Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Full Auto Friday - Round 77

Episode Date: October 29, 2021

Rapid Fire Q and A to finish off the week: 1. Physical standards and fairness towards women in SWAT and military communities 2. Advice for those that have decided alcohol is not for them but still have to deal with the actions of those around them whose actions have a negative impact 3. When did I know it was time to see a therapist Enjoy

Well, hello, everyone. It's Friday. So you know what that means. We're going to do some Q&A. Before that, though, some sponsorship notes. Today's episode of Florida Friday is brought to you by Element. Now, if you're not familiar with what Element is, you're late to the game. It is an electrolyte drink. And it's amazing. And it was created, co-created by one of my close friends, Rob Wolf, who I'm very fortunate to be able to practice jujitsu with. Usually three to five times per week. Element recharge is a tasty electrolyte drink mix designed to support active hydration and a healthy lifestyle. Now, performance being the key word here. Some of the best performers in the world are using Element. Team USA weightlifting, NBA teams, NFL teams, special operations communities, and there's a reason for that. It works. It can help you expand your limits beyond performance, though.

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And second sponsor for today's show is actually the show itself. Yeah, there was a gap in the advertisement schedule. So guess what? This episode of Cleared Hot is brought to you by Cleared Hot. If you want to help me fly the flag and spread the word, go to shop.com. There's a coffee blend associated with the podcast. It's not a big deal. It's delightful.

But if you make it and you are going to make it in the form of a cold brew, I recommend drinking it while on the toilet. There are some brand new vinyl stickers that are going to look really good on bumpers and safes and vehicle windows. And I got a blacked out or murdered out version. For those of you who prefer a more subdued flare game, there's some people. patches, you know, stuff like that. So check it out if you want to. And if you don't want to check it out, then don't go check it out. That's it. Let's do this. Full Auto Friday, I think we're on

number 76. We're 77. I'm not even sure. I'm looking at danger close now. All right, everybody, let's do this. I have, I would say some heavier, maybe a little bit heavier topics for today, and I got a bunch of them lined up here on the computer, and we'll get as far into it as we can. I'm not going to take up everybody's time, because just like you, I want to go enjoy my weekend. Let's begin. Question one. Longtime listener of not only the podcast, but of your band, Creed.

In parentheses, by the way, the music is better. Sir, I'm assuming this is a sir. You should go fuck yourself, all right? Because the podcast is way better than Creed, which, if you were actually to go through my iTunes library, I might actually have some. So don't go fuck yourself. I apologize for saying that. That was me not being the person that I want to be. But let's just not talk about Creed anymore.

On to your question. This may come from a terrible outlet, but I was watching the TV show SWAT. Terrible idea I know. And for clarity, I didn't even know they had a TV show called SWAT unless you were watching the movie SWAT on your TV. And the issue of women not trying out because the physical standards of selection are biased towards men was addressed. The main example used were women blowing their shoulders out trying to do 60 push-ups, and obviously the argument was being made that it isn't fair for women to have to complete some. selection that was originally designed for men. Instead, it was suggested that how many pushups you can do isn't a direct correlation for the job of being a SWAT officer, and that the standard

should be made to be more fair, like adding another standard such as a barbell bench press for women to complete. As a listener of your podcast, I realize team guys absolutely hate the idea of changing standards to allow others in. But my girlfriend spoke to how much harder it is for women, and I started to wonder if there isn't an argument to be made. Should women, who would probably excel at the job, be held back because 60 push-ups for a man could be equal to 100 for a woman? It takes a lot more suffering and mental strength for a woman to do 60 than a dude. At what point are we losing equally as strong-minded women through selection for physical attributes and letting in less strong-minded men based on factors that are not a woman's fault genetically?

I'd just like to question whether it's completely fair. Could there be adjustments made? Or is the fact they are not as physically strong a non-starter to begin with? After all, Stephen Seagall couldn't string together more than five push-ups, and we all know that dick liquor can operate. God-given talent, baby. Please forgive me for not having a true understanding. I'm typing this up as I sit like a sack of potatoes on my couch.

It's a great question, and there is so much to unpack in this. And you don't need to ask for forgiveness for not having an understanding. This is a topic that I feel like has been coming up more and more and more and more. And not necessarily about this type of selection process. But just more in the common narrative. And I'm going to encapsulate your question actually under the banner of the discussion about equality of outcome and equality of opportunity. There's a few things that I'm going to address first. You said in your email, I'd just like to question whether it is completely fair.

Could there be adjustments made? The stone cold, hard realization that I really hope that everybody can come to at some point in their life is that the fair is in Iowa. And it has cotton candy and a merry-go-round. So if you're looking for the fair, go there. If you're looking for fairness, don't ever leave the doors of your house. or get on the internet or interact with another human being because it doesn't exist. And this is where we go back to the equality of outcome. People who often complain about things not being fair, what they really want is the same

outcome for everybody absent the same amount of work going in. And I at a very root level, my DNA, disagree with that completely. So let's talk specifically about the standards. Are they biased towards men? Let's talk about the standards, and I was never spent a single second in law enforcement, not one single second. So I cannot speak to anything when it comes to the law enforcement or specifically the SWAT selection criteria. And I'm sure that it changes throughout municipalities throughout the country. But what I can talk about is the selection process to become a seal. The physical standards of selection are not biased towards men. They are set by the expectation and the realities of the occupation that you are screening for, period. The standard, if it is a true standard, should not have a sex box on the application. There should be no male or female. You should look at what it is you most likely are going to be tasked to do.

And in the job that I did, let's just call it the execution of combat operations. You look at the demands of the battlefield and you work your way backwards. Let me tell you right now that combat is not a biased environment. A bullet doesn't give a shit if you're a man or a woman. It doesn't matter under a microscope what chromosome layout that you may have. There is no bias. It just doesn't give a shit. So the selection standard is not built to be biased.

It's built off of what you have to be able to do to function properly and be an asset and not a liability in the execution of your job. Now, you said here, the main example you use were women blowing their shoulders out trying to do 60 push-ups, and obviously the argument was being made that that isn't fair for a woman to have to complete. instead the standard should be made to be more fair like adding another such another standard such as a barbell bench press for women to compete and then farther on down the line because 60 pushups for a man could be equal to a hundred for a woman it takes a lot more suffering and mental strength for a woman to do 60 than a dude where are you coming up with that information 60 pushups is 60 pushups now are there genetic difference? between the male and female bodies, whether it's the skeletal structure, the lean muscle mass structure. Yes, there absolutely are. But can those physical standards be, or can that physical

standard be equally applied across both male and female? Yes, they absolutely can. Because guess what? There's a bunch of dudes that are completely incapable of doing 60 push-ups, let alone 16. Just like there are plenty of women who are more than capable of doing 160 pushups. And I'd actually point you towards the CrossFit community when it comes to this. How do you think those female athletes are able to do things that most men are not able to do? They train their ass off. So there's no more pain and suffering required for a man to do or a woman to do 60 pushups than there is a man. It may take a little bit more time and a little bit more training because we're talking about starting from maybe an unequal physical capacity perspective, but guess what? That exists in both

men and in women. This whole thing, again, it's, I really feel like that this argument is framed from an improper perspective, this perspective of fairness. And what we need to do is modify standards so more people can come through. And it often is couched with what you added here. aren't we or are we potentially losing equally as strong-minded women through selection for physical attributes and letting in less strong-minded men? Let me talk about the seal community. The beauty of the seal community is that there are seals and then all of the other people in the military that we interface with, whether it is the augments, the direct attachments, and they really enhance what the seal community is able to do. Are they seals themselves? No, they're not. Why? Well, a couple of reasons. One, they didn't go through the selection process,

and two, they may not be able to, but that doesn't mean that they are pushed aside. So you can reach out far and wide beyond the selection process or your individual organization to bring in those other strong-minded individuals. But if I'm on target and I go down wearing my kit, your strong-mind is not going to get me off target onto the helicopter in need of medical aid. At that point, I need a mix of both. But if I skew my testing and selection for only looking for strong-minded individuals, when strength is required, you're fucked. And this whole argument falls in on itself. The beauty of seal training is that the training itself, the crucible that it is, selects for physical toughness and mental toughness at the same time.

And again, it's based on a blind standard. You don't need to have a physical and mental toughness standard for women. And to be honest with you, most women that I know that want to pursue these careers, they don't want that additional standard because they intuitively and inherently understand. If the standards are modified for them to make it into that organization, they are weakening that organization at its core. And you cannot do that. You have to take the end state and work yourself backwards.

And I know that may not sound fair. And that's why I opened with where you can go to find the fair. Combat isn't fair. Working in law enforcement isn't fair. When you were dealing with and interfacing with people on the worst days of their life and in mental health crises where you might potentially be tasked with taking life or might have your life taken, you need to be tested, forged, and trained for that, specifically for that. Anything else besides that is it's white noise, and you're not helping your organization.

So I understand the argument. And again, I find it to be oftentimes rooted in people just want equality of outcome. It's not the case. I just, the SWAT organization, or maybe in general. I have no doubt that it is open to women. And again, I'll go back to the SEAL community. The SEAL community is now open to women candidates. So equality of opportunity is there.

But equality of outcome would destroy the organization. Fair or not? Well, if your end state is not fair and that's what you're training for, then you better be very careful what you do to that selection process. And hopefully that helped answer the question. Oh, and hold on. Based on factors that are not a woman's fault genetically. Nobody's placing fault anywhere.

But what I will tell you is this, just to put a bow on this one. And again, I'm going to point you back to the CrossFit world, where the top-level athletes can crush 99.5% of men on the face of the planet. Why don't you go and talk to them about factors that are, genetically not their fault because they're not looking at it from that perspective they're working as hard as they possibly can and that is what people need to do and if you don't meet the standard then you don't meet the standard and that may not be pleasurable to hear that may not be enjoyable to fall short of that standard but maybe recognize falling short of that standard and not going down that path that you wanted to go

down might have actually just saved your life so question number two Why's my laptop sass in me? All right, here we go. I'm reaching out from the rainy Pacific Northwest. I served in the Marine Corps from 2012 to 2016. I am a single father, part-time, and 28 years old. Since I've been out, I've managed to accomplish a lot of things in my life, but have always struggled mentally here and there.

I came to the conclusion that alcohol played a huge factor in my mental health. I never had any problems drinking myself, but I found it was not a good thing for me. I decided to stop drinking altogether several months ago, and my mental health has never been better. I'm in the best shape of my life physically and mentally. Unfortunately, I have to deal with my ex, who we share a child with. She is a heavy drinker, and it's quite obvious that heavy drinking has consumed her life. As veterans, and just all around Americans, what advice do you have for us that have decided that alcohol is not for us, but have to deal with the repercussions of those around us who consume alcohol to the point

where it negatively affects others around them. Where is the happy medium for you and alcohol? It seems alcohol is around us everywhere, and I feel sorry for those who haven't figured out the damage it does for others around them. I'm trying to set the best example for my son and those around me. First and foremost, congratulations on being able to be objective and reflective and making that decision and identifying something. that was incredibly negative in your life, taking ownership and sovereignty over that and carving it out

like it was a cancer and the best physical and mental health of your life. That is awesome. If you ever do again have the desire to drink, maybe think back about how great you felt and both the physical perspective and the mental perspective when you gave that up. The short answer, and I'll break it down a little bit, but the short answer for me, the conclusion that I have come to when it comes to dealing with situations like this is boundaries. And before I go into that, though, one thing I want to say is this. I don't know how old your son is, but if your ex is a heavy drinker, and I'm trying to say this with no judgment or negative connotation on your ex, if she's a heavy drinker and it's quite obvious that it has consumed her life, there may be a point in time where you are going to have to step in and stop being a part-time parent and be prepared to be a full-time caregiver for your son. And I know that those can be incredibly difficult situations or conversations to work your way through, but I'm here to tell you right now that your son is worth it. So if you've already

identified this problem, the best advice I can give you is pay very, very close attention to it. Imagine getting a phone call that your ex was driving drunk and gets into an accident. More often than not, it's not the drunk driver that ends up getting hurt or killed. It's other people who are completely innocent, like the people that they hit or maybe your son that would be in a car seat in the back. So think about that and draw a line in the sand for how far you're actually willing to let that go before you step in and take up a role of full-time parenting. All right. Back to your question, though. How do you deal with people who have a different relationship with alcohol?

So for me, I drink. I don't have a perfect record when it comes to alcohol. I've done some dumb shit when I have been drinking because I have found for myself that when I drink, my IQ does not go up even though to me in the moment I perceive that it does. I have never felt like an addict when it comes to alcohol. I've had stretches of years in my life where I literally woke up one day. I was like, I don't want to drink anymore and didn't drink for two years. I enjoy it socially. I like I said, don't have a perfect record. And I don't have a perfect record. I've had some pretty long apologetic conversations towards people after moments of being less than who I wanted to be involving alcohol in situations. So I've tried to learn those lessons. But for me, I, one, recognize the negative aspect that it can have on me physically. And two,

I do realize in the days after I will choose to drink, that it can have a negative emotional state as well. It just gives me a dip. It can take maybe a bad day and make it worse, or turn what would have probably been a good day and just maybe take it back down to baseline. I mean, it's, it's not a mystery that alcohol is a depressant, so it doesn't surprise me that it does those things, and I'm very aware of that. I do have friends, as I'm sure we all do, who have a different relationship with alcohol. They will have one drink, and one drink equates in, I don't want to say in their mind, but it certainly equates in their behavior. If I'm going to have one, I'm going to have them all. And at the end of the day, it gets very sloppy. Things can be said,

things can be done. And although the individual who is drinking may not have any memory of the actions or things that were said, you may not be able to erase them if you were on the receiving end or forget what was said or forget what has been done. So although it may be a hazy blackout night for that person, it could have long-lasting, real-world, potential negative consequences for those that aren't. So boundaries to get back to my short answer. Again, I enjoy socially drinking. I do not enjoy being around people that drink to the point of being out of control. So I have very hard boundaries when it comes to those things.

Sometimes those people might be your close friends. If you allow yourself to be around in that environment, when they are behaving like that, you're not actually being a friend to them. You could, if you wanted to, or felt that the relationship would survive or felt it was important enough to address it with them directly. Do not do so while they are drinking. You're going to need to find these people an environment of sobriety to have this conversation. Or two, you could refuse to be present in these situations. So I know people where when they reach a certain point, it is time for me to leave because I don't want to deal with their shit. I've had the conversations, but I've had the conversations, but I've conversations have not had the effect that I had hoped that they would. So the only thing left for me to do is to remove that self or remove that self, remove myself from that environment. And I've had these people reach out and say, hey man, what happened? Why did you take off? And I'm very honest. You were reaching that point where you turned into a fucking psychopath. And I actually don't want to be around that. You know, I really am trying to enjoy you as a friend.

And I want our friendship to survive. And it's not going to if A, you continue to act like that. and B, I continue to be around you when you're like that. It's very tough. But it's also important to remember that some people, I would say most people can actually have a very healthy relationship with alcohol. They don't drink to excess. They don't drink excessively throughout the week. And it's a few people that have the opposite of that, where the alcohol really has their hooks into them. And I'll be the first to admit the experiences with them can really taint that perspective.

I'm stoked that you were able to find this place with yourself. Do your best not to judge others in their journey or relationship with alcohol. My theory on it is is I will give honest answers if I'm asked for feedback or if I'm asked for my opinion by these individuals. Absent that, I really won't. I choose to put up hard and fast boundaries. It's the only thing that I'm able to control in that environment because if anybody listening to this hasn't had the experience of trying to control. somebody who is like bordering with their reptilian brain flipping on due to alcohol consumption. And for full clarity, I'm talking about I have been that person as well. No amount of, you know,

hurting cats or trying to keep those people on the rails actually works. It's some of the most frustrating and can be friend destroying times of your life. So if you want to give it a try once, I mean, I highly recommend it. But if you want to have long-term sanity in health, I would avoid multiple engagements with that, and I would set boundaries for yourself. Alcohol is around us everywhere, but you can, you know, let's talk about the best example you can be for your son. The best example that you can be is showing your son the decisions that you're making in those environments where alcohol is around. You can show your son through the way you talk and the way you behave, that you don't need any substance of any kind to enhance or decrease

the emotional state that you are in or the amount of fun that you can possibly have. Some of the most fun I've ever had in my life has nothing to do with alcohol. And I've also had an amazing time with friends and had friendships deepen where alcohol was there. It's just something that has to be managed, but everybody's going to have their own balancing act and their own scale of being able to do so. set the example though with your son, with your behavior, the things that you say, and most importantly, the things that you expose him to. Nothing probably would be more powerful than being

around one of these individuals, and I'm not recommending that you seek this out. But once your son, depending on his age, once he has some processing ability, you recognizing that the situation is getting out of control for that individual like we talked about previously and making the decision to leave. And then you can have that conversation on the way out of there. It doesn't require a confrontation, and it can be a huge teaching point for young people. Question three. And we'll probably end it on this one, too, so we can all go have our weekend. I'm a 44-year-old husband of 16 years to my wife and a proud dad to our 13-year-old daughter. The last two years of my life has been the most turbulent with job loss and change for the both of us,

and seeing my wife struggle immensely with her complex health issues. We are rigorously trying to find a heart transplant program for her, and in this process, she has been rejected by two local hospitals for transplant due to complexity of her case. She is currently unable to work due to physical demands of her nursing job and was forced with the decision to resign. I lost my airline pilot job just prior to COVID and have currently taken a less desirable non-flying job to stay closer to home and take care of her and my daughter. Thankfully, my career trajectory is on the upswing with an airline job waiting for me, but I have had to postpone training due to my wife's significant day-to-day, health struggles. At this point, given the state of her health, I am not sure when I would be able to return to my career slash passion of flying. So career change decisions, income,

loss, and wife's life-altering health struggles are the main factors here, but aren't all of them. But I do want to keep this somewhat short. I have a high tolerance for stress, and I've managed it well, in my opinion, with rigorous exercise, triathlons, and numerous outdoor activities. Deer hunting heals everything, correct? Sometimes it depends. on if you actually get one from time to time. I've never sought outside professional help for managing mental and emotional stress up to this point, but I'm certainly not against it. I want to be as autonomous as possible with giving my wife the most focus for resources, but also recognize the importance of my own state of well-being as her primary caregiver. When did you

know it was time to seek a therapist and what are some indicators that led you to that decision? I know you've shared that you see a therapist every Thursday and have had great success. and wonder if it would be worth the undertaking for myself and those going through similar situations. Damn, it's a lot. I actually see, or I talked to my counselor on Wednesdays. So maybe I did say Thursdays once, and maybe it used to be Thursdays, but it's been Wednesdays for as long as I can remember. I'll start this with, you could have the desire to be the best caregiver and the best person for somebody else, but you're never going to truly be able to take care of somebody else unless you take care of yourself first.

And I've used this analogy before, but this is how I think about talking to a counselor. I'm not saying that everybody needs to talk to a counselor. What I'm saying is it's been hugely beneficial for me. I equate it to taking your vehicle in for a service interval check or an oil change as opposed to waiting for a catastrophic accident and calling for the tow truck. The tow truck would obviously be, you know, something terrible that happens where an emotional health or a mental health struggle occurs and poking around underneath the hood to make sure the connections are good and the fluids are good, that's that preventative maintenance that I think

you can do on yourself, just like you can do on a vehicle. It sounds like you're going through a lot. And, you know, heartbreaking to hear about the struggle that your wife is going through. And I hope that you guys are able to resolve that situation and she can get the surgery that she actually needs. You're going to have to prioritize yourself. One thing I'll say is this, is you said, I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to return to my career and passion of flying. You'll probably be passionate about flying for the rest of your life. And I can only imagine the regret that an individual would live with if they started pursuing that before your wife was out of the woods and then her medical situation turned south. My point being, I would focus your energy and effort on your wife to the best of your ability and let the career and passion take a back seat until those things resolved.

None of us know how much time we have left, and I would hope that both you and your wife and your child want to spend as much of that time together as possible, because it does certainly sound like there's some uncertainty with her medical condition. As far as prioritizing your own well-being, you should have some time throughout the day to be able to do that. So you have a 13-year-old daughter, assuming that you're not homeschooling her, you should have the time when she is in school. school to if you're not helping your wife focus on yourself. And for me, one thing that is essential when it comes to my mental health and physical health, which for me, I find them to be very physically tied, which you've kind of already talked about, the rigorous exercise, is carving the time out for myself and then holding myself accountable to doing what I need to do to make sure I am as healthy as possible, physically and mentally. Because like I said, you're not going to be able to

care for somebody else if you're not caring for yourself first. To specifically answer your question, what are some indicators that led me to the decision that I needed to talk somebody? Who, man, I felt like I had ulcers for almost two years. I felt like my body was eating itself. from the inside out. I was not sleeping well. Very, very disconnected sleep patterns. 30 minutes on, 45 minutes awake, 45 minutes down, 20 minutes awake. And for a long time, and I'm ashamed to admit it, for longer than I actually can I think describe, I was waking up feeling more tired than when I went to bed. Headaches. I live with a kind of baseline headache, due to the fact that I'm a moron and I've cracked my head many times, whether it's against thing or

explosive blasts. But they were getting to a point where it's going to be an unmanageable level. And all of that in combination was starting to feel like I was getting to a place where I was overwhelmed. Things to me that seemed like they should be simple started to feel like they were going to become overwhelming. And what I realized, looking back at it now, I don't think I had this I don't think I had this level of understanding. What I realized is that I needed better tools or a structure to help me find my way back to me. It's very easy to look at external causes of discomfort or stress. It would be very easy for me to say, oh, well, it was my ex-wife and it was her fault.

And I'm not going to do that now, and I'm never going to do that. when I look at the reasons why my marriage failed, I put the blame on myself as opposed to somebody else. I'm not saying that there are any innocent parties in that, but I can only control my own actions. And for fuck's sake, there were so many times that I could have been a better version of myself. And I needed better tools. I needed a better stress coping mechanism. I needed a better understanding of who I was. I needed a better understanding of why I was feeling the way that I was physically and how that was tied to what was going on between my ears. I'm not an expert in the brain at all or how those things work, but there are people out there who have dedicated their

life to that. And I got to a point where I needed to go sit down and talk with somebody who could provide me with that level of input. And we also did my ex-wife and I, not a ton of it, that we did some marriage counseling. And I found that to be beneficial, which kind of led me towards the desire to talk to people at an individual level, beyond just the couple's perspective of therapy. The bottom line is, I don't know if there's a potential negative outcome from sitting down and talking to somebody. If you're not sure, if you like chocolate ice cream, the best way to determine that is to probably take a small scoop or a small. or a small bite of a scoop and then, you know, how does it hit your taste buds?

You might find that you love chocolate ice cream. You might find like, yeah, I'm not really into that right now. So then you could try vanilla. I think as human beings were really complex. And I think that most people spend the majority of their time focused external and almost no time focused internal. And if you do so, I'm not saying it's a recipe for a disaster, but I think it's a recipe for having some built up pressure that you may not have the tools to relieve. So those were the indicators that I personally had. I don't know what yours are. And I hesitate to give any other ones or like, hey, if you're feeling this, you probably

should because I'm not an expert on this stuff. And people have different abilities and tolerances to deal with stress. But I can't actually think of a negative consequence that could come from an exploratory conversation and actually committing to the process of getting to know yourself better and work through your own bullshit. Because if you've ever met somebody who says that they don't have any bullshit going on in their life or with them as an individual, all you've really done is met a liar. So that's the best answer that I can give you. And we'll close it out on that. See you all on Monday. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Thanks for taking the time to tune in,

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