Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Peace, Failure, and Following Your Dreams

Episode Date: November 8, 2024

We are diving into listener-submitted questions for our normally scheduled Friday programming: How do you deal with the self-doubt that often follows tough decisions? Is there a way to reframe feelings of failure and disappointment, or do you simply have to face them head-on? After facing life's highs and lows, how do you find clarity and alignment with your true self? A listener shares a powerful personal mission statement that he uses as a strategy to cultivate lasting inner calm. Lastly, the tension between security and ambition. A 34-year-old family man is at a career crossroads, torn between providing for his family and pursuing the dream of starting his own business. Should he bet on himself and take the leap, or stay the course in a job that's draining his spirit? Enjoy

What is going on, everybody? Friday, we're going to go with regularly scheduled programming for today. I fooled some of you fuckers last Friday, thinking that I was going to go on this preachy diatribe about preparing for Civil War. And I wasn't. I was just testing out the clickbait. And man, it worked. And that sucks. I guess. I don't know. I digress. Like I said, for the remainder of the year, we have a sponsor for this Friday's episode. And that sponsor is Spartan Forge. I'm on their website right now. It's been really cool. Even in just the last week, the number of people who have reached out to me about this app is pretty amazing. So I had the founder of Bill Thompson. I would recommend you go back and listen to that episode because he does a

great job of describing what this is. And although this is based in the hunting world with some predictive intelligence, and it does the same stuff that hunting apps are going to do from boundary lines and measuring and topography and terrain and all those things, I'm getting messages from people who are in the engineering space or the construction space. And what they're really like in are the different features. So I'm scrolling down now. And if this is your audio only, you're going to miss out on a little bit of this. If you have a video aspect, you can see what I'm talking about. You know, LiDR and UAV mapping, I've been using the LiDR a bunch for helicopter rescue stuff, or not helicopter rescue stuff. I'll get to that in a second. I've been using it for helicopter

stuff because you can get a look at what the terrain is going to be absent the foliage that is on top of it. You can get, I'm looking for flat areas to land, obviously. The helicopter rescue stuff, that ties into what was going on in North Carolina and people using essentially the Blue Force tracker or the in-app live pin sharing to coordinate not only their movements, but keep track of where everybody is as well. So again, based in the hunting space, but when you have a guy who comes from the intelligence background to the military and is building in essentially Pathfinder tools, the amount of breadth and depth or left and right you have to use this tool.

It's pretty damn awesome. And oh, by the way, yeah, of course, if you're a hunter, this thing is amazing. There's a free version that you can download. I'm looking at that on the website right now. Head on over to Spartanforge.com. And you can check it out for yourself. If you're a hunter, cool. You're going to love it.

It's going to do all the traditional things, the other apps in the space are going to do. If you're not a hunter and you like really cool features about understanding terrain, topography, all of those things, I'm just saying, check it out. And on that note, let's get into the Friday episode. Okay, copy, whiz to the smoke. I'm looking at danger close now. All right, like I said, traditional Friday programming. I have two emails that contain three questions.

The first one has got one question. The second email has two. Let's get right into this and get into our weekend. By the time this episode comes out, I should still be out in Iowa. Bow hunting with the one and only John Dudley. I'm sure a podcast will terminate from that as well. So let's just dive right in. First of all, thanks for the podcast you put out every week.

I've been listening to them for a long time and still often go back to the older ones that you put out. There's only about 25 that I haven't heard. And also, you see, you should or seem 25 times happier now than you did three years ago. Well, for anybody who's followed the journey of the podcast, you would understand why that is the case. I'm just an average Joe that does what needs doing in life. going to work during the day and raise my daughters with my wonderful wife. We have it good in life and probably make a lot of people envious with how everything seems to be going great. And at home, everything is great. Now, at work, on the other hand, that's a different story. And I think I selected

this email because, or at least it caught my attention, it's, I'm pretty sure it said I get dumber by going to work every day. So you had me at hello on that one. Where are we? Now, at work, On the other hand, that's a different story. I've been at this company for eight years now. I've built a service department in one division of the company, and I am now doing the same thing in a different division. The pay is decent, but I think it could be a little bit better. In this new department, I have three guys under me.

One is a good guy, but not real smart. The other two drive me crazy daily. The amount of stupid questions I end up answering daily is mind-numbing. Every day I more work for me if I was on my own. That doesn't make any sense. Oh, because I skipped a line. Sometimes that's how reading goes. Sorry, everybody. Every day I go and wondering why I still go here and put up with it and why I don't just throw in the towel at work and start my own service company. I do some work on the side and everyone tells me they would have more work for me if I was on my own. Or some other guys tell me if I went on my own, I would have more work than I would know what to do with.

But then when I'm home and I see my two daughters and wife and I worry about what if? What if I don't have any work and no money comes in? It is my responsibility in life to provide for them. And work is doing that. But at work, I feel stuck, and it is sucking the life out of me. And the thing that bothers me the most is the saying that you become who you hang out with the most. And I'm stuck with three turkeys around me all day. The other problem is that I feel like I would leave my boss hanging if I did leave. The whole division I'm in would fall apart in two weeks. So what should a guy, I do. Pony up and chase my own dreams and just let work suck the life out of me, or I should say, or just let the work suck the life out of me. I'm 34-year-old guy, so I still have plenty of time

to build my own service company. Not sure what the question is there, but it feels good to write it out anyway. Well, I think it's a good question because I think a lot of people find themselves in this place where they have a level of stability, and maybe that's economically and hopefully that's combined with family stability. And they have the basic necessities of life. They have a partner. They have kids. They have shelter. They have food. All of those things. And they start wondering and asking themselves, is this enough? Could I do more? Is this what I was meant to do with my life? And I think those are totally natural questions. A couple of things that I want to address right off the bat. The whole division I'm in would fall apart in two weeks.

Maybe, but that's not your responsibility if you choose to leave. One of the things that the SEAL community was amazing at doing, and I'm not saying there were people twisting their mustaches behind the scenes trying to make this happen. But they were amazing at getting you to feel like you were critical in your job and that if you left, you would be hanging everybody else out to dry and that there's no way the organization could survive without you. And it would be crisis and turmoil if you were to leave. And then when you leave, they replace you with somebody else in a matter of minutes, maybe perhaps a matter of seconds. And guess what? The organization is just fine.

Now, I don't know the type of relationship that you have with your boss. I don't know if there's a blend of personal and professional relationship there. But if you make a decision to leave your organization, there are ways you can do it that would allow your boss the time to bring somebody else in, to onboard them, to train them to make sure this wouldn't happen. You know, it would probably be difficult for them if you just went in on a Friday and said, hey, today is my last day. What if you gave them two weeks? What if you gave them two months? What if you went and talked to your boss about what it is that you're thinking about doing and why? And you might find somebody who's very supportive of that. Or you might find somebody who really doesn't want you to leave. And you could probably in that moment sit there and negotiate maybe for the

better pay that you think you are deserving of. Maybe for a different structure inside of the organization. so you don't have three turkeys using your words hanging out with you all day long. You don't know, though, until you have those conversations. Bottom line in that is this, though. If you leave the organization, they're not going to fall apart in two weeks. And if they do fall apart in two weeks, that has nothing to do with you, especially if you are upfront and have integrity and honesty with your employer and let them know what you're getting ready to do.

That's their problem to solve and not something that you need to be worrying about. The sentence it says, the thing that bothers me the most is saying you become who you hang out with the most. And I'm stuck with three turkeys around me all day long. What I'll say with you is that is there's a really important word in that that sticks out to me. And that is stuck. I did not mean to use two versions of the same word. That's what stands out to me in this sentence. You're the sum total of the people that you surround yourself with.

I agree with that. The way I look at that statement, though, is the people that you, when you have the opportunity and who you choose to bring into your life, your closest friends, your confidants, you know, friends, family blend of those things. Those are the people, I think, that you are the sum total of, not necessarily the people that you are stuck at work with. Because as you have mentioned in this email, you don't really have a choice. So I would say, yeah, you could potentially potentially pick up some bad habits from those people, even though I suspect that you won't based off with the email. But I don't think that's necessarily where that sentence or that, it's not a metaphor, where that actually comes from, that belief that you are the sum total of the

people you surround yourself with, at least the way that I take it, I'm the sum total of the people that I choose to invest my time in when I have a choice. Occupationally, oftentimes you don't necessarily have a choice. So maybe just you could split that one a little bit, and that could probably provide you a little bit of mental de-stressing because you don't have a choice in that one. Now, about the turkeys that you have working for you. So you are asked, you know, you're being asked questions all day long. They're driving you nuts. One of the guys isn't necessarily the smartest and you're being bombarded. Well, here's what I would say. Restructure the way that you interface with the people working for you. I'm not saying you are a micromanager.

But for people out there, and I know I've said this before, if the people that work for you or with you are constantly coming to you and asking what it is that they need to do or what you think should be done, there is a chance that you are leading in a more of a micromanaging type of way. You may not be meaning to do so, but it is so much better from a leadership perspective to have somebody come to you with solutions than it is with questions about what they need to do and how they need to do it and how should we do it and how much time do I have. I want people coming to me and saying, hey, this is what I see that needs to be done. This is how I think we could do it. What are your thoughts? So much easier. You can, you know, empower them to go back out there and do those things. Trust but verify, of course. So I would say, if you're going to stay in this organization, restructure how you're working with the people who are underneath you. These three people in particular. Now, I know nothing about building out of service department, but start putting in a structure and honestly, that structure could be as simple as sitting these three people down and saying to them as an opener. And I'm not saying you have to do it like this, but this is the way that my brain works.

Hey, as an opener, you know what, guys? I am getting a lot of questions from you on these particular topics. And I really want to change this from being a reactive to more proactive headspace. And I need to cut down on the amount of time that I'm answering your questions. and that means you guys need to increase the amount of time that you are using to try to solve these questions on your own and then come to me with the answers that you find. That in and of itself is starting to change the paradigm of how these people are going to be interfacing with you. It's not going to change overnight, and this is going to be something

that you're going to have to be probably a little bit of positive feedback on, positive meaning like pushing back on them. When they come to you with questions, sometimes the answer is going to need to be, you need to go solve that yourself. They need to act like adults. And the more that they act like adults and professionals, the more the opportunity that you give them to do so, honestly, I've actually found most often, people start acting as if. So you treat them like an adult and as a professional, expect that of them. And they start acting a little bit more in that manner, especially if you are very verbal with them about what it is you don't want to see and what it is you do want to see. And again, that might be a little bit more involved than you want to be up front. But if you're going to stay in this organization, let's think about restructuring the communication flow. So, you know, the one guy directly underneath you, maybe empower him to be that buffer between you and these two chuckleheads, right? So even that step in and of itself. He said he may not be the smartest guy in the world. But again, I don't know what level of intelligence is required for a service department and an organization.

Make him the supervisor of those other two turkeys, if you can. Or at the very least, he is the buffer between their questions. They go to him. They try to solve them together. or he tries to solve them and give those answers, and then he is the one that comes to you. So, again, having no understanding of your actual industry, that's a baseline template of what I would give you for a starting point. Let's talk about, though, your responsibilities to your family. Totally agree with you that your responsibility is to provide and protect for your family.

And my question to you would be this. Is there anything that could happen to you in your life where you would be willing to give up and no longer do those things, to provide and protect? your family. I'm going to make an assumption based off your email that the answer would be, no, there's no way that you're going to stop. And when I encounter people that at least are willing to, regardless of what happens around them, regardless if they get knocked down or they go down a path, and it wasn't the path that they wanted it to be and they need to reverse course, as long as they're not willing to give up, you're going to be okay. You'll be okay if you stay at this job. Is it possible that you will miss amazing opportunities for you professionally and personally by staying there?

Yes, it's totally possible. Is it possible that if you leave this industry and go out on your own, you are going to have a life that is filled with a little bit more stress because you realize that instead of relying upon somebody else's system, you are creating your own? Yes, that's very possible. Could it lead you to opportunities that you don't even realize exist right now and a place for your feelings? family from a perspective of providing and protecting that you didn't even know you were capable of? Yes, you absolutely could. So there's opportunity in both directions, and there are responsibilities and burdens and stress and

worry and fear. And I would say a lot of that is going to trend more when you detach from somebody else's system and you start working on your own. But if there's nothing that's going to stop you, if there's nothing that is going to stop you, if There's nothing that is going to get you to give up on your family and that providing and protecting, you're going to be okay. As long as you are unwilling to quit, you will figure it out. I am, and this is the principle that I operate on in every room that I go into. I am the dumbest person in every room I go into. I don't know anything about business. I didn't know anything about doing a podcast. I actually don't know anything about any of the things that I have done professionally.

And I have tried, I can't say countless because that's too much, but I have tried so many things that I no longer do now. And when they didn't work, I was able to put them down and move on to something else. And I didn't care that they didn't work. Was I stressed about money? Fuck, yes. There were times where I was stressed about money and wondering whether or not that the mortgage check was going to clear. Were there times where I was stressed about knowing what could potentially come next or what am I even going to do starting next week? yes, there were times that were absolutely like that. The older that I have gotten, and the more that I

have worked my way through this, I care less and less about those things. They still weigh on me, and I still worry about them, but I know that I'm going to figure it out because I am unwilling to give up, because I feel the same way about my wife and kids and family. It is my job to provide for them. It is my job to protect them. It is my job to be there to help them. And I don't care what I have to do from an occupational perspective to be able to do that because I'm going to do whatever I need to do, whether I like doing it or not. You're 34 years old. If you're going to do this, I would say do it in the relatively near future. And potentially look at a way at doing this, you know, do you have to jump from one bucket, the job you have now, into the bucket of you working

for yourself? Is there a way that you could test the waters in this, right? Let's be a little bit more calculated in our approach and how we leave one path and go off to another one. You don't have to cannonball into the pool. You can dip your toes for a little bit to see if you like the water. Maybe. And maybe you can't do those things. If you can't, what I would suggest is building an economic buffer that would buy you some time so that when you do come out on your own, you'll have a little bit of flexibility and the guillotine of the monthly economic responsibilities is not immediately dropping on your head. Maybe that's three months worth of operating capital for your family, whatever you need, or six or whatever it may be. I don't know the comfort level for you.

You can decide that. But there are options other than just light switch off in one job, light switch on and the new one. The number one thing I don't want to feel when I'm on my deathbed. I would say two things. Regret and disappointment. I don't want to regret who I was and the things that I didn't do. And I don't want to be disappointed by the opportunities that I didn't take earlier in my life. Because at some point in time, we're all going to be out of time. If you're getting feedback from people that you're good at your job, there is a place for you in this ecosystem where you could be your own boss and grow the way you want to go and grow in the direction that you want to go, I would listen to them, right? Don't only listen to the

positive things and ignore the potential risks and consequences and complexities. but listen to them and look into it. And, man, we get one lap around the track, right? Don't gamble with your family, with their protection, and with you being able to provide for them, but you're at a point in your life where you can have a little bit of risk, right? Your level of risk, my level of risk, everybody's level of risk.

They get to calculate that on your own. But be smart, look at it, weigh the pros and cons, test the waters if you can. And my advice to you would be, man, if you feel like you can do it and you know that nothing's going to stop you, then fucking do it. I would rather do that and have you fail and be able to go and find work elsewhere, which you're going to be able to do, than be on your deathbed and regret that you never had the opportunity to do so. Or not that you didn't have the opportunity that you never took that opportunity and you wonder where it could have taken you if you did.

So that's my advice. Okay. let's get into the second email two questions this one's coming from Australia it opens with I hope you are well in surviving under the tyrannical rule of javelin that's a really accurate statement actually he is a six inch tall nearly 11 pound fucking terrorist he finally has some adult teeth coming in that look like veneers there's ridiculous and uh yeah I think we might exist to serve him. At least that's what that little mini dachshund thinks when he looks at us, as far as I can tell. But to the question. My first question is on failure. How have you dealt

with the feeling of failure? Primarily relating life's big ticket items and relationships. For some background, I am 32 and have recently come out of a serious four-year relationship, excuse me, what was my decision to leave? My partner was a lovely, kind-hearted person, and there were no significant incident that acted as a catalyst. However, over time, it had developed into a companionship rather than a relationship, and I felt we had become best friends. The romantic attraction aspect was no longer there, and I felt it was not fair to lead her on when my heart was not in it, and I could not give my all towards us moving forward. I have been through some fairly rough times in my life. However, this one in particular has led me to take a hard look in the

asking myself questions about being fit for fatherhood. Am I deserving of that? And where to start to rebuild. I have started weekly counseling to help dig into this, which is a great thing. I take full responsibility and believe it is the right decision in the long term. However, I can't shake the feeling of failure and guilt that I have ruined the future plans we had. Disappointment or disappointed her family friends, her, her family, and her friends, and hurt someone who did nothing wrong. I know it is not healthy to stay within a relationship to to avoid hurting the other person's feelings. However, it has taken far more of a toll than I had anticipated.

Do you have any advice or reframing to help combat these negative inner thoughts? Or do I just have to eat this shit sandwich I have created? I know you'll probably say you don't like binary options. However, I definitely feel stuck in a loop. I don't like binary options because I don't think the world generally presents them to us in that way. And I feel it sucks. You know, I feel bad for you that you are stuck in this situation. I'm going to tackle this a little bit at a time here.

I do agree that it's not healthy to stay in a relationship just to avoid hurting the other person's feelings. But I think you have to look at the grand scheme of things a little bit more. I do believe from a husband and wife, a boyfriend, girlfriend perspective, this is my personal belief, and I'm, again, not a professional in any way, shape, or four. from the mental health perspective or relationships at all. For them to survive, there has to be some level of romantic and attraction aspect, especially at the age of 32 years old. I mean, I think when you're older in life and you're in the, what are they called them, the golden years, right?

You're probably not keeping your neighbors up at night, just, you know, wrecking the springs in your bed. but and I don't think you actually necessarily have to do that like super early on in your life or maybe potentially at any point in time but the point I'm trying to make is if it turns from a romantic and attraction relationship into a friendship as opposed to necessarily throwing it away which I'm not saying that's what you did I think you at the very least owe a conversation to your partner. I don't know anything about your partner. I don't know the age. Men and women age from a hormonal perspective differently, right? Paraminopause,

menopause, postmenopause. That shit's all real. I have no idea what phase of life your girlfriend is in, but men have hormonal shifts as well. And things change. Okay. Before walking, way, I would at the very minimum, I've had a conversation with this partner, and I would have just addressed this directly. Hey, I feel like we're drifting away from what we were when we first got together four years ago into something that I'm not necessarily looking for. I'm not looking for just a companion. I am looking for somebody who I can be compassionate with, or not compassionate, but passionate with. I am not looking for just a partner.

I am looking for a significant other. I am looking for physical attraction. I am looking for, you know, however you'd want to describe it. Call it just straight up sex if you want or just, you know, romantic activities. You pick the word for Australia. You guys are amazing shit talkers and have some odd words for things so you can pick whatever you want. but I would say at least have a conversation directly about it.

Yeah, can it be an uncomfortable conversation? Sure, but you're already going through something uncomfortable because of walking away from it. And I guess the point in all that is, is it could be salvageable and you don't know what's going on in somebody else's head unless you ask them about it. So put the time in to ask them about it. Like I said, things are going to shift as you grow together. and your first month together, probably from a sexual activity or romantic attraction perspective, isn't going to be the same as it is in your 100th month together. And that's okay.

But check in with your partner. Make sure that you guys are on the same page. Are you getting what you need from the relationship? Here's a great question for your partner. Are they getting what they need from the relationship, right? And that's when I say, I don't like binary. Oh, it's not working so it's over. Well, have we explored every option in between?

having the hard conversations. If you had that conversation or you're at a place where you realize it's not going to work, you don't need to have a sense of failure or feeling guilt that you ruined the future plans that you had or disappointed her or their family or their friends because her or your partner on the other side of the equation, I think that's important. But her or his family and friends, they're not directly involved in your relationship. They're not the one living with you when you go home and you close the door and are either enriched and fulfilled or are on the other side of that coin. So I understand what you're saying from a social perspective, but if you're staying in a relationship for any of those people or anybody other than the person

that you're directly involved with, man, I think that is a very dangerous road that leads places where you're going to end up feeling stuck in the long run because you're not in it for the right reasons. Again, I'm not an expert in relationships, but that's kind of the way that I view that. And I think it's a good thing that this hits you hard. Maybe I'll end this particular question on that. It's good that this hits you hard. I think it should. Four years with somebody is not a short period of time. There will become a large Venn diagram overlap of your lives together. There are plans that could be made. And yeah, when those things change, that sucks. And I would say sit with that suck for a bit and work your way through it. Definitely don't ignore it. It should last for a

little bit. You should question yourself. And I don't necessarily look at this as a failure. Not all relationships are meant to be. And if you want to look to some scary stats, just look at the relationship data in the United States. Look at the divorce rate in the United States. People will argue that there are a lot of reasons for that divorce rate being what it is and for people getting the divorces that they do. Totally agree with that. But math is math when it shows the end result. I am somebody who has been divorced. And where I land on divorce is that it's more to me, in my opinion, that only counts for that is not every relationship is meant to last forever. you change as a person.

When I first got married, I was 23 years old. I don't even remember the idiot that I was at that point in time. And I don't know if that person would even recognize me looking 20 plus years into the future into what I'm doing now and who I am now. God, that would be so interesting to have that conversation in both directions. And you get married that young, grow together, grow apart, time together, time apart, so many different variables. it's not always going to work itself out.

And I think that's okay. And I don't think that every person that you meet or every single person that you were in a relationship with, you know, I think it's pretty easy to tell that, yeah, like this one probably doesn't have the potential for us to be here, you know, together forever. Maybe there's just something that you like about that person or the convenience or the aspect of it, and that is okay. Don't try to force a square peg to a round hole, I guess,

is the point that I'm trying to make when it comes to being in a relationship. you feel stuck in a loop, the person that you have already reached out to, the counselor is probably going to be able to help you with that. I would focus on yourself. And this is going to tie directly into the second portion of your question here, because I feel like you're already taking a great step in doing so. And I'm glad that you verbalize the second question in the way that you did. So maybe I'll lead into that. When it comes to being fit for fatherhood, a failed relationship. And this is what I'll end your first part on. Don't value or judge whether or not you are fit to be a father based off of the outcome of a relationship because that has nothing to do with it. The relationship as a

father and the relationship, let's say you had had a child with this person and you hadn't gotten married. Your fitness to be a father has nothing to do with the outcome of the relationship with this person. Let's say you'd had a kid two years in. This relationship exploded. So now you are joint custody in some way, shape, or form. Your co-parenting. Just because that relationship didn't work should not change in any way, shape, or form, how you feel about your ability to be a father, your desire to be a father and your worth as a person when it comes to being a father. It's hard to describe to somebody who doesn't have kids, but anybody who has kids right now could, we could talk for hours about, I'll use my ex-wife as an example here.

We do not have a good relationship right now. We haven't had a good relationship for a long time, and that is what it is. is and I'll leave it at that. Regardless of how I feel about her, regardless of how I feel about how that situation resolved itself, what led to it, the fucking horrendous two-year process that it was, I can feel, and my feelings for that person shifted over time, my feelings never shifted for my kids. It is just a different type of relationship. And any parent out there, I know you know what I'm talking about when you hold your child for the first time, there's no breaking that bond. There's no giving up on that. You are just like, fuck, we're in this for life. At least I hope that's

how it is for everybody out there, because that's how it is for me. I will say when I was going through divorce, it did question, it forced me to question or put me in a place where I was questioning whether or not I deserve to be a father to those kids. I can understand the turmoil that you are going through, but don't let it interrupt or override the feeling that you may have that you don't deserve to be a father because it's just a different relationship. And I think that you absolutely do. So rambling a little bit on that one, but let's move on. Second part of your question, I'm glad that you wrote this part out. My second question is whether after all the things you've experienced in life, the good, the bad,

the ugly, do you find yourself focusing on being thankful and maintaining inner peace? I don't mean peace in a wishy-washy, hipster way, but in a way where were your actions, words, a mental state aligned to a point where you are content and have clarity in who you are and what your purpose is. I have noticed myself moving closer towards seeking inner peace lately. So, so much so that I wrote my own mission statement to guide me moving forward. I won't be quitting my job anytime soon to become a writer, but feel free to read it if you like. And this is what it says. Become so committed to inner peace through building a version of myself that I am truly proud of so that my own negative thoughts, failures, distractions, and people's

actions do not dictate my own self-worth. To develop kind self-talk and make every attempt to steal my inner harmony and stray me from this path, be a brick that I use to further strengthen my resolve and meet these challenges head on with honesty and positive actions. Are there any specific strategies you have implemented or could suggest to move forward, creating more days where you're able to feel at peace or confident in your actions and who you are as a person? Apologies again for the long-winded email. Love the podcast. Hope to come visit the coffee shop sometime in the next year or so. Jesus, that is a long flight from Australia. But if you make it, hit me up and I'll get you at least a free cup of coffee to help with the cost. All right. God. Positive self-talk. Maintaining inner peace. It would be so easy to sit here and give this bold. bullshit answer about once you find your purpose, you'll never stray from the path and you'll always be resolute and concrete in what you need to do. And I don't struggle with negative self-talk.

And the things that people say don't impact me and it'd be total bullshit. The honest answer to your question is that I struggle deeply with negative self-talk. And I have struggled deeply with negative self-talk for as long as I can remember. Now, this doesn't mean. It's a lot of I haven't done anything to try to address this, but this is something that I have identified that I struggle with. There is nobody on earth that is a harsher critic of me than me. And I think my parents, my mom has obviously passed, but I think my dad would agree with this. I am a relatively sensitive person. And it's easy to hide sensitivity and being a smart ass and deflecting and make it seem like you don't think about the things that other people say or do or how you even necessarily

feel about yourself or your own actions sometimes. It's easy to say that and deflect it in that way. But that is a, it's like armor that is as thin as a piece of paper and is see-through as saran wrap. It gets in and I struggle with it. And I'm again, I'm only speaking for me. I don't know if everybody else is like that or anybody else is like that. And I, for me, the key is identifying the beginning stages of negative self-talk early. Earlier in my life, I had problems doing so. And I could get myself into a pretty negative spiral or this repetitive hamster wheel loop of negativity, negativity, negativity, negativity. And, God, it sucks.

I mean, I think you can work yourself into depression. You can work yourself into not feeling motivated. You can work yourself into not feeling good enough to not feeling worthy. Whatever negative outcome that you are looking for, you can talk yourself into that shit. if you aren't careful. So I love the fact that you have put together a mission statement. I'm not going to change it or critique it in any way, shape, or form. What I would say is, I haven't really written one for myself,

but what I would say for anybody, one that comes to a mission statement, try to remove anybody else's impact, thoughts, reaction, speech from your statement. Because you can't control anybody else, but you have absolute and complete control over yourself. And that is where I have focused the effort over the years. And I am by no means perfect at this. And I definitely have a lot more work that I could do. As far as my purpose, I don't know what I want to do professionally in my life.

I don't even know what the fuck I do now professionally, if I'm being honest with you. I really enjoy the things that I do, but I don't know how I would describe it all. If I had encapsulate it in a sentence or two, it would be something along the lines of, I want to make a difference. I want to add, even at a fractional level, more than I took away at the end of life. I would love to be in the net positive column

on the impact and the world around me. wishy-washy as that may sound because when I'm not talking global, I'm talking in the world that I can see at the limits of my vision, the horizon, in my kid's life, in my friend's life, in my family's life, and my community's life. I would like to be 0.001 at the end of the day, that positive. And that is not a line for me that has been straight and narrow. It is all over the place. and that is where the struggles with negative self-talk comes in. I used to spiral on it and talked with some counselors and some therapists and worked through, actually I'm not going to say that.

I'm not going to say I worked through it because it's still something that I struggle with. I identified things that lead me in that direction. And I don't think I'm unique in some of these things. You can go to social media and I bet you all have this experience. You get 100 positive comments and you ignore them, but one negative comment, you give them more weight than the 100 positive. And that's a negative thing. It's easy to attach yourself to that negativity. And maybe it's a comment from somebody who has having a really shitty day. And I'm just using an example of a social media interaction.

This could be a variety of different things. I, maybe more than some, have a propensity to latch onto that negativity and then let that negativity start to control the way that I talk to myself. And that was probably the biggest impact for me was the identification of that and recognizing that I was starting to loop. Then putting into place a structure, and this could change per person. I've seen people who carry something around and they pull it out and they'll start reading words of affirmation to themselves or a mantra for lack of a better word or a mission statement And when they recognize that they're starting that loop, they will do that to interrupt it. I don't do necessarily any of those things.

For me, what has been impactful is recognizing that I, one, that I'm having that level of attachment, sitting with it for a minute and really balancing back and forth, is this an equal balance of positive and negative? Or am I actually objectively grasping on to the microscopic level of negativity and putting all of my energy and effort into that? If I'm doing so, the realization and recognition that that is unhealthy for me, and I will verbalize this to myself. And I talk to myself out loud a lot. I forget who I was recently having this conversation with, but I was asking them if they talk to themselves. And I probably look like a fucking crazy person when I'm driving around because it probably always looks like there's somebody in my car, but half the time I'm talking to myself. But I'm a super good conversationalist, so it's like, whatever. verbalizing and just working my way through the objectively, what's going on here. Why am I grasping onto this comment?

Do I know this person? Is this going to make a positive impact in my life? Can I let this go? Do I want to respond? Sure. And this can bridge social media into the real world. Somebody says something to you, an interaction with your family, significant other, whatever it may be, right?

Taking the time to sit with how I feel. and recognizing that I myself can let this get out of control, and it wouldn't be accidental. It would actually be me with my foot on the gas pedal causing that and interrupting that cycle. The talking through it with myself, taking some time, taking a deep breath, it has absolutely helped.

Do I still loop sometimes on negative shit? I do. Do I still let my worries sometimes get out in front of me? Yes, I do. And I think we're all going to. I just try to make those happen as infrequently as possible. I'm not perfect and I don't expect to be. So I know that sometimes that's the way it's going to go.

Another key thing for me that I have recognized and I try to do as often as possible, when I'm getting to that place where I am looping like that, I tell somebody about it. And I talk with them about it. This could be a friend. This could be a counselor. This could be your significant other. You choose what you're the most comfortable with. Ask for help.

It's one of the most powerful things that I've ever done in my life. And people think it's a sign of weakness. and they can get fucked because it is a sign of absolute strength. And that's what I'll leave this Friday with. Have a good weekend.