Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Addiction and Acceptance

Episode Date: July 21, 2023

Today's episode focuses on two listener-submitted questions that touch the core of personal struggles and the human spirit. First, a nationwide issue that haunts many - coping with a loved one's addiction. How does one continue living a fulfilling life when a family member, in this case, a child, is spiraling out of control? In the second half, I address a rarely discussed feeling of shame associated with serving in the military but not having been deployed. This listener, like many others, carries the weight of this guilt silently, feeling that they didn't do enough despite their honorable discharge. Sign up for the new G14 newsletter here: https://www.clearedhotpodcast.com/exclusive Check out the newest Cleared Hot Gear here: https://shop.clearedhotpodcast.com/  

All right, ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Friday, Q&A, two for the day. One kind of serious. One less serious. I don't know. You guys can pick. But let's just get into it. Away we go.

Okay, copy. West of the smoke. I'm looking at danger close now. All right, let's do this. I hope everybody had a good week. Ready to get it in the weekend. I know I am. I got two questions for today, like I mentioned.

And one of them is a little bit lighter, one of them a little bit heavier, but I think applicable to, well, I know it's applicable to anybody who has parents. So we'll end on that one and start with this one. So here we go. Good morning, longtime listener, first time writer. I would appreciate your opinion on the current topic, as I feel I can't be the only one who feels this way. Yesterday, while I was standing with my kids, wearing one of your t-shirts, a man pointed at the flag on the sleeve and said, Army, question mark. I shook my head and replied Marines. He then told me he was in the Army and I thanked him for his service and shook his hand.

He then placed his hand on my shoulder and said, thank you for making it back safely. And then the shame sank in as it always does. I wanted to be a Marine since I was a kid. So that's what I did. The pipeline I wanted to follow was infantry, then tried to get myself to sniper school. Although my recruiter, who was actually looking out for me, talked me into picking an MOS that can transfer into the civilian world once I get out. So with my superior ASVAB score, which is an aptitude test for people joined in the military, the options were limited, so motor transport it was. Within a few

months of leaving, my now wife found out that we were pregnant. So without putting my life on total hold, we moved my contract to a reserve contract to be more present for them. After finishing schooling and arriving at my unit, small deployments in other countries would present themselves, but always get shot down. Later to find out that the unit I was with was considered non-deployable. The main reason I'm riding you, or I'm riding, is for a long time I've been embarrassed of my service. Never allowed the opportunity to deploy it like everyone else in this era. I never openly tell anyone I served at all. It's, in fact, something I avoid in most cases. I got out honorably, but there's just nothing to be honorable about when so much more could have been done.

I'm sure I can't be the only one who struggles with this, and I was curious what your input is. This is similar to a question that I have answered in the past, but I keep getting questions like this. So let's give it another stab. My question back to you would be, what kind of measuring stick are you using? because there's essentially two. One of them, I think, can be really beneficial and rewarding. And the other one, I think, can be very detrimental and lead you to feeling like you do right now. The first stick, measurement stick that I should say, that I think people should use.

And actually probably the only one that I think that they should use is measuring yourself against your former self. It sounds to me like you have put that one aside or forgotten about it and are spending your time measuring yourself against other people or other things or other accomplishments. And I'm here to tell you right now that there is no end to the game that you are choosing to play. Let's say you had joined and you did four years and you got to deploy overseas like you wanted to. How are you going to feel when you meet the person who has been in for twice as long as you were and did twice as much? or the person that was in twice as long as that person who went to a different command and did four times as much of all of you put together. Or what about the person that has all of the military awards and you weren't able to get any of them because without any control over what happened

in your career or in a combat environment, you were not exposed to what they were, which probably could be a benefit in your life and not negative. Point in that is there's always going to be somebody who has done more than you, who has accomplished more than you, is smarter than you, more physically capable, more physically competent, taller, more in shape, better looking, like just put down as many descriptors as you want to or things that you could want or want to achieve and then realize there's always going to be somebody or something out there that is more. And that shouldn't ever take away from the things that you have done in your life. who gives a shit what somebody else is doing. If I were you, I would be focusing exclusively

on who you are and what you have done. And let's also, let's take like a bigger picture of this as well, too. So you serve for four years. The average life expectancy in the U.S., let's just call it 80, probably for easier math for me. So what would that be? One 20th of your life? You know, you don't have to tell everybody about one 20th of your life. You don't have to define yourself by what you did for one 20th of your life. You don't have to lead. conversations with it, but you also shouldn't have to leave it out of conversations as well. I would be incredibly proud of this service that you did. It's not about what did or didn't happen while you were serving.

You just happen to be born and choose to join the military during a time period where there was a global war on terrorism. About 30 years of people before you who didn't get that opportunity. And there will be plenty of people in the future who are not going to get that opportunity as well. and it doesn't speak to who they are or how good of a person or soldier, sailor, or marine that they are. It just means you are born in a particular year where the military wasn't doing specifically what the military was designed to do when it comes to combat operations only. So who gives a shit? You raised your hand, sacrificed some of your constitutional rights to enlist in the military. You were issued an American flag.

You got to wear it on your uniform. you honorably completed the requirement of your enlistment and chose to move on in life. What is there to be ashamed of? I think you used the word shame in your email. You did. The shame sank in. Shame for what? That your timing wasn't better?

That you didn't fight, claw, tooth, and nail to try to get to a different MOS or a different unit in the hopes that you would have seen, the combat that you feel like you didn't get to see? Because what if you had done that and then that unit didn't go to somewhere where that was a possibility? Would you still have the sense of shame? My answer is that you would if you keep measuring yourself against other people. And don't think that I'm not guilty of this as well. It's super easy to do. I came from a community of people where I was surrounded by people that were smarter than me, better than me at every single aspect of what we have done, more combat experience, better at leadership, higher military awards, more military awards, like just fill in the blank. You're surrounded by those people,

and you're always going to be surrounded by those people. And it is like the most never-ending self-licking ice cream comb of like feeling not good enough when all you do is look around and measure yourself against other people. My business partner and I, we have a coffee shop here in Calispell. I know people who have four. I know people who have multiples when it comes to businesses. I know people whose net worth starts with a B. And that's amazing for all of those people, but it doesn't have anything to do with me.

It could if I choose to allow it to have something to do with me. And I look at my net worth, spoiler alert, doesn't start with a B or an M. And judge myself against somebody who's worth $30, 40, $50 billion. Okay, I'm a piece of shit. I'm trash. I suck. I'm nothing in comparison to them.

Or they took a different path or had a different skill set or different expertise or had different timing that allowed them to accomplish those things. And I can be super happy and proud of that accomplishment and not have to lever any of that judgment onto myself from myself. So nobody's going to be able to put this down for you. But you have got to find a way to put it down for yourself. And like I said, maybe view it from the perspective of how long you want to hope to really live.

I hope 80s on the low end for you. Maybe you can hit to 90 or 100. But if you get to 100, it's one 25th of your life. It's what you did for a short period of time in your hopefully long life, not who you are. It doesn't mean that you are capable of becoming one thing and not another. It's an occupational choice that you made. Your timing wasn't what you thought it was going to potentially be. And who gives a shit?

I'm here to tell you right now, you have nothing to be a thing. ashamed of. People at the end of the day, and again, I'm totally guilty of this as well, you think of yourself of how important you are. Nobody else feels that way. I mean, your significant other might, but almost nobody else gives a shit about what you are doing with your life. Some of the mistakes that I still feel poorly about in my life, I've come to the realization of the only person that they are haunting is myself, even though there were other people involved. And I've done everything from like apologizing to the person, trying to make good for it. And the people that I've approached and apologized are like, dude, I don't even remember that.

I remember it because I thought it was a huge deal, but just also wrap your head around the concept that nobody actually cares. It's there's how big of a deal we think we are. And then there's how absorbed everybody else is in their own life. And the two, they don't go well together. So just don't worry about feeling shame. Be open and honest about who you are and what you did. And if somebody has an issue with that, reach into your pocket and hand them one of these, a middle finger and tell them to fuck right off because they're an asshole.

And you know what? You'll probably find out they haven't done shit or they wanted to do even what you did and never had the opportunity to do so. Your life will get better if you can put this down. This is a rock or a burden that you are carrying that nobody else is asking you to. Shame is a horrible emotion. Why would you want to spend any time feeling that way? You can put it down and move on.

And I highly suggest that you do. So question number two, before I answer this question, a few disclaimers that I'm sure people listen to the podcast understand, but I'm going to reinforce this because it's important. I am not an expert in addiction. I'm not a doctor in any way, shape, or form. I'm not a counselor. I'm not a therapist. I am not a professional when it comes to dealing with the issue that I'm about to read about and give my opinion on.

These are my thoughts, and they are my thoughts alone. And I'm answering these from the perspective of somebody who has children, who has seen a little bit of this in their own life, but has absolutely seen the impact that this has had on. on other people's life. This is not professional recommendation. And like I always do, I'm going to point people actually to those people, professionals, whether it's in psychiatry, psychology, addiction, mental health, physiology, all of those things. Seek somebody out who actually is trained and is an expert in those things. I am not. I'm answering this from the perspective of being a parent. So having said that, here we go. I'm a longtime listener to the podcast. and I appreciate your words of wisdom.

I know that you never started this journey with helping people in mind, but yet here we are. I have an issue that I'm sure that is nationwide. I have a child that is a drug addict. She lost custody of her child. I'll say it has been heartbreaking on her mother and I to say the least. She was a great mom until her husband cheated on her, and then she decided to cope with their divorce with drugs. She now has no contact with her daughter.

I want to keep hope that she will turn her life around, but statistically these things end in prison or death. My wife and I walk around with a cloud of doom above us. We did see counseling to deal with the issue. The counselor informed us, on average, most people must go to rehabilitation seven times, seven times on average, before they will quit forever. let that sink in. The odds of getting anyone to agree to that aren't likely. We are dreading a phone call that she has been arrested or found dead from an overdose. We found her overdosed in our house, and that is what led to her losing her child. We want to go on with our lives, but we feel like it's an impossible task. How do you move on when you realize the odds aren't in your favor

and try to live your best life. Sorry for the long-winded email, but I'm sure many of your listeners are dealing with this same issue. Thank you. Like I said, we're going to end today with a heavy one. We're in the middle of birthday season for my kids.

My daughter just turned 15. My middle son is turning 18 in two weeks. And my oldest son is going to turn 20 in October. And I understand the feeling as a parent, not directly talking to this email right now, but just broadly as a parent. I understand the desire to wrap your kids in bubble wrap and to create walls and moats and fences with like razor wire and broken glass so that they never are exposed to drugs, alcohol, porn, sex. Poor life choices. All of the things that we figured our way through when they were our age or when we were their age that probably kept our parents up at night. What I'll say is I have found it to be impossible. The power of your children's social circle is immense. And I've seen this, a good, I guess, expression of this, the ability to try to safeguard children.

I've seen it with electronic usage where parents will provide electronics for their kids, but with very, very strict boundaries on them. And I'm not saying that's a bad ideal at all. I think actually given the access to information that we have and the kind of things that you can stumble across, it's a great idea. But my issue with it is that they're lying to themselves, the parents are. about how their children are protected. Because if they have a single friend in their social circle whose parents have a different philosophy and they have an unthrottled device, your children have access to pretty much anything that you wouldn't want them to see and the odds are in their favor that they've already taken a look at it.

And that is a really tough pill to swallow. So you cannot nerve the world to protect your kids from these issues. I think the best that we can do as parents is to put as many safeguards in place as possible without restricting access to the ability to make choices, the ability to make difficult choices, as they are growing up in their life, obviously age-specific and appropriate. We don't need to be throwing life and death choice at a nine-year-old. But making choices, failing, learning from those choices, taking risk, getting hurt. Maybe it's emotionally in their first relationship.

Maybe it's physically because they try something that's outside of their physical capability and they get spanked for it a little bit is a good thing. I look at the way that I grew up. and I certainly had latitude to make mistakes. And I certainly thought that I was Jason born growing up and that I was hiding. You know, I'm just getting away with anything that I want to. And in the end, looking back now, I realize I probably wasn't getting away with very much. But my parents provided me the opportunity to make the mistakes that I needed to make to become the man that I knew that I could become.

And it didn't end after I was, you know, growing up in their house. I needed to continue to make those stakes, and I still make mistakes in my life. I try to learn from them and not play the repeat offender game. But without those mistakes, without those learning lessons, you're actually robbing your kids from the opportunity to grow and become who they can be. I'm not saying be reckless. I'm not saying give your kids unfettered access to phones or any of these things. But let's be realistic about what we can control and what we can't. If they leave your house, if they have a social circle,

anything that that social circle is exposed to, your children are going to be exposed to as well. You can educate, you can inform, you can have an amazing open relationship with your kids where you can talk about anything. And I hope that that exists for everybody because I think that pathway is probably one of the healthiest way to get through that transitional and dangerous age of being a young man and woman. Because I would much rather have my children be honest with me about the things that they are being exposed to, the choices they are making and perhaps the consequences than me being. completely cut out from the information. Easier said than done because they may tell you some things that are really hard to stomach and things that you want to jump down their throat for. But if you do that in an inappropriate manner, you're actually going to shut down that line of communication. So it's a balance. Now, I guess my point in saying all of that is at some point in time,

your children are going to be exposed to drugs. I know it's happened with all three of my kids, the exposure to it to varying degrees. And it's going to happen to your kids too. And the question becomes, what do you do if it bites them? I had a guy that I grew up with who actually joined the Navy as well. His particular drug of choice came in a bottle. And that's one that bites a lot of people. He was an alcoholic.

It got to a point where the doctors told him that the damage to his body from drinking, if he continued, was going to kill him. And knowing that information, he was unable to modify his behavior, and he died from alcoholism. The course of time with alcohol, I guess unless you're having some herculean effort, but even if you are, I feel like it takes years. And in this particular individual's instance, it did take years. The damage to his family, and again, I wasn't, I'm not saying I was directly involved in this. This is information that I got mostly in talking with my father.

The damage to his family, the impact on the family, it sounded very similar to what you are describing in your email. the cloud over your head because you have somebody that you love more than your vocabulary has the ability to describe and you are watching them make choices whether in their control or the control of a substance that you know is going to terminate in something catastrophic and you can't stop them. So what do you do and how do you live your life? I mean, I think the one thing we can take off the table here is that if you're a parent, you're going to unconditionally love your children. You want and hope for the best for them, but you love them more than, I'm telling you,

I don't have the words for how much I love my kids. If they make bad choices, I'm still going to love my kids. If they make great choices, I'm not going to love my kids anymore. It's just something that's never going to go anywhere. but how do you balance that between an addiction, chemical, alcohol, whatever it may be, and how do you actually live your life when you see somebody that you care about that much, making choices you know is going to end theirs? What ended up happening with the guy that I grew up with is that eventually,

after multiple instances of attempted rehab and recovery and relapse, the three R's, I guess that would be. Yeah, rehab, recovery, relapse. I'm not necessarily sure what order they went in. The family made the choice that they no longer could have anything to do with this individual. And that sounds super harsh. And I think that it is super harsh. But it doesn't mean they don't love that individual. It means that they are setting boundaries because it is the only way that they can protect themselves. It doesn't surprise me that the average person would have to go through that yo-yo of rehab, recovery, and relapse seven times. The power of some of these substances is ungodly.

I mean, it is truly ungodly, and it can change the chemical nature of your brain, depending on what substance you are playing with. So it doesn't shock me that it puts that hook in that deeply. And it's a really tenuous line to walk as a parent. Are you loving your child by giving them money when they call you and ask for it, even though they tell you it's for food, but you suspect it's for something else? Are you loving your child when they come to your house and they say that they say that have nowhere to stay and they're asking to stay with you. Are you loving your child when they call you from jail because they have nobody that can come pick them up? Or after this behavior has

repeated itself multiple times, are you enabling them? And I don't have the answer to that. I would leave that to professionals on where that line is. And I'm sure that line moves depending on the situation and the severity. But that is the question that you have to look into the mirror and ask yourself, am I actually helping this person because of the unconditional love that I have? Or am I enabling them and they are actually manipulating me because they know how much I love them. I don't think there are easy answers on either side of that equation. What I have seen work are boundaries, very concrete boundaries on what level of support a family is willing to provide

and what level of the support they are not willing to. I've seen that from a financial perspective, a housing perspective, a time perspective, an effort perspective. And the boundaries are based off of the other person's performance and willingness to put in the work to solve the issue or problem that they are dealing with, whatever vernacular or term that you would feel the most comfortable using when it comes to that. The families, you cannot solve somebody else's problem. You can make it worse, though. You can absolutely make it worse by not holding boundaries and by enabling their behavior. What I will say, in addition to that is, I don't know if it's possible for you to get rid of that cloud of doom above you.

The math is what it is. The stats are what they are when it comes to the likely outcomes when it comes to substance abuse. And I'm not telling you to abandon your daughter. but how many times will you take her to and pay for rehab? How many times will you provide a safe space for her because she says she has nowhere else to go? How many times will you give her money when she asked for it, regardless of the explanation that she gives you? And then watch her relapse into her old behavior. Even if you draw that line and you have those boundaries, I don't think that cloud of doom is going to go away.

Because if she's participating in those activities, the odds are not in her favor. It's like the reverse hunger games. And I don't know as a parent if I can think of a more horrendous situation. You're not responsible for the behaviors of your children to a degree. You know, if you come up through generational abuse and you pass that on down to your children, actually I take that back because, you know, a quote that I've heard that I think is really hard to swallow, but really powerful, is that you're not responsible for your trauma, but you are responsible for how you deal with it.

So if you grew up in a family of generational abuse and you were traumatized that way, you don't have that choice because you were born into that environment. But you do have a choice in what you do with it. If you pass it down to your kids by treating them in the way that you did or were treated, your behavior is your fault. What they do with their trauma is their responsibility. I don't want to use the term fault, but it's their responsibility. And that's a tough one because a lot of people will try to use circumstances, situations,

and experiences to justify piss poor behavior. And the reality is that's bullshit. Because although I do believe it is true, you're not responsible for your trauma. You are 100% responsible for what you do with it and how you deal with it. So for all the parents out there that are worried about this issue, the best advice I have having three kids who, you know, one working their way out of their teenage years is to be as open and honest with your children, create and establish and do everything you can to maintain lines of communication with your kids. be there to answer questions, reserve your judgment as much as possible, even though if you just wanted to just like, you're a fucking idiot. Why would you do that? Like, save that response.

Go wait until they leave and scream that into a pillow because if you do that while they're there, they're going to stop coming to you. And we do have impact as parents. It's the repetitive nature of the messaging. It's the repetitive nature of your actions. You know, you can't just say live a life of discipline and integrity and then be a fat fuck with chito-stained fingers and never get off the couch, all right? Like, what you say as a parent needs to be commensurate with what it is that you're doing as well. They see those things. They hear those things.

It will modify their behavior in the long run. But it's not a guarantee. Your kids are going to touch these substances. and by the, I mean, encounter, not like necessarily physically touch them. And they're going to, it's going to get their hooks in some of them. And you'll have to decide how far you are willing to go when it comes from a perspective of support. And you're going to need to be able to define where support ends and enabling begins.

And you're going to have to hold that line. And I wish I could say something that would remove that cloud. But I think even parents who have to. children who never encounter these particular substances or dealing with addiction, there is always a cloud over our heads. Because what do parents worry about the most? Like, what is the number one nightmare of any parent out there? Something happening to your kids that you can't be there to help with or you can't control an injury or a death. Like, it's just unfathomable how horrendous that is and how much that sits over your head as a parent. So it's just something that we deal with.

And the realization is, my parents probably dealt with it too. You can only do so much. I hope that you can find some level of relief from this in your life. And that may come from drawing a line and holding that line. It's the back and forth that I think really makes that difficult. So I wish I had a better answer for you when it comes from a professional perspective. But my biggest piece of advice would be seek out people who are trained and educated on exactly these times. topics, pick their brains, and listen to what they have to say. And then be the best version of

yourself that you can possibly be as your children are growing up. And that's it. That's all I got for this Friday.