Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Full Auto Friday - Round 134

Episode Date: December 2, 2022

Rapid Fire Q and A to finish off the week: 1. Do lightbulbs suck darkness or give off light 2. Finding your purpose and direction regardless of the opinions of those around you 3. Family drama - Is it best to intervene, or be more like Switzerland Enjoy

All right, ladies and gentlemen, we are getting ready to kick this off. The 134th iteration of Fall Auto Friday. It doesn't actually feel like I've been doing it that many times. I enjoy the format. I enjoy the questions. I do my best to pick questions that are, I don't want to say outside of the norm, but changing in topics, so it's not always the same thing. And shall we get into it?

This episode is going to come to you from Montana next week's fallout of Friday. I think I'm going to try to use my new mobile little kit and maybe do one from the glorious. I was going to say island of Costa Rica. It's not an island. But I'll be down on Costa Rica for a jihitsu camp. And yeah, we'll see how it goes. But today, it's fall out of Friday 134. Let's get into it.

Good morning. I hope your week is coming to a... Lovely conclusion. And maybe something in today's episode will help you out a little bit. There's some light topics. There's a little bit of a heavier topic in there. But let's just get in these things. I've got four for today.

And I'll try not to roll my mouth for more than 30 minutes. Question one. Andy, I am a longtime listener, first time question asker. Excuse me. Just curious, what your feelings are on this. I was asked by one of my teachers growing up. if light bulbs suck dark or give off light. Anyway, cheers.

Keep up the great work. Now, when I first read this email, I was thinking to myself, wow, that's a bizarre question. But I picked it because I think it speaks to the power of perspective and how people choose to view the world. And I know that there are terrible things that can happen in people's life. many of them are outside of your control. And you don't have any control over those things, but you do have control in how you choose to view the world and engage in that world. Perspective and how you view things, I think is really important. So I think that the jury is out on this one from a practical perspective. I believe that it is, in fact, the light bulb

illuminating the area that is around it. I'm not aware of, nor have I ever heard any scientific explanation for it actually sucking up light. I'm totally open. to being incorrect, though. But it's actually irrelevant. It's the difference between do you look at things or yourself as somebody who illuminates and gives, or do you look at the world or yourself as something that takes and sucks everything up? It's a different flavor of the question. Is the glass sitting in front of you, half full, or is it half empty? And for any of you who listen to the podcast, you know, my theory on this particular, what would it be, an analogy? I suppose, or a metaphor, is that it doesn't matter if it's half full or half empty, because my

perspective, which I think is more important than anything else in either of these two questions, is that it's refillable. And I say that perspective matters because I'll lateral over to the glass half full, glass half empty. I see in my own life, and I have no doubt people who are navigating their way through life in the in the current times there are groups of people and there are individuals who by their own nature maybe and maybe it's through conditioning maybe it's through their upbringing maybe it's through the educational system that they have navigated through and they have just seeped in that tea for long enough that it has become a part of them they view the world through the lens of looking for things that are wrong. They view the world looking through the

lens of it's always half empty. And they are looking for misdeeds. They are looking for missteps. They are, you know, the modern, you know, not the modern word, but the word of the day would be oppression. They're looking for oppression, whatever it may be. And what I have found in any group that spends their time looking for those things, spoiler alert and shocker, they constantly find them. Because there are flavors of those things everywhere. And I suspect that there will be as long as that we are talking about human beings and the environment that we have created for ourselves, how we deal with each other. That's just going to be the way that it is. I wish that equality was less of a concept and more of a reality. And that's not the case, which has nothing to do

with the glass half full, glass half empty, I guess. And what I'm trying to say is my point is it's about their perspective and how they view the world. At least in my opinion and what for what I've seen with my own two eyes, and that's all that it matters for is my opinion and nothing else. the individuals and organizations and groups and communities that view the world through the glass half empty lens seem to be some of the most frustrated and unhappy people that I've ever been around are some of the things that they bring up valid you know yeah absolutely is there a shred of validity and probably everything that they bring up yes can things get completely blown out of proportion and can you get tainted by only looking for one thing and constantly searching for it in the shadows. Yeah, yeah, absolutely can't. And I'm not saying that anybody should bury their head in the sand and pretend that everything is, you know, rainbows and gumdrops falling from the sky. I don't think that's the answer either. But I think you have to be very cautious in how you not only present

yourself to the world, but how you choose to deal with the things that happen to you and your perspective. Like I said, and I've said this many times on the podcast, and I'm going to keep saying it because I think it's very important. If you were to write down a list of things in your life, two columns, things that you actually have control over and things that you have no control over, you'll be shocked at how many things are in the column of what I actually have control over, because there's actually going to only be one thing. And it's not the weather. It's not whether or not the next business deal that you are looking for is going to go through or not. It's not whether or not you're going to get the next promotion. It's not any of the behaviors of your significant other. It's

not the stock market. It's not the housing market. It's not any of those things. The only thing that you actually have control over is yourself. So ask yourself, how do I want to live my life? do I want to live my life constantly and apparently again through what I have seen from some of these individuals and organizations constantly and apparently only looking for things that fall short of the bar that they consider to be acceptable or do I want to be balanced in my perspective when I encounter something that I consider to be an injustice stepping in and doing something about that, but also being appreciative of the things that are in my life and the things that I actually can control, which puts you into that mental category, again, of this binary choice. Is my

glass half full or is it half empty? I hate binary choices. I don't think that they're realistic. I think that they're easier to present to people. Would you have to be shot or stabbed? It's like, uh, option C. I'd rather run away and have none of those things happen. Can we get a third option in here, a little bit more of a nuanced option? I don't think that life is binary. And I think that by focusing in the middle of the glass half full and the glass half empty and realizing that you can drink some of the water from it and also pour back in, that you can have a much more balanced life. So although this question started about light bulbs, and like I said from the beginning, I have no idea. I think the science is out on this one.

I think I understand how light bulbs work. But it doesn't really matter. It's a matter of perspective. Do you want to be somebody who illuminates? Do you want to be somebody who makes the environment around them better? Do you want to be somebody who throws shadow and shade and is instead of trying to illuminate, trying to drag others down? Do you want to focus on the things that you don't have and the things that have happened to you or the things that you can control and the things that you do? And I think the answer is in the middle of those.

But that all starts with perspective. And that's why I chose this question because I think perspective is the beginning. it's it's it's it's the foundation for how you can present yourself and how you can act accordingly how you view the world around you so i don't know when it comes to the light bulb but that's what i think about perspective question number two i recently started a new career at the ripe old age of 31 i was fairly successful at my old career i suppose since i had been a mechanical technician maintenance in layman's terms for five years i had to come to jesus moment and why i had to come to jesus moment and while looking at what other opportunities were out there saw the city was hiring a 911 dispatcher.

My best friend from high school, who I knew longer than anyone outside of my family, was a dispatcher before he became a fireman and then a police officer. He loved it. What do all firemen and police officers have in common? Answer that question is they both want to be police officers. Moving on. He loved it. my current best friend's mother retired as a dispatcher and loved it as well. Enough about the others, though.

It's always bothered me I didn't serve, but I haven't been able to find the courage to take a leap of faith in that direction. Because when I was 18, I left for MCRDPI, the Marine Corps, two days after my high school graduation. I had a heat stroke on training day two, and when I awoke in the hospital, I wanted to speak to my dad and was told I could, could not. I had already already been broken. I said the S word that everyone who joins knows shall never be said. I think that means suicide. I didn't have my shoelaces and belt taken from me because they didn't think I was truly a threat to myself. After days of the DIs giving me a chance to make the choice, I wish I had made. I confessed to my SDI, which I'm assuming is a senior drill instructor. I was on anti-day presence when I was 14 and I didn't disclose it in my paperwork. So I

was separated for an undisclosed medical condition. Excuse me. I spent the last 13 years bearing that time my life and trying to forget it. Now that I've told my family about my decision to start a career in emergency services, my dad's initial reaction was basically to scoff. He was a motor lifeboat crewman in the Coast Guard before coming a paramedic for roughly 30 years before becoming a nurse. He knows how much it meant to me to serve and how much it killed my spirit to not be the man I wish I was. Yet he scoffed and said, as long as I make more money doing this. Hold on. Yet he scoffed and said, as long as I make more money doing this. Okay, so he's basing it off of the financial. I took a six-hour pay cut or $6 an hour pay cut to pursue something that would give me purpose so I could

stop running from the past and look forward. I spoke to my stepbrother the other day and he said, he heard I quit my job become a dispatcher and he made a comment about as long as I make more. I definitely would not have gotten this job if I had disclosed that a week prior to applying, I had finally decided to go out in the garage and take a nap while the four-wheeler was running. My mom texted me and asked how I was doing 30 minutes after that, and I went outside to weep and talked to her because she understands what I had been going through in the months leading up to all of this. She asked me if I loved my job. I told her I did not. It was a good job, and I liked it. But I don't, or I didn't.

love it, so she told me to pursue dispatch. I'm not really sure what my question is, but it feels good to write all of this down. I've thought about writing in about my boot camp embarrassment slash failure, but can never must have the courage to articulate my thoughts and put pen to paper. Maybe any thoughts you have can be of help to a good friend of mine who's recently gotten entry-level separation from the Marine Corps due to a failure to adapt, as well as anyone who is a listener that has had a similar experience. Song for Sorry for the long-ass email, but this is a really emotional one for me. I suppose it's worthy of a mention that cleared hot and guests you have on have given me the perspective that led me to making an attempt at finding a job that gives me purpose.

And I can't thank you enough. I've only been doing it two weeks, but I love it. And I have never been excited to go to work each day like I am now. Thank you in best regards. So interesting email, obviously. There's not a whole lot of questions in here. I think this is just kind of somebody explaining the frustration that they have felt since they went to boot camp and were not successful. And the frustrations that they are having with the reactions to their family.

So I'm going to start with the easy one here because I've had this own experience in my life. And that is people trying to say you should only pursue an occupation if you continue to ladder up in your pay. And I understand where that comes from. but again, it's like this very binary, linear mindset of, okay, this is your job. The next job that you have or the next position you have, it has to be a little bit up and a little bit over, meaning an advancement in either position or rank or whatever it may be, and then you need to make more money. And it has to be that way, and it's up and over and up and over and up and over and up and over. And maybe that's the way it was for a really long time.

And maybe that is still the way that it is. But what I will say to you is that chasing money in my own life, pursuing things because of a dollar sign that may be associated with it, found me in a place where I was so unhappy professionally. And regardless of the amount of money that might have been in a bank account or that was getting auto deposit every two weeks, I was as poor. as I'd ever been. I was unhappy and that was manifesting mentally and physically. And I just don't care what it says on your paycheck. If you don't enjoy doing what you're doing, at some point in time, you're going to be smashing your head up against a wall. Now, if people were to take that advice, literally, there probably would never be somebody who wanted to take an entry-level job at something like McDonald's or a barista at the coffee shop getting ready to open up or whatever entry-level

position there may be for people as they are entering the job market. And I'm not saying that for those people, you know, bypass all of those jobs and only find something that is meaningful. Like when you're young in your life, at 16, early 20s, you're probably going to have to do some jobs that are going to allow you to arrive at a station at life where you start to have a little bit more choices. You know, it's telling a 15-year-old to follow their passion is not is not bad advice. It's just probably not that practical when it comes to paying their rent. And it wasn't until later in life that I learned these lessons about money. And my theory on money now or anything that I'm going to do from a professional perspective, the money is what I look at

last. Do I actually want to do this? Am I going to wake up in the morning and enjoy what I'm doing? Or am I going to wake up in the morning or have moments throughout the day of absolute dread because of these are the things that I have to do and now I'm obligated. I've made enough mistake. when it comes to this stuff, that the realization for me is the money is the least important. Now, again, I'm a little bit farther down the road than people earlier on in this journey, so just take that into consideration. I'm not saying you should skip the entry-level jobs. I'm not saying you shouldn't pay your dues. But at some point in time, in your life, you'll probably have the realization that the ladder or escalator or elevator that you're on,

it may not be the exact journey that you want. And I think somebody taking a $6 an hour pay cut to do something that they are excited, like the last sentence in your email. I've only been doing this for two weeks, but you love it and you've never been more excited to go to work each day like you are right now. That's awesome. By me looking at money last, it has actually provided for me more opportunities. And the most powerful thing I've learned to say in business is no. I am approached by brands pretty often who want to, whether it be advertising on the podcast

or they want to have a professional relationship. and they will often lead with, hey, this is what we're willing to pay. And if a brand does that, my response is, no, thank you, because I'm not interested in looking at a monetary figure. I'm interested in looking at, well, what does the brand stand for? What do you do? What role do you think that I would have in this? Is this something that I naturally do in my life? Do I have to change my life to incorporate this seamlessly?

And if any of those things are a no, I pass on it. And what I found is by passing on things that might have been financially more appealing up front, it has led to deeper and more fulfilling relationships that actually have netted more money in the end, even though it was the thing that I was paying the least attention to. Did you take a $6 pay cut right now? Yes, you did. Where is it going to be in a year, though? Is there a cascading ladder for advancement in the dispatch world, which I know almost nothing about? So I guess that's an open-ended question. Are you going to meet and potentially, you know, you said you had another friend who went from being a dispatcher to a firefighter to a police officer.

You know, maybe you're going to want to do that. Maybe that pipeline is going to open itself up to you. And then you're talking about way different things from, you know, and perhaps there is a, I'm sure there's a health care, but I don't know anything about the pension system for dispatchers. But I do know for a fact that it exists for firefighters and for law enforcement. You're going to meet different people. You're going to be exposed to different things. and a year from now, five years from now, you may look back and laugh at the $6 an hour pay cut you took in comparison to what it is that you're making now. So again, before people take my advice too literally and say, well, fuck these entry-level jobs, that's not what I'm saying.

What I'm saying is and what I think everybody should do, and not what I think everybody should do, what I hope everybody is able to do at some point in their life is to look at money secondarily. It seems like that comes a little bit later and that's okay. The experiences that you have leading up to that point are going to help you. Now, another thing when it comes to, you know, taking professional or occupational advice, just be cautious. You know, your dad obviously is an important person in your life. Your mom's an important person in your life. But a lot of times people view their path and try to apply their path to other people. And that's just, I don't think that should be the case.

I think it's cool generationally when sons and daughters want to fall into their parents' footsteps. But I also think there's nothing wrong with them when to be completely divergent and finding it out on their own. It's cool that your dad, you know, did 30 years of this, that, and the other. But hopefully in the future, that cannot color his responses to you when you talk about the things that you want to do. Because it sounds like his path is not the path that is going to be best for you. Um, one of the things that I hoped for the most with all three of my kids, and this has played itself out to be the case so far, is that I didn't want any of them to follow into my footsteps. I could, I had so much fun in my old job. I'm so proud of the things that I was able to do. And the last thing I wanted was for my kids to follow in my footsteps. Had they wanted to, would I have let them? Yes. Would I have given them as much objective information as possible so they could have made the decisions that they, they, they, they, they, needed to, to feel whole in their life. Yes, if they had settled on that, would I have everything I could to help train them and all those things? Absolutely, I would have.

But I'm so glad that they chose to do something else. And my theory on when your kids, you know, raising your kids is provide for them as many options as possible. You know, at some point in time, it's probably a good idea to start narrowing them down a little bit if they're, you know, 16, 17, 18 years old and they have, you know, 30 different things that they're trying to pursue. I'm not saying that that's bad, but perhaps their attention and energy would be dedicated and devoted to a little bit more narrow of a bandwidth. But the one thing I never stressed to my kids is this is what you have to do. This is what you have to do it by or this is when you have to do it by. And I am going to judge your success based off of anything that may have

happened in my life. I do the exact opposite of that. I want them to be their own people. And that's blanket advice that I would give to any parents out there. Now, to the root of this email that you sent in, it distills down to what happened to you when you went to boot camp and the choices that you made that disqualified you for military service if it is cathartic for you to write this email out even in the 10 minutes it probably took you to write this out my advice to you and my suspicion is one it's a larger anchor on your life than you may realize two go do something about that. If you found the email cathartic, go find somebody to talk to about this so you can put this down. The weight that you are talking about and the regret that you feel and the fact that it still

impacts who you wish you could be is it's you're living life, not all of life, but you're living a portion of your life. You're dedicating a portion of your energy to looking in the rearview mirror. and it's a waste of your time. You can't change it, but you can learn from it. And don't get me wrong. I have, fuck, I've made some mistakes in my life. And I have regrets. I have regrets to this day from stupid small things that I did being a jackass in high school. Run in my mouth when I shouldn't have run my mouth. And I remember saying stupid shit to people that I wish that I could go back and make amends for. And I have when I have run into those people. that's probably a smaller example of something in the past but dedicating too much time into the rear view mirror. I identified it was an issue and I tried to do something about it. What happened to you in boot camp is rough. It sounds like it may have changed the trajectory and course of your life. But just ask yourself, do you want to live your life looking in the rearview mirror?

Or do you want to live your life looking through the windshield? I recommend the windshield and I think most people would. But there are people out there who can help you rewire the way that you think about this. They will be able to help you disassemble this building one brick at a time. And at the very least, take that weight off of you and maybe potentially even take those bricks and build it into something beautiful that is going to absolutely springboard and propel you into the future. Everybody makes mistakes in life. The question is, do you want to be defined by those mistakes? or do you want to learn from those mistakes, accept those experiences, and become a better

version of yourself because of them. And that's what I would leave you with. Question three. I'm writing to you, as yours is a perspective I don't have in my day to day, and the act of writing itself is cathartic. My younger brother and sister-in-law celebrate or celebrate their 14th anniversary this month. There is a relationship that I have looked to in the past as an example as I picked up the pieces after my own failed marriage in subsequent long-term relationship. But like in all relationships, they are going through a rough patch. I feel compelled to help as I love them both. And therein is my question, to intervene or to let it play out.

If the former, which is my inclination, which is to intervene, how the fuck do I do it without sounding didactic or hypocritical? Your relationship expertise is welcome. I am also scrolling through Instagram for sound advice, which probably you'll find better advice on Instagram than I could provide for you because that's where people go to give it. I mean, what's the best mechanism to deliver advice? An M-E-M-E, also known as a M-A or a meme. So to intervene or let it play out, I think the title is email. It was to be Switzerland or not.

I've been in exactly the same place that you are. I also have a failed marriage. and I have friends that have had ups and downs. Some of them have been recovered. Others have been catastrophic explosions. And what I want to say is anybody who tells me that their relationship is perfect is full of shit. We're talking about two human beings. Both are obviously flawed in their own way because we're talking about human beings.

And I just can't imagine people being together for a suburb. substantial period of time where you're not going to at least at some point in time develop friction. There's healthy ways to deal with it. There's unhealthy ways to deal with it. You can address issues and bring them into the light or you can shove them down deep and not talk about them until the timing is incredibly bad and you're soaked in alcohol. I don't recommend that of course of action. Rough patches are going to happen. And when you see people that you love, what do you do? My advice would actually not be to intervene. And it would not necessarily be to let it all play out either. This is, again, I'm going to go in between the two. I would intervene to the point of saying,

I love you guys and I am here for you, but I do not want to get into the middle of your personal business. I recognize that your relationship is between the two of you. If either of you, have questions about my own personal experience or the things that caused my previous marriage to crumble, things I wish I had done differently, lessons that I learned along the way, lessons that I learned in the rebuilding of my future relationships. I'm absolutely here to answer them. If you need somebody to talk to, I'm here to listen. But what I don't want to do is get involved to a point of taking sides because I love you both. And it's not fair to either of you.

Now, if there is, and I am by no means saying that there is this, if there are extenuating circumstances, violence, alcoholism, addiction of some other kind, then I would say intervention would be probably a little bit more called for. But I think the best thing that you can do is to reach out to them, let them know that you care about them, let them know that you love them, let them know that you love them, let them that you're there for them and then give them the space to navigate through the rough patch in the hopes that they make it back into a smoother patch and that their relationship comes out of that stronger without any judgment from you. It's tough, especially, you know, when one's

your brother and the other one's sister-in-law, right? So you have blood family and then you have legal family. 14 years is not a short period of time. So you obviously have a deep level of relationship with both of them longer on your brother's side, obviously. but it's their situation to work through. And I look back through my own divorce. And I'll, you know, it's easy for family to take the appropriate side, meaning your family and you taking your brother's side, her family taking the sister-in-law's side.

And I think that can be expected. but my friends who were newer to the situation and the ones that I appreciated the most throughout the process were just the ones who would call and say, hey man, how you doing? Not like, oh, fuck, you know, how's the divorce going? Oh, you know, that fill in the blank, you know, four letters

just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and just pile on to the other side. I didn't want any part of that and I didn't want any part of it then. What I appreciated was people who would reach out, not like every 20 minutes, but they would reach out to a degree that I knew, I truly knew that they cared because they were taking time out of their life to check in on mine to make sure that I was doing okay. And they didn't want anything in return other than for me to be honest with them about how I was doing. That to me, I mean, again, if you want allies, you can go to the family side of the house and you're going to find the allies there. and that's totally normal, be cautious with that and only listening to that side. It was hugely valuable for me to have somebody who lived in the world between intervening and letting it all play out, even if they knew both sides.

And that is what I would recommend for you. So it's like Switzerland-ish. It's intervening-ish, letting it all play out-ish. You're just there to provide as much love as you possibly can. support and without judgment. That's the best advice that I can give you. Hopefully it helps. Last question. Actually, how long have I been going at this before? So I've been going for 30 minutes. I've been going for 30 minutes. I'm saving the next question for next Friday. Everybody have a good one and that's all I got for this week. See you.