Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Trauma, Tattoos, and Transitions

Episode Date: May 10, 2024

1. The complex aftermath of escaping an abusive relationship, highlighting the ongoing struggle with PTSD and trauma. How do you support loved ones through their healing journey and address the challenges of co-parenting with an ex-partner?  2. Tattoos and their significance within the SEAL community. 3. Advice to a young SEAL officer embarking on his first deployment, drawing parallels between military and civilian life. The Speed of War Comic Series: https://www.thespeedofwar.com/ Check out the newest Cleared Hot Gear here: https://shop.clearedhotpodcast.com/  

Happy Friday, everybody. Regularly scheduled programming for today. I have one, two, three questions and then kind of a high note to go into the weekend that explains exactly why I want to keep doing the podcast. An email sent in that, if anything, motivates me to keep doing this, even though the days where I don't really feel like I want to. And in full disclosure, there's not really many, if not any of those days. I really enjoyed doing this. But I tell you what, this one particular email hit me at a time where, you know, maybe I needed to see it. We all need to get recalibrated and re-centered from time to time.

And it came in at a great time. So I'll read that at the end. And we'll be off into our weekend. Let's do this. I'm looking at danger close now. All right. Question number one. Going into my established world-renowned expertise.

That's right, relationships. Of which, for clarity, I have none of the things that I just mentioned. I am a functioning idiot in almost every respect of my life. But here we go. My girlfriend of three years, her last marriage was very abusive both mentally and physically. Luckily, she was able to escape unlike most who don't get the chance. Unfortunately, it took a mental toll and the post-traumatic stress and trauma is real. Frequent nightmares, scared of physical touch from time to time. time. The typical relationship arguments about where to eat can turn into a disaster. Therapy has helped, but still a long ways from being, in air quotes, over at all. On top of all that, the great judicial system has granted his stellar father figure every other week custody, which only adds to the worry. And the evidence of the lack of any sign of fathering and the literal trained lack of respect towards her is extremely frustrating. He is considered a great student. Coaches say he is very respectful and it is yes, sir and ma'am to literally everybody but his mother. He is only nine, and I feel like this will only get worse.

He knows how to play the game already. I try to help and I try to handle it the best I can, and I get told that I don't understand, which is 100% true. But I've also lived this for three years now. I do have a clue. She does the therapy. She reads the books. she honestly tries, but she's still the victim, and no matter what I do, I can't get her past that.

She's not the victim anymore, is she? Or am I just an idiot? Please help. Okay. There is a lot in this short email. I'm going to start with one thing that stands out to me, and I think everybody needs to hear this at some point in time in their life. No matter what I do, I can't get her past that. Okay. I'm going to read that again. No matter what I do, meaning the person writing this in, you can't get her past that. And that is one of the key things from this email that you are going to have to absorb and recognize at some point in time. You can lay a path out for people. You can talk to them about things that have happened to them in their life. You can work with them to lay a foundation for a better life, to make better choices, to set up things that will reward them

in the future. But you cannot change somebody else. You cannot fix somebody else. There is nothing that you can do that is going to change her mindset about whether or not she is a victim. not saying that it can't be changed, and I should be very clear on that, right? I'm not saying that she is stuck in this mentality, but you are not the key to her making that shift. She is. You could do everything textbook, write in air quotes, and it may not make a difference. And I think that anybody who has ever been, and what I'm about to say has nothing to do with your wife. I'm just talking in generalities here. But anybody, who's ever been around an addict and tried everything, poured their soul into that person

to try to help facilitate change, only to watch them make the same decision over and over and over again. You understand how exhausting it is, how just like smashing your head up against the wall 24-7 and you're bleeding looking at the person that you're trying to help and they're not changing. And you'll ask yourself, what am I doing wrong? Where am I? falling short. Why can't I change this? The answer is simple, but it's not easy. You can't change anybody else. So it sounds like it's been a bit, but please, let's just open and, not I'm just going to say open and close, but I'm not done. Let's just open with, you can't change anyone. She needs to do it. She has to go on that journey to cross that bridge of not thinking about herself like a victim.

Now, she's doing therapy. She reads books. Okay, that's great. She is doing all of the work. It sounds like she's got some pretty substantial issues that came along with this particular relationship. I'm curious, how honest was she with the court? You know, 50-50 custody, I think at a baseline, if you have two parents that are willing to co-parent together and can communicate and they care the most about their young children above everything else, like that should be the absolute baseline template.

But for your girlfriend to have this level of post-traumatic stress, it sounds like there was probably not only emotional but potentially physical abuse as well. And I'm not going to claim to be an expert in the court system or the custody system. I'm just shocked that if he had a history of documented abuse like that, or perhaps he didn't, and that's why I said, I'm curious what she shared with the court. It's so shocking to me that he would get a 50-50 custody. However, that is what it is. The situation where he is, let's make an, I'm going to make an educated assumption here. There is an equal sign in the middle of this, and there are two pieces to this equation,

the father and the mother, which happens to be your girlfriend. It is unfortunately incredibly common that one side of that equation will pour nothing but negativity and like vitriol and hate and resentment. towards the adult on the other side of that equation into their kids. It sucks. I can't, I can't fathom what they think they get out of it other than probably thinking that they're winning somehow or they want to inflict pain both in the short and the long term on their previous partner. Neither of those, I think, justify what it'll actually do to the relationship in the long run, at least from what I've seen.

but it is incredibly common. The advice I would give to you on this is don't meet that negative energy with additional negative energy from yourself. Do not try to play this game of tit for tat. Well, he's doing this. And these are the things that he is obviously saying to make my child act like this towards me. So I need to come over the top and balance the scales and say those things plus others

about him. Do not, under any circumstance, do that. I understand the desire to do so because you're on the receiving end of a barrage. And the last thing that you want to do is stand there and eat it and not shoot back. But just remember what you'd be shooting back through. The person that is innocent in this equation is actually the child that bounces back and forth. If you start pouring that negativity into that child, I'm telling you right. now, not only is it not going to work out in the short term, but it's not going to work out in the long term. And it won't for the father of this child as well, because nine is an age where you're going to almost take everything your parents say at face value because you're nine,

and they're your parent. That's not the case when they're 19. And I don't think it's the case when they're 15. And I don't think it's even the case when they're 13 or 12. Every lap, around the sun, S-U-N, that your wife's son, S-O-N, is going to take, is going to improve their cognitive ability and their ability to separate the bullshit from the truth. So my advice to you, and this advice is going to absolutely suck because it's not going to net you feeling better in the moment. You're not going to feel like you're winning. You're not going to feel like you're getting even and you're not even going to feel like you are being able to tell your side of the story or the truth. But my advice to you and this child's mother is to at all times

be the absolute best version of yourself and show this nine-year-old who you are. And they may not see it at nine. And they may not see it at 10. But as they get older, I am telling you right now, They will start seeing the difference between what somebody is telling them and who you really are. And when that happens, the person who's actually going to suffer is this child's father, because it will destroy the long-term relationship with this child. And that really sucks because this shit is optional. You don't have to be this way. why people think that you have to win a divorce or win parenting is beyond me.

If you want to win a divorce and win parenting, be the fucking best version of yourself you can possibly be. Actually show your children how much you care about them by not wasting a second of your time trying to demean somebody else or blame things on somebody else. or do anything other than accept accountability for your own actions, behavior, speech, all of those things combined. Nobody wins. The kids don't win. The parents don't win. And this shit happens so often that it is stomach turning. And it's completely optional. And having said that, I also, I get it to a degree because you do want to be the hero in your own story. You don't want to be the person

or it doesn't feel great to be the person that says, yeah, I didn't do everything that I could have done. I fell short here and I fell short there and I need to do a better job here. But that's how you grow. I'm not saying you need to share all of those things with your kids. But maybe don't talk to your kids about those stuff. Maybe talk to your adult friends about adult things.

Your kids aren't your counselors. Your kids aren't your caretakers. If you have adult shit, you need to talk about, go find an adult. Food for thought. Um, so that's my advice. Be the best version of yourself that you can be. Be supportive of your girlfriend in her journey through what happened to her. Um, I have no way of really knowing how long they've been apart. So the kid's nine, but you've been together for three, so six. So they, you know, obviously the was born nine years ago.

I'm not so sure how soon after they broke up. You get a point being, I have no idea the proximity from these events to where she is now. And I don't think the path to working your way through things that happen to you in life is linear and direct. I think, based on my own experiences in life, you have some good days and some bad days. In some days, it does seem like you are making a straight path from A to B to C to D, wherever number you want to get to or letter. In other days, it seems like you're going A, B, C, A, B, C, A, B, C, A. Three steps forward, three steps back. And that's okay. So I don't think it's necessarily a matter of how long it should take. I think if she continues to put the work in and you're seeing progress, at least in the right direction, focus on that progress, celebrate that progress, support her as much as possible. You know, I said here the typical relationship arguments about where to eat can turn into a disaster. Okay, you've already. You've already. You've identified something that can get out of control quickly. Now start working your way backwards and identify when it is getting to a tipping point that leads to that disaster. Work your way back

from the precipice and identify as you are approaching it and stop it right there. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. Sometimes the best thing to do or to say is, hey, I don't want to escalate this any farther. Can we put a pin in this and come back in five minutes? or 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 30 minutes an hour. I don't know. Whatever the dynamic is and the relationship that you're having. That is so much better than forcing it and just cannonballing off that precipice into disaster. And again, people do it all the time.

Guess who is guilty of having done that a few times themselves? Yeah, me. I definitely have pushed it past even when I saw it coming because I was pissed and I wanted to be right. And I also want to be better than that, which is why I'm trying to give you the advice that I wish I would have listened. to when people said it to me. But sometimes I don't. That is what I would recommend. So don't set some hard timeline on this. Look for the earlier warning signs. Be the best supportive person that you can be for this child by being the best supportive person that you can be for this woman. Hopefully that helps. Question two and three. I noticed in a recent episode

it looks like you may have added to your tattoo collection. I was wondering if you had ever, I was wondering if you ever had given any explanation of your tattoos and why you chose to get the ones that you have. Do you regret any of them? Beyond a love of art and expression, tattoos give people. I have a few myself. I know your bone frog tattoo also has to do with your seal community,

similar to the recent ironclad episode with you discussing the Yakuza are all of your tattoos showing pieces of your community and history. No. The only tattoo I have, that shows anything to do prior, prior seal community is the bone frog tattoo that is on the inside of my arm. The outside of my arm, I'll wait to show people what the tattoo looks like when it is done because I'm actually covering the bone frogs up. I have sat for three sessions from the top of my shoulder down to just above the, I would it be the break in the bicep that where the skin folds? I don't know.

The joint. There's the big word I was looking for and struggling to find. The joint and the bend in your elbow. it's going to come all the way down to probably, I don't know, however far that is, four or five inches above my watch. And I'm going to do a full sleeve on the front side and the backside. Covering up the bone frogs. Bone frogs are a very, very specific tattoo directly tied to the seal community. I could not be more proud of my time in the seal community. It was an accomplishment for sure. And I don't want to only be remembered for that or have that be the first thought that comes. into people's mind when they meet me or they, as dumb as this is to say, they hear about me,

whatever it is. For me, it was very meaningful for a portion of time in my life. But what is more meaningful for me now is moving past that. So I'm covering it up and I'll explain the tattoo when it's completely done. I think I have to sit for about six more sessions. I've done like nine or ten hours in the chair. So probably six more over a period of time. I'm not rushing to do it because the guy who does it is local and trains jih Tzu. So he kind of like, hey, I got a couple hours here, a couple hours there. Like, right on. I'll be up there.

And some people have said, oh, you know, don't cover up those, the frogs. They mean so much. They do. But I also could get the same tattoo again if I wanted to. I could put a frog into the tattoo that I'm doing now. I could get it somewhere else on my body if I were to change my mind. That's kind of the beauty of it. I've already earned the right to do it.

So later on down the road, if I decide that I'd decide that I'd, something that I miss. Well, I know the guy I can call to put them back on there. But that's not how I feel right now. And that's why I'm going in that direction. The other two tattoos that I have. The first tattoo I ever got was this ying yang tattoo on my right shoulder and then the dragon that went around it.

What did they mean? Two things. They meant Jack and shit. The first one I got when I was 17. No, I was 18 because I was 18 years old when I was in high school. And I'm pretty sure I just went and got it done because I could. and my mom and dad's face my dad I think

laughed directly at me I think what he said to me was that looks really gay pretty sure those are the first words out of his mouth anybody who knows my dad would be like yeah that checks out my mom probably was just mortified beyond speech and yeah

then got to get you know she just it is what it is I was going to do what I was going to do I was 18 I was an adult I lived by my own rules the dragon tattoo I got in the philis Philippines. We were there on my first deployment, which was staged out of Japan. We were in the Philippines doing jungle training. Somebody scheduled a tattoo artist to come to the hotel that we were staying at. And then, like, everybody decided to get a tattoo. So I got a dragon. And I don't know why. And, yeah, it was quite a bit of time in the chair. And, and, um, yeah, it was quite a bit of time in the chair. And, um,

it has no meaning whatsoever as far as like that's where I was and that's what I was doing. So maybe I'll cover that up at some point too. I don't really know. But that's kind of where I am with my tattoo journey. That's all I have. The first one I ever got was the Ying Yang tattoo when I was 18. Actually, then the bone frogs and then the dragon because it kind of went in that order. 18, then when I was graduating from STT, getting ready to get my Trident.

And then when we were on our first deployment. So that's kind of it. That's the tapestry of my human art. And to me, I, you know, I had talked about getting the frogs covered up for years, but what I wanted to do, the person I was talking with, they didn't like the idea of not having it lasered off first. And I'm going to be totally honest. I didn't like the idea of lasering it off because I've heard that hurts even more than sitting in the chair for the tattoo itself. And then I found that local artist that specializes in essentially black and white with grays in between. And that was exactly kind of the design that I was looking for. And when it's all done, I mean, if people have an interest, I can talk. about it, but that's where I land on the tattoo journey. Second part of this, I myself am a graduate

of the Virginia Military Institute. Have you ever heard of this school in your military career? Yes, I have heard of it. Their arrival is the Citadel. It is a senior military college in Southern Virginia, of which many incredible accomplished military leaders and successful civilian leaders in our country's history have attended. One of the great things about my school beyond the leadership and personal fortitude skills it teaches is that unlike other SMCs, which stands for senior military colleges, we are not required to commission in the military upon graduation, which is interesting. It's largely a military academy, but you have the end choice to make. Do you actually want to join the military? Do you want to go do something else with the

education you received? I myself went into the civilian sector, like many of our graduates, and currently work in the clinical research field developing new therapeutics for cancer treatment. One of my childhood best friends is also a graduate of VMI, and his path differs from mine. He is currently a LTJG, which stands for Lieutenant Junior Grade, or an O2, or possibly a lieutenant, which is an O3, so O1 to 09, obviously O2 is one step above, O3 is one step above that. You're going to make O2 automatically after two years from your commission, and you will make 03 automatically two years after being advanced to O2. So your first two, much like on the enlisted side from E1 to E2 to E3, are automatic if you still show up for work and have a pulse.

So he's possibly an LT or that O3 that I mentioned, I believe, on an East Coast SEAL team and Curley on his first deployment. Our contact has become more scarce over the past few years, understandably so, but I know he is the perfect man for his position. He is level-headed and tough as hell when it comes to fighting any challenges in life he has faced. And he continues to challenge himself and grow from when we were just kids on my childhood street. I wanted to know beyond listening to your senior NCOs, what advice would you pass along to a young SEAL officer on his first deployment? In addition, when any of the advice also be applicable to me in the civilian sector. So I'll answer this through the lens. I'm going to try to give the advice is the same,

but the lens of somebody who is new in a career, new in a role, new in an occupation, because that's what Lieutenant JG is on their first platoon. You've done initial seal training. You've done seal, what do they call it now, STT, SEAL Tactical Training? I don't know what they go. SQT, SEAL qualification training, whatever the hell it is. It's another 18 months long. You get your tried at the end of that.

Then you're going to get sent to the team you're going to be attached to. You're going to do a full workup and then you're going to deploy. When I was in pre-9-11 deployments were 18 months of a workup, six months of a deployment. As I was leaving, if you weren't deploying to a combat environment, it was shifting back to something very similar, 18 and 6, which, if you can do the math on that, right, carry the one. 24 months, it's a two-year cycle. So your life exists largely at a conventional SEAL team in these just two-year non-stopping rotations. So you're new. You're probably the third officer, meaning one of three officers, the most junior in a seal platoon.

Or you're the AOIC, the assistant officer in charge. The man above you would be the OIC or the officer in charge. They are overall responsible. And in the rank hierarchy, you would fall right underneath them. And then the senior enlisted leaders would fall underneath you. So you are senior by rank, but you are not senior by experience. Another way you can think about this is you've graduated. from an occupational training and you have a lot of book knowledge, but absolutely no real world

experience or street smarts. And that's okay because all of us will navigate our way through multiple situations like that many times throughout your life. If you continue to be a lifelong learner and you explore things that you consider to be interesting. And I think you should. I don't believe in the fountain of youth, but I think constantly challenging yourself physically and mentally is as close to the fountain of youth as you can get. I do think brain, power, and physical ability is kind of a use it or lose it deal. If you don't, you're not going to have it when you need it. So totally digressing from your question. I apologize. My advice is this. For somebody who is new in their role that may be looked at in a leadership position,

don't be in a rush to have all the answers. That is the biggest piece of advice that I can give you. The smartest leaders that I have ever been around never made a single attempt to be the smartest person in the room. What they did attempt to do without fail was developed the smartest room possible. They staffed their weaknesses. They knew what they were strong in.

They knew where they were weak. And they weren't dishonest about those strengths. weaknesses because I'm here to tell you no person can do everything well. There are people who are very good at a lot of things. But if you give me enough time, I will find something that you suck at, period. It's going to happen. And it's okay. That's called being a human being. You don't have to have all the answers. It's okay to ask questions. For a young SEAL officer specifically, what I would say is you need to make sure that you are out as often as possible working with and training with the guys. There will be different roles from logistical perspectives, from administrative perspectives that you are going to be required to do in an operational element like that, and that is okay.

Get those things done, but spend as much time as you can developing and understanding of the roles of the people that work for you. Spend time out there with them on the training ranges, on evolutions that you know physically suck, the people just, just don't want to do them, make sure you're there every time. Be the first person there and the last person to leave. And you don't have to be an expert, but you need to be able to perform at the baseline level just like everybody else. There's nothing worse in any organization having a boss that regardless of how hard they try can't perform to even the baseline standard that everybody is expected to be able to

perform to. It's one of the ways that you can just absolutely erode any level of like respect or trust, especially in the SEAL teams. Like we're out online and like your OIC or AOC can't even meet the basic shooting standards. Yeah, the guys are going to talk shit about you. They're going to wonder why you're in that role, right? Now, is it your job necessarily to be a trigger puller? No. It's your job to manage the trigger pullers and get them into places where they can do their job. but sometimes you are required to do that job as well. And standards are exactly that. They're standards.

And they should be blind and they should apply to everybody. You can't pick and choose which standards you're going to meet and which ones you're not going to. If it's a requirement of your job, you need to be able to meet them all. So meet those standards. And if you have questions, there's a time for open door questions, meaning in a group. and I would say if it's a technical question, ask technical questions in that open door setting. And if it's more around a leadership or a behavioral question or a type of conduct or what would be expected of you, have those conversations quietly with your leadership. You don't need to be questioning your leadership ability in front of the people that you're going to be leading.

And that's why you can solicit advice up your chain of command. So you're going to have to develop and find this balance between where you're going to be. working with the guys and then working on your craft, which is for you do the standards, but your craft actually needs to be leadership. I don't expect people to know a lot about leadership when they've never been in a leadership role. It took me a long time to develop an understanding of it. And let me be very clear. I've failed in every single aspect of leadership many, many times more than I would probably care to admit. I hope that I've made some good calls. I wouldn't blame anybody for if they are ever asked about me. Like, hey, did you ever work?

work with Andy? How was he's a leader? And they're like, he fucking sucked. Probably not going to argue against that because there have been times in my life where I definitely did. But I did the best I could. And when I got into leadership positions, I tried not to come in the first day and, like, change all of the rules just to show people that I was in charge. I tried to ask more questions and listen more than I talked. Get an understanding of the strengths and weaknesses. Get an understanding of your role. Start to develop some interpersonal relationships, making sure that you have the appropriate boundaries between being the person in charge. In the world that I came from, it would be very easy to have an overly close and tight

friendship between an officer and enlisted. As long as that can be respected on the battlefield, that's something that you can manage. But you have to make sure that at the end of the day, you understand that friendship is one thing. Being in charge in these positions is another. And all this applies to the civilian world as well, maybe less consequence for a civilian job, but the same characteristics would still apply. So all of those things and just try not to think that you need to be the person with all the answers. Don't come in swinging Thor's hammer to show people how big of a badass you are from this is how good of a leader I am. Don't say shit. Just show them. That's the best advice I give you. And oh yeah, I was going to end on one more thing. An email that I got.

Three years. I listened to you talk about keeping your world small. I got divorced, decided to get my BS in education to continue my passion for coaching that I discovered as a CF coach, which stands for CrossFit. It's been the worst two and a half years of my life. I graduated today. I felt no emotions until today. I kept my world small and focused on the hour to hour for two and a half years. And I'm overjoyed. Thank you. I am so happy it is over. Thank you for the help. I know I'll never be on a full auto Friday. Ha, got you there. But you're helping more than you I was in the darkest point of my life after my divorce. I feel like I failed an oath to God, finding a new goal and focusing on the hour to hour helped.

I don't know why, but your words of encouragement helped. 21,915 hours later, I feel better. Your words are important. Keep going. What a fucking awesome email. I've learned a lot about myself doing this podcast. And I truly try to answer the questions. people ask me with blanket honesty. I'll tell you where I succeeded and I'll tell you everywhere

that I have failed, which is more than I've succeeded. I'll tell you where I fell short. I'll tell you where I think I've done okay. I leave it to other people to judge my military career. I just try to be myself. And one of the things that I know I have reinforced over years is this concept of keeping your world small, which is something that has helped me since I was working for my dad moving bricks. The reason I talk about it so much is because of how impactful it is and how much impact it can have not only on my own life, that I've seen, but on other people's life like this. So this email is awesome. I have no idea who this person is, but I'm really glad you found the podcast. And I'm really glad that you stuck to it. The things I talk about,

keeping your world small, it doesn't make it any easier. It makes it more digestible. 21,915 hours is not a small chunk. But you saw your way through it by keeping your world small, one step at a time, abide at a time until you ate the whale. Not something of my creation, something that I am just trying to pass along because of the impact it had for me. And emails like this are exactly why I don't think I'll ever stop doing this podcast. Because I love it. And that's it. See you guys on Monday.