Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Full Auto Friday - Round 127

Episode Date: October 14, 2022

Rapid Fire Q and A to finish off the week: 1. Our first child is on the way and my parents seem far less excited than my inlaws. How do I decide where to settle once the child is born and am I selfish for wanting to move away from my parents 2. Personal safety while hiking trails alone. Thoughts on tools and things I can do to improve my safety if I prefer to do activities alone 3. I am at a crossroads in life, do I follow my "passion" at the cost of my marriage, or should I find a different path Enjoy

Good morning, everybody. Friday, Q&A. I think I have four pulled aside for today. Some of them are relatively longer in nature. So we'll see how far I get into it. Maybe three, maybe four. I don't know. But let's do this. Fuller Friday, number 127. Here we go. Enjoy. I'm looking at danger close now. Can't be clear not. Question number one, I'm having a moral dilemma that I'm hoping you could provide an outside opinion on. Well, let me see what I can do. fire away. Over the weekend, my wife and I informed my parents that we are going to be, or that they are going to be grandparents for the first time, and their reaction was, let's say, less than expected. First off, congrats on the fact that you guys are expecting. The first word

out of my dad's mouth was, really? Not the really, like you opened up a gift at Christmas as a kid, and it wasn't exactly what you were hoping for, more like you try a new restaurant hoping for a steak and find out that they only serve tofu kind of really. The following sentences from him were, are you going to quit school? And how are you going to afford this? For context, my wife and I are both in physical therapy school. She graduates in the spring, and I will finish the following year. My dad has always been a bit of a harsh.

My dad has always been a bit harsh. Bit of a harsh. It's an interesting way to read that. He is a salty old factory worker who is not happy unless he is grumpy. If you have ever seen the ranch on Netflix, think of Sam Elliott's character. I haven't seen it, but if it's good, I'll check it out. And Sam Elliott's awesome. So I'll definitely give that one a little Google. While he provided everything we needed growing up, I can't remember him saying, I love you. Yelling and a short temper were the norm. And I think

it would kill him to say, good job, or congratulations. On the contrary, my in-laws were over-the-moon happy when we told them, the kind of happiness that people take videos of and it makes you tear up watching them. They live about 150 miles from us currently, and my father-in-law is the president of marketing for a large company is rather well off financially. My dad is a factory worker, and my mom is a part-time bank teller. Needless to say, my wife and I grew up in very different upbringings. My dilemma is this. When we graduate, we are going to have to decide where to live. where we do now, which is 10 miles from my parents, or move closer to my in-laws. Based on my dad's reaction and how he has or how he was as a parent to me growing up,

I'm hesitant to want to live nearby and rely on him to help out with a kid when it comes next spring. However, if we were to move closer to my in-laws, we could receive more help with the baby. My mother-in-law stays at home and has expressed a desire to help in any way possible, and my father-in-law wants to help in any way possible. I'm ashamed to admit that I'm thinking it, but I believe they would float the bill for anything we possibly would need. My question to you is this. Am I being selfish for wanting to move closer to my in-laws

because they are nicer, more loving people who have the time and financial means to help out their grandchild more? Not only am I concerned about how my dad's abrasiveness would be for the child, but any free babysitting or financial help goes along. long way when you are just finishing up school and beginning a new career. Like I said, beginning, congrats on expecting your first child. It's an amazing experience and it's going to change you as a person for sure. It's going to recalibrate what you think is important and what you don't really care about anymore. You know, with your dad, I know a few people who have been in a situation

who have described their father as more of a standoffish, closed off, shut down individual that didn't want to or was not capable of expressing love and affection in the way that they have seen expressed other people. And I didn't come from that environment, but in listening to those people that I know talk, I know that it can be challenging. But what I'll say is this, almost every one of those people who then had children, what surprised them, and I'm not saying that this happens every time, but I've heard this time and time again. What surprised them is the loving nature of their father to their grandchild. And I don't know why that's the case. I don't know why it would skip a generation. Maybe, I mean, food for thought, maybe your dad recognizes that he was very shut off or would recognize that and would want to do better with their grandchild.

My point being, almost every time that I've heard that there was a closed-off relationship with a paternal parent, I've also heard that when a grandchild was introduced into the situation, that their behavior changed. And it might be tough for the son or daughter, I guess, to see that love and affection, you know, poured into that grandchild in a way it wasn't poured into them. But I guess what I'm saying and all that is give your dad the opportunity. to change or correct the shortcomings that you may feel in, you know, the upbringing or abrasiveness that you received. And also, you have the opportunity to either repeat that behavior with your own child or break that chain and be the parent that you wish that your father was. And I know that's not easy to say. But for me in my own life, some of the most concrete lessons are the ones that left an indelible mark on me. And those weren't the successes. Those have been the failures. And you can learn a lot by watching other people fail. And the best part about that is if you're paying attention is you don't have to make those same mistakes. So understand what it could have,

you know, or what it did feel like for you. And, you know, you have a choice. What do you want it to be like for your kid? I would also say, you know, people respond to surprises differently. So I would, I would agree that the response from your dad probably wasn't exactly what you were looking for, but try to give him a little bit of grace. And, you know, maybe in the second or third conversation or as things go on, those edges are going to round a little bit. You know, the questions that he asks are, you know, they're legitimate, like, hey, are you going to quit school and how are you going to afford this?

But from my perspective and the way that I would probably react to this is, you know, when you first tell somebody about this, you were obviously excited to share this information with your dad. it's like congratulations. You know, let's start there and you can have all these other logistical conversations later because you can have about nine months to figure it out. So on your dad's part and his reaction to that, like, I get it. People don't respond perfectly. I haven't always responded perfectly. It is what it is. It sounds like your dad comes from like the older generation mentality. And not that that mentality was correct, but it is what it is. I've heard it before.

So as to the, you know, the juxtaposition between your in-laws. response and your parents response. You know, it's cool that your wife came from a different socioeconomic situation, it sounds like. I also don't think there's anything wrong coming from the environment that you came from. You guys obviously found each other coming from those two different upbringings, you know, and you are obviously meshing well and moving on with your life. You guys ended up getting married. So it doesn't, you know what I mean? It's beautiful things can come from both of those gardens, if you will. When it comes to deciding where to live, I don't think that you are being selfish at all

by wanting to live closer to your in-laws. And I don't think you would be selfish by wanting to live closer to your parents. And I also don't think you would be selfish trying to make a decision and find a place that we'd be best for just you and your wife in an area that's nowhere near either your family or her family. at some point you can have to live your life. I also don't think, you know, it's a natural thing to have in the back of your mind like shit. You know, one of these clusters of parents has the ability to help more, whether it be the free babysitting that you mentioned financially, whatever it may be.

And I'm going to a side note on that before I go any farther down that rabbit hole. It's great that they can provide you those things. My suggestion and advice to you is don't rely on that in any way, shape, or form. Having a child is expensive. The price and the cost, you know, the price of what the, you know, the diapers, the formula, the food, all of those things, it's not cheap. It's not like catastrophic. You know, people are figuring out their way every day how to pay for that. The cost of that is, you know, how are we going to figure out childcare? Who's going to be up with the child? Who's going to change their schedule? Whose occupation may have to shift a little bit so that the child becomes the priority and they are raised in the manner that you want them to be raised. there's going to be some tough decisions that you're going to have to make. My suggestion to you is base your plan off of it being just you and your wife alone, as opposed to relying on necessarily anybody else, your family or her family, because what I want you to have at the end of the day is a viable and sustainable plan

because people's willingness and desire to help, it may change over time. And that would suck if you set up your whole plan thinking that something was going to be one way and it is for a little bit, and then at some point in time it changes, and then you guys are a little bit screwed. So it's great that you have this cushion that you can lean on or fall back into if you need to. But make the decisions based off of what is best for you and your wife. Maybe there's a different area in a different state that would be more suited for you guys coming out of physical therapy. Yep, physical therapy school where you guys can have a better job. Maybe you guys could find a job working for an organization that actually helps with child care.

You know, there's a lot of options here that could become a lot more enticing, you know, perfect world, you would land right in the middle of her family and your family, which would be great. And, you know, you're talking like under 200 miles as a father who has kids, you know, airplanes are a real thing. Like, there's always a way to figure out how you want to spend time with people if you actually want to. So if your in-laws want to come visit and it's less than 200 miles and they have less stress and demand on their occupation, get in the fucking car. Same thing for your parents as well. There's weekends, there's afternoons, there's paid time off.

If it's a priority for them, they'll show it to you, regardless of where it is that you live. So that would be my suggestion. Focus on yourself. Focus on your family. I think it's a great thing, like I said, that you have the support of your in-laws, and I think that your father, you know, don't be shocked if you see a little bit more love and compassion and support coming from him towards the grandchild. Don't take it personally, which I think would be a really hard thing not to do,

seeing that behavior expressed towards somebody else when it was not expressed towards you. But just think about how enriched the life of your child could be. So focus on yourself, make a plan based only on yourself. And then, you know, let thirst the stuff fall where it will. And don't be surprised when the grandparents spoiled the living shit out of your kid and then hand it back to you when they start to misbehave and then you get. to deal with that. That I think is what they call in the dictionary payback. So question two. And I'm looking for some advice. I keep a small knife in my running belt. It likely gives me a

false sense of security when on trails alone. My husband has commented that by the time I would be able to get the knife out of the belt and in my hand, someone would have already grabbed me. Any suggestions on best items to carry for personal safety and how to carry them? Wow. So this is broad and I'm going to make an assumption here that this is a woman talking about your husband. I get it in 2023. I guess that can mean a lot of different things, but I'm going to view this from a perspective, from a woman's perspective. A couple things. You know, a knife. You get situational awareness. I hate that term in many ways because it's overused and underdefined. So situational awareness can be, you know, what's going on in the environment around you. There's an

another there's an additional layer to that and that is you know situational awareness or awareness of yourself how prepared are you how trained are you how current are you so there's you and then there's the environment that you are in um trails going on trails alone as and this is something that i didn't think about really at all um until having some deeper conversations with my wife lea she teaches women's self defenses self defenses Jesus I'm really uh really doing good with the words today women's self defense courses and you know talking about mentality and things that women have to look for that quite frankly as a man I never I never worried about you know walking on a trail alone doesn't bother me walking in a parking lot at night it doesn't bother me and maybe I'm a total asshole for

not thinking about you know the other perspective of somebody who is probably going to be physically smaller who's going to be targeted for other reasons than men would be targeted. I just, I didn't think about it a lot. And in listening to her and hearing some of the stories from the women who attend those courses, let's just say that almost every hand will go up if they are asked if you've ever been the victim of assault or know somebody who has. It's fucking shocking to me. They talk about mentality. They talk about being aware of your environment. And, you know, in hindsight, or thinking about this now having that a little bit more exposure, as much as it sucks to say, I don't think that in the world that we're living in going on a trail super remote or even on

a trail alone at all is necessarily a great idea. Again, it never bothered me as a man, but I wasn't looking at it through the lens of being a woman. There's some ways around this, though, you know, easy one. Get a bitch and dog. You know, something that looks like it'll eat your face off, but actually just wants to lick you. And before I say that, Leah talks a lot about, we have a mutual friend named Paul Sharp, who was an undercover police officer, high-level jujitsu and judo black belt, did a bunch of undercover work. And in her conversations with him, you know, it's all about this particular topic. How do predators select their victims? And let's just say to reduce it down to its most important piece, they're not looking for hard targets.

They're looking for the easy target. So don't be the easy target. Have a dog. Go out with friends. Go out with more than one person. And that may not be possible for everybody. And that sucks. And I'm not saying that you should stay in your house and be afraid of going anywhere alone. But it is a consideration that you should make. Just balance the risk versus reward. When it comes to having a small knife in your running belt, I look at situational awareness to go back to that term in the perspective of distance and ranges. Somebody is very far away. They're going to be low on my threat radar.

As they get closer, you know, like very far away, be like, not that this example is good for here, but like we're talking sniper rifle range. Medium distance is going to be rifle range. Close range is going to be pistol range. And then up in close personal space is going to be, you know, hands on the person, which is kind of where a knife comes into play as well because the effective range of a knife is going to be your hand plus whatever the blade length is. And it doesn't necessarily, it shouldn't give you a false sense of security, but let's just

understand at what range that that's going to be effective. Will there be people that if you were to brandish a knife, it's going to change their plan and they're going to back off and go select that easier victim? 100%. But what if there's two people? What if there's three people? What if there's four? You know, it can start to get really muddy.

So it's not that it doesn't provide you some level of protection. And also having a knife is actually, you know, I open letters with knives. I use like knives all the time just as a utility tool. So there's a good reason to have them on there. And they are incredibly effective. Let me just tell you right now, if given the choice between taking a single gunshot through like a non-lethal area of my body or getting sliced up with somebody who actually knows, how to use a knife. I'm taking the gunshot every single time because knives are gnarly.

Now, having it on you is one thing. Knowing how to use it is something else. So hopefully you have bridged that gap because if you haven't, then yeah, it's probably giving you a little bit more of a false sense of security. So when it comes to those ranges, what are you going to do about something at the sniper range? Absolutely nothing, you know, other than pay attention. What are you going to do about something at a rifle range? Probably absolutely nothing as well. But as things get closer or when you are in your environment, I think the best thing that you can do is be aware of who you are and where you are.

You have control over who you are and largely where you choose to go, but the environment you are operating in, if you see something at a distance that makes you feel uncomfortable, make the choice at that distance. That is being situationally aware to me. As the distance decreases,

your reaction time is going to be less and less. So if they're at a rifle range, and I'm using those ranges as we're talking like 1,000 yards versus a couple hundred yards, then somebody is at 10. yards. Your reaction time is going to be much, much less. And their ability to close that distance is going to be a lot quicker than most people think. There is some truth to, it takes time to get a knife out of the belt and in your hand, but that's also true when it comes to a firearm

as well. A firearm versus a knife. What's it going to give you? It's going to give you a farther effective range, whatever it is you are current and competent at. And it's a very powerful tool, especially for a woman that can level the playing field. If, you know, my wife, if I had to give, you know, present a situation, she's in a parking lot and she is approached by one person and she has nothing in her hands or she is approached by three people and she has her gun on her. You know, I feel very comfortable that she would be able to handle the situation with multiple attackers with that tool because it's a force multiplier. It's a powerful tool. It's designed to end

life and it should be used at the absolute measure of last resort. But if it comes down to it, it's a way for somebody who may be smaller, less physically strong to level the playing field and defend themselves or protect other people when numerically they are at a disadvantage. You have to be current, you have to be competent, and you also have to realize that it takes time to actually get the weapon into your hand, present it, get your sights on target, all of those things. How can you buy yourself more time in that situation by paying attention to what's going on around you and understanding and setting comfortable boundaries for yourself when it comes to distance? Because distance directly equates to time, in my opinion. So suggestions for best items to carry

for personal safety and how to carry them. I mean, I've seen everything from like air horns to bear spray to pepper spray to knives to probably some people out there have num chucks to firearms and i'm not going to say that there are right or wrong i would just say take a look at what it is the implement that you were looking at and and figure out from a perspective of distance how much it actually is going to buy you what's the effective range you know your fists the effective range your fists are exactly that your fists knife it's your fist plus four inches pepper spray, I don't know the effective range of it. I have been pepper spray, but I have no idea as far as the data on how far you could use it. Probably, I don't know, 10 yards maybe, as a wild

ass guess. And then you can start extending into, you know, the handgun range, which maybe will buy you something from contact shot all the way out to 50 yards, depending on how comfortable that you are. Suggestions on how to carry them, I would make sure that the way that you carry it is very comfortable and I say that because of it's uncomfortable, you're going to be likely to talk yourself out of it. So it needs to have a balance between comfort and accessibility. That balance is going to be up to each individual. When it comes to firearms, holy shit, there are so many different holsters. There are so many different ways to carry. And it's going to depend largely on your attire as well. And another thought on that when it comes to attire and carrying for protection,

regardless of what type of tool it may be. There's nothing wrong with thinking about your attire from that perspective. So you're getting ready to go out on a trail and that's part of your decision of where I'm going to be going. Then think about the tools that you are going to be carrying and dress around those as well. So for me, as an example, I've talked about this a little bit recently when it comes to a fanny pack and carrying in the summertime because I really like board shorts and I like t-shirts. and actually quite a few people have reached out and they gave me some other options to look at that'll work with board shorts

and I will because I just hate clipping into board shorts. You have to tie the tie so incredibly tight. It's just not comfortable for me. So when I'm looking at going to, let's say we're going to go to the lake or just hang out in town and my uniform is probably going to be flip-flops and board shorts.

That's where it's going to start. And then it's going to be a T-shirt. I don't like tight clothes. And the baggy shirt with the board short or, you know, it allows me, I could conceal anywhere along my waistlight, but instead I go with the fanny pack because it is just something that is easier. All my stuff is in there and I don't have to worry about retention against my body. As the colder months come through, you know, I look at the clothing that I am going to wear and I bounce it off of the tools that I'm going to carry with me.

I'm not going to generally wear jeans and a tucked in collared shirt because, again, like I said, I like to carry at the appendix carry somewhere between like 1230 and probably at the farthest the 130. If you're looking at the belly button is 12 and 3 o'clock would be the right hand side of your hip bone. So I look at what I'm going to wear based off what I'm going to be carrying. And I can modify that. And I do modify that because for me, the tools are just as important as where I'm going to be going.

So that's just food for thought. You know, if you're going to wear a set of, you know, you get your favorite Lulu lemon joggers and you want to wear a, I don't even know the right terminology, crop top or a tank top or whatever it may be, you're limiting your ability to conceal anything that you might have on you. And maybe you don't want to. Maybe that's another consideration as well. Maybe you want to wear like a little belt where you have some water bottles on it

and stuff like that that's easily accessible. Pros and cons to both. One is less secure. One is more in the open. Just think about those things when you are getting ready to go out. and go on a hike. Some of the things you could probably think about as well. Obviously let somebody know where you're going and what time to expect you back.

Always have a communication device on you of some kind. I mean, cell phone, I think, is it just, I mean, that's like a baseline minimum in today's society. But we were, where the hell were we? I was just using this. We went analo punning. And I have no relationship with this brand at all. I just think this is a fantastic product. I have an in-reach mini.

I believe it's made by Garmin. No, it definitely is because that's the app you connect on. It blutes to my cell phone. It gives me the ability to text over the satellite network. It comes from a different phone number. So people, I mean, when I'm sending a message to them for the first time, I'm like, hey, this is Andy. Or if I'm checking in with my kids, I'll start a text thread with them from that in-reach because they can respond directly to it.

It syncs directly up to the contacts on my phone. and I'm not trying to make this an in-reach commercial by any stretch, but it's an amazing device, and it's really easy to use, and every time I send a text to them, I can also choose to send my location. You can have it set to track you on specific intervals, and somebody else can log onto the website, or maybe even the app,

if they have a connection with your account, and they can look and see where that tracking is. And anytime I go hunting, I clip it right on my Bino harness when we were driving around analod hunting. I just put it right up on the dash and the little divot where I'll oftentimes put sunglasses. And it was amazing. When we had cell coverage, I would get text messages when we didn't.

I was able to text the people that I was with over the in-reach network. So communication is always possible. And this is, I mean, what if you are in the backcountry and you trip and you bust your ankle or you need help? These things have an SOS button. You're always in communication. It's just really going to narrow down the response time because people are going to know exactly where you are. So there's the tools that you have and that can be offensive or defensive. And then there's that thought of communication as well.

And I would also say pack for the worst case scenario. Take a backpack with a little bit of food in there, a water, take a space blanket in there. You just, you never know what's actually going to happen. It's the same thing I said when I was talking about riding motorcycles. I dress for the crash, not for the ride. I don't want to crash. I haven't laid down my street bike yet. And I hope that I never do, but I'm dressing every single time as if I'm going to.

and that is that part of situational awareness of yourself. Where are you going to be going, what you're going to be doing in that environment, and then yourself. How prepared are you, how current, how competent, and do you have the tools necessary. So that is my thought on that. How long have I been going here? Oh, yeah, we're going to be the last one because I've been a little bit long wind today. Question number three.

I'm struggling with some inner conflict and purpose. I was wanting to see if you'd be willing to offer some advice. To explain the situation, this may be lengthy. So if it's too much to read, disregard. I'm a Navy veteran, Gunnersmate. I got out December of 2019 and I'm currently an active LEO in a good-sized local agency and recently joined the SWAT team. I got married slightly over a year ago to the girl I dated the last two years I was on active duty. She was supportive and stuck by me the whole time, for most of which I was gone. I had originally wanted to get out of the Navy and go Army with. the goal of Ranger or SF, special forces, also known as a Green Beret. She gave me the ultimatum, or an ultimatum, that she couldn't be with me if I stayed in the military. So I got out and became a cop. I got married because I thought I wanted to be with her more than my personal goals and expected to enjoy civilian life. I enjoy my current job, but have missed the military every day since I got out. The military is the only thing I've ever wanted to do since I was a kid.

I've never wanted to do anything else. It's the only thing. It's the only thing that's the only thing. thing I truly have a passion for and feel it is my calling. I had hoped as time progressed, this feeling would fade the longer I was separated from service. However, this has not been the case. I brought up the idea of the National Guard, thinking it would be a good middle ground and the best way to compromise. She is not willing to do that either, and it actually gave me my ring back during the argument that occurred after I brought up the idea. She took the ring back, but made it a parent, she's not open to the idea of me doing any form of the military anymore. She says she's done with that and doesn't want that lifestyle for her in her life.

And I get that 100%. The military spouse is a hard lifestyle and few people are really up for it. Who am I to try to force that on her? My dilemma is this. I know that if I stay out, I will always regret it. And when I'm old, I'll know I'll never, I'll know I never pursued my dreams. I don't know if I can be okay with that, but I also don't want to lose my marriage. Am I being selfish for not being content?

Should I be happy with my service except the fact that I did my time and settled for my current life? I know everyone talks about transition being difficult, and I agree that getting out has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I feel like a fish out of water, and I haven't felt like myself since. Am I being selfish? In a perfect world, I would go guard SF. However, I'm sure she would want a divorce. I feel stuck and I don't want to continue feeling miserable with what I'm doing in life, but would hate to throw away everything my wife and I have.

I'm not sure what the correct course of action is. Excuse me. Or if there is a right answer. Anyway, if you end up reading this till the end and have any input, I'd love to hear it. Thanks for what you've done and what you're doing. So a few things to start with. And I'm going to start with something that irritates the shit out of me about this email. And this is something that I want to caution everybody again.

and it has nothing to do with the decision to get out of the military or go back into your current job. And that is you got into an argument with your spouse and she gave you the ring back. She gave you the ring that you gave her when you got married back. And to me, for anybody listening to this, if you've ever done that or have you ever thought about doing that, just stop right now. Don't do that shit. That is a petty bullshit thing to do that only signal. your lack of commitment to the relationship and the person that you are married to. If you don't want to be married to the person, give them the fucking ring back and get a divorce.

Don't give them the ring back and then take it back and then give it back and take it back and give it back and take it back in the context of being inside of an argument. That's not going to help anybody. It's not going to help yourself. And it's a bullshit mental game to play with the other person. Either be committed and work your way through the load times, just like you are able to work. your way through the high times or get the fuck out of there and change your scenery. All right. So, rant over on that one. What I'll say to you, sir, is this. Your wife was very clear to you with

what she wanted and what she didn't want before you got out of the military. She told you. She couldn't be with you if you stayed in the military. So you got out and you became a cop. All right? So we have to talk about this from the perspective of you made at the time what you believed to be an educated decision. What it sounds like is the reality of that decision is not exactly what you thought it was going to be. And what I'll say to you is, although you have this desire to go back into the military and go and say, National Guard Special Forces, let's say you execute that decision, your wife does in fact want a divorce because she was very honest with you about what she was willing to tolerate

and what she wanted and what she didn't wanted. and you find yourself in that exact same situation with the National Guard SF. And what I mean by that is you make an educated decision with the best intentions in mind for yourself. Because if you're going to, you know it's going to terminate in the divorce, you are making a decision for the best for yourself. Well, not for yourself necessarily, but with your best wishes in mind, what if it's not what you thought it was going to be? Just like getting out, you thought you were going to get out, you would be content, you would move on. on. It's not what you thought it would be. So you come back in, you go through the pipeline, and what if the career is not what you thought it was going to be? And now you're single,

and you're starting over. Is that going to be worth it to you? And I don't have an answer to that question because that's for you and you alone to actually decide. You know, I've received so many emails about this. People are getting out and they just feel like they have to go back in. It's the only thing that I've ever wanted to do. I feel like it's, you know, your passion and your true calling, the words that you used. What is it about military, service that was your passion and your calling. Was it the occupation itself? Was it the the fact that you were part of an organization? Did you like what the military stood for? Was it the service component? Did you like what you were doing when you were training in the execution

of your job? The deployments? What was it that you were passionate about and you felt that was your calling? And I asked that because if you can identify what it is that drew you to it, you might be able to find something on the outside that can fill those gaps and that can fill those voids. Like I said, the grass is always greener mentality. I've felt it myself. I've changed jobs because of it. We've geographically moved because of it. And at the end of the day, what I have found is the situation you are in is what you make of it.

Most of this email is phrased in trying to decide what you want to do professionally. I would flip it and decide what you want to do personally. Do you want to stay married to your wife? Do you want to grow together with your wife and navigate life together with your wife? If the answer to that question is yes, I think that it takes going back into the military off of the table. Does that mean that you won't think about it in the future? Nope. Does that mean that you may not feel bad about it in the future?

I mean, it depends, right? Does it mean that you might be on your death bet filled with regret? It's possible. But what if you dedicated your life now that you have served and you did your time and you have a job and you're back in a community and you're still serving probably a larger number of people on a daily basis locally and the execution of your law enforcement job than you ever were able to do from a military perspective, meaning that you're actually touching people, touching their lives on a daily basis, whereas in the military, it's much more abstract than that. And like, yeah, you're a cog in a wheel, but it's really hard to say, hey, I actually helped that person today. I bet you multiple times per day in your current job, you can sit back once you're done with a call or whatever it may be. And you're like, son of a bitch, I actually made a direct impact on that person's life today. My point in saying all of that is, is that you can find purpose as you grow.

You can find other things that you are passionate about. And the only reason that you would be on your deathbed filled with regret is if you're living your life in the rear view of. mirror. You know, one of the hardest things for me to do, and I still struggle with this, is to put down everything that I did before in the military and to move forward and to move past that. I'm incredibly proud of the community that I served with. I feel like I was not great at my job, but I feel like I didn't leave the community any worse than when I got in. I'm sure there are plenty of people who have criticism of me and who I was and how I operated in the SEAL teams, and I'm, that's the deal, right? Like the, the,

The grade that you get is from the people that you worked with, not from yourself. I don't get to self-critique and grade myself on my career. Spent nearly 20 years of my life in that community, and I try not to. And it's not even an issue of trying at this point anymore. I just don't think about it because I am so saturated and focused on what is going to be next in my life. It is my goal in life to get to a place where people go, oh shit, that guy used to be in the military or he used to do that in the military. I had no idea. That would be amazing for me. And the only way that I'm ever going to get there is if I take the time to keep looking for what the next thing is going to be. What's the next thing

going to be? What am I going to do next? What can I do next to be a better version of myself? To improve myself in this way, personally, professionally. What's the next project that I want to do? What's the next guest that I want to talk to on the podcast? What's the next topic that I want to dive into? and continuing to move away from who I was to try to become a better version of who I am. And I don't know if any of that makes sense. It makes sense to me in my head. But I've also been where you're at. I was close to leaving the military, the tightest-knit group of people I'd ever been with.

I had purpose. I felt like my job mattered. I transitioned out to doing a job that in hindsight was just fucking completely irrelevant. And that's okay. You know, it was what it was. And it's a really difficult place. But first, though, you need to realize that what you do is what goes on a business card, who you are, right? Are you a husband?

Or are you going to be a father at some point? Are you a partner? You know, those aren't things that go on business cards. Those are who you are. Decide who you are and who you want to be and make your decisions based off of that. And for you, unfortunately, that's going to start with, do I want to stay married or do I not? Because you know what's going to happen if you make this choice to go back into the military or pursue military service again, versus whether or not you don't. So I would start there

and just be aware, just because you feel this desire to pull yourself back into the military and you may feel like it's worth it. You might find yourself at the end of that path going, fuck, this isn't what I thought it was going to be either. So food for thought. And that's it because I've been rambling for shit probably well over half an hour. See you guys on Monday.