Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Life's Crossroads - From Deployments to Heartbreak

Episode Date: July 28, 2023

Question 1 is from an active-duty father of four girls, torn between his duty and the family he loves. How do you balance the demands of military life with the needs of his daughters, especially as he faces an upcoming deployment? Next, an email from a listener who's facing a series of personal and professional blows that have left him feeling defeated. His story is a reminder of life's unpredictable twists and turns. Lastly, the tackle the topic of heartbreak. Advise for a recent breakup and navigating through the grief process.  Sign up for the new G14 newsletter here: https://www.clearedhotpodcast.com/exclusive Check out the newest Cleared Hot Gear here: https://shop.clearedhotpodcast.com/  

Well, welcome back, everybody. It's Friday. Time for some Q&A. Let's get into it. Full Auto Friday number, who knows what? Here we go. Oh, hey, everybody. Welcome back.

Before we get into the questions today, I realized the damn near every Friday, like these questions are super heavy. And oftentimes, people are not asking about the best experiences. of their life. So it weighs on me a little bit. Like I feel bad for people in the situation that they're in and then I'm stuck. I'm not stuck. I'm willingly answering their questions. It's like, God damn, a little bit heavy. So maybe we should do an episode that at least is not as heavy. That's what I was thinking for today. So getting a bunch of questions because hunting season is coming

up. People are asking me about my plans and whether or not I still bow hunt or I only rifle hunt. And so I figured I would start with that before we get into our questions today, which I love or I would love to say that just super light and flowery and fluffy. So let's talk hunting season real fast. September, October is the sweet spot for Montana in a lot of the western Rocky Mountain states. Idaho, Wyoming, Montana. I don't really know much about Colorado, but I suspect just given the cycles of the animal life being in the rut in the later part of the year. I'm sure it's pretty much the same. So rifle or bow?

Yes is the answer. Which one is my favorite? Man, I enjoy things about both of them. I would say bow hunting is my absolute favorite. What I don't, I was going to say I don't like. What's tougher for me about bow hunting is time allocation. I love shooting my bow. It is certainly therapeutic in many different.

ways. It's just something really cool to focus on. You can see your improvements. You can see when you make mistakes. I like messing around with the gear, which I guess overlays to rifles as well, too, because you can always tinker with your stuff and find better things. But if I had unlimited time, I would only bow hunt because it is so goddamn challenging and the interactions that you have with animals at that distance, they're so cool. That's not the reality of my life. So, I try to at least have a bow hunt per year. But if you push me into a corner, and by that I mean,

I push myself into a corner because I'm not being successful, and I need to fill the freezer. I'm going to get the boomstick out, and I'm going to drop the first goddamn thing that I see. I've been pretty vocal about this ever since I started hunting. I'm not a trophy hunter by any stretch. Nothing against being selective with an animal that you would want to go after

because you want to have something cool hanging on the wall. I appreciate that stuff just as much as anybody else probably does. And go get it if that's what you're into. For me, I love being able to source the vast majority of the protein that I eat throughout an entire year. It's amazing the stuff that you can have created from an animal, whether it's like breakfast sausage with maple inside of it, burgers, steaks, roasts, whatever you're into. I really like the ability to do that. And I also like the ability to donate meat to my friends as well, friends and family, and do that for them. I think it's just cool.

So for me, what I absolutely need is to fill the freezer, which is why if you give me limited time, I'm going to pick a rifle. People are always going to ask, what rifle are you going to go with? So let's just go ahead and answer that one to begin with. I have always been a fan of a 300 windbag. I shoot exclusively. Christensen Arms Rifle is the one I have right now is I have a ridge line in three. 300 Wimag and it's a ridge line in 300 PRC. I think I'm going to go with the PRC again this year.

And I'm pretty sure my business partner is going to go with the straight 300 WMag. Very similar. Probably defined more by their similarities than their differences. I love the Ridgeline platform. And of course, you know, I'm going to put a suppressor on the end of that because I'm a gentleman. And I don't like having to wear ear pro. And also, when you miss, and let's have an aside here, anybody that tells you that they don't miss is what's known. as a liar. So when you do miss and the animal just doesn't bolt off because it doesn't sound

like the Civil War kicking off in a valley or the area that you might be in, it'll probably net you a second opportunity at that animal, which I think is very cool. So that's my plan for this year. I know I have at least two tags that I'm going to have an opportunity on. One of them is specifically for Bow. The other one, I'm going to go specifically for rifle because I have limited time, but I cannot wait to be able to do those things. And it always seems like every year hunting season ends. You're like, oh, my God, it's never going to come back again. It's going to be so long until the next year. And you know what? Here we are. Got my first tags. It's not August yet, but it's getting close. But as soon as August is over, September is here. And then it's game on. And the animals kind of know it, too. It's like they have an outlook alert in their calendar. And they're like, meh, time to go hide in the woods. So game on. That's what I got planned. That's what I'm looking forward to. That's a positive start to this fallout of Friday. Let's get into the questions. Here we go. Hey Andy, long-time listener, first-time writer. I was wondering if you'd be able to give some advice on heartbreak and what steps you took to navigate through the grief process.

The girl I was dating for six months decided she wanted to take a break because she was not on the same page in the relationship that I was in and it sucks. I grew to love her and would do practically anything for her. Just want some input on how you would traverse these territories. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Keep up the great work and awesome conversations you bring us. each week. All right. So here's the deal. Here's what you're going to do. You are going to find the outfit that makes you confident and when you look in the mirror makes you feel like a million bucks. You're going to dress yourself up to the nines. You are going to go to the flower shop.

you are going to get a nice bouquet of flowers, not roses, grow the fuck up, right? Let's be a little bit more creative. You're going to make a reservation at like the nicest place possible where you live. You're going to set up this amazing opportunity. And what you're going to do is find. this woman and you're going to go fuck her mom. That's right. You're going to get revenge.

You are going to go above her head. If her mom's not available, go fuck her sister. If her sister isn't available or is not interested, you could take this to the absolute top shelf next level. And by that I mean you're going to go fuck her brother. Checkmate. That's right. What's she going to do then?

I don't know, but she'll never forget you. And that's what we're going for here. Because she's moved on and it's time for you to move on as well. Now, obviously I'm joking. Or am I? I leave that up to you, the listener or the viewer. But clearly I am. Hey man, heartbreak sucks.

Would you rather have had her make this decision a year into this or 18 months into this or two years into this? The answer to that is, of course, no. I don't know how old you are, but I'm going to suspect you are on the younger end. Because six months, although it can be a very long time, in the grand scheme of things, six months into a relationship, you're still kind of in the honeymoon phase. And if it's not going to work out in the first six months, I don't think it's a bad thing that she decided that you guys were on a different page.

So as much as this does suck, and as much as you may want to chase this woman down or get her back or have some level of revenge. My advice to you is just to do the exact opposite of what I actually initially and jokingly recommended. Letter B, let her be with the realization that there are more fish in the sea and not all relationships are destined to be successful. You learn a lot through heartbreak and I don't think that there is really any advice that I can give you that is meaningful other than just give it time. Nothing lasts forever. And that's something that's kind of a, I don't know where I heard it from.

And I don't know why I started telling myself that. And it's a little bit of a double-edged sword. And I'll tell you why. When things are really shitty for me, I will just tell myself and remind myself that nothing lasts forever. And the realization that regardless of how bad I feel in that moment, knowing that it will end or that it is going to get better, even if it gets worse first.

It's a good thing. It's also, it steals a little bit of your enjoyment, or I guess it could potentially steal a little bit of your enjoyment when you're at the top of the sine wave, and you remind yourself, hey, nothing lasts forever. Nobody bats a thousand forever, regardless of how many hits they've had in a row. I don't care how many times you throw dice in a Vegas casino. Eventually you will throw a seven.

And that's just the way that things are. But it's a good way to remember that things are going to get bad in your life, things are going to get good in your life, but you're probably going to find yourself down the middle of the road most of the time. You just don't find yourself there right now. But if you give it enough time, you will. And I would say, do the best you can to work on yourself. Instead of, you know, thinking about the woman who made the decision that she doesn't want to be with you,

If it's making you feel like shit, go out and do something with that. Use that as a motivation to work on yourself and to become the best version of yourself that you can possibly be. So when that woman does come around, that is on the same page as you are, and you realize, man, the heartbreak that I've gone through earlier in my life actually gave me a better understanding of what it is that I'm looking for in a relationship, what it is that I'm willing to tolerate in the relationship, what it is that I don't want, what it is that you need. need to avoid at all costs, the boundaries that you need to set, the type of communication that you want to have, the open and honest communication. A lot of that stuff, understanding what you don't want to have happen again comes through heartbreak. So it doesn't have to be viewed negatively. And it really truly is an opportunity for you to work on yourself. And that is absolutely what I would recommend. And if given the opportunity, like I said, go fuck her brother.

She's not going to see it coming. I tell you that right now. He may not either. You know, who knows where it's going to go. Moving on. So last Friday, I was cooking dinner for my girlfriend and myself. While I was smoking her steaks, a sheriff rolled up and served me papers that I was getting sued. I'm 31, and this was new to me. $2,500, not a lot of money to some people, but it's a lot to me. An hour later, she dumped me. And then on Monday, I found out I was getting paid $5K less a year than promised,

a job that I'm very good at and have been at for a while. Just pretty spent and tired. I work at every morning, spend time with friends, and make a point to have time. for my hobbies, but I'm still just defeated by all of this, and I'm not sure what to do to pull up. Have you felt like that? And any advice to climb out of this? Man, my advice, excuse me, I'm going to start with where I ended the last question. Nothing lasts forever. This sucks. And I'm sorry that you're going through this, but five years from now, 10 years from now, 20 years from now, you may look at this as a seminal moment in your life where it changed the

trajectory of where you were going to go or where you thought that you were going to go. And you may look at things like this as a blessing in disguise, even though that's not what it looks like right now. I don't know what you got sued for, but I'm going to tell you if your girlfriend broke up with you an hour later and she kind of like timed it, probably not intentionally, but couldn't find the decency to maybe give it a day before breaking up with you once you had already received bad news, then fuck that lady. You know, it's, we're all going to receive information in our life that is other than awesome. We're all going to have things happen to us in life that we don't have any control over. And let's say that you have, you know, assuming you're not in an abusive relationship.

Let's start with that. Like if there is no imminent threat to yourself, emotionally, physically, and you're with, somebody who's having a horrendous day or have something happened to them, find it in yourself to be a little bit empathetic and maybe like have the second shoe drop the next day. You know, the whole, let's just rip it all off, the Band-Aid off in one day because it'll be easier for them to deal with, not necessarily the case. And what would you want to be on the receiving end of? I'm not saying I would want bad information like titrate it out over a week for me in my

personal life. But God damn, you know, everybody has a point where it's a little bit too much and just be empathetic of the people that you are around. So I don't know why she chose to do it that day or at that time, but fuck that lady. So what else? How do you climb your way out of this? Incrementally is the answer. If you've listened to the podcast, you know what I'm going to say. You need to keep your world as small as possible. The single most difficult thing that I've ever done in my life was go through a divorce. People think, oh, seal training must have been super hard. And it was physically, I guess. You want to talk about emotional psychological warfare that can destroy who you

think you are as a person and make you question your value to the world in general. Divorce will puts you right in that spot. And there are days where I swear to God it felt like the gravity had tripled in its ability to hold me down to the couch or not even get out of bed. And the only thing that you can do when it gets to that point is reduce the lens that you view time through. If you start looking at it like, oh my God, how long can I feel like this for? You're trending in the wrong direction. Don't think in the big picture.

Think in the smallest increment of time humanly possible that you can so that you can make it through that increment of time and take these micro steps that's going to make a maximum level of improvement or success. Chunk your day. Set a goal that you know that you can achieve. It doesn't need to be a big goal. And maybe that goal is, hey, I'm just going to go and make it to dinner tonight.

Or I'm going to make myself healthy meals. Or I'm going to get up at a certain hour. I'm going to make my bed, clean my room. Fill in the blank. There are no right or wrong answers to this. It's just a matter of chunking your time and then controlling your thought process so you don't get overwhelmed with the totality. of what's going on around you.

All of these things that you talked about, you're going to work your way through that $2,500. Maybe you're going to get paid $5K less a year. Maybe you'll end up leaving that job and it's going to lead you to a job where you're going to make $50,000 more per year. I've said this many times and I'll say it again. We're not responsible for the things that happened to us,

but we are responsible for how we deal with it and what we do with it. Just because somebody yells at you or is a complete piece of shit to you, if you turn around and you pass that on to somebody else, that's not the other person's fault. That's your fault. And you have to take ownership of yourself and your reactions to what happens in the world around you.

I've said the same thing about trauma. You're not responsible for your trauma, but you are 100% responsible for your healing and your growth and what you do with that trauma. So climb out of this on a ladder that has rungs that are spaced apart just enough so you can keep climbing. Maybe every once in a while, one of those micro rungs is going to break free. And that is okay, as long as you don't fall off the ladder. So don't think big picture. Think small picture. Get through each and every day.

And I promise you, just like I said to the previous email, nothing lasts forever. And you will probably look back on this, like I said, as a moment in your life where your life changed course. And I bet you it's for the better. Last question for the day. Longtime listener, first time caller. I've been listening to your podcast since early 2018. and have enjoyed the variety of people that you choose to bring on the show, whether those people are outdoorsmen, military, law enforcement, or otherwise.

I think I can speak for most in saying there's been a lot of value you've brought to the podcast world. Well, I'm glad that you feel that way. It makes me want to keep doing it. I've heard many times in the course of your show's history, a comment that on your last deployment you kissed your daughter in her crib before you left. And that has always resonated with me in one way or another. I am a father to four girls, three stepdaughters and one biological, with our oldest being 10 and our youngest being 18 months old.

I guess my question to you, and maybe it's less of a question and more of advice, is how do you handle that? Broadly speaking, those deployments become easier for you or did it become increasingly more difficult? I've been active duty for over 10 years, and my last deployment to Afghanistan didn't seem like it bothered me that much. My wife and I had been married 32 days when I left and I was just becoming a father. Our youngest was born a year after I came back from there. But with my upcoming deployment, I'm finding that I struggle much more with the reality of leaving my daughters behind in a manner similar to what you've previously experienced. I've always loved deploying and going TDY around the world, but I'm starting to wonder if that will create long-lasting harm for the relationships that I have. I also struggle with the thought that my daughter won't know who I am when I return.

What are your overall thoughts knowing what you know and having had similar experiences? Great question. So in my answer, I can only speak for myself. So I'm only going to be speaking from my own experiences and my own opinion. I don't speak for anybody else and I don't want to broadly seem like I'm speaking for a community or group of people. I personally found it to get harder as my children got older because my relationship with my children was maturing and getting deeper, getting more complex, probably due to the fact that they were actually able to communicate with me versus, you know, kissing somebody goodbye in a crib.

You know, you can make eye contact and anybody who's a parent understands the level of connection and how it increases over time is the relationship can increase in change over time, change for the better. It got harder, the older and older that they got. Are you going to be? Are you going to to create long-lasting harm for the relationships that you have with your children. Maybe. Maybe not. It really depends on how much you can devote and dedicate to that relationship when you're home and not TDY and not on deployment.

And I would say the bigger question for you is, how much longer do you want to be a full-time soldier and a part-time father? And it sucks to say that, but that's the truth of somebody who is in the military and deploying. Your full-time mill, part-time dad. For some people, they want to live their entire life or they feel comfortable living their entire life that way. And for other people, myself included, that's not what I wanted. And that sucks because they both tug at you for very different reasons. You know, you might get a sense of purpose and fulfillment from your job that you may not have, especially as a father early on, because

kids, quite frankly, need their mom much more than their dad early on, not to say that they don't need their dad, but it's where they're getting their food from, you know, assuming, I guess, that you're breastfeeding or your wife is breastfeeding. But the bond I found between child and mother is super strong right out of the gate. And I think with dads, it grows a little bit more over time. Some people get to a place where they're like, you know what? Fuck this. It's time to be full-time dad and get rid of the TDIY aspect or temporary duty, the deployment aspect of that. And others don't. And I'm not going to say there's pros and cons. I'm sorry. I'm not going to say it's right or wrong. I'll only talk in terms of pros and cons. If you're not in your child's life

and you are gone for extended periods of time often, yes, I think the likelihood of having not necessarily a damaged relationship, but a different relationship increases the more that you are gone. You have to find the balance. Can you take it to the point where it breaks? your relationships? Yes, you absolutely can, but I think that's on the extreme end. And at the end of the day, what I think your question comes down to, and I think the question that you should ask yourself is which one is more important to you? There's a lot of jobs out there, regardless of what you do in the military, regardless of what you do in the civilian world, it's what you do, it's not who you are. The military just has different requirements, especially from a time away than most other jobs.

jobs. Is it worth it to you? Is the potential risk to the relationship to your kids worth it to you? What I'll say is the deployments were easier for me when my kids were younger because I didn't think they would remember the time that I was away, which in conversations with them, that has been my experience. But at a certain point in time, they start remembering. They start remembering that dad is a guy on a computer screen that you're having conversations with, but you're not really connected to and that dad kind of comes and goes and you have to ask yourself and then decide what you want that to be. I'm not telling you to leave your military career. I'm just telling you that a military career is going to put different strains on relationships. And only you and hopefully

your wife together can make that decision as to whether or not it is worth it. If you leave the military, the military is going to be just fine. If you leave your family, your family is probably not going to be just fine. There'll be a hole there that is going to be hard to fill, regardless of the size of the shovel. And that should be considered. So I don't want to give you advice on what you should do. Maybe, again, just a review can cover options of what you could do. You could find a short duty billet if it's possible to reduce your TDY for a couple of years and really solidify the foundation of your relationship with your kids. You could drive on, you know, status quo, business as usual.

You could get out and find something else. But then again, again, you're still going to have the occupational requirements of whatever it is that you do, time at work versus time at home. Again, travel probably wouldn't be as big of an issue if it's not going to have a TDIY aspect to it. But there's no right or wrong answer. I've seen great success from military families, and I've seen horrendous train wrecks from military families. It depends on how much the family members reinvest into themselves and their families. And that can be a tough balance speaking personally when you're working in the military with a job that has an incredible requirement of attention, energy, and time.

So choose wisely. You can get as many jobs as you want to in your life. You can wear as many uniforms as you want to in your life. You can't really do that with your kids. And that's what I'll leave you on. Hope everybody has a good weekend. See you guys on Monday. Thank you.