Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Full Auto Friday - Round 84

Episode Date: December 17, 2021

Rapid Fire Q and A to finish off the week: **Fair warning, this episode is not one that I would listen to within earshot of kids** 1. My wife and I found a conversation on my daughter's phone where she was telling a friend about being molested by her uncle at age 9. We know who it is, when and where it happened, and I want justice for my daughter. What do we do 2. How do I support my friend who is an Air Force vet as he struggles his way through PTS and alcoholism 3. I have a cheating wife, I feel like a doormat husband, please help.... Enjoy

What's going on, everybody? It's Friday. It's a Q&A. I have three questions. But before we begin, you know it's going to be a little bit of the business side of the house, if you will. Today's episode is brought to you by the longtime sponsor, On It. If you are interested in Total Human Optimization, you need to go to Onit.com slash hot. I'm going to open with what I generally close with. Before you go and spend your money on accessories or supplementation, do me a favor, dial in the big picture. items, your rest, your recovery, your training, your nutrition. And then it is time to go to onet.com slash hot and focus on your optimization. They have more products than I could possibly describe. At the very top, you're going to see supplements, nutrition, fitness, apparel, sale, and content. Each one of those has multiple subcategories. So all that I can do is recommend incredibly high quality products that I have been using for years at this point for a reason, because I think they're worth the money. And as anybody who's listened to the podcast has probably heard me say,

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And today, why would I pick three that would be, I don't want to call them down or more heavy, perhaps, maybe they are. And the reason for that, I was thinking about this today. Why are these questions? And just so people know, I get a variety of emails. Some of them are incredibly positive. Some of them are incredibly crazy. And some of them are like the questions today. And I think it's a good reminder for people to realize that regardless of what's going on in your life, regardless of how bad you may have it in your own personal situation or what you are dealing with, there are people out there everywhere who are slogging it out as well.

Trust me, my life is not all rainbows and gum drops falling out of the sky. over this pristine meadow of unicorns. It's the opposite of what my life is, and I have struggles just like everybody else. And every once in a while, I need a little bit of kicking the dick with emails like this. So I can kind of recalibrate and remind myself like, man, maybe I don't have it that bad.

So maybe be kind as well. It's a good reminder to be kind, because you never actually know what people are going through, and some people are going through some shit. On that note, let's begin. One of three. I am at a loss on what to do with this situation. My wife and I were going through our 12-year-old daughter's cell phone and came across a conversation she had with one of her friends.

She was talking about how she loves my side of the family, but really dislikes her mother's side because her uncle molested her when she was nine. Now, she only has contact with one uncle on my wife's side, so we knew who she was talking about. We had to sit down with her to discuss what we had read. She painted a picture with such detail as to the night it happened, what she was wearing, where she was. at in her grandma's home, that it was a time he was visiting, had just broken up with his girlfriend, and he was drunk. We asked why she never said anything before, because we've had the talk of good touch, bad touch. She didn't know how to bring it up and really only learn that it is sexual assault recently. Needless to say, I am heartbroken and furious.

I believe what my daughter says happened. I've never wanted to beat the shit out of someone so bad as I do now. I just want to call the police, but I don't want to drag my daughter through the legal system as her mother has gone through it and nothing came out of it for her other than pain. I just want justice for my daughter. And I also don't want the same thing to happen to someone else he's in contact with. My wife and I are working on finding a therapist for her and letting the family know what he's done. Please help me unpack this. Wow. So to whoever wrote this, and for people who don't know, I strip out any of the contact information when I read these because I don't accidentally want to say something that could identify somebody. And oftentimes, if there are things in there like specifics about a job or specifics about a location, as I'm reading it, I will round the edges on those as well because the last thing that I want is something negative to come back on somebody who has reached out to me.

Now, when it comes to unpacking this, I don't have any experience with this. but I do have a daughter and she just turned 13. So I'm certainly not a professional when it comes to this, but I'm incredibly happy to hear that you are working on finding somebody for your daughter to talk to, who probably is going to be a professional in things like this. And God, how shitty is it that we need people that are professionals and things like this? If this was my daughter, if I'm being totally honest, I do not know if I would be able to stop myself from beating the shit out of this person.

At best, it would be a hospital ride. In reality, it might be a trip to the morgue. And that actually wouldn't help anybody to include my daughter. But just in reading this and the feeling that I get having a daughter that is close to this age, I can completely understand how you say that you are heartbroken and you're furious. I cannot imagine having to work through this. But I think there's a lot of things maybe that we could at least talk about specifically that could, I don't know, hopefully maybe help you find the right direction. So I have in front of me this cut and paste from the email.

And the only thing I know about this situation is what was in it. But given the level of specificity that your daughter was able to describe, I land where you land. I believe what your daughter says happened. If not, that's an incredibly detailed and precise narrative to just come up with out of nowhere. And the fact that she was talking to one of her friends about it, you know, I don't know if that's a good sign or a bad sign, but you probably got to see both sides of that conversation. And it leads me to believe that at least she was reaching out and she was reaching out for a reason. ask yourself this because this is one of the things that I thought about and I don't necessarily know the right way to go with this. If your daughter had been on the receiving end of a message like that

from one of her friends, what would you have wanted your daughter to do? What I would have wanted my daughter to do would be to tell me about this because the thing I believe, I'm going to say the thing that I hate the most in this world are predators, which is exactly what this is. And I'm not There might be something that I hate more, but in this moment, I can't think of anything that I actually hate more than those type of people. And if you hadn't been looking through this phone, there's a really good chance that you may not have known about this. So you are not the only person who are going to have to deal with this. And maybe one day your daughter is going to be on the receiving end. Predators are going to get away if these messages go unread or the recipient of that message doesn't say something to somebody about it.

So I would want nothing more from my daughter. And I would hope that our relationship is at a level where she would take the steps necessary to let me know about something like this. Because the recipient of this had to have known that this was just completely and utterly fucking wrong in every essence of being a human being. But they may not have been comfortable or may not have been comfortable telling somebody about it so that it never would have had the chance to have. something be done about it. And I know I'm rambling a little bit, but what I'm getting to the point is for people out there listening to this, I would hope that you have a relationship with your kids that they would talk to you about this, because otherwise it may go completely unchecked, which is so unacceptable. And that's an aside to the question that you asked, but it's something

that stuck with me like, son of a bitch, not only would be terrible if this happened to my daughter, but it would be terrible if she was burdened with that information and didn't know what to do. you have to take action on this you know the fact that your wife went through a situation like this and it sounds like she involved the police and nothing happened it is not an indication that that's the same thing that would happen with your daughter i could understand how that could taint somebody's perspective on that system but experiences will vary and i wouldn't necessarily put it out of the realm of something you should consider just based off that one data point and experience alone.

I think it's important enough that you should have a very serious conversation about it. And, you know, I don't know if it's, I don't know if it's a conversation that only you and your wife should have. I think, I think your daughter should be involved in as many of these conversations as possible. So she understands the gravity and the importance of not only of what happened, but what actions are going to be taken. I think notifying your family what has happened and what this uncle has done, totally agree with that. Because one thing that I do believe allows predators to operate is a lack of a fucking spotlight burning them into the ground. They can operate in the shadows. And a lot of these people, they get really good at working around in the shadows.

Because I think at the end of the day, they know they have a problem. They know that there's something wrong with them. They know that they're seeking for something that they may never be able to fill that void. And I think to some degree they may not like it, but they accept it. And they get very good at hiding in the shadows. And what you need for that is as much illumination as humanly possible. So yeah, the family has to know. The best way to do that, I think, you know, you could go the surprise cockbag at a family reunion.

Probably not the best idea. You could go the notify each family member along the way. That might be a better idea. But I think what you need to do first is decide what you want to do with your daughter. And I don't know what to tell you what to do with your daughter. Because if you do go forward with this, there certainly is a chance that she is going to be drunk through at least the process of having to relive this. You know, at the age of nine, there is nothing, absolutely nothing that a nine-year-old could have ever done to justify something like this. And on that point, the uncle had just broken up with his girlfriend and he was drunk.

Yeah, cool story. Who fucking cares. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care what your reasoning is, what your justification is. Negative. Don't get me wrong. I've made decisions in my life that were shitty around alcohol.

Never once in my life can I even imagine something like this when it comes to, I don't care. I could drink enough alcohol. to cover the top of this table. And this is not something that is ever going to happen. This is somebody, regardless of what was externally happening in their life, that has a fucking problem. And that problem expressed maybe due to external pressure or stress or the alcohol, but that problem has got to be addressed.

Because this, to sexually abuse your nine-year-old, what would it be, uncle, niece, there's something fucking wrong with you. Like, full stop, period. And it just has to be addressed. So I think for you, the first step is to decide what you guys want to do as a family because that's what it's going to take. It's going to take a family to navigate your way through this. Is it going to be really hard for your daughter? Yes.

Yes, it is absolutely going to be hard for your daughter. Is it going to be hard for your wife because of the experience that she had in the past with that system? Yes, it really is. Is it going to be hard for you as the dad? Because at some point you're probably going to have to be face to face with this person. Yes, it really is. And I would have no judgment of you for taking a fucking garden rake and, you know, using it multiple times to errate this dude's face. But that doesn't help anybody.

I actually think a worse expression or a worse outcome for individuals like this is a very long, protracted, painful exposure to the light and punishment. You know, snapping somebody's neck. which is a total movie thing, by the way. Actually, I don't know why I just use that as an example, probably because I just watched an action movie, which was awesome. It doesn't really happen in real life. I guess it does in car wrecks,

but yeah, don't think you're going to walk up and like, kiyah, and do that to somebody. This person doesn't deserve that. That's far too easy. They need more pain and suffering. At least that's what I think. I'm not sure exactly what that says about me, but that's what I think deep down inside.

Those are the things that I say to myself when nobody's around when I think about stuff like this. So it's horrendous. I mean so incredibly sorry that this happened. And I know that this happens more often than people would like to talk about. But again, unless it's brought into the light, I think it allows it to keep happening. And I would want nothing more than for your daughter to be able to talk with somebody and not have this negatively impact the rest of her life and also have the strength to come with you.

If anybody that she knows reaches out to her in the reverse of what she was doing to her friends. So I hope that helps unpack this. I don't think there's an easy path out of this. I think almost every decision that you guys are going to have to make and every step that you're going to have to make is going to be painful and filled with challenges and difficulty. But I also think those are the most meaningful and worthwhile paths to take at the end of the day. So there's such a tough one. I'm incredibly sorry, but hopefully that helps. Question number two.

I have a friend of mine that deployed to Afghanistan with the Air Force. several years ago. After getting back, he has battled depression, in parentheses, suicidal thoughts, problem sleeping, and alcoholism. In fact, I spoke to him earlier on the phone and voiced my concerns with how much he drinks, and he admitted he was an alcoholic. First, I don't know how to get him the help he needs because he won't talk to anyone. Because, in parentheses, or air quotes, I should say, or actually not even air quotes, regular quotes. They don't understand because they haven't seen combat, which I understand. Secondly, His whole identity now is wrapped up in being a veteran.

Believe me, I appreciate his service and I'm very proud of him for this, but I don't think he's moved past this phase of his life fully. And I fear it's hampering his present day. I view life as a series of phases that the previous phase helps shape your current but doesn't completely engulf your current. How do I best support him but encourage him to get the help that he needs? I know he needs to walk this path alone, but I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't exhaust every avenue that I know to help.

help him out. Great question. Not a unique circumstance. And I actually think that you may have made a few assumptions in here that I'm going to try to push back on a little bit. And hopefully it'll help you with the decisions and the ability to help your friend. First, I'm going to start with, I know he needs to walk this path alone. Why does he need to walk this path alone? So one of the things that I think is great about the military is there is a sense of community, a sense of tribe, however you would want to describe it, and each of the armed services. And it gets deeper and deeper and deeper as you get more to the specialized units or special operations forces. There is a bond there that in many cases, I think, can exceed the tightness and closeness of familial bonds, like blood bonds that you would have with your family. the path he walked in the military was not alone.

So the path that he's walking outside of the military, I think it makes sense that he shouldn't actually have to do it alone. And there are so many organizations and individuals outside of the military that will be there to walk a portion of the path with him, maybe show him the path, take a few steps on the path with him and then move along and let him do the work that he needs to alone. because a portion of it is that. But just to assume that he needs to walk the path alone, I think is an assumption that can be changed. How much do you enjoy doing things on your own that are difficult? The answer for most people is not very much, unless you're like a survival nut that likes to go back into the backcountry, training for the TV show alone, and one little off the grid for 365 days. I actually don't know what to say with you about that. Like, that's a path that you're going to go walk alone.

you know, Bon voyage, not for me, but also not what we're talking about. For most people, they're going to do better if they have a support network. His statement of, they don't understand because they haven't seen combat, is in a word, bullshit. That is an excuse that I have heard for years from many people, and it is total, complete, utter bullshit. you do not have to have seen combat to understand trauma. Let's go back to the email that I just answered. As a therapist who is going to sit down and talk with that young woman who was molested, does that person have to have been molested themselves to have an ability to help that individual moving forward?

My answer to that would be no, because what they need to be, an expert in and have experience in is how the mind works, how the body works, how they work together, how stress and trauma are received by the body, processed by the body, stored by the body. I want them to have that knowledge and experience, not the experience of having a round or two fly past their head. You don't need to have done that to be able to help people who are struggling with stress and trauma that come from that environment. Now, let's say that you were to say that to your buddy and he goes well that guy doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about that's total bullshit well then i guess what i have option number two for you go find a fucking therapist

that specializes in military trauma and people who have seen combat we have been at war for over 20 years the longest amount of sustained combat operations that this country has ever seen and guess what i know of multiple people from inside of the seal community that have left gone to school gone to training and are now counselors specifically for those in the military. So not only do I believe that you don't need to seek a specialist who's been in combat to have impactful and important benefit from therapy, but if you truly feel like you have to, it already exists. What this sounds like to me is an individual that just doesn't want to put in the time and effort. The internet is an amazing thing. I guarantee you, regardless of where this person lives, a few things are possible.

One, they're going to find a service-based organization that can help them directly where they live. Two, via the internet, they could connect directly with an individual that specializes in these things. Or three, both. So the options are out there, but the step has to be taken by the individual. So I couldn't agree with you more, right, when you're talking about the phases of life, you know, the previous phase helps you shape your current, but doesn't completely engulf your current. I couldn't agree with that more. I was doing a podcast yesterday and we were talking about kind of reinventing yourself throughout the course of life. And I've reinvented myself many times, even in just my time from leaving the military. And I view my past experiences,

failures and successes of which there are more failures and successes, as the foundation and roll a decks of knowledge from which I can make better decisions, have different life experiences in every subsequent phase. I think the worst thing that can happen, which I feel like you're actually describing, is that a previous phase, it becomes an anchor to your current phase, and it becomes an immovable barrier to your future phases,

and that is what it sounds like is happening to your friend. You know, the admission that he is an alcoholic, that is actually a good first step. I worry more about people who say, yeah, I don't have a drinking problem. What are you talking about? That person who is clearly an alcoholic based off of, you know, I guess it would be not obviously clinical experience, but social experience and just watching some people that I know or have known in my past life that were like that. When they come to the realization that they have a problem, that is at least an entry point to make a different decision and hopefully seek help and then from that help seek change. So I don't think he needs to go through this path alone. I think he would benefit from a community or tribe, which also can be found through those service-based organizations. He is hanging his hat on the excuse,

well, I can't find anybody or I can't talk to anybody because they haven't seen combat. Readily is admitting that he has a drinking problem. I mean, these are all, these are all barriers, but they are barriers that you can maneuver. and work your way around or work your way through. If he has talked about suicidal thoughts, I mean, to me, that's a good sign, not a bad sign. I worry much more about the people who say nothing.

Problem sleeping? Well, that also could come from alcohol. All right? Alcohol and sleep, don't pair very well together. Just because you pass out for eight hours doesn't mean you slept for eight hours. Your body is actually a complete shit show when you wake up at the end of that. So to get to your actual question, how do you best support him, but encourage him to get the help that he needs. Supporting, it already sounds like you're doing a good job of that, which is being there

to be able to be a sounding board when this person reaches out. And you're being honest with him. You are talking to him about the things that you are seeing that are concerning. That is a good friend. A friend that sees things that are concerning and says nothing. That's not a good friend. That's somebody taking the past of least resistance. And that's not the friend that I want. and that's not the friend that I want to be if I'm talking about myself. I think the best you can probably do is help hold him accountable. Perhaps do a little bit of research on some potential opportunities or avenues that he has to seek treatment along a variety of these spectrum. Maybe you go the alcohol spectrum or maybe you can do a little bit of research on the alcohol and sleep or the therapy or whatever it may be.

They maybe just provide some information and let that information be a starting point for his journey. You can't do it for him, obviously, but it can maybe take that first step down the path. Be there to support and encourage along the way, but the best thing that you can do is hold this person accountable, right? You can show somebody the path. You could build the path for them. You could paint it and put up guardrails and neon lights and show people and make sure that there's no way that they could get lost along the way, but you'll never be able to walk it for. form. So information and then holding them accountable. If they fail and they stumble along the way, I'm not saying cut that person off at all, but continue being honest, continue being open and vocal

about your concerns and help them get back on the path and then allow them to take those steps. Because I've watched so many people in an attempt to support somebody, what they're actually doing is the work for them. And neither party is satisfied and actually both end up worse off in my experience. So hopefully that helps. That's the path that I would take. Question number three. This was the subject line. Cheating wife, dormant husband, please help. This is a relatively long email. So bear with me, and this is why we only have three for today because I wanted to be able to spend some time on it. It opens with, I'm hurting, man. My wife of 16 years has been having an emotional affair over the last 10 months. In April, I'm assuming you mean that's when it began.

It is an old high school friend of hers. He is an E8 in the military, and I discovered a text by accident. It described her having her heartbroken by him because he stopped responding to her messages and then went into pictures of her having a bruise that was placed, and I'm going to assume you mean, occurred at Jiu-Jitsu. Luckily, the instructor who put the bruise there, That's a weird way to describe a bruise, by the way. Luckily, the instructor who put the bruise there remembers doing it. I have never hit, squeezed, or pushed my wife. She claimed this bruise was from spousal abuse to get his attention back, and it worked.

We argued over this. I was shocked. I still am, as this is not like her. I placed him on multiple blocks. Over the last several months, she has unblocked him with various excuses. She will tell me I'm being crazy, but then I discover my worries are accurate. I have caught her texting him. She tells me it's because she needed closure.

I have copies of all her texts, sex, and her lies, including her admitting to faking the abuse. I have taken full responsibility over not being a good husband the last several years. I understand she was missing something in her life and went looking elsewhere. I've been a stellar husband since first discovering the affair. I don't say anything about her spending. She has taken various trips with her friends. I compliment her, I massage her, etc. I feel like I have been the perfect guy.

The sex has been great since... Wait, hold on. The sex has been great with her since the affair started. Dot, dot, dot. I know it's fucked up, but this guy has been terrible for our marriage, but great for our sex life. Over the summer, I found a text that they were going to meet. I confronted her and she left. She still drove four hours to go see him.

She was gone most of the day, but came back home. We have kids that are 11 and 8. She has left off and on for a few days at a time to stay with friends. Her friends do not know the real truth about her affair, but she puts on the narrative being of being controlled. The kids miss her. I feel like she is abandoning us. It's easier said than done to just kick her out.

It's really hard on the kids, child care, work, etc. I told her parents because we needed them for child care. They are on my side and know she is going through a mess. They believe me. She lies constantly about this. We have fought about this guy. every several weeks. I've allowed her to text him thinking that I do not know in the hopes that she will get it out of her system. I have blocked him, but she unblocks him. She gets mad at me because I am

upset. She still talks to him. I've tried to contact this guy, just man to man, and I left a message saying, I love my wife and kids. I'm trying to make this better. Please go away and if she contacts you, just ignore her, but he still continues to respond to her. What kind of guy does this? I think he does not know the full story. I think he assumes she is a battered wife who is separating and he is just helping. Nonetheless, I hate him. The most recent nonsense was in another argument because she was searching how to delete texts from the phone bill. I confronted her on this and had another huge argument. She unblocked him and began texting him again. I found a text where they had planned on meeting again and that mentioned how much they miss each other. She was never texting

him for closure only doubling down on the relationship. I give up. I fucking tap, man. I had my first therapy session on 1228, and I'm looking forward to it as I have no one to talk to about this. We have the same friends, and they think everything is fine. Her close girlfriends think I am controlling asshole, but they don't know the whole story. I feel like the wife I knew is gone, and I'm holding on to a fantasy. She says, I am controlling if not letting her text a man who she has said she loved, lied about the abuse, sent naked pictures. two is controlling than I guess I am. In summary, one, I love my wife and kids and I have tried to work this out more than anyone else could. Two, all I want for her is to stop opening the door

for this guy to come into our lives, but she won't. Three, she will not go to therapy. Four, she doesn't really apologize, but gets mad at me for catching her lying. She is not interested in earning my trust back. Five, I need to let this fantasy go. Six, I know I was an average husband for years, but these last 10 months I've been trying my best to be awesome to a woman who continues to shit on me. Seven, I tell myself, I am not a dormant or a sim, but I'm doing this for the kids and my family, but now I feel like I am lying to myself. What I think you are going to say.

One, after over 10 months, 15 fights, countless lies and gaslighting, refusal to go to therapy and a lack of remorse. She is a lost cause. Two, advise me not to kill myself and go to therapy. Thank you for listening. Yes, you think I'm going to tell you not to kill yourself and go to therapy. I am not going to tell you to kill yourself for sure. I actually, well, I'm not going to lie and say it that I would never say that to anybody.

There are a few people that I would actually take more pleasure in doing it myself. Again, I don't know what that says about me. Therapy is an avenue to working on yourself. There's marriage counseling. there's marriage therapy but therapy like at least the way i view therapy i'm not a clinician obviously it gives you tools to work on yourself um it's not going to fix your marriage a marriage is a relationship between two people um and so what's going on right now is called cucking you are being a cuck um and i know that sucks to hear but let me start with this you open this saying your wife has been

having an emotional affair for the last 10 months? No, what's been happening is, is that your wife has been getting fucking blasted by another dude for the last 10 months. Let's be very clear about that. If you think this is only extended to emotional cheating or an emotional affair, you're out of your goddamn mind because there is a 100% chance. That is not the case. I've been a stellar husband since first discovering the affair. I don't say anything about her spending. She's taking various trips and with her friends. I compliment her. I massage her, et cetera. Bro, there's a lot more to being a stellar husband than the things that you put down on this email. And I'm going to assume that you are doing those other things. I'm talking about actually being engaged in the

relationship. I'm talking about actually caring about the person that you're trying to spend your life with, making her and the kids and the family a priority. I'm talking about about sacrificing things that you want to do in your life so she can do things that she wants to do in hers and expect nothing for it in return. And the fact that the sex has been great with her since the affair started, I actually don't know what to say about that other than the fact she's probably pretending that you are that other dude. So keep that in the back of your mind or put that in your pipe and smoke it. It may not be for the reasons that you want it to be. The guy's been terrible for your marriage, but great for your sex life.

Okay. You will get to a point in time in your life where the sex life of your marriage is going to be far less important than the person that you are laying in bed with and sharing your life with. So if you are basing the quality of your marriage on the sex life alone, you have some very serious questions that you're going to need to ask yourself. Mainly, what's it going to be like for you when your dick stops working, right? Are you going to go blue chew it up and be walking around with you? the tent pole all day long or you are actually going to invest in this other person and share a life together. Why do you think that she keeps unblocking this person and talking to this person? That's a rhetorical question, by the way, for the individual that wrote this. The reason is,

is that the relationship is not over and she doesn't want it to be over. You need to realize that, not being a good husband for 10 years. Hold on. It's right here at the bottom of the email. You wrote it. I don't know where I came up with 10 years. All right. But you said you've taken full responsibility for not being a good husband for the last several years. Oh, wow. My wife of 16 years. Okay. Has been having an emotional affair for the last 10 months. That was the opener. I should have just looked right at the beginning. Hey, man. Ten months out of, I'm not going to try to do the math, 12 to 16. It's over, it's a lot of months. It's probably close to 200 months, 180 something months compared to 10. I mean, it's great that you took responsibility or that you take full

responsibility for that time, but the path or the foundation may have been laid in that that it's not repairable. Now, divorce for me is not something I'm ever going to recommend to anybody. And I'm not telling you that you need to get a divorce. I will leave that to people who are much smarter in these situations than myself. But what I'll say is when, at least in my experience, when relationships end and when they implode or explode, it's almost, at least from what I can tell anecdotally, not from just one thing. It's a combination of smaller things that add up in their weight over time. And then largely they're capped off with one maybe explosive thing. But that blasting cap or firecracker has been slowly filled, pressurized, wrapped over time, dipped in gas,

stored in the closet and then boom it's not just one thing i would ask yourself this is not meant to make you feel bad at all ask yourself why do you think that she started this affair in the first place my guess would be and i think this is true of a lot of people men and women who deviate from their partners is they no longer feel like they were getting what they wanted needed were looking for from their partner so they looked for it elsewhere and that to me speaks to making the person that you are in a relationship with that priority to make sure that it is just more than sex. And it is more than massages or not complaining about spending, but it's an investment in that person and who they are, how they think, and legitimately wanting to be with them.

That to me is, I would hope, at least, a strategy that keeps a relationship much more fulfilled. If you keep doing the same thing and you keep expecting a different result, I would recommend you go get a dictionary and look up the term insanity. You might just find exactly what I just said. Doing the same thing, expecting a different result. She lies because she wants to. She's staying in contact with this guy because she wants to. She said that she loves this person or she has said that she loves this person. She's sending naked pictures.

They're sexting. They're meeting. I mean, I don't know what anybody's individual line in the sand is, but, sir, I would recommend you determine what yours is and determine what it is that you are willing to tolerate. From what I have seen in my experience around these type of things is if this happens once, the likelihood of it happening again is greater than not. It's not a guarantee. And again, I don't have data to support that. I don't work in this space. I'm just talking about anecdotally the things that I've seen throughout the course of my life.

Are you holding on to a fantasy? No. I don't think you're holding on to a fantasy. I think you may be holding on to a train that is barreling down the tracks at a pace that is faster for your legs to keep up with and your arms to hold on to. It sounds to me like your wife has already emotionally and physically moved on. The kids are an easy way to create an excuse in this, by the way, because I'll get this email occasionally. You know, my dad left when I was young and or mom, fill in the blank, and I don't want to be an absentee parent like they were.

And for people out there, there's a huge difference between a parent leaving and being an absentee parent and a parent leaving a relationship that is unhealthy and being incredibly involved in their children's lives, co-parenting, creating a safe, stable home environment away from that nucleus of stress and argument in contention. There are two very, very different things. I'd be very cautious trying to turn her family against her because at the end of the day I'm going to tell you right now that's their daughter and that's also their grandkids

and when push comes to shove don't be surprised if they take her side instead of yours because 10 years from now when they're having Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas dinner their daughter's still going to be at that table you won't be but she will be and the kids may be well depending on the parenting agreement so don't think that just because they are on your side right now that they always will be. That is their daughter. I'm not saying that's right or wrong,

but I'm just saying be prepared for that. And as far as, you know, what her friends think, who gives a fuck what anybody else thinks? We tell you right now that this relationship goes south. What her friends think right now is nothing in comparison to what they're going to think in the future because you are going to be filleted in the court of public opinion. And I tell you what, it might be really tempting for you to try to do the same thing. And my advice to you is don't say a goddamn word. Be the best version of yourself, not so that your image or how you feel about yourself is maintained, but so your kids can see an example of what a fucking adult acts like. That is what I would recommend to you. So don't worry about the friends. Don't involve the friends.

If she wants to involve their friends, let her. It's a long-term strategy for failure. I guarantee that will come around and bite her in her ass. And I don't know, maybe that's what she's into. But I digress a little bit. So what you think I'm going to say? She's a lost cause? Nope. That's your choice to make. You need to figure out what your line is in the sand.

And that line in the sand, I would hope to God, is based around being the best parent and example for your kids that you could possibly be. Now, I say this often, too. If it was one of your kids, and they're young, obviously, 11 and 8, if this is one of your kids in this situation, what advice would you give them? I'm pretty sure I know what it would be. And if that's the advice that you would give somebody else, the fuck are you doing? doing? Why would your advice change if it's you? Why is that situation so different? Because guess what? If you're in a happier, healthier place, let me tell you right now, you'll be a better parent. You'll be a better half of a relationship if you meet somebody later on, if you can

get yourself to the best space humbly possible. So I'm sorry you're going through this. Be open and honest when you start talking to somebody on the 28th. And don't think that on the 29th, you're going to wake up feeling like you have all this thing sold. Again, counseling is not going to help your marriage. If it does, it'll be indirectly because it'll be you helping yourself and becoming a better version of yourself. For those who are unwilling to do that, like you said, your wife is, that's okay. That speaks volumes.

To me, that's almost people who are unwilling to put the work in on themselves. That says everything I need to know about them. So she can go out, let her go get as much, just as much stunt dick as she wants. because at the end of day, it's going to end up ruining her life and you'll be there as a pillar and example for your kids and she will have to deal with her behavior, regardless of what anybody else thinks. That's all I got. Hopefully some of that helped, any of that help, one piece of that helps.

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