Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Crossroads and Courage - Some of Life's Battles are Worth it

Episode Date: February 23, 2024

We are diving deep into the heart of personal struggle, resilience, and the journey toward healing amidst life's most challenging moments. Part 1: A tale of betrayal and self-discovery unfolds as one listener shares the heart-wrenching journey of dealing with infidelity, emotional abuse, and the looming shadow of divorce. With young children and a family in turmoil, this story navigates the delicate balance of protecting loved ones while honoring one's own worth and seeking a path to healing. The listener questions how to recognize when a marriage is beyond repair and how to approach the possibility of divorce without fracturing the fragile world their children inhabit. Part 2: From the grip of domestic violence to the precipice of life-altering decisions, another listener recounts the harrowing escape from an abusive stepfather and the complex dynamics of a family torn apart by violence and betrayal. Caught between the dreams of education and the harsh realities of survival, he contemplates the merits of military service versus the pursuit of personal passion and the search for a fulfilling career in a world that feels devoid of direction. Check out the new Cleared Hot Flannel and Sweatshirt: ⁠https://shop.clearedhotpodcast.com/collections/podcast-gear⁠ Wolf 21- Check out what they have to offer for the best sleep of your life: ⁠https://www.thewolf21.com ⁠ Use Code: "clearedhot" for 30% off of your 1st order The Speed of War Comic Series: ⁠https://www.thespeedofwar.com/⁠

What's up everybody? Welcome back Friday. Two emails for today. They're kind of both multi-part. So back to our normally scheduled programming. No food for thought this week because I haven't really been thinking that deeply. Been a little bit distracted. Shit's going on. What else before I get started? Okay, check out this flannel. Independent flannel embroidered in the top, what is that, left breast pocket above it. You can't probably even see it with this microphone. it's online. I just, I did 100 of them. And this is actually the first prototype. The guy here in town who does these for me is awesome. I picked these up. I released them on, what does Instagram call it? A broadcast channel? Yeah, that's what it is.

So if you're on that channel or you follow me on that, you already had the opportunity to see these. There's way less than 100 right now. So if you want to get one, I'll put a link in the show notes and you can grab one. If not, then cool. Final's on for everybody. And here we go. I'm looking at danger close now. All right. Here we go. go. Two emails. This first one I'm looking at is already kind of a four-pointer, multi-point, right on my wheelhouse. You guys know that I am basically a clinical relationship, counselor, guidance giver. That's not a real thing. And I actually don't know why people

ask me these questions because I have stumbled my way through life and been very fortunate to, it seems at least, to fall forward in life as opposed to backwards. There's certainly nothing unique about me and man, have I made some mistakes and fallen short of who I wanted to be? I'm going to answer these questions to the lens of my own personal beliefs and experiences and hopefully it helps somebody else out there. Part one. This weekend, I caught my wife seven years, the mother of my three children, sexting with one of her coworkers. Needless to say, I'm devastated. She is extremely remorseful and understands how much damage she has done, but so is everyone that gets caught.

This is an interesting one. Is she remorseful or does she regret getting caught? Not for me to answer because I'm not in this situation. I have found, though, that occasionally sometimes people try to hide regret under the banner of remorse. When they don't actually feel that bad about it, they feel bad about getting caught. Part two. For years, she gets drunk and tells me how worthless I am. I believed her. I've sought out counseling and go regularly, but never was honest with them or myself about the real issue was, comma, her. Okay. I'm going to put a pin in this and answer this one as I get to it. Was the issue her or was the issue you tolerating the way that she treated you? All right. At the end of the day, we'll go back to the circle of influence or circle of concern or maybe even we'll steal.

a granule from Jocco, extreme ownership, which for clarity, I largely agree with that principle, but I think it could be taken too far. And I get into that at some other point in time. But huge fan of Jocko, love what he's doing, known the guy forever. He's amazing. I love his book. You can control you. You can control your actions, your behaviors, your thoughts to some degree. I try to control my thoughts sometimes, and they go all over the place. What I try to control is which ones I grab onto and which ones I let fly by. Not an expert at it, not perfect at it. But if you grab onto the wrong ones and sink your teeth into the wrong ones, it's amazing how negative that can be for you. So the way that she was treating you, her behavior, I'm going to put that in

her bucket. Your level of tolerance, your level of potentially making excuses, your level of absorbing that without making a correction in yourself or taking a different action, I'm going to put that into your bucket. Not that both, not that there's some water that can spill over between the two, but let's be really clear. The real issue with her is her. The real issue with you or with anybody else watching this or listening to this, your issues are yours. And that sucks to hear and think about because that means you need to go look into the mirror. I'm not trying to place blame or anything like that. But when you're talking with a counselor of which I have had a good amount of time doing so and it's had an amazing impact on my life, it's very easy to sit there and try to blame what is going on in your life on everybody and everything other than taking that look in the mirror. I'm not saying that you haven't done that. I'm just putting that out as a general word of caution to people who may be consuming this. So think about that. What was the real issue? issue and I'll leave it at that. I never wanted anyone to think she was a bad person, so I'd eat a

shit sandwich and I would protect her. That is not uncommon behavior for somebody that you have a amount of love for that share a relationship with, that shared kids with. I can understand that. I don't know if it's the healthiest long-term approach, but I understand why you would do so. Part three. Last week, we found out my son has a cyst on his brain that has been causing him severe migraines, and we are referred to the children's hospital in the area for more tests. That's all I know at this point. Conclusion. I don't want to be with my wife any longer.

My children are young and I'm worried about them and what a divorce will do to them. I don't want to spend half of their childhood away from them. My kids are just about the only thing that holds me together most days. Before my mom died, she told me that if she knew that my dad would have never changed after the first five years of marriage, she would have left him at the time. They stayed married until her death. Before I knew further, I'm going to address something here in this conclusion. I don't want to spend half of their childhood away from them. My kids are just about the only thing that holds me together most days.

Think about why that may be. It might be the case because of how unhappy you are in the relationship with their mother. If you were to change that dynamic and to get a breather, to get a break, to be able to take a breath, you might find that it's not only your kids that are, what were the words that you use, holding you together on most days. You might find a whole another arena and aspect in your life that will be able to provide that that you're not able to see right now because of the situation that you are in. And also, divorce does not have to mean that you'll only see your kids half of the time. It also doesn't mean that you're going to get to see them more than that either.

I think each situation is hopefully handled with diligence and individually, even though in my own personal experience, but what I have seen mathematically. It doesn't always net itself out at 50-50. But ask yourself if the situation that you are in right now, are you the best version of yourself possible? Are you able to be in the time that you have with your kids? Are you present? Are you not consumed with other things? Are you actually using them to prop you up or are you holding the role that you should have of being the parent, the provider and the protector? Again, I don't have any answers to those questions, but hopefully you'll hear this and you can think on those. I think one of the most unfortunate things that we tell people about

divorce with kids is that you need to stay in the divorce for the kids. And I cannot think of worse advice when the situation is no longer healthy. They're sponges watching, listening, ingraining what they see to be an example of the first relationship they have exposure to in their life. What do you want to model for them? Also, flip it on its head and say that you were viewing the situation from the outside. And it was your kids, your son, or daughter in this situation, in a relationship with somebody else, in the same dynamic that you

have with your current wife, what advice would you give them? And if it's different than the advice that you were trying to give yourself or that you've given yourself in the past, why is that? Again, I don't have the answers. That's for you to come up with time with yourself. All right, moving on. I've approached my wife with solutions for years to address some of her issues. I was only attacked more and I'd continue to eat shit sandwich because I never wanted to hurt her feelings. It was easier for me to bear the burden of blame than to make her think she was a bad person. I am now full. I can't eat another shit sandwich.

At what point did you know your marriage was over? How do you think you would have approached a divorce with young kids? How did you approach it with older kids? How do I time this so I don't uproot my child's life while dealing with his medical issues? Maybe we'll work big to small here. How do you time this? Here's a bigger question than the medical issue. How do you time this or do this without having an impact on your kid's life?

You cannot. So let's get past that hurdle. Impossible that it's not going to have an impact in some way. Maybe the short-term impact is going to be in the opposite direction that you would want it to be, but I suspect the long-term benefit and impact could help you get past those lower times. How do you time this so you don't up your child's life specifically with the medical issue? well, I would say again by being the best version of yourself that you can be. What does your child need?

The best possible parent that you can fathom being. That's what they need and that's what they deserve. Are you capable of doing that in your current situation? The answer to that is no and you feel like you could serve your child better in a different situation. Well, that's something for you to think about. At what point did I know my marriage was over? Oh, okay. For anybody who watches or listens to the podcast, you know my hard and fast rule on this.

I will not speak about specifics of my divorce because I am the person who has a podcast and the ability to speak at a level that is unable to be batched by my ex-wife. And I'm going to respect that by not saying a goddamn thing because a lot of it is nobody's business, but it is also unfair for me to leverage that to try to get some message out that I would want to put out, potentially paint somebody in a bad light. It's just something that I refuse to do. What I will say is that I know I can think back. There was a specific moment where I honestly felt like I heard my heart crack, which is, of course, not possible to actually hear that.

But I can think back to that moment. And I didn't leave in that moment. And I didn't initiate the divorce in that moment. It was over a year afterwards, actually. but I knew in my heart that that was the end of it. And again, how can I describe this? You may not have a crystallized incident where you can arrive at that point. And I actually hope that you don't.

Not that I don't want you to know either way what you should do, but hopefully you can make an end. educated and informed decision before getting to a point like that. At the end of the day, if you were being truly honest with yourself and you were able to have a conversation with yourself, outside of judgment, outside of consequences, outside of repercussions, you know internally when something is working and when it's not. I'm going to assume this is not your first relationship. but marriages are more complex for a variety of reasons. There's obviously a legal aspect in it as well.

But I would ask you, how did you know your relationships were over and your previous relationships? Most people can point to some things or a feeling that they had, and I would point you back in that direction. I've seen people work through more than you have described, and I've seen people not work through less than you have described. So it's not for me to tell you when a divorce should be needed. but I do think that each and every one of us will arrive at a place in a relationship if you know it's not working when you know it's time and when it becomes futile past that point. So how do you think you would have approached a divorce with younger kids? I would have been more aggressive, meaning I would have taken action sooner because you have more time.

You can get through the lower times and you have more time. to work towards that better, towards the benefit, to work through any issues or damage or burden that may come from that. Their processing ability is also not as good. They'll hopefully remember less. I think those things are in your favor. How did I approach it with older kids? As openly and honestly as possible. I didn't discuss specifics about the why. I talked about the process, likely what the process was going to entail, how long it was going to take, and constantly and consistently tried to express to them that it didn't mean that I was not going to be their father. It just meant that I wasn't going to be married to their mom, that I wasn't going anywhere,

that I wasn't going to be an absentee father, that I wasn't going to be a part of their life, and that more than anything, I wanted the opposite of those things. Now, why did I take that approach? Because they were older and they had a more enhanced processing ability. So I don't know where your kids are in that spectrum. Wife is seven years, mother of the three children, they're probably pretty young. They may not remember the divorce. And maybe that's in your favor.

I don't know from a psychology or psychiatry perspective, which one has more or less impact or burden on the kids. I suspect it would be when they were younger. But I don't know. Pros and cons to both. Your decision to make. There's no good time to get a divorce. I should say there's no perfect time. I think when it arrives at the point where it's doing damage, it's no longer healthy

and impacting those that you love or those around you. That's probably a good time, but there's no perfect time. So I know I didn't directly answer your question, and I may have left you with more questions than answers. But think on it. Realize the gravity of the decision, but the decision about your marriage has nothing to do with your ability to be. a father to your kids unless you let it. It's possible, and I would hope that if you move on, if you make that decision, it allows you to continue to grow as a person to become better and better and better as a parent.

And then at the end of the day, there's really no question about the value or whether or not the legitimacy of the decision in and of itself. So I'll leave you with that. Question two. I am 18. Grew up with divorced parents and lived with my mom. My mom remarried and my stepdad was and is abusive, but always was so much bigger and stronger than me so I couldn't do anything about it. I tried to convince my mom to leave him, but out of fear and love, in air quotes, she wouldn't. I moved to college at 17 and was two and a half hours from my hometown, something that my overly controlling and narcissistic mother was completely against.

However, I was getting paid to go and was on pace to be a doctor with relative ease. Fast forward four months into college. After my birthday, I was in town for my best friend's funeral. And because I had time to, I went with my mother and stepfather to visit my brother on base in a base in Alabama. We'll leave the base name out of it. On the way back to my mom's house where I was staying for the weekend, an argument began and it became dangerous for me. So I stated that I was going to leave when we arrived. Things escalated and my stepfather attempted to strangle me to death.

having worked out and put on a lot of weight and strength, which he didn't know about because this was the first time he had seen me in months, I kicked that motherfucker's ass. Relieving, yeah, relieving somewhat, but I am not a violent person and it did completely out of fight or flight instinct, so I still feel guilty over it for some reason. I don't think that's uncommon. Violence, the idea of violence and the reality of violence are two very different things. there's some great things about social media and movies and the ability to, you know, transport yourself through space and time and watch this stuff. What it doesn't show in any of those mediums are the long-term consequences on a lot of the things that happen when it comes to trauma-inducing events, like we'll call violence. What could be considered trauma-inducing events on it that does that equally into everybody.

Getting in fights hurts. Winning fights can hurts can hurts. Wow. Plural of, yeah. It's an interesting word day. You know, winning fights can hurt. singular, not plural. Crossing the threshold for people who have never been violent before to that place where you are can be really jarring. I know people who have thrown up afterwards and I hope people had a really hard time coming to grips with what they did because they never thought that they would be capable of doing it.

And I think all that's okay. I'm not an expert on what goes on in between the years. I guess my whole point in saying all of that is that the expectation is often very different from the reality. And that's okay. So it seems like you were acting in self-defense. Another portion of this, maybe call the fucking cops. The guy tries to strangle you to death. That might be worth a 911 call. Obviously, retroactively, not in the moment where their hands are around your neck. You might want to deal with that first. But I digress. My mom defended him, which led to the cops being called. Super common, unfortunately. The defense of the aggressor in these unhealthy situations is not uncommon.

You wish it there would be. You would want it to be. This is a super common narrative and that sucks. So my mom's side of the family disowned me. And luckily, me reconnecting with my dad completely, which has been amazing. So one side of your family disowned you, you've reconnected with your dad. Oh, and I also had to attend that funeral the next day, so it was quite the 24 hours. It sounds like it.

Anyway, the car I paid for was in her name. I was underage when it was bought and a lot of my stuff was in her house still, all of which has been kept from me. I had to buy a new car and all new stuff and no longer could afford college and had to drop out and move back to home to live with my dad. A lot more happened, but if I wrote all the other shitty things, I'd have a book by the end of it. My question to you is, I've bounced around jobs and I'm currently in the union, but I've always considered military service. My girlfriend doesn't want me to because of how bad inflation is, and enlisting seems like a good way to sign up for being completely broke again, which I'm afraid of. What would you recommend that

I do in life or even just with my career. Because right now, I don't love anything that I do and I literally haven't had enough experience to find anything that I'm passionate about. I grew up playing sports and I've always loved a team environment. I have solid discipline and I like the idea of law enforcement when I'm old enough to do it in my state because I spend most of my free time in high school serving others in one way or another and I want to continue that in some capacity. If you read all this, then I'm sorry for the super long email. And if you spawn, thank you for the comments and recommendations you may make. Man, it's okay to not know what you want to do at the age of 18.

You have, from what I can tell, based off of your email and the fact that you said that if you were to list out every shitty thing that has happened, it would be a book in and of itself. I feel like you might have a full cup already. And you may not be able to find anything that you're passionate about moving forward until you pour a little bit of that out or open the drink. plug, whatever it may be, whatever choice of words that you would go with to reduce the volume of whatever it is in that cup that I am concerned, maybe holding you back a little bit. And it's not your fault. Everything that has happened to you that you wrote about and everything that has happened to you that you didn't choose to write and include in this email is not your fault. But what you do with it is your responsibility. It could potentially handcuff you to the floor

and your attempt to climb the ladder of life if you don't do something about it. Or it may be like water off a duck's back for you and you may still be able to do so, but I suspect the former, not the ladder, because that's just not the way that trauma seems to actually work. So before making any wild career choices, I would spend time, which is what you have an immense amount of at the age of 18,

even if you just look at the average lifespan of somebody America, you've got a lot of runway in front of you. Way more sand on the top of the hourglass than on the bottom. Take advantage of that. But reorient your ship, recalibrate your compass before moving forward because otherwise you might just keep taking on water or be listless because your true north is shifting all over the place. I think law enforcement is a great career as long as people get into it for the right reasons. In the military, you know, enlisting might be a good way to sign up for being completely broke again. Yeah, I mean, that depends. That's a relative scale. And it also depends on what you want to do in the military.

You could use it for vocational training. You could take all the educational benefits. You could look at it for a four, six, eight, ten, twenty, whatever it may be, everything in between. People don't join the military because they're going to become rich. That is for sure. And you can go on to an Excel spreadsheet or the military website and it will tell you exactly how much you're going to make base pay only for an entire military career. There's things like housing pay. What is it, cola, cost of living allowance pay. There's hazards, pays, dive demo, jump pay, depending on what it is what you want to do. For me, you know, it's a lot more about what you spend than what you make when you're talking about, you know, being poor or being in poverty. The military, I know people who

on an E4 or E5's salary, and I use that term lightly, were banking tens of thousands of dollars a year because they were making life choices that prioritized that investment money over everything else. Were they missing out on some cool and fun stuff that potentially would have cost money and in the end wouldn't have been worth, you know, shit from an investment perspective? Yeah, but that's the choices that they made earlier in their life. So definitely don't look at the military as a way to fill up your purse with golden coins. But it can be a path in an avenue to an end state where you could have occupational, educational, educational. job experience, life experience, travel experience, all of those things. And the money is not bad. And it's not that it's inflation proof, but you're going to get paid on the first and the 15th.

You're going to have medical care and a shit ton of military programs that you can take advantage of. So just food for thought on that. Union job, though. You know, I tell you what, I have exactly zero seconds of higher education, barely made it to my high school graduation. so I can't speak on the value of advanced degrees, but time and time and time again, and even more and more recently, I hear people talking about the value of the trades. My father was a tradesman. I grew up in the trade. I didn't know how to do what he did, but I worked in that trade. And I tell you what, he shut his business down when my mom was diagnosed with cancer for the second time. How did he not done that? He could have worked until the day that he dies. you know that we trades are such an amazing skill set to have and if you're willing to work you're never going to go hungry so don't blow those off either you know i don't know what type of you're a part of because you didn't put it on here but you know all of these paths to include

law enforcement when you're looking at it from very early on in the journey yeah not it might not seem that enticing but you're going to have to invest in any of these things and get past the one year mark or two-year mark or the first enlistment or the first term or whatever it may be to really start seeing the benefit of them, the overnight 10 years success. It's just, it's not real. You know, you're going to have to invest that time, effort, energy, sweat, equity into these things. And it's okay if you start down a path and you decide you need to change it. That's also okay as well. You have time and flexibility and the availability to make those left and right turns or up and down or fuck, 360, 720 degrees, whatever it is that you may want to do.

You have options, I guess. And so instead of trying to give you a definitive path to go down, and with what I've already said, make sure you're taking care yourself first. It seems like you might be carrying a little bit of baggage, and I would love for you to be able to put that down because I think it will enhance the opportunities that are in front of you. Explore them. Don't be afraid to change and be aggressive with the ones that you take.

put the pedal to the metal as hard as you can because if you find that you're driving down a road, you don't like it, turn that car around and go back. That's what you have the ability to do with the age that you are at. I envy where you are. Not the trauma aspect of that. That sucks and that's a lot for anybody to bear. But you've got a lot of great choices. Economics, just the paycheck itself, is important.

I don't know if it is the single most important thing. And that's it. See you guys on Monday.