Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Full Auto Friday - Round 115

Episode Date: July 22, 2022

Rapid Fire Q and A to finish off the week: 1. I feel like I need to leave my job, but I don't want to leave my boss or my students hanging 2. Family WWIII weeks before my wedding, what should I do 3. Domestic violence 4. Is it time for me to hang it up as a paramedic Enjoy

Well, hello, everybody. It's Friday, which means tomorrow's Saturday, which means that today, though, it's time for full Auto Friday. Little listener submitted Q&A. Now, next Friday, I'm going to declare it now. I was trying to do it this Friday. I'm going to do a debrief and lesson learned from my trip to Iceland because what we wanted it to be and what it ended up being were two different things. And I will get into that next week. But for this week, let's do some Q&A. In this episode, is brought to you, the listener of viewer, by you, by the support that you have given me by supporting the podcast, allowing me to do this, enriching my life by allowing me to do this, and by being out there and living your best life and earning your place in society, my new favorite term. That's it. Fullota Friday, 15. Let's kick this thing right in the dick.

Here we go. Four questions for this lovely Friday so we can all get out and enjoy our weekend. Beautiful weather right now in Montana. I hope that it holds. It was a little bit late. Getting out of spring, I would almost describe the weather as bipolar. A little bit of ups and downs and lefts and rights. But it seems like we're on track.

A little bit warmer than usual, I think. But I'll take it. The lake is beautiful. And if you're looking for somewhere that you should visit, I think Montana is a great choice. Now, let us get into the questions for today. Question number one. I am a four-stripe brown belt and one of the main instructors at my Jiu-Jitsu Academy for the kids program and adult fundamentals. I love teaching and without being an egotistical dickhead, I'm pretty good at it. The couple who own and operate the gyms are going through a rough patch and likely will end in divorce.

They communicate like preteens. They hold grudges and can never admit that they are wrong about anything. It is for sure going to explode and the ship will slam directly into the rock. As I help run the school, I am an integral part of helping run the school, and there's no easy way to pull myself out. Also, I'd have to find a new source of income, as this is my main gig right now. I know the best, in air quotes, thing to do is run as far and as fast as possible, but I feel like I'll be hanging the owner and my students out to dry. The owner is not the best at communication, and he's going to feel like I'm letting him down after he gave me responsibility. How would you navigate this?

It's a great question. You're working for somebody. It's your sole point and source of income for right now. But what you are describing, the leadership that is above you, the husband and wife couple, which can certainly be a challenge when it comes to being in business when you're significant other. Don't sound like they're setting the best example when it comes to leadership via either communication, an inability to admit when they are wrong, holding grudges, all of those aren't great things. You don't want to see that obviously from somebody that you're working for, and you don't want to actually let that cascade downhill and see other people or have other people see you acting in that way as well.

So what I would suggest, since you feel like that this is going to be a ship that slams directly into the rocks, to use your words, and it's currently your sole source of income, I would perhaps start putting some feelers out there right now because if you have determined that there's going to be a catastrophe in the future or that it's likely maybe try. try to solve or handle that issue right now. So when that does happen, although it might be a catastrophe for them, it'll just become a contingency for you, something that you have already thought through and put some time and effort into. Food for thought. I'm not saying that you should quit. I'm not saying you should give your two weeks notice. But if you see a problem on the horizon and the person driving the ship is unable or unwilling to turn the wheel, maybe it's time for you to look a little bit left and right more and figure out the best option for you. There's a reason why there are life rafts and lifeboats on big ships. It's in case you need to get off of them.

So I don't think the best thing for you to do is to run as far and as fast as possible. And I say that because of what you said about the students. Yes, you are an integral part of helping run the school. And although it may feel like there is no easy way for you to pull yourself out, what I'm going to tell you is this. One of the organizations that is the best at making you feel like you are irreplaceable is the United States military. And even inside of that, the special operations community, and even inside of that, the seal teams. Team first. There is no I in team. There is a me, though, by the way. I don't think you should act that way, but I'm just pointing out some basic spelling. They will make it seem like the team cannot go on without you.

And then when you do decide to leave, for whatever reason you decide to leave, personal or professional, guess what happens? They replace you immediately, and the machine continues on. So wrap your head around the concept that nobody is irreplaceable to include the owners of this gym as well. So that goes both up and down. But I do like the fact that you wrote in here that you worry about hanging the students out to dry. Coaching for people who have never coached is an interesting dynamic. When I was doing strength and conditioning coaching, I would say 20% of my time was spent actually talking to somebody about moving a barbell. And about 80% of the time was just listening and actually.

like an underpaid therapist, which I was okay with because I enjoy being in that environment, but you develop when you are a coach a connection and relationship to your students or clients, depending on the vernacular that you use. Jiu-jitsu is a very, no pun intended, hands-on activity. There's a level of trust that you get with your training partners. And I believe you said, yep, you're working the kids program. There's a lot of trust that parents put into you to teach their children something that could be, exceptionally dangerous. You know, joints only move to a certain degree, and if you're not running the

class appropriately and not paying attention and maybe teaching above the skill set, it's certainly possible that people could hurt themselves. So there's a lot of trust. There are ways, though, that you could exit without necessarily violating that trust. The first thing that you could do is just be very open and honest and let the parents know ahead of time, as I would suggest that you let the owners know if you do decide to go into a different direction, don't drop it on them overnight. At a minimum, I would give the owners a two-week notice, but I'd probably give them the 30 days, and I would do the same thing with the parents, and just let them know that you are going to be moving on, but also something that I would recommend for you is that you are going to help the owners

find somebody to replace what you do, and you're going to help train them and help integrate them into the class. So you are going to be able to detach without hanging anybody out to dry. Now, the last sentence here, the owner is not the best at communication, and he's going to feel like I'm letting him down after he gave me responsibility. It sounds to me like this owner is very lucky to have you as an employee. And some businesses survive and thrive in spite of the ownership, not because of the ownership. And I suspect that this might be one of those cases. So, yes, he has empowered you and he has given you some responsibility.

but you need to understand that loyalty has to go in both directions. Okay. If he's not treating you with the same level of loyalty that you are showing to him, or if you don't think that he would, then this relationship balance is a skew. Yes, he's empowered you with responsibility. And hopefully he's paying you the commensurate rate to go with that responsibility, but just understand at the end of the day it's a job.

And I can't really think of a job that is worth you being. utterly miserable or having to deal with or work inside of this environment. I would start by just having a conversation with them. And, you know, maybe there's a chance that they would empower you even more. Maybe you could step into more of a managerial role and actually do a lot of the things that perhaps they are arguing about or struggling with or having a difficulty communicating with. And with that additional responsibility and empowerment, if you're smart, you're going to ask for more money because in the end of the day, if you improve their business, you're going to be

making them more money. But I see this very often. People will work their way into a position and they will feel like that they owe their superior or manager boss something because they gave them an elevated position. You probably worked for that position. You're getting paid for that position. You have probably earned your way into that position. I hope all of those things are true. But at the same time, it is still just a job. Your boss needs to set a good example, both personally and professionally. They need to treat you commensurately with the position that you are holding. And if they don't, I don't care how much responsibility they gave you. They're a piece of shit. And you don't need to deal with that. So I'm not telling you to run away. I don't think the best thing for you to do

is actually detach as quickly as possible. Just start looking at other options. People don't realize, likely because this doesn't make it into any of the movies, that we will, on average, spend 72 hours planning for a mission that might last for six, and most of that time is spent identifying contingencies and the solution to those contingencies. So when you, find yourself in a crisis, you've already made most of the decisions. It really helps. It turns things into a branch diagram. If this happens, do this. Or did this happen? Yes, no, and you can just work your way through it. So, and maybe at the end of the day, what you need to do is think about opening your own gym. Because for listeners out there who don't understand the belt system

when it comes to Jitsu, I suspect you've probably been at this a good amount of time. For gyms that do stripes on belts, you'll get the belt first, and then one, two, three, then your fourth stripe and then right after that, not right after, but in some period of time that's not going to be really long, you will get the next belt. And after brown, with four stripes on it, is black. So you're probably approaching, if not beyond a place where you could teach and structure an environment that would better suit you and your personality. Question two. The title of this was Family World War Three weeks before my wedding. I grabbed this question because I am weeks before my wedding as well, and I was very curious as to what you have to say.

Also, you open with hoping this catches your eye before your next fall out of Friday, and you ended it with your meeting with your family next Monday, meaning one, two, three days before this comes out. So let's get into this. I was hoping to get your opinion on a situation I find myself in just weeks before getting married. There has been serious turmoil in my family since my sister was murdered in 2010. Fuck, what an opener. I'm incredibly sorry to hear about that.

I can only imagine the geometry that that creates inside of a family. The primary point of contention lies between my brother and my mom. My brother is 44 and is 14 years older than me. He has an ongoing feud with my mother. My mother was 17 when she had him and was in an abusive relationship. She left his biological father and got into another abusive relationship. after that relationship, when my brother was five, she met my father. He took him in and treated him 1,000% like his own child, so much so that I didn't even find out that he was my half-brother

until I was 18 years old. I didn't really appreciate being kept in the dark on that one, but it also gives you an idea of how he was treated identically to my sister and I. Since my sister passed, he and my mom have been at each other's throats on and off, sometimes going more than a year without speaking. This puts me in an awkward position having to be the mediator or liaison between those two. Now I'm going to stop here before we get into the wedding related questions. This puts me in an awkward position having to be the mediator or liaison between the two. That's a choice. And when I answer questions, this gives me an opportunity to bring something else up. When I answer questions, generally, unless somebody writes in about somebody who is doing something

which I consider to be horrendous, I answer with zero judgment whatsoever. And I have to answer based off of exactly what you wrote. So if there is a mischaracterization or phrasing, and that changes my answer because of that, I'm sorry. I'm doing the best that I can based off the information that I have. But this sentence right here is saying that you have to be the mediator, it's a choice. Families are super fucked up. I maybe not in the current generation, maybe not in the generation before, but do some digging into your family. And you're going to find a point in time where human beings are treating other people that they are related to genetically by blood like shit. So, to me, family is much more about how people treat each other than it is the blood coursing

through your veins or the genetic chromosonal connection and link between the two of them. I mean, literally how much would you let somebody shit on your head just because you are related to them in comparison to somebody who you are not related to and you would chop them out of your life. So to me, it's much more about how they are willing to treat you. can you feel like you're obligated to act like a mediator or liaison between the two? Yeah, I bet that you can. And I totally completely and utterly understand that. But just remember at the end of the day, you don't have to.

And it's a choice. It's so frustrating to want more for people than they want for themselves. And you may want to be a mediator or liaison more than your mother and your brother. Okay. So moving on. this brings me to my conundrum my fiance and i are getting married in a couple of weeks and i do not want there to be any drama tension at our wedding we feel like we deserve this and i'm going to stop right there you 100 percent deserve this um without even reading any further on i'm very grateful that

i have no drama leading up to uh the wedding that i'm about to have but it can certainly be stressful we're bringing a lot of people in from a lot of different places and we're all going to be together and they're going to be eating good food and drinking good drinks. And I think just from a perspective of weddings, because I'm going to tie this in later into my answer, that it's really easy for people to forget what weddings are actually about. They're about the two people that are getting married. Weddings can be super cheap.

They can be super expensive. And both of those versions and everything in between, I hope that at the end of the day, people realize it's about the two people standing up there getting married. not the potential drama that could come from people in the audience or people on the invite list or anything in between the families especially when you start tying in divorces and people getting remarried or family members that haven't seen each other in years or that's our crazy uncle or all of that stuff and you can think about all of those things and it's really easy to lose sight of what it's about so my point in saying all that is before I even get even farther into this answer is just don't lose sight

regardless of what you do, what this day is supposed to be about. It's supposed to be about you and your fiance. Okay. I've convinced my brother, mother, and father, in parentheses, my parents are divorced and now remarried, to sit down and have a discussion. This will be the first time we will all be together with the intention of hashing out whatever issues are between my brother and my parents, mostly with my mother. My brother tells me he has issues from his past that have caused him to seek out significant drug and alcohol use that have almost cost his marriage, him his marriage on multiple occasions. Full stop. We all have issues from our past, present, and maybe in our future that could make it very easy to say, we know what, I need to

use drugs and alcohol to cope with this. And that is total and complete bullshit. That's a fucking excuse from your brother. And I'd recommend not allowing those type of things to enter into the conversation that you were about to have. We all have shit in our backpack that we have to carry. Maybe it's from when you were younger. Maybe it's from when you were older. But there are plenty of healthy options and alternatives other than drugs and alcohol. Are those two maybe the easiest? Perhaps. Do they actually solve anything though? No, they don't. But again, it's a fucking choice. And I hate it when people say things like, well, the things in my past, they force me to do this or they cause me to do this. It's like, no, you're choosing to do that

and what you're doing is making the excuse of the baggage that you have as the causal factor. You need to go look in the mirror and that's going to be your causal factor. I'm not saying that this is easy and I know people have dealt with horrendous shit. That doesn't mean you have to dive into the bottom of a pill bottle or a liquor bottle. We continue. He says he cannot forgive my mother and my father for some things that happened when he was much younger, which he has not elaborated on. They have tried professional counseling once or twice, but it never went anywhere.

My brother and mother are both fly off the handle types with sharp tongues and always, in all caps, need to prove they are right no matter how much they need to bend the truth. They constantly blame each other and manipulate what each other says to make it fit their narrative. I hear both sides of their stories and I can never tell who is lying and who is telling the truth. My question for you is, how would you handle this situation? I've asked them all to come together at once so we can try to hash this out. My rationale behind this is, if both of my parents are there and you, can discuss everything together instead of playing the he said she said game, it will give everyone

the opportunity to actually describe the past as they remember it. It will give everyone the chance to speak their mind and defend themselves. My hope is to be able to provide the situation or a situation where it's speak now or forever hold your peace. This has been going on for almost 12 years and I'm at a point where I feel like they should try this last stitch effort to fix it and if it doesn't work then go their own separate ways. I'm afraid this will turn into a shouting match resulting in someone storming out. However, I can't stand by and do nothing because I know there will be tension at my wedding and I honestly just want everyone to enjoy the day. Any thoughts, ground rules for the meeting strategy? Any thoughts ground rules for the meeting slash strategies on how you

handle this would be awesome. Meeting with them next Monday. Well, from what you've written, it sounds like you have a real shit sandwich on your hands. I'm not so sure that if you get everybody into a room that you are going to become free and clear of the he said, she said environment. If your brother and your mother are both the fly off the handle type, and they always need to prove that they're right no matter what and no matter how much they need to bend the truth, it's not going to matter whether or not they are doing that separately or individually. So much like the first question, if I were you, I would start thinking about some contingencies here. Best case scenario. Everybody comes together. They were able to have.

hash out their problems, shake hands, hug it out, cry it out, whatever it's going to be, and they go to your wedding, and it's an amazing day. Worst case scenario, they come in here, you attempt to have this conversation, and things leave worse than they are right now. What are you prepared to do if that happens? What are you prepared to do to protect your fiancé from having to deal with this bullshit on a day that should be very important and impactful to not only her, but to you? She is about to become your family as well. You need to think about those things. I would lay some ground rules in this and, you know, food for thought or, you know, not necessarily food for thought. I would say thinking in real time, if I was forced to do something like this and I knew that people were going to explode and they understood why they were coming together, that's one thing that I would lay out from the beginning is that we are going to hash this out or attempt to hash this out and let them know the reason for it because you don't want to.

this bullshit to spill over onto your wedding day. One of the ground rules that I might lay is that if you have an explosion and you refuse to work your way through these issues and you need to storm off, don't bother coming to the wedding. So if I mean enough to you, then you should be able to sit here and work your way through this. And at the end of the day, if you want to make this all about you and defending yourself is more important than coming to my wedding, then fuck right. off into the sunset. That's what I would recommend. Or that's something that I would consider laying out as a ground rule. Also realize that you may want them to work through this more than they want to work through this. You are obviously doing this because you want to avoid tension at your

wedding. They may have little or no interest in actually doing this and it could spiral wildly out of control. So I would explain to them why you want them to get together. So it's not a shotgun or surprise in the moment, I would lay ground rules. And those ground rules would be around raising your voice, you know, allowing somebody to finish speaking, not necessarily elevating an argument, being able to work through an issue. And I'd probably also lay out the ground state or the ground state, the end state that you are looking for. Let's say it all goes to shit and you can't get past these things, but you still want these people to come to your wedding. I would literally do everything you logistically can to keep them separate from each other, and I would tell them

that up front. I would be like, listen, I don't want you interacting at all at my wedding. Because again, if you do that and you seek out an argument with somebody else, you're making the event about you and not about the people getting married. And if you're going to do that, fuck off. Don't bother coming. Send me a thumbs up text, congrats, and sail off into the sunset. because I don't want to deal with that shit at your wedding. And then I also would probably assign somebody that you trust. I mean, this is something fucked up to ask somebody to do. But I would basically assign a minder and a monitor to each one of these parties

are the two that you are the most worried about just to help and make sure that they don't interact with each other at all. And if they do start interacting with each other, somebody is on it, Johnny on the spot, and it gets broken up. Because at the end of the day, again, this day needs to be about. you. If they won't agree to do that, you need to think really long and hard what it means to you to have them there at your wedding. And I know that sounds like something super shitty to say. But the wedding is about you and your future wife. It's not about the past bullshit that your

family is unable to currently work themselves through. And on that, you know, they tried counseling once or twice. Yeah, cool story. Counseling doesn't work. The work you do in counseling is actually what makes a difference. And it's not a, it's not a Tylenol that you take when you have a headache. I'm like, oh, I feel better now. I can move on. No, it takes time. If this stuff is in the past and your brother has issues that he is unable to let go of,

it's going to take a while for that to unpack. It's going to be more than one or two times. But, I mean, that's probably a conversation for a different time, since you're going to have this conversation with your family pretty rapidly. But just food for thought when it comes to therapy. Please write back to me and let me know. how this little family combo went. Question three.

Domestic violence was the subject line. Good morning, Andy. I discovered your podcast a few months ago, and I'm almost up to date and even relistened to episodes because I have great guests on. I appreciate that, thank you. To the topic I emailed you about, and to keep it short, my neighbors argue,

and he grapples and throws his partner about, and I can hear this. I, however, freeze up and do what I did as a child growing up with my parents' domestics. I put headphones in, and hide in a safe place. It really plays on my mind that I'm not a good person or the person I should want to be by hiding from this.

The last time I helped, she went back to him within weeks. What do I do and how do I get over freezing and emotionally becoming a child again and reliving my past? Thank you for providing thought-provoking and entertaining podcasts that keep me sane at work and traveling. This sucks, and it ties in a little bit to what I said about the previous questions, brother. We all have things from our past that inform who we are now.

We all have baggage. We all have shit that we have to deal with. Maybe it's from your parents. Maybe it was from a relationship. Maybe it was from an occupation that you had that exposed you to a lot of things. How you deal with that and what you become from that, I personally believe, is largely up to you. and whether or not you choose to use it as a motivation or a roadblock. When it comes to domestic violence, I have a very clear compass direction on this topic.

It is never acceptable in either direction. It's interesting how many people think that domestic violence is a man attacking a woman. And I don't understand why a woman attacking a man is somehow less palatable or toleratable. They're both equally wrong and they should be addressed every single time. Now, when you were a child and your parents were going through this issue, I can't say I blame you at all for trying to drown out the noise and hide in a safe place. But you didn't necessarily say how old or young that you were. But that doesn't surprise me. I think that's a very common thing. But think about the impact that it's had on you. And now put yourself into the position

of the partner that's being grappled and thrown around, would you want somebody to step in and do something about that? Would you want somebody to step in and do something about what was happening between your mom and dad using the lens of time in the rear view mirror now? I suspect that the answer is always going to be yes. Now, am I saying that you need to pick up a wrench or a gun and go next door and handle business on your own? No, I would say escalate this appropriately. You know, if you can hear somebody having the shit beat out of them, depending on who you are, what you believe, your capabilities, what you feel comfortable doing, in some situations, depending on what I heard, it would be a knock on the door and kicking the shit out of somebody. And I would accept the consequences of those actions, but it doesn't have to be that. And there are a variety of levels in things that it could occur leading up to that point.

there's nothing stopping you from making a telephone call and telling a higher level of authority or a higher level of care what it is that you are hearing there are occupations that exist to respond to things like this now you helped in the past and she went back to him within weeks you cannot control that you cannot control her behavior but you can control yours and when it comes to trauma i'm not an expert on trauma but from what i have heard heard and listened to and read when it comes to allowing trauma to control you or traumatic events to control you into the future, one of the best ways to change that path or that locus of control is to confront them head on. And again, I'm not saying go grab a kitchen knife and

tie a dining room. What the hell do you call it goes on top of a dining room table? A towel. Now I'm not talking about a dining room table, but a towel. You go to your bathroom and you tie a towel around your neck like Superman. You get a kitchen knife and you go flying out the window. I'm not saying that. But not doing anything. Hiding from it again is kicking that can down the road and it is controlling you and you are not controlling it. I think you will be better as a person. And I would also be careful how you talk to yourself and how you think about yourself. It really plays on my mind that I'm not a good person or the person I should or want to be. Like I said, we all carry different rocks in our backpack. This is one that's very close to you, and so it's impacting you deeply. It doesn't mean that you're not a good person because you're not kicking down the door or trying to act like Superman. If you realize, though, that you're not acting like the person that you should or want to be because you're hiding from this, then change your course of action. at least elevate it to the next or higher level of care that you can and then let people who are

deputized or empowered with additional authorities respond to something like this. And I don't know the legalities when law enforcement comes to a door. It's different by country, but I do believe that there are thresholds when police respond, especially if there is physical evidence of domestic violence, that there are mandatory actions that they have to take, but you don't need to worry about that. The first step that you can take is just notifying a higher level of care so that that person that you are hearing having the shit beat out of them doesn't have to live in that every single day. And then you can start feeling better about yourself because you know you took a step in the right direction. It's the best

advice I can give you on that one. That sucks. I'm sorry that you were living in this, but there are things that you could do to probably change the outcome and circumstances for both of you. Last one. Big fan of the podcast. I'm going through some shit right now. We give you a little backstory on myself. I'm 39 years old. Spent most of my adult life in the military. Four years in the Marine Corps, eightish years in the Army, medically discharged due to a knee injury. I was an infirmine and infantry men in both branches and deployed multiple times to Iraq in Afghanistan. Finished my career as a sergeant first class, a platoon sergeant at the 10th Mountain Infantry Division. When I got out, I just wanted a job and I stumbled into EMS. I'm a paramedic on the East Coast, and I've been doing the job since 2015, and I've seen some crazy shit. Recently, I had a call that was bad, and it rattled me. Honestly, I don't get it, because I have had worse calls, but for some reason, this specific call rocked me. I'm having issues sleeping, crying a lot, and just not doing well.

I don't know if I have reached my limits. I mean, I've been getting after it and putting myself in high-stress situations since I was 18. Maybe all the trauma I have experienced is catching up with me and I got too many ghosts hanging out in my head, but it's bad. I'm drinking too much and I fear going to work. The anxiety is almost crippling. I feel like a pussy. I've been through worse shit and I just don't get it. A part of me thinks it's time to put the rucksack down and maybe find a career that is less exciting.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still working out training jihitsu and going through the motions of bettering myself. but I know I am not in a good spot right now. So my question is, should I be done with this shit? Is it healthy to be arriving? Is it healthy to be arriving like this for such a long period of time? Confusing sentence, I don't know what you meant there. I have a hard time saying, yeah, because I'm pretty good at being a paramedic. I don't know, man.

Sorry for the shit. Writing I have never been good at. Anyways, thanks for what you do. should you be done with this shit? I think the answer to that is maybe. First piece of advice, stop drinking right now. And that might be one of the hardest things that you have to do. You're using it as a coping mechanism, but it doesn't actually help with anything.

And it could probably make you from an emotional perspective much, much worse. So the easiest thing for you to do is to stop drinking. Now, I'm going to kind of hit at this at a variety of different angles. is it time for you to stop doing this job? Is it time for you to move on to something else? I don't know, but I think you have other options that you could explore before doing that. When it comes to the things that you have described, you know, your military career and the things that you saw, I think a lot of military people fall into that bucket. And I think stress, post-traumatic stress specifically, I personally believe that it's very cumulative, but I also think it's very individual.

So if you were to look at people like glasses, and you had six friends that you were going to experience eight years worth of things with. First off, each one of those glasses would have a different volume in it or a different capacity to hold volume. You might have a 40 ounce, and then you might have a shot glass, and then you might have a 12 ounce or 18 ounce and everything in between those. And what I've experienced at least, or what I've seen firsthand, is that not only do people have a different capacity in their ability to tolerate that stress and also, decompress from it, but the same event experienced across multiple people puts a different volume in each glass. You might go through something that you consider to be horrendous. And again, you're sharing this experience with six people. For you, it might be a one-ounce shot glass. For somebody else, it might be a drop. And for somebody else, it might be 40 ounces in their

20-ounce cup, and it is flowing everywhere, and they are coming off the rails. So you have to look at this individually. And the best way I think to do that is to go seek somebody out who does this professionally. I do believe that that type of stress from the military and the things that you likely saw in Iraq and Afghanistan are cumulative. But I don't think that they should be allowed to ruin your life. And I think for almost everyone, if you dedicate yourself to working on those issues with people who are trained to do so, you can actually be a better person from it. And I've talked about this before on the podcast, post-traumatic growth versus post-traumatic stress. They're both tied, but amazing things in your life can come from those experiences that you had.

Now, when it comes to your job in EMS, I don't know about your experience in the military, but I also had some of the best times in my life in the military, both in Iraq and Afghanistan. And we would have long periods of time. We weren't doing much other than fucking with each other and everybody else around us. And not every target that we went on by actually a vast majority was a gunfight. And it wasn't all, you know, it wasn't all the shit that you guys see in the movies, which is like a 20-year career compressed into like five minutes of an action scene. My point in saying all that is, is there is decompression time that is built into that.

And you can kind of clock in a little bit when you know you're going to go overseas for a deployment. And you know when you come back from that, that the threshold and risk is much, much less. And I think that gives you the opportunity to decompress a little bit more. EMS, any type of first responder, the calls that you're going to are not awesome. You are seeing repetitive trauma from other people, things happening to other people on the daily, on the hourly, maybe multiple times per hour. You are responding to people's worst day of their lives. It's a very different type of stress, I think, from the volume perspective than in the military. So even though you may have seen quite a bit in your military experience, that doesn't necessarily mean that your cup is big enough to handle the things that you were seeing every single day.

Are you a pussy? No, you're not a pussy. You work in an extremely challenging environment. Like I said, you are responding to people on their worst days. Now, there was one sentence that jumped out at me on this. So don't get me wrong, I'm still working out training jiu-jitsu and going through the motions of bettering myself. I didn't like the term going through the motions because working out and training jiu-jitsu can be a fun hobby, but that doesn't mean that it's going to make you any better. Those are physical activities, which for me are directly tied to my mental health and sanity, for sure, but you can't go through the motions. It has to be very precise, purposeful effort that you are putting into yourself. One thing you didn't say in any of this is that you're either talking to your coach, or you are talking to a counselor. The things that are going on between your ears are not unique to you. Everybody who deals with the world that you have come from, both EMS and military,

is going to have some level of that occupation leaving a fingerprint on them. And that's okay, because I do believe that you can become better from that stress if you deal with it appropriately. So stop going through the motions and get very purposeful about what it is that you are doing. find somebody that you can talk to talk to somebody who is an expert in these things and allow them to facilitate an environment where you can do the work and perhaps in that dialogue you can go back and forth and then really determine whether or not you should be done with your occupation because maybe you should but maybe you shouldn't maybe you are a fantastic paramedic and I bet that you are and it would be a disservice to your community that you serve for you to stop and what

What you really need is a better stress relief valve and better steps to get to that stress relief as opposed to just hanging it up. Because if you do hang it up and you don't address these things, let me just tell you what's going to happen. This closet full of skeletons is going to follow you wherever you move, regardless if it's five miles or 50 occupations from now. They're still going to be there. So step one, put the sauce down. I'm not saying you can't ever drink, but I'm saying right now, while you feel this way, until you work this out, put it down. It's not going to help you.

It's only going to hurt you. Number two, find somebody to talk to. I bet the organization that you work for, if you work and you have a union, they might have a representation or already have a program set up. The company that you work for may have an organization or a company already set up for referrals. And if not, you still have the internet. You still could go out of pocket if you need to, if you absolutely had to. You know, people say it's expensive.

I completely agree with you. I pay for it as well. But you know what? How much is your happiness, sanity, and health worth you? Every penny that I have is my answer. So I can be a better person for the people that I am in, you know, sharing this life with. And it goes right back to the damn shirt I'm wearing. Earn your place.

You're definitely earning your place occupationally. And I don't say this negatively at all. But make sure that you are doing the work for yourself. so you can also earn your place in society as well. And that's all I got. See you guys Monday.