Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Full Auto Friday - Round 94

Episode Date: February 25, 2022

Rapid Fire Q and A to finish off the week: 1. How do you deal with significant loss of personal goals or motivation 2. How do I help my friend that has completely lost his way 3. Why do you wear headphones on Friday episodes when no one is in the studio with you 4. My dad is a stubborn son of a bitch, I am worried about his health and I want him to be around for his grandkids Enjoy

Well, it's Friday. Who fancies a brief session of Q&A before the weekend? I do. And that's why we're doing full out of Friday. 94. Here we go. Okay, Kathy, west of the smoke. I'm looking at danger close now. Come on winter, baby. Give it to me. I mean it. You're cleared hot. Coffee, cleared hot. All right. Question number one. For context, around this time last year, I was accepted into the NSW Warrior Challenge program. That's Naval Special Warfare. via the Depp program, delayed entry program, which is a program, at least when I used it when I was joining the military. It basically gives you time from when you sign your enlistment paperwork until you depart for the beginning of your military service. And I believe it can be up to 12 months long.

So this individual was accepted into the Naval Special Warrior Warrior Challenge program via the delayed entry program program. welcome to the military and the foreign language that it absolutely is with the hopes of being a seal set to ship in August of this year so that it had bought him six months six or seven months unfortunately I have since lost that opportunity due to nothing but my own past actions when enlisting I did not disclose a prior arrest arrested at a music festival at 19 for possession of MDMA The case was expunged and sealed, and per discussions with my lawyer, I did not think this needed to be disclosed as I was never convicted. It goes without saying that this came up prior to my ship date, and I was subsequently dropped from the program. I was working a waiver, but current naval special warfare requirements do not allow any recruits to join the Warrior Challenge program who have had a past drug charge, regardless of outcome. from marijuana. Needless to say, this has left me feeling disappointed, frustrated, and in a loss as to how to move forward. Essentially, I feel, and you put this in parentheses, rightfully so, like an absolute failure and have lost a career path that I've been working and training

towards for a couple of years now. I also have two cousins in the Naval Special Warfare community, and I feel like I have let them down. Since being dropped from the program, September of 2021, I have found myself becoming a bit of a recluse, finding no motivation to make it to the gym, go to my jiu-jitsu classes, or really do anything outside of self-loathing after wrapping up my day job, which also doesn't seem to be fulfilling my career hopes, supply chain manager at, I'm not going to say the name, just for anonymity. My question is this. Have you ever dealt with a significant loss of a personal goal, personal motivation? And if so, how did you deal with it? any advice that you may be willing to offer would be greatly appreciated. As a side note, I do have a character attestation letter. I have a character attestation slash letter of recommendation from C&O, Chief of Naval Operations, Admiral Vern Clark.

But have not brought that to the new recruiting office, as I don't know that it would make a difference at this point. And I don't want to use this leverage if it leads nowhere and only smears egg on. the admiral's face for recommending me. Would it this be worth giving a shot? Well, let me start with this. If you never give it another attempt, you're never going to actually know. And I don't know if it would be even remotely possible for there to be egg on anybody's face for writing you a letter of recommendation. It's unlikely, highly implausible that if you go into a recruiter's office and you have this letter and you lay all of this out what you have laid out in this email to me that they are going to somehow try to get a hold of this individual and try to tell

them about who you actually are. So I really wouldn't worry about that. If this individual wrote you a letter of recommendation, that's exactly what it is. They probably wrote it for a reason, probably because they feel like recommending you is the right course of action to take. So maybe then, even if they did get back to him, which I really feel like is damn near an impossibility, and they were tried to portray you as character other than this individual knows you for because they wrote this recommendation, he could say, hey, go fuck yourself. You guys are actually the ones who are in the wrong. So don't worry about that. Use the letter of recommendation for what it is. Is it worth giving it a shot?

I don't know. How important is this to you? So I'm going to jump back. You say, essentially, I feel, and then you put in parentheses, rightfully so, like an absolute failure. I think I was talking about this on the last full out of Friday. The power of negative self-talk and how much of a barrier that we can all put in front of ourselves by the way that we think about and talk about things, specifically to ourselves. The world will do its best to kick you directly in the ball sack enough times in your life that you don't need to sit here and pine over this and get yourself to the place while

you're like, I deserve this. Rightfully so, I feel like an absolute failure because of something that you did that sounds like you regret it at the age of 19 years old. All right? Guess what people do at the age of 19. They do some stupid shit. So don't let that be one event that defines you for the rest of your life and now makes it feel like you cannot ever escape or move on or move past this one instance where you made a poor decision. And I don't know. I mean, I'm not, I don't even actually necessarily. I'm going to have to Google what MDMA is after this. I have no experience with it whatsoever. But I bet you some people are like, oh, you didn't even make a bad decision. I digress. For people who are considering joining the military,

the recruiters are going to ask you questions about your past questions about everything that you have done leading up until you ending up in the recruiters office if you are not completely transparent with them and they find something that goes against what you said specifically something like this yes you are going to get booted i am never going to advocate that somebody lie to a military recruiter. I don't think that that's what you should do because of exactly this example right here. What I'll tell you is, and I've heard this play itself out more than once, about things that happened when you were either a minor or just past it. You know, the case was expunged and it was sealed. I've heard that a few times. Expunged and sealed, you know, as per discussions with your lawyer, I don't know how a lawyer would necessarily confirm that. And I actually don't even know what systems the military looks into when they're doing a background check on potential applicants. But if things were written down and things were put into a system and you were arrested,

what I would say is it's very likely that even though somebody says it's expunged and sealed, that it may actually not be. And I only say that because this is probably the fourth or fifth email that I've received similar to this. but I've also heard it just in day-to-day conversation with people probably a half a dozen times. And I just suspect that there's a reason that it comes up like that. And I suspect that that reason is it still exists in some system somewhere, and the military has access to said system and has the ability to look at it. If you had been honest up front with them about it, you said right here in that first paragraph

that you were working on a waiver, but the requirements do not allow any of your recruits to join this program with a waiver for anything other than marijuana. So you might have disqualified yourself because of something that you did when you were 19 for this one very specific job and career among countless others in the world. That is possible. Another thing I would say is maybe look at something outside of the Warrior Challenge program. And this is where I'm a little bit over my skis because I'm not really aware of the current recruiting pipeline and process. I do know that there are ways that you can apply for buds when you're already in the military, which would be probably outside of the Warrior Challenge program.

I feel like this program is designed for people getting ready to come in who then have a guarantee or a contract to make their way to buds. Maybe that's not going to work due to their wavering process. Maybe you could join the military without that guarantee of the Warrior Challenge program and then compete your way for a slot once you're already in the military, obviously, the Navy specifically. Is that a gamble? Well, first of, I don't even know if that's possible. But if it is, would that be considered a gamble?

Yes, it would. But how much does this actually mean to you? Because if it means to you what I think it does, based off of what you are describing, then you need to exhaust every possible and reasonable opportunity. so you don't look back in your life later on with regret. You're already saying, you know, this has left you feeling disappointed and frustrated and at a loss as to how to move forward. Well, what you may not want to hear, but what might be true is that the only way to move forward would be to put your military goals aside. Because maybe the waivers will change in the future.

Maybe they won't. It may be an avenue that you may never get the chance to actually explore. And you need to noodle on that. And you need to figure out a way and find peace with that you're going to need to set a different goal for yourself. Now, what happens when something that you have wanted for a very long time and worked very hard for a really long time is ripped from you? You feel disappointed. You feel frustrated and your motivation likely goes down. You become a bit of a recluse.

Found no motivation to make it to the gym or go to your jihuita classes or really do. anything outside of self-loathing. Like, I get that. And I also get that your current job doesn't seem to be fulfilling your career hopes. I suspect you're early on in life, and I think it's abnormal for people to find a career early on that fills all of their career hopes and aspirations, and that's okay. I have no math or data to support how many occupations people generally have in their lives. But I bet you it's more than one. I bet you, if I had to guess the average is like six to 12. So don't be too hung up at the current job you have right now because it's not fulfilling all of your goals. And to get directly to your question, have you ever dealt with a significant

loss of a personal goal or personal motivation? And if so, how did you deal with it? I have. I'm trying to think of a concrete example of things that have changed for me in my life. And as far as personal motivation, that's where I'll attack this one for. from. The lowest point of motivation that I've ever had in my life was my divorce. Specifically, I'd say probably the middle of the process. I'm not even getting into the details, but I'll tell you that the process approached 24 months. And one of the hardest things for me was the reduction of everything that I've ever done in my life down to a spreadsheet that had ones and zeros that were then distributed equally or unequally, depends on which side of the

equation that you were on or how you view it, between two people. And in my lowest moments in the divorce process, I would have used a lot of the same words that you used, disappointed, frustrated, at a loss as to how to move forward. I would have described myself as destroyed. broken. Motivation wasn't even a word that I could, that I could even think about. God, it's hard to describe actually the mental state that I was in. An inability to feel both happiness or sorrow, like just a muted emotional response. I would wake up exhausted after a full night's sleep. I would go to bed tired and wake up even more tired. Very unhealthy thoughts. Negative feedback cycle. It was fucking gnarly. So, yeah, I have experienced low moments of personal

motivation. How did I deal with it? The first thing that helped me get through it was the realization that the place that I was in was very, very unhealthy. And absent me taking action, nothing was going to change that. There was nothing that anybody could have done to give me something or it was all on me, it was what I'm trying to say. Like there's no way that somebody was going to coax me out of the place that I was at. I was going to dig myself or I had to dig myself. Actually, before I could even get a shovel, I had to start clawing because the momentum for me,

fuck, it was so heavy going in the other direction. So the first thing I had to do was like stabilize it and then start clawing my way out of where I was. Now for myself, and this is not true of everybody, but I think it's true of a lot of people. If I am not able to be physically active, my mental health absolutely suffers. It sounds to me like you are working very hard at both training and jujitsu or going to the gym combination of all of that prior to this happening. And you've now stopped doing that. So I suspect you might fall into the category of people that I do, where my physical activity is directly tied to my mental health. you have to prioritize your mental health.

You need to identify and pick, even if it's just one thing a day, that you know is going to be beneficial for you. And I'm going to tell you right now, you may not feel like doing it. It may feel like the last thing on earth that you would ever want to do. But since you're already going to the gym or going to jiu-jitsu classes, I would, I'll give you those two choices as a recommendation because you brought them up. pick one of those two both if you can and force yourself to go it will give you a clearer mind if you can exhaust your body and find yourself in a place where you're not worrying about the situation that you're dealing with you're just worrying about the moment that you're in whether it's the set you're doing at the gym or the individual that you just slapped and bumped with at jiu jitsu and you now are

going to focus on that role. Myself personally, I knew that I needed to stay active. So for me, I prioritized going to the gym every day and participating in the jiu-jitsu classes that I had started doing before the divorce. It has had a very profound impact on my life. And it's a very anchoring experience to me, both physically and mentally, probably because the physical aspect and the mental aspect, the mental improvements that I get from that. So even if I didn't want to go, Even if in that moment I didn't give a shit about it, I would force myself to go at least three to five times per week. As I started to realize that positive benefit and I was clawing my way out of it, I would absolutely prioritize those two hours per day. And if I wasn't going to do fuck all else for the rest of the day, I guaranteed that I was going to do those two hours because I was a better person at the end of that.

I could think more clearly. I could think more objectively. and I was making sure that I was healthy. Because if your body goes on you, I'm telling you right now your mind is going to follow and all you're going to do is funnel in on yourself about what it is that you're dealing with. So that is how I personally dealt with low motivation. I allowed the pendulum to swing in the wrong direction and kind of crushed me for a while. And it took a while to first stabilize that and then build it in the other direction.

And as I started feeling better about myself, I started feeling better about the experience that I was going through. as you start feeling better about yourself, I hope that you will start feeling better about the situation that you are dealing with. The loss of one option does not mean that you have lost all others. As a matter of fact, it may actually reorient you and point you in a direction that you never experienced or expected and provide you with more opportunity and options than you ever deemed imaginable. It may not feel like that right now. And that's okay, because we Right now, what you need to do is get through the day and focus on something that's going to make you at least slightly healthier or slightly better. And that's the best advice that I can give you.

Prioritize yourself. Prioritize your mental health via whatever tool that you need to use. And don't give up on that. Because if you do, you can find yourself slipping into these really, really dangerous places. And all the people around you, I guarantee care about you. There's not going to be a damn thing that they can do because at the end of the day, you have to do it for yourself. Question two. I'm reaching out because I need some advice on how to help a friend that I think has completely lost his way.

My friend and I are former service members. We met in the Army and served together for the majority of our time in. Since we both got out and moved back to Tejas, our directions in life have been drastically different. I've moved on to working in the IT space and have found discipline outside of the military by working out regularly, volunteering, and spending time outdoors and practicing BJJJ. My friend, on the other hand, seems to have nose dived in a big way. He used to be super motivated in great shape and filled with tons of passions and interests. Now he is the shell of the man that he used to be.

He works dead-end jobs to get by and spends most of his days in his basement playing video games smoking endless amounts of weed and eating like a trash compactor. Every time I try to get him out of his house to get him to do something, it is met with a resounding no. And he approaches all pursuits now with a what's the point attitude. he has become impossible to motivate. I don't know what has caused this downward decline, as he has told me he is not depressed, nor has he experienced anything in his time in the military that would be causing him any mental anguish. A few months ago, I tried pulling him aside to have a hard conversation about his direction in life

and about his drug usage, but he is in a full defensive mode and it didn't go over well. I want to try talking to him again, but I'm worried it's going to go wrong again. and completely destroy our friendship. I'm stuck. How do I get my friend to want more for himself and stop him from his empathy path he is going down? Or maybe we just have different views on happiness and success. Well, it's possible that you have very different views

on happiness and success. But what I can tell you from my own personal experience is like long-term happiness, health and success doesn't have a whole lot to do with hanging out in your basement playing video games, eating like a trash compactor, turning in, too fat bastard. I don't know that many people that are health compromised or challenged because of those things that are really happy about where they are in life. As a matter of fact, they're often

miserable about where they are in life. And then they often give up because they feel like they're at a place where they can no longer even make a difference. So fuck it. Here we go. Is it possible that your conversation could go wrong again? Yes, it absolutely is. Is it possible you could destroy your friendship? Yes, it is. What I will caution you on is wanting more for somebody than they want for themselves. That is a place where, and if you've ever been in a coaching role, specifically at a gym of any type, and you see people and you want to invest in them and you realize that they're not willing to invest the same amount in themselves, it is so utterly frustrating. And at some point in time, you have to cut the cord because they're never

going to. They are going to allow you to just pour an unlimited amount of energy into them. And what it'll do is actually destroy you and not actually build them up very much. So be cautious with that. You know, I think it's possible that this individual perhaps lost the sense of who they were and they lost their sense of community by getting out of the army. It's not true for everybody, but it can be true for some. But what I'll say to you is this, if you care about your friend and you consider yourself to be a friend to this person, you need to tell him what he needs to hear, not what he wants to hear. and you need to keep chipping away at it and you need to keep trying different approaches until he literally grabs you by the caller and says, leave me the fuck alone.

And if it ever gets to that point, probably try one more time and then consider that he's actually serious and you're going to have to or may have to cut this individual out of your life and move on. But exhaust every option first. You can't motivate somebody else. I mean, I guess you can if they are watching you and the example that you are setting, but that could also have a polarizing effect in the other direction. And they could get to a place where like, well, I'll never be going to be able to achieve that.

So I'm not even going to start. It can be greatly inspirational for some. And it actually can inspire others to not do a damn thing and to avoid those things. But I would continue doing what you're doing. Go talk to them and just try to get them to go out for a walk. Have them meet you out somewhere for dinner. And if you're going to have these conversations again, make sure that this individual understands that you're coming from a place of caring about them.

and not judging them. Make sure if you're comfortable using the terms, say, hey, man, like, I love you. I love you like a brother, and I'm really worried about you. I'm not trying to judge you. I'm not trying to change your life for you, but I want you to know what it is that I'm seeing and how that's making me feel. But try not to make the whole thing based in emotion, try to make it based in logic to the best of your ability.

And the individuals that I have experienced having those conversations with a lot of the time, their response will be very emotional. Now, that doesn't mean that your response has to be, but it means that you might have to bear the brunt of some of their emotional response, and that's okay. What I'll say is don't go tit for tat. Don't escalate. If they're not happy with what that it is that you're saying to them and they want to explode on you a little bit, just take it. Don't get into an argument, maybe end the conversation and bring it up again some other time. In my experience, even after those explosions, these people will often circle back around after they've had some time to digest exactly what was said. And that's actually what's

important. It's not about winning this engagement or conversation or argument. It's about getting your point across. So do it as logically as possible and come from a position of caring and not from a position of judgment. Question three. Curious, why do you wear your headphones during fallout of Fridays. It makes sense when you are talking to somebody else. I figure their voice comes through the headset and vice versa. But for the solo podcast, it seems odd if your own voice is coming through the headset. It's a good question.

That's why I decided to answer this one. It's not odd. There's such a difference in this room and in every studio that I've ever been in when the headset is off versus when it's on. When the headset is off and you're in a room that's acoustically designed, it really absorbs the noise. And it almost, it deadens it. But when you put the headphones on, one, it gives you an idea of the volume with which you're actually speaking and the microphone is picking up. So it allows me to kind of make sure that I'm talking at the appropriate volume.

But it locks you into your thought process and conversation as well because it's concentrated directly in your ears. And I have just found that it's a better way to connect with your guests. But since you asked about Fuller Friday, it's a better way to connect with the questions that I'm being asked. And it just seems like it ties me a little bit closer. So that's why I choose to wear them. I can hear better.

It allows me to real-time track the audio perspective. And yeah, that's it. So not the first time I've gotten that question, but for those of you're asking, that's why. Last question for today. First off, I find the podcast insightful. It is constantly being played through my work days,

and I will be in rotation for as long as you keep posting. And I appreciate that. Thank you. I've been hesitant to reach out and submit a question, but after I listened to the fallout of Friday where you mentioned your father was a mason, all of my anxiety disappeared. My dad, who is the dictionary definition of hardworking,

is also a mason. And I'm curious on your thoughts with regards to an issue that I'm having with him. He, like his dad, is a stubborn son of a bitch when it comes to his health. I wonder, sir, if you are. I suspect you are. That apple often doesn't fall far from the tree.

I'm struggling with him. to start taking it seriously. For some context, my dad, he was raised by two equally stubborn German immigrants. My father and I obviously come from a German lineage as well. Interesting how many German bricklayers and masons there are. My dad was raised by two equally stubborn German immigrants who survived World War II. They always believed if you feel fine, then why go to a doctor? I always shrugged off his views on health care when I was younger because he was always strong as an ox and doesn't drink or smoke. Now that he's older, mid-60s, he's. and still slinging bricks and mortar better than any 20-year-old I know, which is not uncommon.

My dad would have to fucking crush a 20-year-old on a job site. I'm beginning to see the effects on his body from years of physical abuse. My mom shares my view and tries to persuade him, but is met with incredible pushback. He is a calm, collected, and respectful man. But the minute you try to get him to want to see a doctor, he turns into a confrontational asshole. I was wondering if you have any advice in how I can open up these lines of communications with my dad. I love the guy and I want him to have an equally impactful relationship with his future grandchildren as he did with me. Man, this is like my own family we're talking about here.

German bricklayers hardheaded. Of course, I am not hardheaded. I evolved from what my forefathers were in the stump lineage. Or I didn't. Perhaps I could be exactly the same. I have watched my dad smash his finger with a hammer, cut it deep enough that he needed to go get stitches. And the solution to both of those was to get duct tape and wrap it up and then deal with it or not deal with it at a later time. So hardheadedness runs in my family and I think it runs into the brick Mason trade.

It's a hard job. I mean, that job, and I was never a mason. I was a hot carrier for my dad until I joined the military. They put the work in, metaphorically and literally. talking to your dad about this, though. Your dad was raised by hard individuals that didn't feel like they should go to the doctor until they probably were on death's bed. I would say my dad is close to those lines as well. And I would say his parents and his parents' parents certainly were as well.

And I'm going to tie this into the answer that I just gave, the one before the headset. that is, you know, how do you approach somebody, or what is the best way to approach somebody? And it's the same thing with this. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your dad. So it's not like you're sitting there and be like, you know, hey, dumbass or jackass, even though that might be an interesting approach and maybe explore that just to piss him off. So he'll be more receptive to, hey, dad, like, hey, can we go out for beer? Or he doesn't drink.

So never mind. You're not going to go out for beer. You're going to go out for an iced tea. Hey, man, like, let's go get lunch. And if you really want somebody to listen, at least in my experience, if you needed to have this conversation and voice your concerns, you could say after the iced tea has been served, of course, and maybe a shrimp cocktail to pair with that, we're like, Dad, I just want to let you know how much I care about you and I'm worried. You're the strongest person that I've ever been around in my life and you were an incredible role model to me. but I want you to be able to be a role monitor for my kids as well too. And I'm starting to see a little bit of the wear and tear based off of how you live your life from this occupational perspective.

And I just want to let you know that I'm concerned. And I think that, you know, it might be at least a good idea to maybe go and like say you have something that you wanted to have him get checked out or whatever your end state may be. Tie it in through that lens. You know, confrontational topics don't have to be approached from a confrontational perserk. perspective. You know, there's the honey approach and then there's the dog shit approach. I guess they both, you could end up being covered in both, you know, depending on which way you wanted to go. I can say there's one that's necessarily right or wrong, but you're going to draw people more to you with honey than you are with dog shit. As I guess the point I'm trying to say. So talk to your dad

and express your feelings. Again, not from a judgmental perspective. I think I look at my own children. So I flip this. When I get emails like this, I'll flip it. And I am hardheaded for sure. But you know what would crack me in a heartbeat is if one of my kids came to me and said, Dad, like, I love you so much. And I'm worried. I care for you so deeply.

And I'm worried about what I see. And I'm worried that maybe you aren't seeing it. But I want to make sure you around longer. I want you in my life. I want you to be an important and impactful person person in my life and in my kids' life. Like, there's no way. then I'm not going to pay attention to that from my kids. If it gets heated, just leave it and come back from a different perspective, from a different angle, right?

Like change your approach, one degree. And if it gets heated, come back. But whatever you do, don't stop. That's my advice. Find a way to get your point across and make sure that this man, who's been a great influence on your life, is around so you can do the same thing for your grandkids. And that's all I got for this Friday.