Classic Audiobook Collection - You Know Me Al by Ring Lardner ~ Full Audiobook [comedy]

Episode Date: April 18, 2023

You Know Me Al by Ring Lardner audiobook. Genre: comedy Big, fat, dumb, lazy, vain, headstrong and cheap, Jack Keefe is a journeyman pitcher with the Chicago White Sox in the rowdy days of the Deadball Era, circa 1915, ruled by the likes of Ty Cobb and John McGraw. In You Know Me Al, we follow Jack Keefe's life on-field and off, via the letters Jack writes to his old chum Al in his home town of Bedford, Indiana. Ring Lardner was a Chicago sportswriter who covered the White Sox, and he brought an insider's knowledge of clubhouse life together with his biting wit and gift for the vernacular to create a comic gem in You Know Me Al. The six Jack Keefe stories that compose this volume were originally written as individual magazine articles, but the epistolary format made it easy to collect them into a single running narrative covering Jack's first two years in the Big Leagues. It isn't necessary to know baseball history to enjoy the book, which is as much about Jack's troubles with girlfriends, wives and babies as it is about the Chicago White Sox. For the baseball fan, however, this glimpse into a bygone era adds an extra layer of fascination. In any case, Lardner's portrait of the professional ballplayer as a dumb, drunken narcissist is as funny today as the day it was written. For ad-free listening try our premium subscription Chapters (Approximate) (00:00:00) Chapter 01 (00:48:41) Chapter 02 (01:39:07) Chapter 03 (02:28:50) Chapter 04 (03:23:02) Chapter 05 (04:14:49) Chapter 06 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You know me, Al, by Ring Lardner, Chapter 1, a busher's letters home. Terre Haute, Indiana, September 6. Friend Al. Well, Al, old pal, I suppose you've seen in the paper where I've been sold to the White Sox. Believe me, Al, it comes as a surprise to me, and I bet it did to all you good old pals down home. You could have knocked me over with a feather when they all of you. old man come up to me and says, Jack, I've sold you to the Chicago Americans.

I didn't have no idea that anything like that was coming off. For five minutes, I was just dumb and couldn't say a word. He says, We aren't getting what you are worth, but I want you to go up to that big league and show those birds that there is a central league on the map. He says, go and pitch the ball you've been pitching down here, and there won't be nothing to it.

He says, all you need is the nerve, and Walsh or no one else won't have nothing on you. So I says I would do the best I could, and I thanked him for the treatment I got in Terre Haute. They always was good to me here, and though I did more than my share, I always felt that my work was appreciated. We are finishing second, and I done most of it. I can't help but be proud of my first year's record in professional baseball, and you know I am not boasting when I say that, Al. Well, Al, it will seem funny to be up there in the big show when I never was really in a big city before. But I guess I've seen enough of life not to be scared of the high buildings, eh, Al?

I will just give them what I got, and if they don't like it, they can send me back to the old Central, and I will be perfectly satisfied. I didn't know anybody was looking me over, but one of the boys told me that Jack Doyle, the White Sox Scout, was down here looking at me when Grand Rapids was here. I beat them twice in that serious. You know, Grand Rapids never had a chance with me when I was right. I shut them out in the first game,

and they got one run in the second, on account of Flynn misjudging that fly ball. Anyway, Doyle liked my work, and he wired Comisky to buy me. Kimisky come back with an offer and they accepted it. I don't know how much they got, but anyway, I am sold to the Big League, and believe me, Al, I will make good. Well, Al, I will be home in a few days, and we will have some of the good old times. Regards to all the boys and tell them,

I am still their pal and not all swelled up over this big league business. Your pal, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, December 14. Old pal. Well, Al, I have not got much to tell you. As you know, Comisky wrote me that if I was up and shy this month, to drop in and see him. So I got here Thursday morning and went to his office in the afternoon. His office is out to the Boa Park, and believe me, at some park and some office.

I went in and asked for Comisky, and a young fellow says he is not here, but can I do anything for you. I told him who I am and says I had an engagement to see Comisky. He says the boss is out of town hunting, and did I have to see him personally. I says I wanted to see about signing a contract. He told me I could sign as well with him as Kamiski, and he took me into another office. He says, what salary did you think you ought to get? And I says, I wouldn't think of playing bull in the big league for less than $3,000 per annum. He laughed and says,

You don't want much. You better stick round town till the boss comes back. So here I am, and it is costing me a dollar a day to stay at the hotel on Cottage Grove Avenue, and that don't include my meals. I generally eat at some of the cafes round the hotel, but I had supper downtown last night, and it cost me 55 cents. If Comisky don't come back soon, I won't have no more money left. Speaking of money, I won't sign no contract unless I get the salary you and I talked of.

$3,000. You know what I was getting in Terre Haute? $150 a month. And I know it's going to cost me a lot more to live here. I made inquiries around here and find I can get bored and room for $8 a week, but I will be out of town half the time and will have to pay for my room when I am away, or look up a new one when I come back. Then I will have to buy clothes to wear on the road in places like New York.

When Kamisky comes back, I will name him $3,000 as my lowest figure, and I guess he will come through when he sees I am in earnest. I heard that Walsh was getting twice as much as that. The paper says Kamisky will be back here sometime tomorrow. He has been hunting with the President of the League, so he ought to feel pretty good. But I don't care how he feels. I am going to get a contract for 3,000, and if he don't want to give it to me, he can do the other thing. You know me, Al.

Yours truly, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, December 16. Dear friend, Al. Well, I will be home in a couple of days now, but I wanted to write you and let you know how I come out with Kamiski. I signed my contract yesterday afternoon. He is a great old fellow, Al, and no wonder everybody likes him. He says, Young man, will you have a drink?

But I was too smart and wouldn't take nothing. He says, You was with Terre Haute. I says, yes, I was. He says, Doyle tells me, you were pretty wild. I says, oh no, I got good control. He says, well, do you want to sign?

I says, yes, if I get my family. figure. He asks, what is my figure? And I says, three thousand dollars per annum. He says, Don't you want the office furniture too? Then he says, I thought you was a young ball player, and I didn't know you wanted to buy my park. We kidded each other back and forth like that a while, and then he says, you better go out and get the air, and come back when you feel better. I says I feel okay now, and I want to sign a contract because I have got to get back to Bedford. Then he calls the secretary and tells him to make out my contract. He give it to me, and it calls for 250 a month.

He says, You know, we always have a city serious here in the fall, where a fellow picks up a good bunch of money. I hadn't thought of that, so I signed up. My yearly salary will be $1,500 besides what the city serious brings me, and that is only for the first year. I will demand $3,000 or $4,000 next year. I would have started home on the evening train, but I ordered a suit of clothes from a tailor over on Cottage Grove, and it won't be done till tomorrow. It's going to cost me $20, but it ought to last a long time. regards to Frank and the bunch,

Your pal, Jack Paso Robles, California, March 2nd Old pal Al Well, Al, we've been in this little bird now A couple of days, and it's bright and warm all the time, just like June. Seems funny to have it so warm this early in March,

but I guess this California climate is all they say about it, and then some. It would take me a week to tell you about our trip out here, here. We came on a special train deluxe, and it was some train. Every place we stopped, there was crowds down to the station to see us go through, and all the people looked me over like I was an actor or something. I guess my height and shoulders attracted their attention. Well, Al, we finally got to Oakland, which is across part of the ocean from Frisco. We will be back there later on for practice games. We stayed in Oakland a few hours, and then took a train for three. here. It was another night in a sleeper, and believe me, I was tired of sleepers before we got here.

I have rode one night at a time, but this was four straight nights. You know, Al, I am not built right for a sleeping car berth. The hotel here is a great big place and got good eats. We got in at breakfast time, and I made a bee line for the dining room. Kid Gleason, who is a kind of assistant manager to Callahan, come in and sat down with me. He says, "'Lave something for the rest of the boys, because they will be just as hungry as you.' He says, ain't you afraid you will cut your throat with that knife? He says, "'There ain't no extra charge for using the forks.' He says, "'You shouldn't ought to eat so much, because you're overweight now.'

I says, you may think I am fat, but it's all solid bone and muscle. He says, Yes, I suppose it's all solid bone from the neck up. I guess he thought I would get sore, but I will let them kid me now because they will take off their hats to me when they see me work.

Manager Callahan called us all to his room after breakfast and give us a lecture. He says there would be no work for us the first day, but that we must all take a long walk over the hills. He also says we must not take the training trip as a joke.

Then the colored trainer give us our suits, and I went to my room and tried mine on. I ain't a bad-looking guy in the white-socks uniform, Al. I will have my picture taken and send you boys some. My roommate is Alan, a left-hander from the Coast League. He don't look nothing like a pitcher, but you can't never tell about them damn left-handers. Well, I didn't go on the long walk because I was tired out. Walsh stayed at the hotel, too. And when he's seen me, he says,

Why didn't you go with the bunch? I says I was too tired. He says, well, when Callahan comes back, you better keep out of sight or tell him you are sick. I says, I don't care nothing for Callahan. He says, no, but Callahan is crazy about you. He says, you better obey orders and you will get along better. I guess Walsh thinks I am some rude.

When the bunch come back, Callahan never said a word to me, but Gleason come up and says, Where was you? I told him I was too tired to go walking. He says, well, I will borrow a wheelbarrow someplace and push you around. He says, do you sit down when you pitch? I let him kid me because he has not saw my stuff yet. Next morning, half the bunch, mostly veterans, went to the bowl, park, which isn't no better than the one we got at home. Most of them was veterans, as I say, but I was in the bunch. That makes things look pretty good for me, don't it, Al? We tossed the ball round and hit fungos and run round, and then Callahan asked Scott and Russell and Edo, warm up easy and pitch a few to the batters. It was warm, and I felt pretty good, so I warmed up

pretty good. Scott pitched to them first and kept laying them right over with nothing on them. I don't believe a man gets any batting practice that way. So I went in, and after I lobbed a few over, I cut loose my fast one. Lord was to bat, and he ducked out of the way, and then he throwed his bat to the bench. Callahan says, what's the matter, Harry? Lord says, I forgot to pay up my life insurance. He says, I ain't ready for the Walter Johnson's July stuff. Well, Al, I will make them think I am Walter Johnson before I get through with them. But Callahan come out to me and says, What are you trying to do? Kill somebody? He says, save your smoke, because you're going to need it later on. He says, go easy with the boys at first, or I won't have no batters. But he was laughing,

and I guessed he was pleased to see the stuff I had. there is a dance in the hotel tonight and i am up in my room writing this in my underwear while i get my suit pressed i got it all must up coming out here i don't know what shoes to wear i ask leeson and he says wear your baseball shoes and if any of the girls gets fresh with you spike em i guess he was kidding me write and tell me all the news about home yours truly jack Paso Robles, California, March 7th. Friend Al. I showed them something out there today, Al. We had a game between two teams. One team was made up of most of the regulars,

and the other was made up of recruits. I pitched three innings for the recruits and shut the old birds out. I held them to one hit, and that was a ground ball, that the recruit shortstop Johnson ought to have ate up. I struck Collins out, and he is one of the best batters in the bunch. I used my fastball most of the while, but showed them a few spitters, and they missed them afoot. I guessed I must have got Walsh's goat with my spitter, because him and I walked back to the hotel together, and he talked like he was kind of jealous. He says,

You will have to learn to cover up your spitter. He says, I could stand a mile away and tell when you was going to throw it. He says, some of these days I will learn you how to cover it up. I guess, Al, I know how to cover it up all right without Walsh learning me. I always sit at the same table in the dining room, along with Gleason and Collins and Bodey and Fournier and Alan, the young left-hander I told you about. I feel sorry for him because he never says a word.

Tonight at supper, Bode says, How did I look today, kid? Gleason says Just like you always do in a spring You look like a cow Gleason seems to have the whole bunch scared of him And they let him say anything he wants to I let him kid me

But I ain't scared of him Collins then says to me You got some fastball there boy I says I was not as fast today as I am when I am right He says Well then I don't want to hit against you and you are right. Then Gleason says to Collins,

Cut that stuff out. Then he says to me, Don't believe what he tells you, boy. If the pitches in this league weren't no faster than you, I would still be playing ball, and I would be the best hitter in the country. After supper, Gleeson went out on the porch with me. He says, boy, you have got a little stuff, but you have got a lot to learn. He says, you field your position like a washwoman. and you don't hold the runners up. He says,

When Chase was on second base today, he got such a lead on you that the little catcher couldn't have shot him out at third with a rifle. I says, they all thought I fielded my position all right in the Central League. He says,

well, if you think you'd do it all right, you better go back to the Central League where you are appreciated. I says, you can't send me back there because you could not get waivers. He says, Oh, what class? you. I says,

St. Louis and Boston and New York. You know, Al, what Smith told me this winter? Pleason says, Well, if you're not willing to learn, St. Louis and Boston and New York, and have you? And the first time you pitch against us, we will steal 50 bases.

Then he quit kidding and asked me to go to the field with him early tomorrow morning, and he would learn me some new things. I don't think he can learn me nothing, but I promised I would go with him. There is a little blonde kid in the hotel who took a shine to me at the dance the other night, but I am going to leave the skirts alone.

She is real society and a swell dresser, and she wants my picture. Regards to all the boys. Your friend Jack. P.S. The boys thought they would be smart tonight and put something over on me. A boy brought me a telegram, and I opened it, and it said you are sold to Jackson in the Cotton States League. for just a minute they had me going, but then I happened to think that Jackson is in Michigan

and there's no Cotton State's League round there. Paso Robles, California, March 9. Dear friend Al. You have no doubt read the good news in the papers before this reached you. I have been picked to go to Frisco with the first team. We play practice games up there about two weeks while the second club plays in Los Angeles.

poor Alan had to go with a second club. There's two other recruit pitchers with our part of the team, but my name was the first on the list, so it looks like I had made good. I know they would like my stuff when they seen it. We leave here tonight. You got the first team's address, so you will know where to send my mail.

Callahan goes with us, and Gleeson goes with the second club. Him and I got to be pretty good pals, and I wish he was going with us, even if he don't let me eat like I want him. He told me this morning to remember all he had learned me, and to keep working hard. He didn't learn me nothing I didn't know before, but I let him think so. The little blonde don't like to see me leave here. She lives in Detroit, and I may see her when I go there.

She wants me to write, but I guess I better not give her no encouragement. Well, Al, I will write you a long letter from Frisco. Yours truly, Jack. Oakland, California, March 19. Dear old pal. They have gave me plenty of work here, all right. I have pitched four times, but have not went over five innings yet. I worked against Oakland two times, and against Frisco two times,

and only three runs have been scored off me. They should only ought to have had one, but Bodey misjudged an easy-fly ball in Frisco, and Weaver made a wild peg in Oakland that let in a run. I am not using much but my fastball, but I have got a world of speed, and they can't foul me when I am right. I whiffed eight men in five innings in Frisco yesterday, and could have did better than that if I had have cut loose.

Manager Callahan is a funny guy, and I don't understand him sometimes. I can't figure out if he is kidding or in earnest. We rode back to Oakland on the ferry together after yesterday's game, and he says, Don't you ever throw a slow ball? I says, I don't need no slow ball with my spitter and my fast one. He says, no, of course you don't need it,

but if I was you, I would get one of the boys to learn it to me. He says, and you better watch the way the boys fields their position and holds up the runners. He says, to see your work, a man might think they had a rule in the Central League forbidden a picture from leaving the box or looking towards first base. I told him the central didn't have no rule like that. He says, And I noticed you've taken your wind up when,

what's his name was on second base there today. I says, Yes, I got more stuff when I wind up. He says, of course you have. But if you wind up like that with Cobb on base, he will steal your watch and chain. I says, Maybe Cobb can't get on that.

base when I work against him. He says, that's right, and maybe San Francisco Bay is made of grape juice. Then he walks away from me. I give one of the youngsters a awful bawling out for something he'd done in the game at supper last night. If he ever

talks to me like he'd done to him, I will take a punch at him. You know me, Al. I come over to Frisco last night with some of the boys, and we took in the sights. Friscoe is some live town now. We went all through Chinatown and the barber's coast. Seeing lots of swell dames, but they was all

painted up. They have beer out here that they call steam beer. I had a few glasses of it, and it made me logy. Glass of that tarahote beer would go pretty good right now. We leave here for Los Angeles in a few days, and I will write you from there. This is some country, Al, and I would love to play ball round here. Your pal Jack. I got a letter from the little blonde, and I suppose I got to answer it. Los Angeles, California, March 26. Frand Al. Only four more days of sunny California, and then we start back east. We got exhibition games in Yuma and El Paso, Texas, and Oklahoma City,

and then we stop over in St. Joe, Missouri, for three days before we go home. You know, Al, we open the season in Cleveland, and we won't be in sure. shy no more than just passing through. We don't play there till April 18th, and I guess I will work in that serious all right against Detroit. Then I will be glad to have you and the boys come up

and watch me as you suggested in your last letter. I got another letter from the little blonde. She has went back to Detroit, but she gave me her address and telephone number, and believe me, Al, I am going to look her up when we get there the 29th of April.

She is a stenographer, and was out here with their uncle and aunt. I had a run-in with Kelly last night, and it looked like I would have to take a wallop at him, but the other boys separated us. He is a bush outfielder from the New England League. He was playing poker. You know the boys plays poker a good deal, but this was the first time I got in. I was having pretty good luck, and was about four bucks to the good, and I was thinking of quitting because I was tired and sleepy. Then Kelly opened the pot for 50 cents, and I stayed. I had three sevens. No one else stayed. Kelly stood pat and I drawed two cards, and I catched my fourth seven. He bit fifty cents, but I felt pretty safe, even if he did have a

pat hand. So I called him. I took the money and told them I was through. Lord and some of the boys laughed, but Kelly got nasty and began to pan me for quitting and for the way I played. I says, well, I won the pot, didn't I? He says, yes, and he called me something. I says, I got a notion to take a punch at you. He says, Oh, you have, have you? And I come back at him. I says, yes, I have, have I? I would have have busted his jaw if they hadn't stopped me. You know me, Al. I worked here two times once against Los Angeles and once against Venice. I went to full nine innings both times, and Venice beat me four to two. I could have beat them easy with any kind of

support. I walked a couple of guys in the fourth, and Chase drops a throw, and Collins lets a fly ball get away from him. At that, I would have shut them out if I had wanted to cut loose. After the game, Callahan says, you didn't look so good in there today. I says, I didn't cut loose. He says, well, you've been working pretty near three weeks now, and you ought to be in shape to cut loose. I says, oh, I am in shape all right. He says, well, don't work now. You're going to work no harder than you have to, or you might get hurt, and then the league would blow up. I don't know if he was kidding me or not, but I guess he thinks pretty well of me, because he works me lots oftener than Walsh or Scott or Ben's.

I will try to write you from Yuma, Texas, but we don't stay there only a day, and I might not have time for a long letter. Yours truly, Jack. Yuma, Arizona, April 1st. Dear Old Al. Just a line to let you know. we are on our way back east. This place is in Arizona, and it sure is sandy. They haven't got no regular ball club here,

and we play a pickup team this afternoon. Callahan told me I would have to work. He says, I am using you because we want to get through early, and I know you can beat them quick. That is the first time he has said anything like that, and I guess he is wising up that I got the goods. We was talking about the athletics this morning, and Calathan says,

None of your fellows pitch right to Baker. I was talking to Lord and Scott afterward, and I say to Scott, how do you pitch to Baker? He says, I use my fade away. I says, how do you throw it? He says, just like you throw a fastball to anybody else? I says, why do you call it a fadeaway then?

He says, because when I throw it to back, Baker, it fades away over the fence. This place is full of Indians, and I wish you could see them, Al. They don't look nothing like the Indians we seen in that show last summer. Your old pal, Jack. Oklahoma City, April 4. Friend Al. Coming out of Amarillo last night, I and Lord and Weaver was sitting at a table in the dining car with the old lady.

None of us were talking to her, but she looked me all. over pretty careful and seemed to kind of like my looks. Finally, she says, Are you boys with some football club? Lord Nor Weaver didn't say nothing, so I thought it was up to me and says, No, ma'am, this is the Chicago White Sox Ball Club. She says, I knew you were athletes. I says, yes, I guess you could spot us for athletes. She says, yes indeed, and especially you. You certainly look healthy. I says, you ought to see me stripped. I didn't see nothing funny about that,

but I thought Lord and Weaver would die laughing. Laura had to get up and leave the table, and he told everybody what I said. All the boys wanted me to play poker on the way here, but I told them I didn't feel good. I know enough to quit when I am ahead, Al. Callahan and I sat down to breakfast all alone this morning. He says,

Boy, why don't you get to work? I says, what do you mean? Ain't I working? He says, He ain't him proven none. You've got the stuff to make a good picture, but you don't go after buntz, and you don't cover first base,

and you don't watch the base runners. He kind of made me sore talking that way, and I says, Oh, I guess I can get along all right. He says, Well, I am going to put up. put it up to you. I am going to start you over in St. Joe, day after tomorrow, and I want you to show me something. I want you to cut loose with all you've got, and I want you to get round the

infield a little, and show them you aren't tied in that box. I says, oh, I can field my position if I want to. He says, well, you better want to, or I will have to ship you back to the sticks. Then he got up and left. He didn't scare me none, Al. They won't. They will. ship me to no sticks after the way I showed on this trip, and even if they did, they couldn't get no waivers on me. Some of the boys have begun to call me four sevens, but it don't bother me none. Yours truly, Jack. St. Joe, Missouri, April 7. Friend Al. It rained yesterday, so I worked today instead, and St. Joe done well to get three hits. They couldn't have scored if we had played all week. I give a couple of passes, but I catch the guy flat-footed off of first base,

and I come up with a couple of bunts and throwed guys out. When the game was over, Callahan says, That's the way I'd like to see you work. It looks better today than you looked on the whole trip. Just once you wound up with a man on, but otherwise he was all okay. So I guess my job is cinch, Al, and I won't have to go to New York or St. Louis. I would rather be in shy anyway, because it is near home. I wouldn't care, though, if they traded me to Detroit. I hear from Violet right along, and she says she can't hardly wait till I come to Detroit.

She says she is strong for the Tigers, but she will pull for me when I work against them. She is nuts over me, and I guess she has saw lots of guys, too. I sent her a stick-pin from Oklahoma City, but I can't spend no more dough on her till after our first payday the 15th of the month. I had 30 bucks on me when I left home, and I only got about 10 left, including the five spot I won in the poker game.

I have to tip the waiters about 30 cents a day, and I've seen about 20 picture shows on the coast, besides getting my clothes pressed a couple of times. We leave here tomorrow night and arrive and shy the next morning. The second club joins us there, and then that night we go to Cleveland to open up. I asked one of the reporters if he knew who was going to pitch. the opening game, and he says it would be Scott or Walsh, but I guess he don't know much about it. These reporters travel all around the country with a team all season and send in telegrams about the game every night. I ain't seen no shy papers, so I don't know what they've been saying about me. But I should worry, eh, Al? Some of them are pretty nice fellows, and some of them got the swell

head. They hang around with the old fellows and play poker most of the time. We'll write you from Cleveland, you will see me in the paper if I pitch the opening game. Your old pal, Jack. Cleveland, Ohio, April 10. Old friend, Al. Well, Al, we are all set to open the season this afternoon. I have just ate breakfast, and I am sitting in the lobby of the hotel. I eat at a little lunch counter about a block from here, and I save 70 cents on breakfast. You see, Al, they give us a a meal, and if we don't want to spend that much all right, our rooms at the hotel are paid for. The Cleveland Papers says Walsh or Scott will work for us this afternoon. I asked Callahan if there was any chance of me getting into the first game, and he says I hope not.

I don't know what he meant, but he may surprise these reporters and let me pitch. I will beat them, Al. Lajouet and Jackson is supposed to be great batters, but the bigger they are, the harder they fall. The second team joined us yesterday in Shye, and we practiced a little. Poor Alan was left in Shye last night with four others of the recruit pitchers. Looks pretty good for me, eh, Al? I only seen Gleason for a few minutes on the train last night. He says,

Well, you ain't took off much weight. You're hog fat. I says, oh, I ain't fat. I didn't need to take off no weight. He says, One good thing about it. The club don't have to engage no birth for you, because you spend all your time in the dining car.

We kidded along like that a while, and then the trainer rubbed my arm and I went to bed. Well, Al, I just got time to have my suit pressed before noon. Yours truly, Jack. Cleveland, Ohio, April 11. Friend Al. Well, Al, I suppose you know by this time that I did not pitch and that we got licked. Scott was in there, and he was in there, and he,

didn't have nothing. When they had us beat four to one in the eighth inning, Callahan told me to go out and warm up, and he put a battery in for Scott in our ninth. But Cleveland didn't have to play their ninth, so I got no chance to work. But looks like he means to start me in one of the games here. We got three more to play. Maybe I will pitch this afternoon. I got a postcard from Violet. She says, beat them naps. I will give them a battle owl if I get the chance. to hear you boys have fixed it up to come to shy during the Detroit series. I will ask Callahan when he is going to pitch me and let you know. Thanks Al for the papers, your friend Jack. St. Louis, Missouri, April 15. Friend Al. Well, Al, I guess I showed them. I only worked one inning, but I guess them Browns is glad I wasn't in there no longer than that. They had us beat seven to one in the sixth, and Callahan pulls Ben's out. I honestly felt sorry for him, but he didn't have nothing. Not a thing. They was hitting him so hard I thought they would score a hundred runs.

A right-hander named Bum Gardner was pitching for them, and he didn't look to have nothing either, but we ain't got much of a batting team, Al. I could hit better than some of them regulars. Anyway, Calhann called bench to the bench and sent for me. I was down in the corner warming up with Cune. I wasn't warmed up good, but you know I got the nerve. Val, and I run right out there like I meant business. There was a man on second, and nobody out when I come in. I didn't know who was up there, but I found out afterward it was shot. He's the

center fielder. I was cold, and I walked him. Then I got warmed up good, and I made Johnston look like a boob. I'd give him three fast balls, and he let two of them go by and missed the other one. I would have handed him a spitter, but Shaw kept signing for the fast ones, and he knows more about them batters than me. Anyway, I whiffed Johnston. Then up comes Williams, and I tried to make him hit at a couple of bad ones. I was in the hole with two balls and nothing, and come right across the heart with my fast one. I wish you could have saw the hop on it. Williams hit it right straight up, and Lord was camped under it. Then up come Pratt, the best hitter on their club. You know what I done to him, don't you, Al?

I give him one spitter and another he didn't strike at that was a ball. Then I come back with two fast ones, and Mr. Pratt was a dead baby. And you notice they didn't steal no bases, neither. In our half of the seventh inning, Weaver and Shaw got on, and I was going up there with a stick, when Callahan calls me back and sends Easterly up. I don't know what kind of managing you call that. I hit good on the training trip, and he must have to be.

knew they had no chance to score off me in the innings they had left while they were liable to murder as other pitchers. I come back to the bench pretty hot, and I says, you're making a mistake. He says, if Kamesk had wanted you to manage this team, he would have hired you. Then Easterly pops out, and I says, Now I guess you're sorry you didn't let me hit. That sent him right up in the air, and he bawled me awful. Honest Al, I would have cracked him right in the jaw if we hadn't in right out where everybody could have saw us. Then he said Cot in to finish, and they didn't score

no more, and we didn't either. I rode down in the car with Gleason. He says, Boy, you shouldn't ought to talk like that to Cal. Someday he will lose his temper and bust you one. I says, he won't never bust me.

I says, he didn't have no right to talk like that to me. Gleason says, I suppose you think he's going to laugh and smile when we lost four out of the first five games. He says, Wait till tonight, and then go up to him and let him know you are sorry you sass him.

I says, I didn't sass him, and I ain't sorry. So after supper I seen Callahan sitting in the lobby, and I went over and sit down by him. I says, when are you going to let me work? He says, I wouldn't never let you work, only my pitchers are all shot to pieces. Then I told him about you boys coming up from Bedford to watch me during the Detroit series,

and he says, Well, I will start here in the second game against Detroit, he says, but I wouldn't if I had any pitchers. He says, A girl could get out there and pitch better than some of them have been doing. So you see, Al, I'm going to pitch on the 19th. I hope you guys can be up there,

and I will show you something. I know I can beat them tigers, and I will have to do it even if they are Violet's team. I noticed that New York and Boston got trimmed today, so I suppose they wish Comisky would ask for waivers on me. No chance, Al. Your old pal, Jack. P.S.

We play 11 games in Shai and then go to Detroit, so I will see the little girl on the 29th. Oh, you, Violet. Chicago, Illinois, April 19th. Dear old pal. Well, Al, it's just as well you couldn't come. They beat me, and I am writing you this, so as you will know the truth about the game,

and not get a bum steer from what you read in the papers. I had a sore arm when I was warming up, and Callahan should never ought to have set me in there. And Shaw kept signing for my fastball, and I kept giving it to him, because I thought he ought to know something about the batters. Weaver and Lord and all of them kept kicking them around the infield, and Collins and Bodie couldn't catch nothing.

Callahan ought never to have left me in there when he seen how sore my arm was. Why, I couldn't have threw hard enough to break a pain of glass my arm was so sore. They sure did run wild on the bases. Cobbs stole four, and Bush and Crawford and Veach about two apiece. Shawk didn't even make a peg half the time. I guess he was trying to throw me down. The score was 16 to 2 when Callahan finally took me out in the 8th,

and I don't know how many more they got. I kept telling him to take me out when I seen how bad I was, but he wouldn't do it. They started bunting in the 5th, and Lord and Chase just stood there and didn't give me no help at all. I was all okay till I had the first two men out in the 4th, first inning. Then Crawford come up. I wanted to

give him a spitter, but Shalk signs me for the fast one, and I give it to him. The ball didn't hop much, and Crawford happened to catch it just right. At that, Collins ought to have catch the ball. Crawford made three bases, an up-com

Cobb. It was the first time I ever seen him. He hollered at me right off to Rio. He says, you better walk me, you busher. I says, I will walk you back to the bench. Shalk signs for a spitter, and I gives it to him, and Cobb misses it. Then, instead of signing for another one, Shaw asks for a fast one, and I shook my head no, but he signed for it again and yells, Put something on it! So I throw the fast one, and Cobb hits it right over second base. I don't

know what Weaver was doing, but he never made a move for the ball. Crawford scored, and Cobb was on first base. First thing I knowed, he had stole second while I held the ball. Callahan yells, Wake up out there! And I says, why don't your catcher tell me when they are going to steal? Sharks says, Get in there and pitch and shut your mouth! And I got mad and walked Veach and Moriarty. but before I walked Moriarty, Cobb and Veech pulled a double steel on shock. Gaynor lifts a fly, and Lord drops it, and two more come in.

Then Stanage walks, and I whiffs their pitcher. I come into the bench, and Callahan says, Are your friends from Bedford up here? I was pretty sore, and I says, Why don't you get a catcher? He says, We don't need no catcher when you're pitching, because you can't get nothing past

their bats. Then he said, You better leave your uniform in here when you go out next inning, or Cobb will steal it off your back. I says, My arm is sore. He says, Use your other one, and you'll do just as good.

Gleason says, How do you want to warm up? Callahan says, Nobody. He says, Cobb is going to lead the league in batting and base stealing anyway, so he might as well give him good start. I was mad enough to punch his jaw, but the boys winked at me not to do nothing.

Well, I got some support in the next inning, and nobody got on. Between innings, I says, well, I guess I look better now, don't I? Callahan says, yes, but it wouldn't look so good if Collins hadn't jump up on the fence and catch that on off Crawford. That's all the encouragement I got, Al. Cobb come up again to start the third, and when Sharks signs me for a fast one, I shakes my head. Then chalk says, All right, pitch anything you want to. I pitched a spitter, and Cobb bunts it right at me. I would have thrown him out a block, but I stubbed my toe in a rough place and fell down. This is the roughest ground I ever seen,

Al. Veech bunts, and for a wonder, Lord throws him out. Cobb goes to second, and honest, Al, I forgot all about him being there, and first thing I knowed, he had stole third. Then Moriarty hits a fly ball to Bodie, and Cobb scores, though Bodie ought to have threw him out, 20 feet. They batted all round in the fourth inning, and scored four or five more. Crawford got the luckiest three-based hit I ever see. He popped one way up in the air, and the wind blowed it against the fence. The wind is something fierce here, Al. At that, that Collins ought to have got under it. I was looking at the bench all the time,

expecting Callahan to call me in, but he kept hollering, Go on and pitch. Your friends want to see a pitch. Well, Al, I don't know how they got the rest of their runs, but they had more luck than any team I ever seen. And all the time Jennings was on the coaching line, yelling like an Indian.

Someday, Al, I'm going to punch his jaw. After Veach had hit one in the eighth, Callahan calls me to the bench and says, You're through for the day. I says, It's about time you found out my arm was sore. He says, Why, you ain't horrid about your arm?

But I'm afraid some of our outfielders will run their legs off, and some of them par infielder's will get killed. He says, The reporters just sent me a message saying they had run out of paper. Then he says, I wish some of the other clubs had pictures like you so we could hit once in a while. He says,

Go on the clubhouse and get her arm rubbed off. That's the only way I can get Jenningsore, he says. Well, Al, that's about all there was to it. It will take two or three stamps to send this, but I want you to know the truth about it. The way my arm was, I ought never to have went in there. Yours truly, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, April 25.

Friend, Al. Just a line to let you know, am still on earth. My arm feels pretty good again, and I guess maybe I will work in Detroit. Violet writes that she can't hardly wait to see me. Looks like I got a regular girl now, Al. We go up there the 29th, and maybe I won't be glad to see her. I hope she will be out to the game the day I pitch. I will pitch the way I want to next time, and them tigers won't have such a picnic. I suppose you've seen what the Chicago reporter said about that game. I will punch a couple of their jaws when I see them. Your pal, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, April 29.

Dear old Al. Well, Al, it's all over. The club went to Detroit last night, and I didn't go along. Callahan told me to report to Kamiski this morning, and I went up to the office at 10 o'clock. He gave me my pay-to-date and broke the news. I am sold. to Frisco. I asked him how they got waivers on me, and he says, Oh, there was no trouble about that, because they all heard how you tamed the tigers. Then he patted me on the back and says, Go out there and work hard, boy, and maybe you'll get another chance someday. I was kind of choked up, so I walked out of the office.

I ain't had no fair deal, Al, and I ain't going to know Frisco. I will quit the game first and take that job Charlie offered me at the billiard hole. I expect to be in Bedford in a couple of days. I have got to pack up first and settle with my landlady about my room here, which I engaged for all season thinking I would be treated square. I am going to rest and lay round home a while and try to forget this rotten game. Tell the boys about it, Al, and tell them I never would have got let out if I hadn't worked with a sore arm.

I feel sorry for that little girl up in Detroit, Al. She expected me there today. Your old pal, Jack. P.S. I suppose you've seen where that lucky left-hander Alan shut out Cleveland with two hits yesterday. The Lucky Stiff. End of Chapter 1.

Read by Rick Rodstrom. Chapter 2 of You Know Meal This is a Libravox recording. All Libravox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Libravox.org. Recording by Rick Rodstrom. You Know Meal by Ring Lardner. Chapter 2, The Busher comes back.

San Francisco, California, May 13. Al. I suppose you and the rest of the boys in Bedford will be surprised to learn that I am out here, because I remember telling you when I was sold to San Francisco by the White Sox that not under no circumstances would I report here. I was pretty mad when Comiskey gave me my release, because I didn't think I had been given a fair show by Callahan. I don't think so yet, Al, and I never will.

But Bill Sullivan, the old White Sox catcher, talked to me and told me, and told me not to pull no boner by refusing to go where they sent me. He says, We're only hurting yourself. He says, You must remember that this was your first time up in the big show. Very few men, no matter how much stuff they got, can expect to make good right off the reel.

He says, All you need is experience, and pitching out in the Coast League will be just the thing for you. So I went in and asked Comisky, for my transportation, and he says, That's right, boy. Go out there and work hard, and maybe I will want you back. I told him I hope so, but I don't hope nothing of the kind, Al.

I'm going to see if I can't get Detroit to buy me, because I would rather live in Detroit than anywhere else. The little girl who got stuck on me this spring lives there. I guess I told you about her, Al. Her name is Violet, and she is some queen. And then, if I got with the Tigers, I would never have to pitch against Cobb and Crawford, though I believe I could show both of them up if I was right. They ain't got much of a ball club here, and hardly any good pitchers outside of me.

But I don't care. I will win some games if they give me any support, and I will get back in the Big League and show them bird something. You know me, Al. Your pal, Jack. Los Angeles, California, May 20. Al. Well, Al, old pal, I don't suppose you can find much news of this league in the papers at home, so you may not know that I have been standing this league on their heads.

I pitched against Oakland up home and shut them out with two hits. I made them look like suckers, Al. They hadn't never saw no speed like mine, and they was scared to debt the minute I cut loose. I could have pitched the last six innings with my foot and trimmed them they were so scared. Well, we come down here for a series, and I worked the second game. They got four hits and one run, and I just give them the one run. Their shortstop Johnson was on the training trip with the White Sox,

and of course I knowed him pretty well. So I eased up in the last inning and let him hit one. If I had of wanted to let myself out, he couldn't have hit me with the board. So I am going along good, and Howard, our manager, says he is going to use me regular. He's a pretty nice manager, and not a bit sarcastic like some of them big leaguers. I am fielding my position good and watching the base runners too. Thank goodness, Al, they ain't no cobs in this league, and a man ain't scared of having his uniform stole off his back.

But listen, Al, I don't want to be bought by Detroit no more. It is all off between Violet and I. She wasn't the sort of girl I suspected. She is just like them all, Al. No heart. I wrote her a letter from Chicago telling her I was sold to San Francisco, and she wrote back a postcard saying something about not having no time to waste on bushers. What do you know about that, Al? Calling me a busher. I will show them. She wasn't no good, Al, and I figure I am well rid of her. Good ridden's is rubbish, as they say. I will let you know how I get along, and if I hear anything about being sold or drafted.

Yours truly, Jack. San Francisco, California, July 20. Friend Al. You will forgive me for not writing to you oftener when you hear the news I got for you. Old pal, I am engaged to be married. Her name is Hazel Carney and she is some queen, Al, a great big, stropping girl that must weigh 160 pounds. She is out to every game and she got stuck on me from watching me work.

then she writes a note to me and makes a date and i meet her down on market street one night we go to a nickel show together and have some time since then we've been together pretty near every evening except when i was away on the road night before last she asked me if i was married and i tells her no and she says a big handsome man like i ought not to have no trouble finding a wife i tells her i ain't never look for one and she says Well, you wouldn't have to look very far. I asked her if she was married, and she said no, but she wouldn't mind it. She likes her beer pretty well, and her and I had several, and I guess I was feeling pretty good. Anyway, I guessed I asked her if she wouldn't marry me, and she says it was okay. I ain't a bit sorry, Al, because she is some doll, and will make them all sit up back home. She wanted to get married right away, but I said, no, wait till the season is over.

and maybe I will have more dough. She asked me what I was getting, and I told her $200 a month. She says she didn't think I was getting enough, and I don't neither, but I will get the money when I get up in the big show again. Anyway, we are going to get married this fall, and then I will bring her home and show her to you.

She wants to live in shy or New York, but I guess she will like Bedford okay when she gets acquainted. I have made good here, all right, Al. Up to a week ago Sunday, I had one of the day, 11 straight. I have lost a couple since then, but one day I wasn't feeling good, and the other time they kicked it away behind me. I had a run in with Howard after Portland beat me. He says, Keep on running around with that skirt and you won't never win another game. He says, Go to bed nights and keep in shape, or I will take your money. I told him to mind his own business,

and then he walked away from me. I guess he was scared I was going to smash him. No man. No man. manager ain't going to bluff me, Al. So I went to bed early last night and didn't keep my date with a kid. She was pretty sore about it, but business before pleasure, Al. Don't tell the boys nothing about me being engaged. I want to surprise them. Your pal, Jack. Sacramento, California, August 16. Friend Al. Well, Al, I got the surprise of my life last night. Howard called me up after I got to my room. and tells me I am going back to the White Sox. Come to find out, when they sold me out here, they kept an option on me,

and yesterday they exercised it. He told me I would have to report it once. So I packed up as quick as I could, and then went down to say goodbye to the kid. She was all broke up and wanted to go along with me, but I told her I didn't have enough dough to get married. She said she would come anyway, and we could get married and shy,

but I told her she better wait. She cried all over my sleeve. She sure has gone on me, Al, and I couldn't help feeling sorry for her, but I promised to send for her in October, and then everything will be all okay. She asked me how much I was going to get in the big league, and I told her I would get a lot more money than out here, because I wouldn't play if I didn't. You know me, Al.

I come over here to Sacramento with the club this morning, and I am leaving tonight for shy. I will get there next Tuesday, and I guess Callahan will work me right away because he must have seen his mistake in letting me go by now. I will show them, Al. I looked up the schedule and I seen where we play in Detroit the 5th and 6th of September. I hope they will let me pitch there, Al. Violet goes to the games, and I will make her sorry she gave me that kind of treatment.

And I will make them tigers sorry they kidded me last spring. I ain't afraid of Cobb or none of them now, Al. Your pal, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, August 27. Al. Well, old pal, I guess I busted in right. Did you notice what I'd done to them athletics? The best club in the country?

I bet Violet wishes she hadn't called me no busher. I got here last Tuesday and set up in the stand and watched the game that afternoon. Washington was playing here, and Johnson pitched. I was anxious to watch him because I had heard so much about him. Honest Al, he ain't as fast as me. He shut them out, but they never was much of a hitting club. I went to the clubhouse after the game and shook hands with the bunch. Kid Gleason, the assistant manager, seemed pretty glad to see me, and he says,

Well, have you learned something? I says, yes, I guess I have. He says, Did you see the game this afternoon? I says, I had, and he asked me what I thought of Johnson. I says, I don't think so much of him. He says, well, I guess he ain't learned nothing then. He says,

What was the matter with Johnson's work? I says, he ain't got nothing but a fastball. Then he says, yes, and Rockefeller ain't got nothing but a hundred million bucks. Well, I asked Callahan if he was going to give me a chance to work, and he says he was. but I sat on the bench a couple of days, and he didn't ask me to do nothing. Finally I asked him why not,

and he says, I'm saving you to work against a good club, the athletics. Well, the athletics come, and I guess you know by this time what I'd done to them, and I had to work against Bender at that, but I ain't afraid of none of them now, Al. Baker didn't hit one hard all afternoon, and I didn't have no trouble with Collins, neither.

I let them down with, five blows, although the papers give them seven. Them reporters here don't know more about scoring than some old woman. They give Barry a hit on a fly ball that Bodie ought to eat up, only he stumbled or something, and they handed oldering a two-base hit on a ball that Weaver had to duck to get out of the way from. But I don't care nothing about reporters. I beat them athletics and beat them good, five to one.

Gleason slapped me on the back after the game and says, Well, you learn something after all. Rub some arnicky on your head to keep the swelling down, and you may be a real pitcher yet. I says, I ain't got no swell head. He says, No, if I hated myself like you do, I would be a moving picture actor.

Well, I asked Callahan would he let me pitch up in Detroit, and he says, sure. He says, do you want to get revenge on them? I says, yes, I did. He says, Well, you certainly got some coming. He says, I never see the man get horse treatment than the tigers give you last spring.

I says, well, they won't do it this time because I will know how to pitch to them. He says, how are you going to pitch to Cobb? I says, I am going to feed him my slow one. He says, well, Cobb ought to make a good meal off of that. Then we quit joking and he says, You have improved a whole lot, and I am going to work here right along regular, and if you can stand the gaff, I may be able to use you in the City Series.

You know, Al, the White Sox plays a City Series every fall with the Cubs, and the players makes quite a lot of money. The winner gets about $800 a piece, and the losers about $500. We will be the winners, if I have anything to say about it. I am tickled to death at the chance of working in Detroit, and can't hardly wait till we get there. Watch my smoke, Al. Your pal, Jack.

P.S. I am going over to Allen's flat to play cards a while tonight. Alan is the left-hander that was on the training trip with us. He ain't got a thing, Al, and I don't see how he gets by. He is married, and his wife's sister is visiting them. She wants to meet me, but it won't do her much good. I seen her out to the game today, and she ain't much for looks. Detroit, Michigan, September 6.

Friend Al. I got a whole lot to write, but I ain't got much time because we're going over to Cleveland on the boat at 10 p.m. I made them tigers like it, Al, just like I said I would. And what do you think, Al? Violet called me up after the game and wanted to see me, but I will tell you about the game first. They got one hit off me, and Cobb made it a scratch single that he beat out. If he hadn't have been so damn fast, I would have had a no-hit game. At that, Weaver could have threw him out if he had started after the ball in time.

Crawford didn't get nothing like a hit, and I whiffed him once. I give two walks, both of them to Bush, but he is such a little guy that you can't pitch to him. When I was warming up before the game, Callahan was standing beside me, and pretty soon Jennings comes over. Jennings says You ain't gonna pitch that bird, are you? And Callahan said yes he was. Then Jennings says, I wish you wouldn't,

because my boys is all tired out and can't run the bases. Callahan says, They won't get no chance today. No, says Jennings. I suppose not. I suppose he will walk them all and they won't have to run.

Callahan says, He won't give them no basis. on balls, he says. But you better tell your gang that he is liable to bean them, and they better stay away from the plate. Jennings says, He won't never hurt my boys

by beaning them. Then I cut in, nor you neither, I says. Callahan laughs at that, so I guess I must have pulled a pretty good one. Jennings didn't have no comeback, so he walks away.

Then Cobb come over and asked if I was going to work. Callahan told him yes. Cobb says, How many innings? Callahan says, all the way. Then Cobb says, Be a good fellow, Cal and take him out early.

I am lame and can't run. I butts in then and said, Don't worry, Cobb. You won't have to run, because we have got a catcher who can hold them third strikes. Callahan laughed again and says to me, You sure, did learn something off on that coast. Well, I walked Bush right off the reel, and they all begun to holler on the Detroit bench.

There he goes again. Vitt come up, and Jenning yells, Leave your bat in the bag, Oscar. He can't get him over. But I got them over for that bird okay, and he pops out trying to bunt. And then I whiffed Crawford. He starts off with a foul that had me scared for a minute, because it was pretty close to the foul line, and it went clear out of the park. But he missed a spitter a foot, and then I surprised him, Al.

I give him a slow ball, and I honestly had to laugh to see him lunch for it. Bet he must have strained himself. He throwed his bat away like he was mad, and I guess he was. Cobb come prancing up like he always does, and yells, Give me that slow one, boy! So I says, all right, but I fooled him. Instead of giving him a slow one, like I said I was. going through, I handed him a spitter. He hit it all right, but it was a line drive right in

chase his hands. He says, Pretty lucky, boy, but I will get you next time. I come right back at him. I says, yes, you will. Well, Al, I had them going like that all through. About the sixth inning, Callahan yells from the bench to Jennings. What do you think of him now? And Jennings didn't say nothing. What could he have said? said. Cobb makes their one hit in the eighth. He never would have made it if Shaw had had let me throw him spitters instead of fast ones. At that, Weaver ought to have throw him out. Anyway, they didn't score and we made a monkey out of the beouk, or whatever his name is. Well, Al, I got back to the hotel and snuck down the streetaways and had a

couple of beers before supper. So I come to the supper table late, and Walsh tells me there had been several phone calls for me. I go down to the desk, and they tell me to call up a certain number. So I called up, and they charged me a nickel for it. A girl's voice answers the phone, and I says, was they someone there that wanted to talk to Jack Keefe?

She says, You bet they is. She says, Don't you know me, Jack? This is violent. Well, you could have knocked me down with a piece of bread, I says, what do you want? She says, why, I want to see you.

I says, well, you can't see me. She says, why, what's the matter, Jack? What if I did that you should be sore at me? I says, I guess you know all right. You called me a busher. She says, why, I didn't do nothing of the kind. I says, yes, you did. that postcard? She says,

I didn't write you no postcard. Then we argued along for a while, and she swore up and down that she didn't write me no postcard or call me no busher. I says, well, then why didn't you write me a letter when I was in Frisco? She says she had lost my address. Well, Al, I don't know if she was telling me the truth or not, but maybe she didn't write that postcard after all. She was crying over the telephone, so I says, well, it is too late for I and you to get together because I am engaged to be married. Then she screamed, and I hang up the receiver. She must have called back two or three times because they was calling my name around the hotel, but I wouldn't go near the phone.

You know me, Al. Well, when I hang up and went back to finish my supper, the dining room was locked, so I had to go out and buy myself a sandwich. They soaked me 15 cents for a sandwich, and a cup of coffee, so with a nickel for the phone, I am out 20 cents altogether for nothing. But then I would have had to tip the waiter in the hotel a dime. Well, Al, I must close and catch the boat. I expect the letter from Hazel and Cleveland, and maybe Violet will write to me too. She is stuck on me all right, Al. I can see that. I don't believe she could have wrote that postcard after all.

Yours truly, Jack. Boston, Massachusetts, September 12. Old pal. Well, Al, I got a letter from Hazel in Cleveland, and she is coming to shy in October for the city series. She asked me to send her $100 for her fare, and to buy some clothes with. I sent her $30 for the fair

and told her she could wait till she got to shy to buy her clothes. She said she would give me the money back as soon as she's seen me, but she is a little short now because one of her girlfriends borrowed 50 off of her. her. I guess she must be pretty soft-hearted, Al. I hoped you and Bertha can come up for the wedding, because I would like to have you stand up with me. I also got a letter from Violet, and there was blots all over it like she had been crying. She swore she did not write that postcard, and said she would die if I didn't believe her. She wants to know who the lucky girl is,

who I am engaged to be married to. I believe her, Al, when she says she did not write that postcard, but it is too late now. I will let you know the date of my wedding as soon as I find out. I guess you've seen what I done in Cleveland in here. Alan was going awful bad in Cleveland, and I relieved them in the 8th when we had a lead of two runs. I put them out in 1-2-3 order in the 8th, but had hard work in the 9th due to rotten support. I walked Johnston and Chapman, and Turner sacrificed them ahead. Jackson come up then, and I had a lot. Jackson come up then, and I had two strikes on him. I could have whiffed him, but Shawk makes me give him a fast one when I wanted to give him a slow one. He hit it to Berger, and Johnston ought to have been

threw out at the plate, but Berger fumbles and then has to make the play at first base. He got Johnson all okay, but they was only one run behind then, and Chapman was on third base. La Jouet was up next, and Callahan sends out word for me to walk him. I thought that was rotten managing, because La Jouet or no one else, can hit me when I want to cut loose. So, after I give him two bad balls, I tried to slip over a strike on him, but the lucky stiff hit it on a line to Weaver. Anyway, the game was over, and I felt pretty good.

But Callahan don't appreciate good work, Al. He gave me a call in the clubhouse and said if I ever disobeyed his orders again, he would suspend me with no pay, and lick me too. Honest, Al, it was all I could do to keep from wrapping his jaw, but Gleason winks at me not to do nothing. I worked the second game here and give them three hits, two of which was bunts that Lord ought to have beat up. I got better support in Frisco than I've been getting here, Al.

But I don't care. The Boston Bunch couldn't have hit me with a shovel, and we beat them two to nothing. I worked against Wood at that. They call him Smokey Joe, and they say he has got a lot of speed. Boston is some town, Al, and I wish you and Bertha could come here sometime.

I went down to the wharf this morning and seen the monmole of fish. They must have been a million of them, but I didn't have time to count them. Every one of them was five or six times as big as Bluegill. Violet asked me what would be my address in New York City, so I am dropping her a postcard to let her know, although I don't know what good it will do her. I certainly won't start no correspondence with her now that I am engaged to be married. Yours truly, Jack.

New York, New York, September 16. Friend Al. I opened the series here and beat them easy, but I know you must have saw about it in the shy papers. At that they don't give me no fair show in the shy papers. One of the boys bought me one here, and I seen it where I was lucky to win that game in Cleveland. If I'd known which one of them reporters wrote that,

I would punch his jaw. Al, I told you Boston was some town, but this is the real one. I never seen nothing like it, and I've been going some since we got here. I walked down Broadway, the main street, last night, and I run into a couple of the ballplayers, and they took me to what they called the garden, but it ain't like the gardens at home, because this one is indoors.

We sat down to a table and had several drinks. Pretty soon one of the boys asked me if I was broke, and I says, no, why? He says, you better get some lubricating oil and loosen up. I don't know what he meant, but pretty soon, when we had a lot of drinks, the waiter brings a check and hands it to me. It was for $1. I says, oh, I ain't paying for all of them. The waiter says, this is just for that last drink.

I thought the other boys would make a holler, but they didn't say nothing. So I give him a dollar bill, and even then he didn't act satisfied. So I asked him what he was waiting for. And he said, oh, nothing. kind of sassy. I was going to bust him, but the boys give me the sign to shut up and not to say nothing.

I excused myself pretty soon because I wanted to get some air. I give my check for my hat to a boy, and he brought my hat, and I started going, and he says, Haven't you forgot something? I guess he must have thought

I was wearing an overcoat. Then I went down the main street again, and some man stopped me and asked me did I want to go to the show. He said he had a ticket. I asked him what show, and he said the follies. I never heard of it, but I told him I would go if he had a ticket to spare. He says, I'll spare you this one for three dollars.

I says, you must take me for some boob. He says, nah, I wouldn't insult no boob. So I walks on, but if he had insulted me, I would have busted him. I went back to the hotel then and run into Kid Gleason. He asked me to take a walk with him, so I go out again. We went to the corner, and he bought me a beer. He don't drink nothing but pop himself. The two drinks was only 10 cents, so I says, this is the place for me.

He says, I see I will have to take charge of you. Don't go around with them ballplayers no more. When you want to go out and see the sights, come to me. And I will steer you. So tonight he is going to steer me. I will write to you from Philadelphia. Your pal, Jack.

Philadelphia, PA, September 19. Friend Al. They won't be no game here today because it is raining. We'd all been loafing around the hotel all day, and I am glad of it, because I got all tired out over in New York City. I and Kid Gleason went round together the last couple of nights over there, and he wouldn't let me spend no money. I seen a lot of girls that I would have liked to have got acquainted with,

but he wouldn't even let me answer them when they spoke to me. We run into a couple of peaches last night, and they had spotted us too. One of them says, I'll bet you're a couple of ball players. But kid says, You'll lose your bet. I am a bellhop, and the big group with me is nothing but a pitcher. One of them says,

What are you trying to do, kid somebody? He says, Go home and get some soap and remove you the skies from your face. I didn't think he ought to talk like that to them, and I called him about it and said maybe they was lonesome, and it wouldn't hurt none if we treated them to a soda or something. But he says, Lonesome?

If I don't get you away from here, they will steal everything you got. They won't even leave you your fastball. So we left them, and he took me to a picture show. It was some California picture. and they made me think of Hazel, so when I got back to the hotel, I sent her three postcards.

Gleason made me go to my room at 10 o'clock both nights, but I was pretty tired anyway because he had walked me all over town. I guess we must have saw 20 shows. He says, I would take you to the grand opera, only it would be throwing money away because we can hear Ed Walsh for nothing.

Walsh has got some voice, Al, and a loud high tenor. Tomorrow is Sunday, and we have a double-header Monday on account of the rain today. I thought, sure, I would get another chance to beat the athletics, and I asked Callahan if he was going to pitch me here, but he said he thought he would save me to work against Johnson in Washington. So you see, Al, he must figure I am about the best he has got. I'll beat him, Al, if they get a couple of runs behind me.

Yours truly, Jack. P.S. They was a letter here for, from Violet, and it pretty near made me feel like crying. I wish they was two of me, so both them girls could be happy. Washington, D.C., September 22. Dear Old Al. Well, Al, here I am in the capital of the old United States.

We got in last night, and I've been walking around town all morning. But I didn't tire myself out, because I am going to pitch against Johnson this afternoon. This is the prettiest town I ever seen, but I believe they is more colored people here than they is in Evansville or shy. I seen the White House and the monument. They say that Bill Sullivan and Gabby Street once catch the baseball that was threw off the top of the monument, but I bet they couldn't catch it if I throwed it. I was into breakfast this morning with Gleason and Bodie and Weaver and Fornier. Gleason says,

I'm surprised that you ain't sick in bed today. I says, why? He says, Most of our pitchers get sick when Cal tells them they are going to work against Johnson. He says, Here's these other fellas, all feeling pretty sick this morning, and they ain't even pitches. All they have to do is hit against them,

but it looks as if Cal would have to send substitutes in for them. Bodie is complaining of a sore arm, which he must have strained drawing two card flushes. Fournier and Weaver have strained their legs doing the tailors. bingo dance. Nothing could cure them except to hear that Big Walter had got thrown out of his machine and wouldn't be able to pitch against us in this serious. I says, I feel okay, and I ain't afraid to pitch against Johnson, and I ain't afraid to hit against him neither. Then Weaver says, Have you ever seen him work? Yes, I says. I seen him in shy. Then Weaver says,

Well, if you have saw him work and ain't afraid to hit against him, I'll bet you would go down to Wall Street and holler hooray for Roosevelt. I says, no, I wouldn't do that, but I ain't afraid of no pitcher. And what is more? If you get me a couple of runs, I'll beat him. Then Fornier says, Oh, we will get you a couple of runs, all right. He says, That's just as easy as catching whales with an angle worm.

Well, Al, I must close and go in and get some lunch. My arm feels great, and they will have to go some to beat me Johnson or no Johnson. Your pal, Jack Washington, D.C., September 22. Friend Al. Well, I guess you know by this time that they didn't get no two runs for me, only one, but I beat him just the same. I beat him one to nothing, and Callahan was so pleased that he gets him. me a ticket to the theater. I just got back from there, and it is pretty late, and I already

have wrote you one letter today, but I'm going to sit up and tell you about it. It was cloudy before the game started, and when I was warming up, I made the remark to Callahan that the dark day ought to make my speed good. He says, yes, and of course it will handicap Johnson. While Washington was taking their practice, their two coaches, Schaefer and Ultrak, got out on the infield and cut up, and I pretty near busted laughing at them. They certainly is funny, Al. Callahan asked me what I was laughing at, and I told him, and he says, That's the first time I ever seen a pitcher laugh when he was going to work against Johnson.

He says, Griffith is a pretty good fellow to give us something to laugh at before he shoots that guy at us. I warmed up good and told Shaw, not to ask me for my spitter much, because my fast one looked faster than I ever seen it. He says, It won't make much difference what you pitch today. I says, Oh, yes, it will,

because Callahan thinks enough of me to work against Johnson, and I want to show him he didn't make no mistake. Then Gleason says, No, he didn't make no mistake. Wasting Seacot or Scotty would have been a mistake in this game. Well, Johnson whiffs Weaver and Chase and makes Lord pop out the first inning. I walked their first guy, but I didn't give Milan nothing to bunt, and finally he flied out.

And then I whiffed the next two. On the bench, Callahan says, That's the way, boy, keep it up, and we've got a chance. Johnson had fanned four of us when I come up with two out in the third inning, and he whiffed me, too. I fouled one, though, that if I had ever got a good hold of, I would have knocked out of the park. In the first seven innings, we didn't have a hit off him. They had got five or six lucky ones off of me, and I had walked two or three, but I cut loose with all I had when they was men on, and they couldn't do nothing with me.

The only reason I walked so many was because my fast one was jumping so. Honest Al, it was so fast that Evans the Empire couldn't see it half the time, and he called a lot of balls that was right over the heart. While I come up in the eighth with two out, and the score still nothing and nothing. I had whiffed the second time as well as the first, but it was a count of Evans missing one on me. The eighth started with shanks muffing a fly ball off a bodey. It was way out by the fence, so he got two bases on it, and he went to third while they was throwing burger out. Then Shawk whiffed.

Callahan says, Go up and try and meet one, Jack. It might as well be you as anyone else. But your old pal didn't whiff this time, Al. he gets two strikes on me with fast ones and then I passed up two bad ones I took my healthy at the next one and slapped it over first base

I guess I could have made two bases on it but I didn't want to tire myself out anyway Bodie scored and I had them beat and my hit was the only one we got off of him so I guess he is a pretty good pitcher after all Al they filled up the bases on me with one out in the ninth

but it was pretty dark then and I made McBride and their catcher look like suckers with my speed. I felt so good after the game that I'd drunk one of them pink cocktails. I don't know what their name is. And then I sent a postcard to pour little violet. I don't care nothing about her, but it don't hurt none to try and cheer her up once in a while. We leave here Thursday night for home,

and they had ought to be two or three letters there for me from Hazel because I haven't heard from her lately. She must have lost my road addresses. Your pal, Jack. P.S. I forgot to tell you what Callahan said after the game. He said, I was a real pitcher now, and he is going to use me in the city serious. If he does, Al, we will beat them Cubs, sure. Chicago, Illinois, September 27.

Friend Al. They wasn't no letter here at all from Hazel, and I guess she must have been sick. or maybe she didn't think it was worthwhile writing as long as she was coming next week. I want to ask you to do me a favor, Al, and that is to see if you can find me a house down there. I will want to move in with Mrs. Keith. Don't that sound funny, Al? Sometime in the next week of October 12th. Old Man Cutting's house or that yellow house across from you would be okay. I would rather have the yellow one so as to be near you.

find out how much rent they want, Al, and if it is not so more than $12 a month, get it for me. We will buy our furniture here and shy when Hazel comes. We have a couple of days off now, Al, and then we play St. Louis two games here. Then Detroit comes to finish the season the 3rd and 4th of October. Your pal, Jack Chicago, Illinois, October 3. Dear Old Al. Thanks, Al.

for getting the house. The one-year lease is okay. You and Bertha and me and Hazel can have all sorts of good times together. I guess the walk needs repairs, but I can fix that up when I come. We can stay at the hotel when we first get there. I wish you could have come up for the city, Sirius, Al, but anyway, I want you and Bertha to be sure and come up for our wedding. I will let you know the date as soon as Hazel gets here. The series starts Tuesday, and this town is wild over. The Cubs finished second in their league, and we was fifth in ours, but that don't scare me none. We would have finished right on top if I had been here all season. Callahan pitched one of the Bushers against Detroit this afternoon, and they beat him bad.

Callahan is saving up Scott and Allen and Russell and Seacott and I for the big show. Walsh isn't in no shape, and neither is Ben's. It looks like I would have a good deal to do, because most of the things. the mothers can't work no more than once in four days, and Alan ain't no good at all. We have a day to rest after tomorrow's game with the Tigers, and then we go at them Cubs. Your pal, Jack. P.S. I have got it figured that Hazel is fixing to surprise me by dropping in on me, because I haven't heard nothing yet.

Chicago, Illinois, October 7. Friend Al. Well, Al, you know by this time that they beat me today, tied up to Sirius. But I have still got plenty of time, Al, and I will get them before it is over. My arm wasn't feeling good, Al, and my fastball didn't hop like it had ought to.

But it was the rotten support I got that beat me. That lucky stiff Zimmerman was the only guy that got a real hit off of me, and he must have shut his eyes and throwed his bat because the ball he hit was a foot over his head. And if they hadn't been making all them errors behind me, they wouldn't have been nobody on bases when Zimmerman got that lucky seat.

scratch. The serious now stands one and one, Al, and it is a cinch we will beat them, even if they are a bunch of lucky stiffs. They have been great big crowds at both games, and it looks like as if we should ought to get over $800 a piece if we win, and we will win, sure, because I will beat them three straight if necessary. But Al, I have got bigger news than that for you, and I am the happiest man in the world. I told you I had not heard from Hazel for a long time. Tonight, when I got back to my room, there was a letter waiting for me from her. Al, she is married. Maybe you don't know why that makes me happy, but I will tell you. She is married to Kid Levy the middleweight. I guess my $30 is gone because in her letter she called me a cheapskate and she enclosed one one cent

stamp and two-toos and said she was paying me for the glass of beer I once bought her. I bought her more than that, Al, but I won't make no holler. She also said, not for me, to never come near her, or her husband would bust my jaw. I ain't afraid of him or no one else, Al, but they ain't no danger of me ever bothering them. She was no good, and I was sorry the minute I agreed to marry her. But I was going to tell you why I am happy, or maybe you can guess. Now I can make Violet my wife, and she's got Hazel beat 40 ways. She ain't nowhere's near as big as Hazel, but she's classier, Al, and she will make me a good wife.

She ain't never asked me for no money. I wrote her a letter the minute I got the good news and told her to come on over here at once at my expense. We will be married right after the Sirius is over, and I want you and Bertha to be sure and stand up with us. I will wire you at my own expense the exact date. It all seems like a dream now about Violet and I having our misunderstanding, Al, and I don't see how I ever could have accused her of sending me that postcard. You and Bertha will be just as crazy about her as I am when you see her, Al. Just think, Al, I will be married inside of a week,

and to the only girl I ever could have been happy with, instead of the woman I never really cared for except as a passing fancy. My happiness would be complete, Al, if I had not have let that woman steal $30 off me. Your happy pal, Jack. P.S. Hazel probably would have insisted on us taking a trip to Niagara Falls or somewhere, but I know Violet will be perfectly satisfied if I take her right down to Bedford. Oh, you little yellow house. Chicago, Illinois, October 9.

Friend Al. Well, Al, we have got them beat three games to one now, and will wind up to serious tomorrow, sure. Callahan sent me in to save poor Allen yesterday, and I stopped them dead. But I don't care now, Al. I have lost all interest in the game, and I don't care if Callahan pitches me tomorrow or not.

My heart is just about broke, Al, and I wouldn't be able to do myself justice feeling the way I do. I have lost Violet, Al, and just when I was figuring on being the happiest man in the world. We will get the big money, but it won't do me no good. They can keep my share, because I won't have no little girl to spend it on. Her answer to my letter was waiting for me at home tonight. She is engaged to be married to Joe Hill, the big left-hander Jennings got from Providence. Honest Al, I don't see how he gets by.

He ain't got no more curveball than a rabbit, and his fast-werewold. floats up there like a big balloon. He beat us the last game of the regular season here, but it was because Callahan had a lot of bushes in the game. I wish I had knew then that he was stealing my girl, and I would have made Callahan pitch me against him. And when he come up to bat, I would have beened him. But I don't suppose you could hurt him by hitting him in the head, the big stiff. Their wedding ain't going to come off till next summer, and by that time he will be pitching in the Southwestern Texas League for about $50 a month. Violet wrote that she wished me all the luck and happiness in the world,

but it was too late for me to be happy, Al, and I don't care what kind of luck I have now. Al, you will have to get rid of that lease for me. Fix it up the best way you can. Tell the old man I have changed my plans. I don't know just yet what I will do, but maybe I will go to Australia with Mike Donnellan's team. If I do, I won't care if the boat goes down or not. I don't believe I will even come back to bed for this winter. It would drive me wild to go past that little house every day

and think how happy I might have been. Maybe I will pitch tomorrow, Al. And if I do, the serious will be over tomorrow night. I can beat them cubs if I get any kind of decent support. But I don't care now, Al. Yours truly Jack. Chicago, Illinois, October 12th. Al. Your letter received,

If the old man won't call it off, I guess I will have to try and rent the house to someone else. Do you know of any couple that wants one, Al? It looks like I would have to come down there myself and fix things up some way. He is just mean enough to stick me with the house on my hands when I won't have no use for it. They beat us the day before yesterday, as you probably know,

and it rained yesterday and today. The paper says it will be all okay tomorrow, and Callahan tells me I am going to work. The Cub Pitchers was all shot to pieces, and the bad weather is just nuts for them, because it will give Cheney a good rest. But I will beat him, Al, if they don't kick it away behind me. I must close because I promised Alan, the little left-hander,

that I would come over to his flat and play cards a while tonight, and I must wash up and change my collar. Alan's wife's sister is visiting them again, and I would give anything not to have to go over there. I am through with girls and don't want nothing to do with them. I guess it is maybe a good thing at rain today because I dreamt about Violet last night and went out and got a couple of highballs before breakfast this morning. I had never drank nothing before breakfast before, and it made me kind of sick. But I am all okay now.

Your pal, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, October 13. Dear old Al, The serious is all over, Al. We are the champions, and I've done it. I may be home the day after tomorrow, or I may not come for a couple of days. I want to see Comisky before I leave

and fix up about my contract for next year. I won't sign for no less than 5,000, and if he hands me a contract for less than that, I will leave the White Sox flat on their back. I have got over $1,400 now, Al, with the city serious money, which was $814.30, and I don't have to worry. Them reporters will have to give me a square deal this time, Al. I had everything, and the Cubs done well to score a run. I whiffed Zimmerman three times.

Some of the boys say he ain't no hitter, but he is a hitter, and a good one, Al, only he could not touch the stuff I got. The Ups give them their run, because in the fours, fourth inning, I had Leach flat-footed off of second base, and Weaver tagged them okay, but the umps wouldn't call it. Then Schulte, the lucky stiff, happened to get a hold of one, and pulled it past first base. I guess Chase must have been asleep. Anyway, they scored, but I don't care because we piled up six runs on Cheney, and I drove in one of them myself with one of the prettiest singles you ever see. It was a spitter, and I hit it like a shot. If I had hit it Square it would have went out of the park.

Kamiski ought to feel pretty good about me winning, and I guess he will give me a contract for anything I want. He will have to, or I will go to the Federal League. We are all invited to a show tonight, and I am going with Alan and his wife and her sister Florence. She is okay, Al, and I guess she thinks the same about me. She must, because she was out to the game today, and seen me hand it to them.

She maybe ain't as pretty as Violet and Hazel, but as they say, beauty isn't only so deep. Well, Al, tell the boys I will be with them soon. I have gave up the idea of going to Australia because I would have to buy a evening full dress suit, and they tell me they cost pretty near $50. Yours truly, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, October 14,

Dear Friend Al, Never mind about that lease. I want the house after all, Al, and I have got the surprise of your life for you. When I come home to Bedford, I will bring my wife with me. I and Florence fix things all up after the show last night, and we are going to be married tomorrow morning. I am a busy man today, Al, because I have got to get the license and look round for furniture. And I have also got to buy some new clothes,

but they are having a sale on Cottage Grove Avenue at Clark's store, and I know one of the clerks there. I am the happiest man in the world, Al. You and Bertha and I and Florence will have all kinds of good times together this winter because I know Bertha and Florence will like each other. Florence looks something like Bertha at that. I am glad I didn't get tied up with Violet or Hazel,

even if they was a little bit prettier than Florence. Florence knows a lot about baseball for a girl, and you would be surprised to hear her talk. She says I am the best pitcher in the league, and she has saw them all. She also says, I am the best looking ball player she ever seen. But you know how girls will kid a guy, Al. You will like her okay. I fell for her the first time I seen her.

Your old pal, Jack. P.S. I signed for next year. Kamiski slapped me on the back when I went in to see him and told me I would be a star next year if I took good care of myself. I guess I am a star without waiting for next year, Al. My contract calls for 2,800 a year, which is a thousand more than I was getting, and it is pretty near a cinch that I will be in on the world's serious money next season.

P.S. I certainly am relieved about that lease. It would have been fierce to have had that place on my hands all winter and not getting any use out of it. Everything is all okay now. Oh, you little yellow house. End of Chapter 2 Chapter 3 of You Know Me, Al. This is a Libravox recording.

All Libravox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Libravox.org. Recording by Rick Rodstrom. You Know Me, Al, by Ring Lardner, Chapter 3, The Bushers Honeymoon. Chicago, Illinois, October 17. friend al well al it looks as if i would not be writing so much to you now that i am a married man yes al i and florrie was married the day before yesterday just like i told you we was going to be and al i am the happiest man in the world though i have spent thirty dollars in the last three days inclusive you was wise al to get married in bedford where not nothing is nearly half so dear my expenses was as follows license two dollars priest three fifty Hair cut and shave, 35 cents. Shine, five cents. Car fare, 45 cents. New suit, 1450. Show tickets, $3. Flowers,

50 cents. Candy, 30 cents. Hotel, $450. Tobacco, both kinds. 25 cents. You see, Al, it costs a whole lot of money to get married here. The sum of what I have wrote down is $29.40, but as I told you, I have spent $30, and I do not know what I have did with that other 60 cents. My new brother-in-law, Alan, told me I should ought to have given the priest $5, and I thought it should be about $2, the same as the license, so I split the difference and give him $3.50. I never seen him before and probably won't never see him again, so why should I give him anything at all when it is his business to marry couples?

But I like to do the right thing. You know me, Al. I thought we would be in Bedford by this time, but Flory wants to stay here a few more days because she wants to be with her sister. Alan and his wife is thinking about taking a flat for the winter instead of going down to Waco, Texas, where they live. I don't see no sense in that when it costs so much to live here, but it is none of my business if they want to throw their money away.

But I am glad I got a wife with some sense, though she kicked because I did not get no room with the bath, which would have cost me $2 a day instead of $1.50. I says I guess the clubhouse is still open yet And if I want to bat, I can go over there and take the shower She says, yes, and I suppose I can go and jump in the lake But she would not do that, Al, because the lake here is cold at this time of the year When I told you about my expenses, I did not include in it the meals

Because we would be eating them if I was getting married or not getting married Only I have to pay for six meals a day now instead of three and I didn't used to eat no lunch in the playing season, except once in a while when I know that I was not going to work that afternoon. I had a meal ticket, which had not quite ran out, over to a restaurant on Indiana Avenue, and we ate there for the first day, except at night when I took Alan and his wife to the show with us, and then he took us to a chop suey restaurant.

I guess you have never had no chop suey, Al, and I am here to tell you you have not missed nothing. But when Alan was going to buy the supper, what could I say? I could not say nothing. Well, yesterday and today we'd been eating at a restaurant on Cottage Grove Avenue near the hotel and at a restaurant on Indiana that I had the meal ticket at, only I do not like to buy no new meal ticket when I am not going to be around here no more than a few days. Well, Al, I guess the meals has cost me altogether about a dollar 50,

and I have eaten very little myself. Flory always wants dessert, ice cream or something, and that runs up into money faster than regular stuff like steak and ham and eggs. Well, Al, Flory says it is time for me to keep my promise and take her to the moving pictures, which is 20 cents more because the one she likes around here costs a dime apiece. So I must close for this time, and we'll see you soon. Your pal, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, October 22.

Al. Just a note to tell you why I have not yet come to Bedford yet, or I expected I would be long before this time. Alan and his wife have took a furnished flat for the winter, and Alan's wife wants Flory to stay here until they get settled. Meantime, it is costing me a whole lot of money at the hotel and for meals, besides I am paying $10 a month rent for the house you got for me, and what good am I getting out of it?

But Florey wants to help her sister, and what can I say? Though I did make her promise she would not stay no longer the next Saturday, at least. So I guess, Al, we will be home on the evening train Saturday, and then maybe I can save some money. I know Al that you and Bertha will like Flory when you get acquainted with her, especially Bertha, though Flory dresses pretty swell and spends a whole lot of time fussing with her face and her hair. She says to me tonight,

Who are you rotten to? And I told her Al Blanche, and who I have told you about a good many times. She says, I bet you are rotten to some girl, and acted like as though she was kind of jealous. So I thought I would tease her a little and says, I don't know no girls except you and vice. Violet and Hazel?

Who is Violet and Hazel? She says. I kind of laughed and says, Oh, I guess I better not tell you. And then she says, I guess you will tell me. That made me kind of mad because no girl can't tell me what to do. She says, Are you going to tell me?

And I says, no. Then she says, If you don't tell me, I will go over to Marie's. That is her sister, Alan's wife. And stay all night. I says, go on. And she went downstairs, but I guess she probably went to get a soda

because she has some money of her own that I give her. This was about two hours ago, and she is probably down in the hotel lobby now, trying to scare me by making me believe she has went to her sisters. But she can't fool me, Al, and I am going out to mail this letter and get a beer. I won't never tell her about Violet and Hazel if she is going to act like that.

Yours truly, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, October 24. Friend, Al. I guess I told you, Al, that we would be home Saturday evening. I have changed my mind. Alan and his wife has a spare bedroom and wants us to come there and stay a week or two. It won't cost nothing, except they will probably want to go out to the moving pictures nights,

and we'll probably have to go along with them, and I am a man, Al, that wants to pay his share and not be cheap. I and Florey had our first quarrel the other night. I guess I told you the start of it, but I don't remember. I made some crack about Violet and Hazel, just to tease Flory, and she wanted to know who they was, and I would not tell her. So she gets sore and goes over to Marys to stay all night. I was just kidding, Al, and was willing to tell her about them two poor girls,

whatever she wanted to know, except that I don't like to brag about girls being stuck on me. So I goes over to Marys after her and tell her all about them, except that I turned them down cold at the last minute to marry her because I did not want her to get all swelled up. She made me swear that I did not never care nothing about them, and that was easy because it was the truth. So she'd come back to the hotel with me, just like I knowed she would when I ordered her to.

They must not be no mistake about who is the boss in my house. Some men let their wife run all over them, but I am not that kind. You know me, Al. I must get busy and pack my suitcase if I am going to move over to Allen's. I sent three collars and a shirt to the laundry this morning, so even if we go over there tonight, I will have to take another trip back this way in a day or two. I won't mind, Al, because they sell my kind of beer down to the corner,

and I never seen it sold nowhere else in shy. You know the kind it is, eh, Al? I wish I was lifting a few with you tonight. Your pal, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, October 28. Dear Old Al. Flory and Marie has went downtown shopping because Flory thinks she has got to have a new dress,

though she has got two changes of clothes now, and I don't know what she can do with another one. I hope she don't find none to suit her, though it would not hurt her none if she got something for next spring in a reduction. I guess she must think I am Charles A. Kimisky or somebody. Alan has went to a college football game. One of the reporters give him a...

a pass. I don't see nothing in football except a lot of scrapping between little slabs that I could lick the whole bunch of them, so I did not care to go. The reporter is one of the guys that traveled round with our club all summer. He called up and said he had only one pass, but he was not hurting my feelings none, because I would not go to no rotten football game if they paid me. The flat across the hall from this here one is for rent furnished. They want $40 a month for it, and I guess they think they must be lots of suckers running round loose. Marie was talking about it and says, Why don't you and Flory take it,

and then we can be right together all winter long and have some big times. Flory says, It would be all right with me. What about it, Jack? I says, what do you think I am? I don't have to live in no high-price flat when I got a home in Bedford, where they ain't no people trying to hold everybody up all the time. So they did not say no more about it when they seen I was in earnest.

Nobody can tell me where I am going to live, sister-in-law or no sister-in-law. If I was to rent the rotten old flat, I would be paying $50 a month rent, including the house down in Bedford. Fine chance, Al. Well, Al, I am lonesome and thirsty, so more later. Your pal, Jack.

Chicago, Illinois, November 2. friend Al. Well, Al, I got some big news for you. I am not coming to Bedford this winter after all, except to make a visit, which I guess will be around Christmas. I changed my mind about that flat across the hall from the Allens and decided to take it after all. The people who was in it and owns the furniture says they would let us have it till the 1st of May if we would pay $42.50 a month, which is only $2.50 a month more than they would have let us have it for, for a short time. So you see, we got a bargain because it is all furnished in everything and we won't have to blow no money on furniture, besides the club goes to California in the middle of February

so Flory would have no place to stay while I am away. The Allens only subleased their flat from some other people till the second of February, and when I and Allen goes west, Marie can come over and stay with Florey, so you see it is best all around.

If we should have bought in furniture, It would have cost us in the neighborhood of $100, even without no piano, and there is a piano in this house flat, which makes it nice, because Flory plays pretty good with one hand, and we can have lots of good times at home without it costing us nothing except just having the bare living expenses. I consider myself lucky to have found out about this before it was too late, and somebody else had have gotten a tip.

Now, Al, old pal, I want to ask a great favor of you, Al. I already have paid one month rent $10 on a house in Bedford, and I want you to see the old man and see if he won't call off that lease. Why should I be paying $10 a month rent down there and $4,250 up here, when the house down there is not no good to me because I am living up here all winter? See, Al? Tell him I will gladly give him another month rent to call off the lease, but don't tell him that if you don't have to.

I want to be fair with him. If you will do this favor for me, Al, I won't never forget it. Give my kindness to Bertha and tell her, I am sorry, I and Flory won't see her right away, but you see how it is, Al. Yours, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, November 30. Friend Al, I have not wrote for a long time, have I, Al, but I have been very busy. They was not enough furniture in the flat, and we have been buying some more.

They was enough for some people, maybe, but I and Florey is the kind of won't have nothing but the best. The furniture then people had in the living room was oak, but they had a bookcase built in in the flat that was mahogany, and Flory would not stand for no-joke combination like that, so she moved the oak chairs and table into the spare bedroom, and we went downtown to buy some mahogany. But it cost too much, Al, and we was feeling pretty bad about it,

when we seen some Sir Cacheaned walnut that was prettier even than the mahogany, and not near so expensive. It is not no real, sir, cash in walnut, but it is just as good, and we got it reasonable. Then we got some mission chairs for the dining room, because the old ones was just straw and was no good, and we got a big leather couch for $9 that somebody can sleep on if we get too much company. I hope you and Bertha can come up for the holidays and see how comfortable we are fixed. That is all the new furniture we have bought, but Flory set her heart on some old rose drapes and a red table lamp that is the biggest you ever see now,

and I did not have the heart to say no. The whole thing cost me in the neighborhood of $110, which is very little for what we got. And then it will always be armed, even when we move away from this flat, though we will have to leave the furniture that belongs to the other people, but their part of it is not no good anyway. I guess I told you, Al, how much money I had when a season ended.

It was $1,400 all told. including the city serious money. Well, Al, I got in the neighborhood of $800 left because I give $200 to Flory to send down to Texas to her other sister who had a bad egg for a husband that managed the club in the Texas Oklahoma League and this was the money she had to pay to get the divorce. I am glad, Al, that I was lucky enough to marry happy

and get a good girl for my wife that has got some sense and besides if I have got $800 left, I should not worry, as they say. your pal Jack Chicago Illinois December 7 Dear old Al No I was in earnest

Al when I said that I wanted you and Bertha to come up here for the holidays I know I told you that I might come to Bedford for the holidays but that is all off I have gave up the idea of coming to Bedford for the holidays

and I want you to be sure and come up here for the holidays and I will show you a good time I would love to have Bertha come too and she can come if she wants to only Flory don't know if she would have a good time or not and thinks maybe she would rather stay in Bedford and you come alone. But be sure and have birth to come if she wants to come,

but maybe she would not enjoy it. You know best, Al. I don't think the old man give me no square deal on that lease, but if he wants to stick me all right. I am grateful to you, Al, for trying to fix it up, but maybe you could have did better if you would have went at it in a different way. I am not finding no fault with my old pal, though. Don't think that.

When I have a pal, I am the man to stick to him through thick and thin. If the old man is going to hold me to that lease, I guess I will have to stand it, and I guess I won't starve to debt for no $10 a month, because I'm going to get $2,800 next year, besides the city's serious money, and maybe we will get into the world serious, too. I know we will if Callahan will pitch me every third day,

like I wanted him to last season. But if you had approached the old man in a different way, maybe you could have fixed it up. I wish you would try it again, Al, if it is not no trouble. We had Alan and his wife here for Thanksgiving dinner, and the dinner cost me better than $5. I thought we had enough to eat to last a week. But about 6 o'clock at night,

Florian Marie said they was hungry, and we went downtown and had dinner all over again, and I paid for it, and it cost me $5 more. Alan was all ready to pay for it when Flory said, No, this day's treat is on us, so I had to pay for it. But I don't see why she did not wait and let me do the talking. I was going to pay for it anyway. Be sure and come and visit us for the holidays, Al,

and of course if Bertha wants to come, bring her along. We will be glad to see you both. I won't never go back on a friend and pal. know me, Al, your pal, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, December 20, friend Al. I don't see what can be the matter with Bertha because you know, Al, we would not care how she dressed, and would not make no kick if she came up here in a nightgown.

She did not have no license to say we was too swell for her because we did not never think of nothing like that. I wish you would talk to her again, Al, and tell her she need not get sore on me, and that both her and you is, welcome at my house any time I ask you to come. See if you can't make her change your mind, Al, because I feel like as if she must have took offense at something I may have wrote you. I am sorry you and her are not coming, but I suppose you know best. Only we was getting all

ready for you, and Florey said only the other day that she wished the holidays was over, but that was before she'd knowed you was not coming. I hope you can come, Al. Well, Al, I guess there is not no use talking to the old man, more. You have did the best you could, but I wish I could have came down there and talked to him. I will pay his rotten old $10 a month, and the next time I come to Bedford and meet him on the street, I will bust his jaw. I know he is an old man, Al, but I don't like to see nobody get the best of me, and I am sorry I ever asked him to let me off. Some of them old skinflins has no heart, Al, but why should I fight with the old man over chicken feed like $10?

$10. Flory says a star pitcher like I should not ought to never scrap about little things, and I guess she is right, Al, so I will pay the old man his $10 a month if I have to. Florey says she is jealous of me writing to you so much, and she says she would like to meet this great old pal of mine. I would like to have her meet you too, Al, and I would like to have you change your mind and come and visit us, and I am sorry you can't come, Al. Yours truly, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, December 27. Old pal. I guess all these left-handers is alike,

though I thought this Alan had some sense. I thought he was different from the most, and was not no rummy, but they are all alike, gal, and they are all lucky that somebody don't hit them over the head with an axe and killed them, but I guess at that you could not hurt no left-handers by hitting them over the head. Well, he was all down on State Street the day before Christmas,

and the girls was all tired out and ready to go home, but Alan says, No, I guess we better stick down a while because now the crowds is out and it will be fun to watch them. So we all walked up and down State Street about an hour longer and finally we came in front of a big jewelry store window

and in it was a small diamond ring that was marked $100. It was a lady's ring, so Marie says to Alan, Won't you buy that for me? And Alan says, Do you really want it? And she says she did.

So we tells the girls to wait, and we goes over to a saloon where Alan has got a friend and gets a check cashed, and we come back and he bought the ring. Then Flory looks like as though she was getting all ready to cry, and I asked her, what was the matter, and she says I had not bought her no ring, not even when we was engaged. So I and Alan goes back to the saloon, and I gets a check cashed, and we come back and bought another ring. but I did not think the ring Alan had bought and was worth no $100, so I gets one for $75. Now, Al, you know I am not making no kick on spending little money for a present for my own wife, but I had already bought her a wristwatch for $15,

and a wristwatch was just what she had wanted. I was willing to give her the ring if she had not wanted the wristwatch more than the ring, but when I give her the ring, I kept the wristwatch and did not tell her nothing about it. Well, I come downtown alone the day after Christmas, and they would not take the wristwatch back in the store where I got it. So I'm going to give it to her for a New Year's present, and I guess that will make Alan feel like a dirty deuce.

But I guess you cannot hurt no left-handers' feelings at that. They are all alike. But Alan has not got nothing but a dinky curveball and a fastball that looks like my slow one. If Kamisky was not good-hearted, he would have sold them long ago. I sent you and Bertha a cut glass dish, Al, which was the best I could get for the money, and it was pretty high price to that. We was glad to get the pretty pin cushions from you and Bertha,

and Flory says to tell you that we are well supplied with pin cushions now, because the ones you sent makes an even half dozen. Thanks, Al, for remembering us, and thank Bertha too, though I guess you paid for them. Your pal, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, January 3. Old Hal. Al, I've been pretty sick ever since New Year's Eve. We had a table at one of the swell restaurants downtown,

and I never seen so much wine drank in my life. I would rather have had beer, but they would not sell us none, so I found out that they was a certain kind that you can get for $1 a bottle, and is just as good as the kind that has got all them fancy names, but this left-hander starts ordering some other kind about 11 o'clock, and it was $5 a bottle, and the girls' both says, They liked it better. I could not see a whole lot of difference myself,

and I would have gave 20 cents for a big stine of my kind of beer. You know me, Al. Well, Al, you know there is not nobody that can drink more than your old pal, and I was all okay at one o'clock, but I seen the girls was getting kind of sleepy, so I says we better go home. Then Marie says, Oh, shut up, and don't be no quitter.

I says, you better shut yourself, and not be telling me to shut up. And she says, What will you do if I don't shut up? And I says, I would bust her in the jaw. But you know, Al, I would not think of busting no girl. Then Flory says, You better not start nothing because you had too much to drink,

or you would not be talking about busting girls in the jaw. And I says, I don't care if it is a girl I bust or a left-handed. I did not mean nothing at all, Al, but Marie says I had insulted Alan, and he gets up and slaps my face. Well, Al, I am not going to stand dad from nobody, not even if he is my brother-in-law, and a left-hander that has not got enough speed to break a pain of glass. So I give him a good beating,

and the waiters butts in and puts us all out for fighting, and I and Flory comes home in a taxi, and Alan and his wife don't get in until about five o'clock, so I guess she must have had to have took him to a doctor to get fixed up. I've been in bed ever since, till just this morning, kind of sick to my stomach. I guess I must have eaten something that did not agree with me. Alan come over after breakfast this morning and asked me, was I you all right, so I guess he is not sore over the beating I give him,

or else he wants to make friends because he is sore that I am a bad guy to monkey with. Florey tells me a little while ago that she paid the whole bill at the restaurant with my money because Alan was broke, so you see what kind of a cheap skate he is, Al, and someday I'm going to bust his jaw. She won't tell me how much the bill was, and I won't ask her to no more, because we had a good time outside of the fight, and what do I care if we spend a little money?

Yours truly, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, January 20, friend Al. Alan and his wife have gave up the flat across the hall from us and come over to live with us, because we got a spare bedroom, and why should they not have the benefit of it? but it is pretty hard for the girls to have to cook and do the work when they is four of us, so I have a hired girl who does it all for $7 a week.

It is great stuff, Al, because now we can go round as we please, and don't have to wait for no dishes to be washed or nothing. We generally almost always has dinner downtown in the evening, so it is pretty soft for the girl, too. She don't generally have no more than one meal to get, because we generally run round downtown till late, and don't get up till about noon. That sounds funny, don't it, Al?

When I used to get up at five every morning down home? Well, Al, I can tell you something else that may sound funny, and that is that I lost my taste for beer. I don't seem to care for it no more, and I found I can stand almost as many drinks of other stuff as I could have beer. I guess, Al, there is not nobody ever lived, can drink more and stand up better under it than me. I make the girls in Alan quit every night.

I only got just time to write you this short note because Florea Marie is giving a big party tonight, and I and Alan have got to beat it out of the house and stay out of the way till they get things ready. It is Marie's birthday, and she says she is 22, but say, Al, if she is 22, kid Gleason is 30. Well, Al, the girls say we must blow, so I will run out and mail this letter. Yours truly, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, January 31. Al. Alan is going to take Marie with him on the training trip to California, and of course Flory has been at me to take her along. I told her positively that she can't go. I can't afford

no stunt like that, but still I am up against it to know what to do with her while we are on the trip because Marie won't be here to stay with her. I don't like to leave her here all alone, but there is nothing to it, Al. I can't afford to take her along. She says, I don't see why you can't take me if Alan takes Marie? And I says, that stuff is all okay for Alan, because him and Marie has been grafting off of us all winter. And then she gets mad and tells me, I should not ought to say her sister was no grafter. I did not mean nothing like that, Al, but you don't never know when a woman is going to take offense. If our furniture was down in Bedford, everything would be all okay because I could leave her there and I would feel all okay because I would know that

you and Bertha would see that she was getting a long old. but they would not be no sense in sending her down to a house that is not no furniture in it i wish i'd knowed somewheres where she could visit al i would be willing to pay her board even well al enough for this time your old pal jack chicago illinois february four friend al you are a real old pal al and i certainly am grateful to you for the invitation i have not told florrie about it yet but I am sure she will be tickled to death, and it is certainly kind of you, old pal. I did not never dream of nothing like that. I know what you say, Al, about not accepting no board,

but I think it would be better, and I would feel better, if you would take something, say about $2 a week. I know Bertha will like Flory and that they will get along okay together, because Flory can learn her how to make her clothes look good and fix her hair and fix up her face. I feel like as if you had took a big load off of me, Al, and I won't never forget it. If you don't think I should pay no board for Flory, all right, suit yourself about that, old pal. We are leaving here the 20th February, and if you don't mind, I will bring Flory down to you about the 18. I would like to see the old bunch again, and especially you and Bertha.

Yours, Jack. P.S. We will only be away till April 14th, and that is just a nice visit. I wish we did not have no flat on our hands Chicago, Illinois, February 9 Old pal, I want to thank you for asking Flory to come down there and visit you, Al, but I find she can't get away.

I did not know she had no engagements, but she says she may go down to her folks in Texas and she don't want to say that she will come to visit you when it is so indefinite. So thank you just the same, Al, and thank Bertha too. Flory is still at me to take her along to California, but honest now, I can't do it. I am right down to my last $50,

and I have not paid no rent for this month. I owe the hired girl two-week salary, and both I and Flory need some new clothes. Floreas just came in since I started writing this letter, and we have been talking some more about California, and she says maybe if I would ask Kamiski, he would take her along as the club's guest. I had not never thought of that, Al, and maybe he would, because he is a pretty good scout,

and I guess I will go and see him about it. The league has its schedule meeting here tomorrow, and maybe I can see him down to the hotel where they meet at. I am so worried, Al, that I can't write no more, but I will tell you how I come out with Kamiski. Your pal, Jack Chicago, Illinois, February 11. Friend Al. I am up against it right, Al, and I don't know. where I am going to head in at. I went down to the hotel where the league was holding its schedule

meeting at, and I seen Comisky and got some money off of the club, but I owe all the money I got off of them, and I am still wondering what to do about Flory. Comiskey was busy in the meeting when I went down there, and they was not no chance to see him for a while, so I and Alan and some of the boys hung round and had a few drinks and fanned. This here Joe Hill, the busher, that Detroit has got, that Violet is hooked up to was around the hotel. I don't know what for, but I felt like busting his jaw. Only the boys told me I had better not do nothing because I might kill him, and anyway, he probably won't be in the league much longer.

Well, finally, Kamiski got through the meeting, and I seen him, and he says, Hello, young man, what can I do for you? And I says, I would like to get $100 advance money. He says, have you been done? taking care of yourself down in Bedford? And I told him I had been living here all winter, and it did not seem to make no hit with him, though I don't see what business it is of his in where I live.

So I says I had been taking good care of myself, and I have, Al, you know that. So he says I should come to the ballpark the next day, which is today, and he would have the secretary take care of me, but I says I could not wait, and so he gave me $100 out of his pocket, and says he would have it charged against my salary. I was just going to brace him about the California trip

when he got away and went back to the meeting. Well, Al, I hung round with the bunch, waiting for him to get through again, and we had some more drinks, and finally Comiskey was through again, and I braced him in the lobby and asked him if it was all right to take my wife along to California. He says, sure, they would be glad to have her along.

And then I says, would the club pay her fare? He says, I guess you must have spent that hundred dollars buying some nerve. He says, Have you got no sisters that would like to go along too? He says, Does your wife insist on the drawing room, or will she take a lower berth?

He says, Is my special train good enough for her? Then he turns away from me, and I guess some of the boys must have heard the stuff he pulled, because they was laughing when he went away, but I did not see nothing to like. F at, but I guess he meant that I would have to pay her fare if she goes along, and that is out of the question, Al. I am up against it, and I don't know where I am going to head in at.

Your pal, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, February 12. Dear old Al, I guess everything will be all okay now, at least I am hoping it will. When I told Flory about how I come out with Kamiski, she bawled her head off, and I thought for a while I was going to have to call a doctor or something, but pretty soon she cut it out, and we sat there a while without saying nothing. Then she says, If you could get your salary raised a couple of hundred dollars a year, would you borrow the money ahead somewhere and take me along to California?

I says, yes, I would, if I could get a couple hundred dollars more salary, but how could I do that when I had signed the contract for $2,800 last fall already? She says, Don't you think you are worth more than $2,800? And I says, yes, of course I was worth more than $2,800. She says, Well, if you will go and talk the right way to Kamiski, I believe he will give you $3,000,

but you must be sure you go out at the right way, and don't go and bowl it all up. Well, we argued about it a while, because I don't want to hold nobody up, Al, but finally I says I would. It would not be holding nobody up anyway, because I am worth $3,000 to the club if I am worth a nickel. The papers is all saying that the club has got a good chance to win the pennant this year

and talking about the pitching staff, and I guess they would not be no pitching staff much if it was not for I and one or two others. About one other, I guess. So it looks like as if everything will be all okay now, Al. I am going to the office over to the park to see him the first thing in the morning, and I am pretty sure that I will get what I am after, because if I do not, he will see that I am going to quit,

and then he will see what he is up against and not let me get away. I will let you know how I come out. Your pal, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, February 14, friend Al. Al, old pal, I have got a big surprise for you. I am going to the Federal League. I had a run-in with Kamiski yesterday, and I guess I told him a thing or two.

I guess he would have been glad to sign me at my first. own figure before I got through, but I was so mad I would not give him no chance to offer me another contract. I got out to the park at 9 o'clock yesterday morning, and it was an hour before he showed up. And then he kept me waiting another hour, so I was pretty sore when I finally went in to see him. He says, well, young man, what can I do for you? I says, I come to see about my contract. He says, do you want to sign up for next year already? I says, no, I am talking about this year.

He says, I thought I and you talked business last fall. And I says, yes, but now I think I am worth more money, and I want to sign a contract for $3,000. He says, If you behave yourself and work good this year, I will see that you are took care of. But I says, that won't do because I have got to be sure I am going to get $3,000.

Then he says, I am not sure you're going to get anything. I says, what do you mean? And he says, I have gave you a very fair contract. And if you don't want to live up to it, that is your business. So I gave him an awful call, Al, and told him I would jump to the Federal League. He says, oh, I would not do that if I was you. They are having a hard enough time as it is. So I says something back to him, and he did not say nothing to me,

and I beat it out of the office. I have not told Flory about the Federal League business, as I am going to give her a big surprise. I bet they will take her along with me on the training trip and pay her fare, but even if they don't, I should not worry, because I will make them give me a contract for $4,000 a year, and then I can afford to take her with me on all the trips. I will go down and see Tinker tomorrow morning,

and I will write you tomorrow night, Al, how much salary they're going to give me. But I won't sign for no less than $4,000. You know me, Al. Yours, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, February 15. Old pal, it is pretty near midnight, Al, but I've been to bed a couple of times, and I can't get no sleep.

I am worried to death, Al, and I don't know where I am going to head in at. Maybe I will go out and buy a gun, Al, and end it all. And I guess it would be better for everybody. But I cannot do that, Al, because I have not got to. not the money to buy a gun with. I went down to see Tinker about signing up with the Federal League, and he was busy in the office when I come in. Pretty soon Buck Perry, the pitcher that was with Boston last year,

come out and seen me, and as Tinker was still busy, we went out and had a drink together. Buck shows me a contract for $5,000 a year, and Tinker had also given him a $500 bonus. So pretty soon I went up to the office, and pretty soon Tinker seen me and called me into his private office and asked what did I want. I says I was ready to jump for $4,000 in a bonus. He says,

I thought you was signed up with a white socks. I says yes, but I was not satisfied. He says, That does not make no difference to me if you are satisfied or not. You ought to have come to me before you signed the contract. I says I did not know enough, but I know better now. He says, well, it is too late now. We cannot have nothing to do with you because you have went and signed the contract with the White Sox.

I argued with him a while and asked him to come out and have a drink so we could talk it over, but he said he was busy, so there was nothing for me to do but blow. So I am not going to the Federal League, Al, and I will not go with the White Sox because I have got a raw deal. Kamiski will be sorry for what he is done when his team starts the season, and he is up against it for good pitchers, and then he will probably give me everything I ask for. But that don't do me no good now, Al. I am way in debt and no chance to get no money from nobody.

I wish I had stayed in Terre Haute, Al, and never saw this league. Your pal, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, February 17. Friend, Al. Al, don't never let nobody tell you that these here left-handers, is right. This Alan, my own brother-in-law, who married sisters, has been grafting and sponging on me all winter, Al. Look what he'd done to me now, Al. You know how hard I've been up against it for money, and I know he has got plenty of it because I've seen it on him. Well, Al, I was scared to tell Flory I was

cleaned out, and so I went to Allen yesterday and says I had to have $100 right away because I owed the rent and owed the hired girl's salary and could not even pay no grocery bill. and he says no he could not let me have none because he has got to save all his money to take his wife on a trip to California and here he has been living on me all winter and maybe I could have took my wife to California if I had not have spent all my money

taking care of this no good left-hander in his wife and Al honest he has not got a thing and what not to be in the league he gets by with a dinky curveball and he has got no more smoke than a rabbit or something Well, Al, I felt like busting him in the jaw, but then I thought, no, I might kill him, and then I would have Marie and Florey both to take care of,

and God knows one of them is enough, besides paying his funeral expenses. So I walked away from him without taking a crack at him, and went into the other room where Flory and Marie was at. I says to Marie, I says, Marie, I wish you would go in the other room a minute because I want to talk to Florey. So Marie beats it into the other room.

And then I tells Flory all about what Kamiski and the Federal League done to me. She bawled something awful. And then she says, I was no good, and she wished she had not never married me. I says, I wished it, too. And then she says, do you mean that? And starts to cry. I told her, I was sorry. I says that because they is not no use fussing with girls, Al, especially when they is your wife.

She says, no California trip for me. and then she says, What are you going to do? And I says, I did not know. She says, well, if I was a man, I would do something. So then I got mad, and I says, I will do something. So I went down to the corner saloon and started in to get good and drunk, but I could not do it, Al, because I did not have the money.

Well, old pal, I am going to ask you a big favor, and it is this. I want you to send me $100, Al, for just a few days, till I can get on my feet. I do not know when I can pay it back, Al, but I guess you know the money is good, and I know you have got it. Who would not have it when they live in Bedford? Besides, I let you take $20 in June four years ago, Al,

and you give it back, but I would not have said nothing to you if you would have kept it. Let me hear from you right away, old pal. Yours truly Jack. Chicago, Illinois, February 19. Al I am certainly grateful to you, Al, for the $100 which come just a little while ago. I will pay the rent with it and part of the grocery bill,

and I guess the hired girl will have to wait a while for her, but she is sure to get it because I don't never forget my debts. I have changed my mind about the White Sox, and I'm going to go on the trip and take Flory along because I don't think it would not be right to leave her alone and shy when her sister and all of us is going. I am going over to the ballpark and up in the office pretty soon to see about it. I will tell Kamisky I changed my mind, and he will be glad to get me back,

because the club has not got no chance to finish nowhere's without me. But I won't go on no trip or give the club my services without them giving me some more advanced money so as I can take Flory along with me, because Al I would not go without her. Maybe Kamisky will make my salary $3,000 like I wanted him to when he sees I am willing to be a good fellow and go along with him and when he knows that the Federal League would have gladly gave me $4,000 if I had not have signed no contract with the White Sox. I think I will ask him for $200 advance money, Al,

and if I get it, maybe I can send part of your $100 back to you but I know you cannot be in no hurry, Al, though you says you wanted it back as soon as possible. You could not be very hard up, Al, because it don't cost near so much to live in Bedford as it does here. Anyway, I will let you know how I come out with Kamiski, and I will write you as soon as I get out to Paso Robles if I don't get no time to write you before I leave. Your pal, Jack. P.S. I have took good care of myself all winter, Al, and I guess I ought to have a great season. P.S.

Flory is tickled to death about going along, and her and I have. will have some time together out there on the coast if I can get some money somewhere. Chicago, Illinois, February 21, friend Al. I have not got the heart to write this letter to you, Al. I am up here in my 42-50 a month flat, and the club has went to California, and Flory has went too. I am flat broke, Al, and all I am asking you is to send me enough money to pay my fare to Bedford, and they and all their leagues can go to hell, Al.

I was out to the ballpark early yesterday morning, and some of the boys was there already fanning and kidding each other. They tried to kid me, too, when I come in, but I guess I give them as good as they give me. I was not in no mind for kidding, Al, because I was there on business, and I wanted to see Kamiski and get it done with. Well, the secretary come in finally,

and I went up to him and says, want to see Kimisky right now. He says the boss was busy, and what did I want to see him about? And I says, I wanted to get some advance money because I was going to take my wife on the trip. He says, this would be a fine time to be telling us about it, even if you was going on the trip. And I says, what do you mean? And he says, you are not going on no trip with us, because we have got waivers on you. And you are sold to Milwaukee. Honest Al, I thought he was kidding at first, and I was waiting for him to laugh, but he did not laugh. And finally, I says, what do you mean?

And he says, cannot you understand no English? You are sold to Milwaukee. And I says, I want to see the boss. He says, it won't do you no good to see the boss, and he is too busy to see you. I says, I want to get some money. And he says, you cannot get no money from this club. and all you get is your fare to Milwaukee. I says, I am not going to know Milwaukee anyway.

And he says, I should not worry about that. Suit yourself. Well, Al, I told some of the boys about it, and they was pretty sore and says I ought to bust the secretary in the jaw, and I was going to do it when I thought, no, I better not, because he is a little guy and I might kill him. I looked all over for Kid Gleason, but he was not nowhere around, and they told me he would not get into town,

till late in the afternoon. If I could have saw him, Al, he would have fixed me all up. I asked three or four of the boys for some money, but they says they was all broke. But I have not told you the worst of it yet, Al. When I come back to the flat, Alan and Marie and Flory was busy packing up, and they asked me how I come out. I told them, and Alan just stood there, staring like a big rummy, but Marie and Florey both began to cry, and I almost felt like as if I would like to cry too, Only I am not no baby, Al. Well, Al, I told Flory she might just as well quit packing and make up her mind that she was not going nowhere till I got money enough to go to Bedford where I belong. She kept right on crying, and it got so I could not stand it no more,

so I went out to get a drink because I still had just about a dollar left yet. It was about two o'clock when I left the flat and pretty near five when I come back because I had a run in to some fans that knowed who I was and would not let me get away, and besides, I did not want to see no more of Alan and Marie till they was out of the house and on their way. But when I come in, Al, there was nobody there. There was not nothing there, except the furniture,

and a few of my things scattered around. I sit down for a few minutes, because I guessed I must have had too much to drink, but finally I seen a note on the table addressed to me, and I seen it was Flory's writing. I do not remember just what was there in the note, Al, because I tore it up the minute I read it, but it was something about I could not support no wife,

and Alan had gave her enough money to go back to Texas, and she was going on the 6 o'clock train, and it would not do me no good to try and stop her. Well, Al, there was no danger of me trying to stop her. She was not no good, Al, and I wished I had not have never saw either show, she or her sister or my brother-in-law. For a minute, I thought I would follow Alan and his wife down to the depot

where the special train was to pull out of and wait till I seen him and punch his jaw. But I seen that would not get me nothing. So here I am all alone, Al, and I will have to stay here till you send me the money to come home. You better send me $25 because I have got a few little debts I should ought to pay before I leave town. I am not going to Milwaukee, Al, because I did not get no decent deal, and nobody cannot make no sucker out of me. Please hurry up with a $25, Al, old friend, because I am sick and tired of shy and want to get back there with my old pal. Yours, Jack. P.S. Al. I wish I had have took poor little Violet when she was so stuck on me.

End of Chapter 3. Chapter 4 of You Know Me, Al. This is a Libravox recording. All Libravox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Libravox.org. Recording by Rick Rodstrom. You Know Me, Al, by Ring Lardner, Chapter 4, A New Busher, breaks in. Chicago, Illinois, March 2, friend Al.

Al, that piece in the paper was all okay, and the write dope, just like you. said. I seen President Johnson, the President of the League today, and he told me the piece in the papers was the right dope, and Kamisky did not have no right to sell me to Milwaukee, because the Detroit Club had never gave me no waivers on me. He says the Detroit Club was late in filing their claim, and Kamisky must have taken it for granted that they was going to waive, but President Johnson was pretty sore about it at that, and says Kamiski did not have no right to sell me till he was positive that they was not not team that wanted me. It will probably cost Kimisky some money for acting like he'd done,

and not paying no attention to the rules, and I would not be surprised if President Johnson had him thrown out of the league. Well, I asked President Johnson, should I report at once to the Detroit Club down south? And he says, No, you better wait till you hear from Kamisky. And I says, what has Kamisky got to do with it now? And he says, Kimisky will own you till he sells you to Detroit or somewhere else. So I will have to go out to the ballpark tomorrow and see is they any mail for me there because I probably will get a letter from Kamiski telling me I am sold to Detroit. If I had of thought at the time, I would have knew that Detroit never would give no waivers on me

after the way I showed Cobb and Crawford up last fall. And I might have knew, too, that Detroit is in the market for good pitchers because they got a rotten pitching staff, but they won't have no rotten staff. when I get with them. If necessary, I will pitch every other day for Jennings, and if I do, we will win the Penn & Shore, because Detroit has got a club that can get two or three runs every day, and all as I need to win most of games is one run.

I can't hardly wait till Jennings works me against the White Sox, and what I will do to them will be a plenty. It don't take no pitching to beat them anyway, and when they get up against a pitcher like me, they might as well leave their bats in the bag for all the good their bats will do them. I guess Cobb and Crawford will be glad to have me on the Detroit Club, because then they won't never have to hit against me except in practice, and I won't pitch my best in practice, because they will be teammates of mine,

and I don't never like to show none of my teammates up. At that, though, I don't suppose Jennings will let me do much pitching in practice, because when he gets a hold of a good pitcher, he won't want me to take no chances of throwing my arm away in practice. Al, just think how funny it will be to have me pitching for the Tigers in the same town where Violet lives and pitching on the same club with her husband. It will not be so funny for Violet and her husband, though, because she is a chance to see me work regular.

She will find out what a mistake she made taking that left-hander instead of a man that has got some future and soon will be making $5,000 or $6,000 a year because I won't sign with Detroit for no less than $5,000 at most. Of course, I could have had her if I had wanted to, but still in all, it will make her feel pretty sick to see me winning games for Detroit while her husband is batting fungos and getting splinters in his uni from sliding up and down the bench.

As for her husband, the first time he opens his clam to me, I will haul off and bust him one in the jaw, but I guess he will know more than to start trouble with the man of my son, size and who was going to be one of their stars while he is just holding down a job because they feel sorry for him. I wish he could have got the girl I married instead of the one he got, and I bet she would have drove him crazy, but I guess you can't drive a left-hand to crazier than he is to begin with. I have not heard nothing from Floree, Al, and I don't want to hear nothing. I and her is better apart, and I wish she would sue me for the bill of divorce so she could not go around claiming

she is my wife and disgracing my name. If she would consent to sue me for a bill of divorce, I would gladly pay all the expenses and settle with her for any sum of money she wants, say about $75 or $100, and there is no reason I should give her a nickel after the way her and her sister Marie and her brother-in-law, Alan, grafted off me. Probably I could sue her for a bill of divorce, but they tell me it costs money to sue,

and if you just lay low and let the other side do the suing, it don't cost you a nickel. It is pretty late, Al, and I have got to get up early tomorrow and go to the ballpark and see is they any mail for me. I will let you know what I hear, old pal, your old pal, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, March 4. Al, I am up against it again. I went out to the ballpark office yesterday, and there was nobody there except John somebody, who is assistant secretary, and all the rest of them is out on the coast with the team. Maybe this here John was trying to kid me, but this is what he told me.

First, I says, is they a letter here for me? And he says, no. And I says, I was expecting word from Kamiski that I should join the Detroit Club. And he says, what makes you think that you are going to Detroit? I says, Kamisky asked waivers on me, and Detroit did not give no waivers. He says, Well, that is not no sign that you are going to Detroit. If Kamiski can't get you out of the league,

he will probably keep you himself, and it is a sense he is not going to give up no pitcher to Detroit, no matter how rotten he is. I says, what do you mean? And he says, you just stick round town till you hear from Kamiski, and I guess you will hear pretty soon, because he is coming back from the coast next Saturday. I says, well, the only thing he can tell me

is to report to Detroit, because I won't never pitch again for the White Sox. Then John gets fresh and says, I suppose you will quit the game and live on your savings. And then I blowed out of the office because I was scared I would lose my temper and break something. So you see, Al, what I am up against. I won't never pitch for the White Sox again, and I want to get with the Detroit Club. But how can I if Kamiski won't let me go?

All I can do is stick round till next Saturday, and then I will see Kamisky, and I guess when I tell him what I think of him, he will be glad to let me go to Detroit or anywhere else. I will have something on him this time, because I know that he did not pay no attention to the rules when he told me I was sold to Milwaukee, and if he tries to slip something over on me, I will tell President Johnson of the League all about it,

and then you will see where Kamisky heads in at. Al, old pal, that $25 you give me at the station the other day is all shot to pieces, and I must ask you to let me have $25 more, which will make $75 altogether, including the $25 you sent me before I come home. I hate to ask you this favor, O'Pal, but I know you have got the money. If I am sold to Detroit, I will get some advance money and pay up all my debts inclusive. If he don't let me go to Detroit, I will make him come across with part of my salary for this year, even if I don't pitch for him, because I sign up. I sign up. the contract and was ready to do my end of it, and would have if he had not have been nasty

and tried to slip something over on me, if he refuses to come across, I will hire an attorney at law, and he will get it all. So, Al, you see, you have got a cinch on getting back what you loan me, but I guess you know that, Al, without all this talk, because you have been my old pal for a good many years, and I have always treated you square and tried to make you feel that I and you was equals and that my success was not going to make me forget my old friends. Wherever I pitched this year, I will insist on a salary of five or six thousand dollars a year. So you see, on my first pay day, I will have enough to pay you up and settle the rest of my debts, but I am not going to pay no more rent for this rotten flat, because they tell me if a man don't

pay no rent for a while, they will put them out. Let them put me out. I should not worry, but will go and rent my old room that I had before I met Flory and got into all this trouble. The sooner you can send me that $35, the better, and then I will owe you $85 inclusive, and I will write and let you know how I come out with Kamiski. Your pal Jack. Chicago, Illinois, March 12, friend Al. I got another big surprise for you, and this is it. I am going to pitch for the White Sox after all. If Kamisky was not an old man, I guess I would have lost my temper and beat him up, but I am glad now that I kept my temper and did not lose it because I forced him to make a lot of concessions, and now it looks as though I would have a big

year about pitching and money. He got back to town yesterday morning and showed up to his office in the afternoon, and I was there waiting for him. He would not see me for a while, but finally I acted like as though I was getting tired of waiting, and I guess the secretary got scared that I would beat it out of the office and leave them all in the lurch. Anyway, he went in and spoke to Kamiski and then come out and says the boss was ready to see me. When I went into the office where he was, he says, Well, young man, what can I do for you? And I says, I want you to give me my release so as I can join the Detroit Club down south and get in shape.

Then he says, What makes you think you are going to join the Detroit Club? Because we need you here. I says, then why did you try to sell me to Milwaukee? but you could not because you could not get no waivers. Then he says, I thought I was doing you a favor by sending you to Milwaukee because they make a lot of beer up there.

I says, what do you mean? He says, You've been keeping in shape all this winter by trying to drink this town dry. And besides that, you tried to hold me up for more money when you already had signed a contract already. And so I was going to send you to Milwaukee and learn you something.

and besides, you tried to go with the Federal League, but they would not take you because they were scared to. I don't know where he found out all that stuff at, Al. And besides, he was wrong when he says I was drinking too much because there is not nobody that can drink more than me and not be affected. But I did not say nothing because I was scared I would forget myself and call him some name, and he is an old man. Yes, I did say something.

I says, well, I guess you found out that you could not get me out of the league, and then he says, Don't never think I could not get you out of the league. If you think I can't send you to Milwaukee, I will prove it to you that I can. I says, you can't, because Detroit won't give no waivers on me. He says, Detroit will give waivers on you quick enough if I ask them. Then he says,

Now, you can take your chance. You can stay here and pitch for me at the salary you signed up for. And you can cut out the monkey business and drink water. when you are thirsty, or else you can go up to Milwaukee and drown yourself in one of them breweries. Which shall it be? I says, how can you keep me or send me to Milwaukee when Detroit has already claimed my services? He says, Detroit has claimed a lot of things, and they have even claimed the Penin. But that is not no sign they will win it.

He says, and besides, you would not want to pitch for Detroit, because then you would never have no chance to pitch against Cobb and show him up. Well, Al, when he says that, I know he appreciated what a pitcher I am, even if he did try to sell me to Milwaukee, or he would have not made that remark about the way I can show Cobb and Crawford up. So I says, well, if you need me that bid, I will pitch for you, but I must have a new contract. He says, oh, I guess we can fix that up, okay.

And he steps out in the next room a while, and then he comes back with a new contract. And what do you think it was, Al? It was a contract for three years. So you see, I am sure of my job here for three years, and everything is all okay. The contract calls for the same salary a year for three years that I was going to get before for only one year, which is $2,800 a year. And then I will get in on the City Serious money, too, and the Detroit Club don't have no City Series and have no chance to get into the World Series

with the rotten pitching staff they got. So you see, Al, he fixed me up good. and that shows that he must think a whole lot of me, or he would have sent me to Detroit or maybe to Milwaukee, but I don't see how he could have did that without no waivers. Well, Al, I almost forgot to tell you that he has given me a ticket to Los Angeles where the second team are practicing at now,

but where the first team will be at in about a week. I am leaving tonight, and I guess before I go, I will go down to President Johnson and tell him that I am fixed up all okay and have got no kick coming so that President Johnson, so that President Johnson will not find Kamisky for not paying no attention to the rules or get him fired out of the league

because I guess Kamisky must be all okay and good-hearted after all. I won't pay no attention to what he says about me drinking this town dry because he is all wrong in regards to that. He must have been joking, I guess, because nobody but some boob would think he could drink this cow dry,

but at that I guess I can hold more than anybody and not be affected. But I guess I will cut it out for a while at that, because I don't want to get them sore at me after the contract they gave me. I will write to you from Los Angeles, Al, and let you know what the boys says when they see me, and I will bet that they will be tickled to death. The rent man was around today, but I seen him coming, and he did not find me. I am going to leave the furniture that belongs in the flat, in the flat,

and also the furniture I bought, which don't amount to much, because it was not no real Sir Cache and Walnut, and because I don't want nothing around me to remind me of Flory because the sooner her and I forget each other the better. Tell the boys about my good luck, Al, but it is not no luck neither because it was coming to me. Yours truly Jack. Los Angeles, California, March 16. Al, here I am back with the White Sox again,

and it seems too good to be true, because just like I told you, they are all tickled to death to see me. Kid Gleason is here in charge of the second team, and when he's seen me coming to the hotel, he jumped up and hit me in the stomach, but he acts like that whenever he feels good, so I could not get sore at him, though he had no right to hit me in the stomach.

If he had done it in earnest, I would have walloped him in the jaw. He says, Well, if here ain't the old lady killer. He meant, Al, that I am strong with the girls, but I am all true with them now, but he don't know nothing about the troubles I had. He says,

Are you in shape? And I told him, yes, I am. He says, yes, you look in shape, like a barrel. I says, they is not no fat on me. And if I am a little bit bigger than last year, it is because my muscles is bigger. He says, yes, your stomach muscles is immense, and you must have gave them plenty of exercise.

Wait till Bodie sees you, and he will want to stick around you all the time because you make him look like a broomstraw or something. I let him kid me along because what is the use of getting mad at him? And besides, he is all okay, even if he is a little rough. I says to him, a little work will fix me up all okay. And he says, You bet you are going to get some work, because I am going to see to it myself.

I says, you will have to hurry because you will be going up to Frisco in a few days, and I'm going to stay here and join the first club. Then he says, you are not going to do no such thing. You are going right along with me. I note he was kidding me then, because Callahan would not never leave me with the second team no more after what I'd done for him last year, and besides most of the stars generally always go with the first team on a training trip.

Well, I seen all the rest of the boys that is here with the second team, and they all acted like as if they was glad to see me, and why should not they be, when they know that me being here with the White Sox, and not with Detroit, means that Callahan won't have to do no worrying about his pitching staff. But they is four or five young recruit pitchers with the team here, and I bet they is not so glad to see me because what chance of they got?

If I was Comisky and Callahan, I would not spend no money on new pitchers because with me and one or two of the other boys, we got the best pitching staff in the league. And instead of spending the money for new pitching recruits, I would put it all in a lump and buy Ty Cobb or Sam Crosy. Crawford off of Detroit or somebody else who can hit, and Cobb and Crawford is both real hitters, Al, even if I did make them look like suckers. Who wouldn't?

Well, Al, tomorrow I am, I am going out and work a little, and in the PM I will watch the game between we and the Venice Club, but I won't pitch none because Gleason would not dare take no chances of me hurting my arm. I will write to you in a few days from there, because no matter what Gleason says, I am going to stick here with the first team, because I know Callahan will want me along with him for attraction. Your pal, Jack.

San Francisco, California, March 20th. Friend Al. Well, Al, here I am back in Old Frisco with the second team, but I will tell you how it happened, Al. Yesterday, Gleason told me to pack up and get ready to leave Los Angeles with him, and I says, no, I am going to stick here and wait for the first team, and then he says, I guess I must have overlooked something in the papers

because I did not see nothing about you being appointed manager of the club. I says, no, I am not manager, but Callahan is manager, and he will want to keep me with him. He says, I got a wire from Callahan telling me to keep you with my club, but of course if you know what Callahan wants better than he knows it himself, why then go ahead and stay here or go jump in the Pacific Ocean? Then he says, I know why you don't want to go with me,

and I says why. And he says, Because you know I will make you work and won't let you eat everything on the bill of fare, including the name of the hotel at which we are stopping at. That made me store, and I was just going to call him when he says, Did you not marry Mrs. Allen's sister?

And I says, yes, but that is not none of your business. Then he says, Well, I don't want a butt into your business, but I heard you and your wife had some kind of argument, and she beat it. I says, yes, she gave me a rotten deal. He says, well then, I don't see where it is going to be very pleasant for you traveling around with the first club, because Alan and his wife is both with that club,

and what do you want to be mixed up with them for? I says, I am not scared of Alan or his wife or no other old hand. So here I am, Al, with the second team, but it is only for a while till Callahan gets sick of some of them pictures he has got and sends for me so he can see some real pitching. And besides, I am glad to be here in Frisco, where I made so many friends when I was pitching here for a short time, till Callahan heard about my work and called me back to the big show where I belong and nowhere's else. Yours truly Jack. San Francisco, California, March 25. Old pal? Al, I got a surprise for you.

Who do you think I seen last night? Nobody but Hazel. Her name now is Hazel Levy, because you know, Al, she married Kid Levy, the middleweight, and I wish he was champion of the world, Al, because then it would not take me more than about a minute to be champion of the world myself. I have not got nothing against him, though, because he married her. And if he had not of, I probably would have married her myself. But at that she could not have treated me no worse than Flory. Well, they was sitting at a table in the cafe where Hur and I used to go pretty near every night. She spotted me when I first come in

and sends a waiter over to ask me to come and have a drink with them. I went over because there was no use being nasty and let bygones be bygones. She introduced me to her husband, and he asked me what I was drinking. Then she butts in and says, Oh, you must let Mr. Keith buy the drinks, because it hurts his feelings to have somebody else by the drinks.

Then Levy says, Oh, he is one of these. here spend trips, is he? And she says, Yes, he don't care No more about a nickel Than his right eye does. I says,

I guess you have got no holler coming On the way I spend my money. I don't steal no money anyway. She says, What do you mean? And I says, I guess you know what I mean. How about that $30 that you borrowed off of me

And never give it back? Then her husband cuts in and says, you cut that line of talk out or I will bust you. I says, yes you will. And he says, yes, I will. Well, Al, what was the use of me starting trouble with him when he has got enough trouble right to home? And besides, as I say, I have got nothing against him.

So I got up and blown away from the table, and I bet he was relieved when he seen I was not going to start nothing. I beat it out of there a while afterward because I was not drinking nothing. and I don't have no fun sitting around the place and lapping up ginger ale or something. And besides the music was rotten. Al, I certainly am glad I throwed Hazel over because she has grew to be as big as a horse and is all painted up. I don't care nothing about them big dolls no more, or about no other kind neither.

I am off of them all. They can all of them die and I should not worry. Well, Al, I'd done my first pitching of the year this PM, and I guess I showed them that I was in just as good as shape, as some of them birds that has been working a month. I worked four innings against my old team, the San Francisco Club, and I gave them nothing but fast ones. But they sure was fast ones, and you could hear them zip.

Charlie O'Leary was trying to get out of the way of one of them, and it hit his bat and went over first base for a base hit. But at that, Furnier would have eaten up if it had been of Chase playing first base instead of Furnier. That was the only hit they got off me, and they ought to have been ashamed to have taken that one. But Gleason don't appreciate my work, and him and I almost come to blows at supper. I was pretty hungry, and I ordered some steak and some eggs and some pie and some ice cream and some coffee and a glass of milk.

But Gleeson would not let me have the pie or the milk, and would not let me eat more than half the steak. And it is a wonder I did not bust him up and tell him to mind his own business. I says, what right have you got to tell me what to eat? And he says, You don't need nobody to tell you what to eat. You need somebody to keep you from floundering yourself. I says, Why can't I eat what I want to when I have worked good?

He says, Who told you you work good? And I says, I did not need nobody to tell me. I know I work good because they could not do nothing with me. He says, Well, it is a good thing for you

that they did not start bunting because if you would have went to stoop over and pick up the ball, you would have busted wide open. I says, why? And he says, Because you are hog fat, and if you don't let up on a stake

and fancy groceries, we will have to pay too fast to get you back to shy. I don't remember now what I says to him, but I says something, you can bet on that. You know me, Al.

I wish Al that Callahan would hurry up and order me to join the first team. If he don't, Al, I believe Gleason will starve me to death. A little slob like him, don't realize that a big man like I needs good food and plenty of it.

Your pal, Jack. Salt Lake City, Utah, April 1. Al? Well, Al, we are on our way east, and I am still with the second team, and I don't understand why Callahan don't order me to join the first team, but maybe it is because he knows that I am all right and have got the stuff,

and he wants to keep them other guys around where he can see if they've got anything. The recruit pitchers, that is along with our club, have not got nothing, and the scout that recommended them must have been full of hops or something. It is not no common thing for a club to pick up a man that has got the stuff to make him a star up here, and the White Sox was pretty lucky to land me. But I don't understand why they throw their money away on new pitchers when none of them is no good, and besides, who would want a better pitching staff than we got right now

without no raw recruits and bushes? I worked in Oakland the day before yesterday, but he only let me go the first, four innings. I bet them Oakland Birds was glad when he took me out. When I was in that league, I used to just throw my glove in the box, and them Oakland Birds was licked, and honest Al, some of them turned white when they seen I was going to pitch the other day. I felt kind of sorry for them, and did not give them all I had, so they got five or six hits and scored a couple of runs. I was not feeling very good at that, and besides, we got some awful excuses for a ball player on this club, and the sport they give me was the rottenest I ever seen gave anybody.

But some of them won't be in this league more than about ten minutes more, so I should not Fred, as they say. We play here this afternoon, and I don't believe I will work, because the team they got here is not worth wasting nobody on. They must be a lot of boobs in this town, Al, because they tell me that some of them has got half a dozen wives or so. And what a man wants with one wife is a mystery to me, let alone a half dozen. I will probably work against Denver because they got a good club and was champions of the Western League last year. I will make them think they are champions of the Epworth League or something.

Yours truly Jack. Des Moines, Iowa, April 10, friend Al. We got here this AM and this is our last stop and we will be an old shy tomorrow to open the season. The first team gets home today, and I would be the, there with them if Callahan was a real manager who knowed something about managing, because if I am going to open the season, I should ought to have one day of rest at home, so I would have all my strength to open the season. The Cleveland Club will be there to open against us, and Callahan must know

that I have got them licked any time I start against them. As soon as my name is announced to pitch the Cleveland Club is licked, or any other club when I am right, and they don't kick the game away behind me. Gleason told me on the train last night that I was going to pitch here today, but I bet by this time he has got orders from Callahan to let me rest and to not give me no more work, because suppose even if I did not start the game tomorrow, I probably will have to finish it. Gleeson has been sticking around me like as if I had a million bucks or something.

I can't even sit down and smoke a cigar, but what he is there to knock the ashes off of it. He is okay and good-hearted, if he is a little rough, and keeps hitting me in the stomach, but I wish he would leave me alone sometimes, especially at meals. He was into breakfast with me this a.m., and after I got through,

I snuck off down the street and got something to eat. That is not right, because it costs me money when I have to go away from the hotel and eat, and what right has he got to try and help me order my meals, because he don't know what I want and what my stomach wants. My stomach don't want to have him punching it all the time, but he keeps on doing it, So that shows he don't know what is good for me.

But he is an old man, Al, otherwise I would not stand for the stuff he pulls. The first thing I am going to do when we get to shy is I am going to a restaurant somewhere and get a good meal where Gleason or no one else can't get at me. I know already what I am going to eat, and that is a big steak and an apple pie, and that is not all. Well, Al, watch the papers, and you will see what I've done to that Cleveland Club,

and I hope Lajouet and Jackson is both in good shape, because I don't want to pick on no cripples. Your pal, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, April 16. Old pal. Yesterday was the first payday, old pal, and I know I promised to pay you what I owed you, and it is $75, because when I asked you for $35 before I went west,

you only sent me $25, which makes the whole sum $75. Well, Al, I can't pay you now, because the pay we drawed was only for four days, and did not amount to nothing, and I had to buy a meal ticket and fix up about my room rent. And then there is another thing, Al, which I will tell you about. I come into the clubhouse the day the season opened, and the first guy I seen was Alan.

I was going up to bust him, but he come up and held his hand out, and what was day for me to do but shake hands with him if he is going to be yellow like that? He says, Well, Jack, I'm glad they did not send you to Milwaukee. and I bet you will have a big year. I says, yes, I will have a big year, okay,

if you don't stick another one of your sister-in-laws on me. He says, Oh, don't let they be no hard feelings about that. You know it was not no fault of mine, and I bet if you was to write to Florey, everything could be fixed up okay. I says, I don't want a right to know Florey, but I will get an attorney-in-law to write to her.

He says, you don't even know where she is at. And I says, I don't care where she is at. Where is she? He says, she is down to her home in Waco, Texas. And if I was you, I would write to her myself and not let no attorney at law write to her because that would get her bad. And besides, what do you want an attorney-in-law to write to her about?

I says, I am going to sue her for a bill of divorce. Then he says, on what grounds? And I says desertion. He says, you better not do no such thing, or she will sue you for a bill of divorce for none support, and then

you will look like a cheap guy. I says, I don't care what I look like. So you see, Al, I had to send Flory $10 or maybe she would be mean enough to sue me for a bill of divorce on the ground of none support, and that would make me look bad.

Well, Al, Al, Alan told me his wife wanted to talk to me and try and fix things up between I and Flory, but I give him to understand that I would not stand for no meeting with his wife, and he says, well, suit yourself about that, but there is no reason you and I should quarrel. You see, Al, he don't want no mix-up with me, because he knows he could not get nothing but the worst of it. I will be friends with him, but I won't have nothing to do with Marie, because if it had not have been for she and Flory, I would have money in the bank

besides not being in no danger of getting sued for none support. I guess you must have read about Joe Ben's getting married, and I guess he must have got a good wife, and one that don't bother him all the time, because he pitched the opening game and shut out Cleveland with two hits. He was pretty good, Al, better than I ever seen him, and there was a couple of times when his fastball was pretty near fast as mine. I have not worked yet, Al, and I asked Callahan today, what was the matter?

And he says, I was waiting for you to get in shape. I says, I am in shape now, and I noticed that when I was pitching in practice this a.m., they did not hit nothing out of the infield. He says, that was because you are so spread out that they could get nothing past you. He says, the way you are now, you cover more ground than the grandstand. I says, is that so? And he walked away. We go out on a trip to Cleveland and Detroit and St. Louis in a few days,

and maybe I will take my regular turn then because the other pitchers has been getting away lucky because most of the hitters has not got their batting eye as yet, but wait till they begin hitting, and then it will take a man like I to stop them. The first of May is our next payday, Al, and then I will have enough money so as I can send you to $75. Your pal Jack

Detroit, Michigan, April 28. Friend Al What do you think of a rotten manager that balls me out and finds me $50 for losing a one-to-nothing game in ten innings when it was my first start of the season? And no wonder I was a little wild in the tent when I had not had no chance to work and get control. I got a good notion to quit this rotten club

and jump to the Federals where a man gets some kind of treatment. Callahan says I I throwed the game away on purpose But I did not do no such thing, Al Because when I throwed that ball at Joe Hill's head I forgot that the bases was full And besides, if Gleason had not have starved me to death The ball that hit him in the head would have killed him

And how could a man go to first base And the winning run be forced in if he was dead Which he should ought to have been The lucky left-handed stiff If I had had of my full strength To put on my fast one Instead of being half-starved to death and weak but I guess I better tell you how it came off.

The papers will get it all wrong like they generally always does. Callahan called me this a.m. if I thought I was hard enough to work, and I was tickled to debt, because I seen he was going to give me a chance. I told him, sure, I was in good shape, and if them tigers scored a runoff me, he could keep me setting on the bench the rest of the summer.

So he says, All right, I am got to start you. And if you go good, maybe Gleason will let you eat some solid, Well, Al, when I begin warming up, I happened to look up in the grandstand, and who do you think I've seen? Nobody but Violet. She smiled when she's seen me, but I bet she felt more like crying. Well, I smiled back at her, because she probably would have broke down and made a scene or something if I had not of. There was not nobody warming up for Detroit when I began warming up, but pretty soon I looked over to their bench, and Joe Hill, Violet's husband, was warming up. I see. says to myself, well, here is where I showed that bird up, if they got nerve enough to start them against me, but probably Jennings don't want to waste no real pitcher on this game, which he knows we got cinched, and we would have had it cinched out if they had got a couple of runs,

or even one run for me. Well, Jennings come past their bench, just like he always does, and tried to pull some of his funny stuff. He says, Hello, are you still in the league? I says, yes, but, I come pretty near not being. I came pretty near being with Detroit. I wish you could have heard Gleason and Callahan laugh when I pulled that one on him. He says something back, but it was not no hot comeback like mine. Well, Al, if I had have had any work and my regular control,

I guess I would have pitched a zero-hit game because the only time they could touch me was when I had to ease up to get them over. Cobb was out of the game, and they told me he was sick, but I guess the truth is that he knowed I was going to pitch. Crawford got a couple of lucky scratch hits off of me because I got in the hole to him and had to let up. But the way that lucky left-handed hill got by was something awful, and if I was as lucky as him, I would quit pitching and shoot craps or something.

Our club can't hit nothing anyway, but batting against this bird was just like hitting fungos. His curveball broke about half an inch, and you could have wrote your name and address on his fast one while it was coming up there. He had good control, but who would not, when they put nothing on the ball? Well, Al, we could not get started

against the Lucky Stiff, and they could not do nothing with me, even if my support was rotten, and I give a couple or three or four bases on balls, but when they was men waiting to score, I zipped them through there so they could not see them, let alone hit them. Every time I

come to the bench between innings, I looked up to where Violet was sitting and give her a smile, and she smiled back, and once I seen her clapping her hands at me after I had made Moriarty pop up in the pinch. Well, we come along to the tenth inning, zero and zero, and all of a sudden we got after him. Bodie hits one, and Shaw gets two strikes and two balls, and then singles. Callahan tells Alcock to Bunt, and he does it,

but Hill sprawls all over himself like the big boob he is, and the bases is full with nobody down. Well, Gleason and Callahan argued about, should they send somebody up for me or let me go up there, and I says, let me go up there, because I can murder this bird. And Callahan says, well, there's nobody out, so go up and take a wall up. Honest, Al, if this guy had have had anything at all, I would have hit one out of the park, but he did not have even a glove. And how can a man hit pitching, which is not no pitching at all, but just slopping them up? When I went up there, I hollered to him and says,

stick one over here now you yellow stiff and he says yes i can stick him over all right and that's where i got something on you well al i hit a foul off of him that would have been a fair ball and broke up the game if the wind had not have been against it then i swung and missed the curve that i don't see how i missed it the next one was a yard outside and his evans calls it a strike he has had it in for me ever since last year when he tried to get funny with me and ice has something back to him that stung him So he calls this third strike on me, and I felt like murdering him. But what is the use? I throwed down my bat and come back to the bench,

and I was glad Callahan and Gleason was out on a coaching line, or they probably would have said something to me, and I would have cut loose and beat them up. Well, Al, Weaver, and Blackburn looked like a couple of rums up there, and we don't score where we ought to have had three or four runs with any kind of hitting. I would have been all okay, in spite of that piece of rotten luck, if this hill had him walked to the bench and not said nothing like a real picture. But what does he do but wait out there till I start for the box,

and I says, Get on to the bench, you lucky stiff, or do you want me to hand you something? He says, I don't want nothing more of yearn. I already got your girl and your goat. Well, Al, what do you think of a man that would say a thing like that? And nobody but a left hand or could have. If I had had a gun, I would have killed him deader than a doornail or something.

He starts for the bench and I hollered at him Wait till you get up to that plate And then I am going to bean you Anastal I was so mad I could not see the plate or nothing I don't even know who it was come up to bat first But whoever it was I hit him in the arm and he walks to first base The next guy bunts and Chase tries to pull off one of them plays of his Instead of playing safe and he don't get nobody

Well I kept getting madder and madder and I walked Stanage who, if I had been myself, would not foul me. Callahan has Scotty warming up, and Gleesons runs out from the bench and tells me, I am through. But Callahan says, Wait a minute, he's going to let Hill hit, and this big stiff ought to be able to get him out of the way,

and that will give Scotty a chance to get warm. Gleeson says, You better not take a chance, because the big busher is hog wild, and they kept arguing till I got sick of listening to them, and I went back to the box and got to the box and got ready to pitch. But when I seen this hill up there,

I forget all about the ball game, and I cut loose at his bean. Well, Al, my control was all okay this time, and I catched him square on the forehead, and he dropped like as if he had been shot. But pretty soon he gets up and gives me the laugh and runs the first base. I did not know the game was over

till Weaver come up and pulled me off the field. But if I had not have been half-starved to death in week, so as I could not put all my stuff on the ball, you can bet that Hill never would have ran the first base, and Violet would have been a widow, and probably a lot better off than she is now. At that, I never should ought to have tried to kill a left-hander by hitting him in the head.

Well, Al, they jumped all over me in a clubhouse, and I had to hold myself back, or I would have gave somebody the beating of their life. Callahan tells me I am fined $50 and suspended without no pay. I asked them what for, and he says, There would not be no use in telling you, because you have not got no brains. I says, yes, I have got some brains.

And he says, yes, but they are in your stomach. And then he says, We wish we had us sent you to Milwaukee. And I come back at him, I says I wish you had of. Well, Al, I guess there is no chance of getting square treatment on his club. And you won't be surprised if you hear me jumping to the Federals where a man is treated like a man and not like no white slave.

Yours truly Jack. Chicago, Illinois, May 2. Al, I have got to disappoint you again, Al. When I got up to get my pay yesterday, they held out $150 on me. $50 of it is what I was fine for losing a one-to-nothing ten- inning game in Detroit when I was so weak that I should ought never to have been set in there. And $100 is the advance money that I drawed last winter, which I had forgot all about, and the club would have forgot about. and the club would have forgot about it too if they was not so tight-fisted. So you see, all I get for two weeks' pay is about $80, and I sent $25 to Flory, so she can't come no non-support business on me.

I am still suspended, Al, and not drawing no pay now, and I got a notion to hire an attorney at law and force them to pay my salary, or else jump to the Federals where a man gets good treatment. Alan is still after me to come over to his flat some night and see his wife and let her talk to me about Flory. But what do I want to talk about Flory for, or talk about nothing to a nut left-hander's wife? The Detroit Club is here, and Cobb is playing because he knows I am suspended, but I wish Callahan would call it off and let me work against him,

and I would certainly love to work against this Joe Hill again, and I bet they would be a different story this time, because I've been getting something to eat. since we've been home and I got back most of my strength. Your old pal Jack. Chicago, Illinois, May 5. Friend Al. Well, Al, if you've been reading the papers, you will know before this letter is received what I'd done.

Before the Detroit Club come here, Joe Hill had win four straight. But he has not win no five straight or won't neither, Al, because I put a crimp in his winning streak just like I knowed I would do if I got a chance when I was feeling good and had all my strength. Callahan asked me yesterday a.m.,

if I thought I had enough rest. And I says, sure, because I did not need no rest in the first place. Well, he says, I thought maybe if I laid you off a few days, you would do some thinking, and if you done some thinking once in a while, you would be a better pitcher. Well, anyway, I worked,

and I wish you could have saw them tigers trying to hit me, Cobb and Crawford Inclusive. The first time Cobb come up, Weaver catched a lucky-line drive off of him, and the next time I eased up a little, and Collins run back and took a fly ball off of the fence. But the other times he come up, he looked like a sucker, except when he come up in the 8th, and then he beat out a bunt, but almost anybody is liable to do that once in a while.

Crawford got a scratch hit between Chase and Blackburn in the second inning, and in the fourth he gave a three-base hit by this Evans, who should ought to be writing for the papers instead of trying to umpire. The ball was two feet foul, and I bet Crawford will tell you the same thing if you ask him. But what I'd done to this hill was awful. I give him my curve twice when he was up there in the third, and he missed it afoot. Then I come with my fastball right past his nose, and I bet if he had not of ducked, it would have drove that big horn of his inn clear up in the press box,

where them rotten reporters sits and smokes their hops. Then, when he was looking for another fast one, I slopped up my slow one, and he is still swinging at it yet. But the best of it was that I practically won my own game. Bodie and Shawk was on when I come up in the fifth, and he'll hollers to me and says, I guess this is where I shoot one of them bean balls. I says, go ahead and shoot, and if you hit me in the head and I ever find it out, I will write and tell your wife what happened to you. You see what I was getting at, Al.

I was insinuating that if he beamed me with his fast one, I would never know nothing about it if somebody did not tell me because his fast one is not fast enough to hurt nobody, even if it should hit them in the head. So I says to him, go ahead and shoot, and if you hit me in the head, and I ever find out, I will write and tell your wife what happened to you. See, Al?

Of course, you could not hire me to write the violet, but I did not mean that part of it in earnest. Well, sure enough, he shot at my bean, and I ducked out of the way, though if it had have hit me, it could not have did no more than tickle. He takes two more shots and misses me, and then Jennings hollers from the bench, What are you doing? Pitching, they're trying to win a cigar! So then Hill sees what a monkey he is making out of himself, and tries to get one over, but I have him three balls and nothing,

and what I done to that gruver was a plenty. She went over Bush's head like a bullet and got between Cobb and Veach and goes clear to the fence. Bodie and Shalk scores, and I would have scored too if anybody else besides Cobb had have been chasing a ball.

I got two bases and Weaver scores me with another wallop. Say I wish I could have heard what they said to that baby on the bench. Callahan was tickled to death and he says, maybe I will give you back the $50 if you keep that stuff up. I guess I will get that $50 back next payday

and if I do, Al, I will pay you the whole $75. Well, Al, I beat them five to four, and with good support, I would have held them to one run, but what do I care as long as I beat them? I wish, though, that Violet could have been there and saw it. Yours truly Jack. Chicago, Illinois, May 29. Old pal?

Well, Al, I have not wrote to you for a long while, but it is not because I have forgot you, and to show I have not forgot you, I am enclosing the $75 which I owe you. It is a money order, Al, and you can get it cash by taking it to Joe Higgins at the P.O. Since I wrote to you, Al, I'm in East with the Club, and I guess you know what I'd done in the East. The athletics did not have no right to win that one game off of me,

and I will get them when they come here the week after next. I beat Boston, and just as good as beat New York twice, because I beat them one game all alone, and then save the other for Eddie Seacott in the ninth inning and shut out the Washington Club and would have done the same thing if Johnson had been working against me instead of this left-handed stiff bowling. Speaking of left-handers, Alan has been going rotten,

and I would not be surprised if they sent him to Milwaukee or Frisco or somewhere. But I got bigger news than that for you, Al. Flory is back, and we are living together in the spare room at Allen's flat, so I hope they don't send them to Milwaukee. or nowhere's else, because it is not costing us nothing for room rent, and this is no more than right after the way the Allens grafted off of us all last winter. I bet you will be surprised to know that I and Florey has made it up, and there is a secret about it, Al, which I can't tell you now, but maybe next month I will tell you, and then you will be more surprised than ever. It is about

I and Florey and somebody else. That is all I can tell you now. We got in this AM, Al, and when I got to my room, there was a slip of paper there telling me to call up a phone number, so I called it up, and it was Allen's flat, and Marie answered the phone. And when I recognized her voice, I was going to hang up the phone. But she says, Wait a minute. Somebody wants to talk with you. And then Flory come to the phone, and I was going to hang up the phone again, when she pulled this secret on me that I was telling you about.

So it is all fixed up between us. Al, and I wish I could tell you the secret, but that will come later. I have taken my baggage over to Allens, and I am there now writing to you while Flory is asleep. And after a while, I am going out and mail this letter and get a glass of beer, because I think I have got one coming now on account of this secret. Florey says she is sorry for the way she treated me, and she cried when she seen me. So what is the use of being nasty, Al, and let bygones be bygones? your pal jack

Chicago Illinois June 16 friend Al Al I beat the athletics 2 to 1 today but I am writing to give you the surprise of your life Old pal I got a baby And he is a boy And we are going to name him Alan

Which Flory thinks is after his uncle and aunt Allen but which is after you old pal And she can call him Alan But I will call him Al Because I don't never go back on my old pals. The baby was born over to the hospital, and it is going to cost me a bunch of money, but I should not worry. This is the secret I was going to tell you, Al, and I am the happiest man in the world, and I bet you are most as tickled to death to hear about it as I am. The baby was born

just about the time I was making McGuinness look like a sucker in the pinch, but they did not tell me nothing about it till after the game, and then they gave me a phone message in the clubhouse. I went right over there, and everything was all over there. And everything was all okay. Little Al is a homely little skate, but I guess all babies is homely and don't have no looks till they get older, and maybe he will look like Flory or I, then I won't have no kick coming. Be sure and tell Bertha the good news, and tell her everything has come out all right, except that the rentman is still after me about that flat I had last winter. And I am still paying the old man $10 a month for that house you got for me, and which has never done me no good.

but I should not worry about money when I got a real family. Do you get that, Al? A real family. Well, Al, I am too happy to do no more writing tonight, but I wanted you to be the first to get the news, and I would have sent you a telegram, only I did not want to scare you. Your pal, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, July 2. Old pal.

Well, old pal, I just come back from St. Louis this a.m., and found things in pretty fair shit. Florey and the baby is out to Allens, and we will stay there till I can find another place. The doctor was out to look at the baby this a.m., and the baby was waving his arm around in the air. And Falari asked, was there something to matter with him that he kept waving his arm? And the doctor says, no, he was just getting his exercise. Well, Al, I noticed that he never waved his right arm, but kept waving his left arm. And I asked the doctor, why was that?

says, I guess he must be left-handed. That made me sore, and I says, I guess you doctors don't know it all. Then I turned round and beat it out of the room. Well, Al, it would be just my luck to have him left-handed, and Flory should ought to have knew better than to name him after Alan. I'm going to hire another doctor and see what he has to say, because they must be some way of fixing babies so as they won't be left-handed. And if necessary, I will cut his left arm off of him.

Oh, of course I would not do that, Al. But how would I feel if a boy of mine turned out like Alan and Joe Hill and some of them other nuts? We have a game with St. Louis tomorrow and a doubleheader on the 4th of July. I guess probably Callahan will work me in one of the 4th of July games on account of the holiday crowd. Your pal Jack. P.S. Maybe I should want to leave the kid left-handed so as he can have some of their luck. the lucky stiffs. End of chapter four.

Chapter 5 of You Know Me, Al. This is a Libravox recording. All Libravox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Libravox.org. Recording by Rick Rodstrom. You know me, Al, by Ring Lardner. Chapter 5, The Bushers Kid. Chicago, Illinois, July 31st, friend Al.

Well, Al, what do you think of little Al now? But I guess I better tell you first what he'd done. Maybe you won't believe what I am telling you, but did you ever catch me telling you a lie? I guess you know you did not, Al. Well, we got back from the east this AM, and I don't have to tell you that we had a rotten trip. And if it had not been for me beating Boston once

and the athletics two times, we would have been shamed to come home. I guess these here other pitchers thought we was having a vacation, and when they go up in the office tomorrow to get their checks, they should ought to be arrested if they take them. I would not go nowhere's near Comiskey if I had not have did better than them others, but I can go and get my pay and feel all okay about it, because I done something to earn it. Me losing that game in Washington was a crime, and Callahan says so himself.

This here Weaver throwed it away for me, and I would not be surprised if, he'd done it from spite work because him and Scott is pals, and probably he did not want to see me winning all damn games when Scott was getting knocked out of the box. And no wonder when he has not got no stuff. I wish I'd knowed for sure that Weaver was throwing me down, and if I knowed for sure, I would put him in a hospital or somewhere. But I was going to tell you what the kid done, now, so here goes. We are still living at Allens and his wife, so I and him come home together from the train. Well, Flory

and Marie was both up, and the baby was up too. That is, he was not up, but he was woke up. I beat it right into the room where he was at, and Flory come in with me. I says, hello, Al, and what do you suppose he'd done? Well, Al, he did not say

hello, pa, or nothing like that, because he is not only one month old. But he smiled at me, just like as if he was glad to see me, and I guess maybe he was at that. I was tickled to death, and I says to Flory, did you see that? And she says,

See what? I says the baby smiled at me. Then she says, They is something to matter with his stomach. I says, I suppose because the baby smiles, that is a sign, there is something to matter with his stomach. And if he had the toothache, he would laugh. She says,

You think you're smart, but I am telling you that he was not smiling at all, but he was making a face because they is something the matter with his stomach. I says, I guess I know the difference if somebody is smiling and making a face, and she says, I guess you don't know nothing about babies because you never had none before. I says, how many of you had? And then she got sore and beat it out of the room. I did not care because I wanted to be in there alone with him and see would he smile at me again. And sure enough, Al, he did. Then I called Alan in, and when the baby sees him,

he began to cry. So you see, I was right and Flory was wrong. It don't take a man no time at all to get wise to these babies, and it don't take them long to know if a man is their father or their uncle. When he began to cry, I chased Alan out of the room and called Flory, because she ought to know by this time how to make him stop crying. But she was still sore, and she says, Let him cry. Or if you know so much about babies, make him stop yourself. I says, maybe he is sick, and she says, I was just telling you that he had a pain in his stomach, or he would not have made that face that you said was smiling at you. I says, do you think we should ought to call the doctor?

But she says, no, if you call the doctor every time he has the stomachache, you might just as well tell him he should bring his trunk along and stay here. She says, All babies have collicked, and they is not no use fussing about it. it, but come and get your breakfast. Well, Al, I did not enjoy my breakfast because the baby was crying all the time, and I know he probably wanted I should come in and visit with him. So I just eat the prunes and drunk a little coffee and did not wait for the rest of it,

and sure enough, when I went back in our room and started talking to him, he started smiling again, and pretty soon he went to sleep. So you see, Al, he was smiling and not making no face, and that was a whole lot of bunk about him having to call it. But I don't suppose I should ought to find fault with Flory for not knowing no better because she has never had no babies before, but still in all, I should think she ought to have learned something about them by this time or asked somebody. Well, Al, little Al is woke up again and is crying, and I just about got time to fix him up and get him asleep again, and then I will have to go to the ballpark because we got a postponed game to play with Detroit, and Callahan

will probably want me to work, though I pitched the next of the last game in New York, and would have gave them a good beating, except for shock dropping that ball at the plate. But I got it on these Detroit Babies, and when my name is announced to pitch, they feel like forfeiting the game. I won't try for no strikeout record, because I want them to hit the first ball and get the game over with quick, so as I can get back here and take care of Little Al. Your pal Jack. P.S.

Babies is great stuff, Al. and if I was you, I would not wait no longer, but would hurry up and adopt one somewhere. Chicago, Illinois, August 15, old pal. What do you think, Al? Kid Gleason is coming over to the flat and look at the baby the day after tomorrow, when we don't have no game scheduled, but we have to practice in the a.m. because we have been going so rotten. I had a hard time making him promise to come, but he is coming,

and I bet he will be glad he come when he has come. I says to him in the clubhouse, do you want to see a real baby? And he says, You're real enough for me, boy. I says, no, I am talking about babies. He says, Oh, I thought you was talking about ice cream soda or something. I says, no, I want you to come over to the flat tomorrow

and take a look at my kid and tell me what you think of him. He says, I can tell you what I think of him without taking no look at him. I think he is out of luck. I says, What do you mean out of luck? But he just laughed and would not say no more. I asked him again, would he come over to the flat and look at the baby?

And he says he had troubles enough without that and kidded along for a while. But finally he seen I was in earnest, and then he says he would come if I would keep the misses out of the room while he was there, because he says if she's seen him, she would probably be sorry she married me. He was just joking, and I did not take no exception to his. his remarks because Flory could not never fall for him after seeing me because he is not no big stropping man like I am but a little runt and look at how old he is. But I am glad he is coming because he will think more of me when he sees what a fine baby I

got, though he thinks a whole lot of me now because look what I'd done for the club and where would they be at if I had jumped to the federal like I once thought I would. I will tell you what he says about little Al and I bet he will say, he never seen no prettier baby, but even if he don't say nothing at all, I will know he is kidding. The Boston Club comes here tomorrow and plays four days, including the day after tomorrow,

when they is not no game. So on account of the off day, maybe I will work twice against him, and if I do, they will wish the grounds had have burned down. Yours truly Jack. Chicago, Illinois, August 17. Al, well, old pal, what did I tell you about what I would do to that Boston club.

And now, Al, I have beat every club in the league this year because yesterday was the first time I beat the Boston Club this year, but now I have beat all of them, and most of them several times. This should ought to have gave me a record of 16 wins and no defeats, because the only games I lost was thrown away behind me. But instead of that, my record is 10 games win and six defeats, and that don't include the games I finished up and helped the other boys win, which is about six more altogether.

But what do I care about my record, Al, because I am not the kind of man that is always thinking about their record and playing for their record, while I am satisfied if I give the club the best I got, and if I win all okay, and if I lose, whose fault is it? Not mine, Al. I ask Callaghan, would he let me work against the Boston Club again before they go away, and he says,

well, yes, I will have to, because you are going to be better than anybody else on the country. club. So you see, Al, he is beginning to appreciate my work, and from now on I will pitch in my regular turn, and a whole lot oftener than that, and probably Comisky will see the stuff I am made from, and will raise my salary next year, even if he has got me signed for three years, and for the same salary I am getting now. But all that is not what I was going to tell you, Al, and what I was going to tell you was about Gleason coming to see the baby, and what he thought about him. I sent Flory and Marie downtown and says

I would take care of Little Al and they was glad to go because Flory says she ought to buy some new shoes though I don't see what she wants of no new shoes when she is going to be tied up in the flat for a long time yet on account of the baby and nobody cares if she wears shoes

in the flat or goes around in her bare feet but I was glad to get rid of the both of them for a while because Little Al acts better when they is not no woman round and you can't blame them. The baby was woke up when Gleason come in, and I and him went right in the room where he was laying. Gleason takes a look at him and says,

Well, that is a mighty fine baby, and you must have bought him. I says, what do you mean? And he says, I don't believe he is your own baby, because he looks humaner than most babies. And I says, why should not he look human? And he says, why should he? Then he goes to work and picks the baby right up, and I was as scared he would drop him, because even I have not never picked him up, though I am his father and would be scared of hurting him. I says, here, don't pick him up, and he says, why not?

He says, are you going to leave him on that there bed the rest of his life? I says, no, but you don't know how to handle him. He says, I have handled a whole lot of bigger babies than him, or else Callahan would not keep me. Then he starts patting the baby's head, and I says, here, don't do that, because he has got a soft spot in his head, and you might hit it.

He says, I thought he was your baby. And I says, well, he is my baby. And he says, well, then, they can't be no soft spot in his head. Then he lays little Al down because he's seen I was in earnest, and as soon as he lays him down, the baby begins to cry. Then Gleason says, see, he don't want me to lay him down? And I says, maybe he has got a pain in his stomach.

And he says, I would not be surprised, because he just took a good look at his father. But little Al did not act like as if he had a pain in his stomach, and he kept sticking his finger in his mouth and crying. And Gleason says, He acts like as if he had a toothache. I says, how could he have a toothache when he has not got no teeth? He says,

That is easy. I have saw a lot of pitches complain that their arm was sore when they did not have no arm. Well, he asked me what was the baby's name, and I told him Alan, but that he was not named after my brother-in-law, Alan. And Gleason said,

I should hope not. I should hope you would have better sense than to name him after a left-hander. So you see, Al, he don't like them no better than I do, even if he does jolly Alan and rustle along and make them think they can pitch. Pretty soon he says, What are you going to make out of him?

A ball player? I says, I am going to make a hitter out of him so as he can join the White Sox, and then maybe they will get a couple of runs once in a while. He says, If I was you, I would let him pitch, and then you won't have to give him no education. Besides, he says,

he looks now like he would develop into a great spitter. Well, I happen to look out of the window and seen Florian Marie coming across Indiana Avenue and I told Gleason about it, and you ought to have seen him run. I asked him what was his hurry, and he says it was in his contract that he was not to talk to no women, but I know he was kidding, because I already seen him talking to several of the players' wives when they was on trips with us, and they acted like as if they thought he was a regular comedian. Though they really is nothing funny about what he says,

only it is easy to make women laugh when they have not got no grouch on about something. Well, Al, I am glad Gleason has sawed the baby, and maybe he will fix it with Callahan, so as I won't have to go to morning practice every a.m. Because I should ought to be home taking care of Little Al when Flory is washing the dishes or helping Marie round the house. And besides, why should I wear myself all out in practice? Because I don't need the practice pitching, and I could hit as well as the rest of the men on our club if I never seen no practice. After we get through with Boston, Washington comes here, and then we go to St. Louis and Cleveland, and then come home and then go east again. And after that, we are pretty near through, except the City Series.

Callahan is not going to work me no more after I beat Boston again, till it is this Hare Johnson's turn to pitch for Washington. And I hope it is not his turn to work the first game of the series, because then I would have gotten no rest between the last game against Boston and the first game again. Washington. But rest or no rest, I will work against this here, Johnson, and show him up for giving me that trimming in Washington. Don't lucky stiff. I wish I had a team like the athletics behind me, and I would lose about one game every six years, and then they would have to get all the best of it from these rotten umpires. Your pal Jack. New York, New York, September 16. Friend Al, Al, it is not no fun running around the country no more, and I wish this damn trip was over, so as I could go home and see how little Al is getting along, because Flory has not wrote since we was in Philly, which was the first stop on this trip.

I am as scared there is something to matter with the little fellow, or else she would have wrote. But then, if there was something to matter with him, she would have sent me a telegram or something and let me know. So I guess they can't be nothing to matter with him. Still in all, I don't see why she has not wrote when she knows or should ought to know that I would be worrying about the baby. If I don't get no letter tomorrow, I am going to send her a telegram and ask her, what is the matter with him? Because I am positive she would have wrote if there was not something to matter with him.

The boys has been trying to get me to go out nights and see a show or something, but I have got no heart to go to shows. Besides, Callahan has not gave us no pass to no show on this trip. I guess probably he is sore, an account of the rotten way the club has been going, but still he should not ought to be sore on me, because I have win three out of my last four games, and would have win the other if he had not started me against him with only one day's rest and the athletics at that, who a man should ought not to pitch against if he don't feel good.

I asked Alan if he had heard from Marie, and he says, yes, he did, but she did not say nothing about Little Al, except that he was keeping her awake nights bowling. So maybe, Al, if Little Al is bowling, there is something wrong with him. I am going to send Floria telegram tomorrow, that is if I don't get no letter. If there is something to matter with him, I will ask Callahan to send me home. And he won't want to do it, neither, because who else has he got that is a regular winner? But if Little Al is sick and Callahan won't let me go home, I will go home anyway. You know me, Al. Yours truly Jack.

Boston, Massachusetts, September 24. Al, I bet if Flory was a man, she would be a left-hander. What do you think she done now, Al? I sent her a telegram from New York when I did not get no letter from her and she did not pay no attention to the telegram. Then when we got up here, I sent her another telegram and it was not more than five minutes

after I sent the second telegram till I got a letter from her. And it said the baby was all okay, but she had been so busy taking care of him that she had not had no time to write. Well, when I got the letter, I chased out to see if I could catch the boy who had took my telegram.

But he'd went already, so I was spending 60 cents for nothing. Then what does Flory do? But send me a telegram after she got my second telegram and tell me that little Al is all okay, which I know all about then because I had just got her letter. And she sent her telegram COD, and I had to pay for it at this end, because she had not paid for it,

and that was 60 cents more. But I bet if I had of knew what was in the telegram before I read it, I would have told the boy to keep it and would not have gave him no 60 cents. But how did I know if Little Al might not have taken sick after Flory had wrote the letter? I am going to write and ask her if she's trying to send us both to the poorhouse or somewhere's with her telegrams. I don't care nothing about the 60 cents, but I like to see a woman use a little judgment, though I guess that is impossible. It is my turn to work today, and tonight we start west, but we have got to stop off at Cleveland on the way. I have got a notion to ask Callahan to let me go right on through the shy if I win today

and not stop off at No Cleveland, but I guess they would not be no use because I have got that Cleveland Club lick the minute I put on my glove. So probably Callahan will want me with him, though it don't make no difference if we win or lose now because we have not got no chance for the pennant. One man can't win no pennant-in-all. I don't care who he is. Your pal Jack.

Chicago, Illinois, October 2. Friend Al. Well, old pal, I am all through till the city series, and it is all fixed up that I am going to open the series and pitch three of the games if necessary. The club has went to Detroit to wind up the season, and Callahan did not take me along, but left me here with a couple other pitchers and Billy Sullivan, and told me all I would have to do was go over to the park the next three days and warm up a little so as to keep in shape. I don't need to be in no shape to beat them Cubs, Al. But it is a good thing that Alan was taking on a trip to Detroit,

or I guess I would have killed him. He has not been going good, and he has been acting and talking nasty to everybody because he can't win no games. Well, the first night we was home after the trip, Little Al was having a bad night and was bowling pretty hard, and they could not nobody in the flat get no sleep. Flory says he was having the colict,

and I says, why should he have the colict all the time when he did not drink nothing but milk? She says she guessed the milk did not agree with him and upset at his stomach. I says, well, he must take after his mother if his stomach gets upset at every time he takes a drink, because if he took after his father, he could drink a whole lot and not never be affected. She says, you should ought to remember he has only got a little stomach and not a great big reservoir. I says, well, if the milk don't agree with him, why don't you? give him something else? She says, yes, I suppose I should ought to give him weeny worst or

something. Alan must have heard us talking because he hollered something, and I did not hear what it was, so I told him to say it over, and he says, give the little cross-eyed brat poison, and we'd all be better off. I says you better take poison yourself, because maybe a rotten pitcher like you could get by in the league where you're going when you die. Then I says, besides, I would rather my baby was cross-eyed than to have him left-handed. He says, It is better for him that he is cross-eyed, or else he might get a good look at you, and then he would have to shoot himself. I says, is that so? And he shut up. Little Al is not no more cross-eyed than you or I are, Al, and that was what made me sore?

Because what right did Alan have to talk like that when he knowed he was lying? Well, the next morning, Alan nor I did not speak to each other, and I seen he was for the way he had talked, and I was willing to fix things up, because what is the use of staying sore at a man that don't know no better? But all of a sudden he says, When are you going to pay me what you owe me? I says, what do you mean? And he says, you've been living here all summer,

and I've been paying all the bills. I says, did not you and Marie ask us to come here and stay with you, and it would not cost us nothing? He says, yes, but we did not mean it was a life sentence. you are getting more money than me, and you don't never spend a nickel. All I have to do is pay the rent and buy your food, and it would take a millionaire or something to feed you. Then he says, I would not make no holler about you grafting off of me

if that brat would shut up nights and give somebody a chance to sleep. I says, you should ought to get all the sleep you need on the bench. Besides, I says, who done the grafting all last winter, and without no invitation? If he had said another word, I was going to bust him, but just then Marie come in and he shut up. The more I thought about what he said, and him a rotten left-hander, that it should ought to be hustling freight, the more matter I got, and if he had have opened his head to me the last day or two before he went to Detroit, I guess I would have finished him.

But Marie stuck pretty close to the both of us when we was together, and I guess she'd know there was something in the air and did not want to see her husband get the worst of it, though if he was my husband and I was a woman, I would push him under a streetcar. But Al, I won't even stand for him saying that I am grafting off of him, and I and Flory will get away from here and get a flat of her own as soon as the City Serious is over. I would like to bring her and the kid down to Bedford for the winter, but she won't listen to that. I almost forgot, Al, to tell you to be sure and thank Bertha for the little dress she made for Little Al. I don't know if it will fit him or not, because Flory has not yet yet.

tried it on him yet, and she says she's going to use it for a dishrag, but I guess she is just kidding. I suppose you seen where Callahan took me out of that game down to Cleveland, but it was not because I was not going good, Al, but it was because Callahan seen he was making a mistake wasting me on that bunch who almost any pitcher could beat. They beat us that game at that, but only by one run, and it was not no fault of mine because I was took it out before they got the run that give them the game. Your old pal Jack. Chicago, Illinois, October 4. Friend Al.

Well, Al, the club winds up to season at Detroit tomorrow, and the Syria starts the day after tomorrow, and I will be in there giving them a battle. I wish I did not have nobody but the Cubs to pitch against all season, and you bet I would have a record that would make Johnson and Matthewson and some of them other swell heads look like a dirty deuce. I and Flore and Marie has been having an argument about how could Flory go and see the city serious games

when there is not nobody here that can take care of the baby because Marie wants to go and see the games too, even though there is not no more chance of Callahan starting Allen than a rabbit or something. Flory and Marie says I should ought to hire a nurse to take care of little Al. And Flory got pretty sore when I told her nothing doing because in the first place I can't afford to pay no nurse a salary and in the second place I would not trust no nurse to take care of the baby

because how do I know the nurse is not nothing but a grafter or a dope fiend maybe and should ought not to be left with the baby. Of course Flory wants to see me pitch and a man can't blame her for that, but I won't leave my baby with no nurse, Al, and Flore will have to stay home and I will tell her what I'd done when I get there. I might have gave my consent to having a nurse at that if it had not have been for the babies getting so sick last night when I was taking care of him while Flory and Marie and Allen was out to a show, and if I had not have been home, there is no telling what would have happened.

It is a cinch that none of them bonehead nurses would have knew what to do. Alan must have been out of his head, because right after supper, he says he would take the two girls to a show. I says, all right, go on, and I will take care of the baby. Then Flory says, Do you think you can take care of him all okay? And I says, have I not taken care of him before already? Well, she says, I will leave him with you, only don't run into him every time he cries.

I says, why not? And she says, because it is good for him to cry. I says, you have not got no heart, or you would not talk that way. They all give me the laugh, but I let me. them get away with it because I am not picking no fights with girls, and why should I bust this Alan when he don't know no better and has got no baby himself? I did not want to do nothing that would stop him taking the girls to a show because it is time he spent a piece of money on somebody. Well, they all went out, and I went in on the bed and played with the baby.

I wish you could have saw him, Al, because he is old enough now to do stunts, and he smiled up at me and waved his arms and legs around and made a noise like as if he was trying to say paw. I did not think Flory had gave him enough covers, so I wrapped him up in some more and took a blanket off of the big bed and stuck it round him so as he could not kick his feet out and catch cold. I thought once or twice he was going off to sleep, but all of a sudden he began to cry, and I seen there was something wrong with him. I gave him some hot water, but that made him cry again, and I thought it made him. he was too cold yet, so I took another blanket off of Alan's bed and wrapped that round him.

But he kept on crying and trying to kick inside the blankets, and I seen then that he must have colic or something. So pretty soon I went to the phone and called up our regular doctor, and it took him pretty near an hour to get there, and the baby bawling all the time. And when he come, he says there was nothing to matter, except that the baby was too hot, and told me to take all them blankets off of him, and then soaked me to take me to $2. I had a notion to bust his jaw. Well, pretty soon he beat it, and then little

Al began crying again, and kept getting worse and worse, so finally I got us scared and run down to the corner where another doctor is at, and I brung him up to see what was the matter, but he said he could not see nothing to matter, but he did not charge me a cent, so I thought he was

not no robber like a regular doctor, even if he was just as much of a boob. The baby did not cry none while he was there, But the minute he had went, he started crying and bawling again, and I seen there was no use of fooling no longer. So I looked around the house and found the medicine the doctor left for Alan when he had a stomach ache once,

and I gave the baby a little of it in a spoon. But I guess he did not like the taste, because he hollered like an Indian. And finally I could not stand it no longer, so I called the second doctor back again, and this time he seemed that the baby was sick, and asked me what I had gave it. And I told him some stomach medicine,

and he said I was a fool and should not ought to have gave the baby nothing. But while he was talking, the baby stopped crying and went off to sleep, so you see what I'd done for him was the right thing to do, and them doctors was both off for their nut. This second doctor soaked me $2 the second time, though he had not did no more than when he was there the first time, and charged me nothing. But there is all a bunch of robbers, Al,

and I would just as leave trust a policeman. Right after the baby went to sleep, Flory and Marie and Alan come home, and I told Flory what had come off. But instead of giving me credit, she says, If you want to kill him, why don't you take an axe? Then Alan butts in and says, Why don't you take a ball and throw it at him? Then I got sore and says,

Well, if I did hit him with a ball, I would kill him. While if you was to throw that fastball of yours at him and hit him in the head, he would think the mosquitoes was biting him and brushed them off. But at that I says, you could not hit him with the ball, except you was aiming at something else. I guess there was no comeback to that, so him and Marie went to their room. Alan should ought to know better than to try and get the best of me by this time,

and I would shut up anyway if I was him after getting sent home from Detroit with some of the rest of them when he only worked three innings up there, and they had to take him out or play the rest of the game by electric lights. I wish you could be here for the serious, Al, but you would have to stay at a hotel because we have not got no spare room and it would cost you a whole lot of money. But you can watch the papers and you will see what I'd done. Yours truly Jack. Chicago, Illinois, October 6.

Dear old pal, probably before you get this letter, you will have saw by the paper that we was licked in the first game and that I was took it out. but the papers don't know what really come off, so I am going to tell you, and you can see for yourself, if it was my fault. I did not never have no more stuff in my life than when I was warming up, and I seen the cubs looking over to our bench and shaking their heads like they know they did not have no chance. O'Day was going to start Cheney, who was their best bet, and had him warming up, but when he seen the smoke I had,

when I in shock was warming up, he changed his mind. because what was the use of using his best pitcher when I had all that stuff, and it was a cinch that no club in the world could score a runoff of me when I had all that stuff. So he told a couple of others to warm up, too. And when my name was announced to pitch, Cheney went and sat on the bench, and this here left-hander Pierce was announced for them. Well, Al, you will see by the paper, or I sent the first three batters back to the bench to get a drink of water,

and all three of them good hitters. Leach and Good and this here sire that hits a whole lot of home runs, but would not never hit one off of me if I was okay. Well, we scored a couple in our half, and the boys on the bench all says, Now you got enough to win easy, because they won't never score none off of you, and they was right, too,

because what chance did they have if this thing that I am going to tell you about had not have happened? We goes along seven innings, and only two of their men had got to first, base, one of them on a bad peg of weavers, and the other one I walked, because this blind Evans don't know a ball from a strike. We had not did no more scoring off a Pierce, not because he had no stuff, but because our club could not take a ball in their hands and hit it out of the infield. Well, Al, I did not tell you that before I come out to the park, I kissed Little

Al and Flory goodbye, and Marie says she was going to stay home too and keep Flory company, and they was not no reason for Marie to come to the game anyway because they was not a chance in the world for Alan to do nothing but hit fungos. Well, while I was doing all this here swell pitching and making them cubs look like a lot of rummies, I was thinking about Little Al and Flory and how glad they would be when I come home and told them what I had done. Though, of course, Little Al is not only a little over three months of age,

and how could he appreciate what I had done? But Flory would. Well, Al, when I come in to the bench, after their half of the seventh, I happened to look up to the press box to see if the reporters had gave Schultz a hit on that one weaver throwed away. And who do you think I seen in a box right alongside of the press box? It was Flory and Marie, and both of them clapping their hands and hollering with the rest of the bugs. Well, old pal, I was never so surprised in my life, and it just took all the heart out of me. What was they doing there, and what had they did with the baby?

How did I know that little Al was not sick or maybe dead and bowling his head off, and nobody round to hear him? I tried to catch Flory's eyes, but she would not look at me. I hollered her name, and the bugs looked at me like as if I was crazy, and I was too, Al. Well, I seemed there was no use of standing out there in front of the stand, so I come into the bench, and Alan was sitting there, there, and I says, did you know your wife and Flory was up there in the stands? He says, no. And I says,

what are they doing here? And he says, what would they be doing here? Bending their stockings? I felt like busting him, and I guess he's seen I was mad, because he got up off of the bench and beat it down to the corner of the field where some of the others was getting warmed up. So why should they have anybody warming up when I was going so good? Well, Al, I made up my mind That ball game or no ball game I was not going to have little Al left alone no longer And I seen there was no use of sending word to Flory to go home

Because they was a big crowd And it would take maybe 15 or 20 minutes For somebody to get up to where she was at So I says to Callahan, you have got to take me out He says, What is the matter? Is your arm gone? I says, no, my arm is not gone but my baby is sick and home all alone. He says,

Where is your wife? And I says, She is sitting up there in the stand. Then he says, How do you know your baby is sick? And I says, I don't know if he was sick or not, but he has left home all alone.

He says, Why don't you send your wife home? And I says, I could not get word to her in time. He says, Well, you have only got two innings to go, and the way you're going, the game will be over in ten minutes. I says yes, and before ten minutes is up, my baby might die, and are you going to take me out or not?

He says, get in there and pitch, you yellow dog. And if you don't, I will take your share of the serious money away from you. By this time, our part of the inning was over, and I had to go out there and pitch some more, because he would not take me out, and he has not got no heart, Al. Well, Al, how could I pitch when I could I pitch when I could. kept thinking maybe the baby was dying right now, and maybe if I was home I could do something. And instead of paying attention to what I was doing, I was thinking about little Al

and looking up there to where Florey and Marie was sitting, and before I knowed what come off, they had the bases full, and Callahan took me out. Well, Al, I run to the clubhouse and changed my clothes and beat it for home, and I did not even hear what Callahan and Gleason says to me when I went by them, but I found out after the game that Scott went in and finished up, and they batted him pretty hard, and we was licked three to two. When I got home, the baby was crying, but he was not all alone after all, Al, because they was a little girl about 14 years of age there watching him, and Flory had hired her to take care of him, so as her and Marie could go and see the game. But just think, Al, of leaving little Al with a

girl of 14 years of age that did not never have no babies of her own, and what did she know about taking care of him. Nothing, Al. You should ought to have heard me ball Florey out when she got home, and I bet she cried near enough to flood the basement. We had it hot and heavy, and the Allen's butted in, but I soon showed them where they was at and made them shut their mouth. I had a good notion to go out and get a whole lot of drinks, and was just going to put on my hat, when the doorbell rung, and there was Kid Gleason. I thought he would be sore and probably try to ball me, out and I was not going to stand for nothing but instead of bowling me out he come and shook hands with me and introduced himself to Flory and asked how was

little Al well we all sat down and Gleason says the club was depending on me to win the serious because I was in the best shape of all of the pitchers and besides the cubs could never hit me when I was right and he was telling the truth too so he asked me if I would stand for the club hiring a train nurse to stay with the baby the rest of the serious so as Flory could go and see her husband win the serious but i says no i would not stand for that and florrie's place was with the baby so glason and flory goes out in the other room and talks a while and i guess he was persuading her to stay home because pretty soon they come back in the room and says it was all fixed up and i would not have to worry about little al the rest of the

serious but could give the club the best i got gleason just left here a little while ago and i won't work tomorrow, Al, but I will work the day after, and you will see what I can do when I don't have nothing to worry me. Your pal, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, October 8, old pal. Well, old pal, we got them two games to one now,

and the serious is sure to be over in three more days, because I can pitch two games in that time, if necessary. I shut them out today, and they should ought not to have had four hits, but should ought to have had only two, but Bodie don't cover no ground, and two fly balls that he should ought to have eat up fell safe.

But I beat them anyway, and Ben's beat them yesterday, that why should he not beat them when the club made six runs for him? All they made for me was three, but all I needed was one, because they could not hit me with a shovel. When I come back to the bench after the fifth inning, there was a note there for me from the boy that answers the phone at the ballpark, and it says that somebody just called up from the flat and says the baby was asleep and getting along flying.

So I felt good, Al, and I was better than ever in the sixth. When I got home, Flory and Marie was both there and asked me, how did the game come out? Because I beat Al in home, and I told them all about what I'd done. And I bet Florey was proud of me, but I suppose Marie is a little jealous, because how could she help it when Callahan is depending on me to win the series, and her husband is wearing out the wood on the bench?

But why should she be sore when it is me that is winning the series for them? and if it was not for me, Alan and all the rest of them would get about $500 a piece instead of the win his share, which is about $750 a piece. Seacot is going to work tomorrow, and if he is lucky, maybe he can get away with the game, and that will leave me to finish up the day after tomorrow. But if necessary, I can go in tomorrow when they get to hitting Seacot and stop them, and then come back the following day and beat them again. Where would this club be at, Al, if you're not.

I had have jumped to the federal. Yours truly Jack. Chicago, Illinois, October 11, friend Al. We done it again, Al, and I guess the Cubs won't never want to play us again, not so long as I am with the club. Before you get this letter, you will know what we've done, and who done it,

but probably you could have guessed that, Al, without seeing no paper. I got two more of them phone messages about the baby during the game, and I guess that was what made me so good, because I know Den and Flory was taking care of him, but I could not help feeling sorry for Flory because she is a bug herself, and it must have been pretty hard for her to stay away from the game, especially when she knew I was going to pitch, and she has been pretty good to sacrifice her own pleasure for Little Al. Seacot was knocked out of the box the day before yesterday,

and then they give this here Faber a good beating. But I wish you could have saw what they'd done to Allen when Callahan sent him in after the game was gone already. Honest Al, if he had not been my brother-in-law, I would have felt like laughing at him, because it looked like as if they would have to call the fire department to put the side out. They had Bodie and Collins hollering for help, and with their tongue hanging out from running back to the fence. Anyway, the serious is all over, and I won't have nothing to do but stay home and play with little Al, but I don't know yet where my home is going to be at, because it is a cinch I won't stay with Alan no longer.

He has not come home since the game, and I suppose he is out somewhere, as lapping up some beer, and spending some of the winters shared the money, which he would not have had no chance to get in on if it had not been for me. I will write and let you know my plans for the winter, and I wish Florey would agree to come to Bedford,

but nothing doing, Al, and after her staying home and taking care of the baby, instead of watching me pitch, I can't be too hard on her, but must leave her have her own way about something. Your pal, Jack. Chicago, Illinois, October 13. Al, I am all through with Florey, Al,

and I bet you when you hear about it, you won't say it was not no fault of mine, but no man living was any kind of man would act different from how I am acting if he had been deceived like I'd been. Al, Florey and Marie was out to all, them games and was not home taking care of the baby at all. And it is not her fault that little Al is not dead

and that he was not killed by the nurse they hired to take care of him while they went to the games when I thought they was home taking care of the baby. And all them phone messages was just fakes. And maybe the baby was sick all the time I was winning them games and bawling his head off instead of being asleep like they said he was. Alan did not never come home at all the night before last, and when he come in yesterday he was a little. sight. And I says to him,

Where have you been? And he says, I've been down to the YMCA, but that is not none of your business. I says, yes, you look like as if you've been to the YMCA, and I know where you have been, and you have been outlushing beer.

And he says, suppose I have, and what are you going to do about it? And I says nothing, but you should ought to be ashamed of yourself and leaving Marie here while you was out lapping up beer. Then he says, Did you not leave Flory home

While you was getting away with them games, You lucky stiff? And I says, yes, but Florey had to stay home And take care of the baby But Marie don't never have to stay home Because where is your baby? You have not got no baby. He says, I would not want

No cross-eyed baby like Yorton. Then he says, So you think Flory stayed to home And took care of the baby, do you? And I says, What do you mean? And he says, you better ask her. So when Flory come in and heard us talking, she busted out crying.

And then I found out what they put over on me. It was a wonder, Al, that I did not take some of that cheap furniture them Allen's got and busted over their heads, Alan and Flory. This is what they done, Al. The club give Flory $50 to stay home and take care of the baby. And she said she would. And she was to call up every so often and tell me the baby was all okay. But this year Marie told her she was a sucker, so she hired a nurse for part of the $50, and then her and Marie went to the games and beat it out quick after the games was over,

and come home in a taxi cab and chased the nurse out before I got home. Well, Al, when I found out what they'd done, I grabbed my hat and goes out and got some drinks, and I was so mad I did not know where I was at or what come off, and I did not get home till this a.m. And they was all asleep, and I've been asleep. all day. And when I woke up, Marie and Allen was out, but Florey and I have not spoke to each other, and I won't never speak to her again. But I now know what I am going to do, Al, and I'm going to take Little Al and beat it out of here, and she can sue me for a bill of divorce, and I should not worry,

because I will have Little Al, and I will see that he is taken care of, because I guess I can hire a nurse as well as they can, and I will pick out a trained nurse that knows something. Maybe I and him and the nurse will come to Bedford, Al, but I don't know yet, and I will write and tell you as soon as I make up my mind. Did you ever hear of a man getting a rotten or deal, Al? And after what I'd done in a series, too. Your pal Jack Chicago, Illinois, October 17.

Old pal. I and Flory has made it up, Al, but we are through with Marie and Allen. And I and Flory and the baby is staying at a hotel here on Conveld. Cottage Grove Avenue, the same hotel we was at when we got married, only, of course, they was only the two of us then. And now, Al, I want to ask you a favor, and that is for you to go and see Old Man Cutting and tell him I want to renew the lease on the house for another year, because I and Flory has decided to spend the winter in Bedford, and she will want to stay there and take care

of Little Al while I am away on trips next summer, and not staying no high-price flat up here. and maybe you and Bertha can help her around the house when I am not there. I will tell you how we come to fix things up, Al, and you will see that I made her apologize to me, and after this she will do what I tell her to, and won't never try to put nothing over. We was eating breakfast. I and Flore and Marie.

Alan was still asleep yet, because I guess he must have had a bad night, and he was snoring so as you could hear him in the next street. I was not saying nothing to nobody, but pretty soon Flory says to Marie, I don't think you and Alan should ought to kick on the baby crying when Alan's snoring makes more noise than a whole wagon load of babies. And Marie got sore and says, I guess the man has got a right to snore in his own house,

and you and Jack has been grafting off of us long enough. Then Florey says, What did Alan do to help win the serious and, get that $750. Nothing but sit on the bench, except when they was making him look like a sucker, the one inning he pitched. The trouble with you and Alan

is you are jealous of what Jack has did, and you know he will be a star up here in the big league when Alan is tending bar, which is what he should ought to be doing, because then he could get stewed for nothing. Marie says, Take your brat and get out of the house. And Flory says,

don't you worry because we would not stay here no longer if you hired us. So Flory went in her room and I followed her in and she says, Let's pack up and get out. Then I says, yes, but we won't go nowhere together after what you done to me, but you can go where you damn please, and I and Little Al will go to Bedford. Then she says, You can't take the baby because he is mine, and if you was to take him, I would have you arrested for kidnapping.

Besides, she says, what would you feed him, and who would take care of him? I says, I would find somebody to take care of him, and I would get him food from a restaurant. She says, he can't eat nothing but milk. And I says, well, he has the colict all the time when he is eating milk, and he would not be no worse off if he was eating watermelon. Well, she says, if you take him, I will have you arrested and sue you for a bill of divorce for desertion. Then she says, Jack, you should not ought to find no fault with me for going to them games, because when a woman has a husband that can pitch like you can, do you think she wants to

stay home and not see her husband pitch when a lot of other women is cheering him and making her feel proud because she is his wife? Well, Al, as I said right along, it was pretty hard on Flory to have to stay home, and I could not hardly blame her for wanting to be out there where she could see what I'd done. So what was the use of arguing? So I told her I would think it over. And then I went out, and I went and seen an attorney at law, and asked him, could I take Little Alloway? And he says, No, I did not have no right to take him away from his mother, and besides, it would probably kill him to be taken away from her. And then he soaked me $10, the robber. Then I went back and told Flory, I would give her another chance,

and then her and I packed up and took little Al in a taxi cab over to this hotel. We are through with the Allen's, Al, and let me know right away if I can get that lease for another year, because Flory has gave up, and will go to Bedford or anywhere else with me now. Yours truly Jack. Chicago, Illinois, October 18,

Friend Al, old pal, I won't never forget your kindness. And this is to tell you that I and Flore accept your kind invitation to come and stay with you till we can find a house, and I guess you won't regret it none, because Flory will liven things up for Bertha, and Bertha will be crazy about the baby,

because you should ought to see how cutie is now, Al, and not yet four months old, but I bet he will be talking before we know it. We are coming on the train that leaves here at noon Saturday, Al, and the train leaves here about 12 o'clock, and I don't know what time it gets to Bedford, but it leaves here at noon, so we shall be there probably in time for supper.

I wish you would ask Ben Smith, will he have a hack down to the depot to meet us, but I won't pay no more than $25, and I should think he ought to be glad to take us from the depot to your house for nothing. Your pal Jack. P.S. The train we are coming leaves here at noon now, and we'll probably get us there in time for late supper,

and I wonder if Bertha would have spare ribs in crowd for supper. You know me, Al. End of chapter 5. Chapter 6 of You Know Me, Al. This is a Libravox recording. All Libravox recordings are in the public domain. For more information, or to volunteer, please visit Libravox.org. Recording by Rick Rodstrom.

You Know Me, Al, by Ring Lardner, Chapter 6, The Busher Beats It Hence. Chicago, Illinois, October 20, friend Al. I guess maybe you will begin to think I don't never do what I am going to do and that I changed my mind the whole lot because I wrote and told you that I in Flory and Little Al would be in Bedford today

and here we are in shy yet on the day when I told you we would get to Bedford and I bet Bertha and you and the rest of the boys will be disappointed but Al I don't feel like as if I should ought to leave the White Sox in a hole and that is why I am here yet, and I will tell you how it come off,

but in the first place I want to tell you that it won't make a difference of more than five or six or maybe seven days at least, and we will be down there and see you and Bertha and the rest of the boys just as soon as the New York Giants and the White Sox leaves here and starts around the world.

Also, I remember, I told you to fix it up so as a hack would be down to the depot to meet us tonight, and you won't get this letter in time to tell them not to send no one. hack. So I suppose the hack will be there, but maybe they will be somebody else that gets off of the train that will want to hack, and then everything will be all okay. But if there is not nobody else that wants to hack, I will pay them half of what they was going to charge me if I had have came

and rode in the hack, though I don't have to pay them nothing because I am not going to ride in the hack. But I want to do the right thing, and besides, I will want to hack at the depot when I do come, so they will get a piece of money out of me anyway, so I don't see where they got no kick coming, even if I don't give them a nickel now. I will tell you why I am still here, and you will see where I am trying to do the right thing. You note, of course, that the White Sox and the New York Giants

was going to make a trip around the world, and they've been after me for a long time to go along with them, but I says, no, I would not leave Flory and the kid, because that would not be fair. And besides, I would be paying rent and gross money, for them somewheres, and me not getting nothing out of it. And besides, I would probably be spending a whole lot of money on the trip, because though the clubs pays all of our regular expenses,

they would be a whole lot of times when I felt like blowing myself and buying something to send home to the missus and to good old friends of mine like you and Bertha. So I turned them down, and Callahan acted like he was sore at me. But I don't care nothing for that, because I got other people to think about, and not Callahan. And besides, if I was to go along, the fans in the towns where we play at would want to see me work. And I would have to do a whole lot of pitching, which I would not be getting nothing for it,

and it would not count in no standing, because the games is to be just for fun. And what good would it do me? And besides, Flory says, I was not under no circumstances to go. And, of course, I would go if I wanted to go, no matter whatever, she says. But all in all, I turned them down, and says, I would stay here. all winter, or rather I would not stay here but in Bedford. Then Callahan says, All right, but you know before we start on the trip,

the Giants in us is going to play a game right here in Shoy next Sunday. And after what you done in the city serious, the fans would be sore if they did not get no more chance to look at you. So will you stay and pitch part of the game here? And I says, I would dink it over, and I come home to the hotel where we are staying at, and asked Flory, did she care if we did not go to Bedford for another week, and she says, no, she did not care if we don't go for six years.

So I called Callahan up and says, I would stay, and he says, That's my boy, and now the fans will have another treat. So you see, Al, he appreciates what I'd done, and wants to give the fans fair treatment, because this town is nuts over me after what I'd done to them cubs, but I could do it just the same to the athletes, or anybody else, if it would have been them instead of the Cubs. Maybe we will leave here the a.m. after the game that is Monday,

and I will let you know, so as you can order another hack, and tell Bertha I hope she did not go to no extra trouble about getting ready for us, and did not order no spare ribs and crout, but you can eat them up if she already got them, and maybe she can order some more for us when we come, but tell her it don't make no difference, and not to go to no trouble, because most anything, she has is okay for Flory and I,

except of course we would not to make no meal off of sardines or something. Well, Al, I bet them New York Giants will wish I would have went home before they come for this here exhibition game, because my arm feels great, and I will show them where they would be at if they had

to play ball in our league all the time, though I suppose there is some pitchers in our league that they would hit good against them if they can hit at all, but not me. You will see in the papers how I come out, and I will write and tell you about it. Your pal Jack. Chicago, Illinois, October 25th.

Old pal. I have not only got a little time, but I have got some news for you, and I know you would want to hear all about it, so I am writing this letter, and then I am going to catch the train. I would be saying goodbye to Little Al instead of writing this letter,

only Flory won't let me wake him up, and he is asleep, but maybe by the time I get this letter wrote, he will be awake again, and I can say goodbye to him. I am going with the White Sox and Giants as far as San Francisco, or maybe Vancouver, where they take the boat at, but I am not going around the world with them,

but only just out to the coast to help them out, because there is a couple of men going to join them out there, and until them men join them, they will be short of men, and they got a whole lot of exhibition games to play before they get out there, so I am going to help them out. It all come off in the clubhouse after the game today, and I will tell you how it come off, but first I want to tell you about the game,

and Honest Al, them Giants is the luckiest team in the world, and it is not no wonder they keep winning the pennant in that league, because a club that has got their luck could win ball games without sending no team on the field at all, but staying down to the hotel. There was a big crowd out to the park, so Callahan says to me, I did not know if I was going to pitch you or not,

but the crowd is out here to see you, so I will have to let you work. So I warmed up, but I know the minute I throwed the first ball warming up that I was not right, and I says to Callaghan, I did not feel good, but he says, You won't need to feel good to beat this bunch,

because I heard a whole lot about you, and you would have them beat if you just throw your glove out there in the box. So I went in and tried to pitch, but my arm was so lame it pretty near killed me every ball I throwed. And I bet if I was some other pitchers, they would not never have tried to work with my arm so sore. But I am not like some of them yellow dogs and quit,

because I would not disappoint the crowd or throw Callahan down when he wanted me to pitch and was depending on me. You know me, Al. So I went in there, but I did not have nothing. And if them giants could have hit at all, instead of like a lot of little girls, they would have knocked down the fence.

because I was not myself. At that, they should not ought to have had only the one run off of me if Weaver and them had not of begin kicking the ball around like it was a football or something. Well, Al, what with dropping fly balls and booting them around, and this and that, the Giants was gave five runs in the first three innings, and they should ought to have had just the one run, or maybe not that. And that ball Merkel hit into the seats I was trying to waste it,

and a man that is a good hitter would not never have. hit at it, and if I was right, this here Merkel could not foul me in nine years. When I was coming into the bench after the third inning, this here smart Alec McGraw come past me from the third base coaching line, and he says, are you going on this trip? And I says, no, I am not going on no trip. And he says, that's too bad, because if you was going, we would win a whole lot of games. And I give him a hot comeback, and he did not say nothing. So I went into the bench and Callahan says, Them joints is not such rotten hitters, is they? And I says, no, they hit pretty good when a man

has got a sore arm against them. And he says, why did you not tell me your arm was sore? And I says, I did not want to disappoint no crowd that come out here to see me. And he says, well, I guess you need not pitch no more, because if I left you in there, the crowd might begin to get tired of watching you about ten o'clock tonight. And I says, what do you mean? And he did not say nothing more. So I sat there a while and then went to the clubhouse. Well, Al, after the game, Callahan come in to the clubhouse, and I was still in there yet, talking to the trainer and getting my arm rubbed. And Callahan says, are you getting your arm in shape for next year? And I says, no, but it gives me so much pain I could not stand it.

And he says, I bet if you was feeling good, you could make those joints look like a sucker. And I says, you know I could make them look like a sucker. And he says, Well, why don't you come along with us? And you'll get another chance at them when you feel good. And I says,

I would like to get another crack at them, but I could not go away on no trip and leave the misses and the baby. And then he says he would not ask me to make the whole trip around the world, but he wished I would go out to the coast with them because they was hard up for pitchers and he says Matthewson of the Giants was not only going as far as the coast.

So if the Giants had Darestar pitcher that far the White Soxed ought to have Darren And then some of the other boys coaxed me would I go? So finally I says, I would think it over And I went home and seen Flory And she says, How long would it be for? And I says, about three or four weeks.

And she says, If you don't go, will we start for Bedford right away? And I says yes, and then she says, All right, go ahead and go. But if they was anything should happen to the baby while I was gone, what would they do if I was not around to tell them what to do? And I says, call a doctor in, but don't call no doctor if you don't have to. And besides, you should ought to know by this time what to do for the baby when he got sick.

And she says, course I know a little, but not as much as you do, because you know it all. And I says, No, I don't know it all, but I will tell you some things before I go, and you should not ought to have no trouble. So we fixed it up, and her and Little Al is to stay here in the hotel until I come back, which will be about the 20th of November, and then we will come down home and tell Bertha not to get too impatient, and we will get there sometime. It is going to cost me $6 a week at the hotel for a room for she and the baby besides their meals, but the baby's meals don't cost nothing yet, and Flory should not ought to be very hungry because we've

been living good, and besides, she will get all she can eat when we come to Bedford, and it won't cost me nothing for meals on the trip out to the coast, because Comisky and McGraw pays for that. I have not even had no time to look up where we play at, but we stop off at a whole lot of places on the way, and I will get a chance to make them. giants look like a sucker before I get through, and McGraw won't be so sorry I am not going to make the whole trip. You will see by the papers what I dunt them before we get through, and I will write as soon as we stop somewhere as long enough, so as I can write. And now I am going to say goodbye to little Al, if he is awake or not awake, and wake him up and say goodbye to him, because even if he is not

only five months old, he is old enough to think a whole lot of me, and why not? I also got to say goodbye to Flory and fix it up with the hotel clerk about she and the baby staying here a while and catch the train. You will hear from me soon, old tal, your pal Jack. St. Joe Mississippi, October 29, friend Al. Well, Al, we are on our way to the coast, and they is quite a party of us, though it is not no real white socks and giants at all, but some players from off of both clubs, and then some others that is from other clubs around the two leagues to fill up. We got Speaker from the Boston Club and Crawford from the Detroit Club,

and if we had them with us all the time, Al, I would not never lose a game because one or the other of them, too, is good for a couple of runs every game, and that is all I need to win my games is a couple of runs, or only one run, and I would win all my games and would not never lose a game. I did not pitch today, and I guess the Giants was glad of it, because no matter what McGraw says, he must have saw from watching me Sunday that I was a real pitch, Though my arm was so sore, I could not hardly raise it over my shoulder, so no wonder I did not have no stuff.

But at that I could have beat his gang without no stuff, if I had had some kind of decent support. I will pitch against them maybe tomorrow or maybe someday soon, and my arm is all okay again now, so I will show them up and make them wish Callahan had have left me to home. Some of the men has brung their wife along, and besides that there is some other men, and their wife that is not no ball players but are going along for the trip, and some more will join the party out the coast before they get aboard the boat. But of course, I and Mathewson will drop out of the party then, because why should I or him go around the world

and throw our arms out pitching games that don't count no standing and that we don't get no money for pitching them outside of just our bare expenses? The people in the towns we played at so far has all wanted to shake hands with Matthewson and I, so I guess they know who is the real pitchers on these here two clubs, no matter what them, reporters, says, and the stars is always the men that the people wants to shake their hands with, and make friends with them.

But Al, this here Matthewson pitched today, and honest, Al, I don't see how he gets by. And either the batters in the National League don't know nothing about hitting, or else he is such an old man that they feel sorry for him, and maybe when he was about 10 years younger than he is, maybe then he had something and was a pretty fair pitcher, but all he does now is stick the first ball right over with nothing on it and pray that they don't hit it out of the park.

If a pitcher like key can get by in the National League and fool them batters, they is nothing I would like better than to pitch in the National League, and I bet I would not get scored on in two to three years. I heard a whole lot about this here fade away that he is supposed to pitch, and it is a ball that is thrown out between two fingers and falls in at a right hand batter and nobody can't hit it. But if he throwed one of them things today,

he'd done it while I was asleep, and they was not no time when I was not wide awake and looking right at him. And after the game was over, I says to him, where is that fade away I heard so much about? And he says, Oh, I did not have to use none of my regular stuff against your club. And I says, well, you would have to use all you got if I was working against you,

and he says, yes, if you worked like you done Sunday, I would have to do some pitching, or they would not never finish the game. Dan I says about me having a sore arm Sunday, and he says, I wished I had a sore arm like yorn, and a little sense with it, and was your age, and I would not never lose a game. So you see, Al, he has heard about me and is jealous, because he has a little bit. not got my stuff, but they can't everybody expect to have the stuff that I got, or half as much stuff. This smart Alec McGraw was trying to kid me today and says,

Why did not I make friends with Matthewson and let him learn me something about pitching? When I says, Matthewson could not learn me nothing, and he says, I guess that's right, and I guess there is not nobody could learn you nothing about nothing. And if you was to stay in the league 20 years, probably, you would not be no better than you. are now. So you see, he had to admit that I am good, Al, even if he has not saw me work when my arm was okay. McGraw says to me, tonight, he says, I wished you was going all the way. And I says, yes, you do. I says, your club would look like a sucker after I had worked against them a few times, and he says, maybe that's right too, because they would not know how to hit against a regular

pitcher after that. Then he says, but I don't. don't care nothing about that. But I wished you was going to make the whole trip, so as we could have a good time. He says, We got Steve Evans and Duck Schaefer going along, and there is both of them funny. But I like to be around with boys that is funny

and don't know nothing about it. I says, well, I would go along only for my wife and baby, and he says, Yes, it would be pretty tough on your wife to have you away that long, but still in all, think how glad. she would be to see you when you come back again. And besides, them dolls across the ocean

will be pretty sore at I in Callahan if we tell them we left you to home. I says, do you suppose the people over there has heard about me? And he says, sure, because they have wrote a lot of letters asking to be sure to bring you and Matthewson along. Then he says, I guess Matthewson is not going. So if you was to go, and him let him,

here to home, there would be nothing to it. You could have things all your own way, and probably could marry the Queen of Europe if you was not already married. He was giving me the straight dope this time, Al, because he did not crack a smile, and I wished I could go along, but it would not be fair to Flory. But still and all, did not she leave me and beat it for Texas last winter? And why should not I do the same thing to her? Only I am not that kind of man. You know me, Al. We play in Kansas City tomorrow, and maybe I will work there, because it is a big town. And I have got to close now and write the flory.

Your old pal Jack. Abilene, Texas, November 4. Al? Well, Al, I guess you know by this time that I have worked against them two times since I wrote to you last time, and I beat them both times. And McGraw knows now what kind of pitcher I am, and I will tell you how I know. because after the game yesterday, he rode down to the place we dressed at a long time with me, and all the way in the automobile, he was after me to say I would go all the way around the world, and finally had come out that he wants I should go along and pitch for his club and not pitch for the White Sox.

He says his club is up against it for pitchers, because Matthewson is not going, and all they got left is a man named him that is a young man and not got no experience, and Wiltsy that is a left-hander. So he says, I have tucked it over with Callahan, and he says, if I could get you to go along, it was all okay with him. And you could pitch for us,

only I must not work you too hard, because he is dependent on you to win the pennant for him next year. I says, did not none of the other white socks make no holler, because maybe they might have to bat against me? And he says,

yes, Crawford and Speaker says, they would not make the trip if you was along and pitching against them. But Callahan showed them where it would be good for them next year, because if they hit against you all winter, the pictures they hit against next year will look easy to them. He was crazy to have me go along on the whole trip, but of course Al day is no chance of me going on account of Florey and Little Al. But you see, McGraw has cut out his trying to kid me

and is treating me now like a man should ought to be treated, that has done what I'd done. They was not, no game here today on account of it raining, and the people here was sore because they did not see no game, but they all come around to look at us and says they must have some speeches from the most prominent men in the party, so I and Kamiski and McGraw and Callahan and Mathewson and Ted Sullivan, that I guess is putting up the money for the trip,

made speeches, and they clapped their hands harder when I was making my speech than when any one of the others was making their speech. You did not know I was a speechmaker, did you, Al? And I did not know it neither until today. But I guess there is not nothing I can do if I make up my mind. And one of the boys says that I'd done just as well as Dummy Taylor could have. I have not heard nothing from Flory, but I guess maybe she is too busy taking care of Little Al to write no letters.

And I am not worrying none because she give me her word, she would let me know was they something to matter. Yours truly, Jack. San Diego, California, November 9. Friend Al, Al, sometimes I wished I was not married at all. And if it was not for Flore and Little Al, I would go around the world on this here trip.

And I guess the boys in Bedford would not be jealous if I was to go around the world and see everything they is to be saw. And some of the boys down home has never been no farther away than Terre Haute, and I don't mean you, Al, but some of the other boys. But of course, Al, when a man has got a wife and a baby, they is not no chance for him to go away on one of these here trips and leave them alone.

So there is not no use I should even think about it. But I can't help thinking about it, because the boys keeps after me all the time to go. Callahan was talking about it to me today, and he says he knows that if I was to pitch for the Giants on the trip, his club would not have no chance of winning the most of the games on the trip. But still in all, he wished I would go along because he was as scared the people over in Rome and Paris and Africa and them other countries would be awful sore if the two clubs come over there without bringing none of their star pitchers along.

He says, we got Speaker and Crawford and Doyle and Thorpe, and some of them other real stars in all of the positions except pitcher, and it will make us look bad if you and Matheson don't neither one of you come along. I says, What is the matter with Scott and Ben's and this here left-hander Wilsey? And he says, There's not nothing the matter with none of them, except there is not no real stars like you and Matthewson.

And if we can show them foreigners one or two of you, we will feel like we was cheating them. I says, You would not want me to pitch my best against your, club, would you? And he says, Oh no, we would not want you to pitch your best or get yourself all war out for next year.

But I would want you to let up enough so as we could make a run once in a while, so the games would not be too unsighted. I says, well, there is not no use talking about it, because I could not leave my wife and baby. And he says,

Why don't you write and ask your wife? And tell her how it is and can you go? I said, No, because she would make a big holler. And besides, of course, I would go anyway if I wanted to go without no yes or no from her. Only I am not the kind of man that runs off and leaves his family. And besides, there is not nobody to leave her with, because her and her sister Alan's wife has had a quarrel. Then Callahan says, where is Alan now?

Is he still in showy? I says, I don't know where he is at, and I don't care where he is at. Because I am through with him. Then Callahan says, I asked him would he go on the trip before the season was over, but he says he could not. And if I'd know where'd was he, I would wire a telegram to him and ask him again.

I says, what would you want him along for? And he says, because McGraw is sure you have pictures. And he says, I would try and help him find one. I says, well, you should ought not have no trouble finding a man like Alan to go along, because his wife probably would be glad to get rid of him. Then Callahan says, Well, I wish you would get a hold of where Alan is at,

and let me know so I can wire him a telegram. Well, Al, I know where Alan is at all okay, but I am not going to give his address to Callahan, because McGraw has treated me all okay, and why should I wish a man like Alan on him? And besides, I am not going to give Alan no chance to go around the world, or nowhere's else, after the way he acted about I and Flory having a room in his flat and asking me to pay for it, when he gave me an invitation to come there and stay.

Well, Al, it is too late now to cry into sour milk. But I wish I had never saw Flory until next year, and then I and her could get married just like we'd done last year, only I don't know would I do it again or not. But I guess I would on account of Little Al. Your pal Jack San Francisco, California, November 14. Old pal.

Well, old pal, what do you know about me being back here in San Francisco, where I give the fans such a treat two years ago, and then I was not nothing but a busher, and now I am with a team that is going around the world and are crazy to have me go along, only I can't because of my wife and baby. Callahan wired a telegram to the reporters here from Los Angeles, telling them I would pitch here,

and I guess they is going to be 20, or 25,000 out to the park, and I will give them the best I got. But what do you think Flory has did, Al? Her and the Allens has made it up their quarrel and his friends again, and Marie told Flory to write and tell me she was sorry we had that their argument, and let bygones be bygones. Well, Al, it is all okay with me, because I can't help not feeling sorry for Alan,

because I don't believe he will be in the league next year, and I feel sorry for Marie too, because it must be pretty tough on her to see how well her sister done and what a mistake she made when she went and fell for a left-hander that could not fool a blind man with his curveball, and if he was to hit a man in the head with his fastball, they would think they're nose-itched. In Florey's letter, she says she thinks us and the Allens

could find another flat like the one we had last winter and all live in it together instead of going to Bedford. But I have wrote to her before I started writing, this letter already and told her that her and I is going to Bedford, and the Allens can go where they feel like, and they can go and stay on a boat on Michigan Lake oil winter if they want to, but I and Flory is coming to Bedford. Down to the bottom of her letter, she says Alan wants to know if Callahan or McGraw is shy of pitchers, and maybe he would change his mind and go along on the trip. Well, Al, I did not ask either Callahan nor McGraw, nothing about it. because I know they was looking for a star,

and not for no left-hander that could not break a pane of glass with his vast one, so I wrote and told Flory to tell Alan they was all filled up and would not have no room for no more men. It is pretty near time to go out to the ballpark, and I wish you could be here, Al, and hear them San Francisco fans go crazy when they hear my name announced the pitch. I bet they wish they had have had me here this last year. Yours truly Jack.

Medford, Oregon, November 16. Friend Al. Well, Al, you know by this time that I did not pitch the whole game in San Francisco, but I was not taken out because they was hitting me, Al, but because my arm went back on me all of a sudden. And it was the change in the climate that had done it to me, and they could not hire me to try and pitch another game in San Francisco. They was the biggest crowd there that I ever seen in San Francisco,

and I guess they must have been 40,000 people there, and I wish you could have heard them yell when my name was announced a pitch. But Al, I would never have went in there but for the crowd. My arm felt like a wet rag or something, and I knowed I would not have nothing. And besides, the people was packed in around the field, and they had to have ground rules. So when a man hit a fly ball, it went into the crowd somewhere and was a two-bagger.

And all them giants could do against me was, Pop my fastball up in the air, and then the wind took hold of it and dropped it into the crowd. The lucky stiffs. Doyle hit three of them pop-ups into the crowd, so when you see them three two-base hits opposite his name and the score, you will know there was not no real two-base hits, and the infielders would have catched them had it not have been for the wind. This here Doyle takes an awful wallop in a ball, but if I was right and he swang in a ball the way he done in San Francisco, the catcher would already be throwing me back the ball

about the time this here Doyle was swinging at it. I can make him look like a sucker, and I done it both in Kansas City and Bonham, and if he will get up there and bat against me when I feel good, and when there is not no wind blowing, I will bet him a $25 suit of clothes that he can't foul one off of me. Well, when Callahan's seen how bad my arm was,

he says, I guess I should ought to take you out and not run no one. chance of you getting killed in there. And so I quit, and Faber went in to finish it up, because it don't make no difference if he hurts his arm or not. But I guess McGraw knowed my arm was sore too, because he did not try and kid me like he'd done that day and shy, because he has saw enough of me since then to know I can make his club look rotten when I am okay, and my arm is good. On the train that night he come up and says to me, We catched you off your stride today, or you would have gave us a beaten.

And then he says, What your arm needs is more work, and you should ought to make the whole trip with us, and then you would be in fine shape for next year. But I says, you can't get me to make no trip, so you might as well not do no more talking about it. And then he says, Well, I am sorry, and the girls over in Paris will be sorry, too.

but I guess he was just joking about the last part of it well out we go to one more town in Oregon and then to Washington but of course it is not the same Washington we play at in the summer but this is the state Washington and have not got no big league club and the boys gets their boat in four more days and I will quit them and then I will come straight back to shy and from there to Bedford your pal Jack

Portland Oregon November 17 friend Al. I have just wrote a long letter to Flory, but I feel like as if I should ought to write to you, because I won't have no more chance for a long while. That is, I won't have no more chance to mail a letter, because I will be on the Pacific Ocean, and unless we should run past the boat that was coming the other way, they would not be no chance of getting no letter mailed. Old pal, I am going to make the whole trip clear around the world, them back, and so I won't see you this winter after all. But when I do see you, Al, I will have a lot to tell you about my trip, and besides, I will write you a letter about it from every place we head in at. I guess you will be surprised about me changing my mind and making the whole trip, but

they was not no way for me to get out of it, and I will tell you how it all come off. While we was still in that there Medford yesterday, McGraw and Callahan come up to me and says, was they not no chance of me changing my mind about making the whole trip. I says, no, they was not. Then Callahan says, well, I don't know what we're going to do then. And I says why, and he says, Kimiski just got a letter from President Wilson, the President of the United States. And in the letter, President Wilson says he got another letter from the King of Japan who says that they would not stand for the white socks and joints coming to Japan, unless they brought all their stars along. And President Wilson says they would have to take their stars along,

because he was as scared if they did not take their stars along. Japan would get mad at the United States and start a war, and then where would we be at? So Kamiski wired a telegram to President Wilson and says Matthewson could not make the trip because he was so old, but would everything be all okay if I was to go away? long and President Wilson wired a telegram back and says yes he had been talking to the priest from Japan and he says yes it would be all okay I asked him would they show me the letter from President Wilson because I thought maybe they might be kidding me and they says they could not show me no letter because when Kamiski got the letter he got so mad that he tore it up well al I

I finally says I did not want to break up their trip but I know Flory would not stand for letting me go So Callahan says, Oh, right, I will wire a telegram To a friend of Moyne and Shoy And have him get a hold of Alan And send him out here And we will take him along And I says, it is too late for Alan to get here in time

And McGraw says, No, there was a train that only took two days from shy To wherever it was the boat is going to sail from Because the train come around through Canada And it was downhill all the way and I says, well, if you will wire a telegram to my wife and fix things up with her, I will go along with you. But if she is going to make a holler, it is all off. So we all three went to the telegram office together, and we wired Flore a telegram that must have cost $2.

But Callahan and McGraw paid for it out of their own pocket. And then he waited around a long time, and the answer come back, and the answer was longer than the telegram we wired, and it says it would not make no difference to her, but she did not know if the baby would make a holler, but he was hollering most of the time anyway, so that would not make no difference. But if she let me go, it was on condition that her and the Allens could get a flat together

and stay in shy all winter and not go to know Bedford and hire a nurse to take care of the baby. And if I would send her a check for the money I had in the bank, so as she could put it in her name and draw it out when she needs, it. Well, I says at first I would not stand for nothing like that, but Callahan and

McGraw showed me where I was making a mistake, not going, when I could see all damn different countries and tell Flory about the trip when I come back, and then in a year or two, when the baby was a little older, I could make another trip and take Little Al and Flory along.

So I finally says, okay. I would go, and Wii wires still another telegram to Flory and told her, okay. And then I sat down and wrote her a check for half the money I got in the bank. And I got 500 altogether there, so I wrote the check for half of that, or $250, and mailed it to her. And if she can't get along on that, she would be an awful spend drift, because I am not only going to be away until March. You should ought to have heard the boys cheer when Callahan tells them I am going to make the whole trip,

but when he tells them I am going to pitch for the Giants and not for the White Sox, I bet Crawford and Speakers and them wished I was to stay home. But it is just like Callahan says. If they bat against me all winter, the pitchers they bat against next seasons will look easy to them. And you won't be surprised, Al, if Crawford and Speaker hits about 500 next year. And if they hit good, you will know why it is.

Steve Evans asked me, was I all fixed up with Clove, and I says no, but I was going out and buy some clothes, including a full dress suit of evening clothes, and he says, You don't need no full dress suit of evening clothes, because you look funny enough without him. This Evans is a great kidder, Al, and nobody never gets sore at the stuff he pulls. Something like Kid Gleason. I wish Kid Gleason was going on the trip, Al, but I will tell him all about it when I come back. well Al old pal I wished you was going along too and I bet we could have the time of our life

but I will write to you right along Al and I will send Bertha some postcards from the different places we head in at I will try and write you a letter on the boat and mail it as soon as we get to the first station which is either Japan or Yokohama I forget which goodbye Al and say goodbye to Bertha for me and tell her how sorry I and Flory is that we can't come to bed this winner, but we will spend all the rest of the winners there, and her and Flore

will have plenty of time to get acquainted. Goodbye, old pal. Your pal, Jack. Seattle, Washington, November 18. Al. Well, Al, it is all off, and I am not going on no trip around the world and back, and I've been looking for Callahan or McGraw for the last half hour to tell them I have changed my mind, and I'm not going to make no trip.

because it would not be fair to Flory. And besides that, I think I should ought to stay home and take care of Little Al and not leave him to be taken care of by no train nurse because how do I know what she would do to him? And I am not going to tell Flory nothing about it, but I am going to take the train tomorrow night right back to Shai and surprise her when I get there, and I bet both her and Little Al will be tickled to death to see me.

I suppose McGraw and Callahan will be sore at me for a while, but when I tell them I want to do the right thing and not give my family no raw deal, I guess they will see where I am right. We was to play two games here, and I was to play one of them in the coma and the other here, but it rained, and so we did not play neither one, and the people was pretty mad about it because I was announced to pitch, and they figured probably this would be their only chance to see me in action, and they made an awful holler, but Kamiski says no, they would not be no game.

because the field neither here nor in Tacoma was in no shape for a game, and he would not take no chance of me pitching and maybe slipping in the mud and straining myself. And then where would the White Sox be at next season? So we've been laying around all the PM, and I and Dutch Schaefer had a long talk together while some of the rest of the boys was out buying some clothes to take on the trip, and now I bought a full-dress suit of evening clothes at Portland yesterday, and now I owe Callahan the money for them,

and I'm not going on no trip, so probably I won't never get to wear them, and it is just $45 throw it away. But I would rather throw $45 away than go on a trip around the world and leave my family all winter. Well, Al, I and Schaefer was talking together, and he says,

well, maybe this is the last time we will ever see the good old U.S. And I says, what do you mean? and he says, people that goes across the Pacific Ocean most generally always has their shipwrecked, and then there is not no more ever heard from them. Then he asked me, was I a good swimmer? And I says, yes, I had swam a good deal in the river.

And he says, yes, you have swam in the river, but that is not nothing like swimming in the Pacific Ocean. Because when you swim in the Pacific Ocean, you can't move your feet. Because if you move your feet, the sharks come up, up to the top of the water and bites at them. Even if they did not bite your feet clean off, their bite is poison and gives you the hydrophobia. And when you get that, you start barking like a dog and the water runs into your mouth and chokes you to death.

Then he says, of course, if you can swim without using your feet, you are all okay. But there is very few that can do that, and especially in the Pacific Ocean, because they got to keep using their hands all the time to scare the swordfish away. So when you don't there use your feet and your hands is busy, you got nothing left to swim with but your stomach muscles. Then he says, You should ought to get long okay because your stomach muscles should ought to be strong from the exercises they get. So I guess there is no danger from a man like you, but men like Wiltsy and Mike Donlin that is not hog fat like you is not got no chance.

Then he says, Of course, they have been times when the boats got across all okay and only a few lives lost, but it don't often happen. And the time the old Minneapolis club made the trip, the boat went down, and the only thing that was saved was the catchers protector that was full of air and could not do nothing else but float. Then he says, Maybe you would float, too, if you did not say nothing for a few days.

I asked him how far would a man got to swim if something went wrong with the boat, And he says, oh, not far, because there is a whole lot of islands along the way that a man could swim to, but it would not do a man no good to swim to these here islands because they don't have nothing to eat on them. And a man would probably starve to death unless he happened to swim to the sandwich islands. Then he says, but by the time you've been out on the Pacific Ocean a few months, you won't care if you get anything to eat or not. I says, why not? and he says,

The Pacific Ocean is so rough that nothing can sit still, not even the stuff you eat. I asked them how long did it take to make the trip across if they was not no shipwreck? And he says, they should ought to get across along in February if the weather

was good. I says, well, if we don't get there until February, we won't have no time to train for next season. And he says, you won't need to do no training because this trip will take all the weight off of you and everything else you got. Then he says, But you should not always be scared of getting seasick

because there is one way you can get away from it, and that is eat nothing at all while you were on the boat. And they tell me you don't eat hardly nothing anyway, so you won't miss it. Then he says, Of course, if we should have good luck and not get into no shipwreck and not get shot by one of them warships, we will have a great time when we get across. because all the girls in Europe in them places is nuts over ballplayers, and especially stars.

I asked, what did he mean saying we might get shot by one of them warships? And he says, well, you would have to pass by Switzerland, and Switzerland warships was all the time shooting all over the ocean. And of course, they was not trying to hit nobody, but they was as wild as most of them left-handers. And how could you tell what they was going to do next? Well, Al, after I got through talking to Schaefer, I run into Jack Sheridan, the umpire, and I says I did not think I would go on no trip, and I told him some of the things Schaefer was telling me,

and Sheridan says Schaefer was kidding me, and they was not no danger at all. And of course, Al, I did not believe half of what Schaefer was telling me, and that has not got nothing to do with me changing my mind. But I don't think it is not hardly fair for me to go away on a trip like that, and leave Flory and the baby, and suppose some of them things really did happen, like Schaeper said. Though, of course, he was kidding me. But if one of them was to happen,

they would not be nobody left to take care of Florey and little Al. And I got a thousand dollar insurance policy, but how do I know after I am dead if the insurance company comes across and gives my family the money? Well, Al, I will mail this letter and then try again and find McGraw and Callahan, and then I will look up a timetable and see what, What train can I get to shy?

I don't know yet when I will be in Bedford, and maybe Flory is hired a flat already, but the Allens can live in it by themselves. And if Alan says anything about I paying for half of the rent, I will bust his jaw. Your pal, Jack. Victoria, Canada, November 19. Dear old Al. Well, old pal, the boat goes tonight, and I am going along. And I would not be taking no time to write this letter.

only I wrote to you yesterday and says I was not going, and you probably would be expecting to see me blow into Bedford in a few days. And besides Al, I got a whole lot of things to ask you to do for me, if anything happens. And I want to tell you how it come about that I changed my mind and I'm going on the trip. I am glad now that I did not write Flory no letter yesterday and tell her I was not going, because now I would have to write her another letter and tell her I was going. And she would be expecting to see me the day after she got the first letter, and instead of seeing me, she would get the second letter, and not me at all.

I have already wrote her a goodbye letter today, though, and while I was writing it out, I almost broke down and cried. And especially when I thought about leaving Little Al so long, and maybe when I see him again, he won't be no baby no more, or maybe something will have happened to him, or that train nurse did something to him, Or maybe I won't never see him again no more because it is pretty near a cinch

that something will either happen to I or him. I would give almost anything I got, Al, to be back and shy with Little Al and Flory, and I wish she had not have never wired that telegram telling me I could make the trip. And if something happens to me, think how she will feel, whenever she thinks about wiring me that telegram, and she will feel almost like as if she was a murderer.

Well, Al, after I had wrote you that letter yesterday, I found Callahan and McGraw, and I told them I have changed my mind and am not going on no trip. Callahan says, what's the matter? And I says, I don't think it would be fair to my wife and baby. And Callahan says, your wife says it would be all okay because I seen the telegram myself. I says, yes, but she don't know how dangerous the trip.

is. And he says, Who's been kidding you? And I says, they has not, nobody been kidding me. I says, Dutch Schaefer told me a whole lot of stuff, but I did not believe none of it. And that has not got nothing to do with it. I says, I am not as scared

at nothing, but suppose something should happen, and then where would my wife and baby be at? Then Callahan says, Schaefer has been given you a whole lot of hot hair, and there is not no more danger on this trip than they isn't bed. You've been in a whole lot

more danger when he was pitching some of them days when you had a sore arm and he would be taking more chances of getting killed in Shoy by one of them taxi cabs or the dog catcher than on the ocean. This here boat we are going on in is the umpires of Japan and it has

went across the ocean a million times without nothing happening. And they could not nothing happen to a boat that the New York Giants was riding on because they is too lucky. Then I says, well, I have made up my mind to not go on no trip. And he says, Well, right, then, I guess we might as well call the trip off.

And I says, why? And he says, You know what President Wilson says about Japan? And they won't stand for us coming over there without you along. And then McGrawes says, Yes, it looks like the trip was off, because we don't want to take no chance of starting no war between Japan and the United States. Then Callahan says, You will be in foined with Kamiski if he has to call the trip off because you are scared of getting hit by a fish.

Well, Al, we talked and argued for an hour or an hour and a half, and some of the rest of the boys come round and took Callahan and McGraw's side, and finally Callahan says it looked like as if they would have to postpone a trip a few days until he could get a hold of Allen or somebody and get them to take my place. So finally I says I would go, because I would not want to break up no trip after they made all their plans.

And some of the players' wives was all ready to go and would be disappointed if they was not no trip. So McGraw-Callahan says that's the way to talk. And so I am going, Al, and we are leaving tonight. And maybe this is the last letter you will ever get from me. But if there does not nothing happen, Al, I will write to you a lot of letters and tell you all about the trip. But you must be looking for no more letters for a while,

until we get to Japan, where I can mail a letter, and maybe it's likely as not we won't never get to Japan. Here is the things I want to ask you to try and do, Al, and I'm not asking you to do nothing if we get through the trip all right. But if something happens and I should be drowned, here is what I am asking you to do for me. And that is to see that the insurance company don't skin Flory out of that $1,000 policy,

and see that she also gets that other $250 out of the best. bank and find her someplace down in Bedford to live, if she is willing to live down there, because she can live there a whole lot cheaper than she can live in shy. And besides, I know Bertha would treat her right and help her out all she could. Also, Al, I want you and Bertha to help take care of little Al until he grows up big enough to take care of himself. And if he looks like as if he was going to be left-handed, don't let him, Al, but make him use his right hand for everything. Well, Al, they is one good thing, and that is if I get drowned,

Flory won't have to buy no lot in no cemetery and hire no hearse. Well, Al, old pal, you always been a good friend of mine, and I always tried to be a good friend of Yorne, and if they was ever anything I'd done to you that was not okay, remember bygones' bighons' bighons. I want you to always think of me as your best old pal. Goodbye, old pal. Your old pal Jack.

P.S. Al, if they should not, nothing happen, and if he was to get across the ocean all okay, I am going to ask McGraw to let me work the first game against the White Sox in Japan, because I should certainly ought to be right after giving my arm arrest and not doing nothing at all on the trip across, and I bet if McGraw lets me work, Crawford and Speaker will wish the boat had of sank.

You know me, Al. End of Chapter 6. End of You Know Me, Al, by Rig Lardner.