Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Full Auto Friday - Round 48

Episode Date: April 9, 2021

Rapid-fire Q and A submitted from the listeners! A variety of topics with a five-minute time cap per answer. 1. I disagree with your stance on drugs, they are not a victimless crime 2. My parents want me to see a counselor, I don't feel like I need to, why should I 3. My sister needs help with drug addiction, what should I/my family do 4. Why do many SEALs say that the best skill they learned was "how to learn," and how do you do that 5. How can you still support marriage after going through a divorce 6. I miss the structure and ethos I found while serving in the military, how do I find it in the "civilian world" 7. How do I lead a team that makes mistakes Enjoy

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It's Friday. You know what that means? It's fallout of Friday time. A little rapid fire Q&A. As promised, I'm going to answer a few more this week. I think I have six or seven. I'm not very good at math, so we'll just work it out as we go. I have no idea how long it's going to take.

Maybe some of the answers will be quick. Maybe some of them will be longer. But here we go. Question number one for Fallout Friday, 48. I have been a longtime listener of your podcast, and I thoroughly enjoy the diverse topics you discuss. I can honestly say that there have been several times where I disagree with you, but never to the point I felt it was necessary to contact you or question you on your beliefs.

Despite this, I have noted a recurring theme from some of your discussion. The theme is that you believe drug use is a victimless crime. I could be wrong, but that's what I hear when you discuss the topic. Little backstory. I have worked as a police officer for many years, and I have watched the rise of methamphetamine. This, along with other drugs, are not victimless by any stretch of the imagination. At a most basic level, the families of drug users are victims. in that they have to watch as their loved ones spiral into despair and even death.

The community is also a victim when their property is stolen or worse. Many people are victims of other people's drug use, and that is why I believe that the war on drugs is not a futile one. Tonight, I had an incident where a meth addicted person was hallucinating and believed that someone was out to hurt him. This male armed himself and made entry into an unrelated person's home. The homeowner's young child was sleeping only a few feet away from the meth addict, and the homeowner was in horror of what could happen. Knowing this small snippet of a largest story that happens hourly throughout our country, can you truly say that drug use and the behavior that comes with it are victimless?

I'm eager to hear your take on this. Okay, first and foremost, I do not believe that drug use is a victimless crime. for the reasons that you laid out, not only the family, but the community and all of the things that can come from addiction to drugs. What I think I have said in the past, and I'm pretty sure that the way when this topic or drugs come up, the way that I phrase it, or at least that I try to, is in a grander scale, meaning I don't want to be told what to do in my life, and I also don't want to tell other people what to do. I want them to have the freedom of choice to pursue their life in any way that. that they want to, whether that be in a positive direction or a negative one. I believe that the individual should have that ability to do so. But I always put on there a little asterisk until their beliefs or actions start bumping up against my life or the life of others,

which is exactly what you are talking about in this situation. I do not think at all the drug use or drug addiction, specifically methamphetamine, is victimless by any stretch of the imagination. If there was a way, though, that somebody wanted to use meth and it had no impact on anybody else, I do believe that is their choice. That's not the same as saying that is a victimless crime. I am very fortunate to have made some good friends here in the Flathead Valley that work in law enforcement. And let me tell you, they work around methamphetamine and methamphetamine addicted individuals and methampheme-addicted individuals. committing crimes on a daily level. I mean, I could easily call one of them up right now, and they could probably give me a half a dozen, a dozen instances, in just the last week alone.

And they describe it a lot like you did here. The addict will do whatever they can do to keep using. And what seems like it's common here is crime or items that it can be stolen, specifically weapons, it seems like, because they can pass that upstream for product, is, you know, what they're looking for. So petty theft, you know, breaking and entering, whether it be a vehicle or a home, that gets traded for drugs. They get their fix, but obviously that's a vicious cycle. Is that victimless? No, it's not victimless at all. So I think something should absolutely be done about that. Now, the war on drugs, is it a futile one or not? I would like, and I don't have the best stats on this, I actually don't have any stats on this, but I would love

to sit down and have a conversation with somebody about the billions of dollars that have been spent on the war on drugs, from when the war on drugs, when it was officially started, which I actually don't even know when that was, to today. I would like to get numbers on drug use in the United States. Has it decreased? Has it increased? Has it stayed flatline? What has the impact on this war on drugs actually had? My suspicion is that it has had little to no impact after those multi, maybe even hundreds of billions of dollars have been spent. So perhaps the current approach we're taking is futile, but that doesn't mean, in my opinion, at least, that we shouldn't have some type of approach. And again, I'm not, I'm not somebody who is steeped in this culture, but I don't

necessarily think that filling jails with people who are addicted to drugs is the solution to addiction. In my experience, in the limited conversations that I have had with people, it's more a matter when they get put into that environment. The reason that they're not using is because they don't have access to it. And very rapidly, if not the same day or the same hour when they're released from jail or prison, they are relapsing back into their old behavior. Now, that's not to say that therapy and addiction centers are going to have a better rate when it comes to keeping people off of those substances, but I think it might be a better approach. I would rather see the billions of dollars spent on treatment and trying to address the root cause of the problem as opposed to locking

people up. And again, I'm not saying that you shouldn't get locked up if you commit a crime, right? If you commit a crime, you need to do the time. That's a bumper sticker I think I just made up in quite a cheesy phrase and saying as well. So that absolutely has to exist. But maybe a multi-layered approach to this, a better utilization of that money, maybe coming back and taking a look at how it's being spent, would get us closer to our goal than where we are right now. I talked to the law enforcement in the Valley, right? We're still on the war on drugs. Is anything changing? Their answer to me is no. I talk to the friends that I have in larger cities when it comes to how they're trying to combat drug use or drug sales. Is it making a difference? Are they really

decreasing people's ability and access to get these drugs, no it is not. So my understanding of the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior but expecting a different outcome. And it sounds to me like somebody or from somebody who doesn't live in this world that perhaps we need to readdress our approach because we seem to be doing the same things and the result is the same. So So what else? Again, I don't think it's a victimless crime. I don't know if it's even possible, though, to be a drug addict and not have it affect other people. My overall point when I talk about things like this is that people need to have individual accountability and responsibility.

I want them to have the freedom to make choices in their life, both good and bad. But when it pushes against me or other people and spills over into their life, you know, that's a point in time where I think it has gone. too far, but certainly not victimless. And also, thank you for what you do. I don't think, I think the police right now are under a huge level of scrutiny, and they're being told by a lot of people, actually, they're being told by a very, very loud minority of people that they are not appreciated and they're not doing a good job. And all I can tell you is the people that I know couldn't be more thankful of what you do. So keep your head on a swivel out there, and thanks for what you do. Question number two. Do I really need to see a therapist?

course, I'm going to read this email. Hello, Andy. I'm 17 years old from your hometown of Santa Cruz, California, and I'm hugely, and I'm a huge fan of the podcast. Recently, my parents had suggested I see a therapist for reasons I am not quite sure of. I am a very positive and mentally strong person. I work out every day and use many tools to keep myself happy and healthy. After the first meeting I had, I liked the therapist, but I still feel it a sense that I did not need this and my parents still tell me I need to keep going. You are the reason I have been able to strip away all of the stigma associated with seeing a therapist and my question is really, what should I do? Because there are no direct problems for me to see the therapist about and I

feel as if I don't have enough things wrong to need it. Look forward to hearing your thoughts. Thanks for everything you do and all the laughs and the great thoughts. Well, I'm not sure all of my thoughts are great, but I do have a few on this. First off, I would go and talk to your parents. parents. If you're not sure why they want you to go see a therapist, that is the first place I would go. I would sit them down and say, hey, mom and dad. I appreciate your thoughts and input on something like this, but if you want me to invest, because right now it's not really making sense to me, can you give me a little bit more knowledge or insight into why you think I need to see a therapist? Now, to jump to the end of your email, stripping away the stigma associated with seeing a therapist.

I cannot tell you enough how much it means to me that listening to me talk about my own journey through therapy changed the way that you have thought about this because you're not the only person that has sent me a message like this and I didn't realize probably because I wasn't paying attention if I'm being honest how much of a stigma there is associated with it. So this reinforces to me that I'm never going to shut up about the value of sitting down and talking to somebody. for myself, the way I view myself, I actually also don't think that there are things wrong with me. I don't use those terms when I'm talking about therapy or when I think about therapy when it comes to myself. I would use an analogy more of doing an oil change for a car as opposed to waiting for a catastrophic wreck and then needing a tow truck to take you to a repair facility. A lot of people, I think, wait until that car wreck.

And then, you know, you're rebuilding from scratch. You're really trying to force things back into place. Whereas with your vehicle, your 17, you may not own a vehicle yet. There's a service interval on your vehicle. And it doesn't have anything necessarily to do with the catastrophic failure of the vehicle itself. It's preventative maintenance. You go in there, they pop the hood and they look around it, and they check to see if there are any indications of things that may be.

be going wrong now or potentially wrong in the future. And at the end of the day, what it really does is it reduces the cost of ownership of the vehicle, because it's better to replace your brake pads before your brakes fail, and you end up on the back of that tow truck. And that's the way that I look at therapy. I talk to my therapist on Wednesdays. I had my call yesterday morning at 8 o'clock, and I spent almost no time talking about me. Generally, we'll kick around what's going on in our week when we open up with, and then I spent the time talking about Other people, specifically my kids, because I'm really working on trying to improve my relationship with my kids. My old, I have a 17- and 15-year-old and 12-year-old, and they're on a different journey in life.

And I remember being that age, but they're growing up in a world that is different than the one that I grew up in. So I don't spend the time necessarily saying, hey, this is what's bothering me. This is what I'm trying to work my way through, even though I will do that, if that's the case. but I also use a therapist as an objective third party sounding board. This is what my kids are going through. Do you have any suggestions when it comes to communication? You know, and we're talking about things, you know, how people change their mind. The pre, I can't remember the exact terminology.

You know, but the phases of action or somebody changing their behavior. And we're talking about, you know, is my son, is he just listening or is he engaging in conversation on this certain topic? is he seeking me out on this certain topic, and then is he taking action on that topic? And these are things that I'm not an expert in, but understanding that framework has really helped me when it comes to how I want to set an example and engage with all three of my kids, which, by the way, all three of them, I need a different strategy. So that's an example of something that I would use a therapist to work on or work through. And anything going on in your life, again, it's a checkup.

it's not a catastrophic failure. You could, whatever it may be, 17, and you got runway in front of you. You could use that opportunity to talk about your goals in the future, relationships that you have now or goals that you may have for relationships in the future. Communication with your parents would be another example. I would actually say to your therapist, hey, I'm not actually sure why my parents want me to be here. I don't feel, you know, basically tell your therapist what you wrote in this email and have

a conversation about that. And maybe for you, you don't need to go see a therapist. But like I said, I'm so ridiculously happy that you went to see one because you no longer had any stigma associated with it. And that I think is maybe the most, it may be the most powerful thing that I might be able to do in my life is to strip away that bullshit narrative that if you ask for help, it's a sign of weakness. Because it's actually a sign of strength. And it has made a huge impact in my life. And just in my small social circle a week ago. I was talking with somebody who started seeing a therapist and the benefit that that individual has found in their personal and professional life has been huge.

Yeah, and I don't know what I can necessarily say about that. So talk to your parents, first and foremost, though, and try to get some insight into why they wanted you to go in the first place. And consider going and using it as your checkup and a way to avoid that catastrophic failure. Question three. Hello, Andy. I'm a 21-year-old name. Navy recruit training to pass my PST for an SO contract currently. Let me break that down into English. PST, physical screening test. So they're getting ready to go into the Navy, and they, of course, you have this physical

requirements, and they're looking for an SO contract, special operations. Or actually, yeah, I think that's what it is. They made SO. Yep, it's the rating, basically a seal contract. My question isn't about me and my path. It's about my sisters. She's 16, and all she cares about is partying. and doing drugs, the extent of which I did not know how severe until just this week.

I always thought that she was just smoking weed until my mother went through her phone and found a picture of her smoking what looked more like heroin. My parents don't know what to do, and it's causing a riff in their own marriage. And personally, I don't know how to help her because I was the polar opposite. Goody Two Shoes, child growing up. I don't know that rehab would even help because we've grown up in a rather atheist household. And as far as I know, most rehabs, if not all, are Christian faith-based. Any help and advice you could offer would be much appreciated. Damn.

Okay, so this sucks. I'm just going to work this backwards. I am not an expert in rehabilitation facilities or programs at all. But it is my understanding that they are not all or even the majority Christian faith-based. And again, I say that as somebody who has never attended one of these. but in talking with people who have, I do know a few people in my life who have gone through a rehabilitation process. I can think of one who was religious before, and I think it strengthened their thoughts and their personal journey in religion. And the other two that I can think of

specifically went in with no religious. I mean, I'm sure they would describe themselves as an atheist as well. And I don't remember them mentioning anything about it being faith-based. And my point in saying all of that is, you might be very wrong about that perception of rehab. And if you are, you're missing out on a massive tool. So don't let that stand in the way. Now, back to your sister and the fact that you don't know how to help her because you were the polar opposite. The only advice I think I can give you on this is you don't necessarily need to know how to help her and to be an expert. What I wouldn't do is avoid this because of fear of doing the wrong thing. I have no doubt that you have

unconditional love for your sister, as do your parents. And I would imagine the number one emotion you guys are feeling right now is fear or concern. So take action on that. If I found a picture of my sister smoking heroin, I would do something about that. And it probably would start with a conversation. and I don't think it would be a conversation that would occur over the phone. It's certainly not a text message, right? You need to escalate beyond that, in my opinion, at least, when it comes to issues like this. And I would do everything you can to wrap your arms around your sister, literally, metaphorically, and understand what is going on in her life.

The drugs that are available now scare the shit out of me when it comes to my own kids. Obviously, there's the same ones that were available when I was growing up. up ish. I had never heard of dabbing until last year. And for those of you who don't know what that is, and for those of you that do, if I fuck up this description, you know, give me a pass here because it's not something I've ever tried. But essentially, it's concentrated THC wax, is my understanding. You have to superheat it with like a butane torch and you smoke it out of a very different device than a traditional pipe that you could just smoke marijuana out of. And it is my understanding that it is highly, highly concentrated and delivers a dose of THC that is well above and

beyond what you could get from smoking a joint or smoking weed. Were joints and weeds available when I was growing up? Yes. Had I ever heard of dab dabbing or seen dabbing? Absolutely not. But I have seen some kids. It's interesting, right, what kids keep on their phones, what they want to take videos of. So I've stumbled across a few of these things. Holy shit. It scares the crap out of me. I actually thought when I first saw those videos that it was something much, much worse. Not that dabbing is good. I thought it was, you know, fucking black tar heroin or something along those lines. So like I said, wrap your arms around your sister with your parents, literally metaphorically, and find out what the fuck is going on in her life. I think, you know,

going back to when I was 16 years old, it's so easy to lose track of the few. and just live for the moment, especially if what you're living for in that moment is that feeling of what you get when you're using drugs, right? You'll talk about completely losing side of the runway that's in front of you and forgetting that the future is going to crash down on top of you. The time to make an impact in this person's life is not a week from now and it's not a month from now. It's right now. This is a scary situation. And all I will say is that there's a version of what you wrote down that I am concerned about in my own family. life. So I can absolutely understand the concern and fear that comes from this. I am doing the best

that I can in my own situation to understand, to do exactly the same things that I told you, to wrap your arms around, to get an understanding of what's going on, to help an individual reframe their view of the future and the consequences of the decisions that can be made when you lose sight of that future. And it's very difficult. And it might require you to be obtrusive. But first and foremost, take that unconditional love for your sister, marry that with the love that your mother and father have with her, and do the best you can to do something about it. And until that happens, you know, there probably is going to be a riff in the marriage between your mom and dad, and that's going to be based off of fear and frustration and concern.

And, you know, I don't think it's anything other than that. So that will probably sort itself as your sister does. but provide an off-ramp for this person now as opposed to letting her get 50 miles down the road on the freeway because it's going to be much more difficult. Next question. I've heard multiple SEALs say that one of the best things they took away from the teams was the ability to learn. Could you please expand on that? Was it a specific methodology or framework you used when learning something new? Okay, I have said this myself, and I think I've talked about it a little bit, but I don't know if I've broken it down in depth.

So here we go. it was not a specific methodology at least when i was in i never participated in a class where instructors sat me down and they said this is how you learn and they gave me a manual about learning instead it was the approach that the instructors took with me and then the approach that i also took when i was an instructor that kind of stuck with me and it was very it was very similar on almost every single topic and it and at the baseline level it was was the crawl, walk, run philosophy. Another way to think about that is you focus on the fundamentals first before you layer in any complexity, anything that's advanced, any attempt at adding speed

to anything. The life of a seal is largely on the enlisted side at a so-com level team going to be a 24-month cycle. You train for 18 months at a time and deploy for 6 to 10 to 12 months, depending on what's going on in the world. Those training blocks, that 18 months is broken up into one-week blocks, two-week blocks, four-week blocks of you'll go from two weeks of skydiving to a week of vehicle mobility, then two weeks of cold weather training, and then four weeks out in the desert, where you're shooting and doing land navigation, and then you're going to integrate with a helicopter squadron and do repelling and fast-roping, and then you're just going to go and do closed-circuit scuba diving

for two weeks in the San Diego Bay, assuming you're going to integrate with a helicopter squadron and do repelling, assuming you're on the West Coast. The point being, you go from topic to topic to topic to topic. And there are people in that 18-month cycle that are on their eighth cycle, and there are people who are on their first. When I say that, because there is a huge difference in experience level in those individuals. And you have to train to the lowest common denominator because it is true. A team is only as strong as its weakest link. And experience can often be that weak link. So in every single one of those blocks of training throughout your career, you are going to start with your fundamental skills. When we're out in the desert and you're doing patrolling tactics with large groups of people, maybe you have a troop out there, you've got 20-some people, or maybe even, you know, an entire task unit is out there maneuvering.

And you will get into a contact drill and you'll break up into smaller maneuver elements. You'll fire and maneuver. You will cover and move. You'll seize high ground. You'll flank your enemy. that's what you're doing at the end of the training block. At the beginning of the training block, you and a shooting buddy are getting down on the ground and practicing one person shooting while the other person waits for a lull and then they pick up the shooting. And you have this symphony of going back and forth.

And then you layer in some automatic weapons. And then we go back to two people and one person shoots and the next person moves. And then we go to four and six and eight. Always back to the basic fundamentals. It's the fundamentals that are going to keep you alive in environments that count and in environments that are complex. And that was just hammered over to me, over and over and over again after a 17-year career. Now, it's easy to say focus on the fundamentals. What I have seen, the biggest impediment that comes to people's learning is what they see in the mirror themselves.

If you truly want to be good at learning something, you need to put your own body. aside while you're receiving a block of instruction. I'm not saying you can't have your own thought process or own beliefs when it comes to a training environment. What I'm saying is when you have an instructor in front of you that is teaching a subject that they are likely a master of, shut the fuck up and do what they tell you to do. Don't raise your hand and say, hey, I saw this on YouTube or what about this or what about that. There is a time for all of that. But if you really want to learn and refine your skill set on pretty much anything that you want to do, when you're receiving instruction, shut your mouth, listen and watch, and do exactly what the instructor

tells you to do. Because guess what? The block of instruction is going to end. And if you disagree, for whatever reason, like at a moral level with what's being taught to you, then you can go back to doing it the way that you want to do it. But what I will tell you is this. The metric for what is better or worse should be based on performance, not your personal feelings. But that's the biggest thing. Get out of your own way. When I go to a shooting course, most of the shooting courses, actually all of the shooting courses that I went to in the military were not taught to me by people who were in the military. They were not taught to me by people who were going to get on the helicopters with us or going to go assault targets. A lot of them were three gun champions or people

who made their living ringing still with a pistol and rifle. And they could get out of the holster on target faster than any team guy that I ever worked with. Were they a tactical genius? No, they were not. Did I listen to everything that they had to say? Do I still index and draw my pistol from my holster the exact same way today? Yes, I do. Because they taught me the most efficient way to go from my hands off of my pistol to on my pistol shooting on target as quickly and effectively as possible. I don't go onto YouTube and search for other training methodologies, but if I do go to another training course, let's say 10 years into my career, they brought in a new three-gun champion, and he was teaching me a different way to index and draw from my holster.

Guess what I'm doing during that entire block of instruction, exactly what that individual tells me to do. Now, at the end of that, it's going to be very clunky when you first start because you might have to break an ingrained habit. But at the end of that, oftentimes what I would find is there would be a little bit of an integration, a small piece that I could add to the way that I was already doing things, assuming that the way that I was just taught wasn't superior to the way that I used to be doing it. And how do I base that on performance? There's something to be learned from almost everybody, as long as you're willing to listen and hear and absorb that information. So that is the best explanation I can give you on how, and probably, why people who come from that background, where it's a constantly new shifting evolution that

requires knowledge and experience, that's why they are better at picking things up, because you can really compartmentalize and only focus on the task at hand, and then you apply it to the objective. Then you switch to a new topic, but you take the same philosophy. Completely focus on the new task at hand, apply it to the end topic or activity that there is requesting of you over and over and over again. 99 times out of 100, if not 100 times. out of 100. The key to success is mastery of the fundamentals. So start there and just get out of your own way. When people are masters and they're talking to you about what they have mastered, start taking notes and don't bombard them with, hey, this is what I think, this is how I do it.

This is how that person does. Just shut the fuck up and learn. Next question. The subject line of this was young, dumb, and marriage. Of course I'm going to answer this question. Longtime listener, first time caller. One particular thing I find fascinating is that even though you have been through a divorce, you still support marriage. I'm 25 years old, very young man, been in a relationship for seven years and six months. Our six anniversary on our six anniversary I proposed. She said yes, it was a magical and wonderful moment. Anyways, fast forward a year. COVID happened. She lived with her parents over lockdown. I lived with mine while we were planning a wedding. A very messy single day happens at the end of September 2020 and the wedding is postponed. I made mistakes and so did she.

We are human. I get it. However, the one thing I have lost over this experience is the value of marriage. I used to dream of it and yearn for it and now I just don't see any value in it anymore. It just seems like an incredibly long-term arrangement that requires permanent sacrifice in work compared to the peaceful simplicity of being alone if that makes sense. could be the lack of life experience that's talking. That's you who wrote that in parentheses, not me saying that to you. So from your perspective, why do you support marriage and how do you feel that way after a rough divorce? I think I am asking, how do you see value in it even after going through a worse time than I did?

Well, how do I answer this? Let me just start by saying, look at your previous relationship, seven years and six months. months. You describe marriage as something you thought is an incredibly long-term arrangement that requires permanent sacrifice and work. Yeah, welcome to any relationship that's going to be long-term, married or not. I know plenty of people who have been together, shit, over a decade, and they're not married, even though they probably cross the threshold of common law marriage in the states that they're living. Guess what? That's an incredibly long-term arrangement that requires permanent sacrifice and work. That, just FYI, you know, maybe the long-term arrangement that's going to depend on

the duration of your relationship, but any relationship, in my opinion, at least, that you're going to be involved in, that you want to be enriching and amazing, it's going to require permanent sacrifice and work. So don't think that there is an escape to that. The peaceful simplicity of being alone. I suspect you might be enjoying that because of what you just went through. The thought of what you went through and perhaps going through that again, juxtapose to the fact right now and I'm making an assumption here that you are single, so you are peacefully, you know, peaceful and simplicity of being by yourself. That sounds much more appealing. Totally get that.

Some people, I think, do better when they're by themselves, but I don't think human beings as a species do well when we are by ourselves. when we are by ourselves for a long period of time. I actually think that there are a lot of negative consequences from sheltering yourself, from pushing other people away and trying to work your way through life on your own. I just don't think that's how we are designed to be as human beings. I do understand how it could be more appealing than going through the shit show of whatever it is that you just went through. Now, all of that I just said, it didn't actually address your question. How do I support marriage even after going through rough divorce?

One of the main things that I was worried about when I made the decision to leave. I was the one who initiated the process and left the house. One of the big stumbling blocks for me mentally is that I was worried that I was going to taint my children's perspective of marriage. Because I do believe in marriage, but what is of cruxious. critical importance when it comes to marriage is marrying the right person. I do not believe in marriage if you are stuck in hell. If you are creating an unhealthy environment for your kids and if you are setting an unhealthy example for your kids if you happen to have them. In that case, you know, I don't believe in marriage because what exactly are you doing? You're staying together because it's a legally

binding, you know, document and it would be difficult to rip the bandit off that. And, and work your way out of it. Yeah, it sucks. That's my experience with divorce. Let me tell everybody that right now. It was fucking brutal. It was one of the worst 20 months of my life. It was devastating from an emotional perspective. There was physical, you know, degradation that came from that just due to the fact I didn't feel motivated to do shit a lot of the times. Financially destructive, it sucks. It's brutal. And I still believe in it. But I don't think that you need to do that if you don't because you can still have a long-term arrangement and commit with somebody as long as you are committed to that permanent sacrifice and work and having

that healthy relationship. If you want to skip the legal process that's involved with that, but you want to be with that individual and treat it as if you are married, I have no judgment of that whatsoever. I think the reason that I believe in marriage is that I want my partner to be taken care of in case something happens to me. And yes, I know that you can set that up with paperwork and you could do a will and a trust and, you know, and do documents and all sorts of stuff to execute exactly the same thing. But if you're going to do that for somebody, why not take the step to make it even easier in the case of being taken care of in case something happens to you. And I think that's actually, you know, hearing myself say that's a

clunky way to describe it. It's not encapsulating exactly how I feel about it. But I do, you know, I do have faith in marriage. Maybe I don't have a great explanation as to why after going through what I went through. But nowhere in that process did I tell myself, you know, I'm never getting married again. Actually, well, if I'm being fully o'clock, and honest, I wasn't actually thinking about it. So maybe if I had been obsessing over what was going on and the thought of doing that again in the future, I would have had a different headspace on that, but I wasn't actually really thinking about that most of the time. I think marriage is a beautiful thing. It's never going to be easy. It's never going to be perfect. It's never going to be absent sacrifice and work.

But maybe it's not, maybe that legal binding isn't what some people are looking for. And I fully support that. But for myself personally, I think it is the best way to make that commitment to that other person at a very, I don't want to say vocal, but in the open, in public for everybody to see and also the best way to protect them from anything that may happen that is unexpected. And I just haven't been through anything yet that has shaken my belief or foundation in that, as long as, right, the asterisk that has to be. associated with this as long as we're talking about a relationship with the right person. So hopefully you can find that person. And I suspect if you do, it may change your mind. Two more questions. My question revolves around the challenges of separating from the military and establishing a new beginning on the outside. I served for six years in the United States Air Force and chose to separate after one enlistment. Since getting out, I've often found myself feeling frustrated at the

general lack of discipline and accountability displayed by my coworkers and the general public. While I do enjoy the freedom that civilian life provides, I often miss the structure. I experienced while in active duty. Do you have any advice on how veterans can better adjust to the civilian world while still maintaining the code of ethics that was so deeply instilled in us? I believe your podcasts and others like it are helping to bridge the gap of understanding between veterans and the public, and I look forward to hearing your insight. well there's not a lot of difference between veterans and the public right we're talking about

human beings what we're actually talking about is a difference in experience and probably some context right you go to the boot camp and what do they start hammering into you discipline integrity the things that you're talking about that you have found to be lacking on the outside my personal belief on being a veteran is that I am not unique nor do I think any other veterans are unique. Their experiences can often be unique, but I hate to tell you, in my personal opinion, you know, veterans certainly don't wear a halo and they don't have a set of unicorn wings coming out of their back. They're just people who chose a different path. I have also experienced a difference in the environment where I used to work and the environment that I live in now. I don't know if it would

be possible to replicate the high level and capacity of individuals, all working together, at one place with a common purpose and goal in the civilian sector. And that's okay. Most military members, I would like to say all, but it's not true, but most are going to have a better understanding of the value of discipline and integrity and hard work and completion of tasks because that's the equity of military service. That is the thing that is the utmost important while you are in uniform, accomplishing your task, that integrity, that discipline that comes with that. Outside of the military, you know, good luck finding that. Like I said, I have struggled. But what it provides for you is the opportunity to set that example for other people. So perhaps instead of

looking for it, other places, you could instead create it for other people. Because I have found it is like turning on a bicklider and then the moths will come. People want discipline. They want a better understanding of integrity. They want an example of those things. And if you provide it for them, they will come to you. Having said that, don't be a fucking drill instructor outside in, you know, in the civilian world, all right? Lead with your example, not the constantly wearing multi-cam with your car wrapped in Mullen Lobby, with Punisher Skoles on everything you have to include your fucking wallet key chain, you know, your head. You know, your your hat, your coffee mug, like take it easy with that. You know, you can have a couple

flare pieces if you want to, but maybe don't. Like definitely don't, but maybe. And just set that example. And again, the best thing that you can do is not what comes out of your mouth. It's just how you conduct yourself. If you see people struggling, step in and mentor them. If you see people who don't know what to do, step in and mentor them and provide for them that foundation that was provided to you and me and many other people that wore a military uniform for a living. And the last thing I will say is don't judge the people that you meet by their lack of ethos or their lack of the ethos that you came to know and love in the military. Like I said, military members are not unique.

Their experiences are unique. And that hammering home of that ethos is very unique. If you are expecting everybody to have that around you, you are going to be wholly unsatisfied for the vast majority of your life. Don't judge people by that because they didn't get exposure to it. Some of the most amazing people that I have ever met are people who have never worn a uniform for a single day. They don't have the same ethos that I came from in the SEAL teams. They have aspects of it and an essence of it, but it is very, very different. And I appreciate them for that.

So don't push people out of your life because they don't share that ethos. Perhaps, like I said, you could step in and you could teach them that ethos, and you might be surprised with how readily and rapidly they adopted. Last question about leadership. My question for you is about leadership and leading a team that makes mistakes, which, FYI, all of them are going to. I work in consulting within the financial industry and lead a team of 50 plus people. Our job is to essentially check numbers that are given to investors relating to new bond issuances. In the past few years, I have noticed the lack of quality or quality. diligence on my team when they are performing their job. Simply put, our job is to make sure

numbers are right. And in the past two to three years, there has been just a lack of responsibility from my team on making sure they are performing at a high level. I often find myself going from nice understanding manager to the hard, no bullshit, why was this done wrong manager? What advice do you have for leading a team of individuals that often make mistakes and trying to instill a level of quality in their work? All right. Let's try to keep this one clear and concise. First, and foremost, you are failing your team by alternating back and forth, like Jekyll and Hyde, between the nice understanding manager and the hard, no bullshit, why was this done wrong manager? You need to be consistent in your approach with your people. It is unsettling to be one way

in one moment and then flip to another in another because what you're describing in this nice understanding manager, like, oh, I understand mistakes are made, and then you're going to come over the top, the hard no bullshit one with snakes were made. How do they know which one of those is going to happen? What you need to do is you need to present to them the standard that is going to be held and then hold them accountable to that standard. You need to empower your people, right? You are as a leader accountable to your people. Are they accountable to you? Yes, of course they are.

But you are also accountable to them. Do they understand the roles and responsibilities of their job? Do they know where they are falling short? Are they empowered to come to you if they need additional guidance or information? You need to sit your people down and ask them, what is your job? What is the standard that you are going to be held to? And if they can't give you those answers, then you have failed as a leader. Once you set that standard, if you allow people to deviate from that standard and on one day you're understanding and the next day you're over the top, like I said, you're failing.

What you allow in your presence is your standard. So for the past two or three years, if you have allowed a lack of responsibility, that is on you, not on your team. Leadership is a top-down issue, not a bottom-up issue. You need to step in right now, and you need to solve this shit, okay? Because two to three years is going to turn to five to six years if you don't do anything about it, and what you want to do is talk to me about your people. And I'm not trying to be an asshole to you, but I'm trying to give you a little bit of a gut punch of an understanding of what your role actually is as the leader.

Okay. If they fail one day and you tolerate it and they fail the next day and you don't, well, I'm going to tell you right now, your people, they don't know which way the is blowing. Set the standard, hold the standard, and then you can start holding your people accountable. Until that happens, you're going to be a shift adrift in the night because nobody knows what's expected of them. Hopefully that helps. That's all I have. Full out of Friday, 48, enjoy the weekend. See everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Thanks for taking the time to tune in, whether you're listening on an audio-only platform or you're watching on YouTube. I

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