Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - The Road Not Taken

Episode Date: October 25, 2024

Traditional Friday Q and A for today. Three listener-submitted questions: 1.  A 26-year-old Navy veteran grappling with post-service identity and family priorities.  2. A husband seeking advice on saving a struggling marriage. 3. A father confronting the heartbreaking realities of bipolar disorder in his daughter. Enjoy

Well, good morning, everybody. It's Friday. I got my coffee. I got some questions. Let's do some Q&A. Here we go. Let's the red smoke. Okay, copy.

West of the smoke. I'm looking at danger close now. Come on. Can't be clear not. All right, ladies and gents. Here we go. Three questions for today. Try to pick three different genres, if you will.

Keep it short. Sweet. Hopefully provide some feedback or advice that helps somebody somewhere. specifically, I guess, would be the person who wrote in the email. And yeah, we'll be on our way heading towards next week in 2026. No, 2025. Yeah, it's been that kind of week. I can't even remember which fucking year is next that is hurtling down the pipe at us.

Okay. Email one. I hope this finds you well. I have been a listener of the podcast for years now, and I want to say thank you for what you do. I'll stop there and say thank you, everybody, for those that listen. in that write in and provide feedback on how I can make the show better, the things you like, the things you don't, I like the guest suggestions. It takes a village, you know, and it's weird because occasionally I'll meet people throughout my daily life at the coffee shop and airports,

whatever it may be, and it's a little bit imbalanced because they know more about me than I know about them. And that's okay, because I still appreciate meeting everybody that comes up and says hi, and I appreciate the participation, whether it's listening or telling somebody else about the show. So, I digress. I'm a 26-year-old husband and father to three boys. I separated from the Navy after seven years of service earlier this year. Prior to the separation, I told myself, I wanted to get as far away from the service as possible and have no association with the DOD or Department of Defense. I can understand that headspace from somebody who served for 17 years. The stars aligned, and I landed myself in a family, friends company back near my hometown where I'm making a very good salary along with my VA rating,

which was much higher than I expected. I bought a house and got the truck I've always wanted. From the outside looking in, life seems awesome. And it is, but there is still a part of me that isn't happy with where I'm at. I wanted to travel post-military and tour the U.S., but after being away for so long, we rushed back home, and part of me regrets it. I pitched the idea of Montana to my wife, and she really wanted to be back near family, which I totally understand because we're from the East Coast. One half of me is glad I moved back that I moved back from my family and kids. But the other half wishes, I bought a camper and hit the road for six months with my family and maybe found somewhere that aligned more with what my family and I like to do. Skiing, kayaking, motor sports, hunting, fishing, etc.

I guess my question is, how do I handle this post-military transition and do it in a way that benefits my family and my family. myself. Thank you. Well, first off, I think you're already viewing it in a very healthy way. You understand that you have your words. Half of you is happy that you made the decisions that you did post-military and landed where you did. And the other half is still toiling with this desire of wanting more, to want to do more, to explore, to travel. And I think that is actually super healthy. The reason I chose this question, I think the subject of your email was something along the lines of having everything I've ever wanted, something along those lines that it caught my attention because yesterday I recorded an episode

that will come out in two Mondays from now with a man named Matt Dawson. And man, we had a fascinating conversation about life. This guy has accomplished amazing things in his life from a physical perspective and constantly has this desire to do more and wondering whether or not he is a good enough person. but he worked in banking, and this is where it ties into the subject line of your email. And I asked him this directly on the episode, because you hear and see all the time. And I am as guilty of this at times as other people are. And that is using money or things as your metric for success and happiness.

Now, he worked in the boutique banking industry, or does still, Dawson does. Again, the episode will come out in a couple weeks. and he has seen people go into extreme levels of wealth and have the ability to do what they want to do, to get what they want to get. And he has seen time and time again, as have I now at this point in my life, and also felt in myself, that things and money don't provide the happiness that I feel like we all wish that they would. And I'm not saying that things and money or a bad thing. I like things.

I like money. Don't get me wrong. But there is no guarantee that they're going to make you feel fulfilled or enriched or empowered or happy. And I have felt that in my own like. There have been things where, oh, I need to get this. A metric of success would be fill in the blank. And this can be different for everybody because everybody has different desires. And then you get it.

And then you almost have a sense of buyers. or a sense of not really having the experience or thing live up to what you thought it was going to be and then what are you left with? I would describe it as almost a little bit of a sense of emptiness. You put so much effort and weight into this thing and you get it. And man, at the end of the day, it's like, huh, wasn't what I thought it was going to be. So then what do you do next? If you're like me earlier in my life, you find the next thing that you need to have for your metric for success or happiness. And you can play that game until you're broke or dead, I suppose, if you want to. And feel free to live your life however you want, no judgment there.

But I've arrived at a place in my life where it's not the things that matter to me anymore. And money is certainly important. And don't get me wrong. I like money just as much as the next person. But I will say no to most things that involve money because I look at it now as a cost on to my time, which you have a lot of time. You're 26. So to get back to your question, what I would do is figure out a way to satisfy these both halves, which it sounds like you have done. Wife, three boys, you're stable, you have an economic foundation, but you still want to travel.

So if I was in your shoes at 26, you talked about getting a trailer and traveling, you have have the truck that you've always wanted, right? Here's what I would do. I would get the trailer to go along with that truck. And instead of going on to the road for six months, I would explore and do shorter journeys. I don't know what you do for a living. I don't know the industry that you work in. A friendly friend's company back near my hometown. Okay, so you have a personal relationship as well as a professional with the person that you're working with. I would start structuring your work-life balance to net you more time. to explore and do the things that that other half, the half that you wrote in about, which is

wondering how you make this transition and do it in a way that benefits yourself and your family, to satisfy both. There is an argument to be made for cannonballing into the pool blindfolded and quit your job and just figure it out on the way. And that can be really, really, really stressful as somebody who has done that. And I didn't need to do that. I created my own emergency in crisis when I did that. It was a relatively emotional decision at the time. Felt good in the moment. It took me a few years to fight my way out of it. So, yeah, instant and momentary satisfaction with literal months and years of reestablishing that foundation. Worked my way through it. Struggles and challenges associated with it, got a better understanding

of who I was and what I was capable of by doing that. Not so sure I recommend everybody doing that, especially in your family situation, even though I was largely. in the same situation, a little bit older, but three kids as well. Figure out of balance. Build your life in a way that satisfies both. Take a month a year, if you can with your job. And let's say you can't. Do two, two-week trips per year in this trailer and get fucking lost and go explore and expose your kids and your wife to everything that is outside of where it is that you live. And in doing so, and having done things like this, what I have found to be interesting, and I bet this is true for a lot of people, is that you realize you enjoy some things a lot more than you thought you would, or areas a lot more than you thought you would. And others, they don't interest you as much as you thought that they were going to, or you didn't find them to be as you thought that they were going to be. And by doing it in this manner without cannonballing into the pool, you can start to refine.

or calibrate your compass, so it's pointing you a little bit more at True North. I didn't ever think we were going to live in Montana. I was born and raised in Santa Cruz, which is not a, well, shit, the city of Santa Cruz has got way more people in it than where I live now. But then to San Diego, then to Virginia Beach, and then back to San Diego, and you know, you can just Google the population of San Diego or San Diego County and then add into that L.A. County. We're talking tens of millions of people. I never thought that I was going to live in an area that is in air quotes as remote as where I live now,

which is 60 miles from the Canadian border as the crow flies. But when we visited and felt the palpable difference in the pace of life and the difference in the way that people interacted. And just, I mean, it was a lot of things, but a reduction in, stress and enjoyment a little bit more in the moment. And I'm not saying these things weren't possible while living in San Diego. They just were very pronounced when we continuously came up and were visiting where we live now. And I didn't ever think that we would make a move like we did. And I had to figure it out economically and how we were going to make it work. But because of that exploration, that's how I found where I live now.

and man, I am grateful that we made that move. I had no idea that I would appreciate it the way that I did, that I would like the things that I did, that I would enjoy the remoteness and the ability to detach largely to whatever degree that I want to, whether that's from a physical or proximity perspective to another human being or just unplug. Obviously, the unplugging would have been possible in San Diego as well, but it's just, it seems to be a more manageable option when you have less pressure

and condense society crushed in on. top of you. So rambling a little bit, but I hope that you get the point. Explore and just keep track. I mean, take notes if you want to. Make a travel journal of where you went and what you liked. And you also might find that this trailer idea and traveling with three kids in the trailer is fucking hell on earth in comparison to what you thought it would be. And then you can kind of modify the plan as well. Maybe you guys end up liking cruises and you can see the world on a cruise ship, which to me is the actual actual literal definition of hell on earth. And I know I've used that before.

Previously you used that to describe the Costco parking lot on the weekend or children's soccer tournaments. Those are also hell on earth. So I guess true hell on earth would be if a cruise ship pulled up to a Costco parking lot and right across the way somehow or in the Costco they were doing a children's soccer tournament. That would be fucking hell. I digress. you might be surprised in what fills your cup and what drains your cup.

Don't throw away what you have right now, but craft your life in a way where you can satisfy those both halves. That's the advice I got for you. Question two, I'm hoping you will see this because I'm interested in hearing your viewpoint on the situation. A little background, my wife and I have been together for eight years. Married for four, we have two kids, three and one. Both of us work full time. We have been going through a rough patch for a while.

The gist of it is, she says, she is not happy, that her emotional needs are not being met and that she feels alone and doesn't know if I actually care about her or our relationship. I try to show her that I do care by doing things for her that make her day easier, sharing household responsibilities and being an engaged father with our kids. I even do little things like leaving her notes in the morning before I leave for work. I leave before she wakes up. Admittedly, I'm not an overly emotional person and I'm pretty even killed through most situations. So displaying or discussing my feelings is not my strong suit. I have recently brought up that maybe we should go try, or maybe we should try going to counseling

of some sort to see if it can work or see if we can work through our issues. Because I fear the course that we are on currently is not sustainable. My wife is adamantly against going to counseling or therapy of any kind and thinks it is a waste of time and money. I'm at a loss of what to do next because I love my wife, but I also don't want to continue down the path of endless arguments and fights. I appreciate any insight you can provide. Please don't read my name on the air. I would appreciate it. Well, don't worry. That's why I screen grab these and I take the names out of it because I am an idiot and would accidentally likely read your name. Okay, a few things. I'm not a counselor. I'm not a therapist. I can

give you my experience on both of those, but I don't ever want anybody to think that this is my forte by any stretch. There's also probably a group of people that are tired of me talking about the value of going to counseling or talking to a therapist and too fucking bad because it's had an immense impact on my life. And I'm not saying it's magic, but it's work and it's a lot of work that can have a lot of benefit on the far end of that. A few things. I think it's good that you can list what your wife is feeling unhappy about, because at least that means you are having conversations and at least it means you are listening. You know, you said you were trying to show her that you do care

by doing things for her that make her day easier. What I would say to that is, are you doing that because that's what you think she wants, or are you doing that because that's what you want to do and you feel like it should solve the problem that you are currently facing? No judgment in that question whatsoever, but I think it's easy, especially in a relationship, for you to have a situation where you make an assumption about what the other person wants or needs.

And so then you take actions based off that assumption. It doesn't have the end state that you're looking for. And then you get more frustrated because it doesn't elicit the behavior or change in the person that you were hoping to see. Whereas it might be better to be a little bit more direct about it and ask her, you know, are the things that you are doing, the household responsibilities, I would, I mean, being an engaged father with your kids, It's like the minimum of parenthood. So definitely don't stop doing that. But the notes, things like that, does she care about those things?

Her answer might be no. And that might be the opposite of what she's looking for. And that doesn't mean that you don't care. And that doesn't mean that you didn't do those things because you were trying to be thoughtful. It just means that she doesn't value them in the same way that you do. So I would recommend a direct conversation on that, assuming the time, place, and setting is correct. Don't have those conversations in the middle of an argument. And also don't bring up the things that you are doing for her in the middle of an argument and expect her to appreciate those

things while in that heightened emotional estate. Do not throw that shit back in her face by any means, even if she throws something like that in your face. Be the bigger person on that one. So the counseling aspect, she's adamantly against it. That's okay. A lot of people are. I've heard people say, the only reason that counselors talk to you is because you're paying them to do so, which, I suppose, is true. But the doctor that you go see, if you bust your knee, is only seeing you because you're paying him to see you as well. So that line of argument falls apart from me a little bit. When you go to a restaurant and the server comes out with your food or the waiter or waitress is taking your order, yeah, they're only doing that because

they're being paid to do so as well. So you probably have a job and perhaps your wife does as well or has a point in time. I think that you can understand that you could also be enriched and enjoy what people pay you to do, but you also need them to pay you so they can meet the minimum financial requirements of their life as well. So I don't think the fact that you're paying somebody should disqualify them from the service that they are rendering or make you think that they don't care. We all have economic requirements. Some people have found the ability to pair the economic requirement with something they actually enjoy doing as well. I digress. Here's what I'd say. If your wife is adamantly against going to counseling, and I'm reading that right out of your

email or therapy of any kind and thinks it's a waste of time and money, here's what I'm going to suggest for you. Shelf talking to her about going to counseling and go yourself. You want to show her that counseling works, you want to show her that it's worth the time and money and effort, go yourself and do some very hard work on yourself and show her that difference. Don't tell her about it. Show her. Be about it. And I know that's probably not what you want to hear. I would hope that you're not wanting me to say something like drag her and it's all going to be okay at the end. And no, I don't think that that's going to be beneficial at all. Displaying or discussing your feelings is not your strong suit.

Not an overly emotional person. I don't think that's a good thing or a bad thing. What I do think is that we all have work. And maybe, you know, one of the things that your wife is wanting to see more is a little bit more ability for you to display your emotions or discuss your feelings. And maybe you don't have the tools to do that right now. and guess who could probably help you develop those tools, or maybe even develop a better understanding of why your wife maybe feels the way that she does. An objective and neutral third party has often been helpful in my life in situations like that,

and I feel like it could be helpful in yours. If you start changing as a person, and the reason that you are changing as a person for the better, is because of something that your wife currently believes is a waste of things. time and money, well, you are objectively showing her that that isn't the case. So instead of starting with her, and I'm not saying that you are doing that right now, but you're starting with both of you, start with yourself and then involve her. Now, let's say she still doesn't want to be involved. And let's say you are on a course that is unsustainable. Well, if you are spending the time

up front to do the work on yourself, you are going to be in an even better psychological place to deal with the fucking train wreck that is divorce, especially with kids. And I'm not trying to say that if you don't go to counseling and if your wife doesn't go at some point in time, you're going to get to a divorce. I'm not saying that. And the off chance that that does happen, though, and you have been putting work in on yourself and you have a better understanding of who you are. and maybe you can get more in touch with your feelings and your ability to express those things, which let me tell you right now, beyond your wife, your children are also going to appreciate that as well. You will be a better version of yourself when the world is throwing you a plate of dog shit and expecting you to eat it.

It's not going to taste any better, but you might have a better foundation in place to deal with that. I don't see a downside for you starting the work on yourself. Whether it draws your wife closer to you or in the end of the day and an hour, or a splitting mall comes down on the log that is your life and splits it into two, the more prepared you are as a person, the more grounded you are as a person, the better you're going to be to deal with either of those things. And that work starts with you. So that is my advice.

Hopefully that helps. Okay. Last one. Good morning, sir. I hope this email finds you well. It does. It's been a lovely little Thursday. A little backstory.

I'm 44 years old and have struggled a great deal managing bipolar disorder for all of my adult life. About a year ago, I was able to find some protocols and shifts in mindset that have allowed me to manage my disorder better than I had been able to in the past. I'm even in the process of returning to work and getting off of disability. That being said, if I knew how hard the last 22 years would be at 22, I do not think I would have chosen to participate. It's a rough sentence. My youngest daughter recently relocated to Tennessee where I live and has been my shadow for about two months now. We work together, go to the gym together, and eat together. She is an amazing person, and I thoroughly enjoy her company when she is not depressed, but I am pretty sure she is bipolar as well. I know for sure

that she suffers from depression and is frequently suicidal. I thought that it would be a good, or I thought that it would be good for her to be close to me, and I think that it is good for her to have someone that understands to talk to that will not judge her. I thought that I would be able to share more or some of my routine with her and make her life significantly more pleasant than mine was, but she is not ready to get better. If she were to end her life, I would miss her a great deal, and most of the people I love would be devastated, but I do not see how I could be anything but relieved that she would not encounter the struggles and pain that I find are likely in her future. I do not know what to do. I do not have the knowledge or mental horsepower to change her way of thinking,

and it is devastating to see her depressed, and I know I cannot do shit about it. I just don't want her to hurt anymore. Who, man, so much for going out on a high point on this Friday into the weekend. This email is tough. I know very little about bipolar disorder. I have not somebody who has struggled with deep bouts of depression in my life. We all. have good days and bad. I'm not saying I haven't had phases of time where I probably could have been diagnosed with, I would call it maybe mild depression. And maybe that was me as a person, or maybe that was a life situation and circumstances. Maybe it was a combination of all those things. I don't know. Hearing somebody, though, that is in this level of pain for this period of time

is rough. And for those of you listening to this, who have good days and bad, but have never thought about somebody who has struggled with horrible days for 44 years and is just now getting a handle on that. Hopefully it puts in context for everyone that you just don't know what people are dealing with. The people that we pass in our everyday life, whether you're driving by them or walking by them on the sidewalk or interacting with them at a restaurant or the waiter or the person that I've talked about in the previous email, you don't know what's going on behind their eyes. You don't know the demons that they're dealing with. You don't know if they're having the worst fucking day of their life or having one of the better days of their life. But what I can tell you is this.

We all suffer and struggle at times. And you just can never tell where people are at in that journey. And a 44-year journey of this, my God. So first off, I'm glad that you have found some protocol protocols and shifts in mindset. My question to you would be, how did you do that? Did you do it on your own or did you find a professional? And I don't don't even know who you go see when it comes to bipolar disorder. I don't know if that's a physician, like a medical doctor or you go psychologist, psychiatrist. I don't know. Maybe it's a combination of all of those things. But if you found a path, a protocol that works for you, I mean, the good thing is you're at 44 years old. Your daughter is with you. It sounds like you have a relationship and the

ability to talk with her. Maybe you can help short circuit that 22-year struggle that you had or I should say 44-year struggle, depending on when you started dealing with this, maybe you can help short-circuit that for her as well. Nothing lasts forever. And again, I don't know, I can't talk with any level of experience about being bipolar. But I do know, and this is, unfortunately, from things that have been left behind by people that I've cared about very deeply, more often than not,

they arrived in a place where they did feel like it was going to last forever. And I don't believe that it does. I do believe that all problems have solutions. And that's kind of an absolute saying, and I'm not a fan of fans. I'm not a fan of absolutes, whether it be always and never.

But I'm not saying that it's going to solve your problem completely, what I am saying is that nothing lasts forever unless you do something to make it so. And I can understand your headspace, as weird as it is to say, I can understand your headspace about how you feel about your daughter if she would decide to kill herself. But what I would challenge you with is the thought on what she may miss out on. You have found a protocol that is helping you recover a portion of your life. Why would you think that that's not possible for your daughter? And if it is possible for you, and it is possible for your daughter, imagine on what she may miss out on in her life. Your struggle may be similar to your daughters,

but it's not hers. So don't overlay it in that way. She may have peaks in valleys that go higher, and lower than yours, and she might have to learn to navigate her way through that system. But there is a path, I believe, and I say this with no medical knowledge or understanding, really, other than my own experience in the medical and mental health system, there are things that you can do to improve your baseline and to maybe round the edges on the extreme highs in the extreme lows, unless you do something permanent. And that is not a choice that I truly understand because I don't think I've ever been in that place.

It's an irrational decision that people rationalize, and I do understand that. I've just never been in that place where it's become a rational thought for me. So I think you're at a place where you have to involve experts in this arena. I hope that your protocol came through that, because they could probably guide you in a more direct manner than you navigating through the woods without a compass.

But if you're recognizing this now, think about yourself at her age. If somebody else had recognized that, what would you have wanted from them? If they had seen the light at the end of the tunnel, they were able to navigate you towards a place where you felt appreciably better, would you have wanted that help and assistance? I have to believe the answer would be yes. So be that person for your daughter. Be proactive with this. Nothing lasts forever. Her suffering is not going to last forever.

I hate to tell people this on the other side of that coin, the peaks in your life, where you're feeling your best, they're not going to last forever either. And that is okay. I don't think it's about the peaks and valleys. I think it's about what you do in between those two high and low points. So if you don't want your daughter, daughter to hurt anymore, which I think every parent can agree with that, exhaust every single

option that you can to help her and do the things for her that you desperately wish that people had done for you at that age. She's got a lot of life to live in front of her, unless she does something that prevents that. And as much as you may understand the pain, I worry that you wouldn't be able to forgive yourself because you didn't do everything that you could. And that's not a way to without the rest of your days either. And that's all I have for this week. Jesus, I need to finish this coffee. Not really a downer, I guess,

because I'm trying to get somebody to place where they'll have a little bit more hope, but maybe I should have opened with that one. I need to reorganize these a little bit for my own mental health. That's it. I'll see you guys all on Monday.