Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Full Auto Friday - Round 64

Episode Date: July 30, 2021

Rapid-fire Q and A submitted from the listeners! A variety of topics with a five-minute time cap per answer, sometimes. 1. Mourning and remembrance, how much is too little, how much is too much 2. Did a woman just graduate from BUD/s 3. How do you let go and move on after a divorce 4. Should I stay in the small town where I am from and my entire family lives, or move on and grow as a person Enjoy

What's going on, everybody? It's almost time for Fall Out of Friday number 64. But before we get into it, let's briefly talk about the sponsors that make this possible. Today's episode, Full Out Friday, is brought to you by Audible. Now, what is Audible? They are simply the leading provider of spoken word entertainment all in one place. At Audible, you can find the largest selection of audiobooks, ranging from bestsellers to new releases, celebrity memoirs, languages, business, motivation, and more. Like original entertainment and top celebrity creators and thousands of popular and binge-worthy podcasts. As an Audible member, you'll get one credit every month, good for any title in the entire

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Visit Audible.com slash cleared hot or text cleared hot to 500-500. That is A-U-D-I-E-D-I-E-A-U-D-I-E-A-U-D-I-A-A-A-A-U-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A. B-L-E dot com slash cleared hot or text to 500-500. This episode is also brought to you by Gators Sunglasses. And I was trying to think exactly when I started wearing these. It was 0-3-04 at the latest. So I'm going on 16, 17 years of actually wearing these sunglasses, not the exact same model. We'll talk about that in a second. But that's how much I love these.

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business. Let's get into this. Full Out of Friday, 64, and then let's get into the weekend. Close now. Away we go, ladies and gentlemen, fall out of Friday, 64. I still struggle to believe a little bit. I've done 64 of these, and the questions keep coming, so I appreciate the interest. And also, you guys provided me the content without the questions. I guess I wouldn't have anything to answer it. Maybe me running my mouth. Somebody actually recommended I do a Wednesday story time with Andy episode. Here's the thing. I'm not against that. I would run out of stories, at week three, so I don't think that's going to be a long-term strategy for success.

But today, four questions. I think they're a variety of topics, and let's dig right into this. I'm actually, I believe I say this every time, going to try to be short and concise and get everybody into their weekend, and then I run my mouth, so I'll do my best. Question one. What is up? Long-time listener of the podcast, and I love the content. I'm an army vet of eight years, and while serving those eight years, I deployed twice to

Iraq. I battle with post-traumatic stress and TBI, so that is traumatic brain injury, myself, and in 2014 I lost a great friend to suicide, a man I deployed with and lived next door to while in the army. I have always worn a memorial bracelet in remembrance of him. Well, recently that bracelet broke and I replaced it with a brass one, thinking maybe this will last a little longer since this would be the third one I've gotten. Well, it turns my skin green, and while it sounds stupid, I've gotten tired of it and decided to hang it up on my mirror in the barbershop I work in. I hardly notice it at work, and really the one time I miss it is when I noticed my intense tan line on my wrist. Sometimes I feel like I need to get another

one, but sometimes I feel like maybe I need to let it rest. His death really impacted me a lot because of our friendship, and I battled myself with suicidal thoughts, but it's kind of been a reminder to me to keep pushing because I wouldn't want my buddies rocking my name on their wrist. wrist. Sometimes I worry I'll push his memory out of my head, like so many others, just to feel some peace. And I fight with my thoughts of this being wrong, that I need to keep his memory going so I can keep going. I understand that sounds silly, but that's why I'm asking for your honest opinion. While I honestly don't always agree with you, I can honestly say, I feel as if your optic in which you see your opinion is honest and genuine, no bullshit that makes you sound

cool. It's a long sentence and you use the word honestly many times. I'm going to do my best to give you an honest answer. Keep doing what you're doing. Hopefully I've done a good job that articulated what I'm trying to ask. I think you have. Got a little bit run on me at there at the end, but don't worry. I've done that many times. How to best remember, celebrate, memorialize those that we have lost along the way. I can answer this from my own experience or my own opinion on a military or from a military's perspective, but my opinion on this lands squarely in that I don't think that there is a wrong way to remember somebody. I think you could do all of the things that you mentioned in this email or none of the things that you mentioned in this email, and it would be okay. People process grief very differently. Some people want to wear daily reminders or feel like they need to wear daily reminders much maybe like you mentioned you can you know if you are yourself in a place where you are struggling with the idea of continuing on and you can look down at something that is very concrete and see the name of somebody who made a choice that you don't

want to make and and you don't want to burden other people with and that helps you who would I ever be to recommend not doing that but if it's a daily reminder or when you see it it takes you to a negative place and it's not providing you that motivation or that drive to continue. And maybe it's taking your thoughts or trending your thoughts and dragging you down. You know, maybe it's not a good idea to have it always in plain sight. So the memorial bracelets, for those of you interesting or listening or watching and maybe I should have opened with the description of this. I wish I could say that they're uncommon, but they're not.

A lot of service members in the course of serving, especially. especially in the, especially in the post-9-11 G-Watt era, you're probably going to know people who either were killed in action or decided to take their own life after their military service. And oftentimes they will create these memorial bracelets. Most of the time, they are black. With the engraving, it seems to have a, like either slightly elevated or a slightly etched in. The writing looks silver, I guess would be the easiest way to say that instead of describing whether it's up or down. I have a few. And I have never liked, I've never liked wearing them.

Because for me, much like I answered or described when I first started answering this question, when I have them on my wrist and I have had them on my wrist before, you know, sometimes I'll wear a long sleeve shirt or a jacket or it'll get caught on something. And for me, it doesn't provide the best reminder of the individual. I myself personally will often trend towards it reminding me of the loss and it can turn my headspace more negative than positive and it becomes less about remembering who they were and the great times that I had with them and more about continuously feeling that loss, which I never want to lose that, but what I realized was I'm never going to be able to, whether I'm wearing that bracelet or not. So I keep them in a very specific

spot. And there are times where I will go and I will look at them intentionally because I want to be purposeful in my remembrance and I want to be able to go and sit there and think my way through about the individual and the experiences and what they meant to me. And even when I'm not being intentional and purposeful like that, I still can't avoid thinking about all of those people almost every single day. So I totally get what you're saying. I would not feel bad at all. arriving at the place where, you know what, I don't want to wear this every single day, but you know, you put it on that mirror. And maybe that's a great place for it right now, because you can still see it every once in a while. And perhaps as time goes on,

maybe you'll decide to put it back on your wrist. Or maybe you'll decide to take it and put it somewhere else where you see it even more infrequently. And like I said at the beginning, I don't think any of those things are wrong. There is no checklist for grief. There is no checklist for mourning. The only advice that I will try to give people after my own experience of not being good at grief or mourning at all and a pretty repetitive nature of when memories came up, it always taking me to a negative place instead of trying to not force it, but it allow it to go into a positive place, is do what you feel is right for you. You don't need to listen to anybody else. You're not degrading or demeaning the memory of anybody by deciding to not wear their

name on your wrist every single day. And obviously what I'm about to say is an assumption, but I say it based off of what I would want for my friends if I were the one who had passed away. I would want for them to move on and live their most fulfilled life possible. And I would hope that the memory of me or what had happened to me or what we had done together would be motivation. for them to do so and not a stumbling block that they have to work their way over or around. I don't think that anybody, especially those that I served with, would want to be an anchor on anyone's life. They would want you, the best thing that you could do is to honor who they are by driving forward in your life. And that can take whatever expression that is best for you

in, and whatever place that you are in. So don't worry about if it navigates back. and forth, try to take a little bit of the guilt off of your shoulders that I feel like you are expressing in your email. And just live your best life, man. Do the best that you can. I wouldn't recommend throwing those things out. I'd say, you know what, if you're ready to move on a little bit more, maybe put them in a place where you can go and have some purposeful time each year where you really can think back and reminisce and then just light that fire of motivation underneath you to take their memory and do amazing things with it. So hopefully that helps. Second question is one that I've been getting blown up about, and it is has to do with something

apparently that was in the news talking about a female sailor completing SWIC training. But the email reads, Andy, I'd be grateful if you could clarify the news of a female sailor completing the seal training. The reader reports are, I believe, purposely vague. But my understanding is that she did not go through buds. Would you be able to clarify? So yes, I will clarify. And I had to find the article. Took me a little bit to find it. But apparently. there was a female sailor who has made it through the SWIC training pipeline. And because I didn't want to speak about their exact name, that is Special Warfare combatant craft crewmen. And this is straight off Wikipedia. They are United States Naval Special Warfare Command Team that operates and

maintains an inventory of small craft used to conduct special operations missions, particularly those in support of the U.S. Navy SEALs. Now, obviously I worked with SWIC, person. quite a bit when I was in the military, but to be totally honest, I didn't know their exact charter, so I'm glad that I could find that. But it is my understanding that a female sailor made it through the SWIC program. And I wish I could speak with some level of specificity or clarity when it comes to that training pipeline, but I cannot. So I would say perhaps go to the internet, the Google of things, if you will, and you can research what that training entails. SWIC training is very different from Bud's training, and that is because they are two very different jobs.

And I'm not putting a measurement of difficulty or complexity or any of those things on that. They are very different jobs. And although the woman did not make it through Bud's training, because she was not attempting Bud's training, Bud's training, which stands for basic underwater demolition slash seal, the initial pipeline and entry point of everybody who's going to ever wear a trident in their future, It is open to female sailors now. I believe a female has attempted the pre-training program that is available to, I might be misspeaking, I think specifically only academy officers who are looking at going into buds after they graduate. There might be an OCS component of that as well. I believe it's only the academy.

It's a very compressed course. I want to say one week, if not two maximum. them, but it is also my understanding that she did not complete that pre-training program. That would, of course, be a prerequisite for somebody coming or applying to get into Buds to go to the program itself. So there has not yet been a female who has made it through BUDs. I don't know of a female who has even shown up for the first day of training at Buds, but I am dated and not necessarily in touch with what's going on at Buds.

So I reserve the right to be incorrect about that. But to the best of my knowledge, it has not been attempted. And when I get a bunch of emails like this, I will try to go back and I look at the articles. And what I find almost every single time is somebody who is writing an article that has absolutely no malicious intent whatsoever. And also no understanding whatsoever of the subject matter that they are writing about. And that is where this confusion often comes from. So she made it through SWIC training. I have no idea what happens in their pipeline after that if there's additional training or she goes right into an operational unit.

Congratulations to her. And I wish I knew more about it, but I don't. So there you go. Hopefully there is that clarification. Question number three. I'm currently going through separation to a woman of almost 10 years. I think you mean you were in a relationship for almost 10 years currently going through separation. A lot of it was due to my poor discipline and being a shitbag in my younger years.

The consequences of my actions have caught up to me. This last year I had been going through a rough patch. drinking too much, which would then lead to poor decisions. I've cleaned up my act, two months sober, and I was hoping we could work through things. I was told the other day by her that I need to move on. The thing is, I don't want to move on. I want her in my life. We have three beautiful kids, and now I'm just lost. I know you've been through a divorce, so I'm just wondering what you did to move forward. How did you let go and move on? I feel utterly defeated right now. I feel utterly defeated right now. I'm a loyal listener of your podcast and greatly appreciate what you're doing.

Your podcast has helped me through a lot of shit. Cheers. Okay, well, this situation sucks. And I'm going to say what I always say when it comes to things like this. I'm not an expert. I can talk about my own experience. And for me, moving on and letting go, I feel like those are two very different things. once the decision was made and I for clarity was the one who made the decision to end my marriage and I moved out of the house that was my decision to move on letting go is something that I am still struggling to do and I don't mean that in the sense that I am trying to let go of an attachment that I feel to my ex-wife I am struggling to let go of the things that I was the most angry about, the things that I was the most hurt about, and the things that had the largest negative impact

on me as a person. And I have no doubt that my ex-wife is trying to do exactly the same thing. I claim absolutely no innocence in the demise of my marriage. I believe that a relationship is two parties with an equal sign in between like a mathematical equation. And they both have to work at it. And there is absolutely no way that I could say that all fault falls on my ex-wife side of the house. That it would be utterly ridiculous. And people who make that statement to me are utterly ridiculous. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I'm probably defined more by my failures in life than the few successes that I have had. So the decision to move on for me was an extremely, extremely difficult decision. I don't even know how to describe the,

the mental gymnastics that I went through to be able to get to that place where I knew it was the right decision to make. Letting go has been exponentially more difficult for me. When I have had success at letting go, I have stopped focusing on the things that happened in the past, and I have stopped focusing on the individual that was involved in those things that happened in the past and completely and utterly focused on who I want to be in the future. because that's the only thing that I can control. And maybe people are tired of hearing me say that because I say it often. You know, you need to focus on the things that you can control.

And the reality is for all of us, for every human being who's actually walking around on planet Earth, the only thing you actually have control over is yourself. And again, I'm not perfect doing that either. Trust me, I have plenty of time lost in the black hole of looking in the rear view mirror and being upset or letting it drive me into a negative mental state. and it didn't do anything positive for me. The steps that I've been able to make forward and move forward and be able to let go a little bit in the past

is by focusing on myself and becoming the best version of who I want to be. And I also feel like that's the best way that I can be the best parent for my children. You have three beautiful kids. That's amazing. You need to be there for them regardless of what happens to you and your partner. Regardless of what she says, regardless of what she does in the future. You can't change what you've done in the past.

You can't say what you or change what you said in the past. You can't change the example that you have potentially provided for them in the past, whether it be positive and negative, but you have complete and utter control of doing so in the future. My best and biggest piece of advice that I can give you is focus completely on yourself. Now, you mentioned an email that you're two months sober. And that's awesome. And I hope that that continues for you.

two months of trending in the right direction is not like a whiteboard full of, you know, writing or, you know, maybe it's tally marks and you bring an eraser. You're not going to be able to undo everything that perhaps your alcohol use or slash abuse and the decisions that came from that created over that 10 years that you were together. Resentment is a bitch and it builds and it builds exponentially. and I would say in a non-linear fashion. A little bit of resentment builds onto a little bit of resentment and then it's like a fucking Elon Musk rocket going to Mars.

And it becomes quite a bit over time. So if you have 10 years where those little pieces were adding up, that's not awesome. The two months that you've been working on yourself and making that improvement, that is awesome. But don't expect, like I said, that magic eraser to come and erase all of that. If you have the other side of this equation telling you that you need to move on, I would say maybe shelf for yourself, I wouldn't argue with this person. I would say shelf being external about your desire to be with this person.

I'm not saying shove them away. But take that motivation and that desire to be back with them and light a fire under your ass to be the best version of yourself possible. You're never going to force somebody to want to be with you. but if you could be the best version of yourself and present to this individual, a changed behavior, a change mental state, a changed example that you are setting in your actions, the impact that it has on the kids that you share, because you share kids and you're going to be a part of this person's life, probably for the rest of your kids' lives, right, because she is their mother, you are their father. So it's not like you guys are never going to see each other talk to each other or have interactions. right if you if you tell or look at somebody and like hey we are absolutely going to be getting back together they're probably going to take a step in the wrong direction the direction that you don't want but if you present the best version of yourself they might on their own take a step towards you but that's going to take time so i understand how you feel trust me i was at the

lowest points of my life in the middle of my divorce my feelings of self-worth my feeling that i was at a place where nobody would ever want to be with me again and why Why would they because I was just a piece of shit for who I was as a person? Like, I get it. I know where you are. You need some more time and you need some more time to spend on yourself. That's where you should focus your energy. You'll be better for it.

Your kids will be better for it. And if you really want this person to pay attention, that's the best thing you can do. And they'll probably start taking steps towards you as opposed to you chasing them around like a crazy person. Last question. I have a bit of a shitty situation that I've been struggling with lately. I'm 26-year-old, married with three small kids. Everybody's got three kids. It seems to be the jam.

I also have three kids. And I have a solid career in law enforcement. I've been doing it for six years and on the SWAT team for over three. I could potentially get promoted to Sergeant in our next process opening soon, but I keep having this feeling that where I live now is not where I am supposed to be, and local law enforcement is not where I want to start into my career. I feel as though I've plateaued and I'm not getting any better. Both my wife and I want to leave and don't want to raise our kids here, but this is where all of our extended family is.

My relationship with my parents is rocky, and they don't support me the way that they should. They think cops are bad, and they think less of me for my career decisions and the way I've changed over the years. My grandparents are here and in their late 70s with declining health. I don't trust my parents to take care of them when something happens. My wife's family is very supportive and help a lot with our kids. The only thing keeping my wife and I here is the guilt I know we would be, feel, leaving all of our family behind. My best friend in Texas, my best friend is in Texas, and he was my former partner at the agency I work for. He's more like family than anyone here who holds that title.

My question is, what should I do? I want to grow as a person and not raise my kids in the same small town I grew up in. And I don't want to retire from a small agency and always feel like I'd never achieved or reached my full potential. How can I deal with and accept the guilt of taking my wife and kids away from the rest of your family? Tough question. And to be honest with you, I want to start this by, I wish you were here to talk with because I would say, why do your parents believe that cops are bad? And why do they think less of you for your career decisions? Did they always feel that way?

Did they feel that way when you first started expressing a desire to go into law enforcement? Or is this something that has changed over time? perhaps or potentially with the public narrative that seems to be trending in the negative direction when it comes to law enforcement. It's odd, right? You would think that at least your parents would know who you are and they could separate occupation from individual and that they wouldn't think less of you because you're their son and they know you. But I guess sometimes people are weird and the dissidents can be a very real thing. To me, it sounds like you've already answered the questions that you asked or you know what it is that you need to do. You don't want to

retire from a small agency and you don't want to feel like you haven't reached your potential. And the only thing holding you back is, you know, how you feel about the guilt that it sounds like your parents would put on you for leaving. And to me, that should not be a reason to stay. I think the expression, the full expression of being a parent is empowering your kids to spread their wings and allowing them to leave the nest. That's how you're going to grow. That's how they're going to enhance their optic on the world around them. That's how they're going to make mistakes and fall down and pick themselves up and grow. And then, you know, you could always come back a little bit later and you can bring all of those experiences with you and still continue to

grow. Very difficult to do, though, if you never leave. I hate getting emails or hearing from people, you know, I'm getting this guilt trip because I want to get out on my own. And the reality is, the people giving you the guilt trip are fucked up. Like, I get it, but it's super selfish and get past yourself, right? For me, there's nothing I would like more than my kids to live with me forever because they're awesome and I love them. But that's my desire, not theirs. I mean, what if my parents had said that to me?

Oh, you can't join the military. You have to stay with us. Oh, we don't want you to go to the military because you're not going to be around to help out. I mean, I would have not had the career that I had or the opportunities that I had and the experiences that I have now. So I'm not a fan of that. You've identified already what it is that you don't want and what you would need to do to achieve those things. So what I would do is sit down with your wife and talk with these things very openly and honestly and come to the conclusion and decision together.

And depending on how old your kids are, you're 26, so I'm going to guess they're probably pretty young. Maybe it's a little bit too young to involve them in the conversation. If they were older, I would talk to them about it as well. if you end up moving away and the grandparents they don't come visit and they make excuses to come see their their grandkids then guess what they're only relying on the title of family to actually be your family because what would an actual family do they'd get their ass on an airplane or a car and they'd come down and wherever you are they would come to support you so you could grow as a family. So I feel like you've already made the decision for yourself. I think you just need

to come to the conclusion if you do that it's the best decision for your family. And I would spend a little bit of time identifying the anchors or things that are holding you back, which you already identified in this email as well. And then, you know, weigh the two and decide what you want. You want for that next generation. Would it be better for them to grow up where you did? Or would it be better for them to grow up and spread their wings and enhance that optic and experience of the world around them? I know which one I would choose, but this choice is up to you. And that is it for this week's Full Outer Friday. See you guys. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Thanks for taking the time to tune in, whether you're listening on an audio-only platform or you're watching

on YouTube. I appreciate that you take the time every week to tune in. in. People ask me a lot, what can they do to help me spread the word? And the answer is actually embedded in the question. The biggest thing you guys can do to help me if you enjoy the podcast and you think it would be helpful to others is subscribe and share it with other people. And if you have the time, go on to Apple Podcasts and leave me a rating and a review. If you think the podcast sucks, tell me it sucks and leave a zero star review or the lowest stars possible. If you have a Question, comment or suggestion. You can go to clearedhotpodcast.com.

And there is a contact me button right there, which will land in my inbox. And the last thing, if people are interested in helping out, what you can do is fly the old flag. And by that I don't mean an actual flag because I don't have any of those. I'm talking about t-shirts or sweatshirts or hats, whatever it may be. Again, clearedhotpodcast.com, click on the shop tab. And hopefully something in there looks like. it would be an item you would like to wear around town. And then you can tell people what it is when they ask you.

But that is it. The biggest thing I can say is, thank you. I truly appreciate it. Until next time. See you.