Club Random with Bill Maher - Adam Carolla | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

Bill Maher and Adam Carolla randomly riff on the war that is show business, how you know when you’re too high, how kids used to be scared of their friends’ dads, why messing up your kids ruins it for everyone, government red tape making life impossible, and the joke that Adam couldn’t tell. 

I feel like I haven't talked to you. It's so long. It's just Seth McFarland's backyard, maybe? I smoke more pot than you do. I know the backyard, but I don't remember. You smoke more pot than Bob Marley's. I don't. I do not. No. I smoke sparingly. I smoke for specific reasons, for things that I only can do better. So, unfortunately, that's most of the important things in my life.

So what? I don't smoke every day. Hmm. Yeah, listen, I mean, well look, Dad, I promise, I won't be a, you joke about killing your wife every 10 minutes, people are going

to think you murdered your wife at some point. And I feel the same way about you and Pah. Yeah, who was it that did that? Somebody like you. My young man wanted us to take his wife, please, I think. What year do you think we met? Well, I used to do, I mean, for sure, I used to do PI all the time, like back in the later 90s.

What was that early 2000s? Oh, did you see, I still love the sign? Oh, yeah. Isn't that amazing? Oh, yeah, that's it. That's the sign. That's the sign. So, I mean, I'll admit you before PI for sure.

Well, we weren't comedians together, right? No. We were, where are you from? I mean, where are you from? I'm from North Hollywood. I'm from like, that's where you started out here. Yeah. Right, and I started back east,

and I don't remember ever being on a gig with you. No, I wasn't, I wasn't doing stand up back then and I didn't really come up in a traditional way. I was, uh, you were always kind of there. Yeah. Well, yeah, I certainly can confirm that. I was always there. No, like it's amazing. You have become a little bit of a, you know, one of those American characters, you know, on the list of things that are good, if you did okay in life, like you must feel very good about yourself because it was like the worst thing is,

oh, I fucking went into show business and didn't make it. Which happens to most people who go into show business. But, you know, your shit came out in the wash. You know, you're like the OG of podcasting and you have this huge thing now. And, you know, and even before that, like when we were younger, we had shows.

P.I. and you were like, yeah. I mean, it's interesting. So, I don't think people really understand the marathon versus the sprint. You know, they think show business is a sprint. A coos hot, who's the it boy, who's a whatever. Like everyone wants to be the it boy, but being an it boy is like being a one hit wonder.

Like, do you want to be that it person? No, that's not true. You can be an it boy. Justin Bieber was an it boy. And then Parlay it boyness into a much more substantial career. Yeah. Yeah, but I would say the batting average of the one hit wonders or the it boys in terms of attrition and terms of longevity

is probably less. But I agree with you. Like sometimes I sit back and think, I've turned show business, or at least my version of it, into a 30 year haul, you know, or at this point, you know, coming up on 30 years.

And it's weird to take a weird job and turn it into just a sort of a long running full time. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Your prostate may be enlarging all these other things. Yeah, I'm going to use a bathroom, actually. I know we just started. Yeah.

Maybe happening, and you can't help all the things that happen in age, but you have to admit the anxiety I had before, I made it, was a terrible thing to live with. I was not have been good if I had, you know, was not in here in this basement. Was it the anxiety of not making it or the anxiety of being, making it and being pushed out. It's not being in a war in the army.

It's like the anxiety of, we all go into battle. I can't be the one get shot. You know, I don't want to be the one selling oranges on the freeway or whatever. You know, I mean, it's a cruel business show business. You know, look at the end of any movie. That's like any time from 10 years, even two years ago. But especially, all the ones, and you see, like, all the,

it's said, you know, after the stars, like every person who was in the movie, you don't recognize one of those names. Yeah. You should try walking through a graveyard. Same batting average with recognition and names. Yeah, now I agree. You?

I think, and I don't know what your process or mindset was going in. Mine was. Not to be a loser. Mine was my no-fim. Nobody's gonna hire you because of your head shots or your fake resume. Hey. No, it's so true. Nobody's gonna, nobody likes you, nobody fake resume. No. No.

So true. Nobody's gonna, nobody likes you, nobody loves you, no one's gonna give you a break. If you wanna stay in this business, you have to generate material, churn out material, have an audience, deliver to that audience. Like you are going to need to show up in deliver.

It's not gonna be because you know a guy named Marty. He's going to take care of you. That was always my... But now, remember, 80 seconds ago when you said you didn't smoke pod very much? Well, no, but I had him. What I said was I don't smoke every day. Right. I feel bad. I feel like you ever watch like old Johnny Carson episodes

and the panel smoking. Oh, gross. Like a demon roast or something. It's a course. And the guy sits down next to Johnny and he lights up a cigarette, right? And also it's weird going back looking at those old Johnny Carson

because you're like, Dabney Coleman smoked, I didn't know that, but everyone smoked. But they light the cigarette, but then they're sort of talking the whole time and there's this thing. Yeah, and it's real, they never get to smoke the cigarette.

It's just, I feel like I'm doing that to you right now. Let's have a drink. Okay. So I have a drink. Okay. So have a drink. I had a drink. Are you having a drink? Yeah, I am. Johnny Carson.

I thought of this just the other day. Johnny Carson has now been off for the exact amount of time that he was on, 29 and a half years. Really? Wow, I gotta hit that joint, because now I'm pretty bad. Now, does not blow your mind? I mean, you know, I'll tell you, if you want to play those kind of like games,

like you watch, you know, the love boat, and you go, I'm older than Captain Stubing was in his third season and your head explodes because we're your kids. He was the oldest guy at sea. Right. And now he's younger oldest guy at C. Right. And now he's younger than you are now. Right.

Right now. When I think about the songs that I listened to when I first was listening to music, late 60s, Beatles, Rolling Stones, this kind of stuff, like that big band sound that my father listened to was completely gone in 1965. Right. But now, this song, this kind of music,

Ileus, still is still with us. But it does kind of make you wonder, like, music, architecture, design, automobiles. If it can be really good, 50 years from now, then it's good. Well, that's what I'm saying. That says a lot about rock and roll, rock pop music that we, I mean, guitar driven, not big band sound.

Benny Goodman did not last that long. They didn't play Benny Goodman. He got a plane crash, so. No, that was Glenn Miller. Oh, shit. Benny Goodman or Guy Lamberta or Les Brown. He got a plane crash. No, that was Glenn Miller. Oh shit. It's a very good one. Guy Lambertta or Les Brown. Yeah.

Yeah. It is interesting, the things in history that turn over really quickly versus the things that have the longevity versus the things like bell bottoms or men's ties. Like they come in and then leave and then come back like a thin tie, then a fat tie, then we take 20 years off now. It's a fat tie.

It goes back to a thin tie. But like, if you listen to songs and commercials when they spend the money and buy a popular song. It's very often a song from the late 60s, 70s, you know, that our bridge over troubled water, I don't like they bought that one, but there are songs like that that everybody knows. Yeah. And they're 50 years old. Well, I didn't know any songs in 1969, from 1919.

So you weren't going, like, humming to, won't you be my melancholy baby? Right. Maybe there was exactly our Alexander right? Right, right. No, no, no. Yeah, everyone had some kooky grandpa that had a thing. Right.

And, but it was also, they weren't captured digitally, so you'd have to say to grandpa, get out the wax cylinder. Right. There's something the wax cylinder. Right. There's something to answer something. Right, right. I just kind of have this thing that quality endures. You know, the Beatles, you know, like, like, I ran rise to the time. Right, but I was saying the other day, when I was a kid, I enjoyed all the family.

And I was too young to really get a lot of the references and a lot of the jokes, but it was good. And I sort of liked it because it was good, even though I was eight or nine years old. It was groundbreaking. Right. And I feel like good art, good jokes, good comedy, good writing, like jokes, good comedy, good writing, like it endures.

And I also feel like, I have kids, and if you show them good stuff and they see, you know, it's like, one of the hottest shows is like the office. All the 13-year-olds just watch a shit out of the office. And you're going like, that's counterintuitive because it was off the air and, you know, why would they go back and watch it? out of the office. And you're going like, that's counterintuitive, because it was off the air, and you know, why would they go back and watch it?

But it was good. That's why they liked the office. I love that show. So you have kids. Yeah. I know. Do you like them? What?

Yeah, I like one of them. Let's be honest. That's probably better than a lot of people. I mean, you know what? I always said that to people as you know, I've never had kids. So like, when I talk to parents, they all say that. And they think they say it like I'm the only one.

And I'm like, no, I'm telling you, you all sound alike. You all think you're the only one to be saying, oh, I don't know about my kids. No, you all are very effigy on your kids because kids today are impossible. Yeah. And then I'm sure that sounds to some people like, oh, come on, they were always impossible.

No, no, I mean, they were always some impossible kids, but as a whole field of fucking brats, yes, they are fucking, well, because it is like yes. Well, no, I'll tell you what it is. We used to have a hierarchy. There was a sort of a packing order, like, for instance. When I grew up, I was scared shitless of every one of my friends' dads.

Yes. You would never... I was in my house. It was a year and a half ago. And one of my daughter's friends, roller skated past me in my house. I came right down the hardwood floor and just like, you know, it's like, hey Mr. C, you know, just blew past me and I was like, could you imagine roller skating inside?

If I went to Mr. Vendig's house and started laced up the skates and he came home from work. He would choke me out the living room. Like I was scared shitless of my friend's death. You couldn't touch your stuff. You have kids now. You go into the kitchen

and you'll just randomly walk in the kitchen. One of your kids' friends will just be making waffles. Right. And you'd be like, what the kitchen, one of your kids' friends will just be making waffles. Right. And you'd be like, what the, what's that? I have a Mr. C. I've got my roller skates to make them waffles. Like, can you imagine going into one of your friends' houses

and cooking? This is so interesting because maybe like two months ago, three months ago, something like that, the winner, a very good friend of mine. And it happens to be very famous, but we're not gonna know who this is. Go over to his house, and the like, I think, 16-year-old is just astounding how,

first of all, just that kids will invite themselves into the adult conversation. Right. And that was something we never did. No. You had to be invited in, then usually to answer one question. Right. You know, something that they wanted to know or wanted to give you a moment or whatever,

and then off your way. Right. You know, yeah. No, you're, well, first off, we were, when we were kids on the very off chance we might go out to dinner, no one wanted our input as to what restaurant we're going to. You know what I mean? Like, so now, the conversations are like, we're going out, we're going to the restaurant.

I don't want Mexican food. And you're like, what? And then, but we've empowered them. Essentially, weaponize them. Yes. What kind of food do you want to have? I went Greek food. Well, I had Greek for lunch. Yes. What kind of food do you want? I went Greek food.

Well, I had Greek for lunch. Well, I went Thai food. It's like we didn't get a vote. First off, you're going out to dinner. You're fucking lucky. But that's how it was when we were grown up. But you did it to yourselves. That's what I can say to parents.

Well, we, we, we, we, and society. You are society. What do you mean? They're your kids. You can bring them up anywhere you want. No, no, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, Collective you parents fuck it up. Yes, I always think you you fuck it up doubly because you fuck your kids up by blowing smoke up their ass and you fucked your life up Because now your life is all this having to negotiate with a child Well, what restaurant you're going to go let's not forget we've all astoundingly. I don't know why I'm so man You miss the key component of that. You missed the component.

You missed the component. That's how fucking bad this is. You missed the key component of this, which does affect you, which is you fucked up the kids, you fucked up your own life, and you fucked up society, because you have to hire these little fucks

when they're 22, and they're taking me days left and right. You're so right. So it's more global than you think and it does affect you. Yes, it sure does. We are supported by signal wire. If you're a developer or a product builder trying to add video communication to your app or service, there is no good option. You win the build from scratch which can take forever or try to repurpose an existing app like Zoom, or as I like to call it, hey, you froze. But what if you could have out of the box video conference ability with unlimited control to customize the experience to fit your application?

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Just go to helix.com slash random, take their two-minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. They have a 10-year warranty and you get to try it out for a hundred nights risk-free. It's only risky for the next guy they sell it to. They'll even pick it up for you if you don't love it but you will. He looks is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at elixle.com slash random. Not to bite the hand that feeds me, but, you know, there is, it is interesting that there is this shift now in the country where, you know, the Democrats used to be more of the working party, and now they're seen increasingly as the elitists, you know.

And these are the kids who go to these, you know, the prep schools and the Ivy League colleges, you know. I mean, they're not typical of the thinking that is in the middle of the country, or even most of the country. Or even, I think, representative oftentimes of a traditional liberal like myself. Well, you know, it's interesting that I am like you in many ways that I am like you in many ways

that I'm an atheist, liberal, I'm gay marriage legalization, legalization of drugs. I'm all for all that, always happened. Yeah, you just know I'm all so mad. I'm all so mad. And then at a certain point, I've run into the same shit you've run into. Like I want to pull a permit to build something

on my property and I have to go down and, you know, I got this answer, this very ominous and scary answer. I went down to the city of Glendale, I bought a warehouse, I wanted to pull a permit to build like some storage or mezzanine or something like that. And I go into the city of Glendale building

a safety department and there's some 25-year-old Chick-Line encounter and she says, what do you have? Chick-Chip. Damn, broad. And I said, what do you have? She have nice wheels and cams. So sticks, sticks, get away sticks.

She has a nice fart tank on her too, but fart tank. That's construction, Tom. Yeah, we're back on the mansion. I said to her, I said to her, I wanna get this permit, whatever, in this warehouse, and she said, what do you wanna do with that warehouse? And I said, I'm gonna put some cars in that warehouse, and she went, they might let you do that. Oh warehouse and she went, they might let you do that. And I thought they might let you do that. And so, there's

where you and I are, Simpatico. Well, lots of people are Simpatico, what did that do? You don't know. That's the right wing thing to me. I had this house. The garage door was when I bought the house, it had three, you could put three cars, but they would be able to put three very tight. It was too tight. So I went, okay, this is a two car garage that you sold as a three car garage. Right.

I'm gonna turn it back into it, you know. So just that, there was like three or four inspections. And I'm like, you know what? If I fuck up in the garage door falls, garage ceiling falls on me, that's on me. And you know, it has to look over my shoulder. I mean, it's to be some level of personal responsibility and get out of my hair.

And you feel like, oh, yeah, because it's people's jobs, you know, like more people in government and have, so many have to go around and look at Mike Arars door and that person gets a salary. And, you know, it just looks very corrupty. And it's like, why we can't get anything done in this state? We can't build a railroad. We couldn't, they couldn't house the homeless.

You know, they, and also, you know, I just saw an article where Elon Musk was like, I'm tunneling, you know, it's doing this whole tunneling project, you know, and he burrows as well. And by the way, I just thought about I love him. No one's got the range of Elon Musk. He goes to outer space and he goes to inner core earth. Like he literally goes down. He's like, do you want to live on Terrific? No, I'm going down or I'm going out. These morons who like make fun of him and hate him, like the people that start at live,

a few of them do a protest. It's like, could you not piss off the one guy who might figure out how to get out of the global warming mix? You know, the one guy who might invent the thing. He's going to invent carbon scrubbers. Right. You're calling them an asshole. And could you let him do that?

Yes. Yeah, so he, you know, was in California, moved to Texas because I, the thing, I, I want to get in front of the like LA City Council and Governor Newsom and everyone to just go. The smartest man on the planet decided to leave California. What does that say about your state?

But he's doing the tunneling thing. It's interesting. He's doing it in Texas. I think he's doing in Nevada. And we have a big traffic problem here in LA in the past, the 405 and blah, blah, blah. And he was gonna tunnel through the past and everything like that. And he says, I'm not doing it there.

It's too regulated. I can't get anything done. So what we do essentially in California, the same thing we sort of do to these businesses, we go, we're gonna tax the shit out of you. And they go, well, we're just gonna go out of town and shoot New Mexico, we're gonna go out of town and shoot New Atlanta, we're gonna go to Prague, right?

So then you get 0% of zero or 100% of zero, whatever it is, and we go fine, we're taking a moral stand. And my thing is, why not, let's not send Elon Musk packing. Let's have him live where he wants to live, California, and get some shit done for us. I just, how long have you been married? I'm getting divorced. Oh, you are. Congratulations.

I mean, I'm sorry. Well, well, I was like 18, 19 years. It was somewhere around 18 years. What do you make of that whole thing? I mean, like the, just the insanity of attempting to be with the same person forever. Well, because it's not the person that goes bad. I feel like it's over familiarity that kills it.

The people are still good people, or else they wouldn't have liked each other that began with and they wouldn't have gotten married unless they did it in a week, you know, one of those quickie marriages, but you probably didn't do that. No. Okay, so it's the over familiarity that it's like to rats in a cage or something, you know. Yeah, I agree. Right? Yeah, listen, if I get married again, I want you to preside over and use the rat in the cage analogy.

And then once you get out of the cage, just rats. You go on to the hamster wheel, which is, you're actually have to sex with the same person for the rest of your life. I will say this. But you know, the old joke, why are divorces so expensive? Get their worth. Worth it.

So I'll say this and I think it'll adequately address what you're saying. Which is, I used to be with you like this notion of, you have to be with the same person for the rest of your life, you know? And it seemed, I'm with you on that, like it seemed like a fool's errand, or we're not wired for that, or like blah, blah, blah. Crazy.

But then I would ask you to look at it this way. There are friends you've had who are very long enduring relationships where they've actually sort of grown and prospered over the years. Yeah, but it wasn't fucking them. Well, you weren't. No, I believe sex out this, but we'll just- We can't live sex rather than it's the heart of the whole problem. We should get married. You could leave sex out of it. But you can't, that's the point.

No, you can't. And eventually... All right, well, we've, we'll, we've sex into it. But what I'm saying is sort of philosophically, you can be attracted to the same person, and you can have a fruitful, emotional, mental relationship with the same person for a long period of time, but getting back to my point.

Yes. We have friends, and we have long enduring relationships that even seem to be fostered these great relationships that even seem to grow stronger over the years. But then you have friends that you've kind of, as you've gotten older and grown and your thoughts were the kind of drifted and they've gone the other way. So I think when you meet people

that have been married for 61 years and that person's still their best friend and all that kind of shit. Look, I know you look at them as simple things. No. I do as well. And I'm with you. Absolutely not.

I'm with you. I'm not, well, I'm not with you. But I don't look at them. But there is a version of this where the two of you grow in the same direction, just sort of like a friendship is, and then there's a version where you grow and go a direction and the other person goes, the other direction, which is accurate rendition of any relationship in life.

So I don't think it's inherently flawed. I think if you know and grow and go the same direction, you may endure, but the problem is, is oftentimes that doesn't happen like all the guys you went to high school with who used to be your best friend and you guys went divergent directions. Are you making this up as you go along? Most of it, yeah.

I mean, I don't know. That, well, that's your story, you could stick to it. No, if you're, if you're, if you're, people are just people and, well, this is all provided, you can stick to it. If you're, if you're, if you're, people are just people, and- Well, this is all provided, one of them doesn't get fat. It's loosely based on weight. Well, I mean, it's, that's interesting, you say that.

I can barely stand myself aging in the mirror. Right. You know, I can't mention doing it with another person. I guess for many people, this is why I must refute your contention that I think people are simple to, it's not about that. It's about some, it's the chip in you. It's how you're made. It's your personality.

Who knows where it's from? Probably when you're two and you're shitting your pants and so you're, no it is. I, I, I, I am here to tell you that whenever a guy starts up with I just want to talk about her life a little bit and then I'm going to answer this question is that camera what's my camera now I am I am here to tell you that when you get married at 30,

you think, I might gonna be a tractor this person when they're 50. That's what you did. Right, like it's kind of weird, just like you don't like looking at your sagging balls in the mirror. Would you live with someone you all age at the same time? I know.

And so there's a kind of a thing where you do want to fuck them when they're 50, because you've been there throughout the long ride. And that's just describing two different personality types. If you could do that, that's great. And it's not about aging. Women go. Wow, I'm banging a 19-year-old now.

Like, you don't, I don't want you to see a red action. Yeah, I think she's 19. Her English is so bad. I she could have said 90, but no way she would look like that. That's hysterical. That's hysterical. You can use that one. Oh, no, I wouldn't steal it from you.

But all I could say is that people are just, this is the most personal thing there is about us, like how we relate to the opposite sex, or the same sex. I mean, there you go. Right. How we relate to another human sexually and romantically, and it's just personal.

This is, you're actually in a better place because you can do that. Many people can't. And they either fake it or they cheat. They do something. And it's usually not the ideal situation. There was a movie once called Second Wives Club. Yeah.

And it was like I think that midler and Goldie Han right it was and not me a Farrow the other one. No, I think Farragistic Aparka was yeah, into the other Woody Allen girlfriend. I am Keaton, yes, right. But Sarragistic Aparka, I think was the Anjaneu in this. Right. She was the one who the husband, the younger woman that the husband left being bad middle of her. Okay. So I remember having the woman on the show who wrote it, she was very celebrated at the time.

I mean, it was a big movie. And, you know, it's like, you know, and of course, the guy, the middle-aged guy who leaves his wife of 20, 25 years and takes up with her, he's a, it's a ratty thing to do. It's a horrible ratty thing to do. My question was just tell me what the alternative is, because it seems like you can either, if you're, and people get into this place all the time, where they have passionless,

it's just the marriage is stale and dead. So what is the alternative? Because see me, the options are cheat, which is not a good alternative. Right. Or just suck it up. You know, just be... Yeah, I think cheating suck it up or moving on. I mean, they're all horrible options. Right. No, I agree. I feel the same way, like when they go, he was caught cheating on his wife when she was eight months pregnant. And I'm like, she was like a good time.

Like I could rephrase that. He was caught cheating. But she was eight months pregnant. And she was eight months pregnant. And she was eight months pregnant. Like, yeah, because she was. Yeah, that's so funny. It gave her a break. Yeah, I agree.

Because what you're saying is we have, we have a sort of make beliefs society. We have two societies. We have the society we live in. And then the society we think we live in or talk about we live in is like, why didn't he stay with this shrew with the thyroid condition for the rest of his life? And it's like, why didn't he stay with this shrew with the thyroid condition

for the rest of his life? And it's like, you're right. It's a kind of a thing where sort, it works politically too. It's like Putin's invading somewhere. It's like, he shouldn't be able to do that. Well, send troops. No, we're not sending troops. Sanctions don't work, but something should be done and then they leave. You know, if you, it's like something should be done. Like, what, what are the choices? There, there's leave your wife. They're staying a But something should be done and then they leave. You know, if anyone's like, something should be done. Like, what are the choices? There's leave your wife. There's staying a loveless relationship.

Or go over the wild orchid and get a rub and tug. And we frown on two out of three of those behaviors. But we don't frown on staying the loveless relationship. Yeah. And basically what we're saying is the societies, we're not saying stay in a loveless relationship, we're saying change your mind, but that can't happen. You know, it's like be sexually attracted

to someone you're not attracted to. No, you can't conjure it. Right, you know, you can't, I mean, people are always talking about things like, you know, role playing and wigs and, you know, like, whatever it is. No, I've seen a real sex on your network. Well, I mean, maybe this is my limitation to me as a human being,

but that is just none of that shit. Would do anything but just my life. No, I have a lot of people. I have a lot of people. If my life is, you know, you know, I'm with you in that. They do the thing where it's like, ah, she's old and she's sagging, she's bagging, it's loveless or whatever. But what if she bought $14 worth of lingerie?

They're like, well then why don't we put a sweater on my dog and I'll be attracted to that too. You know, it's like, it looks like an old bag and a lingerie. Like I'm not to put a sweater on my dog and I'll be attracted to that too. You know, it's like, it looks like an old bag and a lingerie. Like I'm not into that. I'd rather just have the young gal in, you know, saran wrap. When it comes to money,

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Well, okay, I'm glad you brought that. That's really the next of it. I'm glad you brought that up. I'm getting some ice out of that container. All right, so I'm gonna get terrible host, I am. It's all right. Look, I'm glad you brought this up. Here's a deal.

People say to me, shut up. Don't talk about this stuff. Stop talking about this stuff. This is it. Oh, yes. So stop bringing life. I literally, I do experience this. And I say, what the fuck am I doing in comedy?

Why did I get into this? I'll go back to swing in a hammer. Why do this if you're not saying what the fuck you want? You know what? And who are the other comedians saying? I mean, you can't say. You can't say what? There's a song called,

if you ain't got no haters, you ain't poppin'. Right. You know what? Great guy, Lombardo. No. No, I think it's Rico Richie, somebody. Right. Right.

Anyway, that's what you should be proud of. I, you know, for me, it's like there is no choice. Right. If I think of something and it's funny, or it's interesting, or it rings true to me, then I'm of something and it's funny or it's interesting or it rings true to me, then I'm compelled to say it because that's the business I'm in. The worst thing to be, I think, is boring. I'd rather anything is better than being boring.

I had a joke, I had a black people joke, and Sarah Silverman came up to me and went, oh, that's a, right away, that's a problematic way to say it. I know, sorry. I'm just joking. Just joking, pertained to African-American. There you go. And she said to me, and before we go any further, I just want to say, as a PSA announcer, right in the middle of this, this is that kind of moment where you go, okay, people of bad faith will take out of context or just say the,

you know, and even though they know in their mind the way you said it the second time, you know, you just said it like have people think your mind isn't a perfect machine. Yeah, but no ill intent, but they will try. I'm always doing this. But I was here. But is this something? I know, I'm just saying. Yeah, I know.

I get it. I'm just calling out to people of bad faith, pre their bad faith. Yes. I'm a real story. It was a joke. And I ran into Sarah Silverman at the comedy store and she went, she said to me, that's a really funny joke, too bad you can't do it. And I thought, oh, we're at a weird inflection point here where a comedian, you know, I'm

not a commercial airline pilot, not a politician, I'm a school principal, I'm a comedian and Another comedian is saying to me. I love Sarah. You lover friends Is saying too bad you can't say something that's funny. Well honestly since I don't know what this joke is It was it was basically Black, you know black men are angry and this and the other. And here's how I know the world, you know, when I stop at a crosswalk, the world's fastest people are the world's slowest pedestrians. And I know they're telling us to fuck off if they held the Olympics in a crosswalk.

There'd be three Scandinavians on them. And that was a joke. But it's a joke, just like a joke. I think jokes about my kids. But I, okay, but could I add just one, one parenthetical little clause that I think would solve this for everyone? If you just, after you say they're angry, just say with good reason. Or something like that that lets you be

the only, so I probably would say and understand that you understand, that it's not just for no reason. Yeah, well if I ever do that or occasionally do it on stage, I will add the part where they have every right to be angry. Right, I'm not sure. You not sure how I know that's right. That's all, yeah.

I mean, all this fucking back and forth biting on each other in this country, so much of it would go away if just bad faith on both sides was thrown in the trash can. Yeah, well, it's all safe. Just come on. It's all safe. You know, I didn't mean anything.

I'm like, get me on what you, what I mean, you know, I'm okay with that. Don't get me on like, well, it's like, just come on. You know, I didn't mean anything about it. Get me on what you, what I mean, you know, I'm okay with that. Don't get me on like, oh, you know what? We really know this isn't that, but we can present as it is. Well, you know, it's gross. It's, I totally agree. It's really insulting and weird to call everyone racist

or to say like you don't like children or you hate poor people or whatever. I mean, you don't like children, but you hate poor people. Whatever it is. With the rollerblades, it's kind of like, I cannot stop thinking about this. It was. Well, and the mixture of thoughts and emotions in your mind.

I'm mostly stunned, but I feel like Jane Goodall. Like I'm just like studying this in the wild, like I'm making notes. You know, I'm not angry at making notes. I didn't finish my story. So I'm at this person's house. Wonderful. Wonderful guy, a great friend,

and the teenager just invites herself into the conversation. Right. I mean, that's just how modern parents are. And we were sitting at one point in the kitchen and it was kind of bright and I said, like, can we turn these lights down? And they were like, oh, yeah, sure. And they did. And then the kid comes in.

She's like, it's so dark in here. And it's like, yeah, we, and she turns the lights back up. Mm. And she came in with some food. She was in here. So like, it's like, wow. Just like, that's, I was like, wow, that's bold. Oh yeah.

That's way, that's a subway stop past where we were even like five years ago. They are weaponized, the kids are. Like they really are. Because, you know, I think a lot of it is, we kept going like the kids are future, the kids are future, but I think there's a bigger point, which is Madison Avenue,

because everyone always went, it's that young demo. We want to capture the young demo. You know, so like if you talk TV ratings, you go, well, I have three million viewers. Yeah, but in the demo, in the demo, in the 18 to 34 who can't have wrote Jack Shit demo, but in the demo, in the demo, in the 18 to 34 who can't approach jack shit demo. Well, that's the demo. We want the demo who can't afford a Mercedes to show Mercedes ad on their fucking show you idiots that like, yeah, I was 29 at one point. I could afford fucking

toothpaste when I was 29. Forget about a Mercedes. So we decided that this segment was the demo. Also old people, older people don't want to get old anymore. Every 57 year old chick is wearing skinny jeans, as a fucking streak, or a hair. Well, I mean, we used to, old people used to be old. Yeah, you're right. I mean, they, like old people used to be old. Yeah, you're right. Look at me. Yeah, well, look at the smoking pot and a little man cave with my no children running around.

You're right. I never got to. No, but like, I don't know. I would. I would. I would. I would. Why would you not?

Why is it as a society, look no further than Gilligan's aisle. Thirst and how the third wife, Lovey, was an older woman and that there was Mary Ann, you know, in Ginger, like there was a death, there was a, there was a Mason Dixon line. You had some dignity, I'll put it to you this way. Okay, hold on. When we were growing up, if you were a 57 year old woman, like you see the real housewives of Orange County,

where they're in. I've never seen a real housewives show. But you're 57? They're in their later 40s, oftentimes early 50s, you know, they have adult right children They didn't they they're wearing fucking hair extensions There was a hairdo when we were kids like your mom's friends had hairdo Swing there's sitting in their drink

I mean like they were wearing skinny jeans and pumps. But are they real typical? Aren't they like the kind of women that they hire for those shows who are? No, all I'm saying is this, like sort of sociologically, when we were young, kids were seen and not heard.

I'm saying. I told the shut the fuck up, you're not involved with this conversation. There's no roller skating in the house of life. Fine. Now, Madison Avenue and TV has shifted the whole thing to young, young, young demo. So that the point that there's six-year-old women

trying to pass themselves off as 19-year-olds, what happened to support hose? Well, women used to wear support hose, like Ben and she is. You keep trying to shift the responsibility of the parents. The parents did it. The reason why Madison Avenue caters to children is because they know the parents will immediately

Give the money to the children for what the children want. Yeah, I'm going to see a movie as as adults used to do They will give kids money to go see them moving and get them out of the house here Go to the mall and see spider-man. That's why spider-Man. Well think about it. What all these douchebag dudes you see, they're in their 60s. They're wearing it. Sorry, no, that doesn't make you a douchebag. Wearing vans slip-ons and having multiple bracelets, that makes you a douchebag. Think about all these guys. They're in their 60s, they're wearing checkered flag fans. They're both like, where's your fucking adult shoes? Well, at the point is we shifted the entire focus to kids.

Adults go to Disneyland. Right. Adults don't act like adults. They act like children. That's right. Again, you could like say, oh look where you are with no children and may hurt. Yeah, I mean, yeah. No, I'm just as bad as anybody else, probably worse. I mean, why could like say, oh, look where you are with no children in my yard. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean, I'm just as bad as anybody else.

Probably worse. I mean, why wouldn't you, if you could, stay in that arrested development state of not having the kind of responsibilities and the boring and the, you know, it's right. Trust me. When that girl roller belated past you, you were thinking, oh, God, I was roller-blading in this house

right now with that girl. That's really what went on in the loser's front. I'm like, you're flying inside my skull. No. I will outdo you tonight if I... What would have happened? The problem is, yes, we would all love to be 10-year-old younger.

10. 20- 10. 25. 40. All right, 40. I, well, at some point you'd have no career. I could go back to you. Exactly. Selling pie wouldn't bring it back. No, I couldn't.

All right, but what I'm saying is, is if there's adults and there's kids in the house, and the adults are trying to act like kids, now we have two kids raising's kids in the house. And the adults are trying to act like kids. Now we have two kids raising the kids in the house. And that's essentially the problem. The adults need to be the adult. Look at college campuses. You know, Weinstein or Weinstein, Brett Weinstein, Eric Weinstein and all these guys.

So it's like they let the kids take over the adults on the campus on the screen. Yes. Yes. University. Like, this is a big problem on college campuses. We need adults.

The adults are the adults. They're the faculty. They're the administrators. And then there's the 19-year-old dumb fox who don't know shit. And they're the kids. Adults, don't take up with the kids. That's the problem. The problem is the adults went to be 19.

Do you remember that there was a video went out probably seven years ago or something that was at Yale, I believe, and there was a couple who were both working at the university and the wife wrote a very benign email about Halloween. Right. Like just could we just not lose our shit this year? Some, by where's this? If you'd like some bravo, you know, it's like some, like, in the Lucas once it goes to Frito Bandita.

Yeah, just don't, and the husband, it wasn't even the person himself, the husband, is like a costed on the campus grounds by this little mob of rats, and they're screaming at it. First of all, the idea of screaming at your adult of faculty, it's just like, again, who raised these animals? Right. And you know, it's like the upper crest it's just like, again, who raised these animals? Right. And, you know, it's like the upper crest.

This is like Yale. No, I... And they're screaming about like, we don't feel safe from a Halloween costume. You don't feel safe. Who can survive with this level of, you know... You're a me. Well, they're like emotional hemophiliax.

If you're in that fragile, you can't go into the world. Like, I wouldn't. I listened, my 15 year old son just showed me like a screenshot. He just had a, you know, school meeting symposium, you know, with the classes and whatever. And it was a whole thing of like, if somebody makes a joke, how do you address the joke?

You know, what do you say, you know, that hurt my feelings? This is the thing that's a whole lot of stuff. Where is this learning this? He's LA in a fight. This is in the school, they're saying this. Yeah. The teacher is saying this to him.

It's a program. Program. That's within the LA Unified School District, where they're basically saying, if somebody makes a joke and the joke hurts your feelings, how do you confront the person and what's acceptable? They're teaching them to be pussy. So wait, we need a whole program.

Oh my God. Yeah. You deal with how to deal with the joke? Yes. A whole program. Yes. Yes, that's where we're at. I know. And to what end? And the other thing too is you're making these people miserable.

These kids, you know, when you're 19, you're supposed to be footloose and fancy fucking free. Right. I am. Right. I feel the same way. Right. For a little bit. But I I mean you're supposed to you Doesn't fucking have a good time. It's supposed to be shot-gunning beers and get laid and fucking have a good save some more Outrage for the golden Right, don't worry. You'll have to wear brown suit and become the man and like at some point But you're 19 Like you know the way to the world shouldn't be on your shoulders. Fucking get laid and blow a doobie.

Take your fucking shirt off at the game and write a letter of your team on it. We're doing this thing. The thing that's very interesting about those videos, you show, it's like the 19 year olds that are crying, like yelling at the professor, whose wife said, if you want to wear some brow, wear some brow, and they're like screaming like, no! And it's like, it's so visceral. It's like, wear this all energy coming from, and then how happy can you be the night of your life?

I mean, pompous and self-righteous. And the North Island. And the North Island. And narcissistic and old girl. I mean, just so many qualities that would make you go, wow, I just would never wanna see that person again. I mean, hopefully that person is very young

and will mature out of this. Yeah, but I think that person is a victim of her upbringing. I think what we're seeing in it, but what you need to realize is, while you're going all, you know, nurture, it's the nurture of society. It's like, I have two kids, I boy, girl, twin. No, oh, you have twins. I have twins.

That's it. Just one set of twins. That's it. And they're 15? Yeah. 15. And the're 15? Yeah. 15. And the boy thinks like me, the girl thinks like society. So you can't always contain them.

Right. I mean, like you think about a easy example. COVID. How would you say to your 50-year-old daughter, you're not in danger, you're fine, you're healthy, but she's being hit in the face with tsunami. Right, so she's telling me, if you're going to the market, where it gloves. And I'm saying that's bullshit kicked up by CNN.

That's so sweet. I don't need to do that. What are you doing? What do you mean? She's wiping down bags of grub hub before they come down. How is she gonna exercise herself from society? What are we gonna do?

How are we gonna get her away from that? Now, my boy just kinda goes, you're the smart one in the family. I'll follow your cues. And my thing was like, fuck mass, fuck the loves, fuck all this. I'm hitting the road. I'm doing shit. I'm putting the road, I'm doing shit.

I put in a gun. Now, this is bullshit. It's all cooked up, CDC, fuck them. Whatever the administration is, fuck them. A foul cheap, I don't believe that guy anymore. Like, I don't believe anything anymore. It's all, it's all following a theme. You're young, you're healthy, you're fine.

Don't worry about it. You don't have diabetes, you're not more real obese, you're 14, whatever. Get on with your fucking lives. Don't lose this. Get out, by the way, get some goddamn vitamin D, go outside, get some exercise, don't get fat, you'll be fine.

It'll be a fucking head cold for you. Exactly what I said. But my daughter is absorbing society. And society's got the death toll thing up there. Also, they have their friends. They have the teachers unions. It's not safe to go back, whatever. So I cannot extricate her from society.

She lives in the society. It's bombarding her. It's so sad that they've been brought into it. They were all over me this week because I said on overtime, on real time last week, that we were raising a generation of little howey-man-dells. But that's exactly what we're doing. That what you described with your daughter is exactly that.

That is it. We've made children into the howey-man-dells syndrome. And then, you know, I love howey. We all love howey. In itself talks about how no one would want this. and killed him into the Howie Mandel syndrome. And then, you know, I love Howie, we all love Howie. He himself talks about how no one would want this, what he has. He said, it's ruined so much of my life.

And of course, how could it not? Yes. It's just, no, it's spot on. Like, why would we want to burden them with this? Let them have a childhood and how he m in Dell. I'll tell you how he m in Dell store. And it'll speak to exactly what you're saying. And your dead nuts on in that, why are we turning them into this?

Now my theory, my nefarious theory is I call it crate training. You can't crate train you. You can't crate train me, we're too fucking old, but you can crate train a puppy. You gotta get the, you can't get the Labrador when it's middle age, you gotta get them when they're puppy, you get them into the crate and you crate train. Who's doing, who's putting us in the crate? I feel like it's the government and society,

and I'm not a conspiracy guy, you know, twin towers, not a Jew in the building. Like, I'm not that guy. I know you're not. Like the government, both Republican and Democrat are. I think it's more Democrat. I think I think based on Ron DeSantis or Texas

and Florida versus California and Oregon, you know, I feel like they just want to go out, take your own chances, like whatever. And then I'm in California, it's like lock it down, no outdoor dining, you know, to circle back, there's a place called Tinhorn Flats. It's a restaurant, it's in Burbank. It's owned by a family that I went to high school with. And they shut down outdoor dining. At a certain point, they said, fuck it.

We're staying open. We moved everything outdoors. We built all the accommodations. We did all the stuff you want to do. And they said, no more. And they shut down outdoor dining. And Tinhorn Flats in Burbank said, we're staying open. We're defying it.

They stayed open. There's a fence around Tinnhorn flats now. It's shut down there out of business. The government did that. And the overreach of the government is fucking insane. Yeah. And this during this period, we don't need to live. And...

Well, what it is, there is the... You're right, that it is mostly coming from the left, the feeling that the more safety I want, the better person I am, that's really what the fundamental argument we're having is what we all want measures of safety and levels of safety. We're just having a debate about what is the acceptable amount of death and sickness to look at? Sorry. No, go ahead.

Howie Mandel's story, which I forgot about. So howie Mandel. So I was doing a stand-up show. And 1,000 Oaks, or somewhere like that. And I was up on the marquee and how he met and tell this wife and a couple of friends were eating right next door to rib place. And because how he's a friend, after they were done eating,

he wandered up to the green room. I was sitting in shortly before my show started. And I was just like, oh, hey, it's how he meant to. Hey, it's my guy I'm sitting over here and I saw your name and I'm gonna come by and say hi. It's comics. It's comics. What we love.

He's a great guy. So he came in and this place, he had, because it was a rib joint, he ate that. They had popcorn, like in a big barrel at the front door. You know, for him. For some reason, peanut's popcorn, I don't know. I can't believe it was even in this book. Literation.

He had what looked like one of those old shirt boxes that had like a nice shirt in it, filled with popcorn. And how he, and I'm sitting with my group, my podcast guys and stuff, and how we just got the popcorn tin. He's like, yeah, popcorn, people are reaching in and he's reaching in. I was like, yeah, popcorn, popcorn. And I said, well, wait a minute, howie. You're germafob. You got this popcorn lid. You're passing it out to everybody. Everyone's reaching in, grabbing it. You're reaching and grabbing it. I said, how's that make sense with all the germaphobia? I don't get it. And he goes,

you don't get it at him. I'm nuts. And I was like, is that real? Yeah, it's absolutely true. And I was like, I had a revelation because I was like, oh, yeah, he's nuts. That is a revelation. It doesn't have anything to do with popcorn or new Georgina or any of the, you know, Lysol, he's nuts. That's, we're trying to make sense

of his nuts all the time. Like, how are you? How do you do that? Lysol down that. No, no, I'm nuts. That's like a scoop. That's, that's good enough. Well, I'm gonna shake your hand.

You know mine. No. Because we don't believe that we can't avoid germ. And we shouldn't even try. No, we can't. We can use systems. Exactly. We're hurting our system.

All right, thank you. We were hurting our system. Our system. All right. Thank you. This was so fucking fun. And you know, uh, come here. Yeah. And check it on the tube. How about it?

How about it? How about it? I'm not. But I want to go back to the kid roller skid. What's Florida of the house with this? This was the entry hall. Okay, a lot of hardwood. Hardwood floors.

Yes. They are fucking... It's like, yes. Clown.