Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Full Auto Friday - Round 122

Episode Date: September 9, 2022

Rapid Fire Q and A to finish off the week: 1. How do I protect my body (required by my occupation) and not sound like a douche when advocating for who I want to roll with and who I do not at a new jiu jitsu school 2. My wife is a stay at home mom and I work full time with 1000+ hours per year to make ends meet, how do I change this dynamic before I become overly resentful 3. My wife doesn't want a gun in the house but I want to be able to protect our family, what should I do 4. How do you maintain your humility Enjoy

All right, here we go. It's Friday. We all know what that means. A little bit of Q&A. I'm going to try to keep it short and sweet. I'm sure people have heard me say that before and that I ramble like a monkey. But doing this in the early morning and starting a road trip down to my first elk hunt of the season. So let's get through this and get on to fill in the freezer. Full out of Friday, 122. Here we go. Let the red smoke. I'm looking at danger close now. All right. Four questions for today. Like I said in the intro, I'm going to get through this and then hopefully go chase some majestic beasts through the forest.

Question one. We've traded messages a few times before. Excuse me, about BJJ and aging as an athlete, mid-40s here. You have stated that it is important to choose a gym with a good culture and to choose your training partners wisely. Good advice and in my limited experience, it is wise. However, some gyms in some gyms, the coaches slash instructors will pair people up. How do you recommend dealing with this as a new guy that doesn't want to be a douche and start telling the instructor who he wants to roll with? I've rolled enough to tell the difference between good and bad partners, but as a new guy, it's hard to dictate training partners, in my opinion.

I have a job in law enforcement, and it's pretty catastrophic to have a banged up body like I have experienced previously. I feel like it is unacceptable to accept the fact that you will just be banged up if you do BJJ. That seems like a shitty way to live life. For reference, I tore all the ligaments in my right thumb as a right-handed guy, which as a sort of a sort of. SWAT guy is a big game changer. I don't mind the grind and some booboos here and there, but some of these major entries are counterproductive to being a valued teammate. Many valid points in this. And I actually don't think that you have to be banged up if you choose to do jujitsu. You hear a lot of people saying it's the gentle art. And I mean,

that's partially true. What I will say is you're not playing paddy cakes. But I have found in my own experience, if you find the right training partners, you can go nearly as hard and as fast as possible, and you're not going to hurt each other. If you find that partner that you have a lot of trust with, which is developed over time in the mats, and also as an individual, you don't hold on to things for too long. And you realize and recognize, hey, this is gone. So moving on to the next. I think that jiu-jitsu, or any activity, for that matter, should be a life-enhancing endeavor, not detracting. And if you're banged up all the time, that's not going to really help anybody. And I look at the swath of people that train in the gyms that I train in, and there is

a wide variety of ranges. Late teens, actually there's, obviously there's kids classes, so very early on, I don't train with those classes, obviously even though I would fuck them up. My takedown game would be amazing against seven-year-olds. I'd just kick them right across the mats, and then probably knee-on-belly, but that's a different story. And I don't know what that says about me that I even think about those things. But 18 and up is going to be in the adult class, but there are people who are in their 60s, and I actually think in one of the gyms that I train at up in Whitefish, I think there's a guy who's probably close to his 70s. I don't think that either of those spectrums on the far end want to live their life being banged up. Probably impossible to live your

life as an 18-year-old banged up from what I can remember of being 18. But at the tail end of that, on the other side, yeah, I want an enhanced quality of life. I want mobility. I want to stay moving. and I look at that person, I want to be rolling when I am their age. And I would say the people that I do know that are generally banged up the most are the ones who are dedicating themselves to competition. And that's a very different environment than somebody who is just trying to learn and enjoy the journey of Jiu-Jitsu. If you're going to compete at this and this is going to be something that you want to dedicate your time, energy, and effort to, I think that's going to be a different story. But that's a choice and it shouldn't be that way for everybody. Couldn't agree with you more as a police officer.

Like if you're going to have injuries that are taking away from your ability on the street, you need to change something. And I think you have two approaches here. The first being, hopefully when you go to a new school, you can meet the people who are running the school or the person that owns the school. And I would just be really honest with them, just like this email that you sent to me. This is my experience so far. I'm not trying to be a douche, but what I'm really trying to do is. is safeguard my ability to actually do my J-O-B, which is not J-Jitsu.

J-Jitsu might make you better at your job from a hands-on perspective, but it's not how you're cash and your checks. Tell the people that own and run the facility that. And just be honest. Let them know what your concerns are and what you are looking for and ask them for their help. They are going to know who are the good training partners. And they are also going to know the people that you need to wave off from. Now, the second option is you can talk directly to your training partners.

You're going to get to know people. You'll be training with them. And I've had more than one person tell me the first time that I've met them, either when we pair up to do drilling or we're getting ready to roll. They'll say, hey, man, this is what I've got going on. Like, you know, my knee is a little bit banged up or whatever it may be. I actually have had a law enforcement officer to say, hey, like, I really need to take it easy today.

I got a super long shift after this. I'm like, dude, no problem. How about you work your top game? I'll play defense. And there's a lot of ways that you can structure it, especially when it comes to a role or even if you're going to do drilling outside of the parameters of what your instructor's having you do. You could say, hey, let's just work on guard passing. And if you pass my guard, we're going to reset. So you don't have to worry about being inside control or mount bottom or any even type of submissions.

And you can play that game structuring it with bookmarks in any position that you want to work. Hey, let's work. Let's work back control today. You get inside of my back control, and if you get out, we're going to reset. And I'm not going to try to submit you either. What I'm going to try to do is just work on my control. So you're still working, but you have those boundaries in there for safety. And it actually reduces a lot of the stress because you don't have to worry about being submitted.

You can just focus on that escape. And what I have found is it actually really dials in people's escapes. You have to be your own advocate. That's the biggest point that I can give you. It's not about being a douchebag. It's about being honest with yourself and honest with your training partners about who you are, what you're trying to get out of training, and what your limitations are. Boo-boos suck. Major injuries. Yeah, I've heard one of the tendons in a knee pop at this point. I haven't really seen a major injury in a training environment. I take that back. One camp I was at, a guy like blew his knee out and actually received his blackboard.

in while wearing a brand new knee brace and I think he was off the mats for quite some time. That sucks. You know, one of the best things you can do to finish this up, you know, you're talking about being a valued teammate is be honest. Be the best teammate that you can be with the parameters that you have. And I think you'll actually find that your training partners and your instructors and your coach will absolutely appreciate that. And it can kind of set the example for everybody else.

Maybe they don't even realize that they can structure things that way or talk about things in that manner. And it can actually enhance the culture in your gym. So that's where I would start. And if you find an owner or a coach or instructors that don't want to work with you at all, go find another gym. That would be my best piece of advice. Question two. This email will be a long one, but this topic has been on my mind for quite some time.

How do you motivate someone that refuses to motivate themselves? And that someone happens to be your significant other. Before I crack open the deep depths of my relationship, please let it be known that I love my wife very much and I respect how hard it is to be a stay-at-home parent. I will give an abridged version of this story as to not take up all of your time. My wife and I met in high school, quickly became best friends and then sweethearts. After graduation, she went out of state for college and I stayed in town, so we broke up. She ended up dropping out and moved back. We met up and quickly rekindled our relationship.

Then an unplanned pregnancy came along and we moved into an apartment together. I was going to nursing school at the time and worked nights to afford our rent. She was working at Starbucks. I eventually burned myself out and dropped out of nursing school. We had her firstborn, and she quit working. At no point in time did we ever agree on one parent staying home full time. But the man of the house has to provide, and that's exactly what I was going to do. I then went to the refineries to work starting at very little pay.

I was working days and going to school on nights and weekends to pursue a degree in process technology. In my area of the country, that's one of the highest paying careers. Once I obtained my degree, I got a job with a percent. prestigious chemical company. The raise was substantial, so we moved into a rented house. After a year, I was making good enough money to buy her a new car and a new house. We ended up having another kid one year later. As the cost of mouths to feed increased, so did the need for increased income. I started working rotating shifts, 13 out of 14 days, from 0400 to 1,600, which is 4 p.m. Or 1,600, which is, again, 4 p.m. to 0.4. So you're doing 12 hours.

Currently, I average 1,000 plus hours of overtime a year to supplement a single-income household. We don't live a fancy lifestyle or own fancy cars. My area of Tejas just happens to be an upper middle class area. Plus, my kids have to go to private school due to the public school being trash. This year, my oldest will start full-time kindergarten, and my youngest will start pre-K. For the last three years, I've been asking my wife to start getting a degree to start a degree, to start a career so I don't have to work all of this overtime. I have missed a lot of their upbringing already.

Her response going back to school is I'm not smart enough for it. Her response to getting a job is, no one wants to hire me. At the time, I could justify her answers since the kids required full-time care. In the back of my mind, though, I always thought she could, at the very least, go to part-time school and get a degree or start a career and work up from nothing. She never did. I went to school full-time and worked full-time. And then I have been working a thousand plus hours of OT a year because that's what we needed to be done.

I am a self-motivated individual who puts the needs of my family first. My wife is the complete opposite. She could spend an entire week on Instagram or Facebook sitting on the couch and be completely content. Leaving the house, a mess, and the laundry all over the place. On my one day off, I typically spend it cleaning the house. Now that the kids will be in school and she will be home by herself, my expectations will be completely different. How do I motivate her to pursue some sort of career or degree?

She cannot seem to motivate herself. She won't send out a resume and she can't seem to decide on a degree that she would want to pursue. Every time I bring up money, she takes it as an insult and shuts down. Then she won't talk to me for days on end. I'm slowly starting to resent her for not even trying in all capital letters. I've done nothing but grind for my family. It would be nice if she could repay the favor. All I want is some sort of exit strategy in the making because you can't buy back time.

I would trade places with her in a heartbeat to be able to see my kids more. Damn, this is a tough one, and there's a lot there obviously to unpack. I'm sorry that you're going through the situation. I actually don't know if it's that uncommon. being a stay-at-home parent, a mom or a dad. I think there's the idea of what that's going to be before you have kids and then the reality of what it is when you have two kids. You trade places with her in a heartbeat to be able to see your kids more.

I totally understand where you're coming from. I wonder what your mentality would be, though, if you actually did that or flipped it on its head and she was the one who had dedicated that time to the career. and you were the one who was full-time with your kids. I don't, again, I think there's a huge gap in discrepancy between what people think it's going to be and what it's actually going to be. I think it's very easy for the stay-at-home parent

to lose their sense of identity and start to feel like the only thing they exist for is to raise their kids and that their desires get put on the back burner, their goals that they may have for themselves personally and professionally get put on their back burner. Occupationally, you know, what they wanted to do career-wise gets put on the backborder or forgotten about.

And I think that's really tough. I'm not saying the way that I think your wife is acting is appropriate, but I think it can be really difficult and do your best to have empathy for that. Now, with that, I've often found, and this is incredibly true of myself, that the biggest obstacles that I encounter are the ones that I put in front of myself. So when your wife says, well, I'm not smart enough to go to college or nobody wants to hire me, I mean, those are just bullshit excuses. But those are probably bullshit excuses that are driven from how she feels about herself and all of those things that I talked about that were put onto the backburner,

how she feels in comparison to maybe where you are in your journey in life and what you're able to do and where she is. it can be a really frustrating measurement or scale balancing. She may look at what you're doing and it actually might, I'm not saying that you're demotivating her, but it actually might make it even harder for her to start because she's so far from where you have been able to take yourself professionally and what you have been able to do financially.

And then also don't forget, she's in the fucking trenches every day with the kids, which from what I have seen in my own experience can be very, very challenging and it can put people into a very, very dark place. What they think it's going to be and what it's actually going to be

are very, very different things. One thing that stuck out to me is basically said that you guys never had a conversation that somebody was going to be a stay-at-home parent. I'm paraphrasing because it's a long email and I can't find it as I'm looking at it

right this second. My question is, what kind of conversation did you actually have? Because I think you guys need to say, it down. It probably would have been better, even though this situation could have played itself out. You know, one thing that I'm really glad that I had kids when I was young, or that my ex-wife and I had kids. I didn't have them, obviously, when we're young, because I still feel relatively young now, and my oldest is getting ready to turn 19, and I really like being able to be active

with them and do the things that they like to do as well. I still have a lot of time to be able to go out and experience life with my kids. Planning, though, and actually sitting down and saying, hey, you know, forecasting out, we want to have kids, but I don't want you to give up who you are, and I don't want you to lose your identity, and how do we make sure that you have the time to pursue your goals as well? Talking to the parent that's going to be the primary caregiver. I think that's really essential. Tougher to do when you're younger, I've been better at doing that as I've gotten older. Point of all this is you need to sit down and have a conversation. you sound like you have expectations that maybe haven't been discussed or set and maybe your wife

doesn't have those same expectations. So this seems like there's a really large gap in communication there. And you already mentioned it and you used the word in the email and this is something that I'll caution you against or anybody else is that resentment. Resentment I have found to be like painting. The first brush struck goes down and like, yeah, it's not that bad. It's not that heavy. another one goes down, another one goes down, and another one goes down, and another one goes down.

And the next thing you know, there's a really thick wall of it, and it starts to add weight. Point of that is, it is, it's cumulative. Resentment builds over time. You have to do something, change something, have a conversation, seek something out. It's going to start chipping away at that resentment, or at the very least stop it from continuing to grow, because nothing good is going to come from resentment increasing between the two of you. Does she have a social circle? Does she have friends who are in the same age or in the same position that you would think maybe are a better example?

And I use that term broadly to what you would like to see her doing. Is there somebody that you could talk to in that social circle and maybe get a better idea and our understanding of her headspace? And again, I would frame all of this. You guys need to sit down and have a conversation about what you want and what she wants. And, you know, there's choices. You are making choices in your life that you are saying that you have to do. Like your kids have to go to a private school. And I don't know shit about the school system where you are at.

And the public school system might be trash. But just understand. There are things that you have to do, like drink water and eat food and have somewhere to live. And then there's things that you're choosing to do. You know, you bought a new house. You said you bought her a new car. You're saving for private school. All of those things are awesome.

But I'm here to tell you right now there are variables in things that you can change, that you could change, that would reduce the workload on you financially. And then that would hopefully be tied into the amount of overtime that you were doing because you are definitely burning the candle at both ends. You know, your wife might actually describe to you that she is grinding for your family. And she might say things to you like you actually have no idea what it takes. to be the primary caregiver and the only person at home all day long every day with the kids. And those points are very valid. So you guys are looking at the same situation through two different optics. Hopefully you can find somebody or have a conversation together that allows you to find it

and view it through something that's a little bit more symbiotic, something more in towards the middle and then you can work towards making a change. Because that's one thing that I can tell you based off this email, something's going to have to change. If you continue to do what you're doing right now, but you expect a different result, not a genius by any stretch, but I think that's the absolute definition of insanity. So start having conversations. Talk about expectations. Ask your wife. What do you want to do?

What goals do you have? And if she doesn't have any, you know, challenge her to set one. And again, there's ways you could do this. You could find a counselor that you guys could talk to together. You could talk to one of her friends in a social group and maybe, you know, basically ask her. like, hey, you know, it seems like my wife is stuck in a rut a little bit. Could you help me help her? Because at the end of the day, you can't actually do anything for her. She's going to have to make the changes herself. And if you try to do these things for her and she doesn't do them

in the way that you want them to be done, you're going to keep brushing on that resentment and nothing good is going to come from that. So that would be my advice. Question three. I've been wanting to purchase a firearm for home defense for a few years now. The only hold up is my wife doesn't want a gun in the house. She doesn't mind guns, but had a traumatic experience in her childhood when someone pulled a gun on her brother while she was in the same room. Any advice on approaching this issue with her? I want to be sensitive to her anxieties and worries from that experience, but also want to be able to defend my family if it becomes necessary. Tough situation also. You know, a traumatic experience with a firearm is going to leave a mark for sure. Ask her as she

has any other experience with firearms other than that traumatic experience. Because if that's her one data point, yeah, it doesn't surprise me at all that she would be really hesitant to having one in the house. One of the easiest things you might be able to do if she's open to it is take her to a very professional environment, like find the best, most beautiful, non, I was going to say antagonistic, but that's probably not the right word for a gun range, but just the best environment and maybe give her another view of firearms just from the perspective of maybe, hey, I just want to show you what they are. I want to go do this with you together. She can actually touch them, use them in a manner that she is comfortable with just to provide that other data point. Is this

going to necessarily change how she feels? No, absolutely not, but it's at least a step in the right direction. You know, this one, I would have a conversation with her as well. She's obviously aware that guns exist. She is obviously aware that she doesn't like having guns pointed at her. I would ask her, what are the viable options if that were to happen again? What would she want to be able to do in that situation? What would she want to be able to accomplish in a situation where somebody encounters you either on the street? And that's probably a different level because you're not talking about that in this email. But let's say at your house, somebody comes to your house for whatever reason.

You're on the wrong side of a statistic and you're about to become the receiving end of a violent encounter at your home. I would ask her, you know, what would you want to happen in that situation? How would we be able to protect ourselves and defend ourselves in that situation? And let me be clear to people listening to this. 911 is not actually the answer to that. Average response time varies drastically. It could be up to 30 minutes where I live. And I mean, I don't know what it is in an urban area or a large city. But if it's a couple minutes, there's a lot of things that can. happen in that couple minutes. You know, you have to be your own first responder. You have to be prepared to take care of yourself. The cavalry, 911, it'll get there. But there's a lot of shit that can happen between when you make that call and when they actually get there. So, I would ask her, you know, what is it that you would like to be able to do? And since she obviously realizes that guns exist, ask her how she feels like she's going to be able to defend herself

against that from somebody who is very comfortable using them in the course of committing a crime, potentially against her. The answer to that, I mean, they're pretty limited. If somebody brings that type of tool onto the, into the sandbox, you know, how do you stop a bad person with a gun? I mean, it's a little bit trite to say it's, you know, a good person with a gun. But it's also incredibly true. Are there other ways you could handle that? Yes. But that really depends on the situation, space management, how close you are when something actually happens. Can you get your hands on the person and deflect the barrel of the gun, whether it's a pistol or a rifle before they can do anything with it? Could you take them from it? Take it from them. Variables for sure,

but the number one way to neutralize the playing field for somebody who has a gun and has malicious and are ill intent is to have somebody else with a gun with the exact opposite intent, the intent to defend and act with integrity with that tool. So guns exist. That's the reality of it. I'm sorry that she had that bad experience. I don't think it's that uncommon for people to want to avoid things that have provided a traumatic experience. But from my limited understanding, you know, when it comes to people trying to move past that, it's actually incremental exposure back to those things and reframing how you think about them. So food for thought, try to get a back on the horse.

Last question. Congrats on your wedding. After listening to you for a long period of time, I noticed that a lot of the seals practice humility. Humility seems to be a part of your leadership style. I have also noticed that Jocko and Jack Carr show humility in interviews and podcasts when talking about their life achievements. Do you think this comes from progressing from lower ranks and having to prove yourself

to your peers throughout your service to be accepted? Do you think this comes from individual upbringing? Humility seems to be a common factor amongst good leaders and high-achieving individuals. It would be great to hear your thoughts. Humility is one of the number one characteristics that a leader needs to have. Another way to think about humility is keeping your ego in check. Now, we all have egos, and anybody who tells you that they don't is the technical term for that is a liar. It's about keeping your ego in check so you can view the world objectively or view the problem set that you are facing.

or the leadership challenge that you are facing objectively. It's about keeping your ego out of the decision-making process. So again, you can make decisions and you can plan in an environment where you're objectively looking at things and not trying to be the person at the end of the day who says, yes, that was my plan and trying to get recognized for it. Trust me, there's plenty of seals out there who have massive egos. We all have egos.

Every person watching this, listening to this, every person on the face of the planet. It's more a matter of being able to keep that. and check and manage it. As from where humility comes from, I look back at my military career and I don't think I ever left the new guy cycle, which is a beautiful, beautiful thing. I did two pre-9-11 platoons, which is right at the cusp at that time period where you weren't going to really be a new guy anymore because you'd had about four years in the

seal community and you knew a little bit about what it meant to do the job. Then I screened to go out to the East Coast and I went to that selection as a fucking brand new guy, lowest on the totem pole there, and went to a squadron as the brand new guy and the lowest on the totem pole there. Did my four years there, went to a Buds instructor, checked in as the brand new Buds instructor. Had to learn that system, work my way up through it, got commissioned as the lowest ranking officer in the United States military. Had to work my way through that. And it just continued over and over and over again. And I was like a medium rank on the enlisted side and a lower rank on the officer's side. So it's not like I ever achieved this, you know,

beautiful view at the top of the triangle, at the top of the ladder, depending on how you want to look at it. That really helped because I never had a place where I could dig my heels in. I was always on my toes trying to move forward. Another thing that really helped is I was absolutely surrounded by my heroes and people who were so much more capable than me in every single aspect of what it meant to do that job. Jumping got crushed. Shooting got crushed. Physically crushed. Mentally, people were way fucking tough. than I was. They handled adversity and stress better than I did. And it keeps you in check. I'm also, I think, a pretty naturally curious person. So I like to start, I like the challenge of

starting something new. And I like things that seem to be impossible to master. Jiu jitsu would be a good example of that. And again, you start in jiu jitsu. Guess what's a part of jiu jitsu? Losing. It's going to be a part of your journey and who you're going to be and you have to learn how to deal with that. And that also helps keep you in check. I think individual upbringing for sure can have a bearing on how people are when it comes to managing their ego. But it doesn't surprise me that you think humility is a common factor amongst good leaders and high achieving individuals because those people, high achieving individuals and good leaders, they're often defined by their similarities and not their differences. Will you find a good leader occasionally that has a massive ego? probably I'd be curious to see the size of the team that they are actually managing and

oftentimes I find those people or have to be off on an island by themselves. It doesn't mean they can't have great ideas and kind of handle things remotely and be successful by whatever metric you would want to use, but I think it's uncommon. So I don't think it has anything to do with the seal or necessarily your upbringing. It's just to achieve those levels, that's either something that you are born with or learn along the way or the combination of the two. And if you can't, you'll glass sealing yourself out a little bit because people, with massive egos, nobody wants to work for you. It just, it sucks. I've worked for bosses that had, you know, they had an office and then an office for their ego, and it was the absolute worst.

And at the end of the day, I wouldn't lift a finger to actually help them. I would lift a finger to try to trip them, but I wouldn't lift a finger to actually help them. But for me, personally, it was being surrounded by my heroes, watching what they were able to do and realizing I probably was never going to be able to accomplish that. And that really set you into your, a foundation of like, okay, like, it's a big pond out here, and I'm a really, really little fish. And then constantly seeking out adversity and things that challenge you. Because if you do that, you're going to fail. And if you get comfortable with failing, again, it kind of keeps you in check. Not seeking adversity and seeking the easier path. You know, I don't think anything really

good comes from that. You're not going to change the world. That's for sure. So I think that's where it comes from. And it can be learned, but it's not going to be learned sitting on your couch. talking shit about other people. It's learned by getting out there and actually trying to prove yourself falling flat on your face and then picking yourself back up. And that's all I have for this Friday. See you guys Monday.