Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Full Auto Friday - Round 86

Episode Date: December 31, 2021

Rapid Fire Q and A to finish off 2021: 1. I just became a father and want to be someone who never has to yell to assert discipline, any advice, tips, or tricks from your time as a BUD/s instructor 2. I'm 38, a single mom of 4 for the past 14 years, and have had a "bitch of a decade" to say the least. I feel like I am spinning out of control and need some advice 3. I was in the military and am now an LEO, how do I talk to my kids about taking a life in the line of duty, will it change how they think of me Enjoy

All right, everybody, here we go. The final episode for 2021, which is kind of shocking to me because at some point during the year, I completely lost track of time. And it seemed like it accelerated. There's a lot of changes coming for 2022. I'll be able to talk about those pretty much starting next week, probably next Friday. I'll dive into them a little bit. But until then, we still have one episode left of Q&A.

Speaking of a new year coming around and, you know, potentially starting the year and in a positive direction. Today's episode is brought to you by groundwork counseling. Now, I know that I have talked about my own journey through counseling or my own thoughts on mental health, which is exactly what they are. They are completely uneducated, personal thoughts. I obviously am not a licensed therapist in any way, shape, or form, but is probably the number one thing that people reach out to me about, is their decision to start in the impact that it is had. Now, the podcast itself allows me to see where downloads come from, from a state perspective. I can't see it from the city. Now, groundwork counseling specifically is for New York State, which actually

happens to have the highest, where I should say it's in the top three. I was going to say the highest, but I'm not positive. So I'll generalize and say it's in the top three downloads for the United States. And groundwork counseling is specifically for those who are either watching or listening to this in New York. They offer individual and couples therapy. They offer in person and remote sessions. So there really aren't that many excuses that you could think of when it comes to reaching out and at least starting the process and determining whether or not they have a team member that would be able to help you maybe put together a different plan to achieve your goals. Or maybe you're working through something or maybe you have a significant other that you

guys need to sit down and do a little bit of maintenance on the ship, if you will. Groundworkmentalhealth.com. All normal spelling. Groundworkmentalhealth.com. For those of you living in New York, which for full clarity for many years of my life, I thought was only New York City, which it's not. So that is it. Now, let's finish off the year. Fuller Friday, 86. Here we go. To the smoke, I'm looking at danger close now. All right, ladies and gentlemen, this sucker's coming. out on New Year's Eve. So I suspect most of you will probably want to be spending time with friends and family on New Year's Eve as opposed to listening to me, run my suck. So I have three

questions. Going to keep it as short as possible and let everybody enjoy their time with those loved ones, friends and family. Hopefully, that's who I hope you're surrounded with. Question number one. I just became a father a little over a week ago. Even before the baby was born, I had decided that I would always keep a positive attitude and remain calm at all times. Now that the baby is here and the challenges that go with them have started, I feel like I have been successful with my plan so far. I think my goals have rubbed off on my spouse as well because I feel she is more upbeat as well.

This calmness thing is an ongoing practice, and I work hard for it to work out. My actual question, though, is about the future. I want to be the kind of dad who does not have to yell to his kids in order to assert discipline. I've seen this happen many times, and I feel constant yelling, is exhausting for the father, for the kids, and for everyone who has to hear it. I remember you once said that as a seal trainer, you tried never to yell.

Considering your background and also being a father yourself, what kind of tips and tools would you recommend to me in order to build myself that godfather-like presence that everybody listens to? Well, first and foremost, sir, congratulations on. on becoming a father. I'm going to assume this is your first child, just based off the content of the email. And all I can really say to you is, congratulations. It is, at least in my experience, a life-changing event, and you have some idea of how it's going to change your life, and then it's how it's actually going to change your life. And I think the delta between those two is generally

quite large. I like your headspace with this email that you've decided you want to keep a positive mental altitude and remain calm at all times. I'm sorry, but when I read this and I saw the timelines that associated with this, that you became a father a little over a week ago. And so far, you've been successful with your plan. Bro, I laughed inside a little bit. And I'm not laughing at you. Trust me, I'm laughing with you. Because I remember having been a father for one week and thinking about the struggles that come with that. And now with my kids at 18, 16, and 13, and the struggles that have come with that. Because if I could trade the struggles and challenges that they have at one week old

for the struggles and challenges as they grow and spread their wings and develop into young men and women and figure out who they are and experiment and make mistakes, let me just tell you. I would trade diapers and ass wipes. Oh, a hundred times over. And I think a lot of parents would as well. However, to get back to your email, I love the desire to have a positive attitude and remain calm at all times. And here's what I'm going to point out to you.

And for anybody listening to this, both of those are choices. You have the choice to do that. I do not have a perfect record in having a positive attitude and always remaining calm at all times, especially with my kids. And that is completely on me. That's nothing that my kids are responsible for. They're responsible for their behavior and whatever they may do. But I'm completely and utterly responsible for how I respond to those things. And remembering that these two things are a choice, I think can at least orient you in the right direction or recalibrate you if you go maybe a little negative as opposed to being positive or a little, shall we say, uncalm at times. And it doesn't surprise me that your PMA positive mental attitude is rubbed off on your spouse. It's infectious. One of the most infectious qualities of a leader is maintaining control of their emotions and being

able to be not emotionless because I don't want anybody to be an emotionless or autonomous robot. I actually think emotions are one of the amazing things that human beings have the capacity for. But you have to maintain control of your emotions as opposed to allowing them to control you. And in environments that are critical, like my old job, if you were to see a leader become very emotionally involved with the problem, and let's say that they started to lose their cool a little bit. What happens is everybody around them also starts to lose their cool. If they start to yell, if they start to run, if they start to get frustrated, if they start to jump into a decision-making process without thinking it through and start

making poor decisions, I've seen it time and time again where that behavior is replicated because everybody is watching you and they're listening to you and they're ready to mimic your behavior if you're in a leadership position, which of course being a parent is. Now, I'm not saying you necessarily have to lead your spouse, but you live with your spouse and they're paying attention to you so those things can rub off. So it doesn't surprise me that it's rubbed off on her. I think that's an amazing thing. What I will add to that is postpartum, there may be some oscillations in attitude, an emotional state from your wife. I can't even imagine the physical process of having one, carrying a baby to term having a baby.

the postpartum aspects that come with that, let alone the endocrine aspect of that and the mental aspect of that. So again, this email is from a timing perspective. You have very little bit time under your belt. So if things shift a little bit, don't sweat it too much. Just imagine the change that her body went through getting up to the point of having birth and then how it may change after that. So continue along your path, though. Try to be the compass pointing at that true north of positivity and calmness. Now, for your question about the future, you want to be the kind of dad who doesn't have to yell at their kids in order to assert discipline. And I'm going to fall directly back on to something I hear Jocko say often when it comes to leadership styles. And this would be what

I'm going to consider to be a very, but no, you know what? Actually, it is. It's a very negative leadership style. And I find it to only have success in the short term. And that is imposing your will on other people because you happen to be in a leadership position. Now, when your kids are young, they're, yes, they're going to basically do whatever it is that you tell them to do. And they're going to actually probably respond more to the tone of your voice and how you present yourself to them more than actually what's coming out of your mouth in their very young years before they have a grasp of the English language. And then later on, as they have that grasp of the English language, you'll be able to communicate at a deeper level. But the imposing

behaviors due to your will is a long-term recipe for failure, especially if what you say and what you do as a parent or a leader is not commensurate with your actions. So I couldn't agree with you more. We've all seen the parent exhausted, a mother or a father, yelling at the kids who don't respond to it well. It turns into a meltdown or a breakdown for everybody. And guess who's completely guilty of that? That would be me. I have a completely imperfect track record when it comes to being a parent. I have my good moments. I have my bad moments. I try to have more good than bad. And that's for other people to rate and give their feedback on as opposed to myself. I've had moments where I've lost my shit on my kids. I've had moments where I've lost my

cool on my kids. And I hate those moments. I look back at them. And those are the moments that actually haunt me. And I do my best, A, to acknowledge them and then B, make up for them and turn them into something that can be a lesson for everybody who was there and involved. I would say that maybe one of the first things you can do is recognize that you too, and everybody listening to this, is going to fail at some point. So what? Whatever you do, do not put this expectation on yourself that you can't fail, won't fail, are never going to have a moment where you are less than the person you were describing to be in this email. Always aim for that, but also just realize that human beings are inherently by our nature imperfect.

So it's going to become an issue of you doing the best that you can. I have found that the best thing that I can do for my kids is not to raise my voice to prove a point or to get their attention. But the actual best thing that I can do for my kids is to be the best version of myself humanly possible, to be available and open to have communication. And when I say that, I think the most critical portion of that is to list. when your kids are talking to you, as opposed to listen only so you can wait for your turn to talk or to try to come over the top or to maybe demean what your kids are trying to tell you, because what would they know, right? My kid's 10 years old.

What the fuck can my kid possibly know? Well, you'd be shocked if you actually take the time to listen. And then to set the example in your own behavior, you know, it's if you make this packed with yourself that you want to be this person that's always, positive, always remaining calm when it comes to just interacting with your kids and you do everything you can to set that example, but maybe you lose your shit on other people, right? Because you don't have that packed with yourself or other aspects of your life great up against this ideal that you are creating for your kids. It's going to be an issue because they're going to see that your words and

your actions are not commensurate. So instead of just thinking about this from a perspective of with your kids. What I would say is make this your perspective with everything in life. Now, I opened with talking about how positivity and remaining calm or a choice, because they are a choice. And then I also said right after that, I don't have a perfect track record with this, and neither will you. And that's why I went back to, you know, perhaps not setting that expectation. But take this to a broader perspective. Because if you're only like this with your kids, but they see you acting in a different way with other people, you're going to have a gap there that's going to be jarring for them, especially as they get older. And what I have found with my kids,

as they get older, is that they, unless they directly come to me with a question or an issue on a particular subject, I think the things that I say have less impact, but the things that I do have more impact. So it becomes about, again, setting that example. And this is a theme that I've talked about, probably from the beginning of having this podcast of don't tell me what you're going to do, show me what you're going to do. Don't promise me shit. Don't tell me that you this is who you are and this is what you believe in. Just show me those things. Show me who you are. Show me who you believe in. And spend the time, energy, and effort working on yourself first. So you can set that example. And that's the best advice that I can give you. You know,

Bud's is a unique position because every one of the students that is there has voles. volunteered multiple times. It's a selection and screening course. They're looking for an occupation. It's different than being a parent in many ways. And I guess similar in that position of authority. But I think it's a bad comparison. You know, the students that I was with when I was at Buds, they had to listen to me. You know, they were basically hanging on my every words because it might have something to do with their success or failure in the program. And I don't recommend creating that environment for any of you. your kids or for anybody's kids. So it's not a great example, but the reason I chose not to yell is based on my own personal experience when I was going through the program. The instructors that

decided that they were going to yell at me or just were going to yell for any reason, or I think it's just in life in general. But this probably was built on, started in buds and then has kind of been this way for the rest of my life. But as soon as people start yelling, I really tune them out. So the louder they talk, the less I pay attention. And the inverse of the that is true. I have found that the quieter people talk, the harder you have to listen. And the harder you're listening, the more likely it is that you might actually hear what they're saying. So I love your headspace. I wish you the best of luck. Maybe take this awesome ideal of positivity and calmness and apply it to everything in your life and be the best example that you can

possibly be for your children. And when you fail, what you're going to, spoiler alert, Don't let that define you, but also don't brush it underneath the table. I'm not saying you need to sit down with a two-year-old and necessarily apologize to them for losing your cool because it's probably going to go right over the top of their head. But as they get older and they have that processing ability and when you encounter those failures, make it a learning point. Make it a place where you guys could come closer together as opposed to being pushed farther apart. That's the best advice I can give you. Best of luck. Question number two.

I'm not even sure why I'm doing this. here I am. I appreciate your perspective on many things as it tends to align with my own. You've seen worse than what my life has had to offer, but I'm stuck in a dark place and I'm not sure how to get out of it. For some background, it's been a bitch of a decade and well beyond that, but I try not to dwell. I am in a rough spot. There have been a series of absolute what the fucks, and I've been spinning out. I'm a 38-year-old single mom of four for the last 14 years. Damn, that is gnarly, and congratulations to you for being able to do that. My little brother passed away four days after my 30th birthday.

After a two-year fight with an extremely rare cancer and it crushed me. Less than a year later, my kid's dad committed suicide. He was bipolar. I had left him several years before because the physical abuse, concussions, bone damage to my jaw, etc. And mental jenga was unbearable. He would have eventually killed me. He was both my best friend and my worst enemy. I don't even know how to describe the mind fuck that all of that was.

but his death hit me harder than I'd ever imagined it could. My oldest kid, a daughter that is almost 20, who struggled in some ways before all of this, completely went off the rails. I tried everything to get her help. She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and conduct disorder eventually, but nothing I tried to do helped.

Inpatient treatment, outpatient treatment, meds nothing. She physically and emotionally abused my entire household, up to and including CPS involvement and an episode where she almost killed the family cat. For the record, I'm not a cat person, but my kids love that little bastard. In any event, I am no longer in contact with her because I don't have the fortitude to handle all of it anymore. I miss my little girl, but my little girl isn't the same person anymore. And after all of that, in November of 2019, my younger daughter, 16 at the time, was raped.

It's been a nightmare. She's adrift to say the least. She's getting helped, but it's slow going. I'd love to tell you that I handled all of this with strength and grace, but I didn't. I did my best to booze and recreationally drug my way through parts of it. It comes and waves, you know. Anyway, I didn't mean for this to be this long. There are no drugs now, and I've cut back on drinking significantly, but I feel like I'm

absolutely drowning. I've been through more therapy and meds than I care to recall, and it doesn't. help. I'm the strong one in the eyes of my family and friends and I feel like there's no one to talk to. If I'm being completely honest with myself, I think about suicide in an abstract way all of the time, just running down the list of reasons why I can't. But if anyone ever asked, and then in parentheses, they won't because I'm the strong one. I'd laugh and tell them they were crazy. I'm the fun friend, sister, co-worker, that no one ever worries about. So I know I need help, but I have no idea where to start. I have not had the best of luck with therapy. I have not had the best of luck with therapy.

major trust issues and nobody really to unload all of this shit on, except your email, I guess. So sorry about that. I'm just lost. I don't even know why I'm doing this, but I think part of me just needed it to be out there somewhere. Wow. I'm incredibly sorry that you're in the situation that you're in and you had to deal with all of this. My first thought when reading this is that you actually have identified exactly what it is that I think that you should do or that I think that you would benefit from. And that is actually reach out to somebody. You said it here in your issue, sorry, in your email.

You know you need help, but you have no idea where to start. And I'm going to go jump back up one paragraph here. Being the strong one, because you're the fun sister, co-worker that no one ever worries about. being the strong one. I think I might have actually fallen into that category, at least in my own head, myself at previous times in my life. And let me tell you what that feels like. It feels like shit, because it feels like you are alone.

And that weight gets really, really, really heavy. And the reason I say things like, I don't worry about the people who talk about suicide or reach out for help because they're doing so. and you can actually leap into action and help them. And the ones that I do worry about are the ones that never say anything because they are bearing that burden by themselves. And they are always the most shocking and jarring individuals when they make those choices. It's because I felt that in myself.

I know exactly what you're talking about when you feel like you would lie to your friends and say, hey, you know what? You guys are crazy. I'm totally good. I'm the fine one. And the meanwhile, you have the Joker mask painted on your face because you're smiling the smile you think that people need to see because you have to be the strong one. And that's not a way to live.

It sucks. It gets heavy, like palpably heavy. The shit going on between your ears can actually, at least for me at least, weigh you down to the fucking mattress in the morning and make it feel like you can't get off the mattress or the couch and all of your goals and aspirations to become unattainable. And the people I know that have chosen to take their life and the ones that have shocked me the most and have had the deepest impact are those individuals that are just like I just described. They were fine. They were the ones who felt like they didn't have anybody to reach out to her that they shouldn't reach out because they had to be a pillar for other people. And here's the reality of that. It's fucking bullshit.

and everybody who is involved in their lives when they find out that that person ended up taking their life or doing something stupid like that, all they wish is that they would have picked up the phone or called or just reached out to somebody to anybody so it wouldn't have gotten that bad. So you know that you need help, but you have no idea where to start. I'm going to say I think this email is a good start. I'm glad that you wrote me this. People might be a little bit shocked about some of the emails that I get that are not

exactly like this, but they can be similar. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to. I haven't had the best of luck with therapy. Guess who else has had the best of luck with therapy? I haven't either. It's about the person and having a connection. And again, everything that I'm, when I talk about therapy, I can only talk about my own personal experience. I can't talk about it from like a doctrinal level because I'm not trained in therapy or educated or have an experience with it other than sitting there and actually talking to somebody. It's not about what that other person can do for you necessarily, but you have to have that connection. And then it's about you doing the work that you need to do, which can suck and take a really long time and

be really uncomfortable to confront while that other person is there to help you along that path. But it really does start with that connection. So for you or anybody out there who has not had the best luck, my suggestion would be don't give up on the process, maybe give up on the person that you're talking to and find somebody else that you can have that connection with. Because when you do click with somebody, which I think it's probably largely based on trust and the ability to open up and be honest, because if you're not going to be honest, you're wasting your time and fucking money on therapy. If you're going to, you know, if you look at the bullshit between everybody's ears from a pie, right? If you're going to cut out three quarters of that pie

and be like, yeah, I'm not going to talk with anybody about this because this is my special slice. Nobody can know about this. And I'll work on the other three quarters. You're wasting your time, right? Because it's probably that hidden quarter that's going to fuck your life of. the most. So that's going to require a lot of trust, though. And if you don't have trust in somebody and you can't open up and the setting isn't right or the set isn't right, then, you know, what I would suggest is just keep looking. You have dealt with an incredible amount of stuff. You know, suicide yourself, the suicide of the father of your kids. You know, best friend and worst enemy, that resonates with me. I think I have an understanding of what you're talking about.

and it sucks that you have to bear that alone, which puts me right back into, I would suggest, talking with somebody. You know, your 20-year-old daughter, I would never, I would never tell somebody to cut out a family member. I would never actually tell anybody to cut out anybody for any reason. I might offer a suggestion or some paths, but then I'll fall back on, you know,

don't light yourself on fire to keep other people warm. So this is a choice that you would have to make but I think at the very least what you have to do is set very hard boundaries, which it sounds like you are doing, and express those boundaries if you choose to with that other party so they understand what the expectations are. And if they can't be met, then I think the action that you're taking is correct. Now, hopefully you guys can find a way to put a drawbridge down and meet in the middle. But maybe not. In my own family, I'll talk broadly in my own family. And I bet you this happens in almost every family to some degree.

If you dig deep enough into a family tree, you're going to find a fuck wit for sure. But I have seen in my own family, family members who had to be pushed into a corner and never spoken to or dealt with again. Not because they weren't family. It's because of the impact that that family member had on the rest of the family. You know, I was disowned by a member of my own family. And it's for the better. I look back at it and the damage and destruction and detritus that came from that. It's better.

I'm glad that that person made the decision disown me when I was like 10, something along those lines. Because at the end of the day, fuck you. My life was better not having that person in my life. And yes, I realized we were connected by blood. but what is that worth if they make your existence miserable? So I can't make this decision for you. Like I said, I would never recommend a course of action. There are courses of action out there and make the most educated decision you can

for your safety, health, and wellness. You have three other kids that obviously need your love and attention. So I guess at the end of this, all I can really say is everything that you have described, I think it's possible that you could make your way through and navigate your way through by yourself and alone. But why would you want to? And I don't think that you have to. I think that you could put down a lot of this weight and make it towards the other end of this journey or through this bitch of a decade, or well beyond that, to use your words, and put that behind you, put that weight down and actually move on with whatever time you have left in your life. and be in a much better place, not only for yourself but with your kids. And that's the advice

that I would give you is don't try to do it alone. You know, there's a reason why they're saying, like, hey, it takes a village. Now, I know that doesn't necessarily apply to directly this, but for anybody out there who feels like they are the strong one and they have to be the strong one, and regardless of who asks them and what's going on in your life, you have to put on that face and that facade, I will tell you from my own personal experience, use that with caution. You know, a stucco stone exterior is not going to hide forever a diminishing and deteriorating foundation. If everything on the inside of that is rotting away, and I'm not saying that it's rotting away because of something that you are doing yourself, but something you're having to work your

way through, at some point, it will come completely and utterly crumbling down. And that's the last thing I would want to have happen when you're a single mom of kids for the last 14 years. One other thing I'm going to say before I move on. There's no drugs now and I've cut back on the drinking significantly. And you capitalize that word in your email. What I would suggest is changing that word from significantly to completely. There is nothing that you're going to find in the bottom of a bottle that's going to help you with any of this. But what you might find is a lever to make it a little bit worse.

It's a depressant. It generally retards people's moods and lowers them. You're not going to feel great afterwards. You know, there's no space to be found in that bottle. So food for thought, I think it might be easier for you to deal with a lot of this. Or it might have an easier time dealing with some of this if you chose to do it completely dry. So question number three. I'll get you guys out of here.

Longtime listener and fan, question three from fallout or Friday, number 85 made me think of a question that I've been pondering for a while. I'd appreciate your perspective on this topic if it comes up on your weekly question list. I've had careers in the military and law enforcement, both still in progress, and I've been around a lot of death and destruction in both fields. I've deployed a couple times, and I've been in some interesting situations as a cop. My kids know a lot of the fun things I've done in my careers, but I've never actually talked to them about the grim stuff. I've had to take a life directly in my work, and I've been involved in plenty of combat operations that resulted in large numbers of E-KIA, which stands for enemy killed in action. to various degrees of separation from my direct effort. I'm very comfortable with my actions in all of these circumstances, and I don't feel like it's a big deal to me if anyone asks about

them, but I'm not sure how to eventually address these things with my own kids. It is one of those, it is one of the only topics I feel weird to think about discussing with my own kids. My oldest is 11, and I'm inclined to wait until they are grown up entirely to ever explain my own experiences with taking lives. Do you have any experience with discussing these things with your kids? I'm sure they'll ask. sooner or later. I don't know how they will react to that or if it will change their thoughts of me if they learn that I've killed someone in the line of duty. Thanks for your podcast and sharing experiences with us every week. This is an interesting question. And I'm thinking back on this.

I don't know if my kids have asked me directly, but the piece of advice that I would give you is don't bring it up until they do. In the fields that you work in, law enforcement and the military, Let's be, well, I can always speak on the military side of the house. I would have to defer to LEOs. And actually the LEOs that I know are looking for every possible, every possible opportunity to not take a life. I actually don't know of any law enforcement officers that I know personally that are out there looking for reasons to take a life. It's, in my opinion, a leaf, a life-sustaining, a life-saving occupation. as opposed to in the military, we're taking a life, if we're being totally honest about the military,

it is a metric that in my personal opinion is ridiculous, but it does exist. There's a line in the sand, and there are those that have and there are those that had not, especially in professions that are designed, trained, equipped, and deployed to engage in combat operations, which is actually the vast minority of military occupations. Yeah, it means something in the military. And like I said, I think it's a ridiculous metric because there will be entire generations, and I'm happy for this, that never are put into a position where they have to make that choice. And for clarity, the choice in and of itself is oftentimes made in a very time-compressed environment with limited information,

and you do the best that you can. And you have the rest of your life to try to work your way through the gravity of that decision. And people ask me this occasionally. It's usually adults. it's usually after a few beers and they'll say well hey what does it feel like to kill somebody and here's the answer you guys ready for this it doesn't feel like anything because like i said most of the time it is made in a time compressed environment with limited information and you're doing the best you can and very very often you have to directly move on to something else so when you have less than a quarter of a

second to make a decision and you engage and you move on to the next room or structure or whatever it may be it, you know, trust me, like I said, you have the rest of your life to think about those things, but it doesn't feel like anything. I don't know if the misconception comes from movies or books or whatever it may be, and maybe it's just myself. Because again, for clarity, I can only speak for myself. But it's not this metric that should actually matter. And my whole point in talking about all that is this.

Hopefully your kids never ask, because it doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't have anything to do with you being their dad. And my theory has been when it comes to my previous job with my kids is that I will answer the questions that they ask me, of course, in an age-appropriate vernacular. And I leave it at that. I really, I wonder actually how much my kids know about my previous career. And I'm completely happy and satisfied that they don't ask me about it other than occasionally when we're watching movies and they're like, hey, dad, is that a real rocket? or it's like, for whatever reason, my middle sonly is obsessed with like RPGs, which I completely not only support. They're awesome. But it's questions like that. And if we get to, you know,

what I want from my kids is for them to worry about their life, not necessarily worry about the life that I came from or the experiences I had in my previous job. If they're curious about them and I think there's a lesson that can be learned and they ask, of course I will answer it. But I think the best thing you can do is just focus on being their dad. If they ask you about it when they're in their teens, what I can tell you from my own personal experience is that they're not going to change their opinion of who you are as their dad. I think they have an understanding of your occupation,

even at 11 years old, trust me. They've been exposed probably at this point to far too much about what your job is and could potentially be. And they've got 11 years of seeing you as their dad. I have no doubt that you're doing an amazing job as their dad. So let that speak for who you are as a person and not what may have happened in the execution of your duties. If they never bring it up, then you know what? I would say put it behind you and move on with your life and allow it to be what it is. A useless metric that has no bearing on who you are as a father, as a man, and who you can be for your kids.

And that's it. I'll see you all in 2022.