Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Facing Darkness: Questions from the Frontlines of Life

Episode Date: October 13, 2023

In today's episode, we are diving headfirst into the emotional and moral dilemmas faced by listeners from around the world. From a distressed father in Israel grappling with the responsibility of taking up arms to defend his family, to a veteran pondering the teachings of violence to his children, and a question from a listener struggling to make sense of global tragedies while maintaining a sense of normalcy in their day-to-day life. These are all complex issues, and in the most trying times, it often seems like there are no concrete answers. The Speed of War Comic Series: https://www.thespeedofwar.com/ Sign up for the new G14 newsletter here: https://www.clearedhotpodcast.com/exclusive Check out the newest Cleared Hot Gear here: https://shop.clearedhotpodcast.com/  

Good morning, everybody. I hope you are ready to get into this. Today's topics, all three, pretty heavy, talking about current events going on in the world, a little bit of death, a little bit of destruction, a little bit dark for today. So strap in for that. Before we get into it, upcoming on Monday, the newest episode of Change Agents Season 2, we're going to be talking about Scientology, and we're going to be talking about it with man named Mark Bunker, who is an award. award-winning journalist. He was involved with the documentary going clear, which I highly recommend that people take the time to watch. He is the vice mayor and a councilman in Clearwater, Florida, one of the epicenters of Scientology. And man, does he have a story to tell? So check that out

on Monday. But before Monday, let's dive in to this Friday's episode. Here we go. All right, let's get into this. Like I said, I have three questions for today. Not the same topic. I would describe them as, well, two of them are similar in theme. And I guess the third one ties in a little bit conceptually. Let's begin. Question number one. Longtime listener, first time reaching out. First off, thanks for your words. I've been listening for quite a while and really got a lot from your shows. Please keep up the good work. I'm writing to you from Israel, where we have been hit hard. I don't know what actually happened, but we're treating this disaster as our 9-11. A little bit about me. As most Israeli men, I served in the military and throughout the years in the reserve forces as well. I am now 34, married happily, and have two amazing kids. In addition, I'm the oldest of six siblings, five of which are combat soldiers, and we have all been activated. I don't know where or what you feel regarding our conflict with our neighbors, but the

horror stories I heard from the massacre have shaken me to the core. My question, what advice can you give a man in my situation who is required to take arms and literally defend his family? Thank you very much. I'm going to start with this. What my thoughts on the conflict with your neighbors. As far as my personal knowledge and understanding of the region, it sucks. It's deficient. And it's something that I actually am going to personally take the time to try to remedy and to try to research and understand not only the region, but the conflict in that region, because I am woefully undereducated about what is going on in Israel right now. Having said that, I think I can give you some advice when it comes to being a combat soldier, whether a reserve

or active being pulled back into the fray and things that you could help do to prepare yourself for your upcoming activation and the things that may occur during that time period. So this is what I would recommend, and I'm not going to necessarily say in any particular order, this is just the order that they're coming to mind for me. Logistically, if anything can go wrong, it's absolutely going to while you are away from your family. This is just anecdotally from my own personal experience. If your washing machine is going to act up, it's going to act up the day after you leave. If your refrigerator is going to break, it's going to break two weeks after you're gone. If there's going to be an issue with your bank

and them allowing your significant other to access the funds that you may have, all of that shit is going to happen the second that you have limited communications and the ability to actually impact and help that situation. So my number one piece of advice is get your house in order. We had a pre-deployment checklist that was very robust. And at the time, it seemed like a pain in the ass. And I am not joking. On every single deployment, there would be something that goes wrong. And I don't mean with people, even though I guess sometimes it would be people in illness, sickness, injury, whatever it may be.

But I'm talking about the things that I already listed. Appliances shitting the bed. Repairs needed to be made for the house. And all of this is occurring during the time where you are detained. because you're focused on your job. So in that checklist, getting your house in order, what do I mean by that? As macab as it might sound, will and testament. And I can speak only from how things work inside of the U.S.

I'm going to assume that Israel is the same way in many countries are when it comes to the wishes of those who maybe lose their life, killed in combat, whatever it may be. the more that you can spell things out in the absence, in your absence, for the remainder of somebody else's life, the easier it's going to be. And these are difficult things that you need to think your way through before you leave for the environment that you are about to be put in. So they are not weighing on you and eating up your intellectual and emotional bandwidth. Get your house in order. Create a phone tree or a checklist that your significant other can call if there are. or any issues that may come up.

Think through the what ifs. What if we do have an issue with our home? What if we do have an issue with our appliance? And put together a plan that somebody can literally pick up on a piece of paper and follow a step by step by step. And maybe that's leaning on extended family. Maybe that's just setting up a relationship with a service provider. All of those things might seem trivial, but I'm telling you now for the person that's left

behind, it's going to make their life substantially easier. And there'll be no stress or burden on them trying to get a hold of you. There are problems that you can solve or at least implement 90% of a solution before they actually present themselves. But the Will and Testament, the last Will and Testament is key among those things. And you're going to need to have some very hard conversations with yourself. How do you want to be buried? Do you want to have an open or close casket? Do you want to be cremated?

Think through the decisions that you wouldn't want to have other. other people think their way through. What kind of service do you want? What kind of pallbearers? Who do you want to have as your pallbearers? All of the things that if you don't take the time now to work your way through, these decisions are going to be put on somebody else's shoulder. And what I mean is those that are left behind in an environment that is very taxing emotionally.

And they're not going to be in the best place to make those decisions. So really, if you can, sit with yourself. and line those things out. The second step with that is sit with your wife and have the hard conversations. Don't leave anything left unsaid. Explain what you would want to have happen should you never return. Talk about the future of your kids. Talk about what you would want.

Talk about what you would not want. And I'm not saying you have to come to 100% agreement on all of those things. but have the conversations while you have the opportunity to do so. I have unfortunately been around far too many of these instances where a loved one is killed and there were a lot of blanks that had to be filled in. And when you're in that emotionally just crushed space, you don't do your best thinking. You don't have your best judgment. And how, of course, how could you be expected to have those things in the

those environments. I don't think there's a way that it can go smooth or seamlessly or well, but the smoothest and most seamless in the best I have seen it go are where the conversations were had first and all of the paperwork was in order and all of the difficult decisions were made going into it. And I'm going to assume that the Israeli military probably does a lot of these things for you. And if they do, that's spectacular. And my advice, at that point is leave no stone unturned and make sure that you handle all of those things. My next piece of advice, especially if you have children, depending on their age, you're obviously going to have to explain to them what's happening, where you're going and why.

And I would recommend telling them the truth. Speak to them, of course, in an age-appropriate manner, depending on their ages, are going to have a different level of understanding and processing. ability, but what I would not do is lie to them. And in addition to that, what I absolutely would advise you to not do is make promises. As hard as it may be, especially with young children, and the only thing that you want to do is remove as a parent any fear or uncertainty or concern that they may have by telling them, don't worry. I promise that I'm going to be back. I promise that everything is going to be okay. I would advise you in my personal experience to not do that.

Don't make promises that you and I and anybody who comes from a profession of arms knows that you don't actually have control over whether or not you can fulfill them. there are ways that you can have these conversations that can soften the blow and i leave that up to the individual and if you do want to lie to your kids just understand that that is what you're doing and if you do want to make a promise to your kids excuse me that you may not be able to fulfill understand that is what you're doing and the impact that it could have but i advise you against doing so um my children were very young when i completed my last military to I don't think they have any memory of any of the deployments that I did.

So I did not have to work my way through these conversations with children that had a very deep level of understanding or a capacity to understand where it is that I was going and what it is that I was going to be doing. And I think that was easier for me. If your kids are older, it's going to be more complex. Work your way through it and have the conversations. Again, I'm going to go back to have the conversations now, the difficult conversations while you have. the ability to do so before they are potentially taken from you. In my experience, in watching other families navigate things like this, even though the conversations might have been more difficult to have, it was important to the people that were left behind

the content and context of those conversations. It made a difference. And the last piece of advice I'll give you as far as getting into a headspace for your mobilization. You know, the goal of the first two pieces of advice that I gave, getting your life in order and then having the conversations with, you know, friends and family is really, if you reduce it down at the end of the day, a tool or what's the right word? It's not a tool.

It's a mechanism for you to not have to worry. as much, I'm not going to say at all because that's impossible, or focus your energy as much, because I'm not going to say not at all because I don't think that's possible either. It allows you to unload that burden and focus on what it is you are likely going to be asked to do. The last thing that you want on your mind when you are in a kinetic combat environment is a question in your mind as to whether or not you remember it to structure, your rent payment or mortgage payment to auto pay. Am I falling behind on my loan?

Are we going to lose our house worrying about these things while you are an environment that could potentially take your life? I say that as somebody who was too stupid many times to complete all of those things and had those worries. And what it does is it robs you from your ability to operate in the environment that you're likely going to be thrown into. I don't think it is possible to ever forget about your ability. your family, as hard as one may try to through the lens of trying to focus solely on their job.

But for you as an individual, knowing that everything that you can handle or could think of that could potentially happen has been handled or taken care of is going to allow you to focus more and more on your job. And I would advise you to find a way to say goodbye to your family and put them out of your mind. And I don't say that to be cruel and I don't say that to be mean. And I don't say that through the lens of you don't care about your family. You would be doing that because you care about them so much. And you put the time and effort in in the beginning that it will allow you to achieve a headspace where you can focus on the task in front of you. If you want to be a lethal soldier, if you want to make the best decisions humanly possible on a battlefield, you have to allocate all of your time, energy, effort, and attention to those things.

The only way that you can do that is to become an absolute savage and cut everything else out. And what will make that easier is following through on the advice that I've already previously given. If you can do that, you can focus on your job, and it won't guarantee that you're going to make your way home, but I think it will drastically increase the odds in likelihood that you will. It helped me in my previous career, and I know it can seem harsh to say, forget about your family, and I'm not saying in totality. I'm talking about in that moment or during periods of time leading up to or in the execution of an operation where you have to be 100% present. thinking about them is not going to help you worry about them or worrying about them is not going to help you the way you get through a combat environment where you're making decisions about taking the life of other people and operating in a very kinetic environment is by becoming a fucking savage

not easy to do but if you can do that you will be operating at peak capacity and that is what I recommend for you. So hopefully that helps. And best of luck. Keep your head on a swivel. Actually, there's another thing I would add to this. I was going to say, you know, make sure you communicate with your family as needed. What I'm going to say is don't over communicate. I got into or I witnessed people who would communicate on the daily and then when there would be an interruption due to an operational requirement, it would create a little bit of additional stress. I would say in addition to that, get onto a tempo where you communicate with your family. Don't make it too frequent.

Don't make it too extremely long. Just find a middle ground. And that way, there'll be a little bit of flexibility. If they don't hear from you from a day or two, there's not necessarily a reason to be excessively worried. And it allows that connection with your family, which is, again, why you're probably doing what you're doing in the first place. So make sure that that stays intact, but don't over communicate. Hopefully that helps. Question two.

2,000 plus dead in Afghanistan from an earthquake, 1,100 dead in Israel, 10,000 dead in a Libyan flood, and close to 3,000 dead in Morocco from an earthquake all in the last month. I don't know how to process this kind of stuff. I try to empathize, but it quickly becomes too much. There's absolutely nothing I can do. Most of these places are so corrupt you can't even send money. but I don't feel right reading the numbers like stats. As I'm writing this, there are for sure people still trapped alive under the rubble in Afghanistan that are going to die.

There are hostages in Gaza that are going to die. I have to go to work tomorrow, then take my kids to a swimming practice like nothing is wrong in the world. I feel like I have to ignore it like the, God, how do you say this? Uyghurs, Uyghurs and China and like Yemen and Ukraine. But it also feels wrong. Fuck, man. What is a person supposed to do? do. It's a great question. And I think this speaks to the pros and cons of the ultra-connected world

that we live in right now. Everything that you listed is absolutely true and has absolutely occurred in the last 30 days. And it is also from a statistical perspective, the safest time that it has ever been to be alive as a human being, which flies directly in the face of the numbers that you put out. The difference being 30 years ago, we would not have access in real time to these types of numbers. And it doesn't mean that those things weren't happening. What it means is that we wouldn't be constantly and consistently bombarded with information like this. And I am not by any stretch of the imagination trying to reduce in any way the impact and meaning of these events to the individuals or the families that are associated with that. I am not

trying to be demeaning in any way, shape, or form. But because we live in a world that breaking news within 60 seconds can reach us in our pocket and bombard us with statistics like this, I think that it is very easy to become overwhelmed and feel like that we are being smashed by an absolute tsunami of crisis and catastrophe. And all of those things that you mentioned are exactly that. But they are not happening at a rate that hasn't happened previously. And again, I'll go back to these numbers are horrible. But if you had to choose a time in the history of human beings to be alive, So, 2020, right now, from a mathematical and statistical perspective, is the single safest time that it has ever been on planet Earth for humans, even though these things have happened.

I think, you know, I'll get to, you know, what can, what's a person supposed to do? I'll get to that in the end. I think to avoid feeling like we are overwhelmed and bombarded, we have to manage. or at least look at the information that we receive every day. We have to balance it in some way or try to look at it through some sort of lens that provides context. Because unfortunately, if I scroll through a news feed, I have, I think, four or five news feed. What would it be? News feed apps.

News apps, we'll call them that on my phone. If you scroll through them and you had to put the stories into a call. column of positive versus negative, the vast majority of them fall into the negative category as opposed to the positive. I think that happens, not because there's more negative things happening than positive, but negative information or negative news stories are more likely to get clicked on. And things that are more likely to get clicked on are obviously going to get more attention, more views, more likes, and all of the things that advertising is based upon. And I'm not saying This is like some malicious intent to overwhelm people and try to make them feel like the guillotine is always an inch over their head.

It's just the ecosystem that these organizations play in. The more people that they can get to look at a story, the more they can charge for advertising. If more people are clicking on negative news stories and they can see a metrics-based approach to this on the back end, and they want to survive and make more money, I don't think it takes a rocket surgeon to figure out which approach that they are going to go to. I mean, I think we've all heard the saying, if it, if it bleeds, it leads. And just go through your newsfeed for the next five minutes. Put this episode on pause and go through your news feed and write down on a piece of paper, a positive or negative story.

And just make a tally of the initial scroll on each one of those feeds. I think what you're going to find is the vast majority of them are negative. I don't think the vast majority of the things going on in the world are negative. But if you don't balance the information that you are, are absorbing, it's very easy to feel that way. And I think that's a very dangerous place to be. Now, should you ignore it? No, I don't think you should ignore it at all. Crisis, conflict, struggle, warfare, famine, horrendous things have been going on since the inception of mankind. And I think it's going to happen again. You know, like you mentioned, there's

China, Yemen, Ukraine. What can you personally do, let's say you live in the flyover states of the United States, somewhere in the Midwest. What can you do about those things? Direct personal impact? Probably almost nothing, unless you want to get on an airplane and put yourself into those environments, which is not something that I would recommend for the vast majority of people, unless you have the experience, education, requisite training, and equipment to do so.

So other than that, you know, acknowledging that those things are happening in the world, I think is important. Focusing on areas of the world where you have no impact, I'm not going to say is a waste of time, but I certainly think your time could be better served by focusing on the world that you actually can directly impact. I think it's important to understand that these things are happening in the world around us, even if they don't touch you directly because they can motivate you to be a better person in the world that does touch you directly. I personally am not going to go to Ukraine, Yemen, or China. Understanding what is happening in those portions of the world

and realizing that there are people suffering and recognizing that I don't want anybody to suffer unnecessarily in my sphere of influence. in my life, the fact that those things are happening elsewhere in the world, it motivates me to do as much as I can locally. And I think for most people, that is the greatest impact that you can have. If you are in a relationship, the best thing that you can do for the world that you live in is be the best person and portion of that relationship possible. If you're a parent, the best thing that you can do is raise the most capable, understanding, compassionate, well-educated, well-adapted human beings and then put them out into the world so they can continue that.

Is it going to change the world overnight? No, absolutely. It's not going to change the world overnight. Will it change the world in the long run? I think so if enough of those people can actually get into positions where they can have an impact and do something impactful. and it can go beyond your family. You know, I've talked about this a bunch.

Volunteer to be a mentor somewhere in your local community. Volunteer to coach a sports team. Run for your local government. Run for the Senate. Run for Congress. I mean, the deeper that you want to get involved, the better. That's how you can have an impact on the world that is around you. So don't ignore the things that other people in this world are suffering through,

and that's exactly what it is. use that as motivation to try to limit as much suffering as you possibly can in the world that you actually are living in. I don't know what else you can do with it and manage how much of that information that you actually are bombarded by and just recognize again, although it may seem like the sky is falling. If you were to give a person a choice on the timeline of humanity, where we are right now today, even though these things are happening, it is the safest and most flourishing time for human beings. So that's all I got on that. Number three, just listen to episode 39 and you state there's a place for violence and use the example of what you teach your kids

in terms of not standing by. I'll paraphrase, but you reference getting a teacher calling 911 and then when no other options are present, stepping in themselves. So my question is, do you your kids how to use violence. I'm a father to my stepdaughter and my son and I'm also a veteran. Thank you for taking the time to read this and consider the question. Uh, man, do I teach my kids how to use violence? I would say from a conceptual level, I have talked with my kids a lot about violence. What I haven't forced them to do is pursue a particular path where it comes to the application

of violence. and I'm interested in a discussion or an argument or debate about martial arts or which one is the most violent or which one is the most applicable and whether it's performative or I train for the street and I can't show you the moves in real life because it would kill you and all of this stuff. You know, it's my personal belief as a adult male. I think you should be as capable of violence as humanly possible and use it as a measure. of absolute last resort. And that, for me, violence is a measure of ranges. There are far distances. There's medium distances. There's close distance. And then there's the environment where somebody puts their hands on you. I personally believe that you should be capable across all of those. My previous career did a very good job when it came to managing distances with firearms. But they really didn't teach us much when it came to the distance of somebody putting their hands on you. I am obviously a fan of Brazilian jiu-jitsu, but I say it all the time. I don't think that it's magic. It's not a Harry Potter wand. It's angles, leverage, weight distribution, and I don't care what belt you are. Weight, size, and strength matters.

If you're a small black belt and you encounter a massive athletic human being, you've got a fucking problem on your hands. And that's where tools can level the playing field and then goes back into those ranges. When it comes to competency with firearms, I have gone shooting with all of my kids. They at the very least understand that the power that is contained. inside of a firearm. They understand how to safely use them. They understand the principles of safe firearm handling. But more than anything, it was in a, my desire there was to make sure that they were safe in an environment where weapons were present. Do I go and take my kids to tactical shooting courses? I haven't yet. I'm not against it. I think it would be a cool exposure for them to do

so, but it would be something that I would want them to do. When it comes to teaching them violence from the range of somebody puts their hands on you. All three of my kids are the benefactors of a lifelong membership through the SBG, straight blast gym, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu school, academy. It's not neither of those things. Ecosystem that I train inside of. My middle son has continued to train. He is, I think, coming up on his fourth stripe on his white belt.

And the other two show little to no interest in doing so. And that's okay. for my middle son, we talk about the actual expectations and capabilities that can be developed on the mats where the shortcomings are and how not to lie to yourself about your capabilities. And for my other two kids, I just talk with them about violence in general. And if they choose not to pursue their own path towards competency in violence, they need to understand where the limitations are. But I don't to this point, and I don't think I ever will, force it upon them because I don't. want them to burn out on it. I want to be something that they can find themselves developing a passion for themselves, not something that I am passionate about trying to get them to be

passionate about because I think it'll stick with them lifelong if I go with the former approach instead of the latter approach. Violence should be a measure of last resort. I absolutely express that to my kids. But as you mentioned in your email, I have always been very very very clear with my kids. I don't ever want them to start a fight. They should avoid it at all costs. But if it comes time that you do need to fight, you need to fight as if your life depends on it. And I'm not going to get upset with them if they defend themselves. But I'll absolutely get upset with them if they don't defend somebody else who is being bullied or being pushed around. Because two of my three kids are not currently interested in pursuing martial arts of any kind,

I have more of a conversation about them with understand the reasonable outcome if you do get into a violent encounter and you don't practice and train in violence. Don't expect it to go your way as nobody should. There's no such thing as a game time player. You're not going to see red and then just kick everybody's ass because you're not fucking John Wick. It's not the way that it works in violence and movies is nothing like violence in real life. So I still would expect them to step in in that environment and I try to reinforce in those conversations. this is probably what you can expect to happen to you if you do so. And I use that as hopefully planting the seeds for their desire in the future to participate in violence.

By that, I mean the practice of martial arts so that they never actually have to put their hands on somebody. Because what I have found is the people who are the most capable are the absolute least likely to find themselves in a violent encounter. Because you understand the consequences and how fast it can get out of control and that you can win a fight and still lose. And whether that means you're in an ambulance right next to the person you kick the shit out of or you have to face them in court, whether it be civil or criminal. So I think exposure is great. Forcing them, I don't think is as great. I would say plant the seeds and then hopefully with the consistent watering that you put on top of it, it can grow into something that they become passionate about as well. Because what I would really like my kids to grow into is somebody that cannot be manipulated physically or mentally.

And for me, I think martial arts is a great tool for that. And that's all I have for this Friday. See you guys on Monday.