Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Facing Life's Hardest Decisions: Trade, Trust, and Transition

Episode Date: June 9, 2023

Get ready to unpack some of the intricacies of life's hardest decisions. In this episode I tackle listener-submitted questions concerning the crossroads of career choices between trade and law enforcement, addressing the shocking discovery of a potential child predator within the family, and the process of rebuilding after a divorce and job loss. Sign up for the new G14 newsletter here: https://www.clearedhotpodcast.com/exclusive  Check out the newest Cleared Hot Gear here: https://shop.clearedhotpodcast.com/  

What's up, everybody. We are back. Recording this day before it comes out because I just got back from Texas. And I'll be honest with you, people who live in Texas at this time of year, it's not even hot yet, but it was hot there. I don't know how you do it. I'm sure there's something about Texas that draws you there. I don't see it, but good on you. Yeah, let's do it.

Let's get into three questions for today. Kind of all over the map. Let's party. Here we go. All right, here we go. Fresh back from Austin, Texas. I was on other people's podcasts for a couple of days. It was awesome. Got to go train down at Six Blades near Cedar Park, Sanjay Hiberos, gym. Holy shit. A bunch of savages. Nice people in the world. If you're in the Austin area and you're a jihitsu player, are you thinking about doing jiu-jitsu? Go check it out. Got to roll with Victor Hugo, the current world champion at Black Belt. at his, the adult at his weight, which I think he's a super heavy weight. Couldn't have been a nicer human being.

Phenomenal location. Has nothing to do with the podcast for today. But, yeah, started off early morning in Austin. We're back in Calispell. Got some coffee, so we're ready to do this. Three questions. I know I say almost every Friday I'm going to try to keep this short, but I'm actually going to try to keep this one short because I got shit to do.

And I feel like you do too. But I get a lot of questions. And since you guys take the time to write them in, I'm going to take the time. I'm going to take the time to answer. Here we go. Question one. This is my sixth attempt at writing in sending this now. I hope what you mean by that is you haven't sent this in six times and I haven't seen it. What I think you mean is that you wrote this different version of it six times. If you've sent it in six times, or this is your sixth attempt, and I've missed it five of those before, I apologize. I do the best that I can. Here we go. I'm a 25-year-old carpenter. My father started a

garage cabinetry company a couple of years ago and relies on me to install all the product. Though for seven years now, I've tried to snuff the fire in me to serve, and I just can't put that flame out. I've been in contact with the local PDs in my area, and they're in desperate need of applicants. So how do I make this decision? One side of me says to serve and do my part, so I don't regret doing nothing for my country. Yet the other side says, stay the course with the trades. Serving slash policing is the only thing that I've wanted to do. that wasn't financially motivated. Do I abandon my hopes and wants to serve,

or do I abandon my father's company? Hoping you can shed some light. Thank you for what you do and what you've done. So this is a very binary choice that you've presented me. It's option A, I'm going to go only work for my dad. And option B, I'm only going to go work for law enforcement. And I highly recommend for people that you get your life and the choices that you're going to make

or the situations that you're looking at out of the binary perspective, because there's always another way to look at it. So let's just say option C. How about both? I have never spent a day in law enforcement and I never spend a day in the fire service, but I have friends who work in both,

and I actually have family that works in the fire service. And the reason I bring that up is I get to spend time with them. I've spent time with them on their days on, and I spend time with them on their days off. And what I'll say is there are plenty of both. And I have no idea how you structure or not how you, but the local PD where you live structures their work schedule. But I assure you it's not 12 days per day, five days per week with only the weekends off.

The police officers that I've been around, it seems to be like three on, four off, three on, three off, two on, two off, some variation of that. And firefighters kind of the same thing. Actually, most EMS personnel in my experience, other than I think private ambulance providers. and I know absolutely nothing about that other than that their schedule is different, have a very good work-life balance. What I'll say before saying anything else is the fact that you're in a trade, I think, is phenomenal. I grew up in a trade as well. For a everybody who lists as a podcast, I've had my dad on a few times.

He was a brick and stone mason in Santa Cruz, at least when I worked with him. I actually think that's where he learned it as well from his father. growing up in the trades was awesome. I have nothing against higher education. I actually think that education is an amazing thing. I think the pursuit of knowledge and people exploring things that they don't know and being curious is a great thing. I think saddling people with an ungodly amount of student loans and debt early on in

their life is criminal. And I actually cannot believe the lending practices currently around the educational system. I think they should be absolutely outlawed. I can't think of anything worse to do to somebody than saddle them with a six-figure debt in their early 20s. Like, here's a hole, and I'm going to give you a thimble, and good luck filling that sucker back up while we're continuing to, of course, charge you interest.

So you get to try to fill it up with a thimble, but we're going to, I'm sorry, you get to try to, yeah, fill it up with a thimble, and we're going to keep digging deeper with a shovel. It's just an, it's an uneven structure. And the amount of money that they will lend someone, for education is unbelievable in comparison to the requirements to get a mortgage on a home. It's like one is extremely hard to do.

The other one's like, oh yeah, just keep taking this money. Just free money or is it. But that's a whole different rant. Let's say you don't want to go down that route. There are so many options out there for people who don't want to pursue higher education. And the trades is one of them. And it doesn't have to be, you know, masonry. It could be carpentry.

It could be a plumber. It could be electrician. You can work yourself really rapid. into close to, if not above six-figure jobs in each of those trades or all of those trades, and it's a skill that'll serve you incredibly well for the rest of your life. So the fact you've been doing it now for seven years, that's awesome, because you have a skill set that you're going to be able to fall back on any time that you would want to or need to.

Now, as to the abandoning your father's business, I mean, that's one way that you could look at it, or your father could actually treat it like a business and you could approach him and say, hey, this is what I'm looking at doing. I'm going to need some time off because I want to go to the academy. which I'm assuming is going to be a requirement, wherever you would want to serve. And he could find somebody else and teach them that skill as well. And then he could give somebody a metaphorical toolkit for the remainder of their life. And maybe they would fall in love with the trades.

Maybe not, though. But let's treat it like a business. I understand the, it's not an obligation that you feel to your father, the loyalty you feel to your dad and the family business. And I think that's a beautiful and amazing thing. but it is a business and your dad should recognize that perhaps you have your own aspirations are things that you would want to do in life and quite frankly what you put into this email I would open a conversation with your dad and express to him in whatever terms that you wanted to

how you feel and this fire that you are talking about maybe best case scenario he gives you time off or before he gives you time off, you can teach somebody to do your job now. Then you can go to the academy, establish yourself on the police force, and in your off time, you can still work with your dad. And that's kind of the full circle that I was coming around to. That would be option C in my mind. I think the desire to serve something greater than yourself is an amazing thing. And I don't ever want to push somebody away from that.

But I also don't want people to jump into it blindly. It may not be what they want it to be. The job may not provide you the satisfaction that you are looking for. It may be completely different than what you expected it to be. And that's okay. What I don't want you to do is arrive on your deathbed with regret. I don't want anybody to include myself years down the road to look back and have this feeling of, well, I wish I would have.

You can fill in the blank with whatever you want. I wish I would have asked the person out. I wish I would have had kids. I wish I would have changed careers. I wish I would have joined the military. I wish I would have tried to fulfill my dream of being whatever I wanted to be in the special operations community. I don't want people to have that sense of regret because regret sucks. I regret a few things in my life and it seems inescapable.

Even though I try to put them down and I make peace with it, it still sucks when you think about it. So do everything you can to not land into that bucket. I think you can find a balance and blend. the firefighters that I know, a lot of them have second businesses, real estate for some reason, and maybe that's because it fits really well with their on-off schedule. I don't know. The law enforcement, at least in the area where I'm at, they have a full scheduling dossier of hobbies, which I think is awesome. They have a life outside of their job. You could fill that time with still assisting your dad. Or your dad could find that the person that you taught to do your

your job is that fills that role and that gap is amazing. And maybe at some point in time, he passes the business on to that individual or that individual buys the business from them. But there are so many options other than this A, B, binary choice that you gave me. Do I work for my dad or do I work for the city or state and serve others? Yes. Do both. And again, I'll close with when people are, when people are, you're viewing the choices in front of

you, I think it's so easy to put yourself in that place. It's either this or that. Take a breath, take a step back, and see if you can view the options and choices that you have from a different angle because you should be able to find more than A, B. Hopefully it's A, B, C, D, E, F, or whatever, however you would want to structure it. Binary choices suck because you really limit yourself, you really corner yourself, and I just don't think it's the way the world works. So that's what I would suggest. My answer to your question is, yes, you should do both. All right now, changing gears.

Right now, I'm really struggling with a recent situation. I found out this past Thursday that my uncle, I'm going to leave the name out, was arrested in the city I'm going to leave the name out, for the attempt to lure a child from a Wawa bathroom out of the bathroom into his car. Here is my issue. I've heard from my aunt, who happened to be there while he was there, attested that he was only in the restroom for less than a minute and a half. There was another man in the stall next to the urinal, and he never heard or saw anything. With that said, I'm really bothered here. My uncle is one of the best people I know.

No criminal history. Never been inappropriate around anyone that I've ever seen or could imagine. But what if it's true? I want and believe in my heart he did not do this, but can't help but think about the what-if situation. I love my uncle to death, but I have a special place of hatred in my heart for child predators. It may be controversial, but I think that they should be shot. I'm going to go a step further and say that I share that, and I also would volunteer to do that. I would sleep like a fucking baby at night if they let me go in and execute convicted pedophiles so that they can

never harm another child again. I don't know what that says about myself. But if there are any organizations that have that job available. Please contact me immediately. Continuing on, it terrifies me that this be going on to my family, and at that, such an egregious charge. As this made national news, I have been put on temporary leave from my job, as in quotes, we need to ensure there is no involvement on your part in this evolving situation. Understand this is not a reflection on your character, but to ensure the company is facing no risk. I live in a different state and haven't left the state in months. So I don't know how that came to be a repercussion for something I didn't do or even knew about.

I don't know how to process things here. I've talked with my therapist about it, but that turned into more of a vent situation. I'm sorry for the long-winded question slash vent session, but I'd really appreciate any tips to deal with a tough situation like this. Wow. Okay. Complicated. Interesting choice by the organization or business that you work. for. I mean, so you're living in a state that is completely separate from where this occurred. You've had no travel from the state. I don't really, from an employer's perspective, I don't know how they could put a breadcrumb trail together on how you would actually have anything to do

with this unless they think there is like some coordinated effort at child exploitation between you and your uncle across state lines. the fact that they would go immediately to that, to me, is pretty wild. And I actually think, may preface this statement with the fact that I got my jurist doctorate by watching law and order, so I don't know shit about the law. I actually think by doing that to you and putting you on temporary leave probably puts them at more risk. Because what's their justification?

I mean, honestly, that's kind of a cuck move from the organization. that you work for. I mean, it's, I understand that right now in the culture that we live in, that like outrage is a currency in and of itself. But I don't see you having anything to do with this and a reasonable individual, which I hope that the organization that you work for is full of reasonable individuals should see that. I would hope that your temporary leave is paid. I don't have a clue what you do for a living. But to me, that sucks. Just because you might share a family tree with this individual does not mean that. you may have anything to do or do or should or would have anything to do with anybody else's

activities. Really weird move in my part. Okay. Let's talk for a second about how well do we really know other people. Actually, before I get into that, let me say this. I am appreciative that in this country, we have the opportunity to present a defense. Your uncle is going to have the opportunity to stand in judgment of his peers. And a jury, from my understanding of how the law works, especially with something like this, is going to decide whether or not the evidence and actions that did or maybe didn't occur in that bathroom warrant him being found guilty. Right? So innocent until proven guilty. I know it made headlines. But there have been plenty of things that I have seen in my life that have made headlines that turned out not being the case.

So when I talk about all this stuff, I am talking about it through the lens of innocent until proven guilty. All right. So where was I going with how well do we know people? I know myself really well. I know the things that I am willing to share about myself with the world. And I am not 100% transparent with what I say on camera. And, you know, I don't, I can't think of anything. I'm thinking about my relationship with my wife.

I can't think of any like some like secret that's locked away under lock and key. I'm like, oh my God, if this comes out, it's going to be fill in the blank. But I think it's safe to say, we don't. always share our inner thoughts and are on every topic or perhaps even inner desires in every situation with everybody or maybe even anybody. I say that because at the end of the day, I have no doubt that your uncle has treated you incredibly well, that he's been a great uncle. But how well do we really know people? Is it possible? that your uncle did this?

100%. It's absolutely possible. Is it possible that this is not the first time that something like this could have happened? Yeah, 100%. And I say that because in your words, your uncle is one of the best people that you know. No criminal history, never been inappropriate around anyone that I've ever seen or could imagine. And that is exactly what an accomplished predator would sound like until they fucked up and got caught.

And I am not saying that that's your uncle. What I am saying, though, is that there are people out there who are 100% like this, who will snowball the rest of the world. They'll be the best neighbor. They'll be the best friend. They'll be the shoulder to listen and cry. And then you're going to find out that they wear, like they're wearing people's skin like a fucking leotard with their dick tucked on, you know,

Friday nights howling at the full moon. How that particular visual came to me, I don't know. This is a real exploration to me, I guess, in this episode as well. Those people are out there and they exist. And from my understanding, I've done a little bit of diving into like the true crime podcast and document. I love that shit. There are people out there in this country and all over the world actively doing the most heinous and horrendous things. They are predators in every sense of the word.

And it's invisible to almost everybody around them until they get caught. And then when you start pulling on that yarn, it blows people. people's hair back on how the depth and breadth of what they were able to do under the noses and eyes and ears of everybody else that's around them. And again, I am not saying that that's your uncle, but the most accomplished of predators are going to be the ones that you would never suspect. So, again, I'm going to presume innocence until proven guilty. But let's say, let's talk a little bit in the hypothetical because your question is about, how do you deal with this? Let's assume it goes to court or let's hypothesize in an imaginary world

if you'd like to that it goes to court and he's found guilty. What do you do that? Well, you're going to have to separate your feelings about the uncle that you've had for your life and the actions that he took hypothetically. And that's going to be a really, really difficult thing because you have never been on the receiving end of those type of actions. And actually this individual has shown you the exact opposite of that. They've shown you the loving uncle that I hope everybody's uncle is for them, a mentor, somebody that they can look up to, somebody that they can lean on, all of those things.

You can't discount that that individual was those things to you, but you also can't discount what that individual was convicted of doing, should it go down that path. And at the end of the day, like all families are fucked up. I have these conversations with people and they're like, ah, man, my family is perfect. I'm like, you are such a fucking liar. Like, let's go back a few generations in the family tree.

And I'm not saying that something like this would occur in every family tree. But every family tree has a branch or two of crazy. And an acorn are on top of that as well. A couple branches, couple acorns are crazy. And sometimes they fall and they bash shit up and it can get a little bit wild. Somebody being your family, you know, to me, family, and I've said this many times, It's less about the genetics and the blood that's coursing through your veins. And it's more about how people treat you and they care for you.

They're there for you when you need them. If they're reliable, if they treat you as if you are loved and they care about you. And it sounds like your uncle did all of those things. But he still could have done all of those things and been this other person outside of the view and scope of everybody else in your family. And you're going to have to figure out a way to balance that. would it be okay to still care for your uncle for who he was and be disgusted by the actions that he took and hope and want for him to be punished for them? Yeah.

Yeah, I think that would be totally appropriate. And I think that would be really, really hard inside of your head. There is some mental geometry in there that I would recommend you continue talking to a therapist about because I am not an expert on how you would come to to, to grips with that, but it's not like you're going to be able to forget everything up until this point. But again, it's now you've opened a door and you've walked through it. It's not really like you can backpedal out of it and forget what you've seen. So you're going to have to figure out a way to balance the two. People at the end of the day, they're showing you what they want you to see.

Nobody knows at the end of the day what people are actually thinking, what it is they actually want to do. I'd like to believe, and I do. I do. I do. I do. operate that most people are altruistic that they are trying to do their best. But fuck, at the end of the day, nobody knows what's going on behind the eyes and between the ears. So you've arrived at a place where you have additional data points. And I would say start separating buckets and viewing those buckets perhaps a little bit independently. If your uncle is guilty of doing something like this, and again, I know I'm being repetitive, but It's important, innocent until proven guilty.

If he's found guilty, I hope he's punished to the absolute extent of the law. Because I land, like I said, exactly where you do. I hate probably more than anything in this world people who are willing to prey on children. And the amount of imagination and time that I am personally willing to invest to punish them is nearly unlimited. Tough spot. I would also say let the process work itself out. You don't have to have all the answers to this situation right now. Let the process that exists for a reason, play itself out, keep going and talking to your therapist, talk to them, ask them.

Ask them, how should I think about these things? How can I have these conflicting opinions about the same person? Is there a way to balance this? Is there a way where they both should survive or should I snuff out one and allow one to grow? I don't know the answer to those things, but I know that there are people out there that do. So go talk to those people and seek their advice and guidance. That's what I would recommend. Shitty situation and dig a little bit more into your employer.

I'm not digging the fact that they put you on leave, even though your state's away. It's a little fishy to me that that happened. All right. Last question. 2023 has been nuts. Well, we're only halfway through it. So you know, you got to give it the chance to get a little bit more. crazy. I filed for divorce after 18 years. My wife of 18 years decided to go back to drinking and

smashed her car into our home. I celebrate my 20-year sobriety birthday in two weeks, which is in May, I don't know when this came in. It might be actually right now. I sold the interest in my business. 27 years with the same auto group and 15 years in the auto finance company, I found it. I started seeing a woman 22 years younger than me. She is 29. I am 51, who worked with me. My partners paid her off with a severance and offered me to stay on as an employee overseeing the operation as I was doing as I was doing and I accepted. I would be working under the 40-something eldest son of the senior and wealthiest partner who knows virtually nothing about the operation but was willing. I booked a trip to Cayman, I'm assuming you mean the Cayman Islands, to celebrate my sobriety birthday and to decompress from the whirlwind year. Last Wednesday, on my off day, I was summoned to the off.

office of my new found boss. He told me he is not allowing my vacation, in parentheses, would have been my first in three and a half years, because business isn't strong and I need to show my commitment to him. I explained it's paid for and booked and super important, but when I return, I will be a rock star and committed to advancing his vision. He reiterated his point, I am not allowing you to take this trip, but maybe you can end a couple of months ago. We will see. As a man, I just couldn't accept. this weasel dictating to me. I wanted to jump across the table and strangle him, but thankfully I did not. He terminated my employment after 27 years on the spot. No severance, no thanks for the time,

nothing. I returned my company truck the next day and cleared out my office. After the divorce and taxes, I will be left out, I will be left with about $1.5 million in the bank. No job, a beautiful woman, and her daughter in my life, who am I love. I am healthier and stronger than ever and committed to personal excellence in all areas. Not even sure why I type this to you, but your thoughts on how you would have handled this would be appreciated along with any directions or impressions. Next seasons of life, let's go. Okay, interesting email. God, where do you start on something like this? Because there's a few things that I'm curious about. You know, when I answer these emails, I have to answer them based off the information provided to me. And many times I wish I could

sit across from the person and ask questions. First question I would ask is, why do they have to pay off the woman you're seeing now with the severance? Is that something like, was it considered fraternization inside of your organization? Why did your partners feel the need to do so? And it may not be really germane to why you wrote in, but I'm just curious. Was there a scandal of some kind associated with this? Is there an optic that they're trying to avoid? I don't know. I just got some questions. You know, when it comes to your interaction with your boss, this type of shit pisses me off. When people in a leadership position will say, you got to show your loyalty. It's like, dude, you just explained that you worked for the business for 27 years and haven't taken a vacation

in three and a half years. What the fuck are you talking about when it comes to loyalty? If that's not an indication of loyalty, sticking with an occupation for that long, I don't really know what is. But I will say this. This highlights a point. that happens all the time. It happened in the military. It happens, I think, probably in every organization on the face of the planet. And that is this desire to make you feel like your family. And I'm here to tell you that you're not.

It is a job. The military, the SEAL community does a very good job, especially when you start talking about leaving, of making you feel bad about it. Those are the words that I would describe. I don't think you'd find that anywhere in doctrine, but anybody who started talking about leaving the military, like, oh man, like, what are we going to do without you?

We need you to do this, that, and the other. And the reality is the second that you leave, you're replaced. Nobody is irreplaceable. And the organization that you worked for, you know, like, I don't care how they phrased it. At the end of the day, it's just a job. And don't lose side of that. When push comes to shove, if the numbers were upside down and, let's say the whole mantra and motto was, oh, it's family and we care so deeply, guess what's going to happen for the

business to survive. They're going to start exercising people off their head camp. They're just going to start shaving away. It's like, God damn, man, I thought we were family. Like, yeah, you might talk like that, but it's business. And nobody should be surprised when things like this happened. Because he fired you on the spot after 27 years. I get it. It's a job. You went in, you turned your shit in. It's like, okay, for everybody listening, use this as A reminder. This could easily be you at any company that you work with, regardless of how long you've been there, regardless of the terminology that they used to describe the internal culture, everybody is replaceable. And when push comes to shove, somebody who worked at an organization

for 27 years, let go on this spot. And the business doesn't really care. They just move on. Don't confuse one for the other. I actually think it's a really good point to highlight. I've made this mistake myself. I felt it myself. And it's honestly one of the things that has driven me that lights that fire of motivation for me is I don't ever want to work for somebody else again. I want to do the things that I want to do in the way that I want to do them. And if I fail, that's on me. But I don't want to work in a hierarchical structure where I have a boss to report to. And that's not to say that you're never going to have people that you're responsible or reporting to. but I want the flexibility to make my own decisions

and suffer the consequences of those decisions on my own. Sounds like you're going to go on a vacation. It's cool that you found somebody outside of your wife of 18 years. That sucks that she relapsed. And I'll end with this. You know, at the end you wrote this, I'm not even sure why I type this to you. But I think you are.

I think at the end of the day, a lot of times people don't feel or know in their heart whether or not they've made the right decision. And on some very critical decisions in my life, I know that I have made the right decision because I never had a second of hesitation or doubt. And I knew even when the decision was made, and it was large decisions, whether it's changing occupations, relation status, whatever it may be, you know it's the right thing to do. I am curious if you are feeling that way about your situation. I suspect that you might be on the fence a little bit.

And I think that's okay. But I also think that there's a reason that people end up on the fence and they're like, ah, it's like, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. And then sometimes you're like, yep, there is no doubt in my mind. I have just done the right thing. Maybe those decisions are bigger. Maybe they're more concrete in what the vision looks like. But if you have doubt,

If you have hesitation, I wouldn't avoid those things. I would explore those things. I'm not saying you should change any of your plans, but maybe try to figure out why you feel that way. You've made some big life choices. Well, one was made for you, occupationally. The other one, you filed for divorce after 18 years. That was your choice. You found somebody else.

You don't have money in the bank. And you're probably going to figure out what you're going to do next. There's a lot of moving pieces, right? The tectonic plates are shifting around in your life. I would make decisions slowly. you have a financial buffer that will allow you to do so. And I would make them with your brain more than your heart. I'm not saying you have to make all decisions from a super logical perspective.

You know, when your decision to be with somebody else and the daughter that's in her life, which is not going to be a part of your life, like there's a logical aspect of that. I understand the emotional component as well. Outside of that, take your time, take a breath, and logically work your way through these things to a place where you, if have hesitation and doubt, you understand where it comes from. I would hope with this situation that you're in a place where you have no doubt. And you are 100% sure. But I don't think you are because you wrote this email to me.

And that's okay. Give it some more thought. Think it over a little bit more. I would avoid dumping your life into fifth gear and accelerating as hard as possible. It's really easy to get caught in that trap. Next season of life, here we go. Cool. Most like check all the mirrors and make sure we're not going to pull out into oncoming traffic.

That's the advice that I have. Hopefully that makes sense. See you guys on Monday.