Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Full Auto Friday - Round 82

Episode Date: December 3, 2021

Rapid Fire Q and A to finish off the week: 1. I am trying to pick between my wife and the woman I am having an affair with...any advice 2. Giving gifts....when is it appropriate, when should it be avoided Enjoy

Ladies and gentlemen, what's up? Got a spicy opener for you on the first question for today. But before we get into that, let's talk about the business side of the house. Today's episode is brought to you by Onit. Now, right now, they're still having their huge Black Friday sale. So all I'm going to tell you is go to onit.com slash hot. And just take a look at the damn savings that are available. 25% off, some stuff, 10% off, others, up to 60% off of one of these categories, 50, 20, 20.

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You're welcome. Go check it out. This episode is also brought to you by Christiansen Arms. Now, if you listen to Monday's episode when I was talking with Nelson, you heard us both glowingly speaking about the experience we had with the Ridgeline 6-5 Creedmoor with Suppressor, because we're both gentlemen. That is right. Why do we love those firearms? So much, are that particular firearm or this brand of firearms? Well, for one, their light is all held. They're the original creators of the carbon fiber rifle barrel, and the barrel. And then they're makers of the lightest and most accurate rifles in the industry. Nelson and I both got in. on the ground. Leah got an animal on the ground. They make a variety of weapons platforms, and I recommend you go to Christensenarms.com and check them out for yourself. If you're new to firearms and you don't necessarily know where to start, Christensen has thought about that, and they created the Find My Firearm tool. Now, you can find that directly at Christensenarms.com

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I'm looking at danger close now. Oh, yes, ladies and gentlemen, Friday, Q&A, I got a spicy one to start with. Not, it's not politics. It's not, I don't know, religion. It is a question about relationships and choosing between two women. Something that I have absolutely, absolutely no professional ability to give advice in. But I'm going to answer this question, right? I'm not actually a relationship therapist by any stretch, but people want to ask me a relationship questions. And I'm going to give you both barrels on this one. Heads up, buddy.

Here we go. Long-time listener of your podcast and really enjoy them as I commute to and from work on my road bike. That's kind of awesome. I listen to music as well when I'm riding in my motorcycle. and be careful out there. Don't let it distract you too much. There's a lot of other stuff going on, and a lot of times you need to be able to hear as well.

So that is an aside. I'm at a crossroad with my marriage of 11 years. My wife and I have slowly grown apart the past few years. We do not fight or argue, but have evolved to become roommates. It's been a silent erosion, much of it, my fault, with a time and emotional-consuming job and putting little effort into the marriage. My wife is a few years older than me, and I believe the age difference has become a factor.

How much so, I am not certain. We do not have children. One year ago, I met a single woman who is a few years younger than me. We immediately felt an attraction and our relationship has progressed from flirting to kissing to intimacy. We have snuck away on a few trips and have planned a life together. We have confessed our love to one another. The young woman wants me to leave my wife and begin our life together. I am seriously considering it. I spoke to a family law attorney and have a reasonable idea of the financial and time. implications. Here are the main issues that I am most struggling with. One, you didn't label them, you put a dash mark, so this is me labeling them in order. One, I do not want to emotionally destroy my wife, as I suspect filing for divorce will do to her initially. This is my wife's second marriage and my first. Two, the young woman has given me until fall 22 to complete my divorce or else she will leave. If my wife and I go through mediation, this timeline is reasonable. Three, the young woman is much more temperamental than my wife. She craves spending money and speaks of wealth and possessions, while I am fiscally conservative in favor of more frugal existence.

Four, the young woman craves attention and validation. Any hint either, any hint either is missing triggers an argument. Five, I still love my wife, but I love the young woman, maybe more if I am honest. I am not a Mormon, so two wives is off the table. And as an aside, I don't actually know if that's still allowed in the Mormon religion in the modern day anyway. So that kind of is probably a moot point. And actually, probably a pretty shitty example. Six, I think this is six. For me, playing it safe is staying with my wife. Taking a chance toward a more fulfilling future is moving on with the young woman. As a man who recently

shared some of your divorce experience, any light you can shed is much appreciated. Okay. First off, I believe that divorce should be an option of last resort and that you should pursue every option available to include direct conversations with your spouse, which is one of the first things that I would actually recommend in this situation. Counseling, therapy, whatever it is that you can do to at least exhaust every possible avenue before you go down the divorce pipeline. Let's say you had an amicable divorce, of which I know a few people. that went that path, what I will say is I know quite a few people who started a divorce process that was amicable or described as amicable when it began and then became an absolute nightmare.

So you might think it would be an easy path, my personal experience and what I have seen from most people, it is the absolute opposite of that. So that's if it gets to this point. what I will tell you, sir, is that you are seriously fucking up right now. All right. Where do I even begin? First and foremost, I understand, and I know exactly what it feels like when you say that you are growing apart from your partner. And you wrote down in this email that you would put a lot of the weight on you for that situation or for that to have occurred in the past leading you to where you were. are right now. So my first piece of advice to you would be this. You need to decide what it is that

you are going to do because right now what you are doing is treating two people extremely poorly. And what I will say is this. You're asking me questions in framing it from the perspective of, well, this is my choice between this woman and this woman. And I think you have it completely on its head. Who you should be asking questions about is yourself. Because in my opinion, the person who is failing in this situation on both sides is actually you. You are completely and utterly fucking up as a man. You need to decide what it is that you're going to do and then you need to do it because right now what you're doing is you're stringing two people along and I can hear or read in the tone the safe choice, stay with your wife, the risky choice,

go with the younger woman who I'm going to suspect what may be drawing to you, drawing you to her the most right now is the fact that she's probably wildly physically attracted to you because the relationship is in its intimacy as opposed to the relationship that you are in with your wife. That has probably trended in the opposite direction, as I think a lot of relationships can have happen if both parties don't put the work in, which you have already described. this silent erosion, much of it your own fault, with a time and emotionally consuming job, well, guess what? Relationships are fucking hard. And I actually think, well, I take that back. Relationships don't have to be hard. I truly wish I could take those words back because that's

not what I meant. What I meant was, is that their work. But it doesn't have to be a labor of suffering or a labor of discomfort. It just means that if you want to have a partner and you want to travel through life together and grow together, the plants are going to grow where you put the effort in. Wherever you put the water and the seed and the fertilizer, that's where things are going to grow. You have chosen not to do that with your wife. Yeah, I get it. You could have an emotionally and time-consuming job. Yeah, cool story. Guess what? Save some emotion and save some time for the person that you made a commitment to travel through life together, unless it gets to a point where it is irreparable. And then that's what I open to this question with. Then I would say divorce is an

option. You don't want to emotionally destroy your wife, as I suspect filing for divorce would do to her initially. How do you think she's going to feel when she finds out you're fucking somebody else, right? When you're dipping your wick in other candles, do you think that that's going to be emotionally easy for her to deal with? So why don't we take the suit of armor, this white knight suit of armor, and strip that off a little bit because you're actually being the exact opposite of that. If in your mind you are justifying not telling your wife about this or you feel like you're in some way, shape, or form protecting her, you're out of your goddamn mind because it's not the divorce that's going to really probably emotionally destroy your wife. It's going to be

the realization if she ever finds out or you ever actually can reach into your pocket and find your fucking balls and step up in front of her and talk to her about what is actually going on and what it is that you've been doing, that's what's going to emotionally destroy your wife. So let's be very clear about that, right? There's no shining night. There's no protection. What you're doing is what you're doing because you want to. It's because what you want to do, not because of this desire to protect your wife.

Okay. The young woman is given you until fall 2022 to complete your divorce. She is much more temperamental. She craves spending money and speaks of wealth and possessions. You're fiscally conservative in favor of more frugal existence. Craves attention and validation. Hey, man, what are you doing? what are you doing let me say this i i do believe in marriage and i think marriage is much more

about the people who are involved in that marriage than the actual institution of marriage itself um i don't think that marriage fails because it's a flawed institution i think people make poor decisions to include myself and that is not saying something negative about my ex-wife the poor decision that i think we both made was making that choice when we were so young young and not putting in, and I'll only speak for myself in this, myself not putting in more time and emotion and desire throughout to make sure that we didn't grow apart. But it all starts off with who you enter into that legally binding contract with. Some people agree with it. Some people disagree with it. People think, you know, the government

should have nothing to do with your, you know, with a relationship and so marriage shouldn't be necessary. I can understand all of that, but I also do believe it's an incredible commitment to the other person, and I think that that's important to me, maybe not everybody else. But if you pick the wrong person going into that, if you don't love the person for who they are starting off in that process and you think that you're going to change them throughout, or if you have warning signs right here at the beginning and things that you're already, at least it sounds like or writing about uncertain about, if you think that that's going to magically get better because you put a ring on her finger, you are out of your mind. So what is it that you have going on?

And why is it that you're drawn to this woman? I think we all know the answer. And I already touched on it at the beginning. She probably can't keep her hands off you. And right now, you're thinking with your little head instead of your big one. And when you do that, you're going to get yourself in trouble. You still love your wife, but I love the young woman, maybe more if I'm being honest. Okay. What I want you to do is flip this situation on your head. And I want you to look at this permanent perspective of your wife and this young woman. What you have been talking about a lot is them and the choice that you are trying to make. Okay. Okay. Let's not do that. Let's talk about you for a second. Let's say you have two amazing women

that are trying to look at you as a potential partner. But they need to take a look at your activity. and what it has or what it is that you have been doing. How would you actually look to them? How appealing of a partner would you look if somebody looked at you with this level of a microscope? Not awesome is the answer that I would suspect. Let's say you did have a daughter. You said you have no children, but let's say you had a daughter who was 20.

And she was looking at, you know, she wanted to find somebody. She wanted to find a partner that she could grow with and grow old with. and she met somebody who is in your situation engaging in the activities that you are talking about. What advice would you give that young woman? I can tell you what it would be. You would tell her to run. Why? Because the behaviors that you are exhibiting fucking suck. And what you're doing is you're dragging two people along with you. And the person who needs the work in this situation is yourself. So what I would recommend first and foremost is to take the energy that you did to write me this email. and go find a mirror and look in that mirror and do a very good analysis and at least spend as much time as you spent writing this email out to me

thinking about your own behavior and how that could appear to other people because if the tables were reversed I hate to tell you man you're not going to be here to be that that great of a partner playing it safe is staying with my wife taking a chance toward a more fulfilling future is moving on with the young woman Why is moving on with the young woman more fulfilling? What is it about the young woman that you have already described as having a different mentality when it comes to wealth and possessions, craving attention and validation, or it triggers an argument? What is more fulfilling about that? And again, I have no idea about the specific dynamics of your relationship with your current wife.

I'll assume that it's not a perfect relationship because I assume all relationships are not perfect. And I actually assume that when people tell me they have a perfect relationship, which I have had happen in my life, that they are probably the most fucked up out of all of them. Because what you're doing is just being dishonest, not only to me, but to yourself. But in this situation, what is it that you find to be more fulfilling? I mean, do you not think that whoever you decide to be with, there are going to be challenges and that there may be a point where the intimacy wanes and that you had been. better love the person for who they are and how they act and how they think and how they behave and what it is that they have in their heart. To me, if you really truly want to have a longstanding relationship, you need to be looking for those things, not who's given you a hand job the

most. Okay? And I'm not saying that's what's happening, but I bet that's what's happening to include some other things. Now, make whatever choice that you want to make. I'm sorry that you have found yourself in this position, and I actually feel sorry for both women in this situation as well. And I feel sorry for you. This whole situation is what I would describe as a shit show. I do not see it, if I'm being honest with you, going well with either of these two people. And it's not because of them. It's because of you. It's because of the path that you have chosen to walk with this. When you are sitting in front of that mirror, that I hope you take the time to actually do so. ask yourself what would a man do in this situation because i tell you what a man would do

you would sit there and you would realize that the path that you need to walk is not an easy one but you need to decide which way that you want to go and there's going to be people on whatever path that you're going to go on that are going to be hurt and they're going to be hurt by you and you need to decide which one of those paths that you want to walk and you need to go walk it and you need to not be a pussy about walking that path And you need to have the hard conversations. And you need to have honest conversations. And what I would say is that probably the affair will ruin your marriage.

But I don't know if that would necessarily be a bad thing because it doesn't sound like it's working. But sticking with this woman, I don't think it's going to work either. Because I think the path that you have found or the choices that you have in front of you, both of those roads need some very, very serious maintenance and thought about where they land. I think you might be better off working on yourself instead of trying to find somebody else in this particular situation. You need to know who you are and where you want to be before you drag other people along with it. So my overall advice to you to put a bow on this because I've been rambling is stop being a jackass, be a man, decide what you want to do, be honest with both

of these people. Hey, and in the future, stop acting like an asshole. all right work on yourself and I guarantee you that if it doesn't work with either of these two women and you can actually work on yourself and get into a better place you will be a better partner for somebody else which is exactly what somebody else deserves this email to me is about being selfish right you need to start being selfless moving on all right my name is joe and i'm a long time listener of the podcast i serve five years on active duty in the marine core i'm now a police officer a career which I love. From listening to your podcast, I have found an interest in BJJ. I've been training now for four months, which is awesome, by the way. I'm a better cop because of the short time that I have

been training. I also greatly appreciate listening to you and your guests speak. My question for you is this. I have such a great appreciation for Jiu-Jitsu that this upcoming Christmas, I want to give my professor a donation or gift for his time and instruction. Do you think that it is inappropriate or not needed? BJA has done so much for my mental health, and I I just love it. I want to thank my coach, but I don't know how to. Thank you for your time. I hope you hear your response. I hope to hear your response. What I'll say is this. I think the best way that you can thank any coach, any mentor outside of Jiu-Jitsu. I mean, we're talking anything from a business relationship, financial mentor, whatever it may be, is to listen to what they say,

take action on what they say, and keep showing up. For a jiu-suitzsche coach, which I am not one, but I have coached people. You know, I owned a gym a while ago. What was the best way to thank me for my time was to consistently keep coming to class and take the things that I was trying to teach on board and actually do them? I think that is the best thank you that you can possibly give. And I actually chose this question because giving gifts and why to give gifts and, you know, is it appropriate? I think it's a great question.

So I picked this one much more beyond just the BJJ world. BJJ specifically, like I just said, keep going to class, keep showing up, be consistent, listen to the coach, do what the coach says, and put your faith and trust in them. That's what they're there to do. I can't think of a monetary reward that would be better than that. Now, let's say that you do want to give a gift or a donation. There are, I can think of, especially in the professional world times where that would be inappropriate, whether it's via the rank structure or the hierarchy of the organization, Or maybe even in this case, I don't know the actual answer or the protocol when it comes to Jiu-Jitsu, but what I'll always say is if you feel like giving somebody a gift and you feel like it would make their life better and that it would make you feel better by doing so, I'm never going to advise you not to do that. But there are ways that you could maybe do it more discreetly. You could support, and again, now I'm going back specifically to your coach in the gym that you

train at, you could easily give a gift anonymously, which would remove. any level of perception, if you were worried about that, that in giving the gift that you would be favored differently or looked at differently. So that's an option right there. You could also just have a direct conversation with your coach about it and be like, hey man, this is the impact that has had in my life. I'd really like to give back. You know, we're coming to a season where gift giving is pretty common for a lot of people. I want to give something to the gym. I want to give something to you. What are your thoughts? People have reached out to me like that. And what I'll often say is, you know what, don't give me the gift, make a donation in my name, maybe over here

in this direction. I'll point them in a little bit in the right direction, but let them make that choice. So that way, they're still getting that sense of fulfillment by making a donation or giving a gift. And we don't have to worry about any level of favoritism, which I think in the coaching environment, especially in a class that has multiple students, there is a risk of that, depending on how public you were, but like I said, there's a discreet way to do it. But gift giving in general, I have, I would like to say I've never given a gift in my life with the expectation of something in return, but I've probably fallen short on that at some point in time of my life, but that is where I land. When it comes to gift giving in general, I like being a generous person. I like helping people

every single time that I can in every way that I can. And I'm not always able to do so. But when I am, I always try to, but I don't try to make a big deal out of it. And I am constantly aware of the fact. Not aware of the fact. I'm aware of or I try to stay aware of internally whether or not I am keeping score. Because the second you land on a place where you're keeping score, you're going to be let down because you may realize you're keeping score. Somebody else may not even realize it at all or even have the ability to even the score.

So when it comes to giving in general, if it comes from a place of the desire to try to help the world around you or the community of people around you or your friend's circle around you, I couldn't support that more until it gets to the place where you expect something in return for it. And that's why I selected this question because I think it's very important for people to realize giving should be exactly that. When you put your hand out to give something to somebody, bring it back in and put it back in your pocket. and don't have your other handout expecting something in return. What I will say is one of the most fulfilling things that I've been able to do in my life is to help people from a distance and not even have them be aware that I'm doing it. It's one of my favorite things to do is to recognize a place where I could step in and take a small act. Maybe it's a super small donation.

Maybe it's just realizing that there's a deficiency in something that somebody else needs and being able to fill that and not even actually acknowledging or letting that individual know that it happened, it makes me feel like a better person to be able to help others absent them being able to give credit for it. Because I've had it happen to me at times in my life, both financial and when it came to equipment when I was younger, and I'm using the term equipment broadly, when I was much younger. and I remember how much it meant to me in those particular circumstances. And being able to repay that to other people throughout the course of my life as I've been

getting older and have a better understanding of the impact that it can have, it's very hard for me to describe the impact it has had for me. I expect nothing in return. And my desire to do so is to try to as people climb the ladder of life, instead of constantly looking up and just trying to grab that next rung and being in a race to get to the top of this fucking endless ladder is to look down and grab as many people as you can and pull them up with you. It is so fulfilling. It is so enriching. It is so rewarding that I hope everybody at some point has that experience of being able to do that or is willing to accept somebody's

help and allow them to elevate their position. Both, I think, are very important. Make sure you're doing it appropriately. Make sure that you're doing it for the right reasons. And I had a third question, but honestly, that's it. I'm going to leave it on those two. That way everybody can start their weekend, very quick and easy, full out of Friday, 82. Hope you enjoyed it. See you back online. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Thanks for taking the time to tune in, whether you're listening on an audio-only platform or you're watching on YouTube. I appreciate that you take the time every week to tune in. People ask me a lot, what can they do to help me spread the word? And the answer is actually embedded in the question. The biggest thing you guys can do to help me if you enjoy the

podcast and you think it would be helpful to others is subscribe and share it with other people. And if you have the time, go on to Apple Podcasts and leave me a rating and a review. If you think the podcast sucks, tell me it sucks and leave a zero star review or the lowest stars possible. If you have a question, comment or suggestion, you can go to clearedhotpodcast.com. And there is a Contact me button right there, which will land in my inbox. And the last thing, if people are interested in helping out, what you can do is fly the old flag. And by that, I don't mean an actual flag because they don't have any of those. I'm talking about t-shirts or sweatshirts or hats, whatever it may be.

Again, clear-thoddhotpodcast.com, click on the shop tab. And hopefully something in there looks like it would be an item you would like to wear around town. And then you can tell people what it is when they ask you. But that is it. The biggest thing I can say is thank you. I truly appreciate it. Until next time. See you.