Cleared Hot - Powered By BRCC - Unseen Wounds - A Cautionary Tale of Secondary PTSD

Episode Date: May 31, 2024

Today's first email is a raw and emotional account of a man's journey through separation from his wife, shedding light on the impact of secondary PTSD on relationships. His story is a cautionary tale, urging listeners to recognize the subtle yet profound effects their high-stress jobs can have on their loved ones. He shares his struggle with mental health, the breakthrough he experienced with proper treatment, and the realization of his role in his marriage's deterioration. His message is clear: it's never too late to seek help and show gratitude to those who support us.  In the second email, we shift gears to a practical question about improving rifle shooting skills for the upcoming hunting season. Advice on drills and techniques for mastering the basics of shooting, tips on trigger control, body posture, and dry firing exercises to help hunters enhance their precision and confidence in the field. Wolf 21- Check out what they have to offer for the best sleep of your life: https://www.thewolf21.com Use Code: "clearedhot" for 30% off of your 1st order  The Speed of War Comic Series: https://www.thespeedofwar.com/ Check out the newest Cleared Hot Gear here: https://shop.clearedhotpodcast.com/  

What's going on, everybody? Friday, a little bit of a different format or template for today. I'll get into that in a second. Trying to think about things that are coming up. France, that's what I have next on the horizon. I'll be headed there. The first coming home, the ninth, expect a lot of content from the 80th anniversary of D-Day. I'll be there with the Black Rifle Crew. Right after I get back, June 10th, I think it's safe to start talking about this now. I was waiting. a little bit just based on how schedules shift. June 10th, Black Rifle Coffee, Callisbell. 1 to 3 p.m. Tulsi Gabbard is coming into town.

Her new book is going to be for sale at the shop. I order 200. I'm not doing RSVPs. If you want to get a book, come out, buy one at the store. She'll sign it for you. She'll probably have some remarks, I would imagine, when we first start. But I leave that up to her. I haven't actually asked her specifically.

So if you're in driving distance, If you're in driving area of Calispell, Montana, that includes, I'd say, some of Idaho and, you know, basically Montana itself. Come on out. We're going to do a podcast before, and then we'll be over there from one to three. And then she's off to do other Josh Smith, Montana Knife Company stuff after that. So that's it. Let's get into today's episode, which is I'm going to end it with answering one question specifically about hunting and hunting rifle setups, even though it's a touch early for hunting season. it's a good time to start thinking about it. And then I'm just going to read an email that a listener

sent in because I think it's powerful and important. So here we go. I'm looking at danger close now. All right, like I mentioned, slightly different format. Sometimes I get emails that are moving. I think that would be the best description of it. Powerful. Stop me in my tracks a little bit, read them a few times. And this is one of those. it's important enough that I'm going to read it because at the end the individual said that they didn't mind if I did and was hopeful that the message would be impactful to anybody who listens or watches the show. And then we'll transition into a lower gear, if you will, and talk about the hunting rifle setup question and some practice advice when it comes to getting ready for hunting season. By the time this comes out, I don't know why I just said that because this is going to come. out tomorrow. This is Thursday. It'll be close to the first day of June, June, July, August, September,

four, five months away from hunting season depending on what you hunt and where. So probably not a bad time to knock the proverbial metaphorical and literal dust off your hunting gear. But here I go. Recently, my wife and I went into a legal separation. I have been away most of the year at another base, but left the family at the place. We called home since my assignment was less than a year ago. I didn't want to uproot them to support my career. I drove home one to two times a month to see my wife and kids and spend time with them. This year away was an opportunity to better myself, I thought, as the last few years had been rough on me physically and mentally. I had gained about 40 pounds and struggled to get it off. I was depressed and anxious all of the time. I had

pretty bad insomnia, and I thought getting away from my unit and lifestyle for a bit would be what I needed for a reset. The problem is, I didn't seek help in the mental department until later in the year due to my own fear and anxiety of asking for help. When I finally did in January, they booked me an intake appointment for three months later. This fucking gutted me. I had finally admitted I needed help, but had to wait another three months. The first appointment was trash. The lady was three hours late and didn't understand where I was coming from. She was focused on telling me I was lonely, and it needed to eat less sugar. And I had squared away my diet long before this.

Anywho, she said she wanted to refer me to a prescriber to talk about anxiety meds and sleep meds. But she couldn't because no doctors were available. So she recommended I try some over-the-counter meds. I, again, was just fucking gutted. I finally admitted I needed help, but I couldn't get it. WTF, which for those of you out there who don't know, stands for what the fuck. is wrong with me. Thankfully, a classmate of mine, a local Green Beret heard me out about my issues and immediately connected. Dude, I know everything you're describing because I've dealt with it

and I am dealing with it. Let me reach out to my doc and get you pulled over to our clinic. She should reach out to you shortly. Holy breath of fresh air. Someone that understands. Long story short, I got into that clinic. They analyzed my symptoms and story and could describe my issues back to me and a way that made it a solvable problem. I was in a high-tempo organization for the past five years and never could take a knee or reset. My body doesn't know how at this point, nor does my brain, so I am constantly amped up and on edge.

What is the next problem? And I didn't realize I felt completely lost when I wasn't surrounded by chaos and problems. Who'd have figured? I thought I was sick of that shit. Anywho, they got me on. some very high, or sorry, anywho, they got me on some very light anti-anxiety meds to help me level out for a bit with the intent that it is not a lifetime prescription and blood pressure

meds that drop my blood pressure while I sleep so my body doesn't amp up into the fight or flight response and then wake up or keep me awake. And finally, they got me scheduled for a, sorry if I say this wrong, it's SGB or Stellate Ganglion Block. Yep, that looks correct to me. Stellate, ganglion block. To reset my fight or flight response within the parasympathetic nerve, the SGB, the ganglion block, was great, and the therapy began to give me the tools to work this out. Finally, I can get better. But before the meds kicked in, before the therapy made me realize I had tools to use, before I got the SBG, SBG is where I trained Jiu-Jitsu, before I got the SGBB, I think,

fucked everything up with my family scrolling down this year had really tried to focus on getting better and being a better husband lover father and friend when i would text with my wife i would be so excited to get home and see her and just wanted to love and hold her but when i got home each time i often felt ignored by her where was this woman texting me all week i thought this can't be her that feeling throughout the year compounded my mental problems and a couple of weeks before my S-G-B, while I was home, I was cold to her, and she finally asked me what she did wrong. And I told her, I fucking can't do this anymore. I've been trying so hard, and I don't get any feedback. It's not about sex. It's about feeling loved, and I feel ignored. Biggest regret of my life.

This led to us agreeing to a separation in lieu of divorce. Not for the chance of making things right, but to allow her to keep health care as we transition into new lives and a divorce down the road. but it was clear she was done with me shortly after the frustration faded we got on amicable terms and i was hopeful of a good relationship with her in the future as friends and parents of our amazing girls but then it hit me what the fuck did i do it was me it was fucking me i didn't make her feel loved and if i put more effort i knew she would have been a better partner to me i knew she had suffered emotionally over the past years and I didn't support her. I felt like she ignored and abandoned me into this separation, but it was me. I ignored her for years and treated her like a co-worker and not

my wife. I thought if I could only have been stronger and made it to summer, which would have been our first summer I would have ever taken leave to be together and focus on family, which was my plan all year. I could have been what she needed and shown her that it had clicked and I had changed that for better or worse, she had put up with the worse, and now I will give her the best. I will work and be a better person because I didn't realize what I was doing. Literally, a switch flipped in my brain. I could feel it and see it. It's as if the lights came on. I learned about secondary PTSD, a topic I had heard of before, but didn't take seriously because I didn't want to admit my own problems. But I learned that the little actions I had every day, like how I came home and maybe

didn't hug or kiss her, made her feel ignored. How I looked at her made her feel self-conscious. For the record, I've always thought my wife to be beautiful. She is a bombshell. How I microsnapped at the laundry laying out or the small mess on the table, etc. It made her feel invalidated for the work that she did. On top of all that, I realized I did straight up tell her fucking shitty things in the past, like calling her lazy or a bitch, or that she wasn't doing enough. And I had a few instances, instances of throwing things or a specific instance where I was splashed in the pool and responded by hitting her with a pool noodle and calling her a bitch on her birthday.

Fuck, I was a piece of shit. She didn't deserve that, and I am ashamed and embarrassed of who and what I was. She had carried the burden of my inability to handle my work life at home, and it made her depressed, anxious, small, and afraid. I learned that with secondary PTSD post-traumatic stress, this isn't a simple emotional state, but I changed her biological responses to things. But it finally clicked in my brain. It switched and I could see what I did. But I could also now understand how to be the partner, friend, and lover she needed and deserved. I want to give her the best future, but now I have to find a way to earn her trust and love back. I could see the pain and damage I did to her looking into her eyes,

begging for the opportunity to shower her with love that she deserves. But she wants space. Despite the fact I've been gone all year, she wants me to move out when I am back, and she said she doesn't know if we will ever get back together, but she needs space. I understand this and I'm going to move out. My first month back, I will be in the house in the guest room while I look for a new place. But my fear is that I've lost the best part of me now, that I've realized how I've treated her and how much of my burden, my career, and our family she has carried for the past 12 years of marriage.

It took me a long time to realize what it means to be a husband. And that isn't just paying the bills and having sex. But the security is love and trust. And I thought all those years I love my wife. Now I know that I didn't know love. I understand love now. My wife is love. I just want your listeners to understand the effects of their job.

It doesn't have to be as soft special operations forces, special operations in general, but a lot of them are in a high stress job and they need to realize the microisms they bring home and how that affects and changes their spouses as well. Secondary post-traumatic stress is real. and we owe it to our spouses to help them recover from it and to prevent them from getting it. There are therapists out there who can help. There are organizations like All Secure that specialize in it. Get the help you need along the way to steer the ship before it's too late like it is in my case. Since the separation occurred, I've gotten countless, hey man, I heard, welcome to the club.

I'm on my fill in the blank number wife. Or welcome to the club. You ain't soft if you ain't been divorced. dude that is not a club i want to be a part of let alone be proud of i understand that some relationships just don't work and i'm happy for the people who eventually find their one but mine and countless others could thrive if the husbands realize that their spouse or what their spouse is carried for them like in my case it has reinvigorated a whole new set of emotions and realization of love respect and gratitude for my wife any ideas on how to be separated and

provide her with the space and boundaries while also trying to earn back, earn her back, would be appreciated. To the listeners, go home tonight, hug and kiss your spouse. Look at them in the eyes and tell them you love them and are so damn thankful for them. When you're deployed or TDY, which stands for temporary duty, call them and talk to them. Texting is not enough. Stop with so much fucking porn. Stop following those accounts on Facebook and Instagram that make them feel cheated and insecure. Sit and reflect with them about the good and the bad and let them hand back

off some of the bad to you. Sorry for the long one, Andy. I'm sure it won't make it. Ha ha. Ha, ha. Jokes on you, sir. But if it does, I know there isn't a question, but I'd love for you to share this story and provide your input and perspective. He provided some background on who he is. I'm obviously not going to read that out there to respect his privacy. But I wish I could say that this was a story that was uncommon, especially in the world that I used to come from. But it's not. I think you nailed it when you said, write the ship before it gets out of control. My word's not yours. I'm not even going to go back and actually try to find exactly what you wrote. I think people can understand. It's probably easier to course correct along the way and do preventative maintenance along the way.

than it is to try to recover something that might be destroyed. And I hope in your case it's not destroyed. So here's what I would say on the best advice that I can give you. Not a relationship expert, but this is what I would do if I were you. Your wife has asked you for space. I would give it to her. your wife in the future whether she continues to be your wife or not is still going to be the mother of your children the best way that i think and this is all it counts for is my opinion in this moment based off the information you have provided to me i think the best approach you have to earning your wife's love and respect back is to be the best father you can possibly be for your girls i don't know how many you have i don't know how many you have i don't

know what age they are. If you want to show your wife who you are becoming or who you feel like you have become, do that through your kids. But don't do it with the idea of trying to lure her back in. Do it because your kids deserve it. You guys may never be married again, and I'm sorry if it goes down that path. That sucks. I can speak from firsthand experience. your kids have nothing to do with that. They did not opt into the situation and they also cannot opt out of this situation. So husband, father may not be tied. But again, my advice to you, show your wife that you are a better version of yourself.

Show her the changes that you feel that you have made through the love that you show your daughters. And if she's paying attention, which I'm sure that she would. be, then hopefully she can walk that bridge back towards you. But she may not be able to. And even if she can't, you're still the parent to your daughters. And she's still the mother to your daughters. So you guys are intrinsically tied for the rest of your lives to some degree. Maybe it will only be through parenting. I hope not. Because I'm very glad that you found the help that you were looking for. And actually, on that note, here's one thing I'm going to say.

Therapy is not a button you hit one time, in my experience, not a professional therapist. By any stretch, anybody who listens to the show knows that. It's not a button you sit down one time and talk for an hour and all your problems are solved. The number of times I've heard from people who say, hey, I finally reached out for help, and they land with something along the lines of what you wrote, hey, next appointment is in three months. and so they don't search any further. Well, first off, never stop looking if you realize you need help. I mean, one of the podcast sponsors from a long time ago was called Better Help.

And I never utilized their service because I had somebody in town that I was talking with when I was going through my divorce. And I only bring them up because I know they are one service among many. So maybe for you connecting with somebody doing a telehealth is not optimal. but can it get you, can it be a bridge to the place where talking with somebody could be optimal? And maybe it's going to be better off than you think it would be. I actually did a lot of the sessions with the guy I was talking through while going through my divorce. Actually, almost all of them. Holy shit.

We might have only met in person once or twice because it was in the middle of COVID. So it is very possible to connect to somebody in that way. But the point in saying all of that is, is if at first you're told no or it's too long, don't stop looking. Holy shit. I understand what it takes to get to that point where you're able to walk through the door and say, hey, I need some help. And then being told you have months to wait, it's not acceptable for anybody. But sometimes that's the reality of scheduling for people locally. Explore all your options. Please. So that was kind of a tangent in aside. What I think I was going to say, if my brain is working well today, where I was going before I went on that tangent was this. It's great that you have found the help that you need and that you are recovering and heading in the the direction that you want to go in. That doesn't make what your wife experienced any less impactful or real. She is the only one who gets to decide whether or not she can come back to you or the relationship. And I've had quite a few conversations with people who are coming at the conversation from the perspective of, okay, I realize I was fucked up, but I'm fixing it now.

and this person doesn't want to have anything to do with me. And I don't really know what to say to them other than that is their choice. And don't forget, even though now you are trying to go on this journey of being a better person, it doesn't erase what happened in the past. You feeling better about the situation, you feeling better about yourself, doesn't mean that the other person is. And there are things in life that if you do them, you can't. come back from them, regardless of the improvement and change you make in yourself or potentially

making yourself going forward. I think it's important not to forget that. Your wife has a say in this, and she may decide to go the other direction. What I would say to you is this. By focusing on being the best version of yourself and doing the things that you know you need to do to continuously be a better person, it will make you a better father. It will make you a better husband. It will make you a better husband. if she decides to come back and continue the relationship with you. But if she doesn't, it's still, even though as painful and as heartbreaking as that journey may be, you will still be a better version of yourself if you continue down that path. I would absolutely, personally, I would absolutely operate under the hope that the change would be noticed,

that the person would come back. But hope isn't a great strategy. You know, it can kind of tide you over in those moments where maybe you don't necessarily, know what to do, maybe your motivation is a little bit low. I don't think I'd make it the linchpin of my lifelong strategy, but there is no end state where you being the best version of yourself doesn't improve and impact every aspect of your life, married or not. And that sucks if she doesn't want to come back to you, but you can still be a better person, which will make you better father, improve your relationship with your kids. Hopefully, at least you guys can maintain

some level or sense of amicability between you and your wife. And the reality is this. You probably, if you didn't, the relationship with your wife didn't continue. You probably would not spend the rest of your life alone. Trust me, I know the thought of thinking, fuck all this being with anybody else, I'm going to do the rest of this for however long it is by myself. I understand exactly where that comes from. I don't think it actually happens for most people, though. And if you could think in the far off glimmer, like, okay, if this doesn't work with my wife and I do end up reentering the dating pool at some point in time, wouldn't I also want to be the best version of myself? So if I am able to find another partner, I'm the partner that they deserve and you've learned

from your mistakes. Again, no downsides. So that's the portion of this you can control as well. Your wife is going to have a journey of her own. You have a journey of your own. And I hope that they come back together in like some AI generated image of like fairies and jungle. And there's a bridge in the middle with like three different moons and a sun setting. And I don't know. I don't know where I'm going with that. But that's where I went with it. That's what I hope. But you never know. And that's really all I have to offer on that. Other than to thank you for sharing your email, Like I said, this thing has hit far too close to home for me and a lot of people that I know. And I suspect it will be like that for a lot of other people hearing this.

It is so easy to forget what you have because you're focusing your energy, attention, and effort elsewhere. Shall we shift gears? Shall we lighten it up a little bit? I think so. This one's a little bit easier, a little bit less complex. I'm running this email in hopes of getting some direction. I'm new to rifle hunting and I would like to get better at the basics of shooting. I haven't had much help getting any luck locally, so here I am.

I've done a bit of dry firing, which is when you practice the manipulation of your rifle and pull the trigger until it would go off. You'll hear the firing pin move forward. You can reset it. It's a great way to practice mechanics without spending money on ammunition, and you don't need to be in a range. But I realize I'm not sure if I'm doing anything correctly to build a proper base. Do you have any drills for trigger, pulling, or body posture that I can practice and keep in mind while I'm dry firing? I have shot a bit in the past, but just target shooting.

My groups aren't terrible, but I can and want to be better. I have some understanding of how busy you are, so anything or any help would be amazing. Good luck and normally, have fun, and thank you for everything that you do. Okay. I'm going to base this around a rifle for rifle hunting and that type of shooting specifically. My theory that has served me will for marksmanship, specifically when you're talking about manipulation of the trigger. is that of a surprise break, meaning you slowly and consistently apply pressure to the rear with the safety off. Otherwise, you're going to keep applying and applying and applying. And eventually

lift your head up and look and be like, what the hell is wrong with this thing? It's because your safety's on. So, number one, find a safe place to do this. Maybe not in your driveway pointing at your neighbors. Maybe even not in your house pointing out the window at your neighbors. Find a designated place that you can do this and not scare the shit of the people around you. Make sure that the weapon is unloaded, still pointed in the correct direction. For hunting, I would say, or even trigger manipulation, start in the prone position, laying on your stomach, get a bipod or something you can rest the rifle on, get behind the rifle, get used to your optics, get used to manipulating the rifle, pick something in the distance where you can practice

holding your crosshairs on it or as steady as you can. And when you get ready to fire the rifle, you are slowly and consistently applying pressure to the rear. And the theory of a surprise break is not that, oh my God, a rifle went off and I'm surprised that it did so. It's that you're just not exactly sure when that shot is going to break. You know you want the rifle to fire, but what you're not trying to do is anticipate and say now and squeeze the trigger. It's slow, slow, slow, slow, when you're dry firing. You're going to hear a click. That's when the round would go off and then you reset. You're trying to identify tension, a flinch, anticipation of any kind. You should be totally and utterly relaxed. When you're laying behind the right,

rifle. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Open your eyes and look through the optic. If you're not aimed at what you want to hit, adjust your body so that when you close your eyes and you take that big breath, you open your eyes, you are in line with what it is you want to hit. That's your natural point of aim. You shouldn't have tension in your body. Get as flat as you can. Don't have your toes digging into the grounds. I would rotate your feet to the side so you are as flat to the ground as possible. You shouldn't feel tension in your shoulders. Shouldn't feel tension in your arms. Just try to relax with the buttstock seated in your shoulder and practice your dry firing. That's the most effective way that I think you can practice. When it comes to actually shooting,

there are so many different shooting drills. But before we get into what I'll recommend from actual practice shooting, for anybody getting ready to hunt or it has a weapon that they're going to be using for hunting, the best piece of advice, I have for you is get it in the configuration that you were going to be hunting with. Meaning, if you have a rifle, put the optic on there that you're going to be using for hunting. If you're going to have a sling on it, make sure the sling is on there. If you're going to have a bipod, have the bipod on there. If you're going to use a suppressor, have the suppressor on the weapon. I, you know, train like you fight. Fight like you train. They could be interchangeable. So if that's the configuration you're going to hunt in, make sure you're practice. in that configuration. If you're not used to extending a bipod or getting it in the condition

you want it to be in when you're getting ready to shoot in an animal, it adds additional stress. And you don't need that in that moment. Your weapon should be an extension of yourself. It should be second nature. How to extend your bipod. How to manipulate around the sling, loading, unloading, manipulation of the safety, manipulation of the optics, whether it's magnification, focus, windage, elevation, all of those things. That's why you need. to practice with it leading up to that hunt. The suppressor. If you're going to have a suppressor, it's going to be on at all times.

Do you want to have something that you're going to put on in the moment? I mean, I am a fan of the former, not the latter. But, you know, some people like split piece soup and some people like clam chowders. I'm not going to tell you one's right or wrong. Get the weapon in that configuration. If you're going to be hunting, I would say practice a lot of your shooting in the prone position laying down. I would also say practice a lot of your shooting with a backpack on.

because if you're going to be carrying a backpack with your weapon, you may not have time to take it off. What you don't want to have happen, and this has happened to me in training, is you have all your gear on, and then all of a sudden you add a backpack and you lay down to shoot prone, and you actually can't even get your head into the proper position

because that backpack slides up your shoulders as you lay down. Those are not things that you want to determine in a critical moment. So at least be very comfortable in the hunting configuration you're going to use. I would shoot in a version of being prone, seated, kneeling, and I would never recommend offhand, meaning just totally standing up with an unsupported weapon, but I would practice resting against a tree or an object and using that as a point of stability, because those are the likely configurations you're going to be in for shooting. I wouldn't practice shooting out at extreme distance because your groups are going to

widen and you're going to see deviation in your groups at a close distance and it might probably save you a lot of time of walking back. and forth. So I'd practice at a closer distance in those different configurations, in those different shooting positions, and then as hunting season gets closer, you can stretch it out. And my advice you would be, whatever distance you feel comfortable shooting at on a paper range, consider cutting that in half for shooting at an animal, because it just doesn't feel the same. Your heart rate's not going to be the same. There'll be the additional stress in anxiety of shooting at a living creature. And that's all okay. That's all.

normal. And if you know your flat range distance, a paper range where nobody's shooting back or there's no real consequence, you can cut that in half or you can extend that paper range distance in the off season, cut that in half, your odds of success will drastically go up. I draft fire a lot. A vast majority of my shooting is done at a close distance, focusing on shooting fundamentals and techniques. My weapon is almost always in its hunting configuration because that's all I use them for anymore. I'll put the gear on at. As needed, as we're getting closer to the hunting season, I practice in the positions I've been presented when I've actually been out hunting. And I think if you do those things, that's a really good template to be ready for your season.

So I hope that helps you and anybody else looking at the hunting season, a few calendar flips away. And that's it. I'll probably be doing the next episode from France. So I'll see you then.