Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Hijackings and Healing Scars

Episode Date: July 7, 2023

In this episode, we venture into the unknown with a fresh batch of listener-submitted questions. From an intense hypothetical scenario on a hijacked plane to the deep-seated struggles of a combat veteran adjusting to civilian life, this episode focuses on crisis response, resilience, and recovery. Sign up for the new G14 newsletter here: https://www.clearedhotpodcast.com/exclusive Check out the newest Cleared Hot Gear here: https://shop.clearedhotpodcast.com/  

Oh, hey, everybody. What's going on? Ready for a little Q&A, because I certainly am. Before I forget, I would be remiss not to mention because I literally have been hounded over the last year to make some more Jiu-Jitsu rash guards. Tomorrow is your day. Actually, that is not correct. I am filming this the day before it comes out. So today, if you are listening to this, which is the 7th of July at noon Mountain Standard Time. Mountain Daylight Time. I don't know which one's correct. Nobody actually knows. A new rash guard is coming out. If you're a jiu-jitsu player, if you have a jiu-jitsu player in your life that wants a rash guard, that is fucking awesome. Go to shop.com. Dot clear to hotpodcast.com. At noon today, Montana time, it'll be out. That is all. Shall we Q&A? All right. Let's Q&A. I'm looking at danger close now. All right, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're back. It's Friday. It's Q&A. I have two for today. One a little bit lighter, one a little bit deeper.

Let's start light and deep. Subject line of this email, motherfuckers on a plane. You had me at hello. Andy, question for you. There is now a new show called Hijack with Idris Elba about a hijacked plane with four hijackers that have guns. If you were on this plane, what would you do, given your background? just curious how you would approach this type of situation. Some of you may be asking yourself, why would I pick this question? Because honestly, I view this question with a little bit of, I'm assuming there was some humor involved with sending it in. So it's a little bit of a lighthearted question.

And I picked it because it's a topic that I think is important to discuss, not hijacking. What I'm talking about is somebody who has the military. background that I do, or the special operations community, or just the military in general. I don't care what you did for a living while you were in uniform. And for people out there who have never had the chance to serve, they never had the desire to serve, whatever it may be. They don't interface with a lot of people who did serve in the military. The simplest way that I think I can say this, and the reason that I chose this question, is that it is important for people to realize that whatever your job title may have been, you don't actually get a cape and a shield to go with it.

The people that I served with at the highest levels were exceptionally common individuals. In many ways, they were exceptionally average. They were just asked at times to do exceptionally uncommon things and things that the average person would have a really difficult time understanding. But there's no superpower that is associated with that. There are no superhuman capabilities that comes with the beret, the pin, whatever regalia. that you may identify with because of the job that you came from. If I'm on a plane that has four people who are armed that are hijacking it, there is not much that I can do that anybody else couldn't do.

And this also highlights the point for me. I know that, anecdotally, in my own experience, I have heard far too many people say, And I'm talking about the relationship between a couple, a husband and wife in this instance, where the wife has said directly and in roundabout ways that as long as they are with their husband, who came from a special operations background, that everything is going to be okay. And it's not true because of what I've already mentioned. There's no cape. There's no hammer. There's no shield. you're just a person at the end of the day.

And math is a really real thing on paper and in person. You could be the most capable mixed martial artist fighter on earth. There is a number of people that you could be approached with and attacked by that I don't care what your skill level is. They are going to overwhelm you. you could be the most high-speed gun slinger on the face of the planet and there are situations whether it be mathematical in size or mathematical in angle and elevation where i don't care how good you are you are at a tactical disadvantage and the best thing that you could likely do would be to fight your way to your death and the hopes that it would have a better outcome for other people

And that in this situation on an airplane is really probably only the only option that anybody actually has. If you were given the option of sit in your seat and fly into a building at 600 miles an hour or get out of your seat and potentially get shot and bleed to death in an incredibly painful manner, that in the end, because of your actions may be able to, impact the outcome for the greater good, which one would you take? I would take the latter because at least I had some semblance of choice and control, but it doesn't really matter what I used to do for living. It's not going to probably change the outcome, especially if I'm by myself. If I had a fire team with me and we had the ability to communicate and coordinate and maybe we could launch into action at a time that would be advantageous for us and disadvantageous for others.

Maybe it would change the outcome, but probably not. I think your only choice in a situation like this, using the hypothetical situation from the obviously made up TV show would be to do your best to overwhelm one of these, if not all of these individuals, and hopefully take their gun away from them, kill them with it or at least render it unserviceable. I have no idea. I've never watched this show. I don't know if these are pistols or rifles.

I actually think you have a better chance of closing the distance and removing the usability of a rifle than you do a pistol because you can pin it up against their body. You can wrap your arms around them because the barrel length is so much longer you can restrict who it could actually be aimed at. But I don't have any special tricks for this. I don't think anybody does. I think the best. best thing that you could do would be to pick the time that you initiate your action and hopefully

recruit as many people as possible with you to take that action and then hope for the best and just realize you're probably going to die. But maybe in your attempt to change the situation, it would motivate and inspire others to take action as well. And at some point, the odds are going to shift into your favor and it can be a tsunami crushing these individuals and hopefully maybe it could change the impact or the outcome. Are people going to get hurt and killed? Oh, fuck yeah. Are you probably going to be one of them if you initiate it? Yes, without a doubt. Are you willing to make that choice? That's for you to decide. But again, why did I choose this question? I don't take it with a whole level of seriousness because we're talking about a TV show in a hypothetical situation. I picked

it because to hammer this point home, it doesn't matter what you used to do for a living. You're not a superhuman individual. And I don't think anybody should view anybody else as this superhuman individual. That is not the way that the world works. DC and Marvel movies are for entertainment purposes only, not educational. So what can you do, though, since you can't be superhuman? Well, you can be the best version of a human possible. You could train with your hands, with tools, you could seek out difficult things to develop your resilience. You could find yourself in artificially stressful situations, whether that's scenario-based training, whether that's going and slapping hands with somebody on a jiu-sitsu mats or touching gloves with somebody in a boxing

ring. You can harden yourself. You can expose yourself to stress into violence. So if you encounter those situations, you'll likely perform better. But I'm sorry to tell you, at the end of every one of those pathways or pipelines, whatever it may be, there's no cape, no shield, no hammer. So I wish I had something for you on this one. The real answer is, I would do the best I could and hope that it changed it for other people. That's it. A little darker, shall we? Here we go.

A little bit longer. Question here. I'm going to have to break this one up into pieces, at least, when I answer. So here we go. I'm writing to you because I have been introduced to your podcast within the past three years, as my husband is an avid supporter, and I believe perhaps if he hears this from you, it may potentially help our situation, as you are a very big influence on his daily life. My husband is a combat veteran of the 101st,

airborne division and did two tours in Afghanistan. He lost his best friend beside him in an IED incident, improvised explosive device incident which left him with a TBI, traumatic brain injury, and burn scars that he carries as proudly as he did the flag on his arm. I am writing because I am seeking guidance on how to help him regain his footing in civilian life, if that's even the proper term. For context, it has become a weekly ritual of overindulgence in substance to cope with the loss or with his loss of career, loved ones, and overall sense of self since he has returned home 10 years ago. He enlisted right out of high school and devoted his life like many men and women do to serving our country. I am trying to aid him in finding the appropriate avenue

for his continuing amounts of anger and downright devastating and overwhelming feelings of outright rage and frustration. As you could surmise, given my husband's injuries, he was honorably discharged and since then, and since then had not seemingly forgiven himself for the things that happened the day his life changed forever, no matter how out of his control they were. I'm trying in every possible way to get through to him as we have cried, screamed, and all but lost ourselves to this insurmountable amount of anguish he carried with him daily for all these years. Where and how can I be a better wife and a better partner to help guide him to a healthier means or to a healthier means of outlet? We are very active. We spend every waking moment while not on the clock in the woods, on the water, doing things that are physically and men.

mentally taxing. He devotes multiple days a week to training, even days where he has been in excruciating weather conditions. He does not falter with his training. His military career and his dedication to it still have not wavered. Early on in our relationship, being less knowledgeable about any of his experiences, I suggest that he speak to someone about his time while active. help to speak to someone about anything that would help. He has opted not to seek help in that regard. However, the fork in the road that has led me to riding you has been a very dark and wavering path. I am concerned about his overall mental and physical health and the deteriorating man I see standing before me.

His work life has suffered from the substance abuse and has his family life. has his family life. We are all watching as the strongest person we know and love self-destructs. I am writing this at 4 a.m., because tonight was the night this week, perhaps one of a few, that he succumbed to his anger and found solace and refuge in a bottle. My question is, where can I, as his wife and protector, if at all possible, find a way to help him through this? I'm not jaded, and I know that each and every one of us, us has free will. And with that comes the decision to make any and all changes necessary for

growth and being self-aware is absolutely part of that process. But how do I, knowing all that he has been through and lost, help to guide him towards a safer and healthier avenue for his grief? I'm hoping that you see this, and I'm hoping that if nothing else he hears, or I'm hoping that if nothing else, he someday hears this and knows that his family is in, desperate need of him, and we would all greatly appreciate any guidance you have for us. Okay, there's a lot here. I'm going to start with this. Your husband's a very lucky man.

Your husband is a very lucky man that he has somebody in his life who cares about him as much as you do. I have known quite a few people who don't fit this description exactly, but they fit this description broadly. And they don't have somebody in their life who expresses the love, affection, desire to protect, care, and willingness to navigate the difficulties and complexities that not only do we all face in our own life, but the additional complexities that can come from service in the military during a time of war. He should be counting his fucking lucky stars.

And I hope he has some level of realization just how lucky he is to have somebody like you. I have not seen it go well for most of the people that I know that don't have somebody like that in their life to support them. It truly is unique. Having said all of that, it is not your job to help your husband. It is your husband's job and responsibility to do two things. Let go of the past. Secondly, deal with any of the residual issues that still exist due to his experience in the past. Survivor's guilt is a real thing.

I think one of the issues that can scramble people's brains overseas is the absolute and complete lack of control that you have over the situation. You could be the most trained individual that the military has ever seen, the most capable individual that the military has ever seen. And you could have bad luck. And you could get absolutely vaporized by an IED. And when that happens to somebody that you deeply care about or that you deeply respect, you will find yourself in moments asking yourself, why them and not me. And I don't think it is because you actually want to switch positions with that person. I think it is because the mind cannot understand how something so horrendous could happen to somebody who was so prepared, so trained and so ready, willing, and able to accept the responsibility of their job.

the friends of mine who I view in that same way whose lives were lost, it's shattering to your confidence because if you put them on a pedestal to any degree and that can happen to them, what in the fuck is going to stop it from happening to you? And you're left alive and they're gone. and it is, I think, completely natural to have some level of survivors' guilt associated with that. I hope your husband hears this. And if you can, please force him to. And if he only listens to one part of it, please make it the following.

for your husband to the person who is tightly with a white knuckle grip holding on to the person that they used to be in the past, who is suffering from survivor's guilt, looking for refuge and solace in a bottle. And let's address this right now. There is no refuge and there is no solace in a bottle because it might modify your thought process and headspace for a short period of time, but you are exactly the same person when you wake up in the morning, maybe worse off due to the actions that you took in an inebriated state, but it doesn't fix anything. And it's not even a Band-Aid. I actually think, I don't know the term for the medical device that you would use for this,

but it's one of those devices that you actually, like when there's a cut or a hand-a- an incision, you insert it in and it starts opening the wound. You know, it makes it worse. It exposes it even more. It can make it even more raw. It's insidious and it'll destroy your life if you continue down this path. There is no refuge and solace to be found in this bottle. But to this person who feels guilty for still being alive, how would you feel? And I'm not a religious person by any stretch, but I'm going to use, I guess, a partial an analogy that may have some religious connotations. At the end of your life, you get to the end of your track, your lap, your lap around the track. At the end, when you stand before whoever or whatever is going to judge you, this

individual that was killed next to you is there. And before you're judged, you have to say, you have to stand there and explain to this person who gave up every single one of their tomorrows so that you could live every one of your todays in any manner that you wanted to. You have to explain to this person how you lived your life, how you behaved, the actions that you took. How did you honor their sacrifice? Or did you honor it? Or did you use it as an excuse to fucking auger in because you refuse to address the issues that appear to be evident to just about everybody else in your life that cares about you? Be a tough conversation. It might be an impossible conversation.

And my question to you is, if you feel guilty about the sacrifice that they made, why the fuck are you living your life the way that you are right now? You have a wife that cares deeply about you. You apparently have a job. I'm assuming you have a social circle. You have some level of dedication in your life. Your wife said that your training doesn't falter. I'm going to make an assumption here, though, that you are trying to use training and physical exhaustion and exertion as an excuse not to deal with what's going on in between your ears, which is actually the muscle that matters the most. and probably the one that you need to be exercising to the most thorough degree.

But what does that sacrifice? What does that sacrifice actually mean through the lens of how you are choosing to live your life? I get it. Survivor's guilt is as real as it gets. But you survived. The person who was killed, they don't have a choice. They never have a choice in the matter other than obviously choosing to join the military unless they were drafted. and we can admit that that shit hasn't happened in decades.

I'm not saying anybody volunteers to get killed. What I'm saying is most people know what they are getting themselves into when they join the military. It is a potential consequence that all of us probably think could never happen to me. But we realize it's a consequence of that job in and of itself. What does it mean? What does any of it mean if you are going to allow something that happened a decade ago to still be governing your behavior today. My answer to that would be his sacrifice didn't mean that much to you if you're choosing to live your life the way that you are. And that might be really tough

to hear. And my answer to that would be good. I'm glad it's tough because you're fucking up right now. And what you're dealing with is not unique. It is not something that can't be overcome. It is not something that you cannot work your way through and be a better version of yourself on the other end of that journey. But nobody can do it for you. You have to 100% do it for yourself. I do believe in the power of therapy. I've talked about it many times. Do I believe it's magic? No, it's not a Harry Potter wand. And would that get you all the way to where you need to be? I don't know. What is the risk in trying? So for the husband, let me ask you a question. How much do you love your wife? How much do you love your family? Do you love them enough to change your behavior?

before they leave you? And a question for the wife that I would ask. How much of this are you going to tolerate? Six more months? A year? You're going to let him lose his job? How about if he starts treating his children poorly? How about if he starts getting in physical altercations

and law enforcement starts getting involved? Five more years? Ten more years? You want to live the rest of your life with a partner who's in the bottle talking about things that happened in the early 2010s. How about in 2040, 2050, 2060? Is that what you want your life to be? How far are you willing to let this go before you put your foot down?

My recommendation to you as the spouse is that you need to draw a line in the sand. And you need to call this person's bluff. In a moment where they are not incapacity, in any way. By that, I mean, they need to be stone cold sober because these conversations do not stick when somebody wakes up after a bender and is like to feel like the worst that they've ever felt in their life. I'm like, oh, I'm going to change everything. No, no, you're fucking not. I would sit down and explain to this person how much you care about them, what they mean to you and what you are willing to do if they don't change their behavior. Now, obviously, in

that conversation also explain what you are willing to do if they agree to work towards changing their behavior and fixing the problems that you have brought to me in this email. Somebody being receptive to feedback and actually modifying their behavior from that feedback, I have nothing but time for people like that. They listen and then they act upon what they have heard. I have almost no time for people who, hear you but aren't listening and refuse to change their behavior or go back to doing exactly what they were doing before after they just asked you for and received advice.

Fuck right off into the sunset. I have no time for that because they're not willing to actually change their behavior. But if this person cares about you in the same way that you care about them, there should be nothing that they are unwilling to do to change their behavior. And if that is the case, then there should be nothing that you would be unwilling to do to support them along that journey. But you had better hold them accountable. And I'm telling you right now, step number one, put the fucking booze down.

Nothing good or positive is going to come from this until alcohol is removed from the situation. For the reasons, I've already spent too much time talking about. There's no solace. There's no refuge in the bottle. Actually can lead you to very depressive states, depending on who you are. It's a depressant to begin with. So it's not like the headspace while consuming alcohol is probably going to be positive for this individual. for the husband.

Your wife describes your military career and your dedication to it as having still not wavered. I would disagree. I think an objective look at your behavior and what you have allowed your experience to drive your behavior towards. Viewed through the neutral tone of voice of a court reporter or the neutral tone of voice on a blank piece of paper where only your actions are written out. and described would be a disgrace to your prior service. And I know that's hard to hear, and it's fucking hard to say. Because I appreciate anybody who has ever raised their hand and put this nation's flag on their uniform, regardless of what it is that they wanted to do or what they did with

their service. Peace time, wartime, everything in between, I don't fucking care. The baseline level of respect that I have for that, I don't have the vocabulary to articulate. but it needs to mean something. And people view those who serve this country through a different lens than those that didn't. And they should. They should be held to a higher standard. Do your actions and behaviors meet that bar?

Do they meet that standard? They don't. And nobody can change it except for you. So I wish I could walk you through a. step by step of things that will lead you out of this path of darkness that you probably feel like you are in. But I can't because in my own experience, I watched situations have a huge impact on somebody and then somebody else who was there during that same situation and have almost no impact.

It makes, it doesn't need to make sense to me. I've tried to make sense of it. I don't understand it. People's varying levels of degree. dealing with stress and experiences in their life. Some can be stronger because of it immediately. Some are damaged immediately, and then they heal and become stronger, and some are destroyed.

Very few people, though, very few people are not salvageable. And I don't believe that you're not salvageable. So what you have in front of you is a really long road to walk. The first step I'll give you, and I already gave you, to put the fucking bottle down. If you are not willing to put a bottle down, you don't deserve the wife that wrote this email. And for the wife, if he doesn't agree to put the bottle down, or if he does and then you catch him drinking again, I would suggest that you leave. Because his actions and behavior are showing you what he cares about and what he doesn't care about. I think together, just based on this email,

You are already statistically so far out of the norm having somebody so willing to support you. You have to look into the mirror and put down at least for a moment the level of guilt that you are feeling for still being alive and realize and recognize that you're actually worth and worthy of the sacrifice of your friend. the only way that you will realize that though is if you're able to do something with it and that's where i would start and that's where i'll leave everybody on this friday a little bit dark but we're out of here see you on monday