Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Full Auto Friday - Round 45

Episode Date: March 19, 2021

Rapid-fire Q and A submitted from the listeners! A variety of topics with a five-minute time cap per answer. 1. My wife had been financially irresponsible and I'm crushed, what should I do 2. I wanted to be a SEAL my entire life but never enlisted. How can I test myself in similar ways 3. How can I enjoy my freedoms without being a complete dumbass 4. I love my girlfriend, her family hates my guts, what should I do 5. Surgeon or PJ, which one should I do Enjoy Christensen Arms

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and I could not be more fired up. They changed my hunting season for last year. They are the original creators of the carbon fiber rifle barrel, and they are makers of the lightest and most accurate rifles in the industry. They hooked me up with a 308 and a 300 wind mag. I slapped a suppressor on both of those things. And even with a high-power maven optic on top of that, It was the lightest rifle, most adjustable rifle that I've ever taken into the backcountry.

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Onit.com slash hot. And that's it. Let's dive in. Full out of Friday, 45. To the smoke, I'm looking at danger close now. Oh, wait a minute, baby. Can't be clear not. Full out of Friday, number 45.

Let's get into this. Cut five, five doozies of a question of questions today. But here we go. Question one, sorry for the war in peace that follows. but I find myself at a crossroad without a compass or adequate land nav skills. When I first met my now wife, I had just pulled myself from homelessness due in part to a horrible divorce. After several years of financial discipline, I had actually bought us a house. Or bought a house, not us a house.

She enters into the picture with about $10,000 of debt, suffering from a chronic case of hero complex. I jumped in and helped restructure her debt and actually took about 6K on myself. We moved in and I soon took over all the finances. After seven years we were debt free, including the house I purchased. After a fight, I separated the finances and prepared for a divorce. Divorce didn't happen, but our finances remained separated. She had her bills and income, and I had mine. I assumed she was continuing the financial plan I had set up for her,

which should have netted her nearly 20K in savings by now. Long story short, it didn't. And she just informed me that she's about $62,000 in the hole. I've never felt more betrayed. Hell, I think I could have handled an affair better. She claims she will figure it out, and that she won't allow it or bankruptcy to affect me, but I'm pretty sure any debt is ours as a married couple.

So now I'm on the hook as well. Problem is I love her very much, but I don't think I can ever look at her the same. I'm worried my plans are shot because I have to figure out how to dig out from under this. I don't have any faith or trust in her doing it. She has obviously shown no capacity to and everything she says is an excuse. How fucked am I? Which direction would you point me into?

Damn. Okay. This is a dozy and let me just tell you right now I'm not an expert on divorce or finances. However, I have some thoughts. You used a term here in your email that I want you, a couple actually, a couple that I want you to consider. The first thing is you are speaking a little bit in absolutes, and I would caution you against doing that. When you say everything that she says is an excuse, I think that we can agree. That is not the case. Always, never, and everything. Those are tough terms. I can understand

where you're coming from because it's a place of frustration, but take a step back, take a breath, and realize that that statement in and of itself is not true. Now, you said in this email that you assumed she was continuing the financial plan that you had set up for her. I can understand that, but you also had an opportunity to check in with her at whatever interval that you had wanted to or thought appropriate before it got to this $62,000 in the hole. And by no stretch of the imagination, am I saying that her financial behavior is your fault? But what I'm saying is you may have been able to round the corners on this and maybe pointed in a different direction if you had not assumed and you had been more proactive in your approach.

Just food for thought. When it comes to your divorce, I mediated my divorce. And I can tell you in Montana at least how the community assets are viewed. And I don't think it matters whether or not you separated your accounts. I had joint accounts. And what I can tell you is it was viewed as a pot. And when it came to the distribution, everything was broken down into a percentage. Your name may be on the account, but it may be counted as part of the marital estate.

And if that is the case, yes, I would expect that it is probably going to get split. Hopefully it will be equitably. It is possible that it will not. What I can tell you is that in my divorce, I left with 100% of the debt. So there is a chance, if you do go that path, that, yes, you may. may end up absorbing all of this debt. I don't know what state you live in. I don't know if you'd be able to mediate and I don't know if you would end up going to court. I have no experience in court myself so I don't know how they would carve it. But prepare yourself for the fact that yes, you may

end up being in a place where that debt would be associated with you as well. So this is obviously an email about money, but you said it yourself in the words that you used. It's actually about trust. You said you don't think that you can ever look at her the same and you don't have any faith in her fixing it. And trust, you know, it's an interesting analogy when you talk about trust because I often, I just got done doing a leadership speech and there's foundational principles that come, or I would say that don't come from the leadership, but it's foundational principles inside of the seal community that as leaders you have to be aware of and that you should embody. And the third one that I speak about, and it's probably the most important, is trust. And when I talk about trust, I actually talk about it

in terms of money or a bank account or equity and capital. You can put money in the bank, trust in the bank, and continue to build trust. And it also goes in the other direction. You can take out a withdrawal. And it looks like your wife right now took out a massive withdrawal to the point where you are at rock bottom. And the difference between trust and a bank account is that even if you file bankruptcy, you can get another job and start putting money back in. If your trust bank account goes to zero, and again, I'm not a fan of absolute, so I try to avoid terms like always and never. When the trust bank accounts hit zero, with the people that I have worked for and with when that happens, I have never been able to put that trust back into them. I'm not saying it's impossible,

but what I'm saying is I understand how you feel in the position that you are in. Is it impossible to repair this and recover from this? It's absolutely not. Is it going to be difficult? It absolutely is. And I would suggest complete and utter transparency. I think that's the only way that you will be able to rebuild that trust. If you dive in to decide you're going to stay together and you dive in and you solve all of these problems, all you're doing is the same thing that you did at the beginning of the relationship. You are modeling behavior, right? It's the definition. of insanity. You are doing the same thing, but you're expecting a different outcome. So you're modeling the behavior you showed before. She repeated it. Again, I'm not putting any judgment on that.

But if you repeat the same thing, what is going to stop her from doing it a third time? Not saying that she necessarily will, but keep that in the back of your head. This is something that you guys need to do together. It's, again, a plan needs to be put in place. And I would say the best way to rebuild trust would be for the individual we're talking about here, your wife to have her actions commensurate with her words. She says that she wants to work her way out of this and it's not going to affect you. I'll tell you right now it is, but if you can put a plan in place and she lives up to that plan and she says that she's going to fix it and you see her actions matching that, I think it will hopefully start bringing you two back together. Money's a tough

tissue and trust, God, it's even more, it's even more critical. I mean, money largely, I come to the conclusion is valueless. It allows you to do some things. Trust, I don't know if there's anything that could be more valuable. I feel, I feel bad for the situation that you are in. But what I would say is, this email to me has a lot of emotion in it. And the navigation out of this situation is not going to come from emotion. It's going to come from objective, critical thinking, putting a plan out, open, honest, transparent communication and actions with your partner. And hopefully, going down that path towards recovery from this, you can rebuild that trust and come back together closely. If you decide that you're going to end it, like I said, my experience is the debt may, in fact,

all be saddled to you. And any money that you have set aside may be carved in half or she may get a disproportionate amount. So keep all those in mind. I'm sorry for the situation that you're in, and hopefully that helped you just a little bit. Question number two, this one's a touch along as well. I have a question that burns my brain to its core. I've been listening to you for over a year now and can say without hesitation that I look forward to the release of each new episode. You have a great way of putting things into perspective. I am a 45-year-old firefighter that's a little over four years shy of retirement. I'm happily married to an amazing woman and have two awesome kids. I absolutely love my life. But lately, I've been thinking about the past and my one regret

keeps consuming a lot of space in my head. That regret was not trying to become a seal. From the age of 11 or 12, all the way up to my sophomore year of high school, I obsessed about joining the teams. I would run, swim, and do seal workouts like a crazy person. I even contemplating tried to do my own hell week, but decided that wouldn't be a good idea. Could call on that. It wouldn't be a good idea. As the time went on, I slowly started getting pulled into partying, fishing, and hunting, which doled my fire to join. As I graduated high school, the party continued, and I fell into firefighting. Fast forward to 2001 and 9-11 happens, and I snapped back into my desire to be a seal. I mean, 343 of my brothers were murdered by those pieces of shit, and I was pissed.

So, once the dust settled, and we saw who was responsible and what the military was doing, I wanted to fight. So I looked into ditching the fire service and joining the teams. I was crushed to learn. I missed the age cutoff. And even though I could have went with other branches that had higher age cutoffs, I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was the seals or nothing. So my question is, what can I do to test myself? I look at the seal teams as the ultimate test of one's self. And I am bummed that I will never know if I would have made it. I do believe that everything happens, and in parentheses, and doesn't for a reason. But that doesn't make it suck any less. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. All right. I get a version of this question pretty often. And it's in the subject line, it will say regret. I wish I could change the past. How do I let go of something that I wanted to do in the past? What I can tell you is, and I think you've already recognized this, is that the ship has already sailed. So you're obviously well past that point. And I can understand wanting to look into the rearview mirror and wonder and question and perhaps hope that things were different. Or you had taken a day. different path. Now, it's great that you want to spend time and energy doing that, but it doesn't change anything. And I'm going to go right back to your first sentence. You're happily married to an amazing woman and have two awesome kids. You absolutely love your life. You need to focus on that and do everything that you can to stop looking in the rearview mirror and start looking through

the windshield and to the road ahead of you. Your four years shy of retirement. My first suggestion to you would be put the suitcase down, put the weight down of wanting to be a seal and focus your effort on what you're going to do after you retire from the fire service. You're going to be 49 years old. You're spring chicken as far as I'm concerned. You have plenty of runway in front of you to still again reinvent yourself. Now, are the SEAL teams the ultimate test of oneself? No, I don't think so. Is it physically challenging and mentally challenging? Yes, it absolutely is. Is it the hardest thing on the face of the planet? No, it's absolutely not.

It is a six-month pipeline. It is well designed that grinds people and pushes them to their lowest point, suppressing humans down and applying pressure and then watching what they do in that pressure cooker. Is it a good test of oneself? Yes, it absolutely is. But you have so many other options. As a matter of fact, you know yourself best so you know the options that perhaps would be enticing to you. Maybe in an effort to sustain high quality of life going forward, you put a benchmark

down every single year for a very difficult physical activity. A lot of people will use marathons, and if you're not into running, don't do a marathon. Go climb Mount Rainier. Go climb McKinley. Pick a travel that you could do, perhaps with your family that involves a physical exercise. You know, there's plenty of large peaks in the United States. Maybe you put those on a little target for yourself and you aim at that. Maybe you want to do a triathlon. Maybe you want to do an Ironman. Maybe you want to do a tough mutter or an adventure type of race. Those things, are they the ultimate test of oneself? I don't really know. I think it depends on the individual, but it certainly is a test of oneself. And it will allow you to look at something in the future, as opposed to something

in the past. You can test yourself every single day. And here's the best way to do it. You're going to be presented with opportunities and choices every single day. The first one's going to be when you get out of bed. Do you leave your bed a mess or do you make your bed? Well, one choice is easy. One choice is slightly more difficult. Then you're going to go to breakfast, probably. I mean, I actually don't know anything about your life, but let's assume you have breakfast next. Do you want to eat like a garbage disposal or do you want to be disciplined in how you eat and have a meal that would help you achieve those fitness goals that you have for yourself? One is an easier choice, one's slightly more difficult. Are you going to work out financially, physically, physically,

emotionally, mentally, are you going to challenge yourself and take the easy path? Or not take the easy path? Are you going to challenge yourself and take the difficult path? Or are you going to have a laissez-faire attitude and take the easy path? They both lead to different directions for sure in a different end state. So testing yourself is very subjective. You have your choice, I don't know, 20 times a day, if not more than that, at every decision that you make. But again, if you can, put down the weight.

there's nothing you can do about the past. You have a bright future in front of you. You're finishing up a firefighter career. And let's not forget, if you're finishing up a firefighter career, you served. If I'm being totally honest, you have served an order of magnitude greater than I did when I was in the military. I did deployments in very short windows where I knew when I was going to go overseas and when I was going to come back. Yes, we trained a lot and we were out of town a lot when we were back. But I wasn't on as many days as you have been.

in a career. I guarantee you that much. And from what I know, from firefighters, first responders, law enforcement, you actually don't have days off. I mean, yes, I know you have days where you don't go to the firehouse. But every person that I know who comes from that world, if something happens in front of them, they dive in. They're trained to do that. They have a desire to serve, and they do so at every single opportunity. So don't think for a second that you haven't made the world around you a better place. And like I said, probably an order of magnitude greater than I was ever able to as a seal. Love your life, man. Focus on your kids. Focus on your amazing wife and look at the future. Take that rearview mirror and rip it off and only start looking forward. That would be my advice.

Question three. I have a question regarding self-defense with the recent events of Sarah Everard. I I apologize if I said that incorrectly. In London, I'm a female with, I guess, what you'd call a tough girl attitude. I often get honked at, whistled at, etc., while I go on runs. I've been followed. I've had to report sexual harassment. I could go on and on with examples of situation where I have felt unsafe because of my gender. My question, however, goes back to that I like to run at night. I like to do things on my own, even in sketchy areas, and I simply enjoy my freedoms. I sometimes will be confrontational with individuals if they have. harass me. How do you think I can enjoy my freedom without being a complete dumbass? I don't know if I should carry pepper spray, a knife, a gun, or invest in learning Brazilian jujitsu. Okay. How do you enjoy your freedoms without being, in your words, a complete dumbass? You need to be doing a risk assessment. You need to be observing the risk, calculating the risk, and mitigating the risk as much as humanly possible. Being confrontational with individuals if they harass you.

I'm going to say right there, avoid at all costs. It's likely not going to change that individual's behavior. And my concern would be is that it would escalate to a situation that is beyond your ability to control that could have very severe and negative consequences for you. Having a tough girl attitude, I don't know exactly what that means. But what I would prefer from somebody as opposed to having a tough girl attitude would to be an actual tough girl. I don't have an experience with getting honked at or whistled at. I have no experience with being followed.

So I have nothing but empathy. And I'm doing my best to understand how you will view the world differently in that space. And I've said this before. I've never really been concerned about my physical safety. It's for most men. I think they blindly go through life, not realizing that half of the population generally and likely has to deal with this. So this is something that recently I've been trying to flip my perspective out and think about ways that I could hopefully make a difference. Again, risk assessment.

You like to do things on your own, even in sketchy areas. You like to run at night. Risk versus reward. Is the reward that you get personally from doing. that worth the risk that you are taking. Could you, are you willing to invite some friends or find ways that you could do the activities that you like in environments that have less risk? Running in the daytime is going to be less risk than running at night. Running with friends is going to be a lower risk than running as an individual. And I don't understand, you know, you like to do things on

your own, even in sketch years. That's a tough one for me to understand. But I'll tell you this, if I'm aware of an area being sketchy, and anybody listening to this can use their own definition of what sketchy is, I avoid it. And I'm not saying I'm the most highly trained person on the face of the planet. I feel comfortable at a variety of ranges from ballistic ranges to having my hands on individuals. And I still avoid areas that I consider to be sketchy. Why? Because the reward doesn't exist. And the risk exceeds any potential positive side effect or consequence that I could have from going into those areas.

It is simply not worth it. And again, going into those areas and then being confrontational with people that can add another layer to it. So the best advice I can give you is you need to take a better look at how you deal with risk. There's a difference between taking risk and gambling. If you go into, if you go on a run at night into a sketchy area without putting anything into place or having a tools there to protect yourself, you're gambling. If you absolutely have to do that run and you find a friend. and you inform your friends of where you're going to be and what to do if they don't hear from you and you give them and you give them a timeline and you do the best you can to stay in well-lit areas and you stay as a group, you're taking risk, but it's at least calculated. It sounds to me like you're gambling a little bit, and I would avoid that at all costs.

Now, to your question on how I think you can enjoy your freedom without being a complete dumbass when it comes to carrying pepper spray or a knife or a gun or even in learning Brazilian jiu-jitsu, yes, to all of that, I'm not going to tell you which one of you. of those that you should do. I'm going to say all of those are options and they all have pros and cons. The easiest way, the most effective tool with the shortest learning curve that would give you the ability to protect yourself is a firearm. But where you live and maybe where you want to go, they may not allow for a concealed carry. So that might not be an option for you. But that is the single most powerful tool with the shortest barriers to entry where you would likely be able to defend yourself in a life or death situation. I don't have an experience with knife fighting, so I can't tell you on that one. Pepper spray, all I can tell you when it comes to the type of

chemicals that people are sprayed with, depending on the individual that you're spraying, they may have a reaction you might not expect. For some people, it's very incapacitating, and for others, they might be on some things where they're going to wipe their eyes and keep coming at you, and you might be the one covered in pepper spray if they can get their hands on you. Learning Brazilian jiu-jitsu? Sure, it's a great idea, but let me tell you right now, the investment in time and that is huge. Six months in, you know, you're probably not going to be able to adequately defend yourself from somebody who is outmatching you from a weight perspective of 20 or 30 pounds. A year in, two years in, three years in, probably a different story. And it's one of

the things that I love the most about jujitsu is it levels that playing field. But the time investment there is huge. There are no, you know, there's no magic, there's no magic tools. There's no secret recipe from when it comes to being able to be protecting yourself, you know, self-aware. But it starts with headspace and being aware of the environment that you are in and avoiding situations that could potentially turn consequential for you. Avoiding them, not willingly going into them. And again, that's where I'm going to point you back to. Take a look at how you are either accepting risk or in this case what I would describe is gambling and do everything that you can to control the variables that you can and then look at the risk left over. Is it really worth it?

Could you change your schedule a little bit and still get the benefit while you're taking the time to invest in these tools to make you more prepared to defend yourself? That would be my advice. Question four. We got two more. Hey, Andy, thanks for taking the time to read. I would appreciate some relationship advice from you on an issue I've been having for quite some time. I will try to keep it short. My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half.

We're both young, still in high school, but I see a lot of promise for our future. there is one issue. Her parents hate my guts, and this isn't the typical father trying to scare the boyfriend away. This is a legitimate hatred for me that her entire family has. Their hatred for me has even extended to my family. They are constantly talking shit about me and my family, despite them not even knowing my family, even though I have been nothing but kind and loyal to their daughter, and have always treated her with respect. Here's my question. I have been dealing with this for our entire relationship and the only reason I've stayed this long is because she is an incredible girl. She supports me and all that I do. And she really does appear to be one of a kind. But her parents

have really started to escalate things lightly and I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. Should I give up on a special girl just because of her family or should I just suck it up? Is there a third option? Thank you for reading. Again, not a relationship expert, but I have some thoughts. Okay. First and foremost, I feel like there's something missing from this email. Why do they hate your guts so much? And the number of answers that you could potentially give is numerous. It could come all the way down to they hate who you are because of your upbringing or where you are from or maybe you're slightly older than your girlfriend. Fill in the blank. But this type of behavior, I would assume at some point you have an understanding of where it comes from.

you didn't provide that, it's a little bit more difficult to give you some advice. However, I think I would give you the same advice, even if you had those details. And the advice I'm going to give you is this. If you decide to stay with this young woman, let's say it goes to a place where you guys are deciding to get married. Just realize that you are marrying her family, too. And they're not going to go anywhere. And I have questions. My first question, What's your girlfriend's take on all this? How does she deal with the disrespect that her family has towards you? If she's present when this is going on, what does she do?

Does she do anything? Does she tolerate it? Does she stand there and have your back? Again, one of my favorite quotes, what you tolerate in your presence is your standard. And if she's tolerating this right now, what do you think is going to happen in the future? You think when you get out of high school, she's going to have this incredible shift in personality, and all of a sudden she's going to say, hey, you know what, mom and dad? you need to shut the fuck up, it's probably not going to happen.

So a realization you will come to in your life. And I am not telling you to break up with your girlfriend. Let me be very clear. I'm not a relationship expert. I absolutely believe in love. I believe in relationships. I believe in marriage. But I believe in being in the relationship that is being in a relationship that is healthy

on both sides. I believe in marriage to the right person. You are still in high school, and I hope that you realize that there is more than one special girl that you will meet in your life. Trust me on that. Now, I remember being your age, and I can think about seven seconds ahead in my life so I can understand why you think it may be worth it to tolerate this because this woman is so special. You're not going to be the same person in five years, and neither is she. But her parents might be. They are more concrete in who they are going to be because of their age.

Do not think that all of the sudden this is going to go away. So consider those aspects. Consider how much you want to tolerate. I mean, to me, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. She's obviously still living with her parents, so you're going to have to deal with them. And like I said, if you marry a woman, you're marrying her family as well. If you have these issues, I don't see them getting worse, nor do I see them. them actually wanting her to marry you in the first place.

And then you're going to come to an impasse that is going to be a very interesting conversation and journey for her and her family. You have a lot of runway in front of you. You're super young. There are a lot of special people on the face of the earth. Don't put all your chips in a basket that is already trending in this direction. And I'm not telling you to break up with this person. I'm not somebody who ever believes.

in telling people what to do. I'm trying to provide you with a way to view this so you can make your own decision. It doesn't sound to me like it's going to be getting better. And the last thing that I would like anybody to do is to enter into a negative, unhealthy situation very early in life and have it taint the rest of their life. So food for thought. Last question. I'm a 17-year-old kid who's been wrestling for 13 years, shooting for 12, and you have loved the outdoors. for all 17 years. Now, I'm stuck between two different life paths that I'm thinking about taking. Option one is to continue down the path I'm on now of becoming a surgeon.

I've had this dream for many years to the point where I've taken all opportunities to learn about medicine. I am on track to graduate high school with my associate's degree and be a certified CNA, I actually don't know what that is, and EMT. I have lately, for the past six or seven months, started listening to you, Jocko, and reading about people from your military world. I started to feel the pull of service and the desire to do hard shit. I quickly learned of Air Force PJs

and their amazing motto so others may live. Option two would be to enlist in the Air Force to become a PJ. And I do not know how to choose or who to talk to. Please help me. You, young man, sound like you are. are incredibly unique. You're getting ready to graduate high school with an associate's degree and be whatever is a C&A is and an EMT.

I'm going to assume both of those are peripheral to the medical world. You're unique. And my advice to you would be to dive headlong down the surgeon's path. Because I'm going to assume it'll take you six to ten years to do that. So you'll be in your 20s. And if it's not what you want it to be, the military is still going to be there for you. You, sir, are overqualified to be a PJ. And I say that with the absolute utmost love and respect for the PJ community and the military in general. You sound like a goddamn genius,

which is probably what you are. Get into the surgical track and save people's lives. If you hate doing that, you can always go and become a PJ later. If you go down the PJ route first, you never know what's going to happen. We never know what is going to go on in the world. You never know what the wartime or peacetime footing of the U.S. military is going to be. And you could do some amazing things in the PGA community as well. However, it may cost you your life. It may cost you your limbs. And if that's the case, you know, you don't have the chance to go back and try to

become a surgeon if it drastically impacts your life. If you have an amazing PGA career, could you go and then become a surgeon? Hell, yes, you could. Because I suspect somebody like you who's already getting ready to graduate high school with an associate's degree. By the time you get out of the military, you'll probably have a doctorate because I'm sure you would be doing

a school or education on the side. So you'd have nothing but opportunity in front of you. But like I said, there's that chance, there's that potential that it could have a serious impact on who you are as a person. And I would rather see you, it looks to me like you're riding a silver bullet. I'd rather see you take that thing all the way down to the target

and then explore your options from there. That is my advice on somebody who went into the military, I worked with some people who had this degree of intellectual capacity that it sounds like you do. And oftentimes I just felt like they weren't being utilized to their potential in the military. And don't get me wrong. I love the military. But I think you can do more. I think you could do greater things.

And that's the advice that I will give you. And that is all I have for this round of full out of Friday. See you guys on Monday. Thank you again to Stereo for sponsoring this episode of the podcast. And like I said, if you want to continue the cleared hot experience, we'll call it the after party, the after show, the after something. Join me and my guests, Tuesday and Thursday, exclusively on the stereo app.

Hopefully I will see you there and hear the questions that you submit so we can have some amazing conversations. And like I said, exclusively on the stereo app. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Thanks for taking the time to tune in, whether you're listening on an audio-only platform or you're watching on YouTube. I appreciate that you take the time every week to tune in.

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