Classic Audiobook Collection - The Serious Family by Morris Barnett ~ Full Audiobook [comedy]

Episode Date: February 20, 2025

The Serious Family by Morris Barnett audiobook. Genre: comedy Set in the drawing rooms of Victorian society, The Serious Family is a sharp comedy of manners that punctures the respectable facade of the Torrens household. Mr. Charles Torrens prides himself on order, propriety, and the image of unimpeachable domestic virtue, but the atmosphere in his home is already brittle, crowded with watchful relatives, eager advisers, and a steady hum of judgment from the outside world. Into this carefully managed scene strides Captain Murphy Maguire, a charmingly reckless visitor whose presence threatens to turn polite conversation into open scandal. As the family scrambles to control what is said, seen, and suspected, the house becomes a stage for hurried cover stories, shifting alliances, and moral posturing that says more about social ambition than genuine principle. With a lively cast that includes the smooth-talking Mr. Amindab Sleek, the observant Emma Torrens, and the formidable Mrs. Ormsby Delmaine, Barnett builds a fast-moving tangle of misunderstandings and pressures, asking what respectability is worth when it is mainly a performance. The result is a spirited satire of hypocrisy, reputation, and the absurd lengths people will go to in order to appear serious. For ad-free listening try our premium subscription Chapters (Approximate) (00:00:00) Chapter 1 (00:39:45) Chapter 2 (01:07:39) Chapter 3 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Act 1 of the serious family, but Morris Barnett. The serious family, act 1. Scene, a drawing room, soberly but substantially furnished. At the rising of the curtain are discovered, seated at the table right, covered with papers, Lady Creamley, Mr. Aminada but sleek, and Mrs. Charles Torrance. Torrance, at table left, a secretary with pen in hand. and dosing. All are dressed in the most formal manner. Sleak, reading in a puritanical tone.

We appeal to the disciples of true benevolence and the doers of good deeds, without distinction of politics or party, we call on all to come forward in the great work of enlarged and universal civilization. Hmm What think you of that, my lady? These words give comfort to every fainting and world-worn spirit, good Mr. Aminadab sleek. To Charles. Write them down, my son.

I protest he's asleep. The spirit is willing, but... But it's sleep-eff. Mrs. Torrance crosses to Charles. Charles, what a shame to fall asleep. so sublime a passage. Oh dear. Where was I? Reading.

Like a lion it roareth for its prey. Benevolence and charity. I have it. Forgive me, Lady Creamley, and pious Mr. Aminadab sleek. The fact is, between labour and watching, I lose a little of my rest. And nature will have her revenge. That will do for today, I hope. All rise and come forward.

are all then decided on making this appeal we will establish a deputation in every parish the petitions are in the course of preparation and i trust i may be permitted to accompany your ladyship and my philanthropic young friend in their charitable round too happy mr aminadab sleek to be guided by your voice and encouraged by your your presence, but we hope that another and a tenderer tie will soon bring our families more closely together. Your nephew, that pattern of special grace, that paragon of model propriety, will, before long, obtain the hand, sleek aside. And the fortune? And the worldly goods of our dear Emma, the sister of our son-in-law. And a happy girl Emma will be. What a gracious dispensation has been worked in her behalf. Had we never met Mr. Amanadap's league, we would still be on the brink of the precipice of vanity. But the great work will be now perfected by the union of his nephew and Emma.

Yes, beloved child, but let us not forget the important duty we have in hand. At twelve tomorrow morning we meet. Our son-in-law will read to our assembled friends his address on benevolence, and then... Charles aside. At twelve tomorrow morning, I had rather have had a day shooting. Enter Emma left door, fashionably dressed. Emma crosses to Mrs. Torrance. Oh dear, oh dear, such capital news.

He's come. He's come. Well, Miss Hoyden, how can you be so giddy, Emma? Don't you see Mr. Amenabad's sleek, the mirror of piety, the champion of... The champion of... Emma salutes profoundly, Mr. Sleek and Lady Krimly, who regard her disdainfully. Charles aside. Very pleasant all this, but I'll have a day shooting in spite of them. Oh, Charles, he's come.

Your old friend, the friend of all the family. I caught a glimpse as he gave his card to Danvers, and I ran to tell you. Enter servant, he presents Carr to Charles. Mrs. Torrance takes it and hands it to Lady Creamley, who passes it to Sleek, who reads aloud. Captain Murphy McGuire. McGuire, my old friend Murphy, the best fellow in the world, show him in Danvers. A little moderation, son-in-law. Shall we, Mr. Sleek?

shall we my child? A captain and an Irishman. Hmm. A libertine. Charles, aside. A fellow after my own heart. Allowed. He might have been so formally,

but he is now changed. He belongs to a serious regiment. Oh! Lady Cremley, Mr. Sleag and Mrs. Torrance bow gravely to each other. Admit him. How happy I am. I was a child when he saw me last, and I am now?

Still a child. You will please retire to your chamber. No remonstrance. Go, child. Exit Emma left door impatiently. Receive your visitor, Mr. Charles Torrance. Charles comes forward. The others retire to tables and appear much occupied with the various papers.

Enter Captain Maguire Center. My dear Charles. Charles in his natural manner. What? Maguire, my old friend. Cheeks his hand violently. The party at the back look on with contemptuous astonishment. Why, it's an age since I've seen you. Yes, my dear boy, in absence of four years, Calcutta, West Indies, Capital Station,

glorious cigars and whiskey-toddy. A little tan, eh? The steam of the gold has spoiled the natural brilliancy of my complexion. Still the same. The same gay, rollicking, sound-hearted old fellow. Not married? What? Me bound in the rosy bones of that young robber, Paddy Cupid.

Now, thank heaven. Growning. Oh! Charles, aside to him. Softly, softly, old fellow. Resumed his stark manner. Permit me, Captain Murphy Maguire, to present you to Mrs. Charles Torrens,

the partner of my present joys and future hopes. Eve, my dearest, allow me to present you to my oldest and best friend, Captain Murphy Maguire. Mrs. Torrance bow coldly, but graciously. I am delighted to make your acquaintance. Crosses to her. Charlie and I are old friends. I rejoice it as good fortune. Charlie, you're a wife's a first-rate angel. You'll excuse my freedom, madam, but what I think I say. Mrs. Torrance smiles and appears pleased. Sleek and Lady Crimley exchange doleful glances. Lady Crimely, aside to Mrs. Torrance.

Don't answer him. Sleak, aside. A profligate. You're a lucky villain, Charlie. What eyes, like a general illumination. What a shape. She's a model for a Venus. Groaning.

Oh! Oh! Charles pulling him by the coat What the devil are you about? Captain Mawyer looking with astonishment at him And the formal faces at the table What's the damage? And what have I done and what have I said? Your wife is a beauty

And what I think I say Why, you're not jealous, Charlie But where is Emma? My little Emma The little rosebutt Lady Creamley rising and bowing stiffly Miss Torren, sir, is with her governess in the library. Upon my honour, I meant no offence. I should have said Miss Torrens,

but Charrows and I are such old friends and have seen such roaring times together and... Charles, interrupting. My mother-in-law, Captain Murphy Maguire, Lady Sowerby, Creamley. Captain Mawyer bows very low. Oh, I have the honour. Crosses to her.

Very proud, I assure you. Charlie's friends are mine. Lady Cremley with cold disdain. You overwhelm me with the weight of the honour. Takes a book and reads. Captain Mawyer aside to Charles. The old dromedary in the pepper and salt is the father-in-law, I suppose. A trifle the worst for wear, but the heart is in the right place, I hope.

Charles aside. Pull up, old fellow. That's Mr. Aminadab's sleek, perpetual member of the borough of a solemn coli, and a great gun at Exeter Hall. Aloud. Captain Maguire, this is my excellent and most worthy ally, Mr. Aminadab Sleek, the especial friend of this family, the friend of the poor, the friend of all the world. Aside.

Who gives good dinners and have rich daughters to marry. Crosses to left. Sleek bows slowly. Maguire runs up and shakes him hardly. by the hand. Delighted to make her acquaintance, sir. Oh, we should be the best friends in the world. Only wait till I get you snugly seated before a steaming jug of whiskey punch

and behind a full-flavored Havana and I'll be bound to take the wrinkles out of you. Groaning. Oh! Well, Charlie, here I am and here I mean to stay. Seats left off table. I have a week's leave of absence, and so I thought I'd run up and see my old friends. I see old fellow you are well-tiled in. I suppose you have a room where we can sling a hammock

With your leave, ladies, what I think I say. Sir! All rise and come forward. Certainly. Charles, embarrassed. Oh, certainly. Well, I couldn't think for a moment, Charlie, of stopping at an hotel while you have a house in town. We have so much to say, to talk over old times, you sinner.

Oh, don't be alarmed, ladies. A reform to rake always makes a good husband. And Charlie, certainly. It was the devil's own boy. My husband a rake? Impossible. Why, I have brought you, Charlie, a case of regalia That will make the Queen of Spain's mouth water.

I know you of old, your robber. A dozen a day. Be quiet, will you? Pulling him by the coat. What's the matter? Lady Creamley, Mrs. Torrance, and sleek exchange looks. One can have a bit of a luncheon, I suppose. A sandwich or the wing of a cold fowl.

They are of the September morning. It may be as hungry as an ostrich. Certainly. Eve, my dear, luncheon for Captain Maguire. Have you any of the old Madeira left? Hey, Charlie Boy, if you remember the time I used to punish that same Madeira, but we're all changed. I'm getting old and you are married.

The Madeira is older too, and that's a compensation. Lady Creamley crosses to right centre. Captain Murphy Maguire, I am loath to interfere, but my son-in-law neither smokes nor drinks Madeira. A cigar is his own. aversion, and he has taken the pledge. So what? Yes, he has taken the pledge and got a medal.

Charles, aside. I have the deuce take it, but I'll have my revenge. A day shooting, a first-rate regalia, and a bottle of the old sort. Allowed. Yes, Captain Maguire, you will find me a changed man. I learned from Mr. Sleek that all. pleasure is vanity, and all drinking, vexation of spirit, and from Lady Creamly, that, with sorrow and sighs, the world passes pleasantly enough. More gaily and crosses to centre.

Still, we must get our luncheon. Let me go. Let me remind you, Mr. Torrens, that ten copies more of the circular must be written out, and that you have promised to assist Mr. Aminadab's To Captain. I will take care, sir, that you are comfortably served. To Mrs. Torrance. Come, my child. Really, I give you too much trouble. I am quite in despair.

Lady Crimely salutes him most deeply. He vows. Charles groans, and Mrs. Torrance smiles for an instant, and then assumes her formal manner. Come, my child. Exit Lady Crimley with Mrs. Torrance Center. Forgding that sleek remains. They're off, and now for it.

Captain Mawyer left. Charlie, your wife is elegant. She's a darling creature. But I don't know how it is. Are you happy in your home? There seems every now and again a sort of a dingy cloud coming over with the natural sunshine of your nature. Your wife's charming?

Ah, now I recollect. Sir Charles Creamley was your guardian. You married his daughter and thus settled his accounts. The truth is, I'm married because my guardian so arranged it. I lead a life. But never mind. I am in for it. The fact is, my wife is a little too grave.

She belongs to what is styled, a serious family. A fellow like you marrying into a serious family. That's beautiful. Sleak groans. Oh, mother, what have I said? Charles changing his tone. Yes, Captain Maguire. we are all serious here.

But you may be too serious. A charming creature like Mrs. Torrance should be seen driving up bony jays in the parks or dispensing the rays of her beauty from the opera box. And at your time of life, Charlie, this gravity is infernal folly. Get out of it. Cast it from you. Would you grow old before your time?

Bad look to your sober sighted, muddy-minded people. I hate your cantwills. Am I not right, Mr. Slee? Crosses and slabs sleek on the back. Charles aside. His lines have fallen in pleasant places. Cantwell, indeed. He mustn't lock up his wife.

The young creature will mope herself to death. You are of my opinion, aren't you, sir? Sleak down centre. Hmm. They say that bachelor's wives and maiden's children are always well managed. Pray, are you ensuing? into the moral estate of wedlock, Captain? No.

Changing his manner, as do annoyed by an unpleasant reminiscence. Nor engaged? No. I've been infernally jilted by the greatest rascal of a kiket that ever was sent into the world to plague the heart out of a man. A woman I loved better a thousand times than my own life. Hmm. You have been jilted? You're right there, Mr. Slake.

But as I couldn't call her out, I took my revenge and went to sea. Hmm. And the sea has cooled your passion? To have a sharrad, it's like. And now I hate her more intolerably than ever I loved her. Hmm? No danger of a relapse. Not a bit of it, sleek.

But to say myself from this one, I make love to twenty. Though I've come to London to take a round of dissipation. And for that reason, I stay with my old friend. for he knows every spot on the cards. Hey, Charlie, my boy. We'll have a roaring time of it. Enter servant, centre. Luncheon, sir.

That's your sort. If I'm as hungry as a hunter. Come, Charlie. He's leaving the room, followed by Charles. But the later is stopped by Lady Cremley and Mrs. Torrance, who enter at the same time. One moment, Mr. Torrance. Captain follows the servant. You will take these letters to the directors.

and return in half an hour as we want to arrange a visiting for this evening. Certainly, Lady Creamley. Aside. I'll have a day shooting. Exit centre. Sleak crosses to centre. At last, we have a moment to ourselves, dear ladies. Unpleasant consequences will arise from this unexpected visit.

What an acquaintance from my son-in-law. A perfect, Absalom. Well-looking and gentleman-like, but evidently too much attached to the wicked world. A libertine! That's not all, dear ladies. Let him be profligate as he pleases, and we shall strive for his conversion. But he is in love with a coquette, by whom he has been deceived.

Poor young man. and obliged to visit the metropolis, he is determined to console himself for an unfortunate passion by going through an extended circle of dissipation. In short, he is about to visit his old haunts of vice and sorrow, and for this he seeks in this virtuous mansion, he says, the former companion, of his sinful pleasures. It suffices to turn my blood to Vairjuce. The wretched person. And my Charles, the former companion of his pleasures,

a lamb, an angel of goodness. A man who never leaves his own home, except for a day's shooting, then certainly he is not to be controlled. Once the covees are out, my husband will not stay at home. He always is. after the coves.

But what is to be done? Lady Creamley to Mrs. Torrance. Child, all this is your fault. Yes, your fault. Your want of firmness and decision. Not to sleek. Yes, certainly, honoured, madam. It is all your fault.

When the abominable man said that he was come to take up his quarters here, you should have recollected that there was not one room unoccupied. What, a friend of my husbands? A gentleman that Charles is always speaking of and whom he so well received? No matter. The presence of a libertine will compromise all our reputations. Your rooms should have been all occupied. But dear Mama, the truth. Cross us to centre. Ah, my dear, the truth. When it is useful,

to be told. My honored friend is right. All depends on circumstances. We make a great distinction between saying what is not and not saying what is, according to the object and intentions. This is high morality. And in this case, our object is to rescue my son-in-law from the society of a person whose example and perfidious councils would open an abyss before him. Oh, Lady Creamley! Bad example is dangerous. And the human heart so weak, my honoured friend. You hear that it is the intention of this person again to seek the acquaintance of those

friends, from whose pernicious example you have won. withdrawn, the husband of your bosom. He is so weak, he would again be led astray, and... And then! My poor Charles, but I certainly shall not permit a stranger, a person entirely unknown, to come and lead him away from his good habits. But what is to be done? What plan can be devised? Aid me with your counsels. It is almost too late. The only plan I can suggest is to request this person politely to go, politely, about his business. Politely. I understand you, but how is that to be done? I could not dare attempt it.

If you, my dear Mama, would take it upon yourself. Impossible, my child. It would look like dictating to you in your own house. That is very true. Well, then, Mr. Sleek, you will do it. It will add to the obligations we already owe you. Excuse me. These Hibernians are of such explosive natures that it is quite possible he might forget my size and the respect due to it.

Mr. Torrens himself would be the proper person. No, that cannot be. They must not meet, and to make the matter more sure, we will send Charles for a few days in the country. He goes too often already, Mama. That is the wisest plan. And in the meantime, we will adopt a coolness of manner towards this intruder, which will make him more circumspect, and give him no inclination to remain in a house where the principles of those in it are so different from his own. Captain Maguire speaks without. Hmm, here he comes, the sinful man of sanguinary war.

Enter Captain Maguire centre down right. Upon my faith, your substantial hospitality lays me under infinite obligation. Better port, I never taste it. Lady Cremley crosses to Maguire, austerly. Captain Murphy Maguire, I have important orders to give and am on the point of... Exit bowing very stiffly, centre. Captain Maguire looks astonished, but bows profoundly in return.

He then turns to Mrs. Torrance. Then to you, my dear madam, the wife of my old friend... Mrs. Torrance, following Lady Crimbley and bowing in the most precise manner. You must also excuse me, Captain Maguire, I shall be too late for the meeting. Exit. Captain Maguire looks more amazed, but bowing... bows to the ground, then turning to Sleek, goes up to him and offers his hand in a cordial style. Well, Mr. Sleek, the ladies appear to the monstrous they engaged.

The pleasure of entertaining me is reserved for you. Sleek, right, taking out his watch. Excuse me, sir, I have not an instant to lose. The meeting cannot commence without me. Looks angrily at Maguire and exits. What the devil does all this mean? Oh, if that's the case, there's not a word to be said. Does it mean the cold shoulder?

Is it to cut me, they mean? But I'll not believe it. It's impossible, and what's impossible is not in nature. Oh, Charles Thorne's wife and family wouldn't be capable of behaving so shabbly to his old friend. Wait a while, Captain Murphy Maguire, and sylladise a bit. This is a serious family. There's the old lady as stiff as a ramrod and as grey as an overall, Mr. Sleak, a shuffling, canting old rubber, and the pretty Mrs. Torrance with her sweet face, charming air and saint-like look, and then Charlie himself,

instead of the free-hearted devil-may-care fellow I knew him at college, has become as solemn and demure as a volume of the pilgrim's progress. There is a mystery in all this which must be unraveled. Emma peeps in. He is quite alone. Rants in Ah, dear Captain McGuire Captain Maguire

Not recognizing her Oh, in my faith I am greatly flattered By your recollection, but really What, you don't know your old playmate Emma? Is this possible? You, the darling little Emmy That I left a child And who now I must say

Is a very charming young lady Emma pouting No, I am not a charming young lady I'm a very disagreeable Unhappy creature I'm sure I'm very ugly Oh miss, don't be profane. They say crying makes one

ugly, and I weep all day long. Come, dear Emmy, you must confide all your little sorrows to your old friend. Yes, but if they heard me, if Lady Creamley knew I was here? Look up, and you'll never be cast down. Don't tremble. Am I not at your side,

your old friend? And besides, there's your brother Charles. Come now, tell me what's the matter and what is going on in this house. They sit. There is nothing going on, and that makes it so miserable. day follows day and are all the same. No pleasure, no balls, no orocultural effects, no opera,

always sermons and scoldings. I am moped to death. Oh, I understand. Lady Creamley is a strict disciplinarian. Oh, horribly severe. But Mrs. Torrance, your sister-in-law, who is young and appears mighty amiable. Oh, I am sure I do not say she would not be so if my brother Charles were to act differently.

But all he thinks of is to accompany Lady Creaming on her serious visits. or to read some charitable circular to his wife. Oh, oh, I see where the wind blows. Charles was never famous for strength of mind or firmness of purpose, and it gives way rather than domestic dissensions. But the best of it is, whenever he is what they call backsliding, they send him out of town and he seems delighted. And then I am left all alone.

Now that won't last long. You are sure to marry. No, that is the worst of it. They won't let me marry, that is to say, the man of my choice. Your old acquaintance, Frank Vincent, but they want to trump up a marriage with a nephew of Mr. Aminadab's sleek. What? A nephew of Mr. Aminadab sleek? They rise, whom I detest from the bottom of my heart.

Sure, your brother will never suffer that. Oh, my brother counts for nothing in this house. The fact is, they have forbidden Frank to come here, and I'm sure he is dying, if not dead. Sobing. Nonsense, darling, you are both of you too young for dying. Cheer up and let us see if we cannot restore your brother to common sense. I'd have you married of Frank Vincent in spite of Lady Creamley and that old pepper and salt dromedary sleek.

Enter Charles Gaily down centre. Thank the fate it's over. I have been bored to death with their hypocrisy and cant. And now, old fellow, what's to be done? And where are we to begin? Before we commence our campaigning frolic, I have something serious to say to you. old young friend Emma has been letting a little daylight into the family secrets. I find that you are not actually the master of your own house, that you are peaceably led by the nose by your mother-in-law and that strenadary old sleek, without a snort or a kick.

It's all very well talking. Anything for a quiet life. I did make a determined stand at first, but they attacked me in front and on both flanks, and I was glad ultimately to yield at discretion. The only consolation I have is that I can get away every now and then and have a day shooting. That's all very well as far as yourself is concerned. But what becomes of our sweet friend Emmy here, whom you allow to be sacrificed to the canting son of a thief of that greedy old rhinoceros,

Amidab's sleek, because you haven't the decent courage to say no. Sacrificed? Why, it's an excellent match. And this is the first time I have heard that Emma dissoned. likes him. I hate and abominate him, and nothing but force shall ever make me consent to the match. That's right, my little Caesar. Stick your colours like a little hero as you are. To Charles. And over and above, there is a large lump of an attachment to another, and that other is none other than Frank Vincent. Ah, now don't blush, Emma. And a smart boy is that same Frank Vincent. Come, Charlie, you must be a man in stand-up for your sister's rights. I have no objection. I am Emma's guardian, and if she says no,

Her inclination shall not be constrained. But I have had a hard card to play. And if you knew what an obdurate person, Lady Creamley, is, and what influence she has on my wife, why, the very sound of her voice frightens me. A voice is heard without. Damn it, here she is. Stick by me, old fellow.

Oh dear, I must not be caught here. I leave my cause in your hands. runs off left, the voice of Mrs. Torrance heard without. No, heaven be praised, it's my wife. And now, Maguire, I'm a man again. Leave me with Eve, and I'll speak to her more roundly than I have ever done. She has an excellent heart and is attached to me as well as to Emma. Stick to that, Charlie Boy.

A man should be master of his own house and a good wife have no other wish than his. Don't spare powder in the victory's your own. Yes, that's very true, but if my mother-in-law... Don't be chicken-hearted. And in order to leave you a fair field, I'll retreat. Enter Mrs. Torrance down right centre to her. At your feet, madam. Bows and exits centre. Charles aside.

He's right, very right. Why should I be afraid? After all, tis but a woman. And that woman, my wife. and if it be true that Emma detests old sleek's nephew, why should she be forced to marry him? Mrs. Torrance, aside. Since my mother assures me that the presence of Captain Maguire is dangerous to my husband, he certainly shall leave.

My dear Eve. My dear Charles. I am overjoyed to see you, for I wish to speak to you on a very important affair. That's just what I have to do with you, and I fear what I have to say will annoy you a little. That's just the case with which I have to say, but when it concerns the happiness of... You are perfectly right.

And then we understand each other so well. Mrs. Torrance aside, I think I may safely speak. Places tears. Charles preparing to speak. Eve, dear... My dear Charles, you know how necessary it is in married life for people to... understand each other. Certainly. And many things that appear strange at first are perfectly clear when you come to explain them.

Just what I was but now remarking to Captain Maguire. Maguire, my love, why he can have no idea. Indeed, he has, and it was even he who suggested me to speak to you. That is very strange, for really we were at a loss how to break the subject to him. Oh, as to that, he is perfectly well informed, and I really do not think, after what has passed, that we can give Emma to Mr. Sleek's nephew, do you, my love? That's not our affair, Charles. Mama will arrange all that with Mr. Sleek, but I do hope that you will make Captain McGuire understand that— Oh, as to Maguire, he's the best fellow in the world. He will refuse me nothing. In that case our difficulties are all over.

You have merely to tell him that instead of taking up his quarters here, he will go to Longs, where I have no doubt he will be quite at his ease. What? Turn McGuire out of doors? An old friend? Rises. A liberty. A capital fellow. But my reputation, Mr. Torrance. Is it fit that a character like Captain Aguier should live under the same roof with your wife? Oh, Lord, oh Lord!

Put stairs back. Fye, Charles! And besides, the thing is impossible. You are going out of town. It is settled you are to have several days shooting. Charles eagerly. Am I going out of town? And when has this been settled, my dear?

Why, my mother and Mr. Sleek have talked the thing over, and they find that the easiest way of arranging the matter. Oh, that's quite a different affair. fair. Now I begin to understand you. If I'm to go into the country... Why, you seem quite excited. One would almost say you were glad to leave us. Oh, no, my love. I'm only thinking how admirably my absence will get you out of this dilemma. Then you will go today? Today. Aside. Capital. Yes. Let it be today.

The sooner, the better. The better. Why? Yes. Dear, yes, Mama can say to Maguire what I could not, and my absence would be an excuse for everything. Enter Lady Creamley and sleek centre. I am glad you are come, dear, Mama. You have no idea how reasonable Charles is. Sleak, aside. Reasonable with a tea. It is better late than never, and I cannot understand why Mr. Torrance would ever hesitate even for a moment to follow the counsel and advice of those who have only in view his advancement.

In moral philosophy and unitarianism. Charles, aside. Another lecture. Allowed. Why, Lady Creamley, as you say, you and Eve mean nothing but my good. And though it is a little hard that I should be separated from an old friend, still, as you and utility desire it, I consent. are wise in this instance, for it is evident that a young man without the principles of utilitarianism,

without morality, addicted to the gilded and evanescent follies of modern go-aheadism. Could not remain under our roof without giving public scandal. Public scandal. Oh, Mama, Charles feels all that now sensibly. But how can I send him away? I I can never summon up nerve to do so. That shall be my pleasing duty. Captain is heard giving orders. Here the champagne anti-pieceman comes. Aside.

I know the effervescing qualities. Captain Maguire without. That will do, Danvers. Take care of my luggage. Enter Captain Maguire. Here I am ladies. I never travel with much loage. One article is enough for me. More than one is inconvenient and weighs heavily upon the mind. They all bow very gravely, and Charles speaks aside to him.

Don't be offended, old fellow, at whatever occurs. You shall have a note in half an hour at longs. To ladies. I fly to obey your orders, poor Maguire. Aside. Vive la liberty and a good day shooting. Exit centre. Lady grimly, stiffly.

Captain Murphy Maguire, Mr. and Mrs. Charles Torrance and I are very much annoyed that a little difficulty has occurred which will prevent us the pleasure of receiving you here. We are most reluctantly obliged to say. Yes, we are most reluctantly obliged to say... That there is not a single room disengaged. The only spare one was yesterday promised to a friend of Mr. Aminidad. sleek. Mr. Tarquinius Jumbo, a serious coloured gentleman from the interior of Africa. In that case, then, my dear lady, there is no room. Why, really?

I presume you don't want my company, and as I cannot but believe that black isn't white. The only plan left, ladies, under the existing circumstances of the case, is to make a retrograde march back with my luggage, De Lung's Hotel. We are quite in despair In despair At our seeming want of hospitality Don't breathe it ladies Nor ground it My little patron of Tarquinius Jumbo

Among friends Such trifling accidents must be taken in good part For the present I have the pleasure To wish you good day But I'll call often And remain a long while Good day Poor Charlie

Exit Thank heaven It's all all over. Sinks into a seat using smelling bottle and finning herself with handkerchief. End of Act 1. Act 2 of The Serious Family by Morris Barnett. This is a Libri Box recording. All Libri Box recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Libribox.org. Act 2

Scene, a drawing room, splendidly furnished, doors right and left. Enter Mrs. Ormsby, Del Main, and Graham left door. Has any reply been sent from Mivalds, Graham? No, ma'am. Jones has just returned, and says that Mr. Fitzfowley has not been at Mavards the last fortnight. How very odd! That creature is never to be found when he is wanted. Don't be uneasy, ma'am.

It's true he's never to be found at his hotel. But then, at seven, he never fails to show his handsome face when invited. Yes, Graham, he is very handsome, and exceedingly amiable, though at moments his wild merriment runs away with his discretion. I have often thought, since that abominable captain, so ungolently struck his colours, that Mr. Fitzfowley might very well take his place in my affections. Indeed, and why not, ma'am? A lady of your charming disposition and large wealth has a right to choose. And who better could you choose than the young, handsome, well-dressed, white-gloved, polished-booted Mr. Fitzfolley?

law, ma'am. As she speaks, voices are heard, that of Charles Torrance predominating. Charles, outside. Nonsense, that will never do. That will never do. Servant outside. But, sir, we are only ten at table.

Charles, outside. Twelve, I say. Old Wilson, two dozen of Claret, one of Hock, and Moe's champagne at discretion. There he is, ma'am. There's his pianoforte voice ordering, as usual, the best in the cellar. The monster, he has never once asked for me. Enter Charles Torrance, right, dressed in the highest fashion. That Wilson is positively a goth of the premier force. My dear Mrs. Ormsby Delmaine, only imagine he wants to ice the champagne before drawing the corks.

The heathen. Well, dearest widow, you look radiant. If I were a woman, I would poison you. Mrs. Delmaine, laughing. Ever the same superabundant gaiety. I protest if you do not get steady, I shall be obliged to close my doors. My dear Mrs. Delmaine, not a word, or you will drive me to prussic acid. Hair triggers or Waterloo Bridge. Why, if the champagne were not properly iced, your character would be damaged forever. And moreover, my reputation is at stake today, for I have taken the liberty to invite a friend,

knowing that any friend of mine will be well received by you. Is he young, handsome, and clever? All three. Then he must be a very dangerous young young. man to introduce. Never mind one rival more. If I die, let me die of a surfeit. Where have you been concealed all this time?

In Belgium, in France, Vienna, Commone, Moscow and Egypt. I have sent 20 times to Mivalz, and you were never to be found. No wonder. I was at Constantinople. No. No such things. you were neither in Belgium, France, Vienna, Comune, Moscow, Egypt or Constantinople. You were nearer to home than that. For only a few days since, to please some country friends,

I went to hear the new lecturer in the city on the subject of universal charity, practically considered. When who should I see? But the gay, fashionable, and all accomplice, fitz-foley, listening as demurely as some old bare bones, and at the end of the lecture, giving his arm with the greatest propriety to an ancient dowager who looked as if the charitable arguments that had entered her ears would find some difficulty in reaching either her heart or her pocket. Impossible. An optical delusion. It was a fact. No optical delusion or illusion.

Ah, now, by the by, I do recollect. I had just left my bankers. And curiously enough, passing by the place, an old lady fainted, when I chivalrously offered my arm and... Pray, don't attempt to excuse yourself. indeed I like you all the better for the wish to be instructed in any act of true benevolence, and for my own part, thoughtless and volatile, as you may think me, it is ever with a feeling of real pleasure that I contribute what I can afford

to any deserving purpose or object of charity. And to prove it, I am now considering in what way I can best, assist the views of some estimable persons who have today favoured me with this circular. Hansheim one of his circulars. Charles, aside. Hugh, one of my own circulars, extremes meet. To her. But, dear Mrs. Dalmain, at what time is dinner ordered?

Enter Graham abruptly. Ma'am, Lady Pompus, Mrs. Colvern Grampus, and Admiral Bout. Bray, I were in the drawing room. Pray, excuse me for a few minutes. I am sorry to run away from our agreeable tete-a-tete, but I must go and be amiable to our visitors as they expected of me. Oh, what victims we are,

how the real comforts of the heart are obliged to be sacrificed to the exeges of the world. I shall expect you to join us without delay. Exit Mrs. Delmein. Graham, I wonder your lady is not. not ashamed to have so handsome a maid. Lord, sir, how you do talk. He puts his arm round her waist. Oh, sir, how you are pressing me.

You always just remember that madam is my mistress. He kisses her. That's for your mistress. That's for you. Vive la joie. Kiss me again, you Venus in a striped muslin. At this moment, Captain Maguire enters. Graham runs out.

Haves, Charlie, am I awake? Why, what a change has taken place. On my words, you're dressed within an inch of your life. Not a word, my dear fellow. This is my shooting dress. Not bad, is it, Maguire? Curling irons and cold cream, stultz and style versus sermons and soda water, long faces and short glasses.

But where am I? I received your note. With whom am I to dine? With an angel, with the dearest, prettiest, most fascinating widow in the world, a friend of mine and of all pleasant dashing fellows like me. The fact is, my dear boy, here I am at home. This is my preserve where I take my day's shooting. And your wife and your mother-in-law, that paragon of perfection? Hush, shut, sesame, not a word.

In this house, I am a bachelor. I leave my wife and all my sorrows in Harley Street. The truth is, Maguire, since I'm married, I have been a miserable man. That is to say, when I am at home, I have no will of my own. The house is governed by that infernal Aminadab sleek, and that Tigris Lady Creamley. I behaved like an angel the first year, sighed. and groaned early and late, escorted my mother-in-law regularly to Exeter Hall. But every concession made her more arrogant and more exacting.

It was all in vain, so I determined to be happy in my own way. I take an occasional week's absence, under pretence of visiting our estates in Leicestershire, and when the shooting begins, I am seldom to be found at home. perfectly understand you. Then, Maguire, you know my mother-in-law and my wife have given up the world. The parks, the opera, and every place a fashionable resort is deemed by them as abominations. I keep on my rooms at Mivarts. I indulge in the society of a few valued friends, such as my charming widow,

and hitherto I have escaped suspicion or detection. But this charming widow. You are sure to fall in love, old fellow. I have secured you a place by her side at dinner. And when the champagne works, I defy you to resist her fascinations. Charles, you are an audacious and extraordinary fellow. Fortune favour is the bold. But have a care.

You are playing a dangerous game for your own peace of mind. Enter Mrs. Delmein, not aware of the presence of the captain. Dear Fitz Fowley, what can keep you here? Wilson cannot get on without you. I fly at your commands, but first let me present you one of my dearest friends. Pointing to the captain whose face is averted. An unfortunate devil who, between you and me, is suffering from a violent attack of heart sickness and who has come up to London to go through a course of pleasure, which the faculty have prescribed as a positive panacea for his peculiar disease.

Captain Murphy Maguire. Mrs. Delmaine starts. Mrs. Ormsby Delmaine. The captain turns, recognises her, appears annoyed, but preserves his composure. Charles, not perceiving their embarrassment, continues. There, good people, in this house there is no ceremony. As for me, I fly to see. see that the champagne be well iced, and full justice done to Mrs. Delmaine's preparations.

Exit Charles. This is a mighty strange accident, madam, that has brought us again together. My friend is taking me quite by surprise. O I must own I was not entirely prepared for so one expected our encounter, with one by whom I have been so shamefully treated. No, Captain, twas I that was so shamefully treated. Treated. Then to you trait me,

than deference. Didn't you harass me with suspicions? Didn't you cause me to go to sea? Didn't you cause me to think of another? And haven't I been trying to do the same to twenty others? Oh, there, there. We parted with a quarrel, and we meet again in the same pleasant manner. I must say you're a discontent—I was going to make use of a hard word, but I won't. That's right. Triumph in your victory. Your levity. does not astonish me.

Ye are the same gay, thoughtless, cold-hearted woman of the world as ever. And you are the same warm-hearted, hard-headed, well-meaning, but wrong-thinking man of the world as ever. And now let me ask you, for I know not what right you have to complain. Ah, never mind the right when I have the reason. And for what reason have you the right to any special consideration from me? Well, you have put me down all the items. Faith, a rame of full-scap wouldn't contain them.

Mrs. Armsby don't mean you are an ungrateful woman. And, Captain Murphy McGuire, you are an ungrateful man. I confess that at one time I was silly enough to feel some esteem for the honesty of your character and the independence of your mind. But I soon discovered you to be jealous, and so exacting that I dream. ready to entrust my happiness to your hands her waist is taper none is completer like the tuneful nine or the lambs at play their two eyes shunning like rowling diamonds and her breath as sweet as the flowers of me but he was surly and all hurly burly when there was no occasion for such display the man to please me must never tease me but be kind and mild as a fine and pleasant morning in the month of May. No, sir, yours is not the disposition to suit mine.

Your friend, Mr. Fitzfoy, indeed. Well, I entirely agree with you that my friend, Mr. Fitzfolly, has a million good qualities. Indeed, I may say, first-class qualities, but you see Mother Nature has not cast us in the same elegant mode. Well, I'm glad to hear you acknowledge his good qualities, and your liberality is a credit to your taste in judgment, and I begin to think that we may, at last, agree in our opinions. And now, to admit you into my confidence, allow me to confess, if ever I should marry again, and, mind, I only say, if, I will say that Charles Fitz Folly, from what I have seen, of his temper, his manners, and his general character is just the husband that would suit me. Captain McGuire bursting into a laugh.

What? Charo's your husband. Upon my honour, that is something impossible. Beyond all possibility. Really, sir. I do not comprehend the cause of your pleasantry. Mr. Fitzfoy possesses all the qualities. Which, of course, I do not possess. I'll give you much joy of your choice. But the bells will not ring in a hurry for that, merit, I promise you.

Enter Graham. I beg pardon, ma'am. There are two ladies who insist on seeing you. They have not come to dinner, but say they have something very particular to say to you. Exit Graham. Then, madam, with your permission, we will resume this interest in discussion after dinner. It's folly. The female deceiver.

A day shitting. Exit Captain, Wright. Enter Lady Creamley and Mrs. Torrance left. I hope, madam, you will excuse this intrusion, but I believe you are prepared for it by our circular. Oh, certainly, madam, and I feel much flattered by the permission you have accorded to me to contribute to so excellent a work. Observes Mrs. Torrance. Surely I am not mistaken. Is it my dear school fellow, Eve Creamley? Is it my dear school fellow, Eve Creamley? Is it possible, my dear Harriet?

I heard you are married, but we live so much out of the world that I really did not know to whom. So, you, madam, and my daughter are old friends. In that case, I will take the liberty of leaving Eve with you for a few minutes, while I go to Lady Dismal in the square who has promised me a liberal subscription, which Mr. Sleek is in waiting to receive. Do, dear madam, I have a thousand things. to say to Eve. I shall return very shortly. Exit Lady Creamley. Well, dear Eve, I am delighted to see you. Tell me all about your dear self. Are you single or married, and if married, to whom?

Oh, yes, I am married, and to a most worthy and amiable creature, a little too fond of the world at first, but now he listens, thank heavens to reason. And you, my dear Harriet? I am a widow, child. I am a widow, That happy independent being, a widow. Oh, Harriet, you were always too fond of the world. And you, Eve, always too demure. I remember, when we were schoolgirls, how you used to sit and mope over some dreary book, while the rest of us were romping, laughing,

singing and enjoying existence, like happy mag caps as we were. Ah, I recollect. Sime. Don't look so so. Solem, dear, miserable people may groan in talk of this wicked world, but there are many warm and affectionate hearts in it for all that, and many things to love, and worth loving, too, and there are beauties of hill, dell, river, and mountain, to which it would be ungrateful to close our eyes.

If we have clouds, have we not sunshine? Then are we always to be solemn and glooming? No, my dear. There is more real value in kindness, cheerfulness, and goodness of heart than in all the cold and canting solemnity that was ever put on as a mask for selfishness. But to hear, dear Eve, that you are happy gives me unalloyed pleasure. Now, Harriet, tell me the truth, have you any idea of exchanging your life of boasted liberty for the more reasonable one of wife? Why, my dear? If I must be candid, I think my boasted liberty is in jeopardy, as I am, at this very moment, persecuted by two men, the one, a noble-minded creature full of heart and jealousy. The other, a gay, joyous rattling soul, sent into this world to torment and tease me. But one of them, I candidly confess. I intend to have.

Enter Captain Wright. Mrs. Delmaine, you are particularly wanted, and I apologize through the liberty of disturbing your date-a-date. Seize Mrs. Torrance. Oh, murder, Mrs. Torrance. Is it possible? Captain Murphy Maguire? Oh, good people. As I find you know each other,

I can have no difficulty in leaving you. Eve will do the honors for a few minutes, for me. Exit Mrs Delmaine. Captain Maguire aside. There'll be a conflagration. Pray, Mrs. Torrance, may I take the liberty to ask you if Mrs. Armstrongsby Delmaine knows your husband's name? I'm sure I don't know. I suppose so. And may I take the liberty of inquiring what brought you here? I came with Lady Creamley. And your husband? Oh, Mr. Torrance is in Leicestershire. He has gone down for a few days shooting. Captain Maguire aside.

Oh, damp powder and spring guns. Are you quite sure of that? Now, for a stroke of delicate diplomacy, to speak frankly with you, my dear Mrs. Torrance, what do you think it's possible that your husband has not gone down to Leicester for a few days shooting, but on the contrary, remains in town to get rid of the domestic tyranny of his mother-in-law, Lady Sirby-creamly?

Charles's not gone? Tyranny? That's the true word. And be sure, Mrs. Tom. Tom. All tyranny is a sane. It makes people either hypocrites or liars since upon my faith, sometimes both. Sir, I fulfil all my duties. Who doubts it, my dear lady?

Not I upon my faith. But there is something more than duty in this life. And a man's home must not be turned into a prison, nor every pleasantry but put down at a crime. Charles Chorrens, before his marriage, was a decent heart, a large-souled fellow, for taking handsomely of the pleasures of life, and never, I honestly believe, sullying his mind by its vulgar vices.

He was a true gentleman, and what has he become under serious treatment? Why, one half the month a hypocritical Puritan, and what he is the other half I leave you, Mrs. Tarrins, to find out. But I am not to blame. It is not my fault. Yes, my dear Mrs. Tardons, and it is very much your fault. Oh, I can easily understand it. It's as plain as the horse guards. You are an excellent wife, but a better daughter, and you sacrifice your husband to your mother.

I am speaking perhaps too freely, but what I think I say. But surely it must have struck you that Charles would seek from home, the pleasure he is denied at home. Oh, that's quite impossible. Mr. Torrance is incapable of wronging me in so base a manner. Torrance is heard singing gaily. Mrs. Torrance starts, and the captain turns out of her. aside to conceal his laughter. Charles, outside. The Coupe Doyle is superb.

Maguire, where are you? Running in. My angelic Mrs. Del Main. Come and see if the effect is not magnificent. Seeing Mrs. Torrance. My wife. Charles, in the name of common sense, what brings you here,

and dress, too, in this extraordinary manner? My dear, I was just going to ask what brings you here? Oh, Mrs. Torrance has come for an answer to the begging letter. I, beg part, I mean the charity circular. Charles, aside. A capital thought. Allowed. And so have I, my love. I have come for Mrs. Dalman's subscription. No, Charles. I am injured and deceived. Take me away. Greatly agitated. I stifle in this house. Crosses to write. Enter Mrs. Delmain. What? Going so soon, Mrs. Torrance? Mrs. Torrance pointing to her husband.

That wicked man? Wicked man? Why, that is one of the gentlemen I spoke of, and I rather think he is the favorite. My husband, your favorite. Your husband? Oh, oh! Shrieks, Captain McGuire, aside, laughing. Oh, it's beautiful.

Charles, aside. I am in for. for it. This is a nice day shooting. Enter Lady Creamley and sleek. Right. Come, Mrs. Torrance, we have many more calls to make. Cease Torrance. We shall be too late for the Timbuktu amelioration meeting. In the name of all that is wonderful, Mr. Torrance, my son-in-law, is it possible? Morally impossible. but ocularly a physical fact. Why, sir, we thought you were in Leicestershire.

Yes, Lady Creamley, but unexpected business brought me to town. Aside. Caught in the fact. Allowed. You perceive that, um, that, that... Mrs. Torrance coming to his aid. That Charles, seeing our carriage at the door, had a kindness to stop and offer you his arm.

Charles offers his arm. She'll do. She's an angel, or what's better, a true woman. She can tell a white one with the best of us. Lady Creamley crosses to right centre. All this must be explained, but for the present, I consent to be satisfied. Charles, aside. Here's an end to my sporting excursions. Then the birds he sent us from Lestershire.

here we're from a London poacher. They'll lie heavy on my conscience. Mrs. Delmain, aside. I want to know who is the dupe. I am determined to solve the riddle. Allowed. I thank you, ladies, for the honour you have conferred upon me, and I beg your acceptance of the widow's might.

Crosses to Lady Grimley, offering her subsubes. Many thanks, dear madam. Taking the money. Very many thanks. Come, my child, take your husband's arm. Perhaps good Mr. Sleak in return will cast his benevolent eyes over a little appeal that has been left here for my consideration.

Giving a paper to Lady Creamley, who hands it to Sleek. Sleak, taking the paper, looking at it. Oh, dear. What is it? Mr. Sleak. A petition from the parlour of a profane public house, in behalf of the widow of a labourer who lost his life last week by an accident that has left his widow and six children destitute.

Hmm. Looking at Lady Crimbley. I don't think we can. I am afraid not Believe me, my dear madam We deeply sympathise with the case But we are now making a collection For the benighted chalk tongs

Of Pasamaquoddy And haven't a farthing to spare Returns the paper Adieu, my friends Exit right Lady Creamley and sleep Torrance and Mrs. Torrance following.

Captain Maguire and Mrs. Delmaine laughing as the curtain falls. End of Act 2. Act 3 of The Serious Family by Morris Barnett. This is a Libri-Box recording. All Libri-Box recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer,

please visit LibriVox.org. Act 3. Scene Drawing room, folding doors centre, doors right and left. Enter Captain Maguire right. I've declared war, and here I am in the midst of the enemy's camp. Charlie must be saved. This is Torrance taught to know her own happiness.

My young friend Emma rescued from the clutches of the Minidab sleek, and Frank Vincent made one of the family. And here comes the darling little Emma. Enter Emma, left. Well, darling, what has happened in my... absence. Oh, Captain McGuire! The house is in a state of mutiny and disorder. Mr. Sleek and Lady Creamley are furious at my brother. Mrs. Torrens is sobbing like a child, and as for me, I am very unhappy indeed, for I do not know what it is all about, or what is to become of me.

Ah, you shall be well taken care of. I understand the Lady Creamley is determined to hurry on my match with that odious nephew of Mr. Sleek, and that we are all invited to dine today at his sisters to settle the preliminaries. Now stand at ease. Attention! I'm going to play a bold game, Emma. I want your assistance. But you must promise complete obedience.

Are we agreed? Oh, yes, Captain. I will do exactly what you tell me. Well, then. First and foremost, we are going to give a ball year tonight. A ball? Call it a dance, if you will. To some hundred or hundred and fifty particular acquaintances.

So go and look out your prettiest dress and make yourself as smart as possible, or probably you will have a partner to your own mind. Here comes a person I expect it. Enter Frank Vincent. Right. My dear Emma, how long it is since I have seen you. Hold to there. There's no time at present for tender protestations. Oh dear, I'm quite alarmed. If Lady Creamley should come. Who cares for Lady Creamley? I'm sure I don't.

For old Sleek. Who cares for Mr. Sleak? I'm sure I don't. Captain Maguire listening at the wing. Sure, we all don't. Hush! There they come, Mr. Slake and Lady Creamley. Emma screams and runs about the state. Frank appears confused. Sure, you are a pair of heroes. Come back here, little fluttering lovebird. Mr. Sleek and Lady Creamley are better engaged. Now, Frank, have you executed all my commissions? Punctually, Captain, the invitations have been all sent.

Gunter has provided a first-class feed, and Julian's band is. is engaged. In the course of an hour, everything will be ready. And the note to Mrs. Armsby, Delmaine? Here is her answer. I met Mr. Torrens in the square. He was furious that she was not at home. Gives note. Captain Maguire opening the note. The angelic widow is all right. She understands me. Now, Frank, see that everything is in readiness for ten o'clock precisely.

Exit, Frank. Right. And as to you, Emma. You had better see after your twilight as I see Mrs. Torrance coming, and I wish to have some serious convobulation with her. Exit Emma, left. Enter Mrs. Torrance, right. I have waited to have the pleasure of seeing you, my dear Mrs. Tarans. Excuse my abruptness, but we must have a ball ear tonight.

A ball? That's the second I was shot with the same ball. Impossible. Enter servant, and announces Mrs. Ormsby Del Main. And, apropos, she is the very first guest I've invited. Enter Mrs. Delmaine, write. Well, here I am, Captain Maguire, an unexpected and probably unwelcome visitor to Mrs. Charles Torrens. But when you tell me my present is required to render an important service to my dear friend and schoolfellow,

I cannot hesitate, even though I transgress a little the strict laws of etiquette. You are ever welcome to this house, madam, though I am bound to say that I cannot exactly understand in what way your services are required. Probably Captain Maguire, who undertakes the economy of my house, will be able to explain, or rather Mr. Charles Torrance, my husband, who, according to your own admission, is received as a claimant for your hand. My dear Eve, lay aside a moment your feelings as an offended woman and apparently injured wife. I am convinced that Mr. Torrens, though gay and thoughtless, loves you sincerely, and that you alone possess his heart. What you say is quite true, Mrs. Delmaine, and it is for the purpose of convincing Mrs. Torrance that it depends entirely on your own conduct to secure husband's love in society, that I have ventured to. to take the liberty I am now doing, and that I have summoned you to my aid. It would appear that I am to be placed on my trial.

Well, I submit with a good grace. So pray open the court and proceed to business. Then, Mrs. Torrance, I charge you with driving your husband from his natural home and forcing him to seek those pleasures abroad which every man of the world expects to meet in his own house. Are you not aware of the temptations to that your husband has been exposed? Do you not see that he was supposed? forced to play a false part in society,

and even to declare himself a bachelor for the purpose of scaring a good reception? Yes, the wretch was so intensely agreeable that even I, who am horribly difficult to please, had nearly fallen an unresisting victim, and, forgetting all the worth and honour that are combined in Captain McGuire's heart, offering her hand to the captain who kisses it.

I had almost played him false, and accepted your Mr. Fitzfowley as a lover. Now, Mrs. Harons, the only way you can secure your husband's return to his duty is by emancipating yourself and him from the dominion of Mr. Menadab-Sleek, and, if I may be permitted to say so, of Lady Creamley. It is quite impossible, Captain McGuire, that I can forget the obligations which duty to my mother imposes on me. Mrs. Delmaine crosses to Mrs. Torrance. In that case, my dear, you forget your duty to your husband. And though I would not have you neglect your filial considerations, it also teaches you that your duty to your husband is to love, honor, and obey him. There is no danger of that, for I find that Charles has returned to his usual routine,

and he and Mr. Sleek are at this moment occupied, in the great work. I will easily convince you to the contrary. At what hour this morning the Charles go out, and where to? At twelve precisely to meet Mr. Slee. At a quarter past twelve precisely he was in Belgrave Square, where he found the door of our dear friend, Mrs. Ormustby-Dill-Maine, closed against him.

Yes, my dear. Your naughty husband would see me, but I was denied, and I am determined not to see him until he brings his charming wife. to ask his pardon. And where do you think he is going tonight? He dines with us at the sister of Mr. Sleeks

and will spend his evening in our usual serious and discreet manner. Not a bit of it. He has accepted as invitation for dinner with the officers of the guards, and he has asked me to present him in the evening at Lady Blanks in Camundish Square, with the hope of meeting our charming friend, whose pursuit he is not inclined to relinquish. What is to be done? And what do you require of me?

The fact is, my dear Eve, Captain McGuire and I have arranged it all. In order to show Mr. Torrance that you are no longer at the mercy of Mr. Sleek and Lady Creamley, we have determined that you shall give a ball tonight. We have issued tickets to all your friends, and I will present you to several of mine. The music and the refreshments are ordered, and you have nothing to do but make yourself look as handsome as possible, and surprise your husband with an unexpected pleasure. Charles speaks outside. And, by the way, here he comes, just at the very fortunate moment when his presence is so desired. Maguire goes up and comes down right.

Enter Charles Wright. Seeing Mrs. Delmaine, he starts, but quickly recovers himself. Ah, Mrs. Delmaine, I'm delighted to see you in this house, and I feel obliged by your early returning my wife's visit. Cross us to Mrs. Torrance. Bonjour, ma'petit. To Captain. Ah, Maguire, how are you? It is an unlooked-for pleasure to find you here. My dear fellow, I just called to know at what hour we are to go to Lady Blanks tonight.

Charles, aside to Captain. Don't be absurd. My wife knows nothing of my engagement. Captain Maguire, not heeding him. There's Sabina men's squeeze. The Duchess Deby and the Countess Death and the Spanish beauty donna Ines de Valencia In the Valles and to crown the affair, Mrs. Arnesley Delmaine will, I have no doubt, have the felicity to meet you.

To Mrs. Delmaine. If I mistake not, Mr. Tarrants is engaged you for the first polka. Sir, my husband does not poke. Crosses to right goes up and down, right centre. Captain Maguire, aside. Courage, Charlie, now is the decisive moment. Mrs. Delmain, aside. Fail now and you are lost forever.

Charles with affected courage. Yes, my dear. Mrs. Ormsby, Dalmain, the first polka, the first volse, and a myriad of quadrilles. Oh, you're unreasonable man. Captain Maguire, aside to Mrs. Torrance. You see, madam, the only chance of keeping your husband at home at night is to claim him as your partner for the first polka, the first vols, and a myriad of quadrilles.

Mrs. Torrance, aside, hesitating. Have it as you will. I agree to everything. Captain Maguire to Charles. Zah! We have reached the winning post. The day is our own. Charles, dancing about the stage and snapping his fingers in the air. Bravo! Bravo! That for old Aminadab Sleek and Lady Creamley. In his transport he throws about the papers. At this moment, Lady Crimely and Mr. Sleck enter left. She with bonnet on and he would hat an umbrella.

the name of goodness, what are you about? Only putting the house in order. Lady Cremley, seeing Mrs. Delmaine and the captain, bow very stiffly, and scarcely recognize them. They return her salute in the same manner. I am going first to dinner, as I have one or two commissions, by the way. You, Mr. Sleak, will follow us as soon as possible, and... To Mrs. Torrance. You, my dear, and Miss. Miss. Mr. Torrens will not delay. You know that our dear friends ours are not those of fashionable life. Cross us to write. Dear Mama, my head aches so severely, it is impossible I can go out today.

Why, Mr. Torrens, I never saw you looking better in my life. You're quite mistaken in your prognosis. Charles's nerve, they're all shook to atoms. Well, then, daughter, you and Emma will come as soon as possible. I will send the carriage for you. Oh, dear, Mama, my nerves are also much affected. Excuse me, Lady Creamley. But Mrs. Charles Torrance must stay at home to take care of her husband. The duty of a wife is superior to all other considerations. Be so kind, Mr. Sleak, as to make my compliments and excuses to your sister.

My husband's indisposition prevents me the pleasure of waiting on her as I intended. Cross us to Charles. Come, dear husband, we must see what can be done for you. Exxion Charles and Mrs. Torrance left. Lady Crimely to Mrs. Delmaine. I suspect this is all you're doing, madam. Mrs. Delmaine affecting not to understand her. I would be very happy, but really, I'm engaged.

Sleak going up to the captain. I much fear, Captain Murphy Maguire, you are meddling with matters you do not understand. Captain Maguire, also affecting not to understand him. I am really very sorry. It's quite out of my power to oblige you. Mr. Sleek and Lady Krimly look at each other with astonishment. Lady Krimly aside to Sleek. There is something awful going on here, which I cannot. I will leave you to unravel the mystery if you can, and secure Emma, as I much fear my son-in-law has some designs on her independence.

Exit right. This damefully not noticing Mrs. Del Main or the captain. Captain Maguire, down right. Hazzar! The enemy has beat her a trait without beat of a drum or blast of trumpet. Now, Mr. Minidab's sleek you are our prisoner. At any rate we are two to one against you. Do you surrender at discretion? Mr. Sleek, have you the discretion to surrender? I want you to anvigle Lady Creamley. I never inveigled any female in my life. The greater the honour, if you succeed with Lady Creamley,

the truth is that between you both, you have converted the house of Mr. Torrance into her state prison, and the captain and I are determined to release him. Now, sir, in double-kick time, or in no time at all, are we to treat you as a friend or as an enemy? It is quite indifferent how I am treated by you. My interests are not of this house, nor of this hemisphere. A carcinot, nor have you any personal interest except the getting of Miss Torrance's fortune into your hands,

by marrying her to young straight-air, your nephew. As a worm, I forgive you. As a man, I despise your hints and innuendos. Make up your poise, minds that not a shilling of the young lady's property will pass your fingers. Her brother and guardian has already made choice of a husband, a decent young fellow with a live heart in his bosom. And here comes Emma to earns herself, who, if you should have any ugly doubts on the subject, will clear them up, I dare answer. Enter Emma in a ball dress left. Captain McGuire is not a love of a dress. Do I please you?

Heaven preserve me. What do I see? You are charmingly dressed, and I suppose you are ready to accompany Mr. Animidab Sleek, who is waiting to escort you to his sister. I fear, Mr. Sleek, you will have to make my excuse as I am engaged to a ball this evening. A ball? And a ball? nomination. Lady Creamley will put a stop to these wicked mummeries. Enter Frank Vincent, right. Frank, running in. Captain Aguire, we are all ready. Gunter's people have come with a hamper of silver forks.

There are mountains of cream and whole lakes of Wenham Ice, and Julian and Koenig and the band are coming upstairs. What means this awful outbreak? The house will be defiled. We are going to have a ball tonight. Sneak, grongs. You may stay and dance if you like. Mr. and Mrs. Tarans have resolved,

as you will not let them go to the world to make the world come to them. A ball here? Gras. I will go for Lady Creamley and make you all repent this conduct. It will be time lost, Mr. Sleek, and I would recommend you to compound with your conscience, as you have often done before, and, as I have already advised, come over to our side. Sleek to Emma burst in with rage.

As for you, Miss, Miss. Softly, Mr. Sleek, the British flag protects Miss Torrance. I see there is a conspiracy against the... I will speak to Mrs. Torrens. No, Mr. Sleek. My sister is dressing for the ball. She must not be disturbed. Sleek returns much mortified and puts on his hat. I will go for Lady Creamley.

His hat falls off. He picks it up and puts it on again. Yes, for Lady Creamly. Going, his hat falls off again. Returns to Captain. I will make you responsible from everything. His hat falls off a third time. As he's going out, he picks it up and exits foaming with rage.

All laugh. Ha ha, ha, ha. The coast is clear. But I fear for a short time only is that old sinner will be sure to bring back lady creamly. So let us each to our respective posts to get them all entrain before her ladyship arrives. To Mrs Delmayne. You and them, I will have the kind of. is to see the decorations are in order.

You can accompany them, Frank, as their loyal esquire. The supper and wines I take under my special charge. And now, England expects that every man... And woman. And woman. Well, do his duty. Exian Captain Wright. Frank, Emma and Mrs. Del Main, centre.

Enter Charles, full-dressed, left. No one in the way. I think I can get. off to Lady Blanks without being perceived. That damned Maguire had nearly spoiled all my plans, but fortunately I escaped exactly in the nick of time. Enter Mrs. Torrance, elegantly attired, left. Good heavens, what do I see? Mrs. Torrens in full dress? Well, my dear, what extraordinary fancy has taken you tonight? I may ask the same question. Mr. Torrens, for I see by your costume you are bent on conquest.

Charles, tenderly. Eve, the only conquest I wish to make is here. Oh, Charles, you mock me. Charles, taking her hand. No, my dear. In truth, I never saw you looking so handsome. These jewels and this dress become you most admirably. If you are pleased, I am happy. But now, dear Charles, let us have a few moments' explanation.

for perhaps on the experiment of this night all our future happiness depends. Dear Steve, I am all attention. Charles, you have not been sincere with me. You found me a young creature accustomed only to obey the voice of my mother and ignorant that I had other duties but those she imposed on me to fulfil. You should have told me the little world in which I lived was not the world in which you and other reasonable creatures in our sphere of life existed. I now find that I have been wrong, very wrong indeed,

and that if you have gone a little on your side astray, the fault is all my own. Ah, Eve, you are too kind, too amiable. The fault is all mine. I should have known better what a treasure I possessed. I am now determined, dearest Charles, to give you no excuse for seeking, amusement abroad by giving it you at home. We have henceforth, but one mind, one heart,

and in spite of all Mr. Sleek, or Lady Creamley may say, we shall be as gay and happy, with prudence, and in season, of course, as other people of our rank and fortune. You are an angel, Eve, and from this moment I swear eternal fidelity. Enter Captain Wright. Mrs. Delmaine, Emma, Centre. Welcome, a thousand times welcome. I am the happiest of men, and here is the most angelic creature in existence. Ask no explanations,

but we are now the happiest couple in the world. Your hand, Maguire, it is to your spirit and courage, I owe this moment of liberty. And to you, dear Mrs. Delmaine, I offer a true friend in lieu. You have a false lover. Enter Frank. Center.

Savkipay. Lady Creamley and old Sleek. Sound firm, Charlie. Courage, dearest madam. Oh, we're lost. We're lost. Enter Lady Creamley, followed by Sleek. She throws herself in a posture of violent anger. Sleek stands behind her, hypocritically raising his hands.

She does not perceive either of the three ladies. the three gentlemen standing before them. Lady Crimely violently. What's this I see? What's this I hear? Who has dared to turn this house into a house of sin and iniquity? An abode of Agape Memnon's.

Why, my lady, I am afraid the blame must rest with me. Lady Crimley hotly. I spoke not to you, sir. Where is my daughter? Where is her soul offspring? The captain, who has been standing before Mrs. Torrance, moves aside and discovers her. Lady Crimley screams with horror. Oh, what do I see?

Witchcraft, silk, satins, flowers and jewels. Are we in bedlam? My dear Mama, it is only a bull. A bull! Are you mad, child? You can't dance without a license. Call in the police. Even government cannot defer that tax on hops.

Lady Creamley to Charles. Explain this, Mr. Charles, Torrance. Captain Maguire, aside. Sound firm or you're lost. Charles hesitantly steps aside and discovers Emma. Emma, advancing. It is only a nice little ball, Lady Creamley. Child of Polkermania, Silarius infant.

It's only a bull, Mama, I give in honour of my husband's birthday. Yes, dear Mama, a little dance in honour of my birthday. Frank, coming forward, discovers Mrs Delmaine. Merely a valse and a poker. And that widow of profan a thesis? Yes, Mr. Omnadab's sleek. For once in my life I am tempted to join the solemn circle of a serious family, but only in the hope of bringing cheerfulness and geniality,

where hitherto have been groans and sighs and straight-lace formality. To speak plainly, Lady Creamley, this is my house, and for the future I am determined to be master in it. I will have no longer puritanical faces and starched behaviour, about me. I'll see happy countenances, smiles and cheerfulness. Then look at us. Mrs. Torrance crosses to Lady Grimley. Yes, Mama, we love you very dearly, but Charles and I are commencing a new system. What do I hear? Support me, Mr. Sleak.

Morally, I would, but physically I can't. Must I renounce you for? Forever? Daughter, I command you to follow me. Dear Mama, one's first duty is to obey one's husband, and Charles has ordered me to stay. Lady Creamley to Emma. As for Miss Insolence, come hither. Pardon me, Lady Creamley. Charles is my guardian and has ordered me to stay. Lady Crimely to Mrs. Delmain.

And you, madam, will instantly leave the house. Pardon me, Lady Creamley, this gentleman, my intended husband, has ordered me to stay. Captain Maguire, right. And the three pair of us will make a mighty pretty couple. Why, this is rebellion? No, Mama, only a revolution. Insurrection, if it doesn't succeed. Charles, the first bar of a polka is heard.

Ah, there's the polka, partners and places. Vice and vanity, ungrateful children, I banish you forever. Come, Mr. Sleek. Your wicked salutations won't last. No, though it's a long time, there's a good time coming. Sleek gives his hand and they walk off majestically. The doors at the back of the stage are thrown open and disclose a ballroom,

richly ornamented and lighted up. The orchestra plays Polka Pianissimo. Captain gives his arm to the widow. Frank Vincent to Emma and Charles to Mrs. Torrance. Guests dancing. Charles rubbing his hands. This is a capital day shooting. The following lines are spoken.

to the Polka air while dancing. Isn't this joy, my darling Eve? Joy with you the dance to weave. Oh, may I really call you mine? Partner for life, dear Frank, I'm thine. I'll be the martyr for husband's lives. I'll be the pattern of faithful wives. Charles, isn't this a heavenly scene?

And angels we? That's what you mean? Gaelie my husband's hours shall fly. I vow it. And I. And I. And I. Then if we've pleased our generous friends, gaily, the serious family ends.

Curtain. End of Act 3. End of the serious family by Morris Barnett.