Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - TRT Dilemmas, Knife Carrying Cops, and Helping a Friend in Crisis

Episode Date: June 14, 2024

Back to our normally scheduled Friday Q and A: 1. TRT: Is It Right for You? – We hear from a seasoned prosecutor and martial artist who's grappling with the pressures of life and considering testosterone replacement therapy (TRT).  2. Fixed Blade Knives for Law Enforcement – A police officer from Minnesota seeks advice on the controversial topic of carrying fixed blade knives as backup weapons. 3. Supporting a Friend in Crisis – A listener opens up about a deeply concerning conversation with his best friend, who is struggling with suicidal thoughts. The Speed of War Comic Series: https://www.thespeedofwar.com/ Check out the newest Cleared Hot Gear here: https://shop.clearedhotpodcast.com/  

All right, it's Friday, everybody. You know what that means. It's going to be Q&A time. I hope you enjoyed the extra episode this Wednesday. Meant to get it out the Friday before. Like I said, the internet speed and timing of when we were able to sit down was a little bit off. So still the same number of episodes delayed just a little bit. Three questions for today.

Very different topics. And we'll get you into your weekend. Here we go. I'm looking at danger close now. All right, away we go. Question number one is actually about TRT. And I owe an episode where I have talked about my own experience on this. I think I'm about at the six-month mark right now.

I started right after my surgery in December. I do think it really helped with the recovery and rehab from that. And like I said, I owe an episode at some point in time. Enough people have reached out asking about my experience that I'll get into it. This one touches on it a little bit. Before I even read this question or answer it, I am obviously not a doctor. I'm not giving anybody medical advice in any way, shape, or form. The answer that I will give to this is completely through the lens of my own personal experience.

And that's it. So just take it at that from a 46-year-old dude who put this off as long as he thought it was reasonable, maybe even a little bit longer. And I mean, I can talk about six months of experience. And that's it. So here's the question. I've been doing martial arts since the age of 12, BJJ for the past. last 14 years. I lived heavy and have a very demanding job as a prosecutor. Diet is decent. I have worked with for and represented law enforcement for almost 20 years. Sometimes that means

staying out all night on a homicide or soul-numbing work of trying cases and staying up nights and weekends to prepare. It might be juggling a million tasks as we are underfunded, in parentheses, defunded, unsupported, and understaffed. Like many of us, that's balancing family life, other demands, and just trying to drink enough water in the day while keeping my opinions to myself. The internet demands I sack up and be more of a man. Frankly, sometimes I just don't want to. Several of my BJJ buddies have gotten onto the TRT train. And for somebody who has been living under a rock, since I'm going to use this acronym here a little bit, it stands for testosterone replacement therapy. I have also heard it referred to as hormone replacement therapy. And I think

they're the same thing. And in my mind, they both include more than just testosterone. That's the one of the main components, but at least in my own experience, I am on a regiment of a lot of other things, mostly vitamins, minerals, and supplements in addition to the small amount of testosterone. So maybe some people, it is just legitimately testosterone. From my understanding of TRT and HRT, they are used interchangeably. and the testosterone is just a small portion of that.

The master's division is proof positive that TRT can keep us competitive. For those of you who don't do Jiu-Jitsu, the Masters Division is the elders, the old farts, which I think starts at the age of 30 in Jiu-Jitsu, which just lets you know how fucking savage it is underneath that. I mean, there's people who grew up on the mats, and good luck competing with that. So I believe it's every five years for a master's category.

So I would be, I don't know, Masters four or five, if I competed, which I don't. Moving on. I've had blood work done three times, and it shows what you might expect of a 50-year-old grappler with a full-time life. I'm a pure blood with nothing but caffeine and protein. While I'm not looking for your take on whether or not TRT is right for me,

I am curious about your thoughts on TRT generally, as I would assume this is likely used a lot with guys in your old job. High-performing men don't stop performing as highly as they can until they can't. the marketing for TRT is pretty intense. So I'm a little skeptical of all the car salesmen assuring me I'll be 18 again, which, by the way, is something I do not ever want to be again, as I was an emotional retard, unfocused and unable to do what was necessary. Help you're well and look forward to take as look forward to your take as it's the topic

de jour for men of our vintage. Hit me up if you're in town. You're always welcome on our mats. Appreciate the offer. And I agree. It is kind of the topic de jour of men. from our vintage, which is a line that I will be stealing and using likely for the remainder of my life. What a classy way to say, old fucks. Even though I never thought 46 was possible,

here I am. I heard rumblings of military prescribed testosterone as I was exiting. I have no experience, at least direct experience with people that were open as to whether or not they were pursuing testosterone replacement therapy. I did work with a lot of people. I'm going to back that up a bit. I did work with some people that were not therapeutically replacing their testosterone, if you can understand what it is that I'm putting down. They were at an age where their endocrine system was working just fine.

But they wanted to perhaps be bigger, stronger, or better. faster. Steroids is something I'm not going to say that is prevalent in the seal community, at least during the time period that I was in, but it was also not, what would be the best way to say this? It was present and not invisible. It would not be hard to determine the individuals that were partaking in that. An open secret perhaps would be the best way to describe it. It was there. Was it pushed and promoted? Not in my mind. experience. Did people pursue that path if they wanted to? Yes. And let me be a killer on this point, too. If you're a consenting adult, I don't really care what you do. If people want to use

anabolic steroids earlier in their life and they understand the risk associated with that and they're making a decision as an adult, I actually don't care. The consequences that come from that are going to be yours to deal with. And so that's the decision for you to make. I just wish sometimes people wouldn't piss on me and tell me that it was rain. You know, if you want to make that choice, go ahead. But don't tell me it's from chicken breast and broccoli. Can we just all act like there's some level of intelligence shared between us all? That's all I'm asking. All right. So, and now I'm completely off topic. Other than I'll round it up. I didn't hear about TRT until after I was out. And I will agree with you that I have heard a lot of it or have heard more about it in the recent,

one to three years. Generally, I was hearing about it from people in their late 30s and early 40s. And I would agree with you. Some people can be really aggressive with the marketing. And I don't know why other than they don't want to be maybe the only person. Maybe they want to share the experience with other people. They would feel more comfortable with other people were doing what they were doing. I don't know.

And again, I don't care. Be a consenting adult. Educate yourself. and make the best decision you can and understand the consequences that come from your decisions are yours. So I got my blood drawn in Q4 of 2023. I put it off. And I think I put it off because I didn't really want to know what the results were because I kind of felt what the results were. And I didn't feel like I was falling apart by any stretch. But You wake up tired enough.

Just dragging and feeling like you're having a hard time recovering, a little bit of brain fog, maybe just like you're walking through oatmeal on some days. And by some days, I mean most days. And a few of my other friends had talked about their experience. And what I appreciated in them discussing it, there was twofold. One, they didn't talk about returning to being in the age of 18, which has not been my experience by any. stretch. Obviously, we were all men. We're emotional retards at that age. Probably unable to focus or focus on only one thing, if you know what I'm talking about. And the TRT is not going to drive you

back to that emotional state. I can understand people saying that it makes you feel like you're 18 again. Again, not my experience by any stretch. So I appreciated that the people who talked to me about it discussed it from a longevity perspective. They were looking forward, not backwards. And they also discuss it in terms of being very holistic, meaning one small piece of a very large pie or puzzle, depending on how you would want to look at it. I think I take 13 or 14 pills per day in addition to a very small amount of testosterone. I originally started on a shot every three days, and my experience has been a little bit up and down. I have noticed a difference in my recovery. I have noticed a difference of my ability to rest, a decrease in brain fog.

I do recover faster from training jiu-jitsu or physical activities in general. But I also, again, am taking everything from fish oil to a large dose of vitamin D3 because my vitamin D3 was almost non-existent to DHA and Pregnantalone, omega-3 fatty acids, berberine. And again, I owe an episode where I have no problem. talking about exactly what I have embarked upon for myself and why and how I have felt about it. But when I first started, one of the first things that happens, I gained like 15 pounds of water, and I couldn't figure out why.

I did some research, and that's a natural thing when the endocrine system and your body shifts, since your body's reaction to it. I eventually shifted to a subcutaneous shot every day for Monday through Friday, and I take Saturday and Sunday off. It's a slower release of the testosterone, and my body seems to be taught. tolerating it better. So even getting on to begin with, it's not like all of a sudden you feel great. For most of the people I've talked to, it's about a year of slowly moving things here and there to get yourself to a place where you want to maintain. I've had blood work done.

My most recent blood work done was about a month ago, maybe a month, call it 45 days just to be safe. And many, I'm trying to think if there weren't any metrics that moved in the right direction. I don't want to be dishonest or make a mistake. So I'm going to say most, if not all, of the metrics to include my testosterone measurements, moved in the right direction. Do I feel like I'm 18? I absolutely don't. Do I feel better? Yes, I do.

But the one main thing that I am also focusing on more, in addition to TRT, is rest in recovery, and drinking enough water. Holy cow. That one actually in the morning slamming two full glasses of water. They're probably 12 or 16 ounces. Not slamming because it makes me want to throw up if I do that. But I drink them before starting my day. That one change right there. Holy shit has been really good. And rest. Prioritizing rest in recovery. I don't give a shit what you are on. If you eat like a garbage can and you don't prioritize your rest and give your body enough time to recover, I don't think it matters what you. you're on. And that's the thing that I hear about TRT that I don't like from people who say, I feel like I'm 18 again. It's, I mean, one, I also know a lot of people who claim that they are on TRT, testosterone replacement therapy, their dose is not therapeutic. It's like superhuman.

So let's just, I mean, let's be honest here in call a spade a spade. There are people who are trying to get back to being 18 and they are shooting. for the moon with their dosage. And again, I don't have any problem with that. That is not what I am trying to do. I am trying to find a level of testosterone that allows me to function, rest and recover better, perform better, and allow me to extend my life from a physically active perspective for as long as possible.

Those to me are two different things. The superhuman testosterone level versus, I mean, I've heard everything from trying to get your testosterone from the 8 to 200 level. mine wasn't even to eight yet on my most recent blood draw. And I'm totally happy with that because I want to slowly work my way into a place where I can find a zone to stabilize for maximum benefit in the long term. I am not going for superhuman. I would describe my athletic ability for my entire life as aggressively average.

Nothing that I injected to myself is going to change that. And I have no desire to. So for those of people who are going on that path, again, no judgment. but maybe it shouldn't be called testosterone replacement therapy. Maybe you should just call it being on testosterone because you want to be. I think being honest and upfront about that, excuse me, would clarify things for a lot of people. In my own personal experience, it, when I was, I did also a lot of research.

TRT is not consequence free. there can be complications. I also researched, though, as an adult male, the risk and complications that can come from low testosterone and the impact it can have on longevity and heart disease, cardiovascular issues, Alzheimer's, and it became a balancing act and a choice. If I'm looking at this from the perspective of longevity and both actions, one maintaining the course, what does you say, you were, pure blood, nothing but caffeine and protein. I understand where you're coming from. Maintaining that as a course and accepting the potential complications and risks or going on to TRT, which is largely going to be a lifelong path or pursuit and the risks and complications with that. That's the balancing act right there. I chose the latter. I chose the TRT path and protocol with medical

oversight, consistent blood draws, and a slow trajectory towards a distant horizon, trying to creep myself back to feeling better across a variety of metrics, not just physical, not just how I think or clarity of thought, and pulling the oatmeal out from my shoes so I don't feel like I'm walking through that. It was all of those things. And so far it has been that, but it is not magic. And anybody that tells you that it is magic, maybe that has been their experience. but I think to be truly honest about it, it's not really like that.

And again, I think a lot of times people describe it like that because they want more people to do it so they don't feel like they're alone. And here's what I will say. Since I have been pretty open and honest about talking about this, a number of people that I didn't realize were kind of on this same path that have reached out. I'm talking about personal friends and just said, hey man, you know, I'm kind of exploring the same thing. don't want to talk about it openly, no judgment there whatsoever. It's more prevalent than I think people would recognize or realize. So look at your blood work, look at how you're feeling,

and then just like you said, it's not for me to say whether or not it's right for you. All I can say was I got to a place where I felt like it was right for me. And I did a lot of research on it. I talked to a lot of people. And I acknowledge that it's not without risk. And I'm trying to mitigate those and enhance everything else that I'm doing by eating better, by sleeping better, by training smartly, by trying to recover, all of those things. Because I don't think TRT is going to do much unless you add the rest of that in there. So hopefully that helps. It's been my experience.

It's not magic. It's not going to flip a light switch. Your body may not adjust to it greatly in the very beginning. I would definitely do some research on the first. one to six months, I think the water retention that I have experienced is pretty normal, and it seems to be fading away, especially with drinking more water, but also I think my body is getting a little bit more used to the dosage. So that has been my experience. I hope that helps for you. And if you have any more questions, just reach out directly to me again over email,

and I'll do the best I can to answer. Question two. I'm a police officer in Minnesota. recently a department-wide email was sent out regarding carrying a fixed-blade knife or carrying fixed-blade knives in our department. An article was linked regarding a sheriff deputy that was attacked on a traffic stop who used a fixed-blade knife to defend himself after the suspect tried to grab his gun. The email was encouraging officers to carry a fixed-blade knife as a backup weapon. I have always been put off by the idea of carrying a fixed-blade knife as it adds one more weapon to my kit to keep track of that can be taken off and used against me in a deadly encounter. counter. Although your experiences are different than the average cop, what is your appearing on carrying or not carrying a fixed blade knife? Interesting question, and I cannot answer this at all from the law enforcement perspective that you pointed out. I carried a knife

with me all the time in my old job and never once did I try to stab somebody with it or did I need to defend myself with it, but I did open a lot of envelopes and boxes and MRI bags and like I pride stuff with it and I got shit out from underneath my fingernails because that's what I viewed it as. It was a tool. I don't think I ever even would have thought to try to pull it out and stab somebody with. If somebody, you know, I had a primary weapon system and a secondary weapon system. If somebody got into a tussle with me and they were, you know, fighting for control of my primary,

I would have gone for my secondary. Also would have waited for somebody that I was, you know, maybe wrap them up and just wait for somebody that I was on target with to put what's on the inside of their head, on the outside of their head for me. That would be helpful. So a different world. I have enough police officer friends that I've heard this conversation a few times. And all I can really say is, much like the first question, TRT, is it worth the risk or not? You have identified already the potential hazards of carrying another lethal weapon system on you that you have to keep track of that could come out of your kit that could be used against you, something that you have to must.

monitor and manage. But then also, it's a real thing that a sheriff's deputy could, in fact, defend themselves with a fixed blade knife. What I'd really want to know, though, is how many other tools did that officer have available to them? Did they try to use those tools first? And what led to that situation to begin with? I mean, there's obviously a lot to unpack. And maybe you can get a little bit more detail on that. You know, if your department is recommending that you carry a fixed blade knife, I get it. That's, I mean, remember, that's a recommendation. If they were mandating it, that would be a different thing. Some of the officers up here that I know, they don't carry a fixed blade knife, but they will carry a spring-loaded knife that when activated essentially is

exactly the same thing, but it can be retracted. So, I mean, does that really make it any safer necessarily? Pros and cons? It would require an additional level of manipulation. You'd have to get your hand on it and then actually manipulate it to get the blade to come out. But that could also be a safety mechanism because maybe in a tussle somebody would grab it and not know how to do that in the moment and wouldn't be able to use it against you, right? So pros and cons. And for questions like these, I don't think there's right or wrong answers. It's just risk versus reward. What I'll say is this. The last thing that I ever want to do is get into a knife fight with somebody. knives scare me more than bullets do.

I have been shot before. I have not been stabbed before. If you gave me the choice between having to get into a knife fight with somebody for 20, 30 seconds again or get shot again, if I got to pick the location and it was like non-lethal, I could go through the calf or something like that. I'm going with getting shot every time. If people don't understand why I say that, at a time in place that's not going to freak out your coworkers, friends or family, and maybe not after eating, go on to Google and search the aftermath of edged weapon confrontations. Holy shit.

They are horrendous. I'll leave it at that. Search to your heart's content or maybe just take my word for it. It seems like if a knife is introduced, like somebody's getting cut. Both people are going to get cut. It's going to be normal. There's going to be a lot of blood. and it was something that I would want to avoid at all costs.

I don't know what else you could have as a tool in your department. I mean, I've seen people with batons. I've seen people with tasers. I don't think I've seen any cops with brass knuckles. That would be pretty cool, although I bet you that's illegal in all 50 states. I just happen to see that in a movie. That's why I said that or why it came to mind. But there's a reason, you know, just make sure I'll leave it with this.

I can't tell you whether or not it's right or wrong. I did carry one in my old job, but it was for the purposes that I already described. It was a tool, and I guess in absolute like red-dawn situations, it could be considered a weapon. But other than that, I never even thought of it like that. I didn't allow people to touch me. If you came at me like that and charged me, you were not going to make it to me. So the rules were just different. So the rule set I played with has almost nothing to do with the rule set you are playing with.

All I can say for you is understand deeply the pros and cons of adding something else to your kit. If you were to add a second tourniquet, I would say no problem because there's really no downside to that. And you might be able to save somebody else's life. If you add an edged weapon to that, there is potential downside. So just weigh that and make the decision for yourself. just because an officer is able to defend themselves with a fixed blade knife, in my opinion, doesn't mean that it is necessarily a great idea to advocate everybody carry one of those things. Is it a bad idea?

I'm not saying that either, but one single usage, I don't know if that justifies the addition to everybody else's kit. Also, if you're going to view a weapon as a defense tool or a knife, as a weapon or a defense tool. You need to train with it. Don't put it on your kit unless you know how to use it. And there are courses out there specifically that I know of of law enforcement officers teaching edge weapon confrontations. One, if one's introduced and you don't have one and then how do you control, stabilize the subject, take them to the ground, take the knife, cuff them, all of those things. If you're going to carry it, know how to use it. That's what I'm saying. And understand what it is capable of. And that's the best answer that I can give you,

and I wish you the best of luck. You have a horrendously difficult job that does not get the respect that it deserves. And it can be hard enough as it is. So think this one through before you take action on it. If you decide to go that path, educate yourself, train yourself, and be current, capable, and competent with that weapon system. Last question. Shifting gears, and this ties into something that I had a panel discussion with while we were in Normandy. I try not to talk about suicide too much because I don't want it to be like this overhanging, overarching narrative, but these emails that I get, I think you'll understand why when I read this, I think sometimes it's important to bring up.

So from the outside I'm looking in, from my perspective, this friend of mine has, in a sense been the guide rod for what I've been trying to model in my own life and behavior after. for a little bit of context, we're both in our late 20s and have gone almost exact opposite in our life paths. The subject line of this was, I'm worried my friend is about to kill himself. So sorry, I left that out. I made some very stupid decisions in my early 20s and that awarded me a one-year prison sentence with a 10 years of probation afterwards, currently on year 5 of 10. At the same time, I was getting sentenced due to poor life choices. He was buying a house, getting married a couple years ago, had a kid. From my perspective, and most people's perspective, He was living a pretty idealistic life, but here recently we were both sitting around a campfire a little drunk, and out of the blue, he asked, have you ever sat down and seriously thought about killing yourself?

At first, I was a little caught off guard. Yeah, no shit, that's not a normal conversation question. I knew from some conversations in the past that he was dealing with some shit, but whenever I would attempt to dig any deeper, he would try and push it off to a later conversation, which is not abnormal. People deflect those conversations. Well, that later conversation was now here. We talked for a good hour or two, and a lot of it seems to boil down to he doesn't feel adequate in air quotes. I guess it's the way I would put – I guess that's the way I would put it. A lot of the conversation revolved around how over the last five years he has either been fired or willingly changed jobs roughly five or six times and is in a pretty bad spot financially.

He was actually just fired less than 48 hours before this conversation. I did what I could to try and put some things into perspective for him. Not very well, though, because I was also a little bit drunk. Things like the fact that he has a wife and a baby girl at home that love him and depend on him. But one thing he said in particular that really stood out to me was when we got to that part of the conversation. They'd be better off without me around anyway. Something about the tone of voice he had when he said that scared the shit out of me in that moment. Throughout the conversation, he would attempt to reassure me that he's too much of a coward to actually do it,

but then what followed up is something along the lines of they'd be better off or they would get over it in time. I asked him if he ever talked to his wife about any of this and his only real response to that was something along the lines of, I don't need her only staying with me because she thinks I'll kill myself if she leaves. Like I said, a lot of the conversation really revolved around him not really revolved around him not living up to being the man he wants to be as both a provider and spiritually. Well, a few things I did have to say during the conversation felt like they hit a brick wall. Any insight or advice you might have would go a long way. I apologize for the long rambling nature of this email, but I've been racking my brain for the past week, trying to think of who I could ask for some advice that doesn't know him personally.

I promised I wouldn't tell anybody about our little conversation, but at the same time, I love the dude like a brother, and I seriously worry about him. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Okay. Didn't really mean to end this on a little bit of a darker one. The reason this jumped out at me, we were in Normandy and we did a panel. It was, let's see here, J.T., Evan, Matt, myself, and Tim. One of the panels, we did two of them. One of them was for people kind of reinventing themselves post-military service. The other one was trying to understand or tackle or make a difference in veteran suicide. In the panel, I gave the advice. that I'm about to give you and I have given before. And then I'm going to add something that Tim added that I hadn't actually heard of or thought of. My advice to you is to get aggressive because the worst case scenario in this is that you're at your good friend's funeral. When you get aggressive, what do I mean by that?

I mean address it with this individual again and address it with him often, but not around alcohol. I understand that alcohol can be a social lubricant. Sometimes it can get people to talk about things they wouldn't necessarily do so. But this conversation and these conversations need to happen in an environment where you're sober. Is that going to make it uncomfortable? Probably. Too fucking bad. Okay.

Talk to the person. Bring it up. Be positive. And by that I mean, don't be passive. I mean positive and proactive in your approach. What Tim added to this, I think there were two questions. The second one I'm positive of, but the first one I think you've already asked. And that is, have you thought about killing yourself?

The second question to that, which Tim explained, is a very important step, is have you developed or have you thought of a plan or do you have a plan to kill yourself? So it goes beyond the concept of the idea of thinking about it. Have you put together an actual plan as to what you would do? It is my understanding if they do have that plan, the severity is much more significant. I am not saying if they don't have a plan, it's not serious. But I think they might be a lot closer to, God, what is the word, taking action if they have a detailed plan in place. So be aggressive. Ask if they've thought about it. Ask if they have put together a plan. If you get yes to, you know, and they have answers to all those things.

if it were me, I would literally and metaphorically wrap my arms around this person, and I don't know if I would let them out of my sight until I could get them to a higher level of care. At some point in time, you're going to have to ask yourself, do I involve his wife or not? And if you don't know the answer to that question as to whether or not you want to ask it from a different perspective, if your friend kills himself, are you going to regret not letting his wife be involved in this process and let her be involved and take actions that might actually save his life? if you would regret it and you wish you would have, if you can think about it from that lens, then I think that answers the question for you.

These conversations can be really difficult and they can be uncomfortable and they can make it seem like you're pushing somebody away. Of all the friends that I have had that have killed themselves, I wish I had been more probing. I wish I had been more aggressive. I wish I had reached out more. And the main thing that I wish that if I could go back in time is that I could just have one more conversation with them. Not like in this broad metaphorical sense, but specifically about whether or not they were thinking about killing themselves, whether or not they had a plan. I just feel like if I could go back or I hope, and maybe it's a fruitless thought that everybody has, but it just feel like if I could go back and literally explain how much love and care these people have a wrong. them and what the impact would be if they make that choice and that they don't have to.

And no matter how shitty they feel, nothing is permanent in life unless you make it, I feel like it would have made a difference. You are living in the place that I wish I could have been in many times. So take action on that. Ask them those questions because regret is a bastard. And if you don't do those things and he goes down a past. that you are afraid of, that's going to be living with for the rest of your life. And that's all I have for Friday.