Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Full Auto Friday - Round 75

Episode Date: October 15, 2021

Rapid Fire Q and A to finish off the week: 1. How to keep your cool in high-stress environments 2. I listened to you talk about going through a divorce and thought "it could never happen to me," and now here I am divorcing the love of my life. Do you have any advice 3. Fitness/workouts routines/strategies Enjoy

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Well, here we are. Full Auto Friday, number 75. Three quarters of a century. It doesn't feel like I've been doing this for 75 weeks. And I think that's probably because I enjoy doing it. So I have a plan to continue. Let's get into this so we can get into our weekend. Dear PhD Stumpf. Long story, but I have been complimented by many people on my ability to maintain my composure

during high stress events. and I have never had an issue of resorting to violence. However, that changes when you involve someone I love. A very close friend of mine is just out of an abusive relationship. She notified me after the open palm slap across the face. As if this didn't get my blood boiling enough, she later notified me that this is not the first time he has done something like this. They were together for only two months.

cops got involved and they had no contact until the lease on the apartment was up. Fast forward a couple of weeks and this 510 sack of bitch shows up unannounced to get the rest of his things from the apartment as I'm helping her move out of the apartment herself. Next thing I know I'm following this piece of fuck up the stairs like I'm Michael Myers because I'm about to commit a felonious assault on this piece of shit cock jockey. First of, I'm going to stop right here. I really am enjoying your descriptive terms and I hope that everybody else. else's as well and that there are no children currently in your vehicles. My only saving grace was my dear friend who caught me as I busted into the apartment after him and stood in front of me and told me no and to stay outside. She's the only reason I wasn't put in handcuffs that night.

As someone who's familiar with targeted violence and someone who occasionally mentions how they would like to install a moonroof, in parentheses my personal favorite, into a bad person's head. I'm wondering how you keep your cool during high stress moments and keep from losing control. Love the podcast. Sorry for the life story. Hope this ends up on full auto Friday. Well, there you go. I've already done my job because it ended up on full auto Friday. Let's talk about this here a little bit. Somebody who's been or is familiar with targeted violence. I guess I am to a degree, but it was also in a very specific set of parameters. It wasn't targeted violence in a bar. It's not targeted violence on a street. I guess it could be on a street from time to time,

depending on the setting, but targeted violence in the sense that we were trying to find, fix, and finish individuals that are a threat to just about everybody on the face of the planet. I have experience in that. I don't have a lot of experience in dealing with what you talked about. And I feel like you answered your question just a little bit, even in the description. first and foremost, that relationship sounds horrendous. Two months and it's already getting physical. I suspect it would have escalated much beyond that if that was already happening in a two-month time period.

And this individual sounds like an absolute piece of shit. You nailed it, though, when you said you were about to commit a felonious assault on this person. As much as you want to, and as much as I would support somebody like this, getting their ass absolutely handed to them, you have to understand the consequences of your actions. And, you know, when it came to the targeted violence that I am familiar with or that I was in my past, because full disclosure and for clarity, I avoid violence with every possible option other than the violence itself until I am pushed to that point. It's not necessarily something that I enjoy.

It's not necessarily something that I seek out. And when I say that, yeah, I go train Jiu-Jitsu every day, but that's what it is. It's training. It's training for currency. It's training for capacity. And what I have found is that the people who do that the most are the ones who are the least likely to actually express it somewhere else because they understand the consequences. For one, violence hurts.

You can win a fight and absolutely still get fucked up. And two, there are often very severe consequences from a legal perspective. And like I said, you mentioned it, a felonious assault. I guarantee you what would have happened if you had pursued this person in there and beat the shit out of them for something that he had done previously, and I'm not saying he doesn't deserve to have the shit beat out of him, is that you would have had the cops called on you. You would have been thrown in cuffs and you would have been fighting your way through and hopefully out of that legal system. Could they press charges on you and could they be a felony at a felony level? They absolutely could. And what that's going to do, that capital F on your record, is it going to change your. life. People who have felonies on their records, I don't have one, so I'm not speaking from personal experience, but from my understanding, you know, how about just getting a job, you know, and that comes up on a background check, that's probably going to disqualify you from more things than you would be comfortable being disqualified from. So the reason that I avoid violence

until I am absolutely pressed into that place is that I have an understanding of the consequences, not a better understanding of the consequences than maybe anybody else, but that's how I keep my cool in situations like that, right? I'm not Superman. I don't wear a fucking cape around and stop crime or solve crimes. And neither do you, and neither does actually Superman, right? Because we can all agree that it's completely made up. There are people who are tasked with doing that, and that is the police. And again, I'm not saying there isn't a time and place for for you to step in. But if you can frame these things from the perspective of the potential consequences and the impact it may have on your life and how you may feel better in that moment by beating

the shit out of this person and you will not feel better in the moments after when you're dealing with the consequences and the legal system, it really, at least for me, helps me frame these things. What I would have recommended in this situation is if this individual showed up, grab the woman and leave until this person is no longer there. Obviously, it's not a situation where they should be together just based off the previous physical interaction. And you have truly nothing to gain by doing anything to this person. They're not going to change their behavior even if you do. The best thing that you can do is watch out for your friend. Remove them from that environment and come back when that person isn't there. There's going to be no

consequences to that action. You don't have to worry about losing your cool in that high stress moment. You don't have to worry about any threat to your friend or any additional issues coming from potential interaction between those two. It's just, it's the path of least resistance, and it removes a lot of the variables. That's what I would recommend. And I hope that that answer your question. Again, it's, I frame it from what are the potential consequences and work my way backwards from there. And it sucks that people are out there like this. The reality is, though, what happened with the cops getting involved, that's the best thing that could happen. Because if that behavior repeats itself in an environment where you're not there and then this

woman that you were there with, at least there is a permanent record of that and the consequences of that can grow. So I think you did the right thing. I don't fault you at all for wanting to do something about that individual for myself personally. I think the people that I struggle with the most of not going down this path are those that bully others. I hate seeing bullying, especially from a physical perspective, somebody who is stronger that is just intimidating and picking on those who are incapable of defending themselves. It absolutely greats me and I want to do exactly these same things. But there'll be a point in time in your life where he may have too much to lose in this particular situation because this one is 100% avoidable.

You know, if you approach or in a situation where it is unavoidable, I recommend you get out of it, what it do via whatever means that you need to, but just keep those consequences in mind in the back of your mind. So hopefully that helps answer that question, avoid, if at all possible. Question two. Andy, I am not sure where to begin. The obvious place is now. separated from the love of my life and I'm at a point of brokenness that I feel I may never recover from. I remember you saying that divorce is the worst thing you've experienced. At the time, I could not comprehend because it did not seem a possibility for me, but here I am. I've been through a lot of pain in my life, like many, but this is another realm. I'm in the gray space between not

wanting to live and not wanting to die. I'm just fucking here. My tank is empty. I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice or just putting feelings out there into the universe. But we met many years ago and you were kind to me and I am grateful for that. Man, well, first off, I'm going to work this one probably backwards. I'm glad that we met and you had a good interaction with me. I am as flawed as any other human being. And I'm sure that people have caught me on my less than stellar days. And if you're one of those individuals, I apologize. I do the best that I can. And, you know, I'm a human being just like everybody else. And sometimes human beings get sloppy. I know exactly where you are. And I know exactly how you feel. And I'm going to say to you what others had said to me.

And I'm going to tell you right now, it's not going to provide you any sense of relief, but it is true. If you give it time, things are going to get better. The gray space between not wanting to live and not wanting to die. I have never been suicidal in my life, but what I will say is that in the nearly two-year process of the divorce that I went through, I developed a better understanding of how people could think about suicide as a viable option. I had the lowest days of my life that I've ever had, and they seem to be followed by even lower days. I did not think it would be possible on some of those days for it to be worse the next. But it was, and it absolutely, absolutely sucked.

So I know, I know what you're talking about. What I'll say to you on that is, and I was just having this conversation with somebody today, and this is for whatever reason, something that I have been putting some thought into recently. And the initial conversation was kicked off around things, possessions, or objects or items that people seem to pursue. And the more I thought about it, it came to the realization and maybe I should have come to this realization a long time ago. Or maybe I did and just hadn't put much thought into it. But I don't know of any item or thing that can't be repaired or replaced. But time is the one thing that you can't do either of those things too.

You can't repair time and you can't replace time. And I bring that up in this context because I know where you are mentally and emotionally. And if you make a decision when it comes to the choice of wanting to live or wanting to die, and I'm not saying that that's what you are doing right now, but maybe somebody else is in that situation for a totally different reason, if you're in a place where you're trying to decide whether or not you want to end it or you want to continue, what you're robbing yourself of is that time. And in that time, like I said in the beginning, if you give it enough time, things will reverse course and they will get better.

And I'm not saying that that's an easy choice to make. Those days in between now and when it starts to get better, they may be horrendous. And you may arrive at a place where you don't want it to continue. you. And all I can hope is that you can see your way through that and realize that time is the most valuable thing that you have. Even a relationship can be replaced. It probably can be repaired too, depending on what happened. But time, time absolutely cannot. And for the friends that I have had who have chosen to take their life, it would be the one thing that I think I would talk with them about. I don't know if I would talk with them about the specifics of what got them there

because I feel like there were a variety of things, but I would talk to them about what they could do with their time moving forward and how much opportunity that they would have to find what it is that they may have lost and to realize that it could be exponentially better. So keep that in your mind. I know that's not necessarily what your question was about, but I think because you phrase it the way that you did, it's an important point to at least discuss for a second. So now I'm going to give you a little bit more advice when it comes to your divorce. And I know that there are people who separate and end up getting back together and there are people that are that do not. My situation was obviously the latter. So I'm going to give you

some advice on how I would recommend that you conduct yourself. And just for clarity and full disclosure, every piece of advice that I am about to give you, I fell short of at one point in time throughout that process. I do the best I can to be the best person that I can be, but I fall short of the example that I try to set for myself, for my kids, and for others more often than I care to admit. So shoot for perfection on these and then give yourself a little bit of grace if you fall short. The number one piece of advice I would give you is this. try to be the absolute best version of who you can be throughout this entire process. The process in and of itself sucks.

It's going to reduce you into numbers. It's going to reduce you into fucking values that depending on the state that you live in is going to try to cut that or carve that likely, hopefully in half, but maybe it's going to be 6040, 70, 30, whatever it may be. And that is a painful process to have your life reduced down to it. black and white, one and zero, with the goal of having an equal sign in between the two and two numbers on each side of that that add up to 100%. There will be plenty of opportunity where you would want to be spiteful or vengeful or you would want to say something with the pure intent of hurting the other person. And my advice to you is don't. And when I got to those places,

and like I said, I feel short of the standard that I wish I could say that I held, what has helped me when any form of communication is I will try to keep in the back of my mind, how would I feel if my children were on the other side of this call as well and they heard me say this, or how would I feel if I accidentally sent this text to my daughter or one of my sons and they read the interaction? Would they think less of me? Would they think that the way that I am commuting communicating sets an example for adults working their way through a very tenuous experience. And that has really, really helped me because there are times, there have been times for me, and I'm sure there will be times for you where you're going to get to a place where you just

want to hurt the other person. And my advice to you is not to do that. Be the best version of yourself, both in your actions and in your communications. If you have kids, which I don't know if you do, if you have kids, be prepared to ride the waves that your children, are going to be going through with you on this. I have three children at three different ages. Obviously, we didn't have triplets. And their reactions were very different from one another. And you shouldn't expect your kids to just be okay with what it is that their mom and dad are going through.

There's going to be some confusion. There might be frustration. There might be anger. And none of that is their fault. The best thing that you can do is, again, one, be the best version of yourself. And two, don't try to force them or mold them into your reality. Be there for them as their parent. Be there to support them if they push you away.

Don't try to overforce it. There's still ways that you can reach out without being overbearing. Always make sure, always make sure that they know that you are there. A phone call away, a text away, a letter away, whatever it may be. But be there to ride those waves with them. You'll have probably better days with your kids and you'll have worse days with your kids. Celebrate and enjoy and cherish the good days that you have with them and try not to take the bad days too personally. Play the long game. This is advice that I got from people reaching out to me when I was going through my process. And I'm glad. I'm so thankful that I got this advice because it was very helpful. My birthday was Saturday of last week. all three of my kids with me, with friends and my fiance. And it was amazing. I didn't think that we were ever going to get to a point where that was possible. And it was so beautiful to sit at a dinner table and just sit back and look and watch and see it happening. And that happened

because I would, I'm not going to say it happened because of anything that I did. What I'll say is I think one thing that helped a lot was the ability to ride the waves with the kids, to do the best I could, to be the best version of myself. And also to give them time. The amount of time that you think it might take and the amount of time that it actually will take for them, maybe two very different things. And at the end of the day, I'm very sorry that you are finding yourself in this situation that you are. I understand the feeling of having your tank empty. And when I get to those places and when I got to that place in my own divorce, what I would do is default back to something that I have talked about very often on this

podcast. And I use it because it works. And it works in almost every aspect of my life, whether it's a personal goal, a financial goal, a fitness goal, a jujitsu goal, professional goal, fill in the blank. And that is keeping my world small. I know where I want to be. Like I generally have an idea of who I want to be and where I want to be. Getting there, though, is a journey of a thousand steps. And when my world starts sucking and collapsing in on me, what I'll do is I focus on the next step that I need to take. And when your tank is empty and you're living in this place

where you don't know if you want to live or you want to die, the best advice I can give you is is break your day up into smaller pieces and just focus on getting to that next objective. Maybe for you, it's, you know what, I'm going to see the sunset every day. Or I'm going to see the sunrise the next morning and then I'm going to figure it out for there. Focus on that and not how long can I do this for. How long is this going to last? Neither of those questions are going to serve you well. Setting an achievable goal that you know you can make it to

every single day, regardless of how shitty your world has become or what it's putting you through, that's going to help you. And there's no right or wrong answer for how small or big that chunk could be. Maybe you could do it in weeks. Maybe you could do it in months. Maybe you need to do it in hours. But whatever you do, don't rob yourself of that time. It's more valuable, I think, than people realize to include myself. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're going through this, and I hope that that advice helps. It all comes from advice that was given to me.

This is not my creation. This is advice that I am passing on to you that had been passed on to me, people who have reached out to me, and it made my life substantially better. And for that, I thank the people who reached out to me. Question three. Changing gears a little bit here. He spent a lot of time doing CrossFit style fitness. Now you spend a lot of time doing jiu-jitsu.

I'd love to hear a compare, contrast, as fitness routines or of your fitness routines. I have no experience with martial arts, but you and some others make it sound really appealing. Same type benefits as functional fitness routines, question mark. I did spend a lot of time doing cross-fit-style workouts, and that's a polarizing term for some people. You could call it functional training, whatever you would want to call it. I would describe it as very high-intensity, functional, moods, movement training. Shorter than an hour, most times for me, except for the days where you're going to focus

on strength. And I did when I first started doing jiu-jitsu, which I think I'm about three years and three months into it. When I first started doing jiu-suitzoo, I was still doing some pretty high-intensity workouts. And I got to the point where it didn't work out for me. I was going into training sessions, just exhausted. And at first I thought in my head, I'm like, oh, maybe that's a good idea. Maybe if I exhaust myself before I go in, I'll be less likely to rely upon my

attributes and more likely to rely upon the fundamentals and the foundational principles, which was great as a concept, but I just got myself so tired that I think I actually compromised my immune system, and I started getting a little bit sick. So at this point in time, all I'm really doing right now for my strength and conditioning is jiu-jitsu. And I've also arrived at a place where I realize it's time to implement strength training back in, but I'm going to be doing so in a different manner. For me, CrossFit, I would do like two on one off or three on one off. So I sometimes we get six workouts in in a week, right? Because three on one off, three on, six out of seven days. I'm working out. And I look back as to why I first started training like that. And it was for

competency at my old job. And that is exactly what it is, my old job. And I don't do that anymore. I'm really enjoying enjoying doing jiu-jitsu. I want to be capable and competent in all the physical things that I do now, whether it's riding a dual sport motorcycle, doing jiu-jitsu, bow-hunting, snowboarding, both on the resort and in the backcountry. So I'm going to tailor my training around that. And what I'm looking at doing is probably bringing back three days per week of training. Probably be a day on, day off, day on, day off. Maybe so that would end up being four days per week of training, I guess sometimes.

But continuing along that pathline, probably a Monday, Wednesday, Friday for me. And it's going to be less about the high intensity, nature of the CrossFit style workouts. And it's going to be more about, I would say, strength training. They're going to definitely be compound movements. I know for a fact, what I'm going to add back in is going to be deadlift, probably power clean and squat clean, because I love that dynamic opening of the hip, and it has direct correlation to jujitsu. And then some squats. I probably will focus more on overhead squats because I really like the idea of that core integration. I'm working on flexibility at the same time that I'm working on strength.

all the upper body component in that, which I believe is a direct correlation to Jiu-Jitsu performance as well, as well as archery. And probably a bench as well, too, just because there is a little bit of asymmetry that I'm noticing in Jiu-Jitsu. It seems to be a lot more pulling than pushing. And I'm going to find that balance. And my only actual goal with that is to allow me to stay on the mats longer. It allow me to stay more physically active in the environments that I want. want to participate in. So I don't see the need anymore to crush myself into the ground on incredibly high intensity, you know, 10, 15, 20 minute workouts because that's not really the

expression of my hobbies anymore. So I'm going to implement that back in and I'm going to have to play with it. Maybe it'll be two days a week. I think three is going to settle itself in nicely. But I know the hardest thing for me is going to have to mentally be getting comfortable with dialing down that intensity. So I'll set that goal on the distant, horizon with the shallow trajectory and just slowly work towards that. You've got no experience with martial arts, but myself and some others make it sound really appealing. My suggestion to you would be go find a gym. I guarantee you that if you go look in your local area and you find a gym, they're going to have you try it out for a certain time period. I think the gym here,

SBG here in Calispell, I think they give you a week, an intro for a week. And you're going to get a pretty good idea inside of that week. If you're not even necessarily sure what it is, You'll leave at least that week knowing what it is. And I think you'll leave with a pretty good idea as to whether or not you like it or it's something that you would want to continue. So I absolutely would suggest that you do so because for me it has provided the same type of benefits. I would say I'm not as strong physically, but I actually think I'm probably stronger mentally do the different aspect of training. And don't get me wrong. People who make their living under a barbell doing CrossFit type workouts, they're mentally strong.

That shit hurts too. it's just different. And I think exposure to different is a really good way to develop your resiliency. So I highly recommend that you do. And hopefully that answered your question. And on that note, that's it. Three questions for this Friday. See you all.

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