middle and in a most sarcastic tone said, pardon me, this sort of thing is too fast for me. I shall go and enjoy a quiet game of marbles in the back garden. Things might have become rather disagreeable, but for gowing, who seems to have taken to Lupin, suggesting they should invent games.

Lupin said, let's play monkeys. He then led gowing all round the room and brought him in front of the looking-glass. I must confess I laughed heartily at this. I was a little vexed at everybody subsequently laughing at some joke which they did not explain, and it was only on going to bed, I discovered I must have been walking about all the evening, with an anti-macasa on one button of my coattails.

August the 28th, found a large brick in the middle bed of geraniums, evidently come from next door. Patels and paddles can't find a place for Lupin. August the 29th. Mrs. James is making a positive fool of Carrie. Carrie appeared in a new dress like a smock frock. She said, Smocking was all the rage. I replied, It put me in a rage.

She also had on a hat as big as a kitchen coal scuttle, and the same shape. Mrs. James went home, and both Lupin and I were somewhat pleased, the first time we have agreed on a single subject since his return. Merkins and son write they have no vacancy for Lupin. October the 30th I should very much like to know

who has willfully torn the last five or six weeks out of my diary it is perfectly monstrous mine is a large scribbling diary with plenty of space for the record of my everyday events and in keeping up that record I take with much pride a great deal of pains I asked Carrie if she knew anything about it she replied it was my own fault

for leaving the diary about with a charwoman cleaning and the sweeps in the house. I said that was not an answer to my question. This retort of mine, which I thought extremely smart, would have been more effective had I not jogged my elbow against a vase on a table, temporarily placed in the passage, knocked it over and smashed it. Carrie was dreadfully upset at this disaster, for it was one of a pair of vases which cannot be matched, given to us on our wedding day by Mrs. Burset, an old friend of Carrie's cousins,

the Pomerton's late of Dalston. I called to Sarah and asked her about the diary. She said she had not been in the sitting-room at all. After the sweep had left, Mrs. Beryl, the charwoman, had cleaned the room and lighted the fire herself. Finding a burnt piece of paper in the grate, I examined it, and found it was a piece of my diary, so it was evident someone had torn my diary,

to light the fire. I requested Mrs. Beryl to be sent to me tomorrow. October the 31st received a letter from our principal, Mr. Perkup, saying that he thinks he knows of a place at last for our dear boy Lupin. This, in a measure, consoles me for the loss of a portion of my diary, for I am bound to confess the last few weeks have been devoted to the record of disappointing answers received from people to whom I have applied for appointments for Lupin. Mrs. Beryl called, and, in reply to me, said, She never see no book, much less takes such a liberty as touch it. I said, I was determined to find out who did it,

whereupon she said she would do her best to help me, but she remembered the sweep lighting the fire with a bit of the echo. I requested the sweep to be sent to me tomorrow. I wish Carrie had not given Lupin a latch-key, we never seemed to see anything of him i sat up till past one for him and then retired tired november the first my entry yesterday about retired tired which i did not notice at the time is rather funny if i were not so worried just now i might have had a little joke about it the sweep called but had the audacity to come up to the hall door and lean his dirty bag of soot on the doorstep he however was so polite I could not rebuke him. He said Sarah lighted the fire. Unfortunately, Sarah heard this, for she was dusting the banisters, and she ran down and flew into a temper with the sweep,

causing a row on the front doorsteps, which I would not have had happened for anything. I ordered her about her business and told the sweep I was sorry to have troubled him. And so I was, for the doorsteps were covered with soot in consequence of his visit. I would willingly give ten shillings to find out who tore my diary. November the 2nd I spent the evening quietly with Carrie, of whose company I never tire. We had a most pleasant chat about the letters on, Is marriage a failure? It has been no failure in our case. In talking over our own happy experiences, we never noticed that it was past midnight.

We were startled by hearing the door slam violently. Lupin had come in. He made no attempt to turn down the gas in the passage, or even to look into the room where we were, but went straight up to bed, making a terrible noise. I asked him to come down for a moment, and he begged to be excused, as he was dead beat, an observation that was scarcely consistent with the fact that, for quarter of an hour afterwards, he was positively dancing in his room, and shouting out, see me dance the polka or some such nonsense november the third good news at last mr percup has got an appointment for lupin and he is to go and see him about it on monday oh how my mind is relieved i went to lupin's room to take the good news to him but he was in bed very seedy so i resolved to keep it over till the evening he said he had last night been elected a member of an amateur dramatic club called the Holloway Comedians, and though it was a pleasant evening, he had sat in a draft and got neuralgia in the head. He declined to have any breakfast, so I left him. In the evening I had up a special bottle of port, and, Lupin, being in, for a wonder, we filled our glasses,

and I said, Lupin, my boy, I have some good and unexpected news for you. Mr. Perkup has procured you an appointment. Lupin said, Good biz, and we drained our glasses. Lupin then said, fill up the glasses again, for I have some good and unexpected news for you. I had some slight misgivings and so evidently had Carrie, for she said, I hope we shall think it good news. Lupin said, Oh, it's all right. I'm engaged to be married. End of chapter.

The diary of a nobody by George and Weeden Grossmith read for Librivox.org by Martin Clifton. Chapter 8 Daisy Mutlar's sole topic of conversation Lupin's new birth fireworks at the Cummings The Holloway comedians Sarah Quarles with the Charwoman

Lupin's uncalled for interference Am introduced to Daisy Mutlar We decide to give a party in her honour november the fifth sunday carrie and i troubled about that near boy lupin getting engaged to be married without consulting us or anything after dinner he told us all about it he said the lady's name was daisy mutlar and she was the nicest prettiest and most accomplished girl he ever met he loved her the moment he saw her and if he had to wait fifty years he would wait and he knew she would wait for him lupin further said with much warmth that the love her-he loved her the moment he saw her and if he had to wait fifty years he would wait for him lupin further said with much warmth that the world was a different place to him now it was a world worth living in he lived with an object now and that was to make daisy mutlar daisy putter and he would guarantee she would not disgrace the family of the putters carrie here burst out crying and threw her arms round his neck and in doing so upset the glass of port he held in his hand all over his new light trousers i said i had no doubt we should like miss mutler when we saw her but carrie said she loved her already i thought this rather premature but held my tongue

daisy mutler was the sole topic of conversation for the remainder of the day i asked lupin who her people were and he replied oh you know mutler williams and watts i did not know but refrained from asking him any further questions at present for fear of irritating lupin november the sixth loopin went with me to the office and had a long conversation with mr percup our principal the result of which was that he accepted a clerkship in the firm of job clean hands and co stock and sharebrokers lupin told me privately it was an advertising firm and he did not think much of it i replied beggars should not be choosers and i will do lupin the justice to say he looked rather ashamed of himself in the evening we went round to the cummings to have a few fireworks it began to rain and i thought it rather dull one of my squibs would not go off and gowing said hit it on your boot boy it'll go off then i gave it a few knocks on the end of my boot and it went off with one loud explosion and burnt my fingers rather badly i gave the rest of the squibs to the little cummings boy to let off another unfortunate thing happened which brought a heap of abuse on my head. Cummings fastened a large wheel set-piece on a stake in the ground by way of a grand finale. He made a great fuss about it, said it had cost seven shillings. There was a little difficulty in getting it to light. At last it went off, but after a couple of

slow revolutions it stopped. I had my stick with me, so I gave it a tap to send it round, and, unfortunately, it fell off the stake onto the grass. Anybody would have thought I had set the house on fire from the way in which they stormed at me. I will never join in any more fireworks parties. It is a ridiculous waste of time and money. November the 7th, Lupin asked Carrie to call on Mrs. Mutlar, but Carrie said she thought Mrs. Mutlar ought to call on her first. I agreed with Carrie, and this led to an argument. However, the matter was settled by Carrie saying she could not find any visiting cards, and we must get some more printed, and when they were finished would be quite time enough to discuss the etiquette of calling. November the 8th, I ordered some of our cards at Blacks,

the stationers. I ordered 25 of each, which will last us for a good long time. In the evening, Lupin brought in Frank Mutla, Miss Mutla's brother. He was a rather gawky youth, and Lupin said he was the most popular and best amateur in the club, referring to the Holloway comedians. Lupin whispered to us that if we could only draw out Frank a bit, he would make us raw, with laughter. At supper young Matla did several amusing things. He took up a knife and with the flat part of it played a tune on his cheek in a wonderful manner. He also gave an imitation of an old man with no teeth smoking a big cigar. The way he kept dropping the cigar sent Carrie into fits. In the course of conversation Daisy's name cropped up and young Matla said he would bring

his sister around to us one evening, his parents being rather old-fashioned and not going out much. Carrie said we would get up a little special party. As young Mutla showed no inclination to go, and it was approaching eleven o'clock, as a hint, I reminded Lupin that he had to be up early tomorrow morning. Instead of taking the hint, Mutla began a series of comic imitations. He went on for an hour without cessation. Poor Carrie could scarcely keep her eyes open. At last she made an excuse and said, good night.

mutler then left and i heard him and lupin whispering in the hall something about the holloway comedians and to my disgust although it was past midnight lupin put on his hat and coat and went out with his new companion november the ninth my endeavours to discover who tore the sheets out of my diary still fruitless lupin has daisy mutler on the brain so we see little of him except that he invariably turns up at meal times cummings dropped in November the 10th. Lupin seems to like his new birth, that's a comfort. Daisy Mutler, the sole topic of conversation during tea. Carrie, almost as full of it as Lupin. Lupin informs me to my disgust that he has been persuaded to take part in the forthcoming performance of the Holloway comedians.

He says he is to play Bob Bridges in the far gone to my uncles. Frank Mutlar is going to play Old Musty. I told Lupin pretty plainly. I was not in the least degree interested in the matter, and totally disapproved of amateur theatricals. Gowing came in the evening. November the 11th returned home to find the house in a most disgraceful uproar. Carrie, who appeared very frightened, was standing outside her bedroom, while Sarah was excited and crying. Mrs. Beryl, the charwoman, who had evidently been drinking, was shouting at the top of her voice that she was no thief, that she was a respectable woman, who had to work hard

for her living, and she would smack anyone's face who put lies into her mouth. Lupin, whose back was towards me, did not hear me come in. He was standing between the two women, and, I regret to say, in his endeavour to act as peacemaker, he made use of rather strong language in the presence of his mother. And I was just in time to hear him say, and all this fuss about the loss of a few pages from a rotten diary that wouldn't fetch three hapence a pound. I said, quietly, pardon me, Lupin, that is a matter of opinion, and as I am master of this house, perhaps you will allow me to take the reins. I ascertained that the cause of the row was that Sarah had accused Mrs. Beryl

of tearing the pages out of my diary to wrap up some kitchen fat and leavings, which she had taken out of the house last week. Mrs. Beryl had slapped Sarah's face and said she had taken nothing out of the place. There was never no leavings to take. I ordered Sarah back to her work, and requested Mrs. Beryl to go home. When I entered the parlour, Lupin was kicking his legs in the air and roaring with laughter. November the 12th, Sunday. Coming home from church, Carrie and I met Lupin, Daisy Mutler and her brother. Daisy was introduced to us, had we walked home together, Carrie walking on with Miss Mutler. We asked them in for a few minutes, and I had a good look at my future daughter-in-law. My heart quite sank.

She is a big young woman, and I should think at least eight years older than Lupin. I did not even think her good-looking. Carrie asked her if she could come in on Wednesday next with her brother to meet a few friends. She replied that she would only be too pleased. November the 13th, Carrie sent out invitations to Gowing, the Cummings to Mr. Mrs. James of Sutton and Mr. Stillbrook. I wrote a note to Mr. Franching of Peckham. Carrie said, we may as well make it a nice affair, and why not ask our principal, Mr. Perkup?

I said I feared we were not quite grand enough for him. Carrie said there was no offence in asking him. I said certainly not, and wrote him a letter. Carrie confessed she was a little disappointed with Daisy Mutla's appearance, but thought she seemed a nice girl. November the 14th. Everybody so far has accepted for our quite grand little party for tomorrow. mr percup in a nice letter which i shall keep wrote that he was dining in kensington but if he could get away he would come up to holloway for an hour carrie was busy all day making little cakes and open jam puffs and jellies she said she felt quite nervous about her responsibilities to-morrow evening we decided to have some light things on the table such as sandwiches cold chicken and ham and some sweets and on the sideboard a nice piece of cold beef and the peasantu tongue for the more hungry ones to peg into if they liked

gawing called to know if he was to put on swallow-tails to-morrow carrie said he had better dress especially as mr franching was coming and there's a possibility of mr percup also putting in an appearance gowing said oh i only wanted to know for i've not worn my dress-coat for some time and I must send it to have the creases pressed out. After going left, Lupin came in, and in his anxiety to please Daisy Mutler, carved at and criticised the arrangements, and, in fact, disapproved of everything, including our having asked our old friend Cummings, who, he said, would look in evening dress

like a greengrocer engaged to wait, and who must not be surprised if Daisy took him for one. I fairly lost my temper and said, "'Lupin, allow me to tell you, Miss Daisy Muttler is not the Queen of England. "'I gave you credit for more wisdom than to allow yourself to be inveigled "'into an engagement with a woman considerably older than yourself. "'I advise you to think of earning your living before entangling yourself with a wife, "'whom you will have to support, and, in all probability, her brother also,

"'who appeared to be nothing but a loafer.' "'Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupin jumped up and said, If you insult the lady I am engaged to, you insult me. I will leave the house and never darken your doors again. He went out of the house, slamming the hall door. But it was all right, he came back to supper and we played Bezique till nearly 12 o'clock. End of chapter.

The diary of a nobody by George and Weeden Grossmith read for Librivox.org by Martin Clifton. Chapter 9 Our first important party, old friends and new friends, gowing is a little annoying, but his friend, Mr. Stillbrook, turns out to be quite amusing. Inopportune arrival of Mr. Perkup, but he is most kind and complimentary. Party a great success. November the 15th, a red letter day, our first important party since we have been in this house. I got home early from the city, Lupin, insisted on having a hired waiter and stood a half a dozen of champagne. I think this isn't

unnecessary expense, but Lupin said he had had a piece of luck, having made three pounds out of a private deal in the city. I hope you won't gamble in his new situation. The supper room looked so nice, and Carrie truly said, we need not be ashamed of its being seen by Mr. Perka, should he honor us by coming. I dressed early in case people should have arrived punctually at eight o'clock, and was much vexed to find my new dress trousers much too short. Lupin, who is getting beyond his position, found a fault with my wearing ordinary boots instead of dress boots. I replied satirically, my dear son, I have lived to be above that sort of thing. Lupin burst out laughing and said,

A man generally was above his boots. This may be funny, or it may not, but I was gratified. to find he had not discovered the coral had come off one of my studs. Carrie looked a picture, wearing the dress she wore at the mansion house. The arrangement of the drawing-room was excellent. Carrie had hung muslin curtains over the folding doors, and also over one of the entrances, for we had removed the door from its hinges. Mr. Peters, the waiter, arrived in good time,

and I gave him strict orders not to open another bottle of champagne until the previous one was empty. Carrie arranged for some sherry and port wine to be placed on the drawing-room sideboard with some glasses. By the by, our new enlarged and tinted photographs looked very nice on the walls, especially as Carrie has arranged some Liberty Silk bows on the four corners of them. The first arrival was gowing, who, with his usual taste, greeted me with, hello, putter, why your trousers are too short? I simply said, very likely, and you will find my temper short also. He said, that won't make your trousers longer, jug-ins, you should get your missis to put a flounce on them. I wonder I waste my time entering his insulting observations in my diary.

The next arrivals were Mr. and Mrs. Cummings. The former said, as you didn't say anything about dress, I have come, half-dress. He had on a black frock coat and a white tie. The James, Mr. Merton and Mr. Stilbrook arrived, but Lupin was restless and unbearable till his Daisy Muttler and Frank arrived. Carrie and I were rather startled at Daisy's appearance. She had a bright crimson dress on, cut very low in the neck. I do not think such a style modest. She ought to have taken a lesson from Carrie and covered her shoulders with a little lace. Mr. Nackles, Mr. Sprice Hogg and his four daughters came. So did Franching, and one or two of Lupin's new friends, members of the Holloway comedians. Some of these seemed rather theatrical in their

manner, especially one who was posing all the evening, and lent on our little roundtable and cracked it. Lupin called him R. Henry, and said he was our lead at the HCs, and was quite as good in that department as Frank Mutlar was as the low-comedy merchant. All this is Greek to me. We had some music, and Lupin, who never left Daisy's side for a moment, raved over her singing of a song called Someday. It seemed a pretty song, but she made such grimaces, and sang to my mind so out of tune I would not have asked her to sing again. But Lupin made her sing four songs right off, one after the other.

At ten o'clock we went down to supper, and from the way Gowing and Cummings ate, you would have thought they had not had a meal for a month. I told Carrie to keep coming back in case Mr. Perkup should come by mere chance. Gowing annoyed me very much by filling a large tumbler of champagne and drinking it straight off. He repeated this action and made me fear our half-dozen of champagne would not last out. I tried to keep a bottle back, but Lupin got hold of it and took it to the side table with Daisy and Frank Muttler. We went upstairs and the young fellows began sky-fell.

larking. Carrie put a stop to that at once. Stillbrook amused us with a song. What have you done with your cousin John? I did not notice that Lupin and Frank had disappeared. I asked Mr. Watson, one of the holloways, where they were, and he said, it's a case of, oh, what a surprise. We were directed to form a circle, which we did. Watson then said, I have much pleasure in introducing the celebrated blondin donkey. Frank and Lupin then bounded into the room. Lupin had whitened his face like a clown, and Frank had tied round his waist a large hearthrug. He was supposed to be the donkey, and he looked it. They indulged in a very noisy pantomime, and we were all shrieking with laughter. I turned round suddenly, and then I saw Mr. Perk-up standing halfway in the door, he having arrived without our knowing it.

I beckoned to Carrie, and we went up to him at once. He would not come right into the room. I apologise for the foolery, but Mr. Perkup said, Oh, it seems amusing. I could see he was not a bit amused. Carrie and I took him downstairs, but the table was a wreck. There was not a glass of champagne left, not even a sandwich. Mr. Perk-up said he required nothing, but would like a glass of seltzer or soda water.

The last siphon was empty. "'Carry said, we have plenty of port wine left.' Mr. Perk-up said, with a smile, "'No, thank you. I really require nothing, "'but I am most pleased to see you and your husband in your own home. "'Good-night, Mrs. Pouter. You will excuse my very short stay, I know.' I went with him to his carriage, and he said, "'Don't trouble to come to the office till twelve to-morrow.'

I felt despondent as I walked back to the house, and I told Carrie, I thought the party was a failure. Carrie said it was a great success, and I was only tired, and insisted on my having support myself. I drank two glasses and felt much better, and we went into the drawing-room where they had commenced dancing. Carrie and I had a little dance, which I said reminded me of old days. She said I was a spoony old thing. End of chapter. The diary of a nobody by George and Weeden Grossmith read for Librived.

Vox.org by Martin Clifton. Chapter 10 Reflections I make another good joke. I'm annoyed at the constant serving up of the blemange. Lupin expresses his opinion of weddings. Lupin falls out with Daisy Muttler. November the 16th.

Woke up about 20 times during the night with terrible thirst. Finished off all the water in the bottle as well as half that in the jug. kept dreaming also that last night's party was a failure and that a lot of low people came without invitation and kept chaffing and throwing things at mr percup till at last i was obliged to hide him in the box-room which we had just discovered with a bath-towel over him it seems absurd now but it was painfully real in the dream i had the same dream about a dozen times carrie annoyed me by saying you know champagne never agrees with you i told her i had only a couple of glasses of it having kept myself entirely to port i added that good champagne hurt nobody and lupin told me he had only got it from a traveller as a favour as that particular brand had been entirely bought up by a west end club i think i ate too heartily of the side dishes as the waiter called them i said to carrie i wish i had put those side dishes aside i repeated this but carrie was busy packing up the teaspoons we had borrowed of mrs cummings for the party it was just half-past eleven and i was starting for the office when lupin appeared with a yellow complexion and said hello gov what priced head have you got this morning i told him he might just as well speak to me in dutch he added when i worked this morning my head was as big as baldwin's balloon on the spur of the moment i said the cleverest thing

I think I have ever said, viz, perhaps that accounts for the parachuting pains. We all three roared. November the 17th. Still feel tired and headachey. In the evening Gowing called and was full of praise about our party last Wednesday. He said everything was done beautifully, and he enjoyed himself enormously. Gowing can be a very nice fellow when he likes, but you never know how long it will last. for instance he stopped to supper and seeing some blemange on the table shouted out while the servant was in the room hello the remains of wednesday november the eighteenth woke up quite fresh after a good night's rest and feel quite myself again i am satisfied a life of going out and society is not a life for me we therefore declined the invitation which we received this morning to miss bird's wedding we only met her twice at mrs james and it means a present luppin said i am with you for once to my mind a wedding's a very poor play there are only two parts in it the bride and the bridegroom the best man is only a walking gentleman with the exception of a crying father and a sniveling mother the rest are supers who have to dress well and have to pay for their insignificant parts in the shape of costly presents

i did not care for the theatrical slang but thought it clever though disrespectful i told sarah not to bring up the blemange again for breakfast it seems to have been placed on our table at every meal since wednesday comings came round in the evening and congratulated us on the success of our party he said it was the best party he had been to for many a year but he wished we had let him know it was full dress as he would have turned up in his swallow-tails we sat down to him for many a year but he wished we had let him know it was full dress as he would have turned up in his swallow-tails we sat down down to a quiet game of dominoes and were interrupted by the noisy entrance of Lupin and Frank Muttler. Cummings and I asked them to join us. Lupin said he did not care for Dominoes and suggested a game of spoof. On my asking if it required counters, Frank and Lupin in measured time says one, two, three, go. Have you an estate in Greenland? It was simply Greek to me, but it appears it is one of the customs of the Holloway comedians to do this when a member displays ignorance. In spite of my instructions, that Blamange was brought up again for supper. To make matters worse,

there had been an attempt to disguise it by placing it in a glass dish with jam round it. Carrie asked Lupin if he would have some, and he replied, No second-hand goods for me, thank you. I told Carrie, when we were alone, if that Blamenge were placed on the table again, I should walk out of the house. November the 19th, Sunday. A delightfully quiet day. In the afternoon, Lupin was off to spend the rest of the day with the mutlers.

He departed in the best of spirits, and Carrie said, Well, one advantage of Lupin's engagement with Daisy is that the boy seems happy all day long. That quite reconciles me to what I must confess seems an imprudent engagement. Carrie and I talked the matter over during the evening, and agreed that it did not always follow that an early engagement meant an unhappy marriage. Dear Carrie reminded me that we had married early, and with the exception of a few trivial misunderstandings, we had never had a really serious word.

I could not help thinking, as I told her, that half the pleasures of life were derived from the little struggles and small privations that one had to endure at the beginning of one's married life. Such struggles were generally occasioned by want of means, and often helped to make loving couples stand together all the firmer. Carrie said I had expressed myself wonderfully well, and that I was quite a philosopher. We are all vain at times,

and I must confess I felt flattered by Carrie's little compliment. I don't pretend to be able to express myself in fine language, but I feel I have the power of expressing my thoughts with simplicity and lucidness. About nine o'clock, to our surprise, Loupin entered, with a wild, reckless look, and in a hollow voice, which I must say seemed rather theatrical, said, have you any brandy? I said, no, but here is some whiskey. Lupin drank off nearly a wine-glassful without water to my horror. We all three sat reading in silence till ten, when Carrie and I rose to go to bed. Carrie said to Lupin, I hope Daisy is well.

Lupin with a forced careless air that he must have picked up from the Holloway comedians replied, Oh, Daisy, you mean Miss Muttler. I don't know whether she's well or not, but please never to mention her name again in my presence. End of chapter. The Diary of a Nobody by George and Weeden Grossmith. Read for Librivox.org by Martin Clifton. Chapter 11 We have a dose of Irving imitations. acquaintance of a Mr. Padge? Don't care for him. Mr. Berwyn Fossleton becomes a nuisance. November the 20th. Have seen nothing of Lupin the whole day. Bought a cheap address book.

I spent the evening copying in the names and addresses of my friends and acquaintances. Left out the mutlers, of course. November the 21st. Lupin turned up for a few minutes in the evening. asked for a drop of brandy with a sort of careless look, which, to my mind, was theatrical and quite ineffective. I said, my boy, I have none, and I don't think I should give it you if I had. Lupin said, I'll go where I can get some, and walked out of the house. Carrie took the boy's part, and the rest of the evening was spent in a disagreeable discussion, in which the words Daisy and Muttler must have occurred a thousand times.

november the twenty second gowing and comings dropped in during the evening lupin also came in bringing his friend mr berwin fossleton one of the holloway comedians who was at our party the other night and who cracked our little round table happy to say daisy mutler was never referred to the conversation was almost entirely monopolized by the young fellow fossleton who not only looked rather like mr irving but seemed to imagine that he was that he was that he was the young fellow foscelton who not only looked rather like mr irving but seemed to imagine that he was that he was that he was the young fellow the celebrated actor. I must say he gave some capital imitations of him. As he showed no signs of moving at supper time, I said, if you like to stay, Mr Fossleton, for our usual crust, pray do. He replied, oh, thanks, but please call me Berwyn Fosselton. It's a double name. There are lots of Fosselton's, but please call me Burwin Fosselton. He began doing the Irving business all through supper. He sank so low down in his chair that his chin was almost on a level with the table, and twice he kicked Carrie under the table, upset his wine, and flashed a knife

uncomfortably near Gowing's face. After supper he kept stretching out his legs on the fender, indulging in scraps of quotations from plays, which were Greek to me, and more than once knocked over the fire-irons, making a hideous row, poor Carrie already having a bad headache. When he went, he said, to our surprise, I will come tomorrow and bring my Irving make-up. Gowing and Cummings said they would like to see it and would come too. I could not help thinking they might as well give a party at my house while they were about it. However, as Carrie sensibly said,

Do anything dear to make Lupin forget the Daisy Mutler business. November the 23rd In the evening, Cummings came early. Gowing came a little later and brought, without asking permission, a fat and, I think, very vulgar-looking man named Padge, who appeared to be all-moustache. Gowing never attempted any apology to either of us, but said Padge wanted to see the Irving business. To which Padge said, that's right, and that is about all he did say during the entire evening. Lupin came in and seemed in much better spirits. He had prepared a bit of a surprise. Mr. Berwyn Fossleton had come in with him, but had gone upstairs to get ready. In half an hour, Lupin retired from the parlour,

and returning in a few minutes, announced Mr. Henry Irving. I must say we were all astounded. I never saw such a resemblance. It was astonishing. The only person who did not appear interested was the man Padge, who had got the best armchair, and was puffing away at a foul pipe into the fireplace. After some little time, I said, why do actors always wear their hair so long? Carrie, in a moment, said, Mr. Hare doesn't wear long, hair. How we laughed, except Mr. Fossleton,

who said, in a rather patronising kind of way, the joke, Mrs. Pouter, is extremely appropriate, if not altogether new. Thinking this rather a snub, I said, mr fosselton i fancy he interrupted me by saying mr berwin fosselton if you please which made me quite forget what i was going to say to him during the supper mr berwin fosselton again monopolized the conversation with his irving talk and both carrie and i came to the conclusion one can have even too much imitation of irving after supper mr berwing fossleton got a little too boisterous over his irving imitation and so much a little too boisterous over his irving imitation and so much a little too boisterous over his irving imitation and so Suddenly, seizing Gowing by the collar of his coat, dug his thumbnail, accidentally, of course, into Gowing's neck and took a piece of flesh out. Gowing was rightly annoyed, but that man, Padge, who, having declined our modest supper in order that he should not lose his comfortable chair, burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter at the little misadventure.

I was so annoyed at the conduct of Padge, I said, I suppose you would have laughed if he had poked Mr. Gowing's eye out, to which Pudge replied, that's right, and laughed more than ever. I think perhaps the greatest surprise was when we broke up for Mr. Burwing Fossleton said, Good night, Mr. Pouter. I'm glad you liked the imitation. I'll bring the other make-up tomorrow night. November the 24th. I went to town without a pocket-handkerchief. This is the second time I've done this during the last week. I must be losing my memory. Had it not been for this Daisy Muttler business, I would have written to Mr. Berwyn Fossleton and told him I should be out this evening. But I fancy he's the sort of young man who would come

all the same. Dear old Cummings came in the evening, but Gowing sent round a little note saying he hoped I would excuse his not turning up, which rather amused me. He added that his neck was still painful. Of course, Berwyn Fosselton came, but Lupin never turned up, And imagine my utter disgust when the man Padge actually came again, and not even accompanied by going. I was exasperated and said, Mr. Padge, this is a surprise. Dear Carrie, fearing unpleasantness, said, Oh, I suppose Mr. Padge has only come to see the other Irving make-up. Mr. Padge said, that's right, and took the best chair again for which he never moved the whole evening.

My only consolation is he takes no supper, so he's not an expensive guest, but I shall speak to Gowing about the matter. The Irving imitations and conversations occupied the whole evening till I was sick of it. Once we had a rather heated discussion, which was commenced by Cummings, saying that it appeared to him that Mr. Berwyn Fossleton was not only like Mr. Irving, but was in his judgment every way as good or even better. I ventured to remark that, after all, it was but an imitation of an original. coming said surely some imitations were better than the originals i made what i considered a very clever remark without an original there can be no imitation mr berwin fosserton said quite impertinently don't discuss me in my presence if you please and mr putter i should advise you to talk about what you understand to which that cad padd replied that's right dear carrie saved the whole thing by suddenly saying

I'll be Ellen Terry. Dear Carrie's imitation wasn't a bit liked, but she was so spontaneous and so funny that the disagreeable discussion passed off. When they left, I very pointedly said to Mr. Berwyn Fossleton and Mr. Pagge that we should be engaged tomorrow evening.

November the 25th had a long letter from Mr. Fossleton respecting last night's Irving discussion. I was very angry and I wrote and said I knew little or nothing about stage matters, was not in the least interested in them, and positively declined to be drawn into a discussion on the subject, even at the risk of its leading to a breach of friendship. I never wrote a more determined letter. On returning home at the usual

hour on Saturday afternoon, I met near the archway Daisy Mutlar. My heart gave a leap. I bowed rather stiffly, but she affected not to have seen me. Very much annoyed in the evening by the laundress sending home an odd sock. Sarah said she sent two pairs and the laundress declared only a pair and a half were sent. I spoke to carry about it but she rather testily replied, I am tired of speaking to her, you had better go and speak to her yourself, she's outside. I did so but the laundress declared that only an odd sock was sent. Gowing passed into the passage at this time and was rude enough to listen to the conversation, and interrupting said,

"'Don't waste the odd sock, old man, do an act of charity and give it to some poor man with only one leg.' The laundress giggled like an idiot. I was disgusted and walked upstairs for the purpose of pinning down my collar as the button had come off the back of my shirt. When I returned to the parlour, Gowing was retailing his idiotic joke about the old sock, and Carrie was roaring with laughter. I suppose I am losing my sense of humour. i spoke my mind pretty freely about page gowing said he had met him only once before that evening he had been introduced by a friend and as he padge had stood a good dinner gowing wished to show him some little return upon my word gowing's coolness surpasses all belief lupin came in before i could reply and gowing unfortunately inquired after daisy mutler lupin shouted mind your own business sir and bounced out of the room slamming

the door. The remainder of the night was Daisy Matla, Daisy Matla, Daisy Matla. Oh dear. November the 26th, Sunday. The Curate preached a very good sermon today, very good indeed. His appearance is never so impressive as our dear old vicar's, but I am bound to say his sermons are much more impressive. A rather annoying incident occurred, of which I must make mention. Mrs Fernloss, who is quite a grand lady, living in one of those large houses in the Camden Road, stopped to speak to me after church when we were all coming out. I must say I felt flattered, for she is thought a good deal of. I suppose she knew me through seeing me so often take round the plate,

especially as she always occupies the corner seat of the pew. She is a very influential lady and may have had something of the utmost importance to say, but unfortunately, as she commenced to speak, a strong, gust of wind came and blew my hat off into the middle of the road. I had to run after it and had the greatest difficulty in recovering it. When I had succeeded in doing so, I found Mrs. Furnloss had walked on with some swell friends, and I felt I could not well approach her now, especially as my hat was smothered with mud. I cannot say how disappointed I felt. In the evening, Sunday evening, of all others, I found an impertinent note from Mr. Berwyn Fossel to

which ran as follows. Dear Mr. Puta, although your junior by perhaps some 20 or 30 years, which is sufficient reason that you ought to have a longer record of the things and ways in this miniature of a planet, I feel it is just within the bounds of possibility that the wheels of your life

don't travel so quickly round as those of the humble writer of these lines. The dandy horse of past days has been known to overtake the slow coach. do i make myself understood very well then permit me mr putter to advise you to accept the verb sap acknowledge your defeat and take your whipping gracefully for remember you threw down the glove and i cannot claim to be either mentally or physically a coward revenants our new mutton our lives run in different grooves i live for my art the stage your life is devoted to commercial pursuits a life among ledgers my books are of different metal your life in the city is honorable i admit but how different cannot even you see the ocean between us a channel that prevents the meeting of our brains in harmonious accord ah but ch'in has s'gou i have registered a vow to mount the steps of fame i may crawl i may slip i may even falter we are all weak but reach the top rung of the ladder i will

when there my voice shall be heard for i will shout to the multitudes below vici for the present i am only an amateur and my work is unknown forsooth save to a party of friends with here and there an enemy. But, Mr. Puta, let me ask you, what is the difference between the amateur and the professional? None. Stay. Yes, there is a difference. One is paid for doing what the other does as skillfully for nothing. But I will be paid too, for I, contrary to the wishes of my family and friends, have at last elected to adopt the stage as my profession. and when the farce crazes over and mark you that will be soon, I will make my power known, for I feel, pardon my apparent conceit, that there is no living man who can play the humpbacked Richard as I feel and know I can,

and you will be the first to come round and bend your head in submission. There are many matters you may understand, but knowledge of the fine art of acting is to you an unknown quantity. pray let this discussion cease with this letter valet yours truly berwin fosselton i was disgusted when lupin came in i handed him this impertinent letter and said my boy in that letter you can see the true character of your friend lupin to my surprise said oh yes he showed me the letter before he sent it i think he's right and you ought to apologize end of chapter the diary of the nobody by george and weeden grossmith read for librivox dot org by martin clifton chapter twelve a serious discussion concerning the use and value of my diary lupin's opinion of exmas Lupin's unfortunate engagement is on again. December the 17th.

As I open my scribbling diary, I find the words Oxford-Micklema's term ends. Why this should induce me to indulge in retrospective, I don't know, but it does. The last few weeks of my diary are of minimum interest. The breaking off of the engagement between Lupin and Daisy Mutlar has made him a different being, and carry a rather depressing companion. She was a little dull last Saturday, and I thought to cheer her up by reading some extracts from my diary. But she walked out of the room in the middle of the reading, without a word.

On her return, I said, Did my diary bore you, darling? She replied, to my surprise, I really wasn't listening, dear. I was obliged to leave to give instructions to the laundress. In consequence of some stuff she puts in the water, He had two more of Lupin's coloured shirts have run, and he says he won't wear them. I said, everything is looping, it's all looping, looping, looping. There was not a single button on my shirt yesterday, but I made no complaint.

Carrie simply replied, You should do, as all other men do, and wear studs. In fact, I never saw anyone but you wear buttons on the shirt fronts. I said, I certainly wore none yesterday, for there were none on. Another thought that strikes me is that Gowing seldom calls in the evening, and Cummings never does. I fear they don't get on well with Lupin. December the 18th. Yesterday I was in retrospective vein.

Today it is prospective. I see nothing but clouds, clouds, clouds. Lupin is perfectly intolerable over the Daisy Mutler business. He won't say what is the cause of the breach. He is evidently condemning her conduct. and yet if we venture to agree with him says he won't hear a word against her so what is one to do another thing which is disappointing to me is that carrie and lupin take no interest whatever in my diary i broached the subject at the breakfast-table to-day i said i was in hopes that if anything ever happened to me the diary would be an endless source of pleasure to you both to say nothing of the chance of the remuneration which may accrue from its being published both carrie and lupin burst out laughing carrie was sorry for this i could see for she said i did not mean to be rude dear charlie but truly i do not think your diary would sufficiently interest the public to be taken up by a publisher

i replied i am sure it would prove quite as interesting as some of the ridiculous reminiscences that have been published lately besides it's the diary that makes the man where would evelyn and peeps have been if it had not been for their diaries Carrie said I was quite a philosopher, but Lupin, in a jeering tone, said, If it had been written on a larger paper, gove, we might get a fair price from a butterman for it. As I am in the prospective vein, I vow the end of this year, we'll see the end of my diary. December the 19th. The annual invitation came to spend Christmas with Carrie's mother, the usual family festive gathering to which we always look forward. Lupin declined to go.

I was astounded and expressed my surprise and disgust. Lupin then obliged us with the following radical speech. I hate a family gathering at Christmas. What does it mean? Why? Someone says, Ah, we miss poor Uncle James, who was here last year, and we all begin to snivel.

Someone else says, it's two years since poor Aunt Liz used to sit in that corner. Then we all begin to snivel again. then another gloomy relation says are I wonder whose turn it will be next Then we all snivel again And proceed to eat and drink too much And they don't discover until I get up

That we have been seated 13 at dinner December the 20th Went to Smirksson's The Drapers in the Strand Who this year have turned out everything in the shop And devoted the whole place To the sale of Christmas cards Shop crowded with people who seemed to take up the cards rather roughly, and, after a hurried glance at them, throw them down

again. I remarked to one of the young person serving that carelessness appeared to be a disease with some purchases. The observation was scarcely out of my mouth when my thick coat sleeve caught against a large pile of expensive cards in boxes, one on top of the other, and threw them down. The manager came forward, looking very much annoyed, and picked up. picking up several cards from the ground, said to one of the assistants, with a palpable side glance at me, put these amongst the six-bitty goods, they can't be sold for a shilling now. The result was I felt it my duty to buy some of these damaged cards. I had to buy more and pay more than intended. Unfortunately, I did not examine them all, and when I got home I

discovered a vulgar card with a picture of a fat nurse with two babies, one black and the other white, and the words, we wish, pa, a merry Christmas. I tore up the card and threw it away. Carrie said the great disadvantage of going out in society, and increasing the number of our friends, was that we should have to send out nearly two dozen cards this year. December the 21st. To save the postman a miserable Christmas,

we followed the example of all unselfish people, and sent out our cards early. Most of the cards had finger-marks, which I did not notice at night. I shall buy all future cards in the daytime. Lupin, who ever since he has had the appointment with a stock and sharebroker, does not seem over-scrupulous in his dealings, told me never to rub out the pencil price on the backs of the cards.

I asked him why. Lupin said, suppose your card is marked ninepence. Well, all you have to do is to pencil a three and a long downstroke after it in front of the ninepence, and people will think you've given five times. the price for it. In the evening, Lupin was very low-spirited, and I reminded him that behind the cloud the sun was shining. He said, ugh, it never shines on me. I said, stop, Lupin, my boy, you are worried about Daisy Mutlar, don't think of her any more. You ought to congratulate yourself on having got off a very bad bargain. Her notions are far too grand for our simple

tastes. He jumped up and said, I won't allow one word to be uttered against her. She's worth the whole bunch of your friends put together that inflated, sloping head of a perk-up included. I left the room with silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat. December the 23rd, I exchanged no words with Lupin in the morning, but as he seemed to be in exuberant spirits in the evening, I ventured to ask him where he intended to spend his Christmas. He replied, Oh, most likely at the Muttlers. In wonderment, I said, what? After your engagement has been broken off?

Lupin said, who said it's off? I said, you have given us both to understand. He interrupted me by saying, well, never mind what I said, it's on again, there. End of chapter. The Diary of a Nobody by George and Weeden Grossmith read, read, for Librevox.org by Martin Clifton. Chapter 13 I receive an insulting Christmas card.

We spend a pleasant Christmas at Carrie's mothers. A Mr. Moss is rather too free. A boisterous evening during which I am struck in the dark. I receive an extraordinary letter from Mr. Muttler Sr. respecting Lupin. We miss drinking out the old year. December the 25th. I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten shillings to find out who sent me the insulting Christmas card I received this morning.

I never insult people, why should they insult me? The worst part of the transaction is that I find myself suspecting all my friends. The handwriting on the envelope is evidently disguised being written sloping the wrong way. I cannot think either gowing or comings would do such a mean thing. Lupin denied all knowledge of it, and I believe him, although I disapprove of his laughing and sympathising with the offender. Mr. Franching would be above such an act, and I don't think any of the Muttlers would descend to such a course.

I wonder if Pitt, that impudent clerk at the office did it, or Mrs. Beryl the charwoman, or Berwyn Fossilton. The writing is too good for the former. Christmas Day, we caught the ten-twenty train, at Paddington and spent a pleasant day at Carrie's mothers. The country was quite nice and pleasant, although the roads were sloppy. We dined in the middle of the day, just ten of us, and talked over old times. If everybody had a nice, uninterfearing mother-in-law, such as I have, what a deal of happiness there would be in the world. Being all in good

spirits, I proposed her health, and I made, I think, a very good speech. I concluded, Rather neatly by saying, On an occasion like this, whether relatives, friends or acquaintances, we are all inspired with good feelings towards each other. We are of one mind and think only of love and friendship. Those who have quarrelled with absent friends should kiss and make it up. Those who happily have not fallen out can kiss all the same. I saw the tears in the eyes of both Carrie and her mother,

and must say I felt very flattered by the compliment. That dear old Reverend John Pansy Smith, who married us, made a most cheerful and amusing speech and said he should act on my suggestion respecting the kissing. He then walked round the table and kissed all the ladies, including Carrie. Of course one did not object to this, but I was more than staggered when a young fellow named Moss, who was a stranger to me and who had scarcely spoken a word through dinner, jumped up suddenly with a sprig of mistletoe and exclaimed, Hello, I don't see why I shouldn't be on in this scene.

Before one could realize what he was about to do, he kissed Carrie and the rest of the ladies. Fortunately, the matter was treated as a joke, and we all laughed, but it was a dangerous experiment, and I feel very uneasy for a moment as to the result. I subsequently referred to the matter to Carrie, but she said,

Oh, he's not much more than a boy. i said that he had a very large moustache for a boy carrie replied i didn't say he was not a nice boy december the twenty sixth i did not sleep very well last night i never do in a strange bed i feel a little indigestion which one must expect at this time of year carrie and i returned to town in the evening lupin came in late he said he enjoyed his christmas and added i feel as fit as a luther arcade and only require a little more oof to feel as fit as a £500 Stradivarius. I have long since given up trying to understand Lupin's slang or asking him to explain it. December the 27th. I told Lupin I was expecting gowing and cummings to drop in tomorrow evening for a quiet game. I was in hope the boy would volunteer to stay in and help me to amuse them,

instead of which he said, Oh, you'd better put them off, as I've asked Daisy and Frank Muttler to come. I said I could not think of doing such a thing. Lupin said, Then I will send a wire and put off Daisy. I suggested that a postcard or letter would reach her quite soon enough

and would not be so extravagant. Carrie, who had listened to the above conversation with apparent annoyance, directed a well- aimed shaft at Lupin. She said, Lupin, why do you object to Daisy meeting your father's friends. Is it because they are not good enough for her, or, which is equally possible, she is not good enough for them? Lupin was dumbfounded and could make no reply. When he left the

room, I gave Carrie a kiss of approval. December the 28th. Lupin, on coming down to breakfast, said to his mother, I have not put off Daisy and Frank, and should like them to join going and Cummings this evening. I felt very pleased with the boy for this. Carrie said in reply, I am glad you let me know in time, as I can turn over the cold leg of mutton, dress it with a little parsley, and no one will know it has been cut. She further said she would make a few custards and stew some pippins so that they would be cold by the evening. Finding Lupin in good spirits, I asked him quietly if he really had any personal objection to either gowing or cummings. He replied, not in the least i think cummings looks rather an ass but that is partly due to his patronising the three and six one price hat company and wearing a reach-me-down frock coat as for that perpetual brown velveteen jacket of gowings why he resembles an itinerant photographer

i said it was not the coat that made the gentleman whereupon lupon with a laugh replied no and it wasn't much of a gentleman who made their coats we were rather jolly at supper and daisy made herself very agreeable, especially in the earlier part of the evening when she sang. At supper, however, she said, can you make Tito Tums with bread? And she commenced, rolling up pieces of bread and twisting them round on the table. I felt this to be bad manners, but of course said nothing. Presently, Daisy and Lupint, to my disgust, began throwing bread pills at each other. Frank followed suit and so did Cummings and Gowing, to my astonishment. They then commenced throwing hard pieces of crust, one piece catching me on the forehead and making me blink.

I said, steady, please, steady. Frank jumped up and said, Tum-tum, then the band played. I did not know what this meant, but they all roared and continued the bread battle. Gowing suddenly seized all the parsley off the cold mutton and threw it full in my face. I looked daggers at Gowing, who replied, I say it's no good trying to look indignant with your hair full of parsley. I rose from the table and insisted that a stop should be put to this foolery at once. Frank Muttler shouted,

Time, gentlemen, please, time, and burned out the gas, leaving us in absolute darkness. I was feeling my way out of the room when I suddenly received a hard, intentional punch at the back of my head. I said loudly, who did that? There was no answer, so I was. I repeated the question with the same result. I struck a match and lighted the gas. They were all talking and laughing, so I kept my own counsel. But after they had gone, I said to carry, the person

who sent me that insulting postcard at Christmas was here to-night. December the 29th. I had a most vivid dream last night. I woke up and, on falling asleep, dreamed the same dream over again precisely. I dreamt I heard Frank Muttler telling his sister that he had not only sent me the insulting Christmas card, but admitted that he was the one who punched my head last night in the dark. As fate would have it, Lupin at breakfast was reading extracts from a letter he had just received from Frank. I asked him to pass the envelope that I might compare the writing. He did so, and I examined it by the side of the envelope containing the Christmas card. I detected a similarity in the writing, in spite of the attempted disguise.

I passed them on to Carrie, who began to laugh. I asked her what she was laughing at, and she said the card was never directed to me at all. It was L-Pooter, not C-Pooter. Lupin asked to look at the direction in the card, and exclaimed with a laugh, Oh, yes, go, it's meant for me. I said, are you in the habit of receiving insult-and-a-lawful, Christmas cards? He replied, oh yes, and of sending them too. In the evening Gowing called and said he enjoyed himself very much last night. I took the opportunity to confide in him as an old friend

about the vicious punch last night. He burst out laughing and said, Oh, it was your head, was it? I know I accidentally hit something, but I thought it was a brick wall. I told him I felt hurt in both senses of the expression. December the 30th Sunday, Lupin spent the whole day with the mutlers. He seemed rather cheerful in the evening, so I said, I'm glad to see you so happy, Lupin.

He answered, well, Daisy is a splendid girl, but I was obliged to take her old fool of a father down a peg. What, with his meanness over his cigars, his stinginess over his drinks, his farthing economy in turning down the gas if you only quit the room for a second, writing to one on half sheets of note paper,

sticking the remnant of the last cake of soap onto the new cake, putting two bricks on each side of the fireplace, and his general outside haepney bustness. I was compelled to let him have a bit of my mind. I said, Lupin, you're not much more than a boy, I hope you won't repent it. December the 31st, the last day of the old year, I received an extraordinary letter from Mr. Muttler, Sr.

He writes, dear sir for a long time past i have had considerable difficulty deciding the important question who is the master of my own house myself or your son lupin believe me i have no prejudice one way or the other but i have been most reluctantly compelled to give judgment to the effect that i am the master of it under the circumstances it has become my duty to forbid your son to enter my house again i am sorry because it deprives me of the society of one of the most modest and assuming and gentlemanly persons i have ever had the honour of being acquainted with i did not desire the last day to wind up disagreeably so i said nothing to either carry or lupin about the letter A most terrible fog came on and Lupin would go out in it, but promised to be back to drink out the old year, a custom we have always observed. At a quarter to twelve, Lupin had not returned,

and the fog was fearful. As time was drawing close, I got out the spirits. Carrie and I, deciding on whiskey, I opened a fresh bottle. But Carrie said it smelled like brandy. As I knew it to be whiskey, I said there was nothing to discuss. Carrie evidently vexed that Lupin had not come in, did discuss it all the same, and wanted me to have a small wager with her to decide by the smell. I said I could decide it by the taste in a moment. A silly and unnecessary argument followed, the result of which, as we suddenly saw it was a quarter past twelve, and for the first time in our married life, we missed welcoming in the new year.

Lupin got home at a quarter past two, having got lost in the fog. So he said. End of chapter. The diary of a nobody by George and Weeden Grossmith read for Librivox.org by Martin Clifton. Chapter 14 Begin the year with an unexpected promotion at the office. I make two good jokes. I get an enormous rise in my sense.

salary, Lupin speculates successfully and starts a pony trap, have to speak to Sarah, extraordinary conduct of gowings. January the 1st, I had intended concluding my diary last week, but a most important event has happened, so I shall continue for a little while longer on the fly leaves attached to the end of my last year's diary. It had just struck half past one, and I was on the point of leaving the office to have dinner, when I received a message that Mr. Perkup desired to see me at once. I must confess that my heart commenced to beat, and I had most serious misgivings. Mr. Perk-up was in his room writing, and he said, Take a seat, Mr. Puter, I shall not be a moment.

I replied, No, thank you, sir, I'll stand. I watched the clock on the mantelpiece, and I was watching quite twenty minutes, but it seemed hours. Mr. Perkup at last got up himself. I said I hope there is nothing wrong, sir. He replied, Oh, dear no, quite the reverse, I hope. What a weight off my mind.

My breath seemed to come back again in an instant. Mr. Perkup said, Mr. Buckling is going to retire, and there will be some slight changes in the office. You have been with us nearly 21 years, and, in consequence of your conduct, that period, we intend making a special promotion in your favour. We have not quite decided how you will be placed, but in any case there will be a considerable increase in your salary,

which, it is quite unnecessary for me to say, you fully deserve. I have an appointment at two, but you shall hear more tomorrow. He then left the room quickly, and I was not even allowed time or thought to express a single word of grateful thanks to him. I need not say, how dear Carrie received the joyful news. With perfect simplicity, she said, At last we shall be able to have a chimney-glass for the back drawing-room, which we've always wanted. I added,

Yes, and at last you shall have that little costume which you saw at Peter Robinson so cheap. January the 2nd. I was in a great state of suspense all day at the office. I did not like to worry, Mr. Perk-up, but as he did not send for me, and mentioned yesterday that he would see me again today, I thought it better, perhaps, to go to him.

I knocked at his door, and on entering Mr. Perkup said, Oh, it's you, Mr. Puta, do you want to see me? I said, no, sir, I thought you wanted to see me. Oh, he replied, I remember. Well, I'm very busy today. I'll see you tomorrow. January the 3rd, still in a state of anxiety and excitement, which was not alleviated by ascertaining that Mr. Perkup sent word

he should not be at the office today. In the evening, Lupin, who was busily engaged with a paper, said suddenly to me, do you know anything about chalk pits, gov? I said, no, my boy, not that I'm aware of. Lupin said, well, I give you the tip. Chalk pits are as safe as consuls, and pay six percent at par. I said a rather neat thing, viz, they may be six percent at par, but your par has no money to invest. Carrie and I both roared with laughter. Lupin did not take the slightest notice of the joke, although I purposely repeated it for him. But he continued, I give you the tip, that's all chalk pits. I said another funny thing. Mind you, don't fall into them. Lupin put on a supercilious smile and said,

Bravo, Joe Miller. January the 4th. Mr. Perk-up sent for me and told me that my position would be that of one of the senior clerks. I was more than overjoyed. Mr. Perk-up added, He would let me know tomorrow what the salary would be. This means another day's anxiety. I don't mind, for it is anxiety of the right sort.

That reminded me that I had forgotten to speak to Lupin about the letter I received from Mr. Mutlar, Sr. I broached the subject to Lupin in the evening, having first first. consulted Carrie. Lupin was riveted to the financial times as if he had been a born capitalist, and I said, pardon me a moment, Lupin. How is it you have not been to the Muttlers any day this week? Lupin answered, I told you I cannot stand old Muttler. I said, Mr. Muttler writes to me to say pretty plainly that he cannot stand you. Lupin said, well, I like his cheek in writing to you. I will find out if his father is to alive, and I will write to him a note complaining of his son, and I'll state pretty clearly that

his son is a blithering idiot. I said, Lupin, please moderate your expressions in the presence of your mother. Lupin said, I'm very sorry, but there is no other expression one can apply to him. However, I'm determined not to enter his place again. I said, you know, Lupin he has forbidden you the house. Lupin replied, well, we won't split straws, it's all the same. Daisy is a trump and will wait for me ten years if necessary. January the 5th. I can scarcely write the news. Mr. Perk-up told me my salary would be raised £100.

I stood gaping for a moment, unable to realise it. I annually get £10 rise, and I thought it might be 15 or even 20. But £100 surpasses all belief. Carrie and I both rejoiced over our good fortune. Lupin came home in the evening in the utmost good spirits. I sent Sarah quietly around to the grocers for a bottle of champagne, the same as we had before, Jackson Frere. It was opened at supper, and I said to Lupin,

This is to celebrate some good news I've received today. Lupin replied, hooray, Gov, and I have some good news also, a double event, eh? I said, my boy, as a result of 21 years industry and strict attention to the interests of my superiors in office, I have been rewarded with promotion and a rise in salary of £100. Lupin gave three cheers, and we wrapped the table furiously, which brought in Sarah to see what the matter was. Lupin ordered us to fill up again, and, addressing us upstanding, said, having been in the firm of job, clean-ans, stock and shareholders a few weeks, and not having paid particular attention to the interests of my superiors in office,

my governor, as a reward to me, allotted me £5 worth of shares in a really good thing. The result is, today, I have made £200. I said, Lupin, you're joking. No, gov, it's the good old truth. Job, clean hands put me on to claw rates. January the 21st. I am very much concerned at Lupin having started a pony trap. I said, Lupin, are you justified in this outrageous extravagance?

Lupin replied, well, one must get to the city somehow. I've only hired it and can give it up any time I like. I repeated my question. Are you justified in this extravagance? He replied, look here, Gov, excuse me saying so, but you're a bit out of date. It does not pay nowadays fiddling about over small things. i don't mean anything personal governor my boss says if i take his tip and stick to big things i can make big money i said i thought the very idea of speculation most horrifying lupin said it is not speculation it's a dead cert i advised him at all events not to continue the ponian cart but he replied i made two hundred pounds in one day now suppose i only make two hundred pounds in a month or put it out a hundred pounds a month or put it out a hundred pounds a month

month which is ridiculously low, why that is £1,250 a year. What's a few pounds a week for a trap? I did not pursue the subject further, beyond saying that I should feel glad when the autumn came, and Lupin would be of age and responsible for his own debts. He answered, my dear Gov, I promise you faithfully that I will never speculate with what I have not got. I shall only go on job Cleann's tips, and, as he is in the know, it is pretty safe sailing. I felt somewhat relieved. Gowing called in the evening, and, to my surprise, informed me that, as he had made ten pounds by one of Lupin's tips, he intended asking us and the Cummings round next Saturday. Carrie and I said we would be delighted. January the 22nd.

I don't generally lose my temper with servants, but I had to speak to Sarah rather sharp. about a careless habit she has recently contracted of shaking the tablecloth after removing the breakfast things in a manner which causes all the crumbs to fall on the carpet eventually to be troddened in Sarah answered very rudely, oh you're always complaining. I replied, indeed I am not, I spoke to you last week about walking all over the drawing-room carpet with a piece of yellow soap on the heel of your boot. She said, and you're always grumbling about your breakfast. I said, No, I am not, but I feel perfectly justified in complaining that I never can get a hard-boiled egg. The moment I crack the shell, it spurts all over the place, and I have spoken to you at least fifty times about it. She began to cry and make a scene, but fortunately my bus came by, so I had a good excuse for leaving her. Gawing left a message in the evening that we were not to forget next Saturday. Carrie, amusingly said,

As he has never asked any friends before, we are not likely to forget it. January the 23rd, I asked Lupin to try and change the hard brushes he had recently made me a present of for some softer ones, as my hairdresser tells me I ought not to brush my hair too much just now.

January the 24th, the new chimney-glass came home for the back drawing-room. Carrie arranged some fans very prettily on the top and on each side. it is an immense improvement to the room. January the 25th, we had just finished our tea when who should come in but Cummings, who has not been here for over three weeks.

I noticed he looked anything but well, so I said, Well, Cummings, how are you? You look a little blue. He replied, yes, and I feel blue too. I said, why, what's the matter? He said, oh, nothing except that I've been on my back for a couple of weeks, that's all.

At one time my doctor nearly gave me up, yet not a soul has come near me. No one has even taken the trouble to inquire whether I was alive or dead. I said, this is the first I've heard of it. I have passed your house several nights and presumed you had company as the rooms were so brilliantly lighted. Cummings replied, No, the only company I have had was my wife, the doctor and the landlady, the last named, having turned out a perfect trump. I wonder you did not see it in the paper. I know it was mentioned in the bicycle news.

I thought to cheer him up and said, Well, you're all right now. He replied, that's not the question. The question is whether an illness does not enable you to discover who are your true friends. I said such an observation was unworthy of him. To make matters worse,

in came gowing, who gave Cummings of violence, slap on the back and said, "'Hello? Have you seen a ghost? You look scared to death like Irving in Macbeth.' I said, gently, gowing, the poor fellow has been very ill. Gowing roared with laughter and said, "'Yes, and you look it, too.' Cummings quietly said yes, and I feel it too, not that I suppose you care. An awkward silence followed. Gowing said, never mind, Cummings, you and the missis, come round to my place to-morrow, and it will cheer you up a bit, for we'll open a bottle of wine.

january the twenty sixth an extraordinary thing happened carrie and i went round to gawings as arranged at half-past seven we knocked and rang several times without getting an answer at last the latch was drawn and the door opened a little way the chain still being up a man in shirt-sleeves put his head through and said who is it what do you want i said mr gowing he's expecting us the man said as well as i could hear owing to the yapping of a little dog i don't think he is he is he is he is he is expecting us he said as well as i could hear owing to the yapping of a little dog i don't think he is is, Mr. Gowing is not at home. I said he will be in directly. With that observation he slammed the door leaving Carrie and me standing on the steps with a cutting wind blowing round the corner. Carrie advised me to knock again. I did so, and then discovered for the first time that the knocker had been newly painted, and the paint had come off on my gloves, which were, in consequence, completely spoiled. I knocked at the door with my stick two or three times. The man opened the door, taking the chain off this time, and began abusing me.

He said, What do you mean by scratching the paint with your stick like that, spoiling the varnish? You ought to be ashamed of yourself. I said, pardon me, Mr. Gowing invited. He interrupted and said, I don't care for Mr. Gowing or any of his friends. This is my door, not Mr. Gowing's. There are people here besides Mr. Gowing. The impertinence of this man was nothing. I scarcely noticed it. it was so trivial in comparison with the scandalous conduct of Gowing.

At this moment Cummings and his wife arrived. Cummings was very lame and leaning on a stick, but got up the steps and asked what the matter was. The man said, Mr. Gowing said nothing about expecting anyone. All he said was that he had just received an invitation to Croydon and he should not be back till Monday evening. He took his bag with him. With that he slammed the door again.

I was too indignant with Gowing's conduct. to say anything. Cummings looked white with rage and as he descended the steps, struck his stick violently on the ground and said, scoundrel. End of chapter. The Diary of a Nobody by George and Weeden Grossmith read for Librivox.org by Martin Clifton. Chapter 15 Gowing explains his conduct. Lupin takes us for a drive which we don't enjoy.

Lupin introduces us to Mr. Murray-Posh. February the 8th. It does seem hard that I cannot get good sausages for breakfast. They're either full of bread or spice or as red as beef. Still anxious about the £20 I invested last week by Lupin's advice. However, Cummings has done the same. February the 9th. Exactly a fortnight has passed and I have neither seen nor heard from going,

respecting his extraordinary conduct in asking us round to his house and then being out. In the evening, Carrie was engaged marking a half-dozen new collars I had purchased. I'll back Carrie's marking against anybody's. While I was drying them at the fire and Carrie was rebuking me for scorching them, Cummings came in. He seemed quite well again and chaffed us about marking the collars. I asked him if he had heard from Gowing, and he replied that he had not. I said I should not have believed that Gowing could have acted in such an ungentlemanly manner.

Cumming said, you are mild in your description of him. I think he acted like a cad. The words were scarcely out of his mouth when the door opened, and Gowing, putting in his head, said, May I come in? I said, certainly. carrie said very pointedly well you are a stranger gowing said yes i've been on and off to croydon during the last fortnight i could see cummings was boiling over and eventually he tackled gowing very strongly respecting his conduct last saturday week gowing appeared surprised and said why i posted a letter to you in the morning announcing that the party was off very much off i said i never got it gowing turning to carrie said that the party was off very much off i said i never got it Gowing, turning to Carrie, said, I suppose, let us sometimes miss Carrie, don't they, Mrs. Carrie.

Cummings sharply said, this is not a time for joking. I had no notice of the party being put off. I told Pouta in my note to tell you, as I was in a hurry. However, I'll inquire at the post-office, and we must meet again at my place. I added that I hoped he would be present at the next meeting. Carrie roared at this, and even Cummings could not help laughing. February the 10th Sunday. Contrary to my wishes, Carrie allowed Lupin to persuade her to take her for a drive in the afternoon in his trap. I quite disapprove of driving on a Sunday, but I did not like to trust Carrie alone with Lupin, so I offered to go to. Lupin said, now, that is nice of you, Gov, but you won't mind sitting on the back seat of the cart.

Lupin proceeded to put on a bright blue coat that seemed miles too large for him. Carrie said it wanted taking in considerably at the back. Lupin said, haven't you seen a box coat before? You can't drive in anything else. He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall never drive with him again. His conduct was shocking. When we passed Highgate Archway, he tried to pass everything and everybody. He shouted to respectable people who were walking quietly in the road to get out of the way. He flicked the horse of an old man who was riding, causing it to rear. And as I had to ride backwards, I was compelled to face a gang of ruffs in a donkey cart, whom Lupin had chaffed,

and who turned and followed us for nearly a mile, bellowing, indulging in coarse jokes and laughter, to say nothing of occasionally pelting us with orange peel. Lupin's excuse that the Prince of Wales would have to put up with the same sort of thing if he drove to the Derby was of little consolation to either carry or myself. Frank Mutler called in the evening and Lupin went out with him. February the 11th, feeling a little concerned about Lupin, I mustered up courage to speak to Mr. Perkup about him. Mr. Perkup has always been most kind to me, so I told him everything, including Younger.

yesterday's adventure. Mr. Perkup kindly replied, There is no necessity for you to be anxious, Mr. Pouter. It would be impossible for a son of such good parents to turn out erroneously. Remember, he is young and will soon get older. I wish we could find room for him in this firm. The advice of this good man takes loads off my mind. In the evening, Lupin came in.

After our little supper, he said, my dear parents i have some news which i fear will affect you considerably i felt a qualm come over me and said nothing lupin then said it may distress you in fact i'm sure it will but this afternoon i have given up my pony and trap for ever it may seem absurd but i was so pleased i immediately opened a bottle of port gowing dropped in just in time bringing with him a large sheet with a print of a tail-less donkey which he fastened against the wall. He then produced several separate tales, and we spent the remainder of the evening trying blindfolded to pin a tail on in the proper place. My sides positively ached with laughter when I went to bed. February the 12th. In the evening I spoke to Lupin about his engagement with Daisy Mutlar. I asked if he had heard from her, he replied, no, she promised that old windbag of a father of hers that she would not communicate with me.

I see Frank Muttler, of course. In fact, he said he might call again this evening. Frank called, but he said he could not stop, as he had a friend waiting outside for him named Murray Posh, adding he was quite a swell. Carrie asked Frank to bring him in. He was brought in, going, entering at the same time. Mr. Murray Posh was a tall, fat, young man, and was evidently of a very nervous disposition. As he subsequently confessed, he would never go in a handsome cab, nor would he enter a four-wheeler, until the driver had first got on the box with the reins in his hands. On being introduced, gowing with his usual want of tact said, Any relation to Posh's three-shilling hats?

Mr. Posh replied, yes, but please understand I don't. try on hats myself, I take no active part in the business. I replied, I wish I had a business like it. Mr. Posh seemed pleased, and gave a long but most interesting history of the extraordinary difficulties in the manufacture of cheap hats. Murray Posh evidently knew Daisy Muttler very intimately from the way he was talking of her, and Frank said to Lupin once laughingly, if you don't look out, Posh will cut you out. When they had all gone, I referred to this flippant conversation, and Lupin said sarcastically,

A man who is jealous has no respect for himself. A man who would be jealous of an elephant like Murray Posh could only have contempt for himself. I know, Daisy, she would wait ten years for me, as I said before. In fact, if necessary, she would wait twenty years for me. End of chapter. The Diary of a Nobody by George and Weeden Grossmith read for Librivox.org by Martin Clifton. Chapter 16

We lose money over Lupin's advice as to investment, so does Cummings. Murray Posh engaged to Daisy Mutlar. February the 18th, Carrie has several times recently called attention to the thinness of my hair at the top of my head, and recommended me to get it seen to. I was this morning trying to look at it by the aid of a small hand-glass, when somehow my elbow caught against the edge of the chest of drawers had knocked the glass out of my hand and smashed it. Carrie was in an awful way about it,

as she is rather absurdly superstitious. To make matters worse, my large photograph in the drawing-room fell during the night and the glass cracked. Carrie said, mark my words, Charles, some misfortune is about to happen. I said, nonsense, dear. In the evening, Lupin arrived home early and seemed a little agitated. I said, What's up, my boy? He hesitated a good deal and then said, You know those parochika chlorates I advise you to invest twenty pounds in? I replied,

yes, they are all right, I trust. He replied, well, no, to the surprise of everybody. They have utterly collapsed. My breath was so completely taken away I could say nothing. Carrie looked at me and said, What did I tell you? Lupin, after a while, said, However, you are specially fortunate. I received an early tip and sold out yours immediately, and was fortunate to get two pounds for them, so you get something after all. I gave a sigh of relief. I said, I was not so sanguine as to suppose, as you predicted that I should get six or eight times the amount of my investment. Still, a profit of two pounds is a good percentage for such a short time. Lupin said quite irritably, you don't understand.

I sold your £20 shares for £2. You therefore lose £18 on the transaction, whereby Cummins and Gowing will lose the whole of theirs. February the 19th, Lupin, before going to town, said, I'm very sorry about those parochicca chlorates. It would not have happened if the boss Job Cleananz had been in town. Between ourselves, you must not be surprised if something goes wrong at our office.

Job Cleanance has not been seen in the last few days, and it strikes me several people do want to see him very particularly. In the evening, Lupin was just on the point of going out to avoid a collision with gang and comings, when the former entered the room without knocking, but with his usual trick of saying, May I come in? He entered, and, to the surprise of Lupin and myself, seemed to be in the very best of spirits.

Neither Lupin nor I broached the subject to him, but he did so of his own accord. He said, I say those Parachika Chorates have gone an awful smash. You're a nice one, Master Lupin. How much do you lose? Lupin, to my utter astonishment, said, Oh, I had nothing in them.

There was some important. formality in my application. I forgot to enclose the cheque or something, and I didn't get any. The Gov loses 18 pounds. I said, I quite understood you were in it, or nothing would have induced me to speculate. Lupin replied, well, it can't be helped. You must go double on the next tip. Before I could reply, Gowing said, well, I lose nothing, fortunately. From what I heard, I did not quite believe in them, so I persuaded Cummings to take my £15 worth, as he had more faith in them than I had. Lupin burst out laughing, and in the most unseemly manner said, Alas, poor Cummings, he'll lose £35. At that moment there was a ring at the bell.

Lupin said, I don't want to meet Cummings. If he had gone out of the door, he would have met him in the passage, so as quickly as possible, Lupin opened the parlour window and got out. Gowing jumped up suddenly, exclaiming, I don't want to see him either, and before I could say a word, he followed Lupin out of the window. For my own part, I was horrified to think that my own son and one of my most intimate friends should depart from the house like a couple of interrupted burglars. Poor Cummings was very upset, and naturally was very angry both with Lupin and Goward. I pressed him to have a little whiskey, and he replied he had given up whiskey, but would like a little unsweetened, as he was advised it was the most healthy spirit. I had none in the house, but sent

Sarah round to Lockwood's Foursome. February the 20th. The first thing that caught my eye on opening the standard was great failure of stock and share dealers, Mr. Job Cleanans absconded. I handed it to carry, and she replied, oh, perhaps it's for Lupin's good. I never did think it a suitable situation for him. I thought the whole affair very shocking. Lupin came down to breakfast, and seeing he looked painfully distressed, I said, We know the news, my dear boy, and feel very sorry for you. Lupin said, how did you know? Who told you? I handed him the standard.

He threw the paper down and said, Oh, I don't care a button for that. I expected that, but I did not expect this. He then read a letter from Frank Muttler, announcing in a cool manner that Daisy Muttler is to be married next month to Murray Posh. I exclaimed, Murray Posh is not that the very man Frank had the impudence to bring here last Tuesday week? Lupin said, yes, the Posh's three-shilling hats chap. We all then ate our breakfast in dead silence. In fact, I could eat nothing.

I was not only too worried, but I cannot and will not eat. cushion of bacon. If I cannot get streaky bacon, I will do without anything. When Lupin rose to go, I noticed a malicious smile creep over his face. I asked him what it meant. He replied, oh, only a little consolation. Still, it is a consolation. I have just remembered that, by my advice, Mr. Murray-Posh has invested six hundred pounds in Parachica Chlorates. End of chapter. The Diary of a Nobody by George. and Weeden Grosssmith.

Read for Librevox.org by Martin Clifton. Chapter 17 Marriage of Daisy Mutlar and Murray Posh. The dream of my life realized Mr. Perkup takes Lupin into the office. March the 20th. Today being the day on which Daisy Mutlar and Mr. Murray Posh are to be married, Lupin has gone with a friend to spend the day at Graves' end.

Lupin has been much cut up over the effect. although he declares that he is glad it is off. I wish he would not go to so many musicals, but one dare not say anything to him about it. At the present moment he irritates me by singing all over the house some nonsense about what's the matter with Gladstone, he's all right, what's the matter with Lupin, he's all right. I don't think either of them is.

In the evening, Gowing called, and the chief topic of conversation was Daisy's marriage to Murray Posh. I said I was glad. the matter was at an end, as Daisy would only have made a fool of Lupin. Gowing, with his usual good taste, said, Oh, Master Lupin can make a fool of himself without any assistance. Carrie very properly resented this, and Gowing had sufficient sense to say he was sorry. March the 21st. Today I shall conclude my diary, for it is one of the happiest days of my life, my great dream of the last few weeks, in fact of many years, has been realised.

This morning came a letter from Mr. Perkup asking me to take Lupin down to the office with me. I went to Lupin's room. Poor fellow he seemed very pale and said he had a bad headache. He had come back yesterday from Gravesend, where he spent part of the day in a small boat on the water, having been mad enough to neglect to take his overcoat with him. I showed him Mr. Perkut's letter and he got up as quickly as possible. I begged of him not to put on his fast-coloured clothes and ties, but to dress in something black or quiet-looking.

Carrie was all of a tremble when she read the letter, and all she could keep on saying was, Oh, I do hope it will be all right. For myself, I could scarcely eat any breakfast. Lupin came down, dressed quietly and looking a perfect gentleman, except that his face was rather yellow. Carrie, by way of encouragement, said, You do look nice, Lupin.

Lupin replied, yes, it's a good makeup, isn't it? A regular, downright, respectable, funereal, first-class, city firm, junior clerk. He laughed rather ironically. In the hall I heard a great noise, and also Lupin shouting to Sarah to fetch down his old hat. I went into the passage and found Lupin in a fury, kicking and smashing a new tall hat. I said, Lupin, my boy, what are you doing? How wicked of you. Some poor fellow would be glad to have it.

Lupin replied, I would not insult any poor fellow by giving it to him. When he had gone outside, I picked up the battered hat and saw inside Posh's patent. Poor Lupin, I can forgive him. It seemed hours before we reached the office, Mr. Perk-up sent for Luping, who was with him nearly an hour. He returned, as I thought, crestfallen in appearance. I said, well, Lupin, how about Mr. Perkup? Lupin commenced his song, What's the matter with Perk-up? He's all right. I felt instinctively my boy was engaged. I went to Mr. Perk-up, but I could not speak. He said, well, Mr. Puter, what is it?

I must have looked a fool, for all I could say was, Mr. Perk-up, you're a good man. He looked at me for a moment and said, No, Mr. Puta, you are the good man, and we'll see if we cannot get your son to follow such an excellent example. I said, Mr. Perkut, may I go home, I cannot work any more today. My good master shook my hand warmly as he nodded his head. It was as much as I could do to prevent myself from crying in the bus. In fact, I should have done so had my thoughts not been interrupted by Lupin,

who was having a quarrel with a fat man in the bus. whom he accused of taking up too much room. In the evening, Carrie sent round for dear old friend Cummings and his wife, and also to Gowing. We all sat round the fire, and in a bottle of Jackson Frere, which Sarah fetched from the grocer's, drank Lupin's health. I lay awake for hours thinking of the future. My boy in the same office as myself. We can go down together by the bus, come home together, and who knows, but in the course of time, he may take great interest in our little home, that he may help me to put a nail in here,

or a nail in there, or help his dear mother to hang a picture. In the summer he may help us in our little garden with the flowers and assist us to paint the stands and the pots. By the by, I must get in some more enamel paint. And this I thought over and over again at a thousand happy thoughts beside. I heard the clock strike four, and soon after fell asleep, only to dream of three happy people, Lupin, dear Carrie, and myself. End of chapter. The Diary of a Nobody by George and Weeden Grossmith, read for Librivox.org by Martin Clifton.

Chapter 18. Trouble with a stylographic pen. We go to a volunteer ball where I am let in for an expensive supper. Grossly insulted by a cabman. an odd invitation to south end april the eighth no events of any importance except that gawing strongly recommended a new patent stylographic pen which cost me nine and sixpence and which was simply nine and sixpence thrown in the mud it has caused me constant annoyance and irritability of temper the ink oozes out of the top making a mess on my hands and once at the office when i was knocking the palm of my hand on the desk to jerk the ink down mr percup who had just entered called out stop that knocking i suppose that is you mr pitt the young monkey pitt took a malicious glee in responding quite loudly no sir i beg pardon it is mr putter with his pen it has been going on all the morning To make matters worse, I saw Lupin laughing behind his desk. I thought it wiser to say nothing. I took the pen back to the shop, and asked them if they would take it back as it did not act.

I did not expect the full price returned, but was willing to take half. The man said he could not do that. Buying and selling were two different things. Lupin's conduct during the period he has been in Mr. Perkup's office has been most exemplary. My only fear is it is too good to last. April 9th, Gawing called, bringing with him an invitation for Carrie and myself, to a ball given by the East Acton Rifle Brigade, which he thought would be a swell affair, as the member for East Acton, Sir William Grime, had promised his patronage.

We accepted of his kindness, and he stayed to supper. On occasion I thought suitable for trying a bottle of El Jara that Mr James of Sutton had sent him. me as a present. Gowing sipped the wine, observing he had never tasted it before, and further remarked that his policy was to stick to more recognised browns. I told him it was a present from a dear friend, and one mustn't look a gift-horse in the mouth. Gowing facetiously replied, and he didn't like putting it in the mouth either. I thought the remarks were rude, without being funny, but on tasting it myself came to the conclusion there was some jubesion.

justification for them. The sparkling Al Jara is very like cider, only more sour. I suggested that perhaps the thunder had turned it a bit acid. He merely replied, oh, I don't think so. We had a very pleasant game of cards, though I lost four shillings and Carrie lost one, and Gowing said he had lost about sixpence. How he could have lost, considering that Carrie and I were the only other players remains a mystery. April the 14th, Sunday. Owing, I presume to the unsettled weather, I awoke with a feeling that my skin was drawn over my face as tight as a drum. Walking around the garden with Mr. Mrs. Treene, members of our congregation who had walked back with us, I was much annoyed to find a large newspaper full of bones on the gravel path,

evidently thrown over by those young Griffin boys next door, who, whenever we have friends, climb up the empty steps inside their conservatory tap at the windows making faces whistling and imitating birds april the fifteenth burnt my tongue most awfully with the worcester sauce through that stupid girl sarah shaking the bottle violently before putting it on the table april the sixteenth the night of the east acton volunteer ball on my advice carrie put on the same dress that she looked so beautiful in at the mansion house for it had occurred to me being a military ball that mr percup who i believe is an officer in the honore artillery company would in all probability be present lupin in his usual incomprehensible language remarked that he had heard it was a bounder's ball i didn't ask him what he meant though i didn't understand where he gets these expressions from i don't know he certainly doesn't learn them at home the invitation was for half-past eight, so I concluded if we arrived an hour later we should be in good time without being unfashionable, as Mr James says. It was very difficult to find, the cabman having to get down several times to inquire at different

public houses where the drill hall was. I wonder at people living in such out-of-the-way places. No one seemed to know it. However, after going up and down a good many badly lighted streets, we arrived at our destination. I had no idea it was so far from Holloway. I gave the cabman five shillings, who only grumbled, saying it was dirt cheap at half a sovereign, and was impertinent enough to advise me the next time I went to a ball to take a bus. Captain Welkett received us, saying we were rather late, but that it was better late than never. He seemed a very good-looking

gentleman, though, as carry remarked rather short for an officer. He begged to be excused for leaving us as he was engaged for a dance and hoped we should make ourselves at home. Carrie took my arm and we walked around the rooms two or three times and watched the people dancing. I couldn't find a single person I knew, but attributed it to most of them being in uniform. As we were entering the supper room, I received a slap on the shoulder, followed by a welcome shake of the hand. I said, Mr. Padge, I believe. He replied, that's right. i gave carry a chair and seated by her was a lady who made herself at home with carry at once there was a very liberal repast on the tables plenty of champagne claret etc and in fact everything seemed to be done regardless of expense mr padge is a man that i admit i have no particular liking for but i felt so glad to come across someone i knew that i asked him to sit at our table and i must say that for a short fat man he looked well in uniform

although I think his tunic was rather baggy in the back. It was the only supper room I have been in that was not overcrowded. In fact, we were the only people there, everybody being so busy dancing. I assisted Carrie and her newly formed acquaintance, who said her name was Lutkin, to some champagne. Also myself, and handed the bottle to Mr. Padge to do likewise, saying, You must look after yourself. He replied, that's right, and poured out half. for Tumblr and drank Carrie's health, coupled, as he said, with a worthy lord and master.

We all had some splendid pigeon pie and ices to follow. The waiters were very attentive and asked if we would like some more wine. I assisted Carrie and her friend and Mr. Padge, also some people who had just come from the dancing room who were very civil. It occurred to me at the time that perhaps some of the gentlemen knew me in the city, as they were being so polite. I made myself useful and assisted several ladies to Isis, remembering an old saying that there is nothing lost by civility. The bands struck up for the dance, and they all went into the ballroom.

The ladies, Carrie and Mrs. Lutkin, were anxious to see the dancing, and, as I had not quite finished my supper, Mr. Padge, offered his arms to them, and escorted them to the ballroom, telling me to follow. I said to Mr. Padge, it is quite a west end of her. affair. To which remark, Mr. Padge replied, that's right. When I had quite finished my supper and was leaving, the waiter who had been attending on us, arrested my attention by tapping me on the shoulder. I thought it unusual for a waiter at a private ball to expect a tip, but nevertheless gave a shilling, as he had been very attentive. He smilingly replied, I beg your pardon, sir, this is no good, alluding to the shilling. Your parties had four suppers at five shillings ahead, five ices at one shilling, three bottles of champagne at eleven and sixpence, a glass of claret,

and a sixpenny cigar for the stout gentleman, in all three pounds, nought shillings, and sixpence. I didn't think I was ever so surprised in my life, and had only sufficient breath to inform him that I had received a private invitation, to which he answered that he was perfectly well aware of that, but that the invitation didn't include eatables and drinkables. A gentleman who was standing at the bar corroborated the waiter's statement and assured me it was quite correct. The waiter said he was extremely sorry if I'd been under any misapprehension, but it was not his fault. Of course, there was nothing to be done but to pay, so after turning out my pockets, I just managed to scrape up sufficient, all but nine shillings, but the manager on my giving my card to him said, that's all right.

I don't think I ever felt more humiliated in my life, and I determined to keep this misfortune from Carrie, or it would entirely destroy the pleasant evening she was enjoying. I felt there was no more enjoyment for me that evening, and it being late, I sought Carrie and Mrs. Lutkin. Carrie said she was quite ready to go, and Mrs. Lutkin, as we were wishing her good night, asked Carrie and myself if we ever paid a visit to South End.

On my replying that I hadn't been there for me, many years, she very kindly said, well, why don't you come down and stay at our place? As her invitation was so pressing and observing that Carrie wished to go, we promised we would visit her the next Saturday week and stay till Monday. Mrs. Lutkin said she would write to us tomorrow, giving us the address and particulars of trains, etc. When we got outside the drill hall, it was raining so hard that the roads resembled canals, and I need hardly say we had great difficulty in getting a cabman to take us to Holloway.

After waiting for a bit, a man said he would drive us anyhow as far as the Angel at Islington, and we could easily get another cab from there. It was a tedious journey. The rain was beating against the windows and trickling down the inside of the cab. When we arrived at the Angel, the horse seemed tired out. Carrie got out and ran into a doorway, and when I came to pay to my absolute horror, I remembered I had no money, nor had carry. I explained to the cabman how we were situated. Never in my life have I ever been so

insulted. The cabman, who was a rough bully and, to my thinking not sober, called me every name he could lay his tongue to, and positively seized me by the beard, which he pulled till the tears came into my eyes. I took the number of a policeman who witnessed the assault for not taking the man in charge. A policeman said he couldn't interfere that he had seen no assault and that people should not ride in cabs without money. We had to walk home in the pouring rain nearly two miles, and when I got in I put down the conversation I had had with the cabman word for word, as I intend writing to the telegraph, for the purpose of proposing that cabs should be driven only by men under government control, to prevent civilians being subjected to the disgraceful insult and outrage

I had had to endure. April the 17th, no water in our cistern again, sent for Putley, who said he would soon remedy that, the cistern being zinc. April the 18th, water all right again in the cistern, Mrs. James of Sutton called in the afternoon, she and Carrie draped the mantelpiece in the drawing-room, and put little toy spiders, frogs and beetles all over it, as Mrs. James says it's quite the hashan. It was Mrs. James' suggestion, and, of course, Carrie always does what Mrs. James suggests. For my part, I preferred the mantelpiece as it was, but there I am a plain man, and don't pretend to be in the fashion.

April the 19th, our next-door neighbour Mr. Griffin, called, and in a rather offensive tone, accused me, or someone, of boring a hole in his cistern, and letting out his water to supply our cistern which adjoined his. he said he should have to have his repaired and send us in the bill. April the 20th, Cummings called, hobbling in with a stick saying he had been on his back for a week. It appears he was trying to shut his bedroom door, which is situated just at the top of the staircase, and, unknown to him, a piece of cork the dog had been playing with, had got between the door and prevented it shutting. And in pulling the door hard, to give it an extra slam, the handle came off in his hand, and he fell backwards downstairs. On hearing this, Lupin suddenly jumped up from the couch

and rushed out of the room sideways. Cummings looked very indignant and remarked it was very poor fun, a man nearly breaking his back, and though I had my suspicions that Lupin was laughing, I assured Cummings that he had only run out to open the door to a friend he expected. Cummings said this was the second time he had been later, and we had never sent to inquire. I said, I knew nothing about it.

Cummings said it was mentioned in the bicycle news. April the 22nd. I have, of late, frequently noticed, Carrie rubbing her nails a good deal with an instrument. And on asking her what she was doing, she replied, Oh, I'm going in for manicuring, it's all the fashion now. I said, I suppose Mrs. James introduced that into your head? Carrie laughingly replied, yes, but everyone does it now. I wish Mrs James wouldn't come to the house.

Whenever she does, she always introduces some new-fangled rubbish into Carrie's head. One of these days I feel sure I shall tell her she's not welcome. I'm sure it was Mrs. James, who put Carrie up to writing on dark slate-coloured paper with white ink. Nonsense. April the 23rd received a letter from Mrs. Lupkin of South End, telling us the train to come by on Saturday, and hoping we'll keep our promise to stay with her. the letter concluded you must come and stay at our house we shall charge you half what you will have to pay at the royal and the view is every bit as good looking at the address at the top of the note-paper i found it was lupkins family and commercial hotel

i wrote a note saying we were compelled to decline her kind invitation carrie thought this very satirical and to the point by the by i will never choose another cloth pattern at night i ordered a new suit of dittos for the garden of the garden of the gardener at Edwards and chose the pattern by gaslight, and they seemed to be a quiet pepper and salt mixture with white stripes down. They came home this morning, and, to my horror, I found it was quite a flash-looking suit. There was a lot of green with bright yellow-coloured stripes. I tried on the coat and was annoyed to find Carrie giggling. She said, what mixture did you say you asked for? I said a quiet pepper and salt. Carrie said, well, It looks more like mustard if you want to know the truth. End of chapter.

April the 27th, kept a little later than usual at the office, and as I was hurrying along, a man stopped me, saying, Hello, that's a face I know. I replied politely, very likely, lots of people know me, although I may not know them. He replied, But you know me, Teddy Finsworth. So it was. He was at the same school with me. I had not seen him for years and years. No wonder I did not know him. At school, he was at least a head taller than I was. Now I am at least a head taller than he is, and he has a thick beard almost grey. He insisted on my having a glass of wine, a thing I never do, and told me he lived at Middlesbrough, where he was deputy town clerk, a position which was as high as the town clerk of London, in fact, higher. He added that he was staying for a few days in London with his uncle, Mr. Edgar Paul Finsworth, of

Finsworth and Pultwell. He said he was sure his uncle would be only too pleased to see me, and he had a nice house, Wattney Lodge, only a few minutes walk from Muswell Hill Station. I gave him our address, and we parted. In the evening, to my surprise, he called with a very nice letter from Mr. Finsworth, saying if we, including Carrie, would dine with them tomorrow, Sunday at two o'clock, he would be delighted. Carrey did not like to go, but Teddy Finsworth pressed us so much we consented. Carrie sent Sarah round to the butchers and countermanded our half-leg of mutton

which we had ordered for tomorrow. April the 28th Sunday, we found Watney Lodge farther off than we anticipated and only arrived as the clock struck two, both feeling hot and uncomfortable. To make matters worse, a large collie-dog pounced forward to receive us. He barked loudly and jumped up at Carrie,

covering her light skirt, which she was wearing for the first time with mud. Teddy Finsworth came out and drove the dog off and apologised. We were shown into the drawing room which was beautifully decorated. It was full of knick-knacks and some plates hung up on the wall. There were several little wooden milk stools with paintings on them, also a white wooden banjo painted by one of Mr. Paul Finsworth's nieces, a cousin of Teddy's.

Mr. Paul Finsworth seemed a quiet and distinctly. distinguished-looking elderly gentleman, and was most gallant to carry. There were a great many watercolours hanging on the walls, mostly different views of India, which were very bright. Mr. Finsworth said they were painted by simps, and added that he was no judge of pictures himself, but had been informed on good authority that they were worth some hundreds of pounds, although he had only paid a few shillings apiece for them, frames included, at a sale in the neighbourhood. There was also a large picture in a very handsome frame done in coloured crayons. It looked like a religious subject.

I was very much struck with the lace collar, it looked so real, but I unfortunately made the remark that there was something about the expression of the face that was not quite pleasing. It looked pinched. Mr. Finsworth sorrowfully replied, yes, the face was done after death, my wife's sister. I felt terribly awkward and bowed apologetically, and in a whisper said I hope I had not hurt his feelings. We both stood looking at the picture for a few minutes in silence,

when Mr. Finsworth took out a handkerchief and said, She was sitting in our garden last summer, and blew his nose violently. He seemed quite affected, so I turned to look at something else and stood in front of the portrait of her jolly-looking middle-aged gentleman with a red face and straw hat. I said to Mr. Finsworth, Who is this jovial-looking gentleman? Life doesn't seem to trouble him much.

Mr. Finsworth said, No, it doesn't. He is dead too, my brother. I was absolutely horrified at my own awkwardness. Fortunately, at this moment, Carrie entered with Mrs. Finsworth, who had taken her upstairs to take off her bonnet and brush her skirt. Teddy said,

Short is late, but at that moment the gentleman referred to arrived, and I was introduced to him by Teddy, who said, short? I replied, smiling, that I had not had that pleasure, but I hoped it would not be long before I knew Mr. Short. He evidently did not see my little joke, although I repeated it twice with a little laugh. I suddenly remembered it was Sunday, and Mr. Short was perhaps very particular. In this I was mistaken, for he was not at all particular in several of his remarks after dinner. In fact, I was so ashamed of one of his observations that I took the opportunity to say

to Mrs. Finsworth, that I feared she found Mr. Short occasionally a little embarrassing. To my surprise, she said, oh, he's privileged, you know. I did not know, as a matter of fact, and so I bowed apologetically. I failed to see why Mr. Short should be privileged. Another thing that annoyed me at dinner was that the collie dog, which jumped up at Carrie, was allowed to remain under the dining-room table. It kept growling and snapping at my boots every time I moved my foot. Feeling nervous, rather, I spoke to Mrs. Finnsworth about the animal, and she remarked, It's only his play.

She jumped up and let in a frightfully ugly-looking spaniel called Bibbs, which had been scratching at the door. This dog also seemed to take a fancy to my boots, and I discovered afterwards that it had licked off every bit of blacking from them. I was positively ashamed of being seen in them. Mrs. Finnsworth, who I must say is not much of a Job's comfort. said, Oh, we're used to bibbs doing that to our visitors. Mr. Finnsworth had up some fine port, although I question whether it is a good thing to take on the top of beer. It made me feel a little

sleepy, which had the effect of inducing Mr. Short to become privileged to rather an alarming extent. It being cold, even for April, there was a fire in the drawing-room. We sat around in easy chairs, and Teddy and I waxed rather eloquent over the old school days, which had the effect of sending all the others to sleep. I was delighted, as far as Mr. Short was concerned, that it did have that effect on him. We stayed till four, and the walk home was remarkable, only for the fact that several fools giggled at the unpolished state of my boots. Polished them myself when I got home. Went to church in the evening, and could scarcely keep awake. I will not take port on the top of beer again. April the 29th, I'm getting quite

accustomed to being snubbed by Lupin, and I do not mind being sat upon by Carrie, because I think she has a certain amount of right to do so. But I do think it hard to be at once snubbed by wife, son, and both my guests. Gowing and Cummings had dropped in during the evening, and I suddenly remembered an extraordinary dream I had a few nights ago, and I thought I would tell them about it. I dreamt I saw some huge blocks of ice in a shop, with a bright glare behind them. I walked into the sharp and the heat was overpowering. I found the blocks of ice were on fire. The whole thing was so real and yet so supernatural, I woke up in a cold perspiration. Lupin, in a most contemptuous manner, said, what utter rot! Before I could reply, Gowing said there was nothing so completely

uninteresting as other people's dreams. I appealed to Cummings, but he said he was bound to agree with the others, and my dream was especially nonsensical. I said, it seemed so real to me. I said, it seemed so real to me. Gowing replied, yes, to you, perhaps, but not to us, whereupon they all roared. Carrie, who had hitherto been quiet, said, he tells me his stupid dreams every morning nearly. I replied, very well, dear, I promise you, I will never tell you, or anybody else, another dream of mine, the longest day I live. Luppin said, here, here, and helped himself to another glass of beer. The subject was fortunately changed, and Cummings read a most interesting article, on the superiority of the bicycle to the horse.

End of chapter. The Diary of a Nobody by George and Weeden Grossmith read for Librivox.org by Martin Clifton. Chapter 20 Dinner at Franchings to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttall. May the 10th received a letter from Mr. Franching of Peckham, asking us to dine with him tonight at seven o'clock to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttall, a very clever writer for the American papers.

Franching apologised for the short notice, but said he had, at the last moment, been disappointed of two of his guests, and regarded us as old friends who would not mind filling up the gap. Carrie rather demurred at the invitation, but I explained to her that Franching was very well often influential, and we could not afford to offend him. And we are sure to get a good dinner and a good glass of champagne. "'Which never agrees with you,' Kerry replied sharply. "'I regarded Carrie's observation as unsaid. "'Mr. Franching asked us to wire a reply.

"'As he had said nothing about dress in the letter, "'I wired back, with pleasure, is it full dress?' "'And by leaving out our name, "'just got the message within the sixpence. "'Got back early to give time to dress, "'which we received a telegram instructing us to do.' I wanted Carrie to meet me at Franching's house, but she would not do so, so I had to go home to fetch her. What a long journey it is from Holloway to Peckham.

Why do people live such a long way off? Having to change buses, I allowed plenty of time, in fact too much, for we arrived at twenty minutes to seven, and Franching, so the servant said, had only just gone up to dress. However, he was down as the clock struck seven. he must have dressed very quickly. I must say it was quite a distinguished party, and although we did not know anybody personally, they all seemed to be quite swells.

Franching had got a professional waiter, and evidently spared no expense. There were flowers on the table round some fairy lamps, and the effect, I must say, was exquisite. The wine was good, and there was plenty of champagne, concerning which, Franching said he, himself, never wished to taste better. We were ten in number and a menu card to each.

One lady said she always preserved the menu and got the guests to write their names on the back. We all of us followed her example except Mr. Huttall, who was, of course, the important guest. The dinner party consisted of Mr. Franching, Mr. Hardfur Huttall, Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Hillbutter, Mrs. Field, Mr. and Mrs. Perdick, Mr. Pratt, Mr. R. Kent, and last, but not least Mr. and Mrs. Charles Puter. Franching said he was sorry he had no lady for me to take in to dinner. I replied that I preferred it, which I afterwards thought was a very uncomplimentary observation to make. I sat next to Mrs. Field at dinner.

She seemed a well-informed lady, but was very deaf. It did not much matter, for Mr. Hardford Huttall did all the talking. He is a marvellously intellectual man and says things which, from other people, seem quite alarming. How I wish I could remember even a quarter of his brilliant conversation. I made a few little reminding notes on the menu card. One observation struck me as being absolutely powerful, though not to my way of thinking, of course. Mrs. Purdyk happened to say, you are certainly unorthodox, Mr. Huttall. Mr. Huttall, with a peculiar expression, I can see it now, said in a slow, rich voice, Mrs. Purdyk, orthodox, is a

grandiloquent word implying sticking in the mud. If Columbus and Stevenson had been orthodox, there would neither have been the discovery of America nor the steam engine. There was quite a silence. It appeared to me that such teaching was absolutely dangerous, and yet I felt, in fact we must all have felt, there was no answer to the argument. A little later on Mrs. Perdick, who is Franching's sister, and also acted as hostess, rose from the table, and Mr. Huttall said, Why ladies do you deprive us of your company so soon? Why not wait while we have our cigars? The effect was electrical. The ladies, including Carrie, were in no way inclined to be deprived of Mr. Huttall's fascinating society, and immediately resumed their seats amid much laughter

and a little chaff. Mr. Huttall said, well, that's a really good sign. You should not be insulted by being called orthodox any longer. Mrs. Perdick, who seemed to be a bright and rather sharp woman, said, Mr. Huttall, we will meet you halfway, that is, till you get halfway through your cigar, that at all events will be the happy medium. I shall never forget the effect of the words happy medium had upon him. He was brilliant and most daring in his interpretation of the words. He positively alarmed me. He said something like the following. Happy medium, indeed. Do you know happy medium are two words which mean miserable mediocrity? I say go first class or third, marry a Duchess or her kitchen-maid.

The happy medium means respectability, and respectability means insipidness. Does it not, Mr. Pouter? I was so taken aback by being personally appealed to that I could only bow apologetically and say, I feared I was not competent to offer an opinion. Carrie was about to say something, but she was interrupted, for which I was rather pleased, for she is not clever at argument, and one has to be extra clever to discuss a subject with a man like Mr. Huttall. He continued with an amazing eloquence that made his unwelcome opinions positively convincing.

A happy medium is nothing more or less than a vulgar half-measure, a man who loves champagne, and, finding a pint too little, fears to face a whole bottle, and has a happy to make a whole bottle, has recourse to an imperial pint, which will never build a Brooklyn Bridge or an Eiffel Tower. No, he is half-hearted. He is a half-measure. Respectable, in fact, a happy medium, and will spend the rest of his days in suburban villa with a stucco-column portico resembling a four-post bedstead. We all laughed. That sort of thing, continued Mr. Huttall, belongs to a soft man with a soft beard, with a soft head, with a maid tie that hooks on. This seemed rather personal, and twice I caught myself looking in the glass of the chiffonier,

for I had on a tie that hooked on, and why not? If these remarks were not personal, they were rather careless, and so were some of his subsequent observations, which must have made both Mr. Franching and his guests rather uncomfortable. I don't think Mr. Hudd meant to be personal, for he added, we don't know that class here in this country, but we do in America, and I've no use for them. Franching several times suggested that the wine should be passed round the table, which Mr. Huttall did not heed, but continued as if you were giving a lecture. What we want in America is your homes. We live on wheels.

Your simple, quiet life and home, Mr. Franching, are charming, no display, no pretension. You make no difference in your dinner, I dare say, when you sit down. by yourself and when you invite us. You have your own personal attendant, no hired waiter to breathe on the back of your head. I saw Franching palpably wince at this." Mr. Huttall continued, "'Just a small dinner with a few good things such as you have this evening. You don't insult your guests by sending to the grocer for champagne at six shillings a bottle.' I could not help thinking of Jackson Frere at three and six. In fact, said Mr. Huttall, a man is little less than a murderer who does.

That is the province of the milk-sop who wastes his evening at home playing dominoes with his wife. I've heard of these people. We don't want them at this table. Our party is well selected. We have no use for deaf old women who cannot follow intellectual conversation. All our eyes were turned to Mrs. Field, who, fortunately, being deaf, did not hear his remarks, but continued smiling approval. We have no representative at Mr. Franching's table, Mr. Huttall, of the unenlightened, frivolous matron who goes to a second-class dance at Bayswater

and fancies she is in society. Society does not know her, it has no use for her. Mr. Huttall paused for a moment, and the opportunity was afforded for the ladies to rise. I asked Mr. Franching quietly to excuse me, as I did not wish to miss the last train, which we very nearly did by the by, through Carrie having mislaid the little cloth cricket cap, which she wears when we go out. It was very late when Carrie and I got home, but on entering the sitting-room I said, Carrie, what do you think of Mr. Hardfur Huttle?

She simply answered, how like Lupin? The same idea occurred to me in the train. The comparison kept me awake half the night. Mr. Huttall was, of course, an older and more influential man, but he was like Lupin. And it made me think how dangerous Lupin would be if he were older and more influential. I feel proud to think Lupin does resemble Mr. Huttall in some ways.

Lupin, like Mr. Huttall, has original and sometimes wonderful ideas. But it is those ideas that are so dangerous. They make men extremely rich or extremely poor. They make or break men. I always feel people are happier who live a simple, unsophisticated life. I believe I am happy because I am not ambitious. Somehow I feel that Lupin, since he has been with Mr. Perkup, has become content to settle down and follow the footsteps of his father. This is a comfort.

End of chapter. The Diary of a Nobody by George and Weeden Grossmith. Read for Librivox.org by Martin Clifton. Chapter 21 Lupin is discharged. We are in great trouble. Lupin gets engaged elsewhere at a handsome salary. May the 13th. A terrible misfortune has happened. Lupin is discharged from Mr. Perkup's office,

and I scarcely know how I am writing my diary. I was away from the office last sat, the first time I have been absent through illness for twenty years. I believe I was poisoned by some lobster. Mr. Perkup was also absent, as fate would have it, and our most valued customer, Mr. Crobillon, went to the office in a rage and withdrew his custom. boy Lupin not only had the assurance to receive him, but recommended him the firm of Gilterson's sons and co-limited. In my own humble judgment, and though I have to say it against my own son, this seems an act of treachery. This morning I received a letter from Perk-up informing me that Lupin services are no longer required, and an interview with me is desired

at eleven o'clock. I went down to the office with an aching heart, dreading an interview with Mr. Perkup, with whom I have never had a word. I saw nothing of Lupin in the morning. He had not got up when it was time for me to leave, and Carrie said I should do no good by disturbing him. My mind wandered so at the office that I could not do my work properly. As I expected, I was sent for by Mr. Perkup, and the following conversation ensued as nearly as I can remember it. Mr. Perkup said, Good morning, Mr. Puter. This is a very serious business. I am not referring so much to the dismissal of your son, for I knew we should have to part sooner or later.

I am the head of this old, influential and much-respected firm, and when I consider the time has come to revolutionise the business, I will do it myself. I could see my good master was somewhat affected, and I said, I hope so, sir, you do not imagine that I have in any way countenance my son's unwarrantable interference. Mr. Perkup rose from his seat and took my hand and said, Mr. Puta, I would as soon suspect myself as suspect you. I was so agitated that in the confusion to show my gratitude, I very nearly called him a grand old man.

Fortunately, I checked myself in time and said he was a grand old master. I was so unaccountable for my actions that I sat down, leaving him standing. Of course, I at once rose, but Mr. Perkup bade me sit down, which I was very pleased to do. Mr. Perk-up, resuming, said, You will understand, Mr. Poutre, that the high-standing nature of our firm will not admit of our bending to anybody. If Mr. Crobillon chooses to put his work in other hands, I may add less experienced hands, it is not for us to bend and beg back his custom. You shall not do it, sir, I said with indignation.

Exactly, replied Mr. Perk-up, I shall not do it. But I was thinking this, Mr. Pooter, Mr. Cropter, Mr. Crobillon is our most valued client, and I will even confess, for I know this will not go beyond ourselves, that we cannot afford very well to lose him, especially in these times which are not of the brightest. Now, I fancy you can be of service. I replied, Mr. Perkup, I will work day and night to serve you. Mr. Perkup said, I know you will. Now, what I should like you to do is this.

You yourself might write to Mr. Crobillon, you must not, of course, lead him to suppose I know anything about your doing so, and explain to him that your son was only taken on as a clerk, quite an inexperienced one, in fact, out of the respect the firm had for you, Mr. Buter. This is, of course, a fact. I don't suggest you should speak in too strong terms of your own son's conduct, but I may add that, had he been a son of mine, I should have condemned his interference with no measured terms. That I leave to you. I think the result will be that Mr. Crobillon will see the force of the foolish step he has taken, and our firm will neither suffer in dignity nor in pocket.

I could not help thinking what a noble gentleman Mr. Perk-up is. His manners and his way of speaking seem to almost thrill one with respect. I said, would you like to see the letter before I send it? Mr. Perk-up said, oh no, I'd better not. I am supposed to know nothing about it, and I have every confidence in you. You must write the letter carefully. We are not very busy. You had better take the morning tomorrow, or the whole day, if you like.

I shall be here myself all day tomorrow, in fact, all of the week, in case Mr. Crobillon should call. I went home a little more cheerful, but I left word with Sarah that I could not see either gowing or comings, nor, in fact, anybody if they called in the evening. Lupin came into the parlour for a moment with a new hat on, and asked my opinion of it. I said I was not in the mood to the judge of hats, and I did not think he, he was in a position to buy a new one, Lupin replied carelessly, I didn't buy it, it was a present.

I have such terrible suspicions of Lupin now that I scarcely like to ask him questions as I dread the answer so, however he saved me the trouble. He said, I met a friend, an old friend, that I did not quite think a friend at the time, but it's all right, as he wisely said, all is fair in love and war,

and there was no reason why we should not be friends still. He's a jolly, good, all-round sort of fellow, and very different stamp from that inflated fall of a percamp. I said, hush, Lupin, do not pray add insult to injury. Lupin said, What do you mean by injury? I repeat, I have done no injury. Crobillon is simply tired of a stagnant stick in the mud firm, and made the change of his own account.

I simply recommended the new firm as a matter of biz. Good old biz. I said quietly, I don't understand. understand your slang and at my time of life have no desire to learn it, so, Lupin, my boy, let us change the subject. I will, if it please you, try and be interested in your new hat adventure. Lupin said, oh, there's nothing much about it, except I have not once seen him since his marriage, and he said he was very pleased to see me, and hoped we should be friends. I stood a drink to cement the friendship, and he stood me a new hat, one of his own.

I said rather wearily, but you have not told me your old friend's name. Lupin said with affected carelessness, Oh, didn't I? Well, I will. It was Murray-Posh. Lupin came down late, and seeing me at home all the morning, asked the reason of it. Carrie and I both agreed it was better to say nothing to him about the letter I was writing, so I evaded the question. Lupin went out, saying he was going to lunch with Murray-Posh in the city. I said I hoped Mr Posh would provide him with a birth.

Lupin went out laughing, saying, I don't mind wearing Posh's one-priced hats, but I'm not going to sell them. Poor boy, I fear he is perfectly hopeless. It took me nearly the whole day to write to Mr. Crobillon. Once or twice, I asked Carrie for suggestions, and although it seems ungrateful, her suggestions were none of them to the point, while one or two were absolutely idiotic.

Of course I did not tell her so. I got the letter off and took it down to the office for Mr. Perkup to see, but he again repeated that he could trust me. Gowing called in the evening, and I was obliged to tell him about Lupin and Mr. Perkup, and, to my surprise, he was quite inclined to side with Lupin. Carrie joined in and said she thought I was taking much too melancholy a view of it. Gowing produced a pint sample bottle of Madeira which had been given to him which he said would get rid of the blues. I dare say it would have done so if there had been more of it, but as Gowing helped himself to three glasses, it did not leave much for Carrie and me to get rid of the blues with. May the 15th the day of great anxiety,

for I expected every moment a letter from Mr. Crobillon. Two letters came in the evening, one for me with Crobillon Hall, printed in large gold and red letters on the back of the envelope, the other for Lupin, which I felt inclined to open and read, as it had Gilterson's Sons and Co-limited, which was the recommended firm. I trembled as I opened Mr. Crobillon's letter. I wrote him sixteen pages, closely written. He wrote me less than sixteen lines. His letter was, Sir, I totally disagree with you. Your son, in the course of five minutes conversation, displayed more intelligence than your firm has done during the last five years. Your son, faithfully, Gilbert E. Gillum O. Crobillon.

What am I to do? Here is a letter that I dare not show to Mr. Perk-up, and would not show to Lupin for anything. The crisis had yet to come, for Lupin arrived, and opening his letter, showed a check for twenty-five pounds as a commission for the recommendation of Mr. Croballon, whose custom to Mr. Perk-up is evidently lost forever. Cummings and Gowing both called and both took Lupin's part. Cummings went so far as to say that Lupin would make a name yet. I suppose I was melancholy, for I could only ask, yes, but what sort of a name?

May the 16th, I told Mr. Perkup, the contents of the letter in a modified firm, but Mr. Perkup said, Pray don't discuss the matter. It is at an end, your son will bring his punishment upon himself. I went home in the evening, thinking of the hopeless future of Lupin. I found him in the most extravagant spirits and in evening dress. He threw a letter on the table for me to read. To my amazement I read that Gilterson and Sons had absolutely engaged Lupin

at a salary of £200 a year with other advantages. I read the letter through three times and thought it must have been for me, but there it was, Lupin Puta, plain enough. I was silent. Lupin said, What price per cup now? You take my tip, gull. off with Perk-up and freeze onto Gilterson the firm of the future. Perk-up's firm, the stagnant

dummies have been standing still for years, and now I'm moving back. I want to go on. In fact I must go off as I am dining with the Murray-Poshes to-night. In the exuberance of his spirits he hit his hat with a stick and gave a load, war-woo-jumped over a chair and took the liberty of rumpling my hair all over my forehead, and bounced out of the room, giving me no chance of reminding him of his age and the respect which was due to his parent. Gowing and Cummings came in the evening and positively cheered me up with congratulations respecting Lupin. Gowing said, I always said he would get on and take my word he has more in his head than we three put together. Carrie said, he's a second hard-for-huttle. End of chapter.

The Diary of a Nobody by George and Weeden Grossmith Read for Librivox.org by Martin Clifton Chapter 22 Master Percy Edgar Smith James Mrs James of Sutton visits us again and introduces spiritual seances May the 26th Sunday We went to Sutton after dinner to have meat tea with Mr and Mrs James I had no appetite having done

well at two, and the entire evening was spoiled by little Percy, their only son, who seems to me to be an utterly spoiled child. Two or three times he came up to me and deliberately kicked my shins. He hurt me once so much that the tears came into my eyes. I gently remonstrated with him, and Mrs. James said, Please don't scold him. I do not believe in being too severe with young children, you spoil their character." Little Percy set up a deafening yell here, and when Carrie tried to pacify him, he slapped her face. I was so annoyed, I said,

This is not my idea of bringing up children, Mrs. James?" Mrs. James said people have different ideas of bringing up children. Even your son Lupin is not the standard of perfection. A Mr. Metzini, an Italian I fancy, here took Percy in his lap. The child wriggled and kicked and broke away from Mr. Medzini, saying, I don't like you, you've got a dirty face. A very nice gentleman, Mr. Burke's spooner, took the child by the wrist and said, Come here, dear, and listen to this.

He detached his chronometer from the chain and made his watch strike six. To our horror, the child snatched it from his hand and bounced it down upon the ground, like one would a ball. Mr. Burke's spooner was most amiable, and said he could easily get a new glass put in and did not suppose the works were damaged. To show you how people's opinions differ, Carrie said the child was bad-tempered, but it made up for that defect by its looks, for it was, in her mind, an unquestionably beautiful child. I may be wrong, but I do not think I have seen a much uglier child myself, that is my opinion. May the 30th. I don't know why it is, but I never anticipate with any pleasure the visits to our house of Mrs. James of Sutton.

She is coming again to stay for a few days. I said to Carrie this morning, as I was leaving, I wish, dear Carrie, I could like Mrs. James better than I do. Carrie said, so do I, dear, but as for years I've had to put up with Mr. Gam, who is vulgar, and Mr. Cummings, who is kind but most uninteresting, I am sure, dear, you won't mind the occasional visits of Mrs. James, who has more intellect in her little finger than both your friends have in their entire bodies. I was so entirely taken aback by this onslaught on my two dear old friends I could say nothing, and as I heard the bus coming I left with a hurried kiss.

A little too hurried, perhaps, for my upper lip came in contact with Carrie's teeth and slightly cut it. It was quite painful for an hour afterwards. When I came home in the evening I found Carrie buried in a book on spiritualism, called There is No Birth by Florence Singolite. I need scarcely say the book was sent her to read by Mrs. James of Sutton. As she had not a word to say outside her book, I spent the rest of the evening altering the stair carpets, which are beginning to show signs of where at the edges. Mrs. James arrived, and, as usual, in the evening, took the entire management of everything. Finding that she and Carrie were making some preparations for table-turning,

I thought it time really to put my foot down. I've always had the greatest contempt for such nonsense, and put an end to it years ago when Carrie at our old house used to have seances every night with poor Mrs. Fusters, who is now dead. If I could see any use in it, I would not care. As I stopped it in the days gone by, I determined to do so now. I said, I am very sorry, Mrs. James, but I totally disapprove of it, apart from the fact that I receive my old friends on this evening.

Mrs. James said, do you mean to say you haven't read, There is no birth? I said no, and I have no intention of doing so. Mrs. James seemed surprised and said, All the world is going mad over the book. I responded, rather cleverly, let it. There will be one sane man in it at all events. Mrs. James said she thought I was very unkind, and if people were all as prejudiced as I was, there would never have been the electric telegraph or the telephone.

I said that was quite a different thing. Mrs. James said sharply, in what way pray, in what way? I said, in many ways. Mrs. James said, well-mentioned one way. I replied quietly, Pardon me, Mrs. James, I declined to discuss the matter. I am not interested in it.

Sarah, at this moment, opened the door and showed in Cummings, for which I was thankful, for I felt it would put a stop to this foolish table turning. But I was entirely mistaken, for, on the subject being opened again, Cummings said he was most interested in spiritualism,

although he was bound to confess he did not believe much in it. Still, he was willing to be convinced. I firmly declined to take any part in it, with the result that my presence was ignored. I left the three sitting in the parlour at a small round table which they had taken out of the drawing-room. I walked into the hall with the ultimate intention of taking a little stroll. As I opened the door, who should come in but gowing. On hearing what was going on, he proposed that we should join the circle, and he would

into a trance. He added that he knew a few things about Old Cummings and would invent a few about Mrs. James. Knowing how dangerous Gowing is, I decline to let him take part in any such foolish performance. Sarah asked me if she could go out for half an hour, and I gave her permission, thinking it would be more comfortable to sit with going in the kitchen than in the cold drawing-room. We talked a good deal about Lupin and Mr. and Mrs. Murray-Posh, with whom he is, as usual, spending the evening. Gowing said, I say it wouldn't be a bad thing for Lupin if old Posh kicked the bucket. My heart gave a leap of horror, and I rebutte Gowing very sternly for joking on such a subject. I lay awake half the night thinking of it. The other

half was spent in nightmares on the same subject. May the 31st, I wrote a stern letter to the laundress. I was rather pleased with the letter, for I thought it very satirical. I said, you have returned the handkerchiefs without the colour. Perhaps you will return either the colour or the value of the handkerchiefs. I shall be rather curious to know what she will have to say. More table turning in the evening. Carrie said last night was in a measure successful, and they ought to sit again.

Cummings came in and seemed interested. I had the gas lighted in the drawing-room, got the steps, and repaired the cornice, which has been a bit of an eyesore to me. In a fit of unthinkingness, if I may use such an expression, I gave the floor over the parlour where the seance was taking place, two loud raps with the hammer. I felt sorry afterwards for it was sort of ridiculous, foolhardy thing that gowing or lupin would have done. However, they never even referred to it, but Carrie declared that a message came through

the table to her of a wonderful description concerning someone whom she and I knew years ago, and who was quite unknown to the others. When we went to bed, Kerry asked me as a favour to sit tomorrow night to oblige her. She said, it seemed rather unkind and unsociable on my part. I promised I would sit once. June the first. I sat reluctantly at the table in the evening, and I am bound to admit some curious things happened. I contend they were coincidences, but they were curious. For instance, the table kept tilting towards me, which Carrie construed as a desire that I should ask the spirit a question. I obeyed the rules, and I asked the spirit who said her name was Lena, if she could tell me the name of an old aunt of whom I was thinking,

and whom we used to call Aunt Maggie. The table spelt out C-A-T. We could make nothing of it, till I suddenly remember that her second name was Catherine, which it was a-t-o-t. Which it was evidently trying to spell. I don't think even Carrie knew this. But if she did, she would never cheat. I must admit it was curious. Several other things happened, and I consented to sit at another sales on Monday. June the 3rd. The laundress called and said she was very sorry about the handkerchiefs and returned ninepence. I said, as the colour was completely washed out and the handkerchiefs quite spoiled, ninepence was not enough. Carrie replied that the two handkerchiefs originally only cost sixpence, for she remembered buying them at a sale at the Holloway

Bon Marche. In that case I insisted that threpanse should be returned to the laundress. Lupin has gone to stay with the Poshes for a few days. I must say I feel very uncomfortable about it. Carrie said I was ridiculous to worry about it. Mr. Posh was very fond of who, after all, was only a mere boy. In the evening we had another seance, which in some respects was very remarkable, although the first part of it was a little doubtful. Gowing called as well as Cummings, and begged to be allowed to join the circle. I wanted to object, but Mrs. James, who appears a good medium, that is, if there is anything in it at all, thought there might be a little more spirit power if Gowing joined. So the five of us,

down. The moment I turned out the gas, and almost before I could get my hands on the table, it rocked violently and tilted, and began moving quickly across the room. Gowing shouted out, Wayo! steady, lad, steady! I told Gowing if he could not behave himself, I should light the gas and put an end to the saunce. To tell the truth I thought Gowing was playing tricks, and I hinted as much. But Mrs. James said she had often seen the table go right off the ground.

The spirit Lena came again and said, "'Worn, three or four times, and declined to explain. Mrs. James said Lena was stubborn sometimes. She often behaved like that, and the best thing to do was to send her away. She then hit the table sharply and said, Go away, Lena, you are disagreeable, go away. I think we sat nearly three-quarters of an hour with nothing happening. My hands felt quite cold, and I suggested we should stop the sail.

else. Carrie and Mrs. James, as well as Cummings, would not agree to it. It was about ten minutes time there was something tilting towards me. I gave the alphabet, and it spelled out S-P-O-O-O-F. As I have heard both Gowing and Lupin used the word, and as I could hear Gowing silently laughing, I directly accused him of pushing the table. He denied it, but I regret to say I did not believe him. Gowing said, perhaps it means spook or ghost. I said, you know it doesn't mean anything of the sort. Gowing said, oh very well, I'm sorry, I spook. And he rose from the table. No one took any notice of the stupid joke, and Mrs. James suggested he should sit out for a while. Gowing consented and sat in the armchair. The table began to move again, and we might have had a wonderful

sales, but for Gowing's stupid interruptions. In answer to the alphabet from Carrie, the table spelt N-I-P-U-L, then the W-A-R-N three times. We could not think what it meant, till Cummings pointed out that N-I-P-U-L was Lupin spelled backwards. This was quite exciting. Carrie was particularly excited and said she hoped nothing horrible was going to happen. Mrs. James asked if Lina was the spirit, and the table replied firmly, No, and the spirit would not give his or her name. We then had the message, N-I-P-U-L, will be very rich. Carrie said she felt quite relieved, but the word warn was again spelled out.

The table then began to oscillate violently, and in reply to Mrs. James, who spoke very softly to the table, the spirit began. to spell its name. It first spelled D-R-I-N-K. Gowing here said, ah, that's more in my line. I asked him to be quiet, as the name might not be completed. The table then spelt W-A-T-E-R. Gowing here interrupted again and said, ah, that's not in my line. Outside, if you like, but not inside. Carrie appealed to him to be quiet. The table then spelled Captain and Mrs. James, us by crying out, Captain Drinkwater, a very old friend of my father's, who has been dead some years. This was more interesting, and I could not help thinking that, after all, there must be something in spiritualism.

Mrs. James asked the spirit to interpret the meaning of the word worn, as applied to N-I-P-U-L. The alphabet was given again, and we got the word B-O-S-H. Gowing here muttered, so it is. Mrs. James said she did not think the spirit meant that, as Captain Drinkwater was a perfect gentleman, and would never have used the word in answer to a lady's question. Accordingly, the alphabet was given again. This time the table spelled distinctly P-O-S-H. We all thought of Mrs. Murray-Posh and Lupin.

Carrie was getting a little distressed, and as it was getting late we broke up the circle. arranged to have one more tomorrow, as it will be Mrs. James last night in town. We also determined not to have Gowing present. Cummings, before leaving, said it was certainly interesting, but he wished the spirits would say something about him. June the 4th. Quite looking forward to the sales this evening, was thinking of it all day at the office. Just as we sat down at the table, we were annoyed by Gowing, entering without knocking. He said, I'm not going to stop, but I have brought with me a sealed envelope, which I know I can trust with Mrs. Poutre. In that sealed envelope is a strip of paper on which I have asked a simple question.

If the spirits can answer that question, I will believe in spiritualism. I ventured the expression that it might be impossible. Mrs. James said, oh no, it is of common occurrence for the spirits to answer questions under such conditions, and even for them to write on locked slates. is quite worth trying. If Lena isn't a good temper, she is certain to do it." Gowing said, all right, then I shall be a firm believer. I shall perhaps drop in about half-past nine or ten, and hear the result. He then left, and we sat a long time. Cummings wanted to know something about some undertaking in which he was concerned, but he could get no answer

of any description whatever, at which he said he was very disappointed and was afraid there was not much in table-turning after all. I thought this rather selfish of him. The seance was very similar to the one last night, almost the same, in fact. So we turned to the letter. Lina took a long time answering the question, but eventually spelled out roses, lilies, and cows. There was a great rocking of the table at this time, and Mrs. James said, If that is Captain Drinkwater, let us ask him the answer as well. It was the spirit of the captain, and most singular, he gave the same identical answer, roses, lilies, and cows. I cannot describe the agitation with which Carrie broke the seal, or the disappointment

we felt on reading the question, to which the answer was so inappropriate. The question was, what's old pooter's age? This quite decided me, as I had put my foot down on spiritualism years ago, so I would again. I'm pretty easy-going as a rule, but I can be extremely. extremely firm when driven to it. I said slowly, as I turned up the gas, This is the last of this nonsense that shall ever take place under my roof. I regret I permitted myself to be a party to such tomfoolery. If there is anything in it, which I doubt,

it is nothing of any good, and I won't have it again. That is enough. Mrs. James said, I think, Mr. Pouty, you are rather overstepping. I said, hush, madam, I am master of this house, understand that. Mrs. James made an observation which I sincerely hope I was mistaken in. I was in such a rage I could not quite catch what she said, but if I thought she said what it sounded like, she should never enter the house again. End of chapter. The Diary of a Nobody by George and Weedman Grossmith read for Librivox.org by Martin Clifton. lupin leaves us we dine at his new apartments and hear some extraordinary information respecting the wealth of mr murray posh meet miss lillian posh am sent for by mr hard for little important july the first i find on looking over my diary nothing of any consequence has taken place during the last month to-day we lose lupin who has taken furnished apartments at bayswater near his friends mr and mrs shiwere mr and mrs Murray-Posh, at two guineas a week. I think this is most extravagant of him, as it is half his salary. Lupin says one never loses by a good address, and, to use his own expression, Brookfield Terrace is a bit off.

Whether he means it is far off, I do not know. I have long since given up trying to understand his curious expressions. I said the neighbourhood had always been good enough for his parents. His reply was, it is no question of being good or bad, there is no money in it, and I am not going to rot away my life in the suburbs. We are sorry to lose him, but perhaps he will get on better by himself, and there may be some truth in his remark that an old and a young horse can't pull together in the same cart. Gowing called and said that the house seemed quite peaceful and like old times. He liked Master Lupin very well, but he occasionally suffered from what he could not help, youth. July the 2nd, Cummings Call looked very pale and said he had been very ill again, and of course not a single friend had been near him. Carrey said she had never heard of it,

whereupon he threw down a copy of the bicycle news on the table with the following paragraph. We regret to hear that favourite old roadster Mr. Cummings, long Cummings, has met with what might have been a serious accident in Rye Lane, A mischievous boy threw a stick between the spokes of one of the back wheels and the machine overturned, bringing our brother tricyclist heaving to the ground. Fortunately he was more frightened than hurt, but we missed his merry face at the dinner at Chingford, where they turned up in good numbers. Long Cummings Health was proposed by our popular vice, Mr. Westrop, the Prince of Bicyclists, who in his happiest vein said it was

a case of Cummings through the Rye, but fortunately there was more wheel than woe, a joke which created roars of laughter. We all said we were very sorry and pressed Cummings to stay to supper. Cummings said it was like old times being without Lupin, and he was much better away. July the 3rd, Sunday. In the afternoon, as I was looking out of the parlour window, which was open, a grand trap, driven by a lady with a gentleman seated by the side of her, stopped at our door. Not wishing to be seen, I withdrew my head very quickly, knocking the back of it violently against the sharp edge of the window-sash. I was nearly stunned. There was a loud double knock at the front door. Carrie rushed out of the parlour upstairs to her room, and I followed,

as Carrie thought it was Mr. Perk-up. I thought it was Mr. Franching. I whispered to, to Sarah over the banisters, show them into the drawing-room. Sarah said, as the shutters were not open, the room would smell musty. There was another loud rat-tat. I whispered then, show them into the parlour, and say, Mr. Pouter will be down directly. I changed my coat, but could not see to do my hair as Carrie was occupying the glass. Sarah came up and said it was Mrs. Murray-Posh and Mr. Lupin. This was quite a relief. I went down with Carrie, and Lupin met me with the remark, I say, what did you run away from the window for?

Did we frighten you? I foolishly said, what window? Lupin said, oh, you know, shut it. You looked as if you were playing at Punch and Judy. On Carrie asking if she could offer them anything, Lupin said, Oh, I think Daisy will take on a cup of tea. I can do with a B and S.

I said, I'm afraid we have no soda. Lupin said, don't bother about that. You just trip out and hold the horse. I don't think Sarah understands it. they stayed a very short time and as they were leaving lupin said i want you both to come and dine with me next wednesday and see my new place mr and mrs murray posh miss posh murray's sister are coming eight o'clock sharp no one else i said we did not pretend to be fashionable people and would like the dinner earlier as it made it so late before we got home lupin said rats you must get used to it if it comes to that daisy and i can drive you home we promised to go but i must say in my simple mind the familiar way in which Mrs. Posh and Lupin addressed each other is reprehensible. Anybody would think they'd been children together. I certainly should object to a six-month's

acquaintance calling my wife, Carrie, and driving out with her. July the 4th. Lupin's rooms looked very nice, but the dinner was, I thought, a little too grand, especially as he commenced with champagne straight off. I also think Lupin might have told us that he and Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh and Miss Posh were going to put on full evening dress. Knowing that the dinner was only for six, we never dreamed it would be a full dress affair. I had no appetite. It was quite twenty minutes past eight before we sat down to dinner. At six I could have eaten a hearty meal. I had a bit of bread and butter at that hour, feeling famished, and I expect that partly spoiled my appetite.

We were introduced to Miss Posh, whom Lupin called Lily Girl, as if he had known her all his life. She was very tall, rather plain, and I thought she was a little painted around the eyes. I hope I am wrong, but she had such fair hair, and yet her eyebrows were black. She looked about thirty. I did not like the way she kept giggling and giving Lupin smacks and pinching him. Then her laugh was a sort of scream that went right through my ears, all the more irritating because there was nothing to laugh at. In fact, Carrie and I were not at all pre-possessed with her. They all smoked cigarettes after dinner, including Miss Posh, who startled Carrie by saying,

Don't you smoke, dear? I answered for Carrie and said, Mrs. Charles Pouter has not arrived at it yet. Whereupon Miss Posh gave one of her piercing laughs again. Mrs. Posh sang a dozen songs at least, and I can only repeat what I have said before. She does not sing in tune. But Lupin sat by the size. of the piano, gazing into her eyes the whole time. If I had been Mr. Posh, I think I should have

had something to say about it. Mr. Posh made himself very agreeable to us, and eventually sent us home in his carriage, which I thought most kind. He is evidently very rich, for Mrs. Posh had on some beautiful jewellery. She told Carrie her necklace, which her husband gave her as a birthday present, alone, cost three hundred pounds. Mr. Posh said he had a great belief in Lupin, and thought he would make rapid way in the world. I could not help thinking of the £600 Mr Posh lost over the Parachika Clorets through Lupin's advice.

During the evening I had an opportunity to speak to Lupin and expressed a hope that Mr Posh was not living beyond his means. Lupin sneered and said Mr. Posh was worth thousands. Posh's one-price hat was a household word in Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, and all the big towns throughout England. Lupin further informed me that Mr. Posh was opening branch establishments at New York, Sydney and Melbourne, and was negotiating for Kimberley and Johannesburg. I said I was pleased to hear it.

Lupin said, why he has settled over £10,000 on Daisy, and the same amount on Lily Girl. If at any time I wanted a little capital, he would put up a couple of Thao at a day's notice, and could buy up Perkins firm over his head at any moment with ready cash. On the way home in the carriage, for the first time in my life, I was inclined to indulge in the radical thought that money was not properly divided. On arriving home at quarter-past eleven we found a handsome cab which had been waiting for me for two hours with a letter. Sarah said she did not know what to do as we had not left the address where we had gone.

I trembled as I opened the letter fearing it was something. some bad news about Mr. Percup. The note was, Dear Mr. Poutre, come down to the Victoria Hotel without delay, important, yours truly hard for huddle. I asked the cabman if it was too late. The cabman replied that it was not, for his instructions were, if I happened to be out, he was to wait till I came home. I felt very tired and really wanted to go to bed. I reached the hotel at quarter before midnight. I apologise for being so late, but Mr. Huttall said, Not at all.

Come and have a few oysters. I feel my heart beating as I write these words. To be brief, Mr. Huttall said he had a rich American friend who wanted to do something large in our line of business, and that Mr. Franching had mentioned my name to him. We talked over the matter. If, by any happy chance, the result, be successful, I can more than compensate my dear master for the loss of Mr. Crobberon.

custom mr huddle had previously said the glorious fourth is a lucky day for america and as it has not yet struck twelve we will celebrate it with a glass of the best wine to be had in the place and drink good luck to our bit of business i fervently hope it will bring good luck to us all it was two o'clock when i got home although i was so tired i could not sleep except for short intervals then only to dream i kept dreaming of mr percup and mr huddle. The latter was in a lovely palace with a crown on. Mr. Perkup was waiting in the room. Mr. Huttall kept taking off his crown and handing it to me, and calling me President. He appeared to take no notice of Mr. Perk-up, and I kept asking Mr. Huttall to give the crown to my worthy master. Mr. Huttall kept saying, no, this is the White House of Washington, and you must keep your crown, Mr. President. We all laughed long and very loudly, till I got parched and then I woke up. I fell asleep, only to dream the same thing over again.

End of chapter. The Diary of a Nobody by George and Weeden Grosssmith, read for librivox.org by Martin Clifton. Chapter The Last, one of the happiest days of my life. July the 10th, the excitement and anxiety through which I have gone the last few days have been almost enough to turn my hair grey. It is all but settled. Tomorrow the dye will be cast. I have written a long letter to Lupin, feeling it my duty to do so,

regarding his attention to Mrs. Posh, for they drove up to our house again last night. July the 11th, I find my eyes filling with tears as I pen the note of my interview this morning with Mr. Pirkup. Addressing me, he said, my faithful servant, I will not dwell on the important service you have done our firm.

You can never be sufficiently thanked. Let us change the subject. Do you like your house and are you happy where you are? I replied, yes, sir, I love my house and I love the neighbourhood, and could not bear to leave it. Mr. Perkup, to my surprise, said, Mr. Puter, I will purchase the freehold of that house and present it to the most honest and most worthy man it has ever been my lot to meet. He shook my hand and said he hoped my wife and I would be spared many years to enjoy it. My heart was too full to thank him, and, seeing my embarrassment, the good fellow said,

You need say nothing, Mr. Puta, and left the office. I sent telegrams to carry, gowing and cummings, a thing I've never done before, and asked the two latter to come round to supper on arriving home i found carrie crying with joy and i sent sarah round to the grocer's to get two bottles of jackson frere my two dear friends came in the evening and the last post brought a letter from lupin in reply to mine i read it aloud to them all it ran my dear old gov keep your hair on you're on the wrong track again i am engaged to be married to lily girl I did not mention it last Thursday, as it was not definitely settled. We shall be married in August, and amongst our guests we hope to see your old friends gowing and comings, with much love to all from the same old Lupin. The end.